Original subtitles

I have a friend that's about to get married.

They're having the bachelor party

and the bridal shower the same day.

So it's conceivable that while she's getting lingerie,

he'll be at a nude bar

watching a table dancer in the same outfit.

That is possible.

But, to me, the difference

between being single and being married

is the form of government.

You see, when you're single,

you are the dictator of your own life.

I have complete power.

When I give the order

to fall asleep on the sofa with the TV on

in the middle of the day, no one can overrule me.

When you're married,

When you're married,

you are part of a vast decision-making body.

Before anything gets done, there are meetings.

Committees have to study the situation,

and this is if the marriage works.

I think that's what's so painful about divorce.

You've been impeached. You weren't even the president.

Hey, is it my imagination,

or do really good-looking women

walk a lot faster

than everybody else?

We don't walk that fast.

No, seriously.

Seriously, we don't.

And the better looking they are, the faster they go.

I mean, I see them out there on the street.

They're zooming around. They're a blur.

It's like they got a motor on their ass.

Hey, Jerry, come on.

Let's go!

We're gonna miss the previews.

We're gonna miss the previews.

What's the big hurry?

Hey, how are we getting to Scott Drake's party

on Saturday night?

Oh, Drake's party. I forgot to buy a present.

What, I gotta buy a present now?

Of course you do.

It's an engagement party.

Oh, it never ends, this present stuff.

Engagement present. Then they get married.

You gotta get them something for that.

Then a baby, there's another present.

Then the baby starts getting their presents.

I don't even like Drake.

You don't like the Drake?

I hate the Drake. I love the Drake.

How could you not like the Drake?

Who's the Drake?

Who's the Drake?

The Drake is good.

The Drake is good.

No...

So listen, what are you gonna get him?

You know, I haven't even met the fiancée.

Oh, whatever!

Elaine, look, I drew this triangle freehand.

It's a doodle.

It's perfect!

So what? That's easy.

Easy?

Hi.

Hey, have you gotten a present yet for the Drake?

Uh, no, no, not yet.

Do you like the Drake?

I love the Drake.

I love the Drake.

I'm looking forward to meeting the Drakette.

I'm lukewarm about the Drakette.

Boy, that's a nice triangle.

It's isosceles.

Ooh...

Isosceles.

You know, I love the name "isosceles."

If I had a kid,

I would name him Isosceles.

Isosceles Kramer.

Hey, you know what.

Maybe we should all chip in for the gift.

The chip-in!

Hey, pretty good idea. Yeah.

The chip-in! Definitely.

Let's go to that mall in Lynbrook

Let's go to that mall in Lynbrook

before we go to the party, but we'll have to take your car.

It's got the most room.

No, no, my car's not running.

What about your father's car?

No, no, no, out of the question. I was over there today.

He's got the good spot in front of the good building

in the good neighborhood.

I know he's not gonna want to move it.

Are you serious?

You don't know what that spot means to him.

Once he gets it, he doesn't go out for weeks.

How about this.

You put your car in the good spot.

That'll hold the good spot

in front of the good building,

and we can get the good car.

Good thinking.

Good to meet you.

ELAINE: So, what are we gonna get him?

ELAINE: So, what are we gonna get him?

JERRY: We can get him anything we want.

We're chipping in.

I like this area.

I could live out here.

Yeah, we ought to all get a house

and live together.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

I'll tell you what, chuckles,

I give you permission

to sublet my room right now.

GEORGE: Look at this.

There's no spaces here.

Excuse me, are you getting out?

MAN: No.

Why don't you take the handicapped spot?

You think?

No, no, we'll find a space.

There's spaces in the other lot.

Oh, I don't wanna walk that far.

No! What if a handicapped person needs it?

Oh, come on. They don't drive.

Oh, come on. They don't drive.

Yes, they do.

Have you ever seen a handicapped person

pull into a space and park?

Well, the space is there. They must drive.

