Original subtitles

[music playing]

NARRATOR: Tromaville, New Jersey, 1986.

Whilst the carcinogous clouds of Chernobyl

wreaked havoc over Eastern Europe,

something even more funky was festering.

[bubbling]

NARRATOR: A careless leak of toxic liquids

escaped from the Tromaville nuclear power facility--

PLANT WORKER: Not another leak.

NARRATOR: And seeped into the water

supply of nearby Tromaville High School.

[bubbling]

Ptooey.

NARRATOR: These horrible, unmentionable fluids

caused the student body to mutate and transmogrify.

[scream]

NARRATOR: And worse, it caused them to dance badly

when The Smithereens showed up.

Some thought they were OK, but no one

was safe from the rabid radiation

and its strange hormone reversing

side effects, not even virgins.

[scream]

NARRATOR: Some of the students gained superhuman

strength, while others simply spewed

up mangly, mutant monsters.

[whimper]

[splashing]

Hm.

What the?

[scream]

[burp]

NARRATOR: Tromaville High became Nuke 'Em High,

and there was only one way for the class of Nuke

'Em High to stop the mutant monster force.

They had to destroy their school.

[scream]

[explosion]

NARRATOR: But that was then, and this is a sequel.

[music playing]

[scream]

NARRATOR: Today, through the generosity of the great, ever

altruistic, multinational Nukamama Corporation,

the Tromaville nuclear power facility

has been rebuilt. Even more altruistic,

the Nukamama Corporation graciously volunteered

to construct a beautiful junior college, the Tromaville

Institute of Technology, on the premises

and inside of the twin-towered nuclear facility.

The fact that this was the only way

to get clearance for the construction

of the nuclear power plant from the government

nuclear regulatory agencies had nothing

to do with this generous contribution

to America's educational system.

Today, Tromaville Tech is a beautiful, serene campus

where young, inquisitive minds can

gain a firsthand dose of the wonders of the Nuclear Age.

[music playing]

[screams]

NARRATOR: Even a fine academic institution, such as Tromaville

Tech, has its little day to day idiosyncrasies,

such as daily malathion sprayings.

PLANT WORKER: Spray those luscious

melons for fruit flies.

Hold still.

Ow.

NARRATOR: Limited locker space, causing students

to wear limited clothing, an occasional foreign exchange

student that just doesn't fit it,

and every once in a while, a messy, but perfectly harmless,

spill of toxic, radioactive waste materials.

For the most part, however, campus life at Tromaville Tech

was perfectly normal.

Well, almost normal.

[alarm]

[screams]

[car horns]

[bang]

[crash]

[siren]

[screams]

[roar]

[roar]

Help me!

We're all going to hell.

Help!

[roar]

Oh!

Help me!

Get out my way, chief.

This girl isn't exactly a feather, you know.

What's wrong with your girl?

She looks a little pasty.

Look, we'll have coffee later and talk about it, all right?

Right now, get out of my way.

And get a hold of yourself. -Me?

I'm fine.

You're fat.

[screams]

ROGER: Hang on, Victoria.

Don't die.

Please don't die.

Diane, this is Troma Tech Times ace reporter, Roger Smith,

dictating what may well be my goodbye byline.

[explosion]

[screams]

Yipes!

Whoa!

STUDENT: Wait for me, girls.

Wait for me.

I think I'm too fat.

Ow!

Whoa!

I'm reporting to you live, but not for long,

from the scene of the destruction of Tromaville

as we know it.

If anyone survives this disaster and finds this tape,

I hope I win a posthumous Pulitzer.

Or at least I hope you sell the story as a movie of the week.

Oh, it's the most horrible thing I've ever seen,

worse than the Geraldo Show.

Why does this world have to be filled with so much greed, so

much mistrust, so much hatred?

Caused by human beings with absolutely

no respect for human emotions.

All they care about is making money.

I know I should be reporting objectively,

but I can't anymore.

This time it's gotten too personal.

I'm about to lose the only person, the only being

that I've ever truly loved.

All because of them.

[screams]

[gunshots]

[explosion]

[roar]

[scream]

Please God.

Please don't take this one life from me.

Show me a way to save her life.

You know, like the mother who saved her kid

from underneath the Volkswagen by picking

it up in the parking lot.

Well, maybe not that miraculous, but something, God.

Please.

I promise to study harder, not to abuse

any type of recreational drugs, no more beer

drinking, no more Troma movies.

Anything you want, God.

Just please, give me the know-how.

Show me the light.

Light the way.

Guide me on the right path.

Show me the right road.

Take me by the hand.

Sing me a song.

Cry me a river.

Um, I mean, I mean I don't know what I mean anymore, Lord.

[screams]

Whoever finds this tape, if you can't get my article printed,

please at least find a way to save my dearest love, Victoria.

[burp]

Damn.

Who would've thought college would

have turned out like this?

[crash]

[scream]

ROGER (VOICEOVER): And to think, just

a few short weeks ago, everything on campus

was perfectly normal.

Yes, Tromaville Institute of Technology

was indeed the finest academic community

on the face of the globe.

Students came from all four corners of the world

to tour this state of the art campus.

Ouch, Grandma.

Pay attention, and move it, shithead.

It's your fucking future.

OK.

Let's move.

[music playing]

ROGER (VOICEOVER): We were proudest

of the nuclear reactor, which was

operated entirely by students.

Thanks to the hands-on experience

working with everything from isotope cores to uranium rods,

our brains were growing, and our bodies were glowing.

Other fine campus features included the newly relocated

Richard Milhous Nixon Library, CPR classes, and, of course,

wonderful teacher to student ratios.

A proper diet was extremely important to everyone,

but for some strange reason, the cafeteria only served plastic

and rubber novelty toys.

At Tromaville Tech, they stressed

a sound mind and sound body, in a sound gas mask, of course.

Water sports were especially popular

among the carcinogenic crowd.

[coughing]

Now how's that for a chest, huh?

ROGER (VOICEOVER): And they got extra credit too.

