Original subtitles

[panting]

-[animals screeching] -[gasps]

[Cob] Who is it, Suzie?

I want--I want you to tell me.

I want you to feel safe. Whatever happens,

I will not be angry. Okay?

Go.

[animals screeching]

[Suzie] It's Carter.

♪ Fuck me up Fuck me up ♪

♪ Yo, sit down

♪ Shut up, Shut up

♪ Hey, boy Hush up ♪

[electronic music continues]

♪ Yo sit up Shut up ♪

♪ Hey boy Hush up ♪

[Cob gasps]

[laughing]

Are you very angry?

I'm not angry.

[Cob] Hm?

Because you should be.

Who else knows?

Well, he knows obviously that it's him.

Mm-hmm.

And Naomi knows?

No.

Well, I think she may have found out

just because I told her.

Hm, okay.

If we're gonna make this work,

you have to tell me... the truth.

'Cause I know we have a beautiful child

and a beautiful home.

I don't care about any of that.

Although, I mean, obviously I care about the child.

So...

that being said,

obviously you can't work with him anymore.

Obviously.

Mm.

Obviously.

In the future.

You can't keep doing the show, Suze.

No, but I just mean financially.

We both know it's the shitty genre thing

where your breasts get covered in blood every few episodes,

it's not exactly--

Yeah, I know. I just mean, I just mean, like in...

sort of...

house...

uh, bills, life-being-possible scheme of things.

Well, I have a job.

Yeah.

Not that you've ever...

been to campus or seen it.

But I promise I do have a job.

Yeah, I know and that's great.

It's just... it doesn't...

You know, it's not my fault the world values

the wrong things, is it?

And we're about to start a second series.

-What the f... -It's what they'll say.

Consequences are hard.

[phone rings]

What is that?! What fucking is that?

It's the landline. It's the phone!

[phone rings]

[theme music plays]

[phone rings]

Hello?

It's me, it's me. How are you doing?

Oh, God. Hi.

Uh, fine, yeah.

[Naomi on phone] Quick update.

I've called all the papers

and pointed out the photos are stolen.

So if they print, we sue. But...

I just had to yell at one guy

for printing a photo of your house

-to illustrate the story. - [gasps]

'cause they're sulking they can't run with you sucking a dick.

Is--is--is it recognizable?

The house I mean, not the dick...

Yeah, yeah, no, the street name's on it and everything.

-Oh, fuck. -Yeah, but I'm all over it, I'm going to get you in...

a room with some Reputation Management people.

[Suzie] Ugh, God.

So I pay for that, do I?

Yeah, or we go the other way.

We go front foot. Take control. Refuse to be shamed.

You publish a nude, we publish a nude.

You send one of ours to the sex hospital,

we send one of yours to the sex morgue.

I--I publish more nudes? I haven't got any more nudes.

I take more nudes?

Uh, no.

Hey! Sorry, one minute, one minute.

Hey! Oh!

Wow!

Did you draw this at school?

[gasps]

-Baby! -[Naomi] Suze? Hello? Suze...?

Just to go back, so my address is out there?

Yeah. Uh, and also, I looked up

Sarah Jones just to check her out. Her Instagram shows her

as blonde now and always wearing a yellow jacket.

Sorry, a yellow jacket?

Yeah, so don't freak out.

It looks like she's obsessed with Gemma Collins now,

-which is great. -Oh, that's nice,

stalking the stalker.

Uh...

okay, look, I-I'll call you... yeah, I'll call you back.

[Naomi] No, no--

Come here, come here, come here, come here.

Did you draw this?

Because I know you said you drew this

and I love you whatever,

okay, but no lying.

You must tell the truth. Did you draw this?

Or...

did you find it?

Where?

Where? Frank... where?

-[creak] -[animal roars]

[electronic beat plays]

[snarling]

[director] Cut!

Reset, we're going to go again.

Okay, okay. Suzie, look, it's feeling casual.

Can you scream while you're running?

-You know, really vocalize the terror. -Scream?

The idea being that you're screaming for help so...

Yeah, um...

no, it's just like...

sorry, screaming and running, but I'm...

