Original subtitles

My parents had two constant arguments

while they were driving,

over either how fast my father was going,

or how much gas was left in the tank.

My father had a standard defense

for either one of these. It was always,

"That's because you're looking at it

from an angle."

[LAUGHTER]

If you were over here--

it looks from where you're sitting,

it looks like I'm doing 90 on empty,

[LAUGHTER]

but that's because you're over there.

If you were over here,

If you were over here,

you'd know I'm in the driveway with a full tank.

JERRY: So George and I went up to NBC,

and we told them the idea for the series,

and now we're just waiting to sign the contract.

And they liked the idea? Yeah.

What do you got, leather seats here?

Since when is George a writer?

What writer? It's a sitcom.

This is so exciting.

When are you going to sign the contract?

Soon. There's a couple of problems.

Jerry, I wanna tell you, that meal was the worst.

What do you expect?

It's airline food.

They give you that fish.

How could you eat fish on a plane?

Because she puts up such a big stink

every time I have a piece of meat.

What kind of problems?

What kind of problems?

Well, George doesn't think $13,000 is enough money.

What? He's not even working.

George is right.

Those people will try to get away with murder.

Believe me, they're all crooks.

Jerry, I want you to sign that contract.

We're gonna sign it!

In fact, George is out

with the woman from NBC right now.

GEORGE: So I'm...

I'm afraid we're gonna have to pass.

You're-- You're passing?

Well, it's much too low.

Are you and Jerry in complete agreement on this?

[SCOFFS, SNORTS]

Yeah, we've talked.

Yeah, we've talked.

I believe I can speak for the both of us on this.

Because you know

that because this is your first show,

it's a pretty standard deal.

Standard?

Yeah.

Is Ted Danson's deal standard?

Ted Danson?

The guy from Cheers. Yeah, I know who he is.

You're not Ted Danson.

I didn't say I was Ted Danson.

All right.

I'll tell Russell tomorrow.

You tell Russell.

Oh, um, before I forget.

Oh, um, before I forget.

Cuban cigars.

It's a present from my father.

Do I have to write him a note or something?

Yeah, I'm sure he'd appreciate that.

Well, what would I say in the note?

Oh, you're a writer.

You'll think of something.

Oh.

[SNORTS, LAUGHS]

Yeah, I'm a writer.

I forgot.

Were you waiting long at the gate?

Um, I don't even know.

Where's that watch we bought you?

Where's that watch we bought you?

Oh, uh...

That's it for this piece of junk.

I've had it.

Is that the one your parents gave you?

Yeah, but it never works.

It's...being fixed.

I got a guarantee on that watch.

Give it to me. I'll take it back.

It's at the jeweler. You send me the bill.

I'm not sending you the bill.

That watch was a gift.

You shouldn't have to pay for it.

That's 18.50.

Here, I got it.

What are you talking about?

It's my car. Let me pay for the gas.

No, no, put it away. Dad.

Stop it! I have money. I make money.

Yeah, yeah, you make money.

Yeah, yeah, you make money.

You don't think I make money.

That's what you think, isn't it?

No, I don't think that.

Yes, you do, that's what you both think.

I'm paying. Dad, I'm paying.

Get out of here.

You're not paying.

Now, Jerry, please,

do not do this to your father.

Over my dead body, Jerry,

I'm telling you right now.

You're not gonna do it.

Boy, you got a lot of stuff here.

Dad, what are you doing?

Nothing. Nothing.

Leave it. What about your back?

Morty, what are you doing?

All right. All right.

All right. All right.

You come all the way up here

to see a back specialist,

and you're lifting heavy suitcases.

Hey, Morty.

Hey, Mr. Kramer!

Good to see you.

Ah, Mrs. Seinfeld.

Hi.

Oh, what happened to you?

Oh, well, some guy kicked me in the side of the head.

What guy?

Crazy Joe Davola.

Why?

Well, I was having this party,

and I didn't invite him,

and then Jerry tipped him off.

Why'd you tell this crazy guy

Why'd you tell this crazy guy

that Kramer didn't invite him to his party?

I didn't know he wasn't invited.

Hey, these are very comfortable pants.

You know what I paid for these, Jerry?

So why did you say anything?

It was a mistake.

They're good around the house,

and they're good for outside.

Are you okay?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I was a little off last week,

huh, Jerry?

Yeah, but doctor says it's just a slight concussion.

So what's the matter with this Davola guy?

He's got, like, a chemical imbalance.

He's got, like, a chemical imbalance.

He needs to be on medication.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

He's after Jerry now.

Kramer...

He's what?

He's joking.

He's after you?

No!

Why is he after you?

He's not after me.

Morty, do you hear this?