In the unlikely event that a student fell ill,

he received the finest of medical treatment.

[smack]

DOCTOR: Chopsticks.

[jackhammer sound]

Is there supposed to be that much blood?

ROGER (VOICEOVER): Tromaville Tech was fair to all

its students, poor or rich.

Those who were not endowed, and those who were well-endowed.

[stomping]

ROGER (VOICEOVER): But all communities

have their dirty rodents, and the Tromaville Institute

of Technology was no exception.

It had a gang of naughty boys and girls called The Squirrels.

The Squirrels were led by a suave--

[fart sound]

ROGER (VOICEOVER): But ruthless leader named Yoke.

[shouting]

PLANT WORKER: Checking for malathion

around your anus, ma'am.

This won't hurt a bit.

Oof.

STUDENT: Get out.

ROGER (VOICEOVER): The gang, called

The Squirrels, and their she-male Squirrelettes,

were without fear when it came to terrorizing

the students of the campus.

Nothing frightened the Squirrels.

Nothing except young, prepubescent boys

on roller blades.

The Institute was directed by the Dean Okra, who was assisted

by his able-bodied air woman, Professor Holt,

in charge of the Science Department.

And, of course, there was me, Roger Smith.

Honor student by day, and lover of all women by night.

STUDENT: You stink.

ROGER (VOICEOVER): As ace reporter for the Tromaville

Tech Times, I had a pretty good eye for detail,

and I noticed problems creeping into campus life which may

have escaped the untrained eye.

Namely, there just weren't enough parking spaces.

And freshman seemed to be freaking out from time to time.

FRESHMAN: Oh gosh!

No!

ROGER (VOICEOVER): I figured it was nothing to worry about.

It was just that they hadn't waited a half hour after eating

before going into the swimming pool, something you

must always be careful about.

[shouting]

Ah!

Ha, ha.

Nothing to worry about.

[shouting]

[alien laughter]

[alien gurgling]

[machine rewinding]

[beep]

SOPHIA (ON MACHINE): Hi, Roger.

It's Sophia.

Thanks for the invite, but that's

the same day I'm going to the eye doctor's,

so maybe another time, OK?

[beep]

LINDA 1 (ON MACHINE): Hi, Roger.

It's Linda.

Can't make it tonight.

I'm already going out with Steve.

Sorry.

Better luck next time.

[beep]

LINDA 2 (ON MACHINE): Hi, Roger.

It's Linda.

I asked my friends about you, and they told me I'd be

better off dating a water bug.

Bye.

[beep]

JILL (ON MACHINE): Hi, Roger. It's Jill.

Listen, I didn't have the heart to tell you,

but Mark and I are going steady again, thanks to you.

Your phone message made Mark so jealous, we got back together.

Now we're having sex about six times a day.

Got to go.

Mark's here, and we're going to try that position 99.

[beep]

Nice work.

Your article's on page one.

Thank you, Captain.

Do something about the B.O. Well, if I can't get laid,

at least I get to see my name in print.

WOMAN (ON MACHINE): Stop calling me, or I'm getting a lawyer.

[beep]

ROGER: Want sex bad?

Boy, do I ever.

First come, first served.

Quarter to five.

Better get going.

[beep]

WOMAN (ON MACHINE): Roger, you stink.

[beep]

ROGER'S MOTHER (ON MACHINE): Roger.

It's me, your mother.

Have you met a nice girl yet?

Cigarette?

Courtesy of Nukamama Corporation.

[chatter]

ROGER: Hey.

What about me?

STUDENT: Forget it, buddy.

You stink.

STUDENT: Those are bad for you.

Let me guess your panty colors, girls.

I swear, I'll guess.

Oh, there's Stinky.

Tonight I'm going to participate as the subject

in a scientific experiment.

At the very worst, this experience

shall pick my journalistic instincts

and provide valuable fodder for an upcoming newsworthy article.

And if I'm lucky, I may even get some sex.

[radio blaring]

[car horn]

[music playing]

More notes for upcoming articles.

Why is the world turning into such a violent society?

Today all fun is centered around drinking

and drugs, loud heavy metal music, and sex.

At least there's one bright spot.

Nothing has changed the cute little Tromaville squirrels.

They're still the innocent little nut-gathering rodents

that God intended them to be.

What happened to the days when students walked across campus,

helping each other with their studies,

and helping each other to carry their books?

NURSE: Adorable little baby.

Isn't she precious?

[baby cooing]

Oh, I'm not proud of this world to which I am an occupant.

[smacking]

TEACHER: I'll give you an A.

YOKE: You better, or next time I'll use a hammer on you.

[cheering]

Hey, baby.

What's wrong with you?

[laughter]

[baby whimpering]

[baby crying]

I don't think I can hold anymore.

Release my grip.

Someone help my baby!

[baby crying]

ROGER: You're okay, doll.

It's okay.

Pig!

All you men are pigs!

Uh-oh.

[shouting]

No more homework!

No more homework!

Single file.

Hey, you with the flowers.

You're next.

STUDENT: Me next!

STUDENT: I wanna go!

STUDENT: No, me!

[shouting]

STUDENT: Don't take all night in there.

GUARD: Next.

ROGER: Get out of here.

GUARD: Okay, Smith.

You're number 66.

Remember that.

STUDENT: Take me, take me.

GUARD: Keep in line.

Single file.

Next.

Hi, Professor Holt. Do we get any credits for this?

Smith, isn't it?

You get $8, Smith, and perhaps the most

pleasurable sexual experience imaginable.

Now when was the last time you had sexual relations?

Well, I'd say about 25 times in the last month.

STUDENT: Yeah right, Smith.

Might I remind you that we do not include self-flagellation?

What's going to happen to me?

What kind of an experiment is this?

Now don't be nervous.

This experiment will determine several

different scientific things that you need know nothing about.

I can also assure you that in no way

will we be judgmental of your performance

during this experiment, and we will not

ask you to do anything embarrassing, humiliating,

or abnormal at any time.

