Original subtitles

Parents like to drag kids to these, uh,

historical sites on vacation.

I remember going to Colonial Williamsburg,

and you see the supposedly authentic blacksmith there.

You know, he's got the three-cornered hat

and the knickers and the Def Leppard T-shirt.

My parents took me to the Amish country,

which, to a kid, you know, to see a bunch of people

that have no cars, no TV, no phone,

they go, "So what? Neither do I."

So it's a whole community that's been grounded.

And that's the way they should punish the kids

after they take them home.

after they take them home.

"All right, son, get up to your room.

"That's it. I've had it.

"You are Amish, young man, for the rest of this weekend.

"Did you hear me? Amish.

"And don't come down

till you make some noodles and raise a barn."

So they have a tour guide.

He takes you around,

shows you the battlefield,

gives you a little bit of the history.

Wow. How far is Gettysburg?

I'd like to go there.

About three hours.

MAN: Tommy, you're on.

Gotta go. Have a good set.

What'd they do for toilet paper

in the Civil War?

What?

I wonder what toilet paper was like in the 1860s.

Did they--? Did they carry it

in rolls in their duffel bags?

in rolls in their duffel bags?

Everything with you comes down to toilet paper.

What?

That's always the first question with you.

Why is that always your focus?

All right, then, what did they do?

I don't know.

Maybe they gave out big loose clumps

to all the soldiers.

Well, I think it would be nice

if there was some sort of historical record of it.

Maybe they should have a toilet paper museum.

Would you like that?

So we could see

all the toilet paper advancements

down through the ages:

toilet paper during the Crusades,

the development of the perforation,

the first six-pack.

the first six-pack.

Excuse me, Jerry?

I'm Stu Shirmack. I'm from NBC.

Oh.

Could we speak for a few moments?

Sure. Sure.

Hi. Jay Crespi.

Hello.

Uh, C-R-E-S-P-I.

That's right.

I'm unbelievable at spelling last names.

Gimme a last name.

Uh, I'm not really--

George...huh?

[QUIETLY] All right. Fine.

First of all,

that was a terrific show.

Oh, thank you very much.

Oh, thank you very much.

And basically I just wanted to let you know

that we've been discussing you

at some of our meetings,

and we'd be very interested in doing something.

Really? Wow!

So if you had an idea for, like, uh,

a TV show for yourself...

Well, we'd just love to talk about it.

I'd be very interested in something like that.

Well, here.

Why don't you give us a call,

and maybe we can, uh, develop a series?

Okay. Great. Thanks.

It was very nice meeting you.

Thank you.

Nice meeting you.

Nice meeting you.

Nice meeting you.

What was that all about?

They said they were interested in me.

For what?

You know, a TV show.

Your own show?

Yeah, I guess so.

[SCOFFS]

They want you to do a TV show?

Well, they want me to come up with an idea.

I mean, I don't have any ideas.

Come on. How hard is that?

Look at all the junk that's on TV.

All right, you want an idea? Here's an idea.

You coach a gymnastics team in high school,

and you're married,

and your son is not interested in gymnastics,

and your son is not interested in gymnastics,

and you're pushing him into gymnastics.

Why should I care if my son's into gymnastics?

'Cause you're the gymnastics teacher.

It's only natural.

But gymnastics is not for everybody.

I know, but he's your son!

So what?

All right, forget that idea.

It's not for you.

Okay, okay, okay. I got it.

You run an antique store.

Yeah? And?

And people come into the store,

and you get involved in their lives.

What person who runs an antique store

What person who runs an antique store

gets involved in peoples lives?

Why not?

So someone comes in to buy an old lamp,

and suddenly I'm getting them out of a jam?

I could see if I was a pharmacist,

'cause a pharmacist knows

what's wrong with everybody that comes in.

I know, but antiques are very popular right now.

No, they're not. They used to be.

Oh, sure. Like you know.

Oh, like you do?

And you're the manager of the circus.

A circus?

Oh, come on! This is a great idea.

Oh, come on! This is a great idea.

I mean, look at the characters.

You got all these freaks in the show.

A woman with a moustache.

I mean, who wouldn't tune in

to see a woman with a moustache?

You got the tallest man in the world.

A guy who's just a head.

"Hee hee, ha, fleggy."

I don't think so.

Look, Jerry, the show isn't about the circus.

It's about watching freaks.

I don't think the network would go for it.

Why not?

Look, I'm not pitching a show about freaks.

Oh, come on, Jerry! You're wrong.

People, they wanna watch freaks.

This is a "can't miss"!

Kramer.

[FLATLY] Hello, Newman.

[FLATLY] Hello, Newman.

Come on, let's go. I got the helmet.

Go get the radar detector.

Okay. Okay, all right. I'll be back in a second.

Hey, you guys coming to my party?

Yeah. Sure. Yeah!

What's this all about?

We're making a trade.

I'm giving him my motorcycle helmet,

he's giving me his radar detector.

I didn't know you have a motorcycle.

Well, my girlfriend had one.

You have a girlfriend?

