Original subtitles

The Christmas tree certainly seems to inspire

a love-hate relationship.

All that time is spent selecting it and decorating it,

and then a week after,

it's just thrown somewhere.

You see it by the side of the road.

Looks like a mob hit.

Car slows down, the door opens,

and this tree just rolls out.

Bo-bum-poom-boom.

People snap outta that Christmas spirit

like it was a drunken stupor.

They just wake up one morning

and go, "Oh, my God! There's a tree inside the house.

and go, "Oh, my God! There's a tree inside the house.

Just throw it anywhere!"

Ready to go, Lois?

Boy, you sure like to say my name, don't you? Yeah.

Excuse me, Lois.

Stand back, Lois.

Jimmy's in trouble, Lois.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Oh, Mr. Meyer,

this is my friend, Jerry--

Jerry Seinfeld.

Duncan Meyer.

You two know each other?

Yeah.

We, uh, went to high school together, didn't we, Jerry?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Gee, I hope you're not leaving now.

Gee, I hope you're not leaving now.

We still have a lot of work left to do.

Would you be able to come all the way downtown again

in rush hour and pick me up?

Why, I'd have to be Superman to do that, Lois.

ELAINE: No.

No, no, no. This is all wrong.

Where's the chicken cashew?

You no order chicken cashew.

No, I-- I didn't order any of this.

I'm not payin' for this.

Fine, Benes.

We're putting you on our list.

What list?

The do-not-deliver list.

Merry Christmas to you!

[SCOFFS]

Well, I guess we'll just go out.

Yeah.

What are you doin' with the Daily Worker?

Weird, Ned must have left it here.

Your boyfriend reads the Daily Worker?

What is he a communist?

He reads everything.

You know, Ned's very well-read.

Maybe he's just very well...Red.

A communist?

Don't you think he probably would have told me?

Well, does he wear bland, drab, olive-colored clothing?

Well, does he wear bland, drab, olive-colored clothing?

Yes.

Yes, he does dress a little drab.

Ha-ha. He's a communist.

Ah.

Hey, look at this.

"Exciting, uninhibited woman seeks forward-thinking comrade.

Appearance not important."

"Appearance not important"?

This is unbelievable.

Finally, this is an ideology I can embrace.

Hey-o. GEORGE: Hey-o.

ELAINE: Hey.

Where's Lois?

She couldn't make it.

She couldn't make it.

I can't believe you're really going out

with a woman named Lois.

I know. Finally!

But, George, guess who her boss is.

Duncan Meyer.

Duncan Meyer?

Who's he?

Elaine, only one other person

in the world knows what I'm about to tell you,

and that's George.

When we were in the ninth grade,

they had us all line up at one end of the schoolyard

for this big race to see who was gonna represent the school

in this track meet. Mm-hmm.

I was the last one on the end.

George was next to me.

And Mr. Bevilaqua--

What's that?

What's that?

Mr. Bevilaqua, the gym teacher.

Oh, of course, right.

He was down at the other end.

So he yells out, "Ready?

"On your mark.

Get set."

And I was so keyed up, I just took off!

By the time he said "go,"

I was 10 yards ahead of everybody.

Nooo. Yes.

I looked up, I couldn't believe it.

By the time the race was over and I had won, I was shocked.

Nobody had noticed the head start.

Really? Yes.

And I had won by so much,

a myth began to grow about my speed.

Only Duncan suspected something was amiss.

He's hated me ever since.

And now, he's back.

Well, what happened when you raced him again?

I never did.

In four years of high school,

I would never race anyone again,

not even to the end of a block

or to catch a bus.

And so the legend grew.

Everyone wanted me to race.

They begged me.

The track coach called my parents, pleading,

telling them that it was a sin

for me to waste my God-given talent.

But I answered him in the same way

But I answered him in the same way

I answered everyone.

I choose not to run.

So now Duncan is back?

He's back.

[BANGS BOTTLE ON TABLE]

As I knew he would be some day.

[BANGS CUP ON TABLE]

[EXHALES]

Man, that's some tart cider.

Hi. Hi.

Sorry I missed the Chinese food.

