All language subtitles for Insatiable.S01E07.WEBRip

We all want to please our fathers,
and they, in turn,

want to love us with all their hearts.

Today was the day
of Miss Magic Jesus,

and I couldn't help but wonder if there
was something to this spiritual stuff.

I had made progress with Brick,

Patty had stayed the course,

and I was starting to think
if I had enough faith,

maybe Patty could actually win the crown.

Noah's humble,
but fierce protection of his family

under such difficult circumstances...

And to top it all off,
Coralee was finally reaching out.

Maybe Pastor Mike was right.

With God, all things were possible.

Nothing could go wrong.

Lessons on fatherhood
are everywhere in Scripture,

and we just need to open
the good book to find them.

And tonight, we will choose the girl
who best answers that question

to become Miss Magic Jesus.

But first, let us praise him with song.

"O God, Forsake Me Not."

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

I don't need to see anymore. God!

- Did you take that video yourself?
- God, no. I'm no pervert.

But if you don't want me
to show it to Pastor Mike,

I am gonna need Patty
to drop out of Miss Magic Jesus.

So, not a pervert, just a blackmailer.

If I hadn't intercepted it,
this video could have gone viral.

Patty's life would be ruined,
and your coaching career would be over.

So... think of me as your hero.

Save it, Bob.
You are not doing this for me.

No, I'm doing it for Magnolia.

Patty stole two boyfriends from her,
made her feel like a loser.

Nobody messes with my daughter.

I've never lost anything
in my life...

and I lost two boyfriends
to Patty Bladell.

What does she have that I don't?

32DDs.

But I bet she has
stretch marks all over 'em.

Don't worry, our daddy's making sure
she'll never do another pageant again.

He's not "our daddy."

I told you to keep her away from liquor.
Cough syrup has alcohol.

It does? But it tastes like candy!

Did my plan to blackmail
Bob Armstrong work?

I talked to him.
He has an hour to tell me.

But it doesn't matter if Magnolia
can't even stand up to compete.

Oh, she's fine. Look.

Just slip these on here,

prop her up like this, and...
Oh, okay. See.

Hi!

Oh, thank you.

Oh, I want world peace
and, um, kitties for everybody.

You never should have shot that sex tape.
It completely sent Magnolia over the edge.

Daddy, I was thinking, if Magnolia's
not keeping up with the Barnard image,

I can.

With you behind me, I could go all the way
to Miss American Lady.

Think of the headline.

Poor abandoned orphan gets adopted
and coached to a beauty queen crown

by the DA who threw her mama in prison.

Best pageant story ever!

I'm not your daddy,

you're not an orphan,

I didn't adopt you,
and this isn't about image.

Magnolia's in trouble.

She's having a crisis of confidence,
and she needs a win.

But first, she needs a shower.

A sex tape?

On the day of the pageant?
Are you kidding me?

Is it possible for you
to have a single day

without insane "let's blow up
everybody's life" drama?

Now that I had Christian,
I didn't want Bob to love me in that way,

but I didn't want to lose his love
as a father figure.

He was the first man
who said he would stand by me.

I'm sorry. I didn't...

Yeah, I am very, very disappointed in ya.

How did we look?

Get off my car.

Sorry, just asking.

Oh, my God, Bob. You saw me...

Oh, I don't want to discuss it.

I just have to figure out
what I'm gonna do.

I mean, I can't let Barnard
show your father that tape.

Wait, if he shows him, I'm screwed.
I'm already on thin ice.

I mean, if my mom's willing
to send me to jail...

I can't believe this.

I'm the only virgin in history whose life
is about to get ruined by a sex tape.

Really?

Wait, how can you be a virgin
if you two...?

Oh...

Uh...

So there was no P in the V.
He just kind of made out with my...

Stop. I saw enough
to know what was going on.

Wait, if you didn't actually have sex,
maybe it isn't a sex tape.

Wait, what do you mean?

We'll hit Pastor Mike
with a legal precedent.

Or should I say "president"?

Clinton, that is.

He did not have sex with this woman.

It's all sex in the eyes of the Lord.

- But technically...
- Sex is sex, Bob. That's my ruling.

Please don't kick me out.

I didn't say you were kicked out.

All premarital sex is a sin,
no matter how you slice it.