I had a girlfriend.

And she was pretty wild.

I don't remember you with a girl.

Nevertheless.

Nevertheless.

This is a pretty bad deal for Kramer.

You know, a radar detector's

worth much more than that helmet.

I think you're cheating him.

Don't say anything.

All right.

Hey, you know, you're getting gypped over here.

Really? Ah.

Hey! We had a deal.

Are you reneging out of the deal?

Are you reneging? That's a renege.

Oh, stop saying "reneging."

Well, you're reneging.

I-- Okay, okay, I'm not reneging.

All right. Give it to me.

All right, let go.

No, you let go.

No, you let go.

Come on. Count of three.

Give me that. Just give me that.

...break it.

Here. Idiots.

Thanks, buddy. So long.

Does that thing work?

Nah.

JERRY: Did I tell you

I got a postcard from Elaine?

Really? Yeah.

They're in London now.

They'll be back in a few weeks.

Pssh. I can't believe

she got involved with her shrink.

So, what's happening with the TV show?

You come up with anything?

You come up with anything?

No. Nothing.

Why don't they have salsa on the table?

What do you need salsa for?

Salsa is now the number one condiment in America.

Do you know why?

Because people like to say "salsa."

"Excuse me, do you have any salsa?"

"We need more salsa."

"Where's the salsa? No salsa?"

You know, it must be impossible for a Spanish person

to order seltzer and not get salsa.

"I wanted 'selsa,' not salsa!"

"Don't you know the difference between selsa and salsa?"

"Don't you know the difference between selsa and salsa?"

"You have the selsa after the salsa."

See? This should be the show.

This is the show.

What?

This. Just talking.

Yeah. Right.

No, I'm really serious. I think that's a good idea.

Just talking? Well, what's the show about?

It's about nothing.

No story?

No, forget the story.

You gotta have a story.

Who says you gotta have a story?

Who says you gotta have a story?

Remember when we were waiting for that table

in that Chinese restaurant that time?

That could be a TV show.

And who's on the show? Who are the characters?

I could be a character.

You?

Yeah, you base a character on me.

So on the show,

there's a character named George Costanza?

Yeah.

What, there's something wrong with that?

I'm a character.

People are always saying to me,

"You know, you're quite a character."

And who else is on the show?

Elaine could be a character.

Elaine could be a character.

Kramer.

Now, he's a character. [LAUGHS] Yeah.

So everybody I know is a character on the show.

Right.

And it's about nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

So you're saying I go into NBC

and tell them I got this idea

for a show about nothing.

We go into NBC.

We?

Since when are you a writer?

What writer? We're talking about a sitcom.

You want to go with me to NBC?

Yeah, I think we really got something here.

What do we got? An idea.

What do we got? An idea.

What idea? An idea for the show.

I still don't know what the idea is.

It's about nothing.

Right.

Everybody's doing something.

We'll do nothing.

So we go into NBC,

we tell them we got an idea for a show about nothing.

Exactly. They say,

"What's your show about?" I say, "Nothing."

There you go.

I think you may have something here.

JERRY: So the show would be about my real life,

and one of the characters would be based on you.

No. I don't think so.

No. I don't think so.

What do you mean, you don't think so?

I don't like it.

I don't understand.

What don't you like about it?

I don't like the idea of a character based on me.

Why not?

I don't know. It just doesn't sit well.

You're my neighbor. There's got to be a character based on you.

That's your problem, buddy.

I don't understand what the big deal is.

Okay, you can do it on one condition.

Whatever you want.

I get to play Kramer.

You can't play Kramer.

I am Kramer!

But you can't act.

Whoo!

Whoo!

Okay, fine, we'll use Newman.

Newman?

Use me for what?

[FLATLY] Nothing. What do you want?

Well, you'll never guess what happened to me today.

I was driving home on the Palisades Parkway

when I look in the rearview mirror,

and what did I see? The fuzz.

And it's funny,

because my new radar detector was on,

but I didn't hear a thing.

Isn't that strange?

Yeah, that's strange.

Because the radar detector,

Because the radar detector,

as I understand it, detects radar!

With a series of beeps and flashing lights!

But oddly, for some reason,

I didn't hear a thing,

except for the sound of a police siren.

Well, that's queer, huh?

I want my helmet back!

You give me back my helmet,

and you're gonna pay for that ticket.

Oh, yeah, yeah. You better think again, MoJumbo.

You gave me a defective detector. Jerry?

Buyer beware.

Are you gonna give me back that helmet?

No. We had a deal.

There's no guarantees in life.

There's no guarantees in life.

No, but there's karma, Kramer.

"Karma Kramer"?

And one more thing.

I'm not coming to your party.

[SPANISH ACCENT] Salsa. Selsa.

Excuse me, do you have any salsa?

No, not selsa. Salsa.

What's the matter?

Nothing.

You sure?

You look a little pale.

No. I'm fine. I'm good.

No. I'm fine. I'm good.

Fine. Very good.

What, are you nervous?

No. Not nervous.

