Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, the makers of this picture…

…ask you not to divulge what you're about to see. Thank you.

We take you to the duchy of Grand Fenwick…

…the smallest country on the globe.

This tiny but prosperous nation of 15 3/4 square miles…

…lies high in the French Alps, somewhere along…

I beg your pardon.

Somewhere along…

Oh, yes, here.

Grand Fenwick was founded in 1430 by Sir Roger Fenwick…

…a British baronet who took a fancy to the neighborhood and moved in.

Thus, Fenwick is the only English-speaking country in Europe.

Fenwick is ruled by Duchess Gloriana XII…

…a direct descendant of Sir Roger and beloved by all her subjects.

Though still in mourning for Count Leopold of Bosnia-Herzegovina…

…who disappeared during a hunt 27 years ago…

…she takes an active interest in her country's welfare.

Fenwick's parliament.

Here's the Prime Minister, Count Rupert of Mountjoy…

…a graduate of Oxford and Cambridge.

Fenwick's forest.

In these sheltered glades, the welfare of its feathered and furry folk…

…is watched over by forest ranger Tully Bascombe.

Fenwick's army.

Although at peace for 500 years, the Longbow remains the national weapon.

Here, the army exercises under Tully Bascombe…

…hereditary field marshal and grand constable.

Aim…

…fire!

If many Fenwickians resemble each other, this may be ascribed…

…to the founder, who was in every way, the father of his country.

Prosperity is based on the only export: Pinot Grand Fenwick.

A small, sturdy local wine with a virile but friendly bouquet.

For some reason the U.S. has always been the major market for it.

Thus, secure in prosperity and invigorated by its alpine climate…

…Fenwick has always been a happy country.

However, in 1959 a California winegrower…

…bottled an imitation of Pinot Grand Fenwick…

…and called it "Pinot Grand Enwick."

Backed by vast advertising and sold at a lower price…

…this imitation drove Pinot Fenwick out of the American market.

As a result, in a short time…

…the duchy of Grand Fenwick was in a state of crisis.

One fateful day…

Gentlemen, gentlemen.

Gentlemen!

Pray, silence!

- You made me drop a stitch. - Your pardon, Your Grace.

Can't we send a protest to the U.S…

…about this imitation wine?

I've sent not one protest, but three. But it's complicated by the fact…

…that we've never officially recognized the U.S.

So we've had to send them through Monte Carlo.

The truth is, each protest has been ignored.

- Until today, when I received this. - What is it, Bobo?

A pamphlet on how to grow grapes for wine.

- We'll be bankrupt! - We are bankrupt.

As of today, we're living on petty cash.

Good heavens. If only poor Leopold were alive today.

Your Grace, gentlemen…

…our situation is indeed desperate. We are on the brink of disaster.

There is only one way up: War! We must declare war on the United States.

- We can never win such a war! - No, but we could win the peace.

I've given this a lot of thought and I'm positive I'm right.

Remember, Americans are a strange people.

Most countries rarely forgive anything, but Americans forgive everything.

There isn't a more profitable undertaking…

…than to declare war on the U.S. and be defeated.

True.

No sooner is the enemy defeated than America pours in food, clothing…

…and lots of money for the relief of its former enemies.

In effect, we declare war on Monday, we're defeated on Tuesday…

…and by Friday, rehabilitated beyond our dreams.

- But is that honest, Bobo? - Not really.

But it's terribly practical and infallible.

I give you my word. It will solve all our problems.

But we have no army.

Who needs one? 20 men or so is sufficient.

Who'll lead them?

Tully, of course. He's our hereditary field marshal.

Not Tully. Well, he's a nice boy…

…but he's never been good at games.

Exactly. You can't send him on a mission like this.

He's got fallen arches, flat feet, sinus, migraine and claustrophobia.

Apart from being nearsighted and dizzy in high places.

He won't have to climb the Alps, just get the men over there.

Once they try to land in New York without visas, they'll be arrested.

That's all there is to it.

I don't want anyone hurt.

I'll tell Tully to be very careful. We can send Will Buckley with him.

He was a sergeant in the British army. He can act as interpreter.

Well, gentlemen, there's only one way.

We have but one choice.

Bankruptcy or prosperity. Which will it be?

