Original subtitles

[♪]

All right, how 'bout this one?

Let's say you're abducted by aliens. Fine.

They haul you aboard the mother ship,

take you back to their planet as a curiosity.

Now, would you rather be in their zoo or their circus?

I gotta go zoo.

I feel like I could set more of my own schedule.

In the circus, you get to ride around on the train,

see the whole planet.

I'm wearing a little hat.

I'm jumping through fire.

Putting their little alien heads in my mouth.

At least it's show business. Yeah.

At least it's show business. Yeah.

But in the zoo, you know,

they might put a woman in there with me

to, uh, you know, get me to mate.

What if she's got no interest in you?

Well, then I'm pretty much where I am right now.

Just got to take a ride on a spaceship.

[♪]

[♪]

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

George, why couldn't I use the bathroom in that store?

Kramer, trust me, this is the best bathroom in midtown.

[WHIMPERS] He knows.

It's right in there, on the left.

Exquisite marble, high ceilings,

and a flush like a jet engine.

[WHOOSHES]

Now, listen, um, you better not wait.

I'll catch you later.

You sure? He knows.

Wow.

Nice.

Why don't you try your engagement story?

Won't work.

Are you sure?

He knows.

[♪]

ELAINE: Look, Kevin,

I really like you--

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

--but, um, maybe we'd be better off

just being...friends.

just being...friends.

Friends?

Yeah. I mean--

Oh, God.

This tuna tastes like an old sponge.

Friends. Yeah. Why not friends?

I might like to try that.

Like you and Jerry.

[TOILET FLUSHES]

KRAMER: Whew!

This damn thing is jammed again!

You know what happens with these?

You know what happens with these?

The rollers, they get flat spots on 'em.

[BEEPING]

Huh?

Hey, Leland wants everyone in the conference room right now.

Come on, let's go.

Okay. Yeah.

Okay.

ELAINE: Remember I was telling you about Gillian,

my friend who writes for the L.L. Bean catalog.

I really think you should give her a call.

I don't know, do you have it--?

Not bad. Wha--? What does she--?

Not bad. Wha--? What does she--?

I put her stats on the back.

Pretty impressive. Serious boyfriend, '92 to '95.

Uh-huh.

Owns her own car. Yup.

Favorite president, James Polk. Hmm.

Let me see that.

So how'd it go with Kevin?

Did you steel-toe his ass back to Kentucky?

You are not gonna believe this.

I told him that I just wanted to be friends.

He's fine with it.

He really wants to be friends.

Why would anybody want a friend?

[GROANS]

[GROANS]

It's really not that bad, actually.

He said he'd go with me to the Museum of Miniatures.

This is something

you would never, ever do.

I mean, all that stuff is so small.

Stupid.

You know, if I told my engagement story

to that receptionist,

but told her this was my fiancée...

What? Don't you see?

Women like that are like members

of a secret tribe living in a forbidden city.

People like me have not been inside in thousands of years.

People like me have not been inside in thousands of years.

But with this, it's like I've already been

with one of her own.

My hand's been stamped. I come and go as I please.

Well, you've cracked it.

I warned the queen you were getting close,

and now it looks like we're gonna have to move

the whole damn forbidden city.

Can I keep this?

No, I need it.

Thanks.

[♪]

Hi. I'm, uh--

I'm here to see a Mr. Art Vandelay.

I'm here to see a Mr. Art Vandelay.

I'm sorry, sir, there is no Mr. Vandelay here.

Well, let me-- Heh.

Let me just, uh, check and make sure

I have the right name. Ha, ha, ha.

I seem to-- Oh, I-- Oh.

Oh, she's beautiful. Who is she?

Well, if you must know, she was my fiancée, Susan.

May she rest in peace.

I am so sorry. She was lovely.

I'm Amanda.

I'm George. [ELEVATOR DINGS]

Good work today, K-Man.

Good work today, K-Man.

Well, you know what they say:

You don't sell the steak, you sell the sizzle.

[LAUGHS] [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

In that case, make mine a double.

[♪]

WOMAN: Jerry?

Gillian. Hi.

It's very nice to meet you.

It's nice to meet you.

She had man-hands.

Man-hands?

The hands of a man.

It's like a creature out of Greek mythology.

