Original subtitles

ANNOUNCER: Last week on Seinfeld...

Oh, uh, yeah, I'm here for the audition.

The Tonight Show called me

to come out and do the show on the 28th,

and they're giving me two free tickets to L.A.

You wanna go? A free ticket?

Yeah, in fact, we could track down Kramer.

I got a very big meeting.

I got people interested in my treatment.

Pretty young thing. She was.

We're going on a two-day trip.

What are you, Diana Ross?

Ladies and gentlemen, I implore you.

Don't look. Don't look.

It's Fred Savage.

Oh, did I frighten you?

I'm not crazy.

I may look weird, but I'm just like you.

I may look weird, but I'm just like you.

I'm just a regular guy trying to make it in this business.

No witnesses?

Just the trees, Johnny.

Just the trees.

Could you not tuck the blankets in?

'Cause I can't sleep all tucked in.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]

I think we just caught a break.

All right.

That's one tuck, and one no tuck.

So that's when I said, "Hey, Kramer, dude,

Have you ever killed a man before?"

You're on The Tonight Show. NBC.

Who else is on the show?

Who else is on the show?

I don't know.

Corbin Bernsen.

Do I have a case

for you guys to do on L.A. Law.

I don't want to tell you how to run your show.

No, of course not.

Really, it's enough with the bar already.

He's a very handsome man, passionate, intense,

but troubled, strange.

Let's pick up this, uh...Kramer.

Kramer!

Police have just released a photo of the suspect

being sought in connection with the slayings.

He is known only as Kramer.

He is known only as Kramer.

There are many different jobs in the police.

It seems to me that "chalk outline guy"

is one of the better jobs that you can get.

You know, it's not too dangerous,

the criminals are long gone.

That seems like a good one.

I don't know who they are.

I guess they're people

that wanted to be sketch artists,

but they couldn't draw too well.

"Listen, Johnson, forget the sketches.

"Do you think if we left the dead body

"right there on the sidewalk,

"You could manage to trace around it?

Could you do that?"

Could you do that?"

I don't even know

how that helps them solve the crime.

You know, they look at the thing on the ground--

"Oh, his arm was like that when he hit the pavement.

That means the killer must have been...Jim."

GEORGE: He's on the lam. He's on the loose!

Would you let go of my arm?

I'm trying to drive.

You're gonna get us both killed.

What are we supposed to do?

What do you do in a situation like this?

Should we call a lawyer? The police?

Obviously, we're gonna call the police

and tell them he's not the guy.

We hope he's not the guy.

Couldn't be the guy.

Nah.

God, I'm starved.

I'm weak with hunger.

How can you think of food

at a time like this?

At a time like what?

I'm hungry.

I'm hungry.

My stomach doesn't know that Kramer's wanted.

I told you to have breakfast.

You should have had breakfast!

I couldn't have breakfast.

It was lunchtime.

The three-hour time difference threw me.

I wanted a tuna fish sandwich.

They wouldn't serve me a tuna fish sandwich

because they were only serving breakfast.

You should've had some eggs.

For lunch?

Who eats eggs for lunch?

Have you ever heard of egg salad?

Why didn't you say something?

I gotta tell you

about the existence of egg salad?

I need food, Jerry.

I'm feeling faint.

I'm getting light-headed.

I got to call the police.

I got to call the police.

There's a pay phone over there.

Pay phone in L.A.

Look, it's a miracle.

KRAMER: ♪ She'll be comin' Around the mountain ♪

♪ When she comes Whoa, yeah ♪

♪ She'll be comin' around-- ♪

[SLIPS AND FALLS]

I have no change. You got any change?

No, I don't have any change. I never carry change.

Well, I need change, and all I got is 20s.

I have a 10. So break it.

I hate asking for change.

They always make a face.

It's like I'm asking them to donate a kidney.

So buy something.

What?

I don't know, some mints or Tic Tacs.

I don't know, some mints or Tic Tacs.

Breath problem?

No, I just want some change.

Tell me.

Your breath is fine.

It's delightful.

It's delicious.

You know, I haven't eaten anything.

I just wanna call the police.

Why don't you just call 911?

But is this an emergency?

Of course it is.

How is this an emergency?

Your friend has been accused

of being a serial killer.

I think that qualifies.

All right, I'll call 911.

Think he did it?

Could he have done it?

Could he have done it?

He couldn't have done it.

How could he have done it?

Couldn't do it. Could he?

Hello, 911?

How are you?

I'm sorry. Just a reflex.

I know it's an emergency number.

It is an emergency.

My friend has been accused of being the Smog Strangler,

and I know he didn't do it.

They're putting me through to the detective

in charge of the investigation.

Making terrific headway.

What's my name?

Who am I?

I'm, uh...