I move we declare war on the United States.

As leader of the Party of the Common Man…

…I say war is reprehensible, barbaric and unthinkable!

And I second the motion.

Well, we're at war with America.

Well done. An historic moment.

And a profitable one too, I hope.

Take this to the post office and get it in the post immediately.

Certainly, sir.

And put a special delivery stamp on it.

At once, sir.

- The die is cast. - But our cause is just.

- Time and tide. - To be or not to be.

That is the question.

- Our country, right or wrong. - Right. We'll drink to that.

To our glorious defeat.

Oh, Tully.

What do you want?

About this war. I'd sooner not go, if you know what I mean.

I don't know what you mean. I'm surprised at you.

- You know we need the money. - I know.

But I don't like to leave the forest now. It's mating season.

This is bigger than the mating season! This is your country calling.

- Run along and get your army together. - All right.

- And don't make the Americans angry. - I'll be careful.

You'll enjoy every moment. It's great sport.

The ocean voyage will do wonders for you.

I get seasick.

With new stabilizers, modern ocean liners are as steady as rowboats.

- I get seasick in rowboats. - Tully, please.

- There you are. A pretty good turnout. - Yes.

I don't think they'll want to go with the harvest coming.

I'll have to appeal to their patriotism.

Men of Fenwick!

- Do you love your country? - Yes!

When you hear its name…

- …do your hearts swell with pride? - Yes!

- If the country calls, will you enlist? - No!

- I don't think I'm very good at this. - Better leave it to me.

Now, men, I want 20 volunteers.

Form up in ranks! At the double!

And stand still!

Men, here is the situation.

We're at war.

- We're going to invade the U.S. - Good luck, mate!

If you'll let me explain how the situation…

I told you with the harvest they wouldn't go.

I'll give them harvest.

Fall in!

Men of Grand Fenwick, have no fear.

Providence will smile upon you because your cause is just.

I know that you will all uphold the honor of your country.

And let it cheer you to know…

…that your government has managed the money for your return home.

If necessary.

Bless you all.

Right, men. Up bags.

Company, right turn!

By the right, quick march!

I do hope the Americans are kind to them.

They're a fine body of men.

And the best investment this country ever made.

A declaration of war?

"To the president, congress and people of the U.S., greetings."

"Act of aggression."

"A state of war exists…

…between Grand Fenwick and the United States."

Those boys in the press room. Always making with the jokes.

Eight, nine, ten, halt!

Company, left turn!

Left, right, left.

Pick them up.

Keep going, you landlubbers.

Left, right, left, right…

- I think I'll go up on deck, Will. - You are up on deck.

- Go below if you feel seasick, Will. - I'll be all right.

Will…

Tell the men…

I think I'd like to be alone.

Listen to this.

"The president announced a practice air raid alert…

…to affect the entire East Coast.

Ships will be forbidden entry until it's over."

- When does it start? - In less than an hour.

New York deserted. Should be a sight. Is it because of the new bomb?

The Q-bomb, they call it. Makes the H-bomb look like a firecracker.

It'll never replace the British navy.

Oh, no, sir.

Look, sir! The Queen Elizabeth!

Turn about!

New York's closed!

What are you doing down there? Turn about!

The port of New York's closed! Do you hear me?

What's with them? Stay away from…!

Stop that!

What are you playing? This is dangerous!

- Stop! - But we're at war!

Not with everybody.

That's funny, I can't see anybody.

- Looks deserted. - That's what I mean.

Doesn't seem to be anyone we can surrender to.

There's nothing moving. No boats or anything.

- Is today Sunday? - No, Monday.

We better check with the skipper.

- The land of the enemy. - It's big.

- Bigger they are, harder they fall. - We're supposed to lose.

- No one told me. - There's 175 million people here.

But only 10 million in New York. We'll outsmart them.

Where's customs? Immigration?

- We were wondering the same thing. - It's very peculiar.

See that big building?

I saw it first, it's mine.

At the double!

Please make sure you've got your passports and health certificates.

- Sir? - What is it?

The invasion map.

Why doesn't somebody come and capture us? Where is everybody?

Maybe it's a holiday.

Why don't they come out and fight? I know, they declared it an open city.

We should go wait.

- For what? - Just wait.

