All language subtitles for The.Ref.1994.1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG

[ Choir ]
* THE HOLLY AND THE IVY

* WHEN THEY ARE BOTH
FULL GROWN *

* OF ALL THE TREES
THAT ARE IN THE WOODS *

* THE HOLLY BEARS THE CROWN

* OH, THE RISING OF THE SUN

* AND THE RUNNING
OF THE DEER *

* THE PLAYING
OF THE MERRY ORGAN *

* SWEET SINGING IN THE CHOIR *

THERE'S SUPPOSED TO BE
A BABY JESUS IN THE MANGER,

BUT SOMEONE STOLE IT.

REALLY ?
LIEUTENANT, WHERE
IS THAT BABY JESUS ?

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

SOUNDS GREAT, BOB.

THANKS, CHIEF.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.

STEVE, PHIL,
MERRY CHRISTMAS.

OH, WOW !
THAT'S SO COOL.

[ Train Whistle Blowing ]

[ Whistle Blowing ]

HI.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.
OH, MERRY CHRISTMAS.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, SIR.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, SIR.

OH, THANK YOU
VERY MUCH, SIR.

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU
AND YOUR FAMILY.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

[ Bell Tolling ]
MERRY CHRISTMAS.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

[ Man ]
ALL RIGHT,
THIS NEXT EXERCISE...

WILL HELP YOU BOTH
WITH LISTENING.

ONE OF YOU WILL SPEAK WHILE
THE OTHER REALLY JUST...

LISTENS.

WOULD SOMEONE LIKE
TO GO FIRST ?

ME. I HAD THIS CRAZY DREAM.
DO WE HAVE
TO DO DREAMS ?

I WAS AT THIS
FANCY RESTAURANT
HAVING LUNCH...

AND THE WAITER
BROUGHT ME MY ENTREE.
IT WAS A SALAD.

IT WAS LLOYD'S HEAD
ON A PLATE OF SPINACH...

WITH HIS PENIS
STICKING OUT OF HIS EAR.

AND I SAID,
"I DIDN'T ORDER THIS."

AND THE WAITER SAID,
"YOU MUST TRY IT.
IT'S A DELICACY.

BUT DON'T EAT THE PENIS;
IT'S JUST GARNISH."

- MMM.
- LLOYD, WHAT DO YOU
THINK ABOUT THE DREAM ?

I THINK SHE SHOULD STOP
TELLING IT AT DINNER PARTIES
TO ALL OUR FRIENDS.

I MEAN, DREAMS
SHOULD BE PRIVATE,
DON'T YOU THINK ?

I'M NOT HERE TO JUDGE OR
TO TAKE SIDES. I WILL SAY...

COMMUNICATION
IS HEALTHY.
HEALTHY ?

TELLING PEOPLE SHE DREAMS
OF ME BEING CASTRATED
"FLORENTINED" IS HEALTHY ?

ARE THERE ANY SEXUAL
PROBLEMS IN THE MARRIAGE ?

WELL...

THE TRUTH IS, UM,
WE HAVEN'T HAD SEX
IN QUITE A WHILE.

[ Clears Throat ]
AND BEFORE THAT,
IT WASN'T ALL THAT, UM--

OH, WHAT'S THE WORD ?

- NOTEWORTHY.
- MM-HMM.

BY OUR 12th ANNIVERSARY,
WE'D GOTTEN INTO
A PRETTY STALE ROUTINE.

A COUPLE OF KISSES,
A COUPLE OF NIPPLE TWISTS.

IT WOULD BE OVER
IN THE TIME IT TAKES
TO MAKE CAPPUCCINO.

I KNOW BECAUSE I TIMED IT ONCE.
I MEAN, IT'S NO WONDER
I HAD AN AFFAIR.

HOW COULD YOU TELL HIM
THAT SO CASUALLY, LIKE YOU
WERE ASKING FOR WATER ?

ACTUALLY, MAY I HAVE
A GLASS OF WATER ?

WHY DON'T YOU HAVE ORAL SEX TOO.
I'LL GO WAIT IN THE CAR !

LLOYD, HOW DO YOU FEEL
ABOUT CAROLINE'S AFFAIR ?

HE JUST WANTS ME TO WEAR A RED
"A" AND SLEEP IN THE BASEMENT.
IS THAT SO UNREASONABLE ?

EVERYTHING'S EITHER
BLACK OR WHITE WITH HIM.

YOU KNOW, HE DOESN'T--
HE DOESN'T SEE WHERE
HE'S RESPONSIBLE.

AND I MEAN,
IT JUST DIDN'T MEAN
ANYTHING TO ME.

IT SHOULDN'T EVEN
BE COUNTED AS AN AFFAIR.

[ Sighs ]

I THINK WE NEED
A RULING ON THIS.

* BELLS WILL BE RINGING

* THE SAD, SAD NEWS

* OH, WHAT A CHRISTMAS

* TO HAVE THE BLUES

* MY BABY'S GONE

* I HAVE NO FRIENDS *

[ Beep ]

[ Tapping On Keys ]

[ Cat Yowls ]

[ Sniffing ]

JESUS.
[ Sniffs]

CAT PISS.
[ Sniffs ]

UGH.
[ Spits ]

[ Dr. Wong ]
LLOYD, HAVE YOU FORGIVEN
CAROLINE FOR HER AFFAIR ?

LOOK, IT WAS A LONG
TIME AGO. IT'S OVER.
I'M FINE ABOUT IT.

I JUST DON'T WANT
TO TALK ABOUT IT.
THEN LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.

WHAT DO YOU WANT
FROM THE MARRIAGE NOW ?

I WANNA STOP TALKING
ABOUT IT. LOOK, THE TRUTH
IS I WANT NOTHING.

I HAVE EVERYTHING I NEED.
I'M ACTUALLY A VERY
CONTENT PERSON.

WHAT A LIAR.
YOU'RE SO UNHAPPY
YOU CAN HARDLY BREATHE.

AND I FEEL IT
IN EVERY GESTURE,
IN EVERY SILENCE.

AND I'M MISERABLE.
HOW CAN WE BOTH BE
IN THE MARRIAGE...

AND I'M MISERABLE
AND YOU'RE CONTENT ?
LUCK ?

- CAROLINE, WHAT DO YOU
WANT FROM THE MARRIAGE ?
- OH, THIS SHOULD BE GOOD.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU WANT. YOU BLAME
EVERYBODY ELSE FOR IT.

SHE'S IMPOSSIBLE TO SATISFY.
SHE LIVES IN HER FANTASIES.

I MEAN, LET'S REALLY
TRY TO UNDERSTAND
CAROLINE'S MISERABLE LIFE.

- SHE LIVES IN A BEAUTIFUL HOME.
- WHICH HIS MOTHER OWNS.

- I HAVE A SUCCESSFUL BUSINESS.
- WHICH HIS MOTHER OWNS.

WE'RE IN SERVITUDE TO HIS MOTHER
FOR A LOAN SHE'S CHARGING US
18% INTEREST ON.

WE PERSONALLY
OWN NOTHING.
WE TOOK OUT A LOAN.

NO, YOU TOOK OUT A LOAN.
IT WAS YOUR DECISION.

- YOU TOOK OUT A LOAN
FROM SATAN MOM.
- SHE BLAMES MY MOTHER...

FOR EVERYTHING THAT'S GONE WRONG
IN HER LIFE. IN THE MEANTIME,
SHE NEVER FINISHES ANYTHING.

PHOTOGRAPHY COURSES,
EXISTENTIAL PHILOSOPHY COURSES,
SCANDINAVIAN COOKING CLASSES--

- AT LEAST I GO AFTER MY DREAMS.
- TO BE WHAT ? SOMEBODY
WHO TAKES PHOTOGRAPHS...

OF LUTEFISK TO PROVE
THE NOTHINGNESS OF BEING ?
NO WONDER OUR SON'S SO CONFUSED.

SEE ? HE BLAMES ME FOR JESSE.
IS THAT RIGHT ?

- I'M NOT HERE TO JUDGE.
- WHAT THE HELL GOOD ARE YOU ?

YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO SUFFOCATED HIM
WITH LIMITATIONS.

OUR SON'S A VERY SENSITIVE,
CREATIVE...
JUVENILE DELINQUENT.

- BOY. HE HAS THE IMAGINATION--
- THAT THE MAFIA GIVES
SCHOLARSHIPS FOR.

IN THE NINTH GRADE, WE TOLD HIM
HE COULD GET A PART-TIME JOB.

HE STARTED AN ESCORT SERVICE FOR
THE FOOTBALL TEAM, AND HE GAVE
OUT MY MOTHER'S PHONE NUMBER.

AND I STILL SAY GETTIN' LAID
BY AN 18-YEAR-OLD LINEBACKER
IS JUST WHAT SHE NEEDS !

- PLEASE !
LET'S LOWER OUR VOICES !
- [ Both ] FUCK YOU !

YES.

[ Ticking ]

- [ Ticking Accelerating ]
- FUCKIN'--

[ Sirens Blaring ]
[ Electronic Voice ]
BURGLARY ! BURGLARY !

BURGLARY !

OHH !

[ Sirens Continue ]
OH, NO ! GUSSIE !

WHERE THE HELL ARE YA ?

[ Gasping ]

[ Growling ]

[ Growling Continues ]

[ Growling ]

WANNA PLAY BALL ?

PLAY CATCH, PAL ?
HUH ?

CHASE THE BALL ?

[ Thud ]

[ Barking Continues ]

[ Crunching ]

[ Crunching Continues ]

GOOD DOGGY.
GOOD THICKHEADED DOGGY.

HOW ABOUT THIS, HUH ?
HUH ?
[ Growling ]

GO.

- [ Snarling ]
- [ Screams ]

[ Sirens Wailing ]

[ Chattering On Police Radio ]
[ Policeman #1 ]
GET SOME LIGHT OVER HERE.

[ Policeman #2 ]
CHECK AROUND BACK.

YOU CAN DIVORCE ME, YOU KNOW.
I MEAN, I DON'T CARE
ABOUT ALIMONY.

YOU CAN SAY...

THAT I WAS UNFAITHFUL.

YOU WERE.

THAT'S WHY I SAID
YOU CAN SAY IT.

NO, NO. YOU SAID IT
AS IF IT WEREN'T TRUE,

BUT THAT I COULD SAY IT
JUST TO GET THE DIVORCE.

EXCEPT THAT IT IS TRUE,
AND WE'RE NOT
GETTING A DIVORCE.

[ Radio ]
AND LATER ON IN THE NEWS--

AREN'T YOU COMING IN WITH ME ?
NO, I WANT
TO LISTEN TO THE NEWS.

THERE IS A WORLD
GOING ON BEYOND
OUR PROBLEMS, CAROLINE.

JUST BECAUSE
YOU'VE MADE YOUR DECREE
ABOUT THIS DIVORCE...

DOESN'T MEAN
I'M GIVING UP ON IT.
CAROLINE,

THE DAY YOU SEE ANYTHING
THROUGH TO THE END, I'LL STICK
MY OWN DICK IN MY EAR.

[ Sirens Wailing
In Distance ]

[ Door Opens, Closes ]
[ Bell Rings ]

[ Bell Rings ]
[ Woman ] I ORDERED A CASE OF
EGGNOG SO THIS WOULDN'T HAPPEN.

[ Clerk ] I'M SORRY.
I CAN'T HELP YOU.

[ Woman ]
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. I HAVE
25 RELATIVES COMING IN ONE HOUR,

AND YOU HAVE
ONE BOTTLE OF EGGNOG.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO ?
IT'S CHRISTMAS.
I'M HERE ALONE.

I'D LOVE TO BE ABLE
TO HELP YOU. I DON'T
KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU.

[ Woman ]
ARE YOU CRAZY ?

[ Clerk ]
I HAVE NOTHING I CAN
DO FOR YOU. I'M SORRY.

THERE'S NO ONE IN THE STORE TO
HELP ME. CAN'T YOU MAKE SOME ?
MAKE SOME ? ARE YOU NUTS ?

ARE YOU NUTS ? I HAVE GOT
25 RELATIVES COMING.
IT ONLY TAKES CREAM, NUTMEG--

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITHOUT IT ?

I PROMISED THEM
I'D HAVE EGGNOG !
YOU CAN IF YOU MAKE IT.

I CAN'T MAKE IT !
YOU MAKE IT !

[ Gun Cocks ]
OKAY.

DON'T MOVE. DON'T TALK.
THIS IS A GUN IN YOUR BACK.
[ Gasps, Drops Groceries ]

WHAT'S GOING ON ?
WHO IS HE ?

HE'S THE WORLD BEYOND
OUR PROBLEMS, WHICH IS
NOW OUR PROBLEM.

SHUT UP.
DRIVE.
MY GOD, CARRIE,
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT ?

DRIVE.

[ Man #1 ] LIEUTENANT HUFF,
HOW COULD THIS HAVE
HAPPENED IN OLD BAYBROOK ?

[ Man #2 ]
WHY WEREN'T THERE MORE
POLICE ON THE STREET ?

THIS MAN HAS BEEN TERRORIZING
THE ENTIRE COUNTY.
LOOK.

I'D PUT MORE MEN ON THE STREET,
BUT THEY'RE NOT QUALIFIED
FOR THIS KIND OF THING.

WHY NOT ? THEY ARE POLICE,
AREN'T THEY ?

THEY HAVE NO EXPERIENCE.
NOTHING EVER HAPPENS
IN THIS TOWN.

THE ONLY TIME WE GET
CALLS FROM YOU PEOPLE...

IS WHEN SOME KID IS
PLAYING A PRACTICAL JOKE...

OR YOUR FAGGOT DOGS
START HUMPING EACH OTHER
WITHOUT PERMISSION.

ANY TIME THERE'S ANY
REAL PROBLEM, YOU PEOPLE
CALL YOUR JUDGE FRIENDS...

AND YOUR ATTORNEY GENERAL
FRIENDS AND YOUR DISTRICT
ATTORNEY FRIENDS.

WHY DON'T YOU CALL THEM NOW
AND GET THE HELL
OUT OF MY OFFICE ?

IT DOESN'T NECESSARILY
HAVE TO BE YOUR OFFICE.

I'M CALLING AN EMERGENCY MEETING
OF THE OLD BAYBROOK
EMERGENCY COMMUNITY COMMITTEE.

AND I'LL BE SUGGESTING
AT THAT MEETING...

THAT OUR VOLUNTEERS
PATROL THE STREETS
TO PROTECT OUR HOMES.

