Original subtitles

Every time somebody recommends a doctor, he's always the best.

"Oh, is he good?" "Oh, he's the best."

"This guy's the best." They can't all be the best.

There can't be this many bests.

Someone's graduating at the bottom of these classes.

Where are these doctors?

Is somewhere someone saying to their friend,

"You should see my doctor. He's the worst.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Oh, yeah. He's the worst.

"He's the absolute worst there is.

"Whatever you've got,

"it'll be worse after you see him. Yeah.

He's just a-- He's a butcher. The man's a butcher."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

And then there's always that,

"Make sure that you tell him

that, you know, you know me."

Why? What's the difference? He's a doctor.

What is he--? "Oh, you know Bob.

"Oh, okay, I'll give you the real medicine.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Yeah, everybody else I'm giving Tic Tacs."

WOMAN: And usually for lunch,

I'll have a salad.

And for dinner, I eat whatever I want.

What do you think the worst part of being blind is?

Excuse me?

You know, if you were blind,

what do you think the worst part of it would be?

I don't know.

I think it would be not being able to tell

if there was bugs in my food.

How could you ever enjoy a meal like that?

I'd constantly be feeling around with my lips and my tongue.

Well, that's how my 5-year-old eats.

He's a very picky eater.

Did you hear about that kid that was kidnapped

the other day in Pennsylvania?

No.

Oh, he's at a carnival with his mother.

she goes to get a hot dog. Next thing you know,

she turns around, boom, he's gone.

Oh.

Imagine how sick a person has to be to do something like that.

Imagine how sick a person has to be to do something like that.

[VOICE TREMBLING] And these people are all over the place.

You never know who's crazy. I could be one of these people.

Have you seen any good movies?

Who takes care of your boy during the day?

[NERVOUSLY] We have a woman.

Why?

No, no. I'm just saying, you know.

She had references.

Oh, I'm sure she did.

I'm sure they're impeccable.

I'm talking about the ones that forge them.

You know, I think this is really helping.

You know, I think this is really helping.

[AGGRESSIVELY] I don't live near here, you know.

JERRY: So she's giving me the massage,

and I'm just making conversation.

I don't like to talk during a massage.

Neither do I, but I do it for them. I figure they're bored.

Hey, I do that too.

I feel guilty about getting the pleasure.

I feel like I don't deserve it, so I talk.

It stops me from enjoying it.

There's nothing to eat in here.

[GASPS] Oh! I forgot to tell you.

I'm in the middle of a story. Oh, okay, go ahead.

Why don't you ever go shopping?

Why don't you ever go shopping?

It's not like it's a really funny story or anything.

What happened?

Well, so she mentioned that she had a son.

And then for some reason

I launch into the story

about the kid from Pennsylvania who was abducted.

Oh, wasn't that terrible?

Yes, it was.

Not even an apple.

She doesn't wanna hear that. That was stupid.

I know it was stupid.

Really stupid.

Hey, I just said it was stupid.

What about this leftover Chinese food?

Take it.

I can't believe you said that.

Hey, would you stop it already?

So, what did she say?

So, what did she say?

I don't know, She actually seemed to get a little paranoid.

[SCOFFS] GEORGE: This is terrible.

What is this, ginger? I hate ginger.

I can't understand how anyone can eat ginger.

I have a good masseuse you can go to.

No, she's really good. She's not just a masseuse.

She's a physical therapist. There's a big difference.

She uses the ultrasound.

It's a real medical procedure.

In fact, if you get a doctor's note,

it's covered by insurance.

Physical therapy is covered by insurance?

Yeah.

You don't pay for the massage?

Not if you have a doctor's note.

Not if you have a doctor's note.

So where do you get this note?

Well, I've never actually done it,

but if I really wanted to,

I could probably get one from my friend Roy, the dentist.

Right. Your friend Roy.

What's the name of this physical therapist?

I'll tell you, but don't ask her anything about her kid.

She's a little off.

And you don't have to pay?

GEORGE: We have 3:00 appointments.

George and Elaine, right?

Right.

Could you fill these out for me, please?

And, um,

Elaine, you'll be seeing Julianna.

Elaine, you'll be seeing Julianna.

Okay. And, George,

you'll be with Raymond.

Excuse me. Did you say Raymond?

Yes.

But, uh...

Raymond is a man.

That's right.

I can't get a massage from a man.

I can't get a massage from a man.

Why not? What, are you crazy?

I can't have a man touching me.

