Original subtitles

I am getting a little tired of pretending I'm excited

every time it's somebody's birthday.

You know what I mean?

What is the big deal?

How many times

do we have to celebrate that someone was born?

Every year. Over and over.

All you did was not die for 12 months.

That's all you've done, as far as I could tell.

Those astrology things,

where they tell you all the people

that have the same birthday as you...

It's always an odd group of people, too, isn't it?

It's like, Ed Asner, Elijah Mohammed,

and Secretariat.

I don't want to live.

I don't want to live!

Because of me?

You must be joking.

Who wouldn't want to live because of me?

I'm nothing.

No. You're something.

You can do better than me.

You could throw a dart out the window

and hit someone better than me.

I'm no good.

You're good.

You're good.

I'm bad, I'm bad.

You're killing me!

You're killing me!

So what could I do?

I couldn't go through with it.

She threatened to kill herself.

Over you?

Yes. Why? Is that so inconceivable?

Well...

JERRY: I'm trying to get reach with Sharon Leonard.

She works for the N.Y.U. paper.

This is Jerry Seinfeld.

She was supposed to meet me to do an interview.

Oh, what are you gonna get Jerry

for his birthday?

I got him a great gift.

Really? What?

I got two tickets to see Guys and Dolls.

Oh, that is a good gift.

Oh, that is a good gift.

Maybe he'll take me.

No. I'm going to go with him.

GEORGE: What did you get him?

I got him a two-line phone.

Yeah, that's good.

Unbelievable.

She's not there.

What paper does she write for?

She works for the N.Y.U. school newspaper.

She's a grad student in journalism.

Never been to a comedy club.

Never even seen me. No idea who I am.

Never even seen you?

Got to kind of envy that.

You know, you've been developing

quite the acid tongue lately.

Really?

Hey, who do you think

is the most unattractive world leader?

Living or all-time?

All-time.

Well, if it's all-time, then there's no contest.

It begins and ends with Brezhnev.

I don't know.

You ever get a good look at De Gaulle?

Lyndon Johnson was uglier than De Gaulle.

I got news for you.

Golda Meir could make them all run up a tree.

Golda Meir. Good one.

[SOFTLY] Hey. Come here. Come here.

[SOFTLY] Hey. Come here. Come here.

Those two girls behind you--

They're eavesdropping on us.

Really?

You know, uh,

just because you two are homosexuals, so what?

ELAINE: You should just come out of the closet

and be openly gay already.

So what do you say?

You know you'll always be

the only man I'll ever love.

What's the matter with you?

Come on,

go along.

go along.

I'm not going along.

I could just see you in Berlin in 1939,

goose-stepping past me.

"Come on, Jerry. Go along, go along."

You're no fun.

You know, I hear that all the time.

Hear what? That I'm gay. People think I'm gay.

Yeah, people ask me that about you too.

Yeah, because I'm single, I'm thin and I'm neat.

And you get along well with women.

I guess that leaves me in the clear.

Hi, Jerry, it's Sharon Leonard from the N.Y.U. paper.

I'm here at the coffee shop, and I was a little late.

I'm here at the coffee shop, and I was a little late.

I guess we must have missed each other.

I'm going to the bathroom.

Yeah. Me, too.

SHARON: I'll be here a little while longer,

and I'll try to hook up with you later.

Hey.

Hey.

I just thought of a great name for myself

if I ever become a porno actor.

Oh, yeah, what?

Buck Naked?

Yeah. How did you know that?

You told me that already, like, two months ago.

Let me ask you something.

What do you think of this shirt?

Well...

Uh...

Allison bought it for me.

How are you going to get out of that one?

I don't know.

I guess I have to wait for her to die.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Yeah? [OVER INTERCOM] It's Sharon from N.Y.U.

Come on up.

Who's that?

Oh, that's that reporter from N.Y.U.

She's finally going to do the interview.

I told her to come up here so we wouldn't miss each other.

Uh, do you want me to stay, or--

Sure. I don't care.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Hi.

Hi. I'm--I'm Sharon.

Hi. I'm Jerry.

Something the matter?

No, no, no, nothing.

You look familiar. Have we ever met?

I'm--I'm not sure. Have we?

You look familiar.

You look familiar.

Why don't we do this over here?

This is George.

Oh, hi.

Nice to meet you.

He's going to hang around,

if that's all right with you.

Sure. I'd like to talk to him, too.

Oh.

