Original subtitles

To me, the whole concept of fear of success

is proof that we are definitely

scraping the bottom of the fear barrel.

Are we going to have to have AA-type meetings

for these people?

Going, "Hi. My name is Bill.

"And the one thing I'm worried about

is having a stereo and a cream-colored couch."

According to most studies,

people's number one fear is public speaking.

Number two is death.

Death is number two.

Death is number two.

Now, this means, to the average person,

if you have to go to a funeral,

you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

Why? Why can't I play Kramer?

Look, we've been through this already.

You're not an actor.

Neither are you. I know.

Why do we need two people in the show that can't act?

Oh, come on, Jerry. How hard is it to act?

You say something, I'll pretend it's funny.

Come on.

My grandmother's in the hospital.

[LAUGHING UPROARIOUSLY]

Your grandmother's in the hospital!

Oh, this is real believable.

What? You didn't think I was really laughing?

It stinks.

All right, let's see you do it.

All right, let's see you do it.

Say something funny.

All right.

I've never been to Mars,

but I imagine it's quite lovely.

Mine was better than that! Come on, look.

Why are you two pretending to be laughing?

We're acting.

Oh. Yeah, real good.

Any word from NBC?

No. I don't understand.

They're supposed to be casting this week.

Something's wrong. Maybe they're not doing it.

Something's wrong. Maybe they're not doing it.

Well, at least let me audition.

He wants to play Kramer in the pilot.

Out of the question. Yeah!

Oh!

How could we not hear anything?

What's with this Russell? What's he doing?

ELAINE: Hi, Russell.

Sit. Sit down. It's okay.

I really appreciate you coming.

Oh, that's okay. I don't have much time, though, so...

All right, well, first of all...

I want to apologize for all the phone calls.

It's just-- It's just--

I don't understand. I mean, we went out, once, and--

Yeah, that was two months ago.

Yes, I know.

And I-- I just-- I can't get you out of my mind.

Ever since that... That day in that restaurant when we met.

Do you, uh...have a ketchup secret?

No, I...

Russell, you are the president of NBC.

Okay? You can have any woman you want.

But I want you.

But I want you.

God, I hate these mixtures.

I don't know why--

Why don't they just put pretzels out on the table?

Or even peanuts would be good.

But I don't know who eats these cheesy things.

Is it something I said?

Or did?

Um... Look, Russell.

You're a very sweet guy.

But, um...I gotta be honest with you.

I don't like television.

And that's your world. That's your life.

And that's your world. That's your life.

I mean, maybe if you were in, um,

I don't know, Greenpeace or something,

that would be different,

but network television!

I mean, come on, Russell. You're part of the problem.

Oh, Elaine, we're doing

some really very, very interesting things right now.

We've got some very exciting pilots for next season.

We have one with a bright young comedian,

Jerry Seinfeld.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, I've heard of him.

He's that, um,

"Did you ever notice this? Did you ever notice that?" guy.

He was in the restaurant the day that we met.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Um...well, anyway, it's a groundbreaking show.

Really? What is it about?

Well, it's-- It's really-- It's very unusual.

It's about nothing.

What do you mean it's about nothing?

Mmm. For example, what did you do today?

Um...I got up, um, I went to work,

then I came here.

There's a show. That's a show.

Russell, see, I'm really not interested in this stuff.

And I do have to go to work, so...

And I do have to go to work, so...

Elaine, uh... When-- When are we--

When are we going to see each other again?

I'm sorry, Russell.

I'm sorry, okay?

Bye-bye.

So I'll see you later, huh?

[PHONE RINGS] Yeah.

Hello?

Yeah, he's here. Hey!

It's for you. Oh, yeah?

He's getting phone calls here now?

Hello. Yeah.

Hey!

Again with the sweatpants?

What? I'm comfortable.

You know the message you're sending out to the world

with these sweatpants?

with these sweatpants?

You're telling the world, "I give up!"

"I can't compete in normal society.

"I'm miserable,

so I might as well be comfortable."

KRAMER: Hold on a second.

I got another call.

Hello.

Yeah, he'll call you back.

Who is it?

That's NBC.

NBC?

Kramer, give me the phone!

I'm in the middle of a conversation!

Get off the phone!

Look, I'll call you back.

Yeah. All right.

You know I'm waiting to hear from them!

Who was it?

Who was it?

It was Russell Dalrymple's secretary.

All right.

Now you're doing something to help me.