[QUIETLY] George Costanza.

[QUIETLY] George Costanza.

What's the matter with you?

Are you crazy?

What are you using my name for?

Oh, don't be a baby. What are you scared of?

What am I scared of?

The same thing you are: Everything.

Why don't you use your own name?

Your name is a good name.

Costanza. Sounds like it stands for something.

They'll believe us.

Really?

Sure.

You think so? Oh, yeah.

Yes, I have some very important information

regarding the Smog Strangler.

Get yourself a mint or something.

Can I come in right now?

I suppose.

Where are you located?

Where are you located?

Where is that?

I don't know where we are.

Where are we?

I don't know.

We don't know.

He says ask somebody.

Ask that guy.

Excuse me, where are we?

Earth.

Hey, you know,

I'm on the phone with the police.

Some guy just gave me a wise answer.

Ask that woman.

Excuse me, miss, what street are we on?

I don't know. You don't know?

I don't know.

How could you not know what street you're on?

You don't know.

You don't know.

George, it says here on the phone.

It's 12145 Ventura Boulevard.

Uh-huh, okay.

Do we know where the 101 is?

No.

Do we know where the 170 is?

No.

Do we know where the 134 is?

No.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

He's gonna send a black and white

to pick us up.

Black and white?

Cop car.

Why didn't you just say that?

I thought it sounded kind of cool.

I thought it sounded kind of cool.

Yeah, real cool. You're a cool guy.

Oh, you are.

I guarantee you Lupe's gonna tuck your covers in.

I'll bet you. How much?

Her tip.

You got a bet. Okay.

How much do you tip a chambermaid?

Which one of you is Costanza?

Get in.

Hi. How are you?

Guys, listen,

do either one of you have, like,

a mint or a piece of gum?

[SNEEZES]

Hey, Jerry, do me a favor.

Close your window.

[LAUGHS]

Hey, get out of here.

Hey, officer,

he's fooling around back here.

Cut it out back there.

He started it.

I did not.

You guys gonna be

going through some red lights?

I don't think so.

But you could.

Oh, yeah.

Of course we could.

Of course we could.

We could do anything we want.

We can drive

on the wrong side of the road.

Yeah, we do that all the time.

You should see the looks on the people's faces.

Shoot people.

You guys ever shot anybody?

No. No.

Hey, can I flip on the siren?

What are you bothering them for?

I'm just asking.

All they have to do is say no.

Yeah, go ahead.

[SIREN WAILS]

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo. Check it out.

Can I try it?

Yeah, go ahead. Hurry up.

Yeah, go ahead. Hurry up.

[SIREN WAILS]

Scared the hell out of that guy!

You know what I've never understood?

Why did they change the siren noise?

When I was a kid, it was always,

"Whaa...Whaa," you know,

and now it's,

"Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo. Whoo-whoo-whoo."

Why'd they do that?

I mean, did they do some research?

Did they find out that "whoo-whoo"

is more effective siren than "whaa"?

Yeah, and, hey,

what about those English sirens,

you know?

BOTH: "Eee-a, eee-a, eee-a, eee-a."

Hey!

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

Come on.

Wow.

I'm dizzy.

Nice shotgun.

Thanks.

Clean as a whistle.

You could eat off that shotgun.

What is that, a 12-gauge?

What is that, a 12-gauge?

Yeah.

Twelve-gauge.

That seems to be the most popular gauge.

Big gauge. My favorite.

Mine too. Love the 12-gauge.

Makes the 11-gauge look like a cap pistol.

What have we got over there?

What?

I don't know.

Looks like a possible 519.

519? What's a 519?

Where?

Think so?

Looks like it.

I can't believe this.

A 519?

Where? Where? I can't see.

This is car 23.

We have a possible 519 in progress, over.

All right,

All right,

let's pull over and check it out.

Pull over?

JERRY: You can't pull over.

GEORGE: What are you doing?

Where do you think you're going?

Pull over?

The lieutenant is waiting to see us.

Hey, hey, hey, we're in a rush here!

We have an appointment.

What are you doing?

Great.

GEORGE: There's a bag

of Pepperidge Farm cookies up there.

JERRY: What kind?

JERRY: What kind?

Milano.

Cops eating Milanos?

What crazy town is this?

Should I take some?

I think that's a 519.

I'm starving.

OFFICER 1: Spread 'em.

Hey, they're busting this guy.

GEORGE: They're cuffing him.

[SPITS]

I can't believe this.

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

I can't believe that cops still have to read

I can't believe that cops still have to read

that whole "You have the right to remain silent" speech

to every criminal they arrest.

I mean, is there anybody that doesn't know that by now?

I mean, can't they just go,

"Freeze! You're under arrest.

You ever seen a Baretta?"

"Yeah." "Good. Get in the car."