Oh. I mean, she was, like, part woman,

part horrible beast.

Would you prefer it if she had no hands at all?

Would she have hooks?

Do, uh...

Do hooks make it more attractive, Jerry?

Kind of cool-lookin'.

Okay, listen, you're picking me up

Okay, listen, you're picking me up

from White Plains tomorrow, right?

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, I got five huge boxes of buttons.

Well, if you need an extra set of hands,

I know who you can call. Jerry!

[KETTLE WHISTLING]

Kramer?

Hey, buddy. Hey.

It's 8:00 in the morning. What the hell is going on?

Breakfast.

I gotta be in at Brandt-Leland by 9.

Why?

Because I'm working there, that's why.

How long have I been asleep?

What--? What year is it?

Look, Jerry, I don't know if you've noticed,

but lately I've been drifting aimlessly.

Now that you mention it...

But I finally realized what's missing in my life.

Structure.

And at Brandt-Leland, I'm getting things done.

And I love the people I'm working with.

How much are they paying?

No, no, no, no. I don't want any pay.

I'm doing this just for me.

I'm doing this just for me.

Clearly.

So, uh, what do you do down there all day?

TCB.

You know, taking care of business.

Ah! I gotta go. All right, then.

I'll see you tonight, huh.

Forget my briefcase.

Well, what do you got in there?

Crackers.

[SHEENA EASTON'S "MORNING TRAIN (NINE TO FIVE)" PLAYING]

♪ And then He takes another home again ♪

♪ To find me waiting for him ♪

♪ To find me waiting for him ♪

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

♪ My baby takes The morning train ♪

♪ He works from 9 till 5 And then ♪

♪He takes another home again ♪

♪ To find me waiting for him ♪

♪ He takes me to a movie Or to a restaurant ♪

I'm gonna go that way!

[ALL LAUGHING]

JERRY: So the picture worked. Amazing!

Hey, she wants me to dress, uh, smart casual.

What, uh--? What is that?

I don't know, but you don't have it.

Right. Bye.

Right. Bye.

Where were you today?

What? Pick up.

Damn.

So? Where were you?

Uh, here, I guess.

And, uh, I went out and picked up a paper.

I had to ask Kevin...

to leave his office and come and pick me up.

Well, what are friends for? Yes.

And he is a friend, Jerry.

He's reliable, he's considerate.

He's reliable, he's considerate.

He's like your... exact opposite.

So he's Bizarro Jerry.

Bizarro Jerry?

Yeah, like Bizarro Superman.

Superman's exact opposite,

who lives in the backwards Bizarro World.

Up is down, down is up.

He says hello when he leaves, goodbye when he arrives.

Shouldn't he say "badbye"?

Isn't that the opposite of goodbye?

No, it's still goodbye.

Does he live underwater?

No. Is he black?

Look, just forget the whole thing, all right?

[SIGHS]

Wow, man.

What a day.

Could I use a drink.

Tough day at the office?

People kept coming in,

and that phone just wouldn't stop.

[EXHALES]

Well, we better get going if we're gonna go

to that, uh, 7:00 Hall of Fusion.

Yeah, well, count me out.

I'm swimming in it.

Old man Leland is busting my hump

Old man Leland is busting my hump

over these reports.

If I don't get 'em done by 9, I'm toast.

[COUGHS]

All right, I have to go.

Whew.

Oh, and, uh, listen.

Uh, could you keep it down to a low roar?

Some of us have to work in the morning. Thanks.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

GEORGE: This is a fantastic place.

I always thought it was a meat-packing plant.

I always thought it was a meat-packing plant.

Hey, Amanda.

These are my friends. Annabell, Justina and Mickey.

We used to model together.

Oh, modeling.

What's that like, fun?

[CHUCKLES]

GEORGE: Stupid. Stupid. Stupid!

So, Mickey, how was Paris this time?

A bore.

You know who used to love Paris?

My, uh, dead fiancée, Susan.

In fact, I think I may have a picture of her.

Wow.

She was beautiful.

Do you wanna dance?

Would you like some bread, Jerry?

No. No, thanks, I'm just not hungry.

Well, then, at least drink your beer.

[SQUEAKS]

[SOFTLY] It's not a twist-off.

You have a little something on your face.

I can get it.

