Original subtitles

(SNORING)

(SNORING CONTINUES)

Um...

Hey, could you stop snoring?

Thank you. Yeah.

I think it's the breathing through the nose.

(MOANS)

(SIGHS)

That's it, that's it. Just a little bit more.

(COOING)

Come on, it's easy. Just...

Fine, suit yourself, dog breath.

What have you been eating?

Yeah.

There you are.

Present and accounted for.

Yes, I will let you in this time.

What surprise?

No, no, no, I don't like surprises.

All right, I like surprises.

I just don't like not knowing what they are in advance.

Yeah, I know it's not.

What?

Uh, nothing.

What are you doing?

Great, 11:00.

I'll be ready.

(ALARMS BEEPING)

All right.

There we go.

(SNICKERS)

(SIGHS)

Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.

(SCATTING SOFTLY)

Hey, loser! It's me!

(CHUCKLING IN ANTICIPATION)

(RUBBER SQUEAKING)

Mmm?

(RUBBER SQUEAKING)

Hello.

Where are you?

Don't be an idiot.

(SQUEAKING RUBBER APPROACHING)

Did you see that guy? He was right behind you.

I'm so sorry. I thought he was following you.

He was following me.

Exactly! That's what made me think he was following you.

Because I invited him.

Well, how am I supposed to know that?

You're a clever boy, you could have worked it out.

He was hiding in the bushes.

Dropped the keys. I told you I had a surprise.

Try not to ruin my shoes, they're new.

I'm sorry, but why would your surprise be

a weird-looking creepy guy sneaking around the house?

It wouldn't. Good 'cause I wouldn't want that.

(CAR ALARM WARBLING)

Found the keys.

Ryan, I'd like you to meet my brother, Patrick.

Ryan, I'm so sorry

about the whole cricket-batting-your-head thing.

These things happen. Pleased to meet you.

Patrick, I'd like you to meet my fiance, Ryan.

Fiance?

Fiance.

We're getting married!

Patrick, Marilyn has told me so much about you.

Mmm. She never mentioned you.

Patrick! What, Marilyn?

Ryan and I have been working on this show together for two years.

I'm his makeup artist. You know that.

StarCrossed. Yes, the space soap.

You've seen it. Yes, once.

Yeah? It was by accident.

Well, we met on the show,

and I fell in love with Mookie the moment I laid eyes on her.

Mookie.

Ixnay on the Ookiemay. Okayway.

I'm not sure your code is secure.

You don't wanna know what she calls me.

No, no, I don't.

I call you Ryan? No.

(WHISPERING) Pepe?

No, the other one.

You know.

You are so dead.

So, he's staying? Oh, yeah.

Well, he can't have my room. He doesn't want your room.

What's wrong with it?

I'm sure it's a nice room. It's a great room.

It's just that Marilyn and I are gonna be married,

and we're used to sleeping in the same room.

We can share.

I don't wanna share. That's weird. Marilyn and I can share.

Well, then, I'll take my room. Let it go, Patrick.

The room that shares a wall with your room.

Hey, check it out.

(EXCLAIMING)

Hey!

I have to, um, go over there.

(DOOR OPENING)

(DOOR CLOSING)

I don't think we exactly hit it off.

It's okay, honey. Patrick's just a little strange.

Okay, a lot strange.

(MARS WHIMPERING)

Yeah.

He's a psycho.

He'll come around.

How can he not?

Where did Mom and Dad's furniture go?

What do you mean?

What did you do with the furniture?

Well, it's funny you should ask.

There are these things called Internet auctions.

Love them, they're wicked. And addictive.

You sold the furniture? You sold Mom and Dad's furniture?

A ton of other stuff, too. Stuff they left for us, both of us.

Well, believe it or not, there are people out there

who don't just think that all that junk is garbage.

That it's worth something. You mean, people like me.

Hang on a sec.

Just one second.

Oh! (CHUCKLES)

Is he sweet or what?

I'll go with "or what."

He's nervous.

If you screw this up for me, I'll kill you.

I mean it, be normal.

I am just being myself. Right, instead be normal.

I'm sorry, it's just kind of hard because...

Look at him.

I mean, what is this, some kind of a joke?

He's a gentleman, and I love him. He's an actor.

So what? So he lies for a living.

Not to me he doesn't.

How do you know? Patrick, I know.

He's a pro.

Look, people like you, you're not gonna see it coming.

You don't stand a chance. They train for this kind of thing.

(RUBBER SQUEAKING)

Here you go, chief. What is this?

Season 2, enough said.

No, no, I think I'll need a little more.

COLT ON TV: Out of that sea of stars

came all the elements that make me what I am.

Everything about you is so different and strange,

and yet I can't keep away.

(MOANING)

Oh, Colt!

This is wrong!

Baby, I don't know how I became the sky jockey I am.

It must be the stardust in me drawing me back,

despite the danger, to where I belong,

out there amongst the stars.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

AUTOMATED VOICE: Outer bay door has been activated.

Dock separation in one minute.

It is a cruel existence that keeps us apart.

Not as cruel as the evil I'm honor-bound

to track to the ends of this dark universe.

May our transmatter beams cross again, my golden stranger.

(AIR HISSING)

Don't look.

It's a surprise. Hmm.

Well, can't be as bad as the last one.

Go.

Karaoke! Karaoke!

(SNICKERS) Wrong again.

(ECHOING) Do you karaoke?

No, I don't do that.

That's a no.

It's like singing in the shower. I don't do that.

Come on, virgins first.

Why would you tell him that?

(FEEDBACK SCREECHING) Think I'm missing something.

Where are you going? To let the dog out.

RYAN: Who let the dogs out?

They're still going.

Take your time.