Now get in that next room, and strip down naked.

Next?

Now when was the last time you had sexual relations?

Come on, come on.

Let's go, 66.

Step this way.

Ew, that smell.

Now for your pleasure this evening, we have a wide variety

of prophylactics available.

We have biodegradable, inflatable, deflatable,

reflatable, and edible.

And a ribbed condom.

And in your case, perhaps I might suggest

our special deodorant condom.

Tonight only, we're offering a special price for our gift

pack of two dozen rubbers.

How much for one prophylactic?

I'll tell you what, kid.

Take this one.

It's on the house.

I only used it once.

Boner appetit.

A little condom humor.

Ta ta.

MACHINE: Good evening, number 66.

In order to make your experience as pleasurable as possible,

I want you to do everything I say.

Please remove your shirt.

Very nice.

Now, put on the blindfold you see on the table.

Good.

Remember, no peeking allowed.

Now turn around, and sit on the bed.

No peeking, number 66, or you'll lose your 8 bucks.

Very good, number 66.

[music playing]

I'm Victoria.

I'm Roger.

Hello, Roger.

Hello.

Wow.

MACHINE: No peeking, Number 66.

[low groan]

[heavy breathing]

[moaning]

Oh.

Ah, ooh, oh.

[bubbling]

This is most interesting.

Indeed it is.

She's serviced 65 men in less than three hours.

And she made each one feel like he was special.

You're quite a genius, Professor.

Not to mention, a delectable sex kitten.

Over-aroused buffoon.

I'm not talking about the sex.

I'm talking about the emotion.

Seems like she's not a subhumanoid at all.

I detect some kind of feeling.

Looks like she's actually enjoying

the sex with this one Roger.

She seems to be captivated by him somehow.

Roger Smith has struck out with every girl on campus.

Maybe she feels sorry for him.

But that's just it.

Being a subhumanoid means never having to feel sorry.

PROFESSOR HOLT (VOICEOVER): Ever since I was a young girl,

I'd dreamed of creating the perfect subservient

being by combining human and non-human life forms.

While my peers were into dressing dolls,

I was into combining chromosomes in search

of the perfect human slave.

That was the whole idea behind this project,

to create a living, breathing being that was

unthinking and unfeeling.

Kind of like a New Yorker.

That's a crude comparison, but yes, that's it exactly.

It took years of painstaking research and countless attempts

at sexually deranged, perverted, totally unnatural,

and disgusting experiments.

Will you show me?

You know how I love it when you show me.

Come.

[moaning]

Feels so good.

It's almost like you've got a mouth down there.

I began the process of gene splicing slowly,

first experimenting with denim.

PROFESSOR HOLT: Based on my early success,

I moved on to Stage Two, combining human chromosomes

with those of other life forms.

Here, I combined a common lizard with a member of the Hair Group

for Men.

[roar]

[buzzing]

PROFESSOR HOLT: And this is the result of combining a Homo

sapien and a winged insect.

And this is a cross between a large [inaudible] sophomore

and a trained dolphin who was bulimic.

Finally, I decided that the best way to achieve my desired

results was to tamper with the gene

pool resulting from the cross mating

of a primate and a human.

Of course, the real breakthrough came when women discovered

that with gorillas, they could have sex, even

with their bathing suits on.

Taking these inter-species chromosomes,

and using a proprietary method of gene splicing, film

splicing, and nuclear fusion, I am

able to mass produce adult and young adult

subhumanoids at the rate of one every 38 seconds.

[orgasm sound]

PROFESSOR HOLT: In this incubation chamber,

the subhumanoids develop within a perfectly balanced ecosystem,

from infancy to full pubescence in approximately nine months.

They think of me as their mommy, and quite

frankly, I encourage it.

After all, a subhumanoid's best friend is his mother.

PLANT WORKER: I'm coming, I'm coming.

Hold your horses, already.

Jeez.

Careful, Professor.

These fumes have quite a kick if you're not wearing

a protective silver suit.

[radiation meter noise]

As you know, my goal was to create

a breed of superior beings, living,

breathing, humanoid beings--

[honk]

PROFESSOR HOLT: With working parts.

Custom made and genetically programmed

to feel no pain, no emotion, no weather extremes, no hair

on the face, and to be superior in strength

to the normal human.

Oh!

Now what do you say?

Thank you.

As you see, Dean Okra, these artificially manufactured

subhumanoids virtually have no minds of their own,

and can be used to perform menial tasks

that the normal human would find tedious and distasteful,

such as doing windows.

As the subhumanoids integrate into society,

the quality of life for the rest of us will improve.

DEAN OKRA: Especially the quality of life

for the Nukamama Corporation.

Once we use your subhumanoids to replace the millions

of overpaid, blue collar, working class scum that

are employed by our subsidiaries,

our profits will rise astronomically.

Profits?

You said you were funding my work to better mankind.

Of course we're bettering mankind.

With your subhumanoids, we'll change the world as we know it.

Why should men and women be forced

to die in wars when these moronic zombies can die for us.

Why should we be forced to take on menial factory jobs

when the subhumanoids can do them for us,

and better than us?

Certainly, you didn't think we had such base

motives as money and power in mind when

we agreed to fund your dream?

Besides, soon we will have the funds

we needed for the super, bio, chemical,

nucleotron, radiation, physics laboratory

that you want to build.

Just play along, my dear, and I will help you become

the world's greatest scientist.

[panting]

With the help of those delightfully delinquent

Squirrels, we've almost completely

integrated the subhumanoids into campus life.

Yes, Professor Holt, your babies are everywhere.

[music playing]

[singing]

[slurping]

Soon we will allow them to spill over into Tromaville

Proper, and then the world.

[laughs]

But, but--

No buts.

Trust me.

I am your friend.

[laughs]

[music playing]

STUDENT: All right, all right.

You can carry my books, just stop choking me.

[shouting]

Diane, I don't know what's happened to me.

I've never felt this way before, but last night I

met someone, and ever since, I can't

seem to get her off my mind.