I'm good. I'm very good.

[CHUCKLES]

I can't do this. I can't do this.

What? I can't do this. I can't do it.

I tried. I'm here. It's impossible.

This was your idea.

What idea? I just said something.

I didn't know you were gonna listen to me.

Don't worry about it.

They're just TV executives.

They're men with jobs, Jerry!

They wear suits and ties!

They're married.

They have secretaries!

They have secretaries!

I told you not to come.

I need some water. I gotta get some water.

They'll give us water in there.

Really?

That's pretty good.

[WHISPERS] Oh, God. It's Joe Davola.

Who?

This guy's a writer. He's a total nut.

I think he goes to the same shrink as Elaine.

Oh, God. He saw me.

Hello, Jerry.

Hey, Joe.

Hey, Joe.

How you doing?

You're under no obligation to shake my hand.

Oh, no. Just a custom.

That's my friend, George. You look good.

Why shouldn't I look good?

No. No reason.

You're into karate, right?

You want to hit me?

What are you doing here?

I dropped a script off.

Oh. Good for you.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Well...

You don't have to say anything.

No, uh...

Hey, uh, I guess I'll see you Sunday night.

Why?

Kramer's party.

Kramer's...

having a party?

No. No, he's not having a party.

Uh, he's doing something.

I don't what it is. It's nothing.

He's not doing anything.

Gee, I thought Kramer and I were very close friends.

No, I'm sure you are.

I'm sure you're very close friends.

Very close.

Very close.

Give my best to Hinckley.

What was that?

I can't believe what I just did.

I didn't know Kramer didn't invite him.

I gotta call Kramer.

They're ready for you.

Okay. Okay. Look.

You do all the talking, okay?

Oh, relax. Who are they?

Yeah. They're not better than me.

Of course not.

Who are they?

They're nobody.

What about me?

What about you?

What about you?

Why them? Why not me?

Why not you?

I'm just as good as them. Better.

Yeah. You really think so?

No.

[LAUGHTER]

The bit-- The bit I really liked

was where the parakeet flew into the mirror.

That's funny.

[LAUGHING]

The parakeet in the mirror.

That is a good one, Stu.

Yeah, one of my favorites.

What about you, George?

Have you written anything we might know?

[LAUGHING SLOWLY STOPS]

Well, possibly. I, um...

Well, possibly. I, um...

I-- I wrote an off-Broadway, uh,

show, uh... La Cocina.

Actually,

it was off-off... uh, Broadway.

It was, uh... [CHUCKLES]

a comedy... about a Mexican chef.

JERRY: It was very funny.

There was one great scene

with the chef-- um...

What was his name?

Pepe.

Oh, Pepe. Yes. Pepe.

And he was making tamales.

Oh, he actually cooked on the stage?

Oh, he actually cooked on the stage?

Uh...no, no, he mimed it.

That's what was so funny about it.

[LAUGHING]

So, what have you two come up with?

Well, we thought about this in a variety of ways,

but the basic idea is,

I would play my-- Ahem, may I?

Go ahead.

I think I can sum up the show for you

with one word...

nothing.

Nothing?

Nothing.

What does that mean?

The show is about...

The show is about...

nothing.

Well, it's not about nothing.

No, it's about nothing.

Well, maybe in philosophy,

but even nothing is something.

[DOOR OPENS] SECRETARY: Mr. Dalrymple,

your niece is on the phone.

I'll call back.

Uh, D-A-L- R-I-M-P-E-L.

Not even close.

Is that with a Y?

No.

What's the premise?

JERRY: Well, as I was saying,

I would play myself, and, uh,

I would play myself, and, uh,

as a comedian living in New York,

and I have a friend and a neighbor

and an ex-girlfriend,

which is all true.

Yeah, but nothing happens on the show.

You see, it's just like life.

You know, you eat, you go shopping,

you read, you eat,

you read, you go shopping.

You read?

You read on the show?

Well, I don't know about the reading.

We didn't discuss the reading.

All right, tell me about the stories.

What kind of stories?

Oh, no. No stories.

Oh, no. No stories.

No stories? No.

So, what is it?

What did you do today?

I got up and came to work.

There's a show. That's a show.

How is that a show?

Well, uh, maybe something happens to you

on the way to work.

No. No. No! Nothing happens!

Well, something happens.

Well, why am I watching it?

Because it's on TV.

Not yet.

Ahem. Okay, uh...look.

Ahem. Okay, uh...look.

If you want to just keep doing

the same old thing,

then maybe this idea is not for you.

I, for one,

am not going to compromise

my artistic integrity.

And I'll tell you something else.

This is the show,

and we are not gonna change it.

[SNAPS FINGERS]

Right?

How about this?

I manage a circus...

I manage a circus...

I don't even want to talk about it anymore.

What were you thinking?

What was going on in your mind?

"Artistic integrity."

Well, wh-wh-where did you come up with that?

You're not artistic

and you have no integrity.

You know, you really need some help,

but a regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you.

You need to go to, like, Vienna or something.

You know what I mean?

