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Son of a gun

♪ You walked into the party ♪

♪ Like you were ♪ ♪ Walking onto a yacht ♪

♪ Your hat strategically dipped ♪ ♪ Below one eye ♪

♪ Your scarf, it was apricot ♪

♪ You had one eye In the mirror ♪

♪ As you watched yourself Gavotte ♪

♪ And all the girls... ♪

How does a girl who falls...

No, actually, she jumps,

eyes open, down a rabbit hole, plummeting into chaos,

come out the other end unchanged?

The answer?

She doesn't.

See, I know, because that girl is me.

♪ You're so vain ♪

♪ You probably think ♪ ♪ This song is about you ♪

♪ You're so vain ♪ ♪ So vain ♪

♪ I'll bet you think this song... ♪

But to truly understand the predicament I was in,

i.e., stuck in the middle of chaos...

...you'd have to go back

to that first day at my new job.

Actually, to be fair,

you should go back a little further,

starting with Mom.

Don't worry, I'm not blaming her...

entirely.

She believed that all problems could be solved

by listening to Carly Simon.

Greatest Hits.

Side two. Hurry.

My father sits at night With no lights on...

Something about her voice or her lyrics or her music

helped Mom clear the chaos,

especially after a fight with Dad...

...or when he left us for good.

People said Mom was better off

They said she was lucky.

But she believed...

Luck is when preparation meets opportunity.

You've got to prepare for the life you want.

And though I knew I wanted a career

in broadcast journalism,

it took a little Carly and a lot of time

to find the person I most wanted to work with...

But she is smart...

...Diane Sawyer.

Chic, smart, intelligent...

And she married well. Good point.

She's a little beige.

No, no. She's taupe. Taupe is never beige.

Taupe's classic, confident.

It says, "I'm elegant."

"And I don't need color to prove it."

There you go.

Oh, I want to work with her one day.

You should work with her. I will work with her.

With my career decided, I left for college,

hopeful I would meet someone I could be certain of.

Phillip. Sean. Bruce. Jeremy. Gideon. Noah.

Mudfoot. Dan. Trotsky. Earl. Frank. Brian. Bean.

Bean? As in, "How have you...?"

Bean. Yeah.

I really, really like him, Mom.

You do?

Yeah, I do. I think I do. Maybe.

Don't over-commit yourself

unless you are absolutely certain.

You've got to prepare for the life you want.

Again, I turned to Carly.

Nobody does it better

Makes me feel sad

For the rest

Nobody does it Half as good as you...

And while my roommates weren't as understanding

as I'd hoped...

Is that Stacy again? Come back to bed.

...it did bring certainty.

I'm sorry, Bean.

We have only but one road to travel in this life,

and I just don't think we're on the same one.

So to get more involved,

or for me to over-commit myself,

would just lead to chaos.

But how do you know?

I am certain.

I mean, what if you're wrong?

What if we're supposed to be together?

What if you just made the biggest mistake of your life?

Stacy, honey!

Smile.

There are moments in life

where you hope your decisions weren't rash.

Bean! Bean!

And moments where you just know.

Stacy. Derek.

Nice to meet you. Yeah, ditto.

I had met my life mate.

I was certain.

That's good. Guys.

Yes? The bar's closed.

What are you doing?!

That first year of our relationship was amazing.

We were in sync, inseparable and in love.

And though I technically still lived with Mom,

I was spending practically all my time at Derek's.

My life was going according to plan.

Sort of.

Derek! Bob! Bob!

Professionally speaking,

I was the go-to girl in a dead-end job.

I mean, you can only work your way up for so long.

Right?

It was time to move on.

And while Diane Sawyer was still out of reach,

television personality Kippie Kann wasn't.

The grand dame of daytime talk needed an associate producer.

Me.

It was a match made in Trenton

Which pretty much brings us up to speed.

Ira Nachlis. Follow.

The beginning of the end.

Day one.

Oi. Er...

Tight on space, but your desk is right next to

- Barb. - Campbell-hyphen-Dunn.

Hi. Hi.

Meet our new associate producer, Stacy Hoyt.

Holt. Whatever.

Put your stuff down and I'll take you to the taping.

Okay.

We got pictures of six different strippers he's been with.

Cheating bastard.

They call it "fluffing." Prepping the guests.

Yeah, we got proof. Go on now, be strong... and violent.

By the time they're on they're ready to go nine rounds.

You'll see.

So there's two shows today, 9 and 3.

Nine is "Cheating Bastards." My idea.

Hey, I owe you one, Bea.

Oh, no problem.

That's a great idea. Thanks.

Why aren't you producing? I am. Carl just takes credit.

Deep breath.

And showtime.

- Pathway, people. - I'm on my way, on my way.

Hi.

Anybody have tickets for Thomas Oglestein?

Uh, I haven't proofed these yet They look okay to you?

Did you use the words "dope," "dog" and "stripper"

at least five times?

Yeah. They're fine.

They're fine.

Good lord, is it just me?

I think a horse in Montana is missing his feedbag.

I just got word we're about ready to start,

but before we do,

I'd like you all to get to know one another.

If everyone could turn to the person behind them

and shake hands, that would be great.

You guys are not that bright. We are really gonna start...

I lost my scream.

What?

I have doorbell, buzzer, rapidly-beating heart...

But no scream, no show! No scream, no show!

Go, Barb.

Run title.

Stand by, DP.

- Thanks, Barb. - Did we get that?

And cue applause.

- Standing by. - Stand by, Kippie.

Go gray, and cue Kippie.

There she is!

Hey, nice to see you.

Hey, hello.

Hello.

She's getting ahead of you. Stand by, camera three.

Stand by, three.

Camera three.

Carl, what are you looking at?

Four next.

Welcome to Kippie Kann Do!

Today we're putting the dogs to the ultimate test.

Is your man a cheating bastard?

No!

Then he'll have to pass

the Kippie Kann Lie Detector to prove it.

Phil, camera two.

Camera two, ready?

Cue doorbell.

Cue scream.

Better get that.

Yeah, bring it on, sucker!

What up? What!

Cue apes.

Apes? Security.

Oh. Hoo-hoo.

Yeah, represent!

What? What? What? Unh!

Rapper Boy Taye. Yeah.

Why do you think you're here?

I'm here because

my woman's getting a hot hoochie-mama makeover.

- Camera four. - I'd do her.

There is some kind of critter under the table.

It's either a rat...

My sister saw you humping on a dirty-girl stripper.

Dirty-girl stripper?

You crazy! I never been with no stripper.

That ain't your grandma.

- That ain't me. - Liar!

You stupider than you look! No, you didn't!

What are you, crazy?

You a dirty dog.

Now, let's not rush to judgment.

Are you willing to prove it, Taye?

Yeah. What do you say, audience?

Prove it! Prove it! Prove it! Prove it!

Prove it! Prove it!

- I've got nothing. - Lori, what's up?

Another guest?

Do we have the right running order?

Should we have someone?

Who's up?

I'm sorry. I don't have this.

Whoa!

Hello? Anyone there?

Oh, Jesus. Kippie's gonna...

[MIC SLAMS, FEEDBACK SCREECHES Thar she blows.

Kippie can't keep covering, Carl!

Good girl.

Is anybody running anything in the booth,

or is it just me down here by myself?

I'm all alone down here!

What are you guys doing. You're crazy!

What was the problem, Phil?

Oh, shoot! There it is. It's a big one!

Okay, people, lots to do. We've got two shows today.

But first I want to say hello to our new associate producer,

our little doorbell-ringer herself,

Stacy Holt.

What's up, girl?

Just kidding, Stace. Just a little fun.

Welcome to our little thing.

Katie, you want to show them the...

Take a look at our new look.

You've got to be kidding.

"Kippie Kann keeps competitors crying..."

He's bringing back the hard K's.

The what?

Keep going, Katie, keep going.

It was her thing, you know? Like a trademark.

"...creatively, while keeping keen on..."

But that was a million years ago.

Nostalgia, folks.

Hearkens back to a simpler time. They eat it up.

Like when Captain Kangaroo was king

and Casey Kasem was still in kindergarten.

Casey Kasem? He's nuts.

Who invented reality?

We did.

So keep those hard K's coming on the cue cards.

Kip, you should be in makeup, kiddo.

Cut the K's, Carl.

It's cute, it's Kippie...

It's crap!

Capisce?

Here's the thing.

That orchid on the desk, well, I just got it.

Which can only mean it's a new picture.

Let me see that.

She's right.

This cruelty cannot continue.

Katie... Carl.

Kippie.

If somebody has a problem with me,

just tell me straight up. Otherwise...

You get canned! With a C.

Kippie, to makeup.

- Good girl. - I told you.

I'll do my best to catch the culprit, Kippie.

Thank you... um...

Ira.

Nachlis.

Nice to meet you.

I've worked here for three years.

Okay, people! Need your focus right here!

It's all about sweeps.

Give me drama, pathos, life unfolding.

Make me cry.

Ira, regurgitate something fresh.

"Midget Holiday Hell."

Stinks.

Come on, give it to Daddy.

"My Boyfriend's a Girl." "Parents Who Party."

Who do they party with? You're rejecting the midgets?

Midgets. What?

Mixed parents. Happy mixed parents.

One normal size...

One midget? Sexy. I like it.

