All language subtitles for Seinfeld.S04E03E04.The.Pitch.The.Ticket.720p.HULU.WEBRip.AAC2.0.H.264-NTb

Parents like to drag kids
to these, uh,

historical sites on vacation.

I remember going
to Colonial Williamsburg,

and you see the supposedly
authentic blacksmith there.

You know, he's got
the three-cornered hat

and the knickers
and the Def Leppard T-shirt.

My parents took me
to the Amish country,

which, to a kid, you know,
to see a bunch of people

that have no cars,
no TV, no phone,

they go,
"So what? Neither do I."

So it's a whole community
that's been grounded.

And that's the way
they should punish the kids

after they take them home.

after they take them home.

"All right, son,
get up to your room.

"That's it. I've had it.

"You are Amish, young man,
for the rest of this weekend.

"Did you hear me? Amish.

"And don't come down

till you make some noodles
and raise a barn."

So they have
a tour guide.

He takes you around,

shows you
the battlefield,

gives you a little bit
of the history.

Wow. How far
is Gettysburg?

I'd like
to go there.

About three hours.

MAN:
Tommy, you're on.

Gotta go.
Have a good set.

What'd they do
for toilet paper

in the Civil War?

What?

I wonder what toilet paper
was like in the 1860s.

Did they--?
Did they carry it

in rolls
in their duffel bags?

in rolls
in their duffel bags?

Everything with you
comes down to toilet paper.

What?

That's always
the first question with you.

Why is that
always your focus?

All right, then,
what did they do?

I don't know.

Maybe they gave out
big loose clumps

to all the soldiers.

Well, I think
it would be nice

if there was some sort of
historical record of it.

Maybe they should have
a toilet paper museum.

Would you like that?

So we could see

all the toilet paper
advancements

down through the ages:

toilet paper
during the Crusades,

the development
of the perforation,

the first six-pack.

the first six-pack.

Excuse me, Jerry?

I'm Stu Shirmack.
I'm from NBC.

Oh.

Could we speak
for a few moments?

Sure. Sure.

Hi. Jay Crespi.

Hello.

Uh, C-R-E-S-P-I.

That's right.

I'm unbelievable
at spelling last names.

Gimme a last name.

Uh, I'm not
really--

George...huh?

[QUIETLY]
All right. Fine.

First of all,

that was a terrific show.

Oh, thank you very much.

Oh, thank you very much.

And basically I just
wanted to let you know

that we've been
discussing you

at some
of our meetings,

and we'd be very interested
in doing something.

Really? Wow!

So if you had an idea
for, like, uh,

a TV show
for yourself...

Well, we'd just love
to talk about it.

I'd be very interested
in something like that.

Well, here.

Why don't you
give us a call,

and maybe we can,
uh, develop a series?

Okay. Great. Thanks.

It was very nice meeting you.

Thank you.

Nice meeting you.

Nice meeting you.

Nice meeting you.

What was that
all about?

They said they were
interested in me.

For what?

You know, a TV show.

Your own show?

Yeah, I guess so.

[SCOFFS]

They want you
to do a TV show?

Well, they want me
to come up with an idea.

I mean,
I don't have any ideas.

Come on.
How hard is that?

Look at all the junk
that's on TV.

All right, you want an idea?
Here's an idea.

You coach a gymnastics team
in high school,

and you're married,

and your son is not interested
in gymnastics,

and your son is not interested
in gymnastics,

and you're pushing him
into gymnastics.

Why should I care
if my son's into gymnastics?

'Cause you're
the gymnastics teacher.

It's only natural.

But gymnastics
is not for everybody.

I know, but he's your son!

So what?

All right,
forget that idea.

It's not for you.

Okay, okay, okay.
I got it.

You run an antique store.

Yeah? And?

And people come
into the store,

and you get involved
in their lives.

What person
who runs an antique store

What person
who runs an antique store

gets involved
in peoples lives?

Why not?

So someone comes in
to buy an old lamp,

and suddenly I'm getting them
out of a jam?

I could see
if I was a pharmacist,

'cause a pharmacist knows

what's wrong with everybody
that comes in.

I know, but antiques
are very popular right now.

No, they're not.
They used to be.

Oh, sure.
Like you know.

Oh, like you do?

And you're the manager
of the circus.

A circus?

Oh, come on!
This is a great idea.

Oh, come on!
This is a great idea.

I mean, look at
the characters.

You got all these freaks
in the show.

A woman
with a moustache.

I mean,
who wouldn't tune in

to see a woman
with a moustache?

You got the tallest man
in the world.

A guy who's just a head.

"Hee hee,
ha, fleggy."

I don't think so.

Look, Jerry, the show
isn't about the circus.

It's about
watching freaks.

I don't think the network
would go for it.

Why not?

Look, I'm not pitching
a show about freaks.

Oh, come on, Jerry!
You're wrong.

People, they wanna
watch freaks.

This is a "can't miss"!

Kramer.

[FLATLY]
Hello, Newman.

[FLATLY]
Hello, Newman.

Come on, let's go.
I got the helmet.

Go get
the radar detector.

Okay. Okay, all right.
I'll be back in a second.

Hey, you guys coming
to my party?

Yeah.
Sure.
Yeah!

What's this
all about?

We're making a trade.

