Original subtitles

Bye-bye.

I just got reservations at Michelle's...

...and tickets to The Music Man to celebrate...

...our first holiday as a betrothed couple.

- "Betrothed." - Betrothed couple.

- Hey. - Hi.

- Aw. - Oh.

- Pheebs? Uh-huh?

Skull?

Oh. Yeah, it's my mom's.

Oh, my God!

No, no, no. It's not my mom.

It belonged to my mom.

She used to put it out every Christmas...

...to remind us that even though it's Christmas, people still die.

And you can put candy in it.

- Hey. - Hey.

Licorice?

Sure. Ha, ha.

- I get Ben for the holidays this year. - That's great!

- Are you gonna dress up as Santa? - Nope.

I know Susan does every year.

I want to take this year to teach him about Hanukkah.

And maybe I could teach Ben...

...about the Christmas skull and how people die.

You may need to use this year to teach Ben about Phoebe.

Mm.

Hey.

- Did you know he was in there? - No.

- How long have we been home? - About half an hour.

Lovely.

You know what I was thinking? When we get married, will you, uh...

...change your name to "Bing"?

No.

Why not?

Bing's weird.

Oh, hey, you guys.

Hey.

Guess what?

My landlord just called. My apartment's gonna be ready soon.

I guess I'll be moving out.

Aw, Phoebe, I'm gonna miss you.

Yes, you will be very sad.

- I gotta go tell Rachel the good news. - Oh. You'll be living together again?

- Why not? - She's having so much fun with Joey...

...I assumed she'd still be living with him.

Why do you think she's having so much fun?

No reason, except she...

...told me.

She said she didn't want to live with me?

No. No, she didn't say that.

I think you should talk to Monica now.

Phoebe, I'm sure she wants to live with you.

You're absolutely sure?

No, but I'll bet she probably does.

Oh, probably?

I don't like that word.

I know what "probably" really means. Yeah, uh-huh, yeah.

"Oh, your mom probably won't kill herself."

You know. I'm sorry, but I'm not hanging my hopes...

...of Rachel and I living together on "probably."

You gotta take care of yourself in this world.

History teaches us nothing.

Bing doesn't seem so weird now, does it?

You're home.

Guess what Phoebe got me for Christmas?

- Drums? - No, drums!

Could we get two burritos to go, please? Ha, ha.

I'm sorry. But not that sorry, you don't have to live with it.

Um, we have a reservation under Bing.

Okay, we'll have a table for you in about 45 minutes.

We have tickets to The Music Man at 8.

I'm sorry. Christmas is a very busy time, sir.

Is this because of the burrito thing?

- You need to give him money. - It was a joke!

To get a table. Places like this are always shaking you down.

- Everybody wants a payoff. - All right, calm down, O'Malley.

- I'll slip him some money. - But you've got to be smooth.

Hey, I can be smooth.

We're in a hurry. If you could get us a table...

...a bit quicker, I'd appreciate it.

- Of course, sir. - Okay.

- How'd it go? - Had the money in the wrong hand.

You don't feel...

...like you're gonna throw up? - No.

Well, I do. So let's...

So, Ben, you, uh...

You know what holiday is coming up?

Christmas.

Yeah, and you know what other holiday is coming up?

Christmas Eve.

Yes, but also...

Hanukkah!

See, you're part Jewish and Hanukkah is a Jewish holiday.

Santa has reindeers that can fly.

Right, um, but on Hanukkah...

Hanukkah is a celebration of a miracle.

Years and years ago there were these people called the Maccabees.

Jingle bells, jingle bells

Okay, that's right. Yes...

...but on Hanukkah, we sing, uh:

Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel I made you out of clay

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer

Ha, ha. Okay, it's not a contest.

When is Santa coming?

How about this year, instead of Santa...

...we have fun celebrating Hanukkah?

No Santa?

Was I bad?

No, no, no, you weren't bad. You've been very good, Ben.

- Santa's mad at me. - No, hey, hey, come on.

Ben, Santa is not mad at you, okay?

You're his favorite little guy.

So Santa's coming?

Yes!

