Original subtitles

[The Boy]: And so the prophecy was fulfilled,

and everyone in Wendimoor lived happily ever--

Not this time! This is my story now!

[Suzi]: There once was a very special princess

who no one appreciated.

She was married to a slob, and her son was an idiot.

She had a terrible accident

that wasn't her fault even a little bit,

and ended up lost and alone.

But then a wonderful wizard from another world came

and gave her another chance to live the perfect life she deserved!

And so the princess became a beautiful queen

who everyone loved,

and lived happily ever after.

Or else.

[cackling]

[♪♪♪]

Oh, shit.

Tina, are you alive?

[Tina groans] Hobbs?

Are you back?

Hi, Tina.

Oh, my God, Hobbs, you're alive!

[Hobbs]: Why are we in the quarry?

Did something explode?

Yeah.

Phew! [Tina cheers weakly]

No, no. We've all been shot,

several...

[groaning in pain]

many times...

Aw, dang, that's true.

Who shot us? Who shot us?

You!

You shot both of us.

Tina, you also shot me once.

I shot you once, and you twice.

Why were we all shooting each other?

[Tina]: The Mage made us do it.

Why didn't anybody shoot the frickin' Mage?

Hobbs, be cool, man, be cool.

[Farah]: The first thing we need to do

is put pressure on the wounds.

Okay.

[Farah]: Use your belts, tie them tight.

Can either of you see your intestines?

Are you having trouble breathing?

Nope.

No intestines.

We don't have that much time.

We have to get help very quickly,

or we will die.

I'm gonna go get the truck...

[wincing in pain]

and pick you both up.

[Tina]: You got it, girl.

Go, Farah.

[Farah]: Guys...

I don't think this plan's gonna work.

[Dirk screams]

[gasping]

Okay, but...

you?

Why would the dog be--

You know what, I can't.

[screams] Whoa! [gunfire]

[whispering] Shh!

Okay, okay... Okay, I can do this.

I can do this-- [gunfire]

No, I can't, okay...

[distant explosions]

No, no, no, no!

Project Icarus, did you do this?

Do what? What did I do?

The facility is in chaos!

There are knights!

Knights everywhere!

Ah, yes, actually, I do know about that,

and that actually probably is my bad--

- It is?! - Or no,

or whatever answer's gonna make you stop pointing that gun and listen to me.

I can end this,

but only if you take me to Project Moloch.

You are a Blackwing subject.

I do not take orders from you-- [gunfire]

Ouch!

Fire at will!

Move! [gunfire]

[bullets blasting and smashing]

Aw, Jesus...

I knew something like this was gonna happen.

Listen, Mister...

Assistent?!

God, I hate Blackwing!

Why did I even take this job!

My boss is an idiot, like, so dumb,

and now we're gonna get killed by knights?

I thought "top secret" meant

that I was gonna get to meet aliens, man!

Snap into it!

I'm here, and I'm not panicking, so that means you can't panic either.

You have a head injury,

so I'm sorry if this loud voice I'm speaking in--

and all of this-- is making it worse,

but we don't have time to waste!

To fix this, we need to get to Project Moloch now!

[screaming]

[Amanda and Todd scream in pain]

[screaming in agony]

Wh...

Wh-what happened?

The pain was too much, so...

I... I took us out of our bodies.

You can do that?

Apparently, yeah.

What is this place?

[Amanda]: I guess it's what's behind... everything?

It's like the backstage of reality.

I've see this in my visions before, but I've never been here.

Wow.

Yeah.

[both gasping in wonder]

[together]: Drugs.

[laughing]

What's that sound?

[distant screaming]

[electricity crackling]

Todd?

[gasps]

Stay with me.

The pain is going to try to pull you back into your body,

but trust me,

you don't wanna be there right now.

What happens if Suzi arrives while we're still here?

I think that would probably be bad.

Are you sure you know where we're going?

We're both gonna die, man!

Well, perhaps, but I'm trying not to think about that.

[explosions]

Okay, uh... perhaps this door, then.

That's not Moloch's chamber!

Going where I'm going without knowing how I'm knowing

is sort of my whole thing,

and there were kind of a lot of people killing each other that way,

so let us in here!

That's a secure room!

Open it.

Now.

[security lock beeps]

[guns cocking] Hey, freeze! Drop your weapons!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hi, Dirk!