I'm giving him
my motorcycle helmet,

he's giving me
his radar detector.

I didn't know
you have a motorcycle.

Well, my girlfriend had one.

You have a girlfriend?

I had a girlfriend.

And she was pretty wild.

I don't remember you
with a girl.

Nevertheless.

Nevertheless.

This is a pretty bad deal
for Kramer.

You know,
a radar detector's

worth much more
than that helmet.

I think
you're cheating him.

Don't say anything.

All right.

Hey, you know, you're
getting gypped over here.

Really? Ah.

Hey! We had a deal.

Are you reneging
out of the deal?

Are you reneging?
That's a renege.

Oh, stop saying
"reneging."

Well,
you're reneging.

I-- Okay, okay,
I'm not reneging.

All right.
Give it to me.

All right, let go.

No, you let go.

No, you let go.

Come on.
Count of three.

Give me that.
Just give me that.

...break it.

Here. Idiots.

Thanks, buddy. So long.

Does that thing
work?

Nah.

JERRY:
Did I tell you

I got a postcard
from Elaine?

Really?
Yeah.

They're in London now.

They'll be back
in a few weeks.

Pssh. I can't believe

she got involved
with her shrink.

So, what's happening
with the TV show?

You come up with anything?

You come up with anything?

No. Nothing.

Why don't they have salsa
on the table?

What do you need salsa for?

Salsa is now the number one
condiment in America.

Do you know why?

Because people like to say
"salsa."

"Excuse me,
do you have any salsa?"

"We need more salsa."

"Where's the salsa? No salsa?"

You know, it must be
impossible for a
Spanish person

to order seltzer
and not get salsa.

"I wanted 'selsa,' not salsa!"

"Don't you know the difference
between selsa and salsa?"

"Don't you know the difference
between selsa and salsa?"

"You have the selsa
after the salsa."

See? This should be the show.

This is the show.

What?

This. Just talking.

Yeah. Right.

No, I'm really serious.
I think that's a good idea.

Just talking?
Well, what's the show about?

It's about nothing.

No story?

No, forget
the story.

You gotta
have a story.

Who says you gotta
have a story?

Who says you gotta
have a story?

Remember when we were waiting
for that table

in that Chinese restaurant
that time?

That could be a TV show.

And who's on the show?
Who are the characters?

I could be a character.

You?

Yeah, you base a character
on me.

So on the show,

there's a character
named George Costanza?

Yeah.

What, there's something wrong
with that?

I'm a character.

People are always
saying to me,

"You know,
you're quite a character."

And who else is on the show?

Elaine could be a character.

Elaine could be a character.

Kramer.

Now, he's a character.
[LAUGHS] Yeah.

So everybody I know
is a character on the show.

Right.

And it's about nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

So you're saying I go into NBC

and tell them
I got this idea

for a show about nothing.

We go into NBC.

We?

Since when are you a writer?

What writer?
We're talking about a sitcom.

You want to go with me to NBC?

Yeah, I think we really
got something here.

What do we got?
An idea.

What do we got?
An idea.

What idea?
An idea for the show.

I still don't know
what the idea is.

It's about nothing.

Right.

Everybody's
doing something.

We'll do nothing.

So we go
into NBC,

we tell them we got an idea
for a show about nothing.

Exactly.
They say,

"What's your show about?"
I say, "Nothing."

There you go.

I think you may
have something here.

JERRY:
So the show would be
about my real life,

and one of the characters
would be based on you.

No. I don't think so.

No. I don't think so.

What do you mean,
you don't think so?

I don't like it.

I don't understand.

What don't you like about it?

I don't like the idea of
a character based on me.

Why not?

I don't know. It just
doesn't sit well.

You're my neighbor. There's
got to be a character
based on you.

That's your problem,
buddy.

I don't understand
what the big deal is.

Okay, you can do it
on one condition.

Whatever you want.

I get to play Kramer.

You can't play Kramer.

I am Kramer!

But you can't act.

Whoo!

Whoo!

Okay, fine,
we'll use Newman.

Newman?

Use me for what?

[FLATLY]
Nothing.
What do you want?

Well, you'll never guess
what happened to me today.

I was driving home
on the Palisades Parkway

when I look
in the rearview mirror,

and what did I see? The fuzz.

And it's funny,

because my new
radar detector was on,

but I didn't
hear a thing.

Isn't that strange?

Yeah, that's strange.

Because
the radar detector,

Because
the radar detector,

as I understand it,
detects radar!

With a series of beeps
and flashing lights!

But oddly,
for some reason,

I didn't hear a thing,

except for the sound
of a police siren.

Well, that's queer, huh?

I want my helmet back!

You give me back my helmet,

and you're gonna pay
for that ticket.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
You better think again,
MoJumbo.

You gave me
a defective detector. Jerry?

Buyer beware.

Are you gonna give me back
that helmet?

No. We had a deal.

There's no guarantees in life.

There's no guarantees in life.

No, but there's karma, Kramer.

"Karma Kramer"?

And one more thing.

I'm not coming to your party.

[SPANISH ACCENT]
Salsa. Selsa.

Excuse me,
do you have any salsa?

No, not selsa. Salsa.

What's the matter?

Nothing.

You sure?

You look
a little pale.

No. I'm fine.
I'm good.

No. I'm fine.
I'm good.

Fine. Very good.