Oh, so am I. [SIGHS]

How's, uh, Duncan?

How's, uh, Duncan?

He's okay.

He say anything?

About what?

Oh, nothin' in particular.

Why did you cheat in that race?

I did not cheat.

He said that you got a head start.

Oh, he's just jealous 'cause he came in second.

Really?

Yeah.

So you were the fastest kid in school?

Faster than a speeding bullet, Lois.

ELAINE: So how was work?

ELAINE: So how was work?

Another day? Another...dollar?

I guess.

Yeah, well, nothin' wrong with that.

Gotta make those big bucks.

Money, money, money, money, money, money.

[GIGGLES]

Are you a communist?

[CLEARS THROAT]

Yes, as a matter of fact, I am.

[GASPS]

Ohhh! Whoa!

A commie.

Wow. Gee, man.

It must be a bummer for you guys, what,

with the fall of the Soviet empire and everything.

Well, yeah. Well, we still got China, Cuba.

Well, yeah. Well, we still got China, Cuba.

Yeah, but...

[SCOFFS]

...come on.

I know, it's not the same.

Well, you had a good run. I mean, what was it?

Seventy-five, 80 years wreaking havoc,

making everybody nervous?

Yeah, we had a good run.

Well, so enjoy yourself.

[LAUGHS]

GEORGE: So you lied to her?

I couldn't tell her the truth.

I don't know what's gonna happen between us.

What if we have a bad breakup?

What if we have a bad breakup?

She'll go straight to Duncan,

and I want him to go to his grave

never being certain that I got that head start.

Well...

I'm dating a communist.

Wow.

A communist. That's somethin'.

Yeah, that's pretty cool, isn't it?

Hey, did I tell ya?

I called one of those girls

from the personal ads in the Daily Worker?

Oh.

The Daily Worker has personals?

Yeah. And they say that appearance is not important.

Yours or hers?

Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!

Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Merry Christmas!

Wow, look at you. So you got the job!

Yeah, you're lookin' at the new Santa

at Coleman's Department Store.

Oh! Congratulations! GEORGE: Way to go, there!

Yeah, yeah. Isn't it great?

Hey, Mickey! [LAUGHING] Look at Mickey.

How are ya? Yeah.

Get your beard on. We're late.

Ooh. Tshhh!

On, Prancer!

On, Dasher!

On, Donna!

It's not Donna.

It's Donner.

It's Donna. Yeah, right.

On, Prancer. On, Dancer.

On, Ethel. On, Harriet.

On, Ethel. On, Harriet.

[PHONE RINGS, DOOR CLOSES]

Hello.

Oh, hi, Lois.

He wants to get together?

What for?

Uh, I don't know about that.

I'll have to think about it.

I'll let you know.

Okay. Bye.

What's up?

Duncan wants to get together

with me and her for lunch tomorrow.

He's gonna try to get me to admit I got a head start.

I don't think she believes me.

And he wants to meet you?

I'll tell you what?

I'll show up.

He doesn't know we're friends.

I'll pretend I haven't seen you since high school.

I'll pretend I haven't seen you since high school.

I'll back up the story.

That's not bad.

Not bad?

It's gorgeous.

Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.

Well, come on, little princess,

tell Santa what you want.

Don't be shy.

She doesn't speak English. Oh.

Santa speaks the language of all children.

Uh, norche-worche-dorche-doo?

Okamaka-miki-mooki?

Abratcha-datcha-natcha-dooti?

Abratcha-datcha-natcha-dooti?

Hey, Mickey, when do we get a break?

My lap is killin' me.

There is no break.

This is like a sweat shop.

[WHISPERING] Kramer.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Aah!

ADA: There's a Natalie on line 2.

Natalie?

From the Daily Worker?

Thank you.

Hello.

Yes, Natalie.

Uh, well, yes, this is a business office,

Uh, well, yes, this is a business office,

but, uh, I'm not a businessman per se.

I'm-- I'm here working for the people.

Yes, I'm, uh-- I'm causing dissent,

stirring the pot,

getting people to question the whole rotten system.

Elaine.

Arlene.

Hi. Hello.

Doin' a little Christmas shopping?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah?

Oh! This is Ned.