AND IF YOU WOULD LIKE, LT. HUFF,
I WILL SPEAK TO THE MAYOR--
A GOLFING CHUM OF MINE--

ABOUT FINDING YOU A REPLACEMENT,
SINCE YOU DON'T LIKE IT
HERE IN OLD BAYBROOK.

AND MAYBE I'LL JUST
TELL HIM THAT YOU'VE HIT
INTO A WATER HAZARD...

AND YOU'RE WAY IN
OVER YOUR HEAD.

GET OUT.

[ Radio ] AUTHORITIES
HAVE SPECULATED THAT THE THIEF
MAY STILL BE IN THE AREA.

ROADBLOCKS ARE BEING SET UP
ON INTERSTATE--
FUCK ! GODDAMN IT !

TURN IT OFF !
TURN IT OFF !

GODDAMN IT ! SHIT !

FUCKIN' CHRISTMAS !

FUCKIN' COCKSUCKERS !
JESUS !

I CAN'T BELIEVE
THEY'RE GOING TO ALL
THIS TROUBLE FOR A THIEF.

I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE
YOU KILLED ANYONE.
KINDA SILLY, AIN'T IT ?

YEAH.
ALTHOUGH IT'S
STILL EARLY, RIGHT ?

WHAT'S THAT SMELL ?
SHUT UP !

TAKE ME TO YOUR HOUSE.

LISTEN, WE'LL DROP YOU OFF
WHEREVER YOU'D LIKE,
AND WE WON'T SAY A WORD.

WE'RE NOT HEROES.
BELIEVE ME, I CAN VOUCH
FOR THAT. LLOYD IS NO HERO.

ENOUGH, OKAY ? I SAID TAKE ME
TO YOUR FUCKIN' HOUSE.

I GOTTA THINK.
AW, FUCK.

[ Chuckles ]

FUCK. CHRIST.
[ Whispering ]
WHAT ?
NOTHING.

NO. WHAT WAS THAT LAUGH FOR ?
NO, I DON'T.
OH, LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW.

OH, YEAH, SURE, RIGHT.
"LLOYD'S NO HERO."
THANKS A LOT !

PLEASE.
I WAS TRYING TO--
GO TO HELL !

SHUT UP.

NEVER'VE HAPPENED IF
YOU'D COME INTO THE STORE !
I HAVE A GUN.

HE CHOSE ME BECAUSE
I WAS ALONE.
SHUT UP !

JESUS FUCKIN' CHRIST !
OKAY, OKAY.

BUT I'M RIGHT, AREN'T I ?
YOU WOULD NEVER HAVE TAKEN
A COUPLE, WOULD YOU ?

- ALL RIGHT. NO.
- NO. THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.

CHRIST.
SEE ?

HAPPY NOW ?
GREAT.
YEAH, I AM,
ACTUALLY.

LESS THAN TEN MINUTES AGO,
YOU SAT IN THE CAR...
HEY, HEY ! STOP SIGN.

AND TOLD ME YOU WANT
TO STOP ARGUING.
STOP SIGN ! WHOA !

[ Horn Blaring ]
HO ! HO ! HO !

HEY, MORONS !

- YOU RAN THE STOP SIGN.
- I DID NOT.
THERE WAS NO STOP SIGN.

YES, THERE WAS,
AND YES, YOU DID.
YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT.

HE SAW IT. HE SAID,
"STOP SIGN." I HEARD IT.
GREAT.

I HIJACKED
MY FUCKIN' PARENTS.

SOMEBODY WHO MAKES SENSE,
I LISTEN TO ! YES, THERE WAS.
THERE WAS NO STOP SIGN.

[ Men Talking, Shouting ]

UH, LIEUTENANT, I FOUND
THIS MASK WITH A WEIRD SMELL.
WE BOTH FOUND IT.

[ Sniffing ]
URINE.

OH, THANK GOD.
PHIL THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE SEMEN.

PHIL NEEDS TO TALK
TO A THERAPIST.

HEY, LIEUTENANT.

[ Phil ] WE FOUND IT.
WHY'D YOU SAY THAT ?
[ Steve ] I FOUND IT.

IT'S THE COUNTY PROSECUTOR.

LT. HUFF HERE.

WILL WARREN HERE.
WHAT'S THE SUSPECT'S M.O. ?
SHH.

SUSPECT LEFT BEHIND
A FACE MASK.

THERE ARE TRACES OF
BLOND HAIR AND THE FAINT
ODOR OF AFTER-SHAVE MIXED--

I SPOKE TO MR. WILLARD.
IT SEEMS THERE MIGHT BE
A VIDEOTAPE OF THE ROBBERY.

A VIDEOTAPE ?
WHERE'D HE SAY IT IS ?
I CALLED STATE POLICE.

STATE POLICE ?
IS THAT NECESSARY ?
IT WOULD BE BEST--

MY MEN ARE SEARCHING
THE PLACE NOW--
NO.

WHAT ?
WE'LL LET PROFESSIONALS
HANDLE THIS.

EXCUSE ME, BUT THIS
IS MY JURISDICTION, AND
WE ARE PERFECTLY CAPABLE--

I DO NOT WANT YOU OR
YOUR MEN GOING IN THERE !
DO YOU HEAR ME ?

YEAH, YEAH.
I HEARD YOU !

SO... CAN WE GO HOME NOW ?

GET EVERYBODY OUT OF THERE.
LEAVE A COUPLE OF GUYS
HERE FOR THE STATE POLICE.

- THEY GOT PROFESSIONALS COMING.
- [ Clock Chiming ]

[ Car Doors Opening ]
[ Engines Starting ]

[ Chiming Continues ]

** [ Muffled Hard Rock ]

**

* IF THAT'S WANTING

* IF THAT'S LOVE
[ Knocking At Door ]

* IF THAT'S LOVE
[ Knocking ]

* IF THAT'S LOVE *
[ Knocking ]

I'M COMING.

CHASSER.
THAT'S CHASSEUR.
IT'S 18th-CENTURY
FRENCH HUGUENOT.

I'M GLAD I CAUGHT YOU BEFORE
YOU LEFT FOR THE HOLIDAYS.

MAY I COME IN ?
NO.

I CAN'T GIVE IT TO YOU
OUT IN THE HALL.
LISTEN, SISKEL,

I JUST DEVELOPED SOME
NEW PICTURES. STUNNING.

MIGHT EVEN MAKE A BOOK.
SOMETHING LIKE MAPPLETHORPE,
ONLY A LITTLE BIT MORE PERSONAL.

- DEMON SEED.
- OOH.

MY BEST TO THE WIFE AND KIDS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.

MOVE IT. MOVE IT, I SAID.

WE HAVE GIFTS
IN THE CAR IN BACK.
SHUT UP !

THEY MIGHT GET STOLEN.

WELL, DIDN'T YOU
LOCK THE CAR ?
THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

SHUT UP ! CHRIST.

[ Security System Beeping ]
[ Jesse ]
HI, GUYS. IT'S ME.

[ Gasps ]
HEY ! HEY ! HEY !

THE ALARM.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO
PICK ME UP AT THE STATION.

I'M GETTING A RIDE HOME
WITH A FRIEND.
I'LL BE LATE FOR DINNER,

SO START WITHOUT ME.
JUST KIDDING, MOM.
SEE YOU LATER. BYE.

[ Machine Beeps ]
WHO'S THAT ?

J-JESSE, OUR SON.
WE WERE SUPPOSED TO P--

STATION.
AT 8:00.

NICE.
YOU RICH ?

NO. OH, GOD, NO.
NO, NO.
NOT REALLY, NO.

DIGS LIKE THIS
AIN'T CHEAP.

I RUN AN ANTIQUE STORE
IN TOWN. THESE ARE
ALL FROM THE SHOP.

IT'S HIS MOTHER'S STORE.
SO ?

WELL, YOU MADE IT
SOUND LIKE IT WAS YOURS.
"I RUN AN ANTIQUE STORE."

I SAID I RUN IT.
I DIDN'T SAY I OWN IT.
I AM THE MANAGER.

DO YOU THINK HE CARES
IF YOU WORK FOR YOUR MOTHER ?
HEY ! HEY ! HEY !

LET'S GET ONE THING STRAIGHT.
FROM NOW ON, THE ONLY
PERSON WHO YELLS IS ME.

WHY ? BECAUSE
I HAVE A GUN, OKAY ?

PEOPLE WITH GUNS CAN DO
WHATEVER THEY WANT.

MARRIED PEOPLE WITHOUT GUNS--
FOR INSTANCE, YOU--

[ Both ]
MM-HMM.
DO NOT GET TO YELL !

WHY ? NO GUNS !

NO GUNS, NO YELLING ! SEE ?

SIMPLE LITTLE EQUATION.

JESUS CHRIST, WHO ARE
YOU FUCKIN' PEOPLE ?

CAROLINE
AND LLOYD CHASSEUR.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME ?

FUCK YOU, THAT'S MY NAME.

GOT ANY ROPE... LLOYD ?

FOR WHAT ?

WHAT AM I,
APPLYING FOR A JOB ?
NO.

THEN STOP ASKING ME
FUCKIN' QUESTIONS, OKAY ?
GOT ANY ROPE, LLOYD ?

NO, WE DON'T
HAVE ANY ROPE.

WE HAVE BUNGEE CORDS.
THEY MIGHT WORK.

WHERE ? MOVE.
RIGHT THROUGH THERE
IN THE KITCHEN.

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

EXPECTING COMPANY ?

YES. LLOYD'S MOTHER
AND HIS BROTHER'S FAMILY
ARE COMING FOR DINNER.

THEY SHOULD BE HERE
BY 9:00.

GREAT.

JESUS.

EXCUSE MY REACH.

PASS THE KETCHUP.
PASS THE KETCHUP,
PLEASE.

I'M NOT HUNGRY NOW.
I THOUGHT WE WERE
EATING AT UNCLE LLOYD'S.

GOD KNOWS WHAT DISASTER
YOUR AUNT CAROLINE
IS MAKING.

THIS MAY BE
OUR LAST CHANCE
FOR NORMAL FOOD.

SHE DOES IT TO IRRITATE ME.
I'M THE ONE THAT SHE'S AFTER.

BUT I'M NOT HUNGRY NOW.
EAT ! DON'T ANNOY ME.
IT'S CHRISTMAS.

- I'M SURE SHE'S GOING
TO A LOT OF TROUBLE.
- GARY.

THE LAST TIME
YOU ATE HER COOKING,
YOU HAD DIARRHEA FOR A WEEK.

YOU HAD DIARRHEA
FOR A WEEK, DAD ?

THAT IS NOT APPROPRIATE
DINNER CONVERSATION. EAT !

IF WE HATE AUNT CAROLINE'S
COOKING SO MUCH, WHY DO WE GO
THERE EVERY YEAR FOR CHRISTMAS ?

BECAUSE MY POOR LLOYD
NEEDS HIS FAMILY.

OTHERWISE, HE'D BE ALL ALONE
WITH THAT ADULTERESS
AND HER DELINQUENT SON.

I HOPE THEY GET
INTO A FIGHT LIKE ALWAYS.
THEIR FIGHTS ARE BITCHIN'.

SHUT UP !
DON'T MAKE ME NUTS TODAY !
IT'S CHRISTMAS !

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

AHH. MMM.

SO... WHAT'S THE WORST
DIVE BAR NEAR HERE ?

SEVENTEENTH HOLE.
THE MACKEREL LOUNGE.

[ Both ]
HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT ?

I PASSED BY ONCE
ON THE ACCESS ROAD.

DID YOU EVER PASS BY
THE SEVENTEENTH HOLE ?
IT'S LIKE A URINAL WITH WINDOWS.

AND THE MACKEREL LOUNGE
COULDN'T BE A DIVE BAR, BECAUSE
THEY CAN HAVE ENTERTAINMENT.

* IT'S CHRISTMAS
YOU'RE DRUNK AND IN JAIL *
[ Phone Ringing ]

MACKEREL LOUNGE.
HERBIE SPEAKING.

I'M LOOKING FOR A FRIEND.
[ Lloyd ] THE MACKEREL LOUNGE
COULDN'T BE THE WORST DIVE BAR.

CAN YOU HANG ON
JUST ONE SECOND PLEASE ?
OH, YOU HAPPEN TO KNOW !

AAH !

THANKS. I'M LOOKING
FOR A FRIEND OF MINE.

HE'S KIND OF A, UH,
SHORT... DRUNKEN LOSER.

YOU JUST DESCRIBED
EVERYBODY IN THE PLACE.

SEE IF THERE'S A GUY
NAMED MURRAY THERE, OKAY ?

IS THERE A MURRAY HERE ?

* THERE'LL BE SOME WHISKEY
AND A SIX-PACK *

* NOT A TREE *
I DON'T THINK
HE'S HERE, PAL.

SEE IF THERE'S A WASTE OF
FUCKING LIFE NAMED MURRAY.
TRY THAT ONE, OKAY ?

IS THERE A FUCKING WASTE
OF LIFE NAMED MURRAY HERE ?

GUS. UH...

HELLO ?

MURRAY.
HOW ARE YA, PAL ?

FINE. HOW ARE YOU ?
OH, FABULOUS, FABULOUS.
OF COURSE, I'M A LITTLE TIRED...

FROM RUNNING FOR TEN HUNDRED
FUCKIN' MILES BECAUSE THERE WAS
NO FUCKIN' CAR WAITING FOR ME !

WHAT DID I TELL YOU
IF SOMETHING WENT WRONG ?

I TOLD YOU TO ACT LIKE
A DRUNK VAGRANT IMBECILE.

- IS THAT TOO MUCH
OF A FUCKIN' STRETCH ?
- I GOT NERVOUS.

THE COPS WERE
ALL OVER THE PLACE.

THE COPS, THEY'VE
SET UP A ROADBLOCK.
THEY'RE CHECKING CARS.

AND BY 10:00 TONIGHT,
THERE'S A CURFEW.
FUCK IT.

I JUST HEARD IT
AT THE BAR.
FUCKIN'--

EXCUSE ME.
IS ANYTHING WRONG ?

LLOYD, DON'T TALK TO ME.

DON'T TALK TO ME.
SHUT UP.

DON'T SAY ANYTHING TO ME.
OKAY ? UNDERSTAND ?
[ Murray ] GUSSIE ?

- SHH.
- BECAUSE MAYBE
WE CAN HELP, YOU KNOW.

MY GOD !
I SWEAR TO GOD !

GUSSIE, WHERE THE HELL ARE YA ?
I'M SCARED. I DON'T THINK
I CAN HANDLE THIS.