Hello? Yes. Jerry Seinfeld, returning the call.

Uh-huh.

Okay, great.

Thanks a lot.

Casting tomorrow at NBC, 4:00!

We're in business, baby! The pilot's on!

You're gonna be successful!

What if the pilot gets picked up

and it becomes a series?

That would be wonderful, George. You'll be rich and successful.

Yeah, that's exactly what I'm worried about.

Yeah, that's exactly what I'm worried about.

God would never let me be successful.

He'd kill me first. He'll never let me be happy.

I thought you didn't believe in God.

I do for the bad things.

Do you hear what you're saying?

God isn't out to get you, George.

What--

What is that on your lip?

What?

It's like a discoloration. It's white.

Yes.

Yes, it's white.

Yes, it's white.

Why is that white?

You'd better get that checked out.

"Better get that checked out?"

I would.

What kind of a therapist are you?

I'm paying you, I'm scared that

something terrible's gonna happen to me,

right away, you start looking for tumors?

I'm trying to help you!

What are you, like a sadist?

No matter how bad somebody feels,

you can make them feel worse.

I bet you're rooting for a tumor.

I think you'd better go.

Oh, I'm going, baby.

I'm going!

Where? Right here.

Get outta here. It's nothing.

Get outta here. It's nothing.

Excuse me, do you see anything on my lip here?

Yeah. Like a discoloration.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, it's all white.

It's all white, Jerry. It's all white.

Would you stop?

Oh, I'd get that checked out if I were you.

Again with the checked out!

I'm not going to the doctor.

If I don't go to the doctor, nothing will happen.

If I go, he might find something.

If you go, maybe they'll catch it in time.

Catch what in time?

Whatever it is.

You think it's something?

Oh, I hate these bums with their filthy rags.

No, no, no, no! I don't want it!

Get away! Get away! Get away from my car!

You know, these squeegee--

Oh, my God, it's Crazy Joe Davola!

Good luck on the pilot, Jerry.

Yeah, I think I see it.

It's like a... white discoloration.

What do you think it is?

It's like a white discoloration.

Okay, guys. Are we ready to start?

Yeah. Where's Russell? I thought he was gonna be here.

Yeah. Where's Russell? I thought he was gonna be here.

Oh, you know, I don't know.

I saw him in the hall this morning,

I said hello to him.

He walked right past me.

He must be worried about the fall schedule.

Yeah. Oh, it's a real bear.

So what's going on?

We're gonna shoot the pilot

and then it's gonna be on TV the following week?

Yeah, right.

[DOOR OPENS]

This is Mark Matts.

He'll be auditioning for the role of George.

How you doing?

Hey, Mark. How are you?

JERRY: They've gotta be kidding.

GEORGE: This guy's perfect!

Okay, let's read this.

Okay, let's read this.

I'll be reading Jerry's part.

Anyone call for Vandelay Industries?

CASTING DIRECTOR: No, why?

Listen to me.

I told the unemployment office

I was close to a job with Vandelay Industries

and I gave them your phone number.

So when you answer the phone now,

you've got to say, "Vandelay Industries."

[LAUGHS]

MARK: Right! I'm Vandelay Industries?

You're in latex. What is that?

What do I do with latex?

I don't know... You manufacture it!

This is Michael Barth, another George.

ALL: Hi, Michael. How you doing?

ALL: Hi, Michael. How you doing?

Everything all right?

I just came from the podiatrist.

I got something wrong with my foot.

I got a little gangrene. They're

probably gonna have to amputate.

[LAUGHS]

Uh, yeah. Any questions?

What are we looking at here? Is this guy like a real loser?

No, not a loser!

Uh, let's start with the second scene. You have it there?

Yeah. Okay.

A man gave me a...massage.

[LAUGHS]

CASTING DIRECTOR: So?

Uh, well, he, uh...

He had his hands, you know, and, uh, he was, uh...

He had his hands, you know, and, uh, he was, uh...

He was what?

Well, he was, you know... touching and rubbing.

That's a massage.

I think it moved.

Melissa Shannon.

Hi!

ALL: Hi, Melissa!

Melissa is reading for Elaine.

It's like a bald convention out there!

Sorry. I made a faux pas.

No, you didn't. He knows he's bald.

So how about that guy wearing sweatpants?

So how about that guy wearing sweatpants?

I mean, did he do that for the part

or does he walk around like that?

CASTING DIRECTOR: Okay.

Shall we start?

Uh, you know what? I'll read with her.

