Original subtitles

Every mall has a Hoffritz in it.

I'm sorry, this has gotta be

a little bit of a scary place to work.

I don't know how you feel about it.

Do you want to be standing there

having people coming in all day going,

"I need knives. I need more knives.

"Do you have any bigger knives?

"I'd like a bigger knife. A big, long, sharp knife.

"That's what I'm in the market for.

"I like them really sharp.

"Do you have one with hooks and gouges

"and, like, blades that-- Kind of serrated?

"That's the kind of knife I'm looking for.

"I need one I can throw.

"I need another one I can just hack away with.

"I need another one I can just hack away with.

Do you have anything like that?"

Oh, yeah. Like you know what you're talking about?

Oh, no. You do.

Well, what do you think,

they put the statue on a giant raft,

and a tugboat pulled it all the way from France?

What do you think, they brought it over in pieces

and screwed it together like a coffee table?

[CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING]

What's going on here?

It's a little early for a Christmas party.

Why did France give that to us?

It was a gift.

So countries just exchange gifts like that?

So countries just exchange gifts like that?

If they like each other.

There's Elaine.

JERRY: See that guy she's talking with?

That's her new boyfriend.

Really?

He works here in the office?

Yeah. They're having a little fling,

so don't say anything to anyone.

Who am I gonna tell, my mother?

Like I have nothing better to talk about.

You don't.

He's a recovering alcoholic.

Really?

Yeah, he's been off the wagon two years.

"Off the wagon"?

I think it's "off the wagon."

I think it's "off the wagon."

I think it's "on the wagon."

[SCOFFS]

Jerry, George,

what are you doing here?

What am I doing here?

Ba-boom.

[GASPS]

My God!

My watch.

You found my watch.

Hey, keep your hands to yourself if you know what's good for you.

Where'd you find it?

Under the sofa cushion.

And you stopped by just to give it to me?

It's your Christmas present.

I thought I'd never find it.

Well, today's your lucky day.

No, today's your lucky day.

No, today's your lucky day.

It'd be my first one.

Wanna work here?

What?

Yeah, one of the readers just left.

There's a job opening.

Oh, Dick, this is Jerry, and this is George.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Is this the guy?

"The guy"?

Dick.

How can you just get it?

My boss told me to find someone. I'm in charge of it.

All you have to do is meet him. Come on.

But-- Come on. Hold my drink.

Cranberry juice?

And vodka. Come on.

I got the cranberry juice.

I got the cranberry juice.

[CHUCKLES]

So, uh...

You're Jerry.

So...I'm Jerry.

So have you ever done

this kind of work before?

Well, uh,

you know, book reports.

That kind of stuff.

Who do you read?

I like Mike Lupica.

Mike Lupica?

He's a sports writer for the Daily News.

I find him very insightful.

I find him very insightful.

No, no, no. I mean-- I mean authors.

Oh...

Oh...

Well, a lot of good ones.

Lot of good ones.

I don't even want to mention anybody

because I'm afraid I'm gonna leave somebody out.

Name a couple.

Who do I like?

I like...

uh, Art Vandalay.

Art Vandalay?

He's an obscure writer.

Beatnik, you know, from the Village.

Beatnik, you know, from the Village.

Uh-huh.

What's he written?

Venetian Blinds.

I got news for you.

I'm funnier than you are.

Why don't we get together New Year's, watch some football?

Where's my drink?

There. So how'd it go?

I think he's impressed.

Mmm. No, no, no.

This is just cranberry juice.

Oh, um...

I think maybe Dick picked up yours.

Dick?

He can't drink. He's an alcoholic.

He can't drink. He's an alcoholic.

I told you to hold it.

I didn't know you meant hold it.

I thought you meant hold it.

One drink like that,

and he could fall right off the wagon.

Told you.

I never feel comfortable in the women's department.

I feel like I'm just a little too close

to trying on a dress.

Do I really have to buy her something?

Hey, the woman got you a job.

The least you could do is buy her a gift.

The least you could do is buy her a gift.

How about this?

What is that, cashmere?

Yeah, she loves cashmere.

Who doesn't like cashmere?

Find me one person in the world that doesn't like cashmere.

It's too expensive. Wow. Look at this.