Hi.

Hi. I'm Jerry.

George. How you doing?

Oh. Heh.

What'd you do?

Nothing.

Nothing.

Oh, yeah, right.

Me neither.

Hey, I didn't do nothing.

Shut up.

Hot out.

Brutal.

What do you tip a chambermaid?

I don't know. Five bucks a night.

No!

A dollar. Two, tops.

Hey, you guys aren't cuffed.

What are you, narcs?

Narcs.

Imagine. Us narcs.

Imagine. Us narcs.

No, no, no.

No, actually,

we're friends of a serial killer.

Just trying to help him out.

Really? Yeah.

That's very nice. Oh, thank you.

Suspected serial killer.

He didn't actually do it.

Yeah, well, we don't think.

We're pretty sure.

A dollar a night?

Yeah, that's a good tip.

Aw, that stinks.

I read it in Ann Landers.

Aw, Ann Landers sucks!

Hey, shut up back there.

DISPATCHER [OVER RADIO]: Attention, all units. Attention, all units.

DISPATCHER [OVER RADIO]: Attention, all units. Attention, all units.

All units, code three.

All units in the area, code three in progress,

1648 North Las Palmas.

Units require assistance in apprehension 702.

That's the Smog Strangler.

JERRY: Kramer!

They got him. Let's go.

[SIREN WAILING]

[BRAKES SCREECH]

[INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER]

We've got to go

and see what's happening.

I don't know why I'm doing this.

Oh, man.

Jerry! George!

You're under arrest for first-degree murder

in the death of Miss Chelsea Lang.

REPORTER: Why'd you do it?

Why'd you do it?

People want to know, please!

What possessed you?

Well, I don't know.

You have any regrets?

How are you?

Hey!

[LAUGHS]

Hey!

[GLASS BANGS]

Hey, how you doing?

Jerry, George.

We're doing fine. How are you?

We're doing fine. How are you?

What? Oh, me?

Fabulous. Just fabulous.

I got a lot of auditions,

a lot of callbacks.

And I got a lot of interest

in my movie treatment.

I'm in development.

I'm developing vehicles.

Man, there's a lot of energy here, man.

You know, the vibe, it's powerful.

I'm just swept up in it.

Yeah, I'm a player.

A player?

Oh, yeah, I'm a player.

Kramer, do you realize what's going on here?

Do you know why you're here?

[LAUGHS]

What, this?

What, this?

I'll be outta here in a couple of hours.

Hey, guess who I met today.

Fred Savage.

Oh, nice kid. A really good kid.

You know, we're talking about doing a project together.

Kramer, you've been arrested as a serial killer.

So?

I'm innocent.

I mean, you guys believe that I'm innocent,

don't you?

Jerry? George?

Yeah, sure. Yeah, sure.

[LAUGHS]

Kramer, let's go. Lieutenant wants to see you.

Kramer, let's go. Lieutenant wants to see you.

Yeah, okay, yeah.

All right. Look.

I'll be out of here by noon.

Maybe we'll have lunch together, huh?

Hey, is it all right if I talk to them again?

Yeah, okay.

Help me! Oh, God, help me!

Get me out of here!

George, Jerry, get me out!

Get me--!

I didn't kill anyone.

I swear! I swear to God!

Don't you ever swear to my god, Kramer.

Don't you ever swear to my god, Kramer.

My god is the god

that protects the innocent

and punishes evil scum like you.

Have you got that?

You're making a big mistake.

No! You made a mistake, Kramer.

Sickies like you always do.

The only difference

is this time you're gonna pay.

What?

Now, you might beat the gas chamber, Kramer,

but as long as I have got a breath in my body,

you will never, ever, see the light of day again.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You got the wrong man!

It wasn't me!

Oh, yeah, right.

Maybe it was one

of your other personalities, huh?

What?

The wise guy, the little kid,

The wise guy, the little kid,

the bellhop, the ballplayer,

maybe the door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman,

but not you, right?

No, you wouldn't hurt a fly.

You just couldn't help yourself,

could you, Kramer?

You saw a life brimming brightly

with optimism and verve,

and you had to snuff it out.

All right, can I talk to somebody?

Can I just explain? You're not letting me explain.

I'm not interested in your explanations, Kramer.

Sure, I bet you've got a million of them.

Maybe your mother didn't love you enough.

Maybe the teacher didn't call on you in school

when you had your little hand raised.

Maybe the pervert in the park

Maybe the pervert in the park

had a present in his pants, huh?

Well, I've got another theory, Kramer.

You're a weed. No.

Society's filled with them. No, no.

And you're choking the life out of all the pretty flowers.

[WHIMPERING]

You see something young, something pretty,

you just gotta choke the life out of it.

Don't you, Kramer, huh?