Oh, great! Oh!

Yeah. All right. Want to start?

Okay.

[CLEARS THROAT]

What was that look?

What look?

That look you just gave me.

I gave a look? Yes.

Thank you!

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

CASTING DIRECTOR: Let's see some more Kramers.

ALL: Hi! How you doing?

How you doing?

Good.

Levels. What is this about?

Levels?

Yeah. I'm getting rid of all my furniture.

Yeah. I'm getting rid of all my furniture.

All of it.

I'm building levels...

with steps.

Completely carpeted...

with pillows.

[ALL LAUGH]

Like ancient Egypt.

I don't know how you're gonna be comfortable like that.

Oh...I'll be comfortable.

Very good! Very nice!

GEORGE: Very nice. Tom, that was terrific!

Thank you for coming in.

It was a wonderful reading.

It was a wonderful reading.

Yeah, really.

Well, bye!

Thank you. Take it easy!

Now, I thought he was really good.

Yeah, I liked him. Very funny.

What happened to the raisins?

Yeah, there was a box of raisins there.

Did he just steal the raisins?

Do you think he stole them?

This is Martin Van Nostrand.

What are you doing here?

You two know each other?

Wait a minute. I know you!

Wait a minute. I know you!

You're the guy from the Calvin Klein underwear ads.

That's true.

I saw Joe DiMaggio in Dinky Donuts again.

But this time...

I went in.

[GROANS]

Where's the bathroom?

I think if you go down the hall,

I think if you go down the hall,

it's on the right at the very end.

Be right back.

MAN: Sorry, buddy. Full house.

MAN: Sorry. Customers only.

MAN: Hey, you need a ticket!

[GROANS]

So who's playing Elaine?

Oh, don't worry about it.

Very talented, very talented young actress.

Really?

Yes. Who is it?

She's an Eskimo, actually.

Oh, God. She came down from Juneau by sled.

Uh-huh. She was in the Iditarod.

Got to the finish line, just kept going.

She's got the dogs with her in the hotel room.

Listen, was Russell at the casting?

No, he didn't show up.

No, he didn't show up.

You know, I'm a little bit worried about him.

I don't understand. We had one date two months ago.

Am I that charming and beautiful?

No. No, you're not.

Why do I keep setting you up?

I don't know.

Could we get a little more?

You know, ever since this new owner took over,

the service here is really slow.

Yeah.

Have you noticed anything else that's...different

Have you noticed anything else that's...different

since the new management?

Mmm.

They're putting a little lemon in the tuna.

I love that.

Mmm. Besides that.

Look at the waitresses.

Yeah?

What physical characteristic

would you say is common to all of them?

Uh-- Uh-- Aah. Ha-ha.

I mean, look at this.

Every waitress working here has the same proportions,

wouldn't you say?

Yes, I would say.

Yes, I would say.

What's going on here? How is this possible?

Do you think it's a coincidence?

No.

I haven't seen four women like this together

outside of a Russ Meyer film.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Hi. Excuse me. Who does all the hiring of waitresses here?

Um, he does.

We're looking for another girl, if you know anyone.

Oh.

You know what?

That's discriminatory.

That is unfair.

Why should these women have all the advantages?

It's not enough they get all the attention from men?

It's not enough they get all the attention from men?

They have to get all the waitress jobs too?

Hey, that's life. Good-looking men have the same advantage.

You don't see any handsome homeless.

Do you see it? It's right here. It's-- It's a little white...

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I've never seen this before.

Never seen this before?

I'm gonna have to take a biopsy on this.

A what?

A biopsy.

A biopsy?

A biopsy?

Yeah.

Cancer? Is it cancer? Do I have cancer?

Well, I don't know what it is.

He took a biopsy, Jerry, a biopsy.

What did he say?

He said he didn't know what it was.

All right, so?

When I asked him if it was cancer,

he didn't give me a "Get outta here."

That's what I wanted to hear. "Cancer? Hey, get outta here."

Well, maybe he doesn't have

a "Get outta here" kind of personality.

How could you be a doctor and not say, "Get outta here"?

It should be part of the training at medical school.

"Cancer? Get outta here!

"Go home! What are you, crazy?

"It's a little test. It's nothing.

You're a real nut, do you know that?"

You're a real nut, do you know that?"

I told you God would never let me be successful.

I never should have written that pilot.

Now the show will be a big hit and make millions of dollars

and I'll be dead,

dead, Jerry, because of this.

