Original subtitles

With a serial killer loose,

seems like the safest thing is to be the neighbor.

They never kill the neighbor.

The neighbor always survives

to do the interview afterwards, right?

"Uh, he was kind of quiet."

I love these neighbors.

They're never disturbed by the sounds of murdering.

Just stereo.

Chain saws, people screaming, fine.

Just keep the music down.

And all these women that always fall in love with the killer.

They write to him in prison.

Here's a woman that's hard to disappoint.

I guess she's only upset when she finds out

he's stopped killing people.

he's stopped killing people.

And she goes, "You know, sometimes I feel like

I don't even know who you are anymore."

[♪]

JERRY [ON PHONE]: Eight years isn't such a long streak.

It isn't?

No. I haven't vomited in 13 years.

Get out!

Not since June 29, 1980.

You remember the date?

Yes. Because my previous vomit was also June 29, 1972.

That's why during the '80 vomit,

I was yelling to George,

"Can you believe it?

I'm vomiting on June 29th again."

I'm vomiting on June 29th again."

Boy, you know, when Joel told me he hadn't thrown up

in eight years,

I was wondering if he was normal.

No, Elaine, he's normal.

Your boyfriend is a normal guy.

He just has the same name as one of the worst serial killers

in the history of New York.

Yeah.

Oh, Jer, I got to go.

Hi. Hey.

We just saw your boyfriend at a bus stop.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. What's his name?

Joel.

Joel what?

Uh, Rifkin.

Rifkin?

Joel Rifkin?

Yeah. It's just a coincidence,

obviously.

Guess you better keep on his good side.

Very funny. That's very funny.

Yeah, I wouldn't sleep with my back to him

if I were you.

Yeah. Well, that's enough of that.

Elaine, listen, if you smell anything

decaying in the trunk of his car--

Look, this is my boyfriend we're talking about!

He's a gentleman, he's good-looking,

he's a good shaver

and he hasn't thrown up in eight years.

So just shut up about him.

Shut up!

The whole city is talking

about this monster, Joel Rifkin.

And I am dating a Joel Rifkin.

But you like your Joel Rifkin.

Yeah. I just wish he had a different name.

Ask him to change it.

You can't ask a person to change their name.

Why not?

Would you change yours?

If someone asked me nicely.

I'm Claude Seinfeld.

Hey, how many people did Rifkin strangle, 18?

Yeah, 18 strangles.

Well, you know why Rifkin was a serial killer?

Well, you know why Rifkin was a serial killer?

Because he was adopted.

Just like Son of Sam was adopted.

So apparently,

adoption leads to serial killing.

You know, Joel and I have an extra ticket to the Giants game.

I'll go. Okay.

I'll leave a ticket for you at will call.

Yeah! Ooh!

You think I should have asked George?

Hey, did you hear George got back with Karen?

Karen?

Karen?

Risotto.

I feel full after the risotto.

Oh, the risotto broad.

Yeah.

He's really got a good thing with her.

In fact, I'm doubling with them tonight.

Thought you didn't like double dates.

George likes them. He feels it's a good personality showcase.

He likes a date to see him with a friend,

so she can get a window into his non-date personality.

I've looked through that window

and screamed at him to shut the blinds.

He feels he's funnier, more relaxed.

Uh-huh. And you're taking?

Jodi, the masseuse.

Oh, did you get a massage yet?

No. How many times do I have to go out with her,

before I get a massage?

Jerry, she gives massages all day.

She doesn't want to give them on dates.

Yeah, I know. She just wants to have sex.

So what?

So it's like going to Idaho and eating carrots.

I like carrots, but I'm in Idaho,

I want a potato.

So I go into this clothing store,

and the saleswoman is wearing this, uh...

[WHISTLES]

Low-cut thing.

Low-cut thing.

So I said to her, "Can I ask you a question?

"When you put on a top like that,

"what's your thought process?

What's going on in your mind?"

Oh, that is so funny.

You listening to this?

Yeah, I heard you.

Boy, my neck is killing me.

It's, like, right in this spot.

Very tender over here.

So, what did she say?

Well, nothing. I didn't actually say that.

You just said that you said it.

You just said that you said it.

Sweetheart, I was exaggerating.

I'm learning a lot about you tonight, George.

I've never seen you like this.

It's like somebody's pulling on wires back here.

You know, it's like you never see a really attractive woman

getting a traffic ticket.

How can you say that?

My sister got a ticket last week.

Are you saying she's not attractive?

Well, I've never met your sister.