- I'M--
- YA BEEN DRINKIN' ?

NO. NO.
WHAT ARE YA, NUTS ?

- LISTEN--
- CALM DOWN, OKAY ?
JUST CALM DOWN.

YOU GOTTA HELP ME.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
GO TO A PLACE CALLED
WINSLOW HARBORS, OKAY ?

- AND STEAL US A BOAT.
- BOAT ? WHA--

I'M A CAR MAN, GUSSIE.
WHAT THE HELL DO I
KNOW ABOUT BOATS ?

FIGURE IT OUT ! I DON'T
CARE IF IT'S A BARREL AS
LONG AS IT FUCKING FLOATS.

7:30 NOW. CURFEW STARTS
AT 10:00. THAT GIVES YOU
MORE THAN ENOUGH TIME.

YA GOT A PEN ?
WRITE THIS NUMBER DOWN.

OKAY ? 555-3537.

OKAY ? REPEAT IT.
3537.

LISTEN, KID. MAYBE YOU BETTER
TELL ME WHERE THE SWAG IS, IN
CASE I HAVE TO BRIBE SOMEBODY.

- NO, MURRAY. NO.
- BUT--

YOU CAN HOT-WIRE STATION WAGONS,
YOU CAN HOT-WIRE A FUCKING BOAT.

AND JUST REMEMBER,
IF YOU CAN'T, WHAT MEN YOUR AGE
BECOME IN PRISON: WET NURSES.

OKAY, MURRAY ?
BYE-BYE.

OH. THANKS.

AH. EVERYTHING'S
GONNA BE FINE.

EVERYTHING'S
GONNA BE A-OKAY.

WE'RE GONNA BE IN A BOAT
IN A COUPLE OF HOURS.
WE'LL BE OUT OF HERE.

RIGHT BACK ON TRACK.
RIGHT ? RIGHT.

[ Gulping Loudly ]

AH ! AHH !

NOW...
GOT ANY CIGARETTES ?

I DON'T SMOKE,
AND CAROLINE JUST QUIT.

AH.

JUST QUIT, HUH ?

SO... WHERE ARE THEY,
CAROLINE ?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN ?

WHERE... ARE THEY...
CAROLINE ?

BEHIND THE CHESSBOARD.

CHESSBOARD,
CHESSBOARD.

WHAT ?
YOU TOLD ME YOU QUIT.

YES !
I TOLD YOU I WOULDN'T
SMOKE IN THE HOUSE.

I NEVER SAID I QUIT.
YOU SAID YOU QUIT. YOU HADN'T
HAD A CIGARETTE IN THREE MONTHS.

I HAVEN'T FINISHED A
CIGARETTE IN THREE MONTHS.
I TAKE A FEW DRAGS.

I DON'T INHALE.
YOU ARE SUCH A LIAR,
I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

I AM NOT A LIAR !
YOU SAT RIGHT IN THE DINING ROOM
AND LIED TO ME !

IT WAS IN THE BATHROOM.
I WONDER HOW MANY OTHER THINGS
YOU'VE BEEN LYING ABOUT.

AAH ! UNH !
AAH !

[ Panting ]
UGH.

DID YOU SAY THAT YOU
WOULD QUIT, CAROLINE ?

DID YOU SAY
THAT YOU WOULD QUIT ?

YES ! SO YOU ARE A LIAR.
END OF STORY.

[ Chuckling ]

[ Pistol Cocks ]

YOU SAW THE STOP SIGN,
DIDN'T YOU, LLOYD ? HUH ?

YOU... SAW...
THE... STOP... SIGN...
DIDN'T YOU, LLOYD ?

YES, I DID.
YES ! SO YOU, TOO,
ARE A LIAR.

CAPITAL "L", SMALL "I",
SMALL "A", SMALL "R",
PERIOD.

NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP.

- [ Sniffs ]
DID YOU HAVE AN ACCIDENT ?
- [ Sniffing ]

[ Grunts ]

OOH ! DID YOU KNOW
YOU'RE BLEEDING ?

OH, YEAH.
[ Lloyd ]
WERE YOU SHOT ?

A GODDAMN DOG BIT ME.
WHAT DOG ?

- WILLARD'S DOG.
- CANNIBAL BIT YOU ?

HIS NAME IS CANNIBAL ?
YEAH.

UM, THERE ARE BAND-AIDS
IN THE BATHROOM...

IN THE MASTER BEDROOM
UPSTAIRS.

WHAT'S THROUGH HERE ?

THAT'S THE MUD ROOM.

USE THE OUCHLESS.
THEY'RE IN THE GREEN
CONTAINER.

[ Sighs ]

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
YOU WANT TO
HAVE SEX WITH HIM.

WHAT ?
"USE THE OUCHLESS."
"WE HAVE BUNGEE CORDS."

UGH.
I'M FRIGHTENED.

HUMANS GET FRIGHTENED
BECAUSE THEY HAVE FEELINGS.

DIDN'T YOUR ALIEN LEADERS
TEACH YOU THAT BEFORE
THEY SENT YOU HERE ?

I SUPPOSE YOU'LL USE
THIS DRAMA AS A REASON
TO HAVE ANOTHER AFFAIR.

I FEEL SORRY
FOR THE NEXT DELIVERYMAN
THAT COMES TO THIS HOUSE !

[ Doorbell Rings ]

SHH.

[ Ring ]

OKAY, OUR CAR'S
IN THE DRIVEWAY.

THE LIGHTS ARE ON.
THEY KNOW WE'RE IN HERE.

** [ Humming ]
[ Doorbell Rings ]

WHO THE FUCK IS THAT ?
MAKE IT QUICK.

OKAY.

HO HO HO !
MERRY CHRISTMAS.

DID I CATCH YOU
AT A BAD TIME ?

NO, NO, NO. I WAS, UM,
IN THE ATTIC.

I BET YOU THOUGHT
MARGARET FORGOT YOU
ON HER FRUITCAKE LIST.

I THOUGHT... MAYBE.
[ Laughing ]

WELL, SHE WOULD
NEVER DO THAT.

[ Santa Laughing ]
OH ? GREAT.

THANK YOU, GEORGE.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.

THANKS TO MARGARET.
YUP. BYE.
RIGHT. YEAH. HEY !

DID YOU HEAR
ABOUT THE REWARD ?

WILLARD CALLED THE RADIO STATION
FROM BIMINI WHEN HE FOUND OUT
ABOUT THE ROBBERIES,

AND HE SAID HE'LL GIVE
$100,000 TO ANYONE
WHO CAPTURES THIS GUY.

OOP. OKAY, BYE.
WELL.
[ Laughing ]

I GOT A LOT OF CHILDREN
TO SEE BEFORE THAT CURFEW.

THANK YOU.
PAY MY BEST TO LLOYD.

YUP.
AND TO THAT SON OF YOURS.
UH...

JESSE. OKAY, BYE-BYE.
I'M STILL WAITING
FOR OUR CHESS REMATCH.

AND IF HE HAPPENS TO KNOW
WHERE THE TOWN'S BABY JESUS IS,

WE'RE STILL MISSING IT
FROM THE LAWN NATIVITY SCENE
FROM LAST YEAR.

MY GOD.
YEAH.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

BYE.

THAT GUY BLAMES JESSE
FOR EVERYTHING
THAT HAPPENS.

AND HE HASN'T PLAYED CHESS
WITH HIM FOR YEARS.

AH. WHAT'S IN THIS ?

I DON'T KNOW, ALUM ?
DON'T EAT IT.
[ Spitting ]

WELCOME TO THE SUBURBS.
YEAH.

WHERE ARE THOSE BAND-AIDS ?
UPSTAIRS.

SHOW ME.

WOW.

THAT'S NICE.
YEAH.

IT'S MY MOTHER-IN-LAW'S.
EVERY TIME I PASS IT,
I FEEL HER EYES ON ME.

YOU WANT IT ?

DO I WANT IT ?

THIS IS CHAGALL, RIGHT ?

THIS IS A REAL CHAGALL.
YEAH.

IT REALLY PISSES ME OFF.

- SORRY ?
- YOU GOT SOMETHING LIKE THIS
HANGING ON YOUR WALL...

AND YOU DON'T EVEN
FUCKIN' APPRECIATE IT.

PROBABLY 'CAUSE YOU NEVER
WORKED A DAY IN YOUR LIFE.

THAT'S NOT TRUE.

WE HAD OUR OWN BUSINESS ONCE.
WE OWNED A RESTAURANT.

AN ITALIAN RESTAURANT.

'COURSE, I WOULD HAVE
PREFERRED FRENCH, BUT ANYWAY,

IT FAILED EVENTUALLY--
WHAT ARE WE,
GIRLFRIENDS HERE ?

DO I GIVE A SHIT
ABOUT THIS ?

NO. LET'S MOVE.

[ Radio ]
CLOUDY SKIES, DRIZZLE--

- YOU WANNA GO FOR COFFEE ?
- LOOK, KID, I GOTTA GET
HOME TO MY FAMILY.

THIS IS MY LAST JOB.

OH, COME ON.
IT CAN'T BE THAT BAD.

LOOK. CAN YOU JUST DRIVE ME
AROUND THE BLOCK A LITTLE ?

I'LL GIVE YOU ANOTHER FIFTY.

WELL, IT'S YOUR MONEY, PAL.

[ Children Yelling ]
[ George ] WHO'S BEEN NAUGHTY
AND WHO'S BEEN NICE ?

HERE WE ARE ! HEY, HEY !
I GOT ONE FOR JOHNNY HERE !

AND HERE'S ONE FOR BILL.
AND FOR KAREN.

AND HERE'S
A BEAUTIFUL LOOKING--
IT'S SO COLD OUT TONIGHT.

- DO YOU THINK SANTA WOULD
LIKE SOMETHING TO EAT ?
- [ George ] SANTA'S HUNGRY !

- [ Boy ] LET'S GIVE HIM
SOME COOKIES !
- COOKIES.

SANTA, HAVE A COOKIE !
OVER HERE !

MERRY CHRISTMAS, SANTA.
[ Laughing ]
UH-HUH.

- [ Boy ] THE COOKIES ARE GOOD !
- ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY,
TUCK IN ! LET'S EAT, HUH ?

HERE, SANTA !
ENOUGH WITH
THE COOKIES, KIDS !

YOU TWO WERE GONE
AN AWFULLY LONG TIME.

I GOT US MOVED TO
A MORE COMFORTABLE PLACE.

WHAT DID YOU HAVE
TO DO FOR IT,
DRESS HIS WOUNDS ?

OH, THAT'S RIGHT, LLOYD.
WE'RE HAVING AN AFFAIR.

HE WANTS TO RUN AWAY TO
ACAPULCO. HE TIED ME UP
IN CASE I HAD SECOND THOUGHTS.

NO ONE GOES
TO ACAPULCO ANYMORE.

OUR SON'S WALKING
IN HERE ANY MINUTE.
WHY DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT THAT ?

LOOK, IF WE JUST COOPERATE,
I'M SURE HE WON'T HURT HIM.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING ?

I THINK WE CAN GET OUT OF THESE.
OH, MOVE YOUR BODY !

STOP THAT !
WHAT IF HE WALKS
IN HERE ?

WE'LL JUST SAY WE'RE
BEING... AFFECTIONATE.

TIED UP,
WITH AN ARMED MAN
IN THE HOUSE ?

WORKS FOR ME.

JUST REACH DOWN AND TOUCH
THAT CLIPPERY THING.
LISTEN TO ME.

I CANNOT MOVE MY ARM.

OH ! OH, OH !
STOP IT !
WHAT'S THAT ?

IT'S NOTHING.

IT DOESN'T
FEEL LIKE NOTHING.

JUST THE FRICTION.
[ Chuckling ]

STOP IT.

[ Groaning ]

[ Chuckling ]

LLOYD, YOU ANIMAL.

HAVEN'T YOU LEFT YET ?

- DID YA HEAR
THE FUCKIN' PHONE RING ?
- LOOK, WHAT ABOUT OUR SON ?

WELL, GUESS IT'S
GONNA BE A REAL CHASSER
FAMILY PICNIC, HUH ?

THAT'S CHASSEUR.
IT'S 18th-CENTURY
FRENCH HUGUENOT.

GOT ANY EXTRA CORD ?
NO, WE DON'T HAVE
ANY EXTRA CORD.

OKAY. GUESS WE'RE GONNA
HAVE TO ECONOMIZE, HUH ?

[ Horns Honking ]
MOVE UP !

BRING 'EM ON UP.

KEEP IT MOVING.
KEEP MOVING.

YOU, SIR. WHOA. WHOA.

MAY I SEE SOME
IDENTIFICATION, PLEASE ?
CERTAINLY, SIR.

HOW CAN THEY DO THIS
ON CHRISTMAS EVE ?
THERE IS A CRIMINAL AT LARGE.

THEY CAN'T STOP
FOR THE HOLIDAYS.

MAYBE THEY'LL LET HIM GO
IN THE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS.

THAT IS NOT
THE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS.

THE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS IS
EITHER YOU'RE GOOD, OR YOU'RE
PUNISHED AND YOU BURN IN HELL.

- WHO WOULD CATCH A CRIMINAL
AND THEN LET HIM GO FREE ?
- REPUBLICANS ?

[ Policeman ]
HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS.

[ Caroline Sighing ]

WHY DON'T YOU
JUST GIVE YOURSELF UP ?

WHAT'D YOU SAY ?
WELL, YOU'RE NOT GOING
TO KILL AN ENTIRE FAMILY.

IT'S OVER.
I MEAN, YOU'RE NOT THE TYPE.
YOU'RE A THIEF, NOT A KILLER.

THAT'S OBVIOUS.

I HATE GUYS LIKE YOU,
YOU KNOW ?

WITH YOUR JEEP GRAND CHEROKEES
AND YOUR NICARAGUAN MAIDS
AND YOUR PING ZING GOLF CLUBS,

EVERY GODDAMN THING IN THE WORLD
HANDED TO YOU. WHAT FUCKIN'
PURPOSE DO YOU PEOPLE SERVE ?

YOU'RE A CRIMINAL.
WHAT PURPOSE COULD YOU SERVE ?

FUCK YOU, LLOYD.
I WORK FOR A LIVING, OKAY ?

I HAVE A SKILL.
I'M IN THE GAME, PAL.

WHAT DO YOU DO EXCEPT
TAKE UP FUCKIN' SPACE ?

IF YOU'RE SO SKILLED,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING STUCK HERE ?

I CAN BREAK INTO ANY HOUSE,
TAKE WHATEVER I WANT;
IN AND OUT, TEN MINUTES.

