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1
00:00:01,666 --> 00:00:03,033
Every mall has a Hoffritz
in it.
2
00:00:03,066 --> 00:00:04,233
I'm sorry, this has gotta be
3
00:00:04,266 --> 00:00:06,033
a little bit of a scary place
to work.
4
00:00:06,066 --> 00:00:07,633
I don't know how
you feel about it.
5
00:00:07,666 --> 00:00:09,033
Do you want to be standing there
6
00:00:09,066 --> 00:00:10,466
having people coming in
all day going,
7
00:00:10,500 --> 00:00:12,500
"I need knives.
I need more knives.
8
00:00:12,533 --> 00:00:14,633
"Do you have any bigger knives?
9
00:00:14,666 --> 00:00:17,400
"I'd like a bigger knife.
A big, long, sharp knife.
10
00:00:17,433 --> 00:00:19,000
"That's what I'm
in the market for.
11
00:00:19,033 --> 00:00:20,066
"I like them really sharp.
12
00:00:20,100 --> 00:00:22,400
"Do you have one
with hooks and gouges
13
00:00:22,433 --> 00:00:24,466
"and, like, blades that--
Kind of serrated?
14
00:00:24,500 --> 00:00:28,066
"That's the kind of knife
I'm looking for.
15
00:00:28,100 --> 00:00:29,300
"I need one I can throw.
16
00:00:29,333 --> 00:00:30,000
"I need another one
I can just hack away with.
17
00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:31,300
"I need another one
I can just hack away with.
18
00:00:31,333 --> 00:00:32,600
Do you have anything like that?"
19
00:00:43,033 --> 00:00:44,833
Oh, yeah. Like you know
what you're talking about?
20
00:00:44,866 --> 00:00:46,000
Oh, no. You do.
21
00:00:46,033 --> 00:00:47,700
Well, what do you think,
22
00:00:47,733 --> 00:00:49,733
they put the statue
on a giant raft,
23
00:00:49,766 --> 00:00:52,333
and a tugboat pulled it
all the way from France?
24
00:00:53,533 --> 00:00:55,833
What do you think,
they brought it over in pieces
25
00:00:55,866 --> 00:00:57,833
and screwed it together
like a coffee table?
26
00:00:57,866 --> 00:00:58,833
[CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING]
27
00:00:58,866 --> 00:01:00,066
What's going on here?
28
00:01:00,100 --> 00:01:01,900
It's a little early
for a Christmas party.
29
00:01:01,933 --> 00:01:03,466
Why did France
give that to us?
30
00:01:03,500 --> 00:01:04,866
It was a gift.
31
00:01:04,900 --> 00:01:04,993
So countries just
exchange gifts like that?
32
00:01:04,993 --> 00:01:06,700
So countries just
exchange gifts like that?
33
00:01:06,733 --> 00:01:09,133
If they like each other.
34
00:01:09,166 --> 00:01:10,333
There's Elaine.
35
00:01:10,366 --> 00:01:11,966
JERRY: See that guy
she's talking with?
36
00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:12,966
That's her new boyfriend.
37
00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:14,133
Really?
38
00:01:14,166 --> 00:01:15,533
He works here
in the office?
39
00:01:15,566 --> 00:01:17,633
Yeah. They're having
a little fling,
40
00:01:17,666 --> 00:01:19,233
so don't say anything
to anyone.
41
00:01:21,066 --> 00:01:23,166
Who am I gonna tell,
my mother?
42
00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:24,733
Like I have nothing better
to talk about.
43
00:01:24,766 --> 00:01:27,033
You don't.
44
00:01:27,066 --> 00:01:29,133
He's a recovering alcoholic.
45
00:01:29,166 --> 00:01:30,466
Really?
46
00:01:30,500 --> 00:01:32,366
Yeah, he's been off the wagon
two years.
47
00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:33,733
"Off the wagon"?
48
00:01:33,766 --> 00:01:34,993
I think it's "off the wagon."
49
00:01:34,993 --> 00:01:35,533
I think it's "off the wagon."
50
00:01:35,566 --> 00:01:37,400
I think it's
"on the wagon."
51
00:01:37,433 --> 00:01:38,400
[SCOFFS]
52
00:01:38,433 --> 00:01:40,300
Jerry, George,
53
00:01:40,333 --> 00:01:41,733
what are you
doing here?
54
00:01:41,766 --> 00:01:43,300
What am I doing here?
55
00:01:43,333 --> 00:01:44,300
Ba-boom.
56
00:01:44,333 --> 00:01:45,300
[GASPS]
57
00:01:45,333 --> 00:01:46,366
My God!
58
00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:47,700
My watch.
59
00:01:47,733 --> 00:01:50,000
You found my watch.
60
00:01:50,033 --> 00:01:52,633
Hey, keep your hands to yourself
if you know what's good for you.
61
00:01:52,666 --> 00:01:53,633
Where'd you find it?
62
00:01:53,666 --> 00:01:54,733
Under the sofa cushion.
63
00:01:54,766 --> 00:01:56,733
And you stopped by
just to give it to me?
64
00:01:56,766 --> 00:01:58,400
It's your Christmas present.
65
00:02:00,666 --> 00:02:01,866
I thought
I'd never find it.
66
00:02:01,900 --> 00:02:03,200
Well, today's
your lucky day.
67
00:02:03,233 --> 00:02:04,993
No, today's
your lucky day.
68
00:02:04,993 --> 00:02:05,400
No, today's
your lucky day.
69
00:02:05,433 --> 00:02:06,966
It'd be my first one.
70
00:02:07,000 --> 00:02:08,533
Wanna work here?
71
00:02:08,566 --> 00:02:09,700
What?
72
00:02:09,733 --> 00:02:11,133
Yeah, one of the
readers just left.
73
00:02:11,166 --> 00:02:12,733
There's a job opening.
74
00:02:12,766 --> 00:02:14,900
Oh, Dick, this is Jerry,
and this is George.
75
00:02:14,933 --> 00:02:15,966
Hi. Nice to meet you.
76
00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:17,366
Is this the guy?
