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1
00:00:06,623 --> 00:00:10,354
Attention all units,
attack in progress at 742 Summit Drive.
2
00:00:10,527 --> 00:00:15,157
742 Summit Drive. Screaming heard from
inside the residence. Respond, code three.
3
00:00:15,799 --> 00:00:18,165
Five-four-three-zero, show us responding.
4
00:00:18,334 --> 00:00:20,029
We'll be on scene in under a minute.
5
00:00:20,203 --> 00:00:22,501
Additional person reporting sound
of animal abuse.
6
00:00:22,672 --> 00:00:24,435
Hit it, man. Let's go.
8
00:00:33,750 --> 00:00:36,651
-What the hell is that?
-Five-four-three-oh, request backup.
9
00:00:36,820 --> 00:00:38,617
-It's here.
-Yep.
11
00:00:42,659 --> 00:00:45,822
Stop.
Put your hands up and move away.
12
00:00:45,995 --> 00:00:47,326
I said, move away.
13
00:00:47,497 --> 00:00:48,725
I said, move away.
14
00:00:49,699 --> 00:00:52,497
-Miss, it's okay.
-What the fuck?
15
00:00:52,669 --> 00:00:54,136
I'm coming. I'm coming.
16
00:00:54,304 --> 00:00:56,864
What are you doing, man?
What's going on?
17
00:00:57,040 --> 00:00:59,474
I didn't do anything.
What are you talking about?
18
00:00:59,642 --> 00:01:01,371
Get your hands behind your back.
19
00:01:01,544 --> 00:01:03,341
I am deaf. Can you hear me?
20
00:01:03,513 --> 00:01:04,912
-Hey, partner.
-What?
21
00:01:05,081 --> 00:01:07,072
-You gotta look at this.
-I am deaf.
22
00:01:07,851 --> 00:01:09,580
-Fuck.
-We don't have a crime here.
23
00:01:09,753 --> 00:01:13,917
He wasn't raping me, he was fucking me.
You know, fucking.
24
00:01:14,390 --> 00:01:15,687
Goddamn.
25
00:01:15,859 --> 00:01:16,985
I was about to come.
26
00:01:50,593 --> 00:01:52,618
You ever fuck a deaf chick?
27
00:01:53,696 --> 00:01:55,129
Of course not.
28
00:01:55,298 --> 00:01:57,357
-Are you getting excited?
-Are you nervous?
29
00:01:57,534 --> 00:01:58,933
You only have nine days left.
30
00:01:59,102 --> 00:02:00,933
No, I'm not nervous, but....
31
00:02:01,104 --> 00:02:03,629
I tell you what,
this wedding planning stuff is unreal.
32
00:02:03,807 --> 00:02:05,798
I spent last night, all last night...
33
00:02:05,975 --> 00:02:09,411
...looking at books and magazines
of white flowers. Just white.
34
00:02:09,579 --> 00:02:10,603
I love big weddings.
35
00:02:10,780 --> 00:02:14,011
I don't know how people do it.
I'm just gonna elope.
36
00:02:14,184 --> 00:02:17,119
Yeah? I was unaware that gay marriages
were legal in this state.
37
00:02:17,287 --> 00:02:18,618
Yeah.
38
00:02:19,522 --> 00:02:20,546
What?
39
00:02:20,723 --> 00:02:23,283
Raise your hand
if you've ever fucked a deaf girl.
40
00:02:25,228 --> 00:02:27,526
Bullshit. You hooked up with a deaf girl?
41
00:02:27,697 --> 00:02:29,164
What, you're deaf now too?
42
00:02:29,332 --> 00:02:34,964
Yeah, Dan, I had sex with a deaf girl.
43
00:02:36,806 --> 00:02:39,070
Didn't you hook up with a mute girl
last semester?
44
00:02:39,242 --> 00:02:41,767
That makes you two-thirds of the way
to a Helen Keller.
45
00:02:41,945 --> 00:02:43,970
Dude, you have no idea.
She was crazy. She:
-
47
00:02:45,315 --> 00:02:46,304
Fucking....
48
00:02:46,482 --> 00:02:49,974
I almost shit myself when those cops
busted in. I thought she set me up.
49
00:02:50,153 --> 00:02:51,745
Mr. Max.
50
00:02:51,921 --> 00:02:54,947
-What is your take on this issue?
-I'm sorry, what issue is that?
51
00:02:55,124 --> 00:02:57,149
Are you not paying attention Mr. Max?
52
00:02:57,327 --> 00:03:01,423
No, I wasn't. I apologize. I was busy talking
about having sex with a deaf girl.
53
00:03:02,599 --> 00:03:03,827
Charming.
54
00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:06,400
And oddly appropriate.
55
00:03:06,569 --> 00:03:10,005
Do you or do you not feel that little people
should be a protected class?
56
00:03:10,173 --> 00:03:11,197
You mean midgets?
57
00:03:11,374 --> 00:03:14,275
No, Mr. Max, I do not mean midgets.
I mean little people.
58
00:03:14,444 --> 00:03:17,777
"Midget" is an antiquated
and pejorative term.
59
00:03:17,947 --> 00:03:20,882
What are we protecting them from,
eagles and poachers and stuff?
60
00:03:21,050 --> 00:03:22,312
Like an endangered species?
61
00:03:22,485 --> 00:03:25,511
-Really? Poachers?
-Mr. Max, if you didn't do the reading--
62
00:03:25,688 --> 00:03:29,454
Well, sir, dwarfism is already
a protected class under the ADA.
63
00:03:29,626 --> 00:03:31,287
So your point is kind of moot.
64
00:03:31,461 --> 00:03:33,725
Now, if you're asking me if I agree,
I'm not sure.
65
00:03:33,897 --> 00:03:35,990
There are so many kinds of little people.
66
00:03:36,165 --> 00:03:40,192
There are the ones who are just shorter and
might need a booster seat at their cubicle.
67
00:03:40,370 --> 00:03:44,204
There are those dwarves with giant heads
and flipper arms who can barely walk.
68
00:03:44,374 --> 00:03:48,105
Now, is there a reasonable accommodation
an employer can make for those types...
69
00:03:48,278 --> 00:03:51,338
...that doesn't qualify him
for the business necessity exception?
70
00:03:51,514 --> 00:03:55,075
-I don't think so.
-Then where do you draw the line?
71
00:03:55,485 --> 00:03:57,476
I figure it's like riding a roller coaster.
72
00:03:57,921 --> 00:04:00,481
You must be this high
to get ADA protection.
74
00:04:01,858 --> 00:04:03,553
Very funny, Mr. Max.
75
00:04:03,726 --> 00:04:06,695
What if I told you I just finished
a pro bono case...
76
00:04:06,863 --> 00:04:09,730
...that involved a gentlemen's club
that tried to terminate...
77
00:04:09,899 --> 00:04:12,527
...the employment of a dancer
with dwarfism because she--
78
00:04:12,702 --> 00:04:14,431
You represented a midget stripper?
79
00:04:15,872 --> 00:04:18,670
-Was she hot?
-Mr. Max.
80
00:04:19,509 --> 00:04:24,242
If you're genuinely interested in the case,
come to office hours and I'll fill you in.
81
00:04:24,414 --> 00:04:28,043
In the meantime, let's remember
that this is an employment law class...
82
00:04:28,217 --> 00:04:29,912
...not Adult Friend Finder.
83
00:04:31,254 --> 00:04:33,347
Touch�. I will shut up now.
84
00:04:35,358 --> 00:04:39,124
Dude, so you ready
for your bachelor party tonight or what?
85
00:04:39,295 --> 00:04:40,523
Locked and loaded.
86
00:04:40,697 --> 00:04:44,827
Good. I'm gonna go get Drew.
Meet us at the campus bar after class.
87
00:04:45,535 --> 00:04:49,869
Oh, I guess I'll just finish up here for you.
Jackass.
89
00:04:53,743 --> 00:04:57,679
Energy sword.
Who uses a fucking energy sword?
90
00:05:07,123 --> 00:05:10,957
Pick up that energy sword one more time,
I am going to rape with you with it.
92
00:05:16,199 --> 00:05:18,394
-Hello.
-Yo, Drew, it's Tucker.
93
00:05:18,568 --> 00:05:19,592
What are you doing?
94
00:05:19,769 --> 00:05:21,896
Punishing unethical behavior.
95
00:05:22,071 --> 00:05:24,699
All right. Well, I'm coming to get you, man.
We're going drinking.
97
00:05:26,075 --> 00:05:28,168
Here comes your object lesson.
98
00:05:28,778 --> 00:05:30,769
Gained the lead.
100
00:05:38,488 --> 00:05:40,285
Fucker.
101
00:05:58,141 --> 00:06:00,268
Are those tampons?
102
00:06:00,810 --> 00:06:01,834
Fuck.
103
00:06:02,011 --> 00:06:05,503
"Take whatever you want.
Her box is apparently open to all."
104
00:06:06,416 --> 00:06:07,440
Jesus.
105
00:06:11,421 --> 00:06:15,881
Wow, look at this place.
It's a shrine to cuckoldry and rage.
106
00:06:20,263 --> 00:06:21,287
You ready, dude?
107
00:06:23,766 --> 00:06:25,563
What are you talking about?
108
00:06:26,769 --> 00:06:30,364
-We're going to the bar. I told you.
-I don't actually listen to what you say.
109
00:06:30,540 --> 00:06:34,567
I just wait for you to stop talking
about yourself, get bored and hang up.
110
00:06:38,848 --> 00:06:40,611
Did Sarah call yet?
111
00:06:40,783 --> 00:06:44,412
No. She probably has trouble
talking with a dick in her mouth.
112
00:06:44,587 --> 00:06:46,316
Fuck, man.
113
00:06:46,489 --> 00:06:48,013
This cartoon is disturbingly hot.
114
00:06:48,191 --> 00:06:50,386
Can you imagine a threesome
with these two?
115
00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:52,994
I can imagine them both cheating on me.
116
00:06:53,162 --> 00:06:57,326
-They're cartoons, dude.
-Oh, I'm on to your game, De Nils.
117
00:06:57,500 --> 00:07:01,300
Diamonds are worthless,
other than the value attached to them...
118
00:07:01,471 --> 00:07:04,929
...by the tramps you've brainwashed
into thinking diamond equals love.
119
00:07:05,108 --> 00:07:06,405
Guess what, sluts.
120
00:07:06,576 --> 00:07:10,410
Your quest for the perfect princess cut
supports terrorism and genocide.
121
00:07:10,580 --> 00:07:14,880
Congratulations, your avarice
has managed to destroy an entire continent.
122
00:07:18,788 --> 00:07:20,016
Sarah kept the ring?
123
00:07:20,923 --> 00:07:22,948
I hope you die in a fire.
124
00:07:23,126 --> 00:07:25,890
You act like you're the first person
to ever get cheated on.
125
00:07:26,062 --> 00:07:27,996
It happens to everybody, even me.
126
00:07:28,164 --> 00:07:33,659
Oh, yeah? Does everyone walk in
on their fianc�e sucking off a rapper?
127
00:07:33,836 --> 00:07:35,701
Honey, your throat feeling any--?
128
00:07:35,872 --> 00:07:37,032
-How they do.
-Ah!
129
00:07:37,206 --> 00:07:39,697
Yeah, buddy. Grillionaire in the house.
130
00:07:40,176 --> 00:07:43,270
Hey, who knew blowjobs were good
for sore throats, right?
131
00:07:44,547 --> 00:07:48,142
The most rewarding part
of our friendship...
132
00:07:48,317 --> 00:07:51,411
...is your ability to find amusement
in the destruction of my life.
133
00:07:51,587 --> 00:07:53,919
It's not that bad, dude.
134
00:07:54,090 --> 00:07:55,921
You always get stuck in these cycles.
135
00:07:56,092 --> 00:07:58,253
When you get depressed like this...
136
00:07:58,427 --> 00:08:01,885
...you need to ask yourself,
"What would Tucker do?�
137
00:08:02,064 --> 00:08:04,589
And then you go out and you do that.
138
00:08:04,767 --> 00:08:06,564
I already know what you would do.
139
00:08:06,736 --> 00:08:11,173
And I have no desire to get HIV
from one of the cum dumpsters...
140
00:08:11,340 --> 00:08:14,002
...into whom you shoot your emotional pain
every weekend.
141
00:08:14,177 --> 00:08:15,701
HIV is basically curable now.
142
00:08:15,878 --> 00:08:18,938
It doesn't even show up
in Magic Johnson's blood anymore.
143
00:08:19,582 --> 00:08:25,020
Are you saying that Magic Johnson
is black and has AIDS...
144
00:08:25,188 --> 00:08:27,088
...and has it better than me?
145
00:08:30,326 --> 00:08:32,385
Yeah, I love children.
You know, I wanna--
146
00:08:32,562 --> 00:08:35,759
Yeah, when I graduate I wanna work
with them, have a bunch of my own.
147
00:08:35,932 --> 00:08:37,331
-Really?
-Yeah, what about you?
148
00:08:37,500 --> 00:08:38,967
Are you kidding me? I love kids.
149
00:08:39,135 --> 00:08:42,036
-I can't wait to have more.
-Shut up, you don't have kids.
150
00:08:42,205 --> 00:08:43,399
-Yep. I do.
-No, you don't.
151
00:08:43,573 --> 00:08:47,805
He does. They're just all in the compost
heap behind Planned Parenthood.
152
00:08:48,844 --> 00:08:51,369
If you do stem-cell research,
you can work with them.
153
00:08:52,748 --> 00:08:55,182
All right, this is my boy.
Run along, baby, man talk.
154
00:08:55,351 --> 00:08:57,751
-All right.
-I got your number, I'll call you.
155
00:08:57,920 --> 00:08:58,944
Perhaps.
156
00:08:59,121 --> 00:09:00,884
Who says romance is dead?
157
00:09:01,057 --> 00:09:02,319
How can you hate women...
158
00:09:02,491 --> 00:09:04,891
...yet at the same time
be mad at what Tucker does?
159
00:09:05,061 --> 00:09:07,723
-It makes no sense.
-I am like a feminist.
160
00:09:07,897 --> 00:09:11,094
I can assert
multiple contradictory positions.
161
00:09:11,267 --> 00:09:13,792
Do me a favor.
Can you not talk to my server like that?
162
00:09:14,370 --> 00:09:15,997
It's disrespectful, okay?
163
00:09:17,440 --> 00:09:19,533
-Excuse me?
-Yeah, I think you heard me.
164
00:09:19,709 --> 00:09:23,304
Oh, I heard you, hero.
You don't want me flirting with your server.
165
00:09:23,479 --> 00:09:26,539
-I didn't know she belonged to you.
-It's a figure of speech.
166
00:09:26,716 --> 00:09:29,981
Here's another figure of speech:
mind your own fucking business.
167
00:09:30,386 --> 00:09:33,184
I'm sorry I've accomplished more
with Leslie in 30 minutes...
168
00:09:33,356 --> 00:09:36,655
...than you have in two years,
but she looked happy talking to me.
169
00:09:36,826 --> 00:09:39,158
Or maybe she rubs her crotch
against all customers.
170
00:09:39,328 --> 00:09:41,319
-Probably.
-It's time for you to leave.
171
00:09:41,497 --> 00:09:44,989
-It's time for you to get us another drink.
-Yeah, I don't think so, man.
172
00:09:45,167 --> 00:09:48,603
Could you just go ahead
and put this on my tab, please? Thank you.
173
00:09:48,771 --> 00:09:50,705
Can you get me another beer for--?
174
00:09:50,873 --> 00:09:53,774
-Actually, another two beers for table six.
-Last one.
175
00:09:53,943 --> 00:09:56,343
All right.
Three beers for table six. Thanks.
176
00:09:56,512 --> 00:09:58,309
What the eff, Leslie?
177
00:09:59,181 --> 00:10:01,081
Okay, come on, fuck stick. Let's do this.
178
00:10:01,250 --> 00:10:03,275
You're gonna fuck this girl, pal.
179
00:10:06,555 --> 00:10:08,022
You think you're tough?
180
00:10:08,190 --> 00:10:09,282
No.
181
00:10:09,458 --> 00:10:10,789
Just tougher than you.
182
00:10:11,527 --> 00:10:13,757
Tell your friend I know Brazilian jiujutsu.
183
00:10:13,929 --> 00:10:15,294
He wants to make out.
184
00:10:20,770 --> 00:10:22,704
Why is he twitching?
185
00:10:22,872 --> 00:10:25,636
Listen, we need to discuss
a change of venue for your party.
186
00:10:25,808 --> 00:10:26,832
This should be good.
187
00:10:27,009 --> 00:10:29,773
No, seriously, the strip club
we're supposed to go to sucks.
188
00:10:29,945 --> 00:10:31,207
It's dirty and decrepit...
189
00:10:31,380 --> 00:10:34,611
...and the girls have personalities
like the worst parts of the Bible.
190
00:10:34,784 --> 00:10:37,878
Personalities?
Are you saying we have to talk to them?
191
00:10:38,054 --> 00:10:40,522
Some of us actually enjoy
the company of women, Drew.
192
00:10:40,690 --> 00:10:44,626
Oh, yeah, I'm the misogynist here. Okay.
193
00:10:44,794 --> 00:10:48,286
Wouldn't be an issue if Richmond hadn't
passed the no-touching-strippers ordinance.
194
00:10:48,464 --> 00:10:51,661
Wait a second. You wanna touch
them now? You said they're disgusting.
195
00:10:51,834 --> 00:10:54,166
Well, what do you wanna do, Dan?
Play checkers?
196
00:10:54,337 --> 00:10:56,168
This is a fucking bachelor party.
197
00:10:56,339 --> 00:10:57,806
What did you have in mind?
198
00:10:57,973 --> 00:10:59,634
All right. Thank you very much.
199
00:10:59,809 --> 00:11:03,905
A short three-and-a-half hour drive away
is a strip club called Avarice.
