Original subtitles

What are lawyers, really?

To me, a lawyer is basically

the person that knows the rules of the country.

We're all throwing the dice, playing the game,

moving our pieces around the board,

but if there's a problem, the lawyer is the only person

that has read the inside of the top of the box.

I think one of the fun things for them

is to say, "objection."

"Objection!

Objection, Your Honor."

"Objection," of course, is the adult version of...

"afraid not."

"afraid not."

[♪]

To which the judge can say two things.

He can say, "Overruled,"

which is the adult version of "afraid so."

or he can say, "Sustained,"

which is the adult version of "duh!"

So uh... So you're a lawyer?

What kind of cases do you handle?

Oh, everything: divorce, patents,

immigration and naturalization.

What is that?

Immigrants come over,

you show them how to act natural?

Are your friends as funny as you?

No, they're not funny at all.

No, I have no funny friends.

I'm the funny one.

El clown-o.

ELAINE: Look, I was nice enough

to pick it up for you.

to pick it up for you.

Hey, I've been back four days. I want my mail.

It's mostly bills, magazines, and junk mail anyway.

Elaine, that's what mail is.

Without bills, magazines, and junk mail,

there is no mail.

Here's my card.

Oh, okay. Thank you.

Hey, good talking to you.

Nice meeting you.

Yeah.

Hi.

Hey, how are you doing?

You would not believe what just happened.

I was waiting for you,

and this woman was sitting at the counter.

What? The one who just left?

Yeah, yeah, and, so, you know,

we started talking,

we started talking,

and she's this lawyer who's incredible!

You know, everything I said was funny, you know?

She thought-- She laughed at everything I said.

She thinks I'm hilarious.

[CHUCKLES]

You know, in a way, I was almost too good.

I started so good.

I can't go any place but down now, you know?

I got no place to go.

Yeah, well, I guess it's all over.

Hey, is that Babu?

JERRY: It is.

Hey, Babu!

Jerry!

Look at you. You got the job.

Yes, yes, they gave me a job, thanks to you.

Oh, I didn't do anything.

Oh, I didn't do anything.

No, no, you do everything.

Got me a job, a place to live in your building.

Come on.

You're a very good man. You did everything for me.

My family and I can never thank you enough

for everything you do.

You see, this is what I do with women.

I start out too strong.

Now I have to become real.

That's when it all falls apart.

What good is real?

They don't want real.

They want funny.

No, they don't.

Oh, yes, they do, Elaine.

No...

You gotta put on a show.

You always gotta give them a big show.

You always have to be on.

Otherwise, why would they like me?

Otherwise, why would they like me?

They'd just go for a better-looking guy

with more money.

You mean that's true? I'm right?

Okay, great.

Well, I'm glad everything worked out, Babu.

Oh, yes, yes, everything's wonderful.

Okay, I'll see you around the building.

I'll see you in the building.

Remember Babu Bhatt? Who's he?

Remember that guy that opened the restaurant

across the street from the building last year,

and he wasn't doing so well...

and I told him he should make it all Pakistani,

and that drove him right out of business?

So are you going with me to the auto show Saturday?

So are you going with me to the auto show Saturday?

Yeah, yeah.

Can you bring my mail then, please?

What mail?

I picked up his mail while he was on the road.

Why didn't Kramer pick it up?

Because he's at that baseball fantasy camp

in Florida.

Oh, yeah, right.

When's he coming back?

Monday, I think.

Kramer goes to a fantasy camp.

His whole life is a fantasy camp.

People should plunk down $2000 to live like him for a week.

Do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money,

mooch food off your neighbors,

mooch food off your neighbors,

and have sex without dating.

That's a fantasy camp.

Hey, listen, if you're going to go out with this lawyer,

why don't you have dinner with us,

and then maybe you can go to the auto show with her.

You know, have a little company, take the pressure off.

[DREAMY MUSIC PLAYS]

He never heard of corduroy.

Jerry, you're killing me!