You need to get involved at the university level,

You need to get involved at the university level,

like, where Freud studied,

and have all those people looking at you

and checking up on you.

That's the kind of help you need,

not the once-a-week for 80 bucks.

No. You need a team,

a team of psychiatrists

working round the clock, thinking about you.

Having conferences.

Observing you,

like the way they did with the Elephant Man.

That's what I'm talking about,

because that's the only way you're gonna get better.

I thought the woman was kind of cute.

I thought the woman was kind of cute.

Hold it.

I really want to be clear about this.

Are you talking about the woman in the meeting?

Is that the woman you're talking about?

Yeah.

I thought I might give her a call.

I-- I don't meet that many women.

I meet, like, three women a year.

I mean, we've been introduced. She knows my name.

It's completely inappropriate!

Why?

Maybe she liked me.

I mean, she was looking right at me.

You know, I think she was impressed.

We had good eye contact

through the whole meeting.

through the whole meeting.

Oh, I forgot to call Kramer.

Oh, well, wait a minute. Let me call Susan.

No, no, this is more important.

Well, she might be leaving the work any minute.

No, I gotta warn him

that I told Joe Davola about his party.

No.

What is it?

I was just thinking

about this patient of mine.

What?

Just wondering

if he's taking his medication.

Oh, come on. We're on vacation.

Oh, come on. We're on vacation.

JERRY: Well, we were standing

in the waiting area there,

and you know how Davola is.

He's all--

[DOOR BUZZING]

Yeah?

It's George.

What is it?

And so I felt very uncomfortable with him,

and, you know, I just blurted out

something about your party.

Whoa. Back up a second.

Well, I didn't know that you didn't invite him.

Why would you think I would invite him?

Why would you think I would invite him?

Well, I just assumed--

Assumed? Never assume anything.

I don't want that nut in my house.

You know he's on medication.

Well, hello. Oh, hello.

Hello.

You remember Susan from NBC.

Of course. How are you?

Fine. Good to see you.

And this is Kramer.

Hello.

NBC.

All right. Go ahead, Susan.

Tell him.

Tell me what?

Well, I-- [PHONE RINGS]

Oh, I'm sorry. Excuse me one second.

Hello?

TELEMARKETER: Hi, would you be interested

in switching over to TMI long-distance service?

in switching over to TMI long-distance service?

Oh, gee, I-- I can't talk right now.

Why don't you give me your home number

and I'll call you later?

Uh, well, I'm sorry. We're not allowed to do that.

Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home.

No.

Well, now you know how I feel.

So go ahead. Tell him.

Well--

Kramer, are you drinking that milk?

[GASPS] Yeah.

What's the expiration date on that?

September third.

September third.

The third?

The third?The third?

[GAGS]

[GULPS]

Oh, my--

[SCREAMING]

Never should've brought her up there.

Should've known better.

I should've seen it coming.

I didn't see it coming.

I think she saw it coming.

She was behind the idea. She was gonna champion the show.

She was behind the idea. She was gonna champion the show.

That's what I was bringing her up there to tell you,

and she liked me.

Look, just because Kramer vomited on her

doesn't mean the deal is dead.

What, are you crazy?

It's a traumatic thing to be thrown up on.

Vomiting is not a deal-breaker.

If Hitler had vomited on Chamberlain,

Chamberlain still would've given him Czechoslovakia.

Chamberlain.

You could hold his head in the toilet,

he'd still give you half of Europe.

What happened to you?

What happened to you?

Davola came after me.

What? Davola?

See? I told you this guy is crazy.

I can't believe this! What happened?

Could I get coffee?

Well, you know, I was walking home...

I had to pick up my helmet from the shop

because I had to get a new strap,

so I had it on, you know,

and I was checking the strap to make sure it fit,

and suddenly, I feel this kick

hit me on the side of the head.

It...knocks me down.

I look up, and it's Crazy Joe Davola,

and he says,

"That's what I think of your party!"

"That's what I think of your party!"

Boy...

That is some kick!

Well, yeah, Newman's helmet.

It saved my life. Look at that!

Wow. Newman's helmet.

Holy.

I got bad news for you, buddy.

Davola says you're next.

Me? Why?

He doesn't like you.

What does he want from me?

I didn't do anything!

See, this is all Elaine's fault.

She took off to Europe with his psychiatrist,

he probably can't get his medication,

now I got some nut after me.

Pass the cream.

Wait a second.

[SNIFFS]

[SNIFFS]

All right.

[SLURPING]

When you vomit on somebody,

it is a social faux pas

from which there is really no recovery.

At that point, there's really very little

you can say to the person.

There's no Hallmark cards that cover this occasion.

There's no "vomit sympathy card" section of the store, you know.

"You wear it well."

You know, there's no words that really capture, you know...

You know, there's no words that really capture, you know...

"Next time, lunch is on me."

There's no, really, way to phrase the sentiment.

Where the hell did I put this?

Where the hell did I put this?

What are you looking for?

The remote. The remote.

I can't find the remote.

