Original subtitles

Some people are destined for greatness,

born under a lucky star.

But me, I was destined for disaster.

That was the story of my life.

Only I would get kidnapped in the middle of a kidnapping.

Last thing I remembered, I was zapping Roxy,

and then I blacked out.

It had to be Christian.

He abducted that girl in Brazil.

Who else could it be?

Stella Rose?

Roxy?

Hola.

- Why would you? - What? Kidnap you?

Why were you gonna kidnap Roxy?

Because I was worried she was gonna beat me at Regionals.

If that's what this is about, I'll drop out. I promise.

Oh, you think I'm threatened by you? Dream on.

Then why?

Bob Armstrong.

He doesn't coach me anymore.

He coaches her.

Not when we get through with him.

Let me go. You'll get caught.

You'll go to jail. - No.You'll go to jail.

You stole the truck, you tried to abduct Roxy,

and I've got the proof.

I still can't believe you let her do that to me. It hurt like a bitch.

Well, I had to make it look authentic.

Help!

- Help! Help! - Ah, I knew we should have gagged her.

I've been kidnapped by two crazy bitches. Help!

Help! Ow! Ow!

I couldn't believe that this was actually happening.

That I might have a threesome

with the two people I loved most in the entire world.

I had always been taught that you couldn't have your cake and eat it too,

but maybe that was wrong.

Maybe this was my chance to be fully happy.

What if life could actually be this delicious.

Could we really make a meal of this?

Could the three of us be happy together?

Mom?

I thought he was at a Drew Barrymore book signing.

That's what he told me.

- Abort! Abort! - Okay.

If Patty were here, her car would be here.

Uh, maybe my mom knows where she is.

Mom?

- Ooh! - Hey, Mom...

I didn't hear you come in.

- What's going on? - What?

I thought you hated Dad and you wanted Bob dead.

- Oh. - No.

There's no reason to hold a hold a grudge.

Besides, your father and Bob generously offered to help me redecorate the bedroom.

- That's right. - Like I was saying,

I really think wall sconce's will give the space the oomph that it deserves.

- What do you think, Bob? - Oh, yeah.

I have so often been known to say that you can never go wrong with a sconce.

Mmm.

Coralee, have you seen Patty?

- Uh, no. Why? - Whose underwear are those?

- Mine. - Mine.

Thanks. Bye.

Oh, no. Wait. Brick.

Brick, we still need to talk.

No, we're fine. If Mom forgives you, so do I.

Oh, my God.

That was really close.

Do you think he bought it?

Fifty-fifty?

Oh, my God.

- We should tell them Patty's missing. - No way. We're not going back there.

But it's a huge deal that Patty missed Drew Barrymore.

That's like you missing a State Championship wrestling match.

Okay, look, when we spoke to her, she said she forgot about the book signing,

so maybe... maybe Drew's not as important to her anymore.

Maybe... maybe she's changed more than you think.

If she doesn't turn up by morning, yeah, we freak out.

But until then, go get some sleep.

They're gone.

Phew!

Great. Where were we?

Bob, are you crazy? Brick could come back at any time.

Well, um, let's get a hotel or...

Or we could just call it a night.

No. Let's... we can't lose the momentum. Come on.

I know, Bob, but I have an early appointment tomorrow.

And we gotta get up early in the morning

to talk to Roxy about her hair for regionals.

So, I guess...

this is goodnight?

I couldn't let this slip through my fingers.

- You coming? - I don't know.

I mean, if we're not getting divorced and we're not breaking up,

where do I sleep?

I'll get a hotel room.

After we coach Roxy, we can all meet there.

Tomorrow? Yeah? Lunch?

Hmm?

Everyone game?

I had to find a way to get out to save Bob

and also my ears.

That's beautiful.

Where did you learn to play the harmonica?

It was my talent when I was a pageant girl.

Speaking of pageant girls, where is Roxy?

She's with Bob Armstrong getting ready for Regionals.

He'd be suspicious if she didn't show up.

The hell is that?

We're in the middle of nowhere.

If you scream...

I won't. I'll... I'll be quiet and...

No. You don't have to.

I fucking hate that bitch.

What the hell's going on here?

You guys make breakfast tacos?