Really?

Okay.

Well... Okay, here we go.

GEORGE: Uh-oh.

Oh, is that a problem?

No. I just hate my voice on tape.

It always sounds so high and whiny.

Shall we start?

Fire away. Okay, let's see.

Um, are you just a comedian,

or do you do anything else?

Uh, well, right now, George and I

are writing a pilot for N.B.C.

Oh, so you also work together?

Yeah.

Jerry, did you wash this pear?

Yeah, I washed it.

It looks like it hasn't been washed.

So wash it.

You hear the way he talks to me?

You should hear how my boyfriend talks to me.

You should hear how my boyfriend talks to me.

What?

GEORGE: Let me, uh--

Let me ask you something.

What do you think of this shirt?

It's nice.

Jerry said he didn't like it.

I didn't say I didn't like it.

I said it was okay.

Oh, you said you didn't like it.

Oh, well, so what if I don't like it?

Is that, like, the end of the world or something?

So how did you two meet?

Oh, actually, we met in the gym locker room.

Yeah.

Actually, it was in gym class.

I was trying to climb the ropes,

I was trying to climb the ropes,

and Jerry was spotting me,

and, uh,

I kept slipping and burning my thighs,

and then, finally,

I slipped and I fell on Jerry's head.

We've been close ever since.

Do you guys live together?

Live together?

No. I got my own place.

Oh, and do your parents know?

Know what?

My parents?

They don't know what's going on.

Oh, God. You're that girl in the coffee shop

Oh, God. You're that girl in the coffee shop

that was eavesdropping on us.

I knew you looked familiar.

Oh, no! No!

I, uh, better get going.

There's been a big misunderstanding here.

We did that whole thing for your benefit.

We knew you were eavesdropping.

That's why my friend said all that.

It was on purpose.

We're not gay.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

No, of course not.

I mean, it's fine if that's who you are.

Absolutely. I mean, I have many gay friends.

My father's gay.

Look, I--

I know what I heard.

Heard? It was a joke.

All right, look. Do you wanna have sex right now?

Do you wanna have sex with me right now? Let's go!

Do you wanna have sex with me right now? Let's go!

Come on, let's go, baby!

Come on!

Hey, come on, let's go.

I thought we were going to take a steam.

No steam. No, I don't wanna steam.

No steam.

Well, I don't wanna sit there naked all by myself.

You know, the whole thing is your fault.

You want me to talk to her?

I'd be perfectly willing to talk to her.

I don't think so.

Because you know me.

I walk into a room, problem's solved.

She says she's gonna think about it.

She says she's gonna think about it.

Well, so what? Even if it does come out,

it'll just be in an N.Y.U. paper.

Why don't you take your jacket off?

Nah. I'm okay.

I'm gonna try her again.

Happy birthday! "Faruba!"

Today's not my birthday.

Well, I beg to differ.

Well, I think I know when my birthday is.

Yeah, well, you'd think so, but you'd be wrong.

Maybe he's right. Maybe it is my birthday.

Would you take the jacket off?

Leave me alone.

Get off my back about the jacket.

Oh, look at this, a phone!

Yeah.

A two-line phone!

That's terrific. Yeah.

Thanks a lot.

Now when someone's talking, I can still make a call.

Look, Elaine, a two-line phone.

Yeah. I see it.

I'm going to get one myself.

JERRY: Where are you going?

I got to go return something.

I got a dial tone.

Okay, this is the maiden call. Yeah.

Okay, this is the maiden call. Yeah.

Oh, wait. I want to get the first call, all right?

All right, go to your house. I'll call you.

Ha, ha!

[RINGING TONE]

KRAMER: Hello.

Hello. Hey, it's working.

This is great. Thanks a lot.

Happy birthday, buddy.

Oh, wait, I got a call on the other line.

Okay, later.

All right, I'll talk to you later.

Hello?

Jerry, it's Sharon from N.Y.U.

Oh, hi.

I was just calling to tell you

I won't play up that angle we talked about on the story.

I won't play up that angle we talked about on the story.

Oh, thank you very much. That's great.

[TELEPHONE CLICKS]

Hold on a second. I got a call on the other line.

Hello?

GEORGE: Hey.

Hey, how you doing?

You know, I got that reporter from the newspaper

on the other line.

So what did she say?

She said she's not going to play up that angle on the story.

She thinks we're heterosexual.

I guess we fooled her. Yeah.

