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Our next guest, dubbed
"The Rocky Mountain Rambo,"
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got tired of waiting himself,
so he traveled to Pakistan.
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00:00:27,960 --> 00:00:29,530
How close did you
actually get to bin Laden?
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00:00:29,640 --> 00:00:31,210
Tonight with Gary Faulkner.
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00:00:31,320 --> 00:00:32,924
This is
Gary Faulkner. Good luck.
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00:00:33,040 --> 00:00:34,769
Gary is an adventurer
who set his sites
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- on hunting Osama bin Laden.
Gary Faulkner
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00:00:36,040 --> 00:00:37,485
made headlines for travelling
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to Pakistan
to capture Osama bin Laden.
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Dateline 2004.
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Land-- the lawless,
tribal region of Pakistan.
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Our story concerns
Gary Faulkner,
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00:00:52,440 --> 00:00:55,205
a part-time construction worker
with bad kidneys
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00:00:55,320 --> 00:00:57,721
and a full-time
American patriot,
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00:00:57,840 --> 00:01:00,764
who, after years of watching
the United States
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00:01:00,880 --> 00:01:03,087
fruitlessly hunt
for Osama bin Laden,
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00:01:03,200 --> 00:01:05,965
claimed he was visited by God
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00:01:06,080 --> 00:01:09,880
and accepted a mission to find
and capture bin Laden himself.
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Armed with only a sword
and knife,
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Mr. Faulkner travelled to one
of the most dangerous places
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on the planet
to bring bin Laden to justice.
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Here I come!
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As strange
as it is compelling,
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this is a true story,
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or a story
that has truth in it,
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or maybe... elements of truth.
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Gee, pretty boy,
your time has come.
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The G has arrived.
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Like most stories,
ours began long ago,
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when the hero was but a boy.
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Take that, twerp.
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Don't come around here anymore.
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Hello, Gary.
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What ails you, my child?
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Did those heathen brutes
just burst your balloon?
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Children can be
real pricks sometimes.
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Gary, see that kid there?
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In a few years time,
the guilt he accumulates
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from committing this kind
of bullying will lead
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to him becoming a horrible
crystal meth addict,
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and he's gonna die
in a meth deal gone bad.
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00:02:46,160 --> 00:02:47,605
Shit happens, Gary.
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Crying about it
don't do any good.
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But this, Gary--
this is your sword that
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I give onto thee,
and as long as you behold it,
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you need never fear any man.
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You are special.
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I choose you
to wield this sword,
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and as long as
it's in your possession,
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you need never know fear again.
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Hello?
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Hey, Gary, it's Pickles.
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Pickles, wow!
What's up, man?
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Glad you called,
I need a place to crash.
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00:03:50,640 --> 00:03:52,130
I've been crashing
at the job site.
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Gary has been
described as everything
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from a hero to a crackpot.
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Dr. Jonathan Boudin
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00:03:58,040 --> 00:04:00,281
of the Denver Clinic
for Psychiatric Care
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00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:02,004
told us that Gary, quote,
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"does not suffer
from psychosis, paranoia,
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or schizophrenia."
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00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:08,211
Clinically speaking,
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00:04:08,320 --> 00:04:10,243
he's as sane as you or me.
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But you be the judge.
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Worst part of having this
bad kidney,
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getting dialysis
three times a week
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is they won't let me
eat chicken wings.
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Man, this country makes
the best goddamn chicken wings
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in the world.
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Now, I haven't seen
the whole world,
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I haven't tasted chicken wings
in Africa,
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but I'd be willing to bet the
right ball on a broke-dick dog
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that no place makes better wings
than they do here.
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Some other reasons America's
the best country ever,
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fastest cars.
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Now, some douche nugget
pointed out
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that the Italians
and the Germans
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make faster rides on account
of their Ferraris,
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and their Mercedes.
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Well, I'm talking about
non-fascist automobiles.
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Also, I'm pretty sure
more people kick ass here
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than in any other country.
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I mean, some people claim
that you can't quantify
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kick-assedness.
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Those are usually people who's
asses have been recently kicked.
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What is crazy?
I mean, is crazy bad?
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Wasn't it crazy to believe
all men were created equal?
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Wasn't it crazy to
believe in life, liberty...
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From the first moment,
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Gary made clear
that he would not fit
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00:05:05,440 --> 00:05:07,204
with anyone's expectations.
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And refused to believe
he was destined
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for anything other
than greatness.
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As he continually told those
around him,
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"You have to think crazy,
to accomplish crazy things."
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I don't know, but I once got
a fortune cookie that said,
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"ln boldness,
there is greatness,"
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and I believe that fortune
cookie was correct.
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I can't stand foreign beer.
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Anybody that drinks foreign beer
or foreign whiskey
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should be shot as a traitor.
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- Come on. -That's what we love
about you, Gary, man.
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- It's hard to be down around
you. -
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- I got to piss.
- Idiots!
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...reports that U.S. forces
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have been very close
to capturing bin Laden,
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but that was about
three years ago.
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We intend, fully intend,
to-to find him.
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We don't know
where Osama bin Laden, um, is.
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Government clowns.
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The hunt for bin Laden
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has been a cold well
for a long time.
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They're botching up the plan
to get bin Laden!
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Look, I know I'm a Leo,
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but it's easier for a mouse
to get into a castle
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than it is for a lion.
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I'd go in there,
and I'd boost that fucker
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- right out from underneath
their noses. -
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Hey, buddy.
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You think you could do
a betterjob over there?
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Is that what you're saying?
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Oh, you're a Marine.
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- I am a Marine.
- Well, that's awesome.
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Listen, I really appreciate what
you boys are doing over there,
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and I understand
the price of freedom,
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the sacrifice, but look,
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you've got your program,
and I got mine, that's all.
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But l-let me buy you a drink.
What do you have?
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What are you gonna pay
for that with?
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Your unemployment check?
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Oh.
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- Gary... Gary___
{Gary giggles)
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Just let it go.
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Quick contest, Semper fi.
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Let's throw this knife
across the room
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00:06:39,880 --> 00:06:41,291
over to that dart board.
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00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:42,970
You get closest
to the bull's-eye,
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00:06:43,080 --> 00:06:46,323
I'll buy everyone
in this bar a drink, okay?
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00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:50,001
I get closest, you buy me
a drink and you apologize
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for being a dick.
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Yeah, you're on.
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Pretty good.
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Sometimes when people get close
to the bull's-eye,
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they get a little cocky.
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Sure hope that isn't gonna be
your problem.
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Yeah.
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Knight the kings.
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Oh!
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Goddamn it, Gary,
not again!
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The blade missed
most of Roy's tendons.
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And, like the previous
three times,
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he was soon back at the bar
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with little more
than a bruised ego.
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Why would you buy a showerhead
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from a country
that doesn't take showers?
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00:07:40,480 --> 00:07:42,608
Don't buy that toilet,
that toilet was made in Africa.
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Pygmies made that toilet
and they take small shits.
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Your turd, your potty,
your poo, as it were,
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won't make it past the flusher.
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Yoo-hoo.
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No, seriously,
why would you buy a faucet
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from a country in the midst
of a drought?
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I don't know what
you're putting up,
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but that ain't gonna hold it.
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I want you to trust me
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00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:03,083
because I'm probably the only
person in this whole store
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that'll tell you the truth.
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Now, if you need anything at
all, you call me.
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I'm Gary Faulkner,
your go-to handyman.
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Oh, what...
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Gary Faulkner.
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00:08:17,440 --> 00:08:18,885
Marci Mitchell.
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Oh, my God!
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I cannot believe it!
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You look great.
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00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:26,245
You look great.
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I had so many fantasies
about you in high school.
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I must've gone through
about 100 boxes of Kleenex.
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That is disgusting,
but I'll take it.
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- Why would you... -Because I
always had a crush on you.
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What've you been doing
all these years?
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Oh, my life is boring.
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Uh, you know...
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- went in and out
of community college, -Uh-huh.
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And then, you know, now I work
at The Olive Garden.
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Olive Garden, that's a great
restaurant. Well, good.
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00:08:48,640 --> 00:08:50,802
- I answer phones
at a dentist office. -Uh-huh.
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- Calligraphy on the side.
- Calligraphy?
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00:08:52,520 --> 00:08:54,124
For wedding invitations,
stuff like that.
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Dating only idiots.
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Uh, 'cause that--
those are the kinds of people
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- that can spend time with me,
with my schedule. -Uh-huh.
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00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:02,445
- You know, losers that have
nothing else to do. -Yeah.
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Um...
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00:09:03,680 --> 00:09:05,603
You remember my sister Carrie?
197
00:09:05,720 --> 00:09:08,530
Sure, yeah, she made you look
like a girl scout.
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00:09:09,760 --> 00:09:12,366
Uh... well, she,
she passed away.
199
00:09:12,480 --> 00:09:14,050
And, uh, she OD'd
200
00:09:14,160 --> 00:09:16,606
in Colorado Springs,
like, eight years ago.
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00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:19,610
Wow, that's--
I'm-I'm sorry, that's...
202
00:09:19,720 --> 00:09:21,848
- She got really bad into drugs
and, uh.. -l'm sorry.
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00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:23,121
Yeah.
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00:09:23,240 --> 00:09:24,844
Had a kid with her dealer 'cause
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00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:29,005
that's a... kind of stupid
decision you make, but, um...
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00:09:29,120 --> 00:09:30,042
And what happened to the kid?
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00:09:30,160 --> 00:09:31,605
I adopted her.
208
00:09:31,720 --> 00:09:33,484
- Oh. -Lizzie, she's my little
pflncess.
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00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:36,524
She's, like... all I have
in the world, so...
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00:09:36,640 --> 00:09:38,165
- Oh, that's awesome!
- Yeah.
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00:09:38,280 --> 00:09:40,169
- I got to keep it together
because of her. -Wow.
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00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:42,362
- And, uh, it's why I'm working
three jobs, that I... -Yeah.
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00:09:42,480 --> 00:09:43,641
Hate.
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00:09:43,760 --> 00:09:45,125
Well, I'll drink t0 that.
215
00:09:45,240 --> 00:09:46,651
Well, I don't
do that anymore, so...
216
00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:48,250
- No. Shit!
- I don't do that.
217
00:09:48,360 --> 00:09:50,966
Only making good decisions.
218
00:09:51,080 --> 00:09:53,162
Hey, listen, do you want
to get an ice cream sundae
219
00:09:53,320 --> 00:09:54,446
with me tonight?
220
00:09:54,560 --> 00:09:56,130
Let's have ice cream.
221
00:09:56,280 --> 00:09:57,406
- Great.
- Not tonight.
222
00:09:57,520 --> 00:09:59,204
- Okay.
- I can't do it tonight.
223
00:09:59,320 --> 00:10:01,368
- But tomorrow night?
- Great.
224
00:10:01,480 --> 00:10:04,131
We're gonna have ice cream,
but you have to find me.
225
00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:06,607
Listen, you still got
that awesome tattoo?
226
00:10:12,400 --> 00:10:13,890
Yes!
227
00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:15,240
I'll find you.
228
00:10:17,920 --> 00:10:21,845
They don't call me
the psychic wizard for nothing.
229
00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:25,730
In the past five years,
230
00:10:25,840 --> 00:10:27,524
it appears that Osama bin Laden
231
00:10:27,640 --> 00:10:29,165
and billions
of American dollars
232
00:10:29,280 --> 00:10:30,725
have all but disappeared
233
00:10:30,840 --> 00:10:33,002
into the mountains
of western Pakistan.
234
00:10:33,120 --> 00:10:35,566
I'm serious, Pickles, we
got to get on this immediately!
235
00:10:35,680 --> 00:10:37,762
No waiting, no hesitating!
236
00:10:37,880 --> 00:10:39,564
Got to get on this
right fucking now!
237
00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:41,250
What the fuck is going on, man?
238
00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:42,850
Did you see that shit?
239
00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:44,803
No, I didn't see-- Gary, look,
listen to me, -What?
240
00:10:44,920 --> 00:10:46,888
You got to stop with
the noise, okay?
241
00:10:47,040 --> 00:10:48,280
We can't deal with it anymore,
242
00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:50,004
we can't sleep back there.
243
00:10:50,120 --> 00:10:50,928
You've been here
for three months.
244
00:10:51,040 --> 00:10:51,927
You got to get a job,
245
00:10:52,040 --> 00:10:53,166
you got to get out of here, man.
246
00:10:53,280 --> 00:10:54,486
W- What-- so? I'm sorry, okay?
247
00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:55,726
I'll quiet down. What is it?
248
00:10:57,400 --> 00:10:59,607
I love you, but you got to
get out of here, man.
249
00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:02,366
- Oh!
- You got to go.
250
00:11:02,480 --> 00:11:04,528
You got to find a different
couch to sleep on, okay?
251
00:11:04,680 --> 00:11:07,160
- Come on.
- l'm sorry, I'll, uh...
252
00:11:07,280 --> 00:11:08,406
Well, l00k, I'll...
253
00:11:08,560 --> 00:11:09,686
let mejust, uh...
254
00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:11,245
if I can just finish tonight...
255
00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:12,691
- Yeah, just...
- and I'll clean up.
256
00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:14,484
Yeah, just stay here tonight,
it's fine.
257
00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:16,409
Thank you, buddy. Okay. -She's
trying to sleep, all right?
258
00:11:16,520 --> 00:11:17,567
Hey, you remember what
tomorrow is, right?
259
00:11:17,680 --> 00:11:19,762
- What?
- Dialysis.
260
00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:20,688
- Oh, right, yeah.
- Dialysis, all right.
261
00:11:20,800 --> 00:11:22,689
Yeah, I remember now.
Thanks, Pickles.
262
00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:24,564
So, tomorrow you're out.
263
00:11:24,680 --> 00:11:27,001
It is said that on a cold day
264
00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:28,446
in Valley Forge,
265
00:11:28,560 --> 00:11:30,562
George Washington talked to God
266
00:11:30,680 --> 00:11:33,331
as young Americans died
on the battlefield.
267
00:11:33,440 --> 00:11:35,442
Abraham Lincoln
talked to God daily.
268
00:11:35,560 --> 00:11:38,723
But Gary did them one better.
269
00:11:40,120 --> 00:11:42,282
Hello, Gary.
270
00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:45,449
Holy shit.
271
00:11:45,560 --> 00:11:48,006
Yes, I take a holy shit
every day.
272
00:11:48,120 --> 00:11:49,326
GOd?
273
00:11:49,440 --> 00:11:51,010
Well, Gary, I have many names.
274
00:11:51,120 --> 00:11:53,566
But God's kind of catchy,
don't you think?
275
00:11:53,680 --> 00:11:56,604
But you're the one true God?
Who created the universe?
276
00:11:56,720 --> 00:11:58,210
Yeah, more or less,
277
00:11:58,360 --> 00:12:00,089
but let's not dwell on that
cosmic shit right now.
278
00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:01,770
I've got a favor
to ask you, Gary.
279
00:12:01,880 --> 00:12:03,609
A favor?
280
00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:05,484
Atiny, little favor that
I'd like you, Gary Faulkner,
281
00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:06,726
to do for me.
282
00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:07,966
Of course.
283
00:12:09,600 --> 00:12:12,444
I'm calling it a favor
to be compassionate,
284
00:12:12,560 --> 00:12:13,971
and kind, and nice.
285
00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:18,165
It's more like a command really.
286
00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:19,406
You understand?
287
00:12:19,520 --> 00:12:20,567
I do.
288
00:12:20,680 --> 00:12:21,920
Okay, cool.
289
00:12:22,040 --> 00:12:24,361
I need you to go over
to Pakistan
290
00:12:24,480 --> 00:12:27,609
and capture that son of a bitch
Osama bin Laden for me.
291
00:12:27,720 --> 00:12:28,926
OBL?
292
00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:30,451
He's got to be taken down.
293
00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:32,921
He pulled that 9/11 shit
and fucked me right over.
294
00:12:33,040 --> 00:12:35,202
Now he's got to pay the price.
295
00:12:35,320 --> 00:12:37,527
No one else seems
to be able to do it, Gary.
296
00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:39,244
And my patience
is getting wafer thin.
297
00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:42,165
Capture bin Laden?
298
00:12:42,320 --> 00:12:44,243
Capture him,
bring him back alive though.
299
00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:46,931
Remember, thou shall not kill.
300
00:12:47,040 --> 00:12:48,451
S0 we're good?
301
00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:50,642
You'll go to Pakistan and
capture Osama bin Laden for me.
302
00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:52,250
Perfect.
303
00:12:52,360 --> 00:12:54,442
Oh, just so you know, Gary,
this is probably it.
304
00:12:54,560 --> 00:12:56,722
I've got no plans
to ever speak to you again,
305
00:12:56,840 --> 00:12:58,524
but I am everywhere, you know?
306
00:12:58,640 --> 00:13:00,722
All knowing, all seeing.
307
00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:02,405
Which, by the way,
isn't as much fun
308
00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:04,204
as it's cracked up to be.
309
00:13:07,360 --> 00:13:09,761
Wait. What do you mean?
310
00:13:11,640 --> 00:13:13,165
Dr. Jones to ER.
311
00:13:13,280 --> 00:13:15,408
Dr. Jones to ER.
312
00:13:25,640 --> 00:13:29,406
Oh, my God.
313
00:13:29,520 --> 00:13:30,931
How did you find me?
314
00:13:31,080 --> 00:13:32,809
I don't want to say I'm psychic,
315
00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:34,206
but if the shoe fits.
316
00:13:35,880 --> 00:13:37,405
Well, get in here.
317
00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:38,931
Oh, I want
to introduce you to Lizzie.
318
00:13:39,040 --> 00:13:40,724
She's got some challenges.
She doesn't talk.
319
00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:42,245
Oh, yeah.
320
00:13:42,360 --> 00:13:43,964
Well, you know, everybody talks,
321
00:13:44,080 --> 00:13:46,003
but only the real smart ones
don't use their mouths,
322
00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:47,246
right, Lizzie?
323
00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:48,691
Oh, and you have got
324
00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:50,131
a killer smile.
325
00:13:50,240 --> 00:13:51,765
Which can be used both
as a friendly thing
326
00:13:51,880 --> 00:13:54,042
and also as a weapon, which I'm
sure you're already aware of.
327
00:13:54,160 --> 00:13:56,083
Nonetheless, it's great to
finally meet you.
328
00:13:56,200 --> 00:13:57,565
Lizzie...
329
00:13:57,680 --> 00:13:59,842
have you got a power animal?
330
00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:01,689
Like a spirit animal?
331
00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:03,006
Like a guide?
I'll bet you do.
332
00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:04,770
See, mine's the donkey.
333
00:14:04,880 --> 00:14:08,441
Now, my dad used to call me
a jackass when I was a kid.
334
00:14:08,560 --> 00:14:10,210
And at first I thought
it was an insult,
335
00:14:10,320 --> 00:14:11,810
and then I realized
it's a compliment
336
00:14:11,920 --> 00:14:13,763
because jackasses are true,
hardworking
337
00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:15,450
andl0yaL
338
00:14:15,560 --> 00:14:16,925
Now, what's your power animal?
339
00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:19,407
Oh! '
340
00:14:19,520 --> 00:14:20,885
The seagull, good choice!
341
00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:22,331
Butterscotch or chocolate?
342
00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:24,727
I'm a butterscotch man myself,
343
00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:26,450
but I can go either way.
344
00:14:26,560 --> 00:14:27,721
Just like to make sure
everybody's happy
345
00:14:27,840 --> 00:14:29,330
with the sundaes and stuff.