But kids your age,
they're like geysers full of hormones.

The important thing is, Patty,
you've confessed your sins

and you've taken responsibility
for your actions,

and that shows me that your baptism
has had a real impact on you.

And it's never gonna happen again, right?

- Patty?
- No.

Then I would say you embody exactly
what Miss Magic Jesus is all about.

You can stay in the pageant.

It was a miracle.

Maybe the heavenly father was on our side.

But the devil wasn't through with us yet.

Stella Rose, what are you...?

We had a judge drop out
at the last minute,

and Stella Rose
graciously agreed to fill in.

Hello, Bob.

Is Roxy gonna be in the pageant?

Oh, no.

I already qualified for regionals
when I won Miss Bareback Buckaroo.

She's just here
to check out the competition.

I've never seen
Magnolia Barnard in action.

Stella Rose suggested adding
a new segment to the competition,

Bible Trivia Quiz.

Now, I think this is a great way
to set us apart from the secular pageants.

But we don't have time to study for...

Besides, any girl who's deserving
of the crown of thorns

already knows her Bible.

Pastor Mike,
Stella Rose has a conflict of interest.

Years ago, she was my pageant mentor.

It did not end well.

She may give Patty a low score
to try and settle an old one with me.

Oh, come on, Bob, that's ancient history.

Maybe you and I should go to lunch

and see if we can
put our differences behind us.

What are you doing?

Stella Rose obviously
just came here to screw us.

She wants to screw me.

No. This is between me and Stella Rose.

I am gonna try and convince her
to back off and leave you out of it.

Hold on.

Look, what about the Bible quiz?

She obviously came up with that
to stack the deck against me.

I don't know dick about the Bible.

Maybe start by not saying "dick"
and "Bible" in the same sentence.

Look, you are a straight-A student, Patty.

You know how to do this.

Go home, lock yourself in a room,
and start cramming for Christ.

The only way
to get Stella Rose to back off

was to make her believe she'd already won.

Sure, there was still hope
for me and Coralee,

but Stella Rose didn't need to know that.

All I am saying is leave Patty out of it.
You already got what you wanted.

You broke my heart, Coralee left me.

The only way to really break your heart
is to get you out of the pageants.

Which is why
I'm going to obliterate Patty.

Eating your feelings, Bob?
Aw... Just like fresh manure.

Ahem. Bob Barnard.

The Bob Barnard?

This is Stella Rose Buckley,
my... pageant mentor.

Oh, you've mentioned her before.

I'm a last-minute judge for the MMJ.

Oh, lucky us. You know,
my daughter's in the pageant.

Magnolia Barnard. She's the one to beat.

Not the only one.

Stella Rose brought
her star coaching client, Roxy.

They are here to scope out
the competition.

I need to get some ketchup for my tots.

What do you mean, "not the only one"?

Are you talking about Dixie?

Patty's still in.

We went straight to Pastor Mike
and confessed about the sex tape.

He let her off with a slap on the wrist.

Barnard! Six hard wieners

- and an order of Ween Rings!
- Oh, that's you, Bob "Blackmail" Barnard.

Barnard!

I'm coming. I heard you the first time.

Roxy was Stella Rose's daughter?

I practically soiled
my low-rise Calvin Klein boxer briefs.

If Stella Rose was Roxy's mom,
could I be her...?

Who's Roxy's father?

I'm sorry?

She's going to the gym, Mom.

- Why didn't you tell me?
- It never came up.

Is she mine? I did the math.
Twenty years ago,

- you and I...
- Drop it, Bob.

This lunch is over,
just like your pageant career.

Could it be possible that all these years
I had another daughter

and I never even knew?

If Roxy was mine, any hope of saving
my marriage would be a distant memory.

I couldn't speak to Coralee
until I knew the truth.

Wakey-wakey.

Drinky-drinky.

- No, it's too hot.
- Snap out of it.

Oh!

You could have popped out my veneers!

- Your what?
- The covers on my two front teeth.

They were all messed up
when my mama found me.

They're shaved like
shark teeth under there.

- Gross.
- You're gross. Drink your coffee.

I'm not stupid! I'm smart!

I know how to slice tomatoes,
and I know how to wear a backpack.

Stop yelling.

