Original subtitles

Women put on their perfume in an interesting way.

I love watching them do that. Do you ever notice that, guys?

They have those-- Their little key, Stratego little areas.

♪ And la-da-da dah ♪

♪ Da-dah ♪

Places they think we're going.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

And they always hit this one.

Women are convinced that this

is the most action-packed area

that could ever happen in the dating world.

that could ever happen in the dating world.

What--? What is that, ladies? What is happening here?

Is that in case you slap the guy or something?

He still finds you intriguing?

Dsh!

"Oh! Chanel!"

GEORGE: She's a pianist,

a classical pianist! She plays the piano!

She-- She-- She's a brilliant woman!

I-I-I sat in her living room, she played the Waldstein Sonata.

The Waldstein!

♪ Da da da da da da da da da ♪

♪ Di da da da di ♪

[LAUGHS]

We-- W-We did a crossword puzzle together in bed.

It was the most fun I ever had in my entire life!

Do you hear me? In my life!

You know?

Were you talking? I couldn't hear anything.

Were you talking? I couldn't hear anything.

I was telling you about Noel.

Oh, Noel, yeah.

The one that plays the bongos.

[SARCASTICALLY] Ha ha ha. So sidesplittingly funny.

All right, I'm sorry. What about her?

What, you think I'm gonna repeat the whole thing now?

I know, you told me you like her.

Everything's going good. No, everything's not going good.

I'm very uncomfortable. I have no power.

Why should she have the upper hand?

Once in my life, I'd like the upper hand.

I have no hand, no hand at all.

She has the hand. I have no hand.

She has the hand. I have no hand.

Hand me that, would you? Yeah.

How do I get the hand?

We all want the hand.

Hand is tough to get.

You gotta get the hand right from the opening.

She's playing a recital this week

at the McBierny School. You wanna hear her play?

I got two extra tickets. You and Elaine could go.

Yeah, that sounds like something.

Then afterwards, maybe we could all go out together.

You know, she'll see me with my friends.

She'll observe me as I really am, as myself.

Maybe I can get some hand that way.

Maybe I can get some hand that way.

Oh, hey. Hey.

Hey...

smell my arm.

What? No. No, smell it. Smell it.

With all due respect, I don't think so.

Jerry, smell.

That smells good. What is that?

The beach.

The beach? Yeah.

Did you go swimming? It's 29 degrees out.

Nah, I just joined the Polar Bear Club.

You joined the Polar Bears?

Yes. What the hell is a Polar Bear?

Well, it's these people, they go swimming in the winter.

They're-- They're terrific. I just took my first swim today.

Ooh-ooh uh a-a-a-ah!

Ooh-ooh uh a-a-a-ah!

It's invigorating. Yeah...

So is shock therapy. [LAUGHS]

What is that, a PEZ dispenser? Yeah.

Do you want one? Take it. Hey.

I just bought it at the flea market. You want?

Hey, what goes on there, exactly?

You don't know?

No, I-I-- I know. I know.

You think they have fleas there, don't you?

No.

Yes, you do, Biff.

You've never been to a flea market,

and you think they have fleas there.

and you think they have fleas there.

All right, I think they have fleas there. So what?

Hey, you want this? Oh, you don't want it?

No, I bought five of them.

Oh, great. Thanks.

I don't know how anyone does this.

This must be so nerve-racking.

How do they warm up their fingers?

They have a piano backstage they warm up on.

No. We would have heard it.

What do you think?

They just crack their knuckles and come out?

I told her we'd all go out afterwards, okay?

Mm-hmm. Sure.

Don't applaud when she stops playing the first time.

It's not over yet.

It's not over yet.

I really resent that.

That's directed at me, isn't it?

[CLAPPING]

Is this okay?

Can I do this?

[ELAINE SNORTS]

[GIGGLES]

[ELAINE STIFLING LAUGHS]

Ssssh.