No, they don't.

If they could drive, they wouldn't be handicapped.

So if you can drive, you're not handicapped?

We're not gonna be that long anyway.

We gotta get to the party.

I got news for you.

Handicapped people,

they don't even want to park there.

They want to be treated just like everybody else.

That's why those spaces are always empty.

He's right.

It's the same thing with the feminists.

You know, they want everything to be equal,

everything,

but when the check comes, where are they?

but when the check comes, where are they?

What does that mean?

[SCOFFS]

Yeah.

All right, I'm pulling in. Go ahead, George.

ELAINE: George!

GEORGE: Oh, come on.

It's five minutes.

Make sure that we don't forget

where the car is parked.

Don't worry about it.

[ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

Do you believe the deal we got on this?

A big-screen TV at that price.

What a sale, huh?

And how about that store, delivering it tonight?

We're gonna be swimming in thank-yous.

We're gonna be swimming in thank-yous.

What'd I get the veggie burger for?

You got a veggie burger,

so I had to get a veggie burger.

It's like eating a loaf of crumbs.

No one's gonna have a better gift

than this big-screen TV.

Good for them.

Love the Drake. Yeah.

Got to love the Drake!

[SIRENS WAILING, POLICE RADIO CHATTER]

Hey, what's going on over here?

ELAINE: There must've been an accident.

Hey, what's going on?

Some jerk parked in the handicapped spot,

so this woman in a wheelchair had to wheel up this incline,

so this woman in a wheelchair had to wheel up this incline,

and, halfway up, her batteries gave out,

and she rolled backwards into the wall.

Had to take her to St. Elizabeth's.

Is she okay?

I don't know. We're just waiting here

for the owner of this car to show up.

He may not get out alive.

Lazy bum, taking up a handicapped spot.

He's gonna pay.

Sons of bitches!

Well, good luck finding them--

Him, whatever.

I'd like to stick around

and get my hands on him myself,

but I got to take off.

We're gonna get you, you coward!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

How are we going to get outta here?

They'll kill us.

Are you happy? Are you happy now?

How long you think these people

are gonna be here? I don't know.

What about the party? What about the Drake?

Screw the Drake. I love the Drake.

Let's just take a bus back

into the city.

I can't leave the car here.

Why not?

It's my father's car.

Let's smash it!

ALL: Yeah!

Hey, hey, leave this car alone!

All right. Let's get outta here.

We gotta figure something out.

What are we gonna do? How are we gonna get out of here?

Even if we go back by the car, and they're not there,

Even if we go back by the car, and they're not there,

how do we know they're not all hiding, waiting for us?

They have to give up sometime. They can't stay all night.

What are we, John Dillinger?

I mean, how did this get to be

the crime of the century?

It's not like we stuck a broomstick in her spokes,

and she went flying.

What I don't get is,

just because the batteries went dead,

you'd think she'd be able

to roll it up the hill with her hands.

You'd think.

I mean, batteries have gone dead before.

Aren't they prepared for that?

You know, most of them don't even have batteries.

It must have been one of those rich,

spoiled, handicapped people

who didn't want to do any work.

who didn't want to do any work.

Just wanted to sit in her wheelchair

and take it easy. Yeah.

Well, I'm sorry.

Our big-screen TV is probably arriving

just about now.

How are we gonna get out of here? We need a plan.

I got it. We'll give the keys to Elaine.

Me?

Yeah, you're a woman. Men won't hit a woman.

Oh, they won't?

Not if they don't know you.

I'm not going for this.

Kramer should go, you know? It was all his idea.

No chance in hell.

What if we created some sort of a diversion?

What if we went over by the car,

What if we went over by the car,

and we just started screaming, "Hey, there he is!

"There's the guy that took the handicapped spot,"

and then, when they all run in the other direction,

we'll jump in the car. Oh, that's good

Let's give it a try. That's good.