Let me cool that off for you.

I'll be right back.

You know, at my house,
we got these special little ice trays,

and you can make ice cubes
of all cute little shapes and sizes.

Oh, we got hearts,

and we've got some stars and unicorns,

and, um... oh, we got balls.

Little balls, big balls, medium balls.

Here you go, sister.

We're not sisters.

You're right.

From now on,
it's every Barnard for herself.

- I'm really glad you called.
- Mm.

Yeah, I wasn't sure
it was going to happen.

I dialed up your number
and hung up about 72 times.

Yeah, I know. Caller ID.

Relax, it's only a date.

I'm not asking you to shave your head,

order the NFL package,
and get a cat together.

Yeah, can we not call it a date?

Hey, you okay?

Do you know the Bible is 1200 pages long?

Uh, cool.

Look, I know we haven't spoken
since the confession,

but I need your help.

They added a last-minute Bible Trivia Quiz
to Miss Magic Jesus, and I'm screwed.

Hang on.

Did you know they added
a Bible Trivia Quiz to Miss Magic Jesus?

Yeah. But I know that shit cold.

Nonnie, I'm freaking out.

Bob's already pissed at me
about the whole sex tape thing, and I...

Wait. What sex tape?

Long story.
I'll tell you when you get here.

Come over and help me study? Please.

I'll be right there.

Sorry, I'm gonna have to take
a rain check.

Patty needs me.

So, just to be clear.

Is this not a date because
you wanna ease into the girl thing,

or is it because
you're still hung up on Patty?

You know what?

She can figure it out on her own.

That's my girl.

Uh... Not "my girl," I mean...

- Well...
- Babe, relax.

It's just a date.

Sex tape? This is my worst nightmare.

I know, which is why I called
this emergency meeting.

- Will you help me out?
- Who's the guy?

I don't know.

But I do know that when teens act out,

it is time to start looking
at their home life.

So you're saying this is my fault.

Of course not. You are a shining example
of chastity and self-control.

Look, it's not all on you.

What's Patty's relationship like
with her dad?

I... I don't know who he is.

And what was your relationship like
with your own dad?

He ran off when I was in kindergarten.

And did your mom ever date?

Were there other men in the house?

She had a boyfriend.

Gordy.

Uh, he lived with us until I was 13.

What age did you start
acting out sexually?

Fourteen.

Promiscuity, fairly common
among young women

who suffer from a lack
of father-daughter connection.

Now, if it were me,
I would encourage Patty

to lean into her positive
male role models.

- If she had any.
- She does.

Bob is her godfather.

Encourage him
to be as involved as possible.

And limit negative male influences.

Which means, whoever is on that sex tape,

keep Patty as far away from him
as possible.

Saul became the Apostle Paul.

When Nonnie blew me off,
I reached out to Christian.

Who better to help me learn the Bible
than a pastor's son?

Are you listening?

Mm-hm. Sorry. Sorry.

I just can't believe Nonnie blew me off.

She's in love with you.

You don't feel the same way.
Things are bound to change.

Yeah, but we've been best friends
since we were three.

She knows me the best out of anyone.

Maybe we should get
to know each other better.

Stop. This is how we got in trouble
in the first place.

Bob's already so mad at me,
and if I blow the pageant,

it'll make it even worse.

We need to study.

I could just steal the quiz questions
from my dad's computer.

Cheating in a Jesus pageant
seems especially sinful.

If God can forgive murder...

then stealing quiz answers is no big deal.

Hey!

I rang the doorbell, but nobody...

What...? What is he doing here?

He's helping. Give him a chance.

Christian has the inside track on what
Pastor Mike might be asking on the quiz.

Inside track?

I hope you two are not cheating.

No, definitely not.

- How'd it go with Stella Rose?
- Complicated.

Christian, give us a minute?

Sure. I'll go grab a soda.

I came to drop off your dress
and the steamer.

You will need to de-wrinkle
your Sunday best dress yourself.

- I have something I need to take care of.
- Wait. Are you blowing me off

'cause you're still mad at me about
the sex tape? 'Cause I can do better.

Roxy is Stella Rose's daughter.

No way.

I think I'm her father.

- What?
- Roxy's 19.

The math adds up...

and it makes sense.