Santa's coming.

It's easy. Just keep it casual.

Shake his hand and give him the money.

- How do you know so much about this? - I don't know.

Richard used to do it, didn't he?

We'd be eating our soup right now.

Mustached bastard.

Those people just left. Come on. Quick, give him the money.

Excuse me.

We're in a bit of a hurry. Can we please?

Ah-ha-ha-ha.

Ha!

So you like the drums.

That's great.

I was worried that they would create maybe...

...an unbearable living situation.

But, okay, well, apparently not. So, yay!

Hey, we already learned a song.

Ready? One, two, three, four.

Tequila!

That's fun.

Here you go.

Thank you, Gunther. Put her there.

Definitely not easier with coins.

Thank you.

- Hey, Pheebs. - Hey.

Here. Now I only owe you $49.50.

- Hey, Pheebs. - Hey.

If you want to get Joey a gift that disrupts the entire building...

...why not something more subtle...

...like a wrecking ball...

...or a vial of smallpox to release in the hallway?

It's not just the drum noise. Every five minutes...

...Joey throws his sticks in the air...

...and I have to hear: "Oh, my eye! Oh, God, my eye!"

- I mean, it's so annoying. - Yes, thank you.

You see, this is how normal people are supposed to react to drums.

You got Joey drums to annoy Rachel...

...so she wouldn't want to live there anymore?

Maybe on some level.

You could just not throw the sticks up in the air.

What is rock 'n' roll about that?

Hey, Joey, I got you another present.

Hold it! Before you tell me what it is...

Okay, what is it?

It's a...

...tarantula!

Oh.

God, Rachel, I'm sorry. What was I thinking...

...giving Joey this big, gross, scary spider...

...in such a poorly constructed cage?

What are you talking about? I love them.

I had a tarantula when I was a kid. But it died because my cat ate it.

And then my cat died.

But, Joey, isn't this cool?

Is it on me? I feel like it's on me. I got...

Oh, isn't that adorable?

- Joey is afraid of the tarantula. - Oh.

He's so adorable.

He's so much fun.

I'm glad you're having so much fun here.

Whoa. Wait a minute.

What's the matter?

Our apartment is ready.

And that makes you angry because?

Because you'd rather live here with Joey.

- Where did you get that? - Monica and Chandler...

...said you were having so much fun here...

...and apparently no amount of drums or tarantulas is gonna change that.

Did you get all this stuff for Joey...

...to try to drive me out of the apartment?

You might as well have gotten him a fish.

You know how fish freak me out.

Fish.

But it wouldn't have mattered. We're gonna live together.

That's the deal.

Yes, but I wanted you to want to live with me.

But if you're having so much fun over here...

Oh. It's so much more fun with you.

- We did have fun, didn't we? - We did.

They say if we want, we could see it tonight.

- I would love to. - Yay, okay!

- Good, good, good. - Great. All right. Good.

And Monica asked me to make the drumming stop.

Um, ahem.

Done.

Hey.

Hello, sir. You here to return those pants?

No, these are my pants.

Oh.

Okay.

- How can I help you? - Um, do you have a Santa outfit left?

Two days before Christmas? Sorry, man.

Okay, look. Do you have anything, uh, Christmas-y?

I promised my son, and I really don't want to disappoint him.

Um, come on, you gotta have something.

I'm the Holiday Armadillo!

I'm a friend of Santa's...

...and he sent me here to wish you...

...a merry Christmas!

What happened to Santa, Holiday Armadillo?

Santa was unavailable...

...so close to Christmas.

Come in, have a seat.

You must be exhausted, coming all the way from Texas.

- Texas? - That's right, Ben.

I'm Santa's representative...

...for all the Southern states.

And Mexico!

But Santa sent me here...

...to give you these presents, Ben.

Maybe the lady will help me with these presents.

Wow, thanks!

You're welcome, Ben.

Merry Christmas. Ooh.

And happy Hanukkah!

Are you for Hanukkah too? Because I'm part Jewish.

You are? Me too.

Because armadillos also wandered in the desert?

You want to wander in the hall?