What,
are you nervous?

No. Not nervous.

I'm good.
I'm very good.

[CHUCKLES]

I can't do this.
I can't do this.

What?
I can't do this.
I can't do it.

I tried. I'm here.
It's impossible.

This was your idea.

What idea?
I just said something.

I didn't know you were
gonna listen to me.

Don't worry
about it.

They're just
TV executives.

They're men with jobs, Jerry!

They wear suits
and ties!

They're married.

They have
secretaries!

They have
secretaries!

I told you not to come.

I need some water.
I gotta get some water.

They'll give us water
in there.

Really?

That's pretty good.

[WHISPERS]
Oh, God. It's Joe Davola.

Who?

This guy's a writer.
He's a total nut.

I think he goes to
the same shrink as Elaine.

Oh, God. He saw me.

Hello, Jerry.

Hey, Joe.

Hey, Joe.

How you doing?

You're under no obligation
to shake my hand.

Oh, no. Just a custom.

That's my friend, George.
You look good.

Why shouldn't I look good?

No. No reason.

You're into karate, right?

You want to hit me?

What are you doing here?

I dropped a script off.

Oh. Good for you.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Well...

You don't have
to say anything.

No, uh...

Hey, uh, I guess I'll
see you Sunday night.

Why?

Kramer's party.

Kramer's...

having a party?

No. No, he's not
having a party.

Uh, he's doing
something.

I don't what it is.
It's nothing.

He's not
doing anything.

Gee, I thought Kramer and I
were very close friends.

No, I'm sure you are.

I'm sure
you're very close friends.

Very close.

Very close.

Give my best to Hinckley.

What was that?

I can't believe
what I just did.

I didn't know
Kramer didn't invite him.

I gotta call Kramer.

They're ready for you.

Okay. Okay. Look.

You do all
the talking, okay?

Oh, relax.
Who are they?

Yeah. They're not
better than me.

Of course not.

Who are they?

They're nobody.

What about me?

What about you?

What about you?

Why them?
Why not me?

Why not you?

I'm just as good
as them.
Better.

Yeah. You really
think so?

No.

[LAUGHTER]

The bit--
The bit I really liked

was where the parakeet
flew into the mirror.

That's funny.

[LAUGHING]

The parakeet
in the mirror.

That is a good one,
Stu.

Yeah, one of
my favorites.

What about you, George?

Have you written anything
we might know?

[LAUGHING SLOWLY STOPS]

Well, possibly.
I, um...

Well, possibly.
I, um...

I-- I wrote
an off-Broadway, uh,

show, uh...
La Cocina.

Actually,

it was off-off...
uh, Broadway.

It was, uh...
[CHUCKLES]

a comedy...
about a Mexican chef.

JERRY:
It was very funny.

There was one
great scene

with the chef--
um...

What was his name?

Pepe.

Oh, Pepe. Yes. Pepe.

And he was making
tamales.

Oh, he actually
cooked on the stage?

Oh, he actually
cooked on the stage?

Uh...no, no,
he mimed it.

That's what was so funny
about it.

[LAUGHING]

So, what have you two
come up with?

Well, we thought about this
in a variety of ways,

but the basic idea is,

I would play my--
Ahem, may I?

Go ahead.

I think I can sum up
the show for you

with one word...

nothing.

Nothing?

Nothing.

What does that mean?

The show
is about...

The show
is about...

nothing.

Well, it's not
about nothing.

No, it's about
nothing.

Well, maybe
in philosophy,

but even nothing
is something.

[DOOR OPENS]
SECRETARY: Mr. Dalrymple,

your niece
is on the phone.

I'll call back.

Uh, D-A-L-
R-I-M-P-E-L.

Not even close.

Is that with a Y?

No.

What's the premise?

JERRY: Well,
as I was saying,

I would play myself,
and, uh,

I would play myself,
and, uh,

as a comedian
living in New York,

and I have a friend
and a neighbor

and an ex-girlfriend,

which is all true.

Yeah, but nothing
happens on the show.

You see,
it's just like life.

You know, you eat,
you go shopping,

you read, you eat,

you read,
you go shopping.

You read?

You read on the show?

Well, I don't know
about the reading.

We didn't discuss
the reading.

All right,
tell me about the stories.

What kind of stories?

Oh, no.
No stories.

Oh, no.
No stories.

No stories?
No.

So, what is it?

What did you
do today?

I got up and came to work.

There's a show.
That's a show.

How is that a show?

Well, uh, maybe
something happens to you

on the way to work.

No. No. No!
Nothing happens!

Well, something
happens.

Well, why am I watching it?

Because it's on TV.

Not yet.

Ahem. Okay, uh...look.

Ahem. Okay, uh...look.

If you want to just
keep doing

the same old thing,

then maybe this idea
is not for you.

I, for one,

am not going to
compromise

my artistic
integrity.

And I'll tell you
something else.

This is the show,

and we are not
gonna change it.

[SNAPS FINGERS]

Right?

How about this?

I manage a circus...

I manage a circus...

I don't even want to
talk about it anymore.

What were you
thinking?

What was going on
in your mind?

"Artistic integrity."

Well, wh-wh-where did
you come up with that?

You're not artistic

and you have
no integrity.

You know, you really
need some help,

but a regular psychiatrist
couldn't even help you.