Switch with me.

Ew, I don't want the man either.

What's the difference? You're a woman.

They're supposed to be touching you.

He'd just be touching your back.

He'd just be touching your back too.

No, it could get sexual.

I know.

That's the point. If it's gonna get sexual,

it should get sexual with you.

I wouldn't be comfortable.

I would?

What if something happens?

Oh, [SCOFFS]

what could happen?

what could happen?

What if it felt good?

It's supposed to feel good.

I don't want it to feel good.

Then why get the massage?

Exactly.

[MUTTERS] Jeez.

George.

Y--

Yes.

I'm Raymond.

Hello.

Hello.

Are you ready?

And then Julianna asked me if I wanted

to join her here in the office.

Really?

Used to be a flight attendant.

[GRUNTING]

Oh, boy.

You know, why don't you open those pants.

It's gonna be a lot easier that way.

It's gonna be a lot easier that way.

So, what do you do?

What?

I said, what do you do?

I-- I don't know.

You don't know what you do?

No.

[LAUGHS] Oh, come on.

You're very tense.

Coffee. Too much coffee.

Coffee. Too much coffee.

Okay. You should take off those pants now.

I'll work the hamstring.

Oh, the hamstring's fine.

But you wrote that it was tender.

[CHUCKLING] I wrote. I wrote.

I'll check it out.

Are you sure?

Yeah. Take them off.

[SQUISHING]

How did you hurt this?

I don't know.

You don't know?

No.

But you just told me-- Korea.

You hurt it in Korea?

What?

What?

The hamstring.

Korea.

How?

Hamstring.

How did you hurt the hamstring?

Hotel.

Oh...

[DEEP BREATH] How'd it go?

George?

JERRY: No appointments at all?

Because my neck is still tight.

What about Thursday?

What about Thursday?

And Friday? [DOOR OPENS]

Oh, boy.

Okay. Thanks anyway.

What's with you?

[SCOFFS]

A, uh...

Yes. A...

A man gave me...

Yes. A man gave you...

A man gave me...

[LAUGHS]

a massage.

a massage.

So?

So he...

had his hands...

And, uh...

he was, uh...

He was what?

He-- He was, uh...

touching and rubbing. [LAUGHS]

That's a massage.

And then I took my pants off.

You took your pants off?

For my hamstring.

Oh.

He got about, uh...

two inches from...

two inches from...

there. Really?

I think it moved.

It moved?

It may have moved. I don't know.

I'm sure it didn't move.

It moved!

It was imperceptible, but I-I-I felt it.

Maybe it just wanted to change positions. You know...

shift to the other side.

No, no.

It wasn't a shift. I've shifted.

This was a move.

Okay. So what if it moved?

Okay. So what if it moved?

That's the sign, the test.

If a-- If a man makes it move.

That's not the test. Contact is the test.

If it moves as a result of contact.

Do you think it's contact?

It has to be touched?

That's what a gym teacher once told me.

Hey. Hey.

I just saw Joe DiMaggio in Dinky Doughnuts.

You know, I looked in there

and there he was having coffee and a doughnut.

and there he was having coffee and a doughnut.

Joe DiMaggio?

In Dinky Doughnuts? Yes.

Joe DiMaggio.

No. I'm sorry.

If Joe DiMaggio wants a doughnut,

he goes to a fancy restaurant or a hotel.

He's not sitting in Dinky Doughnuts.

Well, maybe he likes Dinky Doughnuts.

I don't even like to sit next to a man on an airplane,

because our knees might touch.

I can't see Joe DiMaggio sitting at the counter

at little, tiny, filthy, smelly Dinky Doughnuts.

Why can't Joe DiMaggio have a doughnut like everybody else?

He can have a doughnut... All right. Yeah.

but not a Dinky.

but not a Dinky.

I don't even like to use urinals.

Always been a stall man.

Look, I'm telling--

I'm telling you, that was Joe DiMaggio.

The guy slept with Marilyn Monroe.

He's in Dinky Doughnuts.

All right. Look, what about this doctor's note?

Let's go see your friend, Roy.

I never said I'd do that.

What are you talking about?

That's 75 bucks.

I'm not working. I can't afford that.

I don't know how I feel about it.

Oh, what are you, like a Quaker now?

Oh, what are you, like a Quaker now?

All right, all right.

A stall man, huh?

[CHUCKLES]

JERRY: So we were just wondering

if it was possible for you to write us a note.

And if you can't, believe me, it's fine.

