Original subtitles

Oh, my God! You fancy him, don't you?

- KELLY: Who was she? - SETH: She was...

my girlfriend.

She died.

So did you wanna go for that drink, like a date?

Yeah.

- What about Shannon? - She's not coming back.

DARK RUDY: You just had unprotected anal sex with that girl.

I most certainly did.

- And she loved it! - What if she's got HIV?

Cute girls don't get HIV!

Thanks for the hand job, but you're quite old

and you cry a lot.

She was me first, Clare.

He just sleeps with people,

he's out of there before he's had time to take his condom off.

This turning into a girl thing, is that born out of some sort of sexual confusion?

You ain't lived until you've had a multiple orgasm.

AH over your body, like waves of measure.

Were you... wanking?

So what if I was?

- I think you've got your period. - No-one needs to see that.

(HE GROANS)

Why did she stab me? What did I ever do to her?

That wasn't Kelly.

She's swapped bodies.

You'll be fine.

(DANCE MUSIC)

(CAMERA CLICKS)

All right?

Top party! You are pretty. You've got nice...

What are them? These here.

They're c-collarbones!

Do you mind if I smell your hair? Or is that a bit creepy?

Bit creepy. Mm!

All right? You know, you have really slim ankles!

Yeah, that smells like, er...

smells like Ready Brek.

Sexy bone, that. Very... very underrated bone, innit?

Mm.

I'll tell you who's got the best ankles - the Chinese.

Because you never see a Chinese woman with fat ankles, do you?

- (CHUCKLES) - I love Ready Brek, me.

It's the, er...

it's the breakfast of champions.

Whoo!

(THEY LAUGH)

(SHE SQUEALS)

RUDY : Mmm...

Whoa, whoa! What is that?! What is that?

- Oh! - Have we got any use for that? No?

- Wait. - What?

I don't wanna do this if it's just gonna be a one-night thing.

- No, no, no, no. Course not. - I'm sick of guys treating me like shit.

- Yeah, I know. Yeah, yeah. - You promise you'll call me tomorrow?

Love, I promise. I promise you I am not one of them guys.

That's it now. Oh, it's on!

- It is on! Sweet child 0' mine! - Oh!

Are you ready?

- (EXHALES DEEPLY) Yeah? - (SQUEALS)

(HE LAUGHS)

(SHE MOANS)

(HE MOANS)

(LAUGHS)

Ooh! Hoo-ooh! Oooh!

(THEY PANT)

Nice one for that! I needed it.

Oh! Listen, I, er...

I think you're wonderful and everything, but, er...

I think it's only fair to say I won't be calling you.

What?! So you just fuck me and leave? You said you weren't one of those guys?

Yeah, I lied. Have...

Whoa, whoa!

Ohh! Easy, tiger!

Ahhh! Oh!

It was nice knowing you and everything.

Wanker.

(# THE RAPTURE.' Echoes)

ti The city breathing, the people churning

it The conversating

# The price is what?

It The conversating

# This place is heaven

# And if you see them... #

She was nice. She was a... nice... nice girl.

Nice and pretty.

I've gotta be honest- I don't really remember.

You can't remember someone you had sex with? Classy(!)

Well, she was certainly happy with the service.

Look what old Rudy found in his jeans this morning.

The digits!

So are you going to call her?

No! No, I'm not. And I'll tell you why.

When you buy a dog, right,

you know that one day, the dog, it'll grow old

and it'll die. Oh!

And you're gonna be... you're just gonna be heartbroken.

Cos you loved that dog, he was just a cheeky little scamp.

Here's an idea. Don't buy the fucking dog in the first place.

Save everyone the bastard hassle.

- Right. - All I'm saying is,

it's better that I make her cry a little bit now

than break her heart in three years' time when she's totally in love with me

and we've bought a load of shitty furniture together.

It's... it's just the humane thing to do, isn't it?

- You prick. - I know.

- What are we doing today? - We're doing nothing.

- The probation worker's dead. - Oh, yeah.

- Do we even need to be here? - If the probation worker goes missing

and we don't turn up to community service, it looks suspicious.

Whoa, whoa.

Shh-shh-shh-shh!

What was that?

I can't hear anything.

There! You must... you must've heard that?

