Original subtitles

I was watching women

in the department store the other day trying on clothes,

and I noticed that they do it differently from men.

Women don't try on the clothes,

they get behind the clothes, you see?

They take a dress off the rack,

and they hold it up against themselves.

They can tell something from this.

They stick one leg way out.

Because they need to know

if someday I'm one-legged at a 45-degree angle,

what am I going to wear?

You never see a man do that.

You never see a man do that.

You never see a guy take a suit off the rack,

put his head in the neck and go,

"What do you think about this suit?

"I think I'll get it. Yeah, looks fine.

"Put some shoes by the bottom of the pants.

"I wanna make sure.

"Yeah, perfect. Now, what if I'm walking?

Move the shoes, move the shoes, move the shoes, move the shoes."

[CHANGING TELEVISION CHANNELS]

What are you doing?

All right. All right!

What's the matter with that?

What about that one?

What about that one?

Robert Vaughn, The Helsinki Formula?

He was good in Man From U.N.C.L.E.

Guess whose birthday is coming up soon?

I know. I know.

I'm having my root canal the same week.

Oh, right. I hope you got a good oral surgeon,

because that can be very serious.

Hey, look it, naked people.

No, I don't wanna see the naked people.

No, I don't wanna see the naked people.

Been a while?

I have a vague recollection

of doing something with someone,

but it was a long, long time ago.

I think my last time was in Rochester.

My hair was a lot shorter.

I remember that it's a good thing...

and someday, I hope to do it again.

What?

What?

What was that look?

What look?

The look you just gave me.

I gave a look? Yes.

What kind of a look?

I know that look.

So what was it?

Why should I tell you?

Well, you're the big look expert.

I want to see how smart you are.

Trust me. I know the look.

Trust me. I know the look.

So?

What?

What about the look?

I don't know.

You got something on your mind?

No.

Things pop into your head.

You?

Things occur to me from time to time.

Yeah. Me too.

Well, you can't expect

to just forget the past completely.

Well, no, of course not.

Well, no, of course not.

I mean, it's something we did.

Probably about... what, 25 times.

37.

Yeah, we pretty much know what we're doing in there.

We know the terrain.

No big surprises.

Nope.

What do you think?

What do you think?

I don't know. What do you think?

Well, it's something to consider.

Yeah.

I mean, let's say...

what if... we did?

What if?

Is that like the end of the world or something?

Certainly not.

Why shouldn't we be able

to do that once in a while if we want to?

I know!

I mean, really, what is the big deal?

We go in there.

We're in there for a while,

then we come back out here.

That's not complicated.

That's not complicated.

It's almost stupid if we didn't.

It's moronic.

Absurd!

Of course...

I guess maybe some little problems could arise.

There are always a few.

I mean, if anything happened,

and we couldn't be friends the way we are now,

that would really be bad.

Devastating.

Because this... is very good.

And that would be good.

And that would be good.

That would be good too.

The idea is to combine the this...

and the that,

but this cannot be disturbed.

Yeah, we just want to take this...

and... add that.

But of course, we'd have to figure out a way

to avoid the things that cause the little problems.

Maybe some rules or something.

Huh.

For example...

For example...

Now, I call you whenever I'm inclined

and vice versa... Right.

but if we did that,

we might feel... a certain obligation to call.

Well, why should that be?

Oh! I have an idea. I have an idea.

No calls the day after that.

Beautiful.

Let's make it a rule.

All right, sir.

Now, here's another little rule.

Now, here's another little rule.

Yeah?

When we see each other now,

we retire to our separate quarters,

but sometimes when people get involved with that,

they feel pressure...

to sleep over,

when that... is not really sleep.

Sleep is separate from that,

and I don't see why sleep got all tied up

and connected...

and connected...

with that.

Okay, okay, rule number two--

spending the night is optional.

Well, now we're getting somewhere.

Good.

What about the kiss goodnight?

Tough one.

Your call.

It's bourgeois.

Fine.

Well...

Well...

Well...

You ready?

Ready.

So you think you can handle this?

Definitely.

[BANG]

Hey.

Hey.

Get the paper?

Not yet. No paper.

I haven't been out yet.

Well, what's taking you so long?

So... oh!

Oh, yeah.

What's the deal with Aquaman?

Could he go on the land,

Could he go on the land,

or was he just restricted to water?

No, I think I saw him on land a couple times.

So how's the job situation going?

Still looking.

Pretty bad out there.

What about you?

Nothing much. I slept with Elaine last night.

Oxygen. I need some oxygen.

This is major.

I thought you'd like that.

Oh, this is huge!

I know.

I know.

All right, okay. Let's go. Details.

Nah, I can't give details.

You what? I can't give details.

No details?

I'm not in the mood.

You ask me here to have lunch,

tell me you slept with Elaine,

and then say you're not in the mood for details.

Now, you listen to me.

I want details, and I want them right now.

I don't have a job, I have no place to go.

You're not in the mood?

