Original subtitles

What is with the age-gap hiring policy

at most movie theaters?

You ever notice they never hire anyone

between the ages of 15 and 80?

You know what I mean?

The girl that sells you the ticket, she's 10.

Then there's the guy that rips it, he's 102.

What happened in the middle there?

Couldn't find anybody?

It's like they want to show you

how life comes full circle.

You know, you're 15.

You're selling the tickets.

Then you leave, you go out,

you have a family, kids, marriage,

career, grandchildren...

Eighty years later,

you're back at the same theater, three feet away,

ripping tickets.

ripping tickets.

It took you 80 years to move three feet.

I don't understand. The show's delayed? Why?

I don't know. Diane told me to hold it for 15 minutes.

You don't understand. I got this all timed.

I got another spot cross-town at 9:50.

I'm not gonna make it. I hear you, guy.

And I'm doing Letterman Monday.

You know, I gotta work out the material.

Let me see what I can do.

JERRY: Oh, no. Buckles?

You're not putting him on tonight, are you?

No. He hangs around in case somebody drops out.

Look, why don't you come back and do the 11:00 spot?

Look, why don't you come back and do the 11:00 spot?

I'm supposed to meet my friends

to see this movie Checkmate at 10:30.

All right, forget the movie.

I'll do the 11:00 spot.

I'll be back.

Hey, Jer!

Hey!

Excuse me, do you have a ticket?

No.

Okay, good.

You missed your spot.

It was 9:15.

It was 9:15.

But, Maurice, I'm positive you told me 9:50.

In any event,

I had no alternative but to reassign your spot

to one of your peers

who possesses

a clearer understanding

of our scheduling policies.

Jerry!

What are you doing here?

Hey, do you think this is funny?

Why do they call it athlete's foot?

You don't have to be an athlete to get it.

I mean, my father gets it all the time,

and, believe me, he's no athlete.

I gotta go. Where?

I gotta go. Where?

The movies. Well, I thought you told Curtis

you were going back to do the 11:00.

I am. I'm just gonna stop by the theater

and tell my friends I can't make it.

Well, that's cool. I'll split a cab with you.

I could be a while.

I got time.

It'll give us a chance to get to know each other

a little better.

Hey! Hey!

[LAUGHS]

Where is everybody?

Everybody's late...

because they know good old George would get in line early.

Oh, I've been dying to see Checkmate.

Oh, I've been dying to see Checkmate.

If it's as good as Ponce de León,

I'll be happy.

Ponce de León?

Are you kidding me?

I hated that movie.

Ponce de León?

But that was great.

Oh, come on.

That fountain of youth scene

at the end,

where they're all splashing around,

and then they go running over to the mirror

to see if it really worked...

[LAUGHING] I mean, come on.

It's so stupid.

Let me tell you something.

When Ponce looked in that mirror

and saw that he hadn't changed,

and that tear started to roll down his cheek,

and that tear started to roll down his cheek,

I lost it.

Oh, there you are.

Oh, where have you been? Hi.

Around the corner at the Paradise Twin.

Well, I told you the Paragon.

No, you said "Paradise."

I mean, it's playing there too, you know.

No, I would not have said "Paradise."

That's a twin theater. I want to see it on a big screen.

Listen, I'm gonna get a hot dog at Papaya King.

No! No, wait!

You're never gonna make it back in time.

I'm starving. I haven't had dinner.

Get a hot dog at the theater.

I don't want a movie hot dog.

I want a Papaya King hot dog.

Kramer, Jerry's gonna be here any second,

and then this line's gonna start moving,

and we're gonna end up in the front row.

and we're gonna end up in the front row.

Well, just save me a seat.

No, I don't wanna save seats.

Don't put me through that.

I once had the fleece

just ripped out of my winter coat

in a seat-saving incident.

All right, well, give me my ticket, then.

I don't have them yet.

What do you mean, you don't have them yet?

I'm in line to buy.

No, George,

this is a ticket holders' line.