[CHUCKLING] Joe Gibbs--

[LAUGHING]

Oh, God.

Something I said?

Something I said?

It's... John Mollica.

Oh. Oh, John.

Oh, hi, John.

Hi.

What are you doing out here?

Oh, I was just at this recital and...

Jerry put this PEZ dispenser on my leg,

and I just started laughing.

Oh, Jerry's in there? Yeah.

I heard you guys broke up.

We did. We did.

We-- We're just hanging out.

Really?

Boy...

you...

really look great.

really look great.

Oh. Thank you.

Hey, are you still friends with Richie, um, Appel?

Oh, Richie? He's been doing comedy

in L.A. for a couple of years.

He just got back a month ago.

He's kind of messed up on drugs.

Ooh.

I don't know what to do for the guy.

Have you thought about an intervention?

What's that?

What's that?

You know, you get all his friends in a room,

and they confront him to try to get him into rehab.

It's a very popular thing now.

Well, he'd never listen to anyone.

Oh.

Except, of course, Jerry.

He'd listen to Jerry.

Jerry would have to be involved.

He really respects Jerry.

[APPLAUSE]

I'm sorry, George. I'm sorry.

What did you put the PEZ dispenser

on her leg for in the first place?

I don't know. It was an impulse.

What kind of a sick impulse is that?

How could I know she'd start to laugh?

ELAINE [CHUCKLING]: I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I am.

Could we just go in already?

What are we gonna tell her?

I'll tell her I was the one who laughed.

No, don't say a word.

If she thinks my friends are jerks, then I'm a jerk.

Oh. Remind me to talk to you about something later.

Oh. Remind me to talk to you about something later.

What about? Hey, hey hey.

We're discussing something.

I know, but I'm distracted now.

Oh, what are you, a baby?

All right, tell him.

When I was outside, I ran into John Mollica.

Really? John Mollica? Yeah.

The guy that used to bartend at the comedy club.

How's he doing? He's good.

Uh, could we cut to the chase?

"Cut to the chase"?

Yeah. Well, what are you,

Joe Hollywood?

A lot of people say it.

I would lose that.

Ah... What's that?

Ah... What's that?

"Lose that"? That's not a Hollywood expression.

Yes, it is.

Anyway.

So John told me that Richie is in town from Los Angeles

and he's really messed up on drugs.

So I told him he should do an intervention.

Really? An intervention?

You know, you people, we got a situation over here!

Yeah... But he wants you to be a part of it.

Why me?

He says Richie really respects you,

and he would listen to you.

Boy, these things are really hard to load.

Boy, these things are really hard to load.

All right, okay, all right.

I'm going in.

All right, we got to talk about this.

All right.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Hi. Hi. Hi. Oh, no.

You were wonderful. Wonderful. Oh, no, no.

Oh, these are my friends, Elaine and Jerry. Noel.

You play a hell of a piano.

Yeah, I was really moved. Really moved.

Well, didn't you hear that person laughing?

Well, didn't you hear that person laughing?

I couldn't play. I was humiliated!

Well, I'm sure it wasn't at you.

Well, then what was she laughing at?

PEZ?

Uh, no, thank you.

Did you see her?

Yeah. Me?

No. I-I...

Anyone who would laugh at a recital

is probably some sort of lunatic, anyway.

I mean, only a sick, twisted mind...

could be that rude and ignorant.

Well, you know, maybe some...

mental defective

mental defective

put something stupid on her leg.

Even if this so-called mental defective...

did put something on her leg,

Uh-huh. she's still the one who laughed.

I'll never forget that laugh

for the rest of my life.

Well, I-I'm sure she would apologize if she could.

Probably someone is holding her back

maybe against every fiber of her being.

Well, if she wants to continue to have a fiber of her being,

Well, if she wants to continue to have a fiber of her being,

she'll be very careful.

Don't hit me. Stop it.

Come on. Stop it.