[smack]

All around me those asshole Squirrels are

terrorizing the student body--

[screams]

But I don't care.

All I can think about is Victoria.

If I only knew her last name, or, or where I could find her.

[screams]

STUDENT: You deserve to die.

This will teach you to do better than me.

Toxie, where'd you come from?

Toxie!

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Cut!

What is that?

Who is that guy?

[roars]

STUDENT: Help me, help me.

[roars]

Get him off the set.

I'm getting boned again here.

I can't believe this.

I'll handle it.

Melvin, Toxie, baby.

You're killing me here.

We're trying to shoot the sequel to Class of Nuke 'Em High.

[growls]

You're supposed to be on Stage C on the other side of the lot.

[roars] -OK.

Come on now.

Everybody back to one. Let's go.

Come on, one more time.

DIRECTOR: Roll sound, camera, and action.

Diane, this is lovelorn ace reporter, Roger Smith,

trying to distract myself from thoughts of the lovely Victoria

by covering the sports beat.

COACH: Come on.

Look to the drive, look to the drive.

Bring it back now, right behind you.

[whistling]

STUDENT: All right, Amy.

Amy, over here.

Amy, I'm open.

[shouting]

[cheering]

As you know, ever since the unexpected arrival of transfer

student, Amy-- Diane, make a note to find out

what this girl's last name is.

Anyway, ever since Amy has arrived,

the Tromaville Tech basketball team, women's division,

has won every game they've played.

[basketball chatter]

And quite frankly, watching Amy here at practice,

it's no surprise.

She is an incredibly gifted athlete.

[basketball chatter]

[explosion]

[groaning]

[screaming]

Diane, you're not going to believe what I just saw happen.

PROFESSOR HOLT: Nothing to worry about, girls.

Don't get excited.

She just had a little too much exercise after a big meal.

[music playing]

YOKE'S SIDEKICK: Hey, where you going?

Well, well, well.

If it isn't our little ass reporter.

That's ace reporter.

Yeah right, your dork.

You guys are all sick.

You act like cretins.

We are cretins.

You're sick.

You're so right, Roger.

We are sick cretins.

How disgusting of us.

YOKE'S SIDEKICK: Yeah.

And sick people never forget their enemies.

Diane.

Hi, Roger.

Hi.

Have I got a tape for you today.

Is Professor Jones in?

Who?

Professor Jones.

I don't know.

Let me see.

Hello?

Professor Jones, are you in?

Hello?

[buzzer]

DIANE: Hello?

PROFESSOR JONES: Smith?

Are you ill?

Honey, we don't go to print for another 24 hours.

You don't mean to tell me you actually intend to hand

something in before deadline?

Well, I certainly don't want to ruin my reputation,

but this time I think I've got a real scoop.

You wouldn't believe what I was witness to this afternoon

on the basketball court?

Oh.

In my office now.

It's time you learned what journalism is really about.

Now what's this about basketball?

Since when are you following the sports beat, Smith?

It was incredible, and I saw the whole thing.

Our star player goes berserk, tears a backboard off the pole,

attacks the other players, and melts down into a gob

of goo right before my eyes.

This is major news, Professor Jones.

You actually saw this, this melting person?

Absolutely, ma'am.

Saw it with my own eyes, turned right

into a big mess of green goo.

Did you notice anything unusual about this person

before you witnessed this so-called meltdown?

Well, she was acting sort of strange and zombie-like,

kind of subhuman.

So you'd say you witnessed a subhumanoid meltdown?

Well, yeah.

I guess you could call it that, a subhumanoid meltdown.

PROFESSOR JONES: Well, I just don't

think there's a place for such a story in our publication.

Come back when you've got something really juicy.

But it really happened.

It's the truth.

Well, nobody wants to read the truth.

I don't understand.

There's no money in the truth, you journalist jerk off.

People want to read gossip.

Slimy, dirty, sleazy gossip.

That's where the money is, my friend, in rumors and lies,

in falsehoods and exaggerations.

Do you know how much a Pulitzer Prize-winning writer

as a reporter earns a year?

Bup-kiss.

Forget about the truth.

Go out there and bring me some dirt, and get out of here.

[loud music]

[cheering]

Diane, I know I am sick with love for my sweet, unknown

Victoria, but I'm really going to be sick if I

don't get something to eat.

LOUDSPEAKER: Attention, students.

Today's specials are dolphin head salad, dolphin

burritos, and dolphin burgers.

I'll talk to you later.

STUDENT: Can I have the lizard if you don't want it?

They're very low in saturated fat.

STUDENT: Hey, it's Smith, that asshole reporter.

You again?

Hey!

STUDENT: Put some beer cologne on him.

You thirsty?

[laughter]

[gurgling]

[crash]

[tweeting birds]

LOUDSPEAKER: Spill in aisle six.

Please dispatch the janitorial staff.

Allow me.

I must clean up.

[glass clinking]

Watch it, that's glass.

Oh, look.

You're a mess.

Let me help.

Hey, watch it.

Victoria?

Don't you remember me?

It's me, Roger.

Hello, Roger.

It's me, Roger, from the experiment.

You know, last night, you and me?

Professor Holt's experiment.

Professor Holt?

You were with Mommy Holt?

Well, sort of, I mean she introduced us.

You and me.

Last night, remember?

Of course.

Roger.

Wow.

Like, you can't believe how cool this is.

I'm so glad I ran into you like this.

After last night, I wanted to see you again,

but I didn't know how.

And there's so much stuff I want to tell you about myself that I

don't know where to begin.

Um, I'm majoring in English.

Uh, I'm a reporter for the Troma Tech Times.

You know, the newspaper?

Uh, Professor Holt's experiment was the first time I

ever volunteered for anything.

I love Mommy, or Professor Holt.

Well, did I tell you that I was Professor

Holt's favorite student?

You are?

You mean, Professor Holt likes you?

Likes me?

She loves me.

What do you think she wanted us to get together for last night?

Wow.

That's so interesting.