Those midgets are mine!

You can't corner the midget market!

Besides, yours only party during holidays,

mine party as a family.

Are they a happy family? It'd make you cry.

Kippie is great with sentiment

Okay, give me that thing.

Don't... Get back in the chair. Don't touch it.

He has no happy, mixed midgets!

Gentlemen, please!

We combine the segments,

we share the credit and the midgets.

We work together here, people. We are a team.

"Grandma's a Hooker."

You got a grandma?

Several. Run the prep.

- "Pregnant Strippers." - "Penitentiary Porn."

"Little Black Books."

Do not follow.

Electronic little black books.

As in?

As in Palms, BlackBerries, desk organizers.

Electronic footprints

of where your man has been and with whom.

I don't think that... Under the right circumstances,

they could prove to be a girl's best friend.

Especially a... A scorned girlfriend, wife, mistress...

I think it's a fantastic idea.

Thank you!

And since our audience is 90 percent female...

Sexy. Run the prep.

Let's go! Come on.

"Pregnant Strippers." "Black Midgets With Books."

"Hillbilly Love."

"Unnatural Animal Love."

Yes.

"Literacy in Inner-City Schools."

- Shit! Take it back! - Take it back!

- She was just kidding. - That's funny.

And I tried to pretend I was.

First the doorbell, then the staff meeting.

I'm absolutely mortified.

Don't worry. No one will even remember.

You can ring my bell

Hey, hey, stop it. Ring my bell

She's really upset.

Oh, please. I'm the only victim here.

Why should I be forced to share credit with...?

Not fair.

Your midget idea was tired. His twist made it different.

Thanks. I feel so much better.

If you make sweeps even with shared credit,

that's a huge deal.

I happen to know that the people from Harpo,

Oprah's group,

TiVo every one of our shows.

For what it's worth,

I really like your "Little Black Book" idea.

Really?

Yeah. So don't cry in my soup.

So how does it all work exactly?

You put your best shows in sweeps.

The most outrageous, the most provocative.

You know, attention-grabbers.

And then they promo the hell out of it.

It's all about getting eyeballs, to get numbers,

to get revenue, to get renewed.

We're beginning sweeps now,

so things are pretty much in the can.

So, what was pitched today?

June sluts.

Slots. Of which we average nine a month.

"We" being the drones, the APs.

Every time an AP gets a slut... Slot. It's a notch.

You know, like a credit.

You need so many credits to advance.

And you have the most?

Catching on. He's up next.

The only way to jump ahead of him

is if you land the live show.

Please. This month?

A week from Friday.

Which never happens. APs never get the live show.

Karen Meskil. Urban legend.

Anyway, if you do, you're instantly promoted.

Wow.

Hi, Barbara.

- Hey, Kippie. - Great show.

Let's not go there.

You must be Stacy.

Wow. I am so unbelievably sorry about what happened...

Oh, please.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

Hello again.

Ira.

Nachlis.

Yes, you are.

I'm so sorry to hear about you and Neil.

I thought he was a keeper.

Kippie.

Sorry, excuse me.

Bye.

Who's Neil?

My boyfriend. Ex, actually.

"Hi, Barbara. How's Neil?" "You must be Stacy."

What's missing here?

Oh, me.

You're right.

I should get as many shows on the air as possible.

Be seen.

Noticed by somebody. Anybody.

Okay, so what I'm about to do

should not be interpreted as groveling,

hypocrisy or desperation.

It's merely a loss of personal integrity.

Excuse me. Larry, wait up.

Hmm. He's funny.

Yeah.

Talented too.

Okay, I'll do the midgets.

Too bad he'll never make it here.

Why not?

He cares too much what everyone thinks.

Especially Kippie.

And that's bad because...?

Because they're shopping for a newer model.

But she's the boss.

It's been in the works a long time.

Who do you think leaked the pictures to the tabloids?

What?

Well, our ratings are down

and she's got five years left on her contract.

You do the math.

So it is always like this?

I don't know.

I haven't been here long enough to say.

Oh. No, I thought you were...

A lifer? Nah.

A year and a half ago I was on Wall Street,

and before that I drove a bus.

It's all pretty much the same, you know?

People will tell you who they are if you just listen

You can figure them out.

Sometimes you can help.

Let's help Kippie.

I should warn you,

I'm uncomfortable with touching and sentiment.

Sorry. Thank you.

It's all about the bottom line in every business.

Does she know?

She used to be prime-time out of New York.

Now she's syndicated in Jersey.

It's one thing to start here,

but you don't climb your way to Trenton.

Nothing we can do, short of winning sweeps.

Well, then, let's win sweeps.

Oh, okay.

We could try. Win one for the Kipper?

Yeah. No.

Please.

Okay, this is too earnest for me.

I mean, you've been teetering and now you just crossed over.

Don't you like her?

I do, actually. A lot.

But that's irrelevant.

That may be so,

but does it reveal who your true friends are?

Are they keeping secrets?

Well, it's not a secret anymore for someone.

And we'll tell you why after these words.

Hey.

Man, you should've seen what came out of this animal.

Oh, I miss all the good stuff.

You think you're pretty cute, don't you?

Well, I'm no Bob.

Oh, you better apologize.

Uh-uh.

I think you just insulted Bob.

You insinuated ugliness.

I did not, I did not.

Apologize. Okay, okay.

I'm sorry, Bob, I'm sorry.

All right.

Wait, where are you going?

I gotta finish packing. Two minutes.

Okay.

Did I tell you about Nieuwendyk's cousin?

MVP out of Detroit?

Guess who he's seeing Friday morning? His request.

Yeah, you told me. It's amazing.

Honey, this fast-forward thing isn't working.

Oh, my God!

What? Oh, he has gas.

Oh, God.

Bob, get down. Can we open a window,

Come here, boy. honey, or just...

Yeah, plus Robbie Moore out of Buffalo?

These guys are, like,

the top two recruits in the entire country.

If I can nail them both...

No ifs. You will. I know it.

Oh, what is the matter with that Bob?

Burrito. Want me to take him out again?

Later. I can do it right now.

No, later. Positive?

Uh-huh.

Mmm! Jesus wept.

Bob, no more hot sauce, all right?

Why are you feeding him hot sauce?

I don't know.

What are you watching?

Oh, Kippie. I'm studying the format.

- Huh. - Tell us how bulimia

affected your relationships, Lulu.

I lost them all.

My agent, my friends, my boyfriends.

Lulu? Fritz.

The supermodel.

I was so ashamed.

I knew it.

Hmm?

I knew she barfed.

Oh. That documentary.

No, I mean I heard her.

You heard Lulu Fritz barfing?

Yeah, a couple times. Nasty.

You think I'm gonna need a sweater in Detroit? In May?

What?

You don't feel compelled to explain further?

We dated... a little. I told you that, didn't I?

Let me think. Mmm, no.

Ahh, thought I did.

Are you gonna be cool staying here by yourself?

Yeah. Walk Bob when you come home?

Sure. Don't let him walk you.

All right? Who's the boss? Me.

Tell him that.

I'm the boss, Bob. Hear that, Bob?

You never mentioned her.

Who?

Lulu.

That's probably because

we don't sit around talking about past relationships.

She was a relationship.

Oh, come on, Stace.

Yeah, we do.

You told me about that med student

you dated right before me.

And then the girl before that. Uh, what's her name?

Joyce.

I guess you just forgot to mention...

Stace, come on. This is why I hate talking

about this stuff It's just.. you end up fighting

over old ghosts. It's history. It's over. The past is past.

That's before the past

was a supermodel that barfed quietly.

All right, you know, I don't pry into your old boyfriends.

I never dated Brad Pitt.

All right, shut it off, okay?

Look.

I've had really bad experiences

talking about past relationships,

no matter how casual.

If you have to know, uh, we had problems... in bed.

Hallelujah

Okay?

Okay.

You know, Bob hates it when we fight.

We're not fighting. Tell him.

We are not fighting, Bob.

So no more Lulu Fritz?

I will never mention the name Lulu Fritz again.

All right. Mm.

Lulu Fritz. No!

And he never told you?

The past is past.

"Unnatural Animal Love" in five.

Tell me you're not quoting him.

We sort of made an agreement

not to discuss old relationships.

Renegotiate.

No!

Those who do not learn

from his history

are condemned to repeat it.

It doesn't even matter who he dated.

What matters is why he stopped.

What's he do for a living? He works for the Devils.

Who doesn't? Ha! Kidding.

Think about it hypothetically.

Say Derek's like Neil.

Hypothetically.

How do you find out before you're too far gone?

He's not gonna say, "We broke up

because I was screwing my way through the phone book."

"And I only got to K." Thank you.

He'll say... "The past is past."

Right.

The man is hiding something.

What about his family?

Excellent point.

They'll always give dirt.

No, no, no. That's not what I mean.

What are they like? What's the dynamic?

You can tell a lot by studying where he came from.

It's just a rehearsal.

I haven't met them.

He doesn't bring girls home.

He just doesn't.

Can I ask, did you ever think of appealing this decision,

meeting the folks?

I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable.

Oh, yeah, let's not do that. That'd be bad.

Stop it!

What century are you in?

You have a right... Nay, an obligation

to find out more.

Now, he's away for, what, two weeks?

Take that time, I beg you.