Go again if you want.

Mars?

Mars?

Oh, come on, where are you?

Oh, there you are!

What're you doing, lad?

They're still singing. Yep, it's you and me.

What have you found? Let's go see. Come on.

Ooh!

Is it dead?

PATRICK: (MUFFLED) Boy, I wish I could sleep. You guys asleep?

Yes, Patrick, we're asleep. Now shut up.

Hello!

Is that you, Marilyn? (SIGHS)

Shut up and go to sleep.

I'm doing a lot of tossing and turning.

I hope it's not keeping you guys up.

(SIGHS)

I guess we're not going to, you know, tonight.

PATRICK: Sorry, I didn't hear that.

What was the last part?

Say again.

Oh, come on.

Morning.

Oh.

That is just...

No!

Better than naked. Barely.

Hey, I'm making breakfast. You want in?

What is it, vegetarian?

No, this is for the crazy nothing-with-a-face Mookie diet.

What about fish?

What about them? She eats fish. Fish have faces.

Not cute, little, furry faces. Cute, little, fishy faces.

Hey, man, she's your sister.

This is for her.

And this...

(OVEN DOOR SQUEAKING)

is for us.

You hungry?

I will never be hungry again.

You sure?

I could eat.

(SNICKERS)

(SIGHS APPRECIATIVELY)

Ooh. Spider fight.

Oh, you can run, little creature, but you cannot hide.

And he makes it. What the...

(DANCE MUSIC BLARING ON STEREO)

♪ Move your body to make some heat

♪ In the motion There's a dance of love

♪ I can tell what you're thinking of... ♪

(MUSIC STOPS)

Hey there.

What are you doing?

Getting ready for the Christmas lights.

Yes, but the spiders... Now they could be anywhere.

(CELL PHONE RINGING) Whoa.

Sorry, buddy. I gotta take this.

Hi, there. Ryan here.

(GRUNTING)

Baby, she's nothing to me. Nothing at all.

I need the freedom. I need the heat that I get from you.

Until she's gone, we'll never be together.

With her out of the way, we've got the world,

the power to be who we wanna be.

(CHUCKLING)

I know, I know. That's why I love you.

I knew it. I knew it.

He is a liar and a cheat.

He's probably gonna make a play

for the Internet auction money as well.

Look at him.

Look at him, he's out there talking about getting rid of my little sister,

and you, you fell for it!

(WHINES)

(GRUNTING)

What forms are those? Is that tae kwon do?

Not exactly.

I recognize some of the moves.

Maybe you do,

or maybe you just say you do.

Where did you train?

Right here.

I'm sorry? Video games.

Deadly martial arts, punching ones, mostly.

That's different.

I'm a human Xbox.

Really?

Well, I guess that could be a good way to learn.

You?

Oh, I just did a little fight choreography,

a bit of karate, out at Burbank.

(EXCLAIMS)

Oh, no, no, no, I couldn't.

All right, I guess I could do a little sparring.

(EXCLAIMS)

(BRANCHES CRACKING)

No, really, I'm good. Thanks.

(SWORD VIBRATING) Come on. One round.

I'm okay.

What did you do?

What did I do? I'm the one bleeding.

We were sparring. It was an accident. Tell her, Patrick.

He hit me.

Nice.

(SIGHS)

Ha! What's stopping you now, actor boy, huh?

Not these brakes.

What the...

Oh, my.

Oh, please don't hit my car.

(CRASHING)

Please make my car have stopped it. (BRAKES SCREECHING)

(CAR HORN HONKS)

Maybe slowed it down a bit?

(CLATTERING)

Hey.

Hey.

What you doing?

Of course, right, yeah.

You're... The ax and the wood.

You wanted a hand?

Please.

I used to love splitting logs.

Really? That's nice. If you could just

hold this steady for me, it'll all be over so much quicker.

Don't miss.

I won't.

(SCREAMING)

What have I done?

RYAN: You okay?

Hit your leg pretty hard.

(WHIMPERING)

I guess we're good for wood.

I really need to talk to you.

I'm listening.

What is that smell?

Well, it wasn't me.

No, I didn't mean that.

What did you mean?

Are you mad at me?

I don't know. Should I be?

If we're gonna fight, can you at least let me know what it's about?

Or what, you gonna hit me?

What? What would I... Oh, I get it.

No, no, no, maybe we should just duke it out, huh?

Don't you start.

Why not? It worked so well with Patrick.

No, seriously. Would you stop, please?

Making him bleed will win him over.

We've been through this.

A brilliant, pugilist solution to intra-family conflict.

I never actually hit him.

Pugilist means hitting, right?

Apparently.

Mookie, I don't need for him to be my best friend.

Good.

I'd settle with just being able to be in the same room as him.

Exactly. Without him wanting me dead.

Here comes the melodrama.

Oh, that hurts.

So does being karated in the nose.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Go away, we're fighting.

PATRICK: I'll wait.

See, this is exactly what I'm talking about. Gas, that's the smell.

Definitely gas.

Thought you might like a sundae. What?

Spoons are in the kitchen by the oven.

(SIREN WARBLING DOWN) You're so cute with your little fists.

MAN ON RADIO: That's a negative, dispatch. Negative on the gas.

I just don't want it to mess things up for us.

How's that?

And by "it" you mean Patrick?

"It" seems more appropriate.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

MAN 2: And all the burners? Over.

You cozy?

I could be cozier. You need medical services? Over.

Could you now? Mmm-hmm.

MAN 1: wandering around the house with some kind of active firework. Over.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

MAN 2: You want police? Over.

MAN 1: Hey, you ever watched that show, StarCrossed?

They should have it aired out in no time.

MAN 2: The space soap? Over.