- Bingo! - (ICE-CREAM VAN JINGLE PLAYS)

It's the fucking ice-cream van! Right, who wants what?

Who wants what? Come on! You... c-c-come with me!

I need an extra pair of hands. Curtis!

Come! Curtis!

Come on.

(# IPC SUB EDITORS: Dictate Our Youth)

(HORN HONKS)

RUDY: Oi!

I said...

ice cream! Ice-cream van's here!

What you having? Look, don't worry about money.

- We'll sort all that out later. - Fuck off!

Well, you'll be sorry, won't you, when you've not got an ice cream

and I'll, mm, and I'll be licking an ice cream?

You won't have anything. You won't have anything!

(RUDY SHOUTS)

(KELLY SIGHS)

I'm gonna have to go inside.

- D'you have to? - Well, they always send

a new probation worker after we've killed one.

(SIGHS)

Do you wanna come in?

Yeah, all right.

(JINGLE PLAYS)

- Hi. - Hi.

I might...

I, um...

I... I'd like some ice cream.

Good, cos I sell those.

(CHUCKLES)

- Right. - (CHANGE JANGLES)

Um...

Three cones.

And, um...

and a rainbow lolly thing.

D'you want some nuts and sauce?

RUDY: Nuts!

Give me some nu...

Whoa! Give me some nuts,

extra sauce and a Flake, please.

It's a buzzin' day, innit, man?

No work, eh,

nuts, extra sauce and a Flake.

Could this day get any better?

What?!

What?

Oh, hello.

Hi.

Where's your mate?

He...

had to make a call.

Oh.

There's your first two.

Give. Give 'em.

So... what was that all about,

the whole... sex-change-switch thing?

Dunno. Just happened.

Well, may I just say, you're looking particularly fine today.

Me, personally,

I could never get tired of looking at that arse...

CURTIS: Is that right?

Right, now, you're gonna have to tell me

when you're gonna change like that, mate, eh?

It's horrible.

Here.

Hmmmm

(HUMS)

What the fuck is that?

It fucking came off! Me fucking dick's come off, man!

That's what happens when you fuck me and then just walk away.

Have you done this to me?

I'm not gonna let guys like you do shit like this to me any more.

Well, fuckin' pack it in ice, man!

Oh, you dick! Look what you've done!

D-D-D-Don't step on it!

Take this.

Is there... is there something wrong with your penis?

- Jesus! - I know!

- Christ! - Dude, that is like

no STD I have ever seen.

And trust me, mate, I've seen 'em, I've seen 'em all.

It's a power thing. That... girl you slept with, she gave it to you.

How do you know?

I saw the future. Put...

Oh, sorry. Yeah. Well, what happened?

It... it came off.

- What came off? - Your cock.

- My cock came off? - Yes. Then someone stood on it.

My cock came! Well... (RAMBLES) I do not wanna live without my cock.

That's just one version of the future. We can change it.

How?

She said it was a punishment for sleeping with her and walking away.

Right!

So I just need to fuck her again, and my cock'll go back to normal, won't it?

- I think so. I'm not sure. - I need to find her

and shag her right now.

You have her number.

Ooh, f...

Shit! Fuck!

- Really? - What did you expect?

It's not a five-star hotel.

Well, I mean, we can always leave it, if you want.

No!

Come here.

Right, so...

read out the numbers - I'm gonna dial it.

- Zero... - Good start.

Come on.

...double seven, double zero, nine, double zero.

That's all we've got.

- W... - We're missing the last two.

Right, well, I'm gonna have to try every combination till I get the right one,

aren't I?

Hello! My name's Rudy. I was just wondering if you can help me.

Did I have sex with you last night? Because l...

Hello?

Hell? Hello?

Well, I'm sorry, but how rude's that?

Eh?

Unbelievable.

Hello! It's Rudy.

Um, basically... No...

No, no, no, no, no. Not right now.

I'm on the phone. Urn, yeah, just a quick question.

Did I have sex with you last night?

Hell? Fuck!

(CHUCKLES) I'm not even gonna ask.

This isn't going to work.

You need to try and remember what happened last night.

There was one gi... two gi... there was... There was three girls.

There was definitely three.