NO PRINTS, NO EVIDENCE,
NOTHING.

IF WHAT'S-HIS-NAME
HADN'T INSTALLED THAT FUCKIN'
ROADRUNNER BOOBY TRAP,

- I'D BE IN JAMAICA BY NOW.
- MMM, I'M IMPRESSED.

NO, YOU PEOPLE DON'T
GET IMPRESSED, DO YA ?

LIFE JUST BORES THE SHIT
OUT OF YOU PEOPLE. I'M SORRY.

WE DON'T ALL HAVE RICH
MUMMIES AND DADDIES
WE CAN LIVE OFF OF...

OR OPEN RESTAURANTS
WHEN WE GET BORED
PLAYING TENNIS.

YOU TOLD HIM
ABOUT THE RESTAURANT ?

YEAH. I HEARD YOU COULDN'T
CUT IT WORKING FOR A LIVING,
MR. BROOKS BROTHERS, SO--

SHUT UP !

YOU AND MY WIFE
HAVE A LOT IN COMMON.

YOU BOTH THINK YOU HAVE SOME
RIGHT TO LIFE WORKING OUT
THE WAY YOU WANT,

AND IF IT DOESN'T, YOU GET
TO ACT ANY WAY YOU WANT.

THE PROBLEM IS SOMEONE
HAS TO BE RESPONSIBLE.

I'D LOVE TO RUN AROUND
TAKING CLASSES AND PLAYING
WITH MY INNER-SELFNESS.

I'D LOVE THE FREEDOM
TO BE A PISSED-OFF CRIMINAL
WITHOUT ANY RESPONSIBILITY,

EXCEPT I DON'T HAVE THE TIME !

BUT YOU DON'T SEE ME WITH A GUN.

YOU DON'T SEE ME SLEEPING
WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

YOU THINK MY LIFE
TURNED OUT THE WAY I WANTED
BECAUSE I LIVE IN THIS HOUSE ?

YOU THINK EVERY TIME I LOOK
IN THE MIRROR I SHOUT,
"GEE, I'M GLAD I'M ME...

"AND NOT SOME 19-YEAR-OLD
BILLIONAIRE ROCK STAR WITH
THE BODY OF AN ATHLETE...

AND A 24-HOUR ERECTION" ?
NO, I DON'T ! SO JUST
EXCUSE THE SHIT OUT OF ME !

[ Door Closes ]
OH, GOD !

SHH.

NICE AND QUIET.

[ Footsteps ]

[ Footsteps ]

ARE YOU GUYS DECENT ?
[ Knocking ]

HELLO ?

HEY.
JESSE !

JESSE.
WHO ARE YOU ?
HEY ! WATCH IT !

YOU GUYS OKAY ?
HANDS BEHIND YOUR BACK.

WAIT A SECOND.
YOU'RE THE GUY WHO--
SHUT UP !

THIS ISN'T YOUR M.O.
YOU ONLY KNOCK OVER ESTATES.

BUT HOSTAGES ?
THAT'S A NO-WIN SITUATION.
YOU TOO, HUH ?

YOU KNOW WHAT THIS FAMILY
NEEDS ? A MUTE.

LET ME SAY IT ONE MORE TIME.
I HAVE A GUN. IT'S LOADED.
SHUT UP. OKAY ?

YES, BUT WE HAVE PEOPLE
COMING FOR DINNER.

- THEY'RE DRIVING FROM BOSTON.
YOU GONNA TIE US ALL UP ?
- FIVE EXTRA PEOPLE.

DINNER'S CANCELED.
WE CAN'T CANCEL DINNER.
I MEAN, THEY'RE ON THE ROAD.

[ Lloyd ] THEY'LL BE HERE
BY 9:00.
SHOULD I SHOOT ONE
OF YOU IN THE FOOT ?

LISTEN. IF THE POLICE
HAVE A CURFEW, THEY MIGHT
DO HOUSE-TO-HOUSE SEARCHES.

- YOU CAN'T STAY HERE.
- THAT WOULD BE
VERY BAD FOR YOU.

REALLY.
I CAN'T LEAVE UNTIL
MY PARTNER CALLS.

HOW DO YOU KNOW HE'LL CALL ?
HE'LL CALL.
HE BETTER FUCKIN' CALL.

[ Sniffing ]
I SWEAR TO GOD,
IF HE DOESN'T CALL--

WHAT SMELLS LIKE PISS ?

UP AGAINST THE BED.

MAYBE I COULD
SELL TICKETS. NO, NO.

LET'S SEE. NO, NO. THE--
THE POINT IS, IN ORDER
TO GET THIS ROBE--

YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER
SEEN THIS MOVIE
ALL THE WAY THROUGH.

DON'T YOU LIVE
IN THIS COUNTRY ?
THEY
SHOW IT DURING THE HOLIDAYS.

WITH THE KIDS AND
THE FAMILY, I'VE NEVER
SEEN THE WHOLE THING.

THE COLOR OF YOUR JACKET.
IT'S CHARCOAL.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT
YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, LIEUTENANT.

YEAH, MERRY CHRISTMAS.
WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU
TWO GOING ? STAY HERE.

DID YOU HAVE TO SAY
"MERRY CHRISTMAS" ?
THAT'S THE WAY I WAS BROUGHT UP.

- PUSH REWIND.
- UH... IS THIS IT ?

NO, THAT'S FAST-FORWARD.
THIS IS IT.

GIVE ME THAT.

WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO SEE
HAS TO BE KEPT WITHIN
THE CONFINES OF THIS ROOM.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND ?

- WAIT A MINUTE ! THAT'S--
- SHH !

IT'S OLD MAN WILLARD'S
PLACE !
SHH !

[ Sirens Blaring ]
[ Electronic Voice ]
BURGLARY ! BURGLARY !

- BURGLARY ! BURGLARY !
- [ Phone Ringing ]

- NOW LISTEN UP. WE'RE
GONNA FIND THIS GUY.
- PRECINCT.

WATCH IT A FEW MORE TIMES.
THEN I'LL ORGANIZE
SPECIFIC TEAMS,

EACH WITH A SPECIFIC
GEOGRAPHIC LOCATION.

LIEUTENANT.
SOME COUNTY PROSECUTOR GUY ?

I'LL TAKE IT IN MY OFFICE.

NOBODY LEAVES.
YEAH, HE'LL BE
RIGHT WITH YOU.

OKAY, I'LL PUT YOU
ON HOLD. THANK YOU.

WOW !
YEAH.

- SHOULD WE WATCH IT AGAIN ?
- I THINK WE SHOULD JUST
WAIT 'TIL HUFF GETS BACK.

WELL, WHILE WE'RE WAITING--

I THINK THIS IS IT.

NO ! IT'S THIS ONE.

NOW, YOU LISTEN TO ME !

I DON'T WANT ANY PLASTICS
AND I DON'T WANT
ANY GROUND FLOORS,

AND I DON'T WANT TO GET
MARRIED EVER TO ANYONE !
DO YOU UNDERSTAND ?

HEY ! WHO ARE YOU ?

I'M MURRAY.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ?

IS THIS YOUR BOAT ?

[ Caroline ]
THAT WAS QUITE AN OUTBURST.
I SHOULD TIE YOU UP MORE OFTEN.

[ Sighs ]

LISTEN.
ABOUT THE RESTAURANT,
I DIDN'T SAY--

HOW DID YOU
GET HOME AGAIN ?

I GOT A RIDE
WITH A FRIEND.
WHICH FRIEND ?

WHICH FRIEND ?
DO I KNOW HIM ?

ALL RIGHT,
I TOOK A LIMO, OKAY ?

WHERE'D YOU GET
THE MONEY FOR A LIMO ?

- OKAY, I STOLE ONE.
IS THAT BETTER ?
- LISTEN, SMART-MOUTH,

IF YOU WOULD ANSWER
A SIMPLE QUESTION--
DON'T TALK TO HIM LIKE THAT !

YOU'VE NEVER DISCIPLINED HIM !
IF YOU HAD NOT SENT HIM
TO THAT PRISON--

[ Humming ]

- I WENT THERE.
- FOR A SUMMER. I GO FOR
MY ENTIRE HIGH SCHOOL LIFE.

YOU WERE SENT THERE BECAUSE
HIGH SCHOOLS WOULDN'T
ENROLL YOU ANYMORE.

AYE AYE AYE AYE AYE AYE !
[ Making Noises ]

IT'S NOBODY'S FAULT.
FEEL BETTER--
THAT'S IT !

WHAT THE HELL
IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE ?
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE A FAMILY.

HOW CAN YOU TALK
TO EACH OTHER LIKE THAT ?

WHY DON'T YOU GO ON OPRAH
AND GET IT OVER WITH ?
CHRIST !

WHAT'S THE QUICKEST WAY
TO THE DOCKS ?
BAINBRIDGE.

YOU TAKE MAIN STREET
AND YOU TURN LEFT
ON DOMINO SQUARE.

YOU CAN'T. DOMINO SQUARE
IS A ONE-WAY STREET.

BAINBRIDGE IS THE ONLY
TWO-WAY STREET TO THE DOCKS.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NEVER
GETTIN' OUT OF HERE.

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE
THE HIGHWAY ? IT'S QUICKER !
NOT THE WAY YOU DRIVE !

WE DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME.
PAY ATTENTION TO ANY
DISTINGUISHING FEATURES.

NOW, YOU LISTEN TO ME !
I DON'T WANT ANY PLASTICS AND
I DON'T WANT ANY GROUND FLOORS.

YOU UNDERSTAND THAT ?
[ Tape Rewinding ]

THIS-- THIS--

I DON'T-- I--

I DON'T WANT ANY PLASTICS--
LT. HUFF !

I BELIEVE
YOU HAVE SOME EVIDENCE
IN YOUR POSSESSION...

BELONGS TO THE COUNTY
PROSECUTOR'S OFFICE.

[ TV ]
...DO WHAT I WANT TO DO.
AND YOU'RE-- AND YOU'RE--

MARY !
GEORGE ! GEORGE !

[ TV ] I'M WORTH MORE
DEAD THAN ALIVE.
UNBELIEVABLE.

NO SENSE OF TIME.

NEVER AGAIN. NEVER AGAIN !

EXCUSE ME. THOSE DOLLS
ARE MY MOTHER'S. SHE'S BEEN
COLLECTING THEM FOR YEARS.

COULD YOU BE MORE CAREFUL
WITH THEM ?
I'M SORRY.

IF HE DOESN'T CALL,
YOU'RE DEAD IN THE WATER.
JESSE, BE QUIET.

LISTEN TO YOUR FATHER, KID.
I'M ONLY
STATING THE OBVIOUS.

WHAT IS IT,
20 MINUTES 'TIL CURFEW ?

AND I HEARD ON THE RADIO
THEY FOUND A SKI MASK
ON THE SCENE.

ANYONE GET
A GOOD LOOK AT YOU ?

[ Newscaster ]
TO RESIDENTS OF OLD BAYBROOK,

JEREMIAH WILLARD IS KNOWN
AS THE AMUSEMENT PARK KING,

AN ECCENTRIC KNOWN
FOR HIS LOVE OF ANIMALS
AND GENEROUS CONTRIBUTIONS.

WE NOW GO TO THE WILLARD MANSION
AND TO OUR ON-THE-SCENE REPORTER
MIKE MICHAELS. MIKE ?

THANKS. OLD BAYBROOK
RESIDENTS WILL BE COMPETING
FOR TOP DOLLARS...

BEFORE TONIGHT'S CURFEW
GOES INTO EFFECT.

REPRESENTATIVES OF
JEREMIAH WILLARD
HAVE CONFIRMED...

THE REWARD
IS NOW $200,000.

THIS MAY TURN OUT TO BE
A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS
FOR SOME LUCKY FAMILY.

BACK TO YOU, KAREN.

I'M IN HELL.

CONNECTICUT IS
THE FIFTH RING OF HELL.
[ Alarm Beeping ]

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ?

OW !

JESUS !

[ Beeping Continues ]

- OH !
- [ Lloyd ] WHAT HAPPENED ?

- STAY WHERE YOU ARE !
UNTIE MY PARENTS NOW !
- [ Lloyd ] JESSE !

KID, WHAT'RE YOU DOIN' ?

I MEAN IT !
UNTIE MY PARENTS.
JESSE !

- JESSE, PHONE THE POLICE.
- PUT THE GUN DOWN.
- SHUT UP.

GET BACK ON YOUR KNEES
OR I'LL SHOOT !

YOU WILL ?
I WILL ! I'LL--
I'LL SHOOT YOU !

'CAUSE I'M GONNA KEEP WALKIN'.
CAN YOU GET TO THAT PHONE
BEFORE I GET TO YOU ?

- JESSE, PUT THE GUN DOWN.
- [ Telephone Ringing ]

NO ! NO ! UNH !

[ Gunshot ]
[ Caroline Screams ]

[ Ringing Continues ]

** [ Horns ]
[ Ringing Continues ]

HELLO ?
CAROLINE ?

IT'S CONNIE. LISTEN,
WE GOT A LITTLE HELD UP.
OH, HI.

WE'LL BE THERE
IN 20 MINUTES.

I HOPE THAT DINNER
ISN'T RUINED.

OH, WELL... BYE.
OKAY, BYE.

ALL RIGHT, GET IN THE CAR !

GREAT. LOOKS LIKE
THERE'S GONNA BE
ONE MORE FOR DINNER, HUH ?

**

* I'LL HAVE
A BLUE CHRISTMAS-- *

[ Phone Rings ]

SISKEL.
[ Woman ]
HONEY, WHEN ARE YOU
COMING HOME ?

YOUR PARENTS ARE HERE.
THE CHILDREN
ARE ASKING FOR YOU.

I'M SORRY, STELLA.
I HAD SOME LAST-MINUTE
WORK TO DO.

UH, I'LL GET THERE
AS SOON AS I CAN, OKAY ?
TELL THE KIDS I LOVE 'EM.

OKAY, PLEASE HURRY.
OKAY, BYE.

* DECORATIONS OF RED

* ON A GREEN
CHRISTMAS TREE **

LOOK, YOU'RE MAKING
A MISTAKE. I COULD
HELP YOU OUT, YOU KNOW.

I GOT $11,000 CASH--
HEY ! HEY ! HEY !

IT'S BEEN A LONG, BAD DAY.

I'D RATHER BE IN IRAQ
THAN IN THIS FUCKIN' HOUSE.

SO DO ME A FAVOR,
DO YOURSELF A FAVOR,
CUT THE SHIT.

