Original subtitles

[ Rock music plays ]

[ Cellphone blips ] [ Door opens ]

♪♪

[ Moaning ]

♪♪

[ Cellphones blipping ]

[ Cellphones clicking ]

[ Blipping continues ]

[ Tattoo gun buzzing ]

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

♪♪

[ Blipping continues ]

♪♪

[ Record scratches ]

[ Choir vocalizing ]

♪♪

[ Cellphone dings ]

Derek!

[ Cellphone chimes ]

[ Groans loudly ] Not now, Beyoncé!

♪♪

♪♪

I got ghosted again!

Why is it so hard to find a guy who won't leave?

Trust me, one day you'll find your perfect match.

I did! [ Door opens ]

-We got a street couch! -Oh, hell no!

We agreed -- no more garbage furniture!

[ Whining ] But I want it.

Oh, we got that savings account you wanted...

But we needed that!

[ Exhales sharply ] Fine.

Yes! Excuse us, ladies.

[ Josh and Alex laugh ]

I can't believe we carried it 15 blocks!

It's gonna feel so good to sit on it.

Ho-ho, man. Okay, here we go.

Gotta get this right. Gotta get this right. Gotta warm up my cheeks.

Just like puttin' a fish in a fishbowl, you know what I'm saying.

Guys, can you please tone it down a little.

Bridgette just got ghosted.

[ Wailing loudly ]

Ooooh, sorry.

You know what might help? [ Laughs nervously ]

The healing properties of a comfy street couch.

Whoa! -[ Sobbing ] [ Springs slam ]

Oh, actually, I was thinking we could all sit on it right now.

[ Bridgette wailing loudly ] Ohhh, noooo!

I-I-I-It's cool. I can wait.

[ Crickets chirping ]

[ Exhales heavily ]

You all look like you're going to ghost me, too.

[ Sighs heavily ]

Beautiful mademoiselle, why so sad?

[ Screams ]

Forgive me, mon chérie.

I've not properly introduced myself.

My name is Henri Dubois Moureau V.

My father was the Duc D'Orléans.

Um, I'm -- I'm Bridgette. Uh...

My father is a pharmacist.

Well, he must be the king of the pharmacists

because he raised a princess, hmm?

[ Moaning chuckle ] Oh! [ Giggles ]

Okay, everything about this is working for me.

But, you're, like, dead, right? What's that all about?

Henri: I was once France's premier furniture designer... [ Harpsichord playing ]

[ Crowd gasps ]

...and it's greatest bachelor.

♪♪

I made love to beautiful women,

and in return, they made love back to me.

[ Woman ohh's ]

But I was unfaithful.

[ Moaning ] Ohh. Oh! Oh!

And some became jealous. [ Screams ]

[ Scythe shinks ]

I died on this very couch.

So you're tied to this couch forever?

Until I complete my unfinished business,

whatever that may be.

And you, why is it that my couch

is stained with your tears?

Oh, I was sad because guys keep ghosting me.

No offense. Ghosting?

What is this "ghosting?"

It's when a guy dumps you without telling you and vanishes.

This is, how you say, outrage!

I would never ghost you, sweet Bridgette.

Oh, really?

So, um...[chuckles] what are you doing later?

[ Crowd cheers ]

[ Crowd gasps ]

[ Smooches ]

♪♪

♪♪

[ Riders screaming ] [ Camera shutter clicks ]

♪♪

♪♪

Your new boyfriend seems awesome.

Henri and I have so much in common.

He also hates fake bitches.

-Excuse me, Candice. -I've heard worse.

Well, I'm glad you found someone.

Ok, just to be clear, this is not a relationship.

This is a haunting.

I knew you were gonna be like this.

You don't like him because he's French.

It ain't helping, but it's mostly because he's dead.

I mean how are you even gonna have sex?

Wouldn't you like to know?

♪ Whoa... ♪

[ Knock on door ] Come in.

[ Door opens ] ♪ My love ♪

Thank you for agreeing to be our vessel, Randy.

Anything for a friend-slash-tenant.

Let's do this. ♪ I've hungered for ♪

♪ Your touch ♪

♪ A long ♪

♪ Lonely time ♪

Mmm.