Is there another blanket?

PATRICK: (COOING) You are so beautiful to me. Yes you are.

Well, I hope you're not planning on being up all night.

It's beddy-byes for tired, little doggy woggy.

(LOCK ENGAGING)

(TUB SQUEAKING)

Here we go. All right. Right.

(GROANING)

Perfect.

Take your time. Oh!

Oh, no, no, no, it's not... I was...

No, no, I wasn't. I was... I don't wanna know.

No, no, no, you can't go in there. I can't not.

Believe me, it's no longer a matter of choice.

No, I'm saving it for Ryan.

Excuse me? Oh!

And excuse me.

No, no, no, you can't...

Shoot.

Morning.

Ew!

Well, feel free to move around the house. I'll save your place.

Thanks.

(TOILET FLUSHING)

Freak.

Yeah, shower's just at the back there.

Okay.

(URINATING)

(TOILET FLUSHING)

(SHOWER RUNNING) Yes!

Oh, yeah, that's normal.

Whoa, what're you doing? What?

Well, the shower... Aren't you running the shower?

I am running a bath for Marilyn.

Hey, Mookie. Your bath's ready. Thanks.

Are you gonna put those Christmas lights up today?

Sure thing, babe. I don't do Christmas.

Well, Ryan does.

What did he do to you? You know, don't answer that.

Your brother thinks I should wash.

Oh, I guess you're joining me.

Oh, no. No. Not in the...

I got it.

No, stop.

No, that end. Not that end. Not that... Ow!

Look, just please don't help.

Ow!

(GROANING)

Ow.

Right in the jingles, that's gotta hurt.

I'll go get those lights.

What you doing?

Nothing.

Getting the holiday home ready for some fairy lights.

I'd have gone with "Christmas lights."

But then again, I'm a guy, not an actor.

Well, be careful.

Too late.

I'm gonna go get some groceries.

Call a cab?

Why would I need a cab?

No reason.

Don't forget.

Right, and I'll pick up a few odds and ends.

Patrick, do you need anything? Maybe a friend?

I got everything I need right here.

And there.

(BIRDS CAWING)

RYAN: All right, let's get cracking.

Hack away, cracked actor.

I'm sorry?

Hmm?

You off, sweetie?

On foot, yes. Thank you very much.

At least no one was hurt.

Don't even...

She acts like I wrecked the car.

You wrecked the car, didn't you?

Not on purpose.

Now, then.

It seems that the hunter has become the hunted, huh?

Excuse me?

How do you like your freedom now?

My what?

Dance, monkey, dance!

(WHOOPING)

(DANCE MUSIC BLARING ON STEREO)

(WHOOPING)

(MUSIC STOPS)

What're you doing?

It was a mistake.

You frightened the life out of me.

Well, it won't happen again.

Whoa, there. Hey, you got me?

(PANTING IN FRUSTRATION)

(LADDER RATTLING)

(EXCLAIMS)

Yes!

Yes, I've got you.

As long as you got my back.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Hello, Patrick speaking.

MARILYN: Can you run to my room

and see if there's a birdless tofu turkey coupon in there?

What?

It should be in my pink purse.

No, no, I am holding the ladder right now. It is a safety issue.

Just do it.

Look, I'm trying to tell you that...

You could have done it in this time.

No, but... You could. I timed it.

You did not.

Just put the phone down and get my purse.

How hard can that be?

All right, hold please.

No, I'm telling you, it's not in here.

I've looked, like, five times.

Oh, you're right. It's not. I've got it right here.

We done? Done.

(PHONE CLICKS)

(DIAL TONE DRONING)

(EXCLAIMS)

(DOOR OPENING)

(DOOR CLOSING)

(MUTED EXCLAMATION)

Ryan?

Did you fall?

I'm only asking because it looks like you may have fallen.

Looks like you might have had a falling accident.

Something undesired and unforeseen happened,

(STUTTERING) and couldn't be avoided, and you fell.

On your own.

Wouldn't you say?

Whoo!

At least the bush broke your fall, huh?

Or not.

He's dead.

MARILYN: (SHOCKED) What have you done?

You haven't even started.

I'm dead.

Uh, just taking a breather.

Where's Ryan?

He's bushed.

Yeah, but where is he?

Gone. Gone?

Could you, maybe, elaborate on that for me?

For a jog.

A jog?

A jog. Yes. Yes, I'm thinking about doing the same.

Whatever.

(PANTING)

(GRUNTING)

(EXCLAIMS) MARILYN: Patrick.

Patrick.

(GRUNTS)

Patrick?

Hey!

Hi.

Hey.

This is for you.

(PANTING)

What is it?

(CHUCKLES) Well, open it and see.

Wow.

Ooh!

Thank you.

Oh, it's not from me.

Huh? It's from Ryan.

Right. It was his idea.

Nice. He seems to like you.

Well, I'm very likeable.

Ryan?

Ryan, you okay?

Feel a little better?

A little less dead maybe?

Your show's on.

Mars!

Mars!

Bad dog! Look, sit. Come. Heel, no, just...

Don't... Just leave the dead alone!

You are so getting a time-out here, mister.

What's he doing?

Nothing. I was just...

I was just teaching him how to play.

Oh.

Play what?

Play dead.

Which ex-girlfriend?

Uh, Jan... Jane E...

Janie? Janie.

He's never dated a Janie.

Oh, well, maybe if you go through the list, one of them would ring a bell.

Uh, Gretchen?

That's the one.

Gretchen moved to Thailand.

Oh, I guess that's where he's gone.

He thought he'd look her up, so he went to Thailand?

Well, you know how it is with exes.

Yes, I do.

What are you doing? I'm calling Gretchen.

