Original subtitles

I like your hair.

This is much nicer than the other room.

This is the better room.

I don't think he's, um, going to come.

I think he just wants me to have to tell you.

Well, I know I said we should wait

-but perhaps if this is... -[door opens]

[Rose] Hello, Cob.

So sorry I'm late, Rose. Um...

child care issues.

[Rose clears throat]

Well, I would say it's nice to see you both again

but I suppose I wouldn't be unless something's happened.

[Cob] Suzie is not living at the house anymore, Rose.

Oh.

Because...

Um...

Okay, so, um...

someone...

s-somehow has...

had access to my phone

or, um, hacked...

my phone and...

downloaded--downloaded photos.

And there was a photo of me

on there with someone else, sexually.

Very clearly someone else.

-Right. -Mm-hmm.

Gosh. That must be quite a shock.

-I'll fucking say. -And...

and Cob assumes that that means

that I'm being unfaithful.

Yeah...

Hmm, why would I...

why would I possibly--Oh!

Of course, I get it now,

because I'm insane.

Right? Because seeing something with your own eyes

has absolutely...

no meaning, right? That's...

This is gas-lighting.

Uh, what's--what's happening with Franky?

[Cob laughs]

Frank. Um, so...

[Suzie groans]

he's, uh, he's fine. You know, I mean,

I am...

I'm coming into the house at, like, 6 a.m. to wake him up,

and, um...

-and then leaving -[Cob chuckles]

and then coming back at the end of the day.

I think he's fine.

I think he's fine,

um, I don't think he realizes, you know,

except this weekend, when we're going to the convention but...

[Cob] Whose cock is it?

Whose cock is it?

It's what we're here for.

Let's just--we're here now, we're there.

Whose cock is it? Suzie...

[Cob whispers] Whose cock is it?

-Do you, I mean... -Whose cock is it? Whose cock is it?

Whose cock is it? Whose cock is it?

Yeah.

-Do you want me to answer that? -Whose cock is it?

-I don't... -Whose cock is it?

Whose fucking cock is it?!

[light piano plays]

[whimpers]

-[Naomi] I've got it. -Shit!

You don't have to keep giving me your bed.

[Naomi] I know I don't have to.

It's so cold. How long have you been sat there?

I've got a plan.

We go to the convention, as booked,

but our attitude is, "Fuck you, fake news, you lose."

No, that just-- that sounds horrific.

But not going makes it look like it is you and you care.

It is me. And I do care.

[Naomi] Let's not dignify it with a response.

No comment from us and it all goes away.

Mmm...

I really need my phone!

Yeah, the police still have it. But you've got this one,

it has all your same contacts and names in it.

It just can't go online. Which is good.

Why, what are they saying?

[Naomi] Yeah, you don't need to see that.

Why, is it bad?

Uh... nay.

[groans]

But the whole convention is just gonna be sat there,

you know, they're just gonna be sat there,

and they're just gonna be looking at my tits

and thinking about me sucking cock.

Yeah, but they always are, babe.

You get dressed.

[theme music plays]

-[Naomi] Are you all right? -Yeah.

Don't forget, no photos or signing anything

until you're on the official table.

-We make no reference to the hack at all. -female fan] Hi Suzie!

Thanks very much!

Also, I've cancelled the Q&A.

So don't answer any questions.

Look at all these people that love you!

Thanks!

-Hi! -Thanks very much.

-I love you. -Hi.

Okay, that's great, thank you.

[fan] Captain Bria!

We don't mention the real world at all.

Nobody cares here!

-Nobody cares about the photos! -Right?

All they care about is Captain Bria!

-Yeah, and see, there's not gonna be a Q&A. -Right.

-Oh, thank you. -So just go out there and be a smiley,

charming badass like a badass on badass patrol.

-Or don't if you don't want to.Just do what you want. -Okay.

-Okay. -And also can you try

and talk about AfterDeath rather than

the sci-fi that you did twelve years ago.

-But nobody watches AfterDeath.-Yeah, they do.

Well, then, why do I never meet any of them?

Because viewing figures don't matter anymore.

Oh, right, it only matters who clicks on it?

Yeah, and, well, that doesn't matter either but--

So what does matter?

[assistant] Excuse me, they're ready for you.

