Original subtitles

The basic problem

with the beginning of the relationship, I think,

is that each person has their own sexual timetable

of what should happen when

that the other person knows nothing about.

That's why I really think

we need some sort of sexual rule book,

where it's written down and agreed upon,

sexual standard dating procedure.

You know what I mean?

So if there's any problems, you can go,

"Look, honey, I'm very sorry, but we've been out three times,

"and according to Article 7, Section 5,

"there's got to be some physical contact,

"there's got to be some physical contact,

"as you can see, right there.

"Otherwise, I will report you to the board,

and they can put out a warrant for an embrace."

Wait a second, wait a second.

And then-- And then the butler says,

"I'm not cleaning it up!

I'm sick of cleaning!"

That's funny. That's funny.

"I'm sick of cleaning," that's very funny.

I've never seen a pilot script as funny as this.

Yeah. It's funny!

I mean, how funny is this?

It's funny.

I mean, we're not stupid, right?

We know when something's funny.

It cannot not be funny.

Now, come on, let's stay with it.

We gotta finish this today.

Okay. Hey, you know,

maybe I should give it to my therapist to read.

She's smart. I trust her.

She's smart. I trust her.

Yeah, maybe I'll give it to Elaine.

Hey, you know, we haven't brought

the Elaine character into the show yet.

We should try and get her into this scene.

Right. Right. Okay.

"Elaine...enters."

Right.

What does she say?

I don't know. What do women say?

I don't know.

I don't even know what they think.

That's why I'm in therapy.

If we bring Elaine in,

there's gonna be so many people to keep track of.

there's gonna be so many people to keep track of.

It's gonna be too hard.

I forget where everybody's standing.

You, me, Kramer, the butler. It's too much.

All right, forget Elaine.

All right.

Hey.

Hey. Hey.

You are never gonna believe who I just ran into today.

Who? Your old flame,

Gail Cunningham.

Did you talk to her?

Well, I was on my way to the Y,

I saw her coming towards me.

I didn't know what to do,

because I remember you had three dates with her

and she wouldn't kiss you good night.

So now I'm thinking, you know, what is my duty to my friend?

Do I acknowledge her?

Do I ignore her? What is my responsibility?

Well, so, what happened?

Yeah, you know, she sees me and she goes,

[SQUEALING] "Ooh, hi, Kramer!"

You know? Like nothing happened!

Like she never, you know, went three dates with you,

and refused to kiss you good night.

I know about the three dates.

So you know what I did?

I snubbed her.

What do you mean, you snubbed her?

I walked right by her, vfft!

Never said a word.

Right by her?

Right by her!

Right by her!

What do you say about a guy like this?

Huh? Yeah.

You are some great friend, I'll tell you.

Snubbed her. Not that I condone it.

I've never condoned snubbing in my administration,

but your loyalty is beyond question.

Yeah, well, you know, she's lucky

I was in a good mood.

Could've been a lot worse.

I'm not even in here.

Yeah. I know.

Well, I thought there was gonna be

a character named Elaine Benes.

Well, there were too many people in the room.

Well, there were too many people in the room.

We couldn't keep track of everybody.

George and the the butler...

You "couldn't keep track of everybody"?

Well, we tried. We-- We couldn't.

We didn't know how to...

We couldn't write for a woman.

We didn't know what you would say.

Even right now, I'm sitting here,

I know you're gonna say something.

I have no idea what it is.

You "have no idea"?

Something derogatory?

Ah ha ha. I thought I'd find you here.

Well, Gail Cunningham!

Hi, Gail.

Hi, Elaine. Nice to see you.

Hi, Elaine. Nice to see you.

Hey, what is with your friend Kramer?

Why? He snubbed me.

Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm sure. What did you tell him?

Nothing.

Hey, where are you going with that?

Gimme that. Well, I thought you were finished.

I took two bites. How am I finished?

[COUGHING] Plus, you're coming down with something.

You want me to get sick?

Bite?

So I want to know, why did Kramer do that?

Once he leaves the building, he's out of my jurisdiction.

Well, tell him that I am mad at him.

All right. So where are you cooking now?

Pfeiffer's.

Oh, the power-lunch crowd.

Nice shoes.

Nice shoes.

Oh...

Thank you.

Where'd you get them?

They're, um, Botticelli's.

Ooh! Botticelli's!

Look at you.

I'm afraid to go in there.

Really? Yeah.

Would you care to join us?

No, no, I got to get to the restaurant. Oh!

See ya. See ya.

[GOOFILY] "Ooh! Look at you.

Botticelli's."

That bothered you?

Yes, it bothered me.

So I bought a pair of shoes at Botticelli's?

So I bought a pair of shoes at Botticelli's?

I'm not allowed to shop there?

