Original subtitles

[clears throat]

[woman] Can we get a snatch of a song,

just to see if you can hold a note?

I, I know it seems daft to ask you, but you know?

No, it's, um, it's fine.

It was all auto-tuned back then,

so just really, really,

lower your expectations...

[all laugh]

OK.

♪ A long, long time ago

♪ I can still remember

♪ How that music used to make me ♪

Shall I get up?

Erm, ta da da erm... [humming]

Sorry, um...

[humming]

♪ February made me shiver

♪ With every paper I'd deliver ♪

♪ Bad news on the doorstep

♪ I couldn't take one more step ♪

That's fine.

♪ I can't...

-OK... -Oh!

-Thanks! -Really?

[man] Yes!

[woman] It's lovely!

OK! Thank you.

Suzie, thank you so much for coming today.

God, are we done?

-OK, thank you so much. -Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, it's so lovely to see you.

-Nice to see you! -Thank you.

-Say good-bye. -Bye bye, Frank!

How do you say good-bye?

Just as you would normally.

Oh!

-Bye Frank! -Bye!

Bye bye! Bye, Frank!

Bye bye!

-Thank you. -Bye!

-OK, bye. -Bye!

Really?

Really?!

You were very good.

You were very good.

You're Mummy's secret weapon.

Do you know that?

You bring Mummy luck!

You bring Mummy such luck.

[Suzie] Look...

Swimming pool.

Yeah.

Yeah, but where you are now...

at school,

you have lots of friends,

don't you?

You're special there.

So would you rather be special?

Or fit in?

Yeah!

I hear you.

[iPad rings]

Oh look, it's dad!

Hey!

[Cob] Hey!

How's the study trip?

I thought you were asleep.

Are you still awake?

Are you still in Paris?

I thought you'd be on the train by now?

Yeah, we actually, we actually missed the last train!

We missed the Eurostar so the students are looking at somewhere to stay.

Valerie's on it.

[Valerie] I'm on it!

She's on it.

Right.

So what about tomorrow?

I mean, don't... you, you don't have to come if you--

It's fine.

Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah! No, I'll come straight there.

I'll get the first train and I'll um,

I'll come straight there.

Fuck, shit!

-[women laugh and cheer] -My god,

I nearly just walked into one of those French, piss things.

-What are these called? -[Valerie] I don't know!

[Cob] Pisseur! Viva la pisseur!

[Valerie] Viva la pisseur!

-[call ends] -Oh!

Crazy!

[theme music playing]

[glass shatters]

Uh, these hierarchies are all fucked up,

Mr. Sitting in the Front.

I can feel the hair on my back stand up as we cross the border.

Your back?

Yeah, I'm covered in hair, you know that.

Why are you so relaxed?

Is Cob not coming?

Oh, my God, is that why I'm here?

[Suzie] No, he was.

He's stuck in Paris with his students.

I sort of hope he doesn't. For his sake.

[Naomi] Have your family seen the photos?

Poor Cob.

Poor Cob.

My family don't mind a slag.

But you don't wanna be married to one, do you know what I mean?

-God, I hate going home. -Oh, Jesus Christ.

Embrace yourself!

Nah, that is why I'm, like,

totally sold on having a kid on my own.

Like, burn this trad shit down.

Well, there'll be lots of free spunk at this.

My dad's side are irresponsibly fertile.

-[retches] -[laughs]

[Naomi] God, how's your mum going to cope with your dad being there?

[Suzie groans]

Oh, did you hear back from the musical?

[Naomi] No.

-No? -Mmm-mm.

[Naomi] Oh, Jesus!

[Suzie] All right!

Here we are.

Come on then, darlin'.

Let's go.

[Karen] Oh, God!

All these bloody people!

Yeah, it's a wedding, Mum.

[Naomi] Hey, Mrs P!

[Karen] Ah, hello love.

Hey, I've been praying for you!

Come 'ere, come 'ere!

Hey, haven't you got him one of them cochlear things yet?

He doesn't want one.

[Karen] Well, he's seven, how does he fucking know?

Have you not seen the videos? They're heart breaking.

[Suzie] It's doesn't work like that for everyone,

he's not a good candidate.