Shh. Okay. Let's go.

-Okay, great. -Yeah.

[Suzie] Thank you.

Okay, let's welcome to the stage,

the real Captain Bria, Suzie...

-[Raptor] Pickles! -Have I got something hanging out my nose?

No, you're good, you're good.

Thank you!

[Raptor] She is gorgeous...

Shall I go this way? Or this way? Hi!

Here's your mic.

Thank you!

Welcome along.

Shall I just hold this, like this?

-Yeah, however you like! -Like I think that's normal?

Yeah, that's fine!

Um, all right, so...

you all know, uh, Suzie from her varied career,

of course, from Quo Vadis.

and more recent stuff as well, uh, the soap stuff ...

Yeah, but we don't mention that!

[Raptor] All right, and of course,

AfterDeath, which is on streaming now.

Yeah, that's right.

And who doesn't love Nazi Zombies?

Brilliant. Um, okay, so usually we do a

Q&A format, uh, I think today we're just gonna have a conversation

-between us so... -[crowd boos]

[Raptor] Oh, no, the masses are revolting!

They've queued for hours to talk to you, Captain Bria.

[crowd chants] Do it! Do it! Do it!

Uh, no, no, no. I love Q&A! No, I love Q&A...

I wanna... you know, I wanna talk directly to them.

-Yeah? -You know,

I--I love you guys.

All right, great!

Uh, let's go to some questions then.

Are the mics out there somewhere? Uh...

Guy with the beard. Uh, no... uh, no...

Yeah, you, there you go! Yeah.

Hi, Suzie.

[Suzie] Hello! How are you? I love your top.

Oh, thank you, Suzie.

[chuckles]

In Quo Vadis, your character

dies at the end of the series,

but if she did that,

uh, Captain Bria couldn't go back to where we found her

in the first episode on the ship.

Um...

It would make sense

if it was in a different dimension.

Yeah, it would,

and I've never closed down that reading,

but you know, if I'm, um...

if I'm just really honest,

I was just thinking about getting into

that bloody catsuit every week.

I mean jumpsuit!

Jumpsuit! Yeah, uh, well,

it is funny you should mention the jumpsuit, Suzie,

-because, uh, we did a little research mission of our own. -Yep.

Um, and we found the jumpsuit from Quo Vadis.

[crowd cheers]

Um, yeah, the real one!

So let's bring it out.

You're joking.

Oh! There it is.

-Look at it! -Is it actually the real one?

It's the real one from the archives, yeah.

-[crowd] Put it on! -Oh. Do you need a moment?

I just remember the smell!

All right, well, got some other questions

whilst you reacquaint yourself with the jumpsuit.

So, uh, yes, the lady on the side...

-Hi, Suzie. -[Suzie] Hi.

Hi, I'm so sorry to hear about those pictures.

It's such an invasion of privacy.

I can't even imagine!

[fan] But it's great to see you here today.

Thank you so much.

[fan] So how have you been coping?

Yeah, um...

[Raptor] Yeah...

-Okay, can we move it along? -Yeah... I--I--I don't,

I don't really think this is the venue.

-In fact, I--can I just take this... -[Raptor] Yeah.

-moment to... before we get started. -Yeah, of course you can.

Okay, um...

So, um...

Look, I just wanted to say that there are-- there were some...

there were some photos

posted online last week.

Uh...

Supposedly of me, stolen from me,

in some mass hack

and I just wanna say that even though I have no issue with...

whatever it is that person's supposed to be doing in the photo,

um, it's not me.

No, I mean...

I wish I was that thin!

No, it's a fake.

[stammering] You know--

You know Black Mirror ? It's very Black Mirror -y,

whatever, we're all doomed.

Anyway, I just, I just wanted to put that to bed,

you know, and um,

I don't know if there's anything to take away from today,

um...

-don't wank to lies, kids. -[Raptor] Yes...

Uh, good advice.

[crowd cheers]

Yes, thank you for that. All right, uh...

-[Suzie] Sorry,that was a bit... blue. -No, that's--no, that's fine.

It's completely understandable you would say

it wasn't you,

but there are other details in the pictures.

Uh, like--like, the necklace you were wearing,

-[crowd boos] -uh, for example.

I mean, which you've worn it on other occasions.

