Original subtitles

The big new accessory with eyeglasses

seems to be that strap that connects in the back

so you can take 'em on and off.

Which I don't get, because I thought if you have glasses,

isn't that because you need to wear glasses?

You need glasses.

Isn't that what they say?

I mean, an eye doctor doesn't say,

"Would you care for some glasses?"

When people have crutches,

they don't have like a little chain attached to their belt,

so they can just let go of them every now and then.

Why not get a toupee with a rubber band

Why not get a toupee with a rubber band

for when you're water-skiing? The thing could just...

Hey, George.

Gary?

Where the hell have you been?

I've been leaving you phone messages for months.

I know. I've been pretty busy.

Oh, busy. Don't give me busy.

Who's not busy?

I'm busy. We're all busy.

Everybody's busy.

All right, tell me, what's kept you so busy?

Mostly chemotherapy.

Hey, I'll see ya.

Hey, pig!

[ENGINE STARTS]

Hey, hey, hey!

JERRY: So you called the cop a pig?

I was yelling at the litterbug.

I mean, this is my town.

You don't throw trash on the streets of my town.

So didn't you explain that to the cop?

No, I fled the scene.

Hey.

Hey, buddy. Hey, uh...

What?

Kramer, I, uh,

Kramer, I, uh,

need to talk to Jerry privately.

Oh.

What about?

Kramer.

Oh, come on, George.

You can share it with me, huh?

Hey, you're hurting me!

You gonna share it with me next time, huh?

I swear! I swear!

All right, all right. I'm looking forward to it.

All right, I got news. You ready?

[SIGHS]

Gary Fogel had cancer.

Oh, yeah, I knew.

You knew? How did you know?

He told me a few months ago.

Why did he tell you and not me?

I don't know.

How are you closer to him than me?

So is he okay?

Oh, yeah, he's fine, fine.

He was in bad shape for a while, though.

Huh. Really? How bad? Was he on his deathbed?

No, he was on his regular bed.

So why didn't you tell me?

He swore me to secrecy.

So?

So?

It's not like you're not my wife.

Well, I still think you should've told me.

Believe me, you were better off not knowing.

It's not easy to deal with someone

in a situation like this.

I was so nice to him, I almost made myself sick.

Well, I want to talk to him about this!

That's right. You let him have it.

Who is he not to tell you about his life-threatening illness?

That's what I'm saying.

His illness is your business.

If not mine, whose?

If not now, when?

Were you just talking about me?

No, an old friend of ours, Gary.

Oh, the guy with cancer?

Oh, the guy with cancer?

You told her?!

She's not your wife!

If I'd told you, you would've given it away.

You don't think I can keep a secret?

No, but he would've read your face.

You don't trust my poker face?

Do you ever win at poker?

No.

Hey.

Oh. I just saw your old boyfriend on TV.

Jake Jarmel? Yeah.

I really liked those glasses he was wearing.

Where'd he get those?

Why? You don't wear glasses.

I know, but I need a new look. I'm stagnating.

I have to say, as a glasses-wearer,

I take exception to that.

That's like me buying a wheelchair

to cruise around in.

Yeah, I've considered that.

Uh, look, how do I get in touch with this guy?

Well, he's having a two-day book signing at Walden's.

You know, we had a really bad breakup.

The Jujyfruits?

[SNIFFLES]

Yeah, the Jujyfruits.

Okay, K-Man.

Enjoy the book.

Thank you. Listen, Jake,

where did you get those eyeglass frames?

where did you get those eyeglass frames?

I can't tell you that.

You don't know where you got them?

Yes, I do, but I don't want anyone else to have them.

Well, that's peculiar.

There's that woman that never talks to anybody.

GARY: Really.

Every day she comes in, she sits at that table and reads.

Never talks to anybody.

Oh, I spoke to Debby Biblow.

She said to say hi.

Really?

You know, Gary, I really have to say, I'm a little bit hurt

that you didn't decide to confide in me.

that you didn't decide to confide in me.

Well, frankly, you can't keep a secret.

You know, you get two pair, the whole table knows.

Well, I still think it was wrong.

All right, well, I'm sorry.

I guess I was just thinking of myself.

Yes!

So I called the litterbug a pig, not you.

I like policemen.

I wanted to be a policeman.

Yeah, so why didn't you?

I'm scared of being shot.

Mr. Kramer, let me tell you a story.

In 1979, I ticketed a brown Dodge Diplomat

In 1979, I ticketed a brown Dodge Diplomat

for parking in a church zone.

That fine was never paid.

And since then, that scofflaw

has piled up more parking tickets

than anyone in New York City.

For 16 years, I pursued him,

only to see him give me the slip

time and time again.