It's $85, marked down from 600.

Wow.

Uh, excuse me, miss.

WOMAN: Yes.

How come this sweater's only $85?

Oh, here. This is why.

What? I don't see anything.

See this red dot?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, it's damaged.

Well, it's not really damaged.

Well, it's not really damaged.

Wow. $85, huh?

Mm-hmm. There's no exchanges on this.

You think she'd care about the dot?

It's hard to say.

I don't even think she'd notice it.

Can you see it? Well, I can see it.

But you know where it is.

You want me to not look at it?

Pretend you didn't know it was there.

Can you see it?

It's hard for me to pretend, because I know where it is.

Well, just take an overview! Can't you take an overview?

You want me to take an overview? Please.

I see a very cheap man holding a sweater

trying to get away with something.

That's my overview.

JERRY: Yeah, so?

He's acting very strangely.

I think he started drinking again.

Oh, boy. Can you smell it?

No, I can't smell it.

Then he hasn't been drinking.

Oh, you don't always smell from a drink.

Yes, you do.

What about one drink?

Would you smell from one drink?

Yes, you would.

Whoa.

I'll prove it.

How?

Would you do me a favor?

Okay.

Would you take a drink and let us smell you?

Would you take a drink and let us smell you?

You can smell me without the drink.

No, no.

I suspect that this guy I'm seeing

might be drinking, but I can't smell it.

Come on.

Okay, well, what am I drinking?

What do you got?

A bottle of Scotch my uncle gave me,

Hennigan's.

It's been there two years.

I've been using it as a paint thinner.

All right.

I don't smell anything.

We're too close to the bottle.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Yeah? It's George.

Come on up.

That is damn good Scotch.

I could do a commercial for this stuff.

Mm.

Boy, that Hennigan goes down smooth...

and afterwards, you don't even smell.

That's right, folks.

That's right, folks.

I just had three shots of Hennigan's,

and I don't smell.

Imagine, you can walk around drunk all day.

That's Hennigan's,

the no-smell, no-tell Scotch.

Hello, everybody.

Hey, George, come here.

I'm gonna tell you what I think.

Oh, I know you don't care what I think,

but I'm gonna tell you.

I think that you are terrific.

That's all.

Mmh!

Thank you.

Hey, what's that?

It's an early Christmas present.

A Christmas present?

That's right. For who?

For you.

[GASPS]

Get out of here!

Say you got a big job interview

and you're a little nervous?

Well, throw back

a couple of shots of Hennigan's,

and you'll be as loose as a goose

and ready to roll in no time.

And because it's odorless,

why, it'll be our little secret.

♪ H-E-double-N-I-- ♪

Kramer.

JERRY: Kramer.

Yeah. That'll do.

Yeah. That'll do.

[GASPS]

Oh, George, this is beautiful.

Is this cashmere?

Of course it's cashmere.

Oh, I love cashmere.

Who doesn't?

Oh, God. George, this must've cost a fortune.

Ah, money.

God, Jerry, how could you let him spend so much money?

I tried to stop him.

I couldn't.

He just wants to make people happy.

God, George, this is one of the nicest things

God, George, this is one of the nicest things

anyone has ever given me.

Ah, good. Good.

Listen, take it off, you know.

You're gonna wear it out already.

It's for special occasions, this thing.

Wow.

What's that red dot on your sweater?

What?

Yeah, listen, take it off.

I'm getting hot just looking at it.

Oh, what is this?

It's like a red dot.

What? What red dot?

What are you talking about?

GEORGE: Jerry, come here for a second.

Do you see anything here?

Do you see anything here?

Hmm? Uh, I don't know.

Uh, I don't know.

What don't you know?

I don't know.

Well, do you see it or don't you?

[CLEARS THROAT]

Uh, say that again.

Do you see it or don't you?

Do I see it or don't I?

That's the question.

[GASPS]

[GASPS]

Now, what did you ask me again?

[KRAMER SNORING]

You're still here. You're a dynamo.

I can't believe I get paid for this.

God.

Eh, I'll see you tomorrow.

How you doing?

Hello.

You had sex with the cleaning woman

on your desk?

Who are you? How did you do that?

Hennigan's.

Hennigan's?