[Suzie] Yeah, I don't think--

So I'm just giving you an opportunity

...to be talking about this. This feels very...

Because it is a penis of color...

-in the pictures... -Jesus!

-You know what, I--Oh, my God! -Yeah, Okay. That's enough now.

is that the reason why you're trying to distance yourself?

Sorry, I was just...

I was just wondering if I could still fit into this.

Yes, well, are we insured for that?

Well, I guess I'm doing it!

All right, off she goes

to change into the jumpsuit.

Very shortly she'll be back--

-I'll see you in a second. -All right, see you in a second.

Maybe a minute. Who knows?

-What the fuck?! -There you go, that's what you came for

Do it! Do it!

They should just chuck her out.

Stand up!

I said, "Don't do questions."

They, they just sat there,

they just sat there waiting!!

I can't wear this, it's gonna make me panic!

-All right, let me get it off. -Can you get it off?

Can you take this please?

[Naomi] You're looking good, babe!

[Raptor] Here she is!

Sorry, it's a bit-- it's a bit tight!

I actually can't breathe in this!

I feel really self-conscious that I've got camel toe.

[phone chimes]

[man] Excuse me.

[Suzie] Sorry. I'm so sorry.

Why, what have you done?

Are you here selling your soul, too?

What on earth is that phone? You're not a dealer, are you?

My other phone's in police custody.

Liquid sustenance please!

[Suzie] You made a sex tape!

- What happened? - So, okay... so, so...

one of the girl's moms finds the tape hidden in the bottom of the wardrobe.

She digs it out. She of course,

goes fucking ballistic and spare

and then the girls denied it

and said that I forced them to do it

and that they never wanted to do a threesome

even though they were laughing the whole way through.

And so, the mother then wrote to my agent.

I can't, I don't even remember hearing about that.

Yeah, this is way pre-internet.

I bought the family a conservatory.

"A conservatory"...

Fuck! But don't you--don't you worry about that now?

It coming out?

Yeah, are you kidding?

Absolutely. Thank you.

And that's why I live my life as a saint.

[phone vibrates]

I'm a good boy.

Which is pretty brutal for me actually,

because I'm freshly divorced

and I'm in this fantasy franchise so it's like...

Yeah. I'm sorry.

You're very sweet.

-I'm really sorry. -Cheers.

I'm with Suzie Pickles. Naomi Jones.

Do you mind if I, uh...

Hello! Hi.

Naomi Jones. This is Suzie Pickles.

-Yeah, you can let her in. She's with me. -Yeah, see!

Uh, Suze, we need to talk about what happened at the Q&A.

-We should stay! -Hmm?

We have to stay. It's so nice here.

Yeah, that's because it's filled with people

-who've built shrines to you. -It's like a big womb.

No, no, I think we need to sit and have a debrief, no?

Is that, um, Benjamin Detroit? He plays that wizard guy...

-Does Milo operate up here? -Who reps him?

-Rude. -Milo? Milo had a seizure in Barcelona.

Okay, well there's always other Milos.

There's always alternative Milos.

Please, please let's get fucked.

Please, look at my life!

Doesn't he have a coke problem?

-Yes, in that we don't have any coke. -Ugh.

[Suzie] I didn't realize you already had coke. I should ring Naomi.

And tell her not to get anymore?

Yeah, because the--the thing about--

the great thing about coke is, it's like

you never wanna do any more.

Right,

this--this--this is very special local stuff,

apparently you have to do it in a certain way.

An old Mexican guy told me!

A Mexican man?

-A Mexican man. -A Mexican man in Birmingham.

-Yes. -Indian.

Yes. Mexican Indian man in Birmingham.

-So... -Yes?

-You are going to bend over, -Yeah...

And, um...

I'm going to lick your ass while you do it.

[Suzie laughs]

That's how it has to be. That's the way to do it.

-Really? -Mm-hmm.

-That's it, is it? -Yeah, I don't make the rules.

Well, it seems like you might.

-Ah! -Okay!

So you--so then you-- that's got to be...

-Okay, right... -Well you have to take them...

-Let me--I'll do it though because I've got the tights. -No hands.

-The tights... -I can handle tights if you need help.

Just wait!

I'm not touching you! I won't touch you.