No, no. No, no. You're missing it.

No, no. No, no. You're missing it.

It's higher.

It's an eyelash. Make a wish.

I don't want to.

Make a wish.

Okay.

Didn't come true.

Don't you just love lobster?

[♪]

KEVIN: That Museum of Miniatures was amazing.

I know, it was so tiny.

I know, it was so tiny.

Yeah.

Hey, guys.

Elaine, sit down.

These are a couple of my friends.

This is Gene,

and this guy we just call Feldman.

Bizarro World.

[♪]

GEORGE: Jerry, it was incredible!

Models as far as the eye could see.

Then it does exist.

Yes, the legends are true.

When are you going out with this girl again?

I'm not.

I'm inside the walls.

So you're gonna burn that bridge.

Flame on!

So when are we going?

Well, it's...

It's a pretty fast-paced crowd.

What would you wear?

That?

That?

You know, I'm the one who's actually dating

the woman in the picture.

Yeah.

But I was engaged to her.

I got it. You got it last time.

Don't worry about it.

This is unbelievable.

Say, Elaine.

What do you think of an alarm clock

that automatically tells you the weather when you wake up?

Well, I gotta say, I think that

that is a fantastic idea, Feldman.

Nah, I-- I don't-- It's not practical.

Nah, I-- I don't-- It's not practical.

Well, see you later, Elaine.

Feldman and I gotta get down to the library.

What are you gonna do down there?

Read.

Hello.

[♪]

So, uh, Gillian's coming over later.

I'm gonna end it.

Uh-huh.

Those meaty paws.

I feel like I'm dating George "The Animal" Steele.

I feel like I'm dating George "The Animal" Steele.

Yeah.

Maybe I'll chain her to the refrigerator

and sell tickets.

That's nice.

Kramer, put the paper down.

You never listen to me anymore.

We hardly even talk.

Well, we're talking now, aren't we?

I see you for 20 lousy minutes in the morning.

Here we go.

And when you come home at night,

you're always exhausted.

We never do anything anymore.

What are you starting with me for?

You know this is my crazy time of year.

It's your third day.

It's your third day.

I gotta go to work. We'll talk about this later.

Well...

Call if you're gonna be late!

What?

What is going on with you two?

Oh, I don't wanna talk about it.

All right, listen. Have you seen my addre--?

Ah, there it is. Okay. I got it.

I'll see you later.

Hey, hey, hey. Wait a second.

Where you going? I hardly ever see you anymore.

Well, I--

Well, I--

I guess I've been at Reggies.

The Bizarro coffee shop?

Kevin and his friends are nice people.

They do good things.

They read.

I read.

Books, Jerry.

Oh.

Big deal.

I can't spend the rest of my life

coming into this stinking apartment

every 10 minutes

to pore over the excruciating minutiae

to pore over the excruciating minutiae

of every single daily event.

Why not? Like yesterday, I went to the bank

to make a deposit,

and the teller gives me this look--

I'll see you later, man. I gotta go.

The whole system is breaking down!

[♪]

[HAIR DRYER BLOWING]

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Amanda, hi, yeah.

Listen, you know, I'm thinking we might just

be better off being friends.

Yeah. Yeah. You know what?

I can't even really talk about it right now.

Bye-bye.

No. No!

Friends? Just friends.

Yeah. Yeah.

All right.

Well, do you still wanna see a movie later?

I wish I could, but we're friends.

I wish I could, but we're friends.

I'm just gonna go wash my hands.

Good idea.

[PHONE RINGS]

There's a beach towel on the rack.

Yeah.

Jerry! Jerry, my--

My hair dryer ruined the picture.

Now I need one or I can't get back

into the forbidden city.

Who is this?

Jerry! I need you to get another picture of man-hands.

I'm begging you.

If I get it for you, will you take me to that club

and show me a good time?

and show me a good time?

Yes, yes, all right. Anything.

Okay.

[WATER RUNNING]

Got it.

[WHIMPERING]

[♪]

Jerry. Hey, Jerry?

I'm right here.

Oh, hey.

You're late.

Yeah, well, I got held up, you know.

Yeah, well, I got held up, you know.

What happened to your hand?

Like you care.

Work piled up, I lost track of the time.

Oh, sure, sure. You and your work.