I'm--I'm trying to lose him though,

so it... you know...

Sorry, Suzie.

I mean, the screaming,

that's just gonna bring him to me, right?

It sort of negates the running.

No, I think it doubles it!

Yeah, I mean, I don't think I've ever actually screamed

in my life ever, if I've been afraid.

What, so you're saying screaming isn't associated with fear?

No, I'm not. I'm just saying that it's not,

it's not something I would do.

-What would you do? -Um...

-What, if I was uh... -If you were being chased by a Nazi zombie, yeah.

I'd hide.

[director] Almost like there's something

not as dramatic about staying still

-as there is about running and screaming. -It's trying to find her,

kill her. Tension's dramatic.

[director] We're set up for the run.

Yeah, I mean, just... you do your... you do it. I-I'm--

-You're saying that's what you'd do? -Yeah.

I'm saying that. Yeah, I would just,

like, find somewhere and wait and hope.

I'd hope they didn't find... hope they didn't find me.

[Carter chuckles]

Let's set up for that then.

-That's massive. -It's a better scene.

Sorry, Daniel.

[director] Okay, guys, changing set up.

-Suzie! -[gasps]

Sorry, there's a woman looking for you, visiting set?

-What does she look like? -Uh, I don't know really...

Does she have blonde hair, yellow jacket?

-I'm not sure, I haven't seen her. -Does she look a bit like...

oh, I don't even know what you say nowadays,

but look sort of day release...

-stalker vibes... -I don't know, I'm sorry.

-[Carter] Suze! -Yeah.

-[Carter] Suze! -[director] We need more zombies, mate.

[sighs]

I'm so sorry.

I am so fucking sorry.

Don't. Are you... are you very angry?

Are you kidding?

I'm incan-fucking-descent!

Not with you!

Do they know what bastards done this?

I will find them and--and physically ass-rape them.

Okay, thanks.

-But... you--you don't have to do that. -I know.

U-um, Naomi's on the tech and the law stuff.

So I'm just...

-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. -Look, I don't care

I don't care who sees my cock, Suze.

This is unbelievable what's happened to you,

and I want you to know you have

everyone's support here.

If anyone says a single thing to you

or makes you feel uncomfortable in any way,

I'll fire them.

Thank you, thank you.

But no, don't.

Uh, don't do that.

I mean, doesn't your wife have any suspicions?

I don't think she's even heard anything.

She doesn't read celebrity news and all that stuff.

Well, I had to tell Cob.

I did, you know, I had to tell him and...

I mean, it was-- it was pretty...

-You must have had a nightmare. -Yeah, it was bad.

And I told him it had happened like three times.

And that it was completely over between us.

And is that true?

Three just sounded like a believable number.

I mean the last part.

It's me!

It's me, I have lanyards.

-Hi. Hi, babe. -Hi.

I'm great, great.

You remember, you know Carter?

More intimately now. You won't remember

-we met at the-- -Of course, I remember. Naomi Jones.

Born Naomi Duribchi. Your, um, your hair is longer.

Okay, what do you want, a memory medal?

Look, can I just say if there's anything

I can do at all? If...

making some sort of statement helps?

It doesn't help.

It doesn't look great, whatever way. Fucking the boss.

The boss fucking her. Old school, new school,

it's not a great school to go to.

I'm not her boss.

You're married with four kids.

Actually one of his kids is...

just died.

Shit. Sorry.

Yeah.

Thing is, I love her, Naomi.

I really fucking love her.

I took a photo of us making love because I...

I love her fucking smile and, yes, I love it near my penis.

And so we took pictures with her phone

because I wanted her to see how beautiful she looked

doing those things, which is my biggest regret

-because this would never... -Shh!

And now I feel like absolute shit.

But I am a shit that loves her, top to bottom.

So you tell me what you need.

I need a place to talk to the police

who get here in minus ten.

Um, okay, but we're about to set up the shot...

No, it's okay, it's fine.

You can use my trailer.

Okay.

[Suzie] I--I know what you're thinking,

and no we haven't had sex in here.

Well, it smells like someone has.

