Original subtitles

Parking lots now, they have this "compact car only" spot.

Isn't that discrimination against the size of your car?

CROWD: Yeah!

If I want my ass hanging out of the back of my parking spot,

that's my business.

There are people out there

with real asses hanging out of their pants.

Nobody's stopping them.

Nobody goes, "Hey, hold it, sir. Those are compact jeans.

You can't pull that in there."

Hey.

I got some bad news for you, buddy.

I think your car got stolen again.

What are you talking about?

Well, you parked it on 84th and Columbus, right?

Yeah. Well, I just walked by there,

and that car is gone.

Vvvvvvvvt!

Oh, yeah, I know.

Whoa. Well, where is it?

What's the difference?

Well, there's no difference.

You know, I'm just curious.

You always have to know everything that's going on,

don't you?

What happened to the car?

What happened to the car?

If I don't tell you, it will kill you, won't it?

Yeah, yeah, it'll kill me.

You have to know. You must know.

I must know.

Well, I'm not telling you.

Oh, come on.

No, I don't think so.

Well, please?

Not today, pal.

Okay, I beg you.

Now, see, just saying "beg" doesn't make it a real beg.

You gotta put some beg into it.

Okay. Please!

Please, tell me!

Come on.

All right, I'll tell you,

but your begging needs a lot of work.

but your begging needs a lot of work.

Okay, okay, what is it? Come on.

I loaned the car to George.

Ah! [FINGERS SNAP, HANDS CLAP]

George. All right.

Well, what for?

George and Elaine

went to a flea market in Westchester.

Okay? All right.

Ah! Ah.

I mean, why'd they wanna go there for?

Would you stop it already!

You know, why didn't they ask me to go?

I don't know!

How am I supposed to know?!

What, they don't like me?

I don't like you!

Well, if they like me, why didn't they ask me to go?

Well, if they like me, why didn't they ask me to go?

Oh, yeah.

I really think it looks good.

Ten bucks. How can you go wrong?

All bald people look good in hats.

You should've lived in the '20s and '30s.

You know, men wore hats all the time then.

Pssh. What a bald paradise that must have been.

Nobody knew.

ELAINE: Well, you can wear a hat all the time now.

Who's stopping you?

Who's stopping you?

Nah, I can't.

What if meet a woman?

I'd always be worried about that first moment where I take it off

and see that look of disappointment on her face.

You sure you like these sunglasses?

Hmm.

[TIRES SQUEAL]

[CRASH]

Ew.

Well, I'm very disappointed in George and Elaine,

and you know I'm somebody

you don't wanna have on your bad side.

Why not?

Because I'm like ice, buddy.

When I don't like you, you got problems.

Oh, is this for the fight?

Yeah. Starts in 35 minutes. Mmm.

[HUMMING]

Whoo! Whoo!

Whoo! Yeah.

Oh, hey, you know, I invited Mike Moffett.

You don't mind, do you?

No. I like Mike.

Yeah.

Yeah, I just got off the phone with him.

You know, we had a... great conversation.

Oh, yeah? What'd you talk about?

Well, actually, um...

we talked about you.

Yeah.

He had some pretty interesting things to say.

Oh, yeah? What did he say?

You have to know everything, don't you?

No, come on, Kramer.

What did he say? Why is that? Why...

do you have to know everything?

Kramer, just tell me what the guy said.

Beg me.

Please, don't make me beg. No, no, no.

I want you to beg, and I don't want you to say it.

I want you to put some beg into it. Go on.

Kramer, please, No.

tell me what the guy said.

No, no, no, no, that's no good.

No, I really don't think that's a beg.

No way. It's close, but...

Kramer!

Kramer!

Look, I can't say anything.

You know, the guy told me this stuff in confidence.

I'd be betraying a friend.

Well, you can't just mention it

and then not tell me.

All right. I'll tell you,

but you can't say anything to him.

I'm not saying anything. I'm putting it in the vault.

I'm locking the vault. It's a vault.

He thinks you're a phony.

He what?

I told you. He thinks you're a phony.

A phony? He called me a phony?

A big phony.

Big one.

Why did you tell me that if I can't say anything?

Why did you tell me that if I can't say anything?

You begged me.

[SIGHS]

[CLANGING]

Do you hear that?

Of course I hear that.

You had to move the mirror.

I wanted to check out my sunglasses.

I went to look into the mirror.

It wasn't there. You threw off my equilibrium.

