Original subtitles

I have never seen an old person in a new bathing suit.

In my life.

I don't know where they get their bathing suits,

but my father has bathing suits from other centuries,

and my parents live in Florida,

and if you go down there,

and you forget your bathing suit,

then they want you to wear one of theirs.

You know how that gets?

You need trunks, son? I've got trunks for you.

You can wear my trunks.

Fathers don't wear bathing suits,

they wear trunks.

It's kind of the same thing

It's kind of the same thing

a tree would wear if it went swimming.

So I get in the water in this thing,

and it's, like, floating around me somewhere.

Have you ever put on a bathing suit

that you don't even know

exactly where you are inside the bathing suit?

You bump into somebody you know, "No, I'm parasailing.

I'm waiting for the boat to come back."

They were supposed to be here at 7:30.

Call the airlines again.

What happened to the scotch tape?

Who takes the scotch tape?

Nobody returns anything around here.

Oh, I think that's them.

Know what I'll do next time?

I'll hide it so nobody can find it.

[KNOCK]

Hi!

Welcome.

How are you?

Welcome to Florida!

Hi, Mr. Seinfeld.

Hey, there's the old man. How you doing?

Hey, there's the old man. How you doing?

So, what took you so long?

We waited 35 minutes in the rent-a-car place.

I don't know why you had to rent a car.

We would have picked you up.

What's the difference?

Well, you could have used our car.

I don't want to use your car.

What's wrong with our car?

Nothing, it's a fine car, what if you want to use it?

We don't use it.

What are you talking about? We use it.

If you were using it, we wouldn't use it.

So what would you do? You would hitch?

How much is a rent-a-car?

I don't know, 25 bucks a day.

What? Oh, you're crazy.

Plus the insurance.

Oh, I didn't get the insurance.

Oh, I didn't get the insurance.

How could you not get the insurance?

We'll pay for the car.

You're not paying for it.

Morty.

God, it's so hot in here.

Why don't you put on the air conditioning?

You don't need the air conditioner.

So, do you have your speech all ready?

It's not a speech, do I have to make a speech?

Of course, they're giving a testimonial for your father.

You could do your comic routines.

That'll go over real well with that crowd.

Ooh, you have a lake.

The lake isn't real.

The lake is real.

The lake is real.

Are you kidding? They built the lake.

But it's real. It's water.

Where are you going with those?

I'm gonna put Elaine's stuff in here.

Oh, don't sleep in there. You can sleep in the bedroom.

Oh, I can't take your bedroom.

I'm up at 6:00 in the morning.

I can't kick you out of your bed.

We don't even sleep.

Ma.

But that's a sofa bed. You'll be uncomfortable.

What about you?

Why should I be comfortable?

What about him?

Don't worry. He's comfortable.

I'll sleep standing up. I'll be fine.

I'll sleep standing up. I'll be fine.

Will you stop?

Yeah, I'll just stay in here.

[WHISPERING] Jerry.

Jerry, you don't have to stay on the couch on my account.

The two of you could be together.

Nah, that's not such a good idea.

But I thought that you-- Not now.

She's right inside.

What happened?

I don't know.

We decided we don't really work as a couple.

What does that mean?

Well...

What are you whispering?

Shh! Nothing, nothing.

Shh! Nothing, nothing.

Elaine.

What about her?

You know, look at, uh, the sun-dried tomatoes.

Where were they five years ago?

It just goes to show you, you never know what--

what, uh, you know, could happen...

to a vegetable.

It could just take right off at any time.

We've tried all kinds of arrangements,

but we can't seem to be friends when we sleep together.

Why do you need more friends?

Why do you need more friends?

You've got plenty of friends.

He's an idealist.

What are you looking for?

I'm looking, that's the point. I like looking.

He likes looking.

So look.

But how long can you look?

I'm going for the record.

You know, your father wouldn't say so,

but he's really glad you came.

Oh, come on.

This is a big thing for him.

Outgoing president of the condo association.

[KNOCKING]

Ah-hah!

So they arrived safely.

You remember Jack and Doris?

You remember Jack and Doris?

Nice to see you. This is Elaine.

Hi. Nice to meet you. Hello.

Pleased to meet you.

Likewise.

Hey, Jerry...

You came all the way down here for this?

And scuba diving.

Scuba diving? Who's going scuba diving?

We're going scuba diving. We'll be back in time.

What do you have to go scuba diving for.

For fun.

For fun?

Jack, have some sponge cake.

