Original subtitles

(distant rumbling)

(water dripping) (metallic creaking)

(breath hissing)

(fluid dripping)

(splattering) (bubbling)

(rattling)

(dramatic music)

- [Narrator] Global warning is upon us,

the Earth is in crises.

It is a time in need of heroes,

especially in one particular, horrible place.

(slow sympathetic music) (sighing)

- Ah.

♪ There's a ♪ (coughing)

(audience laughing)

♪ There's a place between heaven and hell ♪

♪ Don't need no map, just follow the smell ♪

♪ A place filled with filthy air ♪

♪ A place full of dark despair ♪

♪ A place you have no prayer ♪

♪ A place called ♪

(audience snickering)

♪ New Jersey ♪ (dramatic music)

♪ New Jersey ♪

♪ New Jersey ♪

♪ The Garden State ♪

(lively music)

♪ There's an exit called the 13B ♪

♪ Right off the turnpike where it smells just like pee ♪

♪ An exit no one dares get off ♪

♪ An exit where the children cough ♪

♪ An exit called Tromaville ♪

(thunder crackling) ♪ Tromaville ♪

♪ If the pollution doesn't get you, the aroma will ♪

♪ Who will save New Jersey? ♪

♪ We're dying for some air ♪

♪ There's no hope in New Jersey, Lord ♪

♪ Does anybody care ♪

♪ Lord, does anybody care ♪

- Ladies and gentlemen,

the story we're about to tell you is so disturbing,

we have stationed a registered nurse outside in the lobby.

- She has doctor prescribed Valium to sedate

the easily terrified!

- She also has Prozac and ketamine she got off the internet.

- And for the love of God, do not turn off your cell phones!

- The next few hours are a part of your life

you're never getting back!

♪ There's no hope in New Jersey ♪

♪ We're hanging by a thread ♪

♪ We're choking in New Jersey ♪

♪ We might as well be dead ♪

♪ Lord, we need a favor ♪

♪ We need a soggy savior ♪

♪ But who, who, who ♪

♪ Who ♪

♪ I will save New Jersey ♪

♪ I'm Melvin Ferd III ♪

♪ Not him, Lord ♪

♪ I'm here for you, New Jersey ♪

♪ On that you have my word ♪

♪ There must be a solution ♪

♪ To end this damn pollution ♪

♪ It's time to start a global revolution ♪

♪ Sister, look at what has infested our town ♪

♪ What is that wretchedness ♪

♪ It's waste, toxic waste ♪

♪ The worst problem we ever faced ♪

♪ It's sick, God, its sick ♪

♪ Look what it did to my measuring stick ♪

- But where did it come from?

- Look there, across the Hudson River, what do you see?

- Manhattan.

- The beautiful, conceited people of Manhattan.

Happy to use New Jersey as their toxic dumping ground!

(energetic music)

♪ Now listen up Manhattan ♪

♪ We know you're stinking rich ♪

♪ Your bed sheets may be satin ♪

♪ But Jersey's not your bitch ♪

♪ Jersey's not your bitch ♪

- Bless you son!

(audience chuckling)

- And don't worry, Sister!

I won't let anything stop me!

(bullies laughing)

Oh, no, the town bullies!

(dramatic music) (groaning)

(hits thudding) (laughing)

Nuggie! (grunting)

(audience chuckling)

- [Both] Word!

(bullies laughing (audience chuckling)

(tender music)

♪ God I love New Jersey ♪

♪ It's such a state of mind ♪

♪ Why do I love Jersey ♪

♪ Probably 'cause I'm blind ♪

(audience chuckling)

- Hey, Sarah, it's me Melvin.

Down here! - Huh?

(grunting) (audience chuckling)

Oh, hi Melvin.

Hey have you noticed a new smell in town lately?

- It's giant vats of toxic, nuclear waste!

- Well that makes sense.

Yesterday I turned on my kitchen faucet and fire came out!

(audience chuckling)

Oh gosh.

♪ Won't someone save New Jersey ♪

♪ That's my greatest wish ♪

- Oh oh oh... (audience chuckling)

♪ I will save New Jersey ♪

♪ From mutant strains of fish ♪

(lively music) - What fish?

♪ In Tromaville ♪

♪ In Tromaville ♪

♪ If the pollution doesn't get you, the aroma will ♪

- Oh look, the first sun bird of spring!

(chirping)

(thumping) (audience laughing)

- So, there you have it.

There will be one brief intermission!

This show is 18 hours long!

♪ Help us win, New Jersey ♪

♪ And save us from this goo ♪

♪ Crap, I just got scurvy ♪

♪ Good God, what can we do ♪

♪ Damn it, we're New Jersey ♪

♪ We're drowning in the muck ♪

♪ Say a prayer for Jersey ♪

♪ Or else we're good and fucked ♪

♪ Good God, we're good and fucked ♪

♪ New Jersey ♪

♪ New Jersey ♪

♪ Who will save ♪

♪ Who will save ♪

♪ Jersey, the Garden State ♪

(audience cheering) (audience applauding)

(energetic music)

- 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26.

(audience snickering)

(clicking) (audience snickering)

(clicking)

- Hi Sarah!

Gosh you look awfully pretty today.

- Oh, Melvin you always say the nicest things to me!

- Well you're like the greatest person in Tromaville.

You're smart, and nice, and you spend your

whole day helping people as our town librarian!

And even though you have a handicap,

you don't want any special treatment from anyone!

- Excuse me!

I'm wondering if you can help me.

I'm looking for a book on folk singing.

(audience snickering) - No, sorry.

I'm blind.

Okay bye.

Melvin, Melvin I have a confession to make.

I don't want to spend the rest of my days

helping people in this library!

What I really want to do is write a book,

a meaningful and important book that you can

download on your iPhone!

Hey have you figured out how you're gonna

save New Jersey yet?

(audience chuckling) - Well, I had this

cockamamy idea! - Uh-hmm.

- See, I've been examining all those vats,

and there's the name of a corporation written on them.

And guess what it is?

The Good Earth.

- Oh no, not the Good Earth!

- Yes, they're assaulting our planet and

defaming a classic American Oprah-endorsed novel

all at the same time.

- Oprah. (audience snickering)

- If only I could get to the bottom of it all!

If only I could locate the official town records!

- Melvin, the official town records are here,

in the town library!

Oh but I promised the mayor that I

wouldn't show 'em to anyone.

- Oh, I understand.

- But, you're not just anyone are you?

- I'm not? - No!

You are the sweetest kindest man I ever met.

- Shut up!

(audience chuckling) Really?

- And Melvin, the records are in a box in the back,

and I didn't want anyone to ever look inside

so I labeled them important policy speeches

of Ivanka Trump! (audience chuckling)

- Sarah, I could just kiss you!

Please? - Uh...

(audience chuckling) Hey you know what I

just realized?

We've known each other a few months now,

and I don't even know what you look like (chuckles).

Could I um, well could I feel your face?

- Oh, gee, I don't think that's such a good idea!

- Melvin, don't tell me you suffer from low self esteem?

- No I'm just unattractive.

(audience chuckling) - Now silly everyone

is beautiful in their own way!

- But I'm not. - But you are!

- But I'm not. - But you are!

- But I'm not. - But you are!

- But I'm not--

(audience chuckling)

- Let's have a look...

That is so greasy...

(audience laughing)

Well, maybe you have a beautiful soul.

(audience chuckling)

- Uh, I should go and get the records.

(dramatic music)

- Hey! - Oh!

- We need a book! - Any book!

- Sorry, I'm blind!

Okay bye! - Hey!

You don't know who you're talking to do 'ya?

- He's Sluggo, I'm Bozo!

- And we're the stars of Tromaville High football team!

- For the last seven years!

(grunting)

- And coach says we gotta read a book now!

- Coach says our teachers are getting mad

'cause we're elastic!

- Illiterate!

- Yeah! - And you know what,

you're sort of pretty for a book lady!

(laughing) - Oh yeah!

(barking) - If you don't-don't, stop it!

You get out of-- - Sarah I found it!

Hey you get away from her or else!

- Or else (gibbers) what?

(audience chuckling) - Or, or else,

maybe I'll hit you or something, maybe.

- Melvin, violence is always wrong,

even though it's often entertaining.

- Oh yeah (giggles)? - Hey!

- Hey you leave her alone!

- And what's she to you, butt-face?

- Well, nothing. - Huh?

- She's nothing. - Huh?

- She's nothing. - Huh?

- Dammit I love her! (audience chuckling)

- I'm (mumbles), you, what...

(laughing)

- Come on, let's get out of here!

- Yep!

Love makes me nervous.

(audience chuckling)

- Oh Sarah, I didn't mean that!

- Uh, no, that's okay Melvin.

- You mean you feel the same about me?

- Oh no, I'm just uh, I'm just pretending like

I didn't hear it... (audience chuckling)

So what did you find in the the t--

Wha... (audience snickering)

What uh, what did you find in the (mumbles)...

So what did you find in the town files?

- Information so disturbing, it could topple

the powers that run our tiny metropolis.

- What, do you mean the mayor?

Oh Melvin are you saying you're gonna fight the mayor?

- Me?

Oh don't be ridiculous!

- Now don't tell me you're scared!

- Oh, in fact I'm intimidated by any person

in any position of authority!

- So you're just going to let the Good Earth turn

Tromaville into a, a cesspool of pollution and disease?

- I hate any form of conflict!

(smacking) Oh!

- Well then, someone has a dilemma, don't they?

One, two, three, four, five, six--

- Sarah did you really think I--

Do you really think I could-- - Melvin,

may I touch your body's most exciting organ?

- What...

(tender music)

- Hmm, I was right.

You do have a beautiful soul.

(mumbles), oh seven, seven, eight...