No, it's not. It's the ticket buyers' line.

Then how come we're not moving?

Good question.

Is this the ticket holders' line or the buyers'?

Holders.

Holders.

When I asked you before if you had a ticket,

you said no.

I didn't.

My friend was getting it.

That's good. It's good to be accurate.

All right, stay here. I'll go get tickets.

Can you believe him?

He's spaced out.

How long would you have stood

in the ticket holders' line?

Yeah, exactly.

It's sold out.

Oh, real good, George.

Real good.

Hey, I asked the guy if he had a ticket!

All right, what time is it?

Twenty after 10.

Twenty after 10.

All right, they got one

at the Paradise at 10:45.

No, I don't wanna go to a miniplex multi-theater.

It's the same movie.

What's the difference?

No, it's not a theater.

It's like a room where they bring in POWs

to show them propaganda films.

All right. I'm going.

It's in Dolby.

Well, what about Jerry?

You guys go get the tickets.

I'll wait here for him.

Terrific. All right. All right.

Come on. Come on.

BUCKLES: So, then, when I was 12,

the whole family moved from Bensonhurst

to Sheepshead Bay.

Mm-hmm.

We were right on the water.

The whole atmosphere stunk from fish.

You know that fishy smell I'm talking about?

Yeah, yeah, the fishy smell.

To this day, I won't eat fish.

Do you eat fish?

Yes! Yes, I eat fish.

I don't know how you can eat that crap.

Take the park.

No, no, no, take 55th.

No, there's beautiful homes there.

No, there's beautiful homes there.

There's lovely, talented, attractive people.

You'll thank me.

Jerry, I want you to do me a favor.

No more fish.

Okay, I get your point!

I have a point?

Got 'em.

Beautiful.

Hey, you know

what else is playing here?

Rochelle Rochelle.

Ugh!

I wouldn't mind seeing that.

Yeah...you know, men can sit through

the most pointless, boring movie

if there's even the slightest possibility

that a woman will take her top off.

that a woman will take her top off.

So, what's your point?

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, by the way, you owe me 7.50.

Oh, all right. Can you break a 20?

No, I don't have any change.

Oh, well, then, I'll pay you later.

Or I could take the 20, and I could pay you later.

Yeah, you could.

Might be easier.

Well, how's that easier?

I mean, then you'd owe me 12.50 instead of me owing you 7.50.

Either way.

Yeah, it's the same thing.

So...can I have it?

I tell you what,

I'll get the popcorn and the soda.

What do you mean,

you'll "get" the popcorn and the soda?

I will buy your popcorn and soda,

and we'll call it even.

I'll tell you what, give me the 20.

I'll buy you a popcorn and a soda,

and I'll throw in the bonbons.

George, you're sapping my strength.

MAN: Hey, come on, go!

What about Kramer and Jerry?

I'll wait out here for them.

You go in and save seats.

Me? But that's three seats.

I can't save three seats.

I can't save three seats.

I told you about that guy who tore up my winter coat.

Go save them. Go.

No, but George...George.

JERRY: 55th Street. Great idea.

Saturday night theater traffic.

Good move.

I wonder how Ike Turner would react in traffic.

You better move dat car, girl, fo' I bust you up...

Or what about José Feliciano?

[WITH SPANISH ACCENT] It's not bad enough that I can't see,

I have to sit here for two hours?

I don't think so.

[RETURNS TO OWN VOICE] It can be anybody.

[RETURNS TO OWN VOICE] It can be anybody.

People down through history reacting in traffic.

Franklin Roosevelt...

Driver--

All right, all right. I got the bit!

Jerry, I want you to have this piece of material.

That's very nice of you.

I can't do the voices.

Jerry, don't start up with me.

I gotta get out of this cab.

But, Jerry, we're riffing.

No, I'm not riffing.

I'm ignoring.

Do you understand the difference?

Can you help me get on The Tonight Show?

Can you help me get on The Tonight Show?

No, these are saved.

