Original subtitles

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to the show.

Ah, the extra buttons.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Yeah.

[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]

What kind of a sicko really would save these,

have them in a huge file?

Drawers that wide. You know, you just...

"Where the hell is that button...?"

I mean, is it that hard to get black round buttons...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

that they have to make it into a whole thing?

that they have to make it into a whole thing?

Like this is such a great jacket.

The buttons are so unique, so one-of-a-kind.

You'll never find them.

We'll save you the trouble of knocking your brains out.

Because we know they're gonna fall off too.

That's the other point that they're trying to make here.

WOMAN: Everyone in my family is creative,

and even though I'm working as an accountant right now,

I'd really like to eventually work exclusively

on my papier-mâché hats.

I--I don't understand, paper-mâché hats?

Hmm.

What--? What if it rains?

They're art. You hang them on the wall.

They're art. You hang them on the wall.

Ha-ho! Art. Yeah.

It's my creative outlet, one of my passions.

Any money in it?

"Whoso belongs only to his age

reverences only its popinjays and mumbo jumbos."

Of course. Right.

Thomas Carlyle, 1864.

Tommy C.

JERRY: These are the receipts from '85.

and I'm gonna do '86.

and I'm gonna do '86.

I'm sorry. I thought it was a legitimate charity.

I didn't know you'd get audited.

I don't blame you. I blame myself.

No, blame me.

Okay, I blame you.

No, no, don't blame me.

What was I supposed to do?

You knew I was on my first date with Elaine.

You come barging in here, asking me to contribute money

to a volcano relief fund for Krakatoa.

It was supposed to erupt!

I find the whole thing very embarrassing.

Well, you know what my feelings are about this.

I don't even pay taxes. Yeah.

That's easy when you have no income.

That's easy when you have no income.

Hi.

Hey. Hi.

Kramer... [CLEARS THROAT]

do me a favor, will you?

If you insist on making pasta in my apartment,

please don't put the tomato sauce on the pasta

while it's in the strainer.

All the little squares have hardened red sauce in them.

What's so funny?

Oh, I don't know. Kramer dating your roommate.

It's funny.

Ha. It's a riot, Alice.

Ha. It's a riot, Alice.

Well, when do you put the sauce on?

Any other time.

No, no, no. I like to strain the sauce.

ELAINE: And...

I could really live without the tribal music

and the make-out sessions in the living room.

Yeah, Tina likes the couch.

What are you doing? What is all this?

Oh, he's, uh helping me sort my receipts.

I'm being audited.

[GASPS] You're being audited? What for?

[GASPS] You're being audited? What for?

Oh, I contributed money to a charity

that turned out to be fraudulent.

It's really very boring.

When was this?

A long, long time ago...

in a galaxy far, far away.

I remember you, uh,

donated to some

volcano thing

on our first date.

Volcano? Really?

Oh, wait a minute.

Don't tell me that that was--

Something to drink?

What, did you think That would impress me?

What, did you think That would impress me?

You've got me all wrong.

I was thinking only of the poor Krakatoan.

Like you'd make this donation for 50 bucks,

and I'd start tearing my clothes off?

Those brave Krakatoans! [LAUGHS]

East of Java...

who sacrificed so much for so long.

And now you're being audited because of it.

See, that's karma.

No, that's Krama.

So, what are you gonna do?

It's all taken care of.

It's all taken care of.

How is that?

[CHUCKLES]

JERRY: An old friend of mine,

whom you may have met,

George Costanza,

has recently become intimate

with a female accountant who was formerly...

a highly placed official with a little outfit...

known as the IRS.

And as we speak, at this very moment,

he is handing over to her

all of my pertinent tax information,

and she has assured us

that the matter is well within her field of expertise.

that the matter is well within her field of expertise.

Mm-hmm.

Why is she doing this?

I don't know. It must be love.

I don't think we should see each other anymore.

You're great, but...

I'm --I'm riddled with personal problems.

What's wrong? What did I do?

But-- Nothing. It's not you.

It's me. I...

I have a fear of commitment.

I don't know how to love.

You hate my earrings, don't you?