But obviously, these are not hard-and-fast rules.

Darling, the tea is getting a little cold, sweetheart.

Darling, the tea is getting a little cold, sweetheart.

Can we go? Yeah, let's go.

So soon?

Yeah. Good seeing you again, Karen.

Nice meeting you, Karen.

Nice to meet you too.

I'm gonna call you about that massage.

Jodi, let's do this again real soon.

Yeah.

I strained my neck last night.

Really? Yeah.

How?

Well, I tried brushing my teeth

by holding the brush

and moving my head from side to side.

It didn't work.

So, what's the deal with your friend, George?

So, what's the deal with your friend, George?

No deal, why?

What was all that "attractive women

not getting tickets" nonsense?

Oh, well, he was just showcasing

his non-date personality.

I don't know how you can hang out with that guy.

Yeah, sometimes it really makes me tense.

Did you see the way that he was eating?

Yeah, he's disgusting.

I have to tell you,

I really don't like him.

Yeah, me either.

It's just I hate that type.

Ah, he's a bad seed.

Now, you, however,

you, I like.

Uh, what are you doing?

What do you think I'm doing?

So, what do you think?

Really enjoyed it.

Jodi's nice.

She's very nice.

Let's discuss this later.

You think she liked me? She seemed to like me.

Mm-hm.

I was personable, don't you think?

You were extremely personable.

You were extremely personable.

'Cause I thought I picked up a little something.

I'm very good at this.

Did you pick up anything?

I didn't pick up anything.

The second time I sent the noodles back...

I-- I thought she made a face.

I didn't see a face.

I thought I saw a face.

Anyhow, what's the difference?

No difference. I could care less.

She's Jerry's girlfriend.

George, instead of talking about this,

we could be, uh...

You know.

Heh, heh, heh, heh.

So you think she liked me?

So you think she liked me?

Ohh!

What are you doing?

Massaging your neck.

Oh, heh.

Of course.

Massaging.

Uh, boning up on football?

Yeah. Yeah. You know what?

There are a lot of players named Deion these days.

What a cool name, Deion.

What a cool name, Deion.

If I were going to change my name,

I'd go with Deion.

Deion Benes?

Well, as a woman, it makes no sense.

But, I mean, well, let's say I was you.

And I decided I was gonna change my name,

for no real reason whatsoever.

Deion Rifkin.

Wow! That is so cool.

D-Deion Rifkin?

Well, maybe you're not the Deion type.

Well, maybe you're not the Deion type.

Okay then, let's see, let's see, what do we got?

Oh! Oh! Oh!

O.J.!

O.J. Rifkin! Oh!

You don't even use a name, it's just initials.

Oh, please, please, change your name to O.J.

It would be so great!

Elaine, what is going on?

She stayed over?

Yeah.

Sex wasn't so good?

No. Sex was fabulous.

So?

I want the massage!

I want the massage!

Did you ask her?

I tried putting her hands there. She pulls it away immediately.

She's not into it.

Why not?

I guess 'cause it's her job.

It's very frustrating.

So, uh, we had a good time, huh, the four of us.

Yeah.

We all got along. Everyone seemed very pleasant.

Yeah.

What did Jodi say?

She had a good time.

That it?

Pretty much.

She say anything about, uh...?

She say anything about, uh...?

What?

Nah, it's all right, great!

She had a good time.

Yeah.

You just hesitated.

I was blowin' on the coffee.

She didn't like me.

Look, it's not like you're gonna be spending

a lot of time with her.

So she doesn't like me?

No.

She said that?

Yes.

She told you she doesn't like me?

Yes.

What were her exact--? "I don't like him."

What were her exact--? "I don't like him."

Uh-huh.

Why didn't she like me?

Not everybody likes everybody.

I wasn't nice? You were very nice!

I bent over backwards for that woman!

Was it what I said about her sister?

It has nothing to do with the sister.

I don't even know her sister!

But believe me, if she's getting traffic tickets,

she's not that good-looking!

You vomited in 1987.

Oh, no. That was the dry heaves.

Jodi!

Hi, Jerry.

Hi, Jerry.

Ha, ha, hey!

What are you doing here?

I was giving Kramer a massage.

Kramer!

I gotta run. I have an appointment downtown.

Let me take your table downstairs.

No, that's okay

Give it to me, I love to help people.

Come on. I'm going this way.

I'll see you tonight.

Hey!

I am looser than creamed corn.

Who told you to get a massage from her?

I haven't gotten a massage from her yet!