♪ I will save you Sarah ♪

♪ I'll clean the air for you ♪

♪ And if I save you Sarah ♪

♪ Perhaps you'll love me too ♪

(sympathetic music) (audience applauding)

♪ I'm the mayor of this crappy town ♪

♪ So let me tell you how it's gonna go down ♪

♪ Now I'm gonna star your toxic trash ♪

♪ And you will pay me boatloads of cash ♪

♪ Cash, cash ♪

♪ I'm just a Jersey girl ♪

♪ I'm gonna rule the world ♪

♪ I was born to run this state ♪

♪ She was born, she was born to run ♪

♪ She's got a lot of love in her ♪

♪ So I'm gonna be the governor ♪

♪ The on the take candidate ♪

♪ On the take, she's on the take ♪

♪ She's gonna be the next governor ♪

♪ To run this state you must shake it down ♪

♪ Tell us more ♪

♪ You lie or cheat or you sleep around ♪

♪ She's a whore ♪

♪ I do things the Jersey way ♪

♪ And there's only one thing to say ♪

♪ I'm just a Jersey gal ♪

♪ A feisty femme fatale ♪

♪ I'll be living on a prayer ♪

♪ She'll be living, living on a prayer ♪

♪ So watch me as I campaign ♪

♪ Through snow and sleet and acid rain ♪

♪ Can you feel the love in the Jersey air ♪

♪ Feel the love, feel the love in the air ♪

♪ She's just a Jersey dame ♪

(mumbling) ♪ Everybody's ♪

♪ High school flame ♪ - Haven't I seen you somewhere

around my campaign ♪ She was born to run ♪

- trail? ♪ this state ♪

♪ I was born, I was born to run ♪

♪ She's got a lot of love in her ♪

♪ There's an angel from above in her ♪

♪ Cause someday, I'm gonna be the governor ♪

♪ You know what to do boys ♪

You!

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I'm gonna be ♪ ♪ She's gonna be ♪

♪ A gorgeous, governor ♪

♪ Oh oh ♪

♪ Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh ♪

♪ Governor ♪

(audience applauding)

- Excuse me.

(audience snickering)

- Okay boys.

See you next week.

Who are you and how the hell did you get in here?

- Your secretary wasn't there.

- Dammit, never hire your mother.

- Madam Mayor, I am Melvin Ferd III,

an aspiring Earth Scientist and you must listen to me!

- Oh! - I know who owns the evil

Good Earth Corporation that's been polluting our town!

- What, who?

- You! - What?

- You own the Good Earth Corporation.

- I deny it.

- Oh yeah?

In my hand I have the official town records!

- What, but, I hid those records

in the town library, and I hired a blind librarian.

(audience chuckling)

- Madam Mayor, change your evil ways,

or I'll be forced to take these records

to the District Attorney!

(thumping) Oh!

- You wouldn't!

- Yesterday I wouldn't, but now,

the love of a woman has taught me to fight the power!

- Fuck!

(audience chuckling) All right, all right.

Let me think, think think...

All right, I got it.

(sultry music)

Melvin, there's really no need for you

to go do the DA handsome.

- There's not? - Nooo, 'cause...

♪ You're just a Jersey boy ♪

♪ Who I want to ♪

(gagging) (audience snickering)

♪ Employ ♪

- Employ?

♪ I'll make you my deputy ♪

♪ Deputy gonna be my deputy ♪

- Oh wow really?

♪ How 'bout a badge for my chest ♪

- Sure!

♪ Boy Sarah's gonna be impressed ♪

♪ Who is Sarah ♪ - She's the blind libr--

♪ Wait, I don't care ♪

♪ I don't care I don't care I don't care ♪

♪ Come back to tomorrow pop ♪

♪ Now let's get all this cleaning up ♪

♪ (mumbles) from this toxic nightmare ♪

♪ Gee I'm gonna be a ♪

♪ Deputy ♪ - Oh my god, thank you!

(tense music)

Sluggo! - Yeah, Auntie Mayor?

- His name is Melvin (dramatic music)

Ferd (dramatic music)

the third. (dramatic music)

♪ Spill his blood ♪

♪ Spill his guts ♪

♪ He found me out, that little putz ♪

♪ It's time for you to pray upon the weak ♪

♪ Make him scream ♪

(grunting) ♪ Make him beg ♪

♪ Well, good luck, break a leg ♪

♪ Get juiced and drug induced ♪

♪ And get the geek ♪ (laughing)

♪ Get the, get the geek ♪

♪ Get the, get the geek ♪

♪ All the scumbags I will nab ♪

♪ With my badass deputy badge ♪

♪ Melvin Ferd is on a winning streak ♪

- What?

♪ There's a hero coming your way ♪

♪ I'll get the girl and save the day ♪

♪ And I won't be some circus freak ♪

♪ Get the geek, get the geek ♪

♪ Not (mumbles) ♪

♪ Hello, hello geek ♪

- Uh-oh! (laughing)

♪ Goodbye ♪

♪ Goodbye geek ♪

- Listen fellas, I'm on a vital mission to save Tromaville!

♪ Get the, get the geek ♪

♪ Get ♪

♪ The ♪

♪ Geek ♪

(clanging)

- [Melvin] Hey, hey fellas, this stuff could kill me!

(laughing)

- We ain't gonna kill 'ya!

- No, we're just gonna dip in your nosey nose.

(chuckling) - What have I done?

- You've been boffing the mayor!

- [Melvin] Oh, I won't bop her again, I promise!

Please, please, just don't drop me!

- All right, the butt-face got the message.

- Should we let him go.

- Yeah, let him go (chuckles).

(Melvin screaming) (squishing)

(audience snickering)

By let him go, I meant, let him go free!

- Oh... (audience chuckling)

I hate it when phrases have two meanings!

(audience chuckling)

- You think he's all right?

- Butt-face?

Hey butt-face! - Come on,

let's get out of here.

(Sarah humming)

♪ New Jersey, such a state of mind ♪

- Wait a minute!

Lookee here! ♪ Why do I ♪

- Hey hey hey! - Who's there?

The two illiterates?

- That be right!

And we just took care of your boyfriend!

- Who? - The stupid guy.

- Who? - That ugly guy.

- Oh, Melvin... (audience snickering)

No no no you see I'm totally focused on thinking of

a brand new book idea, and then, I'm gonna send it to Oprah,

because if you want to get anywhere in the book industry

you have got to go through Oprah!

- Hey! - So I just uh--

(sinister music) - Listen blindy,

we taking you on a little date.

- Oh, sorry, I don't date cretins.

(audience snickering) - Nah, we're talking

'bout a date right here, right now!

- Hey, I need that!

(aggressive music) ♪ Get the, get the chick ♪

(laughing) - Help, help!

Help, the illiterates have me!

♪ Get the, get the chick ♪ (Sarah whimpering)

- No, no please! ♪ Get the, get the-- ♪

(thunderous roaring)

- What the hell was that? (audience laughing)

- I-I-I don't really know!

(thunderous roaring)

(dramatic music)

(audience applauding)

- Son of a bitch that hurt!

(perky resolute music)

- Who the hell are you?

- Who am I?

♪ All my life I've been a pacifist ♪

♪ But right now, you really got me pissed ♪

♪ That stuff didn't kill me, I don't know why ♪

♪ There's a new Melvin in town ♪

♪ And he's about to get on down ♪

♪ It's gonna hurt like hell, and you're gonna die ♪

♪ Maybe you better scram ♪

♪ Or I'll cut you up like a holiday ham ♪

♪ I'm gonna kick, kick, kick, kick, kick your ass ♪

♪ I'm gonna kick, kick, kick, kick, kick your ass ♪

♪ I'm gonna kick, kick, kick, kick, kick your ass ♪

♪ It's gonna be a blast to kick ♪

♪ your ass ♪ (grunting)

♪ Oh snap, let's go medieval on this freak ♪

(screaming martial arts cry)

(clunking) ♪ So you're here to try to ♪

♪ Do me some harm ♪

♪ While you try I'll just to rip off your arm ♪

♪ It's nothing personal, I hope you understand ♪

♪ Now, I don't mean to be mean ♪

♪ But I'm about to remove ♪

(screaming) ♪ your spleen ♪

♪ You got a problem with that, then talk to the hand ♪

♪ You better pray to Billy Graham ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm gonna show you who I am ♪

(audience chuckling)

Oh it's your fucking arm man!

- Help me please!

Help me off the stage, pull me, pull!

Pull, pull!

♪ So I kick, kick, kick, kick, kicked your ass ♪

(grunting)

♪ Rip, rip, rip, ripped off your arm ♪

♪ Had, had, had ♪

♪ Had me a blast ♪ (screaming)

♪ Oh man, oh man, hot damn ♪

♪ That was a monster jam ♪

♪ And that's who I am ♪

(clanking)

(screaming) (groaning)

(audience applauding)

(audience chuckling)

♪ And I kicked your ♪

♪ Ass ♪

(audience cheering) (audience applauding)

Sarah, hey,

Sarah, are you all right?

- (whimpers) Now who are you and how

do you know my name?

- Why it's me, Melvin!

(screaming)

Oh, what is going on?

Oh god, oh god...

(screaming)

All right!

(audience snickering)

- What is happening?

- Don't worry, those bullies will

never bother you again!

- What happened, you didn't hurt them did you?

(tense music) - No...

(poignant music)

(Melvin roaring)

(energetic music)

- Hoo! (audience snickering)

Wassa!

Good god in high heaven!

What kind of monster has done this!

(hissing) - This is Sal the cop,

Tromaville CSI, we got a DOA, I'm gonna need a ETD ASAP,

so order me a BLT!

We got us a nasty situation

♪ In Tromaville ♪

♪ In Tromaville ♪

♪ If the pollution doesn't get 'ya, the aroma will ♪

♪ Something bad's going down ♪

(hissing)

(audience chuckling) Okay, come on,

we gotta get this mess cleaned up!

- Okay! - Wait a minute!

- [FBI] What?