That really embarrassed me.

It did?

Yes!

Couldn't you see that?

No.

This is why you're not in the pilot.

Well, George, I think you're beginning

to get some perspective on things.

I think we're making progress.

Yeah. I feel like I've grown.

Good. So let's pick up on this next week.

Great.

Oh, by the way,

Oh, by the way,

did you get a chance to read the script?

Yes. Yes, I did.

Well, what'd you think?

Uh, it was...good.

You...

You didn't like it?

Well, no...

I-I-I can't believe this!

What was wrong with it? What didn't you like about it?

It wasn't funny.

"It wasn't funny"?

What, are you kidding?

No. I didn't find it funny.

You "didn't find it funny"?

You "didn't find it funny"?

This is what I'm paying for?

Well, that whole story line

about a guy who gets into a car accident,

doesn't have any insurance,

so the judge sentences him to be a butler?

I didn't really buy that.

Let me-- Let me tell you who did, uh, buy it.

We pitched this story to Russell Dalrymple,

the president of NBC,

and he ate it up with a spoon.

George, if you're going to be in a creative field,

you're gonna have to learn how to deal with criticism.

How's this for criticism?

Um...

Um...

You stink. How do you like that criticism?

You know what's funny to me?

That diploma up on the wall.

That is my idea of co-me-dy:

you sitting here, telling people what to do.

I think you better go.

Oh, I'm going, baby. I'm going.

It's Jerry's fault.

He took out all my good lines.

He's such a control freak!

So you send me to this therapist

So you send me to this therapist

to help me with my emotional disorders,

and she criticizes our script.

What kind of a therapist is that?

Well, I guess she didn't think it was funny.

Oh, "she didn't think it was funny"?

What is she, Rowan and Martin?

We're supposed to meet with NBC tomorrow.

She completely shattered my confidence.

I'm paying for this. She's my employee.

I thought your mother's paying for it.

And she slaves to earn every penny,

so that some day I might be able to walk up to a woman,

and say, "Yes, I'm bald, but I'm still a good person."

and say, "Yes, I'm bald, but I'm still a good person."

You know, he's right.

It's not her place to criticize the script,

which reminds me, what did you think of it?

You never told me.

What did I think of it? Yeah.

[COUGHING]

Hey, buddy, I got something to tell you.

Now, one second. Hold on! You can't get off that easy.

Tell me what you thought.

Well, you know, Jerry, I--

I just kissed Gail Cunningham. Ooh!

You what?

Yeah, I kissed her.

You kissed her?

Right on the mouth.

Right on the mouth.

What kind of great friend are you?

How do you go from snubbing to kissing?

Well, you know, I saw her outside the Y, you know.

She came up to me, she started yelling, you know,

because I snubbed her. And, uh, then, uh, you know,

we started talking a little bit,

and I-- I walked her to her building,

and just before I left,

I put my arm around her waist,

I pulled her to me, and I-- I planted one.

And what did she do?

She kissed me back.

I don't get this.

I go out with this girl three times,

she doesn't want to shake my hand,

she doesn't want to shake my hand,

why is she kissing you? Well...

Because I snubbed her.

You see? Women, they like that.

Yes! I understand women.

The snub is good.

They love the snub.

No, they don't.

I tried that once.

I snubbed for a year. Nothing.

Every woman I saw, I snubbed.

You never saw people so pleased.

Ooh. So...

I understand you're buying your shoes now at Botticelli's.

What?

Who told you that?

Who told you that?

Gail Cunningham.

I-- I don't understand.

Why is this woman talking about my shoes?

Why are my shoes a topic of conversation?

Well, you know, we were just talking,

and she mentioned how you're buying your shoes now

at Botticelli's.

"How I'm buying my shoes now at Botticelli's".

Did you hear this?

So what?

"So what?"

She is talking about my shoes!

She is discussing my shoes!

It is nobody's business where I buy my shoes!

It is nobody's business where I buy my shoes!

Hey! Gail!

Yup.

Elaine!

Why are you talking about my shoes?

What? My Botticelli shoes.

You've been talking about my Botticelli shoes.

What are you talking about?

Did you or did you not tell Kramer

that I got my shoes at Botticelli's?

It's too spicy. He wants another one.

It's too spicy. He wants another one.

You got that pasta primavera?

Look, Elaine, I am very busy here.

Who else have you mentioned my shoes to, huh?

I wanna know why my footwear is your conversation?

I am not discussing this. This is insane.

You got that pasta primavera? Let's go!

Here. [SNEEZES]

Here you are, Mr. Dalrymple.

Sorry for the delay.

Enjoy your lunch.

Well, come in.

Hi. Hi. Hi.