Hm.

You know, Victoria, Professor Holt's always telling me

I should meet a nice girl.

You know, get a girlfriend.

Really?

Yeah.

ROGER (VOICEOVER): And so, Victoria became my girlfriend.

STUDENT: Use this.

This should knock him out.

ROGER (VOICEOVER): I've never fed squirrels with a girl

before.

I didn't know what I was missing.

I've never felt like this.

I feel kind of dizzy, and sick at times.

I'm experiencing something that's very strange.

Love can be a very strange thing.

Love?

Is that what you call it?

That's what I call it.

Hm.

[computer beeping]

Hm.

Love.

Roger, love is a many splendored thing.

You know, Victoria?

Love makes the world go round.

All you need is love.

Whee!

Oops.

Victoria.

[cuckoo clock]

ROGER: Victoria.

Victoria, are you OK?

Wow.

Love hurts.

Victoria, I'm sorry.

Stop it.

Don't you know anything, Roger?

Love means never having to say you're sorry.

Come on.

Now it's my turn to spin you.

ROGER: Whoa!

[crash]

Oops.

Dear Roger, it's really fun being in love with you.

I've never done anything like this before.

I have to meet Professor Holt at 4 o'clock.

Maybe I can meet you after, and we can do that sex thing again.

You know, like in the experiment.

Signed, Victoria.

Mm, Vicky.

Blow in my ear, and I'll follow you anywhere.

Hey!

Why are we being sprayed?

We aren't fruit.

PLANT WORKER: Look, kid.

I'm just doing my job.

Nothing more, nothing less.

They told us to get rid of the malathion, so we're doing it.

Well, I heard that malathion stuff wasn't

supposed to be good for you.

Don't be such a pansy.

The test results aren't even out yet.

You got plenty of time to worry about it, pretty boy.

Let's go.

PROFESSOR HOLT: You, my virgin subhumanoid,

my virgin subhumanoid, it's time for you to learn to mate.

Yes, Mommy Holt.

And you my subhumanoid with melon heavy breasts, it's time

for you to teach the subhumanoid virgin how to mate.

You are subhumanoid virgin.

I am subhumanoid woman with melon heavy breasts.

You must mate now.

[grunting]

I said mating time, not feeding time.

Oh God, you can't get good subhumanoids anymore.

PLANT WORKER: Professor, this one is showing early signs

of the meltdown syndrome.

My baby, I must figure out why this

is happening to you before it's too late

and innocent people are harmed.

Oh, my poor beautiful baby.

I must discover--

ROGER (VOICEOVER): Holt was desperate to save

her beloved subhumanoids, and in secret, she worked tirelessly

to develop an antidote which would

bring the creatures back to their beautiful natural selves.

Hello, my little subhumanoids.

Mommy's got to get a little, little specimen from you.

It'll hardly even hurt.

[whimpering]

PROFESSOR HOLT: Yes, see now that wasn't so bad, was it?

Yes, that's right.

There we go.

That's right.

That's right.

Good little subhumanoid.

That's right.

Mommy's gonna make you all better, OK?

ROGER (VOICEOVER): Professor Holt was racing against time

to save the subhumanoids.

PROFESSOR HOLT: This essence of subhumanoid

should stop them from melting down,

if I can just get them to swallow it.

[phone dialing]

[phone ringing]

Hello, Dean Okra?

This is Janice Jones.

Yes, that's right, the blond.

Listen, is everything all right with your special project?

One of my reporters, Roger Smith,

says he witnessed a meltdown.

Sounds like some of your subhumanoids

may be malfunctioning.

Yes, that's right, Smith.

Yes, of course I will.

Right away.

ROGER (VOICEOVER): When Holt's research determined

that the bald, melon-heavy female subhumanoids were

the high risk group, she immediately

tried the antidote on them.

Look what Mama Holt's got for you, some candy.

Now open up wide.

Come on now.

Good girl.

Now I know it tastes awful, but the serum

culled from the sapherical remains

of your melted down brother will act as a coagulant,

and counteract and inhibit the spontaneous meltdown syndrome

that seems to plague you.

That's a good girl.

Holt!

Let me in!

Let me in immediately.

PROFESSOR HOLT: Oh, that fat fart.

I can't let him know about this.

Coming!

Now, what's this I hear about subhumanoids malfunctioning?

I've received several disturbing reports.

And even a few of my Squirrels tell me

that you've been using them to help dispose

of a few of your mistakes.

Well, there does seem to be a slight flaw in that last batch,

but I'm working on it.

I just need a little time.

Foolish woman!

There is no more time.

I've already reported to the board of directors

that campus integration is a complete success.

They're expecting me to deliver the subhumanoids for phase two

on Friday.

Friday?

It's not enough time.

It'll never be ready.

It's much too dangerous.

Not as dangerous as it will be for you if you do not live up

to your obligations, Professor.

And I would hate to lose someone as intelligent and attractive

as yourself.

But as you know, my dear, first and foremost,

I'm a company man.

Oh.

By the way, I promised Yoke I'd let

him borrow a couple of subhumanoids

to entertain the Squirrels.

Why don't you send over these two?

[silly laugh]

[music playing]

ROGER (VOICEOVER): Unbeknownst to Professor Holt, Dean Okra

and his Squirrel gang were subjecting

the subhumanoids to constant mental and physical abuse.

Allow me to introduce Harvey!

Harvey, fetch me a brew!

ROGER (VOICEOVER): In the eyes of Yoke and his cretinous

followers, subhumanoids weren't even second-class citizens.

Thank you, Harvey.

You see how fine an associate this man is?

ROGER (VOICEOVER): They were treated

as slaves, destined to serve the whims

of the so-called superior race.

I don't think I'm thirsty anymore,

so why don't you have the beer?

Thank you.

ROGER (VOICEOVER): So eager to please,

he didn't even know he was hurting himself.

You like that, don't you?

[burp]

Tastes great.

Less filling.