You need to go to, like,
Vienna or something.

You know
what I mean?

You need to get involved
at the university level,

You need to get involved
at the university level,

like, where Freud studied,

and have all those people
looking at you

and checking up on you.

That's the kind of help
you need,

not the once-a-week
for 80 bucks.

No. You need a team,

a team
of psychiatrists

working round the clock,
thinking about you.

Having conferences.

Observing you,

like the way they did
with the Elephant Man.

That's what I'm talking
about,

because that's the only way
you're gonna get better.

I thought the woman
was kind of cute.

I thought the woman
was kind of cute.

Hold it.

I really want to
be clear about this.

Are you talking about
the woman in the meeting?

Is that the woman
you're talking about?

Yeah.

I thought
I might give her a call.

I-- I don't meet
that many women.

I meet, like,
three women a year.

I mean, we've been introduced.
She knows my name.

It's completely inappropriate!

Why?

Maybe she liked me.

I mean, she was looking
right at me.

You know, I think
she was impressed.

We had
good eye contact

through the whole
meeting.

through the whole
meeting.

Oh, I forgot
to call Kramer.

Oh, well, wait a minute.
Let me call Susan.

No, no, this
is more important.

Well, she might be
leaving the work any minute.

No, I gotta warn him

that I told Joe Davola
about his party.

No.

What is it?

I was just thinking

about this patient
of mine.

What?

Just wondering

if he's taking
his medication.

Oh, come on.
We're on vacation.

Oh, come on.
We're on vacation.

JERRY:
Well, we were standing

in the waiting
area there,

and you know
how Davola is.

He's all--

[DOOR BUZZING]

Yeah?

It's George.

What is it?

And so I felt
very uncomfortable with him,

and, you know,
I just blurted out

something
about your party.

Whoa. Back up a second.

Well, I didn't know
that you didn't invite him.

Why would you think
I would invite him?

Why would you think
I would invite him?

Well, I just assumed--

Assumed?
Never assume anything.

I don't want that nut
in my house.

You know he's on medication.

Well, hello.
Oh, hello.

Hello.

You remember Susan from NBC.

Of course. How are you?

Fine. Good to see you.

And this is Kramer.

Hello.

NBC.

All right.
Go ahead, Susan.

Tell him.

Tell me what?

Well, I--
[PHONE RINGS]

Oh, I'm sorry.
Excuse me one second.

Hello?

TELEMARKETER:
Hi, would you be interested

in switching over
to TMI long-distance service?

in switching over
to TMI long-distance service?

Oh, gee, I-- I can't
talk right now.

Why don't you
give me your home number

and I'll call you
later?

Uh, well, I'm sorry.
We're not allowed to do that.

Oh, I guess you don't want
people calling you at home.

No.

Well, now you know
how I feel.

So go ahead.
Tell him.

Well--

Kramer, are you
drinking that milk?

[GASPS]
Yeah.

What's the expiration date
on that?

September third.

September third.

The third?

The third?The third?

[GAGS]

[GULPS]

Oh, my--

[SCREAMING]

Never should've
brought her up there.

Should've known better.

I should've
seen it coming.

I didn't see it coming.

I think she saw it coming.

She was behind the idea.
She was gonna
champion the show.

She was behind the idea.
She was gonna
champion the show.

That's what I was bringing her
up there to tell you,

and she liked me.

Look, just because
Kramer vomited on her

doesn't mean the deal is dead.

What, are you crazy?

It's a traumatic thing
to be thrown up on.

Vomiting is not
a deal-breaker.

If Hitler had vomited
on Chamberlain,

Chamberlain still would've
given him Czechoslovakia.

Chamberlain.

You could hold his head
in the toilet,

he'd still give you
half of Europe.

What happened
to you?

What happened
to you?

Davola came after me.

What? Davola?

See? I told you
this guy is crazy.

I can't believe this!
What happened?

Could I get coffee?

Well, you know,
I was walking home...

I had to pick up
my helmet from the shop

because I had to get
a new strap,

so I had it on, you know,

and I was checking the strap
to make sure it fit,

and suddenly,
I feel this kick

hit me on the side
of the head.

It...knocks me down.

I look up,
and it's Crazy Joe Davola,

and he says,

"That's what I think
of your party!"

"That's what I think
of your party!"

Boy...

That is some kick!

Well, yeah,
Newman's helmet.

It saved my life.
Look at that!

Wow. Newman's helmet.

Holy.

I got bad news
for you, buddy.

Davola
says you're next.

Me? Why?

He doesn't like you.

What does he
want from me?

I didn't
do anything!

See, this is all
Elaine's fault.

She took off to Europe
with his psychiatrist,

he probably can't
get his medication,

now I got some nut after me.

Pass the cream.

Wait a second.

[SNIFFS]

[SNIFFS]

All right.

[SLURPING]

When you vomit on somebody,

it is a social faux pas

from which there is really
no recovery.

At that point,
there's really very little

you can say to the person.

There's no Hallmark cards
that cover this occasion.

There's no "vomit sympathy
card" section of the
store, you know.

"You wear it well."

You know, there's no words
that really capture,
you know...

You know, there's no words
that really capture,
you know...

"Next time, lunch is on me."

There's no, really, way
to phrase the sentiment.

Where the hell
did I put this?