So it's one in three. What were their names?

- I've no idea. - What did they look like?

Ankles.

Collarbones.

Ready Brek.

Ready Brek?

- (SIGHS) - If you've nothing constructive to say,

then please, man, shut the fuck up.

We should retrace your steps,

go back to the house, see if she's still there.

Yes! See this guy?

He's good!

(WHEEZY LAUGH)

You're a logic guy, and I can... I really can respect that.

I bet you're really good at Battleships, aren't you?

Anyway, stop chatting. We've gotta save me cock.

This is it.

Definitely.

(DOOR CREAKS)

(SIGHS)

Where did you see her last?

Bedroom.

(WHISPERS) Here, man, it's her.

Are you certain you have the right room?

Have we got any use for that?

Yeah, man, I'm telling you, that is her. That's definitely her.

OK.

So you just need to wake her up,

talk to her

and try to have sex with her.

Or...

Or what?

Well, I mean, do I need...

to wake her up? Is that bit important?

- What d'you mean? - Well...

I dunno. Can't I just slip it in there and give her a little sleepy-fuck?

That's rape.

(TUTS)

Is it?

Yes!

I'm not sure - that's a grey area, dude.

No, it isn't.

Oh! What a dick!

You've woke her up, man!

Just wait here, and just...

(WHISPERS) ...make sure no-one comes in, yeah?

Hello!

Why are you still here?

I get it.

You're angry at me for walking out on you.

It was a joke! (LAUGHS) It was a practical joke.

And now here I am, with these lovely flowers, look!

I don't need flowers. I need fucking painkillers!

- My head's killing me. - Look, listen, right.

I think... I think I'm fall...

Stop it.

I think I'm falling for you.

Do you understand?

Yeah? I think you might be the one.

Can I have my tablets back?

Last night, when we fucked -

made love, whatever- our souls joined together.

Yeah? And here's the big news...

I want to be your boyfriend.

We'll settle down, we'll get an 'ouse. In the weekends,

we'll go to Homebase, and in the evenings, we'll cuddle up and watch DVDs...

All that can be yours.

Shall we seal the deal with a bit of sex?

Why would I want to be your girlfriend?

Because you're a girl.

- It's what you lot want, isn't it? - No.

- Anyway. I never slept with you. - You did...

I think I know who I had sex with.

Well, how come I rock up here at the scene of the crime

and you're still in bed?

Because I live here.

Because this is my bed.

Right...

So you fucked someone in my bed?

I need to leave.

Are you... are you a doctor or summat?

I'm a trainee.

That'll do.

I need an expert medical opinion on something...

- Out you come. - (SCREAMS)

Simon! Simon, dude, it's not her.

- We need to get a move on, mate. - What happened?

I've just shown it to her. It's gone black.

It is not pretty down there, my friend.

All right, love, I'm Rudy.

I think I know who it might be.

Ooh, have I had sex with her?

Wow.

Do you know this girl?

- That's Amy Goodwin. - Do you know where she lives?

#All I really want is girls

it And in the morning, it's girls

# Cos in the evening, it's girls... #

Never thought I'd say this - I'm actually kind of bored.

Ring the Council if you want,

get them to hurry up with the new probation worker.

You're all right.

#... And I can always make them smile

# From White Castle to the Nile. #

Oh, hi.

Not again.

I keep randomly changing.

Something's going on with my power.

- And my tits, they're really sore. - Be honest...

is this just an excuse for being shit at table football?

They're fucking killing me. Is that normal?

So...

This is community service, is it?

Yeah. It's usually much more shit than this.

Have you got a passport?

What?

Why do you want my passport?

I thought we could go away together.

What, like on holiday?

Yeah. I was going to go on my own, but...

I was thinking Morocco, somewhere like that.

What's in Morocco?

It's just somewhere to go. Somewhere different.

I've got my community service.

It doesn't matter. Don't worry about it if you're not interested.

I'll think about it.

Hang on a minute.

Let me have a wee before we start.

Who says romance is dead?

- Fuck off. - Go on then, go for your wee.

What's it doing?

It's not doing anything...

I'm pregnant.

# Ticking away The moments that make up a dull day

# Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way

# Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town

# Waiting for someone or something to show you the way

# Tired of lying in the sunshine...

It's really starting to hurt, this is, mate.