Oh, come on.

It's you. Your mail's got rusty in the rain.

- Germ warfare! - Since when are there sticky germs?

Chewing gum. "Germ warfare."

Why don't we storm a building?

No, let's keep going. We're sure to find somebody.

Look, sir!

- That's where they are. Underground. - Cowards.

Why don't you come up and fight?

- Don't. You'll make them angry. - Field marshal!

Look at this.

It's a drill. Everybody's underground.

We should go underground. Surrender when it's over.

"Air raid drill today. The president announced plans for a new bomb…

…that's capable of devastating an area of two million square miles.

Designed by Dr. Kokintz of the Institute of Advanced Physics…

…a prototype of it is expected in a matter of weeks."

- Give me the map. - Maybe we should wait.

We must get off the streets. We don't want to spoil their drill.

There's the arsenal, on 64th Street and 5th Avenue.

We can cut through Central Park over there.

All in favor of going there and surrendering, say "Aye."

You're a fine, disciplined body of men. Let's go.

- Why are you up here? - Cigarettes.

- Borrow one! - Okay, give me one.

- Here. - Thanks.

Now get going, and don't let me catch you again.

Good thing this isn't a real raid. Some people just want to get killed.

Look, the decontamination squad.

- That's the job I wanted. No walking. - Yeah.

- Hairpin, please. - I don't have any, Papa.

A bobby pin, then.

Finished. That's the warning apparatus in place.

Get some food and sleep now. You haven't had a break for 48 hours.

- I had a bed put up in the shelter. - What shelter?

- There's a practice air-raid alert. - An alert? For why?

Because of you, Papa, and this bomb of yours.

I see. I wonder what they'd think of my little working model.

I think that they would all be very afraid.

- I'm glad the warning apparatus works. - Of course.

- Come on, Papa, please! - For how long?

It could be some time.

Then I have to remove the detonator. It's sensitive.

It can go off like… Are you sure you haven't got a hairpin?

- Why aren't you two in the shelter? - Why did you come in without knocking?

Look, this is an alert, so let's be alert. Out!

- Go, if you know what's good for you. - You can go peaceable, or I drag you.

- You playing games? Come along! - Don't you know that's Dr. Kokintz?

Who cares? Come on, let's get go… Wait a minute.

- Kokintz? The fella with the Q-bomb? - That's right.

- Hi, doc. - How do you do?

This is it, huh?

That's it, but it's a secret. Do you mind leaving us alone?

- My father wants to disconnect it. - It's connected?

It sure is. It's on a hair trigger, so please don't slam the door.

- Yeah, sure. Okay, see you later, doc. - Yes, goodbye.

Why isn't he in Oak Ridge with the other scientists?

- He likes to work alone. - I thought it's in the planning stage.

This is his first working model. He wants to surprise everybody.

Great sense of humor.

One question. Why is it so different from an H-bomb?

The H-bomb? This new bomb is based on quodium…

…which is 100 times more powerful than hydrogen.

He uses an H-bomb just to trigger this one. It could blow up North America.

- And some of South America also. - Any more questions?

- Where can you go to be safe? - That's hard. Carbon 14, understand?

Yeah. That's a dangerous thing you got there.

Yes, let's hope it'll never be used.

That's a nice thought. I feel better already.

- You must try to be more careful. - Goodbye.

You haven't eaten since yesterday. Let's ask him to bring us sandwiches.

- I've got a lot to do. - His hands could shake from hunger.

- What kind? Cheese? Chopped liver? - Chopped liver. With pickle, please.

I don't understand. According to the map, this is a shortcut.

- I'm tired. - Chin up. Maybe they'll give us tea.

- Someone's left the engine running. - Maybe we can get a lift.

- There's some guys at the truck! - Air-raid wardens?

- No, funny-looking guys. - Funny-looking?

- I mean funny-looking, like fish. - What do you mean?

They've got scales all over them!

Mulligan, you sick or something?

They're from outer space!

- Off a flying saucer! Off a sputnik! - Look!

- They've seen us! - Let's get out of here!

- They're from outer space. - They're off a flying saucer!

- Ray guns! I'm getting this suit off. - Me too!

Don't, we'll get in trouble.

Hold it, they're Americans. They probably belong to this truck.