No, thanks. No.

Jack is emceeing? tomorrow.

He's in charge of the whole thing.

So, Jerry, your mother tells me

So, Jerry, your mother tells me

you're going to do one of your little

comedy skits tomorrow.

I don't think so.

No?

Listen, Morty, do you want

to settle up from last night?

All right, I owe you $19.45.

What did you have? You had the minute steak.

Yeah.

Did you have a Coke or what?

I did not have a Coke.

Somebody had a Coke.

I had a Coke.

And I had the scampi.

So, that's, uh, 17.10, and the tax and the tip.

All right, make it 20 bucks.

All right, make it 20 bucks.

It's 19.45, Morty.

19.45.

See, you know your father.

You gotta get it right to the penny,

but that's why he was such a good president.

What kind of pen is that?

This pen?

Yeah.

Oh, this is an astronaut pen.

It writes upside down. They use this in space.

Oh, that's the astronaut pen.

I heard about that. Where did you get it?

It was a gift.

A lot of times I write in bed,

A lot of times I write in bed,

and I have to turn and lean on my elbow

to make the pen work.

Take the pen.

Oh, no.

Go ahead. I couldn't.

Come on, take the pen!

I can't take it.

Do me a favor! I'm not comfortable.

Take the pen! I cannot take it.

Take the pen?

Are you sure? I'm Positive. Take the pen.

Okay, thank you very much.

Thank you. Gee, boy.

Jack, what are you doing?

Stop it.

Jack, we should go.

It was nice meeting you.

Mm, nice to meet you.

Thanks again. Come on!

She's adorable.

What did you take his pen for?

What? He gave it to me.

You didn't have to take it.

Oh, my God, she's gotta make a big deal out of everything.

He offered it to me.

Because you made such a big fuss about it.

Well, I liked it. Should I have said I didn't?

You shouldn't have said anything.

What do you expect him to do?

He could have said, "Thank you, I like it too,"

He could have said, "Thank you, I like it too,"

and put it in his pocket.

He loves that pen.

Aw, come on.

He talks about it all the time.

Every time he takes it out,

he goes on and on about

how it writes upside down, how the astronauts use it.

If he likes it so much, then he never should have offered it.

He didn't think you'd accept. Well, he was wrong.

I know his wife. She has some mouth on her.

She'll tell everyone in the condo now

that you made him give you the pen.

They're talking about it right now.

So you want me to return it?

Yes.

DAD: He's not going to return that pen.

DAD: He's not going to return that pen.

That's ridiculous.

I don't want the pen now!

Jack can afford to give away a pen

with all his money, believe me.

He gives me a check for 19.45.

He didn't have a Coke. Ho-ho-ho!

Here, let me see it.

Hey, it writes upside down.

[KNOCKING]

[KNOCKING]

Come in.

You okay in here?

Why is it so hot in here?

How can they sleep like this?

It's only for three days.

Today's over, then we have tomorrow.

We leave on Sunday. It's one day, really.

Oh. What is with this bar?

It's right in my back. It's killing me.

Oh, do you want to switch?

I'm sleeping in the love seat

I'm sleeping in the love seat

I've got my feet up in the air like I'm in a space capsule.

I am never going to fall asleep.

Oh, no don't say that. You'll jinx me.

How can they not put the air conditioning on?

They're nuts with temperature.

Oh, this bar is right on my back.

It's making a dent.

How about that guy writing a check for 19.45?

How about that guy writing a check for 19.45?

I'm sweating here.

I'm in bed, sweating.

It's one day.

Half a day, really.

I mean, you subtract showers and meals,

it's like 20 minutes.

It'll go by like that.

Stay on 95 South to Biscayne Boulevard.

Then you make a left turn.

Put your blinker on immediately. There's an abutment there.

Put your blinker on immediately. There's an abutment there.

Then you're going to merge over very quickly,

but stay on Biscayne.

Don't get off Biscayne. Do you understand me?

Stay on Biscayne.

You're going underwater?

Yes, generally, that's where scuba diving is done.

What do you have to go underwater for?

What's down there that's so special?

What's so special up here?

Oh.

Oh.

What's the matter?

Oh, my back.

Well, what happened?

That-- that bed.

The bar was right in my back.

The bar was right in my back.

I told you to let us sleep in there.

Then you would be hunched over.

Oh, I don't even know if I can go scuba diving.

You can't go?

So stay home.

You can go.

Without you?

That's the whole reason you came down here.