It's the fucking septic tank.

[groans]

Okay, just so you know, I'm...

I'm probably gonna have to leave the show.

What show?

This show.

You know, it's not-- it's not workable. I mean, you can imagine.

No! No, no, no. Do you want to leave the show?

No, I don't wanna leave the show.

Of course, I don't wanna leave the show!

It's my only job apart from the Disney job.

Yeah, okay, so...

-yeah, I wrote to Disney... -Oh, God.

explaining that it was fake images

but turns out they're a bit of an expert

on what's real and what's not on the screen. Who knew?

Oh, shit.

[knocking on door]

[door opens]

-Yes? -Sorry, Suzie, there's a...

police officer here for ya!

Oh, yeah, yeah.

It's exciting, isn't it!

[Suzie laughs]

-[Suzie] Hi! -This is, uh, Suzie.

-I'm PC Simon Niven. -Hi, it's me.

-It's nice to meet you... -Nice to meet you.

in person.

I mean, as opposed to on telly

not in those photos.

No, I mean, I get that. I get that.

I'm gonna return you your phone.

Great, great.

There.

there's no malware on it,

no indication that anyone

has broken into the device itself.

We trust you, obviously, there's been an invasion of privacy.

You trust us?

Yeah, I mean, why would we be lying?

Oh, no. No, no, no.

The cloud you back everything up on

has clearly been compromised. Eh...

Do you use the same password for that as for everything else?

Yeah, I mean, it's my password.

Uh, yeah. Yeah, that's just not ideal.

Yeah, no, I know they tell you to have like multiple passwords.

But it's just not realistic. You know, I'm not--I'm not

a computer brain. I'm not,

I can't remember all these things all the time,

-like names and passwords, lowercase, -Yeah, but okay,

-you know, and now punctuation... -it's--its...

it's illegal, isn't it?

It's stolen property.

Yeah. Well...

It's just...

We actually have quite a small digital team

-in the Metropolitan Police. -Okay.

So you're not going to do fucking anything.

We--we will investigate but we...

we do have to focus resources

on terrorism and pedophilia.

Of course. Oh, of course.

Unfortunately, we can't afford to

prioritize crimes where the victims contribute

to their own victimization.

Okay, so the skirt on her phone's a bit short?

Well, maybe, I can help?

How about a nice image to put online?

A photo from the set of AfterDeath is bound to get more hits!

-[Niven chuckles] -Yeah, sure.

-Come over here. -Yeah, there you go, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Ah, nice one for us. Cheers, cheers.

Yeah, how do you the...?

[mumbles]

Let me do it 'cause...

-Sorry, this is because of my mates. -No, it's all right.

I'll be a zombie! [groans and chuckles]

-That's cracking, that. -There you go, mate.

-That's great. Thanks so much,thank you very much. -Thank you.

-Great to meet you, you know. -Oh, sorry.

-It's all right, yeah. Um... -Bye!

-Ta-ra. Nice one. -Bye.

How do you get out of here?

Sorry, sorry...

Use the handle!

-Right. -Mm.

-Bye. -Bye-bye, PC Niven.

Ta-ra.

Oh, my God!

[woman on radio sings in foreign language]

[creaking]

Whoo!

[Suzie] God, sorry.

Sorry, you just made me jump. I didn't hear you come in.

Okay, well, I just came in on my legs as per.

Um, I need...

Dishwasher needs salt.

Sorry, what?

The dishwasher. I need to add some salt.

So...

Are you joking?

What, like...?

Salt?

Yeah.

You put salt in the dishwasher.

Who does?

Everyone. It keeps it working.

All right, is this like you put salt in the dishwasher,

you put pepper in the kettle,

you put ketchup down the shitter?

Are you losing your...

is this... are you losing your mind? Dishwasher salt.

Dishwasher salt.

Okay. This, this isn't...

This isn't funny, yeah?

I'm not from dishwasher country.

Okay, well, I am from dishwasher country.

And we do things differently there. What is that?

[Cob] What did you do?

[upbeat horn music plays]

What was that?

-What? -Did you hear that?