346
00:14:29,440 --> 00:14:31,681
Butterscotch, goddamn it!
347
00:14:31,800 --> 00:14:34,007
Looks like I'm having
chocolate again.
348
00:14:34,120 --> 00:14:37,522
And I think I remember you like
the mint chocolate chip.
349
00:14:37,640 --> 00:14:39,130
How the hell
did you remember that?
350
00:14:39,240 --> 00:14:40,810
Mind like a steel trap.
351
00:14:42,160 --> 00:14:44,811
You and Osama bin Laden?
352
00:14:44,920 --> 00:14:47,002
How does that work?
What-what's your plan?
353
00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:48,485
Well, okay, you see,
that right off the bat
354
00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:50,523
is a bit of a misnomer
'cause it's not my plan,
355
00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:51,846
it's God's plan.
356
00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:54,247
I didn't make the rules,
God did.
357
00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:55,850
But the plan is
358
00:14:55,960 --> 00:14:58,691
I'm thinking about buying a boat
and sailing to Pakistan...
359
00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:01,326
- "Sailing to Pakistan?"
- Yeah, I was gonna...
360
00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:03,044
go to San Diego, buy a boat,
sail to Pakistan,
361
00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:04,605
capture Osama bin Laden,
362
00:15:04,720 --> 00:15:06,404
bring him back to America
forjustice and stuff.
363
00:15:06,520 --> 00:15:08,522
That's the plan-- it's pretty
simple when you think about it.
364
00:15:08,640 --> 00:15:11,007
That's crazy.
365
00:15:11,120 --> 00:15:12,406
Uaughs)
366
00:15:12,520 --> 00:15:14,249
Sometimes,
367
00:15:14,360 --> 00:15:16,362
things are so sane
368
00:15:16,480 --> 00:15:19,484
they are beyond
our comprehension...
369
00:15:19,600 --> 00:15:21,125
Do you know anything
about sailing?
370
00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:22,810
Marci!
371
00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:24,285
You're so funny!
372
00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:27,125
The pirates did it,
the Pilgrims did it,
373
00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:29,288
and they weren't even
21st century guys.
374
00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:31,368
I'm a 21st century guy!
375
00:15:31,480 --> 00:15:34,723
Gary, boats are
very expensive, right?
376
00:15:34,840 --> 00:15:36,330
Do you have that kind of money?
377
00:15:36,440 --> 00:15:37,805
I got a little tucked away.
378
00:15:37,920 --> 00:15:39,649
You'd be surprised
how much you can save
379
00:15:39,760 --> 00:15:41,364
when you don't pay your bills
and you live on job sites.
380
00:15:41,480 --> 00:15:44,643
Uh, things get
particularly "traumaticals,"
381
00:15:44,760 --> 00:15:46,569
I can ask Dr. Ross,
who's my kidney doctor,
382
00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:47,841
and he always has
some money around
383
00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:49,689
to give to a worthy cause.
384
00:15:49,840 --> 00:15:52,411
And I'm thinking about taking
Roy and Pickles with me to Vegas
385
00:15:52,520 --> 00:15:54,363
to make a little
extra cash for my trip.
386
00:15:56,320 --> 00:15:58,288
You see, I'm doing this
387
00:15:58,400 --> 00:15:59,811
for people like you and Lizzie,
388
00:15:59,920 --> 00:16:02,651
to bring the fight
into his backyard,
389
00:16:02,760 --> 00:16:04,046
to bring the fight to him,
390
00:16:04,160 --> 00:16:06,845
so he doesn't come
into our backyard.
391
00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:08,485
Well, walk me through it.
392
00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:10,329
What are you gonna do,
just fight him and kill him?
393
00:16:10,440 --> 00:16:12,090
No, no, that would be too easy.
394
00:16:12,240 --> 00:16:13,730
And I was told to capture him.
395
00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:16,207
And l-l don't want
to kill anyone, anyway.
396
00:16:16,320 --> 00:16:18,527
I think I would just...
kill him,
397
00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:19,766
on the spot, you know?
398
00:16:19,880 --> 00:16:21,166
I mean, not face-to-face,
399
00:16:21,280 --> 00:16:22,611
I don't want to see him
face-to-face,
400
00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:24,165
but from far away, definitely.
401
00:16:24,280 --> 00:16:25,691
Yeah, well,
if it comes down to that,
402
00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:27,529
then I'll drop a gun
in front of him
403
00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:29,404
I'll drop a gun
in front of me,
404
00:16:29,520 --> 00:16:31,363
and we'll draw, fair and square,
405
00:16:31,480 --> 00:16:32,891
Old West style.
406
00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:42,122
Your ramp is a piece of shit.
407
00:16:42,240 --> 00:16:43,969
I know.
408
00:16:44,080 --> 00:16:46,447
L- l can't afford to have it
fixed right now, so...
409
00:16:46,560 --> 00:16:49,211
You and Lizzie...
410
00:16:49,360 --> 00:16:52,011
you deserve better.
411
00:16:55,640 --> 00:16:57,449
Good night, Gary.
412
00:16:57,560 --> 00:16:58,925
Night.
413
00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:08,407
Yah! Eh-yah-eh!
414
00:17:08,520 --> 00:17:11,091
Cha! Eh-yah-eh!
415
00:17:11,200 --> 00:17:12,565
- Yah!
“
416
00:17:12,680 --> 00:17:13,841
What the fuck?
417
00:17:13,960 --> 00:17:15,086
You're awful pretty
418
00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:16,326
first thing in the morning.
419
00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:19,046
I consider that a positive sign!
420
00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:21,401
Well, you look like shit.
421
00:17:21,560 --> 00:17:22,925
And you got a sense of humor,
422
00:17:23,040 --> 00:17:25,008
'cause I know that's not true.
flaughs)
423
00:17:25,120 --> 00:17:26,485
Hey, listen.
These are my buddies,
424
00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:28,409
Roy...
425
00:17:28,520 --> 00:17:30,045
- Good morning.
- Pickles...
426
00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:31,764
- How are you? -Two of the nicest
dudes you'll ever meet.
427
00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:33,803
I... thank you
428
00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:35,046
for what you're doing,
429
00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:36,321
but, you know, it's really early
430
00:17:36,440 --> 00:17:37,646
and Lizzie's still asleep, so...
431
00:17:37,760 --> 00:17:38,921
Now, listen,
when we're finished,
432
00:17:39,040 --> 00:17:40,201
you're gonna have
a brand-new ramp
433
00:17:40,320 --> 00:17:41,651
and it's gonna be the envy
434
00:17:41,760 --> 00:17:43,250
of every crippled kid
in the neighborhood.
435
00:17:43,360 --> 00:17:44,725
We don't say "cripple."
She's challenged.
436
00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:46,729
Oh. You mean like us guys.
437
00:17:46,840 --> 00:17:48,683
Uaughs) Yeah.
438
00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:49,961
Um...
439
00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:51,411
Thank you.
440
00:17:51,520 --> 00:17:52,646
How much... how much
do I owe you for this?
441
00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:54,768
Marci Mitchell, not a dime.
442
00:17:54,880 --> 00:17:56,370
That little girl
deserves the best.
443
00:17:56,480 --> 00:17:59,165
But it might just cost you
a whole lot of love.
444
00:18:01,040 --> 00:18:02,644
Well, um...
445
00:18:02,760 --> 00:18:05,730
- I might be a little
short this month. -Ooh.
446
00:18:05,840 --> 00:18:07,490
See, now there's
that smile again.
447
00:18:07,600 --> 00:18:09,762
That smile is something
448
00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:11,120
I'm gonna be thinking
a lot about
449
00:18:11,240 --> 00:18:12,401
while I'm sailing to Pakistan.
450
00:18:12,520 --> 00:18:13,965
You are glowing,
451
00:18:14,080 --> 00:18:15,206
Marci Mitchell.
452
00:18:15,360 --> 00:18:17,044
You are radioactive.
453
00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:19,811
You are my lucky charm.
454
00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:23,129
IJ'
455
00:18:23,240 --> 00:18:25,288
I'm telling you, it was God.
456
00:18:25,400 --> 00:18:27,721
Like, Old Testament,
New Testament Lord on high.
457
00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:29,365
He came to my bedside
in the free clinic
458
00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:30,686
and he told me to do this.
459
00:18:30,800 --> 00:18:32,006
And I know you guys
are skeptics.
460
00:18:32,120 --> 00:18:33,326
Pickles, I know you're, like,
461
00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:35,488
quasi-Buddhist backslash
Senecan stoic,
462
00:18:35,600 --> 00:18:37,011
but I'm telling you it was God,
he spoke to me,
463
00:18:37,120 --> 00:18:38,724
and I gotta do this!
464
00:18:38,840 --> 00:18:40,080
Hey, man, we're not arguing.
465
00:18:40,200 --> 00:18:42,362
We love Vegas.
466
00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:43,970
what did God look like?
467
00:18:44,080 --> 00:18:46,242
About how you'd imagine.
Maybe a little younger.
468
00:18:46,360 --> 00:18:48,010
That's weird, I always thought
he would've looked like
469
00:18:48,120 --> 00:18:49,565
Phil Donahue
or someone like that.
470
00:18:49,680 --> 00:18:50,920
I always thought
he'd be, like, a lion
471
00:18:51,040 --> 00:18:52,246
with, like,
James Earl Jones' voice.
472
00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:53,561
Mm, that's cool.
473
00:18:53,680 --> 00:18:55,205
Hey, what did God say
we should play?
474
00:18:55,360 --> 00:18:56,646
You play whatever you want.
475
00:18:56,760 --> 00:18:58,250
This is God's house,
it's like a church.
476
00:18:58,360 --> 00:18:59,486
We can't lose.
477
00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:02,729
Come on, red!
478
00:19:02,840 --> 00:19:04,888
Oh!
479
00:19:08,880 --> 00:19:10,325
- Go.
- Let 'em come.
480
00:19:13,160 --> 00:19:15,128
Qhl
481
00:19:18,440 --> 00:19:20,249
Uh...
482
00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:21,850
I don't know, I think...
483
00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:23,485
I'm all right.
I'm all right right there.
484
00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:25,369
- N0. Gary, come on. -No, no, no.
No, no. Don't do it.
485
00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:27,687
Qh! Oh!
486
00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:29,325
You did it!
487
00:19:29,440 --> 00:19:31,602
He's my friend.
He is my friend.
488
00:19:31,720 --> 00:19:32,846
- And he is lucky.
- Hey.
489
00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:34,291
Are you smoking marijuana?
490
00:19:34,440 --> 00:19:36,044
N0 shit, Einstein.
491
00:19:36,160 --> 00:19:37,650
You think I might be
smoking some weed?
492
00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:38,886
Uh, you need to put
that out right now
493
00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:40,445
or we're gonna call the cops.
494
00:19:40,560 --> 00:19:43,609
Oh, you're gonna call the cops
on The G.
495
00:19:46,240 --> 00:19:48,322
All right.
Don't be a buzzkill.
496
00:19:48,440 --> 00:19:49,566
Get out of my sight.
497
00:20:08,080 --> 00:20:12,051
Man, I been seeing
you shitheads all night.
498
00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:13,571
What the holy hell do you want?
499
00:20:16,640 --> 00:20:19,007
What do a bunch of
Columbian drug lords
500
00:20:19,120 --> 00:20:21,043
care about Al-Qaeda anyway?
501
00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:29,006
Yeah, right.
502
00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:32,084
This ain't my first rodeo,
hombre.
503
00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:44,529
And what if I don't?
504
00:20:53,640 --> 00:20:55,005
Ow!
505
00:20:55,120 --> 00:20:56,610
Hey, man...
506
00:20:58,360 --> 00:20:59,850
Ow!
507
00:21:22,120 --> 00:21:25,124
Those Columbians stole
all my money!
508
00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:26,685
Wait, wait, wait.
What Columbians?
509
00:21:26,800 --> 00:21:28,484
The drug ones!
510
00:21:28,640 --> 00:21:30,051
What are you talking about, man?
511
00:21:30,160 --> 00:21:31,924
You lost your money
at the tables last night.
512
00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:33,201
Yeah, man, you sh0uld've quit
while were you ahead.
513
00:21:33,320 --> 00:21:35,607
- You fucked up.
- N0!
514
00:21:35,720 --> 00:21:37,085
You guys want to hit
the breakfast buffet?
515
00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:39,282
Ah!
516
00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:41,766
Nurse Taylor,
517
00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:43,484
how is Dr. Ross today?
518
00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:45,967
Is he feeling in a good mood?
He's happy?
519
00:21:46,080 --> 00:21:47,286
- Chipper?
- Oh, yeah.
520
00:21:47,400 --> 00:21:48,845
- Oh, good.
- lt's a golf day.
521
00:21:48,960 --> 00:21:50,121
Yes. Golf day, yes.
522
00:21:51,640 --> 00:21:52,766
Everything's looking good, Gary.
523
00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:54,041
Excellent.
524
00:21:54,160 --> 00:21:55,446
- Gary!
- Dr. Ross, hi.
525
00:21:55,560 --> 00:21:56,846
How you feeling?
Good to see you.
526
00:21:57,000 --> 00:21:57,967
- Yeah, you, too.
- How have you been feeling?
527
00:21:58,080 --> 00:21:59,366
Uh, yeah, good.
528
00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:01,528
Good. Listen, uh...
Nurse Taylor, is...
529
00:22:01,640 --> 00:22:03,210
Dr. Ross, is it okay
if I just, uh,
530
00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:04,765
- talk with you in private
for a minute? -Absolutely.
531
00:22:04,880 --> 00:22:06,006
Oh, thank you.
532
00:22:06,120 --> 00:22:07,451
- Excuse me.
- Thank you.
533
00:22:07,560 --> 00:22:08,800
I can't believe
you're still alive.
534
00:22:08,920 --> 00:22:10,285
Your blood work is amazing.
535
00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:12,448
Thank you so...
Well, it's because of you.
536
00:22:12,600 --> 00:22:14,090
You and your care for me.
537
00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:16,168
You've kept me afloat
with my kidney problem,
538
00:22:16,280 --> 00:22:18,442
you helped me with my
pre-dialysis hallucinations...
539
00:22:18,560 --> 00:22:19,925
The other thing I want to say
to you, Dr. R0ss--
540
00:22:20,040 --> 00:22:22,168
in many ways, I feel like
you're a brother to me.
541
00:22:22,280 --> 00:22:24,044
- Thank you. -I really care
so much about you.
542
00:22:24,160 --> 00:22:26,447
Because you care.
You're a good man.
543
00:22:26,560 --> 00:22:28,801
You're a charitable man.
And you care about
544
00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:30,649
what's going on in our country.
545
00:22:30,760 --> 00:22:32,410
I've got a charity
546
00:22:32,520 --> 00:22:35,091
- that I would like to maybe
ask you to invest in. -Okay.
547
00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:37,282
- All right. -'Cause I know you
take that stuff seriously.
548
00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:40,244
I'm going to sail to Pakistan.
549
00:22:40,360 --> 00:22:42,283
I'm gonna capture
Osama bin Laden
550
00:22:42,400 --> 00:22:43,890
and bring him back to America
forjustice and stuff,
551
00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:45,126
- 'cause I think...
- l'm sorry,
552
00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:46,366
say that again?
553
00:22:46,480 --> 00:22:47,970
I'm gonna go get Osama bin Laden
554
00:22:48,080 --> 00:22:49,491
out of Pakistan and I want
555
00:22:49,600 --> 00:22:51,443
to keep you safe, I want to keep
556
00:22:51,560 --> 00:22:53,767
America safe and, frankly,
I want to keep me safe.
557
00:22:53,880 --> 00:22:55,723
- What are you talking about?
- What I'm talking about
558
00:22:55,840 --> 00:22:57,604
is that l-|- |- l'm gonna
buy a sailboat
559
00:22:57,720 --> 00:23:00,246
and I thought maybe-- 'cause my
dance card is a little light--
560
00:23:00,360 --> 00:23:02,601
that maybe you could
loan me a thousand bucks,
561
00:23:02,720 --> 00:23:04,370
because l-l don't,
it's a little light,
562
00:23:04,480 --> 00:23:06,130
and I'll pay you back,
$250 a week,
563
00:23:06,240 --> 00:23:09,449
and then we can take care of
this Al-Qaeda issue together.
564
00:23:09,560 --> 00:23:11,642
- A sailboat.
- Yeah, to go to Pakistan
565
00:23:11,760 --> 00:23:13,728
to capture, uh, bin Laden.
566
00:23:13,840 --> 00:23:16,411
What do you really
want the money for?
567
00:23:17,800 --> 00:23:19,211
Are you in some kind of trouble?
568
00:23:19,320 --> 00:23:20,526
Oh...
569
00:23:20,640 --> 00:23:21,766
I lied.
570
00:23:21,920 --> 00:23:23,604
- Yes.
- l'm sorry.
571
00:23:23,720 --> 00:23:25,051
That's a crazy story.
572
00:23:25,160 --> 00:23:26,286
I mean, how can you sail
a boat to Pakistan?
573
00:23:26,400 --> 00:23:27,925
I mean, if you stop dialysis,
574
00:23:28,040 --> 00:23:29,201
you're gonna start
hallucinating.
575
00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:30,446
No, uh...
576
00:23:30,560 --> 00:23:32,244
Uh, I...
577
00:23:32,360 --> 00:23:33,486
Oh, it's humiliating.
578
00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:35,722
Dr. Ross...
579
00:23:35,840 --> 00:23:38,002
there's a girl l-| really love.
580
00:23:38,120 --> 00:23:41,010
And, uh, I can't afford
the engagement ring.
581
00:23:41,120 --> 00:23:42,531
There's one
for a thousand bucks,
582
00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:44,130
and I wanted to get her
a diamond ring
583
00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:46,402
so that I could get engaged.
584
00:23:50,520 --> 00:23:51,646
0K8)'-
585
00:23:51,760 --> 00:23:53,683
Oh, bless your heart, Dr. Ross.
586
00:23:53,800 --> 00:23:56,041
- Y-You're telling me
the truth now? -Absolutely.
587
00:23:56,200 --> 00:23:57,690
You're not gonna get on a boat
and sail to Pakistan?
588
00:23:57,800 --> 00:23:59,245
N0.
589
00:23:59,360 --> 00:24:00,441
Osama bin Laden.
590
00:24:00,560 --> 00:24:02,403
Me? Look at me. Wrong.
591
00:24:02,520 --> 00:24:04,727
- I got dialysis problems.
- Yeah, that's why
592
00:24:04,880 --> 00:24:06,245
I was wondering,
how would you do dialysis
593
00:24:06,360 --> 00:24:08,089
if you were on a boat
sailing to Pakistan?
594
00:24:08,200 --> 00:24:09,326
- I couldn't do it.
- You couldn't do it.
595
00:24:09,440 --> 00:24:10,851
I wouldn't be able do it, man.
596
00:24:10,960 --> 00:24:12,291
I'll go get my checkbook.
597
00:24:12,400 --> 00:24:15,051
- L'll be right back.
- Yeah!
598
00:24:15,160 --> 00:24:16,286
Yeah!
599
00:24:16,400 --> 00:24:18,402
IJ'
600
00:24:26,400 --> 00:24:28,687
Hey, man, I don't want to...
I don't want to be that guy,
601
00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:30,529
but, um...
602
00:24:30,640 --> 00:24:32,688
I'm pretty sure
you can't sail to Pakistan.
603
00:24:32,800 --> 00:24:35,963
Yeah, well, they told George
Washington the same thing.