All of them? Yeah.

Come on, you can't take four seats.

What, is that a rule?

Are these your things? Yeah, yeah.

Elaine. They didn't show. I can't wait any more.

I'm going to miss the beginning.

Well, we'll take these seats.

Would you please remove your stuff?

No, they'll be here.

But I am here. They are not.

They're coming. George, listen,

run over to the Paragon

and give Kramer the two tickets so they can come in, okay?

and give Kramer the two tickets so they can come in, okay?

These are taken. Taken.

Then if you hurry back, you won't miss the beginning.

Why don't you go and I could save the seats?

You said you didn't like saving anyway.

No, taken! Taken, taken.

I'm getting the hang of it.

Look, why don't you give me the 20,

and I'll stop and get change,

and then you and I can, you know, settle up.

Can we do this later, George?

What's the point of even discussing it anymore?

You'll give me the money when you have it.

Right.

I-I trust you.

I-I trust you.

Hey, will you do me a favor?

Uh, you see a guy who's about 5-foot 11,

he's got a big head and flared nostrils,

tell him his friend's gonna be right back, okay?

Okay, that's good.

No, I'm sorry. These are taken.

They're in the lobby buying popcorn.

What are you doing?

These are taken. These are taken!

WOMAN: Which one? These two and this one.

WOMAN: Which one? These two and this one.

No, don't come over here! These are taken!

Go! Go! These are taken.

They're taken. They're taken!

Oh, take 'em!

Um, excuse me,

have you seen a guy with, like, a horse face, big teeth,

and a pointed nose?

Flared nostrils?

Yeah. No. Haven't seen him.

Jerry, could you do me a personal favor?

And if I'm out of line, please, let me know.

Could I keep my trenchcoattrench coat in your closet

for a few months?

Your trench coat in my closet?

Jerry, my closet is packed to the gills.

I'm afraid to open the door.

Just for a few months.

It'll make all the difference in the world.

I can't keep your coat in my closet.

I'm sorry you feel that way.

Well, that's how I feel.

Well, that's how I feel.

Hey, your friends aren't here.

They must be inside.

I'm just gonna run in

and tell them I can't make the movie.

We should go see Rochelle Rochelle.

I hear it's really hot.

No, thanks. Maybe some other time.

Really? Do you really mean that?

No, I don't.

But you liked the athlete's foot bit, right?

No, no.

I was kidding. It was terrible.

Here you go.

See you later.

Do you want me to wait for you?

No. No, don't wait!

Jerry, I'll wait to make sure you get in, that's all.

I got some friends inside. I need to get a message to them.

I got some friends inside. I need to get a message to them.

You mind if I walk through real quick?

Go ahead!

BUCKLES: Bye-bye!

Hey, did that guy show up?

The guy with the horse face and the big teeth?

No, with the big head and the flared nostrils.

Haven't seen him.

There was a short guy with glasses.

Looked like Humpty Dumpty with a melon head,

but he left.

Hmm.

So I got home, and he was vacuuming.

So I got home, and he was vacuuming.

I mean, he's 12 years old.

Who else but my Alan would do something like that?

And then, last night, he put on my high heels.

Oh, he put on such a show for us.

He was dancing around, lip-synching to A Chorus Line.

I mean, you can see he's got talent.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

What's the problem?

You're talking.

It's the coming attractions.

So, anyway, he sings, he dances,

and you know what he's gotten into now?

and you know what he's gotten into now?

He is cooking. He does a crepe...

Ticket, sir?

Uh, I just went out. I went to look for my friends.

Do you have your stub?

My stub?

Mm-hmm.

Who keeps the stub?

No one holds onto the stub.

I'm going to the movies for 25 years,

nobody ever asked me for the stub.

You don't remember me?

It's a big city, sir.

Yeah, I went in with a pretty woman,

you know, kind of short, big wall of hair,

face like a frying pan?

Nope.

Nope.

I-I can't find it.

I can't let you in without your stub.