You're not in the mood?

Well, you get in the mood!

All right. Okay.

Well, we were in my apartment, we're watching TV.

Where were you sitting? On the couch.

Next to each other? No, separate.

Time? Around 11:00.

Okay, go ahead.

So she's flipping around the TV,

and she gets to the naked station.

Oh... See, that's why I don't have cable in my house,

because of that naked station.

If I had that in my house, I would never turn it off.

If I had that in my house, I would never turn it off.

I wouldn't sleep, I wouldn't eat.

Eventually firemen would have to break through the door.

They'd find me sitting there in my pajamas

with drool coming down my face.

All right, all right,

so you're watching the naked station.

And then...

somehow we started talking about what if we had sex.

Boy, these are really bad details.

It pains me to say this,

but I may be getting too mature for details.

Oh, I hate to hear this.

Any kind of growth really irritates me.

Well, I'll tell you, though, it was really passionate.

Better than before?

She must have taken some kind of seminar or something.

This is all too much.

So, what are you feeling, what's going on?

Are you, like, a couple again now?

Not exactly.

Not exactly? What does that mean?

Well... we've tried to arrange a situation

where we'll be able to do this once in a while

and still be friends.

[LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY]

What?

Where are you living?

Are you here?

Are you on this planet?

It's impossible. It can't be done.

Thousands of years, people have been trying

to have their cake and eat it too.

So all of a sudden,

the two of you are gonna come along and do it.

Where do you get the ego?

No one can do it. It can't be done.

I think we've worked out a system.

I think we've worked out a system.

Oh, you know what you're like?

You're like a pathetic gambler.

One of these losers in Las Vegas

who keeps thinking he's gonna come up with a way

to win at blackjack.

No, this is very advanced.

We've designed a set of rules...

that we can maintain the friendship

by avoiding all the relationship pitfalls.

Sure. All right, tell me the rules.

Okay.

No calls the next day.

So you have the sex,

the next day you don't have to call.

the next day you don't have to call.

That's pretty good.

Go ahead.

You ready for the second one?

I have to tell you,

I'm very impressed with the first one.

Spending the night...

optional.

No. No, you see? You got greedy.

No, that's the rule. It's optional.

I know less about women...

than anyone in the world,

but the one thing I do know

but the one thing I do know

is that they are not happy if you don't spend the night.

It could be a hot, sweaty room with no air conditioning,

and all they have is a little army cot this wide.

You're not going anywhere.

I think you're wrong.

I hope I am.

Is this yours or the roommate's?

The roommate's.

Would she mind?

She keeps track of everything.

Yes, well, that's too bad, because I'm taking it.

Thanks.

Thanks.

Well...

guess I'll get going.

Oh.

Well, I've got that root canal tomorrow morning.

It'd be easier if I go home.

Fine. Go ahead.

I don't understand. Is there a problem?

I'm-I'm getting the impression there's a problem.

Just go.

I'm having surgery tomorrow!

Oh, surgery. You're going to the dentist!

But you said! It could be very serious!

Okay. So, fine. Go!

What happened to the rules?

Remember? Sleeping over was optional.

Remember? Sleeping over was optional.

Yeah, it's my house, it's my option.

It has nothing to do with whose house it is.

Oh, of course it does!

Hi.

Hi. Hi.

Hi, Jerry.

Hi.

Such a great improv class tonight.

Oh, really?

I did this improv...

where I pretended

I was working in one of those booths,

you know, in an amusement park

where you shoot the water in the clown's mouth,

and you blow up the balloon?

Uh, Tina, could you excuse us for just one second?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I'll excuse you.

What are you doing?

I can't go if you're mad.

I'm not mad.

You still seem a little mad.

No, no, Jerry, I'm fine. Really, it's okay.

So you're okay with everything?

Definitely. Are you?

Definitely.

Well... good night.

Well... good night.

Good ni-- What are you doing?

What?

The rules.

Hey, who took my cake?

What about jewelry? That's a nice birthday gift.

No, no, I have to be very careful here.

I don't want to send the wrong message,

especially after the other night.

Maybe I'll get her some jewelry.

No, no, you can't get her anything better than me.

Whatever I spend, you have to spend half.

What am I supposed to get her, Bazooka?

You don't understand. I'm in a very delicate position.

Whatever I give her, she's gonna be bringing in experts

from all over the country

from all over the country

to interpret the meaning behind it.

What does she need?

Maybe there's something that she needs.

I think I heard her say something about a bench.

A bench? What kind of a bench?

I don't know. She mentioned a bench.

What, like at a bus stop?

I don't know.

Like a park bench?

I have no idea.

Who puts a bench in the house?

Forget the bench!

I got it.

I got it.

You want to get her something nice?

What about a music box?

Nah, too relationship-y.

She opens it up, she hears that "Lara's Theme," I'm dead.

Okay, what about a nice frame

with a picture of another guy in it?

The frame says "I care for you, but if you want to get serious,

perhaps you'd be interested in someone like this."