Some crazy guy is after Jerry.

I'll make a few phone calls.

Who are you gonna call?

What are you worried about?

I want to know what you did that he's after you.

I didn't do anything.

Well, you must've done something.

No, he just doesn't like me.

Doesn't like you?

How could anyone not like you?

How could anyone not like you?

I know. It seems impossible.

Doesn't...doesn't like you.

How could that be?

Ma, I know this may be hard for you to understand,

but I'm sure

there are many people who do not like me.

[GASPS]

Jerry, don't say that.

It's true.

No, it isn't.

It's not true.

You're a wonderful, wonderful boy.

Everybody likes you.

It's impossible not to like you.

Impossible. Morty?

Maybe some people don't like him. I can see that.

Kramer?

Kramer?

Yeah, I like him...

Hey, Jerry, what time you got?

Uh...I haven't got my watch on.

It's being fixed.

When are you getting it back?

Uh...next week.

Next week?

How come it's taking so long?

Huh?

I said, how come it's taking so long?

I don't know.

They're backed up.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Where did you take it?

Where did I take it?

Yeah.

Where did I take it?

Um...to that place on Columbus and 85th.

Okay?

What, Jimmy Sherman?

Yeah. Yeah.

I know the guy. I take my stuff in there all the time.

Bet I can get your watch back by tomorrow morning.

No, Kramer,

I don't want you to say anything to him.

No, I'd be happy to.

He's a friend of mine.

I'd like to follow the regular procedures.

I'd like to follow the regular procedures.

I don't want any special treatment.

Hey, I'm gonna get that watch back for you

by tomorrow, buddy, you'll see.

Bring me the receipt.

I'll get that too.

Be right back.

[WHISPERING]: Look, there's no watch.

I threw it

in the garbage can on the street.

It didn't keep good time.

My parents gave it to me, but I didn't like it,

so don't mention it again, okay?

Yeah, all right. All right.

Wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait, wait.

[MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY]

What was that about?

Oh, no.

He's got my calamine lotion...

And I told him not to return it.

If he needs it, he should keep it.

He's got a thing on his...ankle.

How could anyone not like him?

Hi. Morty Seinfeld.

I have a 2:00 appointment.

Yes, Mr. Seinfeld. Would you please fill this out.

All this?

This whole thing?

It's gonna take me 45 minutes.

I know. It's very long.

Look at this.

It's a book.

"Employer's address."

Why do they need this?

You know, I never had a back problem

You know, I never had a back problem

until that night I slept on the convertible sofa.

My back was fine.

Oh, it's not the sofa.

You stick up for that sofa

like I'm criticizing a person.

We got it from Sullivan's.

It's a good store.

Well, one day,

somebody's gonna sleep on that thing,

and we'll get sued.

I hope this doctor knows what he's doing.

Leo says he's the best there is.

Leo.

I'm listening to Leo now.

You're lucky he was able to get you this appointment.

You know what the waiting list is for this guy?

You know what the waiting list is for this guy?

Well, if he fixes my back,

I'll be happy.

"Have you ever had

a sexually transmitted disease?"

That's it.

Here. You got my name.

You got my address.

That's enough.

Julie...

you wanna take him back?

JERRY: You what?

You passed?

How could you do that?

Jerry, my young friend...

You're so naive.

You are so, so naive.

You know about a few things.

You know about comedy,

a little bit about relationships,

some baseball,

but you are so far out of your element here,

you're embarrassing yourself.

Now, listen to me.

I'm negotiating.

Negotiation.

Negotiation.

This is what you do in business.

Let me explain to you what you just did.

There are literally hundreds of people

trying to get pilot deals

with them this year.

They go with maybe five, okay?

If we pass, that's it.

They go to the next show.

Ooh, I'm scared.

Oh, they're not gonna do the show.

We're lucky

they're even interested in the idea

in the first place.

We got a show about nothing...

We got a show about nothing...

with no story.

What do you think, they're up there going,

"Hey, maybe we should give those two guys

"who have no experience and no idea

more money"?

Oh, what are we gonna do?

I'm shaking.

I'm shaking.

Well, I think you're wrong.

Well, we'll just see. Yes, we will.

Yes, we will.

I just said that. I know you did.

So good for you. So good for you.

What, are you repeating everything I'm saying?

What, are you repeating everything I'm saying?

Well, George is an idiot. Well, Geor--

Well, George is an idiot. Well, Geor--

All right.

All right, let's go already!

They keep you in here a year.

They don't give a damn.

I could die in here.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

What's going on?

I'm here 20 minutes.

Can somebody please help me?

Shh!

Quiet. Everyone can hear you.

Twenty minutes, I've been waiting 20 minutes.