He never heard of corduroy.

[BANGING ON TABLE, LAUGHING]

True story. True story.

That's funny.

That's funny.

[LAUGHING CONTINUES]

No, no.

I don't-- I don't think so.

Why?

Well, I think I'm better off going one-on-one.

I don't know why you want to play man-to-man

when you could play a zone.

She might not be comfortable.

Why? We're all very nice.

We're very friendly.

We'll be funny.

No. No...

It's not good. Hee, hee.

I don't think so.

All right.

Well, if you change your mind,

we'll wind up at Isabella's probably around 7:00.

No, no Isabella's. I don't wanna go to Isabella's.

Why?

Why?

No, it's too trendy. No Isabella's.

Excellent.

Like I really know what I'm talking about.

Toasting makes me uncomfortable,

but toast, I love.

Never start the day without a good piece of toast.

In fact, let's toast to toast.

[CHUCKLES]

Look who's here.

Georgie boy!

What are you doing here?

I-I thought you said you hated Isabella's.

Yeah, I talked him into it.

What happened to the auto show?

Oh, we're still going. We're still going.

Elaine, do the spokesmodel.

The turbo-quadramatic transmission

offers you the power and prestige

to propel you

well into the 21st century.

[WOMAN LAUGHS]

Hi.

Cheryl, this is Elaine and Jerry.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Would you like to join us?

No, no, they don't wanna join us.

No, it's okay. Don't be silly.

Oh, okay, why don't we just

put these two tables together?

No, no, you can't do that.

They're round.

It makes an eight, and it-- Oh, all right.

Yeah, that's great.

Jerry, Jerry, tell them that funny story

you were telling me.

No, no!

No, George, it's so funny.

We saw this cab driver's picture, right?

We saw this cab driver's picture, right?

You know, we should really order.

The service is so slow here.

By the time you get anything...

Oh, Cheryl,

can I ask you a legal question?

I'm being sued.

What happened?

[SIGHS]

Well, I ran out to apologize to a virgin,

and I crossed against a light...

and I knocked over the delivery boy.

Was he Chinese?

Yeah.

Is your-- Is your last name Benes?

How did you know?

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

Ping is my cousin.

No.

That's so funny.

I'm handling his case.

What?

You're Cheryl Fong?

That's right.

Oh, my God.

I can't believe it!

This is such a coincidence.

I know!

Wow. Well...

I guess you don't have any advice for me

on how to win the case.

Will you excuse me?

I have to make a call.

Oh, sure.

Oh, sure.

Tell Ping I said hello.

Yeah... tell him you think

you may have broken the case wide open.

[ALL LAUGH]

I can't believe this.

What are you doing? What are you doing?

What? This is not good.

This is not good. What's the matter?

I just don't think it's such a great idea for you to sit here.

Why not?

He thinks that if you're too funny,

he might not look so funny.

Biff...

What?

You're not worried about that.

No. Of course not.

No. Of course not.

I mean, so what if I'm funny? Who cares?

He thinks that if a woman sees a guy

put on a better show,

she'll walk out on his show,

go see the other show.

Well, should we leave?

Let's...

You don't have to be so funny.

I mean, would it kill you

not to be so funny all the time?

That's all I'm asking.

This woman thinks I'm very funny,

and now you're gonna be funny.

So, what am I gonna be?

I'm gonna be a short bald guy

with glasses

who suddenly doesn't seem so funny.

This is so ridiculous.

This is so ridiculous.

Can we just go over there?

Come on. Look, I don't have to be funny.

I don't care.

You don't? No way.

It's completely under my control.

No, it's not.

You cannot not be funny.

Of course I can. Am I being funny now?

A little.

This is funny? I'm being funny?

Yeah.

George, is this funny?

It's funny.

It wouldn't kill you

to not be so funny either.

What? What did I do?

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

[SOMBER]: Hello.

Welcome back.

I'm sorry. It was my aunt's birthday.