77
00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:20,166
"The guy"?
78
00:02:21,433 --> 00:02:22,633
Dick.
79
00:02:22,666 --> 00:02:23,900
How can you
just get it?
80
00:02:23,933 --> 00:02:26,333
My boss told me to find someone.
I'm in charge of it.
81
00:02:26,366 --> 00:02:28,333
All you have to do
is meet him. Come on.
82
00:02:28,366 --> 00:02:29,466
But--
Come on. Hold my drink.
83
00:02:29,500 --> 00:02:30,466
Cranberry juice?
84
00:02:30,500 --> 00:02:33,300
And vodka. Come on.
85
00:02:33,333 --> 00:02:34,993
I got the
cranberry juice.
86
00:02:34,993 --> 00:02:35,466
I got the
cranberry juice.
87
00:02:35,500 --> 00:02:37,333
[CHUCKLES]
88
00:02:37,366 --> 00:02:38,833
So, uh...
89
00:02:38,866 --> 00:02:40,000
You're Jerry.
90
00:02:40,033 --> 00:02:42,333
So...I'm Jerry.
91
00:02:44,066 --> 00:02:45,133
So have you
ever done
92
00:02:45,166 --> 00:02:46,300
this kind
of work before?
93
00:02:46,333 --> 00:02:48,966
Well, uh,
94
00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:50,733
you know, book reports.
95
00:02:50,766 --> 00:02:51,700
That kind of stuff.
96
00:02:56,366 --> 00:02:57,466
Who do you read?
97
00:02:57,500 --> 00:02:58,733
I like Mike Lupica.
98
00:02:58,766 --> 00:03:00,866
Mike Lupica?
99
00:03:00,900 --> 00:03:04,866
He's a sports writer
for the Daily News.
100
00:03:04,900 --> 00:03:04,993
I find him very insightful.
101
00:03:04,993 --> 00:03:05,966
I find him very insightful.
102
00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:07,733
No, no, no. I mean--
I mean authors.
103
00:03:07,766 --> 00:03:09,466
Oh...
104
00:03:09,500 --> 00:03:11,066
Oh...
105
00:03:11,100 --> 00:03:14,333
Well, a lot of good ones.
106
00:03:14,366 --> 00:03:17,233
Lot of good ones.
107
00:03:17,266 --> 00:03:18,733
I don't even want
to mention anybody
108
00:03:18,766 --> 00:03:21,033
because I'm afraid I'm gonna
leave somebody out.
109
00:03:21,066 --> 00:03:22,033
Name a couple.
110
00:03:22,066 --> 00:03:23,633
Who do I like?
111
00:03:23,666 --> 00:03:25,066
I like...
112
00:03:25,100 --> 00:03:28,900
uh, Art Vandalay.
113
00:03:28,933 --> 00:03:30,966
Art Vandalay?
114
00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:33,633
He's an obscure writer.
115
00:03:33,666 --> 00:03:34,993
Beatnik, you know,
from the Village.
116
00:03:34,993 --> 00:03:35,233
Beatnik, you know,
from the Village.
117
00:03:35,266 --> 00:03:36,400
Uh-huh.
118
00:03:36,433 --> 00:03:38,133
What's he written?
119
00:03:38,166 --> 00:03:40,200
Venetian Blinds.
120
00:03:40,233 --> 00:03:42,366
I got news for you.
121
00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:44,033
I'm funnier
than you are.
122
00:03:44,066 --> 00:03:46,066
Why don't we get together New
Year's, watch some football?
123
00:03:46,100 --> 00:03:48,066
Where's my drink?
124
00:03:48,100 --> 00:03:49,733
There.
So how'd it go?
125
00:03:49,766 --> 00:03:51,733
I think he's impressed.
126
00:03:53,833 --> 00:03:55,233
Mmm. No, no, no.
127
00:03:55,266 --> 00:03:56,400
This is just
cranberry juice.
128
00:03:57,866 --> 00:04:00,333
Oh, um...
129
00:04:00,366 --> 00:04:02,333
I think maybe Dick
picked up yours.
130
00:04:02,366 --> 00:04:04,800
Dick?
131
00:04:04,833 --> 00:04:04,993
He can't drink.
He's an alcoholic.
132
00:04:04,993 --> 00:04:07,366
He can't drink.
He's an alcoholic.
133
00:04:07,400 --> 00:04:09,033
I told you
to hold it.
134
00:04:09,066 --> 00:04:10,533
I didn't know you meant hold it.
135
00:04:10,566 --> 00:04:12,033
I thought you meant hold it.
136
00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:14,966
One drink like that,
137
00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:16,533
and he could fall
right off the wagon.
138
00:04:16,566 --> 00:04:17,533
Told you.
139
00:04:23,100 --> 00:04:25,700
I never feel comfortable
in the women's department.
140
00:04:25,733 --> 00:04:27,700
I feel like I'm just
a little too close
141
00:04:27,733 --> 00:04:30,700
to trying on a dress.
142
00:04:30,733 --> 00:04:32,333
Do I really have
to buy her something?
143
00:04:32,366 --> 00:04:33,700
Hey, the woman
got you a job.
144
00:04:33,733 --> 00:04:34,993
The least you could do
is buy her a gift.
145
00:04:34,993 --> 00:04:36,333
The least you could do
is buy her a gift.
146
00:04:36,366 --> 00:04:38,166
How about this?
147
00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:39,166
What is that,
cashmere?
148
00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:40,833
Yeah, she loves
cashmere.
149
00:04:40,866 --> 00:04:42,333
Who doesn't like cashmere?
150
00:04:42,366 --> 00:04:44,666
Find me one person in the world
that doesn't like cashmere.
151
00:04:44,700 --> 00:04:46,833
It's too expensive.
Wow. Look at this.
152
00:04:46,866 --> 00:04:49,333
It's $85,
marked down from 600.
153
00:04:49,366 --> 00:04:51,366
Wow.
154
00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:52,666
Uh, excuse me, miss.
155
00:04:52,700 --> 00:04:53,700
WOMAN: Yes.
