Original subtitles

I had glasses when I was 10 years old.

Anybody beat that? Anybody got 'em younger than that?

WOMAN: Seven. Seven?

Two?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Anybody born with glasses? Come out...

Actually come out of the birth canal and go,

"That was a hell of a delivery,

"I'll tell you that.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Can I clean these?

"Does anybody have one of those little cloths?

"Does anybody have one of those little cloths?

"I was just born. They're a little...

Little smudgy."

Mmm!

Fantastic.

I told ya. How good is this?

It's good. How good?

Very good. I know it.

They put real blueberries in this. Real blueberries

What kind did you get? Coffee.

They grind up the coffee beans and put it in!

Let me test-taste that.

Huh? Huh?

Mmm! !¡Qué rico!

Suave.

And it's nonfat.

See, how could this not have any fat?

It's too good.

You wanna taste mine?

Oh, you wanna taste mine.

Oh, you wanna taste mine.

No, I don't.

If you wanna taste mine,

you don't have to offer me some of yours.

All right, let's just forget it.

Kramer's gonna clean up on this place.

What do you mean?

He invested in it.

No kidding.

Yeah, we've been coming here everyday.

This is so [BLEEP] good!

Jerry!

Oh, I'm sorry.

That's nice.

All right, we should get goin',

but I'm going to get a little bit more, okay? Yep.

Oh, God, look who's here.

Who is it?

This guy from my old neighborhood,

Lloyd Braun.

He's a big adviser to Mayor Dinkins.

He thinks he's so cool. Ah, really?

Hey, George!

Hey!

Lloyd!

Hey!

My friend Jerry.

Hi. Hi.

So I hear you're living back home now or something?

Yeah, there was a fire in my apartment.

Fire, huh? Hmm.

There's a lot of major chicks in this place, huh?

Something wrong with your arm?

Uh...

Uh, yeah, actually.

I-I bumped my elbow on a desk

and, uh, injured something.

And...now it sort of moves involuntarily.

Wow. That's a bitch, huh?

So how are your parents doing?

Oh, pretty good.

This place does some business, huh?

Yeah, this is my first time here.

Hey, she's a doll.

Hi.

Hello.

Uh, Elaine, this is Lloyd.

Hi.

Oh, hi. Very nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you too.

[CHUCKLES] [GIGGLES]

Well, I'm really sorry I gotta run now.

Oh... [GIGGLES]

Well, take it easy, huh, George?

Yeah, yeah.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

[GASPS]

Boy, he is really cute.

Boy, he is really cute.

He's a jerk.

He's gone, George.

All right, all right.

So there were a lotta people there, huh?

Oh, man, that yogurt place--

You're gonna make a fortune. Yeah.

They're doing incredible business.

I told you to go in on it.

How did you know?

Well, I tasted it at the one downtown.

It's got a remarkable texture.

You'd never know it was nonfat.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Yeah?

ELAINE: Me.

Uh.

Uh.

Hey, I had the show of my life last night.

I ad-libbed, like, 10 new minutes.

Yeah, but did you tape it?

Vfft! Yeah.

Right there. I got it.

I did this thing on the Ottoman Empire.

Like, what was this,

a whole empire based on puttin' your feet up?

Yeah.

I'm tellin' ya,

I got, like, a whole new Tonight Show here.

Hi.

Hey. Hey.

What's the matter?

Oh, I-- I was havin' lunch,

and I bit down on the fork. Ngh.

Boy, it's hard to believe, with so much biting experience,

a person could still make a mistake like that.

a person could still make a mistake like that.

Yommm!

What?

You're gettin' heavy.

What?

Yeah, you look like you put on 5...

10 pounds.

Kramer!

And I'll tell ya something else,

you look a little chunky yourself, buddy.

Me?

Yeah. No.

Where's your bathroom scale?

ELAINE: Oh, my God! I've gained 7 pounds!

