Original subtitles

Loyalty to any one sports team is pretty hard to justify.

Because the players are always changing,

the team can move to another city.

You're actually rooting for the clothes

when you get right down to it.

I mean, you are standing and cheering and yelling

for your clothes to beat the clothes from another city.

Fans will be so in love with a player,

but if he goes to another team, they boo him.

This is the same human being in a different shirt.

They hate him now.

"Boo!

"Different shirt.

"Different shirt.

Booooo."

Sure you don't want the tickets?

No thanks.

I can't believe I'm having trouble

getting rid of Super Bowl tickets.

I'm telling you, skip the Drakes' wedding. Go to the game.

I can't. The Drake put me in the wedding party.

Well, who schedules his wedding on Super Bowl Sunday?

Maybe he didn't know.

Lemme see.

I can't believe you got these for free.

What--? Row F?

Row F.

In front of the Gs.

Hobnobbing with the Ds and Es.

What about Kramer or Elaine? They don't want them?

I asked. Elaine laughed at me.

Kramer's only interested in Canadian football.

Kramer's only interested in Canadian football.

Well, wish I could help you.

Come on. Take 'em.

You could take Bonnie.

You payin' my hotel and airfare to Miami?

What do you think?

So in order to use these, I gotta spend, like, 1500 bucks.

This is a bill for $1500.

Plus, she'd ask about the sleeping arrangements.

I find those sleeping- arrangement conversations

depressing.

Yeah. Sleeping arrangements.

So you haven't, uh...?

Oh, no, no, no.

I haven't even seen her apartment yet.

Tomorrow is the first night. Ah-ha.

Hey, hey, hey. Is that Tim Whatley?

The dentist?

Yeah. Is he still mad at you

Yeah. Is he still mad at you

for crashing his Thanksgiving party?

Oh, no. I explained the whole thing to him.

Oh, good. Yeah.

I blamed it on you.

[SNEEZES]

Hi, Tim. Hey, Jerry.

George. What are you up to?

Oh, just a couple gals out on the town, shoppin' and gabbin'.

I'm gettin' a makeover.

Hey. How'd you like to go to the Super Bowl?

What? Are you kidding?

Here. Two tickets.

Have a good time.

Whoa, how can I thank you?

I tell you what, I'll take you to dinner sometime.

Ever been to Mendy's?

No. No, no. No, no. No dinner.

JERRY: Tim, you didn't

have to get me a thank-you gift.

I know. It's a label maker.

The Label Baby Junior.

Yeah, I hear they're good.

Well, label me thankful.

Okay. Well, you enjoy those tickets.

Bye-bye.

[BANGING ON DOOR]

Yeah? KRAMER: Gah!

Come in.

Hey, where can I put this?

What is it? It's Risk, Jerry,

What is it? It's Risk, Jerry,

the game of world conquest.

All right, that's perfect.

Kramer, why do you have to--?

[FLATLY] Hello, Newman.

[FLATLY] Hello, Jerry.

Will he take it? I gotta go to work?

Take what?

The board, Jerry. We been playing

at Newman's for six hours, but he's gotta go.

So why don't you leave it at Newman's?

I wanted to. He won't let me.

We have to put the board in a neutral place

where no one will tamper with it.

So that's here?

Yes, yes. You're like Switzerland.

Yes, yes. You're like Switzerland.

I don't wanna be Switzerland.

Jerry, Newman and I are engaged in an epic struggle

for world domination.

It's winner take all.

People cannot be trusted.

Don't look at me.

Oh, I'm lookin' right at you, big daddy.

All right, soldier boys.

Let's fall out.

So you're gonna look after it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Stay strong, buddy.

Yeah, yeah. Watch it good.

Hey, hi. Hey. Hey!

Hey.

Oh, is that a label maker?

Yes, it is. I got it as a gift.

Yes, it is. I got it as a gift.

It's a Label Baby Junior.

Mmm...