604
00:24:36,080 --> 00:24:37,650
They told
George Washington he...
605
00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:39,489
l- l'm pretty sure
they told George Washington
606
00:24:39,600 --> 00:24:41,090
he couldn't cut down
a tree or something.
607
00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:43,771
It's just a figure of speech.
608
00:24:43,880 --> 00:24:45,609
Look, I'm just saying,
dude, like,
609
00:24:45,720 --> 00:24:47,085
have you looked at a globe?
610
00:24:47,200 --> 00:24:49,328
- It's kind of a long
way to go... -Ah.
611
00:24:49,440 --> 00:24:51,044
- ...in a boat.
- Ah. Ah.
612
00:24:51,160 --> 00:24:52,685
You know, you can do it, too,
that-that's...
613
00:24:52,840 --> 00:24:54,444
you can...
you can do a lot of stuff
614
00:24:54,560 --> 00:24:55,721
if you just kind of...
615
00:24:55,840 --> 00:24:57,171
Hey, you know, can l...?
616
00:24:57,280 --> 00:24:58,611
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
hey, hey, hey, thanks.
617
00:24:58,720 --> 00:25:00,609
So are these mussels?
- Yeah, man.
618
00:25:00,720 --> 00:25:03,041
So, I... they're not eating
fish poo on the ground, right?
619
00:25:03,160 --> 00:25:05,686
- No. -Like the crabs and
the oysters eat the fish shit?
620
00:25:05,800 --> 00:25:07,529
- Yeah, yeah. -S0 these are
eating, what, krill? Kelp? What?
621
00:25:07,640 --> 00:25:10,564
Yeah. Like, fallity
of the ocean stuff.
622
00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:12,170
- Ah, so fresh stuff, live stuff.
So... -Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
623
00:25:12,320 --> 00:25:14,322
- Like, healthy stuff.
- I could eat that, right?
624
00:25:14,440 --> 00:25:16,204
You could do, like,
a soup or something?
625
00:25:16,320 --> 00:25:17,560
- A broth, a bouillabaisse?
- Yeah.
626
00:25:17,680 --> 00:25:19,330
- Good eatin'.
- S0 do I need to get...
627
00:25:19,440 --> 00:25:20,726
Maybe do you have,
like, some scuba gear...
628
00:25:20,840 --> 00:25:22,285
...or, like, a snorkel and shit
629
00:25:22,400 --> 00:25:23,765
so I can get off the boat
and scrape those off
630
00:25:23,880 --> 00:25:25,689
and then eat 'em
while I'm sailing?
631
00:25:25,800 --> 00:25:27,802
- 'Cause it's a long trip.
- Just grab some, like, goggles
632
00:25:27,960 --> 00:25:29,485
- and a snorkel
and you're good, man. -Okay.
633
00:25:35,000 --> 00:25:37,128
Yeah, I got him. Yeah.
634
00:25:40,200 --> 00:25:41,565
Morning, sir!
635
00:25:41,680 --> 00:25:42,806
- Hi.
- How you doing today?
636
00:25:42,920 --> 00:25:44,604
- Good.
- Good!
637
00:25:44,720 --> 00:25:47,564
You know, you're parked in,
uh, someone else's slip.
638
00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:48,806
What do you mean by "slip"?
639
00:25:48,920 --> 00:25:50,410
- Slip.
- A slip.
640
00:25:50,520 --> 00:25:52,761
Yeah, I saw an empty
parking space and I took it.
641
00:25:52,880 --> 00:25:54,723
Last time I checked,
this was still America.
642
00:25:54,840 --> 00:25:56,330
Yeah, it's not a parking lot.
643
00:25:56,440 --> 00:25:57,566
It's a harbor.
644
00:25:57,680 --> 00:25:59,648
- Uh-huh.
- All of these boats you see,
645
00:25:59,760 --> 00:26:02,286
they're all registered to people
who own these slips.
646
00:26:02,400 --> 00:26:04,846
Okay, officer...
madam... Super Cop,
647
00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:06,889
whatever your name is,
do you know who I am?
648
00:26:07,040 --> 00:26:09,327
Yeah. I'm Gary Faulkner,
649
00:26:09,440 --> 00:26:10,726
and I'm trying to do something
very important here, okay?
650
00:26:10,880 --> 00:26:12,006
I'm trying to protect you.
651
00:26:12,120 --> 00:26:14,088
I'm trying to go to Pakistan
652
00:26:14,200 --> 00:26:15,167
so I can capture
Osama bin Laden.
653
00:26:15,280 --> 00:26:16,805
I'm gonna bring him to justice.
654
00:26:16,920 --> 00:26:18,445
And I think you're...
you're kind of impinging
655
00:26:18,560 --> 00:26:20,449
on important duty right now.
656
00:26:20,560 --> 00:26:22,164
Pakistan's a long way
away, sir.
657
00:26:22,280 --> 00:26:24,169
I am fully aware of it, so if...
658
00:26:24,280 --> 00:26:25,884
The sooner you let me
do my business,
659
00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:27,240
the sooner I can protect you.
660
00:26:27,360 --> 00:26:29,010
You prepared for this trip?
661
00:26:29,120 --> 00:26:30,690
- You got a life preserver?
- No, I do not have
662
00:26:30,800 --> 00:26:32,131
- a life preserver.
- Safety flares.
663
00:26:32,240 --> 00:26:33,685
I do not have safety flares.
664
00:26:33,800 --> 00:26:35,211
- First aid kit?
- I do not have a first aid kit.
665
00:26:35,360 --> 00:26:36,486
In fact, I've never...
666
00:26:36,600 --> 00:26:37,726
Any working knowledge
667
00:26:37,840 --> 00:26:39,046
of how to operate a sailboat?
668
00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:40,611
I have never sailed before.
669
00:26:40,720 --> 00:26:42,051
Which is why I broke my arm,
670
00:26:42,200 --> 00:26:44,202
because I was trying
to higher up the sail.
671
00:26:44,320 --> 00:26:45,526
I was trying to higher it up.
672
00:26:45,640 --> 00:26:48,291
I was trying to raise it.
Hoist it.
673
00:26:48,400 --> 00:26:50,482
0K8)'-
674
00:26:50,600 --> 00:26:52,045
Um...
675
00:26:52,160 --> 00:26:54,401
- gonna get you to hang tight.
- Very good.
676
00:26:54,520 --> 00:26:55,931
- L'm gonna be right back.
- Dig it!
677
00:26:56,040 --> 00:26:57,690
- Okay.
- All right.
678
00:26:57,840 --> 00:26:59,922
I need... I need you
to come down here right now.
679
00:27:00,040 --> 00:27:02,008
IJ'
680
00:27:14,640 --> 00:27:17,644
Okay, clowns!
681
00:27:17,760 --> 00:27:19,808
Doubters, doubters!
682
00:27:19,920 --> 00:27:21,365
Debbie Doubters!
683
00:27:21,480 --> 00:27:23,528
Looks like I'm still sailing!
684
00:27:23,640 --> 00:27:26,120
And you know why
I'm still sailing?
685
00:27:26,240 --> 00:27:29,084
Because it is not my will,
686
00:27:29,200 --> 00:27:30,690
it's God's will.
687
00:27:30,800 --> 00:27:32,450
Shit!
688
00:27:42,080 --> 00:27:44,447
ls this Pakistan?
689
00:27:44,560 --> 00:27:45,766
No, sefior.
690
00:27:47,680 --> 00:27:49,762
Not knowing how to sail
turned out to be
691
00:27:49,880 --> 00:27:51,928
a bigger liability
than I originally thought,
692
00:27:52,040 --> 00:27:54,884
but boy,
Mexico sure is beautiful.
693
00:27:55,000 --> 00:27:57,128
And... to that effect,
694
00:27:57,240 --> 00:27:59,720
on the beach of Mexico,
695
00:27:59,840 --> 00:28:02,081
I found this for you.
696
00:28:02,240 --> 00:28:04,971
I thought you might like
to use it as a hairbrush.
697
00:28:05,120 --> 00:28:06,406
And then, this shell...
698
00:28:06,520 --> 00:28:07,646
Isn't that something?
699
00:28:07,760 --> 00:28:10,127
It looks like a pyramid.
700
00:28:10,240 --> 00:28:13,562
And then this is
the venomous cone shell.
701
00:28:13,680 --> 00:28:15,603
Now, this animal
is very powerful.
702
00:28:15,720 --> 00:28:17,245
It shoots a poison dart out--
703
00:28:17,360 --> 00:28:19,249
Barn! Right there,
you're dead in two seconds.
704
00:28:19,360 --> 00:28:21,249
Glad I didn't get hit with that.
705
00:28:21,360 --> 00:28:23,522
And this one looks like
a spiral staircase.
706
00:28:23,680 --> 00:28:26,206
Now, I want to make a spiral
staircase for you one day.
707
00:28:26,320 --> 00:28:27,845
You can have it and
it'll be made out of oak.
708
00:28:27,960 --> 00:28:29,803
Oh.
709
00:28:29,920 --> 00:28:31,843
Yeah. And I got
something for you.
710
00:28:31,960 --> 00:28:33,166
J' Dah-dah-dah-dah! J'
711
00:28:35,040 --> 00:28:36,804
San Diego, huh?
712
00:28:38,720 --> 00:28:41,724
- Oh, well, thank you for
thinking of me. -You're welcome.
713
00:28:41,840 --> 00:28:44,002
- L'm glad you're okay.
- l'm always okay.
714
00:28:44,120 --> 00:28:46,327
Well, you know, I'm just
thinking about the dialysis.
715
00:28:46,440 --> 00:28:47,441
Don't you have to go
in for dialysis on your kidney
716
00:28:47,560 --> 00:28:49,608
a couple times a week?
717
00:28:49,720 --> 00:28:52,485
First of all,
the good Lord protects his
718
00:28:52,600 --> 00:28:55,251
sacred warriors,
that's first of all.
719
00:28:55,360 --> 00:28:57,601
I forget second of all.
flaughs)
720
00:28:57,720 --> 00:29:00,690
Well, you had us worried,
you asshole.
721
00:29:02,120 --> 00:29:04,009
I'm sorry.
722
00:29:04,120 --> 00:29:05,690
I'll put a quarter in the jar.
723
00:29:05,800 --> 00:29:07,370
Well, thank you, ladies,
thank you both.
724
00:29:07,480 --> 00:29:09,767
I'm so glad to be back home
with you two.
725
00:29:12,000 --> 00:29:13,968
IJ'
726
00:29:17,840 --> 00:29:19,410
I really love that little girl.
727
00:29:19,520 --> 00:29:21,409
That-that child is amazing.
728
00:29:21,520 --> 00:29:22,931
And she just took to you.
729
00:29:23,040 --> 00:29:25,725
I've never seen her do that
with somebody.
730
00:29:25,840 --> 00:29:28,491
I don't usually let people
get close to her so quickly.
731
00:29:28,600 --> 00:29:30,284
I mean, you're the first guy
I've had in the house
732
00:29:30,400 --> 00:29:31,925
since I broke up with my ex.
733
00:29:32,080 --> 00:29:33,525
I appreciate that.
734
00:29:33,640 --> 00:29:35,449
I'd do anything for her.
735
00:29:35,560 --> 00:29:36,686
I'd do anything for you.
736
00:29:36,800 --> 00:29:39,246
You can count on me.
737
00:29:39,360 --> 00:29:40,930
I'm notjust saying that.
738
00:29:41,040 --> 00:29:43,691
Well, l-l am just saying that,
but l-l mean it.
739
00:29:43,840 --> 00:29:45,649
I'm glad you're here.
740
00:29:45,800 --> 00:29:47,564
I like being here.
741
00:29:47,720 --> 00:29:49,768
Are you seeing anyone right now?
742
00:29:51,160 --> 00:29:52,400
N0.
743
00:29:54,200 --> 00:29:58,205
I... broke up with someone
a year ago and... eh.
744
00:29:58,320 --> 00:30:00,891
It's-it's been almost
three years for me.
745
00:30:03,160 --> 00:30:05,083
Huh.
746
00:30:05,240 --> 00:30:06,730
You're-you're such a stud.
747
00:30:06,840 --> 00:30:08,285
I figured you'd have, like,
748
00:30:08,400 --> 00:30:10,687
girls all over the place,
hidden around and...
749
00:30:10,800 --> 00:30:12,484
No, see that-that's just hype.
750
00:30:12,600 --> 00:30:14,364
See, the thing is...
751
00:30:14,480 --> 00:30:17,051
I'm-I'm picky.
752
00:30:17,160 --> 00:30:18,571
N0, well, I...
753
00:30:18,680 --> 00:30:20,205
I'm overcompensating, see?
754
00:30:20,320 --> 00:30:23,563
'Cause l-l-l don't feel
like that, all that, you know?
755
00:30:23,680 --> 00:30:25,125
And I've-I've had some issues
756
00:30:25,240 --> 00:30:26,526
'cause of the way I talk.
757
00:30:26,640 --> 00:30:28,722
And sometimes the way
l- l look you know?
758
00:30:28,840 --> 00:30:30,569
L-- so I haven't felt
very confident,
759
00:30:30,720 --> 00:30:32,768
but-but I am feeling
something with you.
760
00:30:32,880 --> 00:30:34,723
I'm feeling some
connection with you
761
00:30:34,840 --> 00:30:36,444
and I really...
762
00:30:36,600 --> 00:30:38,011
I really like you, Marci.
763
00:30:43,280 --> 00:30:44,611
Oh, I'm blushing.
764
00:30:44,720 --> 00:30:47,007
I feel like
I'm in high school.
765
00:30:47,120 --> 00:30:48,849
Me too.
766
00:30:48,960 --> 00:30:50,291
Can I kiss you?
767
00:30:50,400 --> 00:30:51,811
You...
768
00:30:51,920 --> 00:30:53,729
What a gentleman.
769
00:30:53,840 --> 00:30:55,251
Yeah.
770
00:31:02,440 --> 00:31:05,523
I barely even remember
how to do this.
771
00:31:05,640 --> 00:31:08,803
You want to go upstairs
and try and remember?
772
00:31:13,960 --> 00:31:15,644
Remember Osama bin Laden?
773
00:31:15,760 --> 00:31:17,922
Public enemy number one,
we got to get Osama bin Laden.
774
00:31:18,040 --> 00:31:20,486
The fact that we can't find him
is a big deal, folks, all right?
775
00:31:20,600 --> 00:31:22,090
He's tethered
to a dialysis machine
776
00:31:22,200 --> 00:31:23,850
that he somehow drags around
from recording session
777
00:31:23,960 --> 00:31:25,450
to recording session.
778
00:31:25,560 --> 00:31:26,891
You know, that-that's
got to leave some sort of
779
00:31:27,000 --> 00:31:28,764
trail in sand,
can't we track that down?
780
00:31:28,880 --> 00:31:30,370
Osama bin Laden.
781
00:31:30,480 --> 00:31:32,562
- You know where he is.
- Definitely.
782
00:31:32,680 --> 00:31:33,647
Because he dumped some woman.
783
00:31:33,760 --> 00:31:35,364
Welcome to Books 'n Shit.
784
00:31:35,480 --> 00:31:36,561
S0 you have a new book out.
785
00:31:36,680 --> 00:31:37,920
- Congratulations by the way.
- Thank you.
786
00:31:38,080 --> 00:31:39,525
Um, it's called
The New Testament.
787
00:31:39,640 --> 00:31:41,051
- The New Testament.
- The New Testament.
788
00:31:41,160 --> 00:31:42,207
It's a sequel of sorts
789
00:31:42,320 --> 00:31:43,526
to the original, um...
790
00:31:43,640 --> 00:31:45,404
- The Old Testament.
- The Old Testament.
791
00:31:45,520 --> 00:31:46,965
Um, is there a movie
in the works?
792
00:31:47,080 --> 00:31:51,324
We are working on a movie,
uh, with James Cameron.
793
00:31:51,440 --> 00:31:52,601
He's great.
794
00:31:52,760 --> 00:31:54,285
Yeah, I mean,
the guy's confident.
795
00:31:57,120 --> 00:31:59,168
You can't buy it in a store,
you can't buy it online,
796
00:31:59,280 --> 00:32:01,044
you can't buy it tomorrow.
797
00:32:01,160 --> 00:32:02,650
This sweet little thing
is limited to one.
798
00:32:02,760 --> 00:32:04,444
This one, the only one.
799
00:32:04,560 --> 00:32:05,846
Are you listening to me, Gary?
800
00:32:05,960 --> 00:32:07,450
Wasps)
- This is Excalibur
801
00:32:07,560 --> 00:32:09,688
brought back to life,
this is Damocles fallen.
802
00:32:09,800 --> 00:32:11,802
This item is available
for a penny.
803
00:32:11,920 --> 00:32:14,810
Atiny, brown, copper sphincter
of nothingness.
804
00:32:14,920 --> 00:32:16,251
Gary? Focus.
805
00:32:16,360 --> 00:32:18,124
- -We're talking
about destiny, Gary.
806
00:32:18,240 --> 00:32:19,366
Carpe diem,
807
00:32:19,480 --> 00:32:21,448
seize the day, seize the moment,
808
00:32:21,560 --> 00:32:22,686
take the blade.
809
00:32:27,040 --> 00:32:29,008
Hi-yah!
810
00:32:29,120 --> 00:32:31,566
Marci, I've been going
about this all wrong.
811
00:32:31,680 --> 00:32:33,887
You know what I'm gonna do now?
I'm gonna change it up.
812
00:32:34,000 --> 00:32:35,490
I'm gonna hang glide
into Pakistan.
813
00:32:35,640 --> 00:32:37,165
Well, that sounds dangerous.
814
00:32:37,280 --> 00:32:39,248
Huy-des!
815
00:32:39,360 --> 00:32:41,647
That's okay, everything about
this mission is dangerous.
816
00:32:41,760 --> 00:32:42,886
Do you even know
how to hang glide?
817
00:32:43,000 --> 00:32:45,082
- N0, but I got a plan.
- What plan?
818
00:32:45,200 --> 00:32:47,407
Israel.
819
00:32:47,520 --> 00:32:49,363
I'm gonna go to a mountain in
Israel and I'm gonna jump off.
820
00:32:49,480 --> 00:32:50,766
If I fly, I fly into Pakistan.
821
00:32:50,880 --> 00:32:52,484
If I crash, I crash
into the Dead Sea,
822
00:32:52,600 --> 00:32:54,489
which is the deepest
hypersaline lake in the world.
823
00:32:54,600 --> 00:32:57,570
Yeah, they about 34% salinity
over there and stuff.
824
00:32:57,680 --> 00:32:59,762
Just about the saltiest
body of water you'll ever see.
825
00:32:59,880 --> 00:33:01,644
S0 everything, no matter
how heavy, floats on it.
826
00:33:01,760 --> 00:33:03,091
S0, ifl crash, I'll float,
which is good
827
00:33:03,200 --> 00:33:04,964
because l-l don't know
how to swim.
828
00:33:05,080 --> 00:33:07,526
- No, that's a terrible idea.
- Marci,
829
00:33:07,640 --> 00:33:10,803
every good idea sounded terrible
at first. Think about it.
830
00:33:10,920 --> 00:33:13,446
Binny boy won't be expecting it,
that's the main thing.
831
00:33:13,560 --> 00:33:15,085
You got to have
the element of surprise.
832
00:33:15,200 --> 00:33:18,329
And the other thing
you got to add is... a sword!
833
00:33:18,440 --> 00:33:20,169
Chi-yag!
834
00:33:20,280 --> 00:33:21,406
You know what?
