Original subtitles

BERNADETTE: Previously on The Big Bang Theory...

My father thinks the reason I can't make a relationship work

is because I'm spoiled.

All right, how much exactly does he pay for?

Okay, I'll tell you but please don't judge me.

He pays for my car, my rent and my credit cards.

I'm trying, but I'm judging.

Maybe your dad's right.

Yeah, women do like a man that can support himself.

I have come to an important decision.

I will not be accepting your money anymore.

That's wonderful!

Yes, that is wonderful,

you will no longer be able to accuse me of being spoiled.

- L'm so proud of you. - Dad, I'm trying to tell you off

and you're ruining it with your delight and relief.

(CALCULATOR WHIRRING)

Uh-huh.

(CLICKS TONGUE) Interesting.

Okay.

How bad is it?

Uh, let me put it this way, do you own a barrel and suspenders?

Are you serious?

I'm not wearing this visor to play women's golf.

Hi.

Oh, let me guess, you guys are drafting your fantasy accounting firms.

We're helping Raj figure out his finances.

Aw, he has a job. How bad can it be?

Well, his rent and car lease are exceedingly high.

You couple that with his penchant for dining out and shopping--

Wait, wait, not shopping for clothes, right? Because look.

He also has a remarkable amount of credit card debt.

L... I thought your dad paid your cards.

I have a card for emergencies that I pay for myself.

What emergency happened at the LA Zoo?

That's a penguin I sponsor.

They're losing their homes to global warming,

and my car gets, like, seven miles a gallon, so I felt bad.

What is "Pink Cheeks"?

It's intimate waxing. Quit looking at that!

Maybe you should find someone to help you get your finances under control.

Like a business manager?

Oh, absolutely not.

You can't afford to hire someone who will forbid you

from spending your money on foolish expenses.

That is a foolish expense, and I forbid it.

What if there's someone who just likes controlling other people

and stealing joy from their lives?

He sounds like a sociopath.

We don't know, his mother never had him tested.

You're talking about me. Very funny.

Although, I would enjoy drawing up a budget

and forcing Raj to adhere to it without an ounce of compassion.

Wait, wait, who's gonna break it to the penguin?

Okay, Sheldon.

Yeah, I'm putting you in charge of my finances.

I will not spend another penny that you don't authorize.

Very well.

Hey, Comic-Con tickets go on sale this Friday, you can't buy one.

Better luck next time, pink cheeks.

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

You're actually going to Comic-Con?

Well, Leonard wants me to do more stuff like that with him,

so I thought maybe this year I'd tag along.

Well, that's sweet. I bet you'll have fun.

So, do you wanna come?

No, thanks. I already live in a place all the nerds come to.

Please? I went to your boring thing last month.

My aunt's funeral?

Come on, even you checked your email during the eulogy.

Well, I'm not going, but I do think it's nice you want to.

It's not that I want to go, ljust think it'll make Leonard happy.

And if I have to watch him squeeze into an Ewok costume, so be it.

Look at you, going to Comic-Con, talking about Ewoks.

I really have become the cool one around here.

You actually think Penny will have fun at Comic-Con?

No, which will make me miserable, which is usually Sheldon's job.

She's gonna hate waiting in line for the panels.

And hate all the crowds at the panels.

She's gonna hate the panels.

She's gonna hate how often we say the word "panels."

Why don't you just tell her not to come?

Oh, she's so excited. I can't do that to her.

Well, what if you make it sound so bad, she won't wanna go?

That I would do to her.

I can't believe Penny is gonna get to go and I'm not.

You can always watch the panels online.

Oh, boy, we do say that a lot.

Panels.

Just wanted to be included.

Come on, Sheldon, it's Comic-Con!

Just let me have the money for this, and I won't ask for anything else.

You put me in charge of your finances.

If you wanted someone weak and spineless you could walk all over,

you should have asked Leonard.

See? Miserable.

Okay, you're right, I got myself into this.

But I've never missed a Comic-Con with you guys.

Your father may have spoiled you, but I won't.

Now, if you want a ticket to Comic-Con,

I suggest you figure out a way to earn the money yourself.

Yeah, you're a grown man who's highly educated.

Uh, you could charge people money to punch you.

Go ahead, make jokes.

I don't know why you think you're going to Comic-Con, you just had a baby.

- So? - What-- So?

What, so you think Bernadette's just gonna let you

jet down to San Diego for five days and leave her alone?

(STAMMERING) Hang on.

So, I have to bring Penny,

you can't afford it, Howard's gonna get in trouble,

and this guy gets to have a great time.

I'm gonna go as Dumbledore.

- How's my favorite girl? - Okay.

- What you doing? - Making lasagna.

Mmm! She's sexy, she can cook. Such a lucky guy. (LAUGHS)

You want something stupid or you did something stupid?

