Original subtitles

I never get enough sleep.

I stay up late at night 'cause I'm "night guy."

Night guy wants to stay up late.

"What about getting up after five hours of sleep?"

"Oh, that's morning guy's problem.

"That's not my problem. I'm night guy.

I stay up as late as I want."

So you get up in the morning,

the alarm, you're exhausted, groggy.

Oh, you hate that night guy.

See, night guy always screws morning guy.

There's nothing morning guy can do.

The only thing morning guy can do

is try and oversleep often enough

so that day guy loses his job,

and night guy has no money to go out anymore.

and night guy has no money to go out anymore.

Do you ever spit on anybody from here?

No. You?

No.

Do you ever think about it?

Yeah.

Me too.

[DOOR OPENS]

Hey.

Hey.

Well, I got it. You got me the air conditioner?

Well, what do you think? Beautiful.

What air conditioner?

Well, my buddy works in an appliance store,

and he got us 30% off.

Is it a good one?

Good one? It's a Commando 8.

Good one? It's a Commando 8.

Commando 8?

Twelve thousand BTUs.

I thought you hated air conditioning.

You've never had an air conditioner.

Yeah, but Amy likes air conditioning.

Oh, you're getting an air conditioner for Amy.

Amy doesn't like the temperature up here.

She's a little hot.

All right.

Okay,

so I'm gonna measure the window up, okay?

Yeah. Yeah.

Well...

rock on!

I gotta get out of this city.

So you're tunneling to the center of the Earth?

I'm at the health club.

And while I'm in the pool,

some guy walks off with my glasses.

Who steals prescription glasses?

You don't have an old pair?

I broke 'em playing basketball.

He was running from a bee.

Now if I want to see anything,

I gotta wear these.

I gotta wear these.

George, those are prescription goggles?

What is there to see in a health-club pool?

There's a lot of change down there.

When I find that guy, this much I vow:

Those glasses will be returned to their rightful owner!

We're behind you, Aquaboy. Godspeed.

What kind of a sick, demented person

wants another person's glasses?

Yeah, especially those frames.

You know what you ought to do?

Go see my friend Dwayne at J&T Optical on Columbus Avenue.

He'll give you 30% off.

He'll give you 30% off.

Pssh. Yeah, come on.

Hey, he just got me 30% off on an air conditioner.

Really?

Retail is for suckers.

Wow. Uh...

All right, what do I have to do?

You just gotta mention my name.

That's it?

That's it. Click!

What about these?

They look good. I liked the other one too.

I've liked about five of them.

Well, it's a tough decision. I have to wear these everyday.

Well, it's a tough decision. I have to wear these everyday.

[SIGHS]

I'm decidin' on a new face.

Come on, George. Pick a face and go with it.

Now, those look good. They're very bold.

Yes, they are bold.

Jerry, what do you think?

I think these women would be pretty good-lookin'

if they weren't wearing glasses.

Oh, hi there, little doggy.

Do you mind if I pet your dog?

It's okay with me. [WHIMPERS]

Hi there, little doggy.

[DOG BARKS] [SCREAMS]

Hey, you can't have that dog in here.

You okay? Did he bite you?

You okay? Did he bite you?

[WHIMPERING]

Can you believe that guy?

I'm okay It's just a nip.

He just walked away!

And once again I'm standing here like a little man.

Well, not this time.

You! Dog man!

My leg looks pretty bad.

Let me take you over to the emergency room.

Okay.

Hey, any luck? Did you catch him?

Hey, any luck? Did you catch him?

Uh...no, no.

All right, I'm gonna take Elaine over to the hospital.

Good, good. Do that.

What's the matter?

[LAUGHS] Oh, nothing.

What is it?

I can't tell you.

Jerry, can we go?

Yeah, yeah, in a second, in a second.

What do you mean, you can't tell me?

I can't tell you. Don't ask.

I'm asking.

Jerry, my leg.

Yeah, yeah. Here. Take care of it.

Come on, George. What is it?

I saw Amy making out with your cousin Jeffrey.

I saw Amy making out with your cousin Jeffrey.

What?

They were right outside.

Amy and Jeffrey?

Yes.

Are you sure?

Yes. Positive.

But you can't see.

There's no lenses in those frames.

I know. I was squinting.

Okay, listen, Jerry, you just catch up with me, okay?

You can just follow the trail of blood.

We're gonna have to talk about this later.

Thank you.

Taxi!

Taxi!

Excuse me. What do you think of these?

Oh, we just got those in. It's a very exciting new frame.

Yes, it is exciting!

All right, this is gonna be my new face.