I haven't gotten a massage from her yet!

You don't know what you're missing, buddy.

No one hails a cab like me.

My hailing technique is unmatched.

See, I get the wrist going side to side and boom!

Cabs are crashing into themselves to just pick me up.

All right, here we go. Let me get the door.

Feminists aside, I know women like the door-holding.

Here we are. Alrighty. Good. Okay.

Jodi, let's get together again real soon.

Say hello to your sister for me.

You've never met.

Whatever. Believe me,

if I wasn't involved right now,

if I wasn't involved right now,

I wouldn't mind being set up.

Something tells me she's a knockout!

But first, she sets the mood perfectly

with this New Age music played over ocean sounds.

Then she lays you out on this table,

and she proceeds to rub oil

over your entire body.

And she rubs long and deep.

Jerry, she rubs with love.

Every muscle she touches just...

Every muscle she touches just...

oozes...

beneath those silky, soft fingers.

You can scarcely contain yourself, buddy.

So you had a good time, huh?

Oh, yeah.

Enjoyed yourself?

Very much.

All right, now, you listen, and you listen good!

What?

The massages are out!

What--? Aah! They're out!

Why?

Because if I can't get one, you're not getting one!

Wait a minute, wait a minute. I need my massages.

Can't you see I'm burned out?

I'm sorry, Kramer.

Why? Look, I paid for her!

Don't you ever talk about her like that!

Yeah, but why--?

That's final!

Aah! Yaah!

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to Giants Stadium.

Oh, you have photos in your wallet?

Yeah.

Why, is that weird?

No. It's normal.

You're very normal.

You're totally normal.

You're totally normal.

Who's this?

That's my mother.

Oh, yeah. I see the resemblance.

No, there's no resemblance.

Yeah, there is, right here, you see--

Elaine, I was adopted.

Oh, that's nice.

Oh, the game's about to start.

Yeah, I wonder where your friend Kramer is.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Uh, yeah, a ticket for Kramer?

Here it is. I need some ID.

Here it is. I need some ID.

Oh, yeah.

[SNAPS FINGERS]

You know, I forgot my wallet.

Well, I can't give it to you, then.

Are you kidding me?

I'm afraid not.

Come on, just look at me, huh?

Now tell me I'm not Kramer.

I'm sorry. I need proof.

Look, I'll drive out here tomorrow,

and I'll show you the ID.

I got nothing to do all day.

Neither do I.

But without ID, I need confirmation

But without ID, I need confirmation

from the person who left the ticket.

Where's a phone?

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,

may I have your attention, please?

Would Joel Rifkin report to the stadium office.

[CROWD GROWS SILENT]

Joel Rifkin, telephone.

Who would be calling me here?

He's not the murderer.

Oh, God.

What's the matter with you?

Jerry, I need another massage.

You just had one yesterday.

What do you need another one for?

Because of the Giant game!

I told you, it went overtime.

You know those seats. They're very unforgiving.

Oh, please.

And then the game-winning field goal

went over the net and into the crowd,

and I dove over three rows!

My back, it's killing me!

My back, it's killing me!

It's killing me, Jerry!

Well, did you get the ball?

Oh, I got the ball.

Well, I never even caught a foul ball at a baseball game.

Well, it's quite a thrill.

Why don't you get somebody else?

Because nobody does it like she does.

She's the best.

That's it. Tonight's the night!

I'm getting one! No ifs, ands or buts.

[WHINES] What about my massage?

[IMITATES WHINING] Ask Newman.

So I lugged that table, that big, heavy massage table,

So I lugged that table, that big, heavy massage table,

all the way down to the cab!

You ever see one of those things?

Of course.

Well, I don't know. Maybe you haven't.

You know, not everybody's seen a massage table.

What do you think? I've never had a massage?

Anyway, I don't even get a thank you.

I don't get it!

George, frankly, I'm getting a little tired

of hearing about her.

I wanna know what I did to this woman?

What, do you got a little thing for her?

No, no! She's going out with a friend of mine.

It's only courteous that we should try and like each other.

It's only courteous that we should try and like each other.

What's the difference? Who cares if she doesn't like you?

Does everybody in the world have to like you?

Yes! Yes! Everybody has to like me!

I must be liked!

Of course I support your decision

to change your name.

After the Giant game,

I realized that this--

This problem isn't going away.

Well, listen, I just want you to know,

that I was more than willing to stick it out with Joel Rifkin.

that I was more than willing to stick it out with Joel Rifkin.

Sure.

[GROWLS]

Okay, you got your list?