He's a communist.

Oh, really?

Yeah. Big communist.

Yeah. Big communist.

Big, big communist.

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

Well, it's awfully nice to see you.

Yeah, we'll see you later. Okey-dokey.

Nice to meet you. Bye-bye.

Hey, listen, as long as we're here,

what do you say we do a little shirt shopping?

Out of the question.

Oh.

Kramer!

Oh, hi, Elaine. ELAINE: Hi.

Hi, Mickey. How are ya?

This is-- This is Ned.

Oh, hey. How are you doin' there, buddy?

Hey, you guys stay here, okay?

I'll be right back. Right back.

Eight hours of jingle-belling and ho-ho-hoing.

Boy, I am hoed out.

Boy, I am hoed out.

Anyone who works here is a sap.

Hey, watch it, pal!

Whoa, whoa, easy.

Come on, come on. Huh!

What's the matter with you?

You know the Santa's at Bloomfields

are makin' double what you are?

Double? [SCOFFS]

I bet the glue from that beard itches.

Oh, you've got that straight.

So when you get a rash all over your face in January,

you think Coleman's will be there with a medical plan?

Look, you take that commie crap out to the street.

Kramer, I've got some literature in my car

that will change your whole way of thinking.

Talk to me, baby.

Don't listen to him, Kramer.

Don't listen to him, Kramer.

You got a good job here!

DUNCAN: There's just no way

you could have beaten me by that much.

I'd already beaten you in junior high school

three times.

I didn't hit puberty till the ninth grade.

That's what gave me my speed.

Besides, if I got a head start,

why didn't Mr. Bevilaqua stop the race?

That's what I've always wondered about.

Well, uh--

Oh, my God!

No! Oh, my God!

No! Oh, my God!

Jerry!

I'm sorry, uh...

George!

George Costanza!

Oh, George Costanza.

Kennedy High.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

This is unbelievable.

Hi, George.

Wh--? Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Don't tell me. Don't tell me.

It starts with a...

Duncan!

Duncan!

[BOTH LAUGH]

Oh, wow. This is something.

I haven't seen you guys in what? Twenty years?

Yeah. This is Lois.

Hi, there. Hello.

[CHUCKLES]

So, what have you been doin' with yourself?

Well, uh-- I'm a comedian.

Uh-huh.

Well, I, uh--

I really wouldn't know about that.

I don't watch much TV.

I like to read.

Ah.

You do a lot of that "Did you ever notice" kinda stuff?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, it strikes me a lot of guys

are doin' that kind of humor.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, you really went bald there, didn't you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You used to really have a thick...

full head of hair.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Poof. [CHUCKLES]

Yeah, well, I guess I started losin' it

when I was about 28,

right around the time I made my first million.

Oh. Yeah.

You know, it's true what they say.

You know, it's true what they say.

The first million

[KNOCKING ON WOOD] is the hardest one.

Yeah, yeah. What do you do?

I'm an architect.

Have you designed any buildings in New York?

Have you seen the new addition to the Guggenheim?

You did that?

Yep, yep.

Y'know, it didn't take very long either.

Well, you've really built yourself up into something.

Well, well, I, uh--

I had a dream, Jerry. Yeah.

You know,

one can't help but wonder what brings you

into a crummy little coffee shop like this.

into a crummy little coffee shop like this.

Well, I like to stay in touch with the people.

Ah-ha. You know, you got a hole in your sneaker there.

What is that? Canvas?

Yeah, you know, my driver is waiting outside.

I really...should get running.

Good to see you guys again. Good to see you.

George, George, George, hang on a second.

I haven't seen you in so long.

Uh-huh.

I thought we might reminisce a little more.

Duncan and I were just talking about the day of the big race.

Oh, the big race!

Yes, yes.

You were there? Oh, sure, sure.

I certainly was.

Yeah, I remember that day.

Yeah, I remember that day.

Well, I'll never forget it because that--

That was the day that I lost my virginity

to Miss Stafford, the voluptuous homeroom teacher.

Miss Stafford? Yes, yes.

You know, I was in detention, and she came up behind me

while I was erasing the blackboard.

George.