All right, I'll get rid of her. Hold on.

Sharon?

Hello?

Sharon, are you there?

I'm back.

GEORGE: You know,

GEORGE: You know,

I could hear you on the other line.

What are you talking about?

I heard what you said: "Sharon, are you there?"

You heard me talking on the other line?

Are you sure?

Yes, I heard you.

Well, maybe she was disconnected.

Maybe she wasn't.

Maybe she heard the whole conversation.

All right, hang on. Let me call Kramer,

and see if you can hear anything.

Hold on.

Hold on.

[RINGING TONE]

KRAMER: Hello.

Kramer, there may be a problem with the phone. Hold on.

GEORGE: There may be a problem with the phone. Hold on.

Oh, no!

Kramer, this phone's a piece of junk. Goodbye.

GEORGE: This phone's a piece of junk! Goodbye!

Oh, no! Now she's heard everything!

What are we gonna do?

Now she thinks we're gay.

Not that there's anything wrong with it.

No, no, of course not.

People's personal sexual preferences

are nobody's business but their own!

Hi. Hi.

Elaine, right? Yeah.

Nice to meet you.

Thanks for meeting with me.

Sure. Would you like to take a seat?

Sure. Thank you.

Why don't you take your coat off?

ELAINE: So she kept insisting I take off my coat.

I refused,

and then she forcibly tried to get me to remove it.

She didn't take her coat off in my house either.

You know, there are tribes in Indonesia

where, if you keep your coat on in somebody's house,

the families go to war.

Oh, give me a break.

Oh, give me a break.

So you don't take your coat off,

and now everyone at N.Y.U. thinks I'm gay.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Not at all.

Take that coat off!

Take it off! Get it off!

[CLAMORING]

Anyway, when are we going to see it?

I'd like to read the article.

They're sending it to me.

All right. Well, here you go.

Happy birthday.

Thank you.

Two tickets to Guys and Dolls.

I'm going to go with you.

I'm going to go with you.

Guys and Dolls?

Isn't that a lavish Broadway musical?

It's Guys and Dolls,

not Guys and Guys.

Yeah, you're right.

Guys and Dolls.

Thanks, thanks very much.

All right.

All right, well...

Happy birthday.

Oh, Lainey!

The Collected Works of Bette Midler.

The Collected Works of Bette Midler.

What? I--

I thought you liked Bette Midler.

Well, she's all right.

You said you liked her.

Well, so what? Maybe I do like her.

So what? So nothing.

Well, thanks for the CDs.

Yeah. You're welcome.

Why are those two people

pointing at you over there?

I don't know.

What do you got there?

Oh, the New York Post.

They've got an article about you.

"Although they maintain separate residences,

"the comedian and his longtime companion

seem to be inseparable."

Oh, no. The Associated Press picked up the N.Y.U. story.

That's going to be in every paper.

I've been outed! I wasn't even in!

Now everyone's going to think we're gay!

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

No, not at all.

"Within the confines

"of his fastidious bachelor pad,

"Seinfeld and Costanza bicker

"over the cleanliness of a piece of fruit

like an old married couple."

I told you that pear was washed!

[SIGHS]

I thought we were friends.

Here we go.

How could you two keep this a secret from me?

How could you two keep this a secret from me?

It's not true.

Ah! Enough lying.

The lying is through.

Come on, Jerry. The masquerade is over.

You're thin, late 30s, single.

So are you.

Yeah.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello.

OLD WOMAN: George?

Mrs. Seinfeld?

Mrs. Seinfeld?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Ma?

Jerry? Ma!

Oh, my God!

My mother!

Jerry...

Ma, it's not true.

It's those damn culottes

you made him wear when he was 5.

MRS. SEINFELD: They weren't culottes,

they were shorts.

MR. SEINFELD: They were culottes!

You bought them in the girls' department.

By mistake.

By mistake, Jerry. I'm sorry.

By mistake, Jerry. I'm sorry.

It looked like he was wearing a skirt,

for crying out loud.

Ma, it has nothing to do with the culottes.

Not that there's anything wrong

with that, Jerry.

I open up the paper,

and this is what I have to read about?

I fell right off the toilet.

My back went out again.

I couldn't move.

The super had to come and help me up.

I was half-naked!

It's not true.

Every day it's something else with you.

Every day it's something else with you.

I don't know anything about you anymore.

Who are you?

What kind of life are you leading?

Who knows what you're doing?