ROGER (VOICEOVER): Unaware of the abuse they suffered

elsewhere, Holt tried to save her babies

from meltdown syndrome.

LOUDSPEAKER: Attention students.

Be aware that there will be nude,

bald women being led through the plant by Professor Holt. Please

show them the respect they deserve.

ROGER (VOICEOVER): While that fat egghead, Yoke, was feeding

glass to poor, innocent subhumanoid Harvey,

Professor Holt continued to try and perfect her antidote

to the subhumanoid meltdown syndrome,

but time was running out.

All right.

We having fun?

Harvey, you having fun now?

Harvey, he's enjoying this.

[gurgling]

Oh my God.

[screaming]

LOUDSPEAKER: Meltdown alert.

Meltdown alert.

Attention all meltdown squad members.

Meltdown alert in section seven.

What happened to Harvey?

SUBHUMANOID: Oh!

Oh, ow!

Ooh, ee!

Oh!

Ow!

Ow!

No, no, no!

LOUDSPEAKER: Professor Holt, Dean Okra,

please report to section seven.

[screaming]

YOKE: [inaudible] so much vermin to see all of a sudden--

DEAN OKRA: What about the girl?

Victoria?

What girl?

This Harvey guy was the only sub we got.

I thought I told you to send the girl too.

I did.

I don't know where she is.

What happened to Victoria?

I don't know.

I never saw her.

Oh, my poor subhumanoid.

Where are you?

ROGER (VOICEOVER): Of course, I knew where she was.

I can't believe you're here with me.

I'm glad you feel that way.

I do too.

But I must leave now.

Wait.

Don't go.

Just stay a little longer.

I can't, Roger.

Why not?

You don't know what I'm going through.

I've never done anything like this.

I lied to somebody just to be with you tonight.

Just my luck.

You've got a boyfriend, and I'm the fling.

You don't understand.

I've never done this before.

I was programmed to think that I couldn't

have any feelings, that I could never feel anything for anyone.

Programmed?

What are you talking about?

I must go.

I love you, Victoria.

I want to see your beautiful maiden fern in the light.

Oh!

VICTORIA (CRYING): Oh, oh.

ROGER: Wait, Victoria, come back.

YOKE: There she is!

Grab her!

VICTORIA (CRYING): No!

YOKE: Look who I found, now just returning.

According to campus security, she

was seen leaving the lowlife's room of Roger Smith.

You intentionally disobeyed us to be with that idiot?

ROGER(VOICEOVER): Just because Victoria had lips on her belly

didn't stop me from loving her.

I had to find her.

What explanations do you have?

Victoria is extraordinarily intelligent.

I've been observing her for some time.

Her increased exposure to the human members

of the student body have resulted

in some unexpected reactions.

Oh crap, Holt.

ROGER(VOICEOVER): I made my way inside and followed

the obnoxious, high-pitched whine

of Dean Okra's voice, which was emanating deep from within.

You've been encouraging this thing all along.

You never did have the guts to nurture

a true race of subservients.

This Victoria's tainted and worthless to me now.

Terminate her before she gives the other ideas.

You can't do this.

It's murder.

Murder?

It's only a subhumanoid.

[roar]

[buzzing]

ROGER: Holy cow, what's this?

Looks like Sally Land's mother.

ROGER (VOICEOVER): It was like something out of a science

fiction movie, but it was real.

It was unbelievable.

Our little romantic interlude had brought

me face to face with the horrifying byproducts

of a corporation gone mad.

The whole thing made me want to projectile vomit.

[vomit sound]

This will completely fuck up my plans

for the Nukamama Corporation.

Sorry, Professor.

Destroy it.

Roger, help me!

Don't you see?

She's fond of him.

Oh, that's just great.

Now we have a subhumanoid love story taken away.

Stop saying it.

My subhumanoids are living, feeling beings.

They're not things.

I resign.

I don't want to have anything to do with you or this murder.

Let the blood be on your hands.

Thank you.

I accept your resignation.

Good.

I will leave at once.

Oh, no you don't.

You can resign, but you cannot leave.

Take them both away.

Hey!

What are you doing there, Stinky?

Ah!

[screaming]

Oh!

Up yours, buddy.

Diane, I'm on to something big, real big.

I'm in the basement of the power facility,

and it looks like the love of my life

and Professor Holt are in grave danger.

They're being held captive by Yoke

and those delinquent Squirrels.

PLANT WORKER: Hey.

Hey, wait a minute.

Something's wrong.

Right now, I'm looking at another beautiful student

being held against her will by three stooges.

[phone dialing]

[busy signal]

[high pitched grunt]

PLANT WORKER: Uh, Gesundheit.

ROGER (VOICEOVER): Wow.

It's even bigger than I imagined, much bigger.

I've seen enough to know this is more

than I can handle on my own.

I've got to get out of here and get reinforcements.

But first, I should take one last look.

PLANT WORKER: Hi, girls.

Beautiful day, isn't it?

STUDENT: Get lost.

PLANT WORKER: Yes, indeed.

Beautiful day to get rid of some radioactive waste.

SQUIRREL: Wow.

What was that?

Gee, check it out.

What's that green stuff, man?

[eating sounds]

SQUIRREL: Mm.

Wow.

Mm, mm.

Hey, this stuff is great.

[loud music]

Is Jones in?

You gotta type this right away, Diane.

The only way for us to save Victoria and Professor Holt

is to use the power of the press to rally the students

against Dean Okra and the Squirrels,

and all this weird shit that's been going down.

Stop the presses.

Diane is typing the most important

article I've ever written.

Oh really, Roger?

Here you are, Roger.

All finished.

Thanks.

Thank you.

These are all unqualified, unbelievable,

unadulterated rumors.

Dean Okra is holding Professor Holt and another woman hostage

in the basement of the nuclear plant?

Mm-hm.

Secret rooms full of ungodly mutated creatures?

Mm-hm.

A girlfriend with a second mouth on her stomach?

Yeah.

Roger, this is fabulous, absolutely fabulous.

This is just the kind of highbrow pulp

I've been talking about.