Stella Rose and I
would make the perfect pageant girl.

You think Roxy's perfect?
But what about me?

This isn't about you.

Of course it is. Today is the biggest day
of my pageant career.

Yeah, and if Roxy's mine,
this could be the biggest day of my life.

I have to get Roxy alone and find out what
she knows before she gets out of town.

Can't you just, like, wait?
The pageant is just hours away.

If Roxy is mine,
I cannot wait another minute.

Look, I know this timing is terrible.

I am sorry.

But I promise I will be back
to do your hair and makeup.

If perfect Roxy
was really Bob's flesh and blood,

he would ditch me for sure.

Unless I could show him
I was a real contender.

What was that about?

Steal the quiz answers.

What Bob doesn't know won't hurt him.

Now, we just need to make sure
Magnolia wins.

- I'm not sure I can go through with it.
- You...

Now, you and I both know
you wanna take down Bob Armstrong.

And the best way to do that
is to make sure Patty loses.

- Now, I need the answers to that quiz.
- Why?

If Magnolia's unbeatable...

I still wanna give her every advantage.
She's my daughter.

Yeah. You're father of the year.

So, what do you think of Masonville's
signature food item?

More delicious than it should be.

Told you. It's the cumin mayo.

Hey, hun.

Dad. What are you doing here?

Getting some food
for the boys at the station.

What are you up to?

I'm having lunch with...

With...

Dee. My name is Dee.

It's nice to meet you, Dee.
I'm Hank.

Hi.

Dee's a friend, a new friend.

Oh, you girls go to school together?

I go to Emory.
I'm just in town for the pageant.

We met at a coffee shop...

where I was drinking coffee...

with Choi...

who's a guy.

Well, I don't really care
who you have coffee with, guys or girls.

Why don't I stay for a minute,
get to know your new friend?

No, thanks, we're good.

- Or you could have Dee over for dinner.
- Dee has Miss Magic Jesus.

Nonnie, why don't you and I
go together to support her?

Been a while since we had
a daddy-daughter date,

and I would love to see
your new friend compete.

- Nice to meet you, Dee.
- You, too.

See you tonight, hun?

You know he knows this is a date.

He was doing everything he could
to let you know.

What? That's not true.

- You could have just told him.
- No. If I tell him, that means I'm...

What? Gay?

Perish the thought.

I don't know that I am, okay?

But I do know that I'm not ready
to open up that whole can of worms

unless I know that this is, like...

- a thing.
- Uh-huh.

And when will you know if this is a thing?

Ask me after the date?

You're lucky you're cute.

Roxy's text said
she'd be at the gym.

I had to find out
what she knew about her dad.

But, because of my history
with Stella Rose,

it would be tricky to get her to talk.

Luckily, I was seasoned
at questioning witnesses,

so if anyone could get a confession,
it was me.

I just had to find a way in.

Roxy, what a nice surprise!

That I'm working out
in the only gym in town? Suck it, Bob.

Oh, shit!

You distracted me, I went 15 seconds over
my 30-minute workout. Now I have to...

Go to 40, 'cause you gotta
end your workout on a zero minute.

Yeah. How did you...?

I have the same odd OCD thing.

Drives my wife and kids crazy.

That's nuts.
I've never met anyone else who has that.

Was it a happy accident,

or evidence that she was
the fruit of my loins?

I just found out that
you're Stella Rose's daughter,

and I wanna know who your dad is.

I have no idea
who my biological father is.

I only found out Stella Rose
is my biological mom a year ago.

She put me up for adoption,

and I went searching for her
when I turned 18.

She said my bio dad died in an accident,
but it was too painful to talk about.

Stella Rose might be a liar,
but DNA always tells the truth.

Oh, shit!
I just got called into the office.

Figures. Didn't even break a sweat.

Let me get you a fresh towel.

- You made a sex tape?
- What?

- How did you...?
- Pastor Mike told me.

- Does he know who the guy is?
- No. It doesn't matter.

He's concerned.

And honestly, so am I.

Look, I'm not judging you.

I've been there.

When I was your age,
I thought it was a badge of honor

to have sex with a bunch of guys.

- It was just one guy, and we never...
- And it ended up getting me pregnant,

and not having an answer for you
when you asked me who your daddy was.