[ Both moaning ] Ooh.

[ Randy shouting rhythmically ] ♪ And time ♪

♪ Goes by ♪ [ Shouting continues ]

[ Screaming ]

♪ So slowly ] Did she move the couch in there?

I haven't had a chance to sit on it yet.

♪ And time ♪ Do...not...go in there!

[ Sobbing ] ♪ Can do so much ♪

♪ Are you ♪

[ Snoring ]

[ Grunting ] [ Humming sleepily ]

[ Coughs ] Ew, gross. [ Murmuring in sleep ]

Gross. [ Grunts ]

Ew.

Bonjour, mon chéri. [ Chuckles ]

What a beautiful morning

after such a beautiful evening of love-make.

Yeaaah, it was...great. [ Chuckles ]

I'm just used to sleeping alone.

Well, you will never have to again.

Uh, I need to go in here.

Pardon, is everything alright?

Yeah, it's fine. Great.

♪♪

Did I say you could leave a toothbrush in here?

[ Chuckles ] No, but, uh, I, um,

how you say, assumed,

uh, since we live together.

[ Humming ]

You knew the word was "assumed."

[ Door slams ]

Bridgette, I apologize if I've done anything to offend. [ Harpsichord playing ]

I -- I hope you can forgive me.

Yeah, gross. I'm not really into chocolate.

[ Door closes ]

[ Cellphone clicking ] Bridgette...

[ Couch scraping ] ...I have a beautiful surprise

for a beautiful lady.

Greeeaaat. More dead things.

[ Harpsichord continues ]

Bridgette, I have expressed my passion for you

through the medium of painting.

I've also written an opera about your face.

Uh-huh. [ Sighs deeply ]

I guess it does not matter. [ Chuckles ]

Nothing I do seems to matter. [ Monotone ] What do you mean?

You're the best... Yay...

Is that why you put up zis?!

What? It's my favorite movie.

[ Cries ] Why have you grown so cold?

[ Cellphone ringing ] Ooh, sorry. I'm getting a call.

Ah, zere it is! Classic Bridgette.

Zings get le tough and you le run away

to ze fake phone call!

[ Whispering ] Shh! You're being a dick!

Yes, I do have time for a survey.

Ah! Bridgette!

You are tearing me apart!

[ Ughs ] Whatever. Like I don't have three more.

No, no, no. You're not going anywhere

until you tell me why you are so upset with me.

Hey guys, is it cool if I sit on the...

[ Indistinct arguing ]

Aw, man... Upset?

How could I be upset about a dead guy who's chained to a couch and can never leave?!

Is zat what you wish?

You wish I could, uh, ghost you?

Please! You're being ridiculous!

Why would I want a guy...

to ghost...me?

Hey, I was thinking, maybe I could leave

a toothbrush at your place?

Yuck. Take me to Wetzel's

and don't embarrass me.

[ Whispering ] Psst, I bought a toothbrush to leave at your place.

[ Gasps ]

[ Straining ]

Bridgette, I have something I want to keep at your place.

What -- What are y--

Bridgette, I love you!

Oh, shit. I'm the dick.

So, I'm sorry for how I behaved.

You know how women are conditioned to be

non-confrontational with guys

so they don't get murdered or locked in a basement?

Oui, of course.

I've realized that's why I sabotage relationships

when I just want them to be over.

Instead of just breaking things off,

I force guys to ghost me.

So, you want to break things off avec moi?

You are a really, really great ghost.

And if I was ready, or if you were alive,

maybe this would be different.

[ Sighs ] I understand. You do?

Are you sure you don't want to yell at me

in the back of an Uber or something?

No, no, no. I am done disrespecting women.

When I was among ze living, I was a cad, a cheat.

I hurt every woman I ever loved, and it killed me.

Hurt people...hurt people. Ohh...

I don't want to hurt you.

Nor I you.

I want you to be happy. [ Crying chuckles ]

I can't believe how mature this breakup is.

[ Whooshing ]

Mon dieu!

What's happening?

My unfinished business!

I must have needed to have a healthy breakup!

Or to make love to a woman

by possessing a shirtless man's body.

Either way, farewell, sweet Bridgette of House Pharmacist!