- Let's tell them we're sorry. - It's too late. Let's go surrender.

- We shouldn't leave this truck. - We'll turn it in to make them happy.

All right, men, into the truck, we'll ride to the arsenal.

You wait here. I'll get to a phone and call Special Reports.

- You. Down the subway. - Wait, I'm a decontamination man.

- Yeah? Where's your uniform? - I threw it away. Spacemen chased us.

You gonna come quietly? Come on, come on.

Listen! Men from Mars! I saw them! Men from Mars!

- Special Reports? - Your name and section?

O'Hara. Section 4300, sub-section 3: decontamination.

Go ahead.

Men from a flying saucer landed in the park.

- How many? - Fifty or sixty.

Fifty or sixty men from a flying saucer…

Say, what is this?

Just what I said! I saw them, 50 or 60, with metal heads…

…covered in shiny stuff. They fired ray guns at us in Central Park!

You should keep out of saloons. Your job is serious. Where are you?

In a grocery store on 69th Street. I ain't been in any saloon!

Stay there. I'll send somebody over.

Off a flying saucer, 300 of them!

- Men from Mars, 400 of them! - Thousands of Martians are invading!

Men from Mars! All over the place!

Men from Mars! With ray guns!

Yeah, I know.

- Right, men, number up! - Twenty!

- Twenty-one. - Twenty-two. All present and correct.

There's nothing wrong in surrendering to overwhelming odds…

…provided we do it in a military fashion. Yes. Carry on.

Right, men. Fall in!

- All right, lads, follow me. - Quick march!

Halt! Tully?

Look at that.

"New York Institute of Advanced Physics." That's not the arsenal.

No, we're lost again. Men, back to the truck, at the double!

Will!

This is General Snippet. Get me Washington.

Yes, Snippet?

Mr. Secretary, I have to report an emergency situation in New York.

There's a rumor that the city's been invaded by men from Mars.

- Men from Mars? - Yes, sir, in Central Park.

- How did the rumor begin? - A civil defense officer.

- Was he drunk? - Maybe, but I thought I'd report it.

Go out to make a personal inspection of that park and report to me.

This nonsense can ruin an exercise meant to protect our largest city.

A city, which I don't need to stress, has been entrusted to your care.

Get my jeep!

We really have to get into the shelter.

Very well. But I'm hungry. I'll do the bomb before we go.

Where's the warden and the sandwiches?

Even with white bread, with no pickle.

Thank goodness.

Just put the food here with…

Who are you? What do you want?

Well, what is it?

I'm Tully Bascombe, and this is Will Buckley. Is that Dr. Kokintz?

- Yes, I am. - We took a chance and here you are.

- You didn't bring my sandwiches? - No, we've come to capture you.

Is this some joke? You're not wardens!

No, miss. We're soldiers.

We're at war with America. We came here to surrender.

If we take Dr. Kokintz, we'll be in a better bargaining position.

- They're crazy. - Yes. Call the police! Call the Army!

That's no use. Everybody's underground. What's that?

- It's a coffee percolator. - Coffee percolator!

I've never seen an American percolator.

- What do I push? - Don't push anything!

- I think that's the Q-bomb. - Yes.

- Small, isn't it? - It's my portable.

- We'd better take it along too. - That's a very good idea. Shall we go?

- Leave my father alone! - Oh, his daughter. You come too.

- I don't think… - No violence, please! The bomb!

Mr. Grand Marshal, permit me to dismantle it first.

We haven't time. How do I carry it?

Carefully.

Mr. Constable, don't stumble. Don't fall.

If you fall, all of America falls with you.

I see.

Shall we go?

Fall in, men!

Please treat the bomb with great care. Do be careful!

- Get them in quickly. - Come along.

Take cover!

- What's happening here? - What's your name, soldier?

General Snippet! Who are you, what's going on?

I'm Field Marshal Bascombe. You're prisoners.

- Field marshal of what? - Grand Fenwick.

You're under arrest. You'll get 100 years.

We'll talk in Grand Fenwick. You'll be treated accordingly.

Take him away, men.

150 years! On bread and water!

We have an announcement. Contrary to rumor, there are…

- -Mars in the city. Do not panic.

- What did he say? - Cut it out, that's my radio!