All right, here. It's my friend's ticket.

[INDISTINCT DIALOGUE]

[LOUDLY WHISPERS]: Elaine?

MAN: Yes, a chess piece.

Elaine.

WOMAN [LOUDLY WHISPERS]: Sit down!

WOMAN [LOUDLY WHISPERS]: Sit down!

Elaine.

MAN: Hey, shut up!

I'm looking for my friend.

Check the bathroom. You're bothering everybody.

What am I supposed to do? I know my friend's here.

What do you want me to do?

You could shut up.

[SHOUTS]: Elaine!

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

JERRY [WHISPERING]: Elaine.

Elaine.

Shh!

MAN [IN MOVIE TRAILER]: The Village Voice calls it a masterpiece.

MAN [IN MOVIE TRAILER]: The Village Voice calls it a masterpiece.

A young woman's strange, erotic journey

from Milan to Minsk.

It's a story about life and love

and becoming a woman.

Rochelle Rochelle,

now playing at the Paradise Two.

There you go. Thank you.

Um, could I have a medium Diet Coke?

Do you want the medium size or the middle size?

What's the difference?

Well, we have three sizes, medium, large, and jumbo.

What happened to the small?

There is no small. Small's medium.

So, what's medium?

Medium's large, and large is jumbo.

Okay, give me the large. That's medium.

Right. Yeah. Can I have a small popcorn?

There is no small. Child size is small.

What's medium?

Adult.

Do adults ever order the child size?

Do adults ever order the child size?

Not usually.

[CHUCKLES]

Okay, give me the adult.

Do you want butter?

Is it real butter?

It's butter flavoring.

Well, what is it made of?

It's yellow.

[SIGHS]

Thanks.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

You don't know how long I've been waiting out there.

Very busy tonight, very busy.

Where you go?

Uh, 44th and 9th.

Have you got a cigarette?

Have you got a cigarette?

No.

Ticket, sir?

We've just been through this!

You don't remember?

We just had this exact same conversation

a minute ago.

I need to see your stub.

I got the stub. I got the stub.

I put it right in my pocket.

I got the st-- I'm telling you, I got the stub.

I just-- I don't know-- I don't know where it is.

I can't let you in without your stub.

You just let me in.

We just did this a minute ago!

We just did this a minute ago!

All right, okay. There.

There you go, okay?

That's my other friend's ticket.

You happy now? You got two tickets!

Two of my friends!

Ticket, sir?

KRAMER: Uh, no, see,

my friend bought me a ticket.

See, I'm late. She's already inside.

Go ahead. Enjoy the movie. Thanks.

MAN: What is it, Your Majesty?

Is that seat taken?

It's all yours.

MAN 2: Why would anyone ask?

MAN: When I tell you something, you damn well better listen.

I'm getting tired of all these questions.

MAN 2: Yes, your Majesty.

I'm sorry, Grendel... I've been very taxed lately.

Yeah, I'm very sorry. You give me a few minutes?

I have to stop for gasoline.

Gasoline? Can't you get it after you drop me off?

No, impossible. It is on empty.

You see?

Yeah, yeah, okay.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

MAN: So, look, Your Majesty.

[WHISPERS] What happened to my seat?

My God, where was I?

MAN: Hey, sit down. I can't see!

WOMAN [WHISPERS]: Get out of the way!

I can't find my seat.

Just move!

No, you move!

Get the hell out of here! Jeez!

MAN: You're soaking wet. Come here.

ROCHELLE: My name is Rochelle.

I'm from Milan.

I'm supposed to visit my relatives in Minsk.

Here, stand by the fire.

Take off those wet clothes. You'll catch cold.

Oh, my hands are so cold,

Oh, my hands are so cold,

I can barely get these buttons open.

That's much better, much, much better.

Listen, I just went to go get popcorn,

And-- Oh, God!

I just went to go get popcorn, okay,

and-- And somebody took my seat,

and my coat is in there.

There's a seat in the front row.