If that doesn't work, we'll give them Kramer.

Huh?

GEORGE: My God.

GEORGE: My God.

[WHIMPERING]

You know, a lot of these scratches

will buff right out.

Eight years I had that car.

Not a scratch on it.

Eight years!

Two crack.

Two crack.

Three dot.

A beautiful Mercury.

I special-ordered that bench seat.

Dad, this other car cut us off.

They had swastikas all over it.

They-- They were hurling racial epithets at us.

I could have been killed.

I told you not to give it to him.

Three crack.

Four bam.

Soap.

You know, my insurance doesn't even cover this.

The whole thing is a total loss.

Frank, the important thing is he didn't get hurt.

No, it isn't!

So, what are you doing now, Georgie?

North.

I'm writing a pilot for NBC.

Where the hell's my paper?

You're writing a pilot?

With his friend Jerry Seinfeld,

the comedian.

So, what's it about?

Well, Jerry's car gets hit,

and the other driver

doesn't have any insurance,

so the judge sentences him

to be Jerry's butler.

It's the same situation. Exactly the same.

Frank, maybe you ought to make him your butler.

WOMAN: That is funny.

Flower.

Every time you're with that Kramer,

Every time you're with that Kramer,

something happens.

He's a real troublemaker.

He didn't have anything to do with it.

He's altogether crazy, that one,

and Jerry, I used to think, was nice.

I don't know what happened to him.

Nine bam.

One dot.

Two crack.

Three bam.

Mah Jongg.

So it was a good party, huh?

Oh, you're welcome. You're welcome.

They loved the TV, loved it.

Yeah.

Wait a second, I'll ask her. That's a great idea.

Wait a second, I'll ask her. That's a great idea.

Drake wants to know if we wanna come to Mineola this afternoon

since we missed the party last night,

maybe get something to eat.

Sure. Sure.

Okay. Don't worry, I'm taking my car.

Okay, all right.

We'll see you later. Bye.

The Drake is great.

Hmm. He's so nice.

Man, I'm really happy for them.

Yeah... Well, I don't know if I'm happy for them.

I mean, I'm glad they're happy,

but frankly, it doesn't do anything for me.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

[LAUGHS]

Yes?

GEORGE: It's me.

Come on up.

Come on up.

Hey.

[SIGHS]

I just came from St. Elizabeth's.

St. Elizabeth's hospital? Why?

Well, the handicapped woman, I went to see her.

You went to see her? Yeah.

Wow. What happened?

I'm in love.

What?

Yeah, she is the most beautiful woman

I have ever seen.

I love her, Jerry. I mean, I really love her.

I'm gonna ask her to marry me.

She's got everything I've always wanted

in another human being,

except for the walking.

Oh, what's the difference? You don't go out that much.

Yeah.

Ah, I'm glad you're here.

Why?

All right, now, we gotta go out,

we gotta buy a wheelchair.

A wheelchair? What for?

Well, you know,

I went to the hospital today.

I saw the woman, and the wheelchair is totaled.

We gotta get her another one.

Doesn't she have collision?

George...

I'm in love with her.

Well-- Yeah.

Look, my father works for the United Volunteers.

Look, my father works for the United Volunteers.

Maybe he can get her one.

No. She needs it now.

Well, what about these two?

Aren't they gonna chip in?

Hey, we told you not to park there.

Can't we just fix the old one?

All right. All right.

Fine, George, don't chip in,

but someday we're gonna be driving along,

we're gonna look out the window,

see her crawling along Fifth Avenue.

Is that what you want?

All right, all right!

We'll buy a wheelchair.

Wheelchairs! Engagement presents!

It never ends!

This is our best model, the Cougar 9000.

It's the Rolls Royce of wheelchairs.

This is like...

you're almost glad to be handicapped.

So now, what's this got?

Inductive joy stick,

dynamic braking, flip-up arms.

It's fully loaded.