Did I lo--? I've lost it.

Did you take it?

Did you put it someplace?

No, no, no.

All right, what is this?

What is what?

All right, very funny. I get it.

You're in a weird mood. Come on.

Go back to your apartment and fix it.

Fix what? Your pants!

Fix what? Your pants!

What is this?

Why do I got one pant leg on for?

Don't you know? Hey, look at your face.

You only shaved

the right side of your face.

What is this, a joke?

No joke. What? A joke?

You think this is funny?

Well, look at your face in the mirror.

Ooh-huh-hey-ya!

[INTERCOM BUZZING]

Yeah?

It's George.

Come on up.

I don't believe this.

You didn't know you were doing these things?

You didn't know you were doing these things?

No, I swear.

I'll bet this is from that kick from that Crazy Joe Davola.

You better see a doctor and get some X-rays.

Ah, you're just the man I'm looking for.

Me? Yeah. Here you go.

What's this?

A dry-cleaning bill.

From that woman at NBC?

Yeah.

Dry-cleaning bill for what?

For vomiting on her vest.

Oh, come on, George.

I didn't do that on purpose.

Well, I shouldn't have to pay for it.

Well, neither should I.

Jerry's the one that left the milk in the refrigerator.

Yeah, your milk.

He drank it. I didn't know!

All right, well,

All right, well,

we should all chip in, I guess.

Yeah.

How much was it to clean the vest?

$18.

Can you get vomit out of suede?

I don't know.

Yo-Yo Ma.

What? Yo-Yo Ma?

What about it?

You just said "Yo-Yo Ma."

What's Yo-Yo Ma?

He's a cellist.

JERRY: You should see a doctor today.

GEORGE: All right. Come on, come on.

Let's go, $6.

I can't believe she sent you a dry-cleaning bill.

I can't believe she sent you a dry-cleaning bill.

I know.

And it doesn't really bode well for the show, does it?

The show. Forget about the show.

We should take the idea to a different network.

Oh, yeah, right.

Like anybody's ever gonna do this.

How did you get me

to go along with that?

A show about nothing.

It was a good idea.

Susan liked it,

and if he hadn't vomited all over her,

we'd be writing it right now.

[PHONE RINGS]

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[CONTINUES SPEAKING ITALIAN]

What are you doing?

What's wrong with you? What are you doing?

Give me that phone.

Go to your apartment and lie down.

I'll make an appointment for a doctor today.

[MUTTERS]

Hello?

Oh, hi, I'm sorry.

No, that's-- that's my next-door neighbor.

He-- He's not quite himself.

He got kicked in the head.

What? Really? You're kidding.

Today? Yeah, sure.

We could make it. 2:00?

Yeah, we could do that.

Okay. Great. Thanks a million.

Okay. Bye.

What? NBC.

They want to have another meeting about the idea.

They want to have another meeting?

They want to buy it. They want to buy it!

Oh, what'd I tell you? We're gonna be rich!

What are we gonna get for this?

Fifty, sixty thousand?

I don't know about 60.

Oh, it's got to be 50.

You know how much Ted Danson makes?

Ted Danson.

Now, how are you comparing us to Ted Danson?

I didn't say we're Ted Danson.

I didn't say we're Ted Danson.

You did, you said we're Ted Danson. Oh...

You know, I think he wears a piece.

Yeah? Don't worry, he can afford it.

What time do you have?

I got five to.

See? I'm 10 minutes slow again.

That's it for this piece of junk.

What, isn't that the one your parents gave you?

Yeah, but it never works.

We're supposed to be there by 2:00.

We should take a cab.

All right, we'll be a little late.

I'm not taking a cab.

I'll pay for it.

It's not the money.

What is it you object to?

The comfort? The speed? The convenience?

Jerry!

Jerry!

Uncle Leo!

Hello!

Hello there. How are you?

How are you?

Good, good.

Mom and Dad? Good. Fine.

What, are you getting to be

too much of a big shot now

to give me a call?

I don't hear from you anymore.

Oh, no, I've been kind of busy, that's all.

You know where I just came from?

Danny Barber.

Oh, sure. Danny.

He used to be in the pajama business.

Remember I used to get my pajamas for free?

I used to come over,

give you pajamas all the time.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I remember.

Funny thing is, I can't wear them.

Funny thing is, I can't wear them.

I get too hot.

I sleep in my underwear and a t-shirt.

If it gets too hot,

I just take the t-shirt off.

Anyway,

Danny says to me, "You need any pajamas?"

Uh, I'm sorry, Uncle Leo.

I've really got to get going.

Oh.

Well.

You got to get going, so go.

We, uh, we got a big meeting with the president of NBC.

Nobody got a gun to your head.

Yeah. I'm really sorry.

Go. Really, I understand.

You got an appointment.

Go to your appointment.

I'm sorry. Really.

You know,

I know plenty of people in Hollywood too.

I know plenty of people in Hollywood too.

Sorry. Really.

[CHUCKLES]

KRAMER: Yeah?

Come on. Are you ready? Let's go.