No, no, I can't sit in the front row.

Well, you're just gonna have to wait, then.

Well, you're just gonna have to wait, then.

I can't stand around here for two hours!

I can let you see Rochelle Rochelle.

Oh, thanks.

[SIGHS]

Oh, hey, listen,

by the way,

have you seen a tall, lanky doofus

with a bird face

and hair like the Bride of Frankenstein?

I haven't seen him.

[SIGHING] Okay.

JERRY: Hey, let's go. I'm gonna miss my spot.

Yes, yes. We go, we go. One minute.

I run across the street for cigarettes.

I run across the street for cigarettes.

For cigarettes? I don't have time.

I'm going to miss my spot.

No, no, we go very soon.

MAN: I didn't know

you enjoyed chess, Your Majesty.

MAN 2: Why wouldn't I?

Well, because the king is always in jeopardy.

Yes, but it's only a game.

Yes, of course... only a game.

Hey, did I make it?

Sorry.

Oh, great. That's great. What a night.

Oh, great. That's great. What a night.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUSE]

MC [OVER PA]: Pat Buckles, ladies and gentlemen.

Another round of applause for Pat Buckles.

Good set. Thanks.

You got my spot?

That athlete's foot bit kills.

Really?

Do you think I need to lose some weight?

Weight? No. You just need some height.

Jerry, don't start up with me.

What are you doing now?

What am I doing now? My whole night's ruined.

I didn't do any sets. I didn't get to the movies.

Come on, we can still catch most of Rochelle Rochelle.

Rochelle Rochelle, huh?

A young girl's strange, erotic journey

A young girl's strange, erotic journey

from Milan to Minsk.

Minsk?

ROCHELLE: My father was a shoemaker.

He worked very hard, and we didn't have much money.

MAN: Rochelle, Rochelle,

what are we going to do with you?

ROCHELLE: I'm going away tomorrow.

Where? Where are you going?

I want to go with you.

Take me with you.

Oh, don't be a silly goose.

But I've never seen Minsk.

I hear there's so much hustle and bustle.

You're being absurd. Leave me alone.

[ROMANTIC THEME PLAYS]

Rochelle, Rochelle. Do you love me?

Oh, give me a break!

Elaine?

Jerry!

Elaine!

MAN [WHISPERS]: Shut up!

Jerry?

George?

Elaine?

George!

Hey, where's Kramer?

MAN: Will you shut up?

I don't know. Does this movie stink, or what?

Let's get out of here. I'll see you.

You're leaving? Yeah.

Jerry, take the coat. Please, one month.

I don't want the coat.

Jerry!

Call me when you get home so I know you're okay.

What happened to you?

Well, I missed you over at the other theater,

then I missed my set,

and I had nothing to do.

Oh, man. Look at this!

I sat in gum.

What happened to Checkmate?

Oh, I went out to get popcorn,

and some creep took my seat.

Hey, by the way, you owe me 7.50.

But I didn't even use the ticket.

I still paid for it.

I only have a 20.

Hey-hey-hi!

Hey!

What happened to you?

That's my coat! Give me that!

That's my coat! Give me that!

Where did you get that?

It was on the seat.

You took my seat?

You, uh, owe me 7.50.

Yeah, right.

What is this stain?

It's yellow mustard.

Can you break a 20?

But I always get confused in the movie theater

by the plot.

It's embarrassing.

This is embarrassing thing to have to admit,

but I'm the one that you see in the parking lot,

after the movie, talking with his friends,

going, "Oh, you mean that was the same guy

"from the beginning?

"from the beginning?

Oh..."

Nobody will explain it to you.

When you're in the theater, you can't find out--

[WHISPERING] "Why did they kill that guy?

"Why did they kill him?

"Who was that guy? What was that guy?

"I thought he was with them. Wasn't he with them?

"Why would they kill him if he was with them?

"Oh, he wasn't really with them.

"I thought he was with them.

It's a good thing they killed him."

It's a good thing they killed him."

[♪]