835
00:33:21,560 --> 00:33:22,686
I'm rude, look at me.
836
00:33:22,800 --> 00:33:24,006
Hogging all the fun.
837
00:33:24,120 --> 00:33:25,451
Come on, let me
show you something.
838
00:33:25,560 --> 00:33:28,006
- Oh...
- Marci, come on. Look at this.
839
00:33:28,120 --> 00:33:29,281
- Okay, turn around.
- Okay.
840
00:33:29,440 --> 00:33:31,204
- Now, hold it in your hand.
- Okay.
841
00:33:31,360 --> 00:33:33,283
Feel the weight,
respect it, respect it.
842
00:33:33,400 --> 00:33:36,085
Now, I want you to just go down
like that, okay?
843
00:33:36,240 --> 00:33:37,526
Mm-hmm. Right.
844
00:33:37,640 --> 00:33:39,608
Okay, now, when I toss it,
845
00:33:39,720 --> 00:33:41,245
you slice it, slice and dice it.
846
00:33:41,360 --> 00:33:42,486
All right, so, let's do this.
847
00:33:42,600 --> 00:33:43,840
Okay, here we go.
848
00:33:44,000 --> 00:33:44,922
And...
849
00:33:45,080 --> 00:33:47,560
Afive, six, seven, eight.
850
00:33:47,680 --> 00:33:50,843
Ah-ha, you did it! Yay!
851
00:33:50,960 --> 00:33:52,291
I see why you like this.
852
00:34:24,720 --> 00:34:26,563
- You work here?
- Yeah.
853
00:34:26,680 --> 00:34:29,081
Okay, listen, I'm looking
to buy a hang glider.
854
00:34:29,200 --> 00:34:30,804
- Okay.
- 'Cause I'm gonna hang glide
855
00:34:30,960 --> 00:34:32,610
- from a mountain in Israel
- Okay.
856
00:34:32,720 --> 00:34:34,688
To Pakistan, 'cause I got to
capture Osama bin Laden
857
00:34:34,840 --> 00:34:36,365
and pull him right out
of his cave.
858
00:34:36,480 --> 00:34:38,323
- That's quite the adventure.
- That's right.
859
00:34:38,440 --> 00:34:41,125
- But I need a hang glider.
- Well, the North Wing, uh,
860
00:34:41,240 --> 00:34:43,641
- she is a sweet, sweet bird,
yeah. -I like that. Sounds good.
861
00:34:43,760 --> 00:34:45,330
"Sweet bird's" what I like.
862
00:34:45,440 --> 00:34:47,647
- Now, I was gonna take
a boom box, -Okay.
863
00:34:47,760 --> 00:34:50,525
Hang it, dangle it,
from the hang glider.
864
00:34:50,640 --> 00:34:54,725
Listen to music to inspire me,
to motivate me for my mission.
865
00:34:54,840 --> 00:34:57,844
What sort of music
would you suggest
866
00:34:57,960 --> 00:34:59,962
would be the best music
to hang glide to?
867
00:35:00,080 --> 00:35:02,526
Okay, well, I wouldn't hang
a boom box from the wing
868
00:35:02,640 --> 00:35:04,324
'cause you're gonna throw off
your balance.
869
00:35:04,440 --> 00:35:06,442
You got to spare me
the physics lesson
870
00:35:06,560 --> 00:35:08,050
and just answer the question.
871
00:35:08,160 --> 00:35:11,289
Okay, uh, so you're looking
for some, like, pump-up,
872
00:35:11,400 --> 00:35:13,687
- inspirational, kind of...
- That's right.
873
00:35:13,840 --> 00:35:14,966
Tom Petty?
874
00:35:15,080 --> 00:35:16,445
Stupidest thing I've ever heard.
875
00:35:16,560 --> 00:35:18,005
"Qkay
"Qkay?
876
00:35:18,120 --> 00:35:20,805
Now, listen, if I was gonna
cut that up into pieces,
877
00:35:20,920 --> 00:35:22,684
'cause I got to get it
into my luggage
878
00:35:22,800 --> 00:35:24,245
to get it over to Israel.
879
00:35:24,360 --> 00:35:27,284
How many pieces would I
cut it into? Three? Four? Five?
880
00:35:27,400 --> 00:35:29,767
Well, the-the thing about
a hang glider
881
00:35:29,880 --> 00:35:32,008
is it-it's all, uh,
one piece.
882
00:35:32,120 --> 00:35:33,281
You can't cut it up.
883
00:35:33,440 --> 00:35:35,647
Son...
884
00:35:35,760 --> 00:35:36,886
I can do anything.
885
00:35:37,000 --> 00:35:38,809
I am Gary Faulkner.
886
00:35:38,920 --> 00:35:41,002
I am the Donkey King.
887
00:35:42,600 --> 00:35:44,443
Wow.
888
00:35:53,120 --> 00:35:55,691
Sir, that is a samurai sword.
889
00:35:55,840 --> 00:35:57,365
Uh, you cannot take that
on the plane.
890
00:35:57,480 --> 00:35:59,369
No, listen, you don't
understand,
891
00:35:59,480 --> 00:36:02,211
I need this sword
to do what I have to do.
892
00:36:02,320 --> 00:36:04,448
You trying to get my killed
by Al-Qaeda?
893
00:36:04,560 --> 00:36:06,164
Is that, is that what you want?
894
00:36:06,280 --> 00:36:08,806
No, I want you to realize
that you cannot take a sword
895
00:36:08,920 --> 00:36:10,081
onto an airplane.
896
00:36:10,200 --> 00:36:11,884
Can't.
If there weren't people like me
897
00:36:12,000 --> 00:36:13,286
doing things that
people like you
898
00:36:13,440 --> 00:36:14,851
told us that we couldn't do,
899
00:36:14,960 --> 00:36:16,291
then nothing great
would ever get done
900
00:36:16,440 --> 00:36:18,090
and America wouldn't be awesome.
901
00:36:18,200 --> 00:36:19,929
And let me tell you
something, lady,
902
00:36:20,040 --> 00:36:24,284
we may have our flaws,
but America is awesome!
903
00:36:24,400 --> 00:36:26,562
You cannot carry the sword
onto the plane.
904
00:36:26,680 --> 00:36:29,570
Tell that to George Washington!
905
00:36:29,680 --> 00:36:30,841
Gary!
906
00:36:31,000 --> 00:36:32,650
Pack the sword.
907
00:36:32,760 --> 00:36:35,001
Yes, my Lord.
908
00:36:50,080 --> 00:36:53,084
You guys seem like
a couple of nice kids.
909
00:36:53,200 --> 00:36:55,089
Where you from?
Are you from Israel?
910
00:36:56,440 --> 00:36:58,727
You're from one of
the other, uh,
911
00:36:58,840 --> 00:37:01,491
Middle Eastern, uh, countries,
or Pakistan,
912
00:37:01,600 --> 00:37:03,682
or, uh, Tunisia?
913
00:37:05,400 --> 00:37:07,004
All right, well, I'm gonna...
914
00:37:07,160 --> 00:37:08,969
I'm gonna start running now.
915
00:37:09,120 --> 00:37:11,122
I'm gonna pick it up,
and I'm gonna run.
916
00:37:11,240 --> 00:37:13,720
Okay?
You got to get out so I can run.
917
00:37:22,480 --> 00:37:24,881
Let's go.
Go, go, go!
918
00:37:25,000 --> 00:37:27,651
Ha-ha!
Success!
919
00:37:29,600 --> 00:37:32,001
Look at me now!
920
00:37:32,120 --> 00:37:33,690
N0!
921
00:37:33,800 --> 00:37:36,883
- -Shit! Fuck!
Goddamn it! You fucker!
922
00:37:37,000 --> 00:37:39,765
As Gary lay broken on
the rocky terrain of Israel...
923
00:37:39,880 --> 00:37:41,006
Fuck it!
924
00:37:41,120 --> 00:37:42,724
...doubt crept in.
925
00:37:42,840 --> 00:37:46,003
and perhaps
a small voice asked,
926
00:37:46,120 --> 00:37:47,884
"l wonder if Marci is serving
927
00:37:48,000 --> 00:37:50,162
her guacamole
and chips tonight."
928
00:37:50,280 --> 00:37:51,520
Gare-bear.
929
00:37:51,640 --> 00:37:53,130
Hey, babe.
930
00:37:53,240 --> 00:37:56,164
Look at you,
having a little spa day, huh?
931
00:37:56,280 --> 00:37:59,363
Thanks. Thank you so much for
letting me crash here again.
932
00:37:59,480 --> 00:38:01,403
Oh, no problem.
Lizzie, uh...
933
00:38:01,520 --> 00:38:03,363
Well, you know,
934
00:38:03,480 --> 00:38:06,723
Lizzie and I love
having you here, so...
935
00:38:06,840 --> 00:38:08,968
Would you look at me?
I'm as crippled as Lizzie is.
936
00:38:09,080 --> 00:38:13,051
Well, I mean, she's a...
937
00:38:13,160 --> 00:38:15,606
ten-year-old girl
with cerebral palsy,
938
00:38:15,720 --> 00:38:18,724
and you are a grown man who
jumped off a cliff on purpose.
939
00:38:18,840 --> 00:38:21,286
- I retract my previous
statement. -Yeah.
940
00:38:21,440 --> 00:38:23,966
Where is she anyway? You know,
I got a present for her.
941
00:38:24,080 --> 00:38:25,206
Oh, she's at physical therapy.
942
00:38:25,360 --> 00:38:26,646
I'm gonna go get her in an hour.
943
00:38:26,760 --> 00:38:28,967
Okay, well, listen,
check this out.
944
00:38:29,080 --> 00:38:32,050
You can buy the shit
out of these things in Israel.
945
00:38:32,200 --> 00:38:33,964
That's water
from the fucking Jordan river.
946
00:38:34,120 --> 00:38:36,441
That's the fucking river where
fucking Jesus was baptized.
947
00:38:36,560 --> 00:38:37,607
She's gonna love this.
948
00:38:37,720 --> 00:38:38,846
Yeah.
949
00:38:39,000 --> 00:38:40,604
That was so thoughtful.
950
00:38:40,720 --> 00:38:41,881
Thank you.
951
00:38:42,000 --> 00:38:44,241
I got you something too.
952
00:38:44,360 --> 00:38:46,522
Yeah, look how beautiful
that is.
953
00:38:50,600 --> 00:38:52,364
- "lsrael rocks."
- Yeah.
954
00:38:52,480 --> 00:38:54,448
Yeah, it does.
955
00:38:54,600 --> 00:38:57,046
God, Gary, thanks.
956
00:38:57,160 --> 00:39:00,448
Why did I sit there and let you
take that glider apart?
957
00:39:00,560 --> 00:39:01,846
- The hang glider?
- Yeah.
958
00:39:01,960 --> 00:39:03,086
That was a lemon.
959
00:39:03,200 --> 00:39:05,248
Hey.
960
00:39:05,400 --> 00:39:09,086
Do you want to get behind
some hedges and, uh, you know,
961
00:39:09,240 --> 00:39:10,366
show me your tattoo again?
962
00:39:10,480 --> 00:39:11,720
Uh-huh?
963
00:39:11,840 --> 00:39:12,887
Uh-huh?
964
00:39:13,000 --> 00:39:14,240
You are a little horn dog.
965
00:39:14,360 --> 00:39:17,443
- Even all banged up like this.
- Yeah.
966
00:39:17,560 --> 00:39:19,130
I don't know, it ain'tjust
animal lust,
967
00:39:19,240 --> 00:39:22,130
of which I have plenty,
as you can well attest.
968
00:39:22,240 --> 00:39:24,561
Sometimes I think I need a vet.
969
00:39:24,680 --> 00:39:27,968
N0, I find that, uh...
970
00:39:28,080 --> 00:39:29,525
I actually love you quite a bit.
971
00:39:32,360 --> 00:39:34,727
I love you too, Gary.
972
00:39:36,800 --> 00:39:38,723
But you're on
a mission from God.
973
00:39:38,840 --> 00:39:40,490
S0 where does that leave me?
974
00:39:40,600 --> 00:39:43,206
Well, you'll have to take that
up with him directly.
975
00:39:43,320 --> 00:39:44,890
I haven't even made it
to Pakistan yet,
976
00:39:45,000 --> 00:39:47,241
I got to get over there
as soon as I'm healed.
977
00:39:49,240 --> 00:39:51,368
I'm gonna go in. D0 you want
a water or something?
978
00:39:51,480 --> 00:39:53,721
N0, I'm all right.
979
00:39:53,840 --> 00:39:55,763
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
come on, hold-hold on a second,
980
00:39:55,880 --> 00:39:57,120
hold on a second.
981
00:39:58,600 --> 00:39:59,806
What if l didn't go?
982
00:40:01,080 --> 00:40:02,320
What if I just...
983
00:40:02,440 --> 00:40:04,124
stuck around here
984
00:40:04,240 --> 00:40:05,730
and helped out, you know?
985
00:40:05,880 --> 00:40:07,006
I'm a pretty good handyman.
986
00:40:07,120 --> 00:40:08,963
I could help out
around the house.
987
00:40:09,080 --> 00:40:10,923
Yeah.
988
00:40:12,720 --> 00:40:13,846
I'd love that,
989
00:40:13,960 --> 00:40:15,485
you know?
990
00:40:15,640 --> 00:40:19,008
But if you really feel
like you're on a mission,
991
00:40:19,120 --> 00:40:22,363
and I tell you to stay here,
you're gonna hate me.
992
00:40:22,520 --> 00:40:25,842
I... I couldn't handle that,
so...
993
00:40:27,080 --> 00:40:30,084
You think about it, and, um...
994
00:40:30,200 --> 00:40:32,567
and, uh, we'll talk later.
995
00:40:40,320 --> 00:40:42,846
I just want to enjoy
my life a little bit.
996
00:40:43,000 --> 00:40:47,688
I want to spend some time, a
domestic kind of, uh, lifestyle,
997
00:40:47,840 --> 00:40:49,365
with Marci and Lizzie, you know.
998
00:40:49,480 --> 00:40:51,050
- Good for you, Gary.
- Yeah.
999
00:40:51,160 --> 00:40:53,162
Yeah, that-that Pakistan shit,
the whole Osama thing
1000
00:40:53,280 --> 00:40:54,611
is pretty crazy.
1001
00:40:54,760 --> 00:40:57,491
Maybe so, but crazy is
my last name.
1002
00:40:57,640 --> 00:41:00,610
- Isn't it crazy is
my middle name? -Yeah.
1003
00:41:00,720 --> 00:41:02,529
My middle name is Brooks.
1004
00:41:02,640 --> 00:41:03,766
It's that old Gary.
1005
00:41:03,880 --> 00:41:06,121
- All right.
- Well, that's the truth.
1006
00:41:06,240 --> 00:41:07,730
Okay, we got to jet,
we got a movie.
1007
00:41:07,840 --> 00:41:09,649
- Yeah, you should come with us.
- Yeah, no, I'm gonna stay here
1008
00:41:09,760 --> 00:41:12,206
and, uh, finish my beer,
and then, uh,
1009
00:41:12,360 --> 00:41:14,408
maybe just go back
to Marci's house
1010
00:41:14,520 --> 00:41:16,921
and enjoy my, uh, my humble
little domestic lifestyle.
1011
00:41:17,040 --> 00:41:18,644
- All right.
- l'll take care of this guys.
1012
00:41:18,760 --> 00:41:20,364
- Don't worry about that. Yeah.
- Really? -Really?
1013
00:41:20,480 --> 00:41:21,891
- All right, see you later.
- All right, bye.
1014
00:41:22,040 --> 00:41:23,485
All right, see you later.
1015
00:41:23,600 --> 00:41:24,886
...in Afghaninstan
1016
00:41:25,040 --> 00:41:26,371
- with his latest findings.
- Bye.
1017
00:41:26,480 --> 00:41:28,084
Since the battle of Tora Bora
1018
00:41:28,200 --> 00:41:29,884
in December of 2001,
1019
00:41:30,000 --> 00:41:32,128
there has been
no actionable intelligence
1020
00:41:32,240 --> 00:41:34,242
about where bin Laden is.
1021
00:41:34,360 --> 00:41:36,089
There are informed hypotheses
1022
00:41:36,200 --> 00:41:37,770
that he's in the northwest
frontier provinces
1023
00:41:37,880 --> 00:41:39,882
- of Pakistan...
- I hate this show.
1024
00:41:40,000 --> 00:41:41,923
...somewhere
in the tribal areas.
1025
00:41:43,520 --> 00:41:46,251
W- Were you going to be doing
something for me?
1026
00:41:46,360 --> 00:41:47,725
I was-- I am.
1027
00:41:49,520 --> 00:41:50,806
'Cause it looks to me
like you're quitting.
1028
00:41:50,920 --> 00:41:52,251
I ain't no quitter.
1029
00:41:52,400 --> 00:41:53,401
'Cause what would you think
would happen
1030
00:41:53,520 --> 00:41:55,124
if I, God, just quit?
1031
00:41:55,280 --> 00:41:56,964
- Chaos!
- Chaos.
1032
00:41:57,080 --> 00:41:58,684
I mean, we've got chaos already,
1033
00:41:58,800 --> 00:42:01,610
but we'd be talking about
a much worse form of chaos.
1034
00:42:01,720 --> 00:42:02,801
Godless chaos.
1035
00:42:02,920 --> 00:42:04,763
Who said anything
about quitting?
1036
00:42:04,880 --> 00:42:07,611
What you don't seem
to appreciate Gary,
1037
00:42:07,720 --> 00:42:11,088
is the notion of omniscience.
1038
00:42:11,200 --> 00:42:12,690
That means I know everything,
1039
00:42:12,840 --> 00:42:14,330
so I know you're thinking
about Marci.
1040
00:42:14,440 --> 00:42:16,169
I know you're thinking
about domesticity
1041
00:42:16,280 --> 00:42:17,964
and settling down
and how cute that will be.
1042
00:42:18,080 --> 00:42:21,289
And it really bugs me
when men let woman-shit
1043
00:42:21,400 --> 00:42:23,482
get in the way of man-business.
1044
00:42:23,640 --> 00:42:27,167
There's two words
you need to consider:
1045
00:42:27,280 --> 00:42:29,487
"God" and "America."
1046
00:42:29,600 --> 00:42:30,761
That's what this is about.
1047
00:42:30,880 --> 00:42:32,291
Okay?
1048
00:42:32,440 --> 00:42:35,523
S0 what part of
"l am everything,"
1049
00:42:35,640 --> 00:42:38,803
"l know everything,"
do you not understand?
1050
00:42:38,920 --> 00:42:40,365
Uh, uh, if you know everything,
1051
00:42:40,480 --> 00:42:42,767
then why don't you tell me
where to find Binny boy?
1052
00:42:42,880 --> 00:42:44,882
I can tell you Pakistan,
1053
00:42:45,040 --> 00:42:46,769
and you can't even get there.
1054
00:42:46,880 --> 00:42:49,451
Now you're thinking
about quitting.
1055
00:42:49,560 --> 00:42:51,369
You're a disappointment
to me, Gary.
1056
00:42:51,480 --> 00:42:53,289
I've been waiting
for you to help me.
1057
00:42:53,400 --> 00:42:56,882
Gary, shut the fuck up.
This is a holy quest.
1058
00:42:57,000 --> 00:43:00,288
Holy quests are challenging.
1059
00:43:00,400 --> 00:43:03,449
When I asked Abraham
to slaughter Isaac,
1060
00:43:03,600 --> 00:43:05,284
that was challenging.