For what?

What's the matter with you?

I just talked to you 15 minutes ago.

I just talked to you 15 minutes ago.

About what?

The courthouse.

You got to go with me down to the courthouse.

I'm contesting the ticket today.

I can't. I'm going to the doctor's later.

You got to go with me.

I mean, you're-- you're my alibi.

You have to take the stand. Well, I can't.

Well, let me remind you of something.

You wouldn't even be here today

if it wasn't for me and my helmet.

I saved your life.

You would be dead.

Dead. You would cease to exist.

You'd be gone for the rest of eternity.

Can you even begin to comprehend what that means?!

Shut up!

I'll get my coat.

Don't step on anything.

Don't step on anything.

There are many things

that I think you can point to as proof

that the humans are not smart,

but my personal favorite would have to be

that we had to invent the helmet.

What was happening, apparently,

was that we were involved in a lot of activities

that were cracking our heads.

We chose not to avoid doing these activities,

but instead to come up with some sort of device

to help us continue enjoying our head-cracking lifestyles...

the helmet.

Even that didn't work,

because not enough people were wearing them,

so we had to come up with the helmet law,

which is even stupider.

The idea behind the helmet law

is to preserve a brain whose judgment is so poor,

it does not even try

to stop the cracking of the head it's in!

Did you see the look on my uncle's face?

Did you see how insulted he was?

What could I do?

What are we supposed to do?

You can't leave.

There's no excuse good enough

to justify walking away

to justify walking away

from a conversation with one of my relatives.

I didn't shave this morning.

I don't feel like myself.

You could be a fireman on a fire truck

on the way to a fire.

You bump into one of my relatives,

"I'm sorry, Uncle Leo,

"there's a building full of people

"burning down.

I really do have to be running."

He'll go, "Go. Go ahead.

"Go to your fancy fire...

if that's what you have to do."

Look at this.

Why didn't you shave this morning?

Why didn't you shave this morning?

Because I shaved yesterday

in the afternoon.

Why?

Because of the day before.

It's a long story.

I can't get back on schedule. I--

[WHISPERS] Is that Joe Davola?

It's not him!

I can't live like this. I'm being stalked.

Mr. Seinfeld, they're ready for you.

Oh.

"Mr. Seinfeld."

What about "Mr. Costanza"?

I'm not here?

All right, look. Now, you promised.

You're gonna be a little more flexible

on the nothing idea, okay?

Just a little.

Just a little.

All right. A little.

NEWMAN: Okay, you all set? You got your story?

KRAMER: No.

When the cop stopped me,

I told him that I was rushing home

because my friend was about to commit suicide.

Oh. Now, you're that friend.

All we need is a reason why you were gonna commit suicide.

I never had an air conditioner.

No. That's no reason to kill yourself.

Why? It gets hot at night. You can't sleep.

You ever try to sleep in a really hot room?

You ever try to sleep in a really hot room?

Every night I sleep in a really hot room.

I don't want to kill myself.

Well, I've slept in really hot rooms,

and I wanted to kill myself.

No, no, no, that's not gonna work.

Something else.

I was never able to become a banker.

Banker.

So you're killing yourself

because your dreams of becoming a banker

have gone unfulfilled.

You-- You-- You--

You can't live without being a banker.

Yeah, yeah, if I can't be a banker,

I don't wanna live.

I don't wanna live.

You must be a banker.

Must be a banker!

Okay, we'll go with the banker story.

[CHUCKLES]

Story is the foundation of all entertainment.

You must have a good story,

otherwise it's just masturbation.

[CHUCKLING]

And people really have to care about the characters.

Care? Forget about care.

Love.

They have to love the characters,

otherwise,

why would they keep tuning in?

Wouldn't tune in.

Wouldn't tune in.

Would they tune in? No tune.

We like to look at a show as if it were an EKG.

You have your highs and your lows,

and it goes up and down.

This show will be like a heart attack.

Just a huge, massive coronary.

So, what you said last week about no story,

you're a little flexible on that now?

[GEORGE CHUCKLES]

Is that what I said, no story?

Because Jerry had to tell me later.

He couldn't believe it.

[LAUGHING] I said, I said, "Get outta here.

No story. Is that what I said?"

No story. Is that what I said?"

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Well, I informed him

that he was exceeding the speed limit.

Uh, and that's when he told me

that he was racing home

because his friend was about to commit suicide.

And then what happened?

Well, then he became very loud and hysterical.

He was flailing his arms about as he told the story.

And then he threw himself on the ground.

And he grabbed me around the legs.

And then he begged me to let him go.

And then he begged me to let him go.

And when I refused, that's when he began to scream,

"My friend's going to die. My friend's going to die."

Look, I don't know how you two guys feel,

but we'd really like to be in business with you.

Well, we would like to be in business.

Love to be in business.

Let's do business. We'll do business.

Business. We're in business.

Let's have business. This is business.

Would it be possible to get, uh, uh,

a copy of La Cocina?

Your off-Broadway play.

Oh! Oh. Uh...

