All language subtitles for Seinfeld.S05E22.The.Opposite.720p.HULU.WEBRip.AAC2.0.H.264-NTb

It seems pretty hard to justify,
at this point in human history,

the existence of men
and their handkerchiefs.

I mean, they open it up,
blow their nose in it,

then put it in their pocket
with their other valuables.

Wallet, keys, mucous.
Yep, got everything.

Is it because men
can't give birth?

Are they just proud of anything
that comes out of us?

We'll actually have
a monogram sewn onto it.

What is the source
of pride here?

We like to have it
sticking up out of our breast
pocket of our jacket.

We like to have it
sticking up out of our breast
pocket of our jacket.

I have a snot rag.

[SEAGULLS CAWING]

[CHAMPAGNE CORK POPS]

MAN:
To your promotion.

Oh, thank you.

Mm. Mm.

Oh, thank you,
Mr. Lippman.

I can't tell you
how much I appreciate this.

I mean, of course,
I deserve it.

[LAUGHING]

Well, you're really
on your way now.

[SQUEALS]

[COUGHING]

You really ought to do
something about that cold.

You really ought to do
something about that cold.

JERRY:
You got a raise?

I don't fool around,
baby.

I thought you said Pendant
was in financial trouble.

They were, but they're being
absorbed by Matsushimi,

that big Japanese
conglomerate.

Wow, when did
that happen?

They're signing
papers next week.

Will they be publishing
Kramer's coffee-table book?

Yeah, they'll definitely
do it now.

You're on quite a streak:
job promotion,

plus you're back
with Jake Jarmel.

Yeah, it's
getting serious.

We're talking about
moving in together.

Boy, you've really
got it all.

I'm sure Helen Gurley Brown
would be very proud of you.

I'm sure Helen Gurley Brown
would be very proud of you.

Speaking of
having it all.

Where were you?

I went to the beach.

Ohh! The beach.

Ohh.

It's not working, Jerry.

It's just not working.

What is it
that isn't working?

Why did it all turn out
like this for me?

I had so much
promise.

I was personable.

I was bright.

Oh, maybe not academically
speaking, but...

I was perceptive.

I always know when someone's
uncomfortable at a party.

Got a napkin over there?

It all became very clear,
sitting out there today.

Every decision I've ever made in
my entire life has been wrong.

My life is the complete opposite
of everything I want it to be.

Every instinct I have
in every aspect of life,

be it something to wear,

something to eat,

it's all been wrong.

Every one.

Tuna on toast, coleslaw,
cup of coffee.

Tuna on toast, coleslaw,
cup of coffee.

Yeah.

No, no.
No, wait a minute.

I always have
tuna on toast.

Nothing's ever worked out
for me with tuna on toast.

I want the complete opposite
of tuna on toast.

Chicken salad,

on rye,

untoasted,

with a side
of potato salad,

and a cup of tea!

Well, there's no telling
what can happen from this.

You know, chicken salad's
not the opposite of tuna.

Salmon's the opposite
of tuna,

Salmon's the opposite
of tuna,

'cause salmon swim
against the current,

and the tuna
swim with it.

Good for the tuna.

Uh, George.

You know, that woman
just looked at you.

GEORGE:
So, what?

What am I supposed to do?

Go talk to her.

Elaine, bald men
with no jobs and no money

who live with
their parents

don't approach
strange women.

Well, here's your chance
to try the opposite.

Well, here's your chance
to try the opposite.

Instead of tuna salad
and being intimidated by women,

chicken salad and
going right up to them.

Yeah, I should do
the opposite. I should.

If every instinct
you have is wrong,

then the opposite
would have to be right.

Yes.

I will do the opposite.

I used to sit here
and do nothing

and regret it
for the rest of the day.

Now I will do the opposite
and I will do something.

Excuse me.

Ah, I couldn't
help but notice

you were looking
in my direction.

Oh, yes, I was.

You just ordered the same
exact lunch as me.

My name is George.

I'm unemployed
and I live with my parents.

I'm Victoria. Hi.

JERRY:
Are you kidding?

JERRY:
Are you kidding?

They can't cancel
that show on me now.

It's too late for me to book
anything else for that weekend.

All right, all right.

Okay, bye.

Hey.

Buddy, it's
all happening.

What's happening?

The coffee table book.

It's a go!

Oh yeah, heard
all about it.

You know what this means?

I'm starting
the book tour.

First stop,
Regis and Kathie Lee.

You're going on
Regis and Kathie Lee?

Oh, you better believe it.

I'll loan you
my puffy shirt.

I'll loan you
my puffy shirt.

No, no, no.

What're you gonna
talk about?

Coffee tables.

[RINGS]

Hello?

What?

Sure. I'll do it.

I just had something canceled
the same weekend.

Okay. Great. Bye.