156
00:04:53,733 --> 00:04:55,800
How come this sweater's
only $85?
157
00:04:55,833 --> 00:04:57,900
Oh, here.
This is why.
158
00:04:57,933 --> 00:04:59,500
What? I don't see anything.
159
00:04:59,533 --> 00:05:01,566
See this red dot?
160
00:05:01,600 --> 00:05:02,566
Oh, yeah.
161
00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:03,566
Oh, it's damaged.
162
00:05:03,600 --> 00:05:04,993
Well, it's not really damaged.
163
00:05:04,993 --> 00:05:05,666
Well, it's not really damaged.
164
00:05:05,700 --> 00:05:07,200
Wow. $85, huh?
165
00:05:07,233 --> 00:05:09,200
Mm-hmm. There's no
exchanges on this.
166
00:05:10,233 --> 00:05:11,966
You think she'd care
about the dot?
167
00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:13,233
It's hard to say.
168
00:05:13,266 --> 00:05:14,666
I don't even think
she'd notice it.
169
00:05:14,700 --> 00:05:16,500
Can you see it?
Well, I can see it.
170
00:05:16,533 --> 00:05:17,633
But you know
where it is.
171
00:05:17,666 --> 00:05:19,233
You want me
to not look at it?
172
00:05:19,266 --> 00:05:21,166
Pretend you didn't know
it was there.
173
00:05:21,200 --> 00:05:22,633
Can you see it?
174
00:05:22,666 --> 00:05:25,133
It's hard for me to pretend,
because I know where it is.
175
00:05:25,166 --> 00:05:27,133
Well, just take an overview!
Can't you take an overview?
176
00:05:27,166 --> 00:05:29,133
You want me to take an overview?
Please.
177
00:05:29,166 --> 00:05:30,900
I see a very cheap man
holding a sweater
178
00:05:30,933 --> 00:05:32,133
trying to get away
with something.
179
00:05:32,166 --> 00:05:33,566
That's my overview.
180
00:05:37,233 --> 00:05:38,200
JERRY: Yeah, so?
181
00:05:38,233 --> 00:05:41,666
He's acting
very strangely.
182
00:05:41,700 --> 00:05:43,866
I think he started
drinking again.
183
00:05:43,900 --> 00:05:45,366
Oh, boy. Can you smell it?
184
00:05:45,400 --> 00:05:46,366
No, I can't smell it.
185
00:05:46,400 --> 00:05:48,633
Then he hasn't been drinking.
186
00:05:48,666 --> 00:05:51,200
Oh, you don't always
smell from a drink.
187
00:05:51,233 --> 00:05:52,733
Yes, you do.
188
00:05:52,766 --> 00:05:53,800
What about one drink?
189
00:05:53,833 --> 00:05:55,066
Would you smell
from one drink?
190
00:05:55,100 --> 00:05:56,033
Yes, you would.
191
00:05:57,333 --> 00:05:59,633
Whoa.
192
00:05:59,666 --> 00:06:00,700
I'll prove it.
193
00:06:00,733 --> 00:06:01,700
How?
194
00:06:01,733 --> 00:06:02,900
Would you do me
a favor?
195
00:06:02,933 --> 00:06:03,966
Okay.
196
00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:04,993
Would you take a drink
and let us smell you?
197
00:06:04,993 --> 00:06:06,900
Would you take a drink
and let us smell you?
198
00:06:06,933 --> 00:06:10,233
You can smell me
without the drink.
199
00:06:10,266 --> 00:06:11,533
No, no.
200
00:06:13,266 --> 00:06:15,000
I suspect that
this guy I'm seeing
201
00:06:15,033 --> 00:06:17,000
might be drinking,
but I can't smell it.
202
00:06:17,033 --> 00:06:18,000
Come on.
203
00:06:18,033 --> 00:06:19,200
Okay, well,
what am I drinking?
204
00:06:19,233 --> 00:06:20,233
What do you got?
205
00:06:20,266 --> 00:06:22,033
A bottle of Scotch
my uncle gave me,
206
00:06:22,066 --> 00:06:23,133
Hennigan's.
207
00:06:23,166 --> 00:06:24,300
It's been there
two years.
208
00:06:24,333 --> 00:06:26,100
I've been using it
as a paint thinner.
209
00:06:31,866 --> 00:06:33,033
All right.
210
00:06:38,833 --> 00:06:39,800
I don't smell
anything.
211
00:06:39,833 --> 00:06:40,933
We're too close
to the bottle.
212
00:06:42,233 --> 00:06:43,200
[INTERCOM BUZZES]
213
00:06:44,700 --> 00:06:45,666
Yeah?
It's George.
214
00:06:45,700 --> 00:06:46,666
Come on up.
215
00:06:46,700 --> 00:06:49,333
That is damn good Scotch.
216
00:06:51,266 --> 00:06:53,033
I could do a commercial
for this stuff.
217
00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:56,700
Mm.
218
00:06:56,733 --> 00:07:00,533
Boy, that Hennigan
goes down smooth...
219
00:07:00,566 --> 00:07:04,633
and afterwards,
you don't even smell.
220
00:07:04,666 --> 00:07:04,993
That's right, folks.
221
00:07:04,993 --> 00:07:05,733
That's right, folks.
222
00:07:05,766 --> 00:07:07,166
I just had three shots
of Hennigan's,
223
00:07:07,200 --> 00:07:08,100
and I don't smell.
224
00:07:09,566 --> 00:07:12,000
Imagine, you can walk around
drunk all day.
225
00:07:12,033 --> 00:07:13,033
That's Hennigan's,
226
00:07:13,066 --> 00:07:15,533
the no-smell, no-tell Scotch.
227
00:07:16,666 --> 00:07:17,633
Hello, everybody.
228
00:07:17,666 --> 00:07:19,900
Hey, George, come here.
229
00:07:19,933 --> 00:07:21,833
I'm gonna tell you
what I think.
230
00:07:21,866 --> 00:07:24,333
Oh, I know you don't care
what I think,
231
00:07:24,366 --> 00:07:25,333
but I'm gonna
tell you.