JERRY: I've gained 8!

JERRY: I've gained 8!

I told ya.

I thought I put on a couple, but 7 pounds!

How did I gain 7 pounds?

How--? How did I gain 8?

I don't get it.

I've-- I've been doing the same exercises.

I haven't been eating anything different.

Me either.

Wait a second. Maybe it's that yogurt.

No, no, no. That's 100-percent nonfat.

How else could this have happened?

Well, maybe it's the Oreos.

I don't eat Oreos.

You don't eat Oreos?

The way you break 'em open.

You're ahhhhh-uhhh-agh.

You're practically havin' sex with 'em.

What about me?

You? You're gettin' old.

You? You're gettin' old.

Maybe your yogurt isn't so nonfat.

Oh, guess again, tubby.

Jerry, there's gotta be a way we can find that out.

There must be some lab that would do that kinda thing.

Oh! I've got it! What?

I'll call the Food and Drug Administration.

Hey, I'll tell you what, chubs.

If that yogurt has fat in it,

I will put myself on an all-yogurt diet...

[SNAPS] ...for a week.

Well, let's start the insanity.

Nnnn, giddyup.

Nnnn, giddyup.

"Tommy Tune is a very good dancer."

You ever see Tommy Tune dance, George?

No.

I like tap-dancing.

FRANK: Tap-dancing.

Anyone can tap-dance. It's all in those shoes.

Are you kidding?

They practice for years, those people.

What's for supper?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Somebody's at the door.

Somebody's at the door.

Tommy Tune is very tall.

That helps.

It makes him lankier.

Lloyd!

Hello, Mrs. Costanza.

Georgie, Lloyd Braun is here.

FRANK: Hey, Lloyd!

What are you doing here?

Well, I was just in the neighborhood visiting my mother,

so I thought I'd drop by, say hello.

Georgie, come here and say hello.

How you doing?

I hear you're a big adviser for Dinkins now.

That's right. Hey, George.

Hey, Lloyd.

How's it goin'?

I ran into George yesterday in the city.

I ran into George yesterday in the city.

Ow!

What's the matter with you?

So, uh, how's the arm?

It's good.

What's the matter? Nothing.

Yeah, his arm moves like this.

Your arm moves like this?

Yeah.

I've never seen your arm move like this.

Me either.

Well, it comes and goes.

It's like some kind of a...spasm.

I asked Mr. Dinkins

if he knew any good orthopedists,

and he said he had the best.

So I made an appointment for you. Dr. Dekter.

So I made an appointment for you. Dr. Dekter.

Mayor Dinkins got an appointment for him?

You mentioned George's name to Mayor Dinkins?

You discussed George with the mayor of New York?

Dinkins was talking about you. He was discussing you!

You know, Lloyd, I've been to the doctor.

There's really nothing they can do.

Hey! Mayor Dinkins set this up for you.

You know what kind of a doctor he must be if Dinkins knows him?

All right, all right! I'll go.

Well, that's great.

And I'll be very interested to hear the diagnosis.

And I'll be very interested to hear the diagnosis.

ELAINE: Uh-huh.

Okay, well, we're coming down.

All right. Okay.

I got a place that can analyze it.

It's in Brooklyn. We have to drive there.

They said they could do it?

Yeah. It's 45 bucks.

All right, let's go down to the yogurt store,

and get a specimen. Mm-hmm.

[KNOCKING]

Well, I hope you're satisfied. What?

Every word out of my son's mouth now is:

[BLEEPING]

You know what he said to me five minutes ago?

You know what he said to me five minutes ago?

Where's my [BLEEP] cupcake?

Gee, I'm really sorry.

He wants to be like you because you're a comedian.

Maybe you could talk to him?

I'd be happy to.

Thank you.

Uh, Mary, we've been eating a lot of your husband's yogurt

at the yogurt place. Yeah.

Does that have any fat in it?

No [BLEEP] way.

