Original subtitles

You don't want to visualize your parents having sex.

You know what I mean?

It's somehow a very uncomfortable thing.

You know, in your mind that they had to have sex

at least once to have you.

But you still kind of maintain the image in your head of,

"Well, I don't know. I'm not positive.

"I can't prove it.

I don't know if that actually happened."

That's why I think if I found I was adopted,

that would really come as great news.

"I'm adopted? That's great!" I'd be happy to hear that.

That means, technically,

it's possible that my mother and my father

are really just really great friends.

are really just really great friends.

I mean, sex is great,

but you don't want to think your whole life began

because somebody maybe had

a little too much wine with dinner.

Let me ask you a question. Mm-hmm.

You're a hostage captured by terrorists.

Who, me? You. Anybody. Whatever.

You're in the little room.

You're chained to the floor.

You're there for a long time.

Do you think they would ever consider doing a laundry?

They'd have to. It's in the Geneva Convention.

[MIDDLE-EASTERN ACCENT] "You, take off your socks, pants, underwear.

We're doing a wash. Come on. Take it off. Take it off."

[JERRY & ELAINE CHUCKLE]

Hey, Georgie.

Hi. Hi.

What's the matter?

My mother caught me.

Caught you? Doing what?

You know.

I was alone...

You mean...?

Uh-huh.

She caught you? Where?

I stopped by the house to drop the car off,

and I went inside for a few minutes.

Nobody was there.

They're supposed to be working.

My mother had a Glamour magazine.

My mother had a Glamour magazine.

I started leafing through it.

Glamour?

So one thing led to another...

So, what did she do?

First, she screams,

[GRUFFLY] "George, what are you doing?! My God!"

And it looked like she was gonna faint.

She started clutching the wall, trying to hang onto it.

I didn't know whether

to try and keep her from falling or zip up.

What did you do?

I zipped up.

So she fell? Yeah.

Well, I couldn't run over there, the way I was!

Well, I couldn't run over there, the way I was!

No, I guess you couldn't.

I wouldn't think so.

So she fell, and then she starts screaming,

"My back, my back!"

So I picked her up, I took her to the hospital.

[LAUGHING] Oh! How is she?

She's in traction.

Okay, sorry.

It's not funny, Elaine.

I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Her back went out.

She's gotta be there for a couple days.

All she said on the way over in the car

was "Why, George, why?"

I said, "Because it's there!"

I said, "Because it's there!"

[CHUCKLES] Glamour?

[LAUGHS]

All right, I'll tell you this, though,

I am never doing...

that again.

What, you mean in your mother's house,

or altogether? Altogether.

Oh, give me You can stop? a break. Oh, yeah, right.

Come on. Come on.

What? You don't think I can?

No chance.

You think you could?

Well, I know I could hold out longer than you.

Care to make it interesting?

Sure. How much?

Sure. How much?

Hundred dollars?

You're on.

Wait a second. Wait a second.

Count me in on this.

You? Yeah.

You'll be out before we get the check.

I want to be in on this too.

Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no.

It's a whole other ballgame. It's apples and oranges.

Why? What? It's a whole different thing.

Why? Because you're a woman.

So what?

It's easier for a woman not to do it than a man.

We have to do it.

It's part of our lifestyle.

It's like, uh, shaving.

It's like, uh, shaving.

Oh, that is such baloney.

I shave my legs.

Not every day.

All right, look, you wanna be in?

Yeah. You gotta give us odds.

At least 2 to 1. You gotta put up $200.

No. A thousand.

No. I'll put up 150.

All right. You're in for 150.

Okay, 150.

All right, now, how we gonna monitor this?

Well, obviously,

we all know each other very well.

I'm sure we'll all feel comfortable

within the confines of the honor system.

within the confines of the honor system.

All right. Come on.

ALL: Yeah!

No, Ma.

I'm not gonna see a psychiatrist.

I don't care if you do pay for it.

No. Discussion over.

Yeah, all right. I'll see you later.

Yes, of course, I'm gonna come by.

All right.

My mother wants me to see a psychiatrist now.

Why? Because she caught me?

Why? Because she caught me?

You know, if everyone who did that

had to go see a psychiatrist...

[CHUCKLES, SNORTS]

Yeah?

Whatever.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

How is she? She'll be fine.

I gotta go to the hospital, see her tonight.

Yeah? ELAINE: It's me.

Come on up.

Hey, what are you doing tonight?

Date with Marla.

Oh, the virgin? Yeah.

Any, uh, progress there? What's the latest?

Any, uh, progress there? What's the latest?