Elaine's off in the Bizarro World,

George only calls when he wants something,

and I'm left sitting here like this plate of cold chicken.

Which, by the way...

[CLATTERS]

...was for two.

What, you cooked?

I ordered in. It's still effort.

Oh, jeez.

What's wrong? It's my stomach.

You're probably getting an ulcer.

This job is killing you.

This job is killing you.

It's killing us.

You know what? You're right.

These reports, they can wait a couple of hours.

What do you say we go out tonight?

Any place you want.

The coffee shop?

You got it, buddy. I'll call George.

[♪]

Hey, isn't that Elaine?

Maybe she can get me a picture of man-hands.

Elaine! Elaine!

GEORGE: Laney! KRAMER:Elaine!

JERRY: Elaine? KEVIN: Hey, Elaine.

Hi. Over here.

[♪]

Jerry, George, Kramer,

this is Kevin, Gene and Feldman.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] Nice to meet you.

This is really weird.

Uh, could you guys excuse us just for a moment?

Sure. Thanks.

What? What do you guys want?

Elaine, I've got to have another picture of Gillian.

I tried to get him one,

but man-hands almost ripped my arm out of the socket.

You could have gotten one. I could not.

[GROANS]

Guys...

I gotta go.

Take it easy.

Elaine?

Can I come?

I'm-- I'm sorry.

We've already got a George.

[♪]

KRAMER: What did you wanna see me about, Mr. Leland?

Kramer, I've been reviewing your work.

Quite frankly, it stinks.

Well, I, uh...

I've been having trouble at home, and, uh...

I mean, uh, you know, I'll work harder.

Nights, weekends, whatever it takes.

Nights, weekends, whatever it takes.

No. No, I don't think that's going to do it, uh...

These reports you handed in,

it's almost as if you have no business training at all.

I don't know what this is supposed to be.

Well, I'm, uh... Just trying to get ahead.

Well, I'm sorry.

There's just no way that we could keep you on.

But I don't even really work here.

That's what makes this so difficult.

That's what makes this so difficult.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

Hi, I'm George.

Are you sure you're supposed to be here?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I used to come here all the time with my fiancée

back when it was a meat-packing plant.

Here's her picture.

What'd you do? Cut this out of a magazine or something?

What?

That's me.

It's from a Clinique ad I did.

[CHUCKLES] Look at that.

Let's go. Private party.

Let's go. Private party.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

ELAINE: It's Laney.

Hi, Elaine.

Hi, Kevin. Oh!

Oh-ho. Ohhh.

Come on in. Okay.

Hi, Gene.

What's up?

Just reading.

Aah.

Hey, what are you doing?

Eatin' olives.

Ever hear of asking?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Who is it?

Feldman, from across the hall.

Hold on.

Hey. Hey, Kevin.

Hi. Look who I ran into.

[FLATLY] Hello, Kevin.

[FLATLY] Hello, Vargas.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Wanna catch a ball game this weekend?

Great. Okay, great.

I'll see you later. Okay.

Vargas.

Well...I got 'em.

All right!

Hey, Elaine, Feldman was able

to get us all tickets to the Bolshoi.

to get us all tickets to the Bolshoi.

[GASPS]

Fourth row, center.

Get out!

Aah!

What's the matter with you?

Oh, Kevin.

I'm so sorry.

Is there anything I can do?

Haven't you done enough already?

I'll just...

It's--

It's locked.

[♪]

[♪]

So this is it, huh?

But it was--

It was here, I'm telling you.

It wi-wi-- It was really here.

There--

There was a bar and a--

And a dance floor.

I guess the DJ booth was over there

behind the bone saw?

Let's get out of here, George.

[♪]

[♪]

[♪]

At work today, I discovered there's a pay phone

in the lobby that has free long distance.

Oh, so, what did you do?

I called the phone company

and immediately reported the error.

Nice.

[DOORBELL RINGS, KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Who is it?

Feldman, from across the hall.

Hold on.

Kevin.

Brought you some groceries.

Again?

Feldman, you didn't have to do that.

Feldman, you didn't have to do that.

Hey, what are friends for?

You know, I may not say this enough,

but you two are about the best friends

a guy could have.

Oh...

Me so happy.

Me want to cry.

[♪]