Can't you at least die with a little dignity?

No, I can't.

I can't die with dignity. I have no dignity.

I want to be the one person who doesn't die with dignity.

I lived my whole life in shame! Why should I die with dignity?

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Hey.

Hey.

What happened to you yesterday?

I got mugged.

You got mugged? Mugged?

Well, I wouldn't have minded it so much,

but I was running home to go to the bathroom.

Well, why didn't you use the bathroom in the building?

It was full.

I tried a few other places, you know,

but that didn't work.

I mean, it was an emergency, Jerry.

I was really percolating.

So I decided to run home, you know, through the park.

And then these two guys, they stopped me.

And then these two guys, they stopped me.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Yeah?

ELAINE: It's me.

Come on up.

But now I got a big problem, buddy.

What is it?

Well, I waited so long, I-- I missed my chance.

You didn't go?

No. And now I can't get it back.

The best thing to do is just not think about it.

How could you not think about it?

How could you not think about it?

Hey. Hey--

[MUMBLES]

What's the matter with him?

He's a little backed up.

Oh.

Elaine.

So, I spoke to some of my sisters

about that coffee shop.

Oh, the sisters.

Have you seen the waitresses in there lately?

I never had so much coffee in my life.

ELAINE: So we decided I should go over there

and apply for a job myself.

and apply for a job myself.

Apply for a job? What for?

Because it's discriminatory.

It's a coincidence.

Yeah. This is what you're gonna wear?

You're not gonna get the job.

Exactly.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello.

Oh, hi.

Yeah, I guess we could do that.

At what time?

All right. Uh, I'll see you there.

Okay. Bye.

Who was that?

TV Elaine.

TV Elaine.

She wants to get together and talk about the part.

Oh. What about the dogs?

They're having sex in the hotel room.

So the Elaine character is based on someone you know.

Yes.

And she's really your ex-girlfriend.

Uh-huh, yeah.

I want to get to know her from the inside.

What is she like? Tell me about her.

Well, she's fascinated with Greenland.

She enjoys teasing animals, Banlon,

and seeing people running for their lives.

She loves throwing garbage out the window,

yet she's extremely dainty.

yet she's extremely dainty.

How would she eat a hamburger?

With her hands.

What about pasta?

Also with her hands.

Seriously...

I want to experience everything she's experienced.

Everything?

Everything.

All right, she cuts pasta with a knife.

That's good. What's her favorite movie?

Shaft.

You got to get me a picture.

What about sex?

She likes talking during sex.

Oh.

Dirty talking?

No, just chitchat. Movies, current events, regular stuff.

No, just chitchat. Movies, current events, regular stuff.

You know, Sandi--

Elaine.

What?

Call me...Elaine.

All right...

Elaine.

How does Elaine kiss?

Well--

Does she kiss... like this?

Actually, she has a thing

where she spirals her tongue around--

It's like-- Like this?

I think you got it.

Now, I like to eat spaghetti

with just a fork,

because I can keep the strands long

and I can slurp it up to my mouth like this.

Look.

[SLURPING]

Now, sex, I like the bottom.

Let them do all the work, you know?

You should be writing this stuff down.

Yeah, bran flakes... 100 percent.

Yeah, bran flakes... 100 percent.

I got a big problem.

I'll have a hamburger. That's it.

Thanks a lot. That's good.

Oh, now, I like to play golf.

This stuff doesn't matter to me.

See, I'm gonna do the character like me, not like you.

You got to play him like me. I'm Kramer.

I'm Kramer.

Whoa. I'm Kramer.

What can I do for you? Would you like table?

No, I'd like to apply for a waitress job.

Oh. Have you ever waited on tables before?

Oh. Have you ever waited on tables before?

Oh, yeah.

I've been a professional waitress

for the last 10 years.

And I've worked all over the city.

These, uh, are my references.

I'm sure you'll find that I'm more than qualified.

I don't think I need anyone else right now.

You're in big trouble, mister,

and I mean trouble with a capital T.

What? What did I do?

ELAINE: Anyway, there's at least

four of them,

four of them,

and they're all huge.

I mean, one is bigger than the next.

It's like a Russ Meyer movie.

Who's Russ Meyer?

Oh, um, he's this guy

who made these terrible movies in the '70s

with these kinds of women.

He's obsessed.

He's obsessed with breasts.

That's hard to say.

Anyway, go on.

Um...

Well, there's not really much more to tell.