Twenty minutes, I've been waiting 20 minutes.

Well, the doctor must be busy.

Well, then, what do they make appointments for

if they can't keep them?

Look, if I did that in my business,

I wouldn't have made a nickel.

Hello, Mr. Seinfeld.

I thought you forgot about me.

We didn't forget.

[VELCRO RIPS, MORTY SCREAMS]

What?

The Velcro.

I can't stand Velcro, that tearing sound.

I used to be in raincoats.

I refused to put that in any of my lines.

Okay, Mr. Seinfeld,

please come this way.

please come this way.

We need some X-rays.

Leave all my stuff here?

Leave it.

Oh, hey,

by the way,

you want a box of Cuban cigars?

I smoked one last night.

I got nauseous.

No, I don't want them.

I'll take it.

No, I'll take it.

What is it?

Here you go.

What, cigars?

Yeah. Cubans. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Cubans. Oh, yeah?

Yeah, the kind that Castro smoked.

You can't buy them anywhere.

Castro, huh?

[IMITATES SPANISH]

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Yeah?

WOMAN: Federal Express.

Federal Express?

Come on up.

Federal Express? I'm not expecting a package.

[SIGHS]

You know what you just did?

You let a burglar in the building.

You think so?

Federal Express? Of course.

That's the oldest trick in the book.

That's the oldest trick in the book.

You know, it might not be a burglar.

It could be a murderer.

So you wanna just abolish all home package delivery?

Yes.

It's dangerous.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Wait.

Who is it?

WOMAN: Federal Express.

Okay...

[ALL SCREAM]

I want one of those.

Kramer!

Oh, God!

I thought you were in California.

Well, I came back for you.

Oh, shut up.

I missed you.

Really, you missed me?

Yeah, seriously.

Yeah, yeah. Me too, miss.

I missed.

Yeah, big missing going on around here.

I'll be right back. I'm gonna get a match.

Oh, God.

Whose suitcase is this?

Oh, it's my parents'.

My father came up to see a back specialist.

Oh, God,

it's probably from sleeping on that sofa.

it's probably from sleeping on that sofa.

Boy, you look really great. Yeah.

You lie.

No, no, you really look great.

[LAUGHS]

So tell us about the trip.

How's Dr. Reston?

Oh, he's fine.

Things are good?

Yeah. You know.

Uh-oh.

What, uh-oh?

Did you see that?

Yeah, I saw it.

What?

It's a tell. You got a tell.

What tell?

What's a tell?

When you ask someone about their relationship,

and they touch their face,

you know it's not going too well.

you know it's not going too well.

Go ahead. Ask me how it's going with somebody.

Um...how's it going with Alice?

Good. Going good...

And the higher up on the face you go,

the worse the relationship is getting.

You know, it's, like,

pretty good...not bad...

I gotta get out.

How high did I go?

You almost hit the nose.

What, are you eating my peanut butter out of the jar

What, are you eating my peanut butter out of the jar

with your disgusting index fingers?

This is a sickening display.

What? I'm not eating bread now.

I'm off bread.

You're off bread.

So, what happened?

Is it over?

No, not quite.

Why not?

Well, he was my psychiatrist, you know?

I mean, he knows all my patterns.

He knows that in relationships

that I always try to find some reason to leave,

and so he says, as my doctor, he can't allow me do this,

so he's not letting me leave.

What do you mean, not letting you?

What do you mean, not letting you?

He has this power over me, okay?

I mean, he has this way of manipulating

every little word that I say.

He's like a "Svenjolly."

"Svengali."

What did I say?

"Svenjolly."

"Svenjolly?"

I did not say "Svenjolly."

George? "Svenjolly."

I don't see how I could've said "Svenjolly."

Well, maybe he's got, like, a cheerful mental hold on you.

You know, I can't find a match anywhere.

You know what you should do?

You should tell this guy you're seeing somebody else--

easiest way to get out of these things.

No, it's not gonna work with this guy.

GEORGE: No, you just tell him...

an old boyfriend's come back into your life.

I don't think so.

Nice try.

Took a shot.

It's a good cigar.

[SCREAMS]

So when do I get to see the doctor?

He'll be in with the X-rays

in a few minutes.

You can get dressed.

He stole my wallet.

The bum stole my wallet.

My wallet's gone!

My wallet's gone!

I had my wallet in my back pocket.

It's gone.

It's gone.

Are you sure? Yes, I'm sure.

I went in to get my X-rays. Somebody takes my wallet.

Is that the operation here?

Mr. Seinfeld, I'm Dr. Dembrow.

I've been going over your X-rays.

I'm not interested in the X-rays.

I want my money back.

Somebody stole my wallet.