No, no.

And you didn't comment on the chopsticks.

I love the chopsticks. I--

I love the chopsticks. I--

I personally prefer a fork, but they look very nice.

You're not telling me the truth.

I must've done something.

I have a fear of intimacy.

Don't give me clichés.

I have a right to know. What did I do wrong?

Nothing. It's not you.

I want the truth!

The truth!

You want the truth?

It is your earrings!

It is your chopsticks!

But it's so much more!

You're pretentious!

You call everyone by their full name.

You called my doorman, Sammy, "Samuel,"

You called my doorman, Sammy, "Samuel,"

but you didn't even say "Samuel."

You went "Sam-u-el."

Papier-mâché?

What is papier-mâché?

Keep going.

I-- I think I made my point.

I'm-- I'm sorry if I was a little harsh.

No.

I asked for the truth.

Thank you for being so honest.

Can I, uh...?

Can I walk you back to work?

I really prefer to go alone.

I really prefer to go alone.

How much do I owe?

[SCOFFS] Oh, please.

Four dollars is fine.

If this audit had happened to me,

and I didn't have this woman to help me,

I would've killed this man.

I would've strangled the life out of him

with my bare hands.

I don't blame you.

Have you ever been through an audit?

No. It's hell!

It's the financial equivalent

of a complete rectal examination.

I would've killed this man.

Torn him limb from limb. [INTERCOM BUZZES]

Torn him limb from limb. [INTERCOM BUZZES]

Ripped the flesh right off his bones.

Yeah? It's George.

Come on up.

Ah, there he is,

the man himself,

George Louis Costanza.

Here I am, about to go to the electric chair,

and my oldest friend is dating the governor.

My whole life has been a complete waste of time.

And there's so much more to go.

Okay. Now I know what I'm supposed to do.

It is so simple.

Tell the truth.

Tell the truth.

That's all. Just tell the truth.

So, what happened? You give her my tax papers?

What? My papers?

Oh...

What?

Oh, the papers.

JERRY: What happened? You didn't give her the papers?

GEORGE: No, I did.

So?

I broke up with her.

You what?

I broke up with her.

I'm being audited,

and you broke up with her?

It's okay. It's fine.

She'll do it. I'm sure she'll still do it.

Why? Why would she still do it?

She hates you now.

People don't do you favors after you dump them.

No, no. We--

We left on good terms. How is that possible?

Because I, uh...

I told her the truth.

Oh, my God.

It's okay.

It's unheard of!

She asked me to.

So you lie!

What did you tell her?

I told her that she was...

I told her that she was...

pretentious.

Pretentious?

The woman has my tax papers.

You told her she's pretentious?

The IRS...

they're like the mafia!

They can take anything they want!

How would you it if someone told you the truth?

Like what? What could they say?

There are plenty of things to say.

Like what? I'm bald? What is it specifically?

Is--? Is there an odor I'm not aware of?

George, please.

What? Give me one.

You sure? Yes.

Okay.

You're extremely...

careful with money.

I'm what?

Oh, forget it. I'm cheap?

You think I'm cheap? ELAINE: See?

How could you say that to me? I can't believe this!

How could you say that to me? You asked me to!

You should've lied!

Ah! So should you!

Okay, wait a second, wait a second.

What happened to my papers?

I mean, I'm not really working right now.

I know!

When I was working, I spent, baby!

Yeah, I know. Champagne, limos, cigars.

Yeah, I know. Champagne, limos, cigars.

What happened to the papers?

She put them in her pocketbook. I guess she took them with her.

Her pocketbook or her handbag?

Is that relevant?

She took them.

Call her office.

Give me the phone.

Yeah, hi. I'd like to speak to Patrice.

What?

Oh, really.

Oh, okay. Thank you.

Oh, okay. Thank you.

Huh.

What? What?

She never came back from lunch.

This is no good.

This is no good.

Call her house.

[MUTTERS] Yeah, yeah, call her house.

Hi. Are you okay?

N-No. No, no. N--

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

She hung up.

Not good.

All right, look, there's nothing to be worried about.