232
00:07:25,366 --> 00:07:29,166
I think that
you are terrific.
233
00:07:29,200 --> 00:07:31,133
That's all.
234
00:07:31,166 --> 00:07:32,200
Mmh!
235
00:07:32,233 --> 00:07:34,366
Thank you.
236
00:07:37,566 --> 00:07:39,233
Hey, what's that?
237
00:07:39,266 --> 00:07:40,833
It's an early
Christmas present.
238
00:07:40,866 --> 00:07:42,166
A Christmas present?
239
00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:43,200
That's right.
For who?
240
00:07:43,233 --> 00:07:44,366
For you.
241
00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:45,366
[GASPS]
242
00:07:45,400 --> 00:07:47,500
Get out of here!
243
00:07:47,533 --> 00:07:49,000
Say you got a big job interview
244
00:07:49,033 --> 00:07:50,500
and you're a little nervous?
245
00:07:50,533 --> 00:07:51,500
Well, throw back
246
00:07:51,533 --> 00:07:52,700
a couple of shots of Hennigan's,
247
00:07:52,733 --> 00:07:54,333
and you'll be
as loose as a goose
248
00:07:54,366 --> 00:07:56,333
and ready to roll in no time.
249
00:07:56,366 --> 00:07:57,533
And because it's odorless,
250
00:07:57,566 --> 00:07:58,866
why, it'll be
our little secret.
251
00:08:00,366 --> 00:08:01,800
♪ H-E-double-N-I-- ♪
252
00:08:01,833 --> 00:08:03,133
Kramer.
253
00:08:03,166 --> 00:08:04,200
JERRY: Kramer.
254
00:08:04,233 --> 00:08:04,993
Yeah. That'll do.
255
00:08:04,993 --> 00:08:06,100
Yeah. That'll do.
256
00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:09,133
[GASPS]
257
00:08:09,166 --> 00:08:12,400
Oh, George,
this is beautiful.
258
00:08:12,433 --> 00:08:13,566
Is this cashmere?
259
00:08:13,600 --> 00:08:14,900
Of course it's cashmere.
260
00:08:14,933 --> 00:08:17,633
Oh, I love cashmere.
261
00:08:17,666 --> 00:08:18,833
Who doesn't?
262
00:08:18,866 --> 00:08:22,466
Oh, God. George,
this must've cost a fortune.
263
00:08:22,500 --> 00:08:24,966
Ah, money.
264
00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:27,466
God, Jerry, how could you
let him spend so much money?
265
00:08:27,500 --> 00:08:29,133
I tried to stop him.
266
00:08:29,166 --> 00:08:31,566
I couldn't.
267
00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:34,733
He just wants
to make people happy.
268
00:08:34,766 --> 00:08:34,993
God, George, this is one
of the nicest things
269
00:08:34,993 --> 00:08:37,500
God, George, this is one
of the nicest things
270
00:08:37,533 --> 00:08:39,133
anyone has ever
given me.
271
00:08:39,166 --> 00:08:40,133
Ah, good. Good.
272
00:08:40,166 --> 00:08:41,366
Listen, take it off, you know.
273
00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:42,566
You're gonna wear it out
already.
274
00:08:42,600 --> 00:08:44,466
It's for special occasions,
this thing.
275
00:08:44,500 --> 00:08:46,733
Wow.
276
00:08:46,766 --> 00:08:48,500
What's that red dot
on your sweater?
277
00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:54,566
What?
278
00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:55,800
Yeah, listen,
take it off.
279
00:08:55,833 --> 00:08:57,200
I'm getting hot
just looking at it.
280
00:08:57,233 --> 00:08:59,233
Oh, what is this?
281
00:08:59,266 --> 00:09:00,866
It's like a red dot.
282
00:09:00,900 --> 00:09:01,866
What? What red dot?
283
00:09:01,900 --> 00:09:02,866
What are you
talking about?
284
00:09:02,900 --> 00:09:04,633
GEORGE: Jerry,
come here for a second.
285
00:09:04,666 --> 00:09:04,993
Do you see
anything here?
286
00:09:04,993 --> 00:09:06,366
Do you see
anything here?
287
00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:09,233
Hmm? Uh, I don't know.
288
00:09:09,266 --> 00:09:11,166
Uh, I don't know.
289
00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:13,533
What don't you know?
290
00:09:13,566 --> 00:09:15,133
I don't know.
291
00:09:15,166 --> 00:09:18,133
Well, do you see it
or don't you?
292
00:09:18,166 --> 00:09:19,133
[CLEARS THROAT]
293
00:09:19,166 --> 00:09:22,233
Uh, say that again.
294
00:09:22,266 --> 00:09:25,233
Do you see it
or don't you?
295
00:09:25,266 --> 00:09:29,233
Do I see it or don't I?
296
00:09:29,266 --> 00:09:30,366
That's the question.
297
00:09:40,566 --> 00:09:41,766
[GASPS]
298
00:09:42,933 --> 00:09:44,166
[GASPS]
299
00:09:45,500 --> 00:09:47,466
Now, what did you
ask me again?
300
00:09:47,500 --> 00:09:48,700
[KRAMER SNORING]
301
00:10:02,166 --> 00:10:04,366
You're still here.
You're a dynamo.
302
00:10:04,400 --> 00:10:06,700
I can't believe I get paid
for this.
303
00:10:06,733 --> 00:10:08,966
God.
304
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:11,333
Eh, I'll see you tomorrow.
305
00:10:18,266 --> 00:10:19,233
How you doing?
306
00:10:19,266 --> 00:10:20,366
Hello.
307
00:10:32,155 --> 00:10:34,788
You had sex with
the cleaning woman
308
00:10:34,822 --> 00:10:37,388
on your desk?
309
00:10:37,422 --> 00:10:39,355
Who are you?
How did you do that?
310
00:10:40,722 --> 00:10:41,888
Hennigan's.
311
00:10:41,922 --> 00:10:43,955
Hennigan's?