- Take a picture. (laughing)

- Got it! - I got another one, here!

Look, oh god he's got me, oh god (groans)!

- Oh, oh, I got one! - Okay hurry, quick!

(chuckling) Quick, go go go.

(grunting) Oh that is good,

that is good! (audience snickering)

Got it! - Nice!

(tender music)

(Sarah snoring) - Sarah, Sarah!

Are you all right?

Hello? (Sarah snoring)

(Melvin roaring)

- Where am I?

- You're at home!

- Oh, (mumbles), what is that pungent smell?

- I just came from the gym.

(audience snickering) - And remind me,

who you are again?

- No one, just a concerned citizen.

- Oh no wait, you're the man who saved me!

You're my uh, my hero!

(Melvin roaring)

Why did you make that

large sound? (audience chuckling)

- I'm not really sure.

I guess that's the noise I make when

I'm happy now!

Anyhoo, anyhoo, you're safe, I should leave

it's been a really weird evening.

- What, no no you haven't told me anything about you!

- Oh, I'm just, really, really, average.

- You are something else besides that!

- I am?

- Well, you're my hero! - Oh...

- May I ask a favor, average, hero?

- Oh anything, anything at all.

- May I uh, may I feel your face?

- Oh anything but that!

- But Melvin...

- What? - You remind me of

my friend Melvin, he too suffers from

tragic low self esteem.

- No no no I have acne.

- Oh it's okay to have acne on your face,

it's the people who have acne in their souls,

who, (grunts) are unattractive!

- Oh, you're so, you're so noble!

You're like Mother Theresa if only

she were blind and hot!

- You know, I get that a lot. (audience snickering)

- If you like, you can touch my chest.

- Well (sighs), I, um...

(audience snickering)

Um, oh well, hello daddy.

(audience chuckling)

- Anyway, I should get going,

if I'm home late my mother worries.

- Oh a big strapping man like you lives at

home with his mother?

Are you as wonderful as you seem?

(audience chuckling)

- Sarah there's something I've got to tell you!

- Yeah? - I'm...

Toxic. (audience chuckling)

- Toxic?

- Yes!

- Uh, well now, that is a funny name, is that French?

- Oui. (audience chuckling)

- Toxic, wow.

No wonder you were embarrassed to tell me.

Would you mind if I called you, Toxie?

(Toxie roaring) Toxie are you free for

brunch tomorrow, I'll make croissants,

that is French for bagels.

(audience chuckling) (Toxie roaring)

And Toxie, I think it's wonderful that you

didn't hurt those two boys,

I find resistance to violence so sexy!

(tender music)

- Then I will never hurt a soul.

- Really?

No man has ever promised me that before.

♪ Promise ♪

No...

♪ I promise ♪

- Oh... ♪ I promise ♪

♪ Sarah ♪

(mysterious music)

(audience snickering)

- Oh, my god!

(giggles) Oh my god oh my god!

Is this all a dream?

A delusion, a fantasy?

I, I don't know (grunts).

No.

(pleasant music)

♪ Today I met him ♪

♪ Can you hear the chimes ♪

(chimes ringing) (audience chuckling)

♪ And he comes from the country that ♪

♪ Invented eclairs and mimes ♪

(slobbering) (perky music)

♪ He's strong and sweet and lives with his mother ♪

♪ He saved my life so there is no other ♪

♪ He's such a man and man is he macho ♪

♪ He's spicy cool like a bowl of gaspacho ♪

♪ Someday he's gonna be my big, my big French boyfriend ♪

I have to call my best friends in the whole world!

♪ Hey Shiniqua I met his fly man ♪

♪ Shut up girlfriend gots to call Dianne ♪

♪ Oh my god now he sounds so foxy ♪

♪ Whats his name ♪ ♪ Well I call him Toxie ♪

♪ And Toxie's gonna be my big, my big French boyfriend ♪

♪ Her big French boyfriend ♪ ♪ My big French boyfriend ♪

♪ Her BF BF ♪

♪ He kinda smells ♪

♪ But that's okay ♪

♪ Ah ♪ ♪ He comes from France ♪

♪ And they live that way ♪

♪ La la ♪ ♪ He's real polite but I got ♪

♪ A hunch he's gonna jump my bones tomorrow at brunch ♪

♪ He's gonna jump her bones tomorrow at brunch ♪

♪ Come on and jump my bones tomorrow at brunch ♪

♪ Oh my god shut up, oh my god shut up, oh my god shut ♪

♪ Oh my god shut up ♪

♪ I love this guy ♪

♪ He sounds really hunky ♪

♪ His chest is huge ♪

♪ He's a love monkey ♪

♪ We'll say I do in Atlantic City ♪

♪ I bet our kids ♪

♪ Are gonna be pretty ♪

♪ I don't even mind the stench ♪

♪ He's French ♪

♪ He's a hero he's a savior he's a mench ♪

♪ I'm verklempt ♪

♪ I'll be his ever loving wench ♪

♪ He's my big French boyfriend ♪

♪ Her big French boyfriend ♪

♪ My big French boyfriend ♪

♪ Her BF BF ♪

♪ My aaahhh... ♪

(audience snickering)

Oh, (chuckles), (mumbles)...

♪ My big French boyfriend ♪ ♪ Boyfriend ♪

(audience applauding)

(relaxing music)

♪ She is a flower full of ♪

♪ Sweet perfume ♪

♪ She steals my breath away when she ♪

♪ Walks in the room ♪

♪ A woman like that is so hard to find ♪

(sighing) ♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Thank God she's blind ♪ (audience snickering)

♪ What would she do if she could see my face ♪

♪ Would she love it tender ♪

♪ Or spray it full of mace ♪

♪ I wish I could get my eyeball ♪

♪ Back in my eye ♪

♪ When your face looks decayed ♪

♪ It's hard to get laid ♪

♪ But she thinks I'm one, beautiful guy ♪

♪ I could give her this geranium ♪

♪ And pray she doesn't touch ♪

♪ My cranium ♪ (audience snickering)

♪ Love isn't loud at all, it's soft and kind ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh thank God she's blind ♪

♪ Oh, oh thank God ♪

♪ She's blind ♪

(audience applauding)

(dog barking)

- [Mom] Melvin, is that you Melvin?

- Uh, go back to sleep Ma!

- [Mom] You have any idea what time it is?

- Ma don't come in here!

- [Mom] I've been the whole night worrying,

all I ever do is worry about you!

- Ma, don't come in here don't!

- Melvin!

You're looking more and more like your father every day!

(audience laughing)

Now Melvin, what have you done to yourself now?

- It's not my fault Ma!

Some bullies threw me into a

vat of toxic goo, and now I'm a

- [Both] mutant with superhuman strength!

- Oh a mother's dream! - Oh I'm sorry!

- Could you at least put the left eyeball back

where it belongs?

- I tried, but

it wont' stay in! - But all I ever

asked for was a grandchild!

- All right, but this - So do you want me to fix

- isn't about you right now! - some breakfast or

are you just gonna eat the dog?

- Ma! (audience chuckling)

You gotta help me!

- That eyeball's gonna drive me crazy.

(audience snickering) Melvin!

(groaning)

There's only one thing a mother can say to

her son at a time like this.

- Hmm?

(peppy music) ♪ You're such a ♪

♪ Disappointment ♪

♪ You heard it hear first ♪

- This isn't helping, Ma!

♪ Of all the stunts you pulled ♪

♪ Son this is the worst ♪

- What are we gonna do Ma?

♪ I don't know, I'm still in shock ♪

♪ So call the doc ♪

♪ He might have a wonder drug ♪

♪ Oh, look at that ooze leaking onto your shoes ♪

♪ I'm gonna have to clean this rug ♪

♪ Such a disappointment, follow me ♪

♪ My wandering disappointment, come on ♪

So doctor, what do you think?

- This is the worst case of chicken pox I've ever seen!

(audience snickering) (doctor laughing)

- It's not chicken pox, he's a mutant freak!

- In that case, wow!

♪ He's a disappointment ♪

♪ The worst I've ever seen ♪

♪ He's a mutant freak ♪

♪ He's also very green ♪

- Yeah, I noticed.

♪ There ain't no pill, to fix his ill ♪

♪ My brain is in a twist ♪ (audience chuckling)

♪ The only cure for this kind of boy ♪

♪ Is to see a scientist ♪

♪ Also try this ointment ♪

♪ Oh oh oh ♪

♪ But what a disappointment ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Ooh brandy aged three years ♪

- I know the best scientific mind in Tromaville.

Some say he's a genius, some say he's mad!

- Oh! - All I know,

is he is a wonderful dancer!

(audience snickering) Yah.

♪ But, you're what a disappointment ♪

♪ Oh oh oh ♪

- So, what's your prognosis professor?

- Well after careful examination, I have to say...

♪ He's a disappointment ♪

♪ He's absolutely green ♪

♪ A big green freak ♪

♪ Never found happiness ♪ ♪ Oh happiness ♪

(screaming) ♪ His eyeball's ♪

on his cheek!

- Ooh ooh, gross!

♪ A mutant son, ain't no fun ♪

♪ You have my deep regret ♪

- He feels bad.

♪ As far as health, his pretty self ♪

♪ There's only one fatal threat ♪

♪ Fatal threat, fatal threat ♪

♪ Fatal threat ♪

- Common, household bleach!

(blubbering) It's the only thing

that can kill a mutant! - Oh!

- Oh! - Ah!

- Oh god!

♪ Still a disappointment ♪

(audience applauding)

(peppy music)

- I got it, the idea for my new book!

An inspirational memoir!

A hot noble blind girl, oh,

is saved by a large, mysterious, French man!

Of course she falls in love with him

because he's everything she ever dreamed of.

Soulful, and he's sensitive, and all muscle-ee,

and unlike any other man that she's ever dated

there is absolutely nothing disturbing or

freakish about him.