You don't believe any of it?

Of course not.

But I'm gonna print it on the front page.

Congratulations.

Thanks.

SQUIRREL: That stuff tasted weird.

What's going on?

I'm dizzy.

Can I clean your office, Ms. Jones?

Sure.

JANITOR (ABSENTMINDED SINGING): Cleaning and dusting.

And der--

[gurgling]

Are you all right?

[screaming]

[crash]

Wow.

Never expected Professor Jones to fall

for my writing like this.

JANITOR: Help me.

Help me.

Help me.

Help me, I say.

Help me.

Roger!

[screams]

SUBHUMANOID: No, wait, wait.

Roger!

Roger.

Stop, Roger.

PLANT WORKER: Hey, watch it, pretty boy.

Come back, Roger.

Help me.

Roger.

SUBHUMANOID: Come back, Roger.

You seen a ghost, chucklehead?

What a butthole he is.

I think he's more like a shithead.

Yeah.

Hello.

[shouting]

Oh yeah.

Punch him.

[screaming]

SUBHUMANOID: Hm, nice ass.

[coughs]

Hope you're all right.

Gee, thanks.

No problem.

SQUIRREL: Oh boy.

Have I got a headache.

Oh.

SUBHUMANOID: Move your ass, Roger.

Close the door.

[door closes]

SUBHUMANOID: Got a cold beer?

ROGER: Who are you?

What are you?

I am Murray, your janitor.

Murray?

I just saw you a while ago cleaning the newspaper office.

The time has come for us subhumanoids.

Subhumanoid.

SUBHUMANOID: Yes, birthed and programmed by your Dean

Okra and Professor Holt.

What about Victoria?

She is one of us.

Damn it.

She would melt down, like I. Get off your brainwashed ass,

Roger, and get to the nuclear plant

right away to see if she can be saved.

How can I save her?

What's to keep her from turning into a hideously

spherical glob like you?

If you want any help, watch the insults, Roger.

Professor Holt found an antidote which

will save Victoria's melon-heavy breasts from melting down.

You and me?

Against Okra's security guards?

We'll need help.

Rally your friends.

Well, rally anyone you can find.

And then raid the power plant.

Holt and Victoria are being held inside.

Damn it, you're right.

With you along, I've got the balls to stand up

against Okra and the Squirrels.

Let's get ready.

[groaning]

LOUDSPEAKER: Meltdown alert.

Come to sector C. Melon-heavy meltdown.

PLANT WORKER: Clear the way.

Meltdown squad's here.

I can handle you.

You look like my mother-in-law.

What the?

[shouting]

[punching]

PLANT WORKER: Take that.

That's for the professionals.

[loud music]

ROGER (VOICEOVER): While the little greenie

weeny and I rallied the troops, the Squirrels partied.

The Squirrels never dreamed that little people could

be so outraged at corporate greed,

and take things into their own little hands.

ROGER: They call the nuclear power

plant a student-run reactor, but are we really running it?

What if I told you that Dean Okra was really

using the reactor as a cover?

A front?

While he surreptitiously manufacturers

an artificial race of subhumanoid creatures

that will eventually give him and the Nukamama Corporation

the ultimate power to control our lives?

Yeah, tell us something we don't know.

All right.

Did you know that the vast majority of these subhumanoids

are unstable, and are capable of violently

melting down at any moment?

Leaving this?

Hello.

[shouting]

SUBHUMANOID: It's true.

Everything Roger says is true.

Look!

Even my makeup's running.

Oh, look at me.

I must look so horrible.

If you're with me, come on.

Gather weapons.

We're storming the reactor.

[cheering]

[growling]

[burp]

Keep still, kid, you wet bot.

[burp]

Jesus, kid.

I need windshield wipers.

[burp]

PLANT WORKER: Well, the union promised us overtime.

[growling]

DEAN OKRA: Show me how to stop it.

You must tell me how to stop it.

Never.

[whimpering]

Can't you see your dreams are fading away?

My dreams are crumbling.

Years and years of painstaking research is melting away.

[growls]

Our precious nuclear knuckleheads

are melting away like so many popsicles on the pavement.

That's right, Dean.

[laughs]

[slap]

[growls]

[shouting]

[screams]

[gunfire]

PLANT WORKER: Oh!

[shouting]

LOUDSPEAKER: Status normal.

Status normal.

Roger said to pick up the nearest chainsaw

and knock out the nuclear reactor's

central control panel.

[chainsaw]

STUDENT: Hey, take it easy.

We need it for the next film.

LOUDSPEAKER: Danger.

Danger.

[alarm]

[screaming]

Look at the size of those eyes.

[growls]

Ew, look at the size of its teeth.

[growls]

Look at the size of those nuts.

[growls]

[screams]

[alarm]

[growls]

[screaming]

STUDENT: We're gonna die anyway, so let's keep on screwing.

[shouting]

[growl]

[gunfire]

Ay yi yi yi yi yi yi yi oh!

No!

[gunfire]

[alarm]

[screaming]

Whoa!

[sea lion sounds]

[gunfire]

[slurping sound]

[growl]

[splashing sound]

[growling]

[screams]

DEAN OKRA: Oh!

No!

No, don't eat me.

Don't eat me.

[screams]

ROGER: Victoria, my love.

I finally found you.

I'm here to save you.

[shouting]

LOUDSPEAKER: Meltdown.

Meltdown.

PLANT WORKER: What now?

PLANT WORKER: Switch to natural gas.

[growls]

I don't want to die.

[screams]

NUN: We've lost another pair of melon-heavy eyes.

LOUDSPEAKER: Kiss your ass goodbye.

Kiss your ass goodbye.

[growls]

ROGER (VOICEOVER): I ran for my life like everyone else,

except that I had to carry 140 pounds of subhumanoid beef.

[gunfire]

[screams]

[boing sounds]

[shouting]

[gunfire]

ROGER (VOICEOVER): As I held my beloved in my arms,

I could feel Victoria starting to meltdown.