1061
00:43:05,400 --> 00:43:06,890
He didn'tjust say, "Oh, he's
my son. What am I gonna do?
1062
00:43:07,000 --> 00:43:08,809
I love him.
What am I gonna tell his mum?"
1063
00:43:08,920 --> 00:43:11,446
When I said to David,
you've gotta kill Goliath,
1064
00:43:11,560 --> 00:43:13,005
it was challenging.
1065
00:43:13,120 --> 00:43:14,121
He didn't say,
"Look at the size of him.
1066
00:43:14,240 --> 00:43:15,571
I can't do anything about it."
1067
00:43:15,680 --> 00:43:17,648
It's a challenging situation
that you're in.
1068
00:43:17,760 --> 00:43:20,684
I plucked you from obscurity.
1069
00:43:20,800 --> 00:43:22,484
You're a lucky fuck.
1070
00:43:22,600 --> 00:43:25,331
You should feel blessed,
1071
00:43:25,440 --> 00:43:27,329
not burdened.
1072
00:43:27,440 --> 00:43:28,930
So, Gary,
1073
00:43:29,080 --> 00:43:31,731
I don't want to hear
any more talk about quitting
1074
00:43:31,840 --> 00:43:33,604
or Marci, or TVs,
1075
00:43:33,720 --> 00:43:37,088
or sitting and relaxing,
having a beer.
1076
00:43:37,200 --> 00:43:38,361
Otherwise,
1077
00:43:38,480 --> 00:43:40,323
I'm gonna smite you.
1078
00:43:40,440 --> 00:43:42,010
I'm gonna smite you,
1079
00:43:42,120 --> 00:43:44,487
and any memory
or remnant of you.
1080
00:43:44,640 --> 00:43:46,768
Your dad, Gary Faulkner--
"l didn't have a son."
1081
00:43:46,880 --> 00:43:50,407
Marci-- "l don't remember
meeting some twinkle-eyed,
1082
00:43:50,560 --> 00:43:51,800
goofy, cute 911%"
1083
00:43:51,920 --> 00:43:53,604
I will eliminate you
1084
00:43:53,720 --> 00:43:55,449
from history, all traces of you.
1085
00:43:55,560 --> 00:43:57,324
Okay?
1086
00:43:57,440 --> 00:43:59,522
S0 have a little think
about that,
1087
00:43:59,640 --> 00:44:01,005
and then make the decision
1088
00:44:01,120 --> 00:44:03,088
that will make us both proud.
1089
00:44:12,600 --> 00:44:14,011
Oh, great. You're drunk.
1090
00:44:14,120 --> 00:44:16,009
I blew it.
1091
00:44:16,120 --> 00:44:18,122
I was weak.
1092
00:44:18,240 --> 00:44:21,005
I took my eyes off the prize,
1093
00:44:21,120 --> 00:44:22,451
and he saw it.
1094
00:44:22,560 --> 00:44:23,607
What prize?
1095
00:44:23,760 --> 00:44:25,524
Who are you talking about?
1096
00:44:25,680 --> 00:44:28,047
I gotta... I gotta...
get to Pakistan.
1097
00:44:28,160 --> 00:44:29,844
Pakistan?
1098
00:44:29,960 --> 00:44:32,247
What... what are you
talking about-- Pakistan?
1099
00:44:32,360 --> 00:44:34,488
I thought you were done
with all that nonsense.
1100
00:44:34,600 --> 00:44:36,045
What about moving in here
with me?
1101
00:44:36,160 --> 00:44:38,322
What about fixing the ramp?
1102
00:44:38,440 --> 00:44:42,889
I have a more important job
to do.
1103
00:44:43,000 --> 00:44:46,447
You know what? I need my
four hours of sleep tonight.
1104
00:44:46,560 --> 00:44:48,961
I've got to work two
of my three jobs tomorrow,
1105
00:44:49,120 --> 00:44:51,088
so I'm going to bed alone.
1106
00:45:06,920 --> 00:45:08,843
What do you think?
1107
00:45:10,360 --> 00:45:11,327
It's great.
1108
00:45:11,440 --> 00:45:13,010
I told you I'd finish it.
1109
00:45:13,120 --> 00:45:16,090
I'm sorry I slammed the door
in your face
1110
00:45:16,200 --> 00:45:18,043
and yelled at you,
but, you know, you were really
1111
00:45:18,160 --> 00:45:19,969
being crazy,
and I don't need that shit.
1112
00:45:20,080 --> 00:45:22,162
Marci Mitchell,
don't you ever
1113
00:45:22,320 --> 00:45:24,049
apologize to me for anything.
1114
00:45:24,160 --> 00:45:25,400
You are perfect.
1115
00:45:25,520 --> 00:45:26,442
You are
1116
00:45:26,560 --> 00:45:28,244
an angel, and I'll see you
1117
00:45:28,360 --> 00:45:30,010
when I get back from Pakistan.
1118
00:45:32,440 --> 00:45:35,171
Sir, we have been through this.
1119
00:45:35,280 --> 00:45:36,691
I do not care
about George Washington.
1120
00:45:36,800 --> 00:45:37,722
You cannot
1121
00:45:37,880 --> 00:45:38,722
go to Pakistan
1122
00:45:38,880 --> 00:45:40,166
without an entry visa.
1123
00:45:40,280 --> 00:45:41,805
This is bureaucratic morass
is what this is.
1124
00:45:41,920 --> 00:45:42,921
Gary.
1125
00:45:44,440 --> 00:45:46,522
Yes, my Lord.
1126
00:45:53,680 --> 00:45:55,125
And God just...
1127
00:45:55,240 --> 00:45:56,571
gave you a sign.
1128
00:45:56,680 --> 00:45:58,091
That's right.
1129
00:45:58,200 --> 00:45:59,611
And now you want to go
1130
00:45:59,720 --> 00:46:00,607
to Pakistan...
1131
00:46:02,080 --> 00:46:03,127
Why?
1132
00:46:03,280 --> 00:46:05,169
To get bin Laden.
1133
00:46:05,320 --> 00:46:06,651
Osama bin Laden.
1134
00:46:06,760 --> 00:46:09,047
No, Harold bin Laden.
1135
00:46:09,200 --> 00:46:10,884
Yes, Osama bin Laden.
1136
00:46:11,000 --> 00:46:12,490
The terrorist.
1137
00:46:12,600 --> 00:46:14,204
Is this some kind ofjoke?
1138
00:46:14,320 --> 00:46:15,845
No, this couldn't be
any less of a joke, sir.
1139
00:46:16,000 --> 00:46:18,367
This is as serious
as a thing can get.
1140
00:46:18,480 --> 00:46:21,450
Okay, you give me one good
reason why I should stamp this
1141
00:46:21,560 --> 00:46:24,564
and the United States of America
should let
1142
00:46:24,680 --> 00:46:26,250
Gary Brooks Faulkner into
1143
00:46:26,360 --> 00:46:29,364
one of the hairiest places
on Earth.
1144
00:46:29,480 --> 00:46:31,130
Well, do you believe in God?
1145
00:46:31,240 --> 00:46:32,241
And America?
1146
00:46:32,360 --> 00:46:33,646
And justice?
1147
00:46:33,760 --> 00:46:34,966
And freedom?!
1148
00:46:35,080 --> 00:46:38,209
And just doing what's right?!
1149
00:46:41,280 --> 00:46:42,281
Hmm.
1150
00:46:44,600 --> 00:46:46,329
Thank you.
1151
00:46:46,440 --> 00:46:47,930
G0 get him.
1152
00:46:53,200 --> 00:46:56,443
So, I'm going to Pakistan
to capture Osama bin Laden.
1153
00:46:56,560 --> 00:46:58,005
Bring him to justice.
1154
00:46:58,120 --> 00:46:59,565
God told me to do it.
1155
00:46:59,680 --> 00:47:01,921
He didn't think I was being
urgent enough about it.
1156
00:47:02,040 --> 00:47:04,168
Thought I was giving in
to temptation again,
1157
00:47:04,280 --> 00:47:06,044
which has been
one of my problems.
1158
00:47:06,160 --> 00:47:08,049
Kept me from achieving
certain things and stuff,
1159
00:47:08,160 --> 00:47:09,491
but I'm gonna tell you what.
1160
00:47:09,600 --> 00:47:11,887
God kicked the ever-loving
shit out of me.
1161
00:47:12,000 --> 00:47:15,049
S0, now here I am,
back on mission.
1162
00:47:15,160 --> 00:47:17,970
I shouldn't be telling you this,
but I already got a lead.
1163
00:47:18,080 --> 00:47:21,482
You see, it turns out over here,
people call Binny boy
1164
00:47:21,600 --> 00:47:22,931
The Bearded One.
1165
00:47:23,040 --> 00:47:25,646
So, there,
that could be helpful.
1166
00:47:36,240 --> 00:47:39,050
Gary arrived
in Pakistan a stranger
1167
00:47:39,160 --> 00:47:40,491
in a strange land.
1168
00:47:42,320 --> 00:47:44,607
He was determined
1169
00:47:44,720 --> 00:47:47,166
to observe the customs
of the local people
1170
00:47:47,280 --> 00:47:48,611
and perhaps glean clues
1171
00:47:48,760 --> 00:47:50,649
that would lead him
to bin Laden.
1172
00:47:55,960 --> 00:47:57,803
Reason for visit?
1173
00:47:59,840 --> 00:48:01,842
Taking care of business.
1174
00:48:07,320 --> 00:48:08,845
Once through Customs,
1175
00:48:08,960 --> 00:48:13,045
Gary saw a world both
familiar and foreign.
1176
00:48:14,720 --> 00:48:16,210
In his personal diary,
1177
00:48:16,320 --> 00:48:18,846
Gary wrote of his first day
in Pakistan...
1178
00:48:20,480 --> 00:48:22,926
"Got to Islamabad.
1179
00:48:23,040 --> 00:48:25,327
"lnteresting people.
1180
00:48:25,440 --> 00:48:27,761
Hot as balls. "
1181
00:48:27,920 --> 00:48:30,400
So, anyways, so,
how do you like it here
1182
00:48:30,520 --> 00:48:32,124
in Pakistan, my brother?
1183
00:48:32,240 --> 00:48:33,890
Pakistan is very, very,
very beautiful.
1184
00:48:34,000 --> 00:48:35,525
Pakistan is beautiful.
1185
00:48:35,680 --> 00:48:36,966
Yeah, well, I figured
you'd say something like that
1186
00:48:37,080 --> 00:48:38,650
on account of national pride.
1187
00:48:38,760 --> 00:48:40,808
Well, I love America,
so we're even.
1188
00:48:40,920 --> 00:48:42,490
I love America, too.
1189
00:48:42,600 --> 00:48:44,045
Yeah? Well, America's very good.
1190
00:48:44,160 --> 00:48:46,367
America's the best goddamn
country in the world.
1191
00:48:46,480 --> 00:48:48,130
And I say that putting
my personal bias
1192
00:48:48,240 --> 00:48:49,765
and national pride
aside because
1193
00:48:49,880 --> 00:48:51,928
we don't have no Al-Qaeda
holing up in the States.
1194
00:48:52,040 --> 00:48:54,361
Al-Qaeda here in Pakistan,
very bad.
1195
00:48:54,480 --> 00:48:55,891
Yeah, very bad.
1196
00:48:56,000 --> 00:48:57,331
- Well, see, I like you...
- Very bad.
1197
00:48:57,440 --> 00:48:58,407
...because we got
a cultural connection.
1198
00:48:58,520 --> 00:49:00,045
But what I need to do is I need
1199
00:49:00,160 --> 00:49:01,161
to get to the Hotel AIBaraka.
1200
00:49:01,280 --> 00:49:03,203
I'm on a very important mission.
1201
00:49:03,320 --> 00:49:04,481
I'm looking for The Bearded One.
1202
00:49:04,600 --> 00:49:06,045
Uh, do you know where
1203
00:49:06,160 --> 00:49:07,241
- I can find The Bearded One?
- The Bearded One?
1204
00:49:07,360 --> 00:49:08,486
The Bearded One.
1205
00:49:08,600 --> 00:49:10,204
I am... I have got beard.
1206
00:49:10,320 --> 00:49:11,970
Yeah, no,
I know you got a beard,
1207
00:49:12,080 --> 00:49:13,923
but I'm talking about
The Bearded One.
1208
00:49:14,040 --> 00:49:16,088
D0 you have Denny's in Pakistan?
1209
00:49:16,200 --> 00:49:18,168
Does The Bearded One
go to Denny's?
1210
00:49:27,920 --> 00:49:30,127
Gary Faulkner, U.S.A.
1211
00:49:30,240 --> 00:49:32,129
Gary Faulkner,
U.S.A.
1212
00:49:32,280 --> 00:49:33,088
Fuckner?
1213
00:49:33,240 --> 00:49:34,241
Fuckner?!
1214
00:49:34,360 --> 00:49:35,566
No, not Fuckner, man.
1215
00:49:35,680 --> 00:49:37,170
It's Faulkner, man. Faulkner.
1216
00:49:37,280 --> 00:49:38,042
Fuck-ner.
1217
00:49:38,200 --> 00:49:40,328
N0, uh, it's Faulkner, man.
1218
00:49:40,440 --> 00:49:41,680
Fuckner, that's what you said.
1219
00:49:41,800 --> 00:49:42,722
Not Fuckner, Faulkner, man.
1220
00:49:42,840 --> 00:49:44,569
Just call me The G.
1221
00:49:44,680 --> 00:49:46,011
Uh, you got a bellhop
1222
00:49:46,120 --> 00:49:47,531
that can help me with my bags?
1223
00:49:47,640 --> 00:49:49,608
No, h-h-he's... he's dead.
1224
00:49:49,720 --> 00:49:50,607
Dead?
1225
00:49:50,720 --> 00:49:52,051
Did Al-Qaeda shoot the bellhop?
1226
00:49:52,160 --> 00:49:53,002
N0!
1227
00:49:53,120 --> 00:49:54,042
Not at all, sir.
1228
00:49:54,160 --> 00:49:55,366
Gangsters, sir.
1229
00:49:55,480 --> 00:49:57,084
- He was killed for...
- Gangsters? Not Al-Qaeda?
1230
00:49:57,200 --> 00:49:58,725
We have no Al-Qaeda here.
1231
00:49:58,840 --> 00:50:00,285
I got an AK-47
shoved up my ass.
1232
00:50:01,440 --> 00:50:02,930
He-he want... he want to s...
1233
00:50:03,040 --> 00:50:04,405
to-to-to know about America.
1234
00:50:04,560 --> 00:50:06,164
Man, America's good!
1235
00:50:06,280 --> 00:50:08,123
- Hamburger.
- We got... we got hamburgers.
1236
00:50:08,240 --> 00:50:09,526
We got Dairy Queen.
1237
00:50:09,640 --> 00:50:11,210
We got the best chicken wings
in the world.
1238
00:50:11,360 --> 00:50:13,488
- Woman, woman, woman.
- Fuck, man, but
1239
00:50:13,600 --> 00:50:15,011
- we got the California
girls, man. -Woman.
1240
00:50:16,720 --> 00:50:18,290
Fuckner good, Fuckner good.
1241
00:50:19,880 --> 00:50:21,769
I told you, just call me The G.
1242
00:50:21,880 --> 00:50:23,166
You are so funny.
1243
00:50:23,280 --> 00:50:25,647
- I like it.
- Oh, yeah.
1244
00:50:25,760 --> 00:50:27,569
All right, look, can somebody
show me where my room is?
1245
00:50:27,680 --> 00:50:29,728
I got to get, uh, I have
a very important mission.
1246
00:50:40,160 --> 00:50:43,881
Try it, motherfucker!
1247
00:50:55,400 --> 00:50:57,880
Like all men on covert ops,
1248
00:50:58,000 --> 00:51:00,924
Gary's first day was spent
doing reconnaissance.
1249
00:51:03,720 --> 00:51:07,611
Scouring the streets,
looking for clues.
1250
00:51:07,720 --> 00:51:11,167
A motivated Gary Faulkner
was a dangerous Gary Faulkner.
1251
00:51:13,080 --> 00:51:16,289
Nothing could stop him
when he was on a mission.
1252
00:51:16,400 --> 00:51:18,971
Nothing could make
him lose focus
1253
00:51:19,080 --> 00:51:22,163
when he had a plan.
1254
00:51:22,280 --> 00:51:25,284
These are all things
Gary Faulkner told me.
1255
00:51:25,400 --> 00:51:28,609
You have many diverse
kind of sundry spices here.
1256
00:51:28,720 --> 00:51:30,529
I think I can use
some of these spices
1257
00:51:30,640 --> 00:51:32,210
in my chicken wing hot sauce,
1258
00:51:32,320 --> 00:51:33,970
but I need molasses, too.
1259
00:51:34,080 --> 00:51:36,082
Molasses. Do you have molasses?
1260
00:51:37,880 --> 00:51:40,121
No, molasses, notjackasses.
1261
00:51:40,280 --> 00:51:41,520
I didn't call you jackasses.
1262
00:51:41,640 --> 00:51:43,563
I said molasses.
1263
00:51:43,680 --> 00:51:45,330
Not calling you a jack...
1264
00:51:45,440 --> 00:51:47,602
Here you go.
1265
00:51:47,720 --> 00:51:50,166
Thank you.
1266
00:52:02,880 --> 00:52:04,564
I'm looking
for something pretty
1267
00:52:04,720 --> 00:52:06,131
for a young lady.
1268
00:52:06,240 --> 00:52:07,446
- Yes, yes.
- She's not even ten.
1269
00:52:07,600 --> 00:52:08,522
Okay? Something exotic,
something...
1270
00:52:08,640 --> 00:52:09,801
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1271
00:52:09,920 --> 00:52:10,842
...something that has
1272
00:52:10,960 --> 00:52:12,485
some flavor to it.
1273
00:52:12,600 --> 00:52:13,931
Now, wait, this could work.
1274
00:52:14,040 --> 00:52:15,201
- This is good.
- Yeah.
1275
00:52:15,360 --> 00:52:16,202
This could work.
1276
00:52:16,360 --> 00:52:17,486
Come on, here take this.
1277
00:52:17,600 --> 00:52:18,567
I'm gonna take that.
1278
00:52:20,080 --> 00:52:21,241
Uaughs)
1279
00:52:26,520 --> 00:52:28,090
Good.
1280
00:52:28,200 --> 00:52:30,009
Good, you got the...
you got the long knives.
1281
00:52:30,120 --> 00:52:31,326
You got the short knives.
1282
00:52:31,440 --> 00:52:33,727
You got the...
you got the Damascus.
1283
00:52:33,840 --> 00:52:35,808
Check this out.
1284
00:52:37,360 --> 00:52:38,964
Nothing?
1285
00:52:39,080 --> 00:52:40,002
All right.
1286
00:52:40,120 --> 00:52:42,122
Well, you have a blessed day.
1287
00:52:47,680 --> 00:52:49,091
No, man.
1288
00:52:49,200 --> 00:52:50,929
You're do... you're doing
it all wrong, man.
1289
00:52:51,040 --> 00:52:52,405
You're not talking to the meat.
1290
00:52:52,560 --> 00:52:54,050
That's how come
you've got no customers.
1291
00:52:54,160 --> 00:52:56,481
You got to... you got to talk
to the meat.
1292
00:52:59,440 --> 00:53:00,407
Goat meat, like all meat,
1293
00:53:00,520 --> 00:53:01,760
has a vertical line
1294
00:53:01,880 --> 00:53:04,611
and it has a horizontal line,
1295
00:53:04,720 --> 00:53:07,610
and at the epicenter
of where those two lines cross
1296
00:53:07,720 --> 00:53:08,767
is where the spirit
of the meat comes out.