No! ljust walked in here,

saw how beautiful you are, and had to tell you.

Oh, dear God, you're cheating on me with Raj.

(HIGH-PITCHED LAUGHING) Never gets Old.

Okay, there is something I want, but it's not a big deal.

What is it?

Well, Comic-Con tickets go on sale this Friday,

and I was hoping I could go with the guys.

But before you say anything,

I'll make up for being gone by doing everything around here.

I mean, everything. I'm even gonna answer for you.

"Yes, Howie, you can go."

It's so hard to say no to you.

Thank you!

So I'll say "maybe."

What? Why?

Well, you said tickets don't go on sale till Friday, right?

Yeah?

You said you're gonna do all this stuff for me, right?

Yeah.

See where I'm going with this?

Yeah.

If you don't know how to make lasagna, Google does.

Okay, so, this is the main Comic-Con floor.

It's where all the vendors and exhibits are.

Wow! That is a lot of people jammed in there.

I know!

Sometimes, Howard wears a striped shirt so we can play "Where's Wolowitz?"

Okay, now, this is us camping out in line for the Avengers panel.

Oh, you really sleep on the sidewalk, huh? (LAUGHS)

Yeah. It can get chilly,

but, uh, Raj figured out that if you pee in a bottle

and put it in your sleeping bag, it helps keep you warm.

Here's the hotel room we all share.

Well, you and I would get our own room, right? (LAUGHS)

Every hotel is booked.

But see this space here, between Sheldon's feet and my head?

That's where you go.

Well, it's no different than

when Sheldon used to climb in bed with us during a thunderstorm.

Don't worry, we won't be doing much sleeping, anyway.

It's like an all-night party.

There's trivia contests and Dungeons & Dragons.

As we like to say, "It's off the chain mail."

I even said "off the chain mail!" And she still wants to go.

That's probably my fault.

She may have heard about my cool Dumbledore costume.

Okay, I can give you 20 bucks for the whole box.

But you charged me hundreds for this stuff!

I know. And I did it with a straight face.

(SIGHS) But I need to earn enough money so I can go to Comic-Con.

All right.

I'll give you 25 bucks, that's my best offer.

I have no choice.

You know, if you wanna make extra money, I could throw some work your way.

- Really? I'll do anything. - Great, you're hired.

First thing you can do is put price tags on these.

Start the little ones at $50.

You know, it's no big deal. I can put up with anything for three days.

- Comic-Con's five days. - Are you kidding me?

(SIGHS)

Why don't you just tell him you don't wanna go?

No, I can't, it'll break his heart.

He's always making an effort to do things with me he doesn't enjoy.

Like going outside.

He is an indoor cat.

Maybe it won't be that bad.

Leonard says it's really mainstream now.

Comic books aren't just for sad nerds anymore.

I mean, it is still a key part of their demographic.

BERNADETTE". Howie, can you get that?

HOWARD". Kinda busy!

BERNADETTE: Busy like I'll be with the baby if you go to San Diego?

(FOOTSTEPS RUSHING)

- Hey.

What's with the gloves?

They complete my ensemble. What do you want?

I'm looking to make extra money,

and was wondering if you had any chores I could do.

Hang on.

Bernie, can I outsource my chores to an Indian guy?

BERNADETTE'. No!

I tried.

Hey, I was thinking, if you wanna do a couples costume,

we could paint ourselves green and be Hulk and She-Hulk.

Or we could paint ourselves blue and go as Nightcrawler and Mystique.

Is there any scenario where we're not in full-body paint?

Yeah, if you want us to look like losers.

So, hey, um, are you sure the guys are okay with me coming?

Yeah, of course. Why?

This is just something you usually do together,

and if I'm screwing it up, I don't have to go.

Oh, why, do you... You not wanna go?

Why, do you not want me to go?

No, I want you to go.

Okay, good.

Because that's what I want, too.

Now we're going as Hulk and She-Hulk!

I don't wanna take my shirt off at Comic-Con!

If I may speak for Comic-Con, "We don't want that, either."

ls that nice?

No, but it's honest,

and it sounds like you could use a little more honesty in your relationship.

Uh, it's more complicated than that.

I'm always honest with Amy.

The other day, she said she was self-conscious

about the beauty mark on her shoulder.

And I said, "You can call that a beauty mark all you want.

"When there's hair growing out of it, that's a mole."

Do you think she's as honest with you?

Well, I should hope so.

When she called me an insensitive jerk, I'd like to think she meant it.

There's gotta be other ways you can make a quick buck.

Yeah, you'd think.

Oh, maybe I could sell my blood and sperm!

I really should wear a bell around my neck so you guys can hear me coming.

- Here, let me help you. - Thank you.

Oh, double-stuffed Oreos, I remember when I could afford you.

- Ugh, there she goes. - Wait, stay, I'll get her.