- -men from Mars in the city. So stay where you are.

We have been invaded by men from Mars.

- Did you hear that? - I knew it. I knew it had to come.

Stay where you are!

Ahoy, there!

Well, you weren't away very long. How did the war with the U.S. go?

We won!

- Mr. Secretary? - Yes, captain, what is it?

- General Snippet is missing. - He's an idiot. I'll have his star.

They found his jeep at the Institute of Advanced Physics. They…

- Go on. - They say it was shot full of arrows.

- Also there was a flag. - On the arrows?

- On a Customs' shed at the docks. - What flag?

It's not identified. They're flying it down.

Also those rumors about men from Mars are still spreading.

I'm gonna stop this alert. There's something funny going on.

- A foreign flag on a Customs' shed? - Yes.

Fothergill, you're in charge of Post Exchange Relations.

We all realize the importance of having a helpful, friendly PX.

So be on your toes. And under the circumstances…

…I don't see why we can't let the Americans have our wine at a discount.

Mayberry! First impressions are the strongest.

Give those smiling, boyish GIs a friendly welcome when they arrive.

And as soon as we get the money, we must get some malted milk machines.

And not to forget about the hot dogs.

Which brings me to the question of non-fraternization.

The Occupation Authority is certain to be strict in this matter.

We'll want to cooperate in every way.

I imagine that non-fraternization will last for approximately 48 hours.

After which, we will want those lonesome GI boys…

…to feel this is a real home away from home.

I think I've dealt with everything. Any questions?

Nope!

Except, shouldn't we have heard something by now?

Not to worry, even a nincompoop like Tully can't spoil this war.

Come on.

- Move! - No more exercise.

Field marshal's order. Move! On the double! On the double!

It is worse than sitting on a barrel of gunpowder.

- He won't let you dismantle it? - He said he wants it dangerous.

He knows whoever has the bomb has the world by the tail.

You must persuade him to let me make it harmless.

Why me?

- He likes you. - I don't like him.

- For America? - No, sir, not me!

- For mankind? - I hate him.

- That is irrelevant. - Not to me.

Please do it.

- Is it absolutely necessary? - Absolutely.

- Visiting time's over. - Yes, I'm just coming. Absolutely.

Okay. Will you please tell the dictator I'd like to see him?

- Who? - Bascombe.

Yes, ma'am.

- Are you a typical American girl? - Come on!

Come in.

- You wanted to see me? - Yes, as a matter of fact…

Mr. Bascombe!

- You wanted to see me? - Yes.

- Is everything all right? - Wonderful.

A 2-by-4 cabin on a rocky boat with a deadly bomb under the floor.

- What more could a girl ask? - That's nice.

- Thanks. - Is there something I can do for you?

- Let my father dismantle the bomb. - I'm sorry, I couldn't do that.

- Please. As a personal favor to me? - No, I couldn't.

- It's no use talking to you, go away. - All right.

Stop, please!

- I think you're holding me. - I am?

Is this how you treat your prisoners of war?

- I'm sorry. - I hope you're not upset.

- I'm not upset. - Do you forgive me?

Yes. Can I go now, please?

Not just yet, please. Surely, Mr. Bascombe, despite everything…

…we can still be friends, can't we?

- Yes, yes. - That's nice.

I've always admired strong, silent men like you.

You're awfully young and handsome to be a real field marshal.

Do you like American girls?

I don't know any American girls but you. I like you.

That's nice. Would you like to kiss me?

I wouldn't mind. You can turn around right now and kiss me if you want to.

- Really? - Really.

Listen to this. "Look out for a pirate ship flying a double-headed eagle.

She may attack you." What's that mean?

I can't imagine. Ship on the port bow, sir.

Is that so? Perhaps she's seen this pirate ship.

Hello! Hello, you down there! Have you seen a little…?

This is a kidnapping! Inform the embassy… Keep your hands off me!

What was that about?

I can't keep the president waiting. Don't forget the declaration of war.

The U.S. and Grand Fenwick are at war and it takes the FBI to find out.

Wasn't the declaration found behind the radiator in the State Department?

Yes. Anyway, Chester won't like it on the island of Yap…

…but how do I tell the president that 15th-century Europeans invaded us?

- You'll find a way. - And all over some imitation wine.