200
00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:06,310
You know what,
I'm sorry, let me back that up.
201
00:11:06,482 --> 00:11:08,006
This isn't just some strip club.
202
00:11:08,184 --> 00:11:10,152
This is the Super Bowl
of carnal pleasures.
203
00:11:10,319 --> 00:11:12,048
We've been to strip clubs before.
204
00:11:12,221 --> 00:11:15,088
Not like this one, dude.
First time I got a lap dance there...
205
00:11:15,257 --> 00:11:17,885
...the stripper grabs my hands
and puts them on her tits.
206
00:11:18,060 --> 00:11:21,257
Second dance, she turns around
and dry humps me the entire time.
207
00:11:21,430 --> 00:11:24,490
She was gorgeous and she wasn't close
to being the best one there.
208
00:11:24,667 --> 00:11:27,727
I used to think there was a line
between a gentlemen's club and a brothel.
209
00:11:27,903 --> 00:11:30,929
-Now you're telling me it's all just gray.
-Wait a second.
210
00:11:31,107 --> 00:11:34,599
You can full on grab their tits
and they don't even care?
211
00:11:34,777 --> 00:11:37,439
-They encourage it.
-Bet they had good childhoods.
212
00:11:37,880 --> 00:11:43,819
The very best part,
$10 dances all night long.
213
00:11:43,986 --> 00:11:49,720
I would rather fellate a hot curling iron
than drive 250 miles...
214
00:11:49,892 --> 00:11:52,520
...because Tucker breastfed till he was 9.
215
00:11:52,695 --> 00:11:54,959
Look, sounds great, but I can't leave,
all right?
216
00:11:55,131 --> 00:11:57,258
I got all kinds of meetings
and stuff tomorrow.
217
00:11:57,433 --> 00:11:58,798
What kind of meetings?
218
00:11:58,968 --> 00:12:02,927
You know, important stuff,
like the seating chart and whatnot.
219
00:12:03,105 --> 00:12:05,005
A seating chart?
220
00:12:05,174 --> 00:12:08,974
I'm pretty sure
Kristy can cut that Gordian knot.
221
00:12:09,145 --> 00:12:11,511
Look, the wedding is next weekend,
all right?
222
00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:14,877
I'm not gonna leave Kristy hanging
because of some no-touch policy.
223
00:12:15,050 --> 00:12:16,711
That's your issue, Tucker, not mine.
224
00:12:16,886 --> 00:12:18,513
We'll be back tomorrow afternoon.
225
00:12:18,687 --> 00:12:20,348
If we stay in Richmond...
226
00:12:20,890 --> 00:12:23,654
...we're not gonna have the experience
we need to make up...
227
00:12:23,826 --> 00:12:28,354
...for that abomination of an engagement
party you had with Kristy's family.
228
00:12:29,231 --> 00:12:34,066
So the tension builds.
G, 61.
229
00:12:34,236 --> 00:12:35,533
Any bingos?
230
00:12:35,704 --> 00:12:37,399
G, 61.
231
00:12:37,573 --> 00:12:40,098
Genesis chapter six, verse one.
232
00:12:40,709 --> 00:12:43,075
-Yeah, that was pretty bad.
-This is it.
233
00:12:45,047 --> 00:12:51,247
This is our last fucking gasp together
as single men.
234
00:12:51,987 --> 00:12:53,545
I guess.
235
00:12:53,722 --> 00:12:55,417
Dude, you're my boys.
236
00:12:55,591 --> 00:12:58,788
I'm just gonna be honest with you,
if you keep acting like a bitch...
237
00:12:58,961 --> 00:13:01,225
...somebody's gonna fuck
that pussy in your face.
238
00:13:01,397 --> 00:13:04,025
He's right. Someone will do that.
239
00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:05,258
What about Drew?
240
00:13:05,434 --> 00:13:07,061
Oh, don't drag me into this.
241
00:13:07,236 --> 00:13:09,500
There is a Next Generation marathon
this weekend.
242
00:13:09,672 --> 00:13:12,004
I'm more than happy
just lusting after Deanna Troi.
243
00:13:12,174 --> 00:13:14,972
He hasn't been out of his nerd hole
for two weeks.
244
00:13:15,144 --> 00:13:17,840
-Drew needs this.
-You do need this.
245
00:13:18,013 --> 00:13:19,776
I need this like I need hepatitis C.
246
00:13:19,949 --> 00:13:21,211
You need this.
247
00:13:22,184 --> 00:13:23,412
You need this.
248
00:13:23,586 --> 00:13:25,816
He needs this. I need it.
249
00:13:25,988 --> 00:13:27,421
We all need it.
250
00:13:27,590 --> 00:13:29,558
Because it's our destiny as men.
251
00:13:30,092 --> 00:13:33,425
There is no way
I'm not gonna regret this.
252
00:13:33,596 --> 00:13:35,496
But fuck it. Let's go.
253
00:13:35,664 --> 00:13:36,995
Done. Fuck it.
254
00:13:39,268 --> 00:13:41,532
-Whatever.
-Let's get the fuck out of here.
255
00:13:41,704 --> 00:13:43,501
Why not?
256
00:13:45,608 --> 00:13:48,099
Bro, make sure to tell Leslie
that I'm an asshole...
257
00:13:48,277 --> 00:13:50,905
...and she should stay away,
it'll only help me.
258
00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:52,411
-Hey, see you.
-Hey.
259
00:13:52,581 --> 00:13:54,310
That's for you.
260
00:13:55,451 --> 00:13:57,419
I already fingered her.
261
00:14:05,160 --> 00:14:08,823
Remember, you're the reason we're going
on this trip and you fucking earned it.
262
00:14:08,998 --> 00:14:11,796
So put your goddamn game face on.
263
00:14:14,803 --> 00:14:17,294
-Let's do this.
-All right.
264
00:14:19,241 --> 00:14:23,075
He's gonna fail
worse than a Friends spinoff.
265
00:14:27,049 --> 00:14:28,880
-Hey, babe.
-Hey.
266
00:14:29,051 --> 00:14:30,313
What are you working on?
267
00:14:30,486 --> 00:14:31,851
The seating chart.
268
00:14:32,021 --> 00:14:33,215
Oh, yeah?
269
00:14:33,389 --> 00:14:35,516
Wow, looks like you're almost done.
270
00:14:35,691 --> 00:14:37,249
Not really.
271
00:14:37,426 --> 00:14:39,018
-Hey, guess who just called.
-Who?
272
00:14:39,194 --> 00:14:40,320
My mom.
273
00:14:40,496 --> 00:14:42,623
What?
Another dinosaur fossil test her faith?
274
00:14:44,166 --> 00:14:47,294
She's coming into town early to help out.
Isn't that nice of her?
275
00:14:47,469 --> 00:14:50,165
-How early?
-Tonight.
276
00:14:51,507 --> 00:14:52,804
Tonight?
277
00:14:52,975 --> 00:14:56,411
You know she's only coming in early
so she can take control of everything.
278
00:14:56,579 --> 00:14:59,139
No, she's not. Quit being so dramatic.
279
00:15:00,316 --> 00:15:03,547
If she has it her way, the reception's
gonna be a potluck in a barn.
280
00:15:03,719 --> 00:15:06,711
She's pious and conservative, Dan,
not Pennsylvania Dutch.
281
00:15:06,889 --> 00:15:09,881
Probably gonna churn our own butter
for the dinner rolls.
282
00:15:10,059 --> 00:15:13,551
My parents are paying for this entire
wedding. She's entitled to some input.
283
00:15:13,729 --> 00:15:15,060
Come on, babe.
284
00:15:15,230 --> 00:15:18,427
I just don't want her
to suck all of the fun out of the wedding.
285
00:15:18,601 --> 00:15:19,727
It's my day too.
286
00:15:19,902 --> 00:15:21,164
All right, Groomzilla.
287
00:15:21,337 --> 00:15:22,429
Oh, whoa.
288
00:15:22,605 --> 00:15:26,302
Don't Groomzilla me. Those squirrel hunters
wouldn't know a good time if it...
289
00:15:26,475 --> 00:15:28,909
...landed on the front lawn
of their megachurch.
290
00:15:31,547 --> 00:15:33,310
What's taking him so long?
291
00:15:33,482 --> 00:15:36,747
He's talking to a woman.
Anything is possible.
292
00:15:38,454 --> 00:15:39,648
What are you doing?
293
00:15:39,822 --> 00:15:40,880
Packing.
294
00:15:41,056 --> 00:15:42,080
For what?
295
00:15:42,257 --> 00:15:45,590
I'm going to Salem with Tucker and Drew
for my bachelor party.
296
00:15:45,761 --> 00:15:47,956
-I thought you were staying.
-Change of plans.
297
00:15:48,130 --> 00:15:50,598
Tucker knows about a great strip club
down there.
298
00:15:50,766 --> 00:15:53,030
Oh, good for Tucker.
I hope he has a great time.
299
00:15:53,202 --> 00:15:56,569
Babe, come on.
You know I can't let him go off by himself.
300
00:15:57,072 --> 00:16:00,235
-Somebody needs go have his back.
-Oh, and who's got your back?
301
00:16:00,409 --> 00:16:01,933
Drew?
302
00:16:03,278 --> 00:16:04,472
Tucker's got my back.
303
00:16:04,647 --> 00:16:07,081
Tucker? Tucker says he's got your back.
304
00:16:07,249 --> 00:16:10,013
Except you're the one who
always ends up bailing him out.
305
00:16:10,185 --> 00:16:13,052
I wish you took care of me
as well as you take care of Tucker.
306
00:16:13,389 --> 00:16:18,292
Well, that is a load of crap. I always look
out for you. You're my number-one priority.
307
00:16:19,361 --> 00:16:23,593
Really? Really?
When have I taken precedence?
308
00:16:23,766 --> 00:16:25,427
When have you chosen me over Tucker?
309
00:16:25,601 --> 00:16:27,660
Give me an example. Just one.
310
00:16:28,771 --> 00:16:30,068
I'm marrying you, aren't I?
311
00:16:31,273 --> 00:16:32,467
Should I go help?
312
00:16:32,641 --> 00:16:35,007
There is a zero-percent chance...
313
00:16:35,177 --> 00:16:39,113
...that injecting you into the situation
is gonna make it any better.
314
00:16:40,716 --> 00:16:42,308
I'm going in.
315
00:16:47,990 --> 00:16:49,355
Bring me a Red Bull.
316
00:16:49,525 --> 00:16:51,186
Yeah, why can't we just compromise?
317
00:16:51,360 --> 00:16:52,452
Compromise?
318
00:16:52,628 --> 00:16:54,528
You kidding? That's all I've been doing.
319
00:16:54,697 --> 00:16:58,064
Your father didn't want a party
with strippers and booze, I said fine.
320
00:16:58,233 --> 00:17:02,101
We'll have an engagement party at church.
I wanted a bouncy castle at the reception.
321
00:17:02,271 --> 00:17:05,206
�Bouncy castles are childish and dangerous.
Grow up."
322
00:17:05,741 --> 00:17:09,006
You know, and I said fine because
I didn't wanna argue with your mom.
323
00:17:09,178 --> 00:17:11,009
It's just a stupid bouncy castle.
324
00:17:11,180 --> 00:17:14,047
The only thing I've been able
to hold onto is the open bar...
325
00:17:14,216 --> 00:17:16,650
...and now she's gonna fly in here
and take that too.
326
00:17:16,819 --> 00:17:18,684
You're not gonna do a thing to stop her.
327
00:17:19,121 --> 00:17:23,114
You know, if all this is so important to you,
then quit complaining and take a stand.
328
00:17:24,326 --> 00:17:26,556
Oh, you want me to take a stand? Fine.
329
00:17:26,729 --> 00:17:28,924
I'm going to Salem
and I don't care what you...
330
00:17:29,098 --> 00:17:31,589
...or the Wicked Witch of West Texas
thinks about it.
331
00:17:31,767 --> 00:17:33,257
What's up, guys? You ready?
332
00:17:33,435 --> 00:17:36,165
Hey, what's this I hear you're
taking Dan out of town?
333
00:17:36,338 --> 00:17:38,499
Richmond passed
this stupid no-touch policy.
334
00:17:38,674 --> 00:17:41,302
Since the ladies
can't seem to keep their hands off me...
335
00:17:41,477 --> 00:17:43,570
...it'd be irresponsible
to go to clubs here.
336
00:17:43,746 --> 00:17:46,146
-How thoughtful of you.
-You don't mind, do you?
337
00:17:50,018 --> 00:17:51,645
I'm not stepping on any toes, am l?
338
00:17:51,820 --> 00:17:54,254
We have all the final wedding
appointments tomorrow.
339
00:17:54,423 --> 00:17:55,822
Oh, no.
340
00:17:55,991 --> 00:17:57,117
Dan.
341
00:17:57,292 --> 00:17:59,817
You didn't say anything.
Why didn't you tell me, man?
342
00:17:59,995 --> 00:18:03,362
That's not cool. It's your wedding, man.
343
00:18:03,532 --> 00:18:07,161
Listen, we'll just go out in town.
We can do Salem after your honeymoon.
344
00:18:08,070 --> 00:18:10,402
Sound good, huh?
Kristy, that way you can come too.
345
00:18:12,608 --> 00:18:14,769
-All right, that's cool.
-All right.
346
00:18:14,943 --> 00:18:16,433
He won't need this anymore.
347
00:18:16,612 --> 00:18:19,342
I'll have him back
before you even wake up.
348
00:18:19,748 --> 00:18:22,342
Kristy, you look hot as always.
349
00:18:22,518 --> 00:18:25,009
You are so full of shit.
350
00:18:30,025 --> 00:18:31,925
Salem, here we come, man.
351
00:18:32,094 --> 00:18:33,288
-Yeah.
-What?
352
00:18:33,462 --> 00:18:35,396
Oh, come on.
353
00:18:35,564 --> 00:18:38,328
Do you think it's possible
to keep me from something I want?
354
00:18:38,500 --> 00:18:40,024
The more important question is...
355
00:18:40,202 --> 00:18:43,660
...are you ready to get shitfaced
and grab some titties?
356
00:18:43,839 --> 00:18:45,272
That's not a Red Bull.
357
00:18:45,440 --> 00:18:47,101
Yeah.
360
00:19:13,635 --> 00:19:17,127
Here's what I don't get.
Why did you have to lie to her?
361
00:19:17,306 --> 00:19:18,773
It's not like I wasn't gonna go.
362
00:19:18,941 --> 00:19:22,342
Oh, please. When I walked in,
you had so much surrender in your eyes...
363
00:19:22,511 --> 00:19:24,741
...I thought your apartment
was Vichy France.
364
00:19:24,913 --> 00:19:28,246
We need to stop for food.
My blood sugar is getting low.
365
00:19:28,417 --> 00:19:30,385
I just hate lying to Kristy, man.
366
00:19:30,552 --> 00:19:32,747
You didn't lie to her, I did.
367
00:19:32,921 --> 00:19:34,081
That is bullshit.
368
00:19:34,256 --> 00:19:36,747
But somehow I'm going with it.
369
00:19:36,925 --> 00:19:39,689
If I don't get a pancakewich,
I'm calling the authorities...
370
00:19:39,862 --> 00:19:42,558
...and have you arrested
for kidnapping and conspiracy.
371
00:19:42,731 --> 00:19:45,529
I don't know how you eat pancakewiches.
They look disgusting.
372
00:19:46,835 --> 00:19:49,429
I can only assume
from your cavalier attitude...
373
00:19:49,605 --> 00:19:53,905
...that you have yet to partake
in the wonderment that is the pancakewich.
374
00:19:54,076 --> 00:19:55,202
Let me enlighten you.
375
00:19:56,078 --> 00:20:01,414
What happens is the one true god
grows pancakewiches on trees...
376
00:20:01,583 --> 00:20:05,212
...in the Elysian Fields
using a mystical incantation.
377
00:20:05,387 --> 00:20:09,084
He then proceeds to magic them down
to your local eatery...
378
00:20:09,258 --> 00:20:13,888
...where whatever societal reject
Griddleworld has rescued off the dole...
379
00:20:14,062 --> 00:20:17,122
...gently wraps them in cellophane
and passes them along to you...
380
00:20:17,299 --> 00:20:19,290
...the fortunate consumer.
381
00:20:19,468 --> 00:20:21,902
You proceed to ingest this finery...
382
00:20:22,070 --> 00:20:24,630
...in the vain hope
that your overmatched taste buds...
383
00:20:24,806 --> 00:20:30,142
...can somehow comprehend the delectable
intricacies that face them.
384
00:20:30,312 --> 00:20:33,372
Is that egg? Why, yes. Yes, it is.
385
00:20:33,548 --> 00:20:35,140
And bacon too.
386
00:20:35,317 --> 00:20:36,841
But wait, did they--?
387
00:20:37,019 --> 00:20:40,011
They didn't. Yes, they did,
they did indeed.
388
00:20:40,756 --> 00:20:42,189
They added cheese.
389
00:20:42,357 --> 00:20:45,087
And then, then, my friend...
390
00:20:45,260 --> 00:20:50,061
...they wrapped it
in a sumptuous pancake bun.
391
00:20:50,232 --> 00:20:56,432
As your taste buds try to process
that amazing piece of information...
392
00:20:56,605 --> 00:20:58,470
...it hits them.
393
00:20:59,441 --> 00:21:00,669
The syrup nugget.
394
00:21:01,243 --> 00:21:04,371
The motherfucking syrup nugget.
395
00:21:04,546 --> 00:21:08,107
It announces itself
with a burst of confectionery grandiosity...
396
00:21:08,283 --> 00:21:12,879
...the likes of which your palate
has never seen.
397
00:21:14,756 --> 00:21:17,384
So you like them?
399
00:21:19,027 --> 00:21:21,052
Allow me to rephrase.