He was looking for waitresses,

and I went in to apply for the job,

and I went in to apply for the job,

and he looked me up and down and he rejected me.

Paul, come here for a second.

I want you to listen to this.

Hi. Hi.

Paul, the woman here claims

there's a restaurant on the West Side

that's only hiring large-breasted women.

Really?

What do you mean "made up"?

It's made up. Ha11agen-Dazs is made up.

It's not Danish.

TV KRAMER: You're crazy.

JERRY: No, I'm not.

George, is Ha11agen-Dazs Danish?

What do you mean, "Danish"?

What do you mean, "Danish"?

This guy stinks.

Danish. Is it from Denmark?

No, they make it in New Jersey.

It's just a Danish-sounding name.

I can't believe that. They fooled me, Jerry.

[WHISPERING] Boy, talk about a show about nothing.

Uh, excuse me.

Excuse me.

This-- This is not right.

May I?

You see, you're going,

"They fooled me, Jerry."

"They fooled me, Jerry."

You want to hit "fooled" more. "They fooled me, Jerry."

You see the difference?

I'm not gonna say it like that.

Just a suggestion.

[CHUCKLES]

All right, everybody, take a five!

Yep, that's five!

[ALARM BUZZES]

George?

Um...

I don't have a lot of experience with this acting stuff,

but, from what I can gather,

but, from what I can gather,

they're a little touchy about being told how to say the lines.

Why is that?

I don't know, but they don't seem to like it.

Oh, you're fine. You're fine. By the way, how am I doing?

So you think this guy playing Kramer took the raisins?

Why would he steal a box of raisins?

Yeah.

It's bizarre.

That little bald guy's driving me nuts.

That little bald guy's driving me nuts.

I'm gonna rip him a new one if he doesn't leave.

I wish that was our real problem.

What do you think the real problem is?

It's Seinfeld. He can't act.

It's pathetic.

I told you, these stand-ups can't act.

I'm cringing watching him.

What's with him?

Russell?

RITA: Russell?

RITA: Russell?

What?

You okay? Yeah.

No, I-I was just... thinking of something.

I'll be back in a second.

What's the matter?

Nothing.

You're acting weird. Is anything wrong?

No.

Are you breaking up with me?

Are we going out?

You're breaking up with me, aren't you?

You're breaking up with me, aren't you?

Do you want me to break up with you?

If that's what you want.

I don't even know what you're talking about.

Okay, fine. Break up with me.

All right, we're broken up.

Can we still be friends?

Do you remember when you came to audition?

Yeah.

There was a box of raisins on the coffee table.

Did you, by any chance, take them with you when you left?

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

Well, we were all eating the raisins.

And I remember you...you were eating some of the raisins.

And then you left, and the raisins were gone.

And I was just wondering if, you know,

maybe you took them with you.

Are you accusing me of stealing the raisins?

Oh, no, no--

Why would I steal a box of raisins?

No, you wouldn't.

Nobody would, you know.

It's just that they were missing,

and, uh, well, I'm just inquiring.

and, uh, well, I'm just inquiring.

Let me give you a word of advice, okay?

I want you to stay away from me.

I don't want to talk to you,

and I don't want to hear any more

of your stupid little notes and suggestions.

I don't like you.

So if you got any other problems,

whether it's raisins, prunes, figs or any other dried fruit,

just keep it to yourself, and stay out of my way, okay?

Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

All right, um...

I don't think we're gonna have any problem with that.

I don't think we're gonna have any problem with that.

Good talking to you, Tom. Really.

Elaine, Elaine, what do you want?

What can I do?

Um-- Is-- Is it, uh--?

Is it my job? Is that what it is?

Elaine, I can't go on like this.

W-w-will you call me?

Would you call me? Uh--

Well, why? All right, you want--

May I call you?

Elaine? Elaine?

Excuse me, Mr. Dalrymple. I am so sorry.

Excuse me, Mr. Dalrymple. I am so sorry.

David Richardson. All right, what's your name?

Get out! You're fired!

But, Mr. Dalrymple--

Don't talk back to me!

Didn't you hear what I said? Get out.

You want me to call the cops?

I make and break little worms like you every day.

Do you know how much money I make?

Do you have any idea?

Do you know where I live?

I could have any woman in this city that I want.

Any one.

Now, get out!

RUSSELL: What are you all looking at?!

Go back to work!

Go back to work!

[SHOUTING] Back!

Now!

The doctor called and said the lab's backed up.

So now I'm not gonna get the results for another two days.