In Thailand? I wanna know what's going on.

Yeah, well, it's probably long distance.

I'm aware of that.

You have her number?

Gretchen works at the embassy.

It shouldn't be too hard to track her down.

Gretchen. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You know, it wasn't Gretchen. It was someone else.

Who?

If only I could remember, then you'd be able to follow up with a phone call,

or a visit, or something.

That would be nice.

I am at the mercy of my own failing memory and I feel so powerless.

Chicken?

Are you mad? I would rather die.

Better death's dark dominion than life at your side.

ZERO: Well, what about your dear Colt?

I've harnessed the darkness of the void.

A wrinkle in the time-space vortex

will turn a second of pain into an eternity of torture.

COLT: Hell, if that's the case, make mine a double.

(BUZZING)

RATCHA: He's hit the plasma antimatter containment coil.

Want some help?

No, I'm all right.

Carry on.

(GRUNTS)

Sure you don't need a hand?

No, no. No hands.

How about now?

No, no. Now I'm good.

(CHATTERING ON TV)

(GRUNTING)

We should laugh about this.

You're welcome.

(GRUNTING)

Trickery and deceit. He can't think he'll get away with this.

COLT: Chin up, my beauty.

We'll be sipping Thermicilonian thunder water...

(YAWNS DRAMATICALLY)

About time to pack it in, don't you think?

It's 7:00.

So that's a "no"? Yep.

Sorry. Yes it's a no, or yes it's a yes, you're gonna pack it in?

I'm gonna wait up for Ryan.

And what if...

What if what?

He's late. I'll wait.

Very late? Don't mind.

Never?

What? Never mind.

I'm buying.

Baby, I'm already sold.

(PATRICK GRUNTING)

The joy knowing that I'm related to that.

Super.

(GRUNTING)

(SCREAMING)

Oh, what the...

What? I measured and everything.

No! Oh, Jesus!

Idiot! Don't you see what you've done?

(MOANING)

Thirsty?

Uh, no, just...

Just having a nightcap.

You're covered in mud.

Yes. Oh, yeah.

What are you doing out there?

Gardening.

At midnight?

(STUTTERING) Well, it's the best time for...

For planting.

How does that work?

Uh, because of the plants.

They're all asleep.

So, for them the move is just a bad dream,

and they wake up in a new, happy place.

What do you have to plant?

I mean, what's so important that you have to plant it now?

Uh...

This little guy right here. Aw!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just in time, too, by the looks of it.

Patrick.

Hmm?

I really don't care.

Well, someone has to.

Is there anything else you want to talk to me about?

No, no, no, I think I've covered it all pretty well.

Maybe Ryan?

Hmm?

Patrick.

Oh, is he the guy with the...

Like maybe where he went?

What you may have said or done to make him go?

Me? Nothing. No.

Why? Oh, no reason.

I thought it might be nice to know where my fiance has suddenly disappeared to,

but don't let it bother you.

Feel free to return to your important botanical work.

Yeah, well...

I really should.

(WOMAN'S LAUGHTER ECHOING)

Hello?

(ELECTRICITY BUZZING)

(ELECTRICITY BUZZING)

(WHIMPERS)

(SCREAMING)

What are you screaming about?

(SIGHS)

Mars.

Brekky.

(TICKING)

What have we got here?

Wow.

That's a prize inside.

"From Mookie to Pepe."

"Together forever till death do us part."

(CEREAL CLATTERING)

Ryan's watch.

What's Ryan's watch doing in my Frootees?

Ryan!

(INAUDIBLE)

(DANCE MUSIC BLARING ON STEREO)

(MUSIC STOPS)

What are you doing?

I'm bored. I thought I'd get these lights up.

Oh, good thinking.

Were you calling for Ryan?

No. No, no. He was just...

He was doing the exact same thing the other day.

I know. He's so sweet.

Oh, yes. How sweet.

You know, just stir up those spiders.

Get them up and scuttling about

instead of safe and trackable in their lairs.

Aren't you a little curious about where he's got to?

Very.

But it's better this way.

What way?

This him-not-being-here way.

Trust me.

What does that mean?

Look, I know things.

No, no, you don't.

Yes, I do. No, you don't.

He was gonna kill you. You know that?

What? Yes, indeed.

You didn't know him so well now, did you?

He isn't gonna kill me.

Not anymore, he's not.

Why would he want to kill me?

For his freedom. So he could feel her heat.

(STUTTERING) What heat? Who's her?

Probably Gretchen. Look, I heard him on the phone. He was all,

"Oh, you know, baby. I need the heat that I get from you."

"Until she's gone, we'll never be together."

What?

"With her out of the way, we've got the world,"

"the power to be who we wanna be."

Might have been something like that.

It was exactly that, wasn't it?

Maybe a little.

He was running lines from the show.

On his cell phone? I don't think so.

He was quoting StarCrossed in an interview.

No. Yes.

What? You thought he was gonna kill me?

No, I'm not an idiot.

Yeah, you are.

Well, you'll get over him.

He's coming back.

I really hope not.

Well, I hope so.

You'll be fine. You'll meet someone else.

I don't want anyone else.

I'll introduce you to one of my friends.

You don't have any friends, Patrick.

Oh, I have friends.

I could. No, you couldn't.

You have to be a normal person to have friends.

(MARS BARKING) You have to leave the house.

See? Not necessarily.

(MARS BARKING) MAN: Call off the dog.

Somebody?

Patrick, this is really nice of you.

(CORK POPPING)

You gonna wear that?

Why wouldn't I?

I just thought you might want to wear something pretty.

Thanks. Suit yourself.

Can we eat?

Um, actually, no.

Let's wait a minute.