You killed the pretty flowers, didn't you, Kramer?

You killed the pretty little flowers,

didn't you?

You dirty, filthy, stinking weed!

Didn't you?

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

I...

Lieutenant.

For you.

For you.

[SOBBING]

Martel.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What is it, lieutenant?

Let him go.

What? But lieutenant--

You heard me.

I said let him go.

Get him out of here.

They just found another body

up in Laurel Canyon.

Go on, Kramer, get out of my sight.

Hey, how'd you know about the guy in the park?

I said, beat it.

[THUD]

[LAUGHS]

What? What happened?

Somebody got killed while they had me in custody.

Really? Yeah.

You hear that? Somebody else was killed.

No kidding!

Somebody else got killed?

While he was in jail.

So you're free!

Yes, I'm free...

♪ 'Cause the murderer Struck again ♪

Hey!

So, Kramer, what are you gonna do?

Do? Do?

Do? Do?

Hey, I'm doing what I do.

You know, I've always done what I do.

I'm doing what I do

the way I've always done it,

and the way I'll always do it.

Kramer, what the hell are you talking about?

Well, what do you want me to say?

That things haven't worked out the way that I planned?

That I'm struggling,

barely able to keep my head above water?

That L.A.'s a cold place even in the middle of summer?

That it's a lonely place,

even when you're stuck in traffic

on the Hollywood freeway?

That I'm no better

than the screenwriter driving a cab,

than the screenwriter driving a cab,

the starlet turning tricks,

the producer in a house he can't afford?

Is that what you want me to say?

I'd like to hear that. Yeah.

Well, I'm not saying that.

You know,

things are going pretty well for me here.

I met a girl.

Kramer, she was murdered.

Yeah, well, you know,

I wasn't looking for a long-term relationship.

I was on TV.

As a suspect in a serial killing.

Okay, yeah, all right.

You guys gotta put a negative spin

on everything, don't you?

What do they put in this tuna?

What do they put in this tuna?

Tastes like a dill. I think it's a dill.

So you're not gonna come back to New York with us?

No, no... I'm not ready.

You know, I mean,

things are starting to happen for me.

Taste this.

Is this a dill?

No, it's a tarragon.

Listen, Kramer...

I'm sorry about that whole fight we had

about you having my apartment keys

and everything.

Well...

Okay, it's forgotten.

Tarragon?

Yeah.

Oh, you're crazy.

Oh, you're crazy.

All right. Take it easy, buddy.

Yeah, okay.

Yep, take care. Stay in touch.

Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Come on, give me a hug.

Kramer, Kramer, my sandwich.

You're crushing my sandwich.

You know,

it's so nice when it happens good.

[GRUNTS]

Mint?

No, thanks.

I gotta tell you,

I'm really disappointed in Lupe.

It's been three days already.

Forget about Lupe.

Think she gets to take

any of those little bars of soap home?

No, I don't.

You'd think at the end of the week

when they're handing out the checks,

they'd thrown in a few soaps.

Yeah, maybe they should throw in

a couple of lamps too.

I tell you something.

If I owned a company, my employees would love me.

If I owned a company, my employees would love me.

They'd have huge pictures of me

up on the walls and in their home...

like Lenin.

How much did you wind up tipping her?

Oh, my God, I forgot.

That's why communism didn't work.

Hey!

[DOOR BANGS]

Oh...

Got any mustard? This is empty.

Yeah, there's a new one in there.

No, no, I don't like this one.

No, no, I don't like this one.

It's too yellow.

[WHISPERS] Did you know he was back?

No. Got any pickles?

Help yourself.

Yeah.

All right.

Kramer, what are you doing here?

I'm getting something to eat.

JERRY: Kramer.

Here.

All right.

Authorities disclosed today

that the latest suspect in the Smog Stranglings

was apprehended this week on an unrelated charge,

but somehow managed to escape

from the police car in which he was being held.

Tobias Lehigh Nagy,

who is also wanted

in connection with a series of unrelated slayings

in the Northwest,

is still at large,

his whereabouts unknown.

He is described as 5'5", bald,

and reputedly a very generous tipper.

and reputedly a very generous tipper.

The thing about L.A. to me

that kind of threw me was when, you know,

they have the smog alerts out there,

and they actually recommend that people stay indoors

during the smog alert.

Now, maybe I'm way off,

but don't you think--?

Wouldn't you assume that the air in the house

pretty much comes from the air in the city

where the house is?

I mean, what do they think,

we live in a jar

we live in a jar

with a couple of holes punched in the top?

What the hell is going on out there?

It's very strange.

I mean, do you realize it is now possible

for parents to say to their children,

"All right, kids,

"I want you in the house and get some fresh air.

Summer vacation. Everybody indoors."

[♪]