No, no, no.

They even do it with dogs now,

and there's one hearing his owner for the first time

-and his little tail! -Oh, is it!

Oh, it's marvelous.

-Yeah, come in, sweetheart. -Yeah, it sounds it.

-Oh, you're looking lovely, Naomi... -So do you!

[Phil] Here she comes... first born.

[Suzie] Hello, Jon.

Oh, I didn't recognize you without a penis nearby!

-Yeah. -[Phil] Wha-- Hey!

[Karen] Jon, don't start!

[Phil] There is a penis nearby!

[Lila] It's you, Jon.

[all laugh]

Has he gone outside?

[Jon] Uh, get me the um... pass me the thing.

What are you after now?

[Suzie] Is this what we're using?

Excuse me, I'll get you a drink in a minute.

[Naomi] Nice spread.

Well done, Karen.

-Na-naaaaa! -[screams]

-What the-- -Now I recognize you!

Yeah. Yeah.

Bit light for you though, Suzie girl!

[Suzie] Was that worth it?

[woman] Surprise!

Bloody hell!

[Karen] Come and get some food, people!

Dad, can I have a fag while he's out?

Has he left you then, out of embarrassment?

[Naomi] Oh, Jesus!

Don't worry, it's all right!

-Here you go. -Oh, thank you!

[Jon] Made my eyes water and I only saw the blurry ones!

[Shane] ♪ Golf ball through your nose... ♪

Oh, all right, Shane?

[Shane] Yeah. You all right, Suze?

Mum, where shall we get changed?

Shall we just go upstairs?

What's that?

I, I can't hear, what did you say?

I said where are we changing?

Nah, Suze,

you sound like you've got something in your mouth.

Ooh! Ooh!

-[laughs] -[Karen] Phil!

Don't do that when Cob is here.

Don't "Phil" me in my own house.

It's literally not your house.

Well, you can't go upstairs, can you, sweetheart,

'cause, um...

'Cause your sister's up there, ain't she?

[Lila] It's not her, it's him. He can't go upstairs.

-[Naomi] Starting early. -[Danielle] All right, Suze?

Oh, hi!

I can't think straight!

What are you all doing sat in the kitchen?

Go on, sod off all of you.

[Phil] Harpy!

[Danielle] Ere, you know what I wanna know!

How many famous people you met?

Well, I work with famous people every day so literally all the time.

No, not you, Suze.

How many famous people you met? Name them.

Oh, I've met loads.

I've met Louis Theroux?

-I've met-- -Who-- Who, who?

Louis Theroux, you know who that is?

No.

Oh, my God.

[Danielle] Next. Who else?

What? Well, I've met loads.

Like, what, do you want me just list famous people?

-[Danielle] Yes. -What's going on

with all this naked stuff?

-I mean, I know... -Straight in.

[Lila] I'd feel terrible, I would feel awful. I would feel so awful.

Did you sell it or something?

What? No!

No, it's an awful angle, for anyone.

I'd of deleted it.Why didn't you just delete it straight away?

I did delete it!

They steal recently deleted stuff too now.

-[Danielle] Fuck off. -Do they? -Be careful.

Oh, I'm gonna be really rude now.

Do you know when you go on top,

you know when you go on top, right?

You know what I'm talking about, right...

when you lean,

-when you lean over... -Oh, don't.

...you wanna get a mirror and check what they are seeing.

-I've got udders. -[laughing]

[Lila] And I go body pump twice a week, d'you know what I mean?!

-Where's your boyfriend, Naomi? -[Karen] Oh no, no, no...

[Naomi] Where's my boyfriend?

[Karen] Do you remember, she's not um...

-She's...? -[Naomi] No, no.

Well, I'm actually 50-50.

She's into women.

Oh, mate, I would...

-at a fanny. -[all laugh]

[Lila] Don't you wax them every day at work?

Yes, I get paid to do that!

I'm not nose deep in it, am I?

Well, 60-40.

Sixty-forty men now, talking to you.

[Danielle] One time during a massage,

I was so hungover,

I vommed all over her lower back.

-Seventy-thirty. -[Danielle] That's my limit.