312
00:10:43,988 --> 00:10:45,855
I was sitting there
in the office,
313
00:10:45,888 --> 00:10:48,622
and the cleaning woman comes in.
314
00:10:48,655 --> 00:10:49,988
I've always been attracted
to cleaning women.
315
00:10:51,888 --> 00:10:54,219
Cleaning women, chambermaids.
316
00:10:54,219 --> 00:10:55,455
Cleaning women, chambermaids.
317
00:10:55,488 --> 00:10:56,888
Yeah, chambermaids.
318
00:10:56,922 --> 00:10:59,188
I'm attracted to them too.
319
00:10:59,222 --> 00:11:00,188
Why is that?
320
00:11:00,222 --> 00:11:01,522
It's a woman in your room.
321
00:11:03,822 --> 00:11:06,122
So go ahead.
322
00:11:06,155 --> 00:11:10,222
So, uh...
She starts vacuuming,
323
00:11:10,255 --> 00:11:13,988
back and forth,
back and forth,
324
00:11:14,022 --> 00:11:16,488
her hips swiveling,
325
00:11:16,522 --> 00:11:18,688
her breasts, uh...
326
00:11:18,722 --> 00:11:21,022
Convulsing?
327
00:11:21,055 --> 00:11:22,388
Convulsing?
328
00:11:22,422 --> 00:11:24,219
I don't know.
I'm trying to help you.
329
00:11:24,219 --> 00:11:24,688
I don't know.
I'm trying to help you.
330
00:11:24,722 --> 00:11:26,888
So then I asked her
if she wanted a drink.
331
00:11:26,922 --> 00:11:28,188
You don't drink.
332
00:11:28,222 --> 00:11:30,788
I know, but I couldn't think
of anything else to say.
333
00:11:30,822 --> 00:11:31,788
So you started
drinking.
334
00:11:31,822 --> 00:11:34,155
So we started drinking,
and, uh...
335
00:11:34,188 --> 00:11:35,522
I'll tell you,
336
00:11:35,555 --> 00:11:37,688
I don't know if it was
the alcohol or the ammonia,
337
00:11:37,722 --> 00:11:40,255
but the next thing I knew, she
was mopping the floor with me.
338
00:11:42,855 --> 00:11:43,888
And how was it?
339
00:11:43,922 --> 00:11:45,555
Well, the sex was okay,
340
00:11:45,588 --> 00:11:47,988
but I threw up
from the Hennigan's.
341
00:11:49,822 --> 00:11:51,422
Good thing the cleaning lady
was there.
342
00:11:57,488 --> 00:11:59,022
ELAINE: Dick was fired.
343
00:11:59,055 --> 00:12:01,222
You mean to tell me
I put that drink
344
00:12:01,255 --> 00:12:03,022
6 inches over
to the right,
345
00:12:03,055 --> 00:12:04,322
and none of this
would've happened?
346
00:12:04,355 --> 00:12:06,188
You knew he was an alcoholic.
347
00:12:06,222 --> 00:12:07,788
Why'd you put
the drink down at all?
348
00:12:07,822 --> 00:12:09,888
What are you saying?
Not saying anything.
349
00:12:09,922 --> 00:12:11,555
You're saying something.
What could I be saying?
350
00:12:11,588 --> 00:12:13,388
You're not saying nothing.
You must be saying something.
351
00:12:13,422 --> 00:12:15,388
If I was saying something,
I would have said it.
352
00:12:15,422 --> 00:12:16,388
Why don't you say it?
353
00:12:16,422 --> 00:12:17,555
I said it.
What'd you say?
354
00:12:17,588 --> 00:12:18,988
Nothing.
355
00:12:20,888 --> 00:12:23,188
It's exhausting being with you.
356
00:12:23,222 --> 00:12:24,219
[INTERCOM BUZZES]
357
00:12:24,219 --> 00:12:25,388
[INTERCOM BUZZES]
358
00:12:25,422 --> 00:12:26,388
Yeah?
It's George.
359
00:12:26,422 --> 00:12:27,388
Come on up.
360
00:12:27,422 --> 00:12:30,988
Hey, let me
ask you something.
361
00:12:31,022 --> 00:12:32,555
Did George
buy that sweater
362
00:12:32,588 --> 00:12:34,522
knowing the red dot
was on it,
363
00:12:34,555 --> 00:12:36,388
because
it was cheaper?
364
00:12:36,422 --> 00:12:37,788
Okay.
365
00:12:37,822 --> 00:12:38,988
You just gave me the answer.
366
00:12:39,022 --> 00:12:40,622
No, I didn't!
367
00:12:40,655 --> 00:12:44,388
Yes, you did. Yes, you did.
I saw your expression.
368
00:12:44,422 --> 00:12:45,722
I didn't have an expression.
369
00:12:45,755 --> 00:12:46,855
Uh-huh.
370
00:12:46,888 --> 00:12:49,955
I have a deviated septum.
I have to--
371
00:12:49,988 --> 00:12:52,222
I have to open my mouth
sometimes to breathe.
372
00:12:52,255 --> 00:12:53,522
Uh-huh.
373
00:12:53,555 --> 00:12:54,219
How much did he save?
374
00:12:54,219 --> 00:12:56,022
How much did he save?
375
00:12:56,055 --> 00:12:57,955
Frankly,
I am shocked
376
00:12:57,988 --> 00:13:00,388
that you could ask
such a question of me,
377
00:13:00,422 --> 00:13:01,488
that you would think--
378
00:13:01,522 --> 00:13:02,488
If I was--
379
00:13:02,522 --> 00:13:03,488
The only surprise
was how
380
00:13:03,522 --> 00:13:05,455
you could even
think of that.
381
00:13:05,488 --> 00:13:06,555
That's what
you were seeing.
382
00:13:09,855 --> 00:13:12,722
I have
to talk to you.
383
00:13:12,755 --> 00:13:14,855
This cleaning woman's
turning the screws on me.
384
00:13:14,888 --> 00:13:16,988
She-- She's pushing for
this whole relationship thing.
385
00:13:17,022 --> 00:13:18,622
She keeps calling me.