Learn a few things. Anything.

Information's power.

All livestock stage left.

It feels dishonest.

Yeah, that's because it is.

You want to keep your man,

you find out why they didn't.

I thought you stopped.

I have.

Look, I agree.

There's better ways to do it.

I mean, it'd be great if you could ask him...

Or the folks.

But since no one argues with the lord and master,

you gotta get creative. Personally, I think

all men should come with letters of recommendation

or warning labels.

Or little black books.

Does he have one? A Palm. Why?

She may be hopeless.

She's not hopeless.

I'm not hopeless.

Okay, then open it up, explore.

Speaking of which, what was Lulu's last name?

Fritz. Why?

What's that?

Vintage. Working Girl.

1988.

Good movie?

It's a great movie!

You've never seen it?

Staten Island girl.

Trying to make her way in the big city on her own terms.

Melanie Griffith, huh?

Yeah.

Has she never heard of call waiting?

And Mike Nichols.

He's famous.

Oh, he's a genius.

Plus he's married to Diane Sawyer.

Ah! Who you want to be.

Ringing.

Ladies.

I don't want to be her, Barb. I want to work with her.

I will work with her. I believe I will.

I believe you will too.

Hello, Lulu Fritz?

Ira Nachlis,

senior associate producer/producer

for Kippie Kann Do.

Listen, uh...

"I Model, Then I Barf Quietly"

is one of our highest-rated shows ever.

What are you doing?!

Excuse... Okay, look.

I am trying to give a young innocent

her 15 minutes of fame. Now shhh!

I'm sorry.

Lulu, we're thinking of having a special next month

We'd like you to come in tomorrow for an interview.

Mm-hm.

Excellent. We'll do lunch and throw up.

Catch up.

Mm-hm.

I would love to expose myself to your viewers.

Okay. Not going there.

Uh, so how did the documentary affect your personal life, Lulu

Well, it forced Stephen, my ex, to face his truth.

He barfed too.

Fascinating. And before Stephen?

I didn't date much.

I was shy.

And ugly.

Why is it that every supermodel

says how ugly they were when they were young?

Is it because they want us to know they suffered?

Do they think that it makes them more deserving,

that we'll forgive them their bounty?

None of us believe you.

No one invited me to the prom.

Makes you stronger.

So the only relationship you ever had ever was Stephen?

No. I mean, I dated a few people.

Names, please?

Fabrizio. Renato.

Carmine. Jahni.

Derek.

She said his name.

Der... eek.

His name... came out of... that mouth.

Der... eek.

Der... eek.

Her "Dereek" was my Derek.

But mostly I was lonely.

How sad.

Tell me about one of the early guys.

Oh, say... Derek.

Derek?

It was just a casual kind of thing.

Stacy, let her tell the story. I am. She is.

Go ahead. I was so young.

She was so young. I can hardly remember.

Happens to all of us. It was all superficial.

What isn't these days? Completely about sex.

Completely about...

What? Sex.

Sex. Sex.

But you had problems in bed.

Ira! You don't know that, Ira. Guessing!

Someone needs to chill.

Actually, the bedroom was the only place

we really... connected.

Two, sometimes three times a day.

Funny how your memory just snapped back like that.

Anyways, Derek and I didn't talk much.

I just used him for...

We know. We know. We know.

Pretty amazing.

Experimental.

Wild.

Sounds great. Why did you split?

Oh, same old, same old.

Schedules, travel, temptation.

Uh-huh. He cheated?

No, I did! All the time.

But he stuck around like a lovesick puppy.

Finally, I asked him to go back to his old girlfriend.

She called all the time, begging him, pleading.

She was desperate. Joyce?

How did you know her name? You mentioned it.

She mentioned it! You did.

She did. You did.

I did? Yeah.

Hmm. Mm-hm.

Well, Joyce. He only went back to her out of pity.

I wonder what he's doing now.

Hey, Derek, this is Lulu.

Just thought I'd give you a call

and let you know I was in town...

Cow!

Quietly barfing cow.

And, suddenly, my certain world

didn't seem so certain after all.

Hi, Bob.

Are you hungry? I'm not hungry.

Lulu dangled before me like bait on a wire.

I swallowed it whole.

And then wanted more.

It was time for the past

to meet the present.

Bob, look, a box!

I just need to clean up some stuff.

He told me to.

You know.

I'm just checking things out, you know?

Oh, look, pictures.

So this is hysterical Joyce.

You don't look so desperate.

You look... athletic.

And pretty.

Where was this taken?

New York City Marathon. Okay!

Where you crossed the finish line.

And you were crying.

And so was Derek while he hugs you.

There's so many neat pictures, Bob.

Rachel Keyes.

You are a... podiatrist, I think.

What's with that little minx-like smile?

What?

Can you just not look at me like that, please?

It's making me very uncomfortable.

I'm... There. See?

I'm done. Okay?

And don't judge me! Okay, Bob?

Oh!

Hey, Stacy, it's me. Are you there?

Oh!

Honey... I guess you're out with Bob.

Listen, I left my Palm at home.

I need you to go through it and get me some numbers.

All right, take care.

Palm?

Did you hear that, Bob?

Derek left his Palm at home.

Guess we'll have to look for it.

Oh, if I were a Palm, where would I be?

If we were Palms,

where would we be, Bob?

Where is it?

Where could it be right now?

He asked for it.

Where could it be? Hmm?

Luck is when preparation meets opportunity.

Okay, Bob?

Life's about certainty.

It's about being in control.

Password, password, password. What would his password be?

Thank you.

What?

Go to your bed.

Go to your bed, Bob!

Seconds before opening the metallic case,

I envisioned all the evil flowing into the world.

I was Pandora.

And then I got over it.

Look at that. Joyce works with Kaleidoscope Kitchen.

So? Brand-new place.

You know what that means? It's a new entry in this thing

That place has only been open two, three months.

How would he know that unless they still talk?

That's ridiculous! Ladies.

Hey!

We could give her a little jingle.

"Hello, Joyce...

Moore.

"We're doing research on an upcoming episode,

"'Best Chefs in the Tri-state Area.'

No guarantees, of course, but I was wondering if we could..."

No.

"Spend a little time getting to know you."

Not doing it.

Uh, uh, uh.

Now, how about that doctor he dated? What was her name?

Barb!

You have to admit it's educational.

Look what you learned with Lulu.

What? He didn't cheat.

I never thought he did.

But he told you they had problems in bed.

It turns out the only problems they had in bed

was getting out. Little lie. Harmless.

Unless it's a pattern.

It's not a pattern. How do you know?

Say, hypothetically, you get a dog.

A what? A dog.

Hypothetically.

And you find out his grandfather chased cars.

His father chased cars. Whose father?

The dog's.

In fact, all the males in his line are car-chasers.

Chances are he'll chase cars.

Helpful information you can only get by doing research.

Come on, Leo.

You need to find out.

Is your man a car-chaser? No!

Are you sure?

People are creatures of habit.

Last one. Their behavior is patterned.

After Neil slept with half of Newark,

I found out what everybody else knew:

He'd been doing it for years.

So keep yourself dumb and believe what he tells you

or... Up to you.

God, I hate this. I know.

I hate doubt.

You'll get over it. Now, what' the name of that chiropractor?

Podiatrist. Mmm.

Dr. Rachel Keyes.

Barb? Yeah.

I...

Look, make an appointment, that's all.

See how you feel once you meet her.

If you decide not to do that whole Kippie spiel,

then at least your feet will be happy.

You wanna work with Diane Sawyer?

Mm-hm.

You gotta learn how to do research...

in the field.

Health and Wellness Women's Clinic.

Hold, please.

Look under the hood before you purchase the car.

Thank you for holding. Health and Wellness Women's Clinic.

Ah, yes, I'd like to make an appointment

with Dr. Keyes, please.

She's booked through the month.

Okay, thanks anyway. No cancellations?

Oh, wait, we have one for Thursday morning, 8:45.

I'll take it. Name?

Barb Campbell-hyphen-Dunn.

And what is this regarding, please?

Warts. Plantar warts.

Hurt like hell.

See you Thursday.

Hey, don't let the chickens out!

I was strangely calm

as I waited to meet the woman Derek dated before me.

So calm, in fact, I never questioned the gown

or the need for easy access.

So when was your last period?

My what?

Your menses. I don't understand.

Okay, each month, you might notice a change in your body.

I understand what you mean.

I just don't know why you'd want to know that.

- Barbara Campbell? - Hyphen-Dunn.

Yes. I'm Dr. Keyes.

Hi. Hi.

So, what brings you in here today?

Warts. Warts.

Really painful.

All the time?

Well, mostly when you step on them.

Heels, you know, ouch.

I have a bit of a shoe fetish.

Stilettos. I'm trying to stay away from them. It's my bad.

Well, uh, maybe you can be more specific

as to where the warts are.

You wanna use this mirror?

No, that's not necessary. I'm very flexible.

They're sort of...

deep down.

Just look way deep down inside.

You can't really see them unless you look inside.

Well, maybe not that way.

Why don't you just relax, Barbara?

Okay.

That's a good girl. There you go.

We're just gonna put your feet in these stirrups.

Stirrups?

A gynecologist?

Not a podiatrist?

Ten-to-1 those aren't for the opera.

And we'll have a little look-see.