Where the hell
did I put this?

What are you
looking for?

The remote.
The remote.

I can't find
the remote.

Did I lo--?
I've lost it.

Did you take it?

Did you put it
someplace?

No, no, no.

All right,
what is this?

What is what?

All right, very funny.
I get it.

You're in a weird mood.
Come on.

Go back to your apartment
and fix it.

Fix what?
Your pants!

Fix what?
Your pants!

What is this?

Why do I got
one pant leg on for?

Don't you know?
Hey, look at your face.

You only shaved

the right side
of your face.

What is this, a joke?

No joke. What?
A joke?

You think this is funny?

Well, look at your face
in the mirror.

Ooh-huh-hey-ya!

[INTERCOM BUZZING]

Yeah?

It's George.

Come on up.

I don't believe this.

You didn't know you
were doing these things?

You didn't know you
were doing these things?

No, I swear.

I'll bet this is from that
kick from that
Crazy Joe Davola.

You better see a doctor
and get some X-rays.

Ah, you're just the man
I'm looking for.

Me?
Yeah. Here you go.

What's this?

A dry-cleaning bill.

From that woman at NBC?

Yeah.

Dry-cleaning bill
for what?

For vomiting on her vest.

Oh, come on,
George.

I didn't do that
on purpose.

Well, I shouldn't
have to pay for it.

Well, neither should I.

Jerry's the one that left
the milk in the refrigerator.

Yeah, your milk.

He drank it.
I didn't know!

All right, well,

All right, well,

we should all
chip in, I guess.

Yeah.

How much was it
to clean the vest?

$18.

Can you get vomit
out of suede?

I don't know.

Yo-Yo Ma.

What? Yo-Yo Ma?

What about it?

You just
said "Yo-Yo Ma."

What's Yo-Yo Ma?

He's a cellist.

JERRY: You should see
a doctor today.

GEORGE: All right.
Come on, come on.

Let's go, $6.

I can't believe she sent you
a dry-cleaning bill.

I can't believe she sent you
a dry-cleaning bill.

I know.

And it doesn't really bode
well for the show, does it?

The show. Forget
about the show.

We should take the idea
to a different network.

Oh, yeah, right.

Like anybody's ever
gonna do this.

How did you
get me

to go along
with that?

A show about nothing.

It was a good idea.

Susan liked it,

and if he hadn't
vomited all over her,

we'd be writing it
right now.

[PHONE RINGS]

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[CONTINUES SPEAKING ITALIAN]

What are you doing?

What's wrong with you?
What are you doing?

Give me that phone.

Go to your apartment
and lie down.

I'll make an appointment
for a doctor today.

[MUTTERS]

Hello?

Oh, hi, I'm sorry.

No, that's-- that's
my next-door neighbor.

He-- He's not
quite himself.

He got kicked
in the head.

What? Really? You're kidding.

Today? Yeah, sure.

We could make it. 2:00?

Yeah, we could
do that.

Okay. Great.
Thanks a million.

Okay. Bye.

What?
NBC.

They want to have
another meeting
about the idea.

They want to have
another meeting?

They want to buy it.
They want to buy it!

Oh, what'd I tell you?
We're gonna be rich!

What are we gonna
get for this?

Fifty, sixty thousand?

I don't know about 60.

Oh, it's got
to be 50.

You know how much
Ted Danson makes?

Ted Danson.

Now, how are you comparing
us to Ted Danson?

I didn't say we're Ted Danson.

I didn't say we're Ted Danson.

You did, you said
we're Ted Danson.
Oh...

You know, I think
he wears a piece.

Yeah? Don't worry,
he can afford it.

What time do you have?

I got five to.

See? I'm 10 minutes
slow again.

That's it
for this piece of junk.

What, isn't that the one
your parents gave you?

Yeah, but it never works.

We're supposed to be there
by 2:00.

We should take a cab.

All right, we'll
be a little late.

I'm not taking a cab.

I'll pay for it.

It's not the money.

What is it
you object to?

The comfort? The speed?
The convenience?

Jerry!

Jerry!

Uncle Leo!

Hello!

Hello there.
How are you?

How are you?

Good, good.

Mom and Dad?
Good. Fine.

What, are you
getting to be

too much
of a big shot now

to give me a call?

I don't hear
from you anymore.

Oh, no, I've been kind of
busy, that's all.

You know where
I just came from?

Danny Barber.

Oh, sure. Danny.

He used to be
in the pajama business.

Remember I used to get
my pajamas for free?

I used to come over,

give you pajamas
all the time.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I remember.

Funny thing is,
I can't wear them.

Funny thing is,
I can't wear them.

I get too hot.

I sleep in my underwear
and a t-shirt.

If it gets too hot,

I just take
the t-shirt off.

Anyway,

Danny says to me,
"You need any pajamas?"

Uh, I'm sorry, Uncle Leo.

I've really got to get going.

Oh.

Well.

You got to get going,
so go.

We, uh, we got a big meeting
with the president of NBC.

Nobody got
a gun to your head.

Yeah. I'm really sorry.

Go. Really,
I understand.

You got
an appointment.

Go to your appointment.

I'm sorry. Really.

You know,

I know plenty of people
in Hollywood too.

I know plenty of people
in Hollywood too.

Sorry. Really.

[CHUCKLES]

KRAMER: Yeah?