I put Steven Hawking in one of these two months ago.

He's loving it.

It's rated number one

by Hospital Supply and Prosthetic Magazine.

by Hospital Supply and Prosthetic Magazine.

How much?

$6200.

Do you have something a little more...

less expensive?

Hey, Drake!

How you doing?

Hi, Drake!

Hi, Allison.

Hey, there's the TV.

Elaine, look at this!

My God, this is fantastic!

So tell me, were you guys just blown away or what?

Oh, yeah, yeah. It's fantastic.

I am gonna make good use of this.

I am gonna make good use of this.

I'm watching every Super Bowl here,

every big fight.

Oh, man, there is nothing like a really big TV, huh?

So where we eating?

Well, actually, Jerry...

I'm really hungry.

We just broke up.

Oh.

When did this happen?

About 20 minutes ago.

[INHALING DEEPLY]

Hey, I am really sorry about this, guys.

Whew!

JERRY: Hell of a picture on this thing.

Oh, crystal clear.

[CHUCKLING]

They know how to make them.

[CRYING]

Hey, Drake?

Are there any good Italian restaurants around here?

Are there any good Italian restaurants around here?

Gagliano's.

That's pretty good.

[SOBBING]

Well, we should... Get moving.

Yeah. Yeah, let's go.

Hey, Drake, whatever happens,

I'm sure it'll be for the best.

Yeah, take it easy. Bye-bye, Allison.

[DRAKE SOBS]

Oh! The remote.

It's, um...

Okay, I'm just gonna...

I'm gonna put it on top of the television.

I'm just gonna--

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

All right.

This one's about 8 years old.

Not a scratch on it.

It was owned by some lady

who only used it to go

from the bathroom to the kitchen

to feed her cats.

But this will get you around?

Oh, sure. It just doesn't have any of the frills of the Cougar.

Like what?

For example, your tremor damping.

Now, what's that?

It helps to control the direction,

regardless of the operator's tremors or spasticity.

Well, is it all right if I try it?

Hop in.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

[LAUGHS]

I tell you...

[CRASH]

When I see someone

enjoying themselves like that...

It reminds me of why I got into this business

in the first place.

GEORGE: How much?

How about $240?

We'll take it. KRAMER: We'll take it.

Drake gave her the TV?

He have her all the gifts.

He felt guilty.

Well, she can't keep it. It's not fair.

That's our TV.

I know it is!

I know it is!

Boy, I'm really starting to dislike the Drake.

Hate the Drake.

Maybe the whole thing was a scam.

Anybody can just get engaged and get presents

and just keep them all.

Maybe they're on their way to Chicago tomorrow,

to do the whole thing all over again.

They don't know anybody in Chicago.

Don't worry, they'll make friends fast with that nice TV.

Hey.

Hey, guess what.

The Drake broke up.

The Drake broke up?

The Drake broke up?

That's fantastic!

Now we get the TV back,

help defray some of the cost of the wheelchair.

Yeah, I don't know about defraying.

Why?

We're not getting that TV.

What do you mean?

The engagement's off, we get the TV back.

That's business.

The Drakette took it.

She can't take it.

It's not hers. It's theirs.

Once there's no theirs, there's no hers.

It should be ours.

Well, she has it.

I told you the Drake was bad.

I hate the Drake.

I hate the Drake.

Maybe we should call her.

Oh, come on. Who's gonna call?

You are. What?

Why is it me who always has to do these things?

Because that's your thing.

What?

Calling people I hardly know

and demanding they return expensive gifts?

That's my thing?

Yeah, that's your thing.

All right. Give me the phone.

That's my thing.

You know, I'm thinking about getting a yo-yo.

Really?

Yeah.

I could see that.

Mm.

ALLISON: Hello?

Allison. Hi. This is Elaine.

I gave all the gifts to charity.

Oh. Okay.

Well, thanks a lot.

Sorry again, about you and the Drake.