I've never got a clean look at his face,

but he's become my white whale.

Mr. Kramer, that day was yesterday!

But thanks to you,

I don't know if I'll ever get that chance again.

I don't know if I'll ever get that chance again.

I like that eye patch.

All right. I'm gonna move my car.

My meter's up.

You can't park in this city.

Hey, George, listen,

you know that company I work for?

They own that parking lot around the corner.

That's a Kinney lot?

Yeah. And there's a space opening up, and...

I-I could get it for you.

You'd just have to pay the tax on it.

It'd be, like, 50 a month.

Fifty bucks a month? That's incredible.

Okay! Thanks!

All right, I got lunch, all right?

All right, I got lunch, all right?

Still owe me a secret.

All right, listen.

There is something I haven't told you, all right. Yeah?

Yeah, but you can't tell Jerry.

What do you think, I tell Jerry everything?

It's not like he's my wife.

[LAUGHS]

Okay, well...

The thing is, I've been livin' a lie.

Just one?

I'm livin', like, 20.

[CHUCKLES]

What's yours?

Well, I...

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

I never actually had cancer.

[LAUGHS]

I'll see ya.

ELAINE: So he refused

to tell you where he got the glasses?

Flat out refused.

Yeah, isn't that just like him?

You know, he has to be the only one who has them.

Yeah, tell me about it, soul sister.

Anyway, I told Jake that you said hi.

What?!

You told Jake I said hi?

Yeah.

I can't believe you did that. Why did you tell him I said hi?

I never said hi.

I never said hi.

When did I say hi?

I never heard her say hi.

Well, it's common courtesy.

No! No, Kramer, you don't understand.

He made the last contact between us.

I had the upper hand in the post break-up relationship.

If he thinks that I said hi, then I lose the upper hand.

It's like a game of tag.

Where you goin'?

Nowhere.

You're going to the bookstore to see Jake Jarmel, aren't you?

So, what if I do?

Listen, if you're going there,

maybe you can get him to tell you where he got those glasses.

KRAMER: Elaine!

KRAMER: Elaine!

Hey.

How'd it go with Gary?

Fine.

Fine.

Really.

Yup.

You look like something's on your mind.

No, nothing.

I'm fine.

So that's your poker face.

My regular face.

No, it isn't.

I've seen your regular face. That is not it.

What're you sayin'?

All right, George.

Come on, what do you got?

Got nothin'.

What do you got, a pair of bullets?

What are you talkin' about?

Two pair? Three of a kind?

Will you stop it?

Oh, my God, you got a flush!

You're holdin' a flush!

I don't have a flush.

A full house?

You got a full house?

Turn 'em over, George! I wanna see 'em!

Come on, I'm callin'!

What do you got?

Gary Fogel never had cancer!

Gary Fogel never had cancer!

ELAINE: So you see,

Kramer took it upon himself to say hi to you from me

when, in fact, it was an unauthorized hi.

You didn't say hi.

That's what I'm saying.

That's what you came to tell me.

Correct.

You never said hi. Correct.

You still like me, don't you?

Correct-- What's that?

Hey, I have been trying to get this book signed all day.

How can you say

that I still love you

when I didn't even say hi to you?

Elaine, coming down here to say that you didn't say hi

Elaine, coming down here to say that you didn't say hi

is more of a gesture than if you did say hi.

[SCOFFS]

Jake...

Uh, er...

The doctors thought he had cancer,

but the surgery revealed he never actually had it.

So, what was wrong with him?

Nothing.

He's been lying to me for two months?

That's right.

What kind of person is this?

There's only one other person who might be able to do this,

and that's you.

Well...

I don't even think you could do it.

I could do it.

Yeah, I guess you could.

Pfft. Come on.

Pfft. Come on.

Did you know he was so worried about losing more hair

if he had to get chemo treatments,

I bought him an unlimited gift certificate

at the Hair Team For Men, just to put his mind at ease?

You did that? Yeah.

Oh, I can't wait to talk to this guy.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute! You can't say anything!

Why not?

Because he'll know I told you.

He's giving me a parking spot around the corner

for practically nothing.

You're telling me, because you're getting free parking,

I gotta pretend this guy had cancer when he didn't?

Yeah.

Well, I don't like it.

I don't like it one bit.

I'm supposed to see him tomorrow.

Well, you have to maintain the same disposition too.

You can't start acting differently.

You have to be nice.

Why didn't he tell me?

Because you were being so nice.

I don't think I can be that nice.

You be nice!

Gary?

What do you think?

Check it out.

Is that from my gift certificate?

Yeah, buddy.

You really came through for me. You've been so nice.

Yeah, well, I'm glad you could take advantage.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey, you know what I'm thinkin' of doin'?