Come on. Are you ready?
Let's go.

For what?

What's the matter with you?

I just talked to you
15 minutes ago.

I just talked to you
15 minutes ago.

About what?

The courthouse.

You got to go with me
down to the courthouse.

I'm contesting
the ticket today.

I can't.
I'm going to the
doctor's later.

You got to
go with me.

I mean, you're--
you're my alibi.

You have to
take the stand.
Well, I can't.

Well, let me remind you
of something.

You wouldn't even
be here today

if it wasn't
for me and my helmet.

I saved your life.

You would be dead.

Dead. You would
cease to exist.

You'd be gone
for the rest of eternity.

Can you even begin to
comprehend what that means?!

Shut up!

I'll get my coat.

Don't step on anything.

Don't step on anything.

There are many things

that I think you can point to
as proof

that the humans are not smart,

but my personal favorite
would have to be

that we had to invent
the helmet.

What was happening,
apparently,

was that we were involved
in a lot of activities

that were cracking our heads.

We chose not to avoid
doing these activities,

but instead to come up
with some sort of device

to help us continue enjoying
our head-cracking
lifestyles...

the helmet.

Even that didn't work,

because not enough people
were wearing them,

so we had to come up
with the helmet law,

which is even stupider.

The idea behind the helmet law

is to preserve a brain
whose judgment is so poor,

it does not even try

to stop the cracking of the
head it's in!

Did you see the look
on my uncle's face?

Did you see
how insulted he was?

What could I do?

What are we
supposed to do?

You can't leave.

There's no excuse
good enough

to justify
walking away

to justify
walking away

from a conversation
with one of my relatives.

I didn't shave
this morning.

I don't feel
like myself.

You could be a fireman
on a fire truck

on the way to a fire.

You bump into
one of my relatives,

"I'm sorry, Uncle Leo,

"there's a building
full of people

"burning down.

I really do
have to be running."

He'll go, "Go. Go ahead.

"Go to
your fancy fire...

if that's what
you have to do."

Look at this.

Why didn't you shave
this morning?

Why didn't you shave
this morning?

Because I shaved
yesterday

in the afternoon.

Why?

Because
of the day before.

It's a long story.

I can't get back
on schedule. I--

[WHISPERS]
Is that Joe Davola?

It's not him!

I can't live like this.
I'm being stalked.

Mr. Seinfeld,
they're ready for you.

Oh.

"Mr. Seinfeld."

What about
"Mr. Costanza"?

I'm not here?

All right, look.
Now, you promised.

You're gonna be
a little more flexible

on the nothing idea, okay?

Just a little.

Just a little.

All right. A little.

NEWMAN:
Okay, you all set?
You got your story?

KRAMER:
No.

When the cop stopped me,

I told him that
I was rushing home

because my friend
was about to commit suicide.

Oh.
Now, you're that friend.

All we need is a reason why
you were gonna commit suicide.

I never had
an air conditioner.

No. That's no reason
to kill yourself.

Why? It gets hot at night.
You can't sleep.

You ever try to sleep
in a really hot room?

You ever try to sleep
in a really hot room?

Every night I sleep
in a really hot room.

I don't want to
kill myself.

Well, I've slept
in really hot rooms,

and I wanted
to kill myself.

No, no, no,
that's not gonna work.

Something else.

I was never able
to become a banker.

Banker.

So you're
killing yourself

because your dreams
of becoming a banker

have gone unfulfilled.

You-- You-- You--

You can't live
without being a banker.

Yeah, yeah,
if I can't be a banker,

I don't wanna live.

I don't wanna live.

You must be a banker.

Must be a banker!

Okay, we'll go
with the banker story.

[CHUCKLES]

Story is the foundation
of all entertainment.

You must have
a good story,

otherwise
it's just masturbation.

[CHUCKLING]

And people really have
to care about the characters.

Care?
Forget about care.

Love.

They have to love
the characters,

otherwise,

why would they keep
tuning in?

Wouldn't tune in.

Wouldn't tune in.

Would they tune in?
No tune.

We like to look at a show
as if it were an EKG.

You have your highs
and your lows,

and it goes up and down.

This show will be
like a heart attack.

Just a huge,
massive coronary.

So, what you said last week
about no story,

you're a little flexible
on that now?

[GEORGE CHUCKLES]

Is that what I said,
no story?

Because Jerry had to
tell me later.

He couldn't
believe it.

[LAUGHING]
I said, I said,
"Get outta here.

No story.
Is that what I said?"

No story.
Is that what I said?"

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Well, I informed him

that he was exceeding
the speed limit.

Uh, and that's when
he told me

that he was racing home

because his friend was
about to commit suicide.

And then
what happened?

Well, then he became
very loud and hysterical.

He was flailing his arms about
as he told the story.

And then he threw himself
on the ground.

And he grabbed me
around the legs.

And then he begged me
to let him go.

And then he begged me
to let him go.

And when I refused,
that's when he
began to scream,

"My friend's going to die.
My friend's going to die."

Look, I don't know
how you two guys feel,

but we'd really like
to be in business with you.

Well, we would like
to be in business.

Love to be
in business.

Let's do business.
We'll do business.

Business.
We're in business.

Let's have business.
This is business.

Would it be possible
to get, uh, uh,

a copy of La Cocina?