400
00:21:21,229 --> 00:21:23,527
If you ever speak ill
of the pancakewich again...
401
00:21:23,699 --> 00:21:27,135
...I will personally come to your home
and force-feed you one...
402
00:21:27,302 --> 00:21:30,863
...while I fuck you in the ass
with the wrapper as a condom...
403
00:21:31,039 --> 00:21:35,669
...and then donkey punch you
when the infused syrup nugget explodes.
404
00:21:37,179 --> 00:21:40,546
We got a motherfucking Griddleworld
coming up at the next exit.
405
00:21:40,716 --> 00:21:42,445
Thank God.
406
00:22:10,278 --> 00:22:11,836
Oh, come on. Who farted?
407
00:22:12,014 --> 00:22:14,744
-I don't smell anything.
-Oh, my God.
408
00:22:14,916 --> 00:22:16,941
Oh, what is wrong with you?
409
00:22:17,119 --> 00:22:19,952
It smells like you got buttfucked
by a garbage truck.
410
00:22:20,122 --> 00:22:22,682
Hey, Griddleworld was your idea, man.
411
00:22:22,858 --> 00:22:24,917
Do not disparage the pancakewich.
412
00:22:25,093 --> 00:22:27,857
Could you just unlock
the fucking window, Tucker?
413
00:22:28,030 --> 00:22:29,930
-You get a bit back there?
-Fuck yourself.
414
00:22:30,699 --> 00:22:32,667
Where are my law books?
415
00:22:32,834 --> 00:22:34,734
This must count as a felony battery.
416
00:22:34,903 --> 00:22:37,098
-Dude.
-All right, fuck.
417
00:22:37,272 --> 00:22:39,137
You guys have such weak constitutions.
418
00:22:39,307 --> 00:22:41,832
I bet those girls
wouldn't complain as much as you two.
419
00:22:42,010 --> 00:22:44,103
-I can taste that.
-They wouldn't. They're hookers.
420
00:22:44,279 --> 00:22:45,746
They subject themselves
to anything...
421
00:22:45,914 --> 00:22:48,439
-...for the right price.
-Not every woman is a whore.
422
00:22:48,617 --> 00:22:51,051
Tucker, where are we going?
Where's the strip club?
423
00:22:51,219 --> 00:22:53,847
It's not even 7:00 yet.
The club doesn't open till 10.
424
00:22:54,322 --> 00:22:57,553
-Let's get some drinks first. Pre-game.
-Oh, wonderful.
425
00:22:57,726 --> 00:22:59,921
Now I can hate
all these people from up close...
426
00:23:00,095 --> 00:23:03,553
...instead of baselessly judging them
from this metal fart coffin.
427
00:23:04,066 --> 00:23:07,502
Last time I was here there was more pussy
than you could shake a stick at.
428
00:23:07,669 --> 00:23:10,968
Unbelievable hot chicks, wall to wall.
429
00:23:14,242 --> 00:23:15,800
All right, dude.
430
00:23:15,977 --> 00:23:18,571
Can�t you see...
431
00:23:18,747 --> 00:23:22,410
Oh, yeah, this place is crawling with trim.
Shame I'm taken.
432
00:23:22,584 --> 00:23:24,609
Let's see some IDs, guys.
433
00:23:24,786 --> 00:23:28,654
Looks like Lane Bryant and Jenny Craig
had a knife fight in here.
434
00:23:28,824 --> 00:23:30,689
Ten dollar cover tonight.
435
00:23:30,859 --> 00:23:33,828
You know what a soft-off is?
436
00:23:33,995 --> 00:23:35,019
No, what is it?
437
00:23:35,197 --> 00:23:37,097
It's the opposite of a hard-on.
438
00:23:37,699 --> 00:23:39,098
And that's what I have.
439
00:23:39,267 --> 00:23:40,928
I will pay you $10...
440
00:23:41,103 --> 00:23:44,732
...only if you can erase this visual atrocity
from my memory.
441
00:23:44,906 --> 00:23:47,773
Go down to Whiskey Bar.
That's where everybody's at tonight.
442
00:23:47,943 --> 00:23:50,070
And by everybody,
you mean all the dudes?
443
00:23:50,245 --> 00:23:52,543
I wish, man, I wish.
No, I gotta stay here.
444
00:23:53,014 --> 00:23:54,481
-Let's give it a shot.
-Come on.
445
00:23:54,649 --> 00:23:56,549
It can't be worse than this.
448
00:24:03,024 --> 00:24:06,187
All right, now this is what I call
a target-rich environment.
449
00:24:06,361 --> 00:24:07,623
I agree.
450
00:24:07,796 --> 00:24:10,629
I wanna shoot
every one of these bitches.
451
00:24:10,799 --> 00:24:12,266
-Not her.
-Nice.
452
00:24:12,434 --> 00:24:13,799
-Her too.
-All right, fellas.
453
00:24:13,969 --> 00:24:16,233
A little over two hours
until Avarice opens up.
454
00:24:16,404 --> 00:24:18,497
Let's see if we can't get
girls to go with us.
455
00:24:18,673 --> 00:24:19,833
Wait, wait, wait.
456
00:24:20,008 --> 00:24:25,708
You wanna pick up sluts
to bring them to go see whores?
457
00:24:25,881 --> 00:24:27,576
If things go well.
458
00:24:27,749 --> 00:24:30,946
Oh, look, a menagerie of sluts.
Who would have guessed?
459
00:24:31,119 --> 00:24:34,782
What are those drinks? Not the ones
with the penises in it. The other ones.
460
00:24:34,956 --> 00:24:36,480
It's called a Flaming Dr. Pepper.
461
00:24:36,658 --> 00:24:39,923
-Looks amazing. Throw three more on there.
-We're not paying for those.
462
00:24:40,095 --> 00:24:43,155
Don't worry about it, sweetheart.
It's okay, we got this round.
463
00:24:43,698 --> 00:24:46,258
My name isn't sweetheart, it's Mary.
464
00:24:46,434 --> 00:24:48,925
Okay, good to know. Thank you.
465
00:24:49,104 --> 00:24:51,538
Drew, not all girls are sluts.
466
00:24:51,706 --> 00:24:54,504
-Just most of them.
-I hope this sets off the sprinklers.
467
00:24:54,676 --> 00:24:56,439
-Oh, nice.
-Shit.
468
00:24:59,748 --> 00:25:01,579
Oh!
469
00:25:01,750 --> 00:25:02,978
I've seen better.
471
00:25:08,123 --> 00:25:09,147
That tastes like ass.
472
00:25:09,324 --> 00:25:11,349
Holy shit. It tastes like a Dr. Pepper.
473
00:25:12,227 --> 00:25:13,285
Hence the name.
474
00:25:13,461 --> 00:25:15,326
Thank you. Again. Eight more of them.
475
00:25:15,497 --> 00:25:17,021
That will be another $120.
476
00:25:17,199 --> 00:25:20,430
Shit. Just get us eight vodka shots.
You guys aren't worth that much.
477
00:25:20,602 --> 00:25:22,797
Oh, our company is priceless.
478
00:25:22,971 --> 00:25:26,498
If it lacks a price,
it is probably worthless.
479
00:25:27,075 --> 00:25:29,635
-Any particular kind of vodka?
-Well, please.
480
00:25:29,811 --> 00:25:32,177
Thank you for asking. Down there.
481
00:25:36,184 --> 00:25:39,119
If this is a real bachelorette party,
who's the designated slut?
482
00:25:39,287 --> 00:25:41,551
Don't call us sluts.
You didn't even know us.
483
00:25:41,723 --> 00:25:42,951
No one here is a slut.
484
00:25:43,124 --> 00:25:44,148
Oh, come on, come on.
485
00:25:44,326 --> 00:25:47,784
The slut at a bachelor party
is kind of like the sucker at a poker table.
486
00:25:47,963 --> 00:25:50,090
If you can't pick them out,
it's probably you.
488
00:25:51,566 --> 00:25:54,330
Here we are ladies, one for each of you.
Palm greaser for you.
489
00:25:54,502 --> 00:25:56,732
-Panty dropper for you.
-Not cool, you know.
490
00:25:56,905 --> 00:26:00,170
Making fun of girls to impress your friends
is so immature.
491
00:26:00,342 --> 00:26:01,366
You're such a jerk.
492
00:26:01,543 --> 00:26:03,408
Your friends are laughing
more than mine.
493
00:26:03,578 --> 00:26:06,138
-I'm not laughing at all.
-Why are you guys laughing?
494
00:26:06,314 --> 00:26:08,680
Don't laugh. It's not funny.
495
00:26:09,417 --> 00:26:12,853
I think a toast is in order for my buddy Dan,
who's also getting married.
496
00:26:13,555 --> 00:26:17,457
And the bachelorette
and all her beautiful friends...
497
00:26:17,626 --> 00:26:19,389
...even the bitchy prude.
498
00:26:20,996 --> 00:26:24,022
Here is to the people we've met.
499
00:26:24,199 --> 00:26:25,826
And to the people we've fucked.
500
00:26:26,001 --> 00:26:28,401
And to those of us
who have had no such luck.
501
00:26:29,271 --> 00:26:34,208
Here's to beer in the glass
and vodka in the cup.
502
00:26:34,376 --> 00:26:38,745
Here's to poking her in the ass
so she won't get knocked up.
503
00:26:38,913 --> 00:26:42,110
Here's to all of you, and here's to me...
504
00:26:42,284 --> 00:26:44,878
...together as friends we will always be.
505
00:26:45,053 --> 00:26:46,714
But if we should ever disagree...
506
00:26:46,888 --> 00:26:48,879
...then fuck all of you, here's to me.
507
00:26:50,191 --> 00:26:52,819
-Cheers.
-All right.
508
00:26:54,329 --> 00:26:56,763
All right, but for real,
which one's the naughty one?
509
00:26:56,931 --> 00:26:59,525
See now, the world goes round in circles
510
00:26:59,701 --> 00:27:01,430
It never would stop
511
00:27:07,542 --> 00:27:10,409
All right. What's your porn name?
512
00:27:10,578 --> 00:27:11,806
Scott Peterson.
513
00:27:11,980 --> 00:27:14,107
No, no, not your real name.
514
00:27:14,282 --> 00:27:17,410
Your porn name is your pet's name
and the street you grew up on.
515
00:27:17,585 --> 00:27:19,576
I wasn't allowed to have pets.
516
00:27:19,754 --> 00:27:23,121
Okay, we'll do another way, then.
What's your middle name?
517
00:27:23,291 --> 00:27:27,751
I don't have one, unless I missed it
between "shut" and "up" as a kid.
518
00:27:27,929 --> 00:27:30,523
Oh, come on. Play along, it's fun.
519
00:27:30,699 --> 00:27:35,466
If you touch me again.
I will gut you and grind you into pig slop.
520
00:27:38,440 --> 00:27:39,873
What--? Why?
521
00:27:40,041 --> 00:27:43,602
You're the only guy I know
that actually cock blocks himself.
522
00:27:43,778 --> 00:27:47,874
Come on, man.
This night is about you and Dan.
523
00:27:48,049 --> 00:27:49,573
Remember what we talked about?
524
00:27:49,751 --> 00:27:51,480
Instead of being a fucking killjoy...
525
00:27:51,653 --> 00:27:54,087
...you stop and ask yourself,
"What would Tucker do?�
526
00:27:54,255 --> 00:27:55,449
And then you go do that.
527
00:27:55,623 --> 00:28:00,219
Well, unfortunately, we can't both go
after the girl with the lowest self-esteem.
528
00:28:00,395 --> 00:28:04,229
-Now, can we?
-We can try.
529
00:28:04,399 --> 00:28:06,390
Speak of the devil.
530
00:28:06,568 --> 00:28:10,060
What's up? You finally ready to hook up
or we need more shots first?
531
00:28:10,238 --> 00:28:11,705
She's the bride.
532
00:28:11,873 --> 00:28:15,536
You talk a big game, Mr. Man.
533
00:28:15,710 --> 00:28:18,679
But you don't look like
much of a drinker to me.
534
00:28:18,847 --> 00:28:20,781
Oh, really? Are you talking to me?
535
00:28:20,949 --> 00:28:23,941
You couldn't tie my drinking shoes.
536
00:28:24,119 --> 00:28:25,746
Let's do shots, then.
537
00:28:25,920 --> 00:28:28,650
Oh! Isn't she precious?
538
00:28:28,823 --> 00:28:30,450
We'll do teams. It'll be fun.
539
00:28:30,625 --> 00:28:32,320
-"It will be fun."
-Okay, fine.
540
00:28:32,494 --> 00:28:34,018
-"We will do teams."
-Let's do it.
541
00:28:34,195 --> 00:28:36,425
Bachelor and hottest guy, me, duh...
542
00:28:36,598 --> 00:28:38,964
...versus bachelorette
and your hottest friend.
543
00:28:39,134 --> 00:28:40,965
-I think your friend's hotter.
-Yeah?
544
00:28:41,136 --> 00:28:43,696
Talk to him for five minutes
and tell me what you think.
545
00:28:43,872 --> 00:28:46,932
Let's get down to business.
Line them up. And no girly shit either.
546
00:28:47,108 --> 00:28:49,440
If it has sugar in it, it's not a real shot.
547
00:28:58,253 --> 00:29:02,019
So what's up with Mary, Queen of Twats
over there?
548
00:29:02,190 --> 00:29:04,556
-You know how it is.
-Yeah.
549
00:29:04,726 --> 00:29:06,887
It'd suck to be such an angry bitch.
550
00:29:07,061 --> 00:29:09,052
She can be lots of fun
when she wants to be.
551
00:29:09,230 --> 00:29:12,688
When is that? When she's luring
small children into her gingerbread house?
552
00:29:12,867 --> 00:29:14,664
No. She isn't that bad.
553
00:29:14,836 --> 00:29:17,168
Women are the worst
at judging their friends.
554
00:29:17,338 --> 00:29:19,397
-She's really sweet.
-Bums wouldn't fuck her.
555
00:29:19,574 --> 00:29:21,269
I don't know about bums.
556
00:29:21,443 --> 00:29:23,104
Maybe titty fuck her.
557
00:29:34,289 --> 00:29:37,383
For the record, I just wanted
to disagree with my friend Tucker--
558
00:29:37,559 --> 00:29:38,958
Oh, baby.
559
00:29:39,127 --> 00:29:41,118
Grillionaire.
560
00:29:41,696 --> 00:29:46,258
I got ice, whips, ho�s, money
Got ice, whips, ho�s, money
561
00:29:46,434 --> 00:29:48,026
You like this guy?
562
00:29:48,203 --> 00:29:52,139
I love him. He is hot.
563
00:29:52,307 --> 00:29:55,504
How they do, baby
Grillionaire in the house
564
00:29:55,677 --> 00:29:59,044
How they do, baby
Grillionaire in the house
565
00:29:59,214 --> 00:30:00,476
Yeah, buddy
566
00:30:00,648 --> 00:30:07,178
Get away from me, or I'm gonna carve
another fuck hole in your torso.
567
00:30:21,002 --> 00:30:24,165
Sorry, man.
Want me to ask them to turn it off?
568
00:30:24,339 --> 00:30:25,636
Yes.
569
00:30:26,207 --> 00:30:29,074
You gotta admit, though, man,
it is kind of catchy.
570
00:30:29,244 --> 00:30:30,506
It's a good fucking hook.
571
00:30:30,678 --> 00:30:33,272
Ice, ice, whips, whips, ho�s, ho�s, money
572
00:30:33,448 --> 00:30:36,008
Ice, ice, whips, whips, ho�s, ho�s, money
573
00:30:36,184 --> 00:30:37,276
Got it?
Ice, ice, whips--
574
00:30:37,452 --> 00:30:40,910
All right, all right, all right. We'll stop.
Okay, just--
575
00:30:41,523 --> 00:30:42,888
Where the ho�s at?
576
00:30:43,525 --> 00:30:47,586
This is for all you
bitches, ho's, and pricks.
577
00:30:47,762 --> 00:30:51,926
We wouldn't talk to any of you
if we didn't have dicks. Tucker Max.
578
00:30:52,100 --> 00:30:53,362
Who's Tucker Max?
579
00:30:53,535 --> 00:30:55,332
A rapist.
580
00:30:55,503 --> 00:30:56,765
I can't. I'm done.
581
00:30:56,938 --> 00:30:58,235
What?
582
00:30:58,406 --> 00:30:59,703
Six shots.
583
00:30:59,874 --> 00:31:01,398
That's it? Six shots?
584
00:31:01,576 --> 00:31:04,670
Oh, you may be able to vote and drive,
but you will never be equal.
585
00:31:04,846 --> 00:31:07,178
-It's embarrassing.
-Why are you talking to him?
586
00:31:07,348 --> 00:31:10,715
-He's just messing around.
-Come on, he's cute.
587
00:31:10,885 --> 00:31:12,944
Cute, like full-blown AIDS.
588
00:31:13,121 --> 00:31:16,955
No, he's not. Everything he says
is disgusting and misogynist.
589
00:31:17,125 --> 00:31:20,253
Uh.... No, it isn't.
590
00:31:20,428 --> 00:31:22,862
If I said women
belong chained to a stove...
591
00:31:23,031 --> 00:31:25,056
...with enough slack
to reach the bedroom...
592
00:31:25,233 --> 00:31:28,828
...because those are the places that
your rib-stealing gender's worth a damn...
593
00:31:29,003 --> 00:31:31,563
-...that would be misogynist.
-Would be true.
594
00:31:31,739 --> 00:31:33,900
Excuse me?
595
00:31:34,075 --> 00:31:37,738
What I said was sexist
and a fucking joke.
596
00:31:37,912 --> 00:31:40,710
Not that your pageant-girl ass
would know the difference.
597
00:31:40,882 --> 00:31:41,906
-Hey.
-That's much.
598
00:31:42,083 --> 00:31:43,710
-What?