She makes such a big deal about it.

Well, nobody likes to get old, right?

Yeah.

Well, birthdays are merely symbolic

of how another year has gone by...

and how little we've grown.

No matter how desperate we are

that someday a better self will emerge,

each flicker of the candles

each flicker of the candles

on the cake,

we know it's not to be...

that for the rest

of our sad, wretched, pathetic lives,

this is who we are to the bitter end.

Inevitably, irrevocably...

happy birthday?

No such thing.

Funny guy, huh?

Here, take it. I was glad to get rid of it.

Well, thank you very much.

Well, thank you very much.

It's about time.

Oh, listen.

So guess what.

Cheryl convinced Ping to drop the case against me.

Drop the case?

Wow, congratulations.

That'll save you some money.

Yeah, no kidding.

That lawyer was gonna charge me a fortune.

Oh, great.

Birth announcement from Arnie and Joy Harris.

[DOOR SLAMS]

Hear that?

Guess who's back.

Oh.

Hey!

Thought you weren't coming back till Monday.

Thought you weren't coming back till Monday.

Well, the camp ended a few days early.

Why?

Well, there was an incident.

What happened?

I punched Mickey Mantle in the mouth.

What?

Yeah, I punched him,

and they took him to the hospital,

and then they canceled the rest of the week.

You punched who in the mouth?

Mickey Mantle.

What happened?

Well, you know, we were playing a game,

Well, you know, we were playing a game,

and, you know, I was pitching,

and I was really, you know, throwing some smoke,

and Joe Pepitone, he was up,

and, man, that guy, you know, he was crowding the plate.

Wow. Joe Pepitone!

Yeah, well, Joe Pepitone or not,

I own the inside of that plate.

So you know, I throw one...

you know, inside, you know,

a little chin music.

Right on his pants,

because I got to intimidate, you know,

when I'm on the mound.

Well, the next pitch,

he's right back in the same place.

So I had to plunk him.

So I had to plunk him.

You plunked him?

Oh, yeah.

Well, he throws down his bat,

he comes racing up to the mound.

Next thing, both benches are cleared, you know?

A brouhaha breaks out

between the guys in the camp, you know,

and the old Yankee players,

and as I'm trying to get Moose Skowron

off of one of my teammates, you know,

somebody pulls me from behind, you know,

and I turned around, and I popped him.

I looked down, and whoa, man, it's Mickey!

I punched his lights out.

Wow, this is incredible.

BABU: Leave me alone!

BABU: Leave me alone!

You can't do this to me.

What's going on out there? BABU: What are you doing?

This is not right, people.

You're making a bad mistake, very bad.

Babu! I'll be right back.

Yeah, so?

Then Hank Bauer, you know, he's screaming,

"Mickey, Mickey!

"What have you done with Mickey?

You killed Mickey!"

So, what'd you do?

Well, I got the hell out of there.

They took Babu away.

They took Babu away?

Yeah, the immigration guy said his visa was expired.

Poor Babu.

Poor Babu.

Everything was going so well for him.

He had an apartment. He had a job.

What a shame.

BABU: Jerry!

Help me!

I will, Babu!

I will help you, Babu!

Don't worry!

Then Hank Bauer, you know,

he's chasing me around.

He trips over third base and knocks over Clete Boyer.

Uh-oh.

What?

Well, this is interesting.

What is that?

It's a letter from the immigration bureau.

It's Babu's visa renewal application form.

It's Babu's visa renewal application form.

They must've put it in my mailbox by mistake.

Well, doesn't he need that?

If you had given me my mail last week,

this whole thing never would've happened.

You should've come to my house to pick it up.

Yeah, so am I being funny now?

No, actually, you're not being funny now.

Yeah, see, I told you I wasn't funny all the time.

Hey, George, look. I'm not funny now.

No, and you weren't funny

last night either.

In fact, you got us both so depressed

she asked me to drive her home after dinner.

Well, look, I need to get in touch with Cheryl.