Your off-Broadway play.

Oh! Oh. Uh...

Oh! Oh. Uh...

Gee, you know,
it's the damndest thing.

I, uh...
I moved recently,

and my files, pfft,
disappeared.

Now, I-- I don't know
if they fell off the truck

or if there was some sort
of foul play,

but let me
tell you something.

I am not through
with that moving company.

That's my vow to you.

Well...
I got a feeling about you two.

And even more
than that...

I place a great deal
of confidence

in this lady's judgment.

JERRY: Oh, that's
judgment.

That's a pile
of judgment there.

That's a pile
of judgment there.

Yeah. Judgment
with earrings on, yes.

So...

let's make a pilot.

I had, uh,
gone up to Westchester.

I, uh, go there every Tuesday.

I do charity work
with the blind

in my spare time

for the Lighthouse.

I was in the middle of
a game of Parcheesi

with an old blind man,

and I excused myself
to call my friend,

as he was very
depressed lately

as he was very
depressed lately

because he never became
a banker.

I don't understand.

You see, it had been
his lifelong dream

to be a banker,

and he'd, uh,
just the day before,

he was turned down
by another bank.

I believe it was

the Manufacturers Hanover
on Lexington and 40th Street.

That was the third bank
in two weeks

to turn him down,

so I was--
I was a little concerned.

I wanted to see
how he was doing.

Well, Your Honor,
he was barely audible,

but I-- I distinctly recall
him saying...

Yo-Yo Ma!

Yo-Yo Ma!

So I sped home
to save my friend's life,

and I was stopped
for speeding.

Yes, I admit I was speeding,

but it was to save
a man's life.

A close friend.

An innocent person

who wanted nothing more
out of life

than to love,

to be loved,

and to be a banker!

So then he didn't
kill himself?

No, sir, he did not,

but only
by the grace of God.

He is, uh, in
the courtroom today,

He is, uh, in
the courtroom today,

sitting right over there!

And he can corroborate
my entire testimony.

I told you.
I told you!

[CACKLING]

And now all we got
to do is write it.

Yes! How are we
gonna do that?

Hey! Congratulations.

Oh, thanks. Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.

Gee, you know, I thought
you were mad at me.
No.

Mr. Seinfeld,
you have a telephone call.

Phone call?

Phone call?

Who knows I'm here?

Hello.

Mom?

How did you know I was here?

Oh, I was not rude to him!
That is baloney.

I couldn't talk.
I had a meeting.

I don't know.

He went off
on some thing about pajamas.

When you sent me
the bill

for the dry-cleaning,

I thought the show
didn't have a chance.

Oh, it was only vomit.

Oh, it was only vomit.

Anyway, I--
I would like to,

uh, to pay for
the dry-cleaning.

Oh, no, no.
It's okay.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

We all chipped in.
We have the money.

Well...
Well, it was $18.

Okay, $18,
and, uh...

There it is,
there you go.

All right.

So, uh, maybe we could
get together this weekend.

Yeah. Call me.

All right.
Great.

Bye.

Bye. Thanks.

Bye.

I can't believe
she took the money.

I can't believe
she took the money.

Why?

I offered to pay.
She should've said no.

She did. You insisted.

Maybe this is what

the pilot
should be about:

vomiting
on somebody's vest.

Nah.

How much are we gonna get
for this, 50, 60,000?

Oh, I-- I don't know.

We gotta get 50. All right,
I'll tell you what.

We'll go
to the coffee shop.

You call your manager.
Maybe they made an offer.

Okay.
All right, let's go, let's go.

Thirteen thousand?

Thirteen thousand.

Apiece?

No, for both.

That's insulting!

That's insulting!

Ted Danson makes $800,000
an episode!

Oh, would you stop
with the Ted Danson?

Well, he does.

You're nuts.
I'm sorry.

I can't live knowing

that Ted Danson makes
that much more than me.

Who's he?

He's somebody.

What about me?
You're nobody.

Why him? Why not me?

He's good. You're not.

I'm better than him.

You're worse.

Much, much worse.

There's Davola.

What? Where?
Where?

Outside, I just
saw him outside.

What is it?

Oh, it's this patient.

Again?

I'm fairly certain

I forgot to leave him

an extra prescription
for his medication.

Well, so, he can live
without his Valium

for a couple of days.

No, you don't understand.

He could be dangerous.

Go outside
and see if he's there.

Go outside
and see if he's there.

I can't go out there.
He knows we're friends.

What am I supposed to do?

I gotta take Kramer
to the doctor.

Tell the cop.

Good idea.

Excuse me, officer.

There's a guy outside,
and he's kind of a nut job,

and I think he's waiting
to beat me up.

If you could just
walk me outside

and wait till
I get into a cab...

Yeah, all right.

Uh, just--
Just let me get a muffin.

Thanks.

Well...

He's gonna get a muffin,
then he'll walk us outside.

This is a great way
to go through life, isn't it?

Hey, he's looking
at the menu now.

What's he looking at
the menu for?

I thought you said
he was gonna get a muffin.

What are you doing?

What?

What?

What, are you
ordering food now?

Yeah.

Yeah, I decided
to get a sandwich.

What happened
to the muffin?

I got a little hungry.

All of a sudden
you get hungry?

Yeah.
You got a problem with that?

No.