- We got some hungry hunters out here. - I wanna eat a taco.

We're closed.

Go hunt your own breakfast.

You can't hunt a wiener.

Help!

Help! I've been kidnapped.

- What the...? - My daughter. She's mentally ill.

Sh... sh...

Shit.

Bye.

Oh!

Patty!

What the hell's that?

I don't know.

Let's kill it.

Oh, shit.

Got it.

Seriously? I'm a taco.

I had no map, no phone,

just a wienie suit slowing me down.

Señor Wienie may have saved my life,

but if I was going to save Bob's, I needed to move faster.

I'm thinking an updo.

It'll show off the neckline of the dress, and you know what they say,

- "The higher the hair, the closer to God." - Okay. Hands off.

Bob back seat driver Barnard.

- I am the coach. - Mm-hmm.

Now, usually, I wouldn't do a butt cut.

It can make your nose look bigger but,

with the shape of that mouth.

- What's wrong with my mouth? - Oh, nothing, baby. It's perfect.

Yeah. For a porn set.

It has taken over your face

and a middle part might offset that huge, horizontal line.

- Is he always this bitchy? - Only when he hasn't eaten.

We need to talk about extensions.

But they are expensive.

I will see if I can pull a favor at the salon,

and while I'm there, I will get this steamed.

I will see you at lunch.

No, gotta bring around front.

Dad.

I just got an email from the Miss Magic Jesus board

and they're reinstating me.

- I am now Co Miss Magic Jesus with Patty. - Oh, wow. Congrats.

Thanks! I have no idea how this happened.

Well, I called them and told them it was my fault that you cheated.

I couldn't live with myself having ruined your reputation.

That's amazing.

Just in time for me to sign up for Regionals.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what? - I thought you were done with pageants?

I was, but at rehab I realized

I only wanted out because you put so much pressure on me.

Now that you're not, it could be fun.

Plus, I miss the girls and the camaraderie.

The excitement of competition and that tense moment

right before they announce my name.

- All right, look. Slow down. - And...

Your therapist said pageants can be triggering,

and just talking about it you're getting all amped up.

I'm not amped. I'm excited.

All right. Well, I just... I just think, for now,

we should focus on your sobriety.

Why? So you can focus on Roxy?

I thought you wanted me to reach out to her?

If you didn't want me to compete, then why did you bother to fix this?

Because it was the right thing to do.

I think I liked you better when you didn't have integrity.

Magnolia...

Can you give me that candy?

What the hell!

You can't just sneak up on people like that.

And you can't be in Patty's house. What are you doing here?

Making muffins.

Looks to me like you're squatting.

No, it looks to me like she's standing.

I mean, she's living inside the empty house, and it's illegal.

Wouldn't be the first time I broke the law, right Brick?

- You need to go like now. - But my muffins!

Have you seen Patty?

- She's probably with her boyfriend. - What boyfriend?

Some guy named Christian.

He left her a gift.

Ooh.

With a card.

"Dear Patty, I love you.

I see the real you and I'm never letting you go.

Love, Christian."

- Do you think Christian... - It's time to call your Dad.

So, does that mean I can wait for my muffins?

- No! - No!

Whoopsie.

That's cool. I'll just be dirty.

Dad, why aren't you answering your phone? You didn't pick up, I called the deputy.

- He said you'd be here. - What's the emergency? Everything okay?

No.

Patty's missing. We think her psycho ex-boyfriend abducted her.

Nonnie, this is Patty we're talking about.

You told me yourself she's been acting crazy.

Heard anything? My dad is totally freaking out.

No. Guys just checked Swallow Creek. It's already gone.

- What happened? - Somebody stole the Weenmobile.

It's supposed to be at the Schwarz Bar Mitzvah, see?

But this came up about an hour ago.

I have no idea who could've taken it.

That's Patty's handwriting.

Oh, my God. What if she stole the truck?

Why would she do that?

Regionals are coming up

and she goes crazy when she's stressed.

So if she stole the Weenmobile,

she's probably binge eating everything inside.

Good news is we don't have to save her from Christian.

No.

We have to save her from herself.

Dad. Put out a BOLO on the Weenmobile.

I had to recapture the magic of the night before.