I'm not hungry yet. (DOORBELL BUZZING)

Okay, dinner.

Aren't you gonna get that?

Aren't you?

You're right there.

I think you should get it.

I think you were adopted.

Oh!

Lovely Lumps, your search for a soul mate is at an end.

I beg your pardon?

Hey. You must be Lovely Lumps.

Sorry. Not ringing any bells.

Datemeplease.org.

I think you've got the wrong address.

Really?

No!

(SIGHS)

Look, I'm sorry.

I've just been stood up like this the last five times.

Oh, well. Chin up.

I see you found us all right.

Wrong address.

Is it Quietly Sensitive All Male?

Yeah.

At datemeplease.org?

Oh, hey. No, I...

I'm not into guys. I mean, it's fine. I mean, if it weren't me.

But it's fine, though.

Oh, this is...

Chris.

Chris, my quietly sensitive, all-male friend.

Oh, yeah?

Mmm-hmm. Met on the Internet.

Never left the house.

(INAUDIBLE)

(VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

Are you gonna join us?

My name is Patrick. I'll be your waiter for this evening.

Please, pretend I'm not here.

So, why am I here?

I have no idea why he's dragged you out here.

I have a great fiance,

and I'm very happy with the direction my life is taking.

If veering wildly out of control counts as a direction.

So you're saying he's the one who's unhappy and directionless?

Mom and Dad have been gone for 10 years,

and he's still living at home.

That is sad.

Ten-and-a-quarter for those of us

who still care about the people who raised us and fed us

and gave us a roof over our heads

and the tuition to the grueling curriculum of beauty school.

It is the most highly regarded school of makeup artistry

in the world,

and it's what I wanted.

At least I have a job.

Oh, and I don't.

So, what do you do?

Not here, remember?

And what is wrong with being a makeup artist?

Nothing. Nothing except everything.

Everything she could have been. She was as smart as Mom.

She could have been a doctor.

(STUTTERING) She could have cured them.

Of car accidents?

She could have gone into brain surgeonry

or nuclear physicism or astronauthood.

She could have married a prince

or the dictator of a small country.

She could have had her own stamp.

But this is what I wanted. You're the one who wants the stamp.

Oh, and I would make such a great princess.

Can we not start all this again?

You know, she had it all.

Here we go with the head.

I got dropped on my head. You jumped off the roof.

It was an accident. I fell.

In a cape and a mask?

The damage was done.

You were 27.

Wait, hold on.

When you jumped off the roof, you were 27?

Fell.

In a cape and a mask?

And tights. Yes.

Look, obviously you guys have some stuff to work through.

I love Ryan.

Hey, you loved Mom and Dad.

It's not an either/or thing.

I know that. How do you know it's not?

Is there any more of the sauce?

What, you don't have legs?

I'll check with the chef, but I can't make any promises.

I'm really sorry about this, Chris.

My brother was trying to meddle, and you got dragged into it.

It was a bit weird, all back and forth,

knowing that I was e-mailing his lovely lumps rather than yours.

We shared a lot. It'll always be special times to me.

Yeah.

Precious moments.

Again, sorry for the confusion.

Congratulations on the wedding.

Oh, I don't think Marilyn will be marrying Ryan any time soon.

No, no, I will.

Yes, but now that you've met my friend Chris,

you're probably feeling a little conflicted.

Nope.

Well, you know, don't make any rash decisions.

You know, think about it. Think it through. Make sure you're certain.

I'm certain.

No offense, Chris.

Well, story of my life.

Anyway, I should mosey.

Great food, Patrick.

Marilyn's made better.

Thank you for dinner.

(WHISPERING) Call me.

(FRIDGE GURGLING)

(PLATE SHATTERING)

(CLATTERING)

(LIQUID SPILLING)

Mars?

(MARS PANTING)

(LAPPING)

Mars?

(MARS PANTING)

(LAPPING)

(WHIMPERING)

(FOAMING)

Okay. I'm off to the police station.

Mmm.

You're right. It's a great idea. Thanks.

Wait, a police station? A police station with actual policemen in it?

He's been gone for almost 72 hours.

Well...

Let's at least give him the full 80.

I'm gonna file a Missing Persons Report.

But he's not missing.

Oh? Where is he?

I don't know. Missing.

Yeah, but just because we don't know where he is,

doesn't mean that he's missing-persons missing, per se.

We have to talk to someone.

I am through with therapy.

You know, Ryan's aunt is a detective.

Maybe she could give me some advice.

You want advice? I'm your man. What do you need to know?

What a law enforcement officer thinks I should do

about my missing fiance.

Yeah, well, I can't help you there.

Police station then?

But today we were gonna do something.

Like what? Like talk.

About Ryan.

Share stories, sing songs.

Are you trying to torture me?

No, if I was trying to torture you,

you'd know you were being tortured.

Maybe this is karma.

Karma? What have I ever done?

Well, you told Dad I was gay.

Yeah, you were.

No, I wasn't. Yes, you were.

You had that boyfriend... What's his name?

I never had a boyfriend! Yes, you did.

The weird little guy in the dress.

Amy.

That was a girl?

Yeah, well, Amy could've been the giveaway.

Huh! Well, got to go.

Yeah, but the police?

I know you don't care, but I love that man.

He was all right.

What?

He was kind of nice.

Wow, that's a turnaround.

It's too bad you drove him away.

I really hate you.

See, you say that, but...

(DOOR OPENING)

(DOOR SLAMMING)

MALE VOICE: (WHISPERING) Patrick.

(WHIMPERING)

Mars?

Hmm.

Patrick.

Huh! Huh.

Ow!

Stupid tea!

Murder.

Murderer!

(SQUEAKING RUBBER FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

(SCREAMING)

(ECHOING)

This is crazy.