Enjoy your lunch.

You know, a muffin
can be very filling.

He's getting a sandwich now.

I thought he was just
gonna have a muffin.

I thought he was just
gonna have a muffin.

All of a sudden,
he gets hungry.

You know, a muffin
can be very filling.

I know!

Mr. Kramer.

You heard
the testimony so far.

Would you please tell
the court in your own words

what happened on the afternoon
of September 10th?

What do you mean,
"in my own words"?

Whose words are they gonna be?

You know what I mean.

I was very upset that day.

And why was that?

And why was that?

Would you let me say--?
Let me talk.

All right,
all right.

Go ahead,
go ahead.

All right.
Okay.

I was very upset
that day

because I could never
become a banker.

And this failure
to become a banker...

it was eating at you.

Eating, eating,
eating at you inside.

Uh, yeah.

It was your family
that pushed you into banking.

It was their dream for you.
Mr. Newman.

Your Honor, I'm only
trying to establish

Mr. Kramer's
fragile emotional state.

Mr. Kramer's
fragile emotional state.

My entire case depends on it.

Uh...continue.

As you were saying,
Mr. Kramer?

What was the question?

You're telling how your
parents pushed you
into banking.

Right.

Well, my father,
when I was a kid,

he took me to the bank.
And he lifted me up.

And he pointed
to the teller

and he said, "Sonny boy,
take a good look at him.

That's gonna
be you someday."

But you never became a banker,
did you, Mr. Kramer?

Why?

Why?

Why did you fail?

I don't know.

It was because
you hated your father,

and you would do anything
to displease him.

Isn't that true?

Uh, could you
get to the speeding?

Yes, I intend to,
Your Honor.

And then,

on the afternoon
of September 10th,

you received
a phone call,

did you not?

Phone call?

Yes, a phone call.

From who?

From me.
From you?

Yes! From me.
From me!

Yes! From me.
From me!

I called you,
remember?

You called me?

Yes, I called you,
you idiot!

Because
you were going to...

You were going to...
Remember?

What?
You were gonna--

You were gonna
ack-ka-ka-ka!

Gonna do something!

You were dai-ya deh,
wha-hey!

To yourself!

You were gonna do
something to yourself!

Remember, the banking?!
The banking!

Wha--! Ha! Hoo!
Forget the banking?!

I'm afraid I'm gonna have
to call--

Yes, a banker!
What banker?

A banker! A banker!

Your Honor, Your Honor,
Your Honor...

That's enough, Mr.--

Your Honor, Mr. Kramer
is obviously very distraught.

I'm distraught?

I'm distraught?

You shut up!
Woo, woo, woo, woo!

[PANTING]

I demand a recess
so that I can take him outside

and help him
regain his composure!

That'll be $75.

What's the matter
with you, you jerk?

We had it all worked out.

Is he out there?
Do you see him?

I'm not sure.

Well, either you see him
or you don't.

All right. I don't.

What is he doing?

Is he getting
coffee?

I think
he's getting coffee.

What's with this guy?

Did you just
order coffee?

Yeah.

This is really
too much.

What is your problem?

Well, I'm sitting
over there,

waiting for you
to finish your sandwich

for 20 minutes.

Now you're drinking
coffee.

That's gonna be
another 10 minutes.

Well, you're just
gonna have to wait.

Well, you're just
gonna have to wait.

You never said anything
about the banking.

You're off
your rocker.

Hey, you guys.

Hey.
What're you
doing here?

What're you doing here?

Hey, is Davola outside?

Davola?
Yeah.

No, I didn't see him.

Crazy Joe Davola?

Jerry, yours is $11.

Eleven dollars,
for what?

Muffin, sandwich and coffee.

Hey, NBC okayed our idea.
We're gonna make the pilot.

You're gonna do
the circus-freak show, huh?

No.

A pilot!

So, what do you make
for something like that,

50, 60,000?

What's the difference?

What's the difference?

The money's
not important.

Hey, Newman,
is that your red car?

Yeah.

I think you're getting
a ticket.

Go. Run. Run.
Go! Go! Go!

NEWMAN: Hey, what
are you doing?

It's after 6:00!

You can't give me
a ticket.

Hey, you're not gonna
get away with this.

I'll fight this!
I've got witnesses.

KRAMER: I saw
the whole thing.

I think this whole thing

would be a good idea
for the pilot.

Ah, get out of here.
The vomiting is much funnier.

Oh, like you know
what you're talking about.

No. You do.

Many states in the country

now have traffic school
when you have an infraction.

I went to traffic school.
I didn't mind it.

I went to traffic school.
I didn't mind it.

I kind of felt bad

for the traffic school
instructor.

This guy goes to traffic
school every day,

no matter how he drives.

What is his incentive
to not speed?

He's going to traffic school
anyway.

Why not get a race car,

do 200 miles an hour
down the street?

Cop stops you.
"Where're you going?"

"Traffic school."

"Go ahead.
And you better hurry.

You really need it."

Maybe the punishment
should be,

instead of traffic school
or traffic court,

just traffic.

They sentence you
to 100 hours of traffic.

They sentence you
to 100 hours of traffic.

They assign, like, five people
to drive all around you

at five miles an hour
wherever you go.

You're on your way to Vegas,
there isn't a car in sight...

"Come on. Move it."