This is her flat.

OK.

OK, match.

It is frigging payback time.

I'm going to fuck her so hard, man,

I am going to fuck her into the middle of next week.

I'm going to fuck her so hard she's going to be like a...

That wasn't her.

At least, I don't think it was.

Can't have been that drunk...

- I think we need to leave. - No! Whoa! No!

We are going nowhere, pal.

Hello...

Amy Goodwin.

How are... how are things?

Did you just flash your cock at my sister?

No.

Yeah, I did, yeah.

What the fuck do you think you're doing? She's in there now, crying her eyes out!

It was a simple misunderstanding. I thought she was you.

What are even you doing here?

Flowers.

Because you're... my flower.

Right.

- Look, if this is about last night... - Yeah,

look, I apologise for that.

I were bang out of order.

It shouldn't have happened.

You're right. I hold my hands up. I'm sorry.

OK.

Look, it was lovely meeting you and everything, but you really should leave.

Look, whoa, whoa!

- Right? I was a prick. - Can we just forget about it?

I can't forget about it! I can't forget about you.

I want you to be my girlfriend, Amy Goodwin.

Can you please just fuck off or I'm gonna have to call the police, all right?

But, Amy...

Amy Goodwin...

I should do another one.

Don't waste your money. They'll all come out the same.

It can't be right.

Curtis, you're pregnant.

You can't tell anyone, yeah?

Don't worry, I won't.

Who's the father?

I don't know.

Well, who did you have sex with when you were a girl?

- No-one! - It can't be no-one's.

What about that stuff with the creepy coach guy?

Not him. He didn't do anything.

Well, who then?

Didn't... Rudy try it on with you?

Motherfucker!

You should've seen her face. She knows, she knows what she did to me.

We need to think of something.

Mate, you need to think of something, cos you're the ideas man.

I'm wasting away down here.

How much money have you got?

You're going to pay her to have sex with you?!

Well, let's have a better idea. Eh?

- (MOBILE RINGS) - Hang on.

- Yeah? - Did you have sex with me?

- What?! - Did you have sex with the girl me

that time in the locker room?

- No, no, dude, I only went down on you. - We“, then, how come I'm pregnant?!

Seriously? Mate, congratulations!

Simon, our Curtis is pregnant.

Yeah, mate, he's speechless. Listen, we're both really happy for you.

You're saying that nothing happened?

Dude, nowt happened.

Mate, I've got to go, I've got more important things to deal with right now,

like me cock, which is falling off!

Do one.

What did he say?

He's saying his cock's falling off.

What about the baby?

Said it wasn't him.

Well, it must be someone. These things don't just happen on their own!

Yeah, I do know that!

Oh, shit!

- Me again. - (COIN DROPS)

- What are you doing? - I've got...

£16.76.

- What for? - Just forget everything,

take the money, have sex with me.

You think I'm a prostitute?!

Or that you could be. If you wanted.

Because you're so beautiful.

- Oh, my God. - In the name of the Father,

please, take the money and shag me!

- Look, I'll be really quick... - Just get out.

...and I'll clean up after myself. - Amy, are you all right?

Will you go away? We're just in the middle of something, sorry.

It's nothing, it's... just some guy.

Some... guy that you had sex with last night.

- What?! - What is he on about?

I'm not ashamed of it, neither,

and I'm gonna scream it from the frigging rooftops.

I had sex with Amy Goodwin last night, and she was amazing.

You were amazing.

We did not have sex.

We just kissed, you twat!

You kissed him?!

OK, that does sound worse than it is.

Whoa, sorry, we didn't have sex?

- So, what, you're back into guys now? - I was drunk.

Weird. I seem to remember that being the excuse last time.

Can we talk about this later?

Whoa, I'm sorry to interrupt this little... thing you've got going on here,

but are you absolutely sure we didn't have sex?

Yes. So, can you fuck off?

Oh, ohhh, God!

Ohh.

Oh, er... Do apologise to your sister for me, won't you? You know.

Maybe come back and show her again when it's better or summat.

Nice one.

It's not her, mate.

It's gotta be Collarbones - she's the one.

We should go back to the house where the party was.