Oh! Oh. Uh...

Gee, you know, it's the damndest thing.

I, uh... I moved recently,

and my files, pfft, disappeared.

Now, I-- I don't know if they fell off the truck

or if there was some sort of foul play,

but let me tell you something.

I am not through with that moving company.

That's my vow to you.

Well... I got a feeling about you two.

And even more than that...

I place a great deal of confidence

in this lady's judgment.

JERRY: Oh, that's judgment.

That's a pile of judgment there.

That's a pile of judgment there.

Yeah. Judgment with earrings on, yes.

So...

let's make a pilot.

I had, uh, gone up to Westchester.

I, uh, go there every Tuesday.

I do charity work with the blind

in my spare time

for the Lighthouse.

I was in the middle of a game of Parcheesi

with an old blind man,

and I excused myself to call my friend,

as he was very depressed lately

as he was very depressed lately

because he never became a banker.

I don't understand.

You see, it had been his lifelong dream

to be a banker,

and he'd, uh, just the day before,

he was turned down by another bank.

I believe it was

the Manufacturers Hanover on Lexington and 40th Street.

That was the third bank in two weeks

to turn him down,

so I was-- I was a little concerned.

I wanted to see how he was doing.

Well, Your Honor, he was barely audible,

but I-- I distinctly recall him saying...

Yo-Yo Ma!

Yo-Yo Ma!

So I sped home to save my friend's life,

and I was stopped for speeding.

Yes, I admit I was speeding,

but it was to save a man's life.

A close friend.

An innocent person

who wanted nothing more out of life

than to love,

to be loved,

and to be a banker!

So then he didn't kill himself?

No, sir, he did not,

but only by the grace of God.

He is, uh, in the courtroom today,

He is, uh, in the courtroom today,

sitting right over there!

And he can corroborate my entire testimony.

I told you. I told you!

[CACKLING]

And now all we got to do is write it.

Yes! How are we gonna do that?

Hey! Congratulations.

Oh, thanks. Thank you. Thank you, thank you.

Gee, you know, I thought you were mad at me. No.

Mr. Seinfeld, you have a telephone call.

Phone call?

Phone call?

Who knows I'm here?

Hello.

Mom?

How did you know I was here?

Oh, I was not rude to him! That is baloney.

I couldn't talk. I had a meeting.

I don't know.

He went off on some thing about pajamas.

When you sent me the bill

for the dry-cleaning,

I thought the show didn't have a chance.

Oh, it was only vomit.

Oh, it was only vomit.

Anyway, I-- I would like to,

uh, to pay for the dry-cleaning.

Oh, no, no. It's okay.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

We all chipped in. We have the money.

Well... Well, it was $18.

Okay, $18, and, uh...

There it is, there you go.

All right.

So, uh, maybe we could get together this weekend.

Yeah. Call me.

All right. Great.

Bye.

Bye. Thanks.

Bye.

I can't believe she took the money.

I can't believe she took the money.

Why?

I offered to pay. She should've said no.

She did. You insisted.

Maybe this is what

the pilot should be about:

vomiting on somebody's vest.

Nah.

How much are we gonna get for this, 50, 60,000?

Oh, I-- I don't know.

We gotta get 50. All right, I'll tell you what.

We'll go to the coffee shop.

You call your manager. Maybe they made an offer.

Okay. All right, let's go, let's go.

Thirteen thousand?

Thirteen thousand.

Apiece?

No, for both.

That's insulting!

That's insulting!

Ted Danson makes $800,000 an episode!

Oh, would you stop with the Ted Danson?

Well, he does.

You're nuts. I'm sorry.

I can't live knowing

that Ted Danson makes that much more than me.

Who's he?

He's somebody.

What about me? You're nobody.

Why him? Why not me?

He's good. You're not.

I'm better than him.

You're worse.

Much, much worse.

There's Davola.

What? Where? Where?

Outside, I just saw him outside.

What is it?

Oh, it's this patient.

Again?

I'm fairly certain

I forgot to leave him

an extra prescription for his medication.

Well, so, he can live without his Valium

for a couple of days.

No, you don't understand.

He could be dangerous.

Go outside and see if he's there.

Go outside and see if he's there.

I can't go out there. He knows we're friends.

What am I supposed to do?

I gotta take Kramer to the doctor.

Tell the cop.

Good idea.

Excuse me, officer.

There's a guy outside, and he's kind of a nut job,

and I think he's waiting to beat me up.

If you could just walk me outside

and wait till I get into a cab...

Yeah, all right.

Uh, just-- Just let me get a muffin.

Thanks.

Well...

He's gonna get a muffin, then he'll walk us outside.

This is a great way to go through life, isn't it?

Hey, he's looking at the menu now.

What's he looking at the menu for?

I thought you said he was gonna get a muffin.

What are you doing?

What?

What?

What, are you ordering food now?

Yeah.

Yeah, I decided to get a sandwich.

What happened to the muffin?

I got a little hungry.

All of a sudden you get hungry?

Yeah. You got a problem with that?