-Fine. You know what?
599
00:31:43,885 --> 00:31:45,750
You're sexist and misogynist.
600
00:31:45,920 --> 00:31:47,251
Good for you.
601
00:31:47,422 --> 00:31:50,619
Tucker, you misogynist Neanderthal.
602
00:31:50,792 --> 00:31:54,523
Why dost thou hate women so?
603
00:31:54,696 --> 00:31:57,688
That's the thing.
I don't hate women. I love women.
604
00:31:57,865 --> 00:31:59,856
Why else would I put up
with all their shit?
605
00:32:00,034 --> 00:32:01,661
Now you're being kind of mean.
606
00:32:01,836 --> 00:32:03,531
Yeah, you know what?
607
00:32:03,705 --> 00:32:05,002
You're an ass.
608
00:32:06,007 --> 00:32:09,135
I just don't like her as a person...
609
00:32:09,310 --> 00:32:11,278
...because she's a negative fucking bitch.
610
00:32:11,446 --> 00:32:14,006
That has nothing to do
with whether or not she has tits.
611
00:32:14,182 --> 00:32:16,582
-Hey.
-Tucker.
612
00:32:17,085 --> 00:32:18,848
That's not good game.
613
00:32:20,321 --> 00:32:22,050
-You're really mean.
-Yeah.
614
00:32:22,223 --> 00:32:25,681
Yeah. You know what?
Come on, let's go. Let's go.
615
00:32:26,194 --> 00:32:28,685
-Yeah.
-It was going so good.
616
00:32:28,863 --> 00:32:31,423
We actually made friends.
Wait, wait, wait. Hold on.
617
00:32:31,599 --> 00:32:33,123
Asshole.
618
00:32:33,668 --> 00:32:35,499
Wait, wait, wait. Guys, come on, sorry.
619
00:32:35,670 --> 00:32:37,433
Listen, I just want to apologize.
620
00:32:37,972 --> 00:32:40,031
You'll have to forgive my friend, all right?
621
00:32:40,208 --> 00:32:42,574
-He's got mommy issues.
-What do you mean?
622
00:32:43,111 --> 00:32:45,306
Mommy was the life of the party.
623
00:32:45,647 --> 00:32:48,013
Mommy, where do babies come from?
624
00:32:48,182 --> 00:32:51,913
Go ask your deadbeat father
and his fancy new wife.
625
00:32:52,253 --> 00:32:53,720
He really is a good guy, honest.
626
00:32:53,888 --> 00:32:56,322
He's just sometimes
a little quick on the trigger.
627
00:32:57,425 --> 00:32:59,325
Why don't you just come to
the strip club?
628
00:32:59,494 --> 00:33:01,826
-Drinks will be on the asshole.
-Yeah, come on.
629
00:33:01,996 --> 00:33:04,396
That sounds like a plan.
630
00:33:04,565 --> 00:33:06,157
What strip club you guys going to?
631
00:33:06,334 --> 00:33:08,427
-It's called Avarice.
-I've never heard of it.
632
00:33:08,603 --> 00:33:11,094
That's because they don't
let prudish bitches in.
633
00:33:11,272 --> 00:33:12,762
Tucker.
634
00:33:12,940 --> 00:33:14,931
She's not a bitch.
635
00:33:15,109 --> 00:33:16,974
She's a snatch napkin.
636
00:33:18,780 --> 00:33:20,907
It was nice to meet you.
637
00:33:21,082 --> 00:33:22,674
Oh, my God.
638
00:33:23,217 --> 00:33:25,378
Call Information.
Find out where this club is.
639
00:33:25,553 --> 00:33:27,384
What?
I thought you knew where it was.
640
00:33:27,555 --> 00:33:29,648
No, dude. I was fucking half drunk.
641
00:33:29,824 --> 00:33:32,384
-I don't know precisely where it is.
-You said you knew.
642
00:33:32,560 --> 00:33:33,584
-I said that?
-Yeah.
643
00:33:33,761 --> 00:33:37,128
I can't be held accountable for the things
that come out of my mouth.
644
00:33:40,301 --> 00:33:44,738
I'd just like to remind everyone that
we're going down a strange, dark alley...
645
00:33:44,906 --> 00:33:47,966
...on the advice of a drunken hobo.
646
00:33:48,142 --> 00:33:50,167
So?
647
00:33:50,344 --> 00:33:52,676
Yeah, I don't really see a problem, either.
648
00:33:52,847 --> 00:33:54,508
All right. This has gotta be it.
649
00:33:54,682 --> 00:33:56,877
This spot. It must be.
650
00:33:58,219 --> 00:34:01,154
What's up, man? How's it going?
You having a good night?
651
00:34:02,390 --> 00:34:03,880
Cool.
652
00:34:04,058 --> 00:34:06,549
All right
653
00:34:13,434 --> 00:34:17,200
Break me down
You got a lovely face
654
00:34:17,371 --> 00:34:19,362
We're going to your place
655
00:34:19,540 --> 00:34:22,976
But now you got to
Freak me out
656
00:34:23,144 --> 00:34:26,602
Scream so loud
Get fucking laid
657
00:34:26,781 --> 00:34:29,682
You want me to stay
658
00:34:29,851 --> 00:34:32,513
But I got to make my way
659
00:34:33,020 --> 00:34:34,885
Hey
You're a crazy bitch
660
00:34:35,056 --> 00:34:37,456
But you fuck so good
I'm on top of it
661
00:34:37,625 --> 00:34:40,185
When I dream
I'm doing you all night
662
00:34:40,361 --> 00:34:41,555
Scratches all down my back
663
00:34:41,729 --> 00:34:43,094
Oh, that's a hundred.
664
00:34:44,832 --> 00:34:46,060
Oh, man.
665
00:34:47,502 --> 00:34:49,470
I'm going with you.
666
00:34:50,505 --> 00:34:52,530
-Hey.
-How are you doing?
667
00:34:52,707 --> 00:34:54,004
-You're a maniac.
-Let's sit.
668
00:34:54,175 --> 00:34:56,507
-Great.
-I'm better now that you came....
669
00:34:56,677 --> 00:35:00,272
Unless your breasts expel vodka and tonic,
you can feel free to leave.
670
00:35:00,448 --> 00:35:04,248
Oh, don't worry, baby,
the drinks will be here any minute.
671
00:35:04,685 --> 00:35:07,950
Well, in the meantime,
I am obligated to inform you...
672
00:35:08,122 --> 00:35:12,889
...pursuant to Megan's Law,
that I am a convicted sex offender.
673
00:35:13,060 --> 00:35:14,288
So how old are you?
674
00:35:15,797 --> 00:35:18,630
Okay, fine. Rape's not funny,
but murder can be.
675
00:35:19,367 --> 00:35:20,766
Murder's not funny either.
676
00:35:20,935 --> 00:35:23,460
Maybe not to you,
but if the murderer was a clown...
677
00:35:23,638 --> 00:35:26,198
...that would be funny to me.
678
00:35:26,374 --> 00:35:27,398
How is that funny?
679
00:35:27,575 --> 00:35:33,377
Because he is happy on the outside
but sad on the inside.
680
00:35:33,915 --> 00:35:35,075
What?
681
00:35:35,249 --> 00:35:37,649
Sad clown wanna kill somebody?
682
00:35:41,289 --> 00:35:43,223
-Tear.
-Get away from me. Don't touch me.
683
00:35:43,391 --> 00:35:44,983
Wait. Here. Here.
684
00:35:45,159 --> 00:35:49,118
-What's wrong with him?
-Oh, he had a bad breakup.
685
00:35:49,297 --> 00:35:50,491
You have a friend for him?
686
00:35:50,665 --> 00:35:52,565
My friends would never put up with that.
687
00:35:52,733 --> 00:35:55,566
Okay, I'm gonna call
a quick timeout here...
688
00:35:55,736 --> 00:35:57,795
...while the lesser comedians
of the group...
689
00:35:57,972 --> 00:36:00,497
...have a chance
to make their own stripper abuse joke.
690
00:36:00,675 --> 00:36:02,165
-What is your prob--?
-Chh!
691
00:36:02,343 --> 00:36:03,867
I would rather mainline Drano...
692
00:36:04,045 --> 00:36:06,570
...than listen to another second
of your whore prattle.
693
00:36:06,747 --> 00:36:10,581
-Less talkie. More booby. Now.
-You know what, I don't need this.
694
00:36:10,751 --> 00:36:13,345
Said the fat girl to the cupcake.
695
00:36:13,521 --> 00:36:14,613
-I'm sorry.
-Bye, whore.
696
00:36:14,789 --> 00:36:16,313
Candy, I'll miss you.
697
00:36:16,490 --> 00:36:19,618
-Bambi, I thought we had something.
-Three down, only 97 more to go.
698
00:36:19,794 --> 00:36:20,920
Good job, dumb-ass.
699
00:36:32,740 --> 00:36:35,868
And now coming to the auxiliary stage...
700
00:36:36,043 --> 00:36:39,240
...she has Russian hands
and Roman fingers.
701
00:36:39,413 --> 00:36:41,973
Give it up for Natasha.
702
00:36:42,149 --> 00:36:44,845
--for the heart
703
00:36:45,019 --> 00:36:48,546
Dull headache
704
00:36:48,723 --> 00:36:53,524
This is just the start
Of a mad pursuit
705
00:36:53,694 --> 00:37:01,624
Chasing down the telephone wire
706
00:37:01,802 --> 00:37:09,208
Racing down the road
You can�t lose her
707
00:37:09,377 --> 00:37:12,676
You'll try to skip town
She'll find you
708
00:37:12,847 --> 00:37:16,146
Are you guys drinking water?
We don't allow Mormons in here.
709
00:37:16,317 --> 00:37:18,342
Yes, but we're also drinking
Thug Passion.
710
00:37:18,519 --> 00:37:22,785
It's what your mom put in your bottle so
she could watch Young and the Restless.
711
00:37:22,957 --> 00:37:26,051
My mom used bourbon.
All the sugar in cognac made me hyper.
712
00:37:26,494 --> 00:37:28,792
And judging by the distance
between your eyes...
713
00:37:28,963 --> 00:37:32,023
...I'd say your mom drank it all
while you were still in the womb.
714
00:37:33,901 --> 00:37:35,459
Did she just make a fetal alcohol joke?
715
00:37:35,636 --> 00:37:37,604
-Whoa!
-Wait, wait, wait.
716
00:37:38,539 --> 00:37:40,404
When you're done changing
or whatever...
717
00:37:40,574 --> 00:37:43,042
...come back over here
and keep talking shit to him.
718
00:37:43,210 --> 00:37:44,507
-Please.
-Thank you.
719
00:37:47,615 --> 00:37:49,446
-Oh, God.
-Which one do you want?
720
00:37:49,617 --> 00:37:52,552
-I'll take the--
-I'll take the one in the pink.
721
00:37:52,720 --> 00:37:55,689
And now coming to
the main stage, she's magic on the bowl.
722
00:37:55,856 --> 00:37:56,914
She's Whoredini.
723
00:37:57,091 --> 00:38:01,755
If we get a champagne room,
we can do anything we want.
724
00:38:01,929 --> 00:38:04,124
If we get a hotel room,
we can do anything too.
725
00:38:04,298 --> 00:38:07,290
True. But then I don't get paid.
726
00:38:07,468 --> 00:38:09,095
I'll give you $20.
727
00:38:09,270 --> 00:38:11,135
It's more like 400, baby.
728
00:38:11,305 --> 00:38:13,364
-Four hundred?
-Oh, yeah.
729
00:38:13,541 --> 00:38:18,843
But you're cute and funny.
I'll do it for 350.
730
00:38:19,313 --> 00:38:22,009
-Twenty-five.
-Three hundred and twenty-five?
731
00:38:22,183 --> 00:38:23,309
No, just 25.
733
00:38:24,785 --> 00:38:27,777
I have to pay the club $1 00
just to get the room for an hour.
734
00:38:27,955 --> 00:38:30,423
That's okay.
My attention span won't last for an hour.
735
00:38:32,860 --> 00:38:34,691
-Asshole.
-I'll give you $30.
736
00:38:34,862 --> 00:38:37,922
-That won't even buy our drinks.
-Oh, shit.
737
00:38:38,399 --> 00:38:39,627
That's what you get.
738
00:38:39,800 --> 00:38:42,735
Hold on. If I'm so cute and funny,
why are you even charging me?
739
00:38:42,903 --> 00:38:44,666
That's no way to start a relationship.
740
00:38:44,839 --> 00:38:48,036
Who said I wanted a relationship?
I already have a boyfriend.
741
00:38:48,209 --> 00:38:51,076
I don't want that kind of relationship.
I just wanna fuck you.
742
00:38:51,245 --> 00:38:54,112
-Just fuck me?
-Yeah, I'd make a great fuck buddy.
743
00:38:54,281 --> 00:38:58,081
All right, potential fuck buddy,
how big is your dick?
744
00:38:58,252 --> 00:38:59,583
How big is your mouth?
745
00:38:59,754 --> 00:39:02,086
She's got eyes as big as her titties.
746
00:39:02,256 --> 00:39:07,319
And, boy, is she a cute little piece of tail.
It's Bambi.
747
00:39:20,341 --> 00:39:21,831
If you must know...
748
00:39:22,009 --> 00:39:25,604
...my parents yelled at me,
sent me to my room and ignored me.
749
00:39:26,113 --> 00:39:29,674
If I was your mom, I would have
locked you up and ignored you too.
750
00:39:29,850 --> 00:39:34,446
If you were my mom, I would've been raised
by a talentless hooker rather than a shrew.
751
00:39:34,622 --> 00:39:35,748
There's a win-win.
752
00:39:35,923 --> 00:39:38,221
You're awfully bitter
for a pasty-faced shut-in.
753
00:39:38,392 --> 00:39:41,987
Always been this mean, or did some girl
just trade you in for a better model?
754
00:39:42,163 --> 00:39:43,494
Holy shit.
755
00:39:43,664 --> 00:39:46,861
She's like a hot Miss Cleo.
Yeah, his girlfriend did just dump him.
756
00:39:47,034 --> 00:39:48,558
For Grillionaire, of all people.
757
00:39:48,736 --> 00:39:50,169
Grillionaire?
758
00:39:50,337 --> 00:39:54,330
Like, "how they do, baby"?
Grillionaire with the diamonds on his teeth?
759
00:39:54,842 --> 00:39:56,309
Oh, wow.
760
00:39:56,477 --> 00:40:01,779
She may be a vacuous slut with no taste,
but at least she's not a stripper.
761
00:40:01,949 --> 00:40:03,211
You think you're so clever.
762
00:40:03,651 --> 00:40:06,176
I know a hundred insecure assholes
just like you.
763
00:40:06,353 --> 00:40:09,811
I'm sure all your mother's boyfriends
were great guys.
764
00:40:09,990 --> 00:40:12,117
If I had a dollar
for every broken-home joke...
765
00:40:12,293 --> 00:40:14,761
...I'd have enough to buy
Comic-Con tickets for you...
766
00:40:14,929 --> 00:40:17,830
...and all the other orc-mage failures
on your buddy list.
767
00:40:19,867 --> 00:40:21,425
Whatever, I've gotta go.
768
00:40:21,602 --> 00:40:23,092
Whoa! No, no, no.
769
00:40:23,504 --> 00:40:25,096
-Stay, please.
-Finish him.
770
00:40:25,272 --> 00:40:28,469
-No, I've gotta get home soon.
-You need to keep talking shit to him.
771
00:40:28,642 --> 00:40:32,442
Yeah, he can't stand it when a woman
that gets the best of him. Stay, please.
772
00:40:32,613 --> 00:40:35,013
That's unfortunate
because he's a good-looking guy.
773
00:40:35,182 --> 00:40:37,446
I've learned my lesson
with guys like your friend.
774
00:40:37,618 --> 00:40:38,642
No, he's different.
775
00:40:38,819 --> 00:40:41,219
I promise you,
there is a flower inside that onion.
776
00:40:41,388 --> 00:40:43,822
-You just have to peel back the layers...
-Peel away.
777
00:40:43,991 --> 00:40:45,515
...and fight back the tears.
778
00:40:45,693 --> 00:40:48,719
-I'll pay your rate. Just talk shit to him.
-Please.
779
00:40:49,763 --> 00:40:51,560
He needs this.
780
00:40:53,501 --> 00:40:55,492
Dance, monkey.
781
00:40:55,669 --> 00:40:57,967
Dance for your dollar.
782
00:40:58,906 --> 00:41:00,271
Could've done without that.
783
00:41:00,441 --> 00:41:02,500
-I'll pick it up for you.
-You can keep that.
784
00:41:02,676 --> 00:41:04,644
All I have to do is insult him?
No dancing?
785
00:41:04,812 --> 00:41:06,871
-That's it.
-Great.
786
00:41:07,448 --> 00:41:09,382
-I can't believe that worked.
-Fuck.
787
00:41:11,285 --> 00:41:12,843
He might have you there.
788
00:41:13,020 --> 00:41:14,647
I'm Lara.
789
00:41:14,822 --> 00:41:15,948
What's your name?
790
00:41:16,991 --> 00:41:19,391
It's Drew, but why don't we
skip the pleasantries...
791
00:41:19,560 --> 00:41:22,085
...and go to the part
where you call me Captain Kirk...
792
00:41:22,263 --> 00:41:24,925
...and give me a hand job in the alley?
793
00:41:25,232 --> 00:41:27,666
You're a Star Trek nerd?
794
00:41:27,835 --> 00:41:29,564
Color me shocked.
795
00:41:29,737 --> 00:41:32,729
Live long and prosper, dork.
796
00:41:32,907 --> 00:41:34,499
Okay, I'm a dork?
797
00:41:34,675 --> 00:41:38,008
You are the one with
a video-game character's name.
798
00:41:39,246 --> 00:41:43,080
Genius. That game came out
after I was born.