386
00:13:18,655 --> 00:13:20,822
She's threatening to go to the
boss and tell him everything.
387
00:13:20,855 --> 00:13:22,622
I could lose my job.
I gotta do something.
388
00:13:22,655 --> 00:13:24,219
[WHISPERS]
Elaine's in the bathroom.
389
00:13:24,219 --> 00:13:24,222
[WHISPERS]
Elaine's in the bathroom.
390
00:13:24,255 --> 00:13:25,822
She's wise to the whole
red dot thing.
391
00:13:25,855 --> 00:13:27,855
She's asking me all kinds
of questions about it.
392
00:13:30,822 --> 00:13:31,988
Did you tell her
anything?
393
00:13:32,022 --> 00:13:33,222
No.
You swear?
394
00:13:33,255 --> 00:13:34,888
I'm not swearing.
I don't wanna swear.
395
00:13:34,922 --> 00:13:35,888
Come on, swear!
No.
396
00:13:35,922 --> 00:13:37,488
Oh, you told her,
didn't you?
397
00:13:37,522 --> 00:13:38,622
No, I--
[DOOR OPENS]
398
00:13:38,655 --> 00:13:40,488
Hey, George,
399
00:13:40,522 --> 00:13:41,855
did you buy
that sweater
400
00:13:41,888 --> 00:13:43,522
knowing the red dot
was on it
401
00:13:43,555 --> 00:13:46,155
because you could get it
at a discount?
402
00:13:46,188 --> 00:13:47,955
What?
403
00:13:47,988 --> 00:13:49,388
D-did I what?
404
00:13:49,422 --> 00:13:50,522
You did,
didn't you?
405
00:13:50,555 --> 00:13:53,455
Elaine, I'm--
I'm shocked.
406
00:13:53,488 --> 00:13:54,219
I'm shocked.
407
00:13:54,219 --> 00:13:54,655
I'm shocked.
408
00:13:54,688 --> 00:13:55,655
Here I go out
409
00:13:55,688 --> 00:13:57,155
in the spirit
of the season
410
00:13:57,188 --> 00:13:59,455
and spend
all my savings
411
00:13:59,488 --> 00:14:00,555
to buy you
412
00:14:00,588 --> 00:14:01,955
the most beautiful
Christmas sweater
413
00:14:01,988 --> 00:14:02,955
I have ever seen
414
00:14:02,988 --> 00:14:04,788
to show
my appreciation to you
415
00:14:04,822 --> 00:14:06,022
at Christmas,
416
00:14:06,055 --> 00:14:08,655
and this is the thanks
I get at Christmas.
417
00:14:08,688 --> 00:14:10,688
[SCOFFS]
418
00:14:10,722 --> 00:14:12,822
Well, Jerry told me
that you did.
419
00:14:12,855 --> 00:14:14,122
How could you tell her?
420
00:14:14,155 --> 00:14:16,288
You squealed on me.
What kind of friend are you?
421
00:14:16,322 --> 00:14:17,855
I didn't tell her,
you stupid idiot.
422
00:14:17,888 --> 00:14:20,222
She tricked you!
423
00:14:23,422 --> 00:14:24,219
Elaine, you don't
understand.
424
00:14:24,219 --> 00:14:26,022
Elaine, you don't
understand.
425
00:14:27,388 --> 00:14:31,355
I had a 103 temperature
when I bought that sweater.
426
00:14:31,388 --> 00:14:33,622
I was so dizzy, I was
seeing red dots everywhere.
427
00:14:33,655 --> 00:14:36,555
I thought everything in
the store had a red dot on it.
428
00:14:36,588 --> 00:14:38,755
I couldn't distinguish
one red dot from the other.
429
00:14:40,655 --> 00:14:42,722
I couldn't afford
anything.
430
00:14:42,755 --> 00:14:43,955
I have nothing.
431
00:14:43,988 --> 00:14:46,322
I haven't worked
for a really long time.
432
00:14:46,355 --> 00:14:49,055
I-- I mean, look,
I-- I have no clothes.
433
00:14:49,088 --> 00:14:50,455
Look at what
I'm wearing.
434
00:14:50,488 --> 00:14:51,455
[CRYING]
435
00:14:51,488 --> 00:14:53,222
It was just
a little red dot,
436
00:14:53,255 --> 00:14:54,219
a little red dot.
437
00:14:54,219 --> 00:14:55,088
a little red dot.
438
00:14:59,422 --> 00:15:00,955
This is for you.
439
00:15:00,988 --> 00:15:04,355
Oh, Georgie,
you bought this for me?
440
00:15:04,388 --> 00:15:06,622
Oh, I knew you cared for me.
441
00:15:06,655 --> 00:15:08,788
As you care for me,
442
00:15:08,822 --> 00:15:10,155
which is why it's very important
443
00:15:10,188 --> 00:15:13,455
that you never breathe
a word to anyone about, uh...
444
00:15:13,488 --> 00:15:14,622
you know?
445
00:15:14,655 --> 00:15:17,022
What with Clarence Thomas
and everything.
446
00:15:17,055 --> 00:15:18,988
Okay, okay.
447
00:15:19,022 --> 00:15:20,788
Can I open it now?
Of course. Go ahead.
448
00:15:20,822 --> 00:15:22,655
My guess is you're gonna
like this very much.
449
00:15:22,688 --> 00:15:24,219
[GASPS]
450
00:15:24,219 --> 00:15:24,222
[GASPS]
451
00:15:27,055 --> 00:15:28,688
Is that cashmere?
452
00:15:28,722 --> 00:15:30,155
Of course it's cashmere.
453
00:15:30,188 --> 00:15:31,188
Oh!
454
00:15:31,222 --> 00:15:33,388
Oh, a cashmere sweater.
455
00:15:33,422 --> 00:15:35,355
Oh, Georgie Porgie.
456
00:15:35,388 --> 00:15:36,355
Just a
little something
457
00:15:36,388 --> 00:15:37,355
for Christmas.