She's just a little annoyed right now.

Tomorrow I'll personally go over there.

I'll apologize. I'll get the papers.

Don't worry.

Don't worry.

Not good.

[KNOCKING ON GLASS]

Yeah, it's a windshield.

Yeah, it's a windshield.

I can see that.

What's it for?

I found it on the road.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Yeah?

ELAINE: I just finished working out. Are you busy?

No. Come on up.

Can you believe somebody threw this out?

You know, I'm gonna make a coffee table out of this

and surprise Tina.

Well, wouldn't it be invisible?

I mean, what, are you gonna

just sense it's in front of the couch?

just sense it's in front of the couch?

I don't know.

Hello.

Hello.

What's with you two?

You haven't told him?

Told me what?

[SCOFFS]

Go ahead.

Tell him.

Tell him.

I--

I saw her naked.

He saw me naked.

Kramer...

saw me naked.

Well, you know, it was an accident.

Who walks into a woman's bedroom without knocking? I wanna know.

I thought it was a closet.

Completely naked?

Completely naked.

Jerry!

How can I go on?

All right, I'll tell you what.

If it's gonna make you feel any better,

you can see me naked. No, thank you.

No, I want you to see me naked.

No, no, no. No, I want to show you.

No, Jerry! Jerry! Hold it just a second.

Let's not lose our heads here.

Now, Kramer, you know you're always welcome in my home,

but as far as Mr. Johnson is concerned...

that's another story.

that's another story.

[GROANS]

ELAINE: What is this?

Well, it's a windshield.

It's gonna be your new coffee table.

Oh...

I'm gonna kill myself on that thing!

You can't even see it!

You'll sense it.

Well?

What happened? Was she there?

No. No, she wasn't.

You didn't get my papers?

No, I didn't.

Well, where is she?

A mental institution.

Why is it so difficult, uncomfortable to be naked?

It's because when you have clothes on,

you can always kind of make those little adjustments

which people love to do.

You feel like you're getting it together.

"Yeah. Yeah, I look pretty good.

Feeling good, looking good, you know."

but when you're naked, it's like...

It's so final.

"You're just, well...

"That's it.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

There's nothing else I can do."

There's nothing else I can do."

That's why I like to wear a belt when I'm naked.

Because I feel it gives me something, some--

You know, I'm naked, but, you know.

I'd like to get pockets to hang off of the belt.

That would be-- Wouldn't that be the ultimate thing?

To be naked and still be able to do this.

I think that would really help a lot.

JERRY: A mental institution?

You know what they do in there?

Did you see Cuckoo's Nest?

They put those electrodes in your head.

It's not really a mental institution.

It's more like a depression clinic.

She went out to Woodhaven and checked herself in.

I'm-- I'm sick over this.

Who told you this?

Her roommate.

I've driven women to lesbianism before,

but never to a mental institution.

You know, my friend Bob Sacamano had shock treatments,

but his synapses were so large...

but his synapses were so large...

[CLICKS] had no effect.

You know, I hate to raise a crass financial concern,

but was there any information

as to the whereabouts of my papers?

Well, she put them in her pocketbook.

She probably took them out there with her.

KRAMER: Boy. So, what now?

I don't know.

Can we go out there?

Where? Woodhaven.

We could.

GEORGE: I'm very nervous about this.

I've never spoken to a mental patient before.

I've never spoken to a mental patient before.

My cousin Douglas was in a place like this one time.

Came over to my house for dinner...

there was no soda...

and he went berserk.

He was screaming, "Where's the Pepsi? Where's the Pepsi?"

I should be in a place like this.

I envy this woman.

You get to wear slippers all day.

Friends visit, they pity you.

Pity's very underrated.

I like it. It's good.

I like it. It's good.

Plus they give you those word association tests.

I love those.

Oh, they're great. There's no wrong answer.

Potato. Tuberculosis.

Blanket. Leroy.

Grass. Tuberculosis.

Oh, boy. Here she comes.

[TRIBAL DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

WOMAN: Oh, Krame...

Rrrar.

Kramer!

Kramer, could you please put something on?