Oh, you're fine. There's nothing wrong with you.

I'm the one who's dying.

Because I can't act! What do you mean?

I stink! I don't know what I'm doing!

I'm gonna make a fool out of myself

in front of the entire country.

Oh, come on. You're, uh-- You're fine.

This show's gonna ruin my career.

I don't know how I got involved in this.

What about me?

I was a total failure.

I was a total failure.

Everything was fine.

Now this thing's gonna be a success,

and God's gonna give me a terminal disease.

This actress playing Elaine, she's out of her mind.

Yeah. The guy playing Kramer threatened me.

Why?

Because I asked him about the raisins.

You mentioned the raisins.

Oh, yeah.

Did he take them?

I don't know.

Well, if he didn't take them, what happened to them?

That's what I'm trying to find out.

That's what I'm trying to find out.

Hey. Oh.

Any luck?

No. No, nothing.

I got no peristalsis.

What about bran?

I tried bran.

40 percent, 50 percent, 100 percent.

The bran isn't working for me.

Did it. Well, what about Meta--?

Yeah, had it. How about Ex--?

Milk of magne--? Yeah, yeah.

Well, my friend,

Well, my friend,

it may be time to consider the dreaded apparatus.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Hold it right there.

If you're suggesting

what I think you're suggesting,

you're wasting your time.

I am not, Jerry, under any circumstances,

doing any inserting in that area.

Oh, it's not that bad.

KRAMER: Yeah! Yes, it is.

Well, it's all taken care of.

I filed a report. An investigation is under way.

You going to the taping?

No. I don't think I should go.

No. I don't think I should go.

I really don't want to bump into Russell.

He called me the other day. He won't quit.

Oh, come on, you gotta go.

He's harmless. He's got a little crush on you.

Jerry, this is not a crush.

This is a complete fixation. He makes me very uncomfortable.

We need you there.

Hey, are you gonna go?

Uh, no, no. I'm gonna stay home.

I--

I want to be close to my home base

in case there's any news from the front.

♪ [] ♪

♪ [] ♪

Blblblbl!

Bugada, bugada, bugada, bugada!

No! Pick it up more in the front.

It's gotta be higher! Higher!

Make a wall! A wall!

Sandi, are you in wardrobe?

Sandi?

Try Elaine.

Elaine?

Yes?

Elaine?

It's me, Wilton Marshall.

Remember? Camp Tioga, 1978?

Remember? Camp Tioga, 1978?

Oh. Remember?

[CHUCKLING] Right.

Wow.

You know, you haven't changed a bit.

I can't remember my lines!

I can't relax! Just relax. You'll be fine.

I don't know what line. I don't know any of them!

You're just like George. George does the same thing.

You're just like him. It's amazing.

Help me, Jerry! Help me.

George is always saying that.

I can't believe it.

You don't have to worry, anyway. It's not live.

It's not on until next week. Have a good show.

Well, what's my first line? Just tell me my first line.

"New sneakers?" Right. "New sneakers?"

"New sneakers?" Right. "New sneakers?"

That's it. "New sneakers?" Okay.

Where's Russell?

You know, I don't know.

I thought he was coming. I assumed he wouldn't miss it.

He hasn't been well.

Can I tell you something in confidence?

I think it's a woman.

How pathetic.

Yeah. This is George Costanza. I'm calling for my test results.

Negative?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, why? Why? Why?

What?

Negative's good?

Oh! Oh, yes. Yes, of course.

How stupid of me.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

What was I worried about?

[CHUCKLES]

[HUMMING]

Listen, I know we've had our problems in the past,

but we got a show to do tonight, hmm?

Time to pull together as a team. Life's too short.

I say, let's let bygones be bygones.

I say, let's let bygones be bygones.

If you took the raisins,

if you didn't take the raisins...

They weren't even my raisins.

I was just curious,

because it seemed like a strange thing to do,

to walk into a room, audition,

and walk out with a box of raisins.

Anyway, whatever.

If you ever want to tell me about it,

the door to my office is always open...

in the event that I get an office.

You'll come in, we'll talk about the raisins,

we'll have a nice laugh.

How would you like it

How would you like it

if I just pulled your heart out of your chest right now

and shoved it down your throat?

ANNOUNCER: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to a taping of the new show Jerry.

Does everybody here know what a pilot is?

Yeah, he flies the plane.

No, a pilot is the taping of a show

that's the first show before a TV series.

And this show will air on Thursday.