(audience snickering) - Uh, Sarah!

- Oh, Toxie, I thought that--

My, what is that smell?

- Newark. (audience snickering)

Sarah, I'm afraid I can only stay a little while.

I'm on a mission. - A mission?

- A mission to remove every vile vat of

toxic goo from Tromaville!

- Oh, you're so green, love that!

But, do you at least have a little time for brunch

before you go on your mission, I made a toast-a

(speaking foreign language).

(audience chuckling)

- What?

- Well it's, 'cause you're, it's French toast, (mumbles)...

No, back in a flash!

- Ah, I'm sure she won't mind if we take a little look.

Ah, a French guy.

(audience chuckling) I get it,

she must think this is me.

Okay, Oprah, so remember this 'cause it comes in later on.

(audience chuckling)

Come on, we've got to give it to the girl!

For someone that can't see, the detail on these

things is amazing! (audience chuckling)

I'll put it back.

(chuckling)

Oh wow, Sarah you look...

- Tea?

- Uh sure let me give you a hand.

- Uh, no it's okay... - It's all right.

Here you go. - Thank you.

Ow fuck. (audience chuckling)

(grunting)

- Oh!

Oh yeah, ah, ah, ah...

- You want sugar?

- Sure. - Yeah?

- Yeah. - Okay.

Uh-huh? - Yeah yeah, that's enough.

(cup ringing) (audience snickering)

- Cheers. - Cheers, ah...

(slurping)

Ah, that's some good tea.

- So Toxie, do you realize that this is

our first date together?

- Oh, Sarah, I've got something to tell you!

I've never been on a date before.

- Oh, Toxie are, are you a virgin?

- I am, are you?

- Well I... (audience snickering)

I have been with other men (chuckles).

- A lot of other men?

- Um, I have a (mumbles)...

Carry, carry the one... (audience snickering)

But, define a lot? - 10?

- Wow, yeah, a lot then (chuckles)!

(high pitched laughing)

Hey, you know what I want to ask you,

how about you tell me a joke!

I do so love a good joke!

- Oh I don't know any!

- Oh come on, everyone knows at least one joke!

- Not me! - Now don't even think

if it's funny or not!

- I really don't know any! - Just say it!

- No! - Just say it!

- No! - Just say it!

- No! - Just say it!

- How did Stevie Wonder burn his hand?

(audience snickering)

I am so, so sorry!

- No, now did he, try to read the waffle iron?

- Yes! - That happened to me once!

(relaxing music) (chuckling)

Look (chuckles)!

- Oh Sarah!

♪ I always dreamed I'd find someone ♪

♪ But that was just some fantasy ♪

♪ I'd meet a girl and she'd up and run ♪

♪ Love wanted no part of me ♪

♪ Then I met you ♪

♪ Beautiful you ♪ - Me?

♪ A true scientific breakthrough ♪

♪ Look deep inside ♪

♪ I have nothing to hide ♪

♪ You'll see the real me ♪

♪ I'm yours honestly ♪

♪ You make me combust ♪

♪ With chemical lust ♪

♪ I'm just so scared of ♪ - Wow, that is...

♪ Our hot toxic, hot toxic love ♪

(Sarah sighing)

♪ I spent my life in the dark ♪

♪ Stuck in a long ♪

- Oh oh oh oh Sarah! ♪ Lonely night ♪

- There you go. ♪ You came along ♪

♪ And lit a spark ♪

♪ Now, finally ♪

- No, no, no, no no no! ♪ I see the light ♪

♪ All 'cause of you ♪

♪ Beautiful you ♪

♪ A man who's too good to be true ♪

(audience chuckling) - Whoa!

♪ I see deep inside ♪

♪ You have nothing to hide ♪

♪ I know who you are ♪

♪ You're my shining star ♪

♪ You, you make my heart beat ♪

♪ With nuclear heat ♪

♪ Now, don't be scared of ♪

♪ My hot toxic ♪

♪ Hot toxic love ♪

♪ When you think of it ♪

♪ We're a perfect fit ♪

♪ Were both a little offbeat ♪

♪ I'm what you'd call blind ♪

♪ I'm more Frankenstein ♪

♪ Yet, somehow you make me complete ♪

♪ Look deep inside ♪

♪ I have nothing to hide ♪

♪ You'll see the real me ♪

♪ I'm yours ♪

♪ Honestly ♪ - No Sarah, Sarah, over here!

♪ You make me combust ♪ (audience chuckling)

- Ow! ♪ With chemical lust ♪

♪ Now don't be scared of ♪

♪ My hot toxic ♪

♪ Hot toxic ♪

♪ Look deep inside ♪

♪ I have nothing to hide ♪

♪ You'll see the real me ♪

♪ I'm yours honestly ♪

♪ You make me combust ♪

♪ With chemical lust ♪

♪ Now, don't be scared of ♪

♪ My hot toxic ♪

♪ Hot toxic love ♪

♪ My hot toxic ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ My hot toxic ♪

♪ Ooh-Ooh-Ooh-Ooh-Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Love ♪

(audience applauding)

- Oh Sarah I'm sorry I can't kiss you!

(ship's horn blowing)

Oh, Sarah I have to leave!

I fear the next shipment is coming in.

- Oh? (audience chuckling)

Toxie, what shipment?

T-Toxie, what, why you have (mumbles)...

Motherfucker!

(ship's horn blowing)

- All right Chief, how's it going?

You almost done unloading that toxic waste?

- I can assure you Madam Mayor,

everything's fine, everything's fine (chuckles).

- Good. (screaming)

(audience laughing)

- What kind of fiend, has done this?

Gee pet-pet, my brother!

In the name of our ancestors, I will avenge his death!

And blood, will spill upon the Earth,

with the red stench of e-- (Toxie roaring)

Adios!

Oh god! - What the hell is that?

- It's the monster you idiot!

Shoot to kill!

- No, no no no no!

(gun firing) (Mayor laughing)

(Toxie roaring)

- Okay, problem!

Bullet proof!

I'll see you later!

(screaming) (crying)

- All right Chewbacca,

who are you and what the hell do you want?

- You mean you don't recognize me?

Why I'm Melvin Ferd III.

- You, you're that scrawny kid?

- Your goons threw me into a vat of toxic goo,

and this is what I came out like!

- Ech!

- I should destroy you right now!

But no, not until I've exposed the evil you've done!

- Oh, all right, make me out to look like the bad guy here!

Don't think I don't know what you're up to!

Uh, killing polluters, acting outside the law,

you're trying to become a folk hero!

(audience chuckling) (perky folk music)

(audience tittering)

(audience clapping)

♪ Let me tell you a story about ♪

♪ A man with a strange complexion ♪

♪ He killed a lot of folks and he made a love connection ♪

♪ By day, he had a girl who baked him homemade breads ♪

- Oh, oh god (mumbles)... ♪ By night he ♪

♪ Roamed the streets and he ripped off people's heads ♪

♪ This is the legend ♪

♪ He's the legend ♪

♪ The legend of the Toxic Avenger ♪

♪ At first, the folks were sure he'd kill them all one day ♪

- He'll kill us all!

♪ But then their crime went down and the freak seemed okay ♪

- Oh I like him now (giggles).

♪ He proved more popular than Prince William and Kate ♪

♪ He put the garden back, in the Garden State ♪

♪ This is the legend ♪

♪ He's the legend, the legend of the Toxic Avenger ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ He cleaned up Tromaville by sealing all the vats ♪

♪ He won the children's love by saving all their cats ♪

- Oh I love you Toxie, yeah, ah!

♪ Toxie's a hero now, bigger than Superman ♪

♪ Let him lay some whip-ass on ♪

♪ Let him lay some whip-ass on ♪

♪ The man could really lay some whip-ass on ♪

♪ All the town's bad ♪

♪ And so the cops got scared ♪

♪ Some of them soiled their britches ♪

♪ The rest just ran away like freaked out little bitches ♪

♪ Now the mayor stands alone ♪

♪ It's her against the goon ♪

♪ She knows the time has come, soon gonna be high noon ♪

(spring reverberating) (audience snickering)

♪ Oh, he's the legend ♪ - What is this?

♪ I'm the legend ♪

♪ The legend of the Toxic Avenger ♪

(audience clapping)

♪ Oh he's the legend ♪

♪ He's the legend ♪

♪ Oh he's the legend ♪

♪ Hot dang, the legend ♪

♪ Go tell your children about the legend ♪

♪ You tell your children's children ♪

♪ You tell your children's children's children ♪

♪ Have your children's tell their friends ♪

♪ And their friends tell other friends ♪

♪ Make some calls, write some letters ♪

♪ Go on Facebook, tweet on Twitter ♪

♪ Go on LinkedIn, don't do MySpace, no on goes there ♪

♪ Na na na na, na na na na, ♪

♪ Na na na na na na oh oh ♪

♪ Clap with me, clap with me, clap with me ♪

♪ Take it, clap with me, clap with me ♪

(audience clapping)

(screeching harmonica music)

- Just fucking finish it!

Fucking over-acting! (audience laughing)

(audience tittering) (audience applauding)

- Fucking over-acting.

(audience snickering)

The legend of the Toxic Avenger!

(dramatic music)

(audience cheering) (audience applauding)

(eerie bubbling)

(whistling)

- Oh! (audience chuckling)

- Hello Kennith!

- Dammit, what are you doing in my basement, woman?

Didn't you hear of knocking?

Ah!

- Not long ago you used to love it when I come

into your room without knocking.

Finding you asleep, having my way!

- Dammit that's true!

But it's the same story every time!

You seduce me, then you make me use science for evil!

- Kennith, the monster who's been terrorizing our town--

- He's no monster, the people love him!

He's got higher poll numbers than you!

- No matter, I will soon capture him!

- How, woman?

No one knows where he's hiding!

- I'll find out!

I know his mother.

But first, tell me has he been in to see you, big boy?