He didn't say he can't.

I mean if you feel funny about it at all.

He doesn't feel funny. If he does.

GEORGE: Do you feel funny? JERRY: Forget it.

He didn't say anything.

He feels funny.

You don't have to do this.

He knows that!

Roy, should we go? Is this a breach of our friendship?

Oh, can you be any more dramatic?

Oh, can you be any more dramatic?

Don't be ridiculous.

Holyfield. He's a good friend of one of my patients.

He's got a hell of a body, doesn't he?

How would I know?

Do you like him?

What do you mean, like him?

Do you like him? Well, I mean,

he's a good fighter and a nice guy,

but I don't like him.

How come you don't like him?

Why should I?

What is the matter with you?

Nothing. Why?

You think something's wrong? Am I different?

You think something's wrong? Am I different?

So you want the notes?

You don't have to, really.

No, no. It's okay.

We should probably get one for Elaine too, right, George?

George?

George.

JERRY: Well, what about the week after?

No appointments at all?

What?

Well, can I--?

Can I at least just talk to her so I can apologize?

Forget it.

I can't believe this.

I make one innocent comment...

about some lunatic in Pennsylvania,

and I'm cut off.

This woman is insane.

What's with you?

What?

Well, you were too close to me. I was all scrunched in there.

Hey, you scrunched me.

I sat down here first.

I sat down here first.

[DOOR OPENS] KRAMER: Hey.

[DOOR CLOSES]

I saw DiMaggio in the doughnut shop again.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Joe DiMaggio? Joe DiMaggio.

You know this time I went in and I sat down across from him

and I really watched him.

I studied his every move.

For example...

he dunks.

Joe DiMaggio dunks his doughnuts?

That's right. See, now I know it's not him.

That's right. See, now I know it's not him.

Joe DiMaggio could not be a dunker.

Oh, he's a dunker.

Why couldn't he be a dunker?

And nothing diverts his attention.

Like, I'm, you know--

Like, I'm sitting in there, you know

and I start banging on the table, you know, to--

So that he'll look up.

You know, like, I'm sitting there, and I:

You know.

He wouldn't move.

So then I started doing these yelping noises like,

yow!

Yow!

Yow!

Uh...

No reaction, because the guy is so focused, you see.

He can just block out anything that's going on around him.

See, that's how he played baseball.

He dunks like he hits.

So then what?

Well, then the waitress, she comes up and she tells me

to shut up or they're gonna throw me out.

Why didn't you just call out his name?

KRAMER: Well--

What happened to you?

These kids called me a Mary.

A what?

I was jumping over a puddle.

And for some reason, I went like this:

And they called me a Mary.

So I chased them and I tripped and I fell.

Yeah, you know kids. They can be very perceptive.

Hey, George.

What is this?

What is that?

What is that?

No, really. What is that? [PHONE RINGS]

Yeah.

Hello.

Oh, hi, Roy.

What?

Oh, my God.

Well, how did this happen?

What can I do?

Oh.

I am so sorry.

Okay.

Bye.

That was Roy.

He's under investigation for insurance fraud.

He's under investigation for insurance fraud.

KRAMER: ♪ He's just a man ♪

♪ And not a freak ♪

♪ Joltin' Joe ♪

♪ DiMaggio ♪

♪ Joe, Joe ♪

♪ Go Joe ♪

JERRY: I told you.

Told me what? I told you we shouldn't do it.

I didn't say anything. He's got a house, a family.

They could take away his license.

You should've heard him.

Three notes. How stupid was that?

We never should've got three notes.

Three notes? Yeah. You, me and George.

You got me a note? Yeah.

But I got my own note.

You what?

I got a note from my gynecologist.

Why'd you do that?

I didn't know you were getting me a note.

Of course I was getting you a note.

But you didn't say anything.

Neither did you. Oh.

Neither did you. Oh.

That's how he got caught.

We sent in four notes from two doctors.

How could you do that to your friend?

He's got a wife, kids...

and a lot of other stuff.

Oh...

yyyyyeah.

Hi, Pam.

Hello. Hello.

I just thought maybe I could talk to Roy if--

Pam, did the x-ray

from Mrs. Sloane...?

from Mrs. Sloane...?

Hi.

Hi, Roy. How you doing?

Come on back.

I have a patient, but she's under.

I don't even know what to say.

Me neither.

I knew this would happen.

Me too.

I mean, the whole thing, it's just...

Tragic.