If I could have them both, I wouldn't have to choose,

and that was the only way I could truly be happy.

- Hey. - Hi.

Wow, Bob.

You really outdid yourself.

Well, I wanted things to be perfect.

This is unchartered territory, so...

Um...

What... what's that?

I'm not sure, but...

it looks effective.

I thought it best to have toys

in case two of us are busy and the other one is...

Oh.

Okay, Bob, I don't think I can do this.

What? No. Okay, look, fine, we'll lose it.

See? Putting it away.

Sorry.

No, it's not just whatever that is, it's just the whole... the whole thing.

I'm... I'm just not sure

I'm the type of person that can have a three-way.

Wait. No. This was your idea.

I know, I know, but that was last night.

I got super caught up in the moment and...

you know, I got to admit, it was kind of hot

seeing the two of you make out, okay,

but it feels kind of dirty.

Oh, no. Look.

This is about more than sex for me.

I want us to be together like a couple, but... but all three.

Like a... a thruple?

Yeah. That.

Oh, I don't know, Bob, that seems kind of out there.

But... that doesn't mean it's a bad idea.

I wanna be able to stay with you,

but I don't wanna feel there's this part of me

that's always longing for more.

Yeah, but... I don't need more.

I'm happy with just you.

I thought I didn't need more either...

and then Bob kissed me.

What if it's everything you never knew you always wanted.

Oh, hey, what's wrong?

Uh...

I got into a fight...

with Magnolia.

Oh, sweetheart, sit down.

Do you wanna talk about it?

I'm trying to do the right thing,

but I feel like I just keep screwing it all up.

I feel like a failure.

I mean, if you're a failure, then there's no hope for the rest of us.

Bob, ever since I first met you, I've wanted your life.

We both have.

Really?

'Cause I always wanted yours.

The two of you, you have something Etta Mae and I never had.

A real marriage.

Real intimacy.

I want this.

This is right here.

What do you mean?

Maybe...

what we have...

we can share.

Bob was screwed because of me.

There was no way to warn him about Roxy and Stella Rose.

Not a single car had passed in two hours.

But wait, was my luck turning around?

Was something good finally going to happen?

Shit.

Amazing what you can pick up at Walmart.

Oh, I got handcuffs too.

Hope purple doesn't make you look fat.

Now get in.

What?

Oh.

Aren't you Dixie's mom?

Yes, I am, hotsicle.

Give a lady a hand.

Ooh. Why?

How can I help you?

I'm looking for Patty Bladell.

Well...

you upgraded and...

I happen to have a thing...

for younger men.

- Hey, that's my girlfriends bracelet. - No, it's mine.

Bullshit. It has a GPS tracking chip that I used to find her here.

That is pretty intense Stalker, Texas Ranger.

I'm not a stalker.

I need to know where she is at all times, at least until she takes me back.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm not judging.

Everyone has their quirks.

You stalk, I'm a terrible person.

Plus, I appreciate someone who won't take no for an answer.

But I'm telling you, you're going about this the wrong way.

What do you mean?

Winners win at any cost.

You need to be willling to go to an alliance to get what you want.

Hello. I tried putting a tracking device on her.

I'm pretty sure that's going to any lengths.

You're sitting on the sidelines. You need to get in the game, son.

You need a grand, romantic gesture.

Oh, like the boom box in Say Anything.

Look...

just figure out what Patty wants more than anything in the world

and you figure a way to give it to her.

Can't believe I'm taking life tips from someone who lives in a cardboard box,

but good advice is good advice.

I can't believe baby Jesus sent me a hot teen werewolf, so...

I have been kidnapped by the same people twice in one day.

It was a perfect metaphor for my life.

Every time I thought I made progress, I ended up in exactly the same spot.

Don't count on those hunters coming to your rescue.

After your litle stunt, we moved this truck so far away

even my bloodhounds couldn't sniff you out.

She's not going anywhere.

Let's go, Momma. Time to lower the boom on Bob.

Why are you helping her?

What did Bob ever do to you?

Other than being the reason I grew up in foster care?

What did he have to do with that?

I was too devastated over losing him to raise a child.

Because you got dumped?

Wow, you're crazier than you look.

I'm not crazy.

