All language subtitles for The.Big.Bang.Theory.S09E01.1080p.BluRay.x264-SHORTBREHD.English

HOWARD: Previously on
The Big Bang Theory...

Well, there was this girl.

- What did you do?
- Nothing!

Really, it was just kissing.

(SIGHS)

- All right.
- So we're still getting married?

Yes.

Because we love each other.

Yes.

And it's the happiest day of our lives.

(LAUGHS) Don't push it.

I need some time

to take a step back and
re-evaluate our situation.

Oh.

Bye, Sheldon.

Well, Gollum...

You're an expert on rings.

What do I do with this one?

So what package are you thinking?

Mmm, this one comes
with music and flowers.

Oh, they even stream the whole thing
live on the Internet.

Why would we want that?

'Cause there's a lot of
gorgeous blondes out there

who don't believe they can land
a short, nearsighted scientist.

Let's give them hope.

Whatever, put us on the Internet.

I always wanted a wedding
with a comments section.

Hey, if you're not into this,
we can do it another time.

No.

No, I want to. Look, we've put this off
long enough. Let's do it.

Aw! It's exactly what you said
the first time we slept together.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Oh, excuse me.

It's Sheldon. Hey.

- Leonard, have you gotten married yet?
- No, why?

- Good, don't do it!
- Why not?

Some important new information
has come to light.

Women are the worst.

I thought it was paper cuts,
but I was wrong.

No piece of paper ever cut me this deep.

What happened now?

Amy has ended our relationship.

- Oh, no. Seriously?
- What's going on?

Amy broke up with Sheldon.

She did?

Is Penny crying?

- No.
- No, of course not.

They thrive on our suffering.

Buddy, I'm so sorry.
Is there anything I can do?

Yes. If I ever talk about
going out with a girl again,

roll your eyes at me like I do to you
when you say dumb things.

Sheldon, okay. Just because
you're going through this with Amy

doesn't mean all women are bad.

Whatever.

Hey, I just heard about you
and Sheldon, are you okay?

Not really, can you come over?

Uh, actually, I'm in Vegas.
Leonard and I are about to get married.

Hold on. You're getting married
and you didn't invite me?

Well, it was kind of
a spur of the moment thing.

Wow.

Hope I can catch the bouquet from here.

Amy, don't be like that.

Why did I just hear Amy's name?

Penny's on the phone with her.

Did she say anything about me?
Never mind, I don't care.

Well, if you care,
you can find out and tell me.

Just don't be shocked
when you find out I don't care.

Okay, will you relax?
You're not missing anything special.

Hey.

She's upset.
Look, it's gonna be a great wedding.

Look at you in your little suit.

Amy's upset? Is it about me?

No, I think it's because we're eloping.

Your marriage is causing her pain?
Yeah, great, I take it back.

Go ahead and do it. Yay for love.

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

- Hello.
- Oh!

What are you doing here?

When last we spoke,
you said you needed time.

Well, it's only been 11 hours.

The Lord of the Rings trilogy
was nearly 11 hours.

I made you watch that,
you said it was an eternity.

Sheldon, when I'm ready to talk,
I'll let you know.

Very well.

You seem to be headed somewhere.

May I walk with you?

Sure.

Boy am I glad we're going out again.

We're not back together.

Why? Well, is there someone else?

Just couldn't wait to put that first notch
on your bedpost, could you?

If you must know, I'm going to Howard
and Bernadette's to watch the wedding.

And who's this guy you're taking?

There's no guy!

Oh, you're going to a wedding alone?
That's sad.

I'm not gonna be alone,
I'll be with my friends.

Your friends.
Well, I think you mean my friends.

And why wasn't I invited to this?

Maybe because the two of us being there
would make them feel awkward.

We make everyone feel awkward.
That's our thing!

They're running a little behind.
Should be pretty soon.

Okay.

Hey, if you're hungry there's a breakfast
buffet at the strip club next door.

Thanks, but I don't like glitter
on my scrambled eggs.

I don't think the strippers
prepare the meal, but okay.

Look, it's not how I pictured it, either,
but I'm still glad we're doing it.

- Me, too.
- You sure?

- Yes.
- And you promise you're okay

with everything from the car?

Oh, my God, would you stop bringing it up?

You're right. I'm sorry.

We have the rest of our lives to dredge up
stuff from the past and fight about it.

So what do you think?
Should we run next door and grab a bite?

Well, what if they call our names?

Don't worry, they gave me
this vibrating coaster.

Oh, and the fairytale continues.

- Thank you for doing this.
- Our pleasure.

You feeling okay?

We were together for so long,
I honestly don't know what I'm feeling.

Well, that's understandable.
You forgot. It's called "happy".