Look-see? Where?

Oh... Oops!

Someone left their panties on.

Oops.

Just, uh... There you go.

Good girl.

Good!

Comfy?

Well, let's see.

I'm spread-eagle in front of my boyfriend's ex

who's about to go searching for warts.

Super. Thanks.

Barbara, you know what they say, right?

You can never be too rich, too thin

or too far down on the table,

so let's scoot ya! There we go.

Perfect!

I'm going to insert the speculum now.

Oh, good. Narration.

You may feel a bit of pressure.

Ow!

Whoa, would you take a look at that cervix, Nurse Kisilevsky?

Hmm, textbook.

I'm not the first person who's told you that.

Can't hear it enough.

- It was all too horrible. - I had to avert my eyes.

Which made me focus on a sight more horrific.

Midst what seemed like an unusual amount

of Dr. Keyes' beauty shots

stood a picture that jumped out... big.

Dr. Rachel Keyes and Bob?!

Stinky Bob!

Why would she have a picture with him

unless he was hers? Worse, theirs?

I needed to take control... fast!

Dr. Keyes?

I work with the Kippie Kann show.

You would never be interested being on television,

- would you? - Call me Rachel. I started the vitamin company

about a year and a half ago.

It's just taken off. Oh?

And look. Your picture's on it.

I fought them on that.

Sure you did.

So tell me, Rachel,

what did you have to sacrifice to get here?

Relationships? Family? Pets?

I never wanted to settle in order to settle down.

You know what I'm talking about.

Oh, yeah. Back to pets.

I noticed a picture of a dog in the examination room.

So... happy-looking.

Bob.

He's my ex's dog, but I raised him.

He was such a cuddler.

Your ex? The dog.

I could've lobbied to keep him when we split.

But med school by day, the book by night...

You wrote a book?

Here we go. Second printing.

Oh. Take one.

I'll just bill you for it.

It's a play on words.

Keyes to Your Vagina.

Clever.

Oh, and there's that picture again.

So anyways... Bob, is it?

Yeah, he's with Derek, my ex.

But I have visitation rights.

Oh, really?

Sure, the photograph in the exam room

was taken a few weeks ago at a picnic we had.

A picnic? A few weeks ago?

He went on a picnic with this self-obsessed prodigy?

My head was spinning.

Anyway, Barb, good news. Your warts have cleared up.

That's good to know.

Welcome back to "Grandma's a Hooker, So Handle It."

Tell me, Grandma, as a working girl...

- Stand by, mystery guest. - Standing by.

I pull down about five grand a weekend.

Ten if I bring a friend!

What do you say, Kippie?

Wha...? Me?

Talent is in place and ready to go.

Hey.

How'd it go?

I went to third base with his ex.

What? But my warts have cleared up.

She was a gynecologist!

Gyne... Oh!

Mommy, no!

Oh, shut up.

Ira, can you...?

A gynecologist. Yikes.

Oh, no, "yikes" does not even begin

to describe what I experienced today.

Don't screw up.

Turkey sausage. Turkey sausage.

But the small one.

She's an absolute freak of nature.

She's gotta be, like, what, 26, 27?

She's publishing books, she's practicing medicine.

Oh, and did I mention

there's, like, a zillion pictures of her in her office?

Just her? Alone? Uh, yeah.

Oh, and let's not forget the little vitamin company

that's just taken off!

Look at the positive side.

Which is?

He's attracted to extraordinary women.

Beautiful, talented.

Which is why he's with you now.

The only salient information need to know is, did he cheat?

What? No.

She was more in love with herself.

This is good news.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's just that he saw her a few weeks ago.

They picnicked, which is totally fine.

He's completely free to picnic with whomever.

But why wouldn't he mention it?

Maybe...

He forgot? Maybe.

Yeah. Okay.

Who put those damn K's all over the cue cards?

Bob, slow down. You're rocking the Palm.

You are so busted. What?

You're out with another guy, aren't you?

Two foot six, loves the lips, farts a lot.

You giving him a nice walk?

Oh, well, actually,

he's giving me one.

Oh, honey, don't let him do that.

Oh, of course not. No.

Oh!

Feel like we haven't spoken all week.

I feel like we haven't spoken ever.

Bob, slow down!

Been kind of busy here, you know?

Bob, Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob!

We don't live here, Bob!

Come on! No!

"Keyes"?

Keyes?!

As in "Keyes to Your Vagina," Bob?!

Traitor.

Stace? What's going on? Who are you talking to?

Oh, honey, you're not gonna believe this.

You wanna hear something funny?

Bob just dragged me up the steps of a brownstone

just a few blocks away from you.

Who's the boss?! On Malverne.

You think he has a friend in the neighborhood?

Dark-haired genius, about 5'4"?

Stace, he's a dog, okay?

You let him, he's gonna walk all over you.

Wonder where he learned it.

Oh! Honey, I'm sorry.

I've gotta go. Okay, call you from a hard line.

Excuse me!

Sorry.

- Hello. - Who is it?

- Hello? - Who's there?

- Hello. Bob? - Is anybody there?

Bob?

Oh, come on, man.

Stay! You recognize his bark?

- Sit! - And he did.

I'm coming down.

Bob, come on! Shh.

Come on, down here, down here.

Shh, shh. I need you to be very, very quiet.

Bob?

Bob?!

As I squatted,

holding the snout of a dog in love with another woman...

Bob?

I sadly realized I had reached an all-time low.

Bob! Oh, come here, sweetheart.

You little boy.

What are you doing out there, huh?

Huh? Where's your daddy? Let's go call your daddy.

Come on, little pumpkin head.

Ooh!

I ran out on my mani. Where is he?

In there with her.

Number two.

Yes? Hi, it's Stacy Holt.

Don't use my name!

Holtenfrau. What?

The dog-walker. I'm here for Steve.

Bob!

Bob! Come on up. Number two.

Did she have pictures of herself in the apartment?

No. She was very nice. Oh, yeah, thanks.

That makes me feel better.

It's vibrating. Really?

Mm-hm.

What are you doing?

Give me a few minutes.

Oh, stop that!

You know, this little guy could make me very happy.

Okay, now you're officially scaring me.

If it turns into a pizza, I'm getting one.

Take that thing out of your pants.

Oh, wow.

So Joyce has freckles, huh?

All over!

What? And she's not self-conscious.

So many women hide their bodies these days, but not her

How did you get that?

The little camera thing came on against my...

And she, you know... There she is.

Jackpot!

Look at that arrow. Should I press it?

No. Why not?

Okay, yes.

[PRESSES KEY, PALM PILOT CHIMESÑ

Oh, my God. There's so many.

I'm not doing this.

I can't. Okay.

I can't. It's like going through someone's drawers.

Hey, Stace, would you wear a thong...

in front of your boyfriend's parents...

repeatedly?

My boyfriend's parents?

"Mom, Dad, Joyce. Hawaii, '99"?

He doesn't bring girls home, huh?

Oh, look. Christmas '98.

They went to Aspen.

I can't believe this.

He could have a sister named Joyce who he French kisses.

And licks.

Mmm.

Dare you to press the next arrow.

Shit!

How bad? Shit!

Pornographic? It's out of power.

Where are we going?

We're gonna put this baby in a cradle.

Okay. Okay. Come on!

Hurry up, Bob!

I'll be right back.

All systems go!

Okay!

I know.

Because you can.

Would I like to sync?

Kinky.

Entertainment. Absolument.

Here's the thing... No!

No!

You'll thank me. I know.

Jesus!

Wow.

Presenting Joyce Moore and her cheesy music.

Make it stop.

Barbara!

Trying. Trying. Please make it stop.

Oh, great. Now it's frozen.

Hey, if you can do better...

Later. Listen.

Here's the thing.

If you were happy with what you know,

do you deserve an explanation about what you don't?

Mmm. I'm... No.

I mean, hypothetically,

you're in this great relationship with Neil...

That's his name, right?

I was never in a good relationship with Neil.

Hypothetically.

You get married, you have kids.

I mean, you're totally and completely fulfilled.

Then Neil dies...

Where's that dial tone coming from?

I don't know. Tragically? Does he die tragically?

Okay. And then you find out he cheated,

that he had this whole other life.

Now, does that detract from what you two had together?

Does it make it all a lie?

Yes. Why?

Because omissions are betrayals.

Omissions are... Betrayals.

They are betrayals.

Is that your cell?

Mine whistles.

- Hey there. - It's Joyce Moore.

Do the deed after the beep.

What?

The computer called Joyce.

What did you do?! Nothing. I was standing here!

Hey, you got Derek's machine.

You know what to do and when to do it.

Derek, are you there? It's Joyce.

My caller ID said you just phoned.

Why'd you hang up?

I've been waiting for you to call since last week.

What?

Okay, give me a holler.

If I'm not home, try my cell.

By the way, everyone loved your joke.

Bye.

His joke?

What joke?

Derek doesn't joke.

Nobody thinks he's funny.

He's not funny. What does this mean?

I think it means she's not history.

Is it always like this here?

Hey, you got Derek's machine.

You know what to do and when to do it.

Oh, God. It's Derek. He's checking the messages.

He's gonna hear Joyce.

E-e-e-e-e-erase it.

Smash it! Do something! Okay.

How? What am I gonna do?

Kill it! Arggh! I... Okay.