Don't go.

You sure? Maybe you should see a doctor.

We'll stay in a hotel tonight.

MOM: No, we'll stay in there.

Why don't you get a new sofa?

Nobody uses it.

I'm buying you a new sofa.

Oh, Jerry, don't talk crazy.

Oh, Jerry, don't talk crazy.

Mrs. Seinfeld, please,

I am begging you...

put the air conditioner on.

You're hot?

I've lost six pounds.

I don't even know to to work it.

I keep telling her it's like an oven in here.

Is everybody up?

Hi. How are you?

Hello, Jerry.

Evelyn, this is Elaine.

Evelyn, this is Elaine.

Hi, Evelyn.

Jerry, you got thin.

Too thin?

Oh, stop worrying so much about how you look.

So where's the new pen?

What?

The pen, the one Jack Clompers gave you.

How did you know that?

Blanche told me.

Blanche told me.

Blanche?

That's some good pen.

Writes upside down.

The astronauts use them.

What did Blanche say?

I don't know,

she said Jerry wanted the pen.

I never really wanted the pen.

He gave him the pen.

Morty.

Why? You don't like the pen?

No, no, I...

If you don't like it, give it back to him.

Is that what she said?

Who?

Blanche.

What are you talking about?

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Oh, hello, Gussy.

What?

Jerry wouldn't do that.

Jack gave it to him.

All he said

was he liked it.

I mean, nobody put a gun to his head.

You're giving him back that pen.

Somebody, please, the air conditioner.

Oh, my God, I forget all about it.

All I said was, "I like the pen."

How the hell do you work this thing?

How the hell do you work this thing?

Maybe you shouldn't go tonight.

Oh, no, no, I want to go.

But your back hurts.

Maybe a couple of muscle relaxers

would help.

Oh. Oh, okay.

You can turn down the air conditioning

if you want.

No, I'm fine.

You're not too cold?

No.

Don't be alarmed.

Oh, my God!

What the hell happened to you?

I'm okay. My capillaries burst.

Your capillaries?

Your capillaries?

Do you know what you look like?

How are you doing?

Having a good time.

Is it my imagination or is it freezing in here?

What happened to your eyes?

Well, I started to go under--

With the instructor?

Yeah, and I got about 10 feet down

and I felt this tremendous pressure on my mask,

like my eyeballs were being sucked out of their sockets.

I told you.

Excuse me.

Doris would like to borrow your red pocketbook

to go with her shoes.

The shoes have to match the pocketbook.

The shoes have to match the pocketbook.

What's she doing, yoga?

My back hurts.

Morty, better hurry up. Get ready.

We've got plenty of time.

What happened to you?

I got in a fist fight

with one of the ladies at the pool.

It's from scuba diving.

What's there to see underwater?

Uh, listen, Mr. Clompers,

it was really a nice gesture of you to give me the pen,

but I don't really need it.

You what?

No, I mean, it's a terrific pen,

but I think you should keep it.

Well, I mean--

Well, I mean--

Take it.

All right.

You know, Jack,

you've got nerve, taking that kid's pen.

Whose pen?

His pen.

This happens to be my pen.

Oh, you didn't give it to him?

What are you talking about? He practically begged me for it.

Where do you come up with this crap?

Listen, do you think

I take everything everybody offers me?

You offered me sponge cake yesterday.

Did I take it?

You said you didn't want it.

Of course, I wanted it.

I love sponge cake!

DAD: Then who the hell said you couldn't have it?

DAD: Then who the hell said you couldn't have it?

What do I care whether you have a piece of sponge cake.

I saw your face last week when I took the scotch tape!

Oh-ho! So you got the scotch tape!

I've been looking all over for it.

Don't worry about it, I'll give it back.

I don't want it! I don't want it!

You know, Jack, do me a favor, will you?

Take the pen and the scotch tape and get the hell out of here!

Listen, do you think I give a damn?

Aah!

The nerve of that guy, taking back that pen.

Well, that's it for them.

Well, that's it for them.

What is going on in this community?

Are you people aware of what's happening?

What is driving you to this behavior?

Is it the humidity, is it the Muzak,

is it the white shoes?

I have no use for either one of them.

I don't want even want them there tonight.

Isn't he supposed to be the emcee?

Yeah, he's supposed to be the emcee.

Well, this should be a very interesting evening.

Uh, what about those muscle relaxers?

Say "astronaut."

Say what?

Say what?

You took too many of those pills.