I was sitting there in the office,

and the cleaning woman comes in.

I've always been attracted to cleaning women.

Cleaning women, chambermaids.

Cleaning women, chambermaids.

Yeah, chambermaids.

I'm attracted to them too.

Why is that?

It's a woman in your room.

So go ahead.

So, uh... She starts vacuuming,

back and forth, back and forth,

her hips swiveling,

her breasts, uh...

Convulsing?

Convulsing?

I don't know. I'm trying to help you.

I don't know. I'm trying to help you.

So then I asked her if she wanted a drink.

You don't drink.

I know, but I couldn't think of anything else to say.

So you started drinking.

So we started drinking, and, uh...

I'll tell you,

I don't know if it was the alcohol or the ammonia,

but the next thing I knew, she was mopping the floor with me.

And how was it?

Well, the sex was okay,

but I threw up from the Hennigan's.

Good thing the cleaning lady was there.

ELAINE: Dick was fired.

You mean to tell me I put that drink

6 inches over to the right,

and none of this would've happened?

You knew he was an alcoholic.

Why'd you put the drink down at all?

What are you saying? Not saying anything.

You're saying something. What could I be saying?

You're not saying nothing. You must be saying something.

If I was saying something, I would have said it.

Why don't you say it?

I said it. What'd you say?

Nothing.

It's exhausting being with you.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Yeah? It's George.

Come on up.

Hey, let me ask you something.

Did George buy that sweater

knowing the red dot was on it,

because it was cheaper?

Okay.

You just gave me the answer.

No, I didn't!

Yes, you did. Yes, you did. I saw your expression.

I didn't have an expression.

Uh-huh.

I have a deviated septum. I have to--

I have to open my mouth sometimes to breathe.

Uh-huh.

How much did he save?

How much did he save?

Frankly, I am shocked

that you could ask such a question of me,

that you would think--

If I was--

The only surprise was how

you could even think of that.

That's what you were seeing.

I have to talk to you.

This cleaning woman's turning the screws on me.

She-- She's pushing for this whole relationship thing.

She keeps calling me.

She's threatening to go to the boss and tell him everything.

I could lose my job. I gotta do something.

[WHISPERS] Elaine's in the bathroom.

[WHISPERS] Elaine's in the bathroom.

She's wise to the whole red dot thing.

She's asking me all kinds of questions about it.

Did you tell her anything?

No. You swear?

I'm not swearing. I don't wanna swear.

Come on, swear! No.

Oh, you told her, didn't you?

No, I-- [DOOR OPENS]

Hey, George,

did you buy that sweater

knowing the red dot was on it

because you could get it at a discount?

What?

D-did I what?

You did, didn't you?

Elaine, I'm-- I'm shocked.

I'm shocked.

I'm shocked.

Here I go out

in the spirit of the season

and spend all my savings

to buy you

the most beautiful Christmas sweater

I have ever seen

to show my appreciation to you

at Christmas,

and this is the thanks I get at Christmas.

[SCOFFS]

Well, Jerry told me that you did.

How could you tell her?

You squealed on me. What kind of friend are you?

I didn't tell her, you stupid idiot.

She tricked you!

Elaine, you don't understand.

Elaine, you don't understand.

I had a 103 temperature when I bought that sweater.

I was so dizzy, I was seeing red dots everywhere.

I thought everything in the store had a red dot on it.

I couldn't distinguish one red dot from the other.

I couldn't afford anything.

I have nothing.

I haven't worked for a really long time.

I-- I mean, look, I-- I have no clothes.

Look at what I'm wearing.

[CRYING]

It was just a little red dot,

a little red dot.

a little red dot.

This is for you.

Oh, Georgie, you bought this for me?

Oh, I knew you cared for me.

As you care for me,

which is why it's very important

that you never breathe a word to anyone about, uh...

you know?

What with Clarence Thomas and everything.

Okay, okay.

Can I open it now? Of course. Go ahead.

My guess is you're gonna like this very much.

[GASPS]

[GASPS]

Is that cashmere?

Of course it's cashmere.

Oh!

Oh, a cashmere sweater.

Oh, Georgie Porgie.

Just a little something

for Christmas.