Love the Label Baby, baby.

You know those things make great gifts.

I just got one of those for Tim Whatley for Christmas.

Tim Whatley?

Yeah. Who sent you that one?

One Tim Whatley.

No. My Tim Whatley?

The same. He sent it as a thank you

for my Super Bowl tickets.

I think this is the same one I gave him.

He recycled this gift.

He's a re-gifter.

Or...maybe he liked your gift so much

Or...maybe he liked your gift so much

he decided to get me the same thing.

Perhaps it's an homage.

Yeah, perhaps.

How did he react when you gave it to him?

Um, he said, "Oh, a label maker.

How about that?"

He repeated the name of the gift?

Yeah. So?

If you repeat the name of the gift,

you can't possibly like it.

What do you mean?

Like when someone opens something up

and they go, "Oh, tube socks."

What are you gonna do about it?

I don't know. I guess I'll just get invited up

I don't know. I guess I'll just get invited up

to his apartment and...

see if he's got a label maker.

Why'd you get him a gift anyway?

He did some dental work for me and didn't charge me,

so I thought I'd get him a Christmas present.

If you're getting him anything for his birthday, I'm a large.

Well, here we are.

This is the place.

Wow!

You like it?

I love it. This is fantastic.

Look at this couch.

Is this velvet?

Is this velvet?

Are you a velvet fan?

A fan?

I would drape myself in velvet if it was socially acceptable.

Look at this, hardwood floors.

[LAUGHS]

Aren't they great?

Oh, Scott, hi.

This is George.

George this is Scott, my roommate.

Hey.

Here. Check out this view.

If you lean out this window, you can see the river.

So Scott's your roommate, huh?

Yes.

Well, I'm sure I've mentioned him.

No, I don't think you mentioned him.

He's a great guy.

You'll really like him.

I'm sure I will.

JERRY: Male roommate?

Yes, a male roommate.

And this is a problem?

It's a huge problem, Jerry.

The hardest part about having sex with a woman

is getting her to come back to your place.

He's already got that.

Well, maybe he's--

No, believe me, he's not.

No, believe me, he's not.

So he's an eligible receiver.

[SNAPS]

She's confiding in him about our dates.

You always like the person you talk to about the date

more than the date.

It's just a matter of time until they realize,

"Hey! We could have sex."

What's stopping 'em? Exactly.

You know how they get animals to reproduce in captivity?

They just put 'em in the same cage.

What does he look like?

Oh, that's the worst part of it.

He looks just like me.

He looks like you, and he's workin' from the inside?

I look like me, and I'm workin' from the outside.

Who do you think's in the better position?

Who do you think's in the better position?

Not you.

This bizarre Harrad Experiment must end!

We'll take a check, please.

I gotta find a way to work this out. I love that apartment.

It's so cozy. I'm ensconced in velvet.

If it was socially acceptable--

I know, you would drape yourself in velvet.

I've said that before?

Many times. You love velvet.

You wanna live in velvet.

Everything with the velvet.

Hey. Hey. Hey.

Guess what.

I saw Newman talkin' to the super.

I saw Newman talkin' to the super.

So what?

The super has keys to your apartment.

Don't you see what's goin' on?

Newman is plannin' a sneak-attack.

Oh, maybe he's got no hot water.

Yeah. All right. Fine.

You sit there, and you watch,

while Newman takes over the world.

But he'd be a horrible leader.

And you know who's gonna suffer?

The little people. You and George.

JERRY: Are you through? KRAMER: All right, all right.

Oh! I talked to Arthur Jobania.

Yeah, the Drakes' wedding, that's off.

The wedding's off? What happened?

The Drake, he found out that the wedding's

The Drake, he found out that the wedding's

on the same day as the Super Bowl.

So he wanted to postpone it.

They got in a big argument, and...

Ka-pow! It's over.

GEORGE: The wedding is off.

Now you can go to the Super Bowl.