- No, no, no!

- Oh really?

Than what's this?

(dramatic music)

- Foiled by my own laundry!

- I have to destroy him, tell me how!

- No woman! - Tell me Kennith!

- Dammit I said no!

- Oh yeah?

(dramatic music)

♪ These two breasts can be yours ♪

♪ You can't buy them in stores ♪

♪ Go ahead take a bite ♪

♪ Just tell me, what's his kryptonite ♪

♪ I wont stand here and squeal ♪

♪ Though I would like a feel ♪

♪ Oh my brain's in a knot ♪

♪ Why is evil so hot ♪

♪ Evil is hot ♪

♪ Evil is hot ♪

♪ Don't tell me that it's not ♪

♪ 'Cause evil is hot ♪

♪ I am woman ♪

♪ And I am man ♪

♪ I am straight ♪

♪ And I am too except for that one time in college ♪

♪ So let's do the dance of the doomed ♪

♪ And get tanked up ♪

♪ On shrooms ♪

♪ Evil is hot ♪

♪ Evil is hot ♪

♪ Together we'll find that spot ♪

♪ Where evil is hot ♪

(moaning) (hypnotic music)

(groaning) (audience clapping)

- Bleach!

- What?

- Throw bleach on him, oh jeez...

He'll melt faster than the wicked witch of the west.

(Mayor laughing)

- That's all?

Common household bleach?

- I've said it, now go!

Go do your evil, damn it!

♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha ha hot ♪

♪ Ho ho ho ho hot ♪

♪ What the hell has evil got ♪

♪ That makes it so hot ♪

♪ Damn it, it's hot ♪

♪ So freaking hot ♪

♪ Tonight we'll hit the jackpot ♪

♪ Where evil is hot ♪

♪ It's hot ♪

♪ It's hot ♪

♪ Evil is hot! ♪

(audience applauding)

(perky percussion music)

(goofy chuckling)

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, (grunts), ow ♪

♪ Uh, hey, uh ooh ♪

♪ Who will save New Jersey ♪

♪ Who will save New Jersey ♪

♪ It's a lot of hearsay ♪

♪ New Jersey ♪

Hello boys (giggling)

♪ New Jersey ♪

Ha!

♪ Ha, Jersey ♪

♪ The Garden State ♪

♪ Garden State ♪

♪ Garden State ♪

(mumbling)

Wait!

Oh... (audience tittering)

Oh oh!

Hello poppy!

I seen you on Grindr! (audience chuckling)

Yes, you are looking for a power bottom, hmm?

That's me!

What's your name?

- Adrian. - Adrian...

Ooh it's like that film Rocky, you see, Adrian!

Oh, me I'm Lorenzo.

- Kiss the ring. - Of course you

kiss my ring, you're a good boy!

(audience snickering) Adrian, you remember

the name Lorenzo, you gonna be screaming it later!

(audience laughing)

Okay boys, I'm ready now!

(perky music)

(audience cheering) (audience applauding)

- Ah, you have children, you think they're

gonna bring you joy!

- Oh I know, I know.

- It's all pain, it's all heartache.

- Oh I know, I know...

- He was Ceasarean, trouble from day one.

- Senora Ferd, oh Senora Ferd!

- What is it Lorenzo?

- The mayor, she coming,

the mayor she coming!

- What, no.

- Jes! - No.

- Jes, and she say, she coming for you!

- What?

No! - Jes!

- No! - Jes!

- No! - Jes!

- You don't understand, we have history!

Bad history, her and I in the same room together!

It's impossible!

- Aww... - Santa Maria, no no no!

- Lorenzo, (mumbles) you must stop her!

- Oh no no no no no, we can't we can't we can't!

- Oh no I can't see her there's no way, no way!

Whoo, I'm going out the back door!

- Oh no, no! - Oh...

- [Lorenzo] That's the supply room!

- Santa Maria...

(audience tittering) - Oh, no, oh, no...

Oh hold it hold it hold it!

(humming) Ah!

Beautiful, you're so talented! - So are you (mumbling)...

- Oh my god, quick act natural!

- Oh, okay, I got (mumbles). - Act naturally!

(audience chuckling)

(audience cheering) (audience applauding)

- All right, I know she's here some where!

- Oh, Santa Maria!

- Fess up, where is she?

- Oh she not here-a! - Oh we no know!

- Oh she not here-a! - We no know!

- Listen you two people of indeterminate accents,

I saw her come into your little beauty shop.

But trust me, no amount of beauty treatment

can make that dame look good!

Oh snap score!

(sneezing)

- Bless you! - The supply room!

- Oh, oh!

Oh, Santa Maria!

- Naah! - Oh oh oh oh!

- No...

- Lorenzo, Lemiss, run run!

It's finally time her and I talked woman to woman,

and it ain't gonna be easy!

- Oh clippy come on let's go! (energetic music)

- Okay we going now bye!

- Peppy run with me please! - Oh!

- Eunice, come out where I can see you!

Sure I used my feminine ways to seduce,

bed, and destroy your husband,

but that's in the past!

The one I need to destroy now is your son!

Tell me where he is!

- I... (slapping)

- You will! - I, I won't!

(screaming) - You will!

Fuck me! - What?

- Nothing!

♪ I hated you in grammar school ♪

♪ I hated you in high school ♪

♪ And if we went to college, I'd hate you there too ♪

♪ You're a bitch, you're a slut ♪

♪ You're a liar, you're a whore ♪

♪ Did I leave something out ♪

♪ Let me think some more ♪

♪ You're a tart, you're a tramp ♪

♪ You're as cheap as Demi Moore ♪

♪ Guess who won this round ♪

♪ Snap, snap, score ♪

♪ Bitch, slut, liar, whore ♪

♪ Your sonny boy will soon go bust ♪

♪ Your sonny boy will eat my dust ♪

♪ You better tell me where he's at ♪

♪ And what's more ♪

♪ You're a bitch, you're a slut ♪

♪ You're a liar, you're a whore ♪

♪ You're a petrified, fossilized old dinosaur ♪

♪ And when you're not hair dyed, you (mumbles) ♪

♪ Guess who won this round ♪

♪ Snap, snap, snap, (gibbers) score ♪

Ah ha, so, he's been hiding in here!

(Eunice screaming)

- [Eunice] You stay away from my Melvin!

For the first time he's successful,

yet he's in love, even if it is in love

with a blind librarian!

- [Mayor] A blind librarian?

So, he's been hiding out with her!

(Eunice screaming) - You stay away from him!

- I will find him! - No!

- [Mayor] And I will destroy him, and until I do,

Tromaville is under martial law!

- [Eunice] Martial law?

You're a fascist!

Well, you know what you are!

♪ You're a bitch, you're a slut ♪

♪ You're a liar, you're a whore ♪

♪ You bitch, you slut ♪

♪ You liar, you whore ♪

♪ Bitch bitch ♪

♪ Slut slut ♪

♪ Liar liar ♪

♪ Whore whore ♪

♪ Bitch bitch, slut slut ♪

♪ Liar liar, whore ♪

♪ Bitch bitch, slut slut ♪

♪ Liar liar liar liar ♪

♪ Whore, whore, whore ♪

♪ Whore, whore, whore, whore, whore ♪

♪ Whore, whore, whore ♪

♪ You whore ♪

(audience cheering) (audience applauding)

(perky music)

- [Narrator] So as the Mayor begins her cruel, toxic hunt,

deep in the heart of Tromaville,

one frustrated young woman dares to dream the dream

of the impossible.

(tender music)

- (mumbles) ever after. (audience tittering)

Here it is, after five hellish days of writing,

I finally finished my book!

And as luck would have it,

it is wonderful, so move over J. K. Rowling!

Ooh, get out of my way John Gresham!

Go screw yourself whoever wrote the Diary of Anne Frank!

(audience chuckling)

'Cause there's only one person I need

to make my dreams come true.

(tender music)

♪ Some people say that you're divine ♪

♪ So won't you answer this prayer of mine ♪

♪ I'll vow my devotion unto thee ♪

♪ If you'll just put me on the TV-E ♪

♪ I'll go on one of your cable shows ♪

♪ Though what channel, nobody knows ♪

♪ Or be in your O, magazine ♪

♪ I'll be the hottest writer they've ever seen ♪

♪ The fricken hottest writer they've ever seen ♪

♪ Choose me, Oprah ♪

♪ Use me, Oprah ♪

♪ Make me a person people adore ♪

♪ Hug me, Oprah ♪

♪ Plug me, Oprah ♪

♪ I'll be your book selling whore ♪

Time for a fantasy dream sequence!

♪ Oh, oh, oh-oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh oh, oh, oh oh Oprah ♪

♪ Oh oh, oh oh oh ♪ - Shiniquah, Dianne!

♪ Oh oh oh, oh oh oh Oprah ♪

♪ I wrote a memoir of inspiration ♪

♪ It tells the truth with fabrication ♪

♪ My book will sell like Winnie the Pooh ♪

♪ I can even write Maya Angelou ♪

♪ Angelou! ♪

♪ I told the tale of a woman in charge ♪

♪ It ain't too long and the words ain't large ♪

♪ It's so much better than your usual crap ♪

♪ And I got a marketable handicap ♪

♪ She's got a marketable handicap ♪

♪ Pick me, Oprah ♪

♪ Lick me, Oprah ♪

♪ We can sell books from here to Guam ♪

♪ Shill me, Oprah ♪

♪ Dr. Phil me, Oprah ♪

♪ Let's kick butt on Amazon.com ♪

♪ Do me, Oprah, do me, Oprah ♪

♪ Show the world how much you care ♪

♪ Spank me, Oprah, you'll thank me, Oprah ♪

♪ I wanna be a ga-billionaire ♪

(frenetic music)

♪ I said, Oprah ♪ ♪ Selling more and more ♪

♪ I said, Oprah ♪ ♪ I'll be your ♪

♪ Book selling whore ♪

♪ I said, Oprah ♪ ♪ Better than your usual crap ♪

♪ I said, Oprah ♪ ♪ Marketable handicap ♪

♪ I said, Oprah ♪ ♪ Show the world you care ♪

♪ I said, Oprah ♪ ♪ Make me a ga-billion ♪

♪ Ga-zillion, ga-trillionaire ♪

♪ I said, Oprah ♪ - Go get 'em girl!