Someone's got to know who she is.

Come on, let's go.

Oh, fuck.

So... you're wanking off as a guy...

...and then swapping and doing it again... as a girl?

Uh-huh.

Why?

It passed the time.

Ugh.

I think I used the same... the same tissue to...

...to wipe up.

Both times.

That is so fucking rank.

Thanks for the sympathy, yeah?

You got a sec?

Are you pregnant?

No.

Well, there's this thing in the toilet, a pee stick thing.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Right. OK.

It doesn't matter.

This is really starting to piss me off.

Then just swap back, just stop moaning about it.

I can't switch back!

You're kidding me.

I'm stuck!

Argh!

Exposing yourself...

to a 12-year-old girl.

It were a simple misunderstanding. Anyone could've done that.

Now your penis is going to fall off.

What did I say to you? I said, didn't I, if you go around, acting like an idiot,

sexing up all these girls, you are gonna catch something.

I thought I might get the clap or one or two crabs here and there.

I weren't expecting this. It's rotting away!

Well, maybe if you treat her right instead of all the macho bollocks all the time...

- Here we go. - Just face it,

the only reason, mate, you treat girls like crap

is because you're scared.

You're scared that if you let 'em in, and they get to know the real you,

you know, then they might reject you.

So you reject them, before they get a chance.

You never let your guard down.

You are...

pathetic.

But now your todge is gonna fall off, so...

Just shut the fuck up, man!

Are you happy now?

Yeah, I'm scared.

I'm never gonna have sex again and I'm gonna look like a freak.

Yeah, well, I can't live with you like this - you're gonna do my head in.

I might have an idea.

I thought I'd cook you some dinner tonight.

Fishfingers, nothing special.

Are you pregnant?

What?

It's OK.

I know it's not what either of us planned. I just want to say that...

I'm there for you, if you, you know...

I'm not pregnant.

- I saw the pregnancy test in the toilet. - It's not mine.

Well, Alisha says it's not hers, so whose is it?

I don't know!

You can tell me. Just... tell me the truth.

lam!

It's not mine. I'm not pregnant, you dick.

Right.

So you can stop shitting yourself.

What? It's fine, I wasn't worried.

Nah, course you weren't.

All right, maybe I was shitting myself a little bit.

- (MOBILE RINGS) - Oh, it's work. I'd better get this.

Yeah?

Right.

What, you found it?

And where is it now?

Yeah, yeah, I'm still here.

Urn... yeah, I want it.

I'll be right there.

Something's come up.

I need to get going.

It's fine, don't worry about it.

I'm really sorry.

Make it quick.

Oh, I see - you're a watcher. Well, unlucky, cos I need a shit.

(CRASHING)

- Oh! - Are you all right?

Just a bit of a messy one, mate. You're better off out there.

- (FLUSHES) - Swear you'll come back for me.

Yep. Look, I promise.

Thanks for doing this, man.

Good luck, yeah?

Hiya.

I'm gonna at least need some antibacterial hand scrub or a hand towel. It's disgus...

Just call me fucking Harry Houdini.

I think I know where she might be.

What?

What's that? Is that the best you've got?

The future of my cock depends on the slim chance

that she might be at some random nightclub? Is that what you're saying?

Yes.

Well, let's get going, then!

Shit.

Yeah.

I know.

What are you gonna do?

I've tried everything.

I'm stuck.

So, what happens to Curtis?

I'm still here!

So... what shall we call you?

Like... Melissa or?

I don't give a shit!

I'm gonna have a baby.

- That isn't right. - (WHISPERS) Kelly...

I'm sorry.

You can't have a baby where the mum's a man who turns into a woman.

There are options, you know.

I'll see you tomorrow.

It's in the boot.

Are you gonna ask me where I found it?

What?

You know something, after all this hassle, I thought you'd be a little more excited.

It's complicated.

You do still want it, don't you?

I mean, cos if you don't, I can always find another buyer.

Yeah.

Yeah, I do want it.

(ENGINE STARTS)

(MUFFLED PROTESTS)

Don't worry, I'm not gonna hurt you.

I've just come to take your power.

(DANCE MUSIC POUNDS)

Where is she, man?

We should split up.