All right, do you have a prescription?

Yeah.

Kramer.

What?

Kramer.

What about him?

You do know Kramer.

Yes.

Well, I'm mentionin' his name.

Cha-chik!

Why?

Because...

You know...

No, I don't know.

Look, I'm gonna need a deposit on these.

Oh, come on. Cousin Jeffrey?

Oh, come on. Cousin Jeffrey?

It's not possible.

Why not? They could've met.

She loves the park, he works for the Parks Department.

Oh...

Jerry, that is so ridiculous.

George didn't even have his glasses on.

But he was squinting.

So what? Squinting doesn't make that much of a difference.

Are you kidding? I've seen him squint.

He can squint his way down to, like, 20-30 vision.

Once we were driving down from the Catskills,

and he lost his glasses,

he squinted his way from Wurtsboro

down to the Tappan Zee Bridge.

down to the Tappan Zee Bridge.

He was spottin' raccoons on the road.

Okay.

Okay? That's it?

I--? I don't need a shot?

[THICK ACCENT] Not shot. Dog bite.

No, no, no. I know I wasn't shot.

Do I need a shot?

Not shot. Dog bite.

Woof-woof, not bang-bang.

Ah, look at this. Cable's out.

Oh, that's okay. We don't have to watch TV.

No, no, no.

No trouble at all. It's the principle of the thing.

I like them to know that I know what's going on,

that they're not...

getting away with anything.

Unh, I'm on hold.

So, what'd you do yesterday?

Yesterday?

Yeah. You remember yesterday.

Yeah. You remember yesterday.

Beautiful day, good day to be...out.

I didn't do anything.

[LAUGHING] Well, you must've done something.

Mmm...no, nothing really.

Didn't go out of the house?

Didn't take a walk on...

Columbus Avenue?

Well, I did go out for a little while.

Well, your day's getting more interesting already.

Oh. See?

Oh. See?

Told me they'd be back in a minute,

and they lied.

You can't trust anyone.

No, you can't.

Well, let's cut the bull, sister!

You think I don't know about you swappin' spit

with somebody yesterday on Columbus Avenue?

What are you talking about?

Look, my friend saw you.

Saw me? With who?

You tell me.

There's nothing to tell.

There isn't?

No.

Oh.

All right.

Wanna get some pizza?

I had a feeling this was too good to be true. Why?

I knew there had to be another side to you.

No, no, there's no side.

There is a side, an ugly side.

No, no, no ugly side.

Look, I think I'm gonna go.

Why?

It's really hot in here.

Uh, so are we gonna still go out on Friday, though?

Yeah. When are you gettin' an air conditioner?

Yeah. When are you gettin' an air conditioner?

I-it's comin'.

It's a Commando 8, 12,000 BTUs.

It's gonna be like a meat locker in here.

I was an idiot for listening to you.

Hey, I saw what I saw.

Oh, everything was going so well.

She hadn't seen any flaws in me.

Now she sees a side.

What side?

A bad side, an ugly side.

Oh, so what? So what?

I wasn't planning on showing that side

for another six months.

Now you made me throw off the whole learning curve.

Why don't you just ask Jeffrey?

Oh, he'd just deny it.

Oh, he'd just deny it.

There must be some way to find out.

Amy said nothing happened.

You're gonna take her word over mine?

I'm your best friend!

Yeah, but you're blind as a bat.

I was squinting!

Remember that drive from Wurtsboro?

I was spottin' those raccoons.

They were mailboxes, you idiot.

I didn't have the heart to tell ya.

Hey, look.

A dime.

A dime.

Huh, Mercury head. You mind?

No, keep it.

What happened? You buzzed 5 minutes ago.

There was a dog in front of the building,

and it spooked me.

I couldn't come in until he left.

A little white dog?

Yeah.

Snowball?

You're afraid of Snowball?

You're afraid of Snowball?

I'm afraid of dogs now.

He's like a squirrel.

Well, he frightened me.

Did you get the shot?

No. He said I didn't need a shot.

You got bit by a strange dog,

and you didn't get a rabies shot?

Why, you think I should've?

Oh-ho!

You should go back to the optical store

and ask Dwayne if he knows the name of the owner of the dog.

All right, that's a good idea. I'm gonna do that.

Ah.

The AC's on its way.

Ahem. Pardon me.

I went to see your friend Dwayne,

there was no discount.

What? That's right. No discount.

Well, did you mention my name?

Yes, I mentioned your name. And?

Pfft! Bupkis.

I don't believe this. That guy owes me bigtime.

I got him off sugar!

Look, I'm gonna go down there with you right now. Come on.