Okay. Get... Ooh!

Derek...

Good! There! Yeah!

Ha!

What?

I've just smashed an answering machine with a hockey stick!

Damn proud of you!

There were numbers on that machine that he needed and I...

I've just smashed it.

I smashed the hell out of it.

God's punishing me.

I hear you, God.

You can stop now.

What has happened to me?

You've discovered truth.

I've discovered a whole other reality.

They all talk. Dr. Keyes and Derek. Joyce and Derek?

Maybe... Maybe they all talk to each other.

Maybe it's just me they don't talk to.

Bottom line is... he's withheld.

I'm gonna find out what's going on.

Good!

Why she was waiting for his call.

Good question.

And if he still sees her,

why don't I know? Better question.

And if he has nothing to hide,

why does he insist on hiding these old relationships?

Want me to write these down?

So I guess I need to know...

what I don't know.

I just need to.

...the new Jerusalem...

Hi, Joyce Moore?

I'm sorry to call so late.

This is Barb Campbell-hyphen- Dunn from the Kippie Kann show

We're doing a segment on chefs

and we'd love to talk to you.

No, I'm not kidding.

Okay.

So I'll call tomorrow and we'll set something up.

I'd love to talk to you.

Bye-bye.

♪ It's asking for the taking ♪

♪ Trembling, shaking ♪

♪ Oh, my heart is aching ♪

♪ We've come to the edge ♪ ♪ Running on the water ♪

♪ Coming through the fog ♪ ♪ Your sons and daughters ♪

♪ Let the river run ♪

♪ Let the river run ♪

♪ Let all the dreamers ♪

♪ Let all the dreamers ♪

♪ Wake the nation ♪

♪ Wake the nation ♪

♪ Come ♪

♪ The new Jerusalem ♪

I'll have a double espresso... Sorry, no.

What?

I live in a basement apartment on Malverne.

You were hiding in my doorway last night, smothering a dog.

I was not smothering him.

It's a little game we play.

Double espresso, please.

You already scare people.

More caffeine will make you a freak.

Are you trying to upset me?

If I do, are you gonna hold my snout?

I'll get the latte and you get a chai iced tea.

We'll switch after.Thanks.

I heard that.

Joyce? Hi.

Hi. You're Barb?

How'd you know it was me?

Lucky guess.

I'll be watching.

You're a jokester.

Yeah.

We have this little thing.

So I've heard amazing things about you,

about the Kaleidoscope.

From? People.

Who've been there. Who know your work.

You have a fan base.

I'm only on two nights a week.

Quality, not quantity. Yes.

So, um, tell me about the show.

I haven't watched for a while,

but doesn't Kippie Kann

do more of the "my wife slept with my sister..."

"And my dad." Ew. Ew.

No, we're trying to revamp the show right now.

So I pitched this idea, which is this cook-off.

This is its research stage where I pretend

that I'm Diane Sawyer asking brilliant questions,

while looking chic.

Well, that's funny.

You know, she was just in the restaurant last week.

Do you want your latte?

No. Who was?

Diane Sawyer.

She was here... in Jersey? Yeah.

The night manager knows her field producer,

so they all came in for this big dinner.

She's really nice.

She is?

Wow.

I have wanted to meet her my whole, entire life.

Then you will.

I believe in destiny, don't you?

I do.

Excuse me. Mm-hm. Yeah.

Coming, coming, coming, coming.

Hey.

Kipp!

I'm just in the middle of an interview.

Okay. Uh, yeah, I'm sorry.

Listen, uh, real quick, then.

My machine at home is screwed up

and I need to get a couple of numbers.

Do you know where my Palm is? Yeah.

Ah, that's great. Okay, I need to get...

Could you look up Rafalski?

Yikes!

Stace? Uh, yeah, yeah.

Can I borrow a pen? Mm-hm.

And a piece of...

Thank you.

Thanks.

Rafalski.

Rafalski.

And Langenbrunner.

And Langenbrunner.

Is that it? That's it.

I love you.

I love you!

You too, Kipp.

Oh, hey, listen.

Before I forget, the password is "Bob."

Gotcha.

All right, bye.

Okay, then.

Can I ask you something totally none of my business?

Were you just talking to Kippie Kann

about Jamie Langenbrunner and Brian Rafalski?

You know them? I wish!

I am the biggest hockey nut this side of Newark.

We're trying to book them on the show.

We're doing a whole recruiting segment.

I'm their hockey gal.

You should meet my ex. He's a scout for the Devils.

Here, give me your Palm and I can beam you his number.

It's frozen.

I can fix it. Mmm, doh.

No. That's so sweet, but thank you.

Okay, well, why don't you just hold down the power button?

Go ahead.

Power button.

And you should hear a...

And fingers crossed...

Fingers crossed.

...it will reset.

Okay.

I cannot believe it.

I can explain.

You have I Spy. That's a brand-new program.

Do you mind?

Having I Spy? No, I don't mind.

Do you mind beaming it to me?

Here, I can... Want me to show you?

Just do this.

This. And...

Voilà!

Voilà, what?

Voilà, now I've got it.

But it's his... Mine.

I want it back, please.

No, we both have it.

You have one and I have its twin.

You've never done it before.

Virgin. Damn proud of it.

You're funny.

So I work next Wednesday.

Why don't you come by for dinner?

I will wow you with my chicken paillard.

How could I refuse?

She had an ease, an openness, and the answers.

She had the answers.

Party!

Uh!

Kippie! Watch it, here! Watch it!

Cut it! Phil, cut it!

Cut it. Reset.

Oh, God, she's coming up.

She's coming up.

Katie!

Take it easy.

Okay!

Seven, eight, nine...

Carl!

What? You were fantastic.

That was very emotional.

Phil?

Yeah, I teared up.

Trust me, no one does midgets like Kippie.

Like you.

But everyone does 'em!

Don't you get it?

I want something fresh, original...

It was his idea.

Ira?

Now she remembers my name.

Can somebody get these midgets out? I'm tripping all over 'em

Here comes the numbers speech.

My numbers go up, your numbers go up.

Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

My success is your success.

Jerry Maguire. Jerry Maguire.

Help Kippie help you!

Mm-hm, mm-hm. That was very moving.

I think we should all take a moment...

Places!

Miserable midgets!

Moment's up.

Places! Stand by, intro.

We're back in one.

We are just about ready

Phil, we're reset.

Okay, stand by, Kippie.

"'Kippie's Kute Kouplings' continues."

Three, two...

Bob, I want you to move in really tight.

Tighter, tighter, tighter, till I tell you to stop.

Yeah. There. Take it.

We've a collection of cute couples to clear things up.

I can't believe this.

What are you so worried about?

Do you think my idea is good? I mean, enough...

For the live show? Yeah.

Absolutely. I'm convinced they'll give it to you.

"Grandma Was a Grandpa Last Week"? Over here.

Why? What do you know?

Not much.

It's just, after staff...

When? Monday.

Today's the big day! I know!

Go on.

I overheard them.

Pardon me? Who? Who?

Uh, Barb, Carl, Kippie.

Kippie? Kippie? Kippie's there?

Yes.

Continue.

Well, they thought

your "Little Black Book" idea was great.

They're right.

I mean, uh... it's my time.

I put in the work. I'm next up for promotion.

It only makes sense.

It only makes sense.

Little black books. Little black books.

Little black books. Little black books.

This season's live show

will be...

Little black books. Little black books.

"Plastic Surgery Nightmares."

Congratulations, Barb. Our newest producer.

Way to go, girl.

Good one.

Now, people. People.

People.

Since we are live,

I'm expecting everybody to pitch in, right?

Right.

Right. Now that's a wrap.

- Katie? - Yes?

Tough luck, Ira.

Sorry, Ira.

Maybe next sweeps.

Sweet.

Naive, but sweet.

Hey.

You wanna go to dinner?

Uh, can't.

I'm on the collection committee

for the Kippie Kann Kan Drive,

the Kippie Kares for Kids Koalition.

Catch you later.

'Kay.

Is he okay?

Uh, he's trying to be.

How about you? Urban legend.

Huh? You said APs never get the live show.

What do I know? Come with me.

I've got a surprise for you.

Carl, here she is.

Stacy...

Kippie liked your idea too.

Yeah.

For the tri-state cook-off!

So if you could ask... What's her name?

Joyce. Joyce.

If we could have it at the... Kaleidoscope Kitchen.

Oh, love the K's.

And Kippie loves cook-offs,

so you get those pre-interviews in

by the end of the week.

Barb, you copilot. Katie.

Carl, can I talk to you about Kippie's fund-raiser?

Was he saying...? Are you saying...?

Congratulations.

My first show!

I mean, it's not a done deal or anything, but...

I mean, at least I'll have

something legitimate to offer Joyce.

This is perfect!

It's perfect! Thank you.

Oh. I'm sorry.

That's okay. It's fine.

I'm smiling.

Now Joyce could bake her cake

and the audience could eat it too.

Get that out to table four.

Make sure they still have wine.

Which somehow made me feel

a little less like the lying scumbag that I was.

And voilà.

And this is for dessert.

What?

What did you do?

Oh! Joyce!

Open it.

"To Barb. I can't wait to... Love, Diane."

I can't believe you!

The night manager got it for you.

It's just a little thing.