That area is a no-go, mate.

-Strictly dickly me. -[all laughing]

[Naomi] All right, Danielle.

I wouldn't do you either so chill out.

[Danielle] Oh, charming!

[Karen] Shane! Shane!

Shane's cousin's here, isn't she?

Oh, yes!

She plays netball for Kent! She's gay. She's gay.

Actually Naomi's inthe market for a bit of spunk, if there's any going...

Didn't-- Didn't Cob wanna have more kids

and then you didn't?

Oh, my God. That's not true, is it?

-Ooh! Mum... No. -[Naomi] It is true.

[Lila] Well, there's the solution, you can have her old fella!

Yeah, yeah, knock yourself out.

I think even I might have a line.

-[Suzie] Fill your boots. -[Naomi] Yeah.

Mum's strictly dickly, right, Mum?

[Danielle] Are ya?

So here's to that, the strictly dickly crew!

-All right. -All right.

Oh babe.

Mwah. Mwah. Mwah.

All right, Grinny?

Oh this is mad, isn't it?

Look at you... look at you,

so crazy 'cause you're eight still, aren't you?

How are you? What the fuck?

Don't. How am I?

How are you? You've got a lot of make-up on.

No, this is normal.

Well, I've brought the um... Magic Showbiz box.

So have you got any words of wisdom for your sister?

You've done it enough times.

Well, it's a sign I'm not very good at it, Grin.

[under her breath] Can't say that...

I bet this dress makes you want to be sick.

No.

[Karen] Your father's doing my bloody head in.

It's good. It's looking quite creased on there...

Ah, you look like a model! Look at you.

She's gorgeous, ain't she?

This is actually really good.

[Karen] Give us a fag.

[Grinny] Oh, blimey, what are you doing?

Mum, what are you doing? You sat on the dress.

All right. Bloody hell. Keep your hair on.

You're just gonna crease it all!

You're just smoking next to it, it'll go up.

[Karen] It's creased anyway. Jesus!

[Grinny] What are you like?

-[Naomi] Hey, Ferd. -[Ferd] All right?

[Naomi] All right, Shane?

Budge up.

[Jon]Thing is that center forward, I've seen milk turn faster...

size of his arse.

[Phil] Size of your arse.

[Jon] He ain't fit. Look, look.

[Grinny] Karen says you've done a porno?

No, I didn't.

I... I, I didn't.

[Archie] Who's the bloke in it?

I bet you shat yourself.

[Suzie] No, it doesn't matter.

[Grinny] It's all them Kardashians.

[Karen] I'm just worried about you.

A married woman doesn't need to do all that stuff.

-[doorbell rings] -[Archie] Look, honestly,

when I think about what's on my phone. Ugh.

[door knocks]

[Danielle] Suze?

Your husband's here!

OK. Off.

[Cob] Bonjour!

I hear a television. It must be a wedding day!

[football plays over TV]

Oh, here he is, sound of the devil.

OK, Shane, congrats.

I see you're enjoying your last free moments there, quite right!

Take a pew. Liverpool scored.

Utterly convinced,aren't you, if you keep telling me things,

eventually I'm gonna care.

Hello, Phil.

Not even a joke about my wife in those photos?

No? I thought that'd be right up your street.

Feel free to shout cuckold.

That's my daughter.

Well, indeed. Yes, it is.

Yeah!

Not gonna allude to me being unable to satisfy her?

I expected a bit more badinage mate.

What's a cuckold again?

[Jon] You'll find out.

It's a porn thing. When a black guy does it.

OK!

[Ferd] Fucking... Shane, will you move?!

Well, I'm gonna let Naomi deal with that, that bombshell,

I can see it's sending her into an intersectional feminist frenzy.

Good stuff.

[announcer on TV] ...there's not so very much, lad!

Looks like they might win it!

[cheering]

-[door knocks] -[Cob] Excuse me, ladies,

excuse me!

-Don't mind me. -[Karen] Aah!

-[Cob] Hi-ya! -[Karen] Hi-ya, Cob!

Hello.

Sorry about the Eurostar, sounds like a nightmare.

Naughty, aren't you? Coming into the secret chamber!

-I know. -Hello b-law.