Babu needs a lawyer. His visa's expired.

What do you need her for? There's a million lawyers.

You said this is one of the things that her firm does.

You said this is one of the things that her firm does.

All right, all right, but no funny business.

Same deal as last night.

Oh, will you stop it already?

Jerry, please.

How long is this gonna go on?

Till I'm comfortable.

Well, when is that gonna be?

After consummation.

Consummation?

I don't think you have enough material.

I actually have a friend

in the immigration department

who owes me a big favor.

who owes me a big favor.

You're very lucky.

[SOMBER] That's wonderful news.

Thank you.

You're a very serious person, aren't you?

Well, so many people in the world

deprived and unhappy...

Doesn't seem like it would be fair

to be...cheerful. [FLY BUZZING]

I understand.

I understand.

I think that's curdled.

I don't care.

Do you ever laugh?

Not really.

Sometimes when I'm in the tub.

That's so sad.

What do you do?

I'm a comedian.

Oh, let me get that.

You've been so helpful.

Hey, we're gonna go see Babu now, right?

Yeah, I'll just pay for this.

Oh, I'm just gonna say hi to Cheryl.

Hi.

Hi.

Listen, gosh, I wanted to thank you so much

for convincing Ping to drop the case.

Well, you know, after we met, you were all so nice,

I just couldn't go through with it...

but between you and me,

you would've paid through the nose.

You're kidding.

No, I'm not.

Babu.

[GASPS]

Jerry. Jerry. Hello, Jerry.

You remember Elaine.

Yes. Yes, of course.

Nice to meet you.

So nice of you both to come.

Oh, Babu.

No, no, you're both very kind, very kind.

Oh, well, you know. You know.

We try. We do what we can.

We do what we can.

You see, the problem is,

I never got my visa renewal form in the mail.

I was expecting it.

Yes, well, see, uh, here's the thing, Babu.

Yes, well, see, uh, here's the thing, Babu.

Um, what happened was, uh...

I was away for a couple of weeks doing comedy shows--

Yes, yes, the comedy shows.

You're a very funny man.

And, well, Elaine here was picking up my mail

while I was away, because, you know,

that little box can get very full.

Oh, yes, yes, of course.

TV Guide, magazines, everything.

You know, I would've picked up your mail.

Your box is right next to mine.

Oh, I don't want to bother you. No bother.

You got me a job, you got me an apartment.

You're a very, very good man.

Well, yesterday after they took you away,

I looked in my mail,

and I noticed that the mailman

and I noticed that the mailman

accidentally put your visa renewal

in my mailbox.

Come again?

You see, I'd been home for a week,

and Elaine didn't give me my mail till yesterday,

even though I asked her repeatedly for it.

Yeah, but, um, Babu,

he could've come to my house to pick it up.

You had my visa application?

Well, not technically. I'll kill you!

Well, what about her?

I'll kill both of you!

Babu!

No "Babu." No "Babu."

You're a bad man. You're a very bad man.

A very lazy, bad man.

Babu, I'm gonna fix everything.

Babu, I'm gonna fix everything.

I have a lawyer who knows someone

in the immigration department.

They're gonna straighten the whole thing out.

The wheels are in motion.

Things are happening even as we speak.

The wheels are in motion?

The wheels are in motion.

Things are happening.

Jerry?

I'm very attracted to him.

You think the person you were talking to

was him?

That's not even close to him.

He's funny.

Jerry's funny.

He's never said anything funny.

He can't not be funny.

No, no, no, he's--

No, no, no, he's--

He's dark...

and disturbed.

Dark and disturbed?

His whole life revolves around Superman and cereal.

What kind of a friend are you?

You see, I convinced him to act like that

so that you would think I was funnier.

That's how disturbed I am.

You want disturbed?

That's disturbed.

I mean, you can't find sickness like that anywhere.

You think sickness like that grows on trees?

Nobody is sicker than me, nobody.

He's pretending. I'm the genuine article.