Oh, yeah, blame it on me because you can't drive, George.

I can't drive?

Yeah.

Nobody drives like me. Nobody.

I'm doing things in this car,

you have no idea they're going on.

You wanna see me make a right turn

from the left lane? Watch this.

No, I really don't.

No, I really don't.

I can make a left turn from the right lane.

I'm sure you could.

What're we gonna tell Jerry about the car?

I don't know.

All right, start looking for spaces.

Oh, you're never gonna find a space on Jerry's block.

Just put it in a garage.

Look, I have my system.

First, I look for the dream spot right in front of the door,

then I slowly expand out in concentric circles.

No, come on, George, please put it in a garage.

I don't wanna spend an hour looking for a space.

I can't park in a garage.

Why?

I don't know. I just can't.

Nobody in my family can pay for parking.

Nobody in my family can pay for parking.

It's a sickness.

My father never paid for parking,

my mother, my brother, nobody.

We can't do it.

I'll pay for it.

You don't understand.

A garage...

I can't even pull in there.

It's like going to a prostitute.

Why should I pay when, if I apply myself,

maybe I could get it for free?

[HORN HONKS] What?

What do you want?

Go around me. I'm looking for spaces.

Oh, George, there's a space right there!

Oh, beautiful. You just passed it, see?

Oh, beautiful. You just passed it, see?

Look at that, the dream space,

right in front of Jerry's building.

Yeah. Huh? Huh?

Dreams can come true. What did I tell you?

You didn't even have to take it out to dinner.

Yeah, all--

[CHUCKLES]

[BOTH LAUGH]

All right.

Now you're gonna see some parallel parking.

[SPITS]

How I wish you could make a living

parallel parking.

It's all geometry,

knowing all the angles,

when to make that first turn,

and then when to...

swing it back in. That's the key.

swing it back in. That's the key.

Will you just park it already?

There's nothing I can even impart to you.

That's the sad thing.

It's so inborn.

I can't pass it on.

Hmm.

Look at this guy.

What are you--?

What are you, crazy? What are you doing?

Hey, hey!

You're stealing my space!

George, wait, you don't know who this guy is.

People kill for a parking space in this city.

No, no, he's not getting away with this.

No-- George!

Hey, what-- What are you doing?

I think I'm parking my car.

I think I'm parking my car.

You can't do that.

You can't just sneak in from the back like that.

I'm not sneaking.

I didn't even know you were parking.

You were just sitting there, three spaces up.

Well, if you didn't think I was parking,

why did you put it in headfirst?

Well, that's the way I park!

Anyway, you didn't start backing in

till I pulled in.

I was in the middle of a conversation.

Hey, buddy, what can I tell you?

All right, the point is I was here first.

I was closer to this space than you were!

But I'm backing in! You can't put it in headfirst!

I can if I have room!

Are you gonna move the car?

Are you gonna move the car?

No, I'm not gonna move the car.

Jerk.

Oh, you're not?

Do-- Do you believe this guy?

Come on, we'll put it in a garage.

I am not putting it in the garage.

It's my space.

What are you gonna do?

You just gonna leave it here like this?

Oh, I'm going upstairs.

Uh, are you coming back down?

Yeah, I gotta tell Jerry we're here.

I gotta go to the bathroom.

All right, just make sure

he reserves the good chair for me.

Wait, what are you gonna tell him

about the clanking noise in the car?

Me? No, no, no, you, you're gonna tell him.

I'm not gonna tell-- No, no,

no, come on, you're good at this.

no, come on, you're good at this.

What am I gonna say? I don't know, I don't know.

You'll think of something. Just break it to him gently.

Oh, man.

[HORN HONKS]

[HORN HONKS]

[PANTING] Oh, God.

Oh, God. I need a drink. Do you got any Hennigan's here?

Yeah, under the counter. What happened?

Oh, God.

Oh, Jerry, it was so terrible

what we just went through on the way home...

You wouldn't believe it.

What? Tell me what happened.

[COUGHS]

[GASPS]

Okay, now listen...

we were at the toll booth

at the Henry Hudson Parkway, okay?

And there were these, like--

this pack of--

Of e-extremely wild teenagers

in a convertible behind us, okay?

And for some reason-- I-- I don't know--

they just started to taunt us.

they just started to taunt us.

And so-- And so--

Then we paid the toll,

and then-- And then we went through,

and then they started to follow us, all right?