And I think that's why
you're acting like this, like me.

And so, I'm so sorry...
just for all of it.

I probably acted out
'cause my dad abandoned me.

So I thought, well,
that's what men do, they leave.

Yeah, well, you were right, they do.
Bob abandoned me.

Today. On the biggest day
of my pageant career.

He thinks he might have a daughter
he never knew about,

- so he's off trying to figure it out.
- Well, you can still win without Bob.

No, I can't!

If I don't win Miss Magic Jesus,

then Bob won't think that
I'm the perfect pageant girl.

And then he'll blow me off and I'll never
get to go to Miss American Lady.

- Patty, calm down.
- I can't.

I did something bad,
just to make sure that I would win.

So there's nothing you can tell me
that I haven't already done.

Have you ever...?

Have you ever cheated?

On guys? All the time.

No, on a quiz.

I just sent Christian to go steal
the answers for the pageant Bible quiz.

Do you think I'm a horrible person?

I think you're an amazing person.

Which is why I don't think
you should cheat.

If you cheat and win, you'll never know
if you could have done it for real.

Don't sell yourself short
just because Bob let you down.

Look, I was a straight-D student,
and I don't know dick about Jesus,

but if you won't cheat...

I'll be your study buddy.

What do you say?

I say... maybe don't say
"dick" and "Jesus" in the same sentence?

What are you doing?

- Why is my computer open to the quiz?
- I, uh... I was curious.

Get out of there!

Tell me the truth.

- You know I can tell when you're lying.
- I'm not. I just...

No, wait.

Wait, don't.

Damn it. Who is she?

- Who?
- Stop lying!

You are stealing the answers for a girl.

Now we are not gonna
have another situation. Are we?

Dad, come on.

No, you come on!

I have spent months
defending you to your mother,

insisting that you're a good kid,
even after what went down in Brazil.

But she was right...

maybe you can't be saved.

Don't say that.
I just need another chance.

I am done defending you.

It's up to your mother now.

Magnolia! Where are you?

Drinking coffee.

Want a sip?

- Oh...
- Hey.

Hey.

Dixie!

- Come here, sit down. Sit down.
- Ugh...

- Yes, Daddy?
- I told you to get her hydrated.

This is full of booze.

She must have gotten into
the liquor cabinet when I wasn't watching!

You know what they say,
alcoholics always find a way.

Go get me the Alka-Seltzer Plus
from the upstairs bedroom.

Come on, Magnolia, this is your future
we're talking about.

If you blow this,
you could lose your sponsor,

and then there goes any chance
of a college scholarship.

Scholarship?

Since when are you worried
about a scholarship?

I'm worried about my winner.

This isn't like you.

Hey, are you gonna let Fatty Patty
steal this pageant from you too?

No.

- I hate that bitch.
- Good.

Then get your head in the game.

Here.

What's this?

The answers.

To the Jesus quiz.

I know what it feels like when
the chips are down. But we Barnards,

we can always turn things around.

Sometimes all it takes is a win.

Hey, it's Bob Armstrong. Leave a message.

Bob, it's Angie, Patty's mom.

Patty tells me you're out finding out
if you have another daughter.

Well, let me tell you something.

You're the closest thing
Patty has to a dad,

and I will not stand for her
to be abandoned again.

So, if you don't get yourself
to that pageant in 30 minutes,

I'm gonna go full Mama Bear on your ass.

Bye.

The pageant was starting soon.
I couldn't believe Bob was still MIA.

Watch out, Miss Magic J.
We're here today and we're here to play.

Thanks, Dad, for your help.

I'm gonna go set up my station.

- How'd you get her to pull it together?
- Well, we had a come to Jesus.

What did he say?

He...

That...

That's not what that...

- Ow.
- Ugh... I'm sorry.

I'm just not used to doing this
on someone else.

It's not your job. Bob should be here.

He will be.

Hey. I'm sorry
I couldn't help you earlier.

Well, I'm glad you're here now.
I need my bestie to cheer me on.

She's cheering for me.

Dee is the girl I told you about,
the one who asked me out.

Oh. Uh... So is this a thing?

- Yeah.
- It is?

Oh. Um...

I thought our date went well.

But if you disagree...