All right. Let me--

I'm gonna grab an apple. All right.

Hey, Kramer. Yeah.

[LAUGHING] Elaine's afraid of Snowball.

Little Snowball?

He runs on batteries.

He runs on batteries.

You know, George, that's an onion.

Yes, it is.

He couldn't tell an apple from an onion,

and he's your eyewitness.

I saw them makin' out. You can believe it.

I don't know what to believe.

You're eatin' onions, you're spottin' dimes.

You're eatin' onions, you're spottin' dimes.

I don't know what the hell is goin' on.

Look, all you gotta do

is get Amy and Jeffrey together somewhere. That's it.

Hey, wait a second, wait a second.

I'm goin' over to Jeffrey's apartment tomorrow night

to pick up these Paul Simon tickets.

I'm gonna surprise Amy.

All I gotta do is bring her with me.

And then when Jeffrey opens the door,

it's Howdy Doody time.

Mmm. Right this way, Mr. Doody.

[TEARFULLY] You'll see. I'm right.

Hey, Dwayney.

Oh, hello, Kramer.

What is goin' on here?

What are you talking about?

I'm talkin' about the 30% discount.

Um, excuse me. A man came in here--

Elaine, don't interrupt.

They're discounting something.

Who said anything about a discount?

Oh, how quickly we forget.

You owe me, buddy. For what?

Whoop! Remember this?

What are you doing?

Six months ago you were eating four of those for breakfast

Six months ago you were eating four of those for breakfast

and chasing it with a Ring Ding.

And two Butterfingers on the train!

Sound familiar?!

Put that away.

Remember that night I found you at Dinky Doughnuts?

You were all hopped up on cinnamon swirls!

They wouldn't serve you anymore.

You wouldn't even have any teeth

if it wasn't for me taking you over to Joe's fruit stand

and stuffin' cantaloupe down your throat,

but so much for gratitude.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

All right! All right! All right!

I'll give 'em the discount. Just put that thing away.

I'll give 'em the discount. Just put that thing away.

But this squares us.

Could I just have the name--?

Out!

We'll see you, Dwayne.

I don't know what to tell you, Elton.

Uh-oh. Listen to this. This is not good.

Listen to these symptoms for rabies:

anxiety, irritability.

I've got those. I'm irritable.

Who picked these out?

I did. They're ladies' glasses.

I did. They're ladies' glasses.

I mean, all you need is that little chain around your neck,

so you can wear 'em while you're playing canasta.

Well, Elaine was supposed to help me.

Hey, I got bit by a dog!

I had to go to the hospital!

I was bleeding to death!

I can't solve every little problem you have!

Hey, hey.

Oh.

I'm sorry. Sorry.

Commando 8 has arrived!

I'll get the window.

I'll get the window.

12,000 BTUs of raw cooling power, huh?

Ha, ha!

Yeah.

Installed.

That--? That's it?

You don't have to screw it in or anything?

No. Just plug it in, and the Commando 8 does the rest.

I'll seal it up later, all right?

Yeah. Just in time for Amy.

Oh, yeah, when are you gonna execute that plan?

Oh, God. I've got such a headache.

Oh, God. I've got such a headache.

Aw! That's another symptom.

Of what?

Rabies.

Oh, that's fatal. You don't want that.

I know I don't want it!

I don't need you to tell me what I don't want,

you stupid hipster doofus!

Hey, hey.

What is this? What's goin' on here?

I'm sorry, Kramer. I'm sorry.

No, it's all right. I'm sorry.

I had a friend who had rabies once.

May I have one of those, madam?

Madam? What are you callin' me madam for?

They're ladies' glasses.

No, look. Here. See, it's right here.

[CHUCKLES] "Gloria Vanderbilt collection."

He sold me ladies' glasses!

I...

I think I'm...

I'm having trouble swallowing.

I-- I can't swallow.

She's got rabies, just like my friend Bob Sacamano.

She's got rabies, just like my friend Bob Sacamano.

Look at that, she's delirious.

She's foaming at the mouth!

Is this gonna hurt?

Yes, very much.

What if Jeffrey's not home?

Did you ever think of that?

He'll be home. It's Friday night.

Big night on the Nature Channel.

Let me tell you something.

There is no way Cousin Jeffrey is dating Amy.

There is no way Cousin Jeffrey is dating Amy.

He looks like a horse.

He does look like a horse.

Yeah, he's got a real horse face.

[GASPS]

Hey, look at this.

It's the guy with the dog!

Hey! Hey, you down there!

Remember me?

I had to get shots because of your stupid dog!

MAN: Hey, who you callin' stupid?!