Mwah mwah.

Vision.

Do you know, I always forget how tall you are.

How tall is he?

[Karen] He must be six foot two if he's a day.

-He's six foot. -Six two in my heels.

[Grinny] I wouldn't let him out of your sight if I were you, Suzie.

Sorry, they said this was the best place to get changed.

I think Shane's, uh,

-using the loo. -[Grinny] It's good luck.

They say, "Looser the bowels, the truer the vows."

-[Cob] Oh, yeah. -Do you want us to--

Shall we leave while you get changed?

No, no, no, Mum. This is the bride's getting ready space!

[Cob] It's fine. It's a... it's just a,

it's a late hen party for you all, isn't it?

[all laugh]

Suze, you went up for a musical?

Yeah, yeah,

I just thought you know, maybe less getting

murdered and raped

and zombied all the time, you know.

Maybe just a bit more tap dancing.

Oh, are you gonna do a musical?

Yeah. I mean, it's just an audition.

But it's actually, it's a new musical, it's pretty vibey,

it's called "A Party for Monica Lewinsky."

Right.

And who would you be playing?

You know, I've always wanted to be in a chorus line.

It's like my absolute dream.

Why, even in, like, your wildest fantasies,

are you just a faceless chorus member?

I mean, it's... it's your dream.

Mum, you could literally star?

[Cob] Sorry, you're, you're gonna get away from

everything that happened recently by playing

Monica Lewinsky?

Can you even sing?

[Suzie] Yeah... I, I was a professional pop star.

[Cob] Mm-hmm, yeah.

OK.

Um, have you got a bag?

For these...

Don't want to ruin the line.

Yeah, I'll put it in my bag.

Merci beaucoup.

Uh, I'm just gonna check if Shane's out of the toilet.

[Karen] Have you been training?

You're goddamned right I have been.

Have some of this.

[Grinny] Nice hairy chest, haven't you?

Uh, news!

The musical wanna take you up to a dance audition.

It's pretty much what you've done before but the choreographer's only in today.

Can you do it over Skype?

-What today? Like now? -Yeah.

I said the only time that you're free is now?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's, let's do it.

But don't tell Arch. I don't want to pull focus.

No. Let's go.

Can I just put it over here.

Can you see me?

[choreographer] All right, that's good. I can see you.

I just need you to copy what I'm doing, OK?

Keeping it really basic. You'll be fine.

Um, I mean all right.

As long as you can hear me, talk to the beat.

Just going to be like this, OK?

OK!

I've been sent to do the face.

Lucky you.

[Karen] That's nice of you, Naomi.

Yeah.

Sit down, Arch, let's have a look.

Uh, shall we start with the eyes?

Yeah.

We were thinking about Cleopatra.

-Eyeliner... -OK, yeah...

-just straight then-- -Like a flick?

-Yeah. -Sure.

OK. Neat.

Yeah, neat.

Sure.

Um...

well, 'cause I'm used to doing my own,

if I just start here

in the corner and work across.

Nah. Nah. No offence.

What?

You're not equipped.

Mum, look at that!

-Oh fuck! -Oh...

You need to smudge it.

-Smudge it. -Smudge it!

On her wedding day...

fucking hell.

Well, now I've lost confidence.

[choreographer] ...five, six, and seven, eight.

And one, two, three, and four...

No, no, no,you've got to go in.

[choreographer] With me, Suzie?

OK, take it from the top.

Sorry, start again.

-OK. -And a one...

One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight and...

-That's it... -And a one, two, three...

-Now moving forward... -four, five, six...

[Jon] Phil, come on.

[laughing]

Eight... one, two...

[Jon] Celebrate!

No, go away!

I'm doing my tape!

[Karen] What's going on out there then?

Don't film me! What are you doing?

They're going to love it!

I'm so sorry.

Mum, he looked right at me!

[Jon] Bingo!

Sorry, I'm at my sister's wedding.

[Karen] You're not supposed to look!

I didn't see anything. Arch, I didn't see ya!

Oh, it doesn't matter.

OK, I'm gonna have to call you back.

You've probably fucked it with your eyes now!