799
00:41:43,250 --> 00:41:44,842
I was named after Agustin Lara.
800
00:41:45,019 --> 00:41:46,452
Wait, wait, wait, who is that?
801
00:41:46,620 --> 00:41:49,282
A famous Mexican intellectual.
802
00:41:50,558 --> 00:41:52,048
That's a funny joke.
803
00:41:52,226 --> 00:41:55,286
No funnier than you catching your
girlfriend blowing Grillionaire.
804
00:41:55,963 --> 00:41:59,558
Body blow, body blow,
body blow, left hook.
805
00:42:00,034 --> 00:42:03,197
Wait a second, wait a second.
You like "Mike Tyson Punch Out"?
806
00:42:03,370 --> 00:42:04,632
Bullshit, bullshit.
807
00:42:04,805 --> 00:42:06,830
Who was your favorite guy
to fight? Quick.
808
00:42:07,007 --> 00:42:10,135
Soda Popinski, because he was
drinking a 40 in his picture.
809
00:42:10,744 --> 00:42:13,645
Oh! Dude, this is your dream girl.
810
00:42:13,814 --> 00:42:15,281
If you don't make this happen...
811
00:42:15,449 --> 00:42:18,077
...you will be a disgrace
to the entire "Halo" community.
812
00:42:18,252 --> 00:42:22,018
-How dare you?
-Oh, I will destroy you in "Halo."
813
00:42:22,189 --> 00:42:23,588
Oh, yeah, sure you will.
814
00:42:23,757 --> 00:42:26,885
And you're an exotic dancer,
not a stripper.
815
00:42:27,061 --> 00:42:28,255
You can't handle a girl...
816
00:42:28,429 --> 00:42:30,556
...who's better than you
at some stupid game?
817
00:42:30,731 --> 00:42:32,824
Okay, you can beat me at "Halo"?
818
00:42:33,000 --> 00:42:36,060
Hey, while we're in this fantasy land...
819
00:42:36,237 --> 00:42:38,865
...why don't we drive your flying car
over to the bank...
820
00:42:39,039 --> 00:42:41,030
...and get you approved for a home loan.
821
00:42:41,208 --> 00:42:45,645
-I bet $100 she'll beat you in "Halo."
-I'm not betting on a video game.
822
00:42:45,813 --> 00:42:47,110
Gambling is illegal.
823
00:42:47,281 --> 00:42:48,908
What?
825
00:42:51,885 --> 00:42:53,443
I smell pussy.
826
00:42:53,621 --> 00:42:55,589
Then douche before work.
827
00:42:55,756 --> 00:42:56,916
Two hundred dollars.
828
00:42:57,992 --> 00:42:59,289
I'm not-- I can't leave--
829
00:42:59,460 --> 00:43:01,587
Dan's bachelor party
is the reason we're here.
830
00:43:01,762 --> 00:43:03,821
No, don't let me keep you here.
831
00:43:03,998 --> 00:43:07,991
Nothing would make me happier than
to see her whip your ass at a video game.
832
00:43:08,469 --> 00:43:13,566
I would consider it if we had a place
to play and I had my special controller.
833
00:43:13,741 --> 00:43:16,904
Well, you're in luck,
because my shift just ended.
834
00:43:17,077 --> 00:43:19,011
We can play at my house,
I have everything.
835
00:43:19,179 --> 00:43:22,080
Except your candy-ass little controller.
836
00:43:22,549 --> 00:43:24,107
-Then it's a bet.
-No.
837
00:43:24,285 --> 00:43:28,119
I'm not going
to some vile stripper den.
838
00:43:28,289 --> 00:43:30,814
You know her baby daddy
is just waiting there for me...
839
00:43:30,991 --> 00:43:35,655
-...so he can roll me and steal my organs.
-How are you friends with this guy?
840
00:43:35,829 --> 00:43:38,798
-I have no idea how you're attracted to him.
-I don't know.
841
00:43:38,966 --> 00:43:41,901
Probably has something to do with
my caustic sense of humor...
842
00:43:42,069 --> 00:43:45,800
...and the inability of your various
stepfathers to show you any affection.
843
00:43:47,207 --> 00:43:48,572
Probably.
845
00:43:50,044 --> 00:43:52,274
Fellas, I've got a message
from the bar staff.
846
00:43:52,446 --> 00:43:58,316
Tonight's house special is Thug's Passion
and it's two for one.
847
00:43:58,485 --> 00:44:00,453
-Hey, honey, what�s up?
-Hey.
848
00:44:00,621 --> 00:44:01,883
You've finally calmed down?
849
00:44:02,056 --> 00:44:04,115
Yeah. You know,
I'm not mad at you anymore.
850
00:44:04,558 --> 00:44:05,957
Gee, thanks.
851
00:44:06,126 --> 00:44:07,889
-Are you having fun?
-Oh, yeah.
852
00:44:08,062 --> 00:44:09,757
Strip clubs are all the same.
853
00:44:09,930 --> 00:44:11,830
How's Tucker handling
the no-touch rule?
854
00:44:12,700 --> 00:44:14,793
You know, he's coping.
855
00:44:14,968 --> 00:44:18,404
Welcome to the stage,
she's got plenty of fright...
856
00:44:18,572 --> 00:44:19,834
...with none of the height.
857
00:44:20,007 --> 00:44:22,498
She's Salem�s very own Rainbow Sprite.
858
00:44:22,676 --> 00:44:24,803
-Dan, where are you?
-A club.
859
00:44:24,978 --> 00:44:27,139
No, where are you? Geographically.
860
00:44:27,314 --> 00:44:29,043
Um....
861
00:44:29,216 --> 00:44:30,513
Close by.
862
00:44:34,855 --> 00:44:36,288
I can't believe this.
863
00:44:36,457 --> 00:44:40,086
Young man, I don't think
we're gonna need this anymore.
864
00:44:40,260 --> 00:44:42,854
-Put Drew on the phone.
-He's leaving with a stripper.
865
00:44:43,030 --> 00:44:45,726
Dan, we both know that's ridiculous.
Put Drew on the phone.
866
00:44:45,899 --> 00:44:47,127
Hey. It's Kristy.
867
00:44:47,301 --> 00:44:49,826
She wants to talk to you.
She thinks we're in Richmond.
868
00:44:50,003 --> 00:44:52,665
-Just tell her we're in Richmond.
-Yeah.
869
00:44:53,407 --> 00:44:55,170
-Hi, Kristy.
-Drew, where are you guys?
870
00:44:55,342 --> 00:44:58,709
We're at a strip club in Salem. Gotta go.
871
00:44:59,179 --> 00:45:00,578
I'm not lying for you cretins.
872
00:45:00,748 --> 00:45:03,740
My moral compass doesn't point
directly down my pants.
873
00:45:03,917 --> 00:45:05,111
Dude, what did--?
874
00:45:05,285 --> 00:45:06,752
What do you--?
875
00:45:07,087 --> 00:45:09,146
-Fuck.
-Fuck.
876
00:45:09,523 --> 00:45:11,548
Dan, why did you go to Salem?
877
00:45:11,725 --> 00:45:13,693
I don't know. Tucker....
878
00:45:13,861 --> 00:45:15,123
Again, Dan?
879
00:45:15,295 --> 00:45:16,660
Again with the Tucker.
880
00:45:16,830 --> 00:45:18,127
What are you, his keeper?
881
00:45:18,565 --> 00:45:22,262
Is that what you are? You just hang out,
swoop in and save him and take the hit?
882
00:45:22,436 --> 00:45:25,132
-I don't know.
-I don't understand why you lied to me.
883
00:45:26,407 --> 00:45:28,967
We promised that we'd always be honest
with each other.
884
00:45:29,143 --> 00:45:31,236
I don't know why we lied. I just--
885
00:45:31,412 --> 00:45:34,711
Enough with the "we."
I don't care why Tucker did what he did.
886
00:45:35,182 --> 00:45:36,342
I only care what you did.
887
00:45:39,052 --> 00:45:41,043
Honey, you're really that mad?
888
00:45:41,655 --> 00:45:43,885
I don't know what to think. I gotta go.
889
00:45:45,993 --> 00:45:47,324
Fuck.
890
00:45:49,830 --> 00:45:51,821
Well, that's the last time I listen to you.
891
00:45:51,999 --> 00:45:54,695
Dude, whatever, she'll get over it.
Tell her it's my fault.
892
00:45:54,868 --> 00:45:56,392
It is your fucking fault.
893
00:45:56,804 --> 00:45:59,534
Six of one. Dude, don't sweat it, man.
894
00:45:59,706 --> 00:46:01,833
What happens in Salem, stays in Salem.
895
00:46:02,009 --> 00:46:05,740
Well, clearly it doesn't. My fianc�e,
who I lied to because of you, asshole...
896
00:46:05,913 --> 00:46:07,574
...is in Richmond and she's pissed.
897
00:46:07,748 --> 00:46:09,648
It's all right. Here.
898
00:46:10,484 --> 00:46:15,217
This is the 20-minute call
for all dancers to the main stage...
899
00:46:15,389 --> 00:46:20,053
...because it is time
for bachelor party duty.
900
00:46:20,227 --> 00:46:22,024
-Dude.
-Someone needs a spanking.
901
00:46:22,196 --> 00:46:24,460
Dude, this is it, this is it.
902
00:46:24,631 --> 00:46:26,360
You need a spanking, man. This is it.
903
00:46:26,533 --> 00:46:29,525
Are you fired up?
This is for you, go out on stage, man.
904
00:46:30,270 --> 00:46:32,864
She's my cherry pie
905
00:46:33,040 --> 00:46:35,440
Cool drink of water
Such a sweet surprise
906
00:46:35,609 --> 00:46:38,407
Let's give it
up for Rainbow Sprite, everybody.
907
00:46:38,846 --> 00:46:41,076
I'll be right back. Stay there.
908
00:46:41,248 --> 00:46:42,579
Take your time, dickhead.
909
00:46:43,450 --> 00:46:44,974
-Where are you going?
-I just, um--
910
00:46:45,152 --> 00:46:47,211
-I'll be right back.
-What about your friend?
911
00:46:47,387 --> 00:46:50,185
Oh, he's fine. He's fine.
Don't worry about him. Big boy.
912
00:47:00,567 --> 00:47:01,591
Fuck.
913
00:47:02,903 --> 00:47:05,235
Hey, I'm Gulliver. How are you doing?
914
00:47:08,475 --> 00:47:11,171
She's sweet and sticky,
but she won't give you a cavity.
915
00:47:11,345 --> 00:47:13,609
-Fuck.
-Let's say hello to Candy.
916
00:47:14,047 --> 00:47:17,881
This place sucks. You wanna get
out of here? Do something more fun?
917
00:47:30,931 --> 00:47:33,195
I need to tell you something
before we go inside.
918
00:47:33,367 --> 00:47:35,232
Oh, I fucking knew it.
919
00:47:35,402 --> 00:47:37,927
I'm gonna get jumped.
They're gonna take my kidneys.
920
00:47:38,105 --> 00:47:41,836
No. I have a son. He'll be asleep.
921
00:47:42,009 --> 00:47:46,070
But I wanted to tell you before you tripped
over his army men in the living room.
922
00:47:51,451 --> 00:47:52,713
What's his name?
923
00:47:52,886 --> 00:47:56,344
Jack. He's 7.
924
00:47:57,758 --> 00:48:01,125
Is he named after his baby daddy
or the liquor on which he was conceived?
925
00:48:01,295 --> 00:48:04,696
Neither. It's just a strong name.
926
00:48:04,865 --> 00:48:07,425
I think a little boy needs a strong name.
927
00:48:07,601 --> 00:48:09,569
I'm not a fan
of those androgynous names...
928
00:48:09,736 --> 00:48:12,227
...like Pat or Jesse or Drew.
929
00:48:13,707 --> 00:48:15,504
Bitch.
930
00:48:17,044 --> 00:48:19,103
I can't say I'm shocked.
931
00:48:19,279 --> 00:48:24,012
Having a kid is one of the top three excuses
strippers use to justify their career choice.
932
00:48:24,585 --> 00:48:25,711
Really?
933
00:48:26,320 --> 00:48:27,810
And what are the other two?
934
00:48:27,988 --> 00:48:30,957
The paying my way through college lie
heads up that list.
935
00:48:31,124 --> 00:48:33,388
That's in the Whore Logic Hall of Fame.
936
00:48:43,303 --> 00:48:46,670
And the other one?
937
00:48:47,174 --> 00:48:51,804
It's better than being a hooker
or doing porn.
938
00:48:54,247 --> 00:48:58,707
You know,
strippers don't actually say that.
939
00:48:58,885 --> 00:49:02,286
Bullshit, they don't.
You need to watch Maury Povich.
940
00:49:06,126 --> 00:49:09,095
Jack, aren't you supposed to be in bed?
941
00:49:09,262 --> 00:49:10,991
Bunny said I could stay up and play.
942
00:49:11,164 --> 00:49:15,191
But it doesn't matter.
Your bedtime is your bedtime.
943
00:49:19,206 --> 00:49:20,230
Greetings.
944
00:49:24,978 --> 00:49:26,377
Uh....
945
00:49:29,149 --> 00:49:30,639
The army men the good guys?
946
00:49:33,086 --> 00:49:36,249
I see you have
some robot truck men here too.
947
00:49:36,423 --> 00:49:38,050
You shouldn't mix genres like that.
948
00:49:38,225 --> 00:49:42,889
It screws up the morale
and jeopardizes the efficacy of your tactics.
949
00:49:44,531 --> 00:49:46,294
Okay, I guess we can work with it.
950
00:49:47,300 --> 00:49:50,292
What exactly are you playing?
951
00:49:52,005 --> 00:49:57,341
Well, the GI Bobs
are gonna surprise attack those Legos.
952
00:50:01,882 --> 00:50:05,010
I know that you are but 7 years old.
953
00:50:06,186 --> 00:50:09,622
This rigmarole you have here
just won't work.
954
00:50:09,923 --> 00:50:11,618
Your flanks are exposed.
955
00:50:11,792 --> 00:50:15,091
You're vulnerable to an enfilade
from Lego artillery.
956
00:50:15,262 --> 00:50:19,460
I think it's time
that you learn the proper way...
957
00:50:19,633 --> 00:50:21,260
...to set up an L-shaped ambush.
958
00:50:24,237 --> 00:50:25,636
What's a flank?
959
00:50:29,009 --> 00:50:30,169
It's a good thing I came.
960
00:50:30,444 --> 00:50:32,844
And now, it's time
for our man of the hour...
961
00:50:33,013 --> 00:50:35,038
...our bachelor of the night.
962
00:50:35,215 --> 00:50:37,206
Give it up for Big Dan.
964
00:50:57,504 --> 00:50:59,131
I had a baby named Jane
965
00:50:59,306 --> 00:51:00,330
She could shake that thing
966
00:51:00,507 --> 00:51:02,998
Said her daddy used to hang
With Johnny Coltrane
967
00:51:03,176 --> 00:51:05,542
She sang a soul train
With a friend named Jen
968
00:51:05,712 --> 00:51:08,112
Her booty was bigger
Than a Mercedes-Benz
970
00:51:23,163 --> 00:51:24,790
No, no, no.
971
00:51:25,232 --> 00:51:26,961
I said off.
972
00:51:28,335 --> 00:51:29,359
No, no, no.
975
00:51:44,651 --> 00:51:45,879
You asshole.
976
00:51:48,188 --> 00:51:51,055
-Get on your feet.
-Come on, asshole. Party's over.
977
00:51:51,224 --> 00:51:53,715
-Yeah.
-Get out of here.
978
00:51:56,296 --> 00:51:58,127
That's it.
979
00:52:00,467 --> 00:52:01,934
-Asshole.
-Okay.
980
00:52:02,435 --> 00:52:07,168
Your army men are set up
in the perfect ambush.
981
00:52:07,340 --> 00:52:12,778
Once the Legos get to the kill zone,
no matter what they do, they're toast.
982
00:52:12,946 --> 00:52:13,935
Yes.
984
00:52:16,116 --> 00:52:18,914
You might not grow up to be a failure
at life after all, kid.
985
00:52:19,519 --> 00:52:23,819
Okay. Now it's time for bed.
986
00:52:23,990 --> 00:52:29,292
Say thank you to Drew for teaching you
how to attack your Legos.
987
00:52:29,462 --> 00:52:31,089
Thanks, Drew.
988
00:52:31,264 --> 00:52:34,722
Tomorrow can you teach me
other ambushes?
989
00:52:34,901 --> 00:52:38,234
I think I've stunted your growth
enough for one week.
990
00:52:39,573 --> 00:52:42,633
But maybe next time I can teach you
how to use standoffish humor...
991
00:52:42,809 --> 00:52:46,404
...as a mask for your inability
to relate to people on a personal level.
992
00:52:46,580 --> 00:52:48,605
Yay.
993
00:52:48,782 --> 00:52:50,409
-Yeah.
-Good night, Drew.
994
00:52:50,584 --> 00:52:52,142
Good night, Jack.
995
00:53:05,165 --> 00:53:06,632
Fuck.
996
00:53:12,205 --> 00:53:13,604
What the hell are you doing?
997
00:53:16,142 --> 00:53:18,076
Oh, uh....
998
00:53:18,411 --> 00:53:21,107
Don't mind me, boys.
I'm just baking a quiche.
999
00:53:21,715 --> 00:53:24,240
Are you pissing?
That's an actual offense.
1000
00:53:24,417 --> 00:53:26,078
Ooh.
1001
00:53:27,921 --> 00:53:31,687
-Mr. Plastic-Badge gonna give me a ticket?
-What the fuck did you just say?
1002
00:53:31,858 --> 00:53:33,985
How will I ever face my life again?
1003
00:53:34,694 --> 00:53:36,559
Let me ask you something,
Deputy Dipshit.