♪ I said, Oprah ♪

♪ I said, Oprah ♪ - Everybody gets a car!

♪ I said, Oprah ♪ - You don't get a car!

♪ O-Oprah ♪

(audience cheering) (audience applauding)

♪ Whoo ♪

♪ Whoo ♪

♪ Whoo, whoops, whoops, dang ♪

(Sarah chuckling)

- [Toxie] Sarah I'm done in the shower!

- Oh! (Toxie sighing)

- (chuckles) Wow, are we going out tonight?

- Well uh, actually I thought we could just uh,

you know, stay in, and uh, uh, (yawns)...

- Sarah, you know I can't get physical with you!

- Get physical?

You won't even let me feel your face!

- I'm just not ready! - But it's been three weeks!

(audience snickering)

And I just finished my thinly disguised

memoir of our relationship!

Don't you find me attractive?

- You know I do! - Well then what is it?

(mumbling)

- It's my... - What?

(groaning)

Oh my gosh are you gay? (audience chuckling)

Of course, you know, if you are,

that is, that is totally fine!

We can just be best friends and,

and watch (mumbles) together (weeps).

- Sarah, there is nothing I want more

than to share my body with you but,

(sneezing) but, but...

- Blah blah blah look!

I'm gonna make lunch.

- [Mayor] Citizens of Tromaville, this is your mayor dammit!

We are now under martial law, and you are

hereby ordered to bring all of your

bleach down to city hall!

- Bleach? - This is a civic emergency!

- Oh god! - I repeat,

bring down you fucking bleach!

- That was a strange announcement.

(audience chuckling) - Sarah, I have to

leave right away! - No, but I made French fries!

- Oh!

No, I have to leave Tromaville, maybe forever!

- What, Toxie what's wrong?

- Oh I can't say. - Well then I'm

going with you! - You can't!

- I can! - You can't!

- I can! - It's too dangerous!

- I don't understand! - You're too beautiful!

- Oh, yeah okay.

(audience chuckling)

- Oh, I have to leave right now!

(siren wailing) - No, no Toxie wait!

The least you could do is give me a kiss!

Our first and last kiss together!

- I'm sorry!

- What, Toxie...

(rattling)

- [Sal] Door kick, bam!

- Woo, whoa! - Na-na-na na-na-na!

Sal the cop!

- What? (grunting)

- Fighting crime and he's gonna catch the bad guy!

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

- For fuck's sake.

All right, I know he's here somewhere!

- I-I'm sorry, who's there?

- Mayor Belgoody, thanks for your vote.

And we're looking for someone, someone dangerous.

Sal the cop? - Huh?

- Find the killer! (Sal snorting)

(audience snickering)

- No, hang on, there's a killer?

- That's right.

So tell me, has the sicko been to visit you lately?

- No, just my friend, Toxie, and he is not a killer!

- Oh, how naive are the handicapped.

- Oh you can say that... - The freak was seen

going into your house! - Toxie is no freak!

- Oh really, so tell me have you felt his face?

- Oh... - Oh.

- He's a little sensitive... - He's a little

sensitive... - Kitchen door kick, bam!

- No don't kick the door! (audience tittering)

- No sign of the killer freak in there!

- All right sister, you're off the hook, this time!

But rest assured, I will find and I will destroy the mutant!

- Yeah, okay, okay...

- Oh yeah, Sal the cop?

- Huh?

- Shoot something!

(Sal giggling) - No please don't, please!

(gun firing)

(audience chuckling)

(audience applauding)

Mutant?

No!

- Mutant, yes.

- Toxie, I thought you left?

- No, I just hid in the kitchen and pretended to be

a large ugly plant, Sarah listen we haven't got much time!

(audience chuckling) - Toxie tell me you're not

some freakish mutant killer!

- Uh, I have killed people.

- Oh... - But only evil doers,

who are polluting our planet!

And as for the mutant part, I am, well, different.

Oh but if I weren't I would ask you to marry me!

- Oh, Toxie, don't you know,

no difference of yours could ever change

the way I feel about you!

- Hey.

Hey!

Sarah, would you like t..

Would you like to feel my face?

- Really?

- Only if you promise, no judgments!

- My darling Toxie, I promise!

(tender music)

No judgements ever.

♪ You make me combust ♪

♪ With chemical lust ♪

♪ Now don't be scared of ♪

♪ My hot toxic ♪

♪ Hot toxic ♪

- Ha...

- Uh, uh, uh, ah, ah...

- What is that right below your cheek?

- That would be me left eyeball!

- Oh, ooh, and this?

- I'm not really sure, just an oozing sort of something.

- Oh my gosh!

- Sarah, I was thrown into a vat of toxic goo

by the town bullies!

- Okay. - It was right before

they tried to attack you! - Right!

- And I'm not really Toxie!

I'm Melvin Ferd III!

- You are...

Melvin? - Me, Melvin, yeah.

- Oh. - Look, I know I should have

told you sooner but...

Oh Sarah, feel my heart!

It's a human heart and it loves you more

than any human heart has ever loved anyone.

- You know what?

You know what, maybe we should consider

spending some time apart.

- Are you breaking up with me?

- Well I'm just saying we should, you know,

take things slow and-- (Toxie roaring)

Oh, no I'm sorry Toxie!

Or Melvin, or whoever you are!

I can't!

I just can't.

(dramatic music)

♪ Didn't you make a promise ♪

♪ To love me as I am ♪

♪ And didn't you make a promise ♪

♪ You wouldn't give a damn ♪

- Yo, you dirty monster!

What? (Toxie roaring)

Gotta go!

♪ I also made a promise ♪

♪ To never hurt a fly ♪

♪ But since you broke your promise ♪

♪ It's time that I broke mine ♪

(bird chirping) (sweet music)

(dramatic music) (grunting)

(sniffing)

- Oh, hello there dear!

You must be that nice monster

I've heard so much talk about!

My name is Edna Ferbert.

Hey, I was wondering, would you mind

helping me sort my recyclables?

The recycling plant is just (sniffing)

so far away you see, I find these silos

of toxic goo, much more convenient!

(giggling) Whoo!

Well what have we got...

(dramatic music) (screaming)

(audience snickering) - Oh Janet, what shall we do

for our one month anniversary?

- Oh Brad, why don't we go see a musical?

A musical based on a movie that

most people watched when they were stoned.

(giggling) (audience chuckling)

Brad? - Janet!

- Brad!

- Janet! - Dammit!

- Janet! - Dammit!

- Janet...

- No no no no no no no no no no no no!

(grunting)

- Oh what have I done?

Leave!

I said leave! - Oh my god!

(dramatic music)

(poignant music)

♪ You tore my heart out ♪

♪ My human heart out ♪

♪ You ripped it from the bone ♪

♪ You left a hole there ♪

♪ A burning hole there ♪

♪ An ache I've never known ♪

♪ I've torn some arms off ♪ (audience chuckling)

♪ I've torn some heads off ♪

♪ I've behaved quite violently ♪

♪ But that despair now ♪

♪ Cannot compare now ♪

♪ To what you've done to me ♪

♪ You, you ♪

♪ Tore my heart out ♪

♪ I thought you could see ♪

♪ The simple person in me ♪

♪ I thought you saw my truth within ♪

♪ It's me against the world ♪

♪ And it looks like the world is gonna win ♪

♪ And so I end here ♪

♪ As I began here ♪

♪ A soul who's hard to love ♪

♪ It's kind of funny ♪

♪ But for a moment ♪

♪ I was the man who you dreamed of ♪

♪ Now that dream has died ♪

♪ So how can I stay ♪

♪ I guess I'll have to save the world ♪

♪ Some other way ♪

♪ I wish you well now ♪

♪ I understand now ♪

♪ You did what you had to ♪

♪ You tore my heart out ♪

♪ My human heart out ♪

♪ And that's the worst thing you could do ♪

♪ And that's the worst thing ♪

♪ You could do ♪

(audience applauding) (audience cheering)

(tender music)

(weeping)

(audience tittering)

♪ He tore her heart out ♪

- Yeah he did. - That son of a bitch!

♪ Tore her heart out ♪

♪ And now she wants to die ♪

No more... - Mmm hmm mm...

- I knew he wasn't French!

I knew it, you know just the way you described him,

all big and burly (whinnies)!

- Eh, uh-uh.

- What?

Don't you go looking at me with those

Judge Judy eyes, Dianne, uh-hmm...

Go back to your lesbionic folk singing,

because I know, what I know! (audience chuckling)

And I don't care if he got super-strength,

when I see him, he gonna get a whuppin!

Telling you he's a freak!

Mmm child, we all got issues!

You know, I dated this Puerto Rican from Dominica once,

six toes on each foot!

We all got issues! (audience snickering)

Oh you want another

frap-a-mocha-pumpkin-chino?

Oh you're good. (Sarah weeping)

- Oh, um, excuse me!

Um, I'm Eunice Ferd, mother of Melvin Ferd?

Who I wanted to be a lawyer, but now he's a mutant freak?

You're the blind librarian my son's in love with aren't you?

- Uh, how did you find me?

- I got a call from your friend, Shinandadoa.

- Shiniqua! (audience snickering)

- Sweetheart, you have got to stop crying and man-up!

My son, he's on a rampage!

He killed a senior citizen!

- Who? - What?

- Senior citizen?

Was she almost dead anyway, hmm?

(audience chuckling) - No!

- Poor child! - Then it's all

because of me!