I'm gettin' rid of all my fillings

'cause that mercury's toxic.

Let me see your fillings.

I don't think so.

Oh, come on.

Open up, let me take a look.

GEORGE: You be nice!

He's giving me a parking space.

Parking space...

Parking space...

Well, what do you know?

Hey, lookie there.

You're loaded!

Okay.

Hey, look who's over there.

Miss Cool Toes.

[CHUCKLES]

Check this out, Jack.

Hey, buddy.

Hey.

Look at you.

Wh-what's this?

It's an eye patch.

You look like a pirate.

I wanna be a pirate.

This is Gary.

How you doing? How are you?

Whoo.

Well, I tell you, there's only one problem--

Well, I tell you, there's only one problem--

Can't see on your right side?

No, it's, uh...

It's itchy.

Ah.

DEBBY: Nice car.

Yeah.

Once belonged to Jon Voight.

Really?

Really.

[CHUCKLES]

So, um, what made you just...

call me out of the blue like that?

Oh, well, uh...

Oh, well, uh...

Gary told me you said hi.

I didn't say hi.

You didn't?

N-no.

I told him to send you my regards.

I didn't say hi.

Regards?

Yeah. Regards.

Anyway, I admit I was dumb to go to the bookstore

to tell him I didn't say hi,

but he didn't have to act so smug.

Oh, I hate smugness.

Don't you hate smugness?

Smugness is not a good quality.

Smugness is not a good quality.

Oh, my God.

That man over there.

I think he's wearing glasses that look just like Jake's.

Pull over. Stop the car.

[HORN HONKS]

Here, here.

I think I've got a way

of getting back at my ex-boyfriend.

Good.

Revenge is very good.

Excuse me.

Excuse me!

Excuse me, sir? Sir?

Yeah.

[CHUCKLES]

Uh, if you don't mind my asking,

could you tell me where you got your glasses?

Malaysia.

Malaysia? Yeah.

Um, look, I know this'll sound odd,

Um, look, I know this'll sound odd,

but can I buy them from you?

Actually, I was gonna buy a new pair.

Oh.

But I can barely see without these.

Come on.

Well...

these were expensive.

Let's start the bidding.

So you didn't think this was a date.

N-no.

Not really. Why? Is it a date?

I thought it was a date.

No, it's not a date.

What about the regards?

Regards don't mean anything.

I mean, it's not like I said hi.

I mean, it's not like I said hi.

I mean, the fact is...

Oh, I shouldn't say anything.

No. Tell me.

Can you keep a secret?

Me?

Oh, yeah.

I never had feelings for Gary until he got sick.

But he was so brave

and gained such a wonderful perspective on life,

I fell in love with him.

Oh, yeah, he's got some perspective there.

Hey, do you know what the whip does?

What whip?

The whip. In the Senate and the House.

Well, you know, in the old days, when the senators didn't vote

the way that the party leaders wanted 'em to,

they whipped them.

[STERNLY] You better vote the way we want you to,

or there's gonna be big trouble.

[IMITATES WHIP CRACKING]

Hyah!

She won't talk to anyone, huh?

Oh, no.

She won't say a word to anybody.

Well, she's talkin' a blue streak now, Jack.

Well, well.

The white whale.

Look at this. There's no place to park around here.

I don't know why they even sell cars in Manhattan.

Don't complain. At least you have your health.

George, watch out for that man!

[TIRES SCREECH]

[CAR CRASHES]

[TIRES SCREECH]

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey, get back here!

Hey, get back here!

Newman.

The white whale.

GEORGE: Can you believe he sold his glasses on the street?

Can you believe someone would lie about chemotherapy

to get a wig?

Would you do that?

No. Definitely not.

I'm pretty sure I wouldn't.

And you know what else?

He picked up that woman in the coffee shop.

The one who sits by herself?

Yeah. How did he do that?

Because he was brimming with confidence from the toupee.

Really!

And Debby told me that she fell in love with him

And Debby told me that she fell in love with him

because he has all this perspective.

She thinks a guy who lies about a life-threatening illness

so he can get some phony hair has perspective?

He picked her up?

Walked right over to her table.

Wow.

Jake, Jake.

Take a look.

Ah! See, you're not the only one who has them.

Ah! See, you're not the only one who has them.

I have them too.

Where did you get those?

Malaysia. I was in the area.

Ooh!

Kramer.

Just drive.

All right.

Now, you listen, and you listen good.

I know who you are.

You're the scofflaw.

[CHUCKLES]

What are you talkin' about?

Don't play dumb!

It's me, Cosmo.

All right, so it's me. So what?

You don't think I know how you're feeling

every second of the day,

every second of the day,

looking over your shoulder

to see if someone's comin' up from behind,

sitting alone at night,

knowing they could be closing in?