1004
00:53:38,031 --> 00:53:39,760
Are you a cop...
1005
00:53:39,933 --> 00:53:44,336
...because you have a GED or because
you have erectile dysfunction?
1006
00:53:44,838 --> 00:53:46,601
-I'm really curious to know.
-Hey, hey.
1007
00:53:46,773 --> 00:53:48,866
-Are you goddamn shitting me?
-What the fuck?
1008
00:53:49,709 --> 00:53:52,234
Fuck. Fuck.
1009
00:53:52,879 --> 00:53:54,540
"You didn't lie to her, Dan. I did."
1010
00:53:54,714 --> 00:53:56,375
"You didn't lie to her, Dan. I did."
1011
00:53:56,549 --> 00:53:59,643
Stupid shit. You know what they did?
They left me at a strip club.
1012
00:53:59,819 --> 00:54:01,787
My friends are fucking idiots.
1013
00:54:01,955 --> 00:54:06,153
"And the syrup nugget, it explodes in your
mouth and then I'll skull fuck you."
1014
00:54:06,326 --> 00:54:08,385
Fucking stupid.
1015
00:54:08,929 --> 00:54:12,660
Fuck it. I gotta get the fuck out of here
and call her. I don't have friends.
1016
00:54:12,832 --> 00:54:14,197
My friends are douche bags.
1017
00:54:14,367 --> 00:54:17,859
You guys are probably more fun
to hang out with than my fucking friends.
1018
00:54:18,038 --> 00:54:20,199
They're fucking stupid.
1019
00:54:21,741 --> 00:54:23,265
All I wanted was a bouncy castle.
1020
00:54:23,443 --> 00:54:26,003
A bouncy castle at the reception.
Just a bouncy castle.
1021
00:54:26,179 --> 00:54:29,376
I gotta get out. Gotta call my wife.
She's never gonna take me back.
1022
00:54:29,816 --> 00:54:33,616
Who's with me? Who's with me?
Somebody has gotta be with me.
1023
00:54:33,787 --> 00:54:36,847
I am the only one who speaks English.
1024
00:54:37,290 --> 00:54:39,884
-That's no problem, �se.
-What?
1026
00:54:47,567 --> 00:54:49,159
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
1027
00:54:49,336 --> 00:54:51,304
Yeah.
1028
00:54:51,471 --> 00:54:54,440
Who's with me? Who--? Yeah.
1029
00:54:59,112 --> 00:55:00,306
Revolution!
1030
00:55:03,783 --> 00:55:07,275
-Hey, look, it's the cops.
-All right, assholes. Last chance.
1031
00:55:09,222 --> 00:55:10,814
What the hell is going on in here?
1032
00:55:10,991 --> 00:55:14,893
Holy shit, it's like Police Academy,
only gayer.
1033
00:55:16,429 --> 00:55:17,896
And you....
1034
00:55:18,064 --> 00:55:20,862
-Lights out, motherfucker.
-It's a fucking joke, it's a joke.
1035
00:55:25,566 --> 00:55:28,626
"Halo 1� shotgun gun wizard
was the best board.
1036
00:55:28,803 --> 00:55:30,498
Totally.
1037
00:55:32,039 --> 00:55:33,631
Jack's a good kid.
1038
00:55:33,808 --> 00:55:35,571
Damn it.
1039
00:55:35,976 --> 00:55:37,136
Thanks.
1040
00:55:37,311 --> 00:55:40,246
I mean, I usually wanna kick most kids
into a wood chipper.
1041
00:55:41,615 --> 00:55:43,742
How are you kicking my ass?
1042
00:55:43,918 --> 00:55:45,715
That means a lot.
1043
00:55:45,886 --> 00:55:47,786
He's had a tough time since his dad left.
1044
00:55:50,758 --> 00:55:52,020
I told you I was better.
1045
00:55:52,193 --> 00:55:54,855
-I can beat Koreans.
-Why did he leave?
1046
00:55:56,497 --> 00:56:00,228
Son of a bitch,
where are you even shooting me from?
1047
00:56:00,401 --> 00:56:02,232
He thought
that I was cheating on him...
1048
00:56:02,403 --> 00:56:05,930
...so he decided to get even
and screw anything that moved.
1049
00:56:06,774 --> 00:56:08,332
Were you?
1050
00:56:09,443 --> 00:56:10,910
I mean, it wouldn't surprise me.
1051
00:56:11,078 --> 00:56:14,275
Your whole gender
is hardwired for whoredom.
1052
00:56:14,448 --> 00:56:16,006
Are you in pink armor?
1053
00:56:16,183 --> 00:56:18,777
I hate it when men
randomly bash women.
1054
00:56:18,953 --> 00:56:22,389
It's like this pathetic defense mechanism
you guys put up...
1055
00:56:22,556 --> 00:56:26,287
...when you know you're attracted
to a woman who might not be into you.
1056
00:56:27,128 --> 00:56:29,392
-That's not-- That's not true.
-Yes, it is.
1057
00:56:29,563 --> 00:56:31,622
It's so much easier
to call a girl a whore...
1058
00:56:31,799 --> 00:56:34,927
...than it is to admit to yourself
she's out of your league.
1059
00:56:35,202 --> 00:56:38,365
That is some whore logic
if I've ever heard it.
1060
00:56:39,740 --> 00:56:43,301
Anyone is capable
of being a whore, Drew.
1061
00:56:43,477 --> 00:56:46,071
Being a woman
doesn't de facto make you one.
1062
00:56:46,247 --> 00:56:49,148
It does if you're
a cum-guzzling demon slut.
1063
00:56:49,316 --> 00:56:50,908
Fine.
1064
00:56:51,085 --> 00:56:54,987
But your ex is only representative of herself,
not her whole gender.
1065
00:56:55,856 --> 00:56:58,916
Her actions don't make me a whore
simply because we're both women.
1066
00:57:03,597 --> 00:57:05,292
Did you cheat?
1067
00:57:06,834 --> 00:57:07,858
No.
1068
00:57:13,741 --> 00:57:16,801
If you ever wanna find love again
you're gonna have to get over...
1069
00:57:16,977 --> 00:57:19,844
...these childish notions that you have.
1070
00:57:20,414 --> 00:57:21,938
If you don't...
1071
00:57:22,116 --> 00:57:26,712
...your personal life will remain
the steaming pile of shit that it is now.
1072
00:57:28,289 --> 00:57:31,690
Game over. Killing frenzy.
1073
00:57:33,961 --> 00:57:35,428
Motherfucker.
1074
00:57:36,163 --> 00:57:37,528
You're the pink mist.
1075
00:57:39,200 --> 00:57:43,034
If I kiss you, will you shut up already?
1076
00:58:11,465 --> 00:58:14,662
-Are you okay?
-Yeah, I'm okay.
1077
00:59:25,239 --> 00:59:26,570
Where am I?
1078
00:59:27,641 --> 00:59:29,302
Uh, uh....
1080
00:59:34,548 --> 00:59:37,039
Drunk tank, �se.
1082
00:59:47,027 --> 00:59:48,756
That's disgusting.
1083
00:59:48,929 --> 00:59:51,625
I hope that wasn't one of you guys.
1084
00:59:52,132 --> 00:59:54,259
Fuck. Can I make a call, man?
1085
00:59:54,435 --> 00:59:55,993
Sorry.
1087
01:00:07,514 --> 01:00:09,539
-Operator.
-Yeah, hi.
1088
01:00:09,717 --> 01:00:12,811
I need to make a collect call...
1089
01:00:12,987 --> 01:00:19,392
...to 323-351 -7640.
1090
01:00:19,560 --> 01:00:20,857
State your name after the beep.
1092
01:00:22,229 --> 01:00:23,890
It's Dan.
1094
01:00:39,546 --> 01:00:41,639
-Operator.
-Uh, yeah.
1095
01:00:41,815 --> 01:00:44,010
Can you try...
1096
01:00:44,284 --> 01:00:50,348
...281 -555-8009?
1097
01:00:50,524 --> 01:00:51,855
State your name after the beep.
1099
01:00:53,193 --> 01:00:54,285
Dan.
1101
01:01:01,168 --> 01:01:02,999
Son of a bitch, where the hell are you?
1102
01:01:03,170 --> 01:01:05,502
-I'm right here, sir.
-No, not you.
1103
01:01:05,672 --> 01:01:09,233
Look, can you just try one more?
Can you try...
1104
01:01:09,877 --> 01:01:13,904
...91 8-555-7640?
1105
01:01:14,081 --> 01:01:15,309
State your name after the beep.
1107
01:01:16,650 --> 01:01:18,174
What the fuck? Are you fucking with me?
1108
01:01:18,352 --> 01:01:21,719
It's Dan, just dial the fucking phone
so I don't spend the last of my days in--
1109
01:01:21,889 --> 01:01:23,288
Fuck!
1111
01:01:30,164 --> 01:01:31,893
-What?
-This is the Salem City...
1112
01:01:32,066 --> 01:01:35,035
-...Jail Operator with a collect call from:
-Are you fucking with me?
1113
01:01:35,202 --> 01:01:38,729
It's Dan, dial the fucking phone
so I don't spend the last of my days--
1114
01:01:38,906 --> 01:01:40,601
-Fuck.
-Daniel?
1115
01:01:40,774 --> 01:01:42,867
Oh, Jesus. Mrs. Jorgens?
1116
01:01:43,043 --> 01:01:44,601
What�s going on?
1117
01:01:46,880 --> 01:01:49,280
Can you get Kristy for me?
1118
01:01:50,451 --> 01:01:53,215
No, I cannot. Where are you?
1119
01:01:54,855 --> 01:01:57,016
I'm in jail.
1120
01:01:58,125 --> 01:02:01,617
-What a shock.
-Mom, is that Dan?
1122
01:02:11,271 --> 01:02:13,000
Fuck.
1123
01:02:14,308 --> 01:02:15,832
-Hey.
-Dude, how did it go?
1124
01:02:16,009 --> 01:02:17,408
-Everything good?
-Of course.
1125
01:02:17,578 --> 01:02:20,103
-What did you think was gonna happen?
-What do I think?
1126
01:02:20,280 --> 01:02:24,944
Get away! Mommy! No!
Get away! No! Mommy!
1127
01:02:31,391 --> 01:02:34,155
That's ridiculous.
I already have all those toys.
1128
01:02:35,762 --> 01:02:37,423
Hey, Jack.
1129
01:02:37,598 --> 01:02:39,429
Hey. Hey.
1130
01:02:39,600 --> 01:02:43,696
-Where's my 200 bucks?
-Oh, you mean my 200 bucks?
1131
01:02:44,972 --> 01:02:46,439
Yeah, she's good.
1132
01:02:46,607 --> 01:02:48,006
Nice, well played.
1133
01:02:48,575 --> 01:02:49,872
Hey.
1134
01:02:50,344 --> 01:02:51,743
You can have this.
1135
01:02:55,415 --> 01:02:56,973
Wow.
1136
01:02:57,851 --> 01:02:59,978
Thanks, Jack.
1137
01:03:00,154 --> 01:03:02,088
Hey, you know what?
1138
01:03:03,123 --> 01:03:06,320
I want you to have this.
1139
01:03:06,493 --> 01:03:08,427
A GI Bob keychain.
1140
01:03:08,595 --> 01:03:11,189
Bob was the commander
for the soldiers that went to battle.
1141
01:03:11,365 --> 01:03:13,833
-He was my favorite when I was your age.
-Wow.
1142
01:03:14,001 --> 01:03:16,196
You gotta promise me one thing, though.
1143
01:03:16,370 --> 01:03:18,634
You take care of all your soldiers
just like Bob.
1144
01:03:18,805 --> 01:03:21,103
-Especially your mom.
-I promise.
1145
01:03:22,042 --> 01:03:23,475
All right.
1146
01:03:23,644 --> 01:03:25,771
-I'll call you when I get home.
-Okay.
1147
01:03:27,014 --> 01:03:29,448
Keep working on your ambushes, buddy.
1148
01:03:29,616 --> 01:03:31,584
Bye, Drew.
1149
01:03:31,752 --> 01:03:34,812
Did you just give your Bob keychain
to a whore baby?
1150
01:03:34,988 --> 01:03:36,922
She's not a whore.
1151
01:03:38,258 --> 01:03:39,657
Okay.
1152
01:03:40,127 --> 01:03:41,890
Wow.
1153
01:03:43,030 --> 01:03:46,363
Here you go, man.
I got you one of these suckers.
1154
01:03:48,168 --> 01:03:49,795
Where's Dan?
1155
01:04:02,015 --> 01:04:04,074
Holy shit.
1156
01:04:06,186 --> 01:04:08,814
Jesus Christ, man.
What the fuck happened to you?
1157
01:04:14,595 --> 01:04:15,857
Let's fucking go.
1158
01:04:16,029 --> 01:04:19,487
Dude, you are not gonna believe
what happened to me.
1159
01:04:19,666 --> 01:04:22,794
You know the feeling you get
when you're looking for that someone...
1160
01:04:22,970 --> 01:04:26,303
...and you are trying so hard
you think you might never find her?
1161
01:04:26,473 --> 01:04:28,873
And then,
just as you're about to give up...
1162
01:04:29,042 --> 01:04:34,571
...the clouds part, the path widens,
and there she is.
1163
01:04:34,748 --> 01:04:39,685
Gentlemen, last night
I reached the mountaintop.
1164
01:04:39,853 --> 01:04:43,687
Drew, you had just left the bar
when I saw her.
1165
01:04:43,857 --> 01:04:45,688
My midget princess.
1166
01:04:45,859 --> 01:04:50,558
Her dark hair and sparkling eyes
reminded me of Alyssa Milano.
1167
01:04:50,731 --> 01:04:53,461
Her compressed cervical vertebrae
and bowed legs...
1168
01:04:53,634 --> 01:04:56,194
...told me exactly
what Alyssa Milano would look like...
1169
01:04:56,370 --> 01:04:59,396
...if she were placed in a vise
and squished to one-quarter size.
1170
01:04:59,973 --> 01:05:03,204
So as her pigeon-toed feet
carried her past our table...
1171
01:05:03,377 --> 01:05:07,177
...I slid down in my chair,
hoping to catch her eye.
1172
01:05:07,347 --> 01:05:09,008
She looked at me.
1173
01:05:09,683 --> 01:05:11,207
Her mashed-up teeth...
1174
01:05:11,385 --> 01:05:16,413
...sparkling in the oily light
of the novelty condom machine.
1175
01:05:16,690 --> 01:05:22,526
I gave her my unmistakable
I-want-to-fuck-you eyes.
1176
01:05:22,696 --> 01:05:28,965
She shot back a quick
my-spine-hurts face, and I was smitten.
1177
01:05:29,303 --> 01:05:33,330
She went to the bar, ordered a drink.
I took the stool next to hers.
1178
01:05:33,507 --> 01:05:35,236
Hey, I'm Gulliver. How are you doing?
1179
01:05:35,409 --> 01:05:39,072
The beer bottle looked massive
in her tiny little hands.
1180
01:05:39,246 --> 01:05:42,704
All I could think about was how big
those hands would make my penis look.
1181
01:05:42,883 --> 01:05:46,410
-She ate it up.
-I'm not a dwarf, I'm a little person.
1182
01:05:46,586 --> 01:05:48,747
Is that what Doc told you, Grumpy?
1183
01:05:48,922 --> 01:05:52,085
She laughed her tiny little laugh
at my tiny little jokes...
1184
01:05:52,259 --> 01:05:54,523
...and then threw me a fastball
down the middle.
1185
01:05:54,695 --> 01:05:56,629
So, what do you want to do?
1186
01:05:57,097 --> 01:06:00,294
It was the tiny little opening I needed.
1187
01:06:00,467 --> 01:06:02,867
I wanna make a mess in your mouth.
1188
01:06:03,136 --> 01:06:05,866
-Let's go to my place, then.
-Okay.
1189
01:06:06,039 --> 01:06:07,939
Just to be safe, leave the pickax here.
1190
01:06:08,108 --> 01:06:11,976
I don't want you tunneling under the bed,
looking for diamonds. It'll freak me out.
1191
01:06:12,145 --> 01:06:16,548
Without a tiny little second thought,
she swung down from the stool...
1192
01:06:16,717 --> 01:06:19,948
...took my pinky in her sausage fingers
and guided me out the door.
1193
01:06:23,323 --> 01:06:24,483
Wait.
1194
01:06:24,658 --> 01:06:28,594
You mean to tell me
that I have this and this...
1195
01:06:28,762 --> 01:06:31,822
...because you wanted to fuck
an Oompa Loompa, are you serious?
1196
01:06:31,998 --> 01:06:34,967
Dude, it was destiny.
1197
01:06:35,135 --> 01:06:36,625
You remember?
1198
01:06:36,803 --> 01:06:40,068
The midget stripper the professor
was talking about in class yesterday.
1199
01:06:40,240 --> 01:06:41,639
I went on Westlaw...
1200
01:06:41,808 --> 01:06:44,606
...and found out where she worked
before I picked up Drew.
1201
01:06:47,848 --> 01:06:49,975
You've never been
to that strip club before?
1202
01:06:51,351 --> 01:06:54,616
No. I mean, not until last time.
1203
01:06:54,788 --> 01:06:56,346
Holy shit.
1204
01:06:58,725 --> 01:07:00,625
That's why you took us
to that crappy bar.
1205
01:07:03,130 --> 01:07:06,361
That's why you had me call information
to find out where the club was.
1206
01:07:06,533 --> 01:07:07,761
Yes.
1207
01:07:07,934 --> 01:07:10,698
-The bachelor party was just a fucking ruse?
-Dan, Dan, Dan.
1208
01:07:10,871 --> 01:07:14,034
How many people do you know
who have fucked a midget?
1209
01:07:14,207 --> 01:07:17,370
-You don't think that's awesome?
-Are you fucking kidding me?