Um...

All right. So, uh...

you ready? We'll, uh...

We'll go out, and we'll have a bite to eat.

I... don't feel like it tonight.

Uh... We'll be outside.

Yeah.

It was nice meeting you.

Oh. Mm-hmm. By the way, how do you, uh,

warm up your fingers before you play?

I just crack my knuckles.

GEORGE: Come on, we'll have a good time.

Well, I'm really not in the mood.

Aw, come on.

I said, I don't feel like it.

I said, I don't feel like it.

Um, all right. Uh...

I-- I-I'll-- I'll call you.

Uh, I'll call you, and, uh...

we'll talk on the phone.

Have a...

telephone communiqué.

[LAUGHS] Um...

So, fine. Everything's fine. Everything good?

Good. I feel good. Fine.

That's fine. That's good.

Okay.

Okey-doke.

[DOOR SHUTS]

You know, I think Kramer might have been indirectly responsible

for getting Richie involved in drugs in the first place.

What? How?

A few years ago, the comedy club had a softball team.

Kramer was our first baseman. Uh-huh.

You couldn't get anything by him. He was unbelievable.

Yeah. Anyway, this one game,

we came back to win from, like, eight runs behind.

Mm-hmm. So Kramer says to Richie,

"Why don't you dump the bucket of Gatorade

on Marty Benson's head?"

The club owner. Yeah.

The club owner. Yeah.

So Richie goes ahead and does it.

So? What happened? What happened?

The guy was, like, 67 years old. It was freezing out.

He caught a cold, developed pneumonia,

a month later, he was dead.

Shut up.

All the comedians were happy

because he's one of these club owners

nobody liked, anyway.

But Richie was never the same.

What about Kramer?

He's the same.

JERRY: Are you sure you want me, John?

I mean, I haven't spoken to Richie in two years.

I mean, I haven't spoken to Richie in two years.

I don't have a good apartment for an intervention.

The furniture, it's very nonconfrontational.

All right, all right.

Goodbye.

Remember Richie Appel?

Oh, sure.

The guy I told to pour the Gatorade

that killed Marty Benson.

Right. Well, John Mollica is organizing

some kind of intervention for him. We're having it here.

Can I get in on that?

What do you think, it's like a poker game?

What do you think, it's like a poker game?

Is Elaine going? Yeah.

Well, I knew him as well as she did.

Yeah, but John invited her.

So wait. What're you saying? You don't want me to intervene?

No, intervene, go ahead. Intervene all you want.

I'm just afraid you might be interfering

while we're intervening.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Yeah? It's George.

Come on up.

Stop smelling your arm!

You know, I got a great idea for a cologne.

It's called "The Beach."

It's called "The Beach."

You spray it on,

and it's just like you came home from the beach.

Hmm. A cologne that smells like the beach.

I can't believe I'm saying this...

but that's not a bad idea.

Tell me about it.

Why don't you call Steve D'Giff?

He works in the marketing department

at Calvin Klein. Yeah.

In fact, he's a good friend

of John Mollica and Richie, also.

Okay.

Well, it's over. It's definitely over.

She broke up with you? No,

but she's going to.

but she's going to.

I can sense it. We had this

terrible phone conversation.

I was so nervous before I called,

I made up this whole list of things to talk about.

What was on the list?

Uh...

Let's see.

"I'm very good at going in reverse in my car."

"Why isn't Postum a more popular drink?"

Yeah, Postum is underrated.

Anyway, there was all this tension.

I asked her if she wanted to go out to dinner

I asked her if she wanted to go out to dinner

and she said, "No, maybe we could get together for lunch."

Ha, you know what that means.

What's wrong with lunch?

Lunch is fine at the beginning,

then you move on to dinner.

You don't go back to lunch.

It's like being demoted.

I'll never do another crossword puzzle

with her again, I know it.

I like the jumble. You ever do the jumble?