I can't call Tim Whatley and ask for the tickets back.

You just gave them to him two days ago.

He's gotta give you a grace period.

Are you even vaguely familiar with the concept of giving?

There's no grace period.

Well, didn't he re-gift the label maker?

Possibly.

Well, if he can re-gift, why can't you de-gift?

You may have a point.

I have a point. I have a point.

All right, I'll call him.

Good. What's that?

Oh, it's Risk.

It's a game of world domination

bein' played by two guys who can barely run their own lives.

Hello, Tim.

Yeah, hi, it's Jerry Seinfeld.

Hey, remember those tickets I gave you?

Well, it turns out I can use them.

Well, it turns out I can use them.

Oh, you do?

I understand.

Okay. Bye.

He already made plans. He can't change 'em.

Well, they're his tickets.

He can do what he wants with them.

Thanks.

All right. I gotta go to Bonnie's.

What are you gonna do about the roommate?

I gotta try and figure out a way to switch places with him.

It's like a Siegfried & Roy trick.

Well, the pickle breath is a good start.

Hello, Jerry.

May I come in?

May I come in?

What do you want?

[GRUNTING] Nothing.

Just being neighborly.

You wanna hang out, shoot the breeze?

I'm not lettin' you cheat, Newman.

You're not gettin' anywhere near that board.

Jerry, I'm a little insulted.

You're not a little anything, Newman.

So just pack it up and move it outta here.

All right.

Oh, uh, by the way.

What are you doing for the Super Bowl?

I don't know. Watch it on TV, I guess. Why?

Well, if you watch closely enough, you just might see me.

Well, if you watch closely enough, you just might see me.

I'll be the one waving to the camera

from my seat on the 40-yard line.

You're going?

Yes, I am. A guy on my mail route just

got a couple of tickets, and he offered one to me.

What's his name? Tim Whatley.

That's my ticket.

Is it? Oh, well, if only you'd known,

you could have saved some time and given it directly to me.

[CACKLES]

Newman.

GEORGE: What a movie.

Good choice.

Thank Scott. He recommended it.

Oh, Scott, Scott, Scott.

Oh, Scott, Scott, Scott.

He's really great isn't he?

Yes, he is. Yes, he is.

Let me ask you something.

[CLEARS THROAT]

When you're comin' out of the shower and you put your robe on,

do you cinch it real tight? Are you concerned about that?

George.

Do you hold the neck together with one hand,

or you just letting it flap in the breeze?

George, you're being ridiculous.

What's the massage situation?

What's the massage situation?

What do you mean?

Is there any work being done?

Is there any rubbing, touching?

Finger manipulation on the other person?

And if so, who's makin' the request?

George, would you just stop?

Say you go to the bathroom at 2:00 in the morning.

What's the outfit?

I mean, are you dressin' up, or is it...come as you are?

George, what is wrong with you?

I tell you what's wrong...

a grown woman with a male roommate!

a grown woman with a male roommate!

It's unnatural. It's an abomination.

Hey.

Hey.

How you doin'? I'm good.

Are you gonna need the bathroom

'cause I'm gonna jump in the shower.

No. Just throw my bras out of the way.

Well, this is my building.

Yes, it is.

This was fun, you know.

Yeah.

So, I...

guess I'll talk to you.

guess I'll talk to you.

Aren't you gonna invite me upstairs?

Upstairs? You--? You wanna go upstairs?

I would love to go upstairs.

Wow.

Elaine, you are something else.

No one could ever put a label on you, huh?

We'll see.

JERRY: Newman.

He's goin' with Newman.

How does Tim Whatley even know Newman?

Newman's his mailman.

Who goes to the Super Bowl with their mailman?

Who goes anywhere with Newman?

Who goes anywhere with Newman?

Well...

he's merry.

He is merry. I'll give him that.

What's this plant for?

Oh, I had a little tiff with Bonnie about the roommate.

Oh. Well, the cactus will smooth things over.

