Original subtitles

It seems pretty hard to justify, at this point in human history,

the existence of men and their handkerchiefs.

I mean, they open it up, blow their nose in it,

then put it in their pocket with their other valuables.

Wallet, keys, mucous. Yep, got everything.

Is it because men can't give birth?

Are they just proud of anything that comes out of us?

We'll actually have a monogram sewn onto it.

What is the source of pride here?

We like to have it sticking up out of our breast pocket of our jacket.

We like to have it sticking up out of our breast pocket of our jacket.

I have a snot rag.

[SEAGULLS CAWING]

[CHAMPAGNE CORK POPS]

MAN: To your promotion.

Oh, thank you.

Mm. Mm.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Lippman.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate this.

I mean, of course, I deserve it.

[LAUGHING]

Well, you're really on your way now.

[SQUEALS]

[COUGHING]

You really ought to do something about that cold.

You really ought to do something about that cold.

JERRY: You got a raise?

I don't fool around, baby.

I thought you said Pendant was in financial trouble.

They were, but they're being absorbed by Matsushimi,

that big Japanese conglomerate.

Wow, when did that happen?

They're signing papers next week.

Will they be publishing Kramer's coffee-table book?

Yeah, they'll definitely do it now.

You're on quite a streak: job promotion,

plus you're back with Jake Jarmel.

Yeah, it's getting serious.

We're talking about moving in together.

Boy, you've really got it all.

I'm sure Helen Gurley Brown would be very proud of you.

I'm sure Helen Gurley Brown would be very proud of you.

Speaking of having it all.

Where were you?

I went to the beach.

Ohh! The beach.

Ohh.

It's not working, Jerry.

It's just not working.

What is it that isn't working?

Why did it all turn out like this for me?

I had so much promise.

I was personable.

I was bright.

Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but...

I was perceptive.

I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party.

Got a napkin over there?

It all became very clear, sitting out there today.

Every decision I've ever made in my entire life has been wrong.

My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be.

Every instinct I have in every aspect of life,

be it something to wear,

something to eat,

it's all been wrong.

Every one.

Tuna on toast, coleslaw, cup of coffee.

Tuna on toast, coleslaw, cup of coffee.

Yeah.

No, no. No, wait a minute.

I always have tuna on toast.

Nothing's ever worked out for me with tuna on toast.

I want the complete opposite of tuna on toast.

Chicken salad,

on rye,

untoasted,

with a side of potato salad,

and a cup of tea!

Well, there's no telling what can happen from this.

You know, chicken salad's not the opposite of tuna.

Salmon's the opposite of tuna,

Salmon's the opposite of tuna,

'cause salmon swim against the current,

and the tuna swim with it.

Good for the tuna.

Uh, George.

You know, that woman just looked at you.

GEORGE: So, what?

What am I supposed to do?

Go talk to her.

Elaine, bald men with no jobs and no money

who live with their parents

don't approach strange women.

Well, here's your chance to try the opposite.

Well, here's your chance to try the opposite.

Instead of tuna salad and being intimidated by women,

chicken salad and going right up to them.

Yeah, I should do the opposite. I should.

If every instinct you have is wrong,

then the opposite would have to be right.

Yes.

I will do the opposite.

I used to sit here and do nothing

and regret it for the rest of the day.

Now I will do the opposite and I will do something.

Excuse me.

Ah, I couldn't help but notice

you were looking in my direction.

Oh, yes, I was.

You just ordered the same exact lunch as me.

My name is George.

I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.

I'm Victoria. Hi.

JERRY: Are you kidding?

JERRY: Are you kidding?

They can't cancel that show on me now.

It's too late for me to book anything else for that weekend.

All right, all right.

Okay, bye.

Hey.

Buddy, it's all happening.

What's happening?

The coffee table book.

It's a go!

Oh yeah, heard all about it.

You know what this means?

I'm starting the book tour.

First stop, Regis and Kathie Lee.

You're going on Regis and Kathie Lee?

Oh, you better believe it.

I'll loan you my puffy shirt.

I'll loan you my puffy shirt.

No, no, no.

What're you gonna talk about?

Coffee tables.

[RINGS]

Hello?

What?

Sure. I'll do it.

I just had something canceled the same weekend.

Okay. Great. Bye.

You know, life is amazing.

I just lost a job,

and five minutes later get another job,

same weekend, same money.

You know who you are?

Even Steven.

VICTORIA: Are you growing a beard?

VICTORIA: Are you growing a beard?