Another text from Nonnie.

She and a guy named Christian have sent her like a million.

Text her back. If she don't answer, they'll get suspicious.

"Sorry I ghosted.

Laying low.

Freaking out about the competition."

Later loser. Next time I see you, I'll have a crown on my head.

I thought if I lost weight, I'd have a fresh start.

If people liked me, if I had a boyfriend,

if I got the crown,

but none of it mattered.

It was always the same story,

which meant I couldn't save Bob and I couldn't save myself.

Roxy was right.

I was a loser.

Always had been.

Call it a curse. Call it bad luck.

Call it fate.

No wonder bad things kept happening to me.

Bladell women never win.

Hey. I need you to hook me up.

Why? I heard you got clean.

I did.

I mean, I am.

My dad won't let me compete at Regionals because he thinks pageants are a trigger.

You know what's really a trigger?

Him letting my secret half-sister be in pageants instead of me.

I wanted him to make things right with her, not replace me with her.

Fuck him. He's clearly doing what he wants to do.

Why don't you?

You're right.

I'm gonna go over to registration,

I'm gonna sign up for Regionals,

and I'm gonna kick Roxy's ass.

You sound pretty sure of yourself.

Not worried about the competition?

I am the competition.

I've never lost a pageant,

and I never will.

Need a ride to registration?

I had spent so much of my life feeling like a loser,

but that day, I felt like I had won at life.

We had the cake.

We ate it,

and it was more than just sex.

We had shared real intimacy.

- Oh, no, no. - No.

You may be able to ignore your dad, but I can't.

Supposed to have a meeting later.

Something tells me he's gonna strip me of my senior partnership.

I gotta go.

Try not to have too much fun without me.

So?

What do you think?

Well...

it was weird,

and crazy,

and there were a lot of arms, and legs, and beards.

But did you like it?

I loved it.

Maybe it was everything I never knew I always wanted.

Who knew this would be the next phase in our marriage.

- A thruple? - I know.

There's so much to work out. Where we're gonna live.

What we tell the kids.

Oh, ugh.

Roxy has a huge zit on her face.

I have to do a pre-pageant skin-tervention asap.

Well, go. We'll catch up later.

Gotta shower first.

Can't have me coaching looking thoroughly three-wayed.

Bob?

I really do love you.

I really, really love you.

They always say good things come in threes.

I had Coralee, I had Bob.

All that was left was Roxy winning Regionals.

Hi, Bob.

What are you doing here?

Did you really think that Roxy was gonna leave me for you two hole punchers?

What? I don't understand.

Your services as her coach are no longer required.

Actually, they never were.

We played you.

I wanted you to think that you were finally gonna get everything you wanted.

To finally know what it felt like to be a winner,

coaching a real champion,

only to have it all ripped away...

by me.

That's sick.

You are sick.

Oh, you have no idea.

So, how does it feel to be left out in the cold?

Actually, it feels fine.

What do you mean, it feels fine?

I just told you your pageant dreams are over,

and you can't go running back to Patty.

I don't care.

And believe me, no one is more surprised than me.

Pageants are your drug of choice. They're the most important thing to you.

I guess...

I guess not any more.

I don't understand.

I know.

You'll never understand what it feels like to be loved this completely.

To feel this satisfied.

What are you talking about?

Because you think love is a zero sum game,

and that is why you will always be alone.

Don't you dare judge me...

after everything you put me through.

I will never...

let you be happy.

I will never let you win.

I already have.

Stella Rose...

are you okay?

No, definitely not.

But I will be once I'm through with you.

What are you gonna do?

Well, a bit of a change of plans.

I was just gonna let Bob think he could have Roxy

and then rip away his pageant dreams,

but I... I had to make sure he wouldn't go running back to you.

- I-I don't understand. - And that's why we grabbed you.

Take away his plan B.

But now, I'm gonna make sure

that he is never happy about anything ever again.

What do you mean?

I'm gonna kill you...

and make it look like you took yourself out because of him.

I'm gonna rig this hose to the exhaust pipe.

You'll die of asphyxiation.

You're insane.

You know, I-I-I-I wasn't.

I spent a year in a psycho ward and I was fine.