458
00:15:37,388 --> 00:15:39,388
[SIGHS]
459
00:15:39,422 --> 00:15:41,622
When I was a little girl
in Panama,
460
00:15:41,655 --> 00:15:45,455
a rich American
came to our town,
461
00:15:45,488 --> 00:15:48,855
and he was wearing the softest,
most beautiful sweater.
462
00:15:48,888 --> 00:15:50,322
I said,
463
00:15:50,355 --> 00:15:52,855
"What do you call
this beautiful fabric?"
464
00:15:52,888 --> 00:15:54,219
and he said,
"They call it cashmere."
465
00:15:54,219 --> 00:15:57,822
and he said,
"They call it cashmere."
466
00:15:59,922 --> 00:16:05,288
I repeated the word.
"Cashmere, cashmere,"
467
00:16:05,322 --> 00:16:07,122
and I asked him if I could
have it,
468
00:16:07,155 --> 00:16:09,055
and he said,
469
00:16:09,088 --> 00:16:11,988
"No. Get away from me,"
470
00:16:12,022 --> 00:16:15,488
[SOBBING]
and he started to walk away.
471
00:16:15,522 --> 00:16:17,488
Oh, but I grabbed onto his leg,
472
00:16:17,522 --> 00:16:19,955
screaming for him
to give me the sweater,
473
00:16:19,988 --> 00:16:22,022
and he dragged me
through the streets.
474
00:16:22,055 --> 00:16:24,219
Oh, and then he kicked me
with the other foot,
475
00:16:24,219 --> 00:16:24,388
Oh, and then he kicked me
with the other foot,
476
00:16:24,422 --> 00:16:26,722
and he threw some change at me.
477
00:16:26,755 --> 00:16:27,788
Ah,
478
00:16:27,822 --> 00:16:30,455
but I didn't want
the change, Georgie.
479
00:16:30,488 --> 00:16:31,388
[GASPING]
480
00:16:31,422 --> 00:16:34,855
I wanted the cashmere.
481
00:16:36,655 --> 00:16:39,555
I had a feeling
you would like it.
482
00:16:41,355 --> 00:16:42,522
I'm going
to try it on.
483
00:16:42,555 --> 00:16:44,122
No, no, no.
Don't try it on now.
484
00:16:44,155 --> 00:16:45,122
Try it on later.
485
00:16:45,155 --> 00:16:47,522
Oh, no, look.
It fits beautiful.
486
00:16:47,555 --> 00:16:50,555
All right. Take it off.
You're gonna ruin it.
487
00:16:50,588 --> 00:16:54,122
What's this?
488
00:16:54,155 --> 00:16:54,219
I was in a men's room
the other day.
489
00:16:54,219 --> 00:16:55,955
I was in a men's room
the other day.
490
00:16:55,988 --> 00:16:58,288
They had the hand blower
instead of the paper towels.
491
00:16:58,322 --> 00:16:59,288
You know this thing?
492
00:16:59,322 --> 00:17:02,455
I like the hand blower,
I have to say.
493
00:17:02,488 --> 00:17:04,055
Takes a little bit longer,
494
00:17:04,088 --> 00:17:07,622
but I feel when you're in a room
with a revolting stench,
495
00:17:07,655 --> 00:17:09,688
you wanna spend as much time
as you can.
496
00:17:11,155 --> 00:17:13,788
MAN: The only stench
is coming from you.
497
00:17:13,822 --> 00:17:15,722
Oh, well, wait a second.
498
00:17:15,755 --> 00:17:18,388
I believe we have a heckler,
ladies and gentlemen.
499
00:17:18,422 --> 00:17:19,522
Hey, Dick, look.
500
00:17:19,555 --> 00:17:20,888
I don't know
what your problem is.
501
00:17:20,922 --> 00:17:22,788
It's not my fault
you're back on the wagon.
502
00:17:22,822 --> 00:17:24,219
It's "off the wagon."
503
00:17:24,219 --> 00:17:24,722
It's "off the wagon."
504
00:17:24,755 --> 00:17:26,555
Well, in the old days,
how do you think
505
00:17:26,588 --> 00:17:28,088
they got the alcohol
from town to town?
506
00:17:31,188 --> 00:17:32,155
I don't know.
507
00:17:32,188 --> 00:17:33,555
On a wagon.
508
00:17:33,588 --> 00:17:35,788
Don't you think they broke into
a couple of those bottles
509
00:17:35,822 --> 00:17:37,388
along the way?
510
00:17:37,422 --> 00:17:40,388
You can't drink on a wagon.
It's-- It'd be too bumpy.
511
00:17:40,422 --> 00:17:42,055
They had smooth trails.
512
00:17:42,088 --> 00:17:43,222
What about the Cumberland Gap?
513
00:17:43,255 --> 00:17:45,388
What the hell do you know
about wagons?
514
00:17:45,422 --> 00:17:48,855
Well, I know enough
not to get on them.
515
00:17:50,755 --> 00:17:52,722
I'm gonna get
right to the point.
516
00:17:52,755 --> 00:17:54,219
Uh...it's come
to my attention
517
00:17:54,219 --> 00:17:55,188
Uh...it's come
to my attention
518
00:17:55,222 --> 00:17:57,055
that you and the
cleaning woman
519
00:17:57,088 --> 00:17:59,188
have engaged
in sexual intercourse
520
00:17:59,222 --> 00:18:00,822
on the desk
in your office.
521
00:18:00,855 --> 00:18:03,355
Is that correct?
522
00:18:07,555 --> 00:18:08,688
Who said that?
523
00:18:08,722 --> 00:18:09,855
She did.
524
00:18:11,722 --> 00:18:13,155
Was that wrong?
525
00:18:13,188 --> 00:18:16,122
Should I not have
done that?
526
00:18:16,155 --> 00:18:18,288
I tell you, I gotta plead
ignorance on this thing
527
00:18:18,322 --> 00:18:20,522
because if anyone had said
anything to me at all
528
00:18:20,555 --> 00:18:23,122
when I first started here
that that sort of thing
529
00:18:23,155 --> 00:18:24,219
was frowned upon...