I can't sleep, I tell you. I can't sleep.

Of course you can't, you poor sap.

Now, why didn't you tell me?

I couldn't. I couldn't tell anyone.

So you've been living this secret by yourself?

It's been awful.

[SOBBING]

I wanted to tell somebody.

Help me, Kramer.

Help me!

All right, I'm gonna help you.

I'll try some on and see how they look.

It's just hair.

You ever see what that thing looks like in the back?

You ever see what that thing looks like in the back?

You got your natural little curls on the bottom,

and then that big phony mat coming down on top of it.

Well, some of them look good.

The ones that look good, you don't even know about.

What if you get involved with a woman?

How you gonna tell her?

The way they make them these days,

I'll never have to tell her.

So you keep it a secret your whole life?

Then at your funeral, the mortician comes out,

"Here, Mrs. Costanza. I thought you might want this."

Ah!

LIPPMAN: Oh, it's no secret

that it's my dream to have my own publishing house.

And if this Jake Jarmel book does,

you know, what I think it's gonna do,

you know, what I think it's gonna do,

if I can get this whole thing off the ground, then, you know,

I think I'll have something for you.

Oh, Mr. Lippman.

[BOTH LAUGH]

That is so exciting.

I mean, you have no idea how sick I am

of running around town looking for socks. Yeah.

By the way, those are great glasses.

Oh, really, you like 'em? Mm-hmm.

Very unusual.

Well, you know what?

What?

You can have 'em.

Oh, no, no.

No, no! Go to that place on the corner.

They'll change the prescription in an hour.

Take 'em. Really?

Take 'em. Really?

I have no use for them anymore.

I could use a new pair of reading glasses.

They're from Malaysia.

Oh, yeah?

Oh! Fabulous.

WOMAN: Well, Mr. Newman,

in all my years on the bench,

I have never come across anything quite like this.

I have given this matter some very serious consideration,

and I've decided that what's best for the city,

and possibly for yourself,

is for you to keep your car in a garage

convenient to your home.

[SOBBING]

[SOBBING]

I can't afford that.

Afford it, you will, Mr. Newman,

or this court will see

that your car is impounded and sold at auction.

Oh, don't you worry, Your Honor.

He's in my custody.

GEORGE: Well? What do you think?

I really can't say.

No, say. I want you to say.

It's not good, okay?

It's not good, okay?

It's not good.

You look...

stupid.

I'm sorry.

You have to realize,

this has not been custom-fitted to his scalp.

I really think this looks pretty good.

Why don't you get a pair of white shoes,

move down to Miami Beach, and get the whole thing over with?

Well, maybe you could show me something else.

As I said, it'll be different

once we design something specifically for you.

But I don't think your friend here is being very helpful.

But I don't think your friend here is being very helpful.

Oh, hey. I'm being helpful.

I am the only one being helpful.

No, I don't think you're helpful!

I think you're being disruptive!

And you make it difficult for your friend to improve his life.

Hey, I'm trying to prevent my friend

from becoming one of those guys

people snicker at behind their back

because they look ridiculous,

no offense to you personally!

All you people with hair think you're so damn superior.

You have no idea what it's like.

You ever look down into the bottom of your tub

and see a fistful of hair?!

How'd you like to start your day with that?!

All right, take it easy! Take it easy! Hey!

I'm sorry!

Please.

Please.

[HUMMING]

Hey, Jerry.

George, you decided to get a rug.

Good for you, Jack.

Well, I-- I'm just looking, really.

Oh.

Uh, Tommy, I'm gonna need a little adjustment.

I'll be right with you.

Listen, George, I got some bad news.

I'm not gonna be able to give you that parking space.

I'm not gonna be able to give you that parking space.

What? What?

This judge has to use it for some scofflaw.

And you know you can't fight city hall.

You know, Gary...

I had a little chat with George the other day.

You didn't!

I did.

JERRY: And he told me that--

GARY: I lied to him. I'm not 100% recovered yet.

Give me that thing.

[SIGHS]

How's your life?

All right?

Yeah.

Not bad at all.

And now, ladies and gentlemen of the press,

it is my pleasure to introduce you to Mr. Jake Jarmel.

[APPLAUSE]

So, Jake, what's your percentage on this book?

Oh, actually, I have some very interesting information on that.

You know, uh, this is a co-venture...

Where did you get those?

and as such--

Those glasses. Where did you get those glasses?

Where--? Wh--?

Is this supposed to be some kind of a joke on me?

Because it's not very funny.

Give me those.

I want the glasses!

I want the glasses!

Give me those!

[BOTH SHOUTING]

I have to go look for some socks.