But then Bob came back into my life...

because of you, and...

it all just...

came flooding back.

And now he's gotta pay.

Bob will blame himself for your death.

And he'll never get over it.

My best friend, her dad is a cop.

- You'll never get away with this. - I will.

Because your suicide note is gonna be very, very convincing.

Now, you make sure you get this verbatim.

"Dear Bob, I thought you loved me..."

Why aren't you writing?

I don't want to.

Do it or I'll put your face in the fryer!

"Dear Bob,

I thought you loved me.

I thought you were my role model,

a father figure

and that maybe one day, even more,

but now I know...

it's never gonna happen...

since you abandoned me.

And I don't blame you

because I'm a loser...

and I don't deserve to live."

What are... what are you doing?

Painting a picture.

Suicide was your last resort,

but first, you turned to the only friend you ever had.

A fudge weiner.

And when you couldn't numb the feelings with the food,

you took your own life.

Mmm-mmm.

No, that's not who I am. That's not who I am anymore.

Bullshit.

You'll always be Fatty Patty.

That's your legacy.

I had never heard it said out loud

or seen it written down all at once.

The suicide note I was writing,

the picture Stella Rose was painting,

that was a story I'd been told my whole life.

Here.

Enjoy it.

Mmm-mmm.

It'll be your last meal.

Bon appétit...

Fatty Patty.

But that's when I realized, it was only true if I believed it.

Bad things would only keep happening to me if I thought that's what I deserved.

It was time to write my own story.

I wasn't a loser when I was fat,

and I wasn't a loser now.

I was a winner,

and winners win.

Period.

Stella Rose only had it half right.

Food had been my only friend, but now it saved my life.

Besides, she was the least of my concerns now.

I was a winner,

and I got to Regionals registration just in time to prove it.

Hi. Patty Bladell.

Miss Magic Jesus.

Oh, my God, you're alive,

and sticky.

Sorry.

How'd you guys know I would be here?

Nonnie's dad put a BOLO out on the wiener mobile.

You know, the one that you stole.

I'm sorry. It's a long story.

I can explain more later.

Wait, wait. Where are you going?

Magnolia says she has something that'll help me win Regionals.

- Why would she want to do that? - I have no idea.

But at this point, I could use all the help I can get.

I'm gonna call you later, okay?

But my dad's truck?

Okay.

- Good? - Mm-hmm.

Ooh!

Uh...

What's all this?

We thought it would be fun to cook you dinner.

And I have great news. I got my first investor for Tampazzle.

And how'd it go with my dad. Are you still senior partner?

I need to talk to you...

alone.

What's up?

Well, it really is just between you and me, so...

Well...

The only way this is gonna work for all three of us,

we... we can't keep secrets from each other anymore.

I-I agree.

I mean, any good relationship is built on the foundation of trust.

Hold on. What exactly do you guys think is going on here?

- What? - What do you mean?

It's what we talked about, the three of us together, like a thruple.

A what?

Uh, like a couple, but with three.

No, I never agreed to be in a relationship.

I just figured the three of us would have sex sometimes

so you didn't feel left out.

So I didn't feel left out?

What... what is wrong with that?

Well, it kind of sounds like you were taking one for the team.

Well, I told you I was gay emotionally.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, I knew this was a terrible idea.

No, no. It wasn't.

I will not be a sex toy.

- You're not. You weren't. You're not. - Okay.

And I will not be the third wheel in my own marriage.

That is not what he is saying.

Well, that is kind of what I'm saying.

No. No. No.

It doesn't work if it's not all three of us.

For you, Bob, for you. But it works for me if it's just us.

Look, I just gave up my entire political career for you.

What are you talking about?

That's what I wanted to tell you in private.

Your dad said he'd back my campaign for Mayor,

but only if I broke up with you.

He what?

Yeah.

He said he didn't want his gay son in the public eye

and that it was a small price to pay

for me to get what I always wanted.

Except what I really always wanted was you.

I picked you Bob,

and now, I need you to pick me too.

You need me. But...

He's right, Bob.

This isn't fair on either one of us.

No, no, no. But... but you... you said...

I said I would try.

And we barely tried, and it was...

so good.

We... we...

we had fun.

We had great sex. We were connected.