I'm going nuts.

This can't be happening.

How can that happen?

It can't.

I'm imagining it.

Huh. Still there.

Mmm-hmm.

Definitely still there.

So.

That's not going anywhere. What do you do now?

What do you do when the actor you buried unburies himself

and ends up on your back porch for everyone to see?

For everyone to see.

They could be seeing him

right now.

(WHOOPING)

Oh, yeah.

(STUTTERING) That's great that that got here.

That's just what I wanted.

(GRUNTS)

What?

What is that? That's marshmallows.

(WHISPERING) But they're for me.

Oops.

There we go.

(RUBBER SQUEAKING)

Okay, so that's not Mars.

(WATER DRIPPING)

Huh?

(GASPS)

Hmm?

(WHIMPERS)

Can't be.

Why won't you leave me alone?

(SHRILLY) Why won't you just stay dead?

(GASPS)

No!

No!

Get away from me!

I'm sorry I killed you, but please don't kill me!

It's a fish.

What?

Oh, I know that.

You didn't kill him.

Oh, it was all just a dream.

All just a horrible dream.

He's not dead.

Well, I mean, he looks pretty dead now,

but I wouldn't blame yourself.

Not the fish.

The crabs are still very much alive.

Ryan. What about him?

He's not dead.

Why would he be dead?

He wouldn't be.

Why would you say that?

So, where did they come from?

I picked them up on the way home.

You brought these creatures into our house?

I thought you were a vegetarian.

Ovo-lacto-pesco.

Bless you.

Every time.

So, not a dream.

I think I'm down a crab.

(WHIMPERS)

(MEASURED KNOCKING)

MARILYN: You done with the hammer?

Why, you want it? No. No.

I just need you to shut up so I can get some sleep.

I'm thinking some of the nail placements might need rethinking.

I can think of a few places I'd like you to place them.

Ryan's aunt is coming by early tomorrow

so I need you to keep it down.

Tomorrow? No, no, no, tomorrow's not good for me.

Why not?

(STAMMERING) She's a detective.

Yeah, that's why I called her.

Well, what if she finds we're inadvertently breaking some obscure law?

No, she won't, but she may help us find Ryan.

Ignorance is not a defense when it comes to the fine print.

Do you remember when you used to actually help me

as opposed to making my life misery?

Can't say I do.

The bully kid at school?

Which one? There were a lot of them.

You insisted on walking me home every day, remember?

Yeah, I hated that.

Well, only because you got beaten up every time.

That was a rough school.

Tiny Tots Day Care.

They worked in packs, one of them had teeth.

But you showed up every day.

Yeah, well, Mom and Dad asked me to keep an eye on you.

No, they didn't.

I was going that way anyway.

No, you weren't.

Look, you're my brother, and I love you.

Sometimes.

But Ryan is never gonna replace you, or Mom and Dad.

Okay?

Not anymore, he's not.

What are you saying?

Uh...

Not any more than anyone else ever could, he's not.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Hello?

MARILYN: I'll get it.

Who is it?

MARILYN: He's just in the bath.

Can I get you something, a cup of tea maybe?

Marilyn!

Patrick, it's Ryan's aunt.

What, to see us?

About Ryan.

What about Ryan?

She's a detective, remember?

What would I know about Ryan?

I don't know anything about Ryan.

Hurry up.

(SQUEAKING)

All right, I'll be right out.

(IN SCOTTISH ACCENT) Patrick.

Hello.

Detective Morse.

Thought you were in the living room. I was.

Yes, of course you were.

Everything all right in there?

Marilyn get you a nice cup of tea?

That she did. Lovely young lady.

Can I, um, help you with something?

Ma'am? Officer?

Detective.

I need to ask you some questions.

Well, you know, shoot.

Well, don't shoot but, you know, fire away.

May I ask what it is you're doing out here?

That's the question you came all the way up here to ask?

Top of my list, yes.

Well, I was coming to see you.

Through the window?

Yes. Through the window.

How would that work?

As it turns out, not terribly well.

If you were an officer of the law...

Which I should just jump in here right now and say I am not.

Would this not strike you as suspicious?

Which part?

Finding a naked man climbing out the rear window of the residence.

Oh, that part. Um...

I guess that would depend on the circumstances.

How so? Um...

Yes. Yes, it would.

I would normally use the door...

But this morning, the window seemed more appropriate, did it?

It's a knob malfunction.

(STUTTERING) Could you grab my towel?

So, you've not seen or heard from him since?

Not a peep.

But you've been present at the residence the entire time?

Uh, at the house, yes.

But you, Marilyn, you've left the premises? Yes.

May I ask what reason you had for leaving a crime scene?

I've left a couple of times actually.

I went to get some groceries and...

Can we go back to crime scene?

Her fiance goes missing and she decides to go grocery shopping.

I didn't know he was missing at that point.

But you admit that he's missing now?

Oh, yes, of course he's missing.

And you saw this as an opportunity

to pick up some fresh fruit and veggies, did you?

I don't know how I'm supposed to answer that.

Were you on good terms with the missing gentleman?

Ryan, your nephew, yes. We were engaged to be married.

You know that, you sent us a knife block.

Och, you're welcome, dear.

Am I to infer from that that you were?

Good terms. Yes.

Had you and he ever discussed insurance?

I see, so the multi-thousand-dollar settlement was news to you.

Multi-thousand? That's right.

Well, he was the best thing in the show.

Excuse me? You didn't think so?

Of course I did.

This is StarCrossed, the space soap?

Daytime Emmy-nominated.

Not usually my thing.

It really sucked me in. Did it?

Ryan was very good.

Yes. Yes, he was.