Maybe you're making porno films.

Yeah.

I'm Buck Naked.

Who?

Buck Naked?

Jerry, I can see.

He's so neat and thin.

Not that there's anything wrong with it.

Of course not.

6:30, Scott.

6:30, Scott.

Time for your sponge bath.

SCOTT: Oh, 6:30 already?

I fell asleep.

NURSE: Let me help you off with that.

Here, I'll just slip it over your head.

All right.

NURSE: Water's nice and warm, isn't it?

SCOTT: Oh... that feels really good.

George, are you telling me the truth?

George,

George,

I'm talking to you!

Hey, you'll never guess

who left a message on my machine.

That reporter from N.Y.U.

I wonder what she wants.

GEORGE: All right.

Now the play is tomorrow night.

Would you like to have dinner first, or just meet there?

Excuse me, sir.

I'm sorry to bother you.

I want you to know it took guts to come out how you did,

and that you've inspired me to do the same,

even though that may mean a discharge from the service.

even though that may mean a discharge from the service.

Thanks.

You know, I think I'll pass on the Guys and Dolls.

GEORGE: All right, fine. Don't go.

I try and go out

and do something special for your birthday,

and this is the thanks I get!

Everything's tainted now.

Would you keep your voice down?

No, I will not keep my voice down!

Nothing can make me keep my voice down!

Nothing can make me keep my voice down!

If you boys...

cannot control yourselves...

Then I'm afraid

I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

[WHISPERING] Fine, I'll take Elaine.

Yes!

Just don't say anything to Allison.

No, I won't.

Did she see the article?

No. I can just imagine her reaction.

Yeah.

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

What?

She hasn't seen the article.

When she sees it, she's going to think...

I'm out, baby! I'm out!

Yeah? So?

Yeah? So?

Well, this is nice.

They mention your name.

Don't you see what it says here?

Don't you understand what that's implying?

No. What?

I'm gay!

I'm gay!

I'm a gay man!

I'm very, very gay.

You're gay?

Extraordinarily gay.

Steeped in gayness.

I don't believe it.

All right.

You don't believe me? Ask Jerry.

I will.

What do you mean, you will?

No, no, no, no. That's a bad idea.

Jerry's a very private person.

I want to hear it from Jerry.

Oh, can you ever forgive me?

I don't know.

All right, I forgive you.

Mm.

You know, the funny thing is,

I was attracted to you immediately.

I was attracted to you too.

You remind me of Lois Lane.

Jerry, oh my God! What are you doing?

What?

You're with a woman!

I know. What are you doing here?

I leave you alone for two seconds,

and this is what you do?

I trusted you!

Would you get the hell out of here?

What's going on?

Yeah. What's going on?

All right, tell her. Go ahead.

All right, tell her. Go ahead.

Tell her what?

You know, about us. Are you crazy?

Tell her, Jerry. Tell her.

I'm not telling her nothing!

Do you have any idea what you're saying?

This is too weird. Wait a minute!

Wait a minute, wait a minute!

You wrote the article. Go ahead, tell her.

I'm out of here.

It's not true!

It's not true!

Not that there's anything wrong with that!

You stupid idiot!

Oh, please, don't be upset.

Oh, would you stop it with that stuff?

What's going on?

All right, I'll tell you the truth.

All right, I'll tell you the truth.

I'm not gay.

My name's Buck Naked.

I'm a porno actor.

Really? Oh, my God.

Hey. How you doing?

Hey. How you doing?

Hello.

Hi. Hi.

How are you? How are you?

All right, we'll see you later.

He's the phone man.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

I am not gay.

I am, however, thin, single and neat.

Sometimes if someone's thin, single and neat,

people assume they are gay, because that is the stereotype.

You normally don't think of gay people

as fat, sloppy and married.

Although I'm sure there are.

I don't want to perpetuate the stereotype.

I'm sure they're the minority, though,

within the gay community.

Probably discriminated against.

Because of that, people say to them,

"You know, Joe, I enjoy being gay with you,

"but it's about time, you know, you got in shape,

tucked your shirt in, and lost the wife."

tucked your shirt in, and lost the wife."

But if people are going to assume

that people that are neat are gay,

maybe instead of doing this:

"You know, I think Joe might be a little..."

They should vacuum.

"You know, I think Joe might be..."

[IMITATES VACUUM]

Yeah.

"I got a feeling he's a little..."

[IMITATES VACUUM]