Thank you!

You're welcome.

Table 24 left this for you.

Thank you, Gordon.

It's Pat Burns. He's the...

Head coach for the New Jersey Devils. I know.

Right, I forgot. You're the hockey gal.

Oh! Oh, my God!

Tickets for the playoffs?

You're beloved.

Come with me.

They're for tomorrow night.

I mean, if you can.

These are tickets for the Stanley Cup.

You're a crazy girl.

Well, I don't know anyone else who likes hockey.

Except my little brother.

And I'd rather go with you.

And Derek will be there.

I'm s... Who?

My ex.

I told you about him. He works for the Devils.

We'll meet him after the game for a drink.

It's a ritual.

Oh, really?

Oh, my God.

The beautiful people have arrived.

They come every Wednesday night to be seen.

Anyway, I better call the manager

and make sure the camera crew is cleared.

So we're on for the game?

Yeah. Great. Give me a call.

You have my number? Yep.

Okay, good. Oh!

Those are Manolos, you clumsy...

Joyce.

If I were you, I wouldn't finish that statement.

Stacy?

Lulu!

Get a shot of us.

She produces the Kippie Kann show.

Why is she calling you Stacy, Barb?

That's her name.

No, actually, my name is Barb.

The other woman you met's name is Stacy.

No. Yes.

She was Barb. No.

Huh?

What?

Enjoy your meal.

Join us, Stacy-Barb?

Uh-uh.

- Okay, Phillip. - Bring your camera. Follow me.

How do you know her?

We did a show last year on bulimia.

Oh, why am I not surprised?

She does make you want to throw up.

Or at least me.

Sorry. I don't really like her, I guess.

"I guess"?

She used to hang out with my brother,

and I sort of took her under my wing,

until she took Derek from under mine.

He cheated on you with her?

No, we had split up,

but, you know, one day we're talking about getting married

and the next day we're dating other people.

Taking space.

God, I hate that expression, don't you?

Hate it. So then?

So then he starts talking to Lulu,

who totally knows the score,

and then she advises me to see other people.

Hideous.

And she meant nothing to him.

She was a fling.

I mean, he wanted us to get back together,

but, in a way, we're just closer being friends.

You are? Good.

You are. We are.

And if not, there's always the boomerangs.

The boomerangs.

Yeah, you know the kind.

You throw them out there into the world...

And they always come back to you.

Yeah, that's right.

He bought us each one,

and we promised never to throw them away,

So no matter what happened,

if we needed to, or wanted to,

then we could still end up...

Together.

Anyway, whatever.

Blech!

Why were we talking about this?

Um, you know,

he probably wouldn't even remember the story,

never mind the boomerangs,

and then there's me,

the romantic sap, who still has hers.

Ahem. Framed.

In the bedroom.

Hm.

How stupid is that?

Not stupid.

It's just a waste of energy.

There's so many other interesting guys

out there for you.

Joyce, you're gonna meet the right person.

Watch.

Or I could end up with Derek.

Wouldn't that be funny?

Right now I'm not rushing into anything or anyone.

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice...

Shame on me.

Exactly.

Something about the way she believed she might get

him back made me believe it too.

Makes me feel sad For the rest

Nobody does it

Half as good as you

Baby, you're the best

I wasn't looking

But somehow you found me

I tried to hide From your love light

But like heaven above me

This guy who loved me...

Thanks, pal.

Is keeping all my secrets Safe tonight

Nobody does it better

Though sometimes I wish someone could

Nobody does it

Quite the way you do

Why'd you have

To be so good?

Hey.

I'm home.

Hey, Bob, how you doing? Come here, buddy. Come here.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Hey.

Hey.

I heard you from downstairs.

You did? Yeah.

Oh, yikes, was I that loud?

No, you sounded great.

Kind of sad, though. Everything okay?

Yeah. Hm?

You know, work issues, but I'm fine.

You're home early.

Well, you say that like that's a bad thing.

No! No, no, no, no, no.

I just didn't expect you, that's all.

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm! Mm!

What happened to the other guy?

A... mouse.

A mouse did this? Yeah.

Uh, no.

There was a mouse, and, um...

You know, Bob freaked,

and, uh, forget about it.

A mouse scared Bob?

Went crazy. You wouldn't believe it.

I mean, he chased him onto the answering machine, where..

Where...

Where the mouse just, like, taunted and taunted Bob.

So I ran and I got your stick.

Your hockey stick. Oh, yeah.

And then just smashed it.

You smashed a mouse?

Yeah!

No!

Like I would smash a mouse!

He got away, but I scared him good.

I don't think he'll be coming back anytime soon.

Did he carry my box down too?

Ha! That's very funny.

Yeah. No.

I did.

I was looking for another phone.

Which you found,

in a closed box marked "personal stuff."

Um, no offense, Derek,

but you're not exactly Mr. Organized.

You're a mess.

All right, all right.

Don't go criticizing homey. Homey just got home.

Yo, I was defending your dog, yo.

Well, thank you.

Who gets very sad when you're away.

Hmm.

Very needy.

Oh, yeah?

He missed you.

He the only one?

No, Joyce missed you too Hmm.

So you want to know why I'm home early?

I'm seeing Robbie Moore's parents tomorrow.

That means you're close.

Bringing the contract.

Wait, wait. Tomorrow's the playoffs.

Yeah. You're not gonna go?

No.

If I don't close this kid tomorrow,

Terry Curtin's gonna swoop in and sign him.

I can't miss the opportunity.

You know what? I'm doing this for both of us.

I'm sorry, Bob. All of us.

I felt like a lying sack of fertilizer,

knowing what I knew and not knowing what I didn't,

and knowing more than anything that I had to know... more.

She called all the time, begging him, pleading.

Pathetic.

He played me the messages on the machine.

They were hysterical. She was desperate.

One angry chef, coming up.

I can't show her that.

I'd be purposely hurting a friend.

Knowledge is a terrible and a marvelous thing.

It just depends on your perspective.

Think of it this way.

If she knew who you really were, she'd hate you.

Can you blame her?

And Stace?

She's not your friend.

Have fun at the game.

O'er the land

Of the free

And the home of the brave

Hi.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I was in the middle of a crisis with Derek.

I'm helping him out with something.

Doesn't he have someone else to help,

like a girlfriend?

Probably a bunch.

But... Ohh!

You know, we agreed not to discuss anyone,

you know, who we date,

unless one of us was serious,

then we have to, but he's not, and I'm not,

so why torture each other?

You know, it's just...

It's too painful for both of us, you know?

Sorry. That's my cell.

Hello?

Hey. I was just talking about you.

Derek.

Ah!

Um, uh-huh. Uh-huh.

So, what happened?

You might think it odd that I didn't strangle her

as I watched her flirt and coo with my man.

But... I didn't.

I was strangely drawn to their banter.

Really? Uh-huh.

Curious about this part of his life

that I had been completely dumb to just a

few days earlier

They had a past.

Oh, they scored. Listen. They had a present...

separate from me.

Can you hear?

Whoo!

She didn't know he had a girlfriend, but...

she didn't want to.

Suddenly, I knew what I had to do.

Finally I asked him

to go back to his old girlfriend.

She called all the time, begging him, pleading.

She was desperate.

Joyce?

How'd you know her name?

- You mentioned it. - She mentioned it.

- You did. - She did.

I did? Hm.

Well, yes, Joyce.

He only went back to her out of pity.

Barb was right.

As soon as Joyce realized that he'd lied to her about Lulu,

she'd never forgive him.

Which was, after all, what I'd wanted.

So why did I feel so bad?

I shouldn't have shown you that.

No, I appreciate it. Really.

It's just so... bad, you know.

I probably did call him a few times when he was with her,

but I was upset.

I wouldn't characterize It as being hysterical or pathetic.

But for her to know that I called

means that he told her.

Even if she didn't hear it, she knew,

and that's just so bad.

Joyce, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

He's in there.

Where?

Right there,

with the orange sweater

and the stupid haircut.

It is stupid.

Yeah.

We stood there,

both of us sadly in love with the same man.

Both of us feeling let down by him.

Where are you going?

I'm going home.

I'll see you tomorrow for the pre-interview, okay?

Good night, Barb.

Wait. Joyce?

Wait.

Please, wait.

Uh, that tape...

The Lulu...

You know what? It's not about the tape.

It's just...

Talking to you lately and seeing Lulu,

all that stuff just brought up such bad memories.

And who am I trying to kid, you know?

A clean break is easier.

You can reset it, and it heals, and you move on.

But if you leave things messy or things don't get put right,

then it just hurts.

Forever.

Yeah, I'm... all right.

It's really time for me to move away from him.

From all this.

I don't even know who he is anymore.

I should have felt happier at that moment.

I had won.

But the cost was high, and the victory hollow.

I had taken a good friend from someone I loved.

And nothing about that felt right.

We have no secrets

We tell each other Everything

About the lovers In our past

I needed a reality check.

I needed Mom.

But she was out, so I settled for Carly.

From A to Z

We know each other's Fantasies

And though We know each other better

When we explore...

The line between right and wrong had blurred.

In my search for truth, I had become the lie.

Often I wish

Perhaps some secrets should remain secret.

That I never knew

Some of those Secrets of yours

Some of those secrets Of yours

Okay, you guys are not that bright.