[SIGHS]

When I was a little girl in Panama,

a rich American came to our town,

and he was wearing the softest, most beautiful sweater.

I said,

"What do you call this beautiful fabric?"

and he said, "They call it cashmere."

and he said, "They call it cashmere."

I repeated the word. "Cashmere, cashmere,"

and I asked him if I could have it,

and he said,

"No. Get away from me,"

[SOBBING] and he started to walk away.

Oh, but I grabbed onto his leg,

screaming for him to give me the sweater,

and he dragged me through the streets.

Oh, and then he kicked me with the other foot,

Oh, and then he kicked me with the other foot,

and he threw some change at me.

Ah,

but I didn't want the change, Georgie.

[GASPING]

I wanted the cashmere.

I had a feeling you would like it.

I'm going to try it on.

No, no, no. Don't try it on now.

Try it on later.

Oh, no, look. It fits beautiful.

All right. Take it off. You're gonna ruin it.

What's this?

I was in a men's room the other day.

I was in a men's room the other day.

They had the hand blower instead of the paper towels.

You know this thing?

I like the hand blower, I have to say.

Takes a little bit longer,

but I feel when you're in a room with a revolting stench,

you wanna spend as much time as you can.

MAN: The only stench is coming from you.

Oh, well, wait a second.

I believe we have a heckler, ladies and gentlemen.

Hey, Dick, look.

I don't know what your problem is.

It's not my fault you're back on the wagon.

It's "off the wagon."

It's "off the wagon."

Well, in the old days, how do you think

they got the alcohol from town to town?

I don't know.

On a wagon.

Don't you think they broke into a couple of those bottles

along the way?

You can't drink on a wagon. It's-- It'd be too bumpy.

They had smooth trails.

What about the Cumberland Gap?

What the hell do you know about wagons?

Well, I know enough not to get on them.

I'm gonna get right to the point.

Uh...it's come to my attention

Uh...it's come to my attention

that you and the cleaning woman

have engaged in sexual intercourse

on the desk in your office.

Is that correct?

Who said that?

She did.

Was that wrong?

Should I not have done that?

I tell you, I gotta plead ignorance on this thing

because if anyone had said anything to me at all

when I first started here that that sort of thing

was frowned upon...

was frowned upon...

You know, because I've worked in a lot of offices,

and I tell you,

people do that all the time.

You're fired.

Well, you didn't have to say it like that.

I want you out of here by the end of the day.

What about the whole Christmas spirit thing?

Any flexibility there?

Any flexibility there?

Nah.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

She wanted me to give you this.

You had sex on your desk with the cleaning woman.

You never had sex in the office before?

No. I once made out with someone,

but that's it.

but that's it.

Okay. All right. So you made out.

Well, that's not sex.

Kissing is sex.

Kissing is not sex.

JERRY: George?

Jerry. Hey...

Did Jerry leave that drink next to Dick's on purpose?

No.

JERRY: George?

Over here.

What are you doing here?

I'm taking the kid out to dinner,

to cheer him up.

Hey, Jerry,

when do you consider sex has taken place?

I would say, uh...

I would say, uh...

when the nipple makes its first appearance.

So, uh,

George told me that you left the drink

next to Dick's on purpose.

Nice try.

So guess who heckled me

at the club last night?

[GLASS SHATTERS]

[GASPS]

DICK: Merry Christmas!

Oh, my God, that's Dick. Dick?

Oh, my God, that's Dick. Dick?

Dick?

[BANGING, CLATTERING]

It's Cape Fear.

Hide. Hide under the desk.

Ow. Ow!

Move over.

Get off of me!

I have no room.

I was here.

GEORGE: My foot's sticking out.

ELAINE: Shut up. He's coming.

Shh, shh, shh.

[ORNAMENTS TINKLING]

Is that cashmere?

GEORGE: Of course it's cashmere.

What's this?

But in a way,

I think I inadvertently

turned this guy into an alcoholic,

and I hate being around alcoholics

because they're either telling you

how much they love you or how much they hate you...

and those are the two statements that scare me the most.

and those are the two statements that scare me the most.

But I think he's okay now

because I don't know how he feels about me.

He's finally off the wagon.

You mean "on the wagon."

Don't get smart.

[♪]