What? What is it?

Am I being mad? Am I being mad?

What?

I didn't--I didn't tell you because it's...

it's just another thing that I have fucked up,

but our address is out there.

In the paper and, and so...

Our house? Where we live with our...

-human son. -Yes, and so, I...

This address.

Yeah, and so, you know,

Naomi is really worried about

fucking crazy fucking stalker lady,

you know, Sarah what's... what's-her-name?

Anyway, look, I dunno,

maybe I'm, um, I'm-- maybe just being para.

-Righteo! -Oh, no... it--it's...

It's fine.

-It's not fine, Suzie. It's not fine at all. -It's fine.

I need to go and check there isn't a psychopath in our house.

[door shuts]

[woman sings in foreign language]

Hey, how are you?

[Naomi] Yeah, how are you?

Uh, yeah, I'm good. What's going on with you?

-What's going on with you? -All right, look at one point

one of us is actually gonna have to answer.

Okay, so I floated the idea to the producers

about you exiting the show...

Yeah, did they go fucking mad?

-Yeah. -Well...

Don't say that!

I can't explain to them why, can I?

-Well... -And they're being ridiculously supportive

about the hack.

Don't they suspect it's

their fucking showrunner in the photos?

Let me tell them.

Let's "Me Too" him to fuck.

No, don't do that! It's deeply...

No, just...

But what am I supposed to do, right?

They're threatening to sue you.

All right, don't worry. I'll call Carter.

Carter will sort it out.

He's the problem!

Fuck's sake!

Such a fucking coward.

What? What?

[door closes]

-I've written youthis great arc. -[Suzie] Yeah.

I've talked you through it.

Yeah, I know, I know, but it's not unreasonable.

It's the only thing that he demands.

So you're gonna walk off the show?

Just...

write me out, just kill me.

Just kill me, okay?

No one will mind!

Just...

just, you're so good at Zombie fighting, hunting...

-[groans] -Nazi stuff like you always said you would.

[laughs]

[Suzie] Stop!

Look, this is-- this is nonsense!

Because of--because of physical love?

Yeah, a--a visual representation

of some physical love.

I mean, did they find who did this?

It's my fault.

They gave me my phone back.

Look, this isn't-- this isn't something

you should lose your livelihood over.

You--you can't be punished twice.

But it's not about the hack, it's about the "us."

Well, if the issue is us working together,

then I should be the one to go.

Okay, well that's... that is mad!

Obviously that's mad, you can't...

well, it's your show.

It's not my show,

it's everyone who works on it, we're a family.

Well, if we're a family, then this is incest.

So what are we gonna do?

-So what are we gonna do? -Look, you...

Look, I...

I love you.

And you can't go making life decisions

based on not upsetting people

and doing what they tell you to.

Well, sorry that I do that.

Okay? I'm sorry that I do that, but then just...

tell me what I should do.

-[groans] You're an idiot! -[laughs]

But you're brilliant! [grunts]

Course I'm not going to let you go.

-Ow... -Mwah!

Hm?

[sighs]

I'm just so frightened all the time.

I'm just so frightened all the time, you know?

I re... I'm just... frightened all the time.

Yeah, I know.

You've got egg on your top.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it's, it's kid carnage at the moment.

Genevieve's away.

Look...

You can't leave the show.

It's not fair.

You have to go and tell him that.

-I'll come with you. -No!

-I'll talk to him! -Don't do that!

Obviously, don't do that. Okay?

It's completely inapp-- it's my life.

Promise me you won't do that.

-Well, promise me you'll fight. -Well...

[giggling]

Oh, don't 'cause... we should--

She's, uh, she's here to see Mr. Betterton.

Apparently, um, he's her husband.

Yeah. I haven't visited before.

-Which is bad of me... -Come with me. He's in Lecture hall C.

Doesn't she need to sign in?

For security?

Suzie Pickles isn't here to bomb us, is she?

If she is, that'd be strange.

Happy to go that way. [chuckles]

It was written in the late 1400s

by two German inquisitors

and, um, I thought maybe we could try it out on someone here.

Who wants to volunteer? Anyone?