I didn't see any-- Fuck off! I didn't see anything! Arch!

Well, smash a mirror and cancel it out.

It doesn't work like that, Mum.

[Naomi] Get that, Jon?

[Jon laughs]

[Naomi] She can't control who comes into the garden.

Whatever, it's fine.

Just don't bring this energy into the minivan.

I just don't want youremembering this as Suzie making it all about her.

Well, we'll finish the make-up en route.

["Wedding March" plays]

[buzzes]

Why is it only married people that cry at weddings?

[toilet flushes]

[Karen] Oh, God!

Apparently, I haven't got anywhere to sit

because I'm not supposed to be here.

[Suzie] You are supposed to be here!

You can't just say that and it's true.

It's fine.

[blows loudly]

By the way,

your dad's in a bit of a state about everything.

And he wants me to ask you something.

What?

Right, you're not allowed to get angry with me, all right?

Oh no, here we go.

No, listen, I don't know anything about this, but...

your dad's gonna do a chat with one of the men

from The Sun, just so you know.

What?

It's 30 grand, love.

What? What, what are you talking about?

They just want to talk to him about stuff

and your life, you know.

I mean, it's about all of us, all this.

And Archie is gonna get 30 grand as a gift.

For a deposit.

I mean, have you got her a gift?

Yeah, I've got her a gift!

-I've got her a... -What?

An air purifier that also cools.

Nice. But this is better.

It's a house.

Hang on, Dad's gonna talk to a paper?

Yeah, but he's stressedthat you are gonna get stressed about it.

OK, all right.

All, all right, Mum.

-Just another day-- -It's 30 grand!

By the way, what the fuck are you doing...

-Oh, my God. -...relaying messages for your ex-husband?

I don't know.

-Just... that's all, anyway. -Yeah.

-Right, just don't ask! -All right, Mum!

Fucking hell.

Oh!

Oh, I don't want any more. I just want a bit of cheese.

That's what you wanted, Dad.

Here, you have it.

Shane, come and meet my cousin.

Come on, Shane.

Come on.

All right?

OK.

Mum said you're gonna talk to The Sun?

Why's she making a thing about it?

[Suzie] What, what do you even know about it?

I know my daughter's all over the papers.

No, I'm not all over the papers, Naomi's seen to that.

They're not allowed to print it. It's illegal!

They're doing a piece on

-"the men in your life." -It's stolen property.

What?

Which I do have some feelings about,

actually, historically.

Wow.

I, I mean...

I cannot believe you're gonna try and make money out of this.

I'm not making money out of it.

I'm giving 20 of it to your sister

-as a wedding present... -Right.

...as a deposit for a house.

OK, what about the other ten?

-[man] OK, Phil. -Having a good time?

-Yeah, great. -Lovely. Nice to see the family.

It's just words, Suzie.

It's mental.

They give it to you for words.

I know, Dad, I know.

Don't you think they came to me?

Didn't you think to come to me?

So I have to come to you for permission to talk about my own family,

is that the rule now?

Have you already done it?

You're in charge of the family now, are you?

Apparently, Dad. Yeah, I am.

All I know is your sisteris never gonna be able to buy a house,

and I can't help because--

Because you pissed awayall of your money and then you pissed away all of Mum's--

Because of the collapse of the industry I worked in.

Oh... What?

Fucking...

managing local bands? That industry.

Not just local bands.

And, yeah, do you the internet doesn't affects live music?

I literally paid off your mortgage.

Yeah. And moved it into your Mum's name.

Yeah, because you left the house.

Then I didn't get nothing paid off, did I?

I didn't get nothing. Story of my life.

And now you say I can't say a few words to a bloke

on the phone for a rag that no one reads.

Control, if you wanna control me, you wanna control my voice.

Well, I'm not gonna be controlled anymore.

Hmm.

[Phil] Got it!

Dad's gonna sell a story on me.

And you, I suppose.

[Cob] The point is, nobody has any fucking sense.

[indistinct chatter]

It's hard enough without buying into the whole... They're jackals!

Phil, you'd understand that,

and it fucked their marriage up...

[Phil] Stay sensible--

Jude, Naomi... Naomi, Jude.