I'm not going to do any-- all I'm going to do is--

Okay, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready.

Okay, you need to raise it up a bit. I need to see

a bit more ass-- a bit more... good. Ready?

You tell me you're ready, tell me when you're ready. Tell me when you're ready.

-Tell me when you're ready. -I'm ready, I'm ready.

-I'm putting my-- -Hang on! Okay, ready.

-I have protective eyewear. -I'm ready, I'm ready!

-Three, two, one, go! -Go, go!

[sniffs and shrieks]

I barely touched you.

-Hiya. -Hiya.

I'm here to meet you. I'm Naomi.

I thought I was picking up from Tarek?

Okay, you're driving away.

-Yeah, yeah, what has to happenis we have to drive round. -Okay.

I can't park or nothing what with cameras.

It's better to just drive round.

-Okay, but where are we actually, uh... -Fuck off!

-Okay. -Hang on.

Um, if there's anything you want me to-- Can I, can I do anything?

-Maybe I could--? -Yeah, um, yeah, count the money.

I know how much I have.

Yeah, but count it in front of me.

-In--in front of your face? While you're driving? -Yeah.

Yeah, if you just count it next to me,

-I'll know how much there is. -Right.

20, 40, 60, 100.

I've only got twenties. One twenty...

Uh, I don't suppose you do change?

I don't know where he's fucking put it. Ugh!

Where's he put the fucking gear?

-Okay---Can you just hold the wheel for a minute, babe?

Oh, my God, hold the--

[grunts]

Can you--can you see in the back if there's like a-- like a wallet?

A--a wallet? Uh, no...

He's not fucking put it where he said he would?

I'm gonna have to call that lying fucker now.

Making me look like a twat again!

Oh, wait!

-Oh, it's in me bra! -Okay.

-It's in me bra! -It's in your bra!

I put it there before I came out!

Oh, I'm a fucking idiot, man!

-Here it is, babe! -Yes.

-Swap ya! -Thank you.

[Nadia] Nice, nice.

Fuck me!

[Nadia] So where d'you want dropping?

Aah...!

And it's just like... aah!

And there's me just holding it.

[knocking on door]

Okay, um...

-All right, fuck. -Wow!

Okay, fuck!

[Detroit] Wow!

Don't tell Naomi we've already done cocaine.

Hey!

Hey!

Chop, chop!

-Room 405. There you go. -Oh, yes!

-Hey. Benjamin Detroit. -I'm Naomi. With the drugs.

Naomi with the drugs.

I can't believe you already had coke.

No, hey, hey, no worries, it's just like you know,

it's the good stuff, the best stuff, the greatest stuff

and you start with the red wine, like Jesus did

-and then you move onto the...-Uh, can I have your phone to go online?

Okay, you--you have a phone.

No, I need it. I want to show Ben the pictures.

I just want to show him the pictures.

No, babe.

[mimicking] Oh, "No babe. No babe. No babe!"

You know I'm thirty-fucking- five and married with a kid.

Uh, you're thirty-six and not for long.

Oh, my God, she let reality into the room.

We've--we've got to, we've got to protect the room from this woman.

In here, the room is like international waters, that everything's in the room.

D'you wanna maybe, you know...

No, we can't go! We're staying.

Right, well, I'm fucking freezing

-because I've been outside for like an hour. -[Detroit] Yeah, good idea...

So you know he used to bein, like, all of these romantic comedies?

-She hates all this shit by the way. -Does she?

-No, I don't. -Rom coms, chick flicks...

-[Detroit] Yeah! -I hate that they're called that.

Yeah, yeah, because they're a legitimate art form,

-thank you very much. -Uh, no!

Uh no, they are male propaganda

trying to convince women that romantic love

is their responsibility and desire, when actually

it's just straight men trying to convince us that we need them.

-There she is! I mean, can you believe it? -So, wait... wait!

Wait, wait, wait! So, what, rom-coms are propaganda?

-Or love is? -Both.

Both. Ask yourself, as Marx did, who benefits?

I mean, she--she hasn't even had coke yet, so...

Love is just a way of trying to get women

to put aside their own needs.

Okay, well, that's my career fucked then

because, uh, romantic comediesdon't even employ white guys anymore anyway.