He's pretending. I'm the genuine article.

So you're telling me Jerry's whole thing was an act?

Yes, and I put him up to it,

because I'm sick.

I'm the one that needs help.

I got to go.

Well, should I call you later?

Please don't.

But...

But I'm disturbed.

I'm depressed.

I'm inadequate.

I got it all!

So, what's up with Babu?

How come he's not back?

How come he's not back?

I don't know.

I don't understand it.

Cheryl was supposed to take care of it.

He should be back by now.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Yeah?

It's George. Come on up.

MAN: Babu, oh!

Babu, my goodness.

Babu must be back.

Well, where's Babu?

He is in Pakistan.

Who are you?

I am his brother.

He knew a lawyer.

It was all going to be fixed.

I'm sure the lawyer did everything they could.

Then where is Babu?

What happened to Babu?

Show me Babu.

Snapple?

No.

Too fruity.

Hey, what happened?

I thought Cheryl was gonna help Babu

get his visa.

She didn't help him?

No. Where is he?

He's in Pakistan.

Oh, boy.

What do you mean, "Oh, boy"?

Well... last night,

she told me that she liked you.

Not you, the disturbed you.

Not you, the disturbed you.

So I had to tell her the truth.

Told her the truth?

Well, you got Babu deported.

What do you mean, I got?

You didn't give him his visa application.

That's because she had my mail.

Yeah, well,

I wouldn't have had to get your mail

if he hadn't gone to that fantasy camp.

Well, I just came back

from Mickey Mantle's restaurant.

How could you go in there?

Well, I had to.

I had to apologize.

I mean, I punched Mickey Mantle, my idol.

It was... eating me up inside.

Well, what happened?

I got down on my knees,

and I went, "Go ahead, Mickey, hit me.

and I went, "Go ahead, Mickey, hit me.

"I'm begging you, Mickey, please.

"Hit me. Come on, hit me.

I love you, Mickey. I love you."

So, what'd he do?

Well, the four of them,

they picked me up by my pants,

and they threw me outside right into a horse.

[CHUCKLING]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

MAN: Kramer. Hey!

Hey, yeah.

It's my Chinese food.

Oh, Ping, hi.

Listen, thank you so much

for dropping that lawsuit against me.

Not anymore.

What?

Cheryl call me last night.

Cheryl call me last night.

Lawsuit back on.

Why?

She call you and your friends big liars.

You think she nice girl?

Wait till you see her in court.

She's a shark.

They call her the Terminator.

She never lose a case,

and now, you make her mad.

She double the damages.

Hasta la vista, baby.

[♪]

[♪]

So his friend had the mail,

but she did not give it to him,

and then he came to visit me.

Said a lawyer would call and help.

He said the wheels were in motion,

but there was no motion.

There was nothing...

and so they sent me back here.

This is a terrible story, Babu.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to save up every rupee.

For someday

I will get back to America,

and when I do,

I will exact vengeance on this man.

I will exact vengeance on this man.

I cannot forget him.

He haunts me.

He's a very bad man.

He's a very, very bad man.

I am for open immigration,

but that sign we have

on the front of Statue of Liberty,

"Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses..."

Can't we just say,

"Hey, the door's open. We'll take whoever you got"?

Do we have to specify the wretched refuse?

I mean, why don't we just say,

"Give us the unhappy, the sad, the slow, the ugly,

"Give us the unhappy, the sad, the slow, the ugly,

"people that can't drive,

"if they have trouble merging,

"if they can't stay in their lane,

"if they don't signal, can't parallel park,

"if they're sneezing, if they're stuffed up,

"if they're clogged,

"if they have bad penmanship, don't return calls,

"if they have dandruff,

"food between their teeth,

"if they have bad credit, if they have no credit,

Missed a spot shaving..."

In other words,

any dysfunctional, defective slob

that you can somehow cattle-prod onto a wagon,

send them over.

We want them.

We want them.

[♪]