1210
01:07:19,079 --> 01:07:23,038
Here you go. Keep it down?
Watch your language.
1211
01:07:24,451 --> 01:07:28,217
I might not have a fianc�e anymore
because you dragged me into a lie...
1212
01:07:28,388 --> 01:07:31,118
...that I didn't want
or fucking need to be a part of.
1213
01:07:32,759 --> 01:07:36,126
Now I have to go back to Richmond
and beg her for her forgiveness...
1214
01:07:36,296 --> 01:07:38,560
...and plead with her
not to cancel the wedding...
1215
01:07:38,732 --> 01:07:41,565
...that we have been planning
for two fucking years, Tucker.
1216
01:07:41,735 --> 01:07:44,704
Two fucking years.
1217
01:07:48,375 --> 01:07:49,672
I--
1218
01:07:49,843 --> 01:07:52,073
And what am I gonna do
when I get there, huh?
1219
01:07:53,680 --> 01:07:56,581
Look at my fucking face, man.
1220
01:07:56,950 --> 01:08:01,353
I look like I've been on the wrong end
of a prison beating because I fucking have.
1221
01:08:04,791 --> 01:08:05,917
Dude.
1222
01:08:07,260 --> 01:08:09,990
Let me finish my story.
It's not always about you.
1223
01:08:14,234 --> 01:08:16,361
-Dan, Dan, Dan!
-About me?
1224
01:08:16,536 --> 01:08:18,561
-Come on, come on.
-Oh, my God.
1225
01:08:19,506 --> 01:08:20,837
-Jesus.
-Get off of me!
1226
01:08:21,007 --> 01:08:23,066
-Dude. It was a midget.
-Hey, hey, hey!
1227
01:08:23,243 --> 01:08:26,610
Right now, if I were Tucker,
I would shut the fuck up.
1229
01:09:30,176 --> 01:09:33,043
-I will tell you one thing--
-I don't wanna hear it, Mom.
1230
01:09:33,213 --> 01:09:34,578
I don't wanna hear it.
1231
01:09:38,585 --> 01:09:42,282
No good Baptist would be caught dead
drinking to excess...
1232
01:09:42,455 --> 01:09:45,618
...or getting arrested
for causing a ruckus.
1233
01:09:45,792 --> 01:09:48,352
Of course not,
good Baptists don't get caught.
1234
01:09:48,528 --> 01:09:49,552
That's right.
1235
01:09:49,729 --> 01:09:51,492
They just sit in judgment of others...
1236
01:09:51,665 --> 01:09:54,498
...refusing to help them
when they need it the most.
1237
01:09:56,536 --> 01:09:58,367
Don't you get smart with me,
young lady.
1238
01:09:58,838 --> 01:10:03,775
It is not my fault that you decided
to fall in love with some...
1239
01:10:06,346 --> 01:10:08,541
-...fair-weather Protestant.
-Oh, my God.
1240
01:10:08,715 --> 01:10:09,807
Ordaining women.
1241
01:10:10,584 --> 01:10:12,677
-And marrying the homosexuals.
-Mother!
1242
01:10:12,852 --> 01:10:14,046
Well, it's true.
1243
01:10:14,220 --> 01:10:20,455
A religion with all of the spirituality
and none of the guilt? Ha-ha-ha.
1244
01:10:20,627 --> 01:10:22,026
Oh, please.
1245
01:10:22,195 --> 01:10:23,457
It's not right.
1247
01:10:25,231 --> 01:10:30,100
Well, now, look who the Lord has chosen
to deliver unto this happy home.
1248
01:10:30,270 --> 01:10:32,067
We need to talk.
1249
01:10:32,572 --> 01:10:35,871
-Good gracious, Daniel, your face.
-What happened to you?
1250
01:10:36,042 --> 01:10:38,704
-Babe, I'm sorry.
-Sorry?
1251
01:10:40,914 --> 01:10:43,678
The wedding is ruined. Look at your face!
1252
01:10:43,850 --> 01:10:45,477
Enough, Mom.
1253
01:10:46,186 --> 01:10:48,814
Oh, my-- Well, we have to postpone it.
1254
01:10:48,989 --> 01:10:53,153
I cannot display your wedding photos
in my house. What will people think?
1255
01:10:53,326 --> 01:10:56,022
This isn't about you and your baloney.
1256
01:10:58,164 --> 01:11:01,531
Honey, are you okay?
1257
01:11:02,202 --> 01:11:03,396
Babe.
1258
01:11:03,570 --> 01:11:06,971
God, you just gotta stop letting Tucker
get you into these messes.
1259
01:11:07,140 --> 01:11:08,437
Look, I get it.
1260
01:11:10,210 --> 01:11:11,268
Are you okay?
1261
01:11:12,946 --> 01:11:14,072
I'm fine.
1263
01:11:18,818 --> 01:11:20,217
You better stop laughing.
1264
01:11:20,787 --> 01:11:23,255
-You don't look fine.
-Shut up.
1265
01:11:23,423 --> 01:11:25,015
Baby.
1266
01:11:25,458 --> 01:11:28,757
Gross. We have to go.
1267
01:11:28,928 --> 01:11:31,362
-I'll work you over like I did these guys.
-Oh, yeah?
1268
01:11:31,531 --> 01:11:33,055
I killed them.
1269
01:11:35,902 --> 01:11:39,633
-Dude, what's good for positive thinking?
-Penance.
1270
01:11:39,806 --> 01:11:42,274
Exercise is supposed to be good,
let's play some hoops.
1271
01:11:42,442 --> 01:11:43,466
We have class.
1272
01:11:43,643 --> 01:11:46,703
That place we pay 35 grand a year
to attend between happy hours.
1273
01:11:46,880 --> 01:11:48,245
Eh, that place is dumb.
1274
01:11:48,415 --> 01:11:50,110
Have you talked to Dan?
1275
01:11:50,283 --> 01:11:53,081
I tried calling him a bunch of times,
but he didn't pick up.
1276
01:11:53,253 --> 01:11:55,847
What? He's not actually pissed, is he?
1277
01:11:56,022 --> 01:11:58,923
Has your id-driven narcissism
completely stripped you...
1278
01:11:59,092 --> 01:12:01,993
...of the ability to evaluate
the consequences of your actions?
1279
01:12:02,162 --> 01:12:04,722
-Dude, this is not that big of a deal.
-Are you drunk?
1280
01:12:04,898 --> 01:12:08,129
How have you gotten this far in life
without understanding this stuff?
1281
01:12:08,301 --> 01:12:10,895
I'll apologize to him tomorrow
when we get to the hotel.
1282
01:12:11,071 --> 01:12:14,040
That way we can be done
with all this bullshit.
1283
01:12:15,075 --> 01:12:19,512
God truly does protect children and fools,
because you are both, Tucker.
1284
01:12:19,779 --> 01:12:21,770
That guy on the left, he's a vegan.
1285
01:12:21,948 --> 01:12:24,576
-Really?
-Look at those abs, Jesus.
1286
01:12:24,751 --> 01:12:26,275
No meat, just abs.
1288
01:12:27,921 --> 01:12:29,411
Oh, this sounds good. Kick his ass.
1290
01:12:30,957 --> 01:12:32,822
-I'm so tired.
-Ugh.
1291
01:12:33,827 --> 01:12:35,419
Yay.
1292
01:12:39,399 --> 01:12:42,266
It's Tucker. You wanna talk to him?
1293
01:12:47,207 --> 01:12:48,970
Hey, is Dan here?
1294
01:12:54,347 --> 01:12:56,212
Yo, dude.
1295
01:12:56,649 --> 01:12:58,446
Can I come in? Talk?
1296
01:13:00,253 --> 01:13:01,277
I'm coming in.
1297
01:13:02,789 --> 01:13:06,919
Yo, Dan. Dude.
1298
01:13:07,927 --> 01:13:09,224
Sorry.
1300
01:13:22,075 --> 01:13:23,133
Whatever.
1301
01:13:34,120 --> 01:13:35,644
Okay.
1302
01:13:37,090 --> 01:13:38,387
All right, what should I do?
1303
01:13:39,092 --> 01:13:41,890
-Apologize sincerely.
-I just did.
1304
01:13:42,796 --> 01:13:45,060
Tucker, what kind of fantasy world
do you live in?
1305
01:13:45,231 --> 01:13:47,722
One word and a guy head nod
isn't a sincere apology.
1306
01:13:47,901 --> 01:13:50,165
What am I supposed to say?
I'm not a mind reader.
1307
01:13:50,336 --> 01:13:53,169
Do you understand
the magnitude of the situation?
1308
01:13:53,339 --> 01:13:55,068
He lied to me for you.
1309
01:13:55,241 --> 01:13:58,506
He landed in jail because you failed
as a friend in every way possible.
1310
01:13:58,678 --> 01:14:02,136
-I didn't make him lie to you.
-He lied because he's your friend, Tucker.
1311
01:14:02,315 --> 01:14:04,943
-To protect you.
-That's stupid, protect me from what?
1312
01:14:05,118 --> 01:14:09,111
From his future wife thinking his best friend
is a selfish, lying son of a bitch.
1313
01:14:10,056 --> 01:14:12,581
Except for you know what?
It's even worse than that.
1314
01:14:12,759 --> 01:14:14,954
Because I always knew you were selfish.
1315
01:14:15,128 --> 01:14:17,528
Now I worry
that you're this destructive force...
1316
01:14:17,697 --> 01:14:20,131
...that I can't trust
to protect the man I love.
1317
01:14:20,300 --> 01:14:23,463
-It was a bachelor party.
-Tucker, look at me.
1318
01:14:24,604 --> 01:14:26,629
You don't understand.
1319
01:14:26,806 --> 01:14:30,003
Part of friendship is knowing boundaries.
Do you know what Dan's are?
1320
01:14:30,176 --> 01:14:32,542
-Yeah, of course.
-You do?
1321
01:14:32,712 --> 01:14:33,770
Yeah.
1322
01:14:33,947 --> 01:14:35,437
What? So you just ignored them?
1323
01:14:35,615 --> 01:14:36,741
Pushed right past them?
1324
01:14:36,916 --> 01:14:38,975
He sacrificed
his line in the sand for you...
1325
01:14:39,152 --> 01:14:42,144
...and you couldn't sacrifice
a midget vagina for him.
1326
01:14:44,924 --> 01:14:47,620
And you wonder why you're not welcome
at our wedding.
1327
01:14:52,165 --> 01:14:54,156
I'm not invited?
1328
01:14:55,869 --> 01:14:59,100
No, Tucker, you're not.
1329
01:15:02,609 --> 01:15:05,009
There's no way. What does Dan say?
1330
01:15:05,912 --> 01:15:09,609
You don't get it.
I don't care if you're at our wedding.
1331
01:15:10,817 --> 01:15:13,377
It's Dan who doesn't want you there.
1333
01:15:22,061 --> 01:15:23,926
Fuck it.
1335
01:15:34,374 --> 01:15:36,137
It's Tucker.
1336
01:15:37,243 --> 01:15:39,268
-Thanks.
-Mm-hm.
1337
01:15:40,380 --> 01:15:42,780
-What's up?
-What are you doing, man?
1338
01:15:42,949 --> 01:15:44,746
Nothing. Lara's here.
1339
01:15:44,918 --> 01:15:46,886
Oh, cool, let's all hang out.
1340
01:15:47,053 --> 01:15:49,317
Get some drinks.
We can take the stripper dancing.
1341
01:15:50,290 --> 01:15:52,724
Yeah, no thanks.
We're just gonna stay in tonight.
1342
01:15:52,892 --> 01:15:54,154
We got a long day tomorrow.
1343
01:15:54,327 --> 01:15:57,854
Getting pussy doesn't mean
you need to be a pussy. Let's all hang out.
1344
01:15:58,031 --> 01:16:02,627
Yes, Tucker. Insult us
and insistently reassert your initial demand.
1345
01:16:02,802 --> 01:16:05,566
-That will make the difference.
-What are you talking about?
1346
01:16:05,738 --> 01:16:08,434
You already submarined
one relationship this week.
1347
01:16:08,608 --> 01:16:12,100
I'd like a chance to see if mine can float
before you torpedo it, all right?
1348
01:16:12,278 --> 01:16:13,870
I gotta go.
1350
01:16:29,429 --> 01:16:31,090
Fuck them if they can't take a joke.
1351
01:16:32,131 --> 01:16:34,861
I have two cats. A girl and a boy.
1352
01:16:35,034 --> 01:16:38,401
Abigail Lulu Dibiase
and Jersey Lemon Dibiase.
1353
01:16:39,939 --> 01:16:42,100
Why do you own cats?
1354
01:16:42,542 --> 01:16:45,443
Do you enjoy having big boxes of shit
all around your house?
1355
01:16:45,979 --> 01:16:48,880
-I clean the litter boxes every day.
-Wow, God.
1356
01:16:49,048 --> 01:16:51,073
Does it not bother you
how haughty they are?
1357
01:16:51,250 --> 01:16:52,774
They could give a fuck about you.
1358
01:16:52,952 --> 01:16:54,317
Not my cats.
1359
01:16:54,487 --> 01:16:57,251
They're not like regular cats,
they're like dogs.
1361
01:16:58,624 --> 01:17:01,559
Now, see, that is right on cue.
Every cat person says that.
1362
01:17:01,728 --> 01:17:07,098
Now, you know
what's not like a regular cat?
1363
01:17:08,701 --> 01:17:10,362
A fucking dog.
1364
01:17:13,740 --> 01:17:16,436
There's no need to thank me.
1365
01:17:19,312 --> 01:17:23,373
The silent, awed adoration
is its own reward.
1366
01:17:33,893 --> 01:17:35,884
What you doing?
1367
01:17:37,063 --> 01:17:38,860
I'm talking to the turtles.
1369
01:17:45,471 --> 01:17:48,599
Are they telling you to kill
that fat girl behind us?
1370
01:17:49,275 --> 01:17:51,869
Because that's what
they're telling me to do.
1371
01:17:56,449 --> 01:17:58,110
What? How can you be mad about that?
1372
01:17:58,284 --> 01:18:01,742
-Fat girls aren't real people.
-How can a man say something like that?
1373
01:18:03,256 --> 01:18:05,952
Well, usually I don't say it.
Usually it's my friend Drew.
1374
01:18:06,125 --> 01:18:11,290
And then I come in, pick up the girl
on the rebound. But he's not here.
1375
01:18:11,464 --> 01:18:13,091
So you're drinking alone?
1376
01:18:13,266 --> 01:18:16,133
That's one of the beginning stages
of alcoholism, you know.
1377
01:18:17,603 --> 01:18:19,730
Oh, I am way past the beginning stages.
1378
01:18:19,906 --> 01:18:22,204
I already hide liquor
and drink alone in the dark.
1379
01:18:22,375 --> 01:18:24,866
-That's sad.
-No, it isn't.
1380
01:18:25,044 --> 01:18:27,239
Think about it.
Drinking is highly underrated.
1381
01:18:27,413 --> 01:18:29,142
What are the detriments to drinking?
1382
01:18:29,315 --> 01:18:30,839
-I don't know.
-You don't know.
1383
01:18:31,017 --> 01:18:33,986
Okay, how about it hurts relationships
with family and friends?
1384
01:18:34,454 --> 01:18:37,116
I don't like my family
and my friends drink as much as me.
1385
01:18:37,290 --> 01:18:39,690
How about it causes
long-term health problems?
1386
01:18:39,859 --> 01:18:42,453
I drive way too fast
to worry about anything long-term.
1387
01:18:42,628 --> 01:18:44,619
Now, it costs money. I'll give you that.
1388
01:18:44,797 --> 01:18:47,493
But I'm gonna spend my money
recklessly anyway.
1389
01:18:47,667 --> 01:18:50,295
Better on alcohol
than on drugs or pornography.
1390
01:18:50,470 --> 01:18:53,200
How about it causes
rude and aberrant behavior?
1391
01:18:53,372 --> 01:18:56,808
I'm an asshole when I'm sober,
drinking actually calms me down.
1392
01:18:56,976 --> 01:19:00,173
Now, think about its benefits.
Makes me invulnerable to criticism.
1393
01:19:00,346 --> 01:19:02,906
Makes ugly people attractive,
boring people interesting.
1394
01:19:03,082 --> 01:19:06,017
It makes hot girls like me.
For my money, the choice is obvious.
1395
01:19:06,185 --> 01:19:07,209
Motherfucker!
1396
01:19:07,386 --> 01:19:10,253
Oh, Mongo got angry! Mongo smash!
1397
01:19:10,423 --> 01:19:12,414
You just totally blew your chance,
you know.
1398
01:19:12,592 --> 01:19:14,355
There you were standing by yourself...
1399
01:19:14,527 --> 01:19:17,325
...when two hot girls
decided to talk to you.
1400
01:19:18,331 --> 01:19:21,027
-What hot girls?
-Us!
1401
01:19:21,200 --> 01:19:23,725
That was gonna be my question too.
What hot girls?
1402
01:19:23,903 --> 01:19:27,498
-God bless your overworked heart.
-Oh, another fat-girl joke.
1403
01:19:27,673 --> 01:19:29,903
That really cuts deep.
1404
01:19:30,076 --> 01:19:35,036
The only way that I could cut you deep
is with a battleaxe and a running start.
1405
01:19:35,815 --> 01:19:39,273
-Yo, yo, did you hear that chick?
-You ever seen Wedding Crashers?
1406
01:19:39,452 --> 01:19:42,080
They look like they're a 10
when they're standing there.
1407
01:19:42,255 --> 01:19:45,952
What do you mean? You can count
that high? Skinny, fat one, zero?
1408
01:19:46,893 --> 01:19:48,793
-Let's go.
-What a dickhead.
1409
01:19:48,961 --> 01:19:51,429
Nice striped shirt, Luigi.
1410
01:19:52,532 --> 01:19:55,865
Hey, Olive Oyl, I can't believe
you picked Bluto over Popeye.