Well, it was very nice seeing you again.

Oh, it was good seeing you.

Oh, it was good seeing you.

Oh, by the way,

who was that gorgeous woman I saw you with the other day?

Oh, uh... just a friend of mine.

You must mean Elaine.

Isn't she adorable?

She is, she is. How about givin' me her number, huh?

[CHUCKLES] Oh, you know, Lloyd,

I really don't have it.

She works at Pendant Publishing.

Elaine Benes.

Oh. Great. Thanks a lot.

Yeah.

Bye-bye. Bye.

Oh, that Lloyd Braun!

He is something, isn't he?

Well, I wouldn't hear of it.

I said, "Nice try, granny,"

and I sent her to the back of the line.

[ALL LAUGH]

[FLATLY] Hello, Newman.

Hello, Jerry.

Say, this yogurt is really somethin', huh?

And it's nonfat!

I've been waitin' for somethin' like this my whole life,

I've been waitin' for somethin' like this my whole life,

and it's finally here!

[LAUGHING]

Hey, Seinfeld.

I'd appreciate it if you'd stop using obscenities around my son.

It was an accident. I'm gonna talk to him.

I'll have a small, plain vanilla, in a cup, to go.

That's nonfat, right?

That's right.

I'm on a special diet,

and the doctor said I can't have any fat.

Yeah, well, there is no fat.

Hey, another round of strawberry for me and my friends!

[LAUGHING]

Hurry, Jerry, hurry!

How's it doin'?

Not so good.

Well, you can't have this tested now. It's melting.

So what?

It changes the molecules.

Oh, you don't know what you're talkin' about.

Hey, fatso, I got a 90 in biology.

You call me fatso one more time,

you're gonna be walkin' back.

Um, hi, hi. I called earlier about getting the yogurt tested?

Oh, right.

Would you fill this out, please?

Does it matter if it's melted?

Does it matter if it's melted?

No.

You know, this is gonna take a couple of days.

That's okay.

Hello, there.

Hello.

Mm.

Ooh, test tubes.

[CHUCKLES]

Cool.

What do you got there?

Actually, this is Mr. Giuliani's blood.

We're doing a cholesterol workup on it.

Okay, I'm done.

[CHUCKLING]

It was really nice meeting you.

Well, the pleasure's all mine, hm?

Well, the pleasure's all mine, hm?

You can't take that chemist out.

Why not?

Because she's like the jury.

She's gotta be sequestered.

I'm not taking her out just to influence the results.

Well, I think the whole thing stinks.

It smells. Smells bad. Smells really bad.

That's enough.

What? With the "smells."

So he made an appointment for me to see Dinkins' doctor.

He's just trying to humiliate me.

Uh-huh.

And I have to go.

If I don't go, he'll know I'm lying.

If I don't go, he'll know I'm lying.

Well, so, what're you gonna do?

Sit in the doctor's office doing this?

He's gonna think you're a mental patient.

I don't care.

Look, Lloyd doesn't know what he's up against.

This is nothing to me.

My whole life is a lie.

Hey.

Hey. Hey.

So guess who called me?

Oh, don't tell me. Lloyd.

We're going out tomorrow night.

All right, look,

he's gonna ask you about my arm.

So just tell him I banged it against a desk,

So just tell him I banged it against a desk,

and it's been moving involuntarily ever since.

I can't say that.

Why not?

What if I like him?

I'm gonna start out lying to this guy?

So you're taking his side?

No, but what if we get married or something?

We'll always have that between us.

Already you're marryin' this guy?

You never know.

Believe me, you're not gonna marry him.

All right, well, then, what if we become a couple, George?

Every time we see you,

you're gonna be walkin' around goin' like this?

Even you can't keep that up.

No, I believe he can.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Hi.

Hi.

You know Jerry.

Of course.

He's a funny [BLEEP].

MARY: See?

Listen, Matthew, I-I wanna explain something to you.