Well, I got my troops amassed along the border.

I'm just waiting for someone to give me the go-ahead.

Hey, look at this. Come here.

There's a naked woman across the street.

JERRY: Where?

Second floor from the top. See the window on the left?

Wow!

Who walks around the house like that?

Maybe she's a nudist.

You know those nudist colony people.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Let me ask you a question.

In these nudist colonies,

do they eat naked in the dining room?

I would imagine it's all naked.

What about the chambermaids,

are they naked too?

They're naked, the gardener's naked.

Bellhops. Phew.

It's one big nude-o-rama.

Hey.

Hey. Hey.

Well, where's my money? Who caved?

Not me. Not me.

What are you looking at?

There's a naked woman across the street.

[LAUGHING]

This is gonna be the easiest money

This is gonna be the easiest money

I've ever made in my life.

So my friend, Joyce, is teaching an aerobics class.

I'm gonna go tonight.

Yeah, well, the waitress should've taken it back.

So, then, I got a call this morning.

You know, I was chosen to go on the space shuttle.

We're going to Mars.

Uh-huh. Have a good time.

I'm out.

What?

Yeah, I'm out. I'm out of the contest.

You're out?

Yeah, yeah.

Wow! That was fast.

Well, it was that woman across the street.

You know, you better be careful, buddy.

She's gonna get you next.

And then there were three.

I don't understand you.

I really don't.

You have nothing better to do

at 3:00 in the afternoon?

I go out for a quart of milk.

I come home, and find my son

treating his body like it was an amusement park.

Ma...

Don't give me "Ma".

It's a good thing I didn't hit the table.

I could've cracked my head open.

I could've cracked my head open.

Ma, people can hear you.

Too bad you can't do that for a living.

You'd be very successful at it.

You could sell out Madison Square Garden.

Thousands of people could watch you.

You could be a big star!

All right, Ma, that's enough.

I want you to go see a psychiatrist.

No! I am not going to see a psychiatrist.

Why? Why not? Why won't you go?

Because I don't want to.

I want you to go see somebody.

Well, I am not going.

Well, I am not going.

It's a good thing your father's in Chicago.

Hello, Aunt Estelle.

Look at you.

How did this happen?

Is that important, really?

What is this, a police investigation?

The woman's been through enough.

She has to relive the experience now?

Hi, Denise. 6:30, time for your sponge bath.

WOMAN [SENSUALLY]: Mmmm... Is it 6:30 already?

I fell asleep.

So, George...

What are you doing now?

I hear you got some kind of

television-writing thing.

Yeah...television.

NURSE: Let me help you off with that.

Here, just slip it over your head...

Well, it's about time.

We thought you were gonna wind up on the street.

[WATER SPLASHING]

So...

what is it you're doing exactly?

George!

Your cousin, Shelly, is talking to you!

So when was the last time you took a class?

Uh, it's been a while.

Are you psyched?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm really psyched.

Well, you're gonna thank me for getting you in here.

Why is that?

See the guy

with the dark hair and the red shorts?

[GASPS] Oh, my God.

[SQUEAKS]

John F. Kennedy Jr.'s here.

John F. Kennedy Jr.'s here.

He's gonna be in your class today.

In my class?

John Kennedy's gonna be in my class?

I can get you a spot right behind him.

He has got a great butt.

Yeah. Butt, butt. Great butt. John-John's butt.

Let's slow it down a little.

Slow it down?

Well...you know.

Oh, yeah. I know.

You're okay with that, right?

You're okay with that, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Of course.

What, you think I care about the sex?

What kind of person do you think I am?

That doesn't mean anything to me.

I don't care about that.

So, I'll see you Saturday night, then?

Sure.

Saturday night.

All right, then. Good night.

Good night.

Not just a good night,

a great night.

[DOOR SHUTS]

♪ Good morning! ♪

Yeah, good morning. Ha-ha!

Nothing like some good, solid sack time.

She's not there.

She's doing her wash.

Oh. So...did you make it through the night?

Yes, I'm proud to say I did!

So you're still master of your domain.

Yes.

Yes, I am... [CHUCKLING]

master of my domain.

Ah.

But I will tell you this:

But I will tell you this:

I am going over to her apartment,

and I'm telling her to put those shades down!

Wait, whoa, wh-what did you just say?

I can't take it anymore.

She's driving me crazy.

I can't sleep. I can't leave the house.

I'm here, I'm climbing the walls!

Meanwhile, I'm dating a virgin, I'm in this contest.

Something's gotta give!

Do you hear what you're saying?