- Can I have an amen? - Amen!

Oh, my gosh. Oh, don't go...

Oh! Girl, mm-mm. Don't go there.

Is everything okay?

Wow.

It's great. Yeah. Yeah.

That makes one of us.

What's the matter?

I'm not feeling so, uh...

you know, good.

You can't go home.

I mean, I need you.

Today's my show.

I'm a nervous wreck. We're live.

Oh, my God! I totally forgot.

Of course I'll be here.

Wouldn't miss it for the world.

You are so beautiful, like a real producer.

Hello. Headset.

And there was something I needed to tell you.

What was it? Cue Kippie.

Oh, right. We're live.

There she is!

Yikes! Showtime.

Watch this thing.

Great to see you.

Hey!

Welcome to Kippie Kann Live.

Watch this ladder. Thanks.

I need a running order.

A very special live show.

Who's on first? You.

What? It's for you.

What is? Everything.

Let's see who's at Kippie's door.

Just go with it.

Stacy! Oh, come on out!

- Stop at the green X. - Too far.

That's right, Stacy.

Make yourself comfortable.

You look a little confused.

What's going on, girl?

Do you know what the name of today's show is, Stacy?

"Plastic Surgery Nightmares"?

We're on three. Stand by, camera two.

No, actually it's called "Little Black Book."

Let's fill our audience in on some recent history.

Stacy's a new member of our staff

who's been using the resources here

to do her own personal research

on her boyfriend, Derek...

...and three of his ex-girlfriends.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

She went through his little black electronic book

found his ex-girlfriends, I don't believe this.

called them up and interviewed them

under the guise of being a guest on our show.

That's my idea. That's my idea.

Wow, man, too bad.

Barb's upstairs, in case you want to kill her.

But not for the reasons they thought.

Take, for example, supermodel Lulu Fritz.

Simply irresistible

Hello! Bonjour.

Simply irresistible

Welcome to Kippie Kann Live.

You used us. You took my idea, and you set her up.

Is this a clip from your documentary?

How can you just stand there?

Camera two, Phil. You stole my idea!

- It's poetry. - You stole it.

I'll share credit.

Ira, there's a bigger thing happening here.

I mean, just watch. God!

Are you watching?

It was all superficial. Completely about sex.

I'd have to say, "No, that's not from my documentary."

That's right, Lulu.

It's all a ruse.

A flower?

A ruse. A joke.

How can you do this?

This woman, Stacy Holt, a member of our staff,

got you here under false pretenses.

Her name's Barbara.

No, the woman producing this segment is Barbara.

The woman beside you is actually the current

girlfriend of the man you once dated.

Stephen?

Derek.

Camera five, doorbell.

Oh!

Another woman scorned,

and she doesn't even know it yet.

Come in, Dr. Keyes!

Doctor, doctor, Give me the news

I've got a bad case...

Drama, pathos, life unfolding.

It's good. It's Greek.

Go to three, Phil. Camera three, go.

Dr. Keyes, you're a gynecologist.

This woman posed as a patient

to obtain personal information on her boyfriend

whom you once dated.

But I examined her.

Well, that was all a setup.

Even the warts?

No, it was a joke. There were none.

Ever.

Ah! The apex. Joyce.

She thinks she's doing pre-interview for a cook-off.

That's what you told her, right, Stace?

Come in, Joyce.

Bring home the bacon

Welcome to Kippie Kann Live.

Here comes the tough part.

You can do it.

Welcome.

What's with the audience and all these...?

Lulu?

Oh, that's right.

You two go way back, but what about you two?

Barb?

Stacy! No, actually that's Stacy,

Derek's current girlfriend.

What?

Oh!

No cook-off today.

You lied to me?

After everything I told you, you lied?

Just like she did.

Are you referring to me?

Shut up! What did you say?!

Ladies, please.

Let's fill the audience in, shall we?

We sent our own Kippie Kann crew to the

Kaleidoscope Kitchen posing as a crew for 48 Hours.

Then that was all a rose too?

Ruse, yeah. Roll it.

Why is she calling you Stacy, Barb?

Because that's her name.

No, actually, my name is Barb.

The other woman you met's name was Stacy.

No, she was Barb.

- No. - Huh?

- What? - Stimulating as ever.

I'd say it's nice to see you, but then I'd be lying.

Enjoy your meal.

Aha!

I got sick that night, and not on purpose!

Stay put for more surprises

when "Little Black Book" continues.

- Hey, lady. Ladies. - Stay in your seat.

Okay, we're still live.

I'm sorry...

Don't... Don't say another word.

You wanted me to hate him?

Mission accomplished. I do.

But as bad as he is...

he is still too good for you.

Now, if you could please just have a seat.

No, this is completely unacceptable.

I will sue this entire show for defamation of character.

This is America and you are welcome to sue anyone.

But that release you signed is ironclad.

I was told we'd be discussing sexually transmitted diseases.

Sexually transmitted diseases?

Ooh, that's an idea.

Ninety seconds to air.

Ninety seconds!

I love it live.

You stoop to conquer. Yeah, I stoop.

We all do. I mean, look at where we work.

We march thousands of Stacys through here every year.

We uncover their secrets, we spare no feelings.

But today, suddenly, you get a conscience

because you know one personally.

You're unethical! You're a hypocrite.

I'm a hypocrite?! Which is fine, really.

Because this show is based on hypocrisy.

You wanna call me unethical? Okay!

But don't you judge me and then worship Kippie

for doing the same duplicitous thing.

We're all swimming in the same cesspool!

We work in reality TV, Ira!

This is reality!

Forty-five seconds to air, Phil.

She is a giver!

And she's such a giver, that each one of you...

Ira?

...have a Kippie Kann Live cap for each one of you.

Kippie's a giver!

I've gotta get to the control room.

Carl, you wanna handle this? Got it... Got it covered here.

Thanks. You're all in on this?

Everyone knew?!

There is no conspiracy here, sweetheart.

Just a good idea for sweeps.

Now, you can fight it... It seems kind of pointless.

Lame. Really stupid.

Or you could become a part of something bigger,

something completely different.

Now, of course, I cannot "mmm" right now.

But trust me. Gonna be big. Huge. It's giant.

I'm talking about a real show here, Stacy.

Changing formats, breaking the fourth wall,

and the fifth.

Kamikaze television,

without restriction, without hesitation...

without Kippie.

It's a pretty exciting time to be on the ground floor.

Thanks, Carl.

But being that low doesn't interest me.

Don't fool yourself, kiddo.

What you did was lower than anything I've ever done.

By the way, if you leave now, I will sue you for fraud.

Oh, come on.

It's your 15 minutes. It's not so bad.

It's my life! It'll be over soon.

Here we go.

I meant the show.

Five, four, three, two...

Welcome back to Kippie Kann Live

and "Little Black Book."

I think it's time to bring out the man of the hour.

What do you say, audience?

Yeah!

Are you ready for Derek?

Oh, yeah!

Derek, Derek, Derek...

Roll scream, roll doorbell.

Derek, come on out!

Tainted love... What the...?

Derek thought he was coming to attend

a surprise promotion party for Stacy.

Derek, you're in for it now!

Lulu?

Rachel? Joyce?

- What the hell's going on? - Everybody's here.

What are you guys doing here?

- You can do it. - Wanna tell him, Stace?

Or shall I?

Yes!

I wanna tell him.

I'll do it.

God.

What's going on?

they're all here because of me.

They're all here because of me.

See...

after I heard about you and Lulu...

I interviewed her. You did what?

You know! Look under the hood first. She's Lulu Fritz!

Thank you.

Anyways, when we got around to the sex question...

What a minute. You're not serious.

She said that you guys did it like two, three times a day.

Whoo!

It's funny, huh? I mean, why would she lie like that?

What are you doing? Purging.

You can go next.

Then I went to Rachel.

I mean, I wanted to go straight to Joyce,

but I couldn't. Not right away.

So I made up this story about warts

and went to Rachel, who I thought was a podiatrist.

But it turns out, oops, joke's on me.

Okay, you know what?

You can just shut the cameras off,

because this is never gonna air.

We're live... in 70 markets.

Hi, Mom.

Then Barb and I were browsing your Palm.

Barb who?

Barbara Campbell-hyphen-Dunn,

who sold me out for this show.

Just like Carl's selling Kippie out.

I mean, at least, isn't that what you told me?

Yes, yes, that's it. Turn the tables on us all.

That's real. It's honest. Phillip.

Yeah? Get Carl.

Jay, get me... Get me a shot to Carl.

What is she doing? What are you doing?

Regurgitating.

Something sexy just for you, Carl.

Who's Carl? Stage left, crooked toupee.

- Phillip, on four. - Camera four, go.

Get that camera off of me.

Phil? We can't do this to him.

You hold that shot. Split the screen. Split the screen, Phil

Good. Kippie, did you know

that sometimes Carl comes in really close

so that America can see

that tape you wear on your face right there? Mm-hm.

Then he edits it out of the copy he gives to you.

Back to Carl now. And those tabloid leaks? Well.

Nice. Really nice.

You're burying Carl.

I'm burying him.

Carl, you, me, we're all going down.

Go to commercial.

No commercial!

I'm still running things. Stay with me, Phil!

Not you. You'll get promoted.

I'm out of here.

I can't top this.