I thought you never watched it.

I watched it a bunch of times.

You said once by accident.

I lied. Not that I lie that often.

(SCOFFS)

But you watched it and enjoyed it?

Yes.

Let's cut to the chase, shall we?

Sorry?

Well, you stand to make a substantial amount of money

if Ryan doesn't turn up.

I do? She does?

She does.

I think the time for games is over, missy.

Is it? Aye.

This is a serious criminal investigation.

When did this become seriously criminal?

When the black widow here lined her web

with the proceeds of a rising star.

You think I murdered him?

You're the one throwing murder words around.

And by murder words she means the word "murdered."

I'm going to need to look around.

Don't you need a warrant for that?

Well, you could refuse.

Oh, great. But I'd advise against it.

Yeah, but you're the one doing the looking around,

so you're probably a little biased.

I've got nothing to hide, search away.

Actually, I'd prefer to have a quick go-around,

maybe with a vacuum cleaner,

just to clean up a little bit.

Just in case there are any, you know, nasty surprises.

And by nasty surprises, I mean cleanliness issues

rather than criminal-tampering issues.

So, you're consenting to the search?

I am. Actually, a rain check would...

Would be good.

Then, if you'll excuse me,

I'll take a look around.

Herb garden?

PATRICK: Just need the herbs.

So, uh, not an electric ladder?

God! They saw me coming.

No, I don't see it.

There, sweetie, that's an arm,

and those are legs.

So, everything in order?

Oh, yes. Great.

I'll see you downtown. No.

You won't get away with this, little lady.

I will be back with a warrant and a forensics team.

Forensics? Don't go anywhere.

I've got my eye on you.

Yes, well, thanks for coming by.

You, too, sweet cheeks.

Well, she seems nice.

I haven't done anything so there's nothing to worry about.

You haven't?

Let her bring her DNA scanners, her fingerprint lifters,

and her snuffer dogs.

What's a snuffer dog?

Sorry, I'm a little hazy

about who and what shows up at police searches.

Well, I could see sniffer dogs.

How could she think I was responsible for Ryan's disappearance?

I have no idea. (SIGHS)

(PATRICK SCREAMING)

You killed him? Not on purpose.

You killed him by accident while you were trying to kill him on purpose.

You make it sound like it's my fault.

How do you live with yourself?

I thought he was trying to kill you.

He was quoting StarCrossed in an interview.

I thought maybe I didn't like him.

So you killed him?

You think that's a normal response to maybe not liking someone?

Gee, I hope Patrick maybe likes this one or it's...

It was not like that,

if that was supposed to be the throat-cutting sound.

What is he doing in your bed? I didn't put him there.

Well, he's there now.

Well, I feel better knowing you know.

You feel better? A bit.

How dare you feel better?

You've killed my fiance,

wrapped him up in the one remaining family heirloom

you haven't auctioned off online,

and I only find about it 'cause there's a corpse in your bed,

and I'm the one up for murder?

Some things are better if you just get them out in the open,

you can talk about them and, you know...

Oh, like murder?

So, now what? You gonna knock me off, too?

No, you're my sister.

How would that help me?

Hello?

Hmm.

(STUTTERING) Look, I'm sorry about all this, I really am,

and not just because you're the one going to jail for it.

Why are you such an idiot? Oh, I got dropped on my...

Rhetorical.

What do we do now?

Who's "we"?

What do I do now?

The way I see it, you've got two options,

jail...

Okay.

No, you go to jail.

Oh, I don't like that so much.

Or get rid of the body.

I have tried that.

Yeah,

but I haven't.

Are you kidding?

(SAW WHINING)

Can't come back if it's in pieces.

It has a name. Its name is Ryan.

What do you want?

Little bits can't drag themselves out of the lake and up the hill.

Well, you're pretty cavalier with the power tools.

I thought you loved this guy.

I did, very, very much.

But you've taken him away from me

and made me an accessory to murder, haven't you?

Involuntary manslaughter.

I'm doing this for both of us.

I'm not sure I want either of us to be doing this.

Oh, jail it is then.

I'll be outside.

(SAW WHIRRING)

(SAW WHINING)

Voila.

You can't feed him that.

Why not? The raw-food diet is supposed to be good for them.

Apparently, it'll give him a shiny coat and his poo won't smell.

You're feeding Ryan to Mars.

No, not all at once. I don't want him to get sick.

What about me?

We could scatter him around the garden, I guess,

but there's always a chance that they'll find him.

Well, some of him.

It just seems wrong.

That's because it is wrong.

You look awful.

Soy turkey?

I'm still a bit queasy.

Well, it could have something to do with the whole body-in-the-blender thing.

Hmm. Didn't bother you when you killed him though, did it?

Not as much as the mincing.

Mmm! What can I say? When it comes to murder, cleanup is a bitch.

None of this was supposed to happen. This is terrible.

What's the problem? I'm helping you out here.

This is the problem. Shouldn't you be more upset?

Oh, I could be madder. Or saner.

This, coming from you?

Hey, takes one to know one.

I don't want this.

I'm doing what I have to do

because my only living relative is a murdering psychopath.

(CLOCK CUCKOOING)

(DOOR CREAKING)

(MARS PANTING)

Mars?

Hey.

What you doing?

(MARS GROWLING)

Mars?

Mars, it's me, Patrick, remember?

Patrick.

Mars?

(MARS SNARLING)

You're feeding him to the neighbors' dogs?

Mars can't eat him all.

Why not? Well, there's quite a bit.

He didn't look like that big of a guy

but we have made quite a meal out of him.

Can you, uh, get the door for me?

(MEEKLY) No.

This is bad. He was a good guy.

What?

Ryan, he was a good guy.