You know,
life is amazing.

I just lost a job,

and five minutes later
get another job,

same weekend,
same money.

You know who you are?

Even Steven.

VICTORIA:
Are you growing a beard?

VICTORIA:
Are you growing a beard?

Why shave every day?

Just grows
right back.

I guess.

I'm afraid I'm
just not interested

in how I present myself.

If those kind of
superficialities

are important to you, this
probably isn't going to work.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Hey, watch it!
They cut you off!
Did you see that?

Take it easy.
Take it easy.

It's not the end
of the world.

Hey, baby, how about
a little tongue action, huh?

Hey, baby, how about
a little tongue action, huh?

Stick your tongue
down his throat!

[LAUGHING]

What are we gonna do?
Should we just move?

It won't be necessary.

[LAUGHING
OBNOXIOUSLY]

Shut your traps,

and stop kicking
our seats!

We're trying
to watch the movie!

And If I have to tell you again,
we'll take it outside,

and I'll show you
what it's like!

You understand me?

Now shut your mouths,
or I'll shut them for you.

If you think I'm kidding,
just try me.

Try me.

Try me.

Because I would love it!

[CHEERING]

Are you sure
you don't want to come up?

It's only 9:30.

I don't think
we should.

We really don't know
each other very well.

Who are you,
George Costanza?

I'm the opposite of every
guy you've ever met.

Excuse me.
Is your name Elaine?

Yes.

Were you supposed
to meet Jake Jarmel?

Yeah.

He's been
in an accident.

[GASPS]

An accident?
What happened?

He got sideswiped
by a cab,

but he's all right.

He's in St. Vincent
hospital, room 907.

Oh.

Okay, thank you.

Could I have
a box of Jujyfruits?

Here you go.

So, the light was
clearly green.

I started walking,
he skidded,

and he went right
into my hip.

Oh.

That is so terrible.

It's so terrible,
Jake.

I mean, how can people
be so stupid?

It's just sickening.

Want one?

No, thanks.

So, when do you think
you'll get out of here?

Where did you
get those?

At the movies.

Didn't the manager give you the
message before you went in?

Didn't the manager give you the
message before you went in?

Yeah, he did.

Then when did you
get those?

Right after th--

that.

So, you heard that I was
in a car accident

and then decided to stop
off for some Jujyfruit?

Well...

the counter

was right there.

And--

I would think
under the circumstances,

you would've run
out of the building.

Apparently it didn't
have any effect on you.

No, no. It did.

If you got
into a car accident,

If you got
into a car accident,

I can guarantee you,
I wouldn't stop for Jujyfruits!

But, Jake--

I would like to be
alone now, please.

But, Jake, I didn--

Good night!

MAN:
Ah, what do you say
we call it a night?

Good idea.
I'm kinda tired.

How'd you do?
Won 50.

Lost 72.
Won 37.

Lost 15.

Broke even.

REGIS:
Can I bring out
our next guest now?

Please.

Young guy, has a new book,
and this is the best part.

Young guy, has a new book,
and this is the best part.

I love this.

It's a coffee table book
about coffee tables.

Is that clever?

I think that
is so clever.

I think so, too.

Did you meet him
backstage?

I did.

He looks like
a fun guy.

I love his hair.

Oh, I do too.

This guy could be
a little "bonkos," really.

Anyway, if you will...
We're used to that.

would you
please welcome Kramer.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUSE]

Hey.
Hey.

Look, Kramer's here.

Oh, hi.

Oh, hi.

Hello.

Ohh.

I don't know.
It's the hair or something.

Oh, my gosh.
Yes.

REGIS:
Kramer.

So, a coffee table book
about coffee tables.

Where'd you come up
with this idea?

Well,
I'll tell you, Regis.

Actually, this is
a true story.

I was skiing
at the time.

You when I'm skiing, Kramer,
I'm trying not to kill myself.

You're writing books!

Well, now, you kids,
don't go out and try that.

Well, now, you kids,
don't go out and try that.

You stay in school.

Have you always been
interested in coffee tables?

Because, really,
I love coffee tables

and I thought I was
the only one.

See, the beauty
of my book is

if you don't have
a coffee table,

it turns into
a coffee table.

Is that fabulous?

Look at this!

KATHIE LEE:
Is that fabulous?

[CHEERING]

Fabulous!

KATHIE LEE:
I want one of those.

KATHIE LEE:
I want one of those.

Did I tell you
this guy was bonkos?

This coffee table
is full of pictures

of celebrities'
coffee tables.

That's true.
That's right.

Well, I'm not in there.
Where's mine?

Oh, it's on file
right here.

I'm telling you,
this guy's bonkos.

He really is.

KATHIE LEE:
But he's adorable.

REGIS:
He's a nice-looking guy.

Pwah!

