Original subtitles

Hey, Pheebs, I'm having dinner with my dad tomorrow. Wanna come?

Sure, yeah, he's kind of sexy.

Oh, no, I'll be there too.

Okay, so we'll just come up with a signal. If it's going well, you can take off.

No, Phoebe, I just need you there for support.

- I haven't told him I'm pregnant yet. - Oh. Why not?

Because I know he's gonna flip out and I hate it when he gets angry.

Oh, Rachel. This is all so "Papa Don't Preach."

No, Pheeb, wait, he's a scary guy. I mean, one time he caught me smoking.

He said if he ever saw me doing that again, he would make me eat the entire pack.

- Wow. Well, I will be there. - Okay.

Gosh, I'm not gonna let that man make you eat your baby.

Oh. Hey, who is that guy? I think I know him.

- No, you don't. - No, you don't.

Oh, my God. Monica, he's the stripper from your bachelorette party.

Her what?

Your secret bachelorette party.

- You had a bachelorette party? - She untied his G-string with her teeth.

Somebody stop me.

I thought we weren't gonna have bachelor, bachelorette parties.

You know, we agreed that it's a silly tradition.

It's a grand tradition.

I'm sorry. They surprised me. There was nothing I could do.

Well, you could have untied it with your hands.

This is so unfair.

The one thing I wanted to do was throw my best friend a bachelor party...

...but, oh, I wasn't allowed to. All we got was a stupid steak dinner.

You went home with the waitress.

Ha. Yeah, that was a good night.

I can't believe you didn't tell me.

You know that the two pillars of marriage are openness and honesty.

Ugh. I knew giving you that book was gonna come back and bite me in the ass.

How about I order everyone the Moroccan chicken?

Oh, I don't eat meat.

It's chicken.

- Yeah, I don't eat that either. - I'll never understand you lesbians.

- So, baby, tell me, what is new with you? - Well, actually, um...

- Ahem. Your '74 Lafite, sir. - Seventy-four?

I ordered the '75. That's a magnificent wine. The '74 is sewage.

Why would you bring me sewage?

Is that a hard question? Are you an idiot? Is that why you're a waiter?

This is why I told the manager I wouldn't wait on you tonight.

Oh, come on. Don't be such a baby.

In case you didn't notice, that is a scary man.

He's right, though. The '74 is absolute piss.

This was such a huge mistake. I can't tell him, Phoebe. I can't.

- Rachel... - No, it's okay. This is what's gonna happen.

I'm gonna wait a couple of years and then the baby will tell him.

- Why? So he can get mad at the baby? - Hey, that is the baby's problem.

- Oh. Everything okay with the waiter? - I have no idea. I went to the bathroom.

So, sweetie, you were starting to tell me what is, uh...? What is new with you?

Well...

Um...

I got TiVo.

- What's TiVo? - It's slang for "pregnant."

Phoebe.

Are you really pregnant?

Well, uh, yes and no.

Except, not no.

So to sum it up, yeah.

Who is the father? Oh, no. Please don't tell me it's her.

No, it's Ross. It's Ross. You like Ross.

Oh, Daddy, I hope you're okay with all this.

I mean, think about it, this is a good thing. This is your first grandchild.

You're gonna be a poppy.

That's true. I'm a poppy.

I'm gonna be a poppy.

- So when is the wedding? - The who?

The wedding. There's going to be a wedding.

Young lady, don't you sit there and tell me my first grandchild is gonna be a bastard.

Rachel Karen Green, tell me there's gonna be a wedding.

February 2nd.

So it was cool seeing you lecture today.

Oh, thanks. Although it seemed like you were falling asleep there a little.

Oh, no, I had my eyes closed so I could concentrate and take it all in.

Yeah, a lot of my students do that.

- So, um, I gotta get going. - Okay, I'll see you tonight?

- Yeah. - Okay.

Oh, hey, thanks again for showing me your semi-precious stone collection.

It was amazing.

My God, you must be good in bed.

So you and Mona. It's been a while now. How's it going?

Uh, it's good. It's going good.

I mean, we get along great. She's so...

- Hot? - Well, I was gonna say sweet, but yeah.

And she's okay with Rachel and the baby?

Well, I haven't actually told her yet. I don't wanna scare her off.

Well, you have to be honest with her...

...otherwise you may think that you're going down the same path...

...but you're really going down different ones.

I'm gonna take that book and I'm gonna beat you to death with it.

Oh, my God, you are gonna love me so much.

I felt really bad about the whole bachelorette party thing, so tonight...

...you're gonna have a bachelor party. - What?

Yeah, I got this number from this guy at work...

...and I hired a stripper to come dance for you.

Am I going in the wife hall of fame or what?

Honey, that's crazy, I don't you to get me a stripper.