So George tries to lose them.

And-- And-- And--

But they were in this really,

like, a souped-up car, you know?

And so he-- He turned off the road, really suddenly,

and the car was on two wheels,

and I was just screaming. And-- And--

And then-- George is such a great driver.

He is?

Oh, he is fantastic,

and then they fired a gun right up in the air.

A gun?

I think it was a gun.

I think it was a gun.

And then-- And then they followed us

all the way into the city,

and then they just stopped, and they turned around,

and they went home.

Oh, my God. Are you okay?

Yeah, yeah, I'm all right. God.

Oh, man. Jeez.

Oh, by the way, the car hit a pothole,

and now it's making a clanking noise.

Oh, well, I mean, as long as you're okay, that...

That's the important thing.

Exactly.

Where's George now?

Oh, he's out in front of the building.

He's arguing with some guy about a parking space.

What are you talking about?

Well, look out the window. You'll see.

Hey, Georgie!

Hey!

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Crazy kids, huh?

What?

Ow!

[GROANING]

It's my cuticle.

It's my cuticle.

MAN: Is that Jerry?

Jerry!

Oh, hey, Mike.

What, you know Jerry?

Yeah, I know Jerry.

How do you know him?

What's the difference?

Because I know him too,

and probably a lot better than you.

Well, bully for you.

Hey, Jerry!

You know, your friend here

is a real piece of work!

I'm coming down.

Hey, will you tell Kramer I'm outside?

What, you know Kramer?

Hi.

Hello.

Hey, your friend Mike's outside.

He wants to talk to you.

Oh.

Hey, Mike.

Come on up! The fight's almost starting.

What, you're watching the fight at Jerry's?

Yeah.

Oh, great.

You know that guy downstairs?

You know that guy downstairs?

Yeah, he's a real phony.

What's going on?

Hey, will you come on down? This guy's in my space!

It's my space!

I'll be down in a minute!

Are you going down? Yeah.

Is anything wrong?

Why should anything be wrong?

[BLOWS HARD]

I'll be down in a minute.

Hey, pal...

Hey, pal...

you're not getting that space.

I mean, I'll sleep in my car if I have to.

I'll die out here.

He was down there.

Once he passed his front bumper,

it's no longer his space. No, it doesn't matter.

He was here first... [CHEERFULLY] Hey! Jerry!

Long time no see. Hi, Mike.

Indiana. Hey, Krame.

Hey. You know this guy?

Yeah, yeah, I know him.

You're looking tremendous.

You're looking tremendous.

What are you on, some kind of regimen?

Yeah, 25-percent bran flakes.

The 40 percent was too much,

so I found a store makes it up special for me.

They take it down another 15 percent.

[LAUGHS]

That's killer, killer!

I love that.

You've gotta use that. That's a definite.

Oh, come on.

Hey.

Your friend here has some real problems.

Me? You see what he did here?

You see how he tried to sneak into my space?

Just because I went front-first, doesn't mean I'm sneaking in.

Just because I went front-first, doesn't mean I'm sneaking in.

You went in front-first because you saw me backing up,

and you didn't have room to parallel park!

I went front-first because I can make it front-first,

and if you pull out, I'll show you!

You got a prayer.

Hey, I go in front-first all the time.

Oh, front-first, that's how you park

when you're pulling a bank job.

Did you-- Did you talk to him?

Yeah, yeah. It's all taken care of.

You told him? What--? What did you tell him?

I did a number on him.

It was a thing of beauty.

You really had to have been there to appreciate it.

I can't believe it. What--? What did you say?

I told him a pack of teenagers,

I told him a pack of teenagers,

in a convertible,

were terrorizing us,

and they followed us into the city.

A pack of teenagers? Yeah, yeah.

By the time I got to the end of the story,

he was so relieved that we were alive,

he couldn't care less about the car.

You are a genius.

Yeah. It's as simple as that.

What can I say? You know, it's a gift.

I only wish I could teach you, but...

you know, it's inborn.

Oh, by the way, thanks a lot

for inviting me to the flea market.

BOTH: What?

BOTH: What?

Yeah, Jerry, he told me all about it.

Oh, great.

I didn't know.

Oh, so that's why you were acting so funny.

Well, I didn't know you wanted to go to the flea market.

A flea market? You went to a flea market?

Hey, who's talking to you?

We just didn't think of you.

You said it, sister.