Goodbye, Henri!

Thanks for not freaking out when I broke up with you!

No, I broke up with you!

I broke up with him.

Couch? No! No!

[ Sobbing ] No! Oh, God...

I never got to sit on you...

[ T-Rex roars ]

Teller: Next customer, please.

You excited to open your very first savings account?

Yeah! Coin purses are for kids.

[ Explosion ]

[ Crowd screaming ]

[ Metal shinks ] [ Screaming ]

[ Roaring ] [ Screaming continues ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Bones rattle ]

-[ Growls ] -[ Screams ]

What do I do? What do I do?

Run!

Josh?

♪♪

Here at First Bank of Hollywood,

our interest rates are out-of-this-world!

[ Camera shutter clicking ]

♪♪

Wow, ha, guess you, uh, would expect high-production values

from Bank of Hollywood, huh?

You know what we didn't expect?

For you to bail on your family!

Hey, Earthling. Here's a free coin purse.

We also have super-low interest rates on our divorce loans.

Here's my card.

[ Gagging ]

♪♪

♪♪

Of course I want to be the kind of guy

who'll protect his family if shit goes down.

You wanna be John McClane. Exactly.

But when it comes to "fight or flight,"

my body just always picks flight.

So... More of a John McLame?

Nailed it. -Haha, points!

You hush up, Randy!

Not everyone's born brave.

Shoot, at the police academy, we'd have recruits

come in all jumpy as hell, scared of their own peckers.

Oh, we called handguns "peckers."

Penises we called "shotguns,"

and shotguns we called "long dongs."

Anyway, with my training

I'd built 'em up into tough-ass L.A. cops.

Wait, Pearle, could you do that for me?

Train me to be brave when my family's in danger?

Pearle? [ Both shout ]

[ Thuds ] We've already begun.

[ Chuckling ] Oh, man. This is gonna be so sweet.

[ Dog growling, barking ]

[ Screaming ] Oh! Oh, nooo!

Randy? Woof, woof!

[ Panting ]

Tastes like fear!

Lesson Number One: Danger's gonna come at you

from every direction.

Now, Alex made a scale replica of Candice

out of eggs that you have to protect at all times.

[ Button clicks ] Daddy! Help me!

I made an Emily, too.

That's so many eggs.

Your coward gut is gonna tell you to run,

so you've gotta listen to your brain and fight!

[ Groans ] Ha!

Your dong's telling you "owww!"

Your environment is your weapon!

[ Grunting ]

[ Shouting ]

[ Both grunt ]

They can't get you if they can't see you.

[ Chuckling ]

But don't ever apply fence varnish to your face.

And finally, when you expect danger,

danger can't expect you!

[ Straining ]

[ Grunts ] [ Shouts ]

Now your dong's telling you ow.

[ Screaming ] Oww! Yes!

I'm brave!

Simmer down, Thin Diesel. This backyard stuff

was just phase one of the training.

Phase two's gonna come at you in the real world

when you least expect it.

And boy is it gonna blow... your...mind.

Bring it on.

[ Grunting ]

[ Eggs squishing ]

[ Saxophone playing ]

♪ Deck the halls with Q4 profits ♪

Up 13% year after year.

[ Saxophone continues ]

[ Glasses shatter ]

[ Crowd exclaiming ]

Whoa...

Hey folks, it's been a heckuva year for Food Corps!

But next year'll be even better when we unveil...

the Barbecue-Cumber!

Narrator: We took a pig and a cucumber

and combined them. [ Pig squeals ]

The Barbecue-Cumber.

Cool.

Hot as a cucumber.

I mean a cucumber that tastes like pulled pork?

Ka-ching!

[ Grunting ] Hoo, ha! Hyah! Ha!

And that, my friends, is how you disarm

somebody who's holding a churro.

[ Chomps ] Yeah, real awesome, Josh.

Tell me, did Pearle teach you how to disarm a fake alien?

Oh, ha ha ha.

I can take your sarcasm

'cause I am a changed man, Em.

[ Pops ] [ Screams ] Gun!

[ Groaning ]

[ Breaks squeaking ]

♪♪

Ha, wow, could you be any more terrorist-y?