- I appreciate it. - That's fine. She and I can cry together.

He's such a sweetie.

I know. I wish there was some way we could help him.

If he could find a girl with a job, all his problems would be over.

Yep, that's working out great for me.

Penny says they're ready to go.

(SIGHS) Very well, prepare for a long night of deceit.

(SIGHS) Sheldon, women can wear makeup, it's not lying!

I was talking about Leonard.

And if makeup is so truthful, why is it called "concealer"?

Wait, wait, wait, what's Leonard lying about?

He doesn't really want Penny to go to Comic-Con,

he's just doing it to make her happy.

Really?

Because she doesn't actually want to go, she's just doing it to make him happy.

So, they're both trying to make each other happy,

and the end result is they make each other sad?

That's hilarious.

I can't wait to tell them.

No, you're not gonna tell them anything. You're gonna stay out of it.

- Why? - Because it's between them.

Well, if you haven't noticed, I've been between them for the last 10 years.

- Hey.

- Hello. - Hi.

- Hey babe, you wanna drive? - Sure. Or you can.

No, it's fine. I know you don't like the way I drive.

I don't have a problem with your driving.

Are you listening to this? They deceive each other about everything.

AMY: Shh.

Just so you know, that guy in the parking lot hit me.

He wasn't in a car, but okay.

PENNY: Just say you wanna drive.

LEONARD: I honestly don't.

Amy, do us a favor, please drive.

Sure, happy to.

If you wanna drive, just drive!

I don't see why this has to be so complicated.

It's not complicated! Amy's driving, that's it!

That's not it, because you're clearly upset.

You're the one who seems upset.

Why would I be upset?

Because you don't want her to go to Comic-Con!

This is an interesting way to stay out of it.

Wait, you don't want me to go?

Well, (SIGHS) ljust don't think you're gonna have a good time.

Yeah, well, get this! Neither does Penny, that's why she doesn't want to go.

You set 'em up, I knock 'em down. Good job.

Why would you say you wanted to go if you didn't?

I just thought it would make you happy.

(STAMMERING) Okay, hold on, so if you don't want to go,

and I don't need to bring you,

is everything good?

Hold on, I'm trying to decide if I'm mad at you.

No, I'm happy, I don't have to go!

- Okay, problem solved. Yeah. - Okay.

Not entirely. The fight over who's going to drive is still going--

Oh, my God, stop talking!

The place looks great. Did you guys get a maid?

Kinda.

Dinner's almost ready.

If you like meatloaf, I'm sure you'll like its cousin, bowl of meat.

If you're still looking to make money, I will pay you to burn that jacket.

Thank you, but it doesn't look like I'm going to Comic-Con this year.

Well, with as much debt as you have, probably not next year, either.

- Howie? - Sure.

This is for you.

What's this?

It's back pay for all the babysitting and taking care of Halley you've done.

There's more than enough in there to cover Comic-Con.

Um, I also take care of Halley.

-(SIGHS) - And you live here for free.

I do, ma'am. Thank you, ma'am.

This is so generous of you. (STAMMERING) I don't know what to say.

Now you can come with us!

Yeah, there's room in the bed by Sheldon's feet.

As much as I appreciate this, I can't accept it.

Okay? Halley's my goddaughter, I don't take care of her for money.

I would.

Keep it, consider it a gift.

(STAMMERING) Hold on! ls it back pay or is it a gift?

What's the difference?

When the IRS questions us in separate rooms,

we need to have our stories straight.

It doesn't matter, I'm not keeping this.

I'm trying to pay my own way and be responsible.

Taking handouts won't help that.

So you're not going to Comic-Con?

(SIGHS) I've been plenty of times.

If I miss one, it's fine. I'm a big boy.

I'm a big boy, and if I missed one, I'd throw a big boy tantrum.

You know what? I've gone 12 times.

Maybe I'll sit out this year, too.

- Really? -(MUMBLES) Yeah.

Maybe you and I can do something fun that weekend.

Ooh! How about whitewater rafting?

(STAMMERING)

How about we compromise and go on the Small World ride at Disneyland?

You know what? I'm not gonna go, either.

I'm a father now. I'd rather spend time with my family.

You just don't wanna go alone with Sheldon.

I'm gonna go check on dinner.

Sounds like everyone's staying home. What do you say?

Nuts to that! I'm going to Comic-Con!

BY Yourself?

Not necessarily.

I have four months to find some new friends.

I'll go with you.

That's very kind of you, Stuart.

Check back in with me in July.

There's my pretty girlfriend.

I'm not going with you to Comic-Con.

You... What?

Can't a man just be happy to see his woman

and pat her on her second-most erogenous ball-and-socket joint?

He can, but it's still not changing my mind.

Well, maybe what's in my pants will change your mind.

It's a list of this year's panelists.

It's long, isn't it?

English - SDH