I had $225 in there.

I don't see how something like that could've happened.

Oh, you don't see.

You don't see.

Well, it happened, believe me.

What's going on?

They stole my wallet.

What? Yeah, while I was in getting X-rayed.

All right, Mr. Seinfeld,

I am sorry about your wallet,

but would you like me to look over these X-rays?

but would you like me to look over these X-rays?

What kind of clip joint you running here?

All right. Fine.

The least you could have done

was heard your diagnosis.

I'm not interested in his diagnosis.

He's a bum.

You came all the way from Florida to see him.

I wanna know what kind of an office is this

where you can't leave your pants in the room.

You tell me.

I'm sorry,

but there's somebody else.

Mm-hmm.

Well, it's nothing I planned on happening,

you know?

It just kind of happened.

Tell me about him.

Well...

There's not really much to tell, you know?

He's just a guy, really.

Yes, well, I assume he's a guy...

Right.

And you've known him how long?

Years...

Many years.

We've been close friends,

and then recently, something just, you know--

Ahh-- happened.

You mean sexually?

You mean sexually?

Yeah. Yeah.

Sexually.

[TELEPHONE BUZZES]

I think your, um...

Excuse me.

Yes?

Oh, yes, Bobo.

No, it's just east of Madison.

Around four would be fine.

All right, Bobo.

See you then.

I'm sorry.

Where were we?

Well, I was just telling you about this other guy.

Elaine.

Yeah?

Do you remember your dream

where you had a sexual encounter with a Chinese woman?

Yeah.

[COUGHS]

Mm-hmm.

Elaine, I'm concerned about you.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Don't concern yourself with me, because I'm good.

I'm very good.

I mean, I'm really very, very good.

I mean, I'm really very, very good.

Elaine...

Have you been urinating a lot again?

No.

And how often have you been seeing, um...

I'm sorry.

What is his name?

His name?

Yes. His name.

Well, what's the difference?

Are you afraid to tell me his name?

No, no, I just don't really see how that's relevant.

It doesn't matter if you don't see how.

It doesn't matter if you don't see how.

I see how.

Uh, his name.

I don't even know.

All right, you wanna know his name?

I'll tell you his name.

His name is...Kramer.

Kramer.

Is that his first name or his last name?

You know,

I'm really uncomfortable talking about this.

Elaine, I want you to do me a favor.

What?

I want you to tell this young man

to give me a call.

It's very important that I speak to him.

Oh, no, no, no, I can't do that.

Oh, no, no, no, I can't do that.

You can do it, and you will do it.

No, I can't.

You can, and you will.

Okay, okay,

I'll have Kramer give you a call.

So you didn't even let the doctor treat you?

I wouldn't give him the satisfaction.

Why did you leave your wallet in your pants?

What are you talking about?

What, was I supposed to hide it somewhere?

You could've taken it with you.

Oh, yeah. I'll be lying on an X-ray table

with my wallet in my mouth.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Hi, Uncle Leo.

I just spoke to Dr. Dembrow's son.

He said they almost had to call the police.

What are you talking about?

I'm the one who should've called the police.

They stole my wallet.

You know how hard it was for me

to get that appointment for you?

You can't just walk in on this guy.

He did me a personal favor...

All right, Leo.

And you walked out without paying.

How was I supposed to pay?

I didn't have my wallet.

Well, I hope you send him a check.

What for?

What for?

What for?

This man was nice enough to see you.

He did me a personal favor.

That's the second time you said personal favor.

Why do you keep saying that?

I said it once.

Twice...

and Dembrow doesn't even know you.

His son happens to live on your floor.

Leo, where did you get that watch?

You know where I got this?

I found it in the garbage can.

It kept terrible time.

It kept terrible time.

I brought it over to Jimmy Sherman

right here on 85th and Columbus.

Gave it to me back the next day.

Works great.

What kind of an idiot

throws away a perfectly good watch?

Doesn't that watch look like the one that we gave Jerry?

Hey, where's the waiter?

Dad, what do you say,

we have some red meat tonight?

Let's live a little.

Let's see that.

Could we continue this another time?

Don't you hate "to be continueds" on TV?

It's horrible when you sense the "to be continued" coming,

you know?

You're watching the show.

You're into the story.

Then there's, like, five minutes left,

and suddenly you realize,

"Hey, they can't make it.

"Timmy's still stuck in the cave.

There's no way they wrap this up in five minutes."

I mean, the whole reason you watch a TV show

is because it ends.

If I wanted a long, boring story with no point to it,

I have my life.

A comedian can't do that.

A comedian can't do that.

See, I can't go,

"A man walks into a bar with a pig under his arm.

Can you come back next week?"