530
00:18:24,219 --> 00:18:25,655
was frowned upon...
531
00:18:25,688 --> 00:18:28,022
You know, because I've worked
in a lot of offices,
532
00:18:28,055 --> 00:18:29,322
and I tell you,
533
00:18:29,355 --> 00:18:32,222
people do that all the time.
534
00:18:32,255 --> 00:18:33,555
You're fired.
535
00:18:35,688 --> 00:18:37,688
Well, you didn't have to say it
like that.
536
00:18:37,722 --> 00:18:40,155
I want you out of here
by the end of the day.
537
00:18:51,855 --> 00:18:53,488
What about the whole
Christmas spirit thing?
538
00:18:53,522 --> 00:18:54,219
Any flexibility there?
539
00:18:54,219 --> 00:18:54,522
Any flexibility there?
540
00:18:54,555 --> 00:18:55,555
Nah.
541
00:18:58,055 --> 00:19:00,022
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
542
00:19:01,522 --> 00:19:02,855
She wanted me to give you this.
543
00:19:15,022 --> 00:19:18,622
You had sex on your desk
with the cleaning woman.
544
00:19:18,655 --> 00:19:21,222
You never had sex
in the office before?
545
00:19:21,255 --> 00:19:23,455
No. I once made out
with someone,
546
00:19:23,488 --> 00:19:24,219
but that's it.
547
00:19:24,219 --> 00:19:24,455
but that's it.
548
00:19:24,488 --> 00:19:26,722
Okay. All right.
So you made out.
549
00:19:26,755 --> 00:19:27,955
Well, that's not sex.
550
00:19:27,988 --> 00:19:29,222
Kissing is sex.
551
00:19:29,255 --> 00:19:31,555
Kissing is not sex.
552
00:19:31,588 --> 00:19:33,122
JERRY: George?
553
00:19:33,155 --> 00:19:34,622
Jerry.
Hey...
554
00:19:34,655 --> 00:19:38,388
Did Jerry leave that drink
next to Dick's on purpose?
555
00:19:38,422 --> 00:19:39,555
No.
556
00:19:39,588 --> 00:19:40,555
JERRY: George?
557
00:19:40,588 --> 00:19:42,055
Over here.
558
00:19:44,222 --> 00:19:45,288
What are you doing here?
559
00:19:45,322 --> 00:19:46,655
I'm taking the kid
out to dinner,
560
00:19:46,688 --> 00:19:47,788
to cheer him up.
561
00:19:47,822 --> 00:19:48,888
Hey, Jerry,
562
00:19:48,922 --> 00:19:51,055
when do you consider
sex has taken place?
563
00:19:51,088 --> 00:19:54,219
I would say, uh...
564
00:19:54,219 --> 00:19:54,622
I would say, uh...
565
00:19:54,655 --> 00:19:56,388
when the nipple makes
its first appearance.
566
00:20:02,722 --> 00:20:03,722
So, uh,
567
00:20:03,755 --> 00:20:06,388
George told me
that you left the drink
568
00:20:06,422 --> 00:20:08,222
next to Dick's on purpose.
569
00:20:08,255 --> 00:20:10,755
Nice try.
570
00:20:13,888 --> 00:20:15,955
So guess who
heckled me
571
00:20:15,988 --> 00:20:17,322
at the club
last night?
572
00:20:17,355 --> 00:20:18,988
[GLASS SHATTERS]
573
00:20:19,022 --> 00:20:19,988
[GASPS]
574
00:20:20,022 --> 00:20:22,522
DICK: Merry Christmas!
575
00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:24,219
Oh, my God, that's Dick.
Dick?
576
00:20:24,219 --> 00:20:24,888
Oh, my God, that's Dick.
Dick?
577
00:20:24,922 --> 00:20:26,155
Dick?
578
00:20:26,922 --> 00:20:27,888
[BANGING, CLATTERING]
579
00:20:27,922 --> 00:20:30,155
It's Cape Fear.
580
00:20:31,088 --> 00:20:32,522
Hide. Hide under the desk.
581
00:20:34,588 --> 00:20:35,555
Ow.
Ow!
582
00:20:35,588 --> 00:20:36,555
Move over.
583
00:20:36,588 --> 00:20:37,555
Get off of me!
584
00:20:37,588 --> 00:20:38,555
I have no room.
585
00:20:38,588 --> 00:20:39,555
I was here.
586
00:20:39,588 --> 00:20:40,555
GEORGE: My foot's sticking out.
587
00:20:40,588 --> 00:20:41,555
ELAINE: Shut up. He's coming.
588
00:20:41,588 --> 00:20:42,555
Shh, shh, shh.
589
00:20:42,588 --> 00:20:43,755
[ORNAMENTS TINKLING]
590
00:20:59,355 --> 00:21:00,988
Is that cashmere?
591
00:21:01,022 --> 00:21:03,655
GEORGE: Of course it's cashmere.
592
00:21:07,422 --> 00:21:09,155
What's this?
593
00:21:13,388 --> 00:21:14,822
But in a way,
594
00:21:14,855 --> 00:21:15,988
I think I inadvertently
595
00:21:16,022 --> 00:21:17,455
turned this guy
into an alcoholic,
596
00:21:17,488 --> 00:21:18,888
and I hate being around
alcoholics
597
00:21:18,922 --> 00:21:20,222
because they're either
telling you
598
00:21:20,255 --> 00:21:23,788
how much they love you
or how much they hate you...
599
00:21:23,822 --> 00:21:24,219
and those are the two statements
that scare me the most.
600
00:21:24,219 --> 00:21:25,955
and those are the two statements
that scare me the most.
601
00:21:25,988 --> 00:21:27,155
But I think he's okay now
602
00:21:27,188 --> 00:21:29,222
because I don't know
how he feels about me.
603
00:21:29,255 --> 00:21:30,355
He's finally off the wagon.
604
00:21:30,388 --> 00:21:32,222
You mean "on the wagon."
605
00:21:32,255 --> 00:21:33,422
Don't get smart.
606
00:21:45,922 --> 00:21:47,888
[♪]
40387
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