1297
00:53:08,880 --> 00:53:09,767
You say,
1298
00:53:09,880 --> 00:53:11,325
"Thank you, baby goat."
1299
00:53:11,440 --> 00:53:12,601
"Thank you, baby goat."
1300
00:53:12,720 --> 00:53:14,085
"Thank you, baby goat."
1301
00:53:14,200 --> 00:53:17,488
At the end of the first day,
1302
00:53:17,600 --> 00:53:19,762
Gary realized this might be
1303
00:53:19,920 --> 00:53:22,082
harder than he thought.
1304
00:53:22,200 --> 00:53:24,771
If only God
could give him a sign.
1305
00:53:39,600 --> 00:53:43,047
Looks like my brother Gary
cooked up a storm.
1306
00:53:43,160 --> 00:53:44,650
I couldn't get the molasses,
1307
00:53:44,760 --> 00:53:45,921
but if these aren't the best
1308
00:53:46,040 --> 00:53:47,565
chicken wings
you've ever tasted,
1309
00:53:47,680 --> 00:53:49,284
then I'm not the Donkey King.
1310
00:53:49,400 --> 00:53:51,721
Thank you, sir, you are so kind.
1311
00:53:51,840 --> 00:53:52,966
Oh.
1312
00:53:53,120 --> 00:53:55,122
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
1313
00:54:00,000 --> 00:54:01,206
Don't worry, sir!
1314
00:54:01,320 --> 00:54:02,810
L- | know a dentist.
1315
00:54:02,920 --> 00:54:03,887
He's very good.
1316
00:54:28,360 --> 00:54:29,566
0K8)'-
1317
00:54:29,680 --> 00:54:31,523
Pass that around.
1318
00:54:35,080 --> 00:54:37,401
That's nice.
1319
00:54:57,320 --> 00:55:02,201
I fucking love Pakistan.
1320
00:55:25,200 --> 00:55:28,124
uaughs)
1321
00:55:37,720 --> 00:55:39,404
Ride it, cowboy.
1322
00:55:39,560 --> 00:55:40,447
Ride.
1323
00:55:40,560 --> 00:55:41,800
Yeah.
1324
00:55:44,000 --> 00:55:45,923
Uaughs)
1325
00:55:46,040 --> 00:55:47,565
The G...
1326
00:55:47,680 --> 00:55:50,809
...wants to get his pinball on.
1327
00:55:50,920 --> 00:55:53,082
N0 worky?
1328
00:55:59,360 --> 00:56:00,247
There you go.
1329
00:56:00,360 --> 00:56:01,486
Come on, come on, yeah.
1330
00:56:01,600 --> 00:56:04,001
D0 you want to play some more?
1331
00:56:04,120 --> 00:56:06,009
Ah, you fucking...!
1332
00:56:11,440 --> 00:56:13,249
Thief!
1333
00:56:13,360 --> 00:56:14,885
Hey! Hey!
1334
00:56:15,000 --> 00:56:16,206
Stop! Hey!
1335
00:56:16,320 --> 00:56:18,607
You stop it!
1336
00:56:18,720 --> 00:56:20,768
Hey!
1337
00:56:24,720 --> 00:56:26,722
You fucking fuck!
1338
00:56:36,680 --> 00:56:37,920
Hey!
1339
00:56:42,400 --> 00:56:44,971
Shit!
1340
00:57:07,400 --> 00:57:08,481
Whoa!
1341
00:57:09,840 --> 00:57:11,683
You know, I'm here
to capture The Bearded One,
1342
00:57:11,800 --> 00:57:14,565
so if you have any info on him,
please let me know, but really?
1343
00:57:14,680 --> 00:57:16,205
I don't see why you,
1344
00:57:16,320 --> 00:57:18,766
sir, are messing
with this young lady.
1345
00:57:23,040 --> 00:57:24,769
All right.
1346
00:57:24,880 --> 00:57:26,405
So, we're gonna do this.
1347
00:57:26,520 --> 00:57:29,683
Step aside, motherfuckers.
1348
00:57:29,840 --> 00:57:33,367
100% pure
Japanese Damascus steel.
1349
00:57:33,480 --> 00:57:34,481
Hey, hey, calm down, wait!
1350
00:57:45,800 --> 00:57:48,690
Ah, smell that, sir?
1351
00:57:49,840 --> 00:57:51,330
What's up?
1352
00:57:51,440 --> 00:57:54,364
Smell of a people and a culture
clamoring for democracy.
1353
00:57:57,680 --> 00:57:59,489
And aloo paratha.
1354
00:57:59,600 --> 00:58:00,681
Uaughs)
1355
00:58:00,800 --> 00:58:02,165
That the bread thing?
1356
00:58:02,280 --> 00:58:04,123
- Yeah, with the potato inside.
- Yeah, yeah.
1357
00:58:04,240 --> 00:58:05,765
- I like that, I like that.
- lt's delicious.
1358
00:58:05,880 --> 00:58:07,450
I mean, they make some
good stuff here.
1359
00:58:07,560 --> 00:58:08,561
Bread was invented here
1360
00:58:08,680 --> 00:58:09,567
in the Indus river valley.
1361
00:58:09,680 --> 00:58:10,647
- Really?
- Yeah.
1362
00:58:10,760 --> 00:58:12,046
That's great. Fascinating.
1363
00:58:12,160 --> 00:58:13,047
What's this?
1364
00:58:13,160 --> 00:58:14,082
This...
1365
00:58:14,200 --> 00:58:16,362
regards an American samurai
1366
00:58:16,480 --> 00:58:18,448
who is at loose
in the slums of Islamabad.
1367
00:58:18,560 --> 00:58:19,891
- What does that mean?
- He appeared out of nowhere
1368
00:58:20,000 --> 00:58:23,049
and he botched
an ongoing investigation.
1369
00:58:42,400 --> 00:58:43,526
An American ninja.
1370
00:58:43,640 --> 00:58:45,529
- Samurai.
- An American samurai.
1371
00:58:45,640 --> 00:58:47,847
American Ninja was a movie,
1985, Michael Dudikoff.
1372
00:58:58,080 --> 00:58:59,047
So, who is the guy?
1373
00:58:59,160 --> 00:59:00,082
We have no idea.
1374
00:59:00,200 --> 00:59:01,167
Well, let's find out.
1375
00:59:01,280 --> 00:59:02,770
IWill.
1376
00:59:52,440 --> 00:59:53,566
- Gorgeous sunset.
- Oh!
1377
00:59:53,680 --> 00:59:54,681
- Jesus.
- Sorry.
1378
00:59:54,800 --> 00:59:56,040
Don't do that.
1379
00:59:56,160 --> 00:59:57,764
- I wasn't trying to scare you.
- God.
1380
00:59:59,640 --> 01:00:00,766
What do you think?
1381
01:00:00,880 --> 01:00:03,008
Why you have a thobe?
1382
01:00:03,160 --> 01:00:05,128
You still want to go undercover,
don't you?
1383
01:00:05,240 --> 01:00:07,129
Please?
1384
01:00:07,240 --> 01:00:08,685
Look, you're too tall.
1385
01:00:08,800 --> 01:00:10,564
You're going to stick out
like a sore thumb.
1386
01:00:10,680 --> 01:00:11,841
I'm not pretending
to be Pakistani.
1387
01:00:12,000 --> 01:00:13,490
What are you going to be?
1388
01:00:13,600 --> 01:00:15,602
I'm going to be a, uh,
a national living abroad.
1389
01:00:15,720 --> 01:00:17,643
A South African, a Dutchman.
1390
01:00:17,800 --> 01:00:19,689
A Norwegian, perhaps--
a farmer.
1391
01:00:19,840 --> 01:00:21,365
- W... you have this...
- A mercenary.
1392
01:00:21,480 --> 01:00:23,482
...bizarre fantasy that somehow
1393
01:00:23,640 --> 01:00:26,769
you're the Dutch James Bond
or something.
1394
01:00:26,880 --> 01:00:28,291
I love James Bond.
1395
01:00:28,400 --> 01:00:29,606
The Living Daylights
was on last night.
1396
01:00:29,720 --> 01:00:30,960
Timothy Dalton...
1397
01:00:31,080 --> 01:00:32,923
- greatest Bond of all time.
- N0.
1398
01:00:33,040 --> 01:00:34,246
- N0?
- No,n0,no.
1399
01:00:34,400 --> 01:00:35,481
Who do you like--
oh, Sean Connery?
1400
01:00:35,600 --> 01:00:36,726
N0.
1401
01:00:36,840 --> 01:00:38,729
- Roger Moore?
- N0.
1402
01:00:38,840 --> 01:00:40,524
The-the new guy with the...
1403
01:00:40,640 --> 01:00:42,688
- The m-- the Russian thug? No.
- ...muscles?
1404
01:00:44,560 --> 01:00:46,642
What's happening
with our American samurai?
1405
01:00:46,760 --> 01:00:50,765
American samurai,
actual name, Gary Faulkner.
1406
01:00:50,880 --> 01:00:52,848
He's been indicted
several times,
1407
01:00:53,000 --> 01:00:54,604
minor, uh, misdemeanors.
1408
01:00:56,040 --> 01:00:58,566
Works as a handyman.
1409
01:00:58,680 --> 01:01:00,603
He's searching
for Osama bin Laden.
1410
01:01:00,760 --> 01:01:02,649
What do you mean, "he's
searching for Osama bin Laden?"
1411
01:01:02,800 --> 01:01:03,767
He's obsessed.
1412
01:01:03,880 --> 01:01:04,961
If this fucking lunatic's
1413
01:01:05,080 --> 01:01:06,206
anywhere near him,
1414
01:01:06,320 --> 01:01:07,526
I'm truly fucked.
1415
01:01:07,680 --> 01:01:08,841
- Do you understand me?
- That's true.
1416
01:01:08,960 --> 01:01:10,041
S0 this cannot happen,
all right?
1417
01:01:10,160 --> 01:01:11,321
- This is worse...
- This is on you.
1418
01:01:11,440 --> 01:01:13,010
This is worse
than the $5 million.
1419
01:01:13,120 --> 01:01:14,849
It's wo... it's worse
than the $5 million,
1420
01:01:14,960 --> 01:01:17,042
so you know what?
D0 yourjob.
1421
01:01:17,160 --> 01:01:19,049
Find this guy.
Bring him in.
1422
01:01:19,160 --> 01:01:21,367
And we're going
to neutralize him.
1423
01:01:21,480 --> 01:01:23,482
IJ'
1424
01:01:27,360 --> 01:01:29,442
Welcome Al-Qaeda crips
to my cave.
1425
01:01:29,560 --> 01:01:30,846
My name is OBL, Osama bin Laden.
1426
01:01:30,960 --> 01:01:32,724
But this is my homies
on the left here.
1427
01:01:32,840 --> 01:01:34,569
This guy here, he make them
white boys tremble,
1428
01:01:34,680 --> 01:01:36,045
so wejust call him Milkshake,
you know.
1429
01:01:36,160 --> 01:01:37,889
We got one DVD box set,
1430
01:01:38,000 --> 01:01:39,161
Seinfeld, man.
1431
01:01:39,280 --> 01:01:40,566
D- don't know--
Jews are funny, man.
1432
01:01:40,680 --> 01:01:42,045
Like Kramer.
Jerry!
1433
01:01:42,160 --> 01:01:44,766
Osama, Osama Jr., Osama Ill,
1434
01:01:44,880 --> 01:01:46,564
'cause Osama Junior Junior
Junior was stupid.
1435
01:01:46,720 --> 01:01:48,449
Yo, Muhammad, third
from the right, who's she?
1436
01:01:48,560 --> 01:01:49,721
My main man, ldi Amin.
1437
01:01:49,840 --> 01:01:50,966
Pulled some tight shit
in Uganda.
1438
01:01:51,080 --> 01:01:52,081
You know what I'm saying?
1439
01:01:52,200 --> 01:01:53,361
Ayatollah Khomeini.
1440
01:01:53,520 --> 01:01:55,090
This guy got
mad beard skills, man.
1441
01:01:55,200 --> 01:01:56,850
Got the baddest
motherfucker alive,
1442
01:01:56,960 --> 01:01:58,041
George W. Bush.
1443
01:01:58,160 --> 01:02:00,766
Oh, God!
1444
01:02:36,680 --> 01:02:37,602
Hey, hey, hey, he)'-
1445
01:02:37,720 --> 01:02:39,484
Q“ my God!
1446
01:02:39,600 --> 01:02:42,524
- Get in the truck, Gary.
- Yes, my...
1447
01:02:47,320 --> 01:02:51,166
I'm sorry.
1448
01:02:53,520 --> 01:02:55,249
Where are you going, 68W?
1449
01:02:55,360 --> 01:02:56,805
I don't know.
1450
01:02:56,920 --> 01:02:58,922
You don't even know
where you're going, do you?
1451
01:02:59,040 --> 01:03:01,088
You're just wandering around
aimlessly.
1452
01:03:01,200 --> 01:03:02,929
N0 particular direction.
1453
01:03:03,040 --> 01:03:05,202
No better than a paramecium.
1454
01:03:05,320 --> 01:03:06,207
A What?
1455
01:03:06,320 --> 01:03:08,209
A paramecium, Gary.
1456
01:03:08,320 --> 01:03:09,606
It's a single cellular
life form
1457
01:03:09,760 --> 01:03:11,000
I created some time ago.
1458
01:03:11,120 --> 01:03:12,690
I was pretty proud of it
backthen.
1459
01:03:12,800 --> 01:03:14,290
Still around to this day,
because Noah,
1460
01:03:14,400 --> 01:03:16,289
in his infinite wisdom,
chose to put it on the Ark,
1461
01:03:16,400 --> 01:03:17,731
along with syphilis
and gonorrhea.
1462
01:03:17,840 --> 01:03:20,571
Y- you're all-knowing, right?
1463
01:03:20,680 --> 01:03:21,886
Yeah, yeah, I am,
all-knowing. Yeah.
1464
01:03:22,000 --> 01:03:23,161
Well, then,
why don't you help me?
1465
01:03:23,280 --> 01:03:24,167
I mean, just like a-a drop.
1466
01:03:24,320 --> 01:03:25,162
Helping hint.
1467
01:03:25,320 --> 01:03:26,606
There's no hints, Gary.
1468
01:03:26,720 --> 01:03:29,121
This is not a treasure hunt,
or a quiz show.
1469
01:03:29,280 --> 01:03:31,009
You got freedom of choice.
1470
01:03:31,160 --> 01:03:32,525
Freedom of thought.
1471
01:03:32,640 --> 01:03:34,130
Do you know how beautiful
that is? I mean,
1472
01:03:34,240 --> 01:03:35,571
I know every thought
before you think it,
1473
01:03:35,680 --> 01:03:36,761
and let me tell you,
a lot of the thoughts
1474
01:03:36,880 --> 01:03:38,120
you got coming up
1475
01:03:38,240 --> 01:03:39,765
are pretty fucking stupid.
I am God.
1476
01:03:39,880 --> 01:03:41,769
I am the question
and the answer.
1477
01:03:41,920 --> 01:03:44,002
- Yes, my Lord!
- What's this now?
1478
01:03:44,120 --> 01:03:45,087
What's this?
It's not Aladdin.
1479
01:03:45,200 --> 01:03:46,440
I'm not a genie.
1480
01:03:46,560 --> 01:03:48,085
You are genuflecting
too aggressively.
1481
01:03:48,200 --> 01:03:49,725
You're gonna set off
the airbag.
1482
01:03:49,840 --> 01:03:51,444
Well, uh, of course,
I could be wrong, my Lord.
1483
01:03:51,560 --> 01:03:53,449
My Sweet Lord,
but l-l think this model
1484
01:03:53,560 --> 01:03:55,005
doesn't come with airbags.
1485
01:03:55,120 --> 01:03:56,565
Shut Up, Gary!
1486
01:03:56,680 --> 01:03:57,727
Shut up!
1487
01:03:57,840 --> 01:03:59,205
Sorry. Lord, I'm sorry.
1488
01:03:59,320 --> 01:04:01,209
I'm just... I'm just lost.
1489
01:04:01,320 --> 01:04:04,130
You got any idea how many times
I hear that every day?
1490
01:04:04,240 --> 01:04:05,605
"L'm lost, then I was found.
1491
01:04:05,720 --> 01:04:07,051
I'm blind, now I can see."
1492
01:04:07,160 --> 01:04:08,889
I'm tired of that lost shepherd,
lost sheep shit.
1493
01:04:09,000 --> 01:04:10,365
Yes, Lord.
1494
01:04:10,480 --> 01:04:12,369
- D0n't fucking "Yes, Lord" me.
- Yes, Lord.
1495
01:04:12,480 --> 01:04:13,766
- I said don't say that.
- Yes, Lord.
1496
01:04:13,880 --> 01:04:15,689
- Gary! -Yes, Lord.
- What? -N0, Lord.
1497
01:04:15,800 --> 01:04:18,644
- Are you saying no to me, Gary?
- N0!
1498
01:04:18,760 --> 01:04:21,127
I'm doing too much shit
to worry about this.
1499
01:04:21,240 --> 01:04:23,641
I've got 14 trillion
things to deal with right now.
1500
01:04:23,760 --> 01:04:26,650
I'm doing a million things
in this moment.
1501
01:04:26,760 --> 01:04:28,922
I'm dealing
with Hezbollah, Ebola,
1502
01:04:29,040 --> 01:04:30,769
some guy called Obama,
Coca-Cola.
1503
01:04:30,880 --> 01:04:32,211
I got a lot of shit
to deal with.
1504
01:04:32,320 --> 01:04:33,321
D0 you understand me?
1505
01:04:33,440 --> 01:04:34,930
But I just want you to be happy.
1506
01:04:35,040 --> 01:04:37,441
Well, then, Gary, try this.
1507
01:04:37,600 --> 01:04:41,286
I help those
that help themselves.
1508
01:04:47,040 --> 01:04:48,963
Gary began to battle episodes
1509
01:04:49,080 --> 01:04:52,129
of paranoid hallucinations.
1510
01:04:52,280 --> 01:04:55,682
Maybe it was because he had
gone weeks without dialysis.
1511
01:04:55,800 --> 01:04:59,168
Maybe it was because
he had smoked, in his words,
1512
01:04:59,280 --> 01:05:02,648
"A shit-ton 0f hash. "
1513
01:05:18,960 --> 01:05:21,804
He sensed eyes on him,
1514
01:05:21,920 --> 01:05:25,322
and saw danger in every corner.
1515
01:05:25,480 --> 01:05:27,369
IJ'
1516
01:05:27,480 --> 01:05:28,970
Hey!
1517
01:05:30,040 --> 01:05:31,121
Give me that moped.
1518
01:05:31,280 --> 01:05:32,441
Give me that thing.
1519
01:05:32,560 --> 01:05:34,369
Give it up.
1520
01:05:36,040 --> 01:05:37,610
Get out of my way!
1521
01:05:59,800 --> 01:06:00,847
You're letting him get away.
1522
01:06:00,960 --> 01:06:02,121
My handle was bad.
1523
01:06:02,240 --> 01:06:04,368
You're letting him get away!
1524
01:06:08,160 --> 01:06:09,969
Technically, a yacht is, uh,
1525
01:06:10,080 --> 01:06:11,320
anything over 3O feet.
1526
01:06:11,440 --> 01:06:12,646
This was just below,
it was about 26,
1527
01:06:12,760 --> 01:06:13,886
so I wouldn't say it
was a yacht.