Will you let the lady talk?

Come on. Come on, it'll be fun. It'll make me feel so much better.

Look, I appreciate it, but, uh, it's a little creepy, you know?

I'm not a bachelor anymore.

So don't think of it as a bachelor party.

Think of it as a two-month anniversary present.

Sure. One year is paper, but two months is lap dance.

Please, I feel so bad. Just watch the hot woman get naked.

- Fine, but I'm only doing this for you. - Yeah.

And Joey.

Thank you. Now, who else do you wanna invite?

Uh, no, no, no. Just Ross and Joey is embarrassing enough.

Uh, actually, sorry, I can't even make it. I'm seeing Mona again tonight.

I understand. Who would cancel an actual date just to go to a fake bachelor party?

I'm sorry. I gotta cancel tonight, baby.

I'm sorry I won't be able to make it to your imaginary wedding...

...but I'm really busy that day.

I already have a unicorn baptism and a leprechaun bar mitzvah.

I know, I know. I panicked. I panicked.

I didn't want him to start yelling at me like I was some '74 Latour.

It's Lafite.

The '74 Latour is actually drinking quite nicely.

All right, here he comes. I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna tell him. I'm gonna be strong.

- I just called a friend of mine. - Yeah.

I think I may be able to book the Plaza on short notice.

Really?

The Plaza?

Oh, Daddy.

- Right. Daddy, I need to talk to you please. - What is it, sweetie?

There's not gonna be a wedding. Ross and I are not getting married.

- I'm sorry, Daddy. - I don't believe this.

Daddy, stay calm, please.

Stay calm? How do you expect me to stay calm?

This is unacceptable, Rachel. And I wanna know why.

Is it because that punk Ross won't marry you?

- That's it. Is that it? - Yes. He says I'm damaged goods.

So, you, uh, nervous about getting married?

What are you doing?

Look, let's pretend it's a real bachelor party, okay?

You know, before your wedding. It'll be more fun.

All right. I can't believe tomorrow's the big day.

How's it feel knowing you're never gonna be with another woman again, huh?

Knowing you're gonna have to wake up to the same face every day...

...until you finally have the sweet release of death.

You're right. This is more fun.

That's her. Okay, come on.

- Hi. - Hi.

So which one of you lucky boys is Chandler?

Uh, that's me.

That's me.

Joey Tribbiani. Big fan.

- So is that a bedroom? - Yeah, yeah, right over there.

All right. Whenever you're ready.

That was weird.

- Why would she go in the bedroom? - I'm waiting.

- So she's a... - Yep, that's one naked hooker.

I love your place. Where is this guy from?

Uh, that's an 18th-century Indian artifact from Calcutta.

Oh. Wow.

So you're more than just dinosaurs.

- So much more. - Mm.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, I am so sorry.

Ah, forget it. It's from Pier 1.

Sorry.

You think you can knock up my daughter and then not marry her?

I ought to kill you.

You know, this is actually not a great time for me.

So come on. Explain yourself, Geller.

- First you get my Rachel pregnant... - You got Rachel pregnant?

- Who did? - You did!

Yes. Ahem.

Yes, yes, I did, but it was just a one-night thing. It meant nothing.

Oh? Really? That's what my daughter means to you, nothing?

No, no, sir. Um, she means a lot to me. I mean, I love Rachel.

- What? - Oh, but not in that way. Heh.

I mean, I'm not in love with her.

- I love her like a friend. - Oh, really? That's how you treat a friend?

You get her in trouble and then you refuse to marry her?

- Hey, I offered to marry her. - What?

But I didn't want to.

Well, why not? So you could spend your time with this tramp?

Tramp?

I'm sorry. Dr. Green, Mona. Mona, Dr. Green.

I can't believe there is a naked hooker in there.

Wait, wait. Maybe she's a hooker and a stripper...

...but she got confused about what she's supposed to do.

Could be. I mean, technically, she did strip. We just missed it.

Ma'am?

Are you also a stripper?

Uh, no, but I could pretend to strip.

But that's gonna cost extra.

Okay, here's the extras: Handcuffs, spanking...

No, no, ha, ha.

Maybe Monica's playing a joke on you.

You know, getting her own husband a hooker. That's pretty funny.

That is funny. Maybe for my birthday she'll murder someone.

I bet Ross was in on it too. I mean, he was conveniently busy.

- Do you mind if I smoke in here? - Oh, actually, I'd rather... Ahem.

Yeah, go ahead. We're gonna have to burn that room down anyway.

How could you have kept all of this from me?

- I was going to tell you, but... - But what?

You figured you'd get what you wanted, then you'd dump her like Rachel.

Hey, I did not dump Rachel. Nor are we still together.

Oh, um...

Can I...?

Why don't we just let the machine get that?