All over my
Kathie Lee Casuals!

We'll be right back
in a moment.

JERRY:
So it's over?

Yeah.

It got pretty nasty.

And what did you
go back for? Jujyfruit?

It's not like I went
across the street.

I bought the Jujyfruit
and got in a cab.

Why didn't you eat it
in the cab?

Because I got popcorn, too.
I ate that first.

What is all this?

Oh, I played cards
last night.

Oh, yeah?
How'd you do?

Broke even.

You always
break even.

Yeah, I know.
Like yesterday I lost a job,

and then got another one.

And then I missed a TV show,
and later on, they reran it.

And then I missed a TV show,
and later on, they reran it.

Today I missed a train, went
outside and caught a bus.

It never fails.
I always even out.

Give me 20 bucks.

What for?

Just give me 20 bucks.

What the hell was that?

Let's see if you get
the 20 bucks back.

You know, you could've thrown
a pencil out the window

You know, you could've thrown
a pencil out the window

and seen
if that comes back.

You know, things were
going so good for me.

You know, I got
the job promotion.

We were talking about
moving in together.

Maybe next time
someone's in a car accident,

you won't stop off
for candy first.

Hey, I just found $20!

I tell you this, something
is happening in my life.

I did this opposite
thing last night.

Up was down, black
was white, good was--

Bad?

Day was--
Night.

Yes!

Yes!

So you did the
opposite of everything.

Yes! And listen to this.

Listen to this!

Her uncle works
for the Yankees

and is gonna get me
a job interview.

A front office
kind of thing.

Assistant to
the traveling secretary.

A job with
the New York Yankees!

This has been the dream
of my life.

Ever since I was a child.

And it's all happening
because I'm completely ignoring

every urge towards common
sense and good judgment

I've ever had.

This is no longer
just some crazy notion.

Elaine, Jerry...

This is my religion.

This is my religion.

Well, I guess your messiah
would be the antichrist.

That's funny!

Come on! Let's go.

Elaine...

look, a 20!

Oh, my God.

[♪]

KRAMER:
Hey, boss.

Kramer, come in.

How you doing there,
big guy?

Hey.

Yeah. Have a seat.

Alrighty.

You got yourself
a cold?

[SNEEZES]

Aah!

Well, that's
quite a honk.

Thank you.

Get yourself
some vitamin C

with rose hips
and bioflavonoids.

The reason I asked you in
here is I caught your appearance

The reason I asked you in
here is I caught your appearance

on Regis and Kathie Lee
the other day.

It was pretty good, huh?

[COUGHING]

And, anyway,

the thinking here
is that it would be best

if you didn't do
any more of these shows.

Because of
the coffee thing?

Kramer, I'm sorry.

What about Sonya Live?

You're not canceling
Sonya Live!

She's a doctor.
I got a thing for her.

[COUGHING]

Why don't you
tell me about

some of your previous
work experience?

Alrighty.

Uh, my last job
was in publishing.

I got fired for having sex
in my office

with the cleaning woman.

Go on.

Well, before that,

I was in real estate.

I quit because my boss
wouldn't let me use

his private bathroom.
That was it.

Do you talk
to everybody like this?

Of course.

My niece told me
you were different.

My niece told me
you were different.

I am different, yeah.

I gotta tell you,

you are
the complete opposite

of every applicant
we've seen.

Uh, Mr. Steinbrenner, sir.

There's someone here
I'd like you to meet.

This is Mr. Costanza.
He's one of the applicants.

Nice to meet you.

Well, I wish
I could say the same,

but I must say,
with all due respect,

I find it very hard
to see the logic

behind some of the moves
you have made

with this fine organization.

In the past 20 years,

In the past 20 years,

you have caused myself
and the city of New York

a good deal of distress,

as we have watched you
take our beloved Yankees

and reduce them
to a laughingstock,

all for
the glorification

of your massive ego!

Hire this man.

WOMAN:
Tina Robbins is here
to see you.

Who's that?

My ex-roommate. She moved
out four years ago.

I've been subletting
my apartment from her.

See ya.
Yeah

See ya.
Yeah

Hey.

Please.

Hi, Tina.

Hi, Elaine.

So, I haven't
seen you in a while.

Elaine, we have
a problem.

Well, what is it?

You're getting
kicked out.

Kicked out?

Why?

Well, there's been
a number of complaints.

Yeah, like what?

Well, like last Thanksgiving

you buzzed up
a jewel thief.

Ah! I didn't know
who he was.

That's why
there's a buzzer.

What else?

What else?

Well, apparently,
the week after that,

you buzzed up some
Jehovah's Witnesses,

and they couldn't
get them out.

What else you got?

Well, let's see.

I'll tell you what the big
advantage of homosexuality is.

If you're going out
with someone your size,

right there, you
double your wardrobe.