Mona?!

Down, now.

[explosion]

You guys smell that?

It's weird.

I don't like it, man, it smells like burning.

We stop her here,

before she gets to the Drummer

and her brother.

[Suzi's evil cackles echoing]

No, I don't like this.

No, no, no, no, no.

I've got ants in my pants.

[Suzi's evil cackling]

What's so funny?

Why is she laughing?

This is why we were brought here.

This goofy bad-news voodoo mama ain't got nothin' on us.

[Suzie, coyly] Sticks and stones.

Protesto!

You rats think that you can defeat me?

Feeding time, boys.

[hissing] Vraxis.

[giggling]

[coughing]

[high-pitched ringing]

Aah!

[ringing intensifies]

Dirk! [gasps]

- Oh! - You came to save me!

[wincing]

They said you were in trouble?

Well, yes, I definitely have been in trouble, Mona.

I've been trying to find The Boy!

Is that where you went when you went through the bed?

[giggles]

Mona, might I be so rude as to inquire,

when you said "Find The Boy,"

you didn't happen to know he was in Blackwing

the whole time?

No, I didn't know that.

I was just trying to help

the cute little snail that talks in my head.

Right, that's great. You did great work for that...

snail?

Did you find The Boy?

Yes. Yes, I did, and he's here,

and this man is going to take us to him.

Moloch is in the East Wing.

We'll never make it. This place is a war zone!

[mocking] "You'll never make it!

This place is a war zone!"

[scoffs]

[gasping] We'll never make it.

This place is a war zone! Can you help?

Of course.

I can get you there really, really fast.

Excellent!

Okay, just one thing...

can you turn into a bug?

Only emotionally.

Okay,

then we'll try something else.

[sparks crackle]

[Amanda and Todd screaming in pain]

Alakazaam!

[Suzi laughing wickedly]

Face my wrath, you insect.

Die at the hand

of the most powerful creature

in the universe!

Toros.

Enough.

Enough of this!

Who are you?

Like, seriously, what is your problem?

Why are you here?

You're, like, some mom from Montana?

I don't understand why you're involved,

literally, at all.

No one does!

You're just like this psycho crazy person

who's screwing up everything for everyone!

You have killed so many people.

Do you have any conception of what is going on,

or what you're even doing?

I have this now.

This...

has given me a second chance.

It's helped me fix everything that's broken.

I'm taking control of my life.

Taking control of your life is about changing you,

not everything else.

It isn't some instant magic wand

that you can just wave around

and make everything the way you want it.

Maybe you're right, then.

Maybe I am a bad person.

But it's so much more fun than being good all the time.

Wait.

Why are we even talking?

Why haven't you killed me yet?

Ooh, ooh, ooh... your wand is messed up!

Your wand is messed up! Ooh, ooh!

No... No, Barabat--

[whoosh]

[engine revving]

[gasping in delight]

Wow...

[chuckling]

I can't believe--

This ends now.

You really think you can turn into something

faster than I can pull this trigger?

Oh, I understand now.

You're the bad one.

No, I'm not!

That'd be a much more compelling position

if you weren't pointing a gun to my head.

I can't let you go,

'cause then you'll just disappear again

and make me look like an idiot!

Everybody thinks that I'm an idiot!

Even I maybe think that I might be an idiot!

Look, the only way to end this

is to return Project Moloch to Wendimoor.

That's why all of this is happening.

Oh, God...

It is him.

Ken was right.

It's because he had that stroke

when I brought him here.

This is all my fault.

Why am I always wrong?

I just...

I want to be right for once.

It's all so complicated.

Wait...

Am I the villain?

Am I, like, the bad guy,

but I'm just so stupid that I didn't even notice?

It's not just you, Mr. Friedkin.

The problem is Blackwing.

The attempts to build a cage around the utterly uncontainable

have only caused more bloodshed.

[Dirk]: Don't blow this.

This is your chance

to make things right.

[♪♪♪]

[Friedkin]: I can't let you go.

You're the problem, not me.

[Mona]: Do you really believe that?

What's more important, Mr. Friedkin,

being in charge,

or doing the right thing?

Is this a trick question?

No.

[groans in indecision]

[gunfire rattling]

Clear!

There's more coming, more coming!

[transforming]

There's no time for more fighting!