Come on, let's set up
my station somewhere else.

I don't like the energy over here.

It is about time
Nonnie came out.

But I gotta be honest, I always
thought she was in love with you.

Guess who?

I am so sorry,
I should have been here earlier.

I didn't mean to make you
feel abandoned on your big day.

Where were you?

Getting a DNA test for Roxy.

- And?
- Still waiting on the results.

I just wanna talk to you for a second.

I got your message, and I want you to know
I would never abandon Patty.

I need you to promise me
that if you're in Patty's life,

she's safe.

Yeah, of course she's safe.

I want you to show up for Patty
like you would your own daughter.

Come on, let's hot roll that hair
and win this thing.

It was all about me, for now.

But what about when
he got the DNA results?

I needed to show him
I was just as good as Roxy,

which meant I needed to win.

Stone cold chillin', JC

JC, just you and me

Chill, chill, chillin', you see

By the Sea of Galilee

I got a notion
That this motion by the ocean

Is the potion I need

I think you get the gist
You the top of my list

State of bliss

Eucharist

Swear to God I need a fix

State of bliss, crucifix

Thank you, Jesus, that's my mix

That's my girlfriend.

And now for the second coming.

The pageant seemed unwinnable.

Between Stella Rose being a judge,
the Bible pop quiz,

invincible Magnolia Barnard,
and now Dee with her mad rapping skills...

Jesus better be deep inside me.

I needed all the help I could get.

That hat needs work.

It's too plain Jane.

You'll disappear on stage
like a sinner on Judgment Day.

You liked it at the store.
Maybe if you were here sooner...

Hat, please.

Oh, hey, Patty. Bob.

Oh, damn it!

Roxy, what are you doing backstage?

All-access pass.

Oh, that looks great, Bob.

Almost jealous you're not my coach.

Not even done yet.

He's really trying to focus, so...

You know, I thought
Magnolia was the one to beat,

- but now I'm rooting for you.
- Really?

Crushing you on the big stage
at regionals would be super satisfying.

Good luck out there.

Did you hear what she just... Oh!

Now that is Sunday at its best.

Mm-hm. Now get out there and win!

Okay. Thank you. Thank you.

It's now time for the Bible quiz
in which our five finalists

will put their knowledge to the test.

Ready, ladies?

Which prophet declared himself to be

"a man of unclean lips"?

- Patty.
- Isaiah.

Correct!

Second question.
What lost item did the prophet Elijah

cause to float
to the surface of the Jordan?

- Magnolia!
- An ax head!

- Correct!
- Micah!

Samuel!

Wild gourds!

Joel!

Correct.

Did you see that? Magnolia kicked my ass.

- Something's up with her.
- It's only a third of the score.

You'll be fine.
You just gotta nail the interview.

Remember what we talked about,
find a way to bring up the Resurrection.

If anyone understands
a second shot at life, it's you.

What is going on with your phone?

Oh, sorry.
I'm just waiting on the DNA results.

Bob, what if I win?

That would be amazing.

What if I win,
and Roxy's really your daughter,

and we both go to regionals?

Who will you root for?

I guess I'll root for both of you.

You can't.

Only one of us can have the crown.

Please welcome back our finalists
for their last interview questions.

Bob didn't even know
if Roxy was his daughter,

and he was already giving her
all of his attention.

I thought he would always be on my side.

But maybe I was wrong.

...final round of competition.

There can only be one winner
of the Crown of Thorns tonight.

Only one of you can represent
the tenets of Miss Magic Jesus.

So, let's dive a little bit deeper
into your relationship with the Big J.

Each of our five finalists

will step forward
and answer the question:

How is Jesus inside of you?

Jesus is the greens in my salad.

I eat him with every meal.

He's my superfood.

Oh, kale-no.

When people body-shame me,
Jesus is the cheerleader

on the inside of me, chanting,
Dee, Dee, listen to me

Don't listen to that rot

Your body is rockin'
Your body is hot

Jesus is my drug of choice.
He gets me high.

With him, I can fly.

I breathe the Lord in and I am focused,
free and totally me.

Jesus is like my inner personal trainer.

He inspires me with his perfect abs
and his rockin' hair.

God help us all.

Patty, how is Jesus inside of you?

I never knew my dad.