I suppose.

That's a huge feature.

When they approach
a new recruit,

I'm sure that's one
of the big selling points.

Jerry.

Yes?

I've been doing
a lot of thinking.

Uh-huh.

Well, I don't think we should
see each other anymore.

Oh, that's okay.

What?

No, it's fine.
No problem.

I'll meet
somebody else.

You will?

Sure. See, things
always even out for me.

Huh?
It's fine.

Anyway, it's been really nice
dating you for a while,

and, uh, good luck.

Yeah, you, too.

♪ She'll be coming
'Round the... ♪

The New York Yankees?

The New York Yankees!

Ruth, Gehrig,
DiMaggio, Mantle...

Costanza?

I'm the Assistant
to the Traveling Secretary.

I'm going on
the road trips with them.

I'll be on the plane.

I'm working
in Yankee Stadium.

This is a dream.
I am busting.

Jerry, I'm busting!

I can't believe it!

[INTERCOM BUZZER]

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah?

ELAINE:
It's me.

Come on up.

I'm moving out and taking that
apartment on 86th street.

That's a great place.

I'm back
in business, baby!

George, I wouldn't get too
excited about this stuff.

Things have a way
of evening out.

Hey!

Hey, Elaine.

Hi.

How are things going?

You want to know
how things are going?

I'll tell you how
things are going.

I am getting kicked
out of my apartment!

Why?
Why are they doing that?

I don't know. They have
a list of grievances.

I don't know. They have
a list of grievances.

The jewel thief?

Yeah,
the jewel thief.

What else?

I put Canadian quarters
in the washing machine.

I gotta be out
by the end of the month.

Well, you could move in
with my parents.

Was that the opposite of what
you were going to say,

or was that just
your natural instinct?

Instinct.

Stick...

with the opposite.

Elaine, don't get
too down.

Everything
will even out.

See, I have
two friends.

You were up,
he was down.

Now he's up,
you're down.

You see how it all
evens out for me?

MAN:
Mr. Lippman,

people from
Matsushimi are here.

All right. Tell them
I'll be right there.

[SNIFFLES]

[SNIFFLES]

Oh, man.

Well, this is it,
Elaine.

You know,
without this merger,

we'd be out
on the street.

Boy,

they sure saved us.

[SNIFFLES]

Oh...

[MOUTH FULL]
Mr. Lippman.
You forgot your...

handkerchief.
Mr. Lippman!

[MUMBLING]

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

[SNEEZES]

Lippman-san.

Ah, Lippman-san.

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

Mr. Lippman,
it is with great pride

that we undertake this
partnership with your company.

I-I-I'm sorry.

I can't shake your hand
right now.

It's germs.

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

No, no, I-I...

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

JERRY:
Is that the end of it?

GEORGE:
It's the last one.

I can't believe
you're moving out.

Kramer!

Is this true?

Is it really happening?

It's-it's like a dream.

Oh, it's true.

All right, let's go.

Don't get in trouble
with the Yankees.

You be nice.

I'm not going
to be nice.

That's how
I got the job.

Jerry,
did you hear this?

He knows
what he's doing.

I just want
the both of you to know

I just want
the both of you to know

how much you mean to me,

and I love you both
very, very much.

Opposite.

I must've had at least
eight in my mouth.

I couldn't talk.
I couldn't talk.

Why'd you have to
eat so many?

Because they're
Jujyfruit.

I like them.

I didn't know it would
start a chain reaction

that would lead to the end
of Pendant Publishing.

Not to mention the end
of Kramer's coffee-table book.

Not to mention the end
of Kramer's coffee-table book.

You knew he had a cold.

How did you expect him
to blow his nose?

You know what's
going on here?

Can't you see
what's happened?

I've become George.

Don't say that.

It's true!

I'm George.

I'm George!

Greetings, people.

Greetings.

Greetings
and salutations.

What a beautiful day
for a ballgame.

Let's play, too!

Let's play, too!

I'll have the chicken
salad on rye, my usual.

You know what I get,
darling.

So, let's see. I had
a little conversation today

with Mr. Don Mattingly.

He's the first baseman.

Uh-huh.

We talked about
his new batting stance.

I said, "Donnie,

go with it
till it stops working."

Donnie baseball.
He's a hell of a guy.

Wait, wait, wait.

That's too much.
Mine was more than yours.

Ah, let's call it even.

[♪]

Coffee's a drink that seems
to encourage a lot of
accessories around it.

Coffee cake, coffee table,
coffee table book.

Klatches of people.

Say what you want
about alcohol,

but not only are there not
a lot of optional accessories,

alcohol actually helps you
get rid of things.

Family, home, job,
driver's license.

In fact at a certain point

the only thing you
have to remember to get

is more alcohol.

And maybe a rag
for your squeegee.

[♪]