-Hi, nice to meet you. -Hi, Jude. Nice to meet you.

-Jude plays netball. -Yes, I remember. Thank you.

[children laughing]

-Want some wine, Jude? -Yes, please.

Thank you. Where are you from?

Do you want this, Ferg?

[Ferg] No, you have it, darlin'.

[Danielle] All right, you two...

I'd like to introduce,

the Father of the Bride.

[applause]

[Phil] Thank you.

Regrets...

-[clears throat] -[audience laughs]

When you have kids,

you think, "Oh God,

I've got to keep them alive,

I've got to keep these little girls alive."

But then you don't just keep 'em alive,

you've got to keep them happy and safe,

and warm and fed

and even that's not enough, you know?

Apparently.

[audience laugh]

"No Daddy, you mustn't shout.

You have to say, 'excuse me' when you burp."

[Jon] Yeah, as if you ever did!

"You shouldn't eat eggs from those battery ones."

I remember Archie saying to me,

"You can't sit on that deckchair, Dad."

On the beach,

"Cause you gotta pay for it."

And I said,

"It's all right! they'll come round."

But she was very cross that whole time,

do you remember, squidge?

"No, you got to pay for it, Daddy!"

And I'm from the '60s,

"Fuck the deckchair man."

[audience laughs and cheers]

So I walk all the way down the beach to find the bloke.

Course when we get back there,

there's these other bastards sat there.

Now, I'm about to lose my absolute...

and there's Archie beaming.

She said,

"They don't even know they're a present, Dad!"

[audience awes]

[Phil laughs]

'Cause that made her day.

-[crying] -[applause]

-That wasn't-- -[Cob] What?

That never happened.

That was me!

[Phil] Someone who makes you into a better man.

Which is what my kids did for me.

So I don't need to think of anything else to say.

'Cause I'm so happy for you.

And um,

it's good to,

and nice to feel something pure.

Because there's not a lot that is.

And you got to remember when something's pure, incha.

OK.

[applause]

[man] Everyone, would like to do a toast to Shane and Archie.

[all] Shane and Archie.

Cheers.

Cheers, love.

[glasses clinking]

["Rock the Casbah" playing]

♪ As soon as the Shareef Was chauffeured outta there ♪

♪ The jet pilots tuned to The cockpit radio blare ♪

♪ As soon as the Shareef Was outta their hair ♪

♪ The jet pilots wailed

♪ The Shareef don't like it

♪ Rock the Casbah

♪ Rock the Casbah

♪ The Shareef don't like it

♪ Rock the Casbah

♪ Rock the Casbah

♪ The Shareef don't like it

♪ He thinks it's not kosher

♪ Rock the Casbah

♪ Rock the Casbah

♪ The Shareef don't like it

♪ Fundamentally can't take it

♪ Rock the Casbah, Rock the Casbah... ♪

[applause and cheers]

[disco music plays]

Your husband's an asshole.

Why is it OK for you to say that to me?

If I said that to you, you'd all explode.

Because it's factually accurate.

I was just saying I find weddings depressing--

No, you were saying they were depressing,

you were claiming it as a fact.

[Naomi] Because it's a fact to me.

It's about the amount of hope.

That's the exact opposite of depressing, surely.

[Naomi] I mean you have thiswoman handed from one man to another man to be owned and--

[Cob] Oh, you don't mean that, you don't even think that.

You're just quoting from some idea which is just as received

and false as yousay marriage is. Just to impress--

[Naomi] OK, OK, that's fine, Cob.

No, no, no,because I could easily play devil's advocate

with that whole who owns what thing.

Ooh, devil's is my favorite kind of advocacy!

-Oh, guys, come on. -[Cob] Oh, good.

OK, well. No, man bash, sure.

-That's, that's genius. -[Naomi] Yeah.

But just... OK, say, for example,

say men wanna be with a woman, right?

Wanna be in a relationship with a woman.

So women say, "Why should I be?

What are you offering me?"

Well, what, what are you offering her?

So men go out and they,

they, they kill animals and they build huts

and they build civilizations, they make an empire,

"What about protecting me? What, what if you're not around."

OK, yeah, good point.