Hey.

Guess what.

♪ I'm going to the Super Bowl With Tim Whatley ♪

[HUMMING]

What?

We went out last night,

and he offered me a ticket.

What about the label maker?

Oh. Well...

Wait a minute. That's my ticket.

Wait a minute. That's my ticket.

You didn't even wanna go.

It was totally out of the blue.

We went upstairs to his apartment,

you know, to look for the label maker--

So how did you get up there?

Did you say you had to use the bathroom?

No.

Then how'd you get up there?

I said, "Do you wanna go upstairs?"

Oh! And there's your ticket.

What?

That's why you're going to the Super Bowl.

Why?

You go out with a guy one time.

You ask him to go upstairs like you're Mae West?

Of course he's gonna try and get you alone for the weekend.

You mean, just because I asked him to go upstairs

You mean, just because I asked him to go upstairs

he thinks he's goin' downtown?

Obviously.

You're crazy!

Well, what happened when you got upstairs?

As soon as we walked in, he got a call from one of his patients

with an impacted molar or something, so he had to leave.

I didn't get a chance to look for the label maker.

Yeah, well, I don't trust this guy.

I think he re-gifted, and then he de-gifted.

And now he's using an upstairs invite

as a springboard to a Super Bowl sex romp.

Hey. Hey.

What are you doing?

I'm watching your door.

My door?

Yeah, from my peephole.

Fisheye. Sees all.

[DISCS CLATTER]

What was that? Newman!

Open it. Open it. Open it.

Damn!

The bedroom.

The bedroom.

KRAMER: Get him!

I see ya, Newman! I see ya!

I'm taking the Congo as a penalty!

ELAINE: I've got a confession to make.

Oh? What's that?

I've got Super Bowl fever.

Oh, yeah, me too.

Yeah.

S-so where are we staying?

Oh, the Ambassador.

Oh.

Big room?

Big room?

It's a regular room, but it's right downtown.

Downtown?

Right downtown.

So, what do they have there?

A couple of beds?

Why? Are you bringing someone else?

No, but...

don't you think there should be two beds?

There's two of us.

[GIGGLES]

[CHUCKLES]

BONNIE: Oh, a cactus.

BONNIE: Oh, a cactus.

They don't need any water,

so you don't have to keep takin' 'em to the bathroom.

Well...

look who's here.

I asked Scott to move out.

Oh.

Ohhh.

JERRY: So she kicked him out of the apartment?

That's right.

It's just me and her.

Wow. She rearranged her whole life for you.

Yeah, I guess she did.

Yeah, I guess she did.

He's gone. Now I'm the man.

That's not a good role for you.

No, it's not.

You unwittingly made a major commitment.

That's a lot of pressure.

Oh, my God.

You wanted to be ensconced in velvet.

You're buried.

I had the perfect situation here.

He was shouldering half the load.

He was shouldering.

I couldn't leave well enough alone.

Where you goin'?

I gotta go help her tape up all his boxes

and get 'em ready for shipping.

and get 'em ready for shipping.

Oh. Well, here.

Take Whatley's label maker.

I don't wanna see it again.

Thanks.

[POPS MOUTH]

Yeah.

I am takin' over South America,

and there ain't nothin' you can do about it.

So too bad about that Super Bowl ticket, huh, Newman.

Yeah. I just hope Tim Whatley's electric bills

don't suddenly get lost in the mail,

or it could be lights out for him.

Thanks for having me over, guys.

All right. I'll see you later.

All right. I'll see you later.

Oh, hey, Jerry.

Ah, Tim Whatley.

Out scalping?

Oh, you see. Now, I've been thinking a lot

about what happened, and I feel horrible.

Listen. I want to give you a ticket back.

Are you serious? What about Elaine?

Oh, Elaine, yeah. Well...

things just didn't work out like I thought they would.

Ah.

Hey, isn't this Kramer's car?