Awfully sorry to make you come up here,

but I really wasn't feeling well enough

to go back to the office,

and, well, it's the only chance I have

to meet with you this week.

Are you all right?

Well, it's my stomach.

I think there must have been something

in the pasta primavera I had for lunch.

Ah. Ah. Where did you eat?

Pfeiffer's.

Oh...

I know the chef there.

Yeah, food's usually terrific.

My cousin works for Bouchard's.

They used to use the bouillabaisse

for a toilet.

What are you saying?

What are you saying?

Well, you didn't hear it from me,

but needless to say,

if you go in there, stick with the consommé.

We'd better get started.

My daughter's gonna be here soon.

Oh, you have a daughter.

Yeah, she just turned 15 last week.

Oh, that's a fun age.

Yeah.

All right.

The script.

Now, I've read this thing three times...

And every time I read it...

What?

What?

Excuse me for a second.

What?

Would you like a Pepto-Bismol?

I keep them in my wallet.

You think he liked it?

[RETCHES]

I'm not sure.

[RETCHING]

[COUGHING]

What was that dish he said he--?

Pasta primavera. Yeah.

Pasta primavera. Yeah.

You know, "primavera" is Italian for "spring".

No.

Yeah.

I really-- I'm terribly sorry. It's just, uh...

All of a sudden, it just hit me.

So, uh, you were saying, um...

about the script.

Right. The script.

Your script needs, um...

It needs, um...

More jokes?

Another ending?

A different name for the butler?

A different name for the butler?

[RETCHES]

[COUGHING]

Maybe we should go.

We haven't had his notes yet.

We don't know how he feels about our work.

[RETCHES]

Oh, no! Oh, God...

Oh, my God.

I can't listen to any more of this.

The guy's losing a lung in there.

Hello.

Hi. Hi.

I'm Molly.

I'm Jerry.

Uh, George.

We're here discussing our script with your father.

He just read it.

[RETCHES]

Daddy, are you okay?

Yeah. Yeah, sweetie, I--

I'm fine.

[GROANS]

So you live with your mother, huh?

Uh, yeah.

Divorce is very difficult, especially on the kid.

Of course, I'm the result

of my parents having stayed together,

so you never know.

so you never know.

It's a crapshoot.

Dad, are you all right? What's the matter?

It's just a stomach thing.

Yuck...

Well, we're gonna have to do this some other time.

So if you give me your number, I'll call you later.

Suddenly, I'm in the mood for pasta primavera myself.

Get a good look, Costanza?

Get a good look, Costanza?

What were you doing?

Well, it's not my fault.

You poked me.

You're supposed to just take a peek after a poke.

You were like you'd just put a quarter

in those big metal things

on top of the Empire State Building.

It was cleavage. I couldn't look away.

What am I, waiting to win an Oscar here?

This is all I have in my life.

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the Sun.

You don't stare at it.

It's too risky.

It's too risky.

You get a sense of it, then you look away.

All right.

So he caught me in a cleavage peek.

So big deal.

Who wouldn't look at his daughter's cleavage?

She's got nice cleavage.

That's why I poked. That's why I peeked.

Oh, hi.

Hey! What is with your friend, Elaine?

What?

She comes to my restaurant, comes right in my kitchen,

and starts complaining

that I'm talking about her shoes.

She did? Yeah, right in the kitchen.

Disgraceful.

Well, I don't like people coming into my kitchen.

I think she might've sneezed

I think she might've sneezed

all over someone's pasta primavera.

Someone might have gotten sick because of her.

Yeah...

Pasta primavera?

Is that what she said?

Hey, she's something, huh?

She's a wild one. She's wearing me out.

She is?

She's real sensual.

You know, with the cooking and all.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello.

Oh, hi, Stu.

From NBC?

Yeah.

What's going on?

What? Really?

Oh, my God.

Did he give you a reason?

Oh, boy.

Okay.

All right. Thanks.

Dalrymple just canceled the pilot.

JERRY: If you hadn't gone to her restaurant,

This whole thing wouldn't have happened.

Look, I don't like people talking about my shoes

behind my back, okay?

My shoes are my business.

The two of you shouldn't have been looking

at some 15-year-old's cleavage anyway.

He poked me!

There was cleavage in the area!

That's a reflex.

Cleavage, poke. Cleavage, poke.

But she was 15!

You don't consider age in the face of cleavage.

This occurs on a molecular level.

You can't control it.

We're like some kind of weird fish,

We're like some kind of weird fish,

where the eyes operate independently of the head.

All right, what's the difference?

What are we gonna do now?

He won't take our calls. We can't get into his office.

You know what we could do?

He eats at that restaurant Pfeiffer's.

We could have Gail call the next time he's there,

go and talk to him.

Yeah, now you're on to something.

You know, the whole thing is so stupid.