Are you ready to meet our cast?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

All right.

Good evening, folks. How you doing?

[APPLAUSE]

Well, you sound like a great crowd.

We have a show we're gonna put on for you tonight.

It's a new TV show, it's what they call a pilot,

and we hope it becomes a series.

It's called Jerry, and I'm playing Jerry--

Sic semper tyrannis!

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

What about Davola? Did you believe that?

What was that thing he yelled out,

"sic semper tyrannis"?

Yeah. What is that, Latin?

What John Wilkes Booth yelled when he shot Lincoln.

It means "Death to tyrants." Really? What does it mean?

I can see that.

See, now, this is exciting. This is exciting, huh?

Did I miss anything already?

No. It starts in five minutes.

You were there at the taping. What's the big deal?

Now it's on TV. It's different.

I told everybody I know to watch it.

I told everybody I know to watch it.

Yeah, me too.

Hey, what about Russell? Did you hear from him?

No.

Strange, him not showing up at the taping.

♪ Hey, pistol-packin' mama

♪ You swing that gal around

♪ Allemande left with the old gray hag

♪ Around and around you go Yee-ha! ♪

Well, well, well.

Congratulations.

Well, thank you.

You went for the big E?

Wet and wild.

All right, sit down. It's about to start.

Oh, yes.

Hey, what is this?

Hey, what is this?

Look, a wallet.

A wallet? Let me see that.

Here.

Oh, man, it's my father's wallet,

the one he thought they stole

at the doctor's office that time.

How do you like that? This is it!

Get-- Get--

♪ [] ♪

[ALL CHEERING]

You hurt me.

Hey.

Hey, George.

New sneakers?

Yeah.

What do you need new sneakers for?

I like sneakers.

How do you make a decision which ones to wear?

How do you make a decision which ones to wear?

I'd go crazy if I had to decide.

Oh, you're crazy anyway.

ELAINE: Why did you eat

the top off the muffin?

GEORGE: So what?

ELAINE: I can't eat it now.

BOTH: George.

What kind of stupid show is this?

Hey, that's that idiot that took all my records!

[LAUGHS]

John, what are you doing? Come back to bed.

This, uh, show looks interesting.

Uh, isn't he that Seinfeld fella you went out with?

Uh, isn't he that Seinfeld fella you went out with?

Ooh, he's horrible! Horrible!

Nevertheless...

Oh, that Jerry's a funny guy, huh?

Got to love the Sein.

Hate the Sein.

[SPEAKING CHINESE]

[SPEAKING CHINESE]

[SPEAKING CHINESE]

DONALD: This is a piece of crap!

Oh, Donald, you used to like him.

DONALD: What a sellout!

Give me that remote!

Give me the-- No, Donald!

Donald! Give me the remote!

Donald! Give me the remote!

Come on, Jerry, the commercial's almost over.

All right.

You know, Jerry, I really like this guy playing the butler.

Oh, yeah, he's good. He's John Ritter's cousin.

Really? Yeah.

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

Hello, Charles.

Hello.

So, uh, where do you want me to start?

Start in the bedroom.

[GRUMBLING] I'll start in your bedroom.

Hey. Hey.

The butler's here. He is?

Listen, when he's finished, send him over to my house.

I'm not sending him to your house.

I'm not sending him to your house.

Why not?

Because the judge decreed he'd become my butler,

not my friend's butler.

Jerry, he is your butler.

You can give him any order you want.

That's what butlers do.

But I don't want to.

Jerry, my house is a pigsty. Come on.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

It's Elaine. Yeah?

Come on up.

I need more Pledge.

More Pledge?

I just bought two cans last week,

and I don't have any wood in the house.

Well, it goes fast.

Hello.

Hello.

What's all this about?

We had a date last week.

You had a date?

You went out with my butler?

Who said you could go out with my butler?

Well, why do I need your permission?

Because he's my butler.

Ha ha! That's terrific!

[LAUGHING] How could anyone not like him?

I like his style.

I like his style.

He has a sort of casual elegance.

But he picks his nose.

Nevertheless...

He's a member of our health club, isn't he?

Yeah.

JERRY: Sure, that's great. 2:00?

You know, that Kim Novak had some big breasts.

...now a two-one pitch to Mattingly.

[CHEERING AND WHISTLING ON TV]

You ever notice a lot of butlers are named Jeeves?

You know, I think when you name a baby Jeeves,

You know, I think when you name a baby Jeeves,

you've pretty much mapped out his future, wouldn't you say?