So he goes out and he makes the police force and he makes the army

and he persuades men to die and go to war.

She says, "But what about nice things?

I want nice things."

All right, yeah, OK, fair enough,

so he makes the economy and he builds skyscrapers

-and the fucking concept of money. -Yeah, fucking dicks

-in the sky, man... -She says,

"Why have you got all that stuff? I want some of that stuff.

Why do I have to sit here in this massive house you built me all day?"

So men go, "OK yeah, no, fair enough,

I can appreciate that. Why don't you come in,

why don't you be part of this thing?"

"But I want half of it!"

"Yeah, OK, fine. No, I understand that.

Here you go, why don't you come in and be half of this thing.

I think you're great."

"Ugh! Stop harassing me!

Get the fuck out, this is all mine now. Get out."

"No, well that's not really on, is it?

I built all of this just to impress you."

"I don't care, get out, this is all mine now.

Why the fuck should women be with men

if they can't offer them anything? What is the point?

That is exactly what I'm saying to you!

You're, you're agreeing. You're agreeing!

Basically, men built theworld so women would fuck them and then women are like,

"Give me this world you've built, oh, and also,

we don't want to fuck you anymore."

-[laughing] -Would be the argument.

OK.

Are you married?

-That's my wife. -Yeah, we are.

Yeah.

OK, I'm just trying to liven things up.

It's actually quite depressing.

[Naomi] Let's dance.

[Jude] Let's do it.

[sniffs]

[Cob] You're welcome. I'm going for a piss.

Look after my phone, will you? All your family are thieves.

[Phil] She's made me do this...

[sings "American Pie"]

♪ A long, long time ago

♪ I can still remember how

♪ How that music used To make me smile ♪

♪ And I knew if I had my chance ♪

♪ That I could make Those people dance ♪

♪ And maybe they'd be happy

♪ For a while

♪ But February made me shiver

♪ With every paper I'd deliver ♪

♪ Bad news on the doorstep

♪ I couldn't take One more step ♪

[slaps]

♪ So bye, bye Miss American Pie ♪

♪ Drove my Chevy to the levee

♪ But the levee was dry

Yeah, come on!

[all join in] ♪ Them good 'ole boys

♪ Were drinking Whiskey and rye ♪

♪ Singin' this'll be The day that I die ♪

♪ This'll be the day That I die ♪

Come on!

♪ Did you write The book of love ♪

♪ And do you have Faith in God above ♪

Forget it, by the way.

I'm not doing it anymore.

No papers, no present for Archie.

I'm tired of being the asshole.

You be the asshole.

♪ Well, I know that You're in love with him ♪

♪ 'Cause I saw you dancin' In the gym ♪

♪ You both kicked off Your shoes ♪

♪ Man, I dig those Rhythm and blues ♪

♪ I was a lonely Teenage broncin' buck ♪

♪ With a pink carnation And a pickup truck ♪

♪ But I knew I was out of luck ♪

♪ The day the music died...

Big time.

We were gonna stay at the hotel

but it was like 300 quid and we'd rather just put

that on a deposit for a holiday.

It's better here anyway so he can be sick.

What the fuck does she keep in this room?

Have you ever looked in here?

No.

At least she doesn't keep this out anymore.

[laughs]

She is so mental.

When this was my room

she used to, like, come in and ask me if she should leave Dad.

Did she ever do that to you?

-No! -Um... thanks.

She'd come in and she'd be hammered.

She'd be like,

"Do you think I should leave your father?

You do, don't you?"

Fucking hell. What did you say?

I... I don't know, I was ten!

Did you say yeah?

No, it wasn't me, Arch.

Dad left Mum. The walls are pretty thin.

He's actually,

he's told me not to tell you

'cause he doesn't want you to do favorites,

but he's giving me and Shane like 15 grand

for a deposit on a house, you know.

He's actually sorted a lot out--

Fifteen! OK, but do you actually know--

Why have you got to shit on everything?

I'm not, it's just--

It might not be a lot of money to you, but it's--

-OK, but it's Dad. -It's a wedding present.

'Cause,

don't say anything,

but I reckon I'm up the wotsit.

Are you fucking joking?

You've been wankered all day?!