1528
01:06:14,000 --> 01:06:15,001
What was the yacht for?
1529
01:06:15,120 --> 01:06:16,610
Uh, sailing in San Diego.
1530
01:06:16,720 --> 01:06:18,324
Business?
- Uh, yeah. Sure, business.
1531
01:06:18,440 --> 01:06:20,044
Wh-- no. I was trying
to get Osama bin Laden.
1532
01:06:20,200 --> 01:06:21,850
That's what I'm here for.
We've already been over this.
1533
01:06:21,960 --> 01:06:23,530
Uh-huh. And-and so what were
you doing in the yacht?
1534
01:06:23,640 --> 01:06:25,449
- Were you smuggling?
- No, lwasn't smuggling.
1535
01:06:25,560 --> 01:06:26,721
I was trying to get here.
1536
01:06:26,840 --> 01:06:29,605
- Who are you working with?
- Uh...
1537
01:06:29,720 --> 01:06:31,245
I'd tell you,
but you wouldn't believe me.
1538
01:06:31,360 --> 01:06:32,805
- Ml-5.
- N0.
1539
01:06:32,920 --> 01:06:34,046
- SAVAC?
- N0.
1540
01:06:34,160 --> 01:06:35,525
- Mossad.
- N0.
1541
01:06:35,640 --> 01:06:36,402
- It was...
- N0, no.
1542
01:06:36,520 --> 01:06:37,760
I'm a lone wolf.
1543
01:06:37,880 --> 01:06:39,723
- Is that your handler?
- My handler?
1544
01:06:39,840 --> 01:06:41,365
- I don't have a handler.
- You and who?
1545
01:06:41,480 --> 01:06:43,050
- N0, it's just me. You know,
- And?
1546
01:06:43,160 --> 01:06:44,207
L- l don't expect
someone like you
1547
01:06:44,320 --> 01:06:45,651
- would understand that.
- Try me.
1548
01:06:45,760 --> 01:06:47,888
- Just give me a name.
Any name. Any contact.
1549
01:06:48,000 --> 01:06:51,083
All right, well, we can talk
about that one right now.
1550
01:06:51,200 --> 01:06:52,770
L- l... it'sjust me and God.
1551
01:06:52,880 --> 01:06:54,086
Is-is he your handler, God?
1552
01:06:54,200 --> 01:06:55,565
You don't know who God is?
1553
01:06:56,920 --> 01:06:58,684
- He's God!
- Where is he currently?
1554
01:06:58,800 --> 01:07:00,211
- Can we talk to him?
- God?
1555
01:07:00,320 --> 01:07:02,049
- Yeah, can I talk to him?
- He's everywhere.
1556
01:07:02,200 --> 01:07:03,281
- Do you have an email address?
- He's everywhere.
1557
01:07:03,400 --> 01:07:04,561
Just one place.
Name one place.
1558
01:07:04,680 --> 01:07:05,841
Uh, he's right here,
right now.
1559
01:07:06,000 --> 01:07:07,968
- You know what I'm going to do?
- What?
1560
01:07:08,080 --> 01:07:09,286
I'm going to make your life
a living hell.
1561
01:07:09,400 --> 01:07:10,401
'Cause I can do that.
1562
01:07:10,520 --> 01:07:11,601
- 'Cause I have power.
- Oh!
1563
01:07:11,720 --> 01:07:13,768
- Is that a threat?
- Yeah. Yeah.
1564
01:07:13,920 --> 01:07:15,445
All right, this is it.
1565
01:07:15,560 --> 01:07:16,891
You know what?
1566
01:07:17,000 --> 01:07:18,604
You'll never even travel again.
You're grounded.
1567
01:07:18,760 --> 01:07:21,730
I am going to send you
out of here right now
1568
01:07:21,840 --> 01:07:23,808
to pack up your shit,
and we're going to
1569
01:07:23,920 --> 01:07:25,285
- put you on a plane,
- Deporting you.
1570
01:07:25,400 --> 01:07:27,004
- And send you back to America.
- I love this.
1571
01:07:27,120 --> 01:07:28,360
- Thank you.
- Where you will stay.
1572
01:07:28,520 --> 01:07:29,760
- Okay.
- You will never come back
1573
01:07:29,880 --> 01:07:31,120
- to Pakistan again.
- Okay.
1574
01:07:31,240 --> 01:07:32,571
- Buh-bye.
- All right. Bye-bye.
1575
01:07:32,680 --> 01:07:33,806
Bye-bye.
1576
01:07:35,320 --> 01:07:36,924
Maybe we should turn him.
1577
01:07:37,040 --> 01:07:38,405
Make him one of ours.
1578
01:07:38,520 --> 01:07:41,251
He's got the goods.
1579
01:07:41,360 --> 01:07:43,249
I just want to say thank you.
1580
01:07:43,360 --> 01:07:46,204
It was good and it was cheap,
1581
01:07:46,320 --> 01:07:47,321
and-and you're my friend,
1582
01:07:47,440 --> 01:07:48,646
- and I love you.
- Thank you, sir.
1583
01:07:48,760 --> 01:07:50,125
You're so kind.
1584
01:07:50,240 --> 01:07:51,480
You'll be always welcome.
1585
01:07:51,600 --> 01:07:54,001
Thank you, sir.
1586
01:07:54,120 --> 01:07:55,326
Shareef Hahsid,
1587
01:07:55,440 --> 01:07:56,965
thank you for keeping me safe.
1588
01:08:00,920 --> 01:08:02,445
Thank you.
1589
01:08:02,560 --> 01:08:03,527
- Bye, sir.
- Bye.
1590
01:08:03,680 --> 01:08:04,920
Have a nice trip.
1591
01:08:05,040 --> 01:08:06,610
- We will miss you.
- l'll miss you, too.
1592
01:08:06,720 --> 01:08:09,610
- Maybe I like to visitAmerica
one time. -Oh, man.
1593
01:08:09,720 --> 01:08:13,008
- You gotta come with me to
America, dude. -Yeah, yeah.
1594
01:08:13,120 --> 01:08:14,804
- If you come back another time,
- Abso...
1595
01:08:14,920 --> 01:08:16,570
- I want to visit your mother
place. - Absolutely, Shareef.
1596
01:08:16,680 --> 01:08:17,806
- Yeah, take care.
- Absolutely.
1597
01:08:17,920 --> 01:08:19,490
Get down!
1598
01:08:21,400 --> 01:08:23,846
It was later learned
that the shots fired
1599
01:08:23,960 --> 01:08:26,566
from the rooftop were not
from an AI-Qaeda sniper,
1600
01:08:26,680 --> 01:08:28,250
but the result of a dispute
1601
01:08:28,360 --> 01:08:30,681
between the shooter
1602
01:08:30,800 --> 01:08:33,007
and the hotel's
security guard,
1603
01:08:33,120 --> 01:08:36,169
concerning one of the man's
two wives and a goat.
1604
01:08:36,280 --> 01:08:37,645
S0rry_
1605
01:08:37,800 --> 01:08:39,131
Sorry, sorry, coming through.
1606
01:08:39,240 --> 01:08:40,162
Sorry, coming through.
1607
01:08:57,240 --> 01:09:00,642
Goddamn it!
Fucking scaffolding?!
1608
01:09:01,920 --> 01:09:04,491
Next time use a backup line.
1609
01:09:22,840 --> 01:09:24,729
Taxi! Taxi!
1610
01:09:24,840 --> 01:09:26,569
My friend! My friend!
1611
01:09:26,720 --> 01:09:29,166
- Taxi!
- I will give you a ride. Come.
1612
01:09:30,200 --> 01:09:31,929
Do you see that motorcycle?
1613
01:09:32,040 --> 01:09:33,201
- Follow him.
- Like movie.
1614
01:09:33,320 --> 01:09:35,004
Yeah. Like movie,
1615
01:09:35,120 --> 01:09:36,087
although real.
1616
01:09:36,200 --> 01:09:38,123
Go, Havidee, go!
1617
01:09:40,640 --> 01:09:42,005
Ah! Fuck!
1618
01:09:46,320 --> 01:09:48,322
We have been driving
for two hours.
1619
01:09:48,440 --> 01:09:50,602
I'm running out of gas.
1620
01:09:50,720 --> 01:09:54,247
That son-of-a-bitch
is Al-Qaeda.
1621
01:09:54,360 --> 01:09:56,044
That is his name, AI-Qaeda?
1622
01:09:56,160 --> 01:09:57,924
No, he's in Al-Qaeda.
He is?
1623
01:09:58,040 --> 01:09:59,610
That's right.
And he's going to lead us
1624
01:09:59,720 --> 01:10:01,324
- to Osama bin Laden.
- Us?
1625
01:10:01,440 --> 01:10:03,522
- Are you serious?
- l'm damn serious.
1626
01:10:03,640 --> 01:10:05,165
There he is.
He's going up the hill.
1627
01:10:05,280 --> 01:10:06,520
Follow him.
1628
01:10:06,680 --> 01:10:07,920
I'm telling you,
we're gonna lose this guy.
1629
01:10:08,040 --> 01:10:09,121
I cannot, my friend.
1630
01:10:09,240 --> 01:10:11,561
This old thing will not make it
up the road.
1631
01:10:11,680 --> 01:10:13,284
All right. Look, I understand.
1632
01:10:13,400 --> 01:10:15,641
Are you sure
you won't come back with me?
1633
01:10:15,760 --> 01:10:17,967
We could have tea and talk
about football and women.
1634
01:10:18,080 --> 01:10:20,082
Maybe some day, my friend.
Maybe some day,
1635
01:10:20,200 --> 01:10:23,170
but right now,
I've got a job to do.
1636
01:10:33,960 --> 01:10:36,122
After all the hardships,
1637
01:10:36,240 --> 01:10:37,605
the struggles,
1638
01:10:37,720 --> 01:10:39,131
the wrong turns,
1639
01:10:39,240 --> 01:10:41,766
Gary had caught the scent
of his quarry.
1640
01:10:41,920 --> 01:10:46,926
Osama bin Laden was just
over this hill.
1641
01:10:48,480 --> 01:10:50,164
Hello.
1642
01:10:50,280 --> 01:10:52,248
Shit.
1643
01:10:55,240 --> 01:10:59,768
J' Everybody really wants
to know J'
1644
01:10:59,880 --> 01:11:04,090
J' How it is
that I love you so. J'
1645
01:11:06,680 --> 01:11:08,205
Hi, God.
1646
01:11:08,320 --> 01:11:10,243
Hey, Gary.
1647
01:11:10,360 --> 01:11:12,249
Here you are,
1648
01:11:12,360 --> 01:11:14,442
closer to him
1649
01:11:14,560 --> 01:11:15,686
than ever.
1650
01:11:15,800 --> 01:11:17,723
And he's out here, isn't he?
1651
01:11:17,840 --> 01:11:19,808
You feel him, Gary.
1652
01:11:19,960 --> 01:11:22,008
He's out here.
1653
01:11:30,400 --> 01:11:34,803
I was irresponsible
in making your species.
1654
01:11:34,920 --> 01:11:37,685
Cursing you with consciousness.
1655
01:11:42,440 --> 01:11:44,568
Gar)'-
1656
01:11:44,680 --> 01:11:46,842
I'm just like you.
1657
01:11:46,960 --> 01:11:50,123
A handyman trying to fix up
a cosmic shack
1658
01:11:50,280 --> 01:11:53,682
with a nail here
and a lick of paint there.
1659
01:11:53,800 --> 01:11:58,203
Knowing that the building
really needs to be condemned.
1660
01:11:58,320 --> 01:12:02,120
People say that I made you
in my image,
1661
01:12:02,240 --> 01:12:05,289
but the truth is,
1662
01:12:05,400 --> 01:12:07,164
you made me in yours.
1663
01:12:10,240 --> 01:12:12,402
That's why we're in trouble.
1664
01:12:26,800 --> 01:12:27,926
The G is in the air.
1665
01:12:29,360 --> 01:12:31,408
King D0nkey's in the sky.
1666
01:12:33,240 --> 01:12:34,401
Hey, there.
1667
01:12:34,520 --> 01:12:35,681
It's me.
1668
01:12:35,800 --> 01:12:36,881
It's the G.
1669
01:12:37,000 --> 01:12:39,367
What the hell?
1670
01:12:40,480 --> 01:12:42,847
Oh, shit.
1671
01:12:44,640 --> 01:12:47,246
I see you, Binny boy.
1672
01:12:47,360 --> 01:12:48,885
The time has come.
1673
01:12:49,000 --> 01:12:50,809
The G has arrived.
1674
01:13:12,000 --> 01:13:13,729
Yeah, yeah, y-y-yeah.
1675
01:13:13,840 --> 01:13:16,605
Y- y-yeah, y-y-y-yeah!
1676
01:13:16,720 --> 01:13:19,087
Bin salam alaikum
Binny boy.
1677
01:13:19,200 --> 01:13:21,441
Alaikum salaam, Gary Fuckner.
1678
01:13:21,560 --> 01:13:23,210
This is where you live?
1679
01:13:23,320 --> 01:13:24,810
This shit hole?
1680
01:13:24,960 --> 01:13:27,281
What happened to the place
I saw on TV?
1681
01:13:27,400 --> 01:13:28,640
W- What place was that, Gary?
1682
01:13:28,760 --> 01:13:30,000
Your crib, man.
1683
01:13:30,120 --> 01:13:31,531
Don't you watch TV?
1684
01:13:31,640 --> 01:13:33,768
You had all those photos
with the terrorists.
1685
01:13:33,880 --> 01:13:35,609
Your own customized
pinball machine.
1686
01:13:35,760 --> 01:13:38,889
- Pin... what is pinball?
- D0n't fuck with me.
1687
01:13:39,000 --> 01:13:40,650
Gary, I have absolutely no idea
what you're talking about.
1688
01:13:40,760 --> 01:13:42,125
You know it's really
very simple.
1689
01:13:42,240 --> 01:13:43,571
Let me see if I can explain
it to you
1690
01:13:43,680 --> 01:13:47,446
in words you might be able
to understand.
1691
01:13:47,560 --> 01:13:48,846
America's the greatest country
on Earth.
1692
01:13:48,960 --> 01:13:50,166
I'm not talking
about the government.
1693
01:13:50,320 --> 01:13:51,321
I might even agree
with you there,
1694
01:13:51,440 --> 01:13:52,646
a bunch of crooks and liars.
1695
01:13:52,760 --> 01:13:54,649
I'm talking
about the people, Osama.
1696
01:13:54,760 --> 01:13:55,682
They're g0Od P909“?-
1697
01:13:55,800 --> 01:13:57,245
Gary, stop it. Stop talking.
1698
01:13:57,360 --> 01:13:58,771
- Uh, 0h.
- Shut up.
1699
01:13:58,880 --> 01:14:00,723
- Shut up, is that what
you're saying? -Yes.
1700
01:14:00,840 --> 01:14:02,569
I don't really know
how you got in here,
1701
01:14:02,680 --> 01:14:04,444
or what you're even doing here,
1702
01:14:04,560 --> 01:14:06,164
but I'm going to give you
one chance
1703
01:14:06,280 --> 01:14:07,770
to turn around and leave.
1704
01:14:07,920 --> 01:14:08,967
Oh, you're going
to give me a chance.
1705
01:14:09,080 --> 01:14:10,047
Yes.
1706
01:14:10,160 --> 01:14:11,924
See, I'm Osama bin Lad...
1707
01:14:12,040 --> 01:14:13,280
D0n't laugh. I'm Osa...
1708
01:14:13,400 --> 01:14:14,765
Hey.
1709
01:14:14,880 --> 01:14:16,689
- No, I'm Osama bin Laden.
- Okay.
1710
01:14:16,800 --> 01:14:18,006
- Yeah, and I'm the head
of the Al-Qaeda. -
1711
01:14:18,120 --> 01:14:20,441
And I will not rest
until my mission
1712
01:14:20,600 --> 01:14:22,967
is accomplished, or at least
until I die a glorious
1713
01:14:23,080 --> 01:14:24,764
fiery death trying.
Stop laughing.
1714
01:14:24,880 --> 01:14:27,724
I had a feeling you were going
to say something like that.
1715
01:14:27,840 --> 01:14:29,604
In that case...
1716
01:14:29,720 --> 01:14:32,087
looks like I've got a job to do.
1717
01:14:33,200 --> 01:14:34,122
Un-fucking-believable.
1718
01:14:38,680 --> 01:14:39,727
Ooh!
1719
01:14:42,520 --> 01:14:43,965
NO! N0!
1720
01:14:45,680 --> 01:14:46,761
N0!
1721
01:14:46,880 --> 01:14:48,370
Aha!
1722
01:14:55,800 --> 01:14:56,881
Shit!
1723
01:15:07,280 --> 01:15:09,044
My fingers are tingling!
1724
01:15:09,160 --> 01:15:10,844
It's not my fucking fault.
I didn't expect that.
1725
01:15:28,400 --> 01:15:29,845
Stop that.
1726
01:15:30,000 --> 01:15:31,411
J' How it is that J'
1727
01:15:31,520 --> 01:15:32,885
- J' I love you so J'
- What are you doing?
1728
01:15:33,000 --> 01:15:34,161
- J' My Money J'
- Lunatic.
1729
01:15:34,280 --> 01:15:35,406
J' Call me honey J'
1730
01:15:35,520 --> 01:15:36,442
Just fucking fight
normally, guy.
1731
01:15:36,560 --> 01:15:37,800
J' Let me say how J'
1732
01:15:37,920 --> 01:15:38,887
- J' There's just a J'
- We brawl.
1733
01:15:39,000 --> 01:15:40,570
J' Wave of his hand. J'
Shut up!
1734
01:15:40,720 --> 01:15:43,371
Let it kill.
1735
01:15:43,480 --> 01:15:45,209
Iwon! I won!
1736
01:15:51,720 --> 01:15:53,529
Mr. Faulkner.
1737
01:15:55,480 --> 01:15:56,641
- Good morning.
- Hi.
1738
01:15:56,760 --> 01:15:58,046
How are you feeling?
1739
01:15:58,160 --> 01:15:59,650
- Can I get you anything?
A Pepsi? -Stop, stop it.
1740
01:15:59,760 --> 01:16:00,966
He's a diabetic;
don't give him a Pepsi.
1741
01:16:01,080 --> 01:16:02,241
You're gonna throw
him into shock.
1742
01:16:02,360 --> 01:16:03,964
- Where am I? Where am I?
- Diet Pepsi?
1743
01:16:04,120 --> 01:16:05,281
- You are in a hospital
- A U.S. hospital.
1744
01:16:05,400 --> 01:16:06,447
- İn Islamabad.
- You were found
1745
01:16:06,560 --> 01:16:08,164
in a field unconscious.
1746
01:16:08,280 --> 01:16:09,361
Where's Osama?
1747
01:16:10,480 --> 01:16:11,527
Osama?!
1748
01:16:12,720 --> 01:16:14,245
Gosh, he's not here.
1749
01:16:14,360 --> 01:16:16,362
- What about the cave? -Mr.
Faulkner, there are millions
1750
01:16:16,480 --> 01:16:17,641
of caves in Pakistan.
1751
01:16:17,800 --> 01:16:19,086
I don't think
you were in a cave.
1752
01:16:19,200 --> 01:16:20,645
Even if you were in a cave,
1753
01:16:20,800 --> 01:16:22,245
we wouldn't be able to identify
which cave you were in.
1754
01:16:22,360 --> 01:16:24,727
- You let him go! -You know what,
you're frustrated.