Hey, Cosmo! They're towing your car!

What?

Not my car!

Aah!

Aah!

They're towing my car!

What are you doin'?

I'm takin' the board with me.

Hey!

Hey!

KRAMER: Hey!

That's my--!

[KRAMER YELLING]

Wait a minute!

So, I guess I'll see you at the game.

Yeah. See you there.

Okay. Good.

Okay. Good.

Hi, George.

Where--? What happened?

Where's--? Where's all the stuff?

It's gone.

It was all his.

Is this a label maker?

But the table, the stereo, the VCR, the...

The velvet couch!!

Where's the velvet?

They were his.

Besides, we don't need any of those things.

We have each other.

We have each other.

NEWMAN: Are you, um, sure you know where the impound yard is?

Oh, stop stalling. Come on.

I can't think. It's all this noise.

Or is it because I've built a stronghold around Greenland,

I've driven you out of Western Europe,

and I've left you teetering on the brink

of complete annihilation?

I'm not beaten yet.

I still have armies in the Ukraine.

KRAMER: Yeah? The Ukraine.

You know what the Ukraine is?

You know what the Ukraine is?

It's a sitting duck.

A road apple, Newman.

The Ukraine is weak.

It's feeble.

I think it's time to put the hurt on the Ukraine.

I come from Ukraine.

You not say Ukraine weak.

Well, we're playing a game here, pal.

Ukraine is game to you?

How about I take your little board and smash!

Ahh!

Hello, Tim.

Oh!

[CHUCKLES]

Elaine, hi.

Elaine, hi.

Don't worry, Tim.

I didn't come by to yell at you.

I didn't come by for that at all.

I just came by to pick up my label maker.

I gave you a label maker,

and now I would like to have it back.

But you gave it to me.

Ah! But you gave me a ticket to the Super Bowl.

Hand it over, Whatley.

Uh...okay.

[SCOFFS]

You don't have the label maker, do you?

Uh, no.

I knew it! You're a re-gifter!

Oh, yeah. Some gift.

Oh, yeah. Some gift.

That thing didn't work at all.

What? You put a label on something,

then ten minutes later, it would peel right off.

It was the worst gift I ever got.

Well, I bought it for you because...

you were so nice to me for not charging me for the dental work.

The way you worked on my filling, you were so...

So gentle and so caring.

And so sensitive.

Oh, Elaine.

Oh, Elaine.

Oh!

JERRY: H...G...F.

Seat 4.

One...

two...

three...

Per--

[FLATLY] Hello, Newman.

[FLATLY] Hello, Newman.

Hello, Jerry.

Tim couldn't make it.

He's in love.

Oh. Isn't that wonderful?

Oh, it's enchanting.

Here's the TV.

I know you wanted to watch the Super Bowl.

Do you, uh...

at least have some towels we could sit on?

at least have some towels we could sit on?

It's, like, a four-hour game.

George, Scott's gonna drop by.

He said he never got his boxes.

I'll get the towels.

GEORGE: How am I gonna get out of this?

Think, Costanza. Think!

Here we are.

Hey...

You know, Bonnie, I...

I just had a pretty wild idea.

What is it?

Well, I, uh...

I'm not sure how you pronounce it or anything,

I'm not sure how you pronounce it or anything,

but I, uh...

I believe it's ménage à trois?

What?

Hi.

Scott!

Remember what we talked about the other day?

George is into it.

Oh, really?

[♪]

Great streak of luck I'm havin'.

First, Kramer almost beats me at Risk,

but I narrowly escaped,

and then Tim Whatley gives me the Super Bowl ticket.

Can you move over at all?

And then-- Then just as I'm about to go,

these boxes show up at the post office with no labels.

No labels, Jerry.

You know what that means?

Freebies!

I got this great mini TV and a VCR.

I got this great mini TV and a VCR.

Oh, it's unbelievable.

An inch.

Can you move over an inch?

Aw, come on.