I hate the Drake.

Everybody does.

Bye-bye.

She gave it to charity.

Charity? That's appalling.

Charity? That's appalling.

How could anybody be so selfish and inconsiderate?

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Hey. Well, I gave her the wheelchair.

You should've seen the look on her face.

And then she told me that the old wheelchair,

that wasn't any good anyway.

So you see, George, the whole incident

was a God-blessing.

Yeah.

You mean a blessing in disguise?

Yeah.

And I would also like to take this time

to personally thank our gracious host,

to personally thank our gracious host,

Frank Costanza,

who has earned the Silver Circle Award,

and is our unanimous choice for the United Volunteer

representative of the month.

Due to his tireless effort,

he has personally raised over $22,000,

and that's a lot of wheelchairs.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

On behalf of the United Volunteers

of Greater New York,

we thank you.

Oh, thank you very much.

Mr. Costanza?

Yes.

Yes.

You're under arrest.

Under arrest? What for?

Reckless endangerment of public safety

and violation of Traffic Code 342-A.

What's that?

Parking in a handicapped spot.

Let's go.

FRANK: George! George.

Your father got arrested?

For what?

Parking in a handicapped spot.

Right in the middle

of his United Volunteers meeting.

When he got back,

he chased after me with a baseball bat.

Holy.

Between the car being totaled,

the towing charge, and the fine,

there's no way I could ever pay him back.

So, what are you gonna do?

I agreed to become his butler.

What?

Yeesh.

[SIGHS]

What's the matter?

It's over.

What's over?

Me and Lola.

The woman we bought the wheelchair for?

The woman we bought the wheelchair for?

Yeah. She dumped me.

She dumped you?

She dumped me.

She rolled right over me!

Said I was a hipster-doofus.

Am I a hipster-doofus?

No.

No.

Said I'm not good-looking enough for her.

Not good-looking.

Jerry, look at me. Look at my face, huh?

Am I beautiful?

George, am I beautiful?

You're very attractive.

Yeah.

She says she doesn't want to see me again.

She says she doesn't want to see me again.

Told me to drop dead.

Drop dead?

Boy, even I never heard that one.

She's pretty rough.

Yes.

Well, we just blew 240 bucks

on a wheelchair.

240 bucks?

Well, it was slightly used.

Used?

[CHAIR RATTLING]

[WHEELS SQUEAKING]

[SCREAMING]

I don't think

you did such a good job on these.

you did such a good job on these.

[VACUUM WHIRS, SHUTS OFF]

What?

You're supposed to see your face there.

Do you see your face in there?

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Yeah?

Oh, really? Oh.

How about that.

Went right down a hill, huh?

Okay.

All right. Bye.

George, forget about the shoes.

George, forget about the shoes.

I want you to do something for me.

This handicapped woman had an accident.

Somebody gave her a used wheelchair

with defective brakes.

Sons of bitches.

[SIGHS]

Anyway, I want you to pick up this big-screen TV

and deliver it to her.

Big-screen TV.

You think you can handle it?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Yes?

Uh, hi. We're from the United Volunteers.

We've come to pick up the TV.

Oh, great. It's right over there.

Ooh, it's a big one.

Ooh, it's a big one.

GEORGE: Who's-- Who's got the receipt?

I do. All right.

Will they give us cash?

That's their policy.

I hate this mall.

There are never any spaces here.

Why don't you park in front of the hydrant?

What if there's a fire?

Now, what are the chances of that?

The handicapped parking spot

is the mirage of the parking desert.

Do you know that feeling?

You see it, there in the distance. It's almost--

And you can't believe your eyes. It's too good to be true.

It's a big, wide spot, right by the entrance.

Somehow, everybody missed it.

What is the handicapped parking situation

at the Special Olympics?

They must have to just stack,

They must have to just stack,

like, 100 cars into those two spots.

How else are they gonna do it?