Why shave every day?

Just grows right back.

I guess.

I'm afraid I'm just not interested

in how I present myself.

If those kind of superficialities

are important to you, this probably isn't going to work.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Hey, watch it! They cut you off! Did you see that?

Take it easy. Take it easy.

It's not the end of the world.

Hey, baby, how about a little tongue action, huh?

Hey, baby, how about a little tongue action, huh?

Stick your tongue down his throat!

[LAUGHING]

What are we gonna do? Should we just move?

It won't be necessary.

[LAUGHING OBNOXIOUSLY]

Shut your traps,

and stop kicking our seats!

We're trying to watch the movie!

And If I have to tell you again, we'll take it outside,

and I'll show you what it's like!

You understand me?

Now shut your mouths, or I'll shut them for you.

If you think I'm kidding, just try me.

Try me.

Try me.

Because I would love it!

[CHEERING]

Are you sure you don't want to come up?

It's only 9:30.

I don't think we should.

We really don't know each other very well.

Who are you, George Costanza?

I'm the opposite of every guy you've ever met.

Excuse me. Is your name Elaine?

Yes.

Were you supposed to meet Jake Jarmel?

Yeah.

He's been in an accident.

[GASPS]

An accident? What happened?

He got sideswiped by a cab,

but he's all right.

He's in St. Vincent hospital, room 907.

Oh.

Okay, thank you.

Could I have a box of Jujyfruits?

Here you go.

So, the light was clearly green.

I started walking, he skidded,

and he went right into my hip.

Oh.

That is so terrible.

It's so terrible, Jake.

I mean, how can people be so stupid?

It's just sickening.

Want one?

No, thanks.

So, when do you think you'll get out of here?

Where did you get those?

At the movies.

Didn't the manager give you the message before you went in?

Didn't the manager give you the message before you went in?

Yeah, he did.

Then when did you get those?

Right after th--

that.

So, you heard that I was in a car accident

and then decided to stop off for some Jujyfruit?

Well...

the counter

was right there.

And--

I would think under the circumstances,

you would've run out of the building.

Apparently it didn't have any effect on you.

No, no. It did.

If you got into a car accident,

If you got into a car accident,

I can guarantee you, I wouldn't stop for Jujyfruits!

But, Jake--

I would like to be alone now, please.

But, Jake, I didn--

Good night!

MAN: Ah, what do you say we call it a night?

Good idea. I'm kinda tired.

How'd you do? Won 50.

Lost 72. Won 37.

Lost 15.

Broke even.

REGIS: Can I bring out our next guest now?

Please.

Young guy, has a new book, and this is the best part.

Young guy, has a new book, and this is the best part.

I love this.

It's a coffee table book about coffee tables.

Is that clever?

I think that is so clever.

I think so, too.

Did you meet him backstage?

I did.

He looks like a fun guy.

I love his hair.

Oh, I do too.

This guy could be a little "bonkos," really.

Anyway, if you will... We're used to that.

would you please welcome Kramer.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUSE]

Hey. Hey.

Look, Kramer's here.

Oh, hi.

Oh, hi.

Hello.

Ohh.

I don't know. It's the hair or something.

Oh, my gosh. Yes.

REGIS: Kramer.

So, a coffee table book about coffee tables.

Where'd you come up with this idea?

Well, I'll tell you, Regis.

Actually, this is a true story.

I was skiing at the time.

You when I'm skiing, Kramer, I'm trying not to kill myself.

You're writing books!

Well, now, you kids, don't go out and try that.

Well, now, you kids, don't go out and try that.

You stay in school.

Have you always been interested in coffee tables?

Because, really, I love coffee tables

and I thought I was the only one.

See, the beauty of my book is

if you don't have a coffee table,

it turns into a coffee table.

Is that fabulous?

Look at this!

KATHIE LEE: Is that fabulous?

[CHEERING]

Fabulous!

KATHIE LEE: I want one of those.

KATHIE LEE: I want one of those.

Did I tell you this guy was bonkos?

This coffee table is full of pictures

of celebrities' coffee tables.

That's true. That's right.

Well, I'm not in there. Where's mine?

Oh, it's on file right here.

I'm telling you, this guy's bonkos.

He really is.

KATHIE LEE: But he's adorable.

REGIS: He's a nice-looking guy.

Pwah!

All over my Kathie Lee Casuals!

We'll be right back in a moment.

JERRY: So it's over?

Yeah.

It got pretty nasty.