- Howard.
- I'm not saying anything bad.

Just that she was in love with her captor
and somehow managed to escape

from his dark and crazy dungeon.

I know what you're going through,
my last breakup was pretty tough.

Oh. What was her name?

Hey, it's a true story.
I don't need the third degree!

(GASPS)

For God's sake.
Sheldon, what are you doing?

I didn't want to come in. I was told
it would make everyone feel uncomfortable.

So I'll just stay out here and pretend
that I don't have to go to the bathroom.

- Howard, do something.
- I'm on it.

Sheldon, you being here
might not be making things better.

I see. And is that why
everybody was invited but me?

They didn't invite everybody but you.

Bernadette invited me
and Stuart lives here.

Who wants hot cinnamon rolls?

So, when you hear the music,
that's your cue. Any questions?

The package we paid for said the aisle was
supposed to be strewn with rose petals?

- Where are the rose petals?
- WOMAN: We're out.

You know what, it's fine.

WOMAN: We can use the potpourri
from the bathroom.

Okay.

- Really, we're good.
- Yep, just wanna get married.

- Yeah.
- Great, I'll see you two up there.

- This is it.
- I know.

I love you.

I love you, too.

WOMAN: Was that a yes or no
on the potpourri?

- No thank you.
- We're good.

Raj, you're probably wondering why

Amy and I aren't showing
any affection to one another.

Didn't even crack the top ten.

Well, you should know
she recently broke up with me.

I said I needed time to think.

I'm sure you guys
will figure something out.

You hear that? Raj is devastated.

Sheldon, shh, the wedding's starting.

I see what's happening. Sides are forming.

Well, if Bernadette's on Amy's team,
I pick Howard.

- I'm not taking sides.
- Fine, I guess I'm stuck with Raj.

- Really?
- At least you got picked.

Before I go any further, have either
of you prepared your own vows?

LEONARD: Yes.
PENNY: No.

- You wrote vows?
- Yeah.

I don't have any,
you're kind of making me look bad.

It's okay, I don't have to say them.

No, go ahead. I'll come up with
something mushy, you'll cry. We got this.

Penny.

"We are made of particles
that have existed

"since the moment the universe began.

"I like to think those atoms traveled

"14 billion years through time
and space to create us

"so that we could be together
and make each other whole."

Wow.

Penny?

Right, um, okay.

Leonard. Um...

You're not only the love of my life,
I mean, you're my best friend.

And...

(RECITING "YOU'VE GOT A
FRIEND IN ME" FROM TOY STORY)

Is that the song from Toy Story?

- He loves that movie.
- (VOICE BREAKING) I do.

- Aw, that was beautiful.
- Yeah.

- I mean, not like our wedding beautiful.
- No, we totally won.

You know what, Amy? I don't understand.

Are we broken up or not?
It's like you can't make up your mind.

It's because you're not giving me
any space to think.

Well, you should think fast because
men can sire offspring their entire lives,

but those eggs you're toting around
have a sell-by date.

You know what, Sheldon.
You've made this really easy.

You're immature, you're selfish.
You just insulted me to my face.

I don't need any more time to think.
We're broken up.

Amy.

MINISTER: (ON TV)
...take this man to be your husband?

- Will someone take me home?
- Yeah. Come on, I'll give you a ride.

MINISTER: (ON TV)
...symbolizes your eternal love.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

- We did it!
- I'm so glad you guys could watch.

We'll say it was beautiful
in the comments section.

Hang on.

I believe I'm supposed to carry you
across the threshold.

Can you?

Who do you think carries Sheldon to bed
when he falls asleep in front of the TV?

Okay, let's do it.

(LEONARD GRUNTS)

- You gonna make it?
- I'm okay.

Nicely done.

Thank you.

Finally there's a Mrs. Hofstadter
who isn't disappointed in me.

- Oh, the night is still young.
- (CHUCKLES)

Everything all right?

Yeah, I guess.

Just tell me.

It's just, when we were kissing,

I couldn't help
but picture you with that other girl.

Oh, no, no. Come on.

I have a friend in you, you said so.

You're right. Just forget it.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Okay, listen.

If you're imagining that
it was sexy, it wasn't.

We were both drunk,
and she smelled like an ashtray.

The boat was moving a lot
so I chipped her tooth.

Did you feel guilty?

No, she had dental insurance.

Did you feel guilty after kissing her?

Yes, I felt guilty as soon as it happened.
I feel guilty every time I see her.

What do you mean every time you see her?

What

do I mean? Boy, that's a toughy.

- You still see her?
- Well...

No, not socially.
But you know, just at work.

- You work with her?
- (SIGHS)

- How could you not tell me that?
- I wanted to tell you in the car,

- but you told me to stop talking!
- Okay, so you're saying this is my fault?