Oh, what, every time I leave my house,

now I have to call everybody I know, and ask them

if they want to do what I'm doing?

People forget. Look at Home Alone.

They forgot.

Yeah, great move telling him, by the way, real smart move.

I didn't know I wasn't supposed to say anything.

I didn't know I wasn't supposed to say anything.

[WHINING GIBBERISH]

Judgment, Jerry, judgment!

You exercised no judgment.

You're right, my fault.

I'm sorry, Kramer.

I'm so sorry, really.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry,

I don't care for that sorry.

What was wrong with that sorry?

That was a good sorry.

Jerry, was that a good sorry?

It was a so-so sorry.

[HORN HONKS]

Hey, move this car! I gotta get through!

You heard the man.

I guess you'd better be moving your car.

I guess you'd better be moving your car.

And, like, you're not just gonna back it in

if I do that.

Well, somebody better move something soon.

I got a truck full of ice cream here!

[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

See, they had to move the car

so the truck could get through, right?

But these guys don't trust each other,

so they got these two non-partisan drivers

to move them.

Wild pack of teenagers, huh?

Yeah.

Amazing how they pick...

you, out of everyone, to terrorize.

Yeah, I know. I said--

I said to myself, "Why us?"

You remember? I-- Mm-hmm.

Sounds like you did some pretty nifty maneuvering.

Well, you know, i-i-it's interesting, when, you know,

Well, you know, i-i-it's interesting, when, you know,

un-- under that pressure, what you're capable of.

Mmm. Right.

I learned a lot about myself. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. [METAL SCRAPING]

What did you do to my car? I couldn't help it.

Elaine moved the mirror. I got discombobulated.

Oh, like you've ever been bobulated.

I thought you said you were a good driver.

No, no. I never said I was a good driver.

I said I was a good parker.

I think you said driver.

No, parker. I never said driver. I said parker, great parker.

Hey, that's not the way it was. Will you move it?

No, no, no, that's in the right position.

No, no, I was further in.

No, you weren't. Stop there. That's fine.

No, you weren't. Stop there. That's fine.

Do you mind? Do you?

Hey, somebody better move these cars.

You're making a commotion.

Hey, Sid.

Who are you?

Never mind who I am.

I know who I am. Do you know who you are?

Why is it

every time you park a car in this block,

everything gets disrupted and disjointed?

Sid, it's completely his fault.

Oh, right.

Why don't you start taking the bus?

JERRY: Okay, George, come on.

Let's go. I'm putting it in a garage.

The fight's starting in two minutes.

It's enough already! No, don't do it!

What are we gonna do? Stay out here all night?

Yes, I'm not giving him the satisfaction.

It's my space.

It's my space.

Why don't you just flip a coin already?

No, no, no, this is a matter of principle.

That would just be saying that anybody can just

pull into any parking space any way they want.

Well, I'm making a stand here.

I'm saying no to headfirst parking!

I'm not putting up with that.

We put up with too much crap in this city!

We're not putting up with headfirst parking!

You know, maybe if you hadn't been sitting there

pontificating about what a great parker you were,

you might've got the space.

Oh, so you're against me now?

Ohhh... The man, he could've

pulled up to that car and backed in,

but he chose to go in headfirst.

No, he couldn't,

because the other car was already backing in.

No, he wasn't.

All that matters is who was there first.

Ah, you're not even old enough to drive, you little puke.

You just spit on me!

Don't you raise your voice to me!

You're not my father!

Hey, Matthew.

Hi, Jerry.

This guy's really a jerk.

How you doing?

Okay.

Hey, how's your father? I hear he's closing his store.

What?

Oh, no, nothing. Nothing.

What's happened to Daddy? He's going out of business?

What's happened to Daddy? He's going out of business?

No, no, no, no.

We're not going to have any money?

No. We're out of money?

No, of course not, of course not.

Mommy!

Jerry says Daddy's closing the store.

He's going out of business.

We don't have any money?

Jerry, what's the matter with you?

I didn't...

Boy, I don't know about your friend, Jerry.

He says some pretty stupid things sometimes.

Yeah.

[SIGHS]

Oh, congratulations.

What for?

Well, you're pregnant.

Well, you're pregnant.

What?

You're not pregnant?

No, I'm not pregnant.

Are you sure you're not pregnant?

Yes, I'm sure.

Whew. That's weird.

Come on, Matthew. No!

Come on, Matthew!