Huh, wow.

Could you be any more dying now?

[ Water slamming ]

Damn it, Josh. All that training and for what?

Ah man, my best white slip-ons!

[ Gunshot, glass shattering ]

Geez, they really like champagne.

Jan: Now punch that one over there! [ Punches ]

Wait, That's not the sound of people enjoying sparkling wine. [ People screaming ]

[ Gasps deeply ]

♪♪

Phase two's gonna come at you in the real world

when you least expect it.

Phase two!

Pearle's simulating a terrorist takeover

just like in "Die Hard 2," except in a building!

Alright, Josh, let's do this.

[ Sleigh bells ringing ]

♪♪

[ German accent ] Hey! Where you think you're going?

[ Chuckles ] To save my family.

[ Growling ] Whoa, you're really going for it.

Love the commitment. What are you babbling about?

[ Chuckles ] So good.

Hoo! Ha! Hyah! [ Shouts ]

[ Grunting loudly ]

Oh, my God...

Pearle hired professional stunt men!

You want the Barbecue-Cumber?

But it's not even available yet.

Exactly, Mr. "Shark Tank" CEO.

That is why you will be opening your vault

to be giving us the genetic sequence.

What are you, some kind of environmental activists?

Capitalists. A vegetable

that is tasting like smokey barbecue?

[ Chuckles ] We will be selling to highest bidder.

Probably Whole Foods.

You'll have to kill me for it!

No, no, don't, don't. I was just kidding.

We're insured for this sort of thing.

Okee-dokee, let's get that vault open before the killing.

Emily, what's my password? I don't know, Mr. Salt.

That's okay. We've got a protocol

for this type of situation.

"Who was your best friend in grade school?"

Oh, geez, how could I choose just one?

Are you even to be kidding me right now?!

Josh, remember,

your environment is your weapon.

[ Squashes ]

They can't get you if they can't see you.

Jan: Juergen, we might needing start blowing ze up the vault.

Juergen, comings in.

Juergen!

Josh: Sorry, pal. Juergen just got creamed.

Who is this?

Your worst nightmare.

Oh, man, that was so badass!

Oh, gotta unsqueeze the button -- [ Static ]

Daddy?

[ Josh grunting ]

Who is this Green Day American idiot?!

I-I honestly don't know.

Just some super-sexy hero type?

I just remembered it!

"My name is Mr. Salt,"

and the "E" is a three.

[ Vault chiming, beeping ]

♪♪

[ Sniffs deeply ]

[ Exhales deeply ]

The Barbecue-Cumber.

Soon I am being a billionaire.

[ Hose clanking ]

[ Punching ]

Final boss time!

Not another step, Mr. George W. Cowboy.

Daddy! It's okay, sweetie.

Daddy's crushing this simulation.

What simulation?! You know, this.

Pearle was training me to be brave.

These guys are all a part of it.

Josh, no, this is real.

These guys are real bad guys.

Suuure, Em.

And I bet this paintball gun shoots real bullets, too, huh?

This is real!

[ Sizzling ] And it was Karl's first day on job.

Well, internship.

Oh, man. Oh, man.

Josh! Keep it together!

So pathetic.

And now, Mr. Chocolate Chip Coward,

it is being time for you to die.

[ Slo-mo laughter ]

[ Slo-mo panting ]

Run! Let's get outta here!

No, we fight! Right?

Don't look at me, I'm just your dong.

I vote we run!

Well, if we have to run,

at least run in the right direction!

[ Electricity crackling ]

[ Panting ]

[ Slo-mo laughter continues ]

[ Slo-mo panting continues ]

[ Squishes ] No! I wanted no part of this.

[ Straining ]

[ Slo-mo ] Nooo!

[ Grunts ]

[ Popcorn popping ]

[ Electric guitar "Jingle Bells" plays ]

Oh my, God, Josh! You're shot!

Where's -- There's -- There's no blood.

Whoooaaa...

Saved by out-of-this-world savings.

Man, if this is what they do for Christmas,

I've gotta be here for New Year's.

Hey, wait a minute.

I wonder what phase two really was.

[ Chuckling ] Oh, man. He's gonna shit!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

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