1411
01:19:56,035 --> 01:19:57,093
That's fucked up.
1412
01:19:57,270 --> 01:20:00,899
At least I'm not at the bar
drinking by myself.
1413
01:20:06,379 --> 01:20:08,574
Fuck you, fatty.
1414
01:20:14,587 --> 01:20:17,920
I wanted to go the party, but he didn't call.
1415
01:20:24,430 --> 01:20:27,558
Hey, how's it going?
1416
01:20:34,473 --> 01:20:37,374
-This is beautiful, this ring is beautiful.
-Thanks.
1417
01:20:37,543 --> 01:20:40,341
You married or do you wear that
to keep the douche bags away?
1418
01:20:40,513 --> 01:20:42,640
No, I'm actually married.
1419
01:20:42,815 --> 01:20:47,752
-Then how good is your marriage?
-Good enough to keep me in it.
1420
01:20:47,920 --> 01:20:51,788
-Then what are you doing here?
-Girls' night out.
1421
01:20:52,658 --> 01:20:54,888
Come on, isn't that just code for:
1422
01:20:55,061 --> 01:20:58,792
"Hey, let's get drunk
and suck off hot guys in the bathroom? "
1423
01:20:59,298 --> 01:21:01,766
Maybe for the girls you hang out with.
1424
01:21:01,934 --> 01:21:03,697
Are you calling my mom a slut?
1425
01:21:07,473 --> 01:21:09,168
Does she know you talk like that?
1426
01:21:09,342 --> 01:21:12,800
Does your husband know
you flirt with men you meet in bars?
1427
01:21:21,120 --> 01:21:24,521
-Does it really fucking matter?
-No, it doesn't.
1428
01:21:24,690 --> 01:21:26,351
You're not gonna invite me in?
1429
01:21:29,462 --> 01:21:32,693
-There's only one toilet.
-There's a sink, isn't there?
1430
01:21:37,470 --> 01:21:40,530
Do you always hit on women
in the bathroom line?
1431
01:21:40,706 --> 01:21:42,105
Nope.
1432
01:21:42,275 --> 01:21:46,041
-Only hot ones I want to sleep with.
-You think I'm hot?
1433
01:21:46,212 --> 01:21:50,649
Baby, you're so hot, if I were dating you,
I'd never leave the house.
1434
01:21:50,816 --> 01:21:54,877
I'd never even leave your vaginal area,
unless I was coming on your face.
1436
01:21:57,023 --> 01:21:59,617
You are a naughty little boy.
1437
01:21:59,792 --> 01:22:02,056
What makes you think
I'm gonna have sex with you?
1438
01:22:02,228 --> 01:22:03,718
Oh, please.
1439
01:22:03,896 --> 01:22:05,158
I'm gonna hit it so hard...
1440
01:22:05,331 --> 01:22:08,425
...whoever pulls me out of you
is gonna become king of England.
1441
01:22:29,221 --> 01:22:31,689
-Excuse us.
-Hello.
1442
01:22:32,058 --> 01:22:35,152
-You're next, Gertrude.
-Shameful.
1444
01:22:46,205 --> 01:22:48,537
Fuck.
1446
01:23:04,290 --> 01:23:06,019
-Are you all right?
-Yeah.
1447
01:23:20,673 --> 01:23:22,732
-Ready?
-Wait.
1449
01:23:24,176 --> 01:23:25,473
What the fuck?
1450
01:23:26,112 --> 01:23:27,579
I gotta take a shit.
1451
01:23:27,747 --> 01:23:29,442
No, wait. I gotta go first, okay?
1452
01:23:29,615 --> 01:23:32,083
-What?
-Baby, wait. I'll just be a second.
1453
01:23:32,251 --> 01:23:34,378
Oh, fuck.
1456
01:23:50,836 --> 01:23:52,861
Goddamn.
1457
01:23:54,039 --> 01:23:57,372
-What are you doing in there?
-Nothing.
1458
01:23:57,543 --> 01:24:01,206
It doesn't sound like nothing. Hurry up!
1459
01:24:01,380 --> 01:24:03,575
I'll be right out.
1460
01:24:04,250 --> 01:24:06,343
Turn on the fan.
1461
01:24:08,988 --> 01:24:11,684
Light a match or something.
1462
01:24:11,857 --> 01:24:13,188
Oh, fuck.
1463
01:24:13,359 --> 01:24:16,157
-I'm sorry. Oh, no.
-Some air freshener in around here.
1464
01:24:16,328 --> 01:24:18,489
-I'm not feeling so good.
-You're okay.
1465
01:24:18,664 --> 01:24:19,688
I should go.
1466
01:24:19,865 --> 01:24:21,628
-No, no, no, what?
-I'm going.
1467
01:24:21,801 --> 01:24:23,564
Fuck, what is that smell? Holy shit.
1468
01:24:26,705 --> 01:24:28,468
Fuck! You clogged it.
1469
01:24:29,542 --> 01:24:31,442
You clogged a motherfucking hotel toilet.
1470
01:24:31,610 --> 01:24:35,671
What kind of constipated meth-head bowel
movement does it take to clog a hotel toilet?
1471
01:24:35,848 --> 01:24:37,748
Sorry.
1472
01:24:39,151 --> 01:24:40,846
Hello?
1473
01:24:42,888 --> 01:24:44,719
Oh, fuck.
1474
01:25:06,612 --> 01:25:08,671
Thank you very much. Bathroom?
1475
01:25:08,848 --> 01:25:10,782
-Where's the bathroom?
-In the main lobby.
1476
01:25:10,950 --> 01:25:12,918
Main lobby.
1477
01:25:13,652 --> 01:25:16,348
What lobby is--? Oh, fuck it.
1478
01:25:25,531 --> 01:25:27,795
Fucking shit! Where's the bathroom?
1481
01:25:40,713 --> 01:25:42,738
Which way is the fucking...?
1483
01:25:57,630 --> 01:25:59,154
Oh, no, no, no.
1484
01:25:59,765 --> 01:26:01,096
Fuck.
1485
01:26:02,768 --> 01:26:04,565
Fuck.
1486
01:26:04,970 --> 01:26:06,597
Oh, fuck, no.
1487
01:26:14,179 --> 01:26:16,647
Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.
1488
01:26:35,868 --> 01:26:37,267
Shit.
1489
01:27:20,980 --> 01:27:23,244
Oh, fuck.
1490
01:27:27,353 --> 01:27:28,650
Fuck!
1492
01:28:28,914 --> 01:28:30,814
I'm sorry.
1494
01:29:03,716 --> 01:29:07,345
God, I hope they serve beer in hell.
1495
01:29:08,253 --> 01:29:09,550
You may kiss the bride.
1497
01:29:18,263 --> 01:29:20,891
And now will you please rise?
1499
01:29:34,113 --> 01:29:35,637
Yep.
1500
01:29:36,715 --> 01:29:38,774
Yeah. Yeah, I know.
1501
01:29:38,951 --> 01:29:41,044
Yep, yep. The biggest one you got.
1502
01:29:41,220 --> 01:29:43,484
Okay, thank you very much.
1503
01:29:45,124 --> 01:29:46,716
Hold it. Hold it. Good.
1504
01:29:46,892 --> 01:29:50,384
This is good. Okay. Can I get you
to move your head a little--?
1505
01:29:52,164 --> 01:29:54,928
This time, all she could do
was talk about her and Dan.
1506
01:29:55,100 --> 01:29:58,558
They couldn't stop looking at each other
and holding hands.
1507
01:29:58,737 --> 01:30:01,399
After that, I knew he was a keeper.
1508
01:30:01,573 --> 01:30:05,134
And I was right. I love you, Kristy.
1509
01:30:18,123 --> 01:30:21,923
Hey, I'm Jeff.
I'm Dan's older brother and his best man.
1510
01:30:22,094 --> 01:30:24,062
Dan and I go way back.
1511
01:30:24,229 --> 01:30:26,959
In fact, I kind of feel like
I've known him in my whole life.
1513
01:30:28,400 --> 01:30:32,131
When Dan told he'd met the girl
he was gonna marry...
1514
01:30:32,304 --> 01:30:33,396
...I didn't believe it.
1515
01:30:33,572 --> 01:30:36,700
Only a few short years ago,
he was throwing rocks at girls...
1516
01:30:36,875 --> 01:30:39,776
...and now
he is putting one on her finger.
1517
01:30:40,979 --> 01:30:42,003
Oh, God.
1518
01:30:42,181 --> 01:30:45,082
I have known Kristy
for a few years now...
1519
01:30:45,250 --> 01:30:47,810
...and I couldn't ask
for a better sister-in-law.
1520
01:30:47,986 --> 01:30:51,717
Here is to my little bro and his bride.
1521
01:30:55,227 --> 01:30:57,855
All right, Sling Blade, give me that mike.
1522
01:30:58,030 --> 01:31:01,295
Some of you may not know me.
My name is Tucker Max.
1523
01:31:01,466 --> 01:31:03,696
Dan's my best friend.
1524
01:31:03,869 --> 01:31:09,205
At least he was, until last week when I took
advantage of Dan's kindness and loyalty.
1525
01:31:09,374 --> 01:31:12,810
I forced him into lying to Kristy,
dragged him two hours away...
1526
01:31:12,978 --> 01:31:16,778
...got him abusively drunk, and then
ditched him to sleep with a midget stripper.
1527
01:31:16,949 --> 01:31:19,884
I am the reason that, on the most
important day of Dan's life...
1528
01:31:20,052 --> 01:31:22,885
...Dan's face looks like
a melted Barbie doll's.
1529
01:31:23,222 --> 01:31:24,246
Just wait.
1530
01:31:24,423 --> 01:31:27,722
The worst part is, I didn't know
I was doing anything wrong.
1531
01:31:27,893 --> 01:31:31,556
I was just doing what I've always done,
which is pretty much whatever I want.
1532
01:31:31,730 --> 01:31:34,824
And to be honest,
it's worked out pretty well for me so far.
1533
01:31:35,734 --> 01:31:37,497
Up until about 24 hours ago...
1534
01:31:37,669 --> 01:31:40,536
...when my selfishness
finally caught up with me...
1535
01:31:40,706 --> 01:31:45,006
...and cost me Dan's friendship
and my invitation to this wedding.
1536
01:31:45,878 --> 01:31:50,315
Still, I shrugged it off
and went out last night anyway.
1537
01:31:50,482 --> 01:31:53,815
I'm not gonna bore you,
but the long and short of it is, I got drunk...
1538
01:31:54,319 --> 01:31:56,981
...and ended the night
sprinting across the hotel lobby...
1539
01:31:57,155 --> 01:31:58,816
...uncontrollably shitting my pants.
1541
01:32:02,227 --> 01:32:05,253
Ha-ha. No, really,
I crapped all over the lobby.
1542
01:32:05,430 --> 01:32:07,864
And continuing
with my selfish behavior...
1543
01:32:08,033 --> 01:32:11,867
...I left my mess, went back to my
hotel room and acted like nothing happened.
1544
01:32:12,838 --> 01:32:17,275
The only thing that kept me
from passing out in a pile of my own puke...
1545
01:32:17,442 --> 01:32:19,171
...was all the knocking at the door.
1547
01:32:25,183 --> 01:32:31,679
Staring into her angry, overworked face,
I had a moment of clarity.
1548
01:32:34,226 --> 01:32:37,855
Someone else
always cleans up my mess.
1549
01:32:38,363 --> 01:32:41,196
And for the past few years,
that person has been Dan.
1550
01:32:42,601 --> 01:32:47,300
At 3 in the morning,
down on my knees...
1551
01:32:47,472 --> 01:32:52,876
...literally cleaning up my own shit
for the first time in my adult life...
1552
01:32:53,045 --> 01:32:56,811
...I finally understood
what an amazing person Dan is...
1553
01:32:56,982 --> 01:32:59,473
...and how lucky I am...
1554
01:33:00,619 --> 01:33:05,022
...or was, to call him my friend.
1555
01:33:06,558 --> 01:33:09,925
Dan, Kristy.
1556
01:33:14,733 --> 01:33:17,531
When I came to your hotel room last night
to say I'm sorry...
1557
01:33:17,703 --> 01:33:20,501
...I honestly didn't understand
what I was apologizing for.
1558
01:33:20,672 --> 01:33:24,836
But in the last 24 hours, it's hit me.
1559
01:33:25,010 --> 01:33:29,344
It's hit me
like 10 pounds of slippery shit.
1560
01:33:33,185 --> 01:33:34,846
I've been a terrible friend.
1561
01:33:36,121 --> 01:33:39,249
And even though I probably don't deserve
either of you in my life...
1562
01:33:39,424 --> 01:33:43,121
...I had to come down here and tell you that
and ask for your forgiveness.
1563
01:33:43,295 --> 01:33:46,458
And I hope you will accept
my sincere apology.
1564
01:33:48,667 --> 01:33:50,362
Now....
1565
01:33:51,570 --> 01:33:55,131
I know that this is probably gonna scare
the crap out of most of you...
1566
01:33:55,307 --> 01:33:59,038
...but I hope to have kids someday.
1567
01:33:59,378 --> 01:34:02,870
And I'm sure
that I will only have daughters...
1568
01:34:03,048 --> 01:34:06,381
...and they will all be vicious sluts
who sleep with assholes like me...
1569
01:34:06,551 --> 01:34:09,850
...and throw back it in my face.
But such is karma.
1570
01:34:10,255 --> 01:34:12,746
If one is a boy, though...
1571
01:34:12,924 --> 01:34:16,018
...I would consider myself
a huge success as a father...
1572
01:34:16,194 --> 01:34:19,061
...if he grew up to be half the man
Dan is right now.
1573
01:34:21,666 --> 01:34:23,964
That's so sweet.
1574
01:34:24,503 --> 01:34:25,970
Strippers.
1575
01:34:26,838 --> 01:34:27,964
Dan.
1576
01:34:33,345 --> 01:34:34,642
I never thanked you...
1577
01:34:36,948 --> 01:34:38,575
...never acknowledged you...
1578
01:34:40,118 --> 01:34:43,178
...never even really thought about it.
I just took from you, dude.
1579
01:34:48,260 --> 01:34:49,750
I'm really sorry.
1581
01:35:09,614 --> 01:35:12,549
So for once,
I want to give you something back.
1582
01:35:12,717 --> 01:35:14,651
-No.
-Here we go, follow me.
1583
01:35:14,820 --> 01:35:16,913
Let's go. Get up.
1584
01:35:17,089 --> 01:35:20,650
Wedding's going outside.
You're gonna love it. You're gonna love it.
1585
01:35:23,095 --> 01:35:24,892
You're gonna love it.
1586
01:35:25,063 --> 01:35:28,260
Here we go. Come on, come on.
1587
01:35:39,678 --> 01:35:42,647
Yeah. Yeah.
1588
01:35:45,083 --> 01:35:47,381
Get it. Go get it.
1589
01:36:33,999 --> 01:36:37,799
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
1590
01:36:38,370 --> 01:36:39,928
All right, it's open.
1594
01:36:58,957 --> 01:36:59,981
Three!
1595
01:37:26,351 --> 01:37:30,185
Tucker, I gotta say,
when you came in here, I almost died.
1596
01:37:30,355 --> 01:37:32,482
I didn't know what you were gonna do.
1597
01:37:32,657 --> 01:37:34,386
That speech was really good.
1598
01:37:34,559 --> 01:37:36,652
Thank you. You guys deserve it.
1599
01:37:37,395 --> 01:37:38,419
Yeah, we did.
1600
01:37:40,265 --> 01:37:41,994
Come here.
1601
01:37:42,167 --> 01:37:43,828
Congratulations.
1602
01:37:44,002 --> 01:37:46,129
-Weddings are gay.
-Thank you.
1603
01:37:46,304 --> 01:37:50,172
-You're welcome.
-I am going to go check on the guests.
1604
01:38:02,220 --> 01:38:04,984
Well, I'm gonna go check on Jack.
1605
01:38:06,057 --> 01:38:07,684
Bye.
1606
01:38:09,127 --> 01:38:12,028
All right, you really fucked a midget?
1607
01:38:17,068 --> 01:38:18,365
Oh, yeah.
1608
01:38:18,536 --> 01:38:22,165
When she's riding you,
can you spin her like a top?
1609
01:38:22,340 --> 01:38:25,741
Dude, I tried, but her vagina's too shallow.
The physics were all wrong.
1610
01:38:26,645 --> 01:38:28,909
-Did you really shit the lobby?
-Oh, yeah.
1611
01:38:29,080 --> 01:38:31,139
Did you really clean it up?
1612
01:38:31,316 --> 01:38:33,978
Well, the janitor did show up
with the mop and the bucket.
1613
01:38:34,152 --> 01:38:37,121
You guys have known me for many years.
What do you think Tucker would do?
1615
01:38:58,310 --> 01:39:01,279
I knew it.
You don't even do your own laundry.
1616
01:39:01,446 --> 01:39:04,108
Un-fucking-believable, bro.
You didn't clean it up.
1617
01:39:04,282 --> 01:39:07,683
You show up at my wedding,
pour out your heart, and it's all bullshit.
1618
01:39:07,852 --> 01:39:08,876
It's not all bullshit.
1619
01:39:09,054 --> 01:39:12,080
I don't need to actually clean up the mess
to learn the lesson.
1620
01:39:12,257 --> 01:39:15,715
I don't even know why
this shocks me anymore.
1621
01:39:15,960 --> 01:39:17,757
Oh, dude.
1622
01:39:22,967 --> 01:39:24,434
I'll be right back.
1623
01:39:26,838 --> 01:39:29,033
Whoa, whoa, whoa, careful.
1624
01:39:30,909 --> 01:39:32,536
Watch your step.
1625
01:39:37,415 --> 01:39:39,406
That's my cousin.
1626
01:45:38,643 --> 01:45:39,632
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