It was... we had everything.

Bob.

It's not gonna work.

It's time to choose.

But...

if I choose,

either way I lose.

Well...

if you don't choose, you're gonna lose us both.

Magnolia?

Hey, beautiful.

What are you doing here?

I was supposed to meet Magnolia.

I know.

Come here.

Christian?

- What did you do? - It's a grand, romantic gesture.

You said you were worried about the competition, so I took care of it.

Magnolia doesn't even do pageants anymore.

She is. She went back and she never loses. So...

Is she...

dead?

Not yet. I just roofied her and kidnapped her.

What do you mean, not yet?

I figured...

we could do that part together.

What makes you think that I would ever...

You said you wanted to be a winner,

and winners win at any cost.

I didn't mean this.

- What are you doing? - What kind of person would kidnap someone?

What?

Me. I-I would.

I would kidnap someone. I tried.

What are you talking about?

I tried. I tried to kidnap Roxy, my biggest competition.

See? We are the same.

The only thing that stopped me was that I was kidnapped first.

You... What? How'd you get away?

I did some pretty dark shit.

Great.

So, let's do some more.

- You want me to... - Kill her.

- No. - Yes.

You said it yourself. There's no demon.

That everything bad you've ever done,

it's just you.

That doesn't make me a killer.

Why not? We killed that homeless guy.

This isn't the same.

Stop fighting it.

Embrace it.

Be the demon.

Patty?

Patty, what's happening?

I didn't know what was happening.

Could Christian be right about me?

Was this what it meant to be a winner at any cost?

Maybe I still had my story all wrong.

Maybe I did deserve all the bad things that happened to me.

Not because I was a loser, but because I was just bad.

Patty, do it now. She's seen us. You have to.

- Do what? - Patty, now.

Do it or I will.

No!

Ow.

Magnolia, run.

You idiot.

She'll go to the police. We'll both go to jail.

I was protecting her.

You think that makes you what, a hero?

You're the villain.

- No, I'm not. - Yes, you are.

Every time you try to do something good, you fuck it up.

- That's not true. - You pushed Dixie off a truck.

- You dumped her out of a wheelchair. - Stop.

You ruined Bob's life.

- Tried to kidnap Roxy... - Stop talking.

- And you would have... - Stop talking.

Face it.

You're a bad person.

I'm a good person! I'm a good person!

- Patty. Stop. - I'm a good person.

- Patty? - I'm a good person.

I'm a good person.

I'm a good person.

I'm a good person.

I'm a good person.

I'm a good person.

I'm a good person.

I'm a good person.

They had asked me to choose, but how could I?

For me, it was an impossible choice.

I had tasted true happiness, and then...

poof, it was gone.

And now I had nothing.

No pageant winner, no Bob,

no Coralee.

I was destined to die alone.

But Patty Bladell had other plans.

Thank you for coming. I'm so sorry, I didn't know who else to call.

Patty, what happened?

Oh, my God!

Okay. Please. Bob, you have to help me.

Tell me exactly what happened.

We are not calling the police. We can't.

Why not? It was self-defense. He was dangerous.

Only after the first few blows. You must have hit him, like, 37 times.

Oh, my God.

You think I'm a murderer.

No, I didn't say that.

I'm a bad person. I am a bad person.

- I'm... I'm worse than bad. - Patty? Calm down.

I don't even know why you're here. I ruined your life.

'Cause you also saved it.

What are you talking about?

I was gonna kill myself when you called tonight.

Oh, my God. Bob.

And it is the second time it has happened.

The first time, when you called to say you wanted to do pageants,

I had a gun in my mouth then, too.

I never much believed in destiny,

but I am starting to think you and I,

we're fated.

I feel that way too.

You saved my life.

Twice.

Now I am going to save yours.

Whoa, whoa!

Take off your clothes.

Now?

Is this some kind of turn on for you?

No, they are covered in blood. We gotta get rid of 'em.

Come. I've got something you can wear in the car.

What the fuck?

What the fuck?

Stop screaming. Someone might hear you.

This has been the worst day ever!

I tell you, I should have killed myself!

Otherwise what else could possibly go wrong?

Well...

I may have...

also...

sort of...

killed Stella Rose.