- And that's what I feared, and you're the

only one who can stop him!

- No, no I can't, I felt his face, and then

he told me that I-- - Honey, his father's face

wasn't much different and he wasn't even a mutant!

- Hmm, I hear that!

- Been there, been there!

(audience chuckling)

- But how can I love a man like Melvin?

- Oh my dear!

If blind people don't love ugly people, then who will?

(audience snickering)

(perky music) - What?

- Oh, here!

♪ It's a burden every woman shares ♪

♪ As she travels down life's road ♪

♪ She dreams of meeting a handsome prince ♪

♪ But all she meets are toads ♪

♪ They're all toads ♪

♪ It's been true since the dawn of time ♪

♪ From the Romans to the Greeks ♪

♪ Honey, face it, all men are freaks ♪

(audience chuckling) Come on!

♪ Sister, face it, all men are freaks ♪

♪ I've had my share of men before ♪

♪ Yeah I've been in many beds ♪

♪ Yours ♪ ♪ Hoo-hoo ♪

♪ I've felt their lumpy bodies girl ♪

♪ And I've rubbed all their bald heads ♪

♪ Me too ♪ ♪ They have things hanging ♪

♪ Off of them ♪

♪ They have hair on all their cheeks ♪

♪ Honey, grow up, all men are freaks ♪

- Let's go find some.

♪ Find kindness in your female heart ♪

♪ No need to act superior ♪

♪ Men need a lot of therapy ♪

♪ Because they were born inferior ♪

♪ Inferior ♪ ♪ So spread a little charity ♪

♪ For every Tom and Dick and Kenny ♪

♪ Somehow overlook the faults ♪

♪ Of which they all have many ♪

♪ It's a burden every woman shares ♪

♪ Be she mother, wife, or friend ♪

♪ Mother, wife or friend ♪

♪ The man she loves is no big prize ♪

♪ But still she must pretend ♪

♪ She must feed his ego every day ♪

♪ And hear the babble he speaks ♪

- Jibber-jabbar! ♪ Sisters, let's face it ♪

♪ All men are freaks ♪

♪ (mumbles) aching ass ♪

♪ Oh, gotta love your freak ♪

♪ I love my freaky freak ♪

♪ Oh, go find your freak ♪

♪ I would if I could only see ♪

♪ Ooo, ooo we'll go find your freak ♪

♪ Go find my find my freak ♪

♪ Oh, gonna save my ♪

♪ Oh, gotta save my ♪

♪ Oh, my beautiful ♪

♪ Freak ♪

(audience cheering) (audience applauding)

- Okay... (tense music)

- [Narrator] And so, as the terrified

- Fuck! - public hides from the

- Oh, oh yeah! - rampaging monster, and

as the actors make a difficult costume change,

we focus on our mayor, who stands on her perch,

and gazes over all of you,

her simple-minded pathetic minions!

And then she lets out a laugh.

(laughing)

But it is a silent laugh

(audience chuckling) that no one else can hear.

And then, calling upon the two people

she loves most in the world,

Theresa May and Donald Trump, she reckons for blood!

- All right, listen to me all of you Tromovillians,

Tromofilites, Tromaviolins, oh fuck it.

People who live in Tromaville!

(shouting) - And we're

- We're a mob! - generic mob voices!

(grunting) (audience chuckling)

- Our worst nightmare has come true!

- Oh my god, we're getting another Starbucks!

(groaning) - No!

The monster is on a rampage,

he killed a senior citizen!

- Not a senior citizen!

- Was she almost dead anyway?

- You, no, so, citizens of Tromaville,

(patriotic music) we must form a lynch mob!

- Lynch mob! - Yay!

- A frenzied, blood thirsty lynch mob

that doesn't care about stupid things like laws!

- [Mob] No stupid laws, yay!

- A lynch mob hopped up on moral righteousness,

and malt liquor!

- Moral righteousness! - Malt liquor!

- [Mob] Yay!

♪ Hunt him down like a squirrel ♪

♪ Be a man not a girl ♪

♪ There'll be blood, there'll be pain ♪

♪ This is war ♪

(grunting) ♪ We haven't seen such ♪

♪ A magilla since Mothra met Godzilla ♪

♪ He's as green and crazy as a (mumbles) ♪

♪ Wake the town, go door to door ♪

♪ Get your neighbors out of bed ♪

(mumbling) ♪ They'll be pissed ♪

♪ But persist, don't stop till the monster's dead ♪

(mumbling) ♪ Till the monster is dead ♪

♪ We have the girlfriend set ♪

♪ Won't stop till the monster's dead ♪

(grunting)

♪ We'll thrust him down on the ground and we'll pound ♪

♪ And we'll pound, yes we'll go all the way ♪

♪ Sounded gay ♪ ♪ But I'm not ♪

♪ What the heck, we're as nutty as Glen Beck ♪

♪ And members of the NRA ♪ - Go USA!

♪ Text you wife, you'll be home late ♪

♪ Oh I can't forget the bread ♪

♪ No, you're a man who's got a date ♪

♪ To kill that monster dead ♪

♪ Dead ♪

(poignant music)

(audience chuckling)

♪ Finally it's him or me ♪

♪ Glory calls my name ♪

(gun firing) ♪ Could this be my destiny ♪

♪ To be God's favorite dame ♪

♪ It's a game for all the ages ♪

♪ Hear the angels softly weep ♪

♪ I got a mob to do the job ♪

♪ And in Jersey life is cheap ♪

♪ Get your pitchfork and hoes ♪

♪ No, hoes like these, not like those ♪

(audience chuckling) - Oh I'm so sorry honey!

I'm sorry! ♪ Don't stop ♪

♪ Till he's dead ♪

♪ There she was, old and weak ♪

♪ And I killed her cold ♪

♪ I am but a mutant freak who cannot be controlled ♪

♪ Toxie run, they're on your trail ♪

♪ Please be fleet of foot ♪

♪ Tromaville is burning, it's about to go kapoot ♪

♪ Don't stop till he's dead ♪

♪ Till the monster's dead ♪

♪ To (mumbles) ♪

♪ Till he's dead ♪

♪ Tore my heart out ♪ ♪ Till he's dead ♪

♪ My human heart out ♪

♪ Till he's dead ♪

(mumbling)

♪ Won't stop till the monster's ♪

♪ Kill the monster ♪

♪ Till the monster's dead ♪

(energetic music) - Toxie, Toxie!

(Toxie roaring)

- Kill the beast, kill the beast!

(cackling)

(cow mooing) (audience tittering)

- Toxie, Tox--

(audience snickering) Ah, son of a bitch!

All right, okay, ah shit, right, ah, oh...

- [Toxie] Hey you all right?

- Yeah. - Here let me get your stick.

- No fine, no no no no no don't touch my stuff please!

(chuckling)

I'm sorry, sorry, I'm a self-sufficient person and I,

and I can uh, I can find my own shit,

I can find my own shit. - Okay.

(audience chuckling)

- [Sarah] It's okay, feel the floor (mumbles).

- Look you're not really close right now.

- Is she okay? - It's okay, she's all right,

she's fine, just fell over dropped

her stick again. - Sorry, sorry, I know,

- I'll be one second, - Is she all right?

- Yeah yeah she's fine. - we were, were on

(mumbling) (audience laughing)

- But more like, yeah, no stop stop stop stop stop,

you're closer now, no, now like back up a little bit.

- (mumbles), bend back a little bit?

- Shoot.

♪ She's beauty and she's grace ♪

(audience chuckling) (audience applauding)

- This is, this is my job (chuckles).

I have to do this eight times a week.

(audience chuckling)

Come to the west end they said,

you'll have fucking fun they said.

You'll get to roll around on the floor,

this was not in the contract.

- It's next to your right... (audience chuckling)

- Oh my god, thank god they're not filming.

(audience laughing) (audience applauding)

(mumbling)

(whistling)

Did someone just whistle my vagina?

(audience laughing)

- I think it did it itself.

(Sarah laughing) (audience applauding)

(whistling) Okay come on let's

get this going, come on team!

Let's go!

(shouting) Left hand (gibbers)!

Yes, yes!

(audience cheering) (audience applauding)

(energetic music)

♪ When I (mumbles) I'm gonna get (mumbles) ♪

♪ Melvin, trouble from the day he was born, Melvin ♪

(dramatic music)

- Sarah!

(cheerful folk music) (audience cheering)

♪ And so the chase is on ♪

♪ But will they catch the freak ♪

♪ Looks like the big green guy could be up shit's creek ♪

♪ Will she catch him ♪

♪ No she won't catch him ♪

♪ Will she catch him ♪

♪ No she won't catch him ♪ - Toxie!

Toxie! ♪ By god she caught him ♪

♪ But she didn't catch him ♪

♪ Yes she did ♪

♪ No she didn't ♪

♪ Yes she did ♪

♪ No she didn't ♪

♪ You just missed him, come and get him ♪

♪ He's there now you can do it ♪

♪ If you want him, just believe in ♪

♪ Just believe it in your soul ♪

♪ You're the master of your own destiny ♪

♪ Tomorrow you can get it ♪

♪ We can reach the ♪ - Just,

(mumbling) finish it!

♪ You can ♪

(audience snickering)

- Bitch. (audience chuckling)

She caught it.

(audience cheering)

She caught the Toxic Avenger.

(dramatic music)

(audience cheering) (audience applauding)

- All right, say goodbye Sasquatch!

I got bleach!

- Go ahead, destroy me, my reason to live is gone!

(Mayor whining) But before I die,

this citizen of Tromaville must know who owns

the Good Earth Corporation.

- That's enough out of you!

- All right, drop the bleach, bitch!

- Sarah! - Stay out of this

you gullible handicapped person,

the creature must be destroyed!

- She's right, I killed an innocent old lady!

- No, no there must be some mistake!

- There's no mistake, I deserve to die!