Well, it's not tragic.

No?

No. It's...

Unsettling?

Okay.

I mean, what if they--?

I hope you're both happy.

I'm not happy.

Me, neither.

I've never been happy.

I mean, I'm happy sometimes, but-- But not now.

In college, maybe.

Those were fun times.

Yeah, college was fun.

Yeah. Yeah.

You know the whole practice is in jeopardy.

You know that.

Don't mind her. Oh, please.

I love her.

I've just met her, but I'm very impressed.

I've just met her, but I'm very impressed.

I don't understand.

I've never had a problem with these notes before.

Well, what's the next move? What's gonna happen now?

Well, nothing, really, as long as we get

the physical therapist to go along with our story.

What? The physical therapist? Why?

She just has to say

the complaint was related to a dental problem.

How you doing?

Hi. Uh, look, I know I don't have an appointment,

but it's really important that I talk with Julianna.

but it's really important that I talk with Julianna.

I'm sorry, Mr. Seinfeld. She's not in.

I know she's mad at me, but I really have to speak with her.

I told you she's not here. You don't understand.

Look, you have to leave. I--

Wait a second. Don't you--?

Hi, hi. Look, I don't know what you think--

Please! But, you see...

Let me just talk to you for a second.

See, what I did is

inadvertently sent in an insurance--

I treated you,

so please just get out of the office.

But can't you just listen to me? Run, Billy!

Run to the office and close the door!

Call the police.

The police.

What is the--?

Hi, George.

Uh... Hello.

Raymond?

ELAINE: Well, I mean, it's only a six-month probation.

It's a slap on the wrist.

Yeah, I still don't see

any dinner invitations forthcoming.

Men have been popping into my sexual fantasies.

All of a sudden, I'll be

in the middle...

Of what?

And a guy will appear from out of nowhere.

I said, "Get out of here.

What do you want? You don't belong here."

What do they do? They talk back.

They go, "Hey, George, how's it going?" I mean...

I said, "Get the hell out of here."

Hey, it's the K-Man.

[KNOCKING]

[LAUGHS]

Maybe it's time you got a different hobby.

Oh, man.

[GROANS]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

I just came from Roy's.

I threw up from the gas.

JERRY: Did he say anything?

No, no. He's fine.

[WHISPERING] Oh, my God. It's...

What? Joe DiMaggio.

Where?

Having a cup of coffee.

ELAINE: And he's dunking. KRAMER: Yeah. Ah?

Wow. Look at him.

The Yankee Clipper. KRAMER: Yeah.

The Yankee Clipper. KRAMER: Yeah.

Here.

You see? Now, that is a handsome man.

Oh, please.

Wait, wait. Hold on a minute. Wait.

Oh.

Yee!

Yee-hee!

See? I told you.

What causes homophobia?

What is it that makes a heterosexual man worry?

What is it that makes a heterosexual man worry?

I think it's because

men know that deep down

we have weak sales resistance.

We're constantly buying shoes that hurt us,

pants that don't fit right.

Men think, "Obviously, I can be talked into anything.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

What if I accidentally wander

into some sort of homosexual store

thinking it's a shoe store, and the salesman goes,

"Just hold this guy's hand, walk around the store a little bit.

"See how you feel.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"No obligation, no pressure, just try it.

"No obligation, no pressure, just try it.

Would you like to see him in a sandal?"

♪ Hey Di-di-dee ♪

♪ Wah ♪

♪ Wah ♪

♪ Hey Di-zi-ski-dee ♪

[BETTY BONNEY'S "JOLTIN' JOE DiMAGGIO" PLAYING]

[BETTY BONNEY'S "JOLTIN' JOE DiMAGGIO" PLAYING]

♪ Started baseball's Famous streak ♪

♪ That's got us All aglow ♪

♪ He's just a man And not a freak ♪

♪ Joltin' Joe DiMaggio ♪

♪ Joe, Joe DiMaggio ♪

♪ We want you On our side ♪

♪ He tied the mark At 44 ♪

♪ July the first You know ♪

♪ Since then he's hit A good 12 more ♪

♪ Joltin' Joe DiMaggio ♪

♪ Joe, Joe DiMaggio ♪

♪ We want you On our side ♪

♪ We want you On our side ♪

♪ From coast to coast That's all you'll hear ♪

♪ Of Joe The one-man show ♪

♪ He's glorified The horsehide sphere ♪

♪ Joltin' Joe DiMaggio ♪

♪ Joe ♪