Oh, my God. Okay, is this guy a bit of a dick?

-[Suzie] No, no, he's fine! I like him. -What?! Thank you.

You know, hey, hey, so Suze says that you're into girls.

Okay. Jesus, Suze!

What, Oh, what? So we're not allowed facts anymore?

I just hate you, like, pimping my bi.

So Naomi lives in this great way now since she--

since she broke up with her ex.

Can I call her your ex?

Call her what you fucking like!

So she goes from, like, Airbnb to Airbnb

all over London like she's on this permanent fucking holiday.

A permanent fucking holiday where I work for you all the time, babe.

I love London.

I fucking love London.

-Fucking love it. It is proper,it is the real deal. -I love it!

Thank you. Uh, so what, you just go everywhere,

fuck everyone. That's fucking brilliant.

No, being bi doesn't mean you sleep with everyone.

It just means you can be choosy.

I would fuck you.

Oh, no, you wouldn't, Suze.

That's not being bi, that is being a straight woman

who's too eager to please. Cringe.

Wow! Not the vibe!

Really not the vibe.

It's okay, 'cause what Naomi neglects to mention

is that this whole "crowd sourcing a home"

-approach is because she still pays the mortgage, right? -Yeah!

Won't ask her ex to move out, even though she owns

-most of the house. -Of the two of us, who is staying

on whose fucking floor?

-Huh? -Hey, hey, guys--guys, it's the womb room.

-It's the womb room. It's likea womb, look at the sofa. -Ooh, she's right,

-It's red, it's warm... -She's fucking right.

I mean, what is-- what is gonna...

[Detroit] Come on, man!

Seriously, what is gonna happen?

-Suze, now is not the time!-Hey, hey, there's nothing you can do about any of this now.

No, I mean at home. With Cob.

Okay, I know I know. We'll sort it.

Yes. With Cob!

I can't leave, can I?

I can't leave because I've...

No, Ben! Because I've got a-- I've got a kid,

-I've got a kid. I've got a fucking medicine cabinet. -Sit down.

Okay, listen. Okay.

This is--this is the thing.

You cannot do anything about any of this now,

This is very important. Okay, old hand.

So whatever you do,

you do not move out of the family home.

Fucked me with my second wife. And for custody.

Yeah, I--I agree. I know I'm a hypocrite, but you're the mother.

-You bought the house. Cob has to leave. -I did buy the house.

-You know what is really important? -Yeah.

You wait, see, what is really important is this Birmingham coke

and the--the very specific way that you must do it.

-There is. -Which you, Naomi with the drugs, are unaware of.

-"Way"? -Oh, look, she's gonna chill there.

-You take a moment, you take a deep breath, listen... -Um, you, well, first of all,

you need to take your pants off.

[Naomi and Detroit laugh]

I love you...

[Naomi] Oh, it's burning!

-[snorts] -Right!

Is this what you want?!

Is it? Well, have it!

Have it all!

Huh, I met my--I met my exercise goal!

-Goaal! -Well, that's a big achievement

considering you haven't been anywhere!

-Listen, I've been thinking. -Hm.

Let's look at the pictures and everything else!

-No, now it not the right time.-Let it wash over me as part of life!

-No, no... -No, it is...

-We're in prison! You're in prison! -This is the best time.

-[mock screams] -No, this is the best time.

I'm with people that I feel safe with, you know,

like when you do LSD.

-So you know, Benjamin, you totally understand... -Yes.

-I understand all of ya. -And you.

-Yeah. -You've been friends with me since we were in the womb.

We're now, we're now in the womb room.

So, basically, I won this, like, talent competition,

here when I was like fifteen

yeah and ... whatever,

like, my parents were just, you know, were into their own,

they're into their own thing

and Naomi was doing her A-Levels because she's fucking smart.

Yeah, not just a pretty thing.

It used to be my dad managing me

and then--and then Naomi was like,

"You can't be on some... fucking stranger's books."

[Suzie] So, like, first it was my dad and then-- You're not listening.

In spite of my dad...

So, are you...?

Are you touching her?

Yeah, could be.

This is...

[giggling]

[Naomi] Oh, my God.

[soft love song plays]

♪ I know

♪ I'll be smilin'

-Suzie! -[gasps]

Suzie!