Why did they resort to war? There are other ways to settle differences.

We've been nice to little countries.

They did send us protests, and we ignored them.

How am I gonna say we lost the war?

Just because they landed, took a few hostages and got away?

This is top-secret. Not only did they capture Dr. Kokintz…

…they took his model of the Q-bomb.

The Q-bomb?

Yeah, sure, they just about control the world.

How do I tell that to the president?

It's so thrilling. Isn't it exciting? Where are my smelling salts?

Hello, Bobo. Happy day.

Shouldn't they be here? What did the telegram say?

"Arriving approximately 2 p.m. with Americans and wonderful news."

Good. Hope they don't bring many GIs. Do they know we're a small country?

Of course they do. They're very considerate about that.

They're coming! They're coming! They're coming!

Well, Your Grace, we're home.

There's been a change of plan.

I know it'll come as a pleasant surprise…

- …but we sort of won. - You sort of what?

We captured the Q-bomb, the most destructive weapon in the world.

And we got some prisoners too. Dr. Kokintz, his daughter…

…Gen. Snippet and some New York policemen.

- And this is the bomb. - You idiot!

If this bomb explodes, it will wipe out most of Europe.

- Let me make it harmless. - If we do…

…then we haven't won anything.

Oh, dear. This is most complicated, isn't it?

Put the bomb away in a dungeon.

And the doctor and Miss Pokinz can have the rooms next to mine.

What kind of juice do you want for breakfast?

Orange. But this bomb is not a prisoner you can shut in a dungeon…

Listen! This bomb is stolen property. It belongs to the United States.

- We won it fair and square! - Give it back!

If not, you'll live in terror all your lives. Give it back.

It's the honest thing to do. It's the wise thing to do!

It's the American thing to do!

There goes a red-blooded American girl.

- Your Grace, this is General Snippet. - I warn you…

- …I know the Geneva Convention. - How nice.

You must recite it to me some evening. I play the harpsichord.

Come on. In here, all of you.

Take your hands off me! Who do you think you are…?

Psychological warfare. Brainwashing!

Remember, only name, rank and serial number.

- Just don't talk. - Can we scream?

First we have to form an escape committee…

There you are, general. What do you think about our exhibits?

I'm disappointed. You won't get away with it.

International law forbids torturing us and keeping us in this cell.

My dear general, this is a museum.

- We don't do these things anymore. - Really?

I knew it all the time. I was just testing you fellas.

- I'll show you to your rooms. - Just a minute.

- Are they regulation size cells? - I've never measured them.

And meals must be served on tin plates.

- We don't have any tin plates. - Then we refuse to move.

Unless you convince me we'll be treated according to regulations!

I see.

- So you won't have something to eat? - Only if it's served on a tin plate.

- Follow me, gentlemen. - Men, stand on your rights.

I'll show them they can't… Men, where are you?

Men!

- And you? - No.

I hope the general's okay.

I showed them.

No tin plates, eh?

They had tin plates.

Here is the news: The situation seems grave…

…and every chancery is in session.

More men are under arms than in any time in history.

The prime minister said Britain and Fenwick are united…

…not only by language and history, but by blood.

And that it was pure accident that the duchy was not in the Commonwealth.

The government will do all it can to protect this British outpost.

There were cheers from both sides of the House. In Paris…

…the president said that the interests…

…of these two wine-loving countries are identical…

…and would be maintained at all costs. There was excitement in Moscow.

The premier said that the Soviet Union had already invented a Q-bomb…

…but the workers of the USSR would do anything…

…to prevent the bomb from falling into the hands…

…of the imperialist, warmongering…

…hyenas.

In the U.S., the Yankees defeated the Braves 6-2…

…in the World Series, the American version of football.

There is no word from Grand Fenwick, which controls the world's destiny.

The tiny country remains unconcerned…

…and almost indifferent to the tension.

Sir.

It's from China.

"If there's anything we can do to help you against the United States…

…don't hesitate to ask. Warmest regards."

Impossible! We can't do business with Red China!

It's not from Red China, it's from the other one.

We're in trouble. What are we gonna do about it?

What's the fuss? We can send 40 paratroopers…

…and get this bomb and this Kokintz out.