Can you hear it?

This is a beautiful woman walking around naked,

and you want to tell her to stop?!

That's the dumbest thing I ever heard!

That's the dumbest thing I ever heard!

I mean, it's incomprehensi-- I'm not gonna let you do it.

Well, I'm doing it. Get outta my way.

No, you can't, you can't.

This is something that comes about

once in a lifetime.

When we were boys

looking through our bedroom windows,

we would think, "Why can't there be a woman out there,

taking her clothes off?"

And now that wish has come true,

and you want to, pffft, throw it away?

Look, I'm sorry.

No, I'm not gonna let you do it, Jerry.

Kramer, get out of my way.

No. Don't do it, don't do it. For my sake.

[PLEADS] God knows, I don't ask you for much!

Now, come on, please, Jerry, I'm begging you.

Please! Come on! Please!

Please! Come on! Please!

All right. All right. Yes!

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

She's not there.

Oh, I can wait.

The nurse was giving her a sponge bath?

Every night at 6:30.

The nurse was gorgeous.

Then I got a look at the patient.

[CHUCKLES, SNORTS]

I was going nuts.

I was going nuts.

Oh, man.

So I guess you'll be going back to that hospital.

Well, my mother, Jerry.

But are you still master of your domain?

I am king of the county. You?

Lord of the manor.

John F. Kennedy Jr.

What?

He was in my aerobics class.

Really? Did you talk to him?

Really? Did you talk to him?

No, you don't understand.

He was working out in front of me.

So, listen, after the class was over,

I timed my walk to the door

so we'd get there at the exact same moment,

and he says to me, "Quite a workout."

"Quite a workout"?

What did you say?

I said, "Yeah."

Good one.

So, then, listen, listen.

So then I showered and I dressed,

and I saw him again on the way out.

So we're walking and talking,

and he asked me my name,

and he asked me my name,

and I think I said Elaine, but, I mean, who the hell knows?

And so then he says to me,

"Do you want to split a cab uptown?"

And I said sure,

even though I was going downtown.

So...we get in the cab,

and, I mean, I have no idea where I'm going, right?

But this is John F. Kennedy Jr. we're talking about.

So then he says to me, "Where do you live?"

And I-- And I was close to your block,

so I said your building,

so he dropped me off in front,

so he dropped me off in front,

and I had to take a cab

all the way back downtown to my house.

Oh, God.

The question is...

are you still master of your domain?

I'm queen of the castle.

You're back.

Of course, I'm back.

Why wouldn't I be back?

My mother's in the hospital. I'm gonna pay her a visit.

My mother's in the hospital. I'm gonna pay her a visit.

I know,

but two days in a row?

You didn't have to do this.

You're my mother!

What wouldn't I do for you?

You know what you could do?

I haven't eaten lunch or dinner.

I can't eat this hospital food.

Maybe you could run down to the deli

and get me a sandwich?

You got it, Ma.

A little later.

Could you go now, Georgie?

I'm very hungry. I'm weak.

I'm very hungry. I'm weak.

Wait a little while, Ma. What's the difference?

I don't understand why you can't do this for me.

I just got here, Ma.

I'd like to spend a little time with you.

But if you wait, they won't let you back in.

Visiting hours are almost over.

Ten minutes!

Here, here. Have some Tic Tacs.

Get the hell outta here!

I'm sorry you came.

NURSE: 6:30. Time for your bath.

WOMAN: Mm-hmm.

George...

I'm hungry!

Hang on, Ma. Hang on.

Hi.

Hi.

Did you get your hair done today?

No, I just, uh... fixed it a little bit.

You-know-who isn't here.

He was in the early class today,

but I think you made quite an impression on him yesterday.

but I think you made quite an impression on him yesterday.

What? What? Who? M-me?

I made an impression? What impression?

Let me just put this back. No, no! Now! Tell me now!

What did he say?

He asked about you.

He asked about me?

John Kennedy asked about me?

What did he say?

He wanted to know your situation.

What situation? I have a situation?

I told him you were single.

That was good. That was very good.

He said you were just his type.

Okay. You trying to hurt me? Are you trying to--?

You're trying to injure me, right?

You're trying to hurt me?

He also told me to tell you

he'll be in your neighborhood

tomorrow around 9:00,

so he's gonna stop in front of your building

so he's gonna stop in front of your building

if you want to come down and say hello.

[GASPS]

All right, Ma. I'll talk to you later.

[SILLY MUSIC PLAYING] Nothing.

I'm watching Tiny Toons here on Nickelodeon.

It's, uh-- I like kid shows.