Oh, I love you, Suzie!

♪ Bye with my baby

♪ Bye bye

Suzie!

I love you, Suzie!

[man] Suzie!

[Cob] Whose cock is it, Suzie?

[man] I love you, Suzie!

[water running]

[light piano music plays]

[man] I love you, Suzie!

[Cob] Whose is it? Whose cock is it, Suzie?

[groans]

[knocking on door]

[knocking continues]

[coughs]

What, are you pissed off with me?

You took the only room key, you didn't answer your phone,

Again. It's incredibly frustrating.

Oh, I'm sorry, you were giving him a blowjob

-I didn't realize you could talk. -Oh, for about six minutes!

And I'm sorry if you liked him, if anything

that's a testament to your terrible taste in men.

-If I could go back and anti-fuck him I would. -You fucked him?

What was I supposed to do?

Talk sci-fi?

I couldn't give him another blowjob

'cause I couldn't breathe through my nose,

-because you'd made me buy cocaine! -Oh, God.

-Sorry! -His crotch smelled like he'd had sex with a bin.

[gags]

-Well, I took a bunch of sleeping pills last night. -What?!

-I don't... just... -What do you mean, "a bunch"?

-I dunno... To get rid... -Well, how many?

Like, four. Maybe five.

Four? Four, okay. Wow.

That seems like a weird amount.

Well, I would've taken more, wouldn't I, but I fell asleep.

Because they're sleeping pills.

-Fucking hell! What is wrong with you? -Oh, that's nice!

-So you would have died-- -Really nice! I wouldn't have died.

...while I was miserably banging Benjamin Detroit so you wouldn't have to.

-What have we said about sleeping pills, hm? -They're great.

[Suzie chuckles]

-Marilyn Monroe. Elvis Presley! -Oh, Elvis Presley...

-Heath Ledger! -Didn't he die on the toilet?

He didn't die from being on the toilet, did he? He didn't die "from toilet."

You know, I can't take you anymore. I can't take this,

I feel like I'm having a nervous fucking breakdown.

I'm sorry. Sorry.

How could you not tell me you were fucking someone else?

-I wasn't! -I just found out like everyone else.

I'm your best fucking friend.

Because you'd be cross like this.

I know who it is, Suze.

No, you don't know who it is.

Do you?

Is it obvious?

God, it's obvious, yeah.

You know what you have to do, right?

There's no way back from this.

You have to tell Cob it's over. Get him out.

You have to move back into the family home

-that you paid for. -Yeah.

-With Frank. -Yeah, I know.

Really?

Okay, good.

These are yours.

So, um, I have something to say.

[scoffs]

-Ooh! -No, no, no. I just think that, um...

I... I've been... thinking about things

and I think you're right, I think you deserve an explanation.

Mm-hmm.

I did sleep with someone else

and I have a photos of that from a long time ago.

And it's...

It's over. It was over. But what...

what I really want to say is that I think me being out

and away from the house, I don't think that's right.

I don't think that's right for Frank,

I don't think it's right for... for me.

and I, ultimately, I don't think it's right for you.

I think I need to be here,

I think that is...

what's right and so what I'm saying...

is that...

I want to be at home

and I am not prepared to accept a "No" on that.

And that is how I want to move forward.

One hundred percent.

Well...

I think that's what I needed to hear.

It's going to be difficult, you're right, you know,

but we owe it to Frank.

To each other.

Mm-hmm.

Well, I mean, obviously, you're going to have to, uh...

you're going to have to tell me everything,

and I will decide what it means.

But, um, in the meantime, yes,

I accept your offer to come back to the house.

And what about... what about you?

Well, I will, um...

I will work towards considering forgiving you.

Here?

Because I, yeah, I'll admit that it

can't have been easy for you either.

And, uh, well, you're going to need my help

to get through it, frankly.

Aren't you?

[Cob] Okay.

I'm here.

[phone vibrates]

[beep]

Hey, yeah.

I don't know, I just, I've been trying to find the right time.

I'm so sorry about all this.

No one knows it's you.

♪ Hey, my love

♪ What you doin'?

♪ You come to watch

♪ The flowers bloomin'?

♪ Shallow eyes in the sky

♪ My, oh, my

♪ I never met

♪ Someone like you...