Not much chance he's going to be a hit man,

I think, after that.

"Terribly sorry, sir,

but I'm going to have to whack you."

Yeah!

[CHEERS]

Oh, wow! That was great.

That show was so funny.

It was really funny.

I'm not just saying that because I know you, honestly.

All right, well, let's go out and celebrate.

Yeah. Yeah!

Seriously, that was so good.

Seriously, that was so good.

[PHONE RINGS]

You know what? This thing's gonna get picked up.

You guys are gonna be rich.

Oh, yeah. Do you really think so?

And God didn't kill me.

RITA: Hi, Jerry. Hello?

This is Rita Kierson.

Oh, hi, Rita.

I'm calling to let you know that Russell Dalrymple

is no longer with this network.

Oh, my God. Did he get fired?

To be honest with you, nobody really knows.

He seems to have disappeared.

Russell's disappeared?

In any event, I've been made the new president of NBC.

As you may or may not know,

As you may or may not know,

Russell and I did not see eye to eye

on many, many projects.

And as my first order of business,

I'm, uh, passing on your show.

You're passing already?

The show just ended two minutes ago.

Well, I just got the job. Goodbye, Jerry.

Yeah. See you.

W-what are you looking at me for?

It was you!

What? What? What did I do?

Do you realize his obsession with you cost us a TV series?

Do you realize his obsession with you cost us a TV series?

I didn't know that he'd fall for me,

and I'd drive him insane.

I mean, you know, that's not my fault.

Yes, it is!

You're very charming!

I can't believe this.

What happened to him? Where the hell is he?

No one knows.

RUSSELL: She works for Pendant Publishing.

She's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

You know, I used to work for NBC,

but when I go back to her this time,

but when I go back to her this time,

she'll respect me.

You'd better get down.

They might start firing soon.

[GUNSHOTS]

Hey, look at this.

What is going on here?

GEORGE: Well, well, well.

Nothing has changed. How did this happen?

Nothing has changed. How did this happen?

Oh, these are the two guys I talked to

at the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission.

Hey, what are you two guys doing here?

I thought you were going to do something about this.

Now you're eating here?

Oh, well, no, that's why we're here.

We're checking things out.

You're checking it out? Yeah, we're checking it out.

See you back at the office, guys.

Fred, Paul! Lunch and dinner?

Boy, you guys ought to move in.

How about a piece of pie, on me, huh?

Sophia, take care of these fellows.

Hey, come here a second.

Hey, come here a second.

I want you to know something.

You are not gonna get away with this!

Get away with what?

Oh, "with what?" You know what.

With the waitresses, how they're all...alike.

Oh! Oh! Of course they're alike.

They're my daughters.

Oh!

Your daughters.

Oh, you must be very proud, Mr. Visaki.

And may I say, sir, they're lovely girls.

Absolutely lovely girls.

It's nice to see such fine, upstanding women

It's nice to see such fine, upstanding women

in gainful employment, Mr. Visaki.

Oh, a table right here. Oh, here's table for you.

Peggy! Peggy!

Peggy! All right.

Daughter. Peggy. His daughter Peggy.

Peggy's coming over to serve.

One of the family.

Peggy. My daughter Peggy.

Ah, Peggy, good to see you.

Thank you very much. Hi, Peggy.

Guess what I gotta do tomorrow.

What?

JERRY: Oh. Start looking for a job.

KRAMER: You know what you ought to do, George?

You should work for Greenpeace.

You should work for Greenpeace.

You know those people,

they attack the whalers out on the open sea.

Are you crazy?

You take your life in your hands with those nuts.

Keep fighting, matey!

Get your head above the water!

I've got you, matey!

I got you, matey!

I'll remember her name: Elaine Benes!

I'll write to her!

I'll tell her all about you and what you did out here!

Goodbye, matey!

Goodbye, matey!

Goodbye!

Now, I know women often complain

about the number of things you have to do

to get male attention:

the high heels, the pantyhose, the makeup.

But let me tell you, it's even worse if you're a man.

Because if you're a man, you don't know what to do.

That's why we're building bridges, climbing mountains,

exploring uncharted territories.

You think we want to do these things?

Nobody wants to build a bridge.

It's really, really hard.

Designing rockets, flying off into space--

Designing rockets, flying off into space--

I guarantee you,

every astronaut, when he comes back from space,

goes up to a girl and goes,

"So did you see me up there?"