Let's go, let's go!

Oh no.

What? What's wrong?

The portal's gone.

- Is that-- - Bad.

That's very bad.

Amanda, come on,

you're okay...

What happened?

Hey!

Sis!

Oh, my God.

Man, I'm messed up.

We need to reopen the portal, okay?

Wait, what happened to that evil bitch with the wand?

Is she dead?

[Suzies laughter echoes]

No.

Come on...

Open the gate.

Just find a way.

I'll cover you.

Cover me? Todd, she'll kill you.

Do it now, or we all die.

[air gun whooshing]

No... No!

[Todd]: No, no, no, no!

What is going on? What's wrong?

There is supposed to be a portal here!

Oh, no, something must've happened.

Well, we have to do something!

[scissors squelch]

Dirk Gently dies, and the prophecy is over!

[gunshot]

You? The...

Bart... guy?

[Mona]: Dirk, this is bad. [gas hissing]

You guys aren't going anywhere.

This is Supervisor Adams.

Lock this room down, Priority Ten!

Now!

No, no, no!

[air whooshing]

Nafraya stupid baboon!

[snarling]

[blow lands]

Amanda, open the portal now!

[screaming]

I won't let you ruin this for me!

[screaming in agony]

[screaming]

No...

Ken, listen to me,

you have no idea what is going on here.

Don't you condescend to me, Svlad,

you fast-talking freak.

You don't even understand your abilities.

You wander through out-of-control situations

fumbling everything you touch!

But if you're here now, there's a chance

that this is where you're meant to stay,

and I'll be damned

if I'm letting the debug function of reality

walk out on my watch!

Then...

you won't kill me.

No.

But... [fires]

[screams]

[gasps and groans in pain]

[Ken]: Reinforcements will be here soon.

This facility is under control.

You, don't move.

I'm on your side!

[screams]

Avaratos.

Avaratos!

Avaratos.

No...

I think I must be going.

My friends are waiting for me.

Don't move. I swear to God, I will shoot you in your other leg!

[Freidkin]: No.

You moron, drop that now.

You can't control it.

That's not how it works.

[Ken]: Shut up, Hugo.

You can only make it worse, you can't fix anything.

[Ken]: Svlad, Svlad!

I will shoot you!

You shoot him, and I shoot you!

[Amanda]: Todd?

Keep the portal open.

[screams]

Don't do it!

Dirk...

Go.

Now!

Don't move!

No! No!

Bye bye, now.

[portal crackles shut]

Todd?

Toro--

Rise and shine.

[♪♪♪]

Todd, please tell me you're okay.

[magical whoosh]

[gasping]

Are you The Boy?

I don't remember you.

Are you a bad guy or a good guy?

Good guy?

- The bad guy! So bad-- - The main bad guy--

Bad guy! She's the worst!

I'll rip you to pieces, you little piece of--

[screams echo]

[train chugs overhead, whistle tooting]

[gasping]

[groaning groggily]

Did we win?

Who... Who won?

[wincing]

Dirk!

It's him!

It's actually him!

You did it! What? How?

Bit of a team effort, really.

Oh, my god, what happened to your leg?

[wincing] Oh.

Wait a second, what happened to--

Todd, can we not right now?

That's The Boy.

Francis. My name is Francis.

Thanks for bringing me back, Dirk.

I'm sorry it was so confusing.

No, that's...

[sighs]

That's quite all right.

[Francis]: It was hard for me to see things clearly

while I was in the big sleep.

I couldn't make anything new,

couldn't change anything.

I just knew if I could get here,

I would wake up.

Sorry your world got so screwed up.

It's okay.

I can fix all this.

Wendimoor will be perfect.

Wh-what about The Mage?

[gasps] The Mage!

Oh, my God, totally forgot about him!

Oh, we need to stop him, we--

[Francis]: The Mage is dead.

[Dirk]: Dead?

Your friends back home already stopped him.

Who could possibly stop a super-powerful Dark Wizard?

- Farah. - Farah.

Farah. I knew it before we said it.

But now, she needs your help.

Why? Wh-what--

I'll send you back with a gift.

It'll be the last thing I make in the old world.

Thank you for your help, stranger.

[snaps fingers]

Your friends, the Rowdy 3, are okay.

But I suppose they'll want their special car back.

What about me?

I still have things to learn here.