Hey, should we spit on him?

No, no, no. Come on. Let's go get him.

♪ Oh, my papaya ♪

The air conditioner!

[HORNS HONKING]

[DOG BARKING]

[CRASH] [DOG YELPS]

I think it got the dog!

Ahhh.

Ah, boy.

Excuse me.

Uh, I'm new here.

Uh, would you mind walking me back to my locker?

Oh, uh, sure. Why not?

Oh, uh, sure. Why not?

Uh, there you go.

Hey, that's the guy.

What guy?

The guy that stole my glasses.

This time I got him!

Could you pick it up a little?

Where the hell are we going?

Ah, phooey. He's getting on a bus.

Damn.

Those are nice glasses.

I don't like 'em. They pinch my nose.

Is that right?

Dwayne, my friend and I would like to exchange frames.

Dwayne, my friend and I would like to exchange frames.

Could you put his lenses in my frames

and mine in his?

Yeah, we can do that.

[WHISPERS] Excuse me.

And I'd like a discount.

Why should I give you a discount?

Listen, you're lucky I'm not askin' for a whole refund.

[WHISPERS] You gave me ladies' frames.

What's that about ladies' frames?

Say, I'm trying to track down

that lady that was in here the other day.

The one that was messing with my dog.

She's trying to track you down.

Well, I would love to talk with her.

Heh, heh.

She lives on 81st street?

She lives on 81st street?

No, that's Jerry.

Really?

You wouldn't happen to know what apartment he's in?

Yeah. 5A.

Thanks a lot.

So, what are we doing here?

Oh, you'll find out.

I don't know. You're acting very mysteriously.

Well, I'm very mysterious by nature.

A lot of women find that attractive.

I find it annoying.

Oh.

Hello.

Uncle Leo.

Come on in.

Uh, this is Amy.

Hello, Amy.

Uncle Leo, what're you doing here?

Jeffrey went out tonight.

Oh, very convenient.

I'm supposed to tape this nature show for him.

He loves nature.

Botany, zoology.

You know, his botany teacher from college

stays in close touch with him.

They became friends.

Really?

That's pretty rare.

I mean actual friends, like equals.

They have dinner together, they have discussions, they--

They have dinner together, they have discussions, they--

Uncle Leo,

did he leave any tickets here for me?

Oh, yeah, yeah. I'll get 'em.

Thank you.

What tickets?

To the Paul Simon "Concert in the Park."

We're going to the Paul Simon concert?

That's right, lady.

Ha-ha! What a great surprise.

I thought you'd like that.

Oh, so that's why you've been acting so mysteriously.

Now you know.

That, and that alone, is the reason.

You know Jeffrey's favorite animal?

You know Jeffrey's favorite animal?

The leopard.

Why is that?

He likes the spots.

Oh, uh, here's-- Here's the tickets.

Thank you.

Oh, uh, he asked me to give you a message.

He said that, uh, he's very sorry,

and, uh, he hopes you'll forgive him.

Ah-ha! So it's true.

You were makin' out with him.

What are you talking about? I don't know Jeffrey.

Oh, so this is why you brought me up here.

Very convincing,

Very convincing,

but it's not gonna work this time.

What are you talking about?

All he meant was that he was sorry

that the seats aren't very good.

Oh.

Oh.

Wanna get some pizza?

Boy, these really do pinch the nose.

Tough luck. A deal's a deal.

Tough luck. A deal's a deal.

Oh, my God. It is them.

[WHINNIES]

I still don't know how you spotted that dime.

I think you planted it.

Plus I got to pay that vet bill for the stupid dog.

Plus I got to pay that vet bill for the stupid dog.

I don't know how that guy got my name.

Yeah. Heh.

All right.

Boy, these really do pinch.

I tell you, if I ever find the son of a bitch

that stole my glasses...

But I want to know, when did glasses

go from being this carefully crafted medical apparatus

to just this mall impulse item?

"Honey, I'm going out for a yogurt

and a pair of trifocals. You need anything?"

It's always glasses in about an hour.

"Well, how much are they?"

"75 bucks."

"Well, here's 72. It's about 75, okay?"

What, you tryin' to coordinate it

with the one-hour photo place, is that the idea?

"Hurry up. Gimme the glasses.

My pictures are coming out right now. I need to see 'em."

Then they have those Woolworth glasses,

you know, that are like,

they're there. They're there now.

they're there. They're there now.

No eye exam, you don't have any idea what's wrong with the eyes,

and the glasses are made up.

They are ready and waiting for you to just walk in,

"Thank you. Bye." And just walk right into a wall. Bang.