I thought she was pregnant.

Hey, do you think I'm a phony?

What? Mike thinks I'm a phony.

He thinks you're a phony?

Yeah, but I can't say anything,

because Kramer wasn't supposed to tell me.

Oh, you have to say something.

I can't. I told Kramer I was vaulting it.

Well, you gotta open the vault.

Open my vault? Open your vault.

Open my vault? Open your vault.

Once I open the vault, it ceases to be a vault.

You have no choice.

Oy, the vault.

You wanna know why you can't go in front-first?

I'll tell you why.

Because it signals a breakdown

in the social order.

Chaos!

It reduces us to jungle law.

Well, when can you park headfirst?

Never!

What're you asking this guy for?

Who's talking to you?

He's right. Never.

Oh, yeah?

Well, what if you got 10 car lengths?

Do you have to pull all the way up to the front car?

Well, if you've got 10 car lengths...

Well, if you've got 10 car lengths...

When do you ever have 10 car lengths?

What about Sundays and holidays, huh?

Oh, please...

Hey, what's going on here?

Oh, uh, this guy tried to sneak into my space.

Oh. I really hate people who do that.

I hope you don't let him get away with it.

Well, thank you for your support.

Hey, that's a great hat.

Really? You like it? Yeah.

I got it at a flea market today.

Hey, George, nice hat.

Yeah, thanks.

Can I try it on?

No, it, uh, wouldn't fit you.

Oh, sure, it would.

Oh, sure, it would.

No. Get out of here, Newman.

Ah, let me try it. Stop it!

Well, let him try it on.

I don't want him to.

What is wrong with you?

You wanna see?!

There! There it is!

Run!

All right, here! You wanna try on the hat?!

Here, try on the hat! Stop it, George.

I was defending your parking. Come on, George!

All right, keep it, just keep the hat!

All right, that's it, the fight's already started.

I'm going upstairs. Who's coming? Elaine?

It depends on who's going. Are you going?

I'm not going if he's going. Me either.

And I'm not going if he's going.

Well, I'm going. If he's going, I'm not going.

But it's your house. I still don't have to go.

But it's your house. I still don't have to go.

I don't wanna go if Jerry's not going.

Why won't you go, if I go? Why? I'll tell you why.

No, don't, Jerry.

Like, you didn't call me a phony?!

What?

Thanks! Real good!

All right.

Jerry...

First of all,

I think you completely misunderstood what I said.

I meant it in a complimentary way.

I mean, you know when people say, "He's bad,"

it really means, "He's good"?

That sort of thing?

Uh, you know, it's slang.

Use it in a sentence.

Man, that Michael Jordan is so phony.

Why did you tell him?!

He begged me!

He begged you?!

All right, come on, who wants to watch the fight?

Okay, whose cars are these? Let's move them. Let's go.

Uh, o-o-officer,

could I just explain something to you?

Let's go, or I'll write both of you a ticket in two minutes.

But, officer, he-- He can't pull in headfirst.

Officer, he backed up from down the street.

He was double-parked. He was sitting there.

All right, you move your car.

It's his space. You can't go in headfirst.

Wait a second.

Why can't he go in headfirst?

He said the guy was just sitting over there.

What are you talking about?

This guy was there first.

But he didn't take it.

Hey, it's his space,

No, it's his space. What are you...?

MIKE: You're gonna have to leave eventually.

GEORGE: Well, you're gonna have to go to the bathroom!

MIKE: Well, you're gonna have to go to work!

GEORGE: I don't have a job! MIKE: Neither do I!

GEORGE: Yeah-- [YELLING QUIETS]

[CROWD CHEERING]

ANNOUNCER: Seven...

ANNOUNCER: Seven...

eight...

nine...

ten. [BELL DINGS]

People will kill each other for a parking space in New York,

because they think, "If I don't get this one,

I may never get a space," you know?

"I'll be circling for months

until somebody goes out to the Hamptons."

I think because everybody in New York City

knows there's gotta be way more cars

than parking spaces.

You see cars driving in New York all hours of the night.

You see cars driving in New York all hours of the night.

It's like musical chairs,

except everybody sat down around 1964.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

The problem is car manufacturers are building

hundreds of thousands of new cars every year.

They're not making any new spaces.

That's what they should be working on.

Wouldn't that be great?

You go to the auto show,

and they've got that big revolving turntable,

and there's nothing on it. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"New from Chrysler, a space."