Oh... Oh.

Heh, oh.

Oh, boy.

Listen, you want some leftovers? Uh...

Listen, you want some leftovers? Uh...

I made some African food. There's yambalas and sambusa.

WOMAN: Sweetie...

Are you coming back to bed?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll be right there, babe.

Oh.

Hi, Elaine.

What did you think of the coffee table?

[KRAMER CHUCKLES]

It's invisible.

So is everything cool or what?

Yeah, um, you seem a little bit dysfunctional.

Well...

Come on, Elaine.

Come on, Elaine.

Just tell us the truth.

The truth?

You want the truth?

Who are you?

Oh, um...

[GENTLY] This is my friend...

Jerry.

Why are you talking like that?

[ANGRILY] What do you want?

Want? What--? What could I possibly want?

I, uh, just came because I--

I heard so many nice things about you from George.

I heard so many nice things about you from George.

George thinks I'm pretentious.

[SCOFFS] Pretentious.

Wh-who isn't pretentious? I mean...

If everyone that was pretentious

was in a mental institution...

O-o-obviously, this isn't a mental institution.

You're just trying to take it all back

because you're feeling guilty I'm in here.

No, that's not it at all.

Don't lie, George!

I'm not a liar!

Uh, we're cool. Everything's cool.

No problem. We're good.

Just chatting.

Very friendly.

Alrighty.

Alrighty.

No reason for us to raise our voices.

I know what you said. You can't change that.

What I said.

I say stupid things all the time.

I can't go two minutes

without saying something stupid.

It's one stupid thing after another.

So let me ask you,

when you come to one of these places,

what do you bring, your pocketbook?

You should be the one criticizing me.

I-I'm lucky to even know someone like you.

Do you mean that?

Of course I mean that.

I'm incapable of guile.

I'm incapable of guile.

He's never guiled.

JERRY: You know, some women

keep a lot of important papers in their, uh...

pocketbooks,

like, for example, oh...

someone else's personal financial papers.

Papers? Oh, Jerry,

You're the Jerome with the tax problem.

You know...

after that date with George,

I got so cuckoo,

I threw out all your papers.

So I'd love to help you,

but I'll just need the copies.

There are no copies.

So...

are you saying you want to continue seeing me?

Who makes copies?

The truth is...

I think...

Yeah.

You make a very

nice couple.

KRAMER: Yeah-hah.

Oh...

Oh, Kramer.

[TRIBAL DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

Here, Kramer?

No, no. Let's go to the couch.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

JERRY: Yes, I'm trying to get a copy

of a receipt for a computer that I bought there.

It was 1987.

I remember I talked to a guy

had like a maroon sport jacket,

and he might've had a toupee.

Oh, it was a weave.

Okay, uh...

Well, then, I'll come by.

Okay, bye.

Anybody want to take a walk down to 48th street?

I think I may have tracked down another receipt.

I can't. I gotta go visit Tina in the hospital.

George? I'm going to a poetry reading

with Patrice.

First-time poets.

It's in a burnt-out building down by the docks.

It's supposed to be good.

Hey.

Hey.

Are you going to the hospital now?

Yeah, I suppose I am.

All right, great, great.

Uh, we'll share a cab.

Oh, you're going by 48th street. You can give me a ride.

I'm getting in on that.

Yeah.

You know you're chipping in.

You're going that way anyway!

Aw, come on!

I was audited last year. I have been through an audit.

At first I thought, "Well, IRS, kind of sounds like Toys 'R' Us.

"Maybe it won't be so bad. [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Maybe they have a sense of fun about it, you know?"

But it's-- It's bad. It's an ordeal...

But it's-- It's bad. It's an ordeal...

and they don't do anything to keep your spirits up

through the ordeal.

I think they should take all your receipts

and put them in one of those big Lucite sweepstake drums

and just kind of crank it around there.

You know, give you a feeling like you might win something.

You know what I mean?

Then they can pull them out one by one and go,

"Oh, I'm sorry. That's another illegal deduction,

"but we do have some lovely parting gifts for you...

Jail."

[♪]

[♪]