OKAY ?
I'M NOT. IT'S THE TRUTH.

I GOT A BLACKMAIL
DEAL GOING IN SCHOOL--
BLACKMAIL ?

WHAT ARE WE, A BUCK TEN ?
YOU'RE DOING BLACKMAIL
ON PEOPLE ?

YEAH. I NEEDED SOME BIG MONEY
FAST. I WAS DESPERATE.
I WANTED TO GET OUT OF HERE.

DESPERATE ABOUT WHAT ?
LET'S SEE.

I GOT TWO YEARS, FOUR MONTHS
LEFT IN MILITARY SCHOOL.

MY PARENTS HATE EACH OTHER.
MY FATHER RECORDS
EVERY MISTAKE IN MY LIFE...

LIKE HE'S PREPARING FOR
MY PAROLE HEARING. I DON'T
GET TO DO ANYTHING BY MYSELF.

AND I LIVE IN THE SUBURBS.
YOU FIGURE IT OUT.

SO WHERE YOU GONNA GO ?
HUH ?

I DON'T KNOW.
WHERE DO YOU GO ?

WHERE DO I GO ?

WELL--
[ Clears Throat ]

I USUALLY END UP IN JAMAICA
WITH THIS FRIEND OF MINE,
JIMMY MARLO.

HE STEALS APPLIANCES
OFF OF TRUCKS.

WE GET THE MONEY BACK
FROM THE FENCE,

WHICH IS ABOUT HALF WHAT
THE STUFF'S REALLY WORTH,

SPEND ALL THE MONEY, COME HOME,
START ALL OVER AGAIN.

'COURSE, THIS TIME WAS SUPPOSED
TO BE THE BIG FINAL SCORE.

YOU KNOW,
THE BIG RETIREMENT SCORE.

WHY YOU QUITTING NOW ?
YOU GOT A GREAT LIFE.

LET ME EXPLAIN
SOMETHING TO YA, KID.

WHAT I DO, RUNNIN' AROUND
STEALIN' SHIT,

THAT MAY SOUND GREAT
WHEN YOU'RE 15 YEARS OLD,

BUT IT SUCKS JUST A LITTLE BIT
WHEN YOU'RE 35,

NO FAMILY, NO HOUSE.

I GOT A PARTNER WHO'S 56.
HE'S AN ALCOHOLIC.

HE STILL CAN'T FIGURE OUT
WHY THEY TOOK HAPPY DAYS
OFF THE AIR.

THEN ON TV EVERY DAY,
I SEE KIDS LIKE YOU
ON THESE TALK SHOWS.

YOU GOT EVERYTHING,
OPPORTUNITIES UP THE ASS.

YOU GOT A FAMILY
TO COME HOME TO,
AND WHAT DO YOU DO ?

YOU BITCH AND MOAN BECAUSE
THINGS DON'T GO YOUR WAY.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT ?
WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD,
WHERE MOST OF THE TIME...

THINGS DON'T GO
YOUR FUCKIN' WAY.

EASY FOR YOU TO SAY.
EVERYTHING GOES YOUR WAY.

GREAT. YOU KNOW WHAT ?

I THINK I HAD YOU
PEGGED WRONG.

I DON'T THINK
YOU HAVE A BRAIN
IN YOUR FUCKIN' HEAD.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

NOW, WE DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME.
RULES OF THE HOUSE.

NO TELEPHONE
EXCEPT FOR THE KITCHEN.
NO TELEVISION.

NOBODY ON THE SECOND FLOOR,
IN CASE YOUR SON MAKES NOISE.

I WANT YOU IN FRONT OF ME
AT ALL TIMES.

NO ARGUING. WHEN YOU FIGHT,
YOU FORGET EVERYTHING ELSE.

JUST BEHAVE AND PAY ATTENTION,
OR I TAKE YOUR SON WITH ME.

NOW, TELL ME
ABOUT THIS DOCTOR GUY.

I RECEIVED A CALL
FROM WILL WARREN,
THE COUNTY PROSECUTOR.

HAPPENS TO BE
A CLOSE FRIEND OF MINE.

IN SPITE OF YOUR BUNGLING,
HE'S CONFIDENT THEY'LL
FIND OUR THIEF...

IN THOSE HOUSE-TO-HOUSE
SEARCHES DURING CURFEW.

ANOTHER THING. HE SAID,
UH, YOUR MEN ARE TO ASSIST
AND REPORT TO ME...

AS PER HIS INSTRUCTIONS.

YOU CAN CALL IF YOU'D LIKE.
UM, LET'S SEE,
ONE OTHER THING--

OH, YES, YOUR CHRISTMAS
WISH CAME TRUE.

[ Laughing ]
YOU'RE TO BE OUT OF HERE
THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS.

ISN'T THAT A LOVELY NOEL ?
IT'S BEEN SWELL.

BOB.
YES.

- I NAILED YOUR WIFE.
- WHAT ?

AFTER THE TOWN MEETING
LAST AUGUST.

YOU WERE IN RHODE ISLAND
ON BUSINESS.

THREE TIMES, BOB.

SHE SAID YOU NEVER
WENT THREE TIMES, BOB.

[ Knocking ]

- MERRY CHRISTMAS, LLOYD !
- PHIL, STEVE, MERRY CHRISTMAS.

ARE YOU GUYS
WORKING TONIGHT ?
MM-HMM.

THEY'RE STARTING
THAT CURFEW TONIGHT,
AND THIS IS OUR AREA.

THOUGHT WE MIGHT
SAY HI TO GARY.

- IS HE HERE YET ?
- GARY.

WHO'S GARY ?
HE'S MY BROTHER-IN-LAW.

THEY ALL GREW UP TOGETHER.
GREAT.

IS THAT CAROLINE ?
I'D LOVE TO SAY HELLO !
I'D LOVE TO SEE CAROLINE.

YOU KNOW, YOUR WIFE ?
OF COURSE IT IS.
WHAT AM I DOING ?

SHE'S UPSTAIRS.
SHE'S CHANG-- YOU WANT
A CUP OF COFFEE ?

COME ON IN.
IN THE KITCHEN.
OH, YEAH.

MAYBE A PIECE
OF PUMPKIN PIE OR SOMETHING ?
OH, UH--

[ Lloyd ] WERE YOU GUYS
HERE LAST YEAR ?
YEAH, THERE WAS A RUM CAKE.

YOU GUYS MAKE
GREAT COFFEE.
YEAH, IT WAS FANTASTIC.

YOU GUYS HELP YOURSELVES.
I'LL GO GET CAROLINE, SO--

UNH !
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ?

IT WOULD HAVE CAUSED
SUSPICION TO SAY NO.
YOU NEVER ADMIT YOU'RE WRONG.

FINALLY SOMEBODY SAYS IT
BESIDES ME.
THERE WAS NO ALTERNATIVE.

I COULD HAVE BEEN
IN THE SHOWER.

SHE COULD HAVE BEEN
WRAPPING PRESENTS.
WHAT IS THIS, A LYING SEMINAR ?

YOU MADE A NOISE.
I WAS DISTRACTED.
HE WAS DISTRACTED.

[ Grunting ]

[ Steve ]
NO, I'M NOT BUYING WINE
FOR YOUR BROTHER.

HE CAN SUCK ON A GRAPE,
MARGE. FORGET IT.

[ Marge ]
WHAT ABOUT THE BREAKFAST ?

OKAY, I'LL GET THE MILK
AND THE DOUGHNUTS.
THERE YOU GO.

MM-HMM. YE-- MARGE,
HOLD ON. THEY GOT
ANOTHER CALL COMIN' IN.

YES, I'LL TALK
TO YOU LATER. HELLO.

UH, GUSSIE ?

NO, THIS IS LT. MILFORD.
TO WHOM AM I SPEAKING ?

- UH--
- OOH, HE HUNG UP.

- [ Phil ] WHO WAS IT ?
- I DON'T KNOW. HUNG UP.

- PROBABLY A WRONG NUMBER.
- CRANK CALL.

YEAH, KIDS.
THAT'S IT.

- SO... OOH, IT'S LATE.
- WHEN DO YOU THINK GAR
MIGHT BE GETTIN' HERE ?

WELL, MAYBE
WHAT YOU SHOULD DO
IS GO AND, UM...

WHEN GARY COMES,
I'LL GET HIM TO CALL YOU
AT THE OFFICE.

BECAUSE CHRISTMAS EVE,
YOU'RE SO BUSY, AND I--
[ Phone Rings ]

OH, I'LL GET IT.
THAT'S IT.
THANK YOU. HELLO ?

HELLO. UH,
ARE YOU FEELING BETTER ?

WHO GIVES A RAT'S ASS
HOW I FEEL ? WHERE'S GUSSIE ?

I'LL GET HIM.
BACK IN A MINUTE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE
I'M WORKING TONIGHT.

I KNOW. SOME GUY ROBBIN'
PEOPLE ON CHRISTMAS EVE ?

IT'S NOT RIGHT.
IT'S NOT RIGHT.

WE'LL GET HIM THOUGH.
WE GOT EVERY COP AND
HIS BROTHER LOOKIN' FOR HIM.

- CHRISTMAS EVE, IT'S--
- MURRAY.

HE HUNG UP.
WELL, HE SOUNDED UPSET.

HE SHOULD BE.
HE'S GONNA DIE
A HORRIBLE FUCKIN' DEATH.

[ Connie ] CAROLINE !

OH ! SPEAKING OF WHICH--

[ Sighs ]
SO, GARY AND CONNIE
AND THE KIDS.

[ Gary, Connie ]
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
GAR !

STEVE ! PHIL !
OH, MERRY
CHRISTMAS, GAR !

MOM ?
MERRY CHRISTMAS.

MOM, THE TV'S BROKE.
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO ALL NIGHT ?

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
CELEBRATE THE BIRTH
OF CHRIST !

NOW, PUT THE PRESENTS
UNDER THE TREE.
CONNIE, HONEY,

LOOK WHO DROPPED BY.
[ Both ]
MERRY CHRISTMAS, CONNIE.

[ Chuckling ]
I'LL TAKE THAT BAG
UPSTAIRS.

[ Mother ]
I'LL TAKE IT.
I WANT TO CHANGE MY SHOES.

MOM, HI.
LLOYD,
WHO IS THIS ?

MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
WHO IS THIS ?

[ Lloyd ]
THIS IS THE DOCTOR
WE WERE TELLING YOU ABOUT.

DOCTOR... WONG.

AH, THE MARRIAGE DOCTOR.

RIGHT.
YEAH.

WONG ?
YOU'RE A WONG ?

WELL, MY MOTHER
WAS IRISH.
AND YOUR FATHER ?

WASN'T.
WHY DON'T WE GO
DOWNSTAIRS ?

I WANT TO CHANGE MY SHOES.
[ Lloyd ]
YOUR SHOES ARE LOVELY.

MY FEET HURT.
TAKE 'EM OFF.
GO BAREFOOT.

A BOHEMIAN CHRISTMAS !
I'M UP FOR THAT !
WHAT THE HELL...

IS WRONG WITH YOU ?
WHY DO YOU GET STRANGE
AT FAMILY GATHERINGS ?

IT'S NOT ME, MOM.
IT'S CAROLINE.

SHE'S A LITTLE NERVOUS
ABOUT THE DINNER.

MAYBE YOU COULD GO
TELL HER WHAT YOU THINK.
YOU KNOW, GIVE HER A HAND.

YOU KNOW WHAT
A BAD COOK SHE IS.

OH. ALL RIGHT.

AREN'T YOU GOING
TO TAKE MY BAG UP ?
LATER.

WELL, I'LL TAKE IT.
NO, NO.
I'LL GO, I'LL GO.

I JUST WANTED TO BE
CLOSE TO YOU.

HE, UH--
HE LOVES YOU SO VERY MUCH.

[ Phone Ringing ]

CAROLINE, COULD YOU
COME UP HERE FOR A MINUTE ?

I THOUGHT YOU NEEDED HELP.
YES, WELL, EVERYTHING'S
IN THE DINING ROOM--

WHY DON'T YOU
LIGHT THE CANDLES ?
THAT'D BE GOOD.

BITCH.
BITCH.

[ Ringing ]

HELLO ?
WHERE'S GUS ?

- MURRAY ?
- HOW DO I KNOW
THIS IS GUSSIE ?

BECAUSE THE NEXT TIME I SEE YOU
I'M GONNA TEAR ALL THE HAIR
OUT OF YOUR BALLS ONE BY ONE,

YOU FUCKING MULE.
HOW'S THAT ?

[ Murray Laughing ]
KID, I GOT GOOD NEWS.
YEAH ?

A FRIEND OF MINE'S
GOT A BOAT.
A FRIEND ?

NOBODY LIKES YOU.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT, "FRIEND" ?

IT'S SOMEBODY I JUST MET,
AND WE KIND OF HIT IT OFF.
I THINK SHE REALLY LIKES ME.

SHE ? SHE ?
MURRAY, I'VE BEEN
IN THIS HOUSE ALL NIGHT...

WONDERING IF I'M GONNA GET
BUSTED OR NOT AND YOU'VE
BEEN FUCKIN' DATING ?

IS THAT IT, MURRAY ?
CALM DOWN. IT'S
THE BEST I COULD DO.

LISTEN, SHE'S A NICE WOMAN.
AND SHE'S JUST...
[ Gus Laughing ]

SKIPPED PAROLE
FROM NEW JERSEY.
AN EX-CON ?

YEAH.
YEAH, THAT'S GREAT.
THAT'S JUST GREAT.

HOW DO YOU KNOW SHE'S
NOT GONNA TURN US IN ?
SHE WOULDN'T.

SHE CAN'T AFFORD TO.
IF SHE DID, SHE'D BE BACK IN
THE SLAMMER BEFORE SHE KNEW IT.

HONEST.
SHE'S LEGIT.

BUT THERE'S JUST ONE
LITTLE PROBLEM.

WHAT ? CHILDREN ?
NO.

THE BOAT NEEDS...
A LITTLE WORK.

[ Laughing ]

[ Snorts, Sighs ]

[ Laughing ]

[ Sighing, Sniffs ]

[ Chuckling ]

[ Inhales, Sighs ]

HELLO ?

HELLO.

- HOW LONG ?
- HOUR, HOUR AND A HALF.

HOUR.
OKAY.

YOU HAVE AN HOUR.
OKAY.
HOUR.

BYE-BYE.
ALL RIGHT, BYE-BYE.

LAST CHECK.
THREE OR FOUR MINUTES AWAY.
PROCEED TO THE NEXT HOUSE.