And what did you go back for? Jujyfruit?

It's not like I went across the street.

I bought the Jujyfruit and got in a cab.

Why didn't you eat it in the cab?

Because I got popcorn, too. I ate that first.

What is all this?

Oh, I played cards last night.

Oh, yeah? How'd you do?

Broke even.

You always break even.

Yeah, I know. Like yesterday I lost a job,

and then got another one.

And then I missed a TV show, and later on, they reran it.

And then I missed a TV show, and later on, they reran it.

Today I missed a train, went outside and caught a bus.

It never fails. I always even out.

Give me 20 bucks.

What for?

Just give me 20 bucks.

What the hell was that?

Let's see if you get the 20 bucks back.

You know, you could've thrown a pencil out the window

You know, you could've thrown a pencil out the window

and seen if that comes back.

You know, things were going so good for me.

You know, I got the job promotion.

We were talking about moving in together.

Maybe next time someone's in a car accident,

you won't stop off for candy first.

Hey, I just found $20!

I tell you this, something is happening in my life.

I did this opposite thing last night.

Up was down, black was white, good was--

Bad?

Day was-- Night.

Yes!

Yes!

So you did the opposite of everything.

Yes! And listen to this.

Listen to this!

Her uncle works for the Yankees

and is gonna get me a job interview.

A front office kind of thing.

Assistant to the traveling secretary.

A job with the New York Yankees!

This has been the dream of my life.

Ever since I was a child.

And it's all happening because I'm completely ignoring

every urge towards common sense and good judgment

I've ever had.

This is no longer just some crazy notion.

Elaine, Jerry...

This is my religion.

This is my religion.

Well, I guess your messiah would be the antichrist.

That's funny!

Come on! Let's go.

Elaine...

look, a 20!

Oh, my God.

[♪]

KRAMER: Hey, boss.

Kramer, come in.

How you doing there, big guy?

Hey.

Yeah. Have a seat.

Alrighty.

You got yourself a cold?

[SNEEZES]

Aah!

Well, that's quite a honk.

Thank you.

Get yourself some vitamin C

with rose hips and bioflavonoids.

The reason I asked you in here is I caught your appearance

The reason I asked you in here is I caught your appearance

on Regis and Kathie Lee the other day.

It was pretty good, huh?

[COUGHING]

And, anyway,

the thinking here is that it would be best

if you didn't do any more of these shows.

Because of the coffee thing?

Kramer, I'm sorry.

What about Sonya Live?

You're not canceling Sonya Live!

She's a doctor. I got a thing for her.

[COUGHING]

Why don't you tell me about

some of your previous work experience?

Alrighty.

Uh, my last job was in publishing.

I got fired for having sex in my office

with the cleaning woman.

Go on.

Well, before that,

I was in real estate.

I quit because my boss wouldn't let me use

his private bathroom. That was it.

Do you talk to everybody like this?

Of course.

My niece told me you were different.

My niece told me you were different.

I am different, yeah.

I gotta tell you,

you are the complete opposite

of every applicant we've seen.

Uh, Mr. Steinbrenner, sir.

There's someone here I'd like you to meet.

This is Mr. Costanza. He's one of the applicants.

Nice to meet you.

Well, I wish I could say the same,

but I must say, with all due respect,

I find it very hard to see the logic

behind some of the moves you have made

with this fine organization.

In the past 20 years,

In the past 20 years,

you have caused myself and the city of New York

a good deal of distress,

as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees

and reduce them to a laughingstock,

all for the glorification

of your massive ego!

Hire this man.

WOMAN: Tina Robbins is here to see you.

Who's that?

My ex-roommate. She moved out four years ago.

I've been subletting my apartment from her.

See ya. Yeah

See ya. Yeah

Hey.

Please.

Hi, Tina.

Hi, Elaine.

So, I haven't seen you in a while.

Elaine, we have a problem.

Well, what is it?

You're getting kicked out.

Kicked out?

Why?

Well, there's been a number of complaints.

Yeah, like what?

Well, like last Thanksgiving

you buzzed up a jewel thief.

Ah! I didn't know who he was.

That's why there's a buzzer.

What else?

What else?

Well, apparently, the week after that,

you buzzed up some Jehovah's Witnesses,

and they couldn't get them out.

What else you got?

Well, let's see.

I'll tell you what the big advantage of homosexuality is.

If you're going out with someone your size,

right there, you double your wardrobe.

I suppose.

That's a huge feature.