Well, yeah, that's why I haven't done a test.

I'm not not gonna drink at my wedding, am I?

But you know youshouldn't drink whilst you're pregnant, Arch.

Well, I figured a lot don't stick, do they?

And I reckon if this one can survive

all the shit that I throw at it,

then it really wants to survive

and have a go at life, you know.

Anyway, we're all happy at the minute.

I could drive him back to the hotel.

I haven't drunk anything.

No, he knows where he is here.

Yeah.

OK, good.

No, it's all right, it's all right.

[grunts]

I want you to fuck this bloodline out of me.

Let's get these bad boys off.

This is fucking sexy, right.

-When I take it off. -[Jude] I'll bet it is.

It's fucking sexy.

Come on then.

It takes quite a long time.

Well hurry up!

There it is.

Wow!

Merry Christmas.

Pretty fucking hot, right?

Mmm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. You just wait!

You just wait.

Oh, yeah.

I love your hair.

Oh, well, you're in luck, baby.

'Cause there's plenty more where that came from.

I thought you loved my hair.

I do love your hair, I just...

I wanna see your face.

Oh, hello.

Were you bitten by a shark?

It's a caesarean scar.

Oh.

It's a long time ago.

Oh God, it's not dead, is it?

What?

No!

She's on holiday in Greece.

She's seventeen.

Oh, wow.

[Jude] This is, um...

like my first night out since I was 20.

Welcome back!

Stop, listen...

-[door unlocking] -[woman giggling]

-Shh... -[Karen and Phil fumbling]

[Karen giggling] You dirty bastard, get off!

-Uh... I, I think it's... -Did you hear that?

[Phil] Go on, get up those stairs so I can do you properly,

-you naughty girl. -Did you hear that?

-[Cob] Shh, shh... -Oh, my God!

Just...

No, no, no, no!

Oh, my God, it's Mum and Dad!

It's fucking Mum and Dad.

It's not ideal.

I think we broke your mum's sink.

[laughs] Yeah...

...you set off then, you're all right.

Mum, I'm going to transfer 15 grand to Dad,

so just make sure Archie gets the full 15, yeah?

Yeah, I heard you!

Yeah, but how are you gonna to do that?

I dunno,I'll look at the bank, won't I?

But you don't have access to Archie's bank account.

Just ask her how much Dad gives her

and make sure it's the full 15. Yeah?

-Yeah. -Yes?

Yeah, all right, all right.

It's a bit early.

Go on. Go on, off you go, before it gets busy.

[Phil] Karen! Make us a tea, love!

Everyone had to stop over last night. Bloody mad house.

All right, I'll see ya later.

-Yeah. -See ya. Bye.

Ta-ra, love. Off you go.

[folk music playing]

[Naomi] Hello, Pickles.

Can I bum a ciggie before we go get fingered in the railway arches?

I think we should stop talking like that in front of him, OK?

I'm worried he's absorbing stuff all the time,

like a big sanitary towel full of my gross...

blah.

You mean stuff like that?

I need you to get me something from the chemist.

[whispers] The morning after pill.

Slag...

Come on...

[man playing guitar]

♪ Day light

♪ It leads me back your way

♪ Fallin'

♪ Into my mind again

♪ I'll say this

♪ I miss you more, my friend

♪ Sonny got a job And Jean left home ♪

♪ Jackie took a chance And went alone ♪

♪ And I can feel The road up under my feet ♪

♪ Years flew by And the poor in vain ♪

♪ And hear you Calling my name ♪

♪ I can feel The road up under my feet ♪

♪ Wake me up

♪ When the morning comes

♪ Wake me up...

I really wanna be in a musical.

I think they'll offer, you know.

No, I mean all the time.

I know... s-sorry.

Right, uh...

[sighs]

♪ I miss you, my old friend

♪ Sonny got a job And Jean left home ♪

♪ Jackie took a chance And went alone ♪

♪ I can feel The road up under my feet ♪

♪ Years flew by And the poor in vain ♪

♪ And hear you Calling my name ♪

♪ And I can feel The road up under my feet ♪

♪ Wake me up

♪ When the morning comes

♪ Wake me up...