1755
01:16:24,840 --> 01:16:26,205
- Calm down, your heart.
- We're all frustrated,
1756
01:16:26,320 --> 01:16:27,446
Mr. Faulkner.
1757
01:16:27,600 --> 01:16:29,443
- I had Osama bin Laden!
- You did not have him!
1758
01:16:29,600 --> 01:16:31,250
- And you let him go!
- You never had him!
1759
01:16:31,360 --> 01:16:32,088
Don't you bother me.
- You never had...
1760
01:16:32,200 --> 01:16:33,247
You let Osama bin Laden go.
1761
01:16:33,400 --> 01:16:34,925
Stay, please.
- You never had
1762
01:16:35,040 --> 01:16:36,246
- C)BL!
- I had him!
1763
01:16:36,400 --> 01:16:38,084
You let him go!
1764
01:17:03,560 --> 01:17:04,561
- Hey.
- Oh, 0h!
1765
01:17:06,200 --> 01:17:07,486
- l'm back.
- Oh, my God, get in here.
1766
01:17:07,640 --> 01:17:09,324
Okay.
- Oh, my God.
1767
01:17:09,440 --> 01:17:10,965
Lizzie!
1768
01:17:11,080 --> 01:17:12,047
Guess who it is?
1769
01:17:12,160 --> 01:17:13,446
There she is!
1770
01:17:13,560 --> 01:17:14,686
Oh, I've got surprises.
1771
01:17:14,800 --> 01:17:16,484
I've got goodies.
1772
01:17:16,600 --> 01:17:18,250
Oh, look at this.
1773
01:17:18,400 --> 01:17:19,811
You know what this is?
1774
01:17:19,920 --> 01:17:21,081
Look.
1775
01:17:21,200 --> 01:17:23,771
This is an exotic dress
from Pakistan.
1776
01:17:24,880 --> 01:17:25,961
Isn't that nice?
1777
01:17:26,080 --> 01:17:27,809
- That is gorgeous.
- Yeah, well,
1778
01:17:27,920 --> 01:17:29,285
they were very nice there.
They were.
1779
01:17:29,400 --> 01:17:30,811
They were very welcoming,
1780
01:17:30,920 --> 01:17:32,126
and one day I'd like
to take both of you there.
1781
01:17:32,240 --> 01:17:33,127
It'd be an adventure.
1782
01:17:33,240 --> 01:17:34,241
We'd love to go.
1783
01:17:34,360 --> 01:17:35,247
- Yeah.
- Right?
1784
01:17:35,360 --> 01:17:36,361
Yeah.
1785
01:17:36,480 --> 01:17:37,561
I hope you don't mind.
1786
01:17:37,680 --> 01:17:39,250
I called a radio station,
1787
01:17:39,360 --> 01:17:40,691
and-and I told them
all about you...
1788
01:17:40,840 --> 01:17:41,807
- Radio station?
- ...and I think they want
1789
01:17:41,920 --> 01:17:43,081
- to interview you...
- Oh.
1790
01:17:43,200 --> 01:17:44,247
...later on this week,
if that's okay.
1791
01:17:44,360 --> 01:17:45,247
An interview?
1792
01:17:45,360 --> 01:17:46,930
Well, I'd have
to check my schedule.
1793
01:17:47,040 --> 01:17:48,280
You know, I have a lot to do.
1794
01:17:48,400 --> 01:17:50,607
I'm-I'm planning
and training and...
1795
01:17:50,720 --> 01:17:52,643
but, uh, well,
we'll see, we'll see.
1796
01:17:52,760 --> 01:17:54,091
- Yeah.
- Oh.
1797
01:17:54,200 --> 01:17:55,440
- L'm glad you're home.
- l'm glad to be back.
1798
01:17:55,560 --> 01:17:56,721
- I am.
- l'm so glad you're home.
1799
01:17:56,840 --> 01:17:57,841
- L'm so glad I'm home.
- Thank you.
1800
01:17:57,960 --> 01:17:59,121
I'm so glad I'm home.
1801
01:17:59,240 --> 01:18:00,480
- Okay, you want to try this on?
- Yeah.
1802
01:18:00,600 --> 01:18:03,604
Duh-duh-duh-duh!
1803
01:18:03,720 --> 01:18:04,607
- Huh?
Oh!
1804
01:18:04,720 --> 01:18:05,801
Yeah!
1805
01:18:05,920 --> 01:18:06,807
You look great.
1806
01:18:08,200 --> 01:18:09,645
l'll get it!
1807
01:18:13,440 --> 01:18:15,204
Gary! Gary! Gary!
- The fuck!
1808
01:18:15,320 --> 01:18:17,448
Oh, shit!
1809
01:18:17,560 --> 01:18:19,130
Oh, my God.
1810
01:18:19,240 --> 01:18:20,446
Tell us about your experiences.
1811
01:18:20,560 --> 01:18:22,244
Yeah, yeah, with bin Laden,
yeah.
1812
01:18:22,360 --> 01:18:23,771
Dr. Ross, it's-it's Gary.
1813
01:18:23,880 --> 01:18:25,564
He's on the radio.
1814
01:18:25,720 --> 01:18:27,449
Uh, tell us, Gary,
how did you finance the trip?
1815
01:18:27,560 --> 01:18:29,528
Yeah, I lied
to my kidney doctor.
1816
01:18:29,680 --> 01:18:31,284
I told him I bought
an engagement ring,
1817
01:18:31,400 --> 01:18:34,290
but really I bought a boat
and sailed to Pakistan.
1818
01:18:36,720 --> 01:18:38,006
Most people thought I was crazy,
1819
01:18:38,120 --> 01:18:39,724
but I guess to my friends,
I seem normal.
1820
01:18:39,840 --> 01:18:41,126
Yeah.
1821
01:18:41,240 --> 01:18:42,401
You know, I really could not
1822
01:18:42,520 --> 01:18:43,681
have done anything
without Marci,
1823
01:18:43,800 --> 01:18:44,881
and you know what they say.
1824
01:18:45,000 --> 01:18:46,604
It's easier to beg
for forgiveness
1825
01:18:46,720 --> 01:18:48,609
than to ask for permission.
1826
01:18:48,720 --> 01:18:52,486
Hollywood called, and they want
to make a movie about The G,
1827
01:18:52,600 --> 01:18:54,409
and they said,
"Who do you want to play you?
1828
01:18:54,520 --> 01:18:56,648
Clint Eastwood or Dan Aykroyd?"
1829
01:18:56,760 --> 01:18:58,000
I thought,
"l don't know."
1830
01:18:58,120 --> 01:18:59,610
And then they
brought up Nic Cage.
1831
01:18:59,720 --> 01:19:01,609
I said,
"Nic Cage did Con Air."
1832
01:19:01,720 --> 01:19:04,769
Don't you think I look a little
like Nic Cage in Con Air?
1833
01:19:08,720 --> 01:19:10,484
Let me help you
with the groceries.
1834
01:19:10,640 --> 01:19:12,210
- I can get that.
- Thanks.
1835
01:19:12,320 --> 01:19:14,687
Yeah.
1836
01:19:16,520 --> 01:19:17,601
Lettuce.
1837
01:19:17,720 --> 01:19:18,721
Oh, thanks.
1838
01:19:18,840 --> 01:19:20,001
Oh, wow.
1839
01:19:20,120 --> 01:19:21,770
Roasted marshmallows
are the best.
1840
01:19:21,880 --> 01:19:23,041
These are the best.
1841
01:19:24,840 --> 01:19:28,287
Um... you know, I was going
to make veggie lasagna tonight.
1842
01:19:28,400 --> 01:19:30,402
I'd love to but...
1843
01:19:30,520 --> 01:19:31,806
I- I-I got to be straight
with you
1844
01:19:31,920 --> 01:19:33,570
because I know it's important,
you know.
1845
01:19:33,680 --> 01:19:36,365
L- l'm going back to Pakistan.
1846
01:19:40,200 --> 01:19:41,645
You're going back to Pakistan.
1847
01:19:41,760 --> 01:19:43,649
Well, yeah, I got
to get the job done.
1848
01:19:43,760 --> 01:19:45,205
Are you afraid of anything?
1849
01:19:45,320 --> 01:19:46,401
Does anything scare you?
1850
01:19:46,520 --> 01:19:48,249
Islands.
1851
01:19:48,360 --> 01:19:49,646
Islands? What do you mean?
1852
01:19:49,800 --> 01:19:51,245
- Like... island-islands?
- Yeah... yeah.
1853
01:19:51,360 --> 01:19:52,691
Like Hawaii?
1854
01:19:52,800 --> 01:19:54,040
Yeah, most people
are afraid of islands.
1855
01:19:54,160 --> 01:19:55,764
They just don't know it,
but it's natural.
1856
01:19:55,880 --> 01:19:57,769
It's natural to fear them
because when you're on an island
1857
01:19:57,880 --> 01:19:59,325
you're surrounded and stuff,
1858
01:19:59,480 --> 01:20:00,447
and, anyway, I'm more inclined
1859
01:20:00,560 --> 01:20:01,721
'cause I'm a Leo, and lions...
1860
01:20:01,840 --> 01:20:02,966
they just have no place
on an island.
1861
01:20:03,080 --> 01:20:04,002
I mean, that's a fact.
1862
01:20:04,120 --> 01:20:05,087
That's a fact.
1863
01:20:08,880 --> 01:20:11,121
D0 you want to know
what I'm afraid of?
1864
01:20:11,280 --> 01:20:12,406
Bats.
1865
01:20:12,520 --> 01:20:13,681
N0.
1866
01:20:14,760 --> 01:20:16,569
That's all I got.
1867
01:20:16,680 --> 01:20:19,365
It's a long list.
1868
01:20:19,480 --> 01:20:21,403
Well, hey, listen...
1869
01:20:21,520 --> 01:20:23,329
as long as I'm around,
1870
01:20:23,440 --> 01:20:26,603
if you need any help
slaying any demons,
1871
01:20:26,720 --> 01:20:28,210
I'm your man.
1872
01:20:28,320 --> 01:20:30,482
And what about
when you're not here?
1873
01:20:39,760 --> 01:20:41,285
- Come on.
- Where's Lizzie?
1874
01:20:41,400 --> 01:20:42,925
SchooL
1875
01:20:48,960 --> 01:20:50,849
Come on.
1876
01:20:59,600 --> 01:21:02,444
Tonight, I can report
to the American people
1877
01:21:02,560 --> 01:21:05,325
that the United States has
conducted an operation
1878
01:21:05,440 --> 01:21:07,920
that killed Osama bin Laden,
1879
01:21:08,040 --> 01:21:09,166
the leader of Al-Qaeda.
1880
01:21:09,280 --> 01:21:11,521
The images of 9/11 are seared
1881
01:21:11,640 --> 01:21:12,971
into our national memory.
1882
01:21:13,080 --> 01:21:14,320
And a terrorist
1883
01:21:14,440 --> 01:21:16,408
responsible for the murder
of thousands
1884
01:21:16,520 --> 01:21:18,045
of innocent men,
1885
01:21:18,160 --> 01:21:19,286
women, and children.
1886
01:21:19,400 --> 01:21:21,368
Jet planes... cutting through...
1887
01:21:21,520 --> 01:21:23,522
a cloudless September sky.
1888
01:21:23,640 --> 01:21:26,564
- The Twin Towers collapsing
to the ground. -
1889
01:21:26,680 --> 01:21:28,125
I determined
that we had enough...
1890
01:21:28,240 --> 01:21:30,447
Oh, my God, this is a big day
for America, okay.
1891
01:21:30,560 --> 01:21:32,130
Those guys are heroes.
1892
01:21:32,280 --> 01:21:34,647
...t0 get
Osama bin Laden
1893
01:21:34,760 --> 01:21:36,285
and bring him to justice.
1894
01:21:36,400 --> 01:21:38,641
The United States launched
a targeted operation
1895
01:21:38,760 --> 01:21:40,524
against that compound...
1896
01:21:40,640 --> 01:21:41,926
Gary, are you okay?
1897
01:21:42,080 --> 01:21:44,048
Oh, yeah.
1898
01:21:45,120 --> 01:21:46,690
That crazy God of mine.
1899
01:21:46,800 --> 01:21:49,849
He sure works
in mysterious ways.
1900
01:21:49,960 --> 01:21:52,247
It's a sign.
1901
01:21:52,360 --> 01:21:54,931
I'd be foolish not to heed it.
1902
01:21:55,040 --> 01:21:58,726
You know, that last construction
company offered me a job.
1903
01:22:00,400 --> 01:22:02,289
Maybe it's time we take this
to the next level.
1904
01:22:02,920 --> 01:22:04,570
There's no doubt that
Al-Qaeda will continue
1905
01:22:04,680 --> 01:22:06,284
to persue attacks against us.
1906
01:22:06,440 --> 01:22:07,805
Traditional procedures
1907
01:22:07,920 --> 01:22:09,763
for Islamic burial
were followed.
1908
01:22:09,880 --> 01:22:13,123
The deceased's body was washed,
then placed in a white sheet.
1909
01:22:13,280 --> 01:22:16,489
After, the body was placed
on a prepared flat board,
1910
01:22:16,600 --> 01:22:18,887
tipped up, whereupon
the deceased's body
1911
01:22:19,000 --> 01:22:20,843
slipped into the sea.
1912
01:22:20,960 --> 01:22:23,406
Well...
1913
01:22:23,520 --> 01:22:25,568
what do you think?
1914
01:22:25,680 --> 01:22:27,682
They buried him at sea.
1915
01:22:27,800 --> 01:22:31,725
Really?
1916
01:22:31,880 --> 01:22:33,803
No pictures yet released,
1917
01:22:33,920 --> 01:22:35,649
but there's still
a lot more information...
1918
01:22:37,720 --> 01:22:41,611
The U.S. government
is embarrassed,
1919
01:22:41,720 --> 01:22:45,122
because they have not caught him
yet, so they want to make us
1920
01:22:45,240 --> 01:22:47,163
believe that he's dead.
1921
01:22:47,280 --> 01:22:50,409
Otherwise,
why not show us his face?
1922
01:22:50,520 --> 01:22:51,851
Show us his body.
1923
01:22:51,960 --> 01:22:53,644
Why-why the burial at sea?
1924
01:22:53,760 --> 01:22:57,651
He's alive and I'm the only one
1925
01:22:57,760 --> 01:22:59,649
who can capture him.
1926
01:22:59,760 --> 01:23:01,967
I am Gary Faulkner.
1927
01:23:02,120 --> 01:23:04,407
I'm the Donkey King.
1928
01:23:04,520 --> 01:23:07,808
It's a lie!
1929
01:23:07,960 --> 01:23:09,371
I'm going back!
1930
01:23:09,480 --> 01:23:10,925
That's right, Lizzie.
1931
01:23:11,040 --> 01:23:12,769
When you find your purpose,
you have to do it.
1932
01:23:12,920 --> 01:23:14,922
You have to do it,
no matter what.
1933
01:23:15,040 --> 01:23:17,088
Lizzie! Lizzie!
1934
01:23:17,200 --> 01:23:18,884
This is my sword.
1935
01:23:19,000 --> 01:23:20,001
Well, it was my sword.
1936
01:23:20,120 --> 01:23:21,121
Now it's your sword.
1937
01:23:21,240 --> 01:23:23,242
Wait a minute.
1938
01:23:23,360 --> 01:23:24,646
You don't need a sword.
1939
01:23:24,760 --> 01:23:26,842
This is just a stick
to hold a balloon.
1940
01:23:28,080 --> 01:23:29,286
Just a handle forjoy
1941
01:23:29,440 --> 01:23:31,283
as far as I'm concerned.
1942
01:23:31,440 --> 01:23:33,408
So, you hold on tight,
sweetheart,
1943
01:23:33,520 --> 01:23:35,443
because joy comes forever.
1944
01:23:35,560 --> 01:23:38,769
Joy comes forever.
1945
01:23:38,880 --> 01:23:42,521
Aw, I love you, too, sweetheart.
1946
01:23:42,640 --> 01:23:45,450
Don't wait up, babe.
1947
01:23:51,160 --> 01:23:53,003
Gary!
1948
01:23:53,120 --> 01:23:55,521
Come back.
1949
01:23:57,040 --> 01:23:59,725
Don't worry, I will.
1950
01:24:09,920 --> 01:24:11,843
IJ'
1951
01:24:32,640 --> 01:24:34,608
IJ'
1952
01:24:46,840 --> 01:24:49,810
IJ'
1953
01:24:53,600 --> 01:24:55,204
So, why don't you use
your free will
1954
01:24:55,360 --> 01:24:56,964
and freedom of choice,
1955
01:24:57,080 --> 01:24:59,321
and then make the decision
1956
01:24:59,440 --> 01:25:02,728
that'll make us both proud.
1957
01:25:14,280 --> 01:25:15,486
What?
1958
01:25:17,640 --> 01:25:19,722
What if I just gave up?
1959
01:25:19,880 --> 01:25:22,201
You, me, and...
1960
01:25:22,320 --> 01:25:26,564
Lizzie, we could just
spend some time together.
1961
01:25:32,200 --> 01:25:34,885
I love you, Marci Mitchell.
1962
01:25:37,000 --> 01:25:38,604
I don't know.
1963
01:25:40,880 --> 01:25:42,848
Come on.
1964
01:25:51,680 --> 01:25:53,648
Gary.
1965
01:25:54,680 --> 01:25:56,648
Gary!
1966
01:25:57,880 --> 01:25:58,961
Gary!
1967
01:26:01,040 --> 01:26:03,168
All's I want to go do
is take a nap
1968
01:26:03,280 --> 01:26:05,567
for about two days.
Uaughs)
1969
01:26:12,880 --> 01:26:15,804
Gary Faulkner
from Greeley, Colorado,
1970
01:26:15,920 --> 01:26:18,890
was found alone in a forest
in northern Pakistan.
1971
01:26:23,800 --> 01:26:25,211
Well, I was thinking that
someone's got to get him.
1972
01:26:25,320 --> 01:26:26,446
Why not me?
1973
01:26:37,480 --> 01:26:38,527
And joining us now exclusively
1974
01:26:38,640 --> 01:26:40,688
this morning is Gary Faulkner.
1975
01:26:40,840 --> 01:26:42,444
- Good morning.
- Well, good morning.
1976
01:26:42,560 --> 01:26:43,971
Did you find out where he was?
1977
01:26:44,080 --> 01:26:45,525
Yeah, he's waiting in a cave
for me to go get him.
1978
01:27:04,600 --> 01:27:06,011
But because
he had broken no laws,
1979
01:27:06,120 --> 01:27:08,487
Pakistan didn't charge
him with any crime.
1980
01:27:08,600 --> 01:27:11,444
All of this right here,
I didn't even want any of it.
1981
01:27:21,280 --> 01:27:22,884
You were in Pakistan
for ten days.
1982
01:27:23,000 --> 01:27:24,809
You were captured
by the Pakistani officials.
1983
01:27:29,680 --> 01:27:31,011
His trips cost a lot of money,
1984
01:27:31,120 --> 01:27:32,690
but they were not about him.
1985
01:27:32,800 --> 01:27:34,245
He said they were
about the American people.
1986
01:27:39,320 --> 01:27:43,609
I have never met more humble
and open people than that.
1987
01:27:51,240 --> 01:27:53,322
Well, how do you go about
trying to find Osama bin Laden?
1988
01:27:53,440 --> 01:27:54,646
You don't.
1989
01:27:54,760 --> 01:27:56,842
You let the spirit guide you.
142074
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