No.

You have big things to do in the other world.

[snaps fingers]

[siren wailing]

Oh, God.

Oh, God, oh, God,

oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God...

Farah?

Okay... Hobbs!

You alive?

I'm definitely sort of alive...

Tina?

[deliriously] Hey, man, whassup?

You're gonna be okay.

Maybe...

not, Todd.

Here, I'll help--

[groaning]

Who shot you?

Oh, it was a whole thing.

Listen, I'm so sorry about all of this.

Are you apologizing to me

for me saving your life?

That is so you.

[squeaks] Ow...

Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.

[winces] Ow.

[transforming]

[snarling]

Hello, Francis.

It's nice to meet you.

Thank you for your help, Mona.

I couldn't have done this without you, Dirk.

Can I...

Can I ask you...

Do you know...

what I am?

Do you know...

why I am?

I know a little.

We're supposed to help fix things.

That's what all of us are.

Tools...

to fix the broken universe.

[Francis]: There's problems in reality.

You're supposed to repair them.

Each of us has a different purpose.

You help people be where they should be.

Hmm.

And you?

I was supposed to make things,

but then my dreams caused a problem

that you had to fix.

I wish my life in the other world

had turned out better,

but I guess there are some things

you just have to let go.

You have to create your own world, create your own family.

But I suppose you already know that,

don't you, Dirk?

Are you ready to go home?

[snaps fingers]

[grumbles forlornly] Yoo...?

Now, what should I do with you?

[crows cawing]

Hello.

Thank you for getting rid of all these jerks.

There were only supposed to be ten of them, not a whole army.

Are you The Boy?

That's me.

Well, are you gonna fix everything?

You gonna make it all better?

This was never meant to happen.

I messed up with the Suzi Boreton lady,

and me messing up led to more people dying,

people who weren't supposed to.

I can't beat it.

[Francis]: You could stay here, you know.

I'm gonna fix all this,

make it all better.

No, I can't.

I can't, I would just ruin your perfect world.

I thought I was a leaf

in the stream of creation.

But I'm not.

I'm on a wire.

I'm a puppet.

I'm not even a person.

I'm just a weapon.

In time,

I hope you'll find that that's not true.

Get me outta here.

Okay.

Where do you want to go?

[gasping]

Oh...

now I get it.

[security door opens]

[Woman]: 40 people dead,

a security breach at one of the most secure facilities in the world.

This is a disaster.

A disaster?

Really?

See, now, that's just a matter of perspective.

How so?

Well, in the end, the intrusion was contained.

Look, I know

this might seem like a bunch of chaos to you,

but what we're looking at

is something far more significant.

Enlighten me.

These weapons and armor are made of a metal

unlike anything found on planet Earth.

In Bergsberg,

we have a permanent research installation set up

around a geometrically impossible pocket dimension

built into the farm house.

What we have here is conclusive proof

of the supernatural.

This is the greatest discovery in human history.

Nice spin.

So, what now...

Supervisor Adams?

All I'm saying is, from now on,

I'm all about moderation.

Getting shot twice was enough.

Bucket list, check!

No need to do that ever again.

Hey, I gotta tell you,

it beats giving out speeding tickets every day.

Hobbs, you got turned into a zombie.

Yeah. I know.

I'm still hung over.

I just feel like I missed all the good stuff.

Good stuff?

Hobbs, do you know how much crazy crap I had to do without you?

There were witches and zombies and wizards and shit--

That's the good stuff--

It was one of the top... 11 craziest experiences of my life.

You did good, Tina.

Thanks, Farah.

[Tina]: Hobbs... stop smiling at me like that.

I just... I always knew you'd be a good cop.

Anyway, Farah, I looked this morning,

and, um, you are no longer

on the FBI's most wanted list.

Also, some, uh,

some real spooky-type guys

came around our hospital rooms with secrecy contracts, I guess?

I think they're trying to go around and clean this whole thing up.

It's Blackwing.

Hey, if they wanted you, they would've gotten you by now, right?

That's probably true.

[groaning in pain]

I should probably give this back to you.

[Hobbs]: No. No, no, no, no.

No, you keep that.

Hey, federal regulation 8.51.91 clearly states

that after a period of crisis

all police property must be returned by a deputized civilian.

Come on.

No.

You keep that.