It's not that simple. Admittedly, we are at war with Grand Fenwick.

But should history record that a nation of our size…

…attacked the smallest country in the world?

- You know something? We're stuck. - We sure are.

Now the French have offered to defend Fenwick.

The British, 14. Egypt offers six, and an interest in the Suez Canal.

They all want to take the bomb home for safekeeping.

Argentina, Brazil, France, Germany, Italy, all want to help us.

We've fought a war and reaped disaster.

- It was all your idea, Bobo. - My idea was perfectly sound.

Only an imbecile could win this war. He did.

He meant well.

The Russians have offered 20 divisions and want an answer in 48 hours.

- We'll give them 30 divisions. - You don't seem to understand.

We're at war with Fenwick. How can we protect our enemy?

You know something? We're stuck.

We now have this frightful engine of destruction…

…which can destroy us and the rest of Europe.

Do we wage war against the world because of it?

I know our friend will say, "Guard our frontiers."

I say let America guard its own frontiers. They can afford it.

- We must give them their bomb back. - I'm not so sure.

The Americans are a wonderful people. We shouldn't have taken the bomb.

Even if we give it back, some other country will invent its own Q-bomb.

Then an X, Y and zed bomb, and someday one of them will go off. Boom!

- Then what does Your Grace suggest? - I really don't know.

- But I think we should wait. - Wait?

- Wait for what? - I don't know, just wait.

I see.

In that case, I resign.

So do I.

They're all so sensitive.

Tully, I'm afraid you're prime minister now.

Do try and think of something.

- I'll do my best, Your Grace. - There's a good boy.

Oh, dear, dear. It's all so confusing.

Having the bad conscience of the world in one's own home. Very difficult.

I do wish Leopold were here.

But we won, didn't we?

The world isn't the same anymore.

Make peace with them! Then we can protect them.

The president hoped you'd say that.

But the secretary of state is in the Far East, so it's up to me.

I'll fly to Fenwick to arrange an armistice. Agreed?

May we come in? I see you're still angry.

- I'm still a prisoner. - We both enjoyed your speech.

Then why didn't you let me finish it? Who are you anyway?

Count Mountjoy, Her Grace's adviser. This is Mr. Benter of the opposition.

- What do you want? - May I ask what you want?

I thought I made it clear. I want to get the bomb back to America.

- And my father and myself with it. - And Gen. Snippet and the policemen?

- Whose side are you on? - The side of sanity. That is, yours.

Nothing is more advantageous than your return with the bomb.

- Do you mean that? - We want to get out of this mess.

What have you got in mind?

We suggest you take that naughty bomb away…

- …and we'll help you. - You mean back to America?

Yes.

We shall return within the hour. Be prepared to escape.

Adieu. You American women are so charming. So very charming.

- We've only got an hour! - Pity.

Who is it?

Well, come in!

I'm taking a bath, so wait out there.

- I didn't expect you so soon. - You didn't?

Who's that?

Tully Bascombe. Remember?

How could I forget? What do you want?

I want to talk about being friends.

- That was then. We can't be friends. - Do you mean that?

Yes, I do. Get out!

- Get out of here! - You screamed.

How dare you come in when I'm in this miserable barrel?

- It was made by old barrel-makers. - Who cares? Now get out.

- I'll wait out there. - No, come back tomorrow.

I'll just wait, if you don't mind.

Guard?

I've come to discuss an important matter with Duchess Gloriana.

- We admit no one. - It's very important.

- That's what they all say. - It's about the surrender terms.

- Whose? - Ours.

- Wait here with the others. - Guard!

Aggressor!

We all have to wait until the workers permit us to enter.

Oh, yeah. Sure.

Guard! A little caviar, comrade?

Never touch it.

- We haven't much time, general. - Shouldn't Dr. Kokintz disconnect it?

- We can't find him. - Come now, general, please.

Who's going to carry it?

Shall we?

No use hanging around. I have nothing to say to you.

So will you please go?

I see.

- Well, goodbye. - Goodbye!

If I never see this antique tourist trap again, I'll be happy!

- You forget we won the war! - You snuck up on us.

- Everybody was underground. - But we won, and we got your bomb.

- You stole it! - It's captured booty.

- It belongs to the United States. - And you belong to me. My prisoner!