When they approach a new recruit,

I'm sure that's one of the big selling points.

Jerry.

Yes?

I've been doing a lot of thinking.

Uh-huh.

Well, I don't think we should see each other anymore.

Oh, that's okay.

What?

No, it's fine. No problem.

I'll meet somebody else.

You will?

Sure. See, things always even out for me.

Huh? It's fine.

Anyway, it's been really nice dating you for a while,

and, uh, good luck.

Yeah, you, too.

♪ She'll be coming 'Round the... ♪

The New York Yankees?

The New York Yankees!

Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle...

Costanza?

I'm the Assistant to the Traveling Secretary.

I'm going on the road trips with them.

I'll be on the plane.

I'm working in Yankee Stadium.

This is a dream. I am busting.

Jerry, I'm busting!

I can't believe it!

[INTERCOM BUZZER]

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah?

ELAINE: It's me.

Come on up.

I'm moving out and taking that apartment on 86th street.

That's a great place.

I'm back in business, baby!

George, I wouldn't get too excited about this stuff.

Things have a way of evening out.

Hey!

Hey, Elaine.

Hi.

How are things going?

You want to know how things are going?

I'll tell you how things are going.

I am getting kicked out of my apartment!

Why? Why are they doing that?

I don't know. They have a list of grievances.

I don't know. They have a list of grievances.

The jewel thief?

Yeah, the jewel thief.

What else?

I put Canadian quarters in the washing machine.

I gotta be out by the end of the month.

Well, you could move in with my parents.

Was that the opposite of what you were going to say,

or was that just your natural instinct?

Instinct.

Stick...

with the opposite.

Elaine, don't get too down.

Everything will even out.

See, I have two friends.

You were up, he was down.

Now he's up, you're down.

You see how it all evens out for me?

MAN: Mr. Lippman,

people from Matsushimi are here.

All right. Tell them I'll be right there.

[SNIFFLES]

[SNIFFLES]

Oh, man.

Well, this is it, Elaine.

You know, without this merger,

we'd be out on the street.

Boy,

they sure saved us.

[SNIFFLES]

Oh...

[MOUTH FULL] Mr. Lippman. You forgot your...

handkerchief. Mr. Lippman!

[MUMBLING]

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

[SNEEZES]

Lippman-san.

Ah, Lippman-san.

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

Mr. Lippman, it is with great pride

that we undertake this partnership with your company.

I-I-I'm sorry.

I can't shake your hand right now.

It's germs.

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

No, no, I-I...

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

JERRY: Is that the end of it?

GEORGE: It's the last one.

I can't believe you're moving out.

Kramer!

Is this true?

Is it really happening?

It's-it's like a dream.

Oh, it's true.

All right, let's go.

Don't get in trouble with the Yankees.

You be nice.

I'm not going to be nice.

That's how I got the job.

Jerry, did you hear this?

He knows what he's doing.

I just want the both of you to know

I just want the both of you to know

how much you mean to me,

and I love you both very, very much.

Opposite.

I must've had at least eight in my mouth.

I couldn't talk. I couldn't talk.

Why'd you have to eat so many?

Because they're Jujyfruit.

I like them.

I didn't know it would start a chain reaction

that would lead to the end of Pendant Publishing.

Not to mention the end of Kramer's coffee-table book.

Not to mention the end of Kramer's coffee-table book.

You knew he had a cold.

How did you expect him to blow his nose?

You know what's going on here?

Can't you see what's happened?

I've become George.

Don't say that.

It's true!

I'm George.

I'm George!

Greetings, people.

Greetings.

Greetings and salutations.

What a beautiful day for a ballgame.

Let's play, too!

Let's play, too!

I'll have the chicken salad on rye, my usual.

You know what I get, darling.

So, let's see. I had a little conversation today

with Mr. Don Mattingly.

He's the first baseman.

Uh-huh.

We talked about his new batting stance.

I said, "Donnie,

go with it till it stops working."

Donnie baseball. He's a hell of a guy.

Wait, wait, wait.

That's too much. Mine was more than yours.

Ah, let's call it even.

[♪]

Coffee's a drink that seems to encourage a lot of accessories around it.

Coffee cake, coffee table, coffee table book.

Klatches of people.

Say what you want about alcohol,

but not only are there not a lot of optional accessories,

alcohol actually helps you get rid of things.

Family, home, job, driver's license.

In fact at a certain point

the only thing you have to remember to get

is more alcohol.

And maybe a rag for your squeegee.

[♪]