Yeah, yeah. Ten names.

Right.

Okay, and if somebody objects, you can just veto it.

Okay. Okay.

You start. What's your first choice?

Stuart.

No. Second choice.

S-Stuart's no good?

I have never met a normal guy named Stuart.

Okay. My second choice is Todd.

Todd.

Todd.

No. Veto.

All right.

Oh, hey, I think you're going to like

my third choice. Oh, great.

Alex.

I got to tell you, I have a bad association

with the name Alex.

Bad association?

Yeah. In college, I sat next to an Alex

in art history.

And he was always drinking coffee,

and after every sip, he would go, "Ahh!"

I mean, every two seconds, "Ahh!"

I mean, every two seconds, "Ahh!"

And he would take, like, 40 sips,

and after every one, "Ahh!"

I had to drop the class.

[NEW AGE MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO]

Hey. Hi.

I was running late and I didn't have a chance

to drop off my stuff before I came over.

Oh, no problem. That's fine.

What's with this music?

Uh, it's New Age music.

Sounds of the forest.

I find it soothing.

Hey, look at this. What do you know?

Hey, look at this. What do you know?

A massage table.

This is great.

What are you doing?

Just checking it out.

Look at how this thing is made.

Can I tell you something?

That's a hell of a piece of equipment.

Actually, I should get a new one.

Nonsense.

This one's fine.

So where do you want to go?

Go? Why go anywhere?

Ahh, that feels good.

Yeah, that's, uh...

Yeah, that's, uh...

That's good.

Yeah, that's nice. That's very nice.

No. No, this isn't good.

I can't do this.

Why? What's wrong?

I can't. No. Yes, you can.

No, I can't.

Come on. I know it's something you want to do.

You know what?

Mm-hm?

I should really go talk to her.

Nothing confrontational. Just two adults sitting down,

trying to clear the air.

I just know, if I could spend some time alone with her...

I've got to. I've got to.

You're going now?

Well, I think I can still catch her.

All right, George, I have had just about enough of this.

What? What are you talking about?

I am talking about you and Jodi.

You're completely obsessed with her.

I know. I know.

Who is more important to you, her or me?

Who is more important to you, her or me?

I like you, she doesn't.

Who you gonna pick?

I'm sorry, Karen. I know I care for you,

but I just can't stand when someone doesn't like me.

Well, now I hate you!

That, I'm used to.

Ned?

What is wrong with Ned?

No.

Ned's a guy who buys irregular underwear.

Next.

Ellis.

Ellis.

Ellis? You might as well go with Alex.

It's the same thing.

Ellis and Alex aren't even close.

Next! Oh! What's the point?

No, no, come on!

Okay, okay.

Remy.

Remy Rifkin? Mm-hm.

Should I get a beret?

Oh, Stuart's a lot better.

Little Stuart Rifkin

Little Stuart Rifkin

likes to go shopping with his mother.

JERRY: What do you mean, no?

No means no.

Look, who are you kidding?

You come up to my apartment

with your table and your little oils.

And I'm not supposed to expect anything?

You're a massage teaser.

Listen, I massage who I want when I want.

I don't submit to forcible massage.

I'm getting out of here.

Fine, go.

Jerry, could you excuse us for a few minutes, please?

What for?

We need to talk.

You need to talk?

We have nothing to talk about.

It's no secret what's going on between us.

She doesn't like me.

Now, Jerry, if you don't mind.

George, anything you have to say to her

George, anything you have to say to her

you can say in front of me.

Jerry...

this woman hates me so much

I'm starting to like her.

What?

She just dislikes me so much...

it's irresistible.

I can see that.

I'm getting out of here.

Don't call me. Don't worry.

A woman that hates me this much

comes along once in a lifetime.

You're a lucky guy.

I got to go after her.

George.

I wouldn't push for the massage.

Jodi!

[♪]

The Swedish are very big massagers, you know.

They like the Swedish meatballs, Swedish massage.

They like having meat in their hands, these people.

For some reason. But it's weird.

Because they have a high suicide rate.

They're rubbing each other's necks all the time.

For a neutral country, they seem kind of tense.

I don't really like the idea of getting a professional massage.

I don't want people touching me that don't know me

and don't want to have sex with me.

What are you bothering me for?

You get me all loosened up, juices flowing,

then, "That's it. Okay. You're done."

Like having chocolate rubbed all over your face.

Like having chocolate rubbed all over your face.

You want to go, "Excuse me. I think you missed a spot."

[♪]