But I digress. Heh.

Let me see now.

As I remember,

you were standing at one end of the line,

I was right next to you,

and, uh, I remember that we were even for, like,

the first five yards, and then baboom!

You were gone.

Did I get a head start?

Did I get a head start?

Head sta-- Oh, no.

Absolutely not. No.

You satisfied? So you see?

No. I'm still not convinced,

and I never will be.

Why don't the two of you just race again?

That's a good idea.

No, no, no, no.

Another race, out of the question.

I know. You've been saying that for 20 years

because you know you can't beat me.

You couldn't beat me then, and you can't beat me now.

Race him, Jerry.

Race him!

All right.

All right.

I'll do it!

The race is on.

You're gonna race him?

Yeah, and he's calling all these people

from high school to come and watch.

I knew this day would come.

I can't do it. I can't go through with it.

I'm calling it off. I can't let the legend die.

It's like a kid finding out there's no Santa Clause.

"Each according to his ability to each according to his means."

What does that mean?

Well, if you got means and ability,

that's a pretty good combination.

So what if I wanna open up a delicatessen?

So what if I wanna open up a delicatessen?

There are no delicatessens under communism.

Whoa. Why not?

Well, because the meats are divided into a class system.

You got pastrami and corned beef in one class,

and salami and bologna in another.

That's not right.

So you can't get corned beef?

Well, you know,

if you're in the politburo, maybe.

Yeah, this is George Costanza.

Any messages for me?

Why does Mr. Steinbrenner wanna see me in his office?

Communist? I'm not a communist.

All right. All right, all right!

I'll be there.

My secretary, Ada, told Mr. Steinbrenner

that I'm a communist! Now, he wants to see me.

So? You'll just explain to him that you're not a communist.

You just called the woman for a date.

[RINGS]

Hello.

Oh, hi, Duncan.

No, 4:00 tomorrow--

That is not going to work.

Why? I'll tell you why.

Because I choose not to run!

NED: I'm sorry, Elaine.

This shirt's too fancy.

Just because you're a communist,

does that mean you can't wear anything nice?

You look like Trotsky.

Good.

Fine. You wanna be a communist?

Be a communist.

Can't you at least look like a successful communist?

All right.

I'll try it on.

All right, I'm gonna order Chinese food.

You're ordering from Hop Sing's, right?

[GROANS]

Does it have to be Hop Sing's?

I kinda had a fight with him.

Elaine, when my father was blacklisted,

he couldn't work for years.

he couldn't work for years.

He and his friends used to sit in Hop Sing's every day,

figuring out how to survive.

Your father was blacklisted?

Yes, he was. And you know why?

Because he was betrayed by people he trusted.

They named names.

Okay. Okay.

Um, yeah, hi.

I'd like a delivery please to 16 West 75th Street,

apartment 2G.

I know that address!

You're Benes, right?!

You're Benes, right?!

You're on our list.

No more deliveries!

Uh-- No, no.

D-- Uh--

She doesn't live here anymore.

This is someone else.

Oh, yeah? What's the name?

Why do you need a name?

You already have the address.

We need a name.

Give us a name!

Okay. Okay.

Ned Isaacoff.

I want a racing car, Santa.

Ho-ho-ho-ho!

A racing-car set!

A racing-car set!

[QUIETLY] Listen, you don't want that.

Those are assembled in Taiwan by kids like you.

And these Coleman pigs,

they sell it for triple the cost.

But I want a racing-car set.

No, don't you see, kid? You're being bamboozled.

These capitalist fat cats are inflating the profit margin

and reducing your total number of toys.

Hey, this guy's a commie!

Hey, kid, quiet!

Heh. Where did a nice little boy like you

learn such a bad word like that, huh?

learn such a bad word like that, huh?

Commie! Commie!

Traitor to our country!

Santa is not a commie.

He just forgot how his good friend

stuck his neck out for him

to get him a good job like this,

didn't he, Santa?

Is there a problem here?

Whoa! Ho-ho-ho-ho!

This guy's a commie, and he's spreading propaganda!

Oh, yeah?

Well, that's enough, pinko.

You're through! The both of you!

I got two kids in college!