ISN'T THIS EXCITING ?
I'M SURE GLAD I GOT A CHANCE
TO SEE SANTA WHILE HE WAS HERE.

[ Chuckling ]
AND SANTA'S WOULD LIKE
TO TOAST YOU ALL...

FOR ANSWERING
THE CALL OF DUTY...

ON THE HOLIEST OF NIGHTS.
EVERYONE, GRAB A GLASS.

YOU TOO. GRAB A GLASS.
COME ON, COME ON.
GRAB A GLASS.

EVERYONE, COME ON.
SANTA DOESN'T DRINK
CHAMPAGNE.

SANTA DRINKS MILK.

LOOK, SANTA CAN'T DRINK
ANY MORE MILK TONIGHT.

SANTA HAS A LACTOSE
INTOLERANCE.

IT GIVES HIM
HORRIBLE GAS PAINS.

YOU WANT TO SEE SANTA FARTING
DOWN EVERYONE'S CHIMNEY ?

[ Santa Laughing ]
MERRY CHRISTMAS !

[ Others ]
MERRY CHRISTMAS.

AH !

[ Caroline ]
WHAT WE'RE HAVING...

IS A TRADITIONAL
SCANDINAVIAN CHRISTMAS FEAST.

WE HAVE ROAST SUCKLING PIG,

FRESH BAKED KRINGLORS
WITH A HONEY PECAN
DIPPING SAUCE,

SEVEN-DAY-OLD LUTEFISK
AND LAMB GOOKINS.

WHAT YOU'RE WEARING ON
YOUR HEADS ARE CALLED
LUCIA WREATHS.

THEY'RE WORN IN HONOR
OF SAINT LUCIA,

A BRAVE AND NOBLE WOMAN
I ADMIRE VERY MUCH.

A WOMAN WHOSE BELIEFS
WERE SO STRONG,

THEY RENDERED
HER INFLAMMABLE.

AS THE STORY GOES,

LUCIA WAS ENGAGED
TO BE MARRIED...

AND INSTEAD
OF GIVING HER DOWRY
TO HER IN-LAWS,

SHE GAVE IT
TO THE POOR PEOPLE
OF THE VILLAGE.

HER HUSBAND-TO-BE,
THINKING SHE WAS
OUT OF HER MIND,

BETRAYED HER TO THE ROMANS
AS A CHRISTIAN,

AND THEY CONDEMNED HER
TO BURN AT THE STAKE.

BUT ALTHOUGH SHE WAS
SURROUNDED BY FLAMES,

SHE WOULD NOT BURN.

AND THEY HAD TO STAB HER
WITH A SWORD.

MY GOD. IS THIS
A CHRISTMAS STORY ?

WHO CARES.
MY FOREHEAD IS BLISTERING.

I THINK IT'S COOL,
AUNT CAROLINE.
THANK YOU.

OKAY, DIG IN, EVERYBODY.
DON'T BE SHY.

EVERYTHING LOOKS GREAT,
HONEY.
THANK YOU, SWEETHEART.

[ Clears Throat
To Disguise Spitting ]

FROM WHAT SCHOOL
ARE YOU TRAINED,
DR. WONG ? FREUD ?

UH, NAH. I DON'T GO IN
FOR THAT DREAM STUFF.
REALLY ?

YOU DON'T THINK
PATIENTS SHOULD
EXAMINE THEIR DREAMS ?

WELL, I JUST DON'T THINK
THEY SHOULD BOTHER OTHER
PEOPLE WITH THEM.

I MEAN, WHAT KIND OF A LOSER
ACTUALLY THINKS ANYBODY ELSE
IS INTERESTED ?

YOU MUST HAVE MET A GREAT MANY
STRANGE AND DISTURBED PEOPLE.

MY LINE OF WORK,
YOU MEET SOME REAL WACKOS.

YOU CALL YOUR PATIENTS
"WACKOS" ?

YEAH, THEY--
THEY LIKE IT.

WELL, IT SEEMS THAT
THIS THERAPY IS WORKING.

I'VE NEVER SEEN THESE TWO
SO AGREEABLE TOGETHER.

- WHAT THE HELL AM I EATING ?
- OH, THAT'S A PARSNIP KRINGLOR.

THEY DATE BACK
TO THE FOURTH CENTURY.
THAT'S WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

- [ Mother ] WHERE'S YOUR SON ?
- UH, HE'S SPENDING THE NIGHT
WITH A FRIEND.

- ON CHRISTMAS EVE ?
- I THINK IT'S VERY STRANGE.

WELL--
WELL, HE--

UH, ACTUALLY,
THAT WAS, UH, MY IDEA.

BECAUSE, UH, WHEN ONE
IS CONSTRUCTING...

HIGHWAYS OF COMMUNICATION...

BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE,
IT'S SOMETIMES
A GOOD IDEA TO, UH,

CLEAR THE ROAD AND SLOWLY
INTRODUCE EXIT SIGNS.

THAT'S FUNNY.

I HEARD SOMETHING
VERY SIMILAR ON OPRAH
LAST WEEK.

I ASSUME THAT
AS YOU'VE BUILT...

HIGHWAYS
OF COMMUNICATION,

YOU HAVE DISCUSSED
CAROLINE'S ADULTERY.

WHAT ?

YOU TOLD YOUR MOTHER ?

[ Mother ]
AND WHY NOT ?
HE WAS VERY UPSET,

AND HE NEEDED SOMEONE
HE COULD TRUST TO TALK TO.

TELL ME SOMETHING,
IN YOUR PROFESSIONAL OPINION,

SHOULD THESE TWO
BE MARRIED ?
MOTHER.

[ Gus ]
CAROLINE.

IS THAT PART OF
THE TREATMENT TOO ?
SHE CAN'T LEAVE ?

YES, DR. WONG,
WHY DON'T YOU TELL US
ALL ABOUT YOUR TREATMENT.

IN DETAIL.
IT'LL BE SO... FASCINATING.

[ Chuckles ]

WELL, IT'S A, UH,

COMPLEX WEB...
[ Clears Throat ]

OF COMPLICATIONS,

WHICH, UH,
NEED TO BE WEAVED...

AND, UH, WOVEN
INTO A, UH, QUILT...

OF SOME KIND.
[ Sighs ]

IT'S REALLY EXPENSIVE TREATMENT.
I CAN TELL YOU THAT MUCH.
COSTS A HELL OF A LOT OF MONEY.

MMM, THESE LAMB COOSINS
ARE GREAT, SWEETHEART.

THEY'RE GOOKINS,
NOT COOSINS, HONEY.

[ Mother ]
WHERE I WAS BORN, DR. WONG,

LIFE AND MARRIAGE
WAS LESS COMPLICATED.

MY MARRIAGE WAS ARRANGED,
IN FACT.

MY HUSBAND LIVED
IN THE NEXT TOWN...

AND OUR PARENTS
WANTED TO JOIN FARMS.

REALLY.
WHAT KIND OF FARMS ?

PIGS.

CAROLINE,
COULD I HAVE THE WINE ?

IT'S ALL FINISHED.
WE HAVE TO GET ANOTHER BOTTLE.

[ Mother ]
WHERE ARE YOU ALL GOING ?

I GOTTA STAY WITH THEM
TO, UH, WEAVE THE, UH--

UH...
OW !

JUST SHUT UP AND EAT
YOUR GODDAMN DINNERS.

YOU WON'T TALK ABOUT IT
IN THERAPY, BUT YOU'LL
DISCUSS IT BEHIND MY BACK...

WITH THAT BITCH !
HEY, SHE'S MOTHER.

SHE'S A FUCKIN'
BITCH, LLOYD.
YOU ARE NOT
SUPPOSED TO TAKE SIDES.

NO, NO, NO.
THANK YOU SO MUCH, GUS.
FINALLY SOMEBODY ELSE SEES.

YOU'D HAVE TO BE
BLIND NOT TO SEE.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

LET'S JUST GET IN THERE
AND CHANGE THE SUBJECT.
OH, FINE.

WHY DIDN'T WE JUST
CHANGE THE SUBJECT
BEFORE I WAS HUMILIATED ?

THAT'S IT, LLOYD.
WE ARE GETTING A DIVORCE.

I'VE, YOU KNOW--
THIS IS FINISHED.

NOW GET THE HELL HOME, GEORGE,
BEFORE WE CALL YOUR WIFE.

HONESTLY, GEORGE.
WHAT AN EXAMPLE.

SANTA WAS
MEAN TO ME.

I'M SERIOUS, GEORGE.
YEAH ?

MAYBE SANTA WON'T
COME BACK NEXT YEAR.

MAYBE HIM
AND THE EASTER BUNNY...

WILL TAKE A FUCKIN' CRUISE
TO JAMAICA,

AND YOU CAN EAT
YOUR OWN LOUSY COOKIES.

[ Unzips Fly ]

[ Urinating,
Sighing ]

OH, WHO THE HELL KNOWS,
HUH ? OW !

I WAS PREGNANT
WITH JESSE THEN.

WE LIVED
IN THE MOST...
WONDERFUL...

ONE-BEDROOM
APARTMENT.

YOU SEE, LLOYD,

NEVER TOOK ANY MONEY
FROM HIS FAMILY THEN.

I FOUND THAT
SO ATTRACTIVE.

AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED ?

DON'T ENCOURAGE HER, MARY.
NO ONE WANTS TO LISTEN
TO HER MISERY.

LLOYD WAS WORKING
AS AN ASSISTANT BANQUET
MANAGER AT THE SHERATON.

[ Chuckles ]

WE'D MAKE LOVE IN THE MORNINGS
BECAUSE HE WAS, YOU KNOW--
CAROLINE,

WHY DON'T YOU
EAT SOMETHING.

LLOYD, WHY DON'T YOU EAT ME.

[ Gasps ]
KIDS, GO INTO THE DEN.

IT ALL TURNED TO SHIT...
[ Connie ] THIS IS NOT
A CONVERSATION FOR CHILDREN.

IT'S NOT A CONVERSATION
FOR ADULTS EITHER.
WHEN LLOYD'S FATHER DIED.

WHERE YOU GOING ?
THE LIVING ROOM, TO LEAVE
YOU TO YOUR QUILTING.

[ Caroline ]
SHE BRIBED LLOYD TO MOVE BACK--
I'LL BE THERE TO OPEN PRESENTS.

IF MY PLANS CHANGE,
I'LL CONTACT YOU.

I HATE CONNECTICUT.
I GREW UP IN CONNECTICUT.
WHY DON'T WE ALL...

GO INTO THE LIVING ROOM.
THEN WE CAN HAVE OUR COFFEE
AND DESSERT IN THERE.

- YOU PHONY BASTARD !
- CAROLINE, SHUT UP !

LET'S ALL GO
TO THE BATHROOM--
SIT DOWN, CONNIE. SIT.

EXCUSE ME, BUT I AM NOT
ONE OF YOUR PATIENTS.

YOU'RE GONNA BE SOMEBODY'S
PATIENT IF YOU DON'T GET YOUR
ASS BACK DOWN INTO THAT CHAIR.

WOW. OW !

I SWEAR TO GOD,
YOU HIT THAT KID ONE MORE TIME,

AND I'M GONNA STICK THAT
PIG'S HEAD RIGHT UP YOUR ASS !

GARY, ARE YOU GONNA LET HIM
TALK TO ME LIKE THAT ?

WELL, HON,
HE IS A DOCTOR.
[ Laughing ]

OKAY NOW, CAROLINE, LLOYD
AND I WILL GO INTO THE KITCHEN
AND GET THE COFFEE AND DESSERT.

AND THEN WE'RE GONNA
OPEN THE PRESENTS.
WE CAN'T OPEN...

PRESENTS
UNTIL MIDNIGHT.
WHY NOT ?

BECAUSE IT'S NOT CHRISTMAS
UNTIL MIDNIGHT !
GUESS WHAT.

WE'RE CHANGING THE RULES
A LITTLE BIT, OKAY ? WE'RE
GONNA OPEN UP THE PRESENTS NOW.

NOT LATER, NOW. WHY ?
BECAUSE WE'RE ADULTS...

AND WE CAN OPEN THE PRESENTS
WHENEVER WE WANT !

[ Snickering ]
LET'S GO.

[ Caroline Groaning ]
[ Mother ]
WHY ISN'T MY PORTRAIT...

OVER THE FIREPLACE ?

HAVE SOME COFFEE.
GO TO HELL,
MAMA'S BOY !

CAROLINE, GET A GRIP.
OR WHAT ? WHAT ARE YOU
GONNA DO ? SHOOT ME ?

[ Laughing ]
YOU THINK DEATH
SCARES ME ?

YOU FORGET, BUDDY.
I HAVE BEEN MARRIED
TO HI FOR 15 YEARS.

YOU FORGET
I HAVE YOUR SON UPSTAIRS.

[ Sighs ]
GOD.

[ Sighs ]

HERE WE GO.
HOW'S THAT, MOM ? GOOD ?
MARY, THIS ONE'S YOURS.

JOHN, THIS IS TO YOU
FROM ME AND DAD.

WHAT'S THAT,
AUNT CAROLINE ?
IT'S AN ORANGE...

MARZIPAN CAKE WITH
CREME DE MENTHE
AND LIME ZEST.

OH, SOUNDS TOO SWEET.
THEN DON'T EAT IT.

COFFEE ?

IS IT REAL COFFEE
OR SOME SCANDINAVIAN
CHRISTMAS POTION ?

HOW ABOUT SOME MUSIC ?
HOW ABOUT SOME
NAT KING COLE ?

- OH, GARY LOVES NAT KING COLE.
- [ Caroline ] GEE, YOU KNOW
EACH OTHER SO WELL.

OKAY, NAT KING COLE IT IS.

OH. GARY,
THIS IS FOR YOU.
OH, THANK YOU.

**
OH. THIS IS FOR JESSE.

UH, WE'LL JUST PUT THAT
IN A PILE RIGHT OVER HERE.

DO YOU LIKE IT, MARY ?

* CHESTNUTS ROASTING
ON AN OPEN FIRE *

YEAH, IT'S, UH...
REAL NEAT.

SLIPPER SOCKS !
OH, I HAVE WANTED THESE
FOR SO LONG.

THANK YOU, MOTHER ROSE.
KIDS, LOOK WHAT MOM GOT.

[ Quietly ] YOU KNOW, WITH ALL
HER MONEY, WHAT DOES SHE THINK ?
SHE'S GONNA TAKE IT WITH HER ?