I have no power,

don't you understand?

I need hand! I have no hand!

Why don't you break up with her?

What? You break up with her.

You reverse everything that way.

Hmm, a preemptive breakup.

Hmm, a preemptive breakup.

A preemptive breakup. Mm?

This is an incredible idea. Yeah.

I got nothing to lose. Yeah.

We either break up, which she would do anyway,

but at least I go out with some dignity,

or I completely turn the tables!

Yeah.

This is absolutely brilliant!

GEORGE: So I'm afraid that I...

am gonna have to break up with you.

You're breaking up with me? Yes.

I...

am breaking up with you.

[GASPS]

Wow.

Shocked? I really am.

Never expected this, did you?

I thought everything was fine.

Well, live and learn.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, I don't understand. You didn't enjoy being with me?

Didn't we have fun doing the crossword puzzle?

Kind of.

[SIGHS] I'm very confused.

[SIGHS] I'm very confused.

Well, I didn't mean to hurt you, kid.

I thought-- N-Now, stop it, please. This--

What do you want? I know I can make you happy.

When-- When you're playing the piano...

do you think about me?

Nnnn... I don't know.

This is what I'm talking about.

Okay. I'll think about you.

All the time? All the time?

You know-- Okay.

All the time.

I can't hear you.

All the time!

All the time!

See?

It's not so hard.

KRAMER: Go ahead.

Smell. Smell it.

[SNIFFS]

Yeah? So? Okay, now you recognize it?

I don't know.

The beach.

What are you talking about? Oh,

I'm talking about the beach.

What about it?

You know the way you smell...

when you first come home from the beach?

Well, I want to make a cologne...

Well, I want to make a cologne...

that captures...

the essence...

of that smell.

Oh, yeah.

That is the dumbest idea I've ever heard.

Whoa.

Wait a minute.

You.

Did you hear what I just said?

You think people are gonna pay $80 a bottle

to smell like, uh...

dead fish and seaweed?

Mm-hmm.

That's why people take showers

when they come home from the beach.

It's an objectionable, offensive odor.

It's an objectionable, offensive odor.

So you don't think that it's a good idea, hm?

[MUMBLES]

The membranes get dry, and it just starts bleeding.

Since I was a kid, so I have to stick a tissue up there.

Uh-huh.

You have to... work like that?

Yeah. Nobody minds.

Nobody's ever said anything to me.

There any ice cubes?

Uh, whatever's in the freezer.

Uh, whatever's in the freezer.

I looked. I don't see any ice cubes.

Well, then I guess there's no ice cubes.

I can't drink this.

It's warm.

[SLAM]

Hey, John,

shouldn't we rehearse this a little

before Richie comes?

What's the plan?

Do I have to talk?

I don't feel like talking.

Well, if he's not gonna talk,

then I don't want to.

No, we all have to talk!

What's the order? We'll go in alphabetical order.

You're first, Roberta. Why am I first?

Albano's your last name. That's not my name anymore.

I'm divorced. I'll go first.

Oh. Hey.

Oh. Hey.

Hey. Is this the interference?

Intervention.

What are you doing here?

Oh, uh, is it all right

if I stay for the intervention? He can't stay.

This is for close friends only.

Hey, I'm a friend.

Who do you think told him

to pour the Gatorade over Marty Benson's head?

Oh, let him stay. Yeah.

Hey, you know, I got somebody to make up

that cologne for me, bigmouth.

Somebody's gonna make that crap?

Kramer!

Hey, hey, you guys!

All right! Hey, come on in.

Hey, these are some of my Polar Bear buddies.

They can't stay.

You're having a party here?

You're having a party here?

No, we're having an intervention.

An intervention?

Who's intervening?

He's a friend of ours on drugs,

and we're gonna confront him.

Oh, sure.

We used to do that when one of our Polar Bears stopped coming.

We'd go to his house,

"What, you don't wanna be a Polar Bear anymore?