Like he wouldn't do the same thing

if Elaine walked by in a low-cut dress. Yeah.

Well, maybe not Elaine. No.

No...

Somebody like Gail, though. Yeah.

What?

What do you mean, Gail?

What?

Hey-hey. Hey. Kramer, listen.

Hey-hey. Hey. Kramer, listen.

I want you to ask Gail to do me a favor.

The next time Russell Dalrymple comes in the restaurant,

ask her if she would call me.

Right. I'll call her right now.

Okay.

What do you mean, Gail?

You don't think I can attract attention?

You don't think I could put asses in the seats?

Look, sweetheart, you know you've got it all.

But let's face it.

All right, she said she'll do it.

All right. Great. Great! Beautiful.

But she wants the shoes.

What? Yep.

What? Yep.

She says she wants those shoes.

She wants my shoes!

What kind of person is this?

All right, she's not getting them!

No, come on, I'll buy you another pair.

No, these are the last pair of these that they had.

I'll get you another one just like it!

These were the only really cool ones like this.

Don't you see how everybody likes them

and everybody talks about them?

Elaine...

...this pilot,

it doesn't matter to me. It's not me I'm concerned about.

it doesn't matter to me. It's not me I'm concerned about.

It's my mother.

She's already been in the hospital this year.

Oh, yeah, because she caught you jer--

Never mind!

Oh, come on, wait a second. This whole thing is ridiculous.

How does she even know she wears the same size?

All right, what size are you?

Seven and a half.

Eh! Bingo.

Sauce this.

Yeah, he's here.

Oh, and one more thing:

Bring the shoes.

Ah-- Hey! Oh!

Oh! Lookee! Ho!

Fancy meeting you here. Ha-ha!

Oh, hello.

Pasta primavera.

Back on the horse.

You know, it's a funny thing,

because after the pilot got canceled,

we hadn't heard from you.

We didn't hear anything. Didn't know.

We're wondering. What happened?

Well, it just didn't seem to be the right project

for us right now.

So, what were you saying?

Oh, uh-- The-- Yeah, t-the show.

Because if it had anything at all

to do with what you perceived as me

to do with what you perceived as me

leering at your daughter,

I really have to take issue with that.

I did not leer.

Did I leer? No leer.

ELAINE: Uh...

Excuse me, um...

[CLEARS THROAT]

Are you using that ketchup?

Uh, no.

Because if I'm-- If I'm looking straight ahead,

and something enters my field of vision,

that's merely a happenstance.

Look...

under the circumstances, I don't really feel

under the circumstances, I don't really feel

that we should be in business together.

Here's your ketchup back.

You know, I have the hardest time

trying to get some out. I mean, I just kept..

pounding and pounding on the bottom of it.

Do you ever have any trouble?

No.

Do you have a...

[SENSUALLY] ketchup secret?

No...

...don't have a ketchup secret.

[GIGGLES]

Because, um...

if you do have a ketchup secret,

I would really, really like to know what it is.

I would really, really like to know what it is.

[ALL CHUCKLING]

Field of vision, huh?

How's everything?

Mm! Really good.

This pasta primavera is fabulous.

Very tasty.

How'd everything go with that NBC guy?

Great.

The pilot's back on.

In fact, Elaine's going out with him

tomorrow night.

Hey, listen, Elaine.

You know, if Russell mentions anything about the pilot,

you'll, of course, tell him how much you liked it.

You know, I happen to have the script

right here with me, and, uh...

[CLEARS THROAT]

on page three, for example,

suppose the Elaine character comes in wearing, uh...

a low-cut dress.

And the butler is very distracted

and can't work.

Uh, that kind of comedy,

that's a little broad for us.

Nyah...

Well, I'm sure

it's right up Russell's alley.

Well, it's a funny idea.

Well, it's a funny idea.

It's funny.

Come on, funny is funny.

Funny is funny. Yeah.

We're here to entertain, right?

[LAUGHING]

All right.

Well, maybe I'll mention it to Russell tomorrow night.

If you can.

Yeah.

Where's he taking you, by the way?

Bouchard's on 53rd.

[COUGHING]

I think what he's trying to say is,

"Get the bouillabaisse."

Men are obsessed with cleavage. Women are obsessed with shoes.

It's the same for both sexes.

It doesn't matter how many times we've seen these things,

every time these objects are presented to us,

we have to look. We cannot not look.

To men, cleavage is like the nearest thing

to a nearby UFO landing. That's what it is.

Women, if women buy a pair of shoes

that they really love,

this is like boarding the alien ship.

I think it's entirely possible that aliens have landed,

I think it's entirely possible that aliens have landed,

and they haven't been able to get our attention,

because we're so preoccupied with cleavage and shoes.