I THINK THAT'S THE PLAN.
* FOLKS DRESSED UP
LIKE ESKIMOS *

OH, CAROLINE,
THIS IS FOR YOU FROM LLOYD.

- * EVERYBODY KNOWS
- [ Cracks A Nut ]

* A TURKEY AND SOME
MISTLETOE *
LLOYD ?

SHOULD I STOP HANDING OUT
THE PRESENTS ?

MAYBE SOME OF US
ARE NOT IN THE MOOD ?

CAROLINE ?

YOU SEE, DR. WONG,
YOU CAN USE ANY
TREATMENT YOU LIKE,

AND IT WON'T DO
A BIT OF GOOD.

THE SIMPLE TRUTH IS,

THAT SHE'S A NASTY,
SELFISH WOMAN WHO THINKS
ONLY OF HERSELF.

SHE HAS RUINED MY SON'S LIFE.
I CAN ATTEST TO THAT.

HE HAS ENDURED
SUCH HEARTACHE.
LADY...

WHY DON'T YOU
JUST SLEEP WITH HIM.
LET US ALL OFF THE HOOK.

- SHIT.
- [ Lloyd ] CAROLINE,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING ?

WHAT'S THE POINT ?
YOU'VE MADE YOUR DECISION.

WHAT DECISION ?

CAROLINE'S LEAVING ME.

WE'RE GETTING
A DIVORCE.

* AND SO I'M OFFERING

* THIS SIMPLE PHRASE
WHY ?

* TO KIDS FROM ONE--

GARY, THIS IS TO YOU
FROM ME.
THANK YOU, BUNNY.

OH, THANKS,
MOTHER ROSE.
I BOUGHT YOU
THE HUSKY SIZE, JOHN.

YOU MUSTN'T LET YOUR WEIGHT
BECOME A PROBLEM.

HE DOES NOT HAVE
A WEIGHT PROBLEM.

OH. ISN'T THAT NICE.

THANK YOU, CONNIE AND GARY
AND MARY AND JOHN.

[ Whispering ]
MOM, THIS IS OUR GIFT.

IT'S TO PUT IN THE BANK.
IT'S ANOTHER PAYMENT
ON THE LOAN.

OH, THANK YOU, LLOYD.

OF COURSE, WE'LL HAVE TO SEE
WHAT HAPPENS WITH INTEREST RATES
IN THE NEW YEAR.

COCKSUCKER.

- WHAT DID SHE SAY ?
- SHE SAID, "COCKSU--"

YOU'VE BEEN SUCKING US DRY
FOR YEARS ON THIS LOAN.

HEY, CAROLINE.
NO, I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY.

YOU GOTTA PROBLEM
WITH THAT ?
NOPE.

DON'T YOU THINK
IT'S GONE ON LONG ENOUGH ?

YOU BOTH BORROWED MONEY TO OPEN
THAT RIDICULOUS RESTAURANT,

WHICH I TOLD YOU BOTH
WOULD NEVER WORK.

WELL, IT MIGHT HAVE WORKED
IF YOU COULD HAVE TAKEN
YOUR TENTACLES OFF OF HIM.

- CAROLINE, STOP IT.
- IF YOU REMEMBER, CAROLINE,

MY HUSBAND HAS JUST DIED.
I WAS ALL ALONE.

AND I HAD
TO HAVE SURGERY.
PLASTIC SURGERY.

IT WAS NECESSARY.
IT WAS NOTHING MORE...

THAN NEEDING TO KEEP
YOUR SON'S ATTENTION ON YOU.

MANIPULATING HIM
TO OPEN THAT STORE !
YOU WERE PRACTICALLY DESTITUTE !

I GAVE HIM A REAL JOB.

I LET YOU USE MY HOME
OUT OF THE GOODNESS
OF MY HEART.

YOU'RE CHARGING US RENT, ROSE.

WHAT KIND OF THERAPY
IS THIS ?
COME ON, NOW,

THIS IS GETTING
A LITTLE UGLY HERE.

YEAH, WE WALK AROUND
ON TIPTOES BECAUSE...

MOTHER MIGHT GET UPSET
OR MOTHER MIGHT GET ANGRY.

AND WHY ?
LET'S BE HONEST.

SHE HAS MONEY, AND SHE
HOLDS IT OVER ALL OF US
LIKE A DEATH SENTENCE.

I'M HAPPY TO GIVE
MY CHILDREN EVERYTHING.

THAT'S THE PROBLEM !

ONE SON WHO CAN'T
SAY BOO TO HIS WIFE...

AND THE OTHER ONE,
THE OTHER ONE--
HE JUST GIVES UP.

ONE BAD REVIEW
IN ONE LOUSY MAGAZINE.

- YOU JUST GIVE UP.
- NOW JUST A MINUTE.
STOP RIGHT THERE.

IN THE FIRST PLACE,
IT WASN'T "ONE BAD REVIEW
IN ONE LOUSY MAGAZINE."

- IT WAS THE RESTAURANT
GUIDEBOOK OF NEW YORK.
- OH, GOD.

AND WHEN THE RESTAURANT
GUIDEBOOK RECOMMENDS YOU...

TO HINDUS LOOKING FOR
A FUN NIGHT OUT OF FASTING,

WHAT DID YOU EXPECT ME TO DO,
CHANGE THE MENU ?

- YOU CLOSE THE RESTAURANT.
- NO, YOU CLOSE THE RESTAURANT.
OTHER PEOPLE TRY AGAIN.

BUT, YOU SEE,
EVERYTHING ALWAYS CAME
SO DAMN EASY FOR YOU.

BUT THE FIRST TIME THAT
YOU TRIED SOMETHING...

THAT WAS REALLY IMPORTANT
TO YOU, TO US,

AND IT DIDN'T WORK OUT,
WHAT DID YOU DO ?

YOU RAN HOME TO MOM.
AND THEN YOU BUILD THIS WALL...

AROUND YOURSELF,
SHUTTING ME OUT,
SHUTTING JESSE OUT...

WITH YOUR CYNICISM
AND YOUR DERISION !

AND YOU CALL THAT
BEING RESPONSIBLE !

WELL, I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS.
I DON'T CARE IF I WIND UP...

A TRUCK STOP WAITRESS
WITH PLATINUM HAIR
AND PINEAPPLE EARRINGS !

AT LEAST I'D BE ALIVE.
BE BETTER THAN LIVING
WITH A CORPSE.

BEFORE YOU, UH,
GET ON WITH YOUR CAREER
IN THE SERVICE INDUSTRY,

LET'S SET
THE RECORD STRAIGHT.

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT YOU LEAVING
WITH ANY MISUNDERSTANDINGS.

MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.

MAYBE I WAS AFRAID.

MAYBE I CAN'T...
TAKE FAILURE.

THAT'S PROBABLY TRUE.

AND MAYBE IT'S
BECAUSE THE DECISION
WAS ALL UP TO ME.

IT WAS ALWAYS ALL UP TO ME.

YOU WERE SO AFRAID
OF BEING WRONG,
YOU NEVER MADE A CHOICE.

AT LEAST YOU MADE IT
LOOK THAT WAY.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN ?

IF YOU RECALL, MY FIRST RESPONSE
TO MY MOTHER'S OFFER TO LIVE
HERE WAS ABSOLUTELY NOT.

LIE.
ABSOLUTELY NOT.
YOU THINK ABOUT IT.

WE WERE SITTING IN OUR BEDROOM
ON 78th STREET.

WE WERE SMOKING A JOINT
AND LISTENING TO AL GREEN.

AND I SAID, "ABSOLUTELY NOT."
[ Connie ]
I'M SORRY,

BUT I HAVE HAD ENOUGH !

I HAVE NEVER HEARD
OF SUCH A CHRISTMAS !

SEX AND DRUGS A-A-AND
WOMEN BEING SET ON FIRE !

I AM TAKING MY CHILDREN
UPSTAIRS RIGHT NOW.
CONNIE, THAT'S IT.

SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP. OKAY ?
SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP.
COME ON, KIDS,

-WE'RE GOING UPSTAIRS. GARY ?
-I THINK THIS IS MORE IMPORTANT.

- WELL, I THINK THIS IS SICK !
- CONNIE, HONEY, RIGHT NOW
NOBODY CARES WHAT YOU THINK.

- YOU HAVE NOT DEFENDED ME
ONCE THIS ENTIRE EVENING !
- TELL HER TO SIT DOWN.

[ All Arguing ]

JUST SIT DOWN AND
GIVE THESE PEOPLE...

A LITTLE SPACE
TO WORK OUT THEIR--

EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME,
EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME !
[ Glass Shattering ]

IF YOU DON'T MIND,
THE CORPSE STILL HAS THE FLOOR.
[ Poker Hits Floor ]

I TOLD YOU WHAT MOVING HERE
COULD MEAN, BUT YOU WERE THE ONE
WHO SAID WE SHOULD CONSIDER IT.

NOT THE ACTUAL MOVING,
JUST THE CONSIDERING.

THE ACTUAL MOVING-IN PART
WAS LEFT TO ME. WHY ?

BECAUSE YOU
DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
YOU WERE CONFUSED.

YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHAT
WAS THE RIGHT THING.

BUT YOU WERE SURE AS HELL
SICK AND TIRED OF LIVING...

IN A ONE-BEDROOM APARTMENT
IN NEW YORK CITY.

SO DON'T HAND ME THAT
"IT WAS THE BEST OF TIMES"
BULLSHIT !

YOU DIDN'T WANT TO WORK
ANYMORE, AND YOU DIDN'T WANT
ANY HELP WITH THE BABY...

BECAUSE YOU WANTED
TO DO IT ALL BY YOURSELF.

AND YOU HATED NEW YORK...

BECAUSE WE WEREN'T
AS RICH AS YOUR COLLEGE
FRIENDS WERE TO ENJOY IT.

WE COULDN'T AFFORD
A BIGGER PLACE...

AND YOU WERE MISERABLE
BEING AROUND PEOPLE
WHO COULD.

AND... WE WERE
UP TO OUR EARS IN DEBT.

BUT MOVING HERE
WAS MY DECISION.

RIGHT ! AND THE LOAN
WAS SAME SITUATION--

WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES
ANY OF THIS MAKE NOW ?
YOU'RE GETTING A DIVORCE.

- MOTHER.
- WHAT ?

IS IT POSSIBLE FOR YOU
TO SHUT THE FUCK UP
FOR TEN SECONDS ?

LLOYD, DON'T TALK TO ME
LIKE THAT IN MY OWN HOUSE.

YOU KNOW WHAT, MOM ?
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA
GET YOU NEXT CHRISTMAS ?

A BIG WOODEN CROSS.

SO EVERY TIME YOU
FEEL UNAPPRECIATED
FOR ALL YOUR SACRIFICES,

YOU CAN CLIMB ON UP
AND NAIL YOURSELF TO IT.

GARY, GET MY BAGS.

I'M LEAVING.
[ Connie ]
OH !

GO GET THEM YOURSELF !
HE'S NOT YOUR ERRAND BOY !

HAS EVERYONE GONE NUTS ?
WHO THE HELL DO YOU
THINK YOU ARE ?

SLIPPER SOCKS, MEDIUM !

- [ Doorbell Rings ]
- HEY !

THE ARMY ? WHAT THE FUCK ?
WHAT AM I ? OSWALD, HERE ?

HEY ! HEY ! HEY !

HEY, HEY, NO.

HEY, COME ON.
COME ON, WILL YA ?

OOH !

[ Muffled Grunting ]
OKAY, OKAY.

IS THIS PART
OF THE THERAPY ?
[ Doorbell Rings ]

NOW, I WANT EVERYBODY
INTO THE DEN OR I'M
GONNA SHOOT HER.

- GO AHEAD, SHOOT HER.
- SHUT UP !

GET IN THE DEN !
[ Growling ]

[ Doorbell Rings ]

[ Caroline ]
HI.

[ Man ] MR. AND MRS. CHASSEUR,
I'M SORRY TO DISTURB YOU
DURING THE HOLIDAYS.

I'M LIEUTENANT SISKEL
FROM THE ACADEMY.

IS THERE
SOME TROUBLE ?

YES, YES, AND I COULDN'T
IN GOOD CONSCIENCE LET IT
WAIT ANY LONGER.

[ Lloyd ]
DOES IT INVOLVE JESSE ?

[ Siskel ]
IT DOES. UH, JESSE
IS A VERY CLEVER...

AND ENTERPRISING
YOUNG BUSINESSMAN.

HE CURRENTLY HAS
SEVERAL PHOTOGRAPHS OF ME.

[ Lloyd ]
OH, MY LORD.
[ Groaning ]

HEY, HEY, KID.
KID, THAT'S ENOUGH.

YOU SURE
THIS WILL HOLD ?
YEAH.

[ Chuckles ]
I KNEW...

YOU WEREN'T A DOCTOR.
I KNEW IT.

YOU'LL NEVER GET AWAY,
YOU KNOW. YOU'LL EITHER
BE CAPTURED OR KILLED.

ONE LESS WORTHLESS MAN AROUND.
ONE LESS BURDEN TO SOCIETY.

UN-FUCKIN'-BELIEVABLE.

I'VE SURVIVED
WORSE THAN YOU.

WORLD WARS, OLD AGE,
MARRIAGE AND WEAK MEN
LIKE YOU.

MEN WHO DON'T HAVE
THE GUTS TO SURVIVE
IN THE REAL WORLD.

MEN WHO ARE JUST SCARED LITTLE
BOYS INTIMIDATING EVERYONE
WITH THEIR AGGRESSIVENESS...

BECAUSE THEY'RE AFRAID
THE WORLD WILL FIND OUT...

HOW SMALL THEIR PENISES ARE.

YOU KNOW, LADY, I'D LIKE
TO TIE YOU TO THE BACK
OF A FUCKIN' TRUCK.

YOU DON'T HAVE THE BALLS.

NO, NO ! DON'T.
IT'S NOT WORTH IT.
I JUST WANT TO HIT HER.

I FUCKIN' HATE HER, LLOYD.
I KNOW.
I KNOW.

MARY,
GAG YOUR GRANDMA.

[ Whimpers ]
[ Gus ] WHAT THE FUCK
IS WRONG WITH YOU ?

I THOUGHT MOMS WERE
SUPPOSED TO BE NICE...

AND SWEET
AN-AN-AND PATIENT.

I KNOW LOAN SHARKS THAT ARE
MORE FORGIVING THAN YOU.

YOUR HUSBAND AIN'T DEAD,
LADY, HE'S HIDING.

[ Thumping Upstairs ]

LET'S GO.