It's too cold for you?"

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

It's him! What do we do?

Hide!

It's not a surprise party!

Yeah? It's George.

Come on up.

Come on up.

It's not him.

[MUTTERING]

You don't wanna go out with me

because I'm a bartender, right?

Look...

you know, I don't really think

that this is appropriate right now.

Is it because I have a tissue in my nose?

You're getting warm.

Hey, we just...

We just came from, uh, Chadway's. What's going on?

We're having the intervention. We're waiting for Richie.

Oh, right, right. The intervention.

Um...

Should we leave?

Well, uh, I-- Elaine, hi.

Hi, Noel.

Hi, Noel.

Well, you're looking well.

Jerry, let me tell you something.

A man without hand is not a man.

I've got so much hand, I'm coming out my gloves.

I got to thank Kramer.

Even if I were dragged through manure...

I still wouldn't put that stuff on.

This man is a genius! A genius!

You think so? No, I don't think so, I know so.

Come here. I gotta talk to you. What?

The male kangaroo doesn't have a pouch.

Only the female has it,

Only the female has it,

so the male has pouch envy!

[CHUCKLES]

"Why should she have this huge pouch,

"and I have nothing?

"I have things to carry too.

At least-- At least give me a pocket."

[CHUCKLES] [LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

[COUGHS]

[COUGHS]

That laugh.

That's the laugh.

That's it!

You're the one!

No, no. No, it was an accident.

It w-wasn't my fault!

It was Jerry!

Jerry put a PEZ dispenser on my leg!

You put a PEZ dispenser on her leg during my recital?

I didn't know she would laugh.

And, you.

You lied to me, George. You lied to me!

N-n-no, no. I-I-I d-d-didn't.

W-w-w-what--? What did I do?

What--? Where are you going?

I...

am breaking up...

with you. Whoa, whoa, wait.

You can't break up with me.

I-I've got hand!

And you're gonna need it.

Noel. Noel!

Hey, Richie! Hey, Richie.

So, what's going on?

JERRY: So we start the intervention,

and it's pretty ugly from the get-go.

He's not listening,

He's not listening,

he's hostile,

he's talking back.

I can't do these puzzles.

So he starts to get up.

Suddenly...

he spots the PEZ dispenser on the coffee table.

[CHUCKLES] The PEZ dispenser.

He picks it up,

he's staring at it.

It's like he's hypnotized by it.

Then he's telling us this story about how when he was a kid,

he was in the car with his father

and his father was trying to load one of them.

Well, they're hard to load.

Tell me something I don't know.

So as the father's trying to load it,

he loses control of the car,

crashes into a high school cafeteria.

Get out. Nobody's hurt,

but PEZ was all over the car.

And the dispenser was destroyed

virtually beyond recognition.

Poor kid. So as he's telling the story,

he starts crying.

Well, what did you do? What do you think?

I gave him my PEZ dispenser.

Wow.

Two hours later, he checks into Smither's clinic.

Talked to the doctor yesterday. He's doing great on the rehab,

Talked to the doctor yesterday. He's doing great on the rehab,

he's hooked on PEZ.

He's eating them like there's no tomorrow.

What's a three-letter word for candy?

I can't do those things.

Jawbreakers, to me, was like the ultimate challenge candy.

It was almost like candy manufacturers

were sitting in their laboratories, going,

"I wonder if they'll eat this.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"This seems pretty tough to eat.

"Let's market it as some sort of an experiment."

But the concept of Jawbreakers,

what was the concept?

Multicolored cement balls for a quarter?

Was that the idea behind it?

"Let's see if we can hurt them.

"Let's see if they'll pay...

to be hurt."

This is the idea behind Jawbreakers.

This is the idea behind Jawbreakers.

And I did it, I ate them, I loved them.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

Oh, this is very painful.

I'm really hurting.

And this is hurting me a lot.

I love them.