Thief!

- Get the car. - Right.

- Go away. - It's me.

- Are you sure my father's waiting? - Would I lie?

- Yes. - Thank you. I promise you he is.

- Please come along. - Who is it?

- It's me again. Tully. - Go away!

I just want to say that I'm sorry. I've thought the whole thing over…

- …and my problem is that I love you. - You do?

- Furthermore, I think you love me. - I do?

- Yes. Can I come in now? - You just wait a minute while I think.

- Take your time. - He said he loved me. He means it.

- He's an idiot. - He's nice.

Write him a letter.

- I think I've always liked him. - So have I, but please let's go.

Where are they? Some transportation, I must say.

It belongs to the duchess. I only hope she doesn't find out.

I have other worries.

Where's my father?

- Where is he? - You had him.

- I knew you were a snake. - We shall look after your father.

Get the bomb home. He'll be safe.

You expect me to escape without the bomb being dismantled?

There's no time to argue. Please go.

Bon voyage.

- Where do you suppose the doctor is? - Haven't the faintest idea.

My girl and my bomb!

This is not the end of our film.

But something like this could happen at any moment.

We want to prepare you and put you in the mood.

Thank you. Now back to our story.

Five! I have another throw.

Well! Six. One, two, three, four, five, six.

I bomb Philadelphia. Who owns it?

- I do. - You owe me 500 heavy bombers.

Here.

Now it's my turn.

Four. One, two, three, four.

"Take a chance."

"Go to salt mines."

Fortunately, I can pay a fine instead.

I get Saudi Arabia! Not a bad game.

It's called Diplomacy. It's my chauffeur's. Good fun.

- My throw? - Yes.

Stop it, you idiot!

Stop it!

Fix the car, you idiot!

- Hold this. It is your father's. - Oh, no, not me. I'm only a girl.

- Hurry it up. - Gently.

Careful! Stop that.

- What's the matter now? - It won't make the hill.

Then get out and push.

Don't jerk it.

Steady.

Put some weight behind it.

Easy, boys.

- A car just went into that haystack. - By Jove!

Come on, get him out! General Snippet, are you all right?

- Hurry! - General Snippet, are you all right?

The bomb! It's going off!

Well, I'm ready.

Well, I've never been a prime minister before…

Anyway, point one:

The California wine must go off the market.

- You want that in the peace treaty? - Oh, yes.

- And a million dollars. - A billion?

- Just a million. - You can't ask for a measly million.

We spent more in Germany on one city.

- But they lost. - You may have to take a billion.

If you could try, sir.

We'd like some in the form of bathtubs and other plumbing equipment, right?

- Yes, dear. - We're going to be married.

Congratulations. What about the bomb?

The bomb stays here. And Dr. Kokintz too.

We want him to develop chewing gum with a pinot flavor.

We expect to export it to the United States.

- Do you want that in the treaty? - Absolutely.

But surely you realize you can't keep the bomb indefinitely.

We'd like your president…

…to try and persuade the United Nations…

…to let the little countries look after the bomb.

We want disarmament, with…

…the little nations in charge of the inspection.

I see. I think. But everybody's cried for disarmament for years…

…and nothing happened. What do you offer the big nations?

We offer trust. They can't agree because they all suspect each other.

We all hoped things would be better after the last war.

They're worse with all these bombs.

You believe big nations will trust small nations…

…to set up a disarmament policy for them?

I hope so. Because if they don't, we'll just have to explode the bomb.

- You'd be blown up too! - Mr. Secretary…

…if there were an atomic war, Fenwick would be destroyed.

- Aren't we just prolonging the agony? - I see what you mean.

America wants nothing more than peace. I'll do my very best.

And for all our sakes, I hope you make it.

It was nice of you to come.

You'll be escorted back to the border.

Give my love to your president, and Mrs. Coolidge.

Your Highness, please, this is important.

The bomb has had a shaking up. I'd better look at it soon as possible.

- In fact, now. - Yes, I do think Papa's right.

Well, do be careful, won't you, Papa?

Thank you.

You are a dud?

All the time, it was a dud. Remarkable.

- Congratulations. - Papa, I'm proud of you.

Only we know.

- How's the bomb? - Never better, Will.

All right, carry on.