Nice-looking fella.

What about candle holders?

Too romantic.

Lingerie?

Too sexual.

Too sexual.

Waffle maker?

Too domestic.

Bust of Nelson Rockefeller?

Too... gubernatorial.

Let's work on the card.

I had to buy a gift for someone.

The hardest part, to me, is that card.

That card is the killer.

I never know what it's supposed to say,

and it's getting so tough

because the relationships are becoming so complicated,

greeting card companies now put out cards

that are blank on the inside.

that are blank on the inside.

Nothing. No message.

I mean, it's like the card company says,

"We give up. You think of something," you know?

"For 75 cents, I don't want to get involved."

Maybe you won't like it.

Oh, how could I not like it?

Of course I'll like it.

You could not like it.

Just the fact that you remembered

means everything.

Of course I remembered.

You reminded me every day for two months.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, the card.

Cash?

What do you think?

You got me cash?

Well, this way, I figure you could go out

and get yourself whatever you want.

No good?

Who are you, my uncle?

Hey, come on, that's $182 there.

I don't think that's anything to sneeze at.

Let me see the card.

"To a wonderful girl,

a great pal, and more?"

Hey.

Oh, Elaine, I'm glad you're here.

Stay-- stay right here.

I'm gonna be right back. Stay.

Pal? You think I'm your pal?

Pal? You think I'm your pal?

I said, "And more."

I am not your pal.

What's wrong with pal?

Why is everybody so down on pal?

Here.

Oh, what is this?

You got me something?

Yeah. Yeah. Open it.

Oh, Kramer!

Oh! The bench!

You got me the bench that I wanted!

That's pretty good, huh? Great.

Remember when we were standing there, and she mentioned it?

I made a mental note of it.

Well, goodie for you.

Oh, yeah. See, I'm very sensitive about that.

I mean, someone's birthday comes up,

I keep my ears open.

So, what did you get her?

182 bucks.

Cash?

You gotta be kidding. What kind of gift is that?

That's like something her uncle would give her.

That's like something her uncle would give her.

Think where man's glory most begins and ends,

and say my glory was I had such a friend.

Yeats.

Oh, Kramer...

Yeah...

Could you excuse us, please?

Well, what?

We're talking.

Oh, the relationship.

Oh, the relationship.

You know, we never had one fight

before this deal.

I know.

Never. Ever.

We got along beautifully.

Like clams.

It was wonderful.

A pleasure.

So I think we should just forget the whole deal

and go back to being friends.

I can't do it.

I can't do it.

You what?

I can't do that.

You mean, it's...

No this?

No that?

No this or that. Oh, boy.

Hmm.

What do you want?

This, that, and the other.

This, that, and the other.

Oh, sure, of course. You're entitled.

Who doesn't want this, that, and the other?

You.

Well...

Oh, those birthdays.

I told you, they're relationship killers.

If a relationship is having any problems whatsoever,

a birthday will always bring it out.

I never should've made up those rules.

What is it about sex that just disrupts everything?

Is it the touching, is it the nudity?

Is it the touching, is it the nudity?

It can't be the nudity.

I never got into these terrible kind of fights

and misunderstandings

when I was changing before gym class.

You know what this means? I can't see her anymore, either.

Why?

It's breakup by association.

Besides, she's mad at me anyway because of my birthday present.

What? What did you wind up giving her?

$91.

Sorry about that.

So, what are you gonna do?

Well, if I do call her,

there's no joking around anymore.

This is pretty much it.

So maybe this should be it.

It could be it.

She seems like an it.

She's as it as you get.

Imagine bumping into her on the street in five years

with a husband?

And she tells me that he's a sculptor,

they live in Vermont.

[SNORTS]

We'd have to kill him.

We'd get caught. I'd get the chair.

We'd get caught. I'd get the chair.

I'd go to prison as your accomplice.

Have to wear that really heavy denim.

Go to the cafeteria line,

with the guy who slops those mashed potatoes onto your plate.

Go to the bathroom in front of hundreds of people.

Plus, you know what else.

You better call her.

Hey. Hey.

You got the paper yet?

Yeah.

Well, where is it?

Well, where is it?

Hey, are you done with that?

No.

Well, you're not reading it now.

All right, you can take it,

but I want it back.

Oh, yeah.

So, uh, what are you guys gonna do today?

Oh, this and...

that.

And the other.

Boy, I really liked the two of you much better

when you weren't a couple.

when you weren't a couple.

Why is commitment such a big problem for a man?

I think that for some reason,

when a man is driving down that freeway of life,

the woman's he's involved with is like an exit,

but he doesn't want to get out. He wants to keep driving,

and the woman is like, "Look, gas, food, lodging.

"That's our exit.

"That's everything we need to be happy.

Get out of here now!"

But the man is focusing on the sign underneath

that says, "Next exit-- 27 miles,"

that says, "Next exit-- 27 miles,"

and he thinks, "I can make it."