All you have to do is sit in a chair.

Valerie, why don't you come down?

There you go.

Have a pew, my friend.

Here she is. Uh...

Valerie,

did you steal all the penises?

-Yeah, I did. -You did, didn't you?

-I have all the penises. -She has all the penises. I knew it.

Okay, here's what we're gonna do.

We are going to make Valerie confess. Okay?

Okay...

To being a witch.

Okay, uh, so Valerie,

what do you think you might be accused of?

Um, I dunno...

killing a baby?

Killing a baby. Right! Okay!

[chuckles]

That escalated quickly.

Um, no, um, sorry...

being in league with Satan?

[Cob] Well, that's good, actually. That's good.

But that's much more European.

Truthfully, it would be something much more prosaic.

So it would be like a bad year for crops.

Okay, and what do you think a jury would want to hear?

[student] Evidence.

[Cob] Evidence, yeah!

And, luckily, there is agreed physical evidence

that proves being a witch. You're gonna like this...

a bleeding mark... where your familiar suckles.

[Valerie chuckles]

Yeah. Okay.

[Cob] Okay?

So to prove your innocence to us,

show us you don't have one of those anywhere.

Go on.

[Valerie] No.

[Cob] Really?

It seems like you have something to hide.

What do you want me to do?

[whispering] I think you know.

No?

[eerie whispers]

She's a witch!

That was easy, wasn't it? Anyone else, who's next?

Sorry, you're hung, pressed or drowned. Hanged.

[discordant music plays]

[Cob] Hiya.

[Suzie] God...

Sorry.

Ooh!

So I came to university earlier.

-Did you? -Yeah.

I thought you were right about me not visiting.

They didn't seem to know we were married.

What do you mean? I wear a ring.

No, that it's me.

Oh, that it's you.

Oh.

Why didn't I see you there?

Uh, you were doing a lecture and then, um,

I had to go and get some dry cleaning.

Did you, um... [clears throat]

-talk to any of the producers or anybody... at all? -Ah...

Cob, this whole, like,

everything's fine, politeness.

I'd rather you were just fucking angry with me.

I'd rather you were just shouting.

Oh, you would, would you? You'd rather that? Oh, okay.

Well, if Suzie wants something...

No, it's not what Suzie wants.

It's not what I want, it's just if that's

-how you feel... -Okay, if I just-- if I get angry,

then you'll just get all victimy and tell me I remind you

-of your dad. -Yeah, you like it when I'm victimy!

You like it.

You like it. It's the only time you feel comfortable.

-What?! -Yeah.

Yeah! Yeah, you like it. You like it.

You like it when I'm small or--or without a job.

You know what's amazing to me,

actually...

You know, you know what-- No. No, I will not...

I won't play the victim.

Baby, it is your greatest role to date.

[chuckles]

-So I saw your lecture today. -Mm.

I saw you bring someone up on stage. Some...

some young girl and ask her if "she has all the penises,"

-in this economy? -My God,

-you cannot believe anythingisn't about you, can you? -Asking, no hang on a minute--

-You're such a narcissist. -asking her to get undressed

in front of everyone.

That is the whole point, it's about demonstrating that

you can't prove a negative without dehumanizing people.

Do you know what, forget it. Fucking forget it!

If you'd ever read a fucking book in your life,

-you might have... -If I ever--if I ever... I've written a book!

Oh, please, it's hardly a book, is it?

And it was ghost written.

Fuck's sake.

You know, I feel sorry for you, Cob.

I feel... no, I feel embarrassed for you.

-You feel embarrassed for me? -Yeah. I feel embarrassed for you.

-Embarrassed? Of moi? -Yeah. Yeah.

You're the one who should be embarrassed, mate.

-Why? Why should I be embarrassed? -[Cob laughs]

No, go on say it.

Why should I be embarrassed? Say it!

Incredible. You genuinely think that

-you're the victim here, don't you? -Why should I...

be embarr-- I... it's my work, Cob!

Yes, it's my fucking work.

I--I pay for, I pay for everything in this house!

I pay for everything. Even your PhD.