(Sarah mumbling)

(audience snickering)

- Oh my god my pants!

- I agree!

- Well, you'll have to go through me first!

- Uh, that's not me sweetie!

- But feels real nice.

- Oh! - This is for Edna Ferbert!

- Wait!

Edna Ferbert?

You killed Edna Ferbert? - Whoo!

- Guilty.

- Well that is wonderful.

(gibbering)

- What? - What the hell

are you talking about?

- I used to live next door to her

and she was not innocent at all!

- Well of course she was,

she was a little old lady, and little old ladies

are innocent and adorable.

- Yes. - Aww...

- Oh yeah?

Well, she was going deaf right?

And you know how hard of hearing people talk

extra loud when they're on the phone?

- Oh! - Oh that's so annoying!

- Drives me crazy! - I hate that!

- I know, I know, so I used to hear her talk.

She ran Tromaville Escort Service,

a child prostitution ring that enslaved children

of all races, creeds, and religious backgrounds!

- What? - And that's not all!

'Cause she also downloaded songs

illegally off the internet, thereby depriving artists of

their rightful royalties! (dramatic music)

- For the love of god! (audience applauding)

(slow sympathetic music) - Oh Sarah!

♪ You make me the ♪ - Stop singing!

The mutant must be exterminated!

- Oh he might be a mutant but he's my mutant, motherfucker!

(gun firing)

Wha, did, di-did I get her? (audience snickering)

- No, but ow!

- A little to the left sweetie!

(gun firing) (groaning)

- Oh...

Oh, oh, oh...

(ballet music) Oh...

(grunting) (audience snickering)

(whimpering)

(grunting)

Fuck, fuck... (audience chuckling)

(whimpering)

(screaming)

(gun firing)

(audience cheering) (audience applauding)

- Yeah, yeah now...

Now I got her that time didn't I?

- Yeah, she got me (grunting).

(tragic music) - What?

Toxie?

No, Toxie!

- Sarah! (audience chuckling)

- Toxie, you're not hideous, you are beautiful.

Well I mean you could use a little moisturizer,

but you're beautiful (sobbing)!

- Oh Sarah! - Uh-huh?

- I think your love is enough to keep me alive.

- Really? - No...

- Oh... (audience chuckling)

- I see a bright white light!

- Oh sorry! (audience chuckling)

- Oh but I still see it!

Oh... - Toxie?

(sorrowful music)

♪ Look deep inside ♪

♪ I have nothing to hide ♪

♪ Our love's meant to be for ♪

♪ Eternity ♪

- [Toxie] Oh Sarah?

- Uh-huh? - Could you grant

me one last wish? - Yeah, yeah.

- Something I've never done.

- Oh yeah, you want me to put out?

I can do that.

(audience chuckling) - Oh, no, no, no, no...

- No? - Just kiss me.

(mysterious music) (audience cheering)

(whistling)

- Dammit, did I miss anything?

- You're too late Professor Kennith!

Toxie's dead!

(audience chuckling)

- But Professor, there must be

something you could do!

- I'm sorry, no,

there's nothing, nothing at all,

nothing in this world that could save this

poor, wretched creature.

- No!

No, no, you can't...

Oh my god (sobs).

- Okay, okay.

(sobbing) Come on.

- No please! - I'm so sorry.

- I can't! - I'm so sorry!

(sobbing) (sorrowful music)

(audience snickering)

- [Professor] Except!

- Oh fucking shit!

(audience chuckling) (audience applauding)

Except?

- Well, it's a one in 1000 shot,

but he'd have to drink the dirtiest,

most vile, most disgusting liquid imaginable!

- But where would we find something that foul?

- I got it!

A glass of water from the Thames, in London!

- [Sarah] Oh!

- Oh. - Thank you!

(audience chuckling)

(humming)

No, no!

(humming)

(audience snickering)

No, please!

(humming)

(audience chuckling)

He's gone.

- My baby, oh!

- Oh my, my big French boyfriend!

(sorrowful music) (sobbing)

I, I'm sorry, (mumbles).

(sobbing)

(dramatic music)

(audience applauding)

- [Toxie] Sarah!

- Toxie!

(audience chuckling)

- Sarah, whatever you just gave me

really tasted like shit!

- Oh, oh Toxie will you marry me?

♪ Promise ♪

♪ I promise ♪

♪ I promise ♪

♪ Sarah ♪

(Toxie roaring)

- That was a yes everybody!

(cheerful energetic music)

- Oh, my darling Melvin!

I almost lost you!

Oh and I promise to never criticize or nag you,

ever, ever again, as long as you give me grandchildren!

(squealing) (chuckling)

- Hey, listen to me, everybody!

Well, all four of you. (audience chuckling)

When I was dead, I heard a voice,

a voice that said unto me,

"Melvin Ferd III, you have been chosen to go to

"every politician and corporate executive on this Earth

"and see the good inside of them.

"And with compassion, and with hope,

"and with love, you must convince them

"to stop polluting our planet!"

- Yes! - "And fouling our air!"

- That's right! - "And to end global warming!"

(cheering)

- Wait but, what if they don't listen?

- "Then Melvin," the voice said unto me.

"You must rip their frickin' heads off!"

(cheering) (audience applauding)

(mumbling) - One more mum!

♪ Come on ♪

♪ Double (mumbles) up her hair ♪

♪ The experts think we'll all be dead ♪

♪ But they don't know we're here to fight ♪

♪ Corporations are full of the beans ♪

♪ A hurricane wiped out New Orleans ♪

♪ And there's just one guy who can make things right ♪

♪ He used to be weak and shy ♪

♪ But now he takes command ♪

♪ Oh god how I love my macho monster man ♪

♪ It's a brand new day in New Jersey ♪

♪ And there's new air in the sky ♪

♪ We can breath now in New Jersey ♪

♪ So you won't catch cancer and die ♪

♪ No you won't catch cancer and die ♪

(patriotic music)

(audience cheering) (audience applauding)

- Ladies and gentlemen, what a year it's been!

The voters of the greatest state in the world have spoken,

so please welcome your new First Lady,

and the author of the Oprah Book of the Month,

All Men are Freaks, and your new governor, my baby,

representing the Green Party, governor,

and Mrs. Toxie Ferd III!

(audience cheering) (energetic music)

♪ The first bill that I plan to pass ♪

♪ Pollute the Earth, and I'll kick your ass ♪

♪ And that seems like a damn good place to start ♪

♪ Oh yeah, whooo ♪

♪ The second thing and this I mean ♪

♪ Love your brother, be he brown or green ♪

♪ Or I will rip your face apart ♪

♪ Right apart ♪

♪ Together we will turn this state into a promised land ♪

♪ And you and I will walk hand in slimy hand ♪

♪ It's a brand new day in New Jersey ♪

♪ We got everything we want ♪

♪ No more garbage in New Jersey ♪

♪ Cause we dumped it in Vermont ♪

♪ Yeah, we dumped it in Vermont ♪

- Fuck you Vermont!

(chattering) (audience applauding)

♪ It's a brand new day ♪

♪ It's a brand new day ♪ (giggling)

♪ It's a brand new day ♪

♪ It's a brand new day in New Jersey ♪

♪ It's a brand new day ♪

♪ It's a brand new day ♪

♪ It's a brand new day ♪

♪ It's a brand new day in New Jersey ♪

♪ It's a brand new day ♪ (clapping)

♪ It's a brand new day ♪

♪ It's a brand new day ♪

♪ It's a brand new day in New Jersey ♪

♪ It's a brand new day ♪

♪ A revolution ♪ ♪ It's a brand new day ♪

♪ Evolution ♪ ♪ It's a brand new day ♪

♪ It's a brand new day in New Jersey ♪

♪ It's a brand new day ♪ ♪ A revolution ♪

♪ It's a brand new day ♪ ♪ Evolution ♪

♪ It's a brand new day ♪

♪ It's a brand new day in New Jersey ♪

(audience applauding)

New Jersey! (dramatic music)

(audience cheering) (audience applauding)

(energetic music) (audience applauding)

♪ It's a brand new day ♪ (clapping)

♪ It's a brand new day ♪

♪ It's a brand new day ♪

♪ It's a brand new day in New Jersey ♪

♪ It's a brand new day ♪

♪ It's a brand new day ♪

♪ It's a brand new day ♪

♪ It's a brand new day in New Jersey ♪

Jersey! (dramatic music)

(audience cheering) (audience applauding)

(folksy guitar music)

♪ Let me tell you a story about ♪

♪ A man with a strange complexion ♪

♪ He killed a lot of folks and he made a love connection ♪

♪ By day, he had a girl who baked him homemade breads ♪

♪ By night, he roamed the streets ♪

♪ And ripped off people's heads ♪

♪ This is the legend ♪

♪ He's the legend ♪

♪ The legend of the Toxic Avenger ♪

♪ At first, the folks were sure he'd kill them all one day ♪

♪ But then their crime went down and the freak seemed okay ♪

♪ He proved more popular than Prince William and Kate ♪

♪ He put the garden back in the Garden State ♪

♪ This is the legend ♪

♪ He's the legend ♪

♪ The legend of the Toxic Avenger ♪

♪ Oh he's the legend ♪

♪ He's the legend ♪

♪ Oh he's the legend ♪

♪ Hot dang the legend ♪

♪ So tell your children about the legend ♪

♪ You tell your children's children ♪

♪ You tell your children's children chldren ♪

♪ Have your children tell their friends ♪

♪ And their friends tell other friends ♪

♪ Make some calls, write some letters ♪

♪ Go on Facebook, tweet on Twitter ♪

♪ Go on LinkedIn, don't do MySpace, no one goes there ♪

♪ Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na, na-na, oh oh ♪

♪ Clap with me, clap with me, clap with me, take it ♪

♪ Clap with me, clap with me ♪

(screechy harmonica music)

(energetic folk music)

- [Mayor] Just fucking finish it!