I thought you hated him.

I did at the time.

At the time he was alive?

Well, yes, he made great breakfast.

Well, now he can make great lunches and dinners as well.

That's not funny.

Why didn't you think of this before he was dead?

Oh, I'm sorry I didn't know what it would be like if he was dead

until after he was dead.

I'm having a hard time with this.

How do you think I feel?

Well, to be honest, I'm finding your whole response to murder thing

a little peculiar.

Oh, I'm sorry, is there some sort of standard response?

How am I supposed to respond?

Oh, I don't know, maybe not quite so eager

to turn your soul mate into Kibbles 'n Bits.

These are not the actions of a vegetarian!

What happened to ovo-lacto-pesco, huh?

Bless you.

He had a face.

He had a cute, fuzzy face.

You should be happy. You wanted him gone, he's gone.

I'm just the aid in aiding and abetting, remember?

I wish he wasn't dead.

I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't think straight.

I can't stand this anymore.

Why not?

Mars can't even look me in the eyes.

Guilty conscience?

Me or the dog?

Ryan was a caring, honest, funny man,

and you took him away from me.

I've done a terrible thing.

I've dragged the two most important people in my life down with me.

Okay, one of them is a dog, but you know what I mean.

I think so.

You were right and I was wrong.

The guy was a keeper and I threw him away.

I'm very, very sorry.

Ryan.

Ryan!

Ryan.

Ryan!

Ryan.

(FOOTSTEPS CLOMPING)

Detective?

(POPPING)

(AIR HISSING)

(HISSING)

Ryan!

No.

I buried you.

I sank you.

She cut you up! Mmm-hmm.

He's back! He's back and you fed him to the dogs!

No, no, Patrick, I'm not dead.

(CHUCKLES)

(GIGGLES)

Not dead.

Undead!

Escape, Marilyn!

Save yourself! I'll send this abomination

back to the hell from whence it came!

No, seriously, I didn't die. You didn't kill me.

But look at you.

I know, it's all in the makeup.

You're sweet, but it was you that made the character so alive.

Thanks, babe.

You were so dead.

He was, wasn't he?

Honey, I wanted to get a few shots for my portfolio before you messed it up.

Oh, I'm sorry, sugar lips.

I didn't kill you?

No.

We knew you'd never come around to accepting Ryan on your own,

so we just thought we'd give you a little nudge.

Little nudge?

I choreographed the ladder accident myself,

using my stunt training.

I never went for groceries.

She was hiding in the backyard working on my makeup.

MARILYN: And I kept you busy on the phone.

RYAN: Birdless tofu turkey coupons.

But I buried you.

No, actually you buried him.

What is that?

An inflatable sex man.

An inflatable sex man. What...

I filled him with water.

RYAN: Marilyn had him laying around. He was perfect.

Yes, yes he was.

Uh, perfect for staging my honey's death.

I threw you in the lake.

RYAN: Yes, yes you did.

MARILYN: Inflatable.

He's a floater.

Amongst other talents.

The police, what about the police?

(SCOTTISH ACCENT) Just me, sweet cheeks, only me.

You saw me naked.

Oh, yeah.

Thank you.

Thank you for not being dead.

Thanks for not killing me.

Come here, big guy.

(CHUCKLING)

You, you are so evil.

And you, you're like Scottish evil.

(LAUGHING) But that was so good.

I knew you and Ryan would hit it off.

You just couldn't admit it to yourself.

I admit it! I admit it!

I found the perfect woman and now I finally got a brother of my own.

Yes. Yes, you did.

Can you, um...

This is so beautiful.

(GROANING) Brother?

Oh, would you listen to that?

I'm getting a bit weepy here.

What do you need, bro?

(GASPING) Stop hug now.

Pepe.

Sorry, dude.

With her out of the way, we've got the world,

the power to be who we wanna be.

These feelings are so new to me. How can I trust them?

I've learned kilos

by almost losing you to that Parantafreezian bounty hunter.

How could I ever again risk that when my love for you is infinite?

As infinite as the crushing force of an imploding star.

Oh, Colt.

COLT: I was sad to see her go.

Sad to leave that glimmering beauty from another race

so different from my own.

But happy. Happy to be back amongst the red-hot, fiery solar winds

that would take me to the icy-blue planets of the perimeter.

(DRAMATIC THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(HORN HONKING)

That'll be her.

Oh, great, she found it.

Oh, great, she did. Who's she?

Oh, no.

What?

In all the excitement, we totally forgot to tell you.

What? So tell me now.

My little sis.

Sister?

Yeah, she's coming to help with the wedding.

Oh.

What? Nothing.

What's wrong? It's nothing.

Great.

I've just really been enjoying all the quality time, you know?

Get out of here.

You'll love her.

RYAN: I mean, did you have to park across the driveway?

MARILYN: I never liked that bush anyway.

You still gonna marry him?

Elise, please.

So, you couldn't talk them out of this?

Oh, he tried.

Really?

Really.

I like him already.

Elise, remember what I said?

What? You said be myself.

I never said that. Oh, whatever.

This is my future brother-in-law, Patrick.

Patrick, this is my sister, Elise.

Hi.

(DREAMILY) Hello.

You are beautiful.

Whoa, there.

Well, you're not bad yourself.

Well, perhaps you'd like me to, uh,

show you around?

Perhaps I would.

Oh, no, no, not gonna happen.

Maybe I'll do the showing.

No, no, no, I'm on it.

MARILYN: Okay, let's go, come on.

Yeah.

MARILYN: That was the living room.

No, no, you're not.

You, you are coming with me.

ALL: All of us!

(MAN WHOOPING)

(WOMEN LAUGHING)

Now, turn that bloody thing off!