You know, I shouldn't be punished twice!

Fine! Do it then. Don't quit the show.

Fucking carry on!

Where are you going?

[Cob] Somebody has to go and get Frankie!

Oh, God.

[groans]

[groans]

[door slams]

[woman singing on TV]

You know, it occurs to me, um...

that, uh...

if you're in a room

with a guy...

just you and, like if I'm in a room alone with a man,

most of the time,

I don't know who would win in a fight between us.

Yeah?

But with you with a man,

he could always...

he could kill you.

[scoffs]

[Cob] Like, I could kill you...

right now.

And that must make for a different experience.

Yeah.

Look, it makes sense.

If a man is in a room with you,

you know, a man who you are...

in thrall to economically...

and he wants to take pictures of you.

That...

must be quite frightening.

You know, I get it.

Yeah, I mean...

you know, no--no more than normal. But, um...

Yeah, I totally, uh, take on your point.

Yeah, I don't mean to come over all Germaine Greer.

[banging]

[footsteps]

-[Carter] Hey! -[gasps]

Hey. Sorry, sorry. I didn't mean to freak you out.

What are you doing here?!

-Hi. -Oh, my God! Hi.

Look, I needed to come and tell you,

so you could see my eyes.

I can't see your eyes, it's so fucking dark.

-I--I told her. -Stop!

-Look, I told Genevieve that it's me, -What?

-that it's us in the pictures. -Why?! Why would you do that?

-You wouldn't need to leave the show if we were together. -Why?

We love each other, bae.

You let me come on your tits six hours ago.

-That means something. -I didn't do very much.

-Stop. -Look... look,

-I'll talk to him. Okay? -No!

We'll sort it out like grownups,

like in a Woody Allen film.

Please, your voice!

Your voice is so loud, it really carries.

The air... no, listen to me,

the air out here, it's so still.

-We can be-- we can be together. -No!

-"No"? So--so why did you come by today? -I don't know...

Why did we just do that?

Carter, you're being crazy.

You have to... You're crazy! Stop it!

-Let's do it. -No...

Let--let's jump!

Stop! Stop! Please! No, please, I can't!

I can't do that right now.

I--I just told my wife! What the fuck am I meant to do now??

Shh! I don't know!

[Carter] I can't believe you're doing this to me.

Doing what? I'm not doing anything!

Look, can you just tell me if we're doing this,

'cause I'm just gonna have to crawl back to Genevieve

-on my hands and knees right now. -I can't. I can't do it.

-Sorry. I can't--can't right now. -You can.

-No! -You can, you can.

No, stop it!

Okay, okay, right well.

All right, I understand now, don't I? Cool.

Then we can't work together, obviously, now I've told her.

And so, now my life's fucked.

I'm sorry. I'm just--

There goes my marriage.

And now I'm gonna have to write you

-out of every fucking episode! -Shh!

-Fine! No, fine! -Shh!

Sorry.

Fucking car...

Where's my car?

-[door creaks] -Are you all right?

Yeah, sorry, I just...

What? What is it? Is it her?

-Is someone out there? -No, it's not.

No. No, no, stop!

No, because you've had a drink, don't.

There's no one there, it's just me,

I'm just being para. I'm just...

I'm--I'm losing my mind, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, am I going mad?

I'm going mad.

-You are not going mad. -I am going mad.

It's just... it's like...

it's just so much.

It's just so much with the stalker.

-Yeah, well, they tend to do that, don't they? -And I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Because you were right. Of course, you're right.

Of course, I have to leave the show.

You know, I told them.

And I--I don't know what I was thinking, you know,

I--I just thought they would be angry with me.

But you're right. It's just a stupid fucking show.

I'm sorry... I love...

I get that, I love you.

-It's okay, it's okay, it's okay. -I'm sorry.

Come here.

-Come here. -I'm sorry.

You're fine. Come on.

Come on, let's get you to bed. Okay?

I'll sleep down here tonight.

It's okay.

I'm just...

I'm just gonna do the alarm.

Okay. Good thinking.

[rustling]

[upbeat music plays]

[woman sings in foreign language]