No.

Enjoy your lunch.

You know, a muffin can be very filling.

He's getting a sandwich now.

I thought he was just gonna have a muffin.

I thought he was just gonna have a muffin.

All of a sudden, he gets hungry.

You know, a muffin can be very filling.

I know!

Mr. Kramer.

You heard the testimony so far.

Would you please tell the court in your own words

what happened on the afternoon of September 10th?

What do you mean, "in my own words"?

Whose words are they gonna be?

You know what I mean.

I was very upset that day.

And why was that?

And why was that?

Would you let me say--? Let me talk.

All right, all right.

Go ahead, go ahead.

All right. Okay.

I was very upset that day

because I could never become a banker.

And this failure to become a banker...

it was eating at you.

Eating, eating, eating at you inside.

Uh, yeah.

It was your family that pushed you into banking.

It was their dream for you. Mr. Newman.

Your Honor, I'm only trying to establish

Mr. Kramer's fragile emotional state.

Mr. Kramer's fragile emotional state.

My entire case depends on it.

Uh...continue.

As you were saying, Mr. Kramer?

What was the question?

You're telling how your parents pushed you into banking.

Right.

Well, my father, when I was a kid,

he took me to the bank. And he lifted me up.

And he pointed to the teller

and he said, "Sonny boy, take a good look at him.

That's gonna be you someday."

But you never became a banker, did you, Mr. Kramer?

Why?

Why?

Why did you fail?

I don't know.

It was because you hated your father,

and you would do anything to displease him.

Isn't that true?

Uh, could you get to the speeding?

Yes, I intend to, Your Honor.

And then,

on the afternoon of September 10th,

you received a phone call,

did you not?

Phone call?

Yes, a phone call.

From who?

From me. From you?

Yes! From me. From me!

Yes! From me. From me!

I called you, remember?

You called me?

Yes, I called you, you idiot!

Because you were going to...

You were going to... Remember?

What? You were gonna--

You were gonna ack-ka-ka-ka!

Gonna do something!

You were dai-ya deh, wha-hey!

To yourself!

You were gonna do something to yourself!

Remember, the banking?! The banking!

Wha--! Ha! Hoo! Forget the banking?!

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to call--

Yes, a banker! What banker?

A banker! A banker!

Your Honor, Your Honor, Your Honor...

That's enough, Mr.--

Your Honor, Mr. Kramer is obviously very distraught.

I'm distraught?

I'm distraught?

You shut up! Woo, woo, woo, woo!

[PANTING]

I demand a recess so that I can take him outside

and help him regain his composure!

That'll be $75.

What's the matter with you, you jerk?

We had it all worked out.

Is he out there? Do you see him?

I'm not sure.

Well, either you see him or you don't.

All right. I don't.

What is he doing?

Is he getting coffee?

I think he's getting coffee.

What's with this guy?

Did you just order coffee?

Yeah.

This is really too much.

What is your problem?

Well, I'm sitting over there,

waiting for you to finish your sandwich

for 20 minutes.

Now you're drinking coffee.

That's gonna be another 10 minutes.

Well, you're just gonna have to wait.

Well, you're just gonna have to wait.

You never said anything about the banking.

You're off your rocker.

Hey, you guys.

Hey. What're you doing here?

What're you doing here?

Hey, is Davola outside?

Davola? Yeah.

No, I didn't see him.

Crazy Joe Davola?

Jerry, yours is $11.

Eleven dollars, for what?

Muffin, sandwich and coffee.

Hey, NBC okayed our idea. We're gonna make the pilot.

You're gonna do the circus-freak show, huh?

No.

A pilot!

So, what do you make for something like that,

50, 60,000?

What's the difference?

What's the difference?

The money's not important.

Hey, Newman, is that your red car?

Yeah.

I think you're getting a ticket.

Go. Run. Run. Go! Go! Go!

NEWMAN: Hey, what are you doing?

It's after 6:00!

You can't give me a ticket.

Hey, you're not gonna get away with this.

I'll fight this! I've got witnesses.

KRAMER: I saw the whole thing.

I think this whole thing

would be a good idea for the pilot.

Ah, get out of here. The vomiting is much funnier.

Oh, like you know what you're talking about.

No. You do.

Many states in the country

now have traffic school when you have an infraction.

I went to traffic school. I didn't mind it.

I went to traffic school. I didn't mind it.

I kind of felt bad

for the traffic school instructor.

This guy goes to traffic school every day,

no matter how he drives.

What is his incentive to not speed?

He's going to traffic school anyway.

Why not get a race car,

do 200 miles an hour down the street?

Cop stops you. "Where're you going?"

"Traffic school."

"Go ahead. And you better hurry.

You really need it."

Maybe the punishment should be,

instead of traffic school or traffic court,

just traffic.

They sentence you to 100 hours of traffic.

They sentence you to 100 hours of traffic.

They assign, like, five people to drive all around you

at five miles an hour wherever you go.

You're on your way to Vegas, there isn't a car in sight...

"Come on. Move it."