Now...

cursing is not something that most comedians do.

You did it.

You did it.

That's true, but it was an accident,

and I haven't done it since,

and I would never do it again.

And if you continue cursing,

you'll never become a comedian like me when you grow up.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Excuse me one second.

You know, Lloyd advises Dinkins on everything he does.

Yeah, yeah. Big adviser. He tells him what soap to use.

What the [BLEEP] are you doin', you little piece of [BLEEP]!

What the [BLEEP] are you doin', you little piece of [BLEEP]!

[CLATTERING]

Shh!

We don't want to disturb the security guard.

Where's the lights?

Oh.

How about this?

Mmm.

A Bunsen burner.

Oh, yeah, huh?

Ooh. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Whoo.

Yeow!

Mmm.

You want a taste? No.

It's cappuccino.

Hmm. Yes.

Mmm...

Hm?

It's delicious.

I hear you.

Nonfat?

Well...

you tell me.

Is the verdict in yet?

No.

Well...

this is in case there's a tie, hm?

Well, as far as I know,

he bumped his arm into a door,

and it's kind of got this

in...voluntary movement.

It's, um, sort of a, ahem, spasm.

So anyway, you're a big adviser to Dinkins, huh?

Yeah, yeah. It's coming right down to the wire.

Wow. You know what I would do if I was running for mayor?

One of my campaign themes would be

that everybody should wear nametags all the time

to make the city friendlier.

to make the city friendlier.

Nametags, huh?

Everybody would know everybody.

It would be like a small town.

Maybe I'll mention that to him.

Really?

Wow.

You sure you don't want any yogurt?

No, I'm watching my weight.

Oh, it's nonfat.

Yeah, so they say.

I'm done. Shall we go?

Yeah, okay.

Three days, he hasn't called me, and you know why?

Because he thinks I'm too fat.

He said that?

No, but I saw the look on his face

when he put his arm around me.

And then we went to his apartment,

and I sat on one of his chairs...

and it broke.

And he says, "Boy, you're a lotta woman."

[WHISTLING]

Hey...

So hear anything on the yogurt?

No, but I expect to hear anytime.

Well, I wouldn't get your hopes up.

Well, I wouldn't get your hopes up.

Why do you say that?

No reason.

Oh!

Did you hear about that Dinkins?

What about him?

You didn't hear?

He's proposin' a plan

where everyone in the city should wear nametags.

Nametags?

So people can go around saying hello to one another.

Oh, I see. So you can go,

"Hey, you know who I saw wilding today? Herb!"

He's becoming a laughingstock!

You know the Times has already stated

it could cost him the election.

[LAUGHING] Nametags!

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Yes.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Oh, really?

Okay. Thank you very much.

Bye-bye.

Well...

the yogurt verdict is in.

Fat!

Yeow!

The next morning, I-- I woke up...

and it was going like this.

and it was going like this.

I-I can control it if I really concentrate,

but otherwise--

Oh!

Uh-huh.

Yes, well,

I'm going to have to be perfectly honest with you.

Please, doctor.

I've examined you. Yes.

I've looked at your x-rays. Uh-huh.

And I find

that there's absolutely nothing wrong with you.

Hmm.

Really.

Nothing?

Nothing...

that would indicate involuntary spasms.

that would indicate involuntary spasms.

Well, it's kind of a mystery, isn't it?

No, not really.

How so?

May I suggest the possibility that you're faking?

Faking?!

What makes you think that I have time

to see doctors, take x-rays, make appointments,

when there's absolutely nothing wrong with me?

What kind of a person would do a thing like that?

I don't know what kind of person would do something like that.

Obviously, a very sick person.

A very immature person.

A very immature person.

A person who has no regard

for wasting other people's valuable time.

Goodbye.

Now, see here, doctor--

I said, goodbye.

Fine.

Ow!

ELAINE: Jerry, come on, look.