[♪♪♪]

[Todd]: New outfit.

Is this the Fall look?

Thrifting in Montana is better than you'd expect.

It's a thing.

You guys are all doing a thing.

Yeah, I'm trying to get them to all to wear gray--

[laughing]

It's kind of like weirdly early 2000s?

It's supposed to represent duality.

No, I got that.

That's not subtle.

[laughing]

So...

what now?

Back to normal life?

Yeah.

Maybe I'll get a job.

I could be a hostess at T.G.I.Fridays.

[laughs] Yeah, I didn't think so.

You know, I saw things,

in my visions.

Something big is coming.

Reality is falling apart at the seams, dude.

There's more people out there like Dirk.

Someone has to find them before Blackwing does.

Yeah, but why does it have to be you?

That's where the road is taking me.

I'm a leaf on the stream of creation.

You could come too.

Both of you.

Your powers could be really helpful, Dirk.

Oh, yes, well, that's not really--

How it works, right, yeah.

Well, you guys got your own thing to do.

[Amanda]: I guess it's just the six of us.

Six?

A lil gits!

I fown fahoo, beautyboy.

- Oh, um... - Here.

Nice. [chuckles awkwardly]

Ahluya foheeva, Bibbit.

[kissing]

[patting her back]

I, uh, forgot to give you this.

the Rowdy 3 found it forever ago back at the Ridgely.

Hey...

Good luck.

I love you, Todd.

I love you too, sis.

- Time to boogie. - Let's go, boys.

All right.

Wow, so...

the rainbow monster, she looked, uh...

Not really my thing, Todd.

You don't think that cave girl from fairy land staying here is going to--

Eventually connect to something in some way

that eventually becomes a simply enormous problem?

I mean, yes, Todd.

That's obvious.

Oh.

If loose ends are gonna be a problem, I should probably...

Uh...

Oh! The--

You got the awesome gun!

- Right? - Yeah!

You see, I knew I could get away with this one!

[laughing]

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa...

[sighing]

[pills rattling]

You okay?

You know what?

I really am.

Hey, Dirk.

You solved the case.

Eh...

It was an easy one.

[Todd laughing] An easy one!

Go screw yourself.

[Dirk]: Well, everything is relative.

[Todd]: Oh, is that your new thing?

What do you think happened to Suzi Boreton?

[train whistle blowing] [gasps]

[engine chugging]

I'm okay.

I'm okay!

Ow, my hip...

[wincing]

Hello?

Hello?

[train whistle blows]

Oh no...

No...

No!

No! No!

[♪♪♪]

Hello, my love.

♪ Tired of sleeping on the sidewalk ♪

♪ Working at the bus stop ♪

♪ Night till morning ♪

♪ Tired and waiting for the sunlight ♪

♪ When it comes it's still dark where I'm going ♪

♪ Don't ♪

♪ Don't punish me ♪

♪ For what I feel ♪

♪ Don't ♪

♪ Don't punish me ♪

♪ For what I feel ♪

♪ So I crawled out of the back door ♪

♪ Took off all these tight clothes ♪

♪ Jumped into the water ♪

♪ So I crawled out of the back door ♪

♪ Took off all these tight clothes ♪

♪ Jumped into the water ♪

♪ I jumped into the water... ♪

Did it.

[laughing]

♪ The water... ♪

[transforming]

♪ The water... ♪

Shh.

[Ken] As you can see,

there have been a number of changes

to the program.

I think you'll find it much more rewarding

than your last visit.

But on a personal level,

I'm just so extremely happy to see you.

Yeah, it's good to see you too, Ken.

The world out there is...

it's confusing and irritating,

and I'm sick of it.

Well, I can certainly relate to that.

We're going to figure it all out together,

I promise.

Uh... well, hey,

where are you going in such a hurry?

What are you,

are you some big business now?

[chuckles] Yes, actually I am.

I'll see you soon, Bart.

I think we're going to have a lot of fun.

Ken?

I think I should tell you,

the universe is sort of...

making me feel like I should kill you now.

[sighs]

I anticipated that might happen.

But you won't,

will you?

We're going to bring order to the universe.

I'm going to bring everything

under control.

[door opens]

So in your world,

do you see yourself as one of the good guys?

Mr. Priest,

in my world, there are no "good guys."

[lights power off]

[♪♪♪]