I could also feel some pretty painful cramps in my biceps.

Soon, instead of lugging around a beautiful, blond subhumanoid,

all I would have in my arms would

be a disgusting green ball of goo with a hideous grin.

[screams]

[roar]

PLANT WORKER: Hey, make way, make way.

We're gonna die.

Let me out of here.

Let me out of here.

Oh, after you, ma'am.

PLANT WORKER: After you, ma'am.

Melon-heavy breasts first.

STUDENT: Thank you.

PLANT WORKER: Make way, make way.

Let me out and open this door.

SUBHUMANOID (ENGLISH ACCENT): Oh,blimey.

What's going on here?

Oh!

Ew!

Cheerio.

Gotta go now.

Bye.

Now, here I am.

Oh God.

Oh, what's happening?

Oh no!

Don't!

Roller blades.

Oh, blimey.

Roller blades, get away.

[screams]

[growls]

[growls]

ROGER (VOICEOVER): It seemed like the end of the world,

or at least the end of this movie.

No one was safe.

Not even the chairman of the Tromaville Savings

and Loan, who had donned a ski mask

in order to complete the pillaging

of the S and L's funds.

Diane.

[growls]

PLANT WORKER: Huh? Oh.

Professor, look out.

[screams]

PROFESSOR HOLT: No, please.

Put me down.

Help.

Hold your fire, hold your fire.

PROFESSOR HOLT: Put me down.

Not your mommy.

Don't you wink at me.

I'm not your mother.

Put me down.

Help.

Well, Diane.

If you're still around to get this tape, that's my story.

My sweet Victoria, you were filled with such love.

[burp]

ROGER: And green stuff.

Uh-oh.

Looks like this is it.

[screams]

[crash]

Professor Holt. Professor Holt. Professor Holt. It's me,

Roger Smith.

Victoria's about to meltdown.

Is there anything I can do?

One teaspoon a day for the next three weeks,

and she should develop an immunity

to the meltdown syndrome.

Really?

Thanks.

Ugh.

Ugh.

[roars]

You're gonna die, you mutated, radiated squirrel.

You're gonna die, squirrel.

You're nothing but a mutated, radiated rodent.

He gave us the finger.

He gave us the finger.

He's a crass squirrel.

[moaning]

[pop]

[gulping]

[swallow]

Victoria?

I thought I'd lost you.

Roger?

Sh.

It's all over Professor Holt gave me the antidote.

[harp playing]

ROGER (VOICEOVER): As Victoria gained strength

from Professor Holt's antidote, I

too felt stronger and stronger.

Now there was real hope.

Humans and subhumanoids could live

together, and move forward together

to build a better Tromaville.

It was up to us, the youth of America,

to strive together to create a more perfect union,

with liberty and charge cards for all.

Unfortunately, only Victoria had the antidote.

Hm.

I wuv you.

[growling]

ROGER (VOICEOVER): And then, there

was just that little matter of the huge, rabid, drooling,

flatulence-ridden, urinating, and projectile-vomiting,

mutant, humongous squirrel.

TROMAVILLE 1 (ON RADIO): This is Tromaville one to base,

Tromaville one to base. Come in, please.

BASE (ON RADIO): Roger, Tromaville one.

This is base. What's your 20?

TROMAVILLE 1 (ON RADIO): We have sign of the squirrel,

and are approaching with a decoy.

Repeat, we are moving the decoy into position.

BASE (ON RADIO): 10-4, one, Tromaville one.

We copy.

Proceed with caution.

We do not want the squirrel to get

the decoy until the reactor's have been cleared.

TROMAVILLE 1 (ON RADIO): Roger, base.

He sees the decoy.

Repeat, the squirrel sees the decoy.

He's coming this way. BASE (ON RADIO): Careful now.

We only get one chance.

TROMAVILLE 1 (ON RADIO): Here he comes.

He's going for the decoy.

He's, he's going for the giant acorn.

He's right on our tail.

Jeez, is he a big mother.

BASE (ON RADIO): OK.

You're doing great.

Now lead the squirrel away from the reactors.

TROMAVILLE 1 (ON RADIO): Roger.

We're leading him away from the reactors

and toward South Tromaville.

BASE (ON RADIO): Not South Tromaville.

Lead him to North Tromaville.

I live in South Tromaville.

TROMAVILLE 1 (ON RADIO): The hell with that.

I live in North Tromaville.

I tell you what.

I'll lead the squirrel to East Tromaville.

That's where my mother-in-law lives.

BASE (ON RADIO): Perfect.

My mother-in-law lives in East Tromaville too.

Is it gonna work?

Is the squirrel gonna follow you?

[growls]

[music playing]

BASE (ON RADIO): Base to Tromaville one.

Come in please.

Base to Tromaville one, come in.

Is the squirrel gonna take the decoy?

Is the squirrel gonna move to East Tromaville?

Come in, please.

TROMAVILLE 1 (ON RADIO): This is Tromaville one.

How the hell should I know?

You'll have to wait and find out in the Class of Nuke

'Em High, Part Four.

We're only supposed to lead the squirrel offscreen

in this movie.

BASE (ON RADIO): Class of Nuke 'Em High, Part Four?

You must mean Class of Nuke 'Em High, Part Three.

This movie is only the Class of Nuke 'Em High, Part Two.

TROMAVILLE 1 (ON RADIO): What?

Part Two?

Are you sure?

I'd swear my contract says Class of Nuke 'Em High, Part Three.

BASE (ON RADIO): Contract?

You have a contract?

How come I don't have a contract?

TROMAVILLE 1 (ON RADIO): All the actors have contracts.

BASE (ON RADIO): Actors?

What actors?

I'm a licensed air traffic controller.

TROMAVILLE 1 (ON RADIO): Yeah right.

And I suppose that's a real squirrel

about to grab my tail rotor--

[growl]

[scream]

BASE (ON RADIO): Tromaville one. Tromaville one.

Come in, please. Come in, please.

Tromaville one, do you read me?

[music playing]