Hey, Ross, it's Joey. There's a hooker over here.

We thought maybe you'd know something about it.

No. No. No. No. No.

I need to lie down.

So tonight's the night of the big bachelor party?

Yeah, hey, thanks for giving me that girl's number.

No problem. So who's the party for?

- My husband. - You hired your husband a hooker?

- She's a stripper. - No, she's a hooker.

- Is that what they call strippers sometimes? - When they're hookers.

Oh, my God, Stu, I can't believe you did this.

You're absolutely sure she's a hooker?

Either that, or she's just the best, most expensive date I ever had.

- Maybe she meant to get you a hooker. - Why would she do that?

Maybe she wants you to learn something.

Is there anything you're really bad at, you know, sexually?

This is the worst bachelor party ever.

- What's taking you boys so long? - In a minute.

In a minute? What's gonna happen in a minute?

All right, all right. Maybe you should just ask her to leave.

- Why me? - Hey, it's your bachelor party.

- Which is why you should do it. - I don't want to. You do it.

- You do it. - You do it.

All right, rock, paper, scissors for who has to tell the whore to leave.

- What? - I miss this.

I don't think we've actually done this before.

No, I miss hanging out with you.

- Well, we still hang out. - Not like we used to.

Remember? You and me used to be inseparable.

Well, now it's like things are different.

Well, you know, things are different. I'm married now.

Yeah, sure. And, hey, don't get me wrong, I am so happy for you guys.

But I just miss hanging out. Just us, you know?

Yeah, I miss that too.

I'll tell you what, from now on, we'll make time to hang out with each other.

You got it. Come here.

Oh, God.

Listen, I am this close to robbing you guys.

She's a hooker! She's a hooker! She's a...!

Hi. Uh, we spoke on the phone.

So your dad dropped by.

He's a pleasant man.

- Oh, no. - I better go.

Just over here. I don't wanna miss the fight.

Ross, I am so sorry.

Okay, I promise I will straighten this out with him tomorrow in person.

Or via e-mail.

I don't care about your dad. I care about Mona.

She was there and now she's totally freaked out.

Ugh, okay, I'll fix that too. What's her e-mail address?

Rachel.

All right, I promise, I'll fix this. I swear I'll talk to her.

- Okay. Thank you. - Okay.

That's it? You call that a fight? Come on.

"We were on a break." "No we weren't." What happened to you two?

Thank you so much for coming back over.

Oh, good. You're here.

Yeah, and I was worried that it was going to be uncomfortable.

I know. Mona, just hear me out.

First of all, I am so sorry about my father yelling at you.

But I heard that you totally held your own.

You're gonna have to tell me how you did that.

- Focus. - Okay. Um...

Okay, yes, Ross and I used to date.

And yes, we are gonna have a baby.

But we are definitely not getting back together.

- How can I be sure of that? - Oh, because we drove each other crazy.

I mean, he was possessive, he was jealous. He could never just let the little things go.

- Trying to date this woman. - Right.

But none of that compared to how kind and gentle...

...and thoughtful he is.

You probably shouldn't touch me.

You know, I just don't wanna get in the middle of something so complicated.

I get it. But, Mona, what relationship is not complicated?

We all have our baggage. You must too.

Why else would you still be single?

I'm so gonna leave right now.

Should I leave this open for you too?

I'm not sure yet. Why didn't you just tell me about all this?

Because what's going on with Rachel has nothing to do with how I feel about you.

- Well, you still should have told me. - I know, and I was going to...

...but I thought it was better that you heard it from Rachel's father.

Look, I made a mistake...

...but it's only because I really, really like you. Really.

Okay. I guess you can close the door now.

Forgot my purse. Oh, you guys made up.

He's a good kisser, isn't he?

I'm going.

I swear I didn't know she was a hooker. I mean...

Did you let her smoke in here?

Her ass-print is still on your grandmother's quilt.

Do you really want to talk about smoking?

You know what? I'm gonna make this up to you.

I promised you a stripper...

...and you're gonna get a stripper.

- Monica, wait. - What?

Carry on.

If I had to give you up It's only been a year

Now, I got my foot through the door And I ain't going nowhere

It took a while to get me in And I'm gonna take my time

Ooh. These tennis shoes are so tight.

- I think I'll take them off. - Could you not narrate?

Gotcha, sailor.

Just because you're not in love with the guy...

- Oh, you told your dad the truth. - About an hour ago.

- Wanna go see a movie? - Yes.

Bye, Dad.

It's unacceptable, Rachel. What the hell does love have to do with it?

There are more important things in a marriage than love.

You have to think about the consequences of your decisions.

Hey, I do too think about the consequences of my decisions.

Well, what gives you the right to...?

Go to hell.

Stupid guy on my phone.