Oh, that is a good idea. Listen, look for a girl with beautiful collarbones, mate.

All right? Good lad.

Jesus.

Argh! Argh!

- Whoa. Oh, it's great to see you(!) - You wanker!

Listen, please, help me out. Just shag me and make me better.

So, what, you think this is what this is all about?

I just want another fuck, and everything will go back to normal?

I don't know! I don't know what you want.

I just didn't want to be treated like shit.

Guys like you, you shit on girls and you just walk away, no harm done.

You make me sick.

Well, guess what? Now your dick's gonna fall off.

And I'm glad.

I'm hanging by a thread. I am hanging by a thread! Help me out!

Please help me.

Fuck! Fuck's sake! My penis!

Jesus Christ! Get out the way, move.

(RECORD SCRATCHES TO A STOP)

GIRL: Get off the stage, you wanker.

Sorry to interrupt your party. Urn...

There's just something I need to say.

- MAN: Fuck off! - Hmm. I just want to say,

to all the girls I might have had sex with...

and treated like shit,

I am sorry.

I'm sorry.

I don't know why I do it.

Maybe I am... scared.

I just... I'm scared that if you get to know me,

when I'm not pissed and fucking showing off, being a dick,

you'll think I'm nothing...

special.

I'm just a twat with a big mouth.

Um...

I never meant to hurt anyone.

I'm sorry.

Thanks, that's all I have to say.

- GIRL: Fuck off, then! - MAN: Shut up, you northern monkey!

(CROWD JEERS)

(DANCE MUSIC RESTARTS)

- You look like you meant that. - I did. I did.

You ever do this to anyone else...

I swear! I swear to God, I'll never do it again. Just make me better, please.

Is that? It's going back to normal? It's going back to normal!

- Thank you so much! - Anyway, nice knowing you.

No, wait... I'm sorry, I didn't...

I never got your name.

I'm Rudy.

Leah.

You seem like a really nice girl.

Do you want to...

Do you want to go for a drink?

(LAUGHS) Oooh

So you want to get me drunk and fuck me again, is that it?

That's not what it is.

It's not.

See you later.

(MOBILE RINGS)

This is Seth, leave a message.

It's me. I just wanted to say about Morocco.

I don't know why I didn't say yeah straight away. I'm a dick.

It's just that no-one's ever asked me to go on holiday with them before.

Anyway, yeah, so just give me a call later.

I miss ya.

- Where's Curtis? - I don't know.

I think he's got morning sickness.

He should eat ginger biscuits.

Apparently it helps alleviate the nausea.

Take this down. Here you are, check it out.

Check that bastard out, it's immaculate!

- I'm very happy for you. - Thank you.

And, you know, thank you.

Your boyfriend helped save my cock, did you know that?

I'm so proud(!)

Yeah, and so you bloody should be.

Do you know what, man? It actually made me wonder.

Cos you can't live life for yourself. You've got to think about other people.

Like that song, you know...

High School Musical,

We're AH In This Together?

I never understood that song, until now, mate. And...

Oh, mate!

I'm sorry.

I completely forgot, mate.

I'm“ rm “W!

Don't be like that. Don't, mate. I would've remembered you eventually.

Don't... Fuck!

Dude! Come here, mate.

Sorry. I'm sorry!

And how can I help you today?

It's me, Curtis.

Right.

Suits you.

I'm stuck.

I can't switch back.

I need you to take my power.

I can help you.

- But I need you to do something for me. - Whatever.

- I'll do it. - I've got another power.

I need to put it in you and you'll have to use it for me.

What power?

The power to bring people back from the dead.

Like who?

A girl.

I'm gonna need more than that.

My dead girlfriend.

Ah, nah. Kelly's a mate. I can't do that to her.

It isn't like that.

I need to do this.

We can help each other out.

OK.

Let's go resurrect my dead girlfriend.

What the fuck is going on?

Why are you dumping me?

Shannon's alive.

Cheerleaders! Sweet!

He's dead.

CURTIS: Mr Miggles got hit by a car,

- but I brought him back to life. - Miggles!

He attacked me.

They think you're a zombie. They're coming to kill you.

We smash their skulls to destroy their brains. We kill them all.

We're really not bad kids.

Yeah.