"Astronaut"?

Say it!

ALL: Astronaut!

Astro--

Good. Okay.

What about last year,

when I took him to the hospital every day.

Did he ever say thank you?

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Uncle Leo.

Hello!

Morty, are you nervous?

What nervous?

What's with the sunglasses? Who are you, Van Johnson?

Ah, I've got a black eye.

Hello.

Oh, uh, Elaine, this is my Aunt Stella.

[IMITATING BRANDO] Stella!

Stella!

Stella!

Her back hurts.

Um, we saw you on The Tonight Show last week.

I thought Johnny was very rude to you.

He didn't even let you talk.

No, no.

You need some new material.

I've heard you do that dog routine

three times already.

Stella!

Stella!

You should get your cousin Jeffrey

to write some material for you.

to write some material for you.

What are you talking--

Jeffrey works for the Parks Department.

Read the letters he's written.

He's funnier than the whole bunch of you.

UNCLE LEO: Oh, here's Jack.

We should sit down.

This better be good.

I'm missing Golden Girls for this.

[FAKE LAUGH]

I hate her like poison.

MAN: Hey, Jack, let's get started.

Ladies and gentlemen,

as you know,

every year,

Phase Two of the Pines of Mark Gables

honors the previous year's president.

and this year, we are honoring Morty Seinfeld.

CROWD: Morty!

A man who slept more hours on the job

than Ronald Reagan.

Slept on the job?

Slept on the job?

Being president of the condo is not easy.

It requires hard work, dedication, and commitment,

and, unfortunately,

he possesses none of these qualities.

He's joking.

His administration did excel in one department,

the hiring of incompetents.

That's what you say.

But we do owe him a debt of gratitude,

But we do owe him a debt of gratitude,

because by not fixing the crack in the sidewalk,

it put Mrs. Ziven out of commission

for a few weeks.

Tell them about when you took my son's pen back.

Tell them about that.

Dad!

He gave my son a pen and then he takes it back.

Tell them about that!

I took it back?

He gave it to me!

Come on, that's enough. Sit down.

I'm not finished.

Give me that microphone. Give it to me!

Morty, give me that back!

Where's the pen?

Ow!

Ow!

You broke my dental plate.

Doris, he broke my dental plate!

You son-of-a-bitch. I'm gonna sue you.

Jerry, do your act.

I can't. Nobody's even listening.

They're all going to leave.

Oh, God.

How you folks doing tonight?

MAN: Who are you?

Hey, have you ever noticed how they give you always

give you the peanuts on the planes?

WOMAN: Not my Harry. He flies first class.

Who would've thought that the number one thing

everybody wants on a plane is a peanut.

MAN: I'd rather have a bottle of scotch!

Do the dog routine.

Do the dog routine.

All I said was I liked the pen!

Stella!

DOCTOR: You could aggravate it.

I wouldn't go anywhere for at least five days.

Five days?

You want me to stay here for five more days?

There must be some mistake.

I'm afraid not.

Five days. Here.

So we have you for five more days.

So we have you for five more days.

Well, there's really no point in me staying.

I mean, you're just gonna be--

Excuse me?

Nothing.

[KNOCKING]

Good morning.

Hi, Evelyn.

Has Morty decided on a lawyer yet?

I don't think so.

Because my nephew Larry could do it.

He's a brilliant lawyer. He says Jack has no case.

Well, I'll ask him when he gets up.

Oh, and I spoke to Arnold,

and he says that according to the bylaws

and he says that according to the bylaws

of the condo constitution,

they need six votes

to throw you out for unruly behavior.

Not five.

Dr. Chernov is the one you'll have to suck up to.

DAD: Oh.

Oh.

Oh, my back.

Oh, my back!

It's that bar.

Who could hell could sleep on that thing?

I was very comfortable.

Morty, Arnold says they need six votes

to throw you out.

It's in the constitution.

It's in the constitution.

Who are you?

I'm a chiropractor.

What, are you kidding me?

Five more days?

Well, today's almost over,

and weekdays always go by fast,

and Friday, we're leaving.

so it's like two days really.

It's like a cup of coffee.

It'll go by like that.

Is Florida not hot and muggy enough

for these people?

They love heat.

If they try to land men on the sun,

If they try to land men on the sun,

I think these old retired guys

will be the only ones that will be able to handle it.

They'll just sit there on the redwood benches,

washcloth on their head,

going, "Trying to get a sweat going."

[♪]

[♪]