He abandoned me before I was born.

And I've, um... been looking for someone
to take his place ever since.

I thought I'd found
the perfect father figure,

someone who would
stick by my side, always.

Now I'm not so sure.

I don't know if Jesus is inside me...

but I do know his father
never abandoned him.

Well, maybe for, like,
a second on the cross.

But then he was resurrected
three days later by the Father.

I mean, that's pretty much
the greatest dad moment, like, ever.

So if Jesus, or God, or the Holy Spirit

can be a father that never abandons me...

I'm all in.

I was in the top three,
which meant I could actually win.

And the winner is...

- Magnolia Barnard!
- Yes! Yes!

Sure, I was first runner-up,

but second place was first loser.

Everything I had worked for
was over, everything.

Of course Magnolia won.

She had a father,
one that was always there for her.

I never even thought about
doing pageants before Bob.

And if I couldn't count on him,
then what was the point?

Patty, I am so sorry...

Save it, Bob.

I would have won if you had
actually shown up for me.

Bob Armstrong.

You got the DNA results?

- I quit.
- Patty, wait.

What'd you find out?

Bob was supposed to be
my godfather,

responsible for me
for the rest of my life,

but he couldn't even make it through
Miss Magic Jesus.

My mom was right,
I couldn't count on any man.

Christian?

Hey, what are you...?

My parents are done with me.

They wanna send me to military school.

So I'm skipping town, tonight.

Of course you are. Everyone leaves.

I want you to come with me.

Seriously?

- Where?
- Hollywood.

I wanna go to the Whisky,
the Rainbow Room,

see where Van Halen played,
Guns N' Roses.

Oh, my God.

Maybe I could meet Drew Barrymore.

Patty... I promise,

if you come with me,
I will never, ever leave you.

It's late, Bob. What do you want?

Answers.

Roxy is your daughter.

Did you know?

Yes.

Now so do you.

I don't... understand.

When did you and Stella Rose...?

When you ended things with her
20 years ago,

she tracked me down and seduced me.

But why would she...?

She wanted to get back at you
for breaking her heart.

What better way than to sleep
with a guy you hated since high school?

Hate is a strong word.

Oh, come on, Bob,
everybody knows you hate me.

It's as much a part of you
as your dad belly.

She was gonna throw our affair
in your face,

till she got pregnant
and her plan bit us both in the ass.

I wasn't about to let it ruin my marriage
or the Barnard name,

so I paid her to keep quiet.

And to put Roxy up for adoption?

Well, that was her choice.

How'd you find out?

I thought she might be mine,
so I ran a DNA test.

Luckily for me, you're the DA
and your DNA's already in the system.

How much is your silence worth?

Oh, God.

Not everyone has a price.

Maybe you just need a win.

I found this... Magnolia's things.

It's the answers to the Jesus quiz.

Magnolia cheated.

If the pageant board found out,
she'd be disqualified.

Patty was the first runner-up,
she'd get the crown.

I can't.

Magnolia will be devastated.

It's just a pageant.

If anyone finds out about Roxy,
it'll blow up my entire family.

Was he doing it to be a good dad,
or to protect his political career?

I didn't care.
All I could see was the crown.

Come on, Bob.

You know Magnolia's already
struggling with drugs and alcohol.

I'm trying to protect her.

If she finds this out...

it could send her over the edge.

Now, you... You wouldn't wanna
be responsible for that.

She won!

Magnolia got disqualified,
and Patty is Miss Magic Jesus!

- Come on, let's go tell her.
- She's gone, Bob.

What? Where...? Where is she?

Well, I wish I knew.

I just went to her room to check on her...

and I found these.

Daddy!

Daddy, come quick!

What is it?

Hey, Mags.

Baby, wake up.

Wake up, baby girl. Call 911 now.

Don't worry, Daddy,
we'll get through this as a family.

Dixie, call 911 now!

Now!

Hey, sweetheart,
you gotta wake up and look at me.

Come on, baby girl, look at me.

I feel like Drew Barrymore in Guncrazy.

Guess that makes me James Le Gros.

Wait, you know that movie?

No one knows that movie.
You are blowing my entire mind.

Then I guess this is fate.

We were meant to be.

What was that?

Anything important?

No.

Nothing at all.