They have a very innocent, wholesome quality.

Okay. All right. I'll talk to you later.

Bye.

That's good, that's good.

That's very, very good.

Well, it's hot in there.

It's hot in there, so just walk around.

Yeah. That's good.

Don't be ashamed. Don't be ashamed.

Don't be ashamed. Don't be ashamed.

That's good. That's good.

Yes, yes, yes.

Mm-hmm.

♪ The wheels of the bus Go round and round ♪

♪ Round and round Round and round ♪

♪ The wheels On the bus... ♪

♪ The woman across the block Has nothing on... ♪

♪ The woman Across the block... ♪

♪ The windshield wipers Go whish, whish, whish ♪

♪ Nothing on Nothing on... ♪

♪ Whish, whish, whish... ♪

All you got is instant coffee?

Why don't you get some real coffee?

I don't keep real coffee in here.

I get my coffee on the outside!

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Yeah?! It's Elaine.

Come on up!

Where did you get those socks? I don't know.

I think those are my socks.

How are these your socks?

I don't know, but those are my socks!

I had a pair just like that with the blue stripe,

and now I don't have them anymore.

Right. When you fell asleep one day on the sofa,

Right. When you fell asleep one day on the sofa,

and I took them off your stinking feet.

They looked so good to me, I had to have them!

Yeah, well, they're my socks!

They're my socks!

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. What are we doing here?

This is ridiculous.

Can you believe this? We're fighting. We're fighting!

I haven't been myself lately.

I've been snapping at everybody lately.

Me too! I'm yelling at strangers on the street.

Hello.

You caved?

It's over?

You're out?

Oh, my God. The queen is dead.

I figured you'd cruise, at least through the spring.

What happened?

It was, uh...

John-John.

Ohhhh... Ohhhh...

John-John. John-John.

But you made it through the day before.

Yeah, but yesterday, he told Joyce, the aerobics teacher,

that he wants to meet me outside here at 9:00 tonight.

that he wants to meet me outside here at 9:00 tonight.

Why outside here?

Because he thinks I live here.

Remember when we shared that cab?

He dropped me off out in front.

He's picking me up.

All right, Costanza.

It's you and me.

And then...

there were two.

[SNIFFS]

Elaine Benes-Kennedy Junior.

[MARLA MOANING]

Let's go in the bedroom.

Really?

Yes.

You sure?

Yes!

You really want to?

I do. I'm ready.

Okay.

I know how difficult this must've been for you.

You don't know the half of it.

What do you mean?

Well, it's kind of silly, but--

Contest?! A contest!

This is what you do with your friends?

This is what you do with your friends?

Well, no, it was just a bet.

I mean, it actually started with George and his mother.

I don't want to hear another word.

And to think how close I came

to you being the one.

I must've been out of my mind!

Marla. Hi.

Oh, I'm glad I ran into you.

I don't want to have anything to do with you

I don't want to have anything to do with you

or your perverted friends.

What? Ooh! Get away from me!

You're horrible, horrible, all of you!

ELAINE: What happened?

I told her about the contest.

Oh, boy. She's a wacko.

Hey, what happened?

What?

Thought you were meeting Kennedy.

Ah. He didn't show.

Yeah, he did.

What? He's-- He's out there?

Oh, my God. I gotta go.

No, no, no. He just left.

What?

Yeah, he was out there talking to Marla.

Yeah, he was out there talking to Marla.

Marla?

Yeah, you know, she was, like, crying,

and he was consoling her,

and then she got into his car,

and they just drove away.

He left with Marla the Virgin?

Yeah.

They drove away?

Yeah. Drove away.

You know, I said hello to him, you know.

Oh, my God in heaven.

[GASPS]

Is that...?

Kramer?!

[GASPS]

He's waving.

Oh, John...

that was wonderful.

that was wonderful.

Men want to see women naked.

Whatever it is that you won't show us,

that's what we're obsessed with seeing.

I mean, if women always wore hats in public,

all the time,

you'd see men buying Playhead magazine.

You know... Skulls of the Big 10.

This would be the only thing that what we're interested in.

Let's start worrying about these cultures,

like in National Geographic,

where everybody's naked?

You know, you see all these peop--

What are the men in these cultures

trying to look at when the women walk by?

How could you have a strip club in a place like that?

Woman goes on stage, takes off the necklace,

Woman goes on stage, takes off the necklace,

takes out the nose ring. That's it, show's over.

The men are in the audience going,

"Boy, did you see that little indentation there

"in the top of her lip?

I told you, man, this place is hot!"