Oh. Hey, Ben!

What if the Holiday Armadillo...

...told you all about the Festival of Lights?

Cool!

Come on, Ben.

Years and years ago...

...there were these people called...

...the Maccabees!

Ho-ho-ho. Merry Christmas!

Santa!

Hey.

What are you doing here, Santa?

Well, I'm here to see my old buddy, Ben.

What are you doing here...

...Weird Turtle Man?

I'm the Holiday Armadillo...

...your part-Jewish friend.

You sent me here to give Ben some presents.

Remember?

What?

Did you bring me any presents, Santa?

You bet I did, Ben.

Put her there.

Well, it would have worked this time if his hands weren't so damn small.

Ho-ho-ho.

Ben, come open more presents.

Santa, the armadillo and I will have a talk in the kitchen.

There's a sentence I never thought I'd say.

What are you doing?

You said you were having trouble finding a Santa costume...

...so I borrowed one from a guy at work.

Thank you, but you gotta leave.

- Why? - Because...

...I'm finally getting him excited about Hanukkah...

...and you're wrecking it.

But I didn't get to shake my belly like a bowlful of jelly.

I'm sorry, Chandler, but this is really important to me.

Fine, I'll give the suit back.

Hey, you think you can keep it another night?

Santa, really?

Yeah, is that okay?

Did your dad ever dress up like Santa?

- No. - Then it's okay!

Okay, Ben. Santa has to go.

Say goodbye.

No, why does he have to go?

Because if Santa and the Holiday...

...Armadillo...

...are ever in the same room for too long...

...the universe will implode!

Merry Christmas!

No, why can't the armadillo leave? I want Santa.

Fine, I give up. Santa...

Santa can stay!

Well, I'll stay...

...but only because I want to hear about Hanukkah.

Ben, will you sit here with Santa...

...and learn about Hanukkah?

Okay, Santa.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

All right, it's time...

...for the story of Hanukkah.

Years and years ago...

...there were these people called the Maccabees!

Merry Christmas!

Oh, wow, look at this place!

Oh, this is terrible.

They've made so many changes...

...I can't even feel my grandmother's presence anymore.

Oh, new sconces!

- Oh, my God! - What?

Remember, uh, how you told me your grandmother put up that wall...

...to make that into two bedrooms? - Yeah.

And that the landlord might find out...

...and then tear it down? - Yeah?

Do you really not know where I'm going?

It left. It's one huge room.

Oh, no!

Wow!

See?

I guess we'll have to put the wall back up.

- You can't because of the new skylight. - There's a skylight?

Wow!

Oh. So should we start looking for a new place?

You know, I'm sensing...

...that, um, my grandmother would not be comfortable with that.

Oh, yeah?

Starting to feel her again there, are we?

- A little bit. Yeah. - Yeah.

Is your grandmother maybe saying that you should live here alone?

You heard it too? You have the gift.

Phoebe, it's okay.

I like living with Joey.

- Are you sure? - Please. I hate packing...

...it's closer to work.

And we do have fun.

Although, I'm really gonna miss living with you.

- Oh, me too. - I know.

Oh. Did you hear that?

I'm getting something from your grandmother.

She said since you get to keep the one-bedroom apartment...

...you should give Rachel the purple chair.

No, I do not hear that.

And the miracle was that that little bit of oil...

...that should have lasted just one day, burned for...

- Eight whole days. - That's right.

And that's why we celebrate Hanukkah today. The end.

- Awesome. - Yeah.

My favorite part...

...was when Superman flew all the Jews out of Egypt.

The armadillo was actually not so thrilled about that part.

Okay, Ben, it's time to light...

...the Hanukkah candles!

Ho-ho-ho.

Hey.

- Oh. - Wow.

Looks like the Easter Bunny's funeral in here.

Come on, come on. We're lighting the candles.

Oh, oh.

I understand why Superman is here...

...but why is there a porcupine at the Easter Bunny's funeral?

- You get it? - I got it.

Back in the cage?

It's back in the cage.

Is the cage closed?

Joey, will you just come out here and stop being such a baby?