Anyway, Barb and I were playing

with your Palm and we stumbled across

a lovely montage of Joyce.

And your folks.

On holiday.

Which is really odd because you never bring girls home.

I don't!

You brought her.

Well... She's different.

Oh...

Why?

Yeah, man.

Yeah, why?!

- Tell us! - Tell her.

You know what? I'm not doing this.

Why?

You wanna get out of my way?

Is she better? For you?

Ha!

I guess so.

Maybe I always knew it.

Maybe that's why I had to meet her.

And when I did, I understood, because I liked her too.

I liked you so much.

I want you to know that. Not... Not in a weird kind of way.

But in a way that I thought,

"Maybe, in some alternate universe, we could be friends.

And then, yesterday, you told me

you were schmoozing up some new recruit.

And the whole time you're schmoozing up Joyce?

No! Joyce's brother!

Robbie Moore, the recruit. It's Joyce's brother!

Joyce hooked us up because she's trying to help me out.

Then why wouldn't you have just told me that straight up?

Why lie? I never lied to you!

Omission is betrayal.

- Yes! - Oh, okay.

Now you're gonna tell me about betrayal?

What the hell do you call this?

I would never do this to you... ever!

No?

Then answer me this.

If we shared our lives together...

why didn't we share our lives?

You shouldn't have to tell me everything, Derek.

But why wouldn't you want to?

Unless there's somebody else you're waiting for.

Someone who isn't afraid to say

"The past isn't past, Derek. "Or, "I really wanna meet

your folks Or, "I really, really hate hockey."

You do?

Oh, to the bottom of the ninth.

That's, uh... That's baseball.

Okay. You see that?

I was just too afraid to be honest with you, with myself,

because...

if I was really honest,

gut-wrenching honest...

then I'd have to admit...

that... we weren't right the way you guys are.

Were we?

There's your show, Kippie.

"My Boyfriend Belongs With His Ex,

and I Just Figured It Out."

Sue me, Carl!

Listen.

I'm fully aware that you may never speak to me again.

And I understand. I do.

But before you leave, I want you to know

that this thing, this whole idea,

wasn't planned out, it was not premeditated.

It presented itself.

And then I guided it into this... event.

Now, granted, it was dramatic, it was extreme...

but you dove

head-on into the muck

and came out with this masterpiece.

And I hope, one day, you can understand...

that you got what you wanted, Stace.

Your life back.

I should tear your eyes out right now.

But how will you ever be able

to look at yourself in the morning?

Oops.

Looks like we have an audience.

Stay put.

Kippie Kann Live and "Little Black Book"

will be back after these words.

Move it, will ya?!

The question:

How does a girl who jumps into a rabbit hole,

plummeting into chaos,

come out unchanged?

The answer?

She doesn't.

No, you can't be closed now!

Oh.

Stacy?

Stacy Holt? It's Bean.

King. Bean King from college.

Bean?

Bean, what are you doing here?

Uh, inventory. We... We just finished.

Bean There is yours?

Yeah. The coffee place?

I come here all the time. Of course it's yours.

Wow.

This all makes sense in some cosmic way.

Ha!

I get it! I get it.

This must sound crazy to you.

It's just...

I have spent a lifetime preparing for a lifetime

and I was beginning to think it all went wrong somehow.

But maybe you're the reason, Bean.

For...?

Everything.

Maybe you're the plan I was supposed to hang on to.

Bean?

The 8:00 was sold out. Should I try the 10:20?

Uh, yeah. Yeah, sure, honey.

I'll be right there.

Um, that's my wife.

Colleen.

You should come meet her.

Love to.

But I just gotta go jump in the river now.

Oh, hey, come on, now.

Every plan I had for my life went so unbelievably wrong.

John Lennon said,

"Life happens when you're busy making other plans."

Then he got shot. Right.

You just gotta live.

Stop planning your moves. Let them happen.

I mean, you might be surprised.

Do you believe in happy endings, Bean?

Yeah. Yeah, I think so.

How...? How about you?

I do.

Isn't that funny?

I still do, with all my heart.

Even when the girl doesn't get the guy in the end.

Or, in my case, both guys.

Well, that's amazing. Congratulations.

Thanks.

You go find your happy ending, Stacy Holt.

And, uh, thanks for the continuing patronage.

By fall, I was ready to try again.

A little bruised, a little humbled,

and, hopefully, a little smarter.

I believe we write our own stories.

And each time we think we know the end...

we don't.

Perhaps luck exists somewhere between the world of planning,

the world of chance,

and in the peace that comes from knowing

that you just can't know it all.

You know, life's funny that way.

Once you look over the wheel,

you might end up...

right where you belong.

Wow, that is such an amazing story.

I mean, you went through all of that

and here you are.

I can do this job, Jane.

I've been preparing my whole life.

It's too bad Diane's gone.

She is?

On assignment.

She'll be back next week.

Oh.

But... before she left,

she told me, "If you find someone great for this job,

"I mean, perfect,

don't let them go."

Welcome aboard, Stacy.

You mean...?

I got the job?

You got the job.

Congratulations.

Stay here. I'll go check Diane's calendar.

Thank you.

Hello, Mama.

I got the job!

You got the job!

You got the job! She got the job!

I got the job! I got the job!

She got the job!

It's amazing, amazing, amazing!

I knew it! I knew it!

What could be better than this?

I mean, Mama, what could be better?

Are you Jane?

I'm Carly Simon. I'm here for the pre-tape.

Jane!

Jane? Jane?!

Jane, are you okay?

- Are you okay? - Hello? Stacy?

Honey?

Honey, are you there?

Hello?

Hi, I've just come into the studio

and I think your friend fainted.

She fainted? Oh, my God.

Who is this? My name is Carly Simon.

I'm just here to meet with Jane.

Oh.

And I, uh...

Oh, I think she's coming round again,

so I'm gonna give her the phone.

Hello?

Mama?

Hmm, gone.

Are you really Carly Simon?

Yeah, yeah, I just... I can't...

I can't believe this.

You just really made my life. Are you really Jane?

My name is Stacy Holt. Stacy.

I just got a job here. Please don't tell Diane that I fainted

You really are Carly Simon? You really are okay?

This is the most... Yes, thank you!

I'm so mortified! I hug people when I'm embarrassed.

This is... So do I.

I'm so nervous. I do exactly the same thing!

I think this is just about the greatest day

of my whole entire life.

Thank you. Thank you so much!

I love you!

♪ Let the river run ♪

♪ Let the river run ♪

♪ Let all the dreamers ♪

♪ Let all the dreamers ♪

♪ Wake the nation ♪

♪ Wake the nation ♪

♪ Come ♪

♪ The New Jerusalem ♪

♪ Why'd you tell me this? ♪

♪ Were you looking ♪ ♪ For my reaction? ♪

♪ What do you need to know? ♪

♪ Don't you know ♪ ♪ I'll always be your girl? ♪

♪ You don't have to prove To me ♪

♪ You're beautiful To strangers ♪

♪ I've got loving eyes ♪

♪ Of my own ♪

♪ You belong to me ♪

♪ Tell her, tell her ♪ ♪ You were foolin' ♪

♪ You belong to me ♪

♪ You don't even know her ♪

♪ You belong to me ♪

♪ Tell her that I love you ♪

♪ You belong to me ♪

♪ You belong to me ♪

♪ Can it be, honey ♪

♪ That you're not sure? ♪

♪ You belong to me ♪

♪ Thought we'd closed the book ♪

♪ Locked the door ♪

♪ You don't have to prove To me ♪

♪ That you're beautiful ♪ ♪ To strangers ♪

♪ I've got loving eyes ♪

♪ Of my own, of my own ♪

♪ And I can tell, ♪ ♪ I can tell, darling ♪

♪ Tell her ♪

♪ You belong to me ♪

♪ Tell her that I love you ♪

♪ You belong to me ♪

♪ You belong, you belong, ♪ ♪ You belong to me ♪

♪ You belong to me ♪

♪ Tell her you were foolin' ♪

♪ You belong to me ♪

♪ Tell her She don't even know you ♪

♪ Tell her ♪

♪ You belong to me ♪

♪ Tell her you were foolin' ♪

♪ You belong to me ♪

♪ I've known you ♪ ♪ From a long time ago, baby ♪

♪ You belong to me ♪

♪ Don't leave me To go to her now ♪

♪ You belong to me ♪

♪ You belong to me ♪

♪ You belong to me ♪

♪ Baby, I really love you ♪

♪ You belong to me ♪

♪ Tell her, tell her ♪ ♪ Tell her she don't know you ♪

♪ You belong to me ♪

♪ You belong to me ♪

♪ You belong to me ♪

♪ You belong to me ♪

♪ 'Cause you belong to me ♪

♪ You belong to me ♪

♪ You belong to me ♪

♪ You belong ♪

♪ You belong, you belong to me ♪

♪ You belong to me ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Oh, babe ♪

♪ You belong to me ♪

♪ You belong, you belong ♪ ♪ You belong to me ♪

♪ You belong to me ♪

♪ Oh, oh, no ♪

♪ Oh, no, baby ♪

♪ You belong to me ♪

♪ I'm telling her, darling ♪ ♪ I love you so ♪

♪ You belong to me ♪

♪ You belong to me ♪

♪ You belong to me ♪