No, of course not. Okay, look.

Instead of fighting, why don't we
dim the lights, get naked and make a baby?

I was trying to lighten the mood.

It's not easy, you try it.

- Hello, Mother.
- Shelly, how's my baby doing?

I just wanted to let you know you can
remove Amy from your nightly prayers.

Unless you're open to praying for
a beehive to fall on her head.

Oh, what's going on?

- She broke up with me.
- Oh, Shelly.

I'll be okay, but I think that I'd like
to send the ring back to you.

Well, let's not be hasty.
Are you sure it's over for good?

It's over for me. I'm done with women.

Like when I swore off Pop Rocks.
They both hurt you on purpose.

You wanna tell me what happened?

Are you going to say
it's all part of God's plan?

- Good chance.
- Then no thank you.

Well, honey, don't send it back yet.

Your sister's married, and I'm not letting
your brother give my grandmother's ring

to that whore he's dating.

Wasn't Mary Magdalene
a woman of ill repute?

When your idiot brother redeems mankind

he can date whoever he wants.

I know it hurts now,
but it's gonna get better.

Yeah, everything's gonna be okay.

You've got so much to offer.

Thank you.

Any man would be lucky to have you.

That's true.

I just hope I did the right thing.

I'm sure you did.

Maybe that's the problem.
You always do the right thing.

Maybe it's time to do the wrong thing?

Like you're doing right now?

Exactly.

I asked you over and over
if you were okay.

Why would you go through with
the wedding if you weren't?

I thought I was okay,
but it turns out I'm not!

Okay, listen.
I may not have been entirely faithful,

but you, you are not easy to lift.

Wow!

Well, marriage must agree with you.
You are just glowing.

I'm not glowing, I'm upset.

Well, whatever it is, it agrees with you.

SHELDON: Knock, knock, knock, Penny.

Knock, knock, knock, Penny.
Knock, knock, knock, Penny.

What's this?

Leonard told me what happened.

So I took it upon myself
to make you a hot beverage.

- Oh, that's so sweet of you.
- Yeah, I know.

But turns out being sweet isn't enough
to keep a girl these days.

I blame Madonna.

I'm sorry to hear about you and Amy.

I'm sorry about Leonard.

I thought I raised him better than that.

You know, it's bad enough what happened,

but then he tried to hide the fact that

he sees her all the time
at the university.

He does? Who is it?

Ugh. Some girl named Mandy.

- Mandy Chow?
- Yeah.

Oh, you don't need to worry about her.

She's brilliant and attractive.
She can do way better than Leonard.

That's great. (CLEARS THROAT)

(STAMMERING) Wait a minute,
I know this may sound far-fetched,

but I'm on the market now.

You know, if I dated Mandy, that would
teach both Leonard and Amy a lesson.

That's ridiculous.

Oh, you're right.
I could never be with a woman

whose self-esteem was so low
she'd be with Leonard.

I'm with Leonard.

Yeah, I know. Forever.

(SIGHS)

Who would have believed
these things would happen to us?

Right? (SCOFFS)

You know, I can't believe
Amy actually went through with it.

Hang on.

You knew that she was
going to end it with me?

Did you try and stop her?

Well, I told her to be true to herself
and do what makes her happy.

Do what makes her happy?

She plays the harp and her car is
paid for. How much happier can she be?

Okay. Look, it's not my fault that
she thought you were a bad boyfriend.

I see.

Well...

I think I'll be going.

- Sheldon.
- No, no, no. We are done here.

(PENNY SIGHS)

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

Would you mind opening the door and
then angrily slamming it behind me?

- Sure.
- Thank you.

And slam it hard
because I am pretty steamed.

All right, Leonard, hang in there.
Talk to you tomorrow.

What happened? They just got married.

I don't know, it's a mess.
They had a huge fight in Vegas.

Think they'll break up?

I don't know, sounds pretty bad.

Penny's back in her apartment
all by herself.

Really?

Would you like to hear another reason
why men are better than women?

Sure, let's make it an even hundred.

You would never kiss me and make me
say I love you and then break up with me.

I wouldn't.

Yeah, and you know why?
Because you're a man.

The champagne of genders.

Well, I may be a man, but I think
I'm the one that screwed up on this one.

Yeah, well, and you admit it, like a man.

All you hear women say is,
"I'll just have a salad," you know.

"Where's my lip gloss?"

"I think this element
should be called radium."

That last one was Madame Curie.

I figured that out.

You know what?
She was kind of an honorary man.

She had a penis made of science.

I can't believe I'm spending
my wedding night with you.

Really?

I never imagined it any other way.

English - SDH