Let's go over to that yogurt store.

Look, Elaine, I've been thinkin' about this.

This has gotta be a massive conspiracy.

Who knows how deep it goes?

Hey, look, wait a second. Kramer, turn that up.

Hey, look, wait a second. Kramer, turn that up.

MAN [ON TV]: Rudy Giuliani, who underwent a physical last week

received some startling news today

when his cholesterol count turned out to be

a whopping 375.

What effect this will have on the minds of the voters

remains to be seen.

In another development, Mayor Dinkins has fired

his top advisor, Lloyd Braun,

who was believed to be responsible

for the nametag fiasco.

We now take you to Giuliani headquarters,

where Rudy Giuliani is about to make a statement.

It's hard to understand

because I've been doing everything I normally do.

because I've been doing everything I normally do.

I've been watching my diet carefully.

I exercise regularly.

My only indulgence, I guess,

would be that I eat a lot of frozen yogurt,

but it's nonfat.

Nonfat yogurt?

Oh, my God.

They got Giuliani, and he doesn't know it!

Now look what you've done.

Well, we've got to do something.

I'm calling Giuliani's headquarters.

GEORGE [LAUGHING]: Nametags!

Nametags!

What kind of an idiot thinks

anybody would be interested in an idea like that?

I don't think it's so bad.

I don't think it's so bad.

People should wear nametags.

Everyone would be a lot friendlier.

"Hello, Sam." "How ya doin', Joe?"

Hey.

Your arm, it moved again.

I thought you said it went away.

I banged it on the desk in the doctor's office.

[WHIMPERS]

Quiet!

They're starting the press conference.

GIULIANI [ON TV]: My campaign staff has received

some very disturbing information

regarding the fat content

in yogurt that's being sold throughout the city.

in yogurt that's being sold throughout the city.

I pledge to you now that if I'm elected mayor,

as my first order of business,

I'll appoint a special task force

to investigate this matter.

I promise you, my fellow New Yorkers,

that Mayor Giuliani will do everything possible

to cleanse the city

of this falsified nonfat yogurt.

JERRY: The old yogurt was so much better.

Oh, this is terrible. Pheh!

Oh, it stinks.

Mine too.

We got one more day.

I can't eat this.

Hey. Jerry.

Hey. Jerry.

Thanks a lot.

I hope you're happy.

It had fat in it. It's not good for you.

I don't care!

It was good! I was enjoying it.

Had to interfere.

Couldn't leave well enough alone.

Well, I will get even with you for this.

You can count on it!

ELAINE: Hey, you guys.

Listen to this. Listen to this.

"Apparently some blood spilled into Mr. Giuliani's test tube

"causing his cholesterol count

"to be 150 points higher than was initially reported.

"Ironically, the mishap,

"by bringing the nonfat yogurt scandal

"by bringing the nonfat yogurt scandal

"to the attention of the public,

"probably clinched the election for the Republican.

"It was the one issue

"which seemed to electrify the voters

and swept Giuliani into office."

So in effect, the yogurt won him the election.

I wonder what actually happened in that lab.

Yeah. Me too.

I can't eat this!

Thanks for ruining my daddy's business,

you fat [BLEEP].

you fat [BLEEP].

[♪]

There's nothing more fun than cursing when you're a kid.

I mean, it's like gettin' the keys to the car, isn't it?

You're doin' something you're not supposed to do,

and that's all you want.

And there's nothing less fun

than when you're an adult,

and having to use those wholesome curses.

"Fudge!"

"Sugar!"

"Consarnit!"

What the hell is "consarnit," anyway?

I mean, you've stubbed your toe,

and you say, "Consarnit,"

you might as well say, "Yippee!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

But if you've ever been to a foreign country,

the first thing you learn are the curse words, right?

Travel halfway around the world

to experience some centuries-old exotic civilization,

the first thing you ask is, "How do they say 'doodie' here?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]