SHIT.

- WOW.
- OH, HONEY.

IS SISKEL STILL HERE ?

[ Lloyd ]
NO.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, DAD ?
TURN ME IN ?

MAY I ASK YOU
JUST ONE QUESTION ?

IS THERE SOMETHING THAT
WE DON'T GIVE YOU ? WHAT DO
YOU NEED ALL THAT MONEY FOR ?

DRUGS ?
WHAT ?
NO !

MORE VIDEO GAMES ?
WHAT MORE CAN WE BUY YOU ?
LLOYD, NO, STOP IT !

THAT'S IT, THAT'S IT.

GUS, I'M GOING WITH YOU.
I'LL GIVE YOU A CUT.
WHAT ?

WE CAN MAKE IT
TO THE DOCKS ON FOOT.
WE CAN TAKE A SHORTCUT.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
SLOW DOWN, SLOW DOWN.

YOU GOTTA TAKE ME
WITH YOU. I HAVE
NO OTHER OPTION.

- I CAN'T STAY HERE.
- WHAT AM I ? THE FUCKIN'
CIRCUS ? TAKE YOU WITH ME ?

BUT COME ON !
NO, FORGET IT.
FORGET IT.

JUST FORGET IT,
OKAY ?

DON'T START RUNNING, KID.
ONCE YOU START, YOU NEVER STOP.
BELIEVE ME.

FINE.
FINE, BE THAT WAY.

I'LL JUST GO
BY MYSELF THEN.

OH, PLEASE, JESSE, LOOK.
GIVE US ANOTHER--

OH, JESSE.
WE SCREWED UP, NOT YOU. OH !
[ Doorbell Rings ]

[ Sighs ]
SHIT. WHO IS THAT ?

LOOK, I PROMISE YOU,
WE'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS.

WE'LL FIX EVERYTHING.
NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS
BETWEEN ME AND YOUR FATHER--

-YOU'RE SPLITTING UP ?
-THAT'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM, HONEY.

HEY, I'M IN THIS FAMILY TOO,
YOU KNOW.

EVERY TIME YOU GUYS YELL
AND SCREAM AT EACH OTHER,
IT IS MY PROBLEM, MOM.

- CAROLINE, LET'S GO.
- ONE SECOND.

OKAY, A LOT'S HAPPENED
BETWEEN ME AND LLOYD.

WE'VE MADE A LOT OF MISTAKES.
YOU GOT CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE.

DO YOU HATE EACH OTHER ?

[ Doorbell
Continues Ringing ]

NO.
THEN YOU'RE
STAYING TOGETHER.

- CAROLINE, COME ON. LET'S GO.
- OH, JUST WAIT ! PLEASE !

I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOUR FATHER WANTS.

WHAT DO YOU WANT ?

CAROLINE.
CAROLINE, COME ON.

WE'LL TALK
ABOUT THIS LATER, OKAY ?
JUST STAY HERE, PLEASE.

WE'LL BE BACK SOON.
WHAT ABOUT SISKEL ?

WE'LL FIX IT, HONEY.
WE'LL GIVE HIM THE MONEY,
THE PHOTOS, ANYTHING.

JUST... STAY RIGHT THERE.

HEY !

YOU KNOW SOMETHING ?

LLOYD, CAROLINE,

EVERY YEAR WE GIVE YOU
A FRUITCAKE FOR CHRISTMAS...
DIDN'T YOU LOCK THE DOOR ?

AND YOU DON'T GIVE US
A GODDAMN THING.

MY WIFE THINKS
IT'S BECAUSE--

HEY, YOU HAD A GUN,
DIDN'T YOU ?

ME ?
YES, YOU DID.
YOU DID.

YOU HAD A GUN.
I SAW IT.
NO.

HEY, YOU'RE THE GUY.
YOU'RE THE GUY, AREN'T YA ?
OKAY, PAL.

WHAT, ARE YOU
PULLING A GUN ON ME ?
I'M NOT AFRAID OF YOU.

- JUST CALM DOWN, ALL RIGHT ?
- YOU THINK YOU CAN TAKE ME ?

I'M SANTA CLAUS.
[ Shouting ]

- [ Gasping ]
- [ Santa Hits Floor ]

GREAT.
I JUST BEAT UP SANTA CLAUS.

[ Siren Wailing ]

GUYS, THE COPS ARE HERE.
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO ?

CENTRAL, CRUISER 252.
PANELLA SPEAKING.

I'M AT THE CHASSEUR HOUSE.
OVER.

WE GOTTA GET YOU OUTTA HERE.
BUT I CAN'T JUST LEAVE.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE I'M GOIN'.

JUST KEEP PRETENDING
LIKE YOU'RE DR. WONG.
THEN YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO.

THERE'S FIVE PEOPLE TIED UP
IN THE BACK ROOM, COME ON.
THEN WE CAN HIDE YOU.

WE CAN HIDE YOU ANYWHERE.
I KNOW THIS PLACE.
THERE'S SEARCH TEAMS.

THEY SEARCH UNTIL THEY FIND
WHAT THEY'RE LOOKING FOR.
IT'S A BAD IDEA.

NO, IT'S A GOOD IDEA.
THERE'S THE MUD ROOM,
THE TRAP DOOR IN THE MUD ROOM.

WE'LL PUT YOU IN THERE.
IT'LL BE PERFECT.
NO, NO, NO.

OR THE TRUNK OF THE BEAMER.
THE TRUNK OF THE BEAMER'S
A GOOD PLACE.
NO, NO.

[ Siren Wailing ]
OH, I KNOW, THE HOPE CHEST !
WE'LL PUT YOU IN THE HOPE CHEST.

I CAN PRETEND I'VE LOST THE KEY.
FORGET ABOUT IT !
NO, NO, NO !

[ Gus ]
WHAT ABOUT THE BASEMENT ?
IS THERE A TUNNEL OR A HOLE ?

PATH THROUGH THE WOODS !

JESSE, QUICK, TAKE GUS
TO THE PATH THROUGH THE WOODS.

YOU SAID YOU KNOW A SHORTCUT
TO THE DOCKS, RIGHT ?

YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE
THAT CAN TAKE HIM.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANT
US TO DO ? TURN HIM IN ?

I CAN'T SPEND MY WHOLE LIFE
SENDING EVERYBODY I CARE ABOUT
TO PRISON.

GO ON.

OKAY, DAD.
COME ON, GUS.
LET'S GET OUTTA HERE.

[ Lloyd ]
AND BE CAREFUL.

ALL RIGHT, GO, GO, GO.
WE'LL STALL THE COPS.
[ George Groaning ]

IF I WERE A SENATOR--
[ Groaning ]

HOW MANY MORE AFTER THIS ?
SIXTEEN.

GEEZ.
419, WE'RE OVER
AT SEABURY COURT. OVER.

419, DISPATCH.
YEAH, WE'RE STARTING
CANVASSING--

[ Knocking ]
STATE POLICE !

THERE'S GOT TO BE SOMEONE
HOME WITH ALL THESE LIGHTS
AND THAT CAR IN THE DRIVEWAY.

AH, GEEZ.
WE GOT A LIVE ONE.

I NEED SOME PEOPLE TO SURROUND
THIS HOUSE RIGHT NOW.

EDDIE, GET YOUR MEN IN HERE !
HIT IT !

[ Muffled Talking ]

OH, MY GOD !
THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE !
YOU'VE GOT TO HURRY !

YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE NIGHTMARE
I'VE BEEN THROUGH !
HE LEFT AN HOUR AGO.

HE WENT TO AN AIRPORT IN
HARTFO-- WOULD YOU SHUT UP ?
THE ENTIRE NIGHT--

I'M TRYING TO GIVE THEM
IMPORTANT INFORMATION. HE WENT
TO AN AIRPORT IN HARTFORD.

OH, I SUPPOSE
YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE
WHO'S BEEN TIED UP ALL NIGHT.

I DIDN'T SAY THAT.
WHAT IS THIS ?
A MEN'S CLUB ?

EXCUSE ME !
ARE THERE ANY OTHER
HOSTAGES IN THE HOUSE ?

NO.
NO.

OH, KID.
AH, JESUS.
COME ON, GUS.

THERE'S NO BETTER
ROUTE THAN THIS
WITH LESS SNOW ?

NO, THIS IS IT.
THIS IS THE BEST ROUTE.

THIS IS THE BEST ROUTE ?
WE'LL BE THERE IN NO TIME.
COME ON !

I MIGHT NEED A WHEELCHAIR,
I'M TELLING YOU, KID.

I DISTINCTLY HEARD HIM
SAY THAT HE WAS HEADED TO
A SMALL AIRPORT IN HARTFORD.

AND FROM THERE
HE WAS TAKING A PRIVATE
PLANE TO VANCOUVER.

[ Caroline ]
NO, NO, IT WAS NOT VANCOUVER.
WHAT'S GOING ON ?

[ Lloyd ]
YES, IT WAS VANCOUVER.
WE'RE WORKING ON IT.

HE WAS ON THE PHONE,
AND HE SAID YUGOSLAVIA.
YUGOSLAVIA !

THERE IS NO YUGOSLAVIA ANYMORE.
AND WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND
WOULD GO THERE ?

- HE'S NOT IN HIS RIGHT MIND !
- ALL RIGHT !

- OH, UH, SORRY.
- SORRY.

WOULD YOU LIKE US
TO COME DOWNTOWN AND
GIVE OUR STATEMENT ?

- [ Both ] NO !
- WE'D BE WILLING TO DO THAT.

NO, NO, NO, NO.
THANKS ANYWAY.
HEY, MERRY CHRISTMAS.

THANK YOU.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

OH. WELL,
IF YOU'RE SURE.
BYE. BYE-BYE.

GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.

[ Jesse ] DOCKS ARE DOWN
THE STREET ON YOUR LEFT.
[ Siren Blares ]

HEY, GEORGE ! THE CURFEW !
GO HOME ! GET OFF THE STREETS !

HOME, GEORGE,
HOME.

GUESS I OUGHT TO BE
GETTING HOME NOW.

GOOD IDEA.

YOU KNOW, I THINK
THINGS ARE GONNA BE
DIFFERENT WITH DAD.

IF THEY'RE NOT,
I'LL BLACKMAIL HIM.
SEE YA, GUS.

TAKE IT EASY.

CHRIST.

I'M NEVER HAVING KIDS.

SO DO YOU THINK
WE SHOULD GO UNTIE
EVERYBODY ?

NO.
WE SHOULD UNWRAP THEM
IN THE MORNING.

IT'LL BE MORE FESTIVE.
[ Laughing ]

SO WHAT ABOUT JESSE ?

WELL, SISKEL SAID IF WE
GIVE HIM BACK THE PICTURES
HE WON'T PRESS CHARGES.

NO, NO, I, UM--
I MEAN ABOUT US.

WHAT DO WE TELL HIM
ABOUT US ?

OH, CARRIE.

SORRY, BUT GRANDMA'S
EATING THROUGH HER GAG.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING ?
YOU ARE A PIECE OF WORK, PAL.

I TELL YOU TO GET A BOAT,
AND THIS IS WHAT YOU GET ?
GET OUT OF THE FUCKIN' WAY.

UH, GUSSIE ?
WHAT ?

WHEN ARE WE GONNA
OPEN PRESENTS ?
PRESENTS ?

IS THAT WHAT YOU SAID ?
PRESENTS ? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

AS SOON AS WE GET BACK,
WE'RE GONNA OPEN THE PRESENTS.
MATTER OF FACT, I'LL TELL YA.

I'LL SAVE YOU THE TROUBLE.
YOUR PRESENT IS A GIANT,
FUCKIN' CANNON, OKAY ?

AND WHEN WE GET BACK, YOU'RE
GONNA CRAWL INTO IT, OKAY ?

I'M GONNA PUT TWO POUNDS
OF GUNPOWDER IN THERE,
I'M GONNA LIGHT IT UP...

AND I'M GONNA SHOOT YOU RIGHT
OUT INTO FUCKIN' JERSEY, OKAY ?

AND THEN I'M GONNA STEAL A CAR
AND DRIVE TO JERSEY AND PICK UP
ALL THE LITTLE FUCKIN' PIECES...

OF YOUR BODY,
PUT 'EM IN A BIG PLASTIC BAG,
BRING IT BACK TO MY HOUSE,

PUT 'EM IN THE FIREPLACE, LIGHT
'EM ON FIRE. I'M GONNA SIT
THERE WITH A GLASS OF WHISKEY...

AND WATCH THE CHARLIE BROWN
SPECIAL WITH YOUR ASHES HEATIN'
MY FUCKIN' HOUSE ! OH !

[ Sniffing ]
GUS ?
WHAT ?

WHAT'S
THAT SMELL ?
SHUT UP.

* LIFE KEEPS ME WAITING

* AGAINST MY WILL

* BELIEVE IT OR NOT

* I KNOW MY OWN MIND

* DON'T GOT NO SPARK

* DON'T GOT NO WILL

* I'M WEARY

* NOTHING HOLDS ME

* ETERNALLY SEEKING

* THROUGH THE WINDOWS OF PAIN

* DON'T GOT NO SPARK

* DON'T GOT NO WILL

* I'M WEARY

* DON'T HAVE THE ANSWER *

* WHY

* CAN'T WE GET OUR LIVES
TOGETHER *

* HOW

* CAN WE STOP HURTING
EACH OTHER *

* PRAY

* TO GOD THAT YOU CAN GO

* STAY

* OUTSIDE THIS BROKEN CIRCLE

* LOSING YOUR

* DREAMS

* WE ALL MUST SACRIFICE

* WE PAY THE PRICE
WE PAY THE PRICE *

* ASHES TO ASHES

* WE ALL FALL DOWN

* IT'S TIME FOR US
TO CLOSE THIS CIRCLE *

* CAN WE GET UP OFF
OF THE GROUND *

* WHY

* CAN'T WE GET OUR LIVES
TOGETHER *

* AND HOW

* CAN WE START
TO MAKE IT BETTER *

* LOVING YOU IS KILLING ME

* LOVING YOU IS KILLING ME

* LOVING YOU IS KILLING ME

* LOVING YOU IS KILLING ME

* LIVE

* THE OTHER LIFE
WE SHOULD HAVE LIVED *

* GIVE

* ALL THE LOVE
WE NEVER, EVER DID *

* DREAMS

* WE ALL MUST SACRIFICE

* ASHES TO ASHES

* WHY

* CAN'T WE GET OUR LIVES
TOGETHER *

* AND HOW

* CAN WE STOP HURTING *