Oh, you can't fire me.

I'm Santa!

Not anymore.

Get your skinny ass outta here!

Get your skinny ass outta here!

Hi, how are ya?

Fine.

What's the matter?

I just spoke to Duncan.

He said, if you don't race, he's going to fire me.

What? He can't do that.

Yes, he can.

He controls the means of production.

What are you gonna do, Jerry?

Don't worry, Lois.

I'll think of something.

Ah-ha! I knew it was you.

You tried to trick Hop Sing!

You're on our list, Elaine Benes!

And now...

you're on our list, Ned Isaacoff.

You got me blacklisted at Hop Sing's?

She named name.

You, uh, wanted to see, Mr. Steinbrenner?

Yes, George, I did.

Come in. Come in.

George, the word around the office

is that you're a communist.

What? A communist?

I am a Yankee, sir, first and foremost.

You know, it struck me today that a communist pipeline

into the best reservoir of Cuban baseball talent

could be the greatest thing ever to happen

to this organization. Sir?

You could be invaluable to this franchise.

There's a southpaw down there

nobody's been able to get a look at.

Something Rodriguez.

I don't really know his name.

I don't really know his name.

You get yourself down to Havana right away.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir!

Do my best. Good.

Merry Christmas, George.

And bring me back some of those cigars in the cedar boxes.

The ones with the fancy rings. I love fancy rings.

They kinda distract you, while you're smoking.

The red and yellow are nice.

Looks good against the brown with a cigar.

The maduro, I like the maduro wrapper.

The darker, the better. That's what I say.

The claro's good too.

That's more of a pale brown. A milky coffee.

I find the ring size confusing.

They have it in centimeters, which I don't understand.

Whoa, that was great!

Nice job, Santa!

Nice job, Santa!

Yeah!

I knew that commie stuff was gonna get us in trouble.

Yeah, well, I didn't realize it was such a sensitive issue.

Communism? You didn't realize communism was a sensitive issue?

What do you think's been goin' on in the world

for the past 50 years?

Wake up and smell the coffee!

I guess I screwed up!

Oh, you sure did!

Bigtime!

[CHEERING, CLAPPING]

How do you feel?

How do you feel?

I need a miracle.

Now, you're gonna see what kind of a liar

you're mixed up with.

Well, if he beats you, I want a big raise.

If he beats me,

I'll not only give you a raise,

I'll send you to Hawaii for two weeks.

George, listen, I parked in front of that restaurant.

As soon as this race is over, we gotta go to the airport.

Okay, I'll be there. All right.

You ready, boys?

Yeah, Mr. Bevilaqua.

All right. This is the way it's gonna work.

You take your marks.

I say, "Ready. On your mark. Get set."

I say, "Ready. On your mark. Get set."

And then fire. You got it?

BOTH: Yes, Mr. Bevilaqua.

Come on, Jerry.

Come on, Jerry.

Ready?

On your mark!

[BOOM]

[THEME FROM SUPERMAN PLAYING]

[APPLAUSE & CHEERING FADE IN]

So will you come to Hawaii with me, Jerry?

Maybe I will, Lois.

Maybe I will.

[♪]

You wanted to see me, el presidente?

Sí, sí. Muévete. Come here.

I understand you're very interested

in one of our players, huh?

Oh-- Sí, sí.

Ordinarily, I would not grant such a request,

but I have heard you are, uh--

How you say?

--communista simpatico, huh?

Muy simpatico. Muy, muy, muy.

Well, good!

Then you can have your pick.

Oh, oh!

Oh, oh!

They will play for your Yankee!

Oh, well. [LAUGHS]

Gracias, el comandante, gracias.

Muy, muy. Heh, heh.

And I would be honored if you would be my guest

for dinner tonight at the presidential palace.

There will be girls there. Ohhh.

And I hear some pretty good food.

Of course, the problem with parties is,

you invariably have to eat standing up,

which I don't care for.

But on the other hand,

I don't like to balance a plate on my lap either.

Once, when I was at a party,

I put my plate on someone's piano.

I assure you, if I had not been a dictator,

I would not have been able to get away with that one!

I would not have been able to get away with that one!