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1
00:00:57,720 --> 00:01:00,371
(ANNIE READING)
2
00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:04,804
Do you remember the first time
your husband saw you naked?
3
00:01:07,640 --> 00:01:09,210
Do you remember
what it felt like?
4
00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:12,085
Do you remember
what he felt like?
5
00:01:12,160 --> 00:01:14,891
- Holy motherfuckin' fuck!
- Oh, my God!
6
00:01:14,960 --> 00:01:17,008
- Holy fuck!
- Oh, my God!
7
00:01:17,400 --> 00:01:18,526
(BOTH YELLING)
8
00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:21,002
(PANTING)
Wow!
9
00:01:22,320 --> 00:01:24,129
- Again?
- Fuck, yeah.
10
00:01:25,160 --> 00:01:26,889
ANNIE: Now, this might
be a little harder.
11
00:01:26,960 --> 00:01:29,611
Do you remember the second time
your husband saw you naked?
12
00:01:29,800 --> 00:01:30,881
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
13
00:01:31,000 --> 00:01:32,525
BETH: Annie, you coming?
14
00:01:32,800 --> 00:01:34,529
- We're gonna be late.
- WOMAN: Wake up, sleepyhead!
15
00:01:34,600 --> 00:01:36,250
- WOMAN 2: Annie!
- Shit.
16
00:01:40,360 --> 00:01:43,330
Hey, guys.
I, uh, totally overslept.
17
00:01:44,040 --> 00:01:46,281
- Um, okay. Well, you can meet us.
- ANNIE: Okay. That sounds...
18
00:01:46,360 --> 00:01:47,361
(SCREAMS)
19
00:01:48,160 --> 00:01:49,286
(GRUNTS)
20
00:01:50,880 --> 00:01:52,644
I saw your butt.
Just standin' there.
21
00:01:52,720 --> 00:01:53,881
Did you?
22
00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:55,883
I never seen
your butt before.
23
00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:57,530
I had no choice.
24
00:01:58,200 --> 00:02:00,248
ANNIE: We accidentally
left the door open.
25
00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:02,643
I mean, can you even
imagine a world
26
00:02:02,720 --> 00:02:04,722
where you accidentally
leave the door open?
27
00:02:16,400 --> 00:02:17,890
I love fucking you.
28
00:02:18,040 --> 00:02:19,849
I fucking love you.
29
00:02:24,080 --> 00:02:25,411
ANNIE: For Jay and I,
30
00:02:25,480 --> 00:02:26,720
the next few months
were a blur
31
00:02:26,800 --> 00:02:31,249
of constant naked,
sweaty, ugly, amazing sex.
32
00:02:31,560 --> 00:02:32,971
(ANNIE AND JAY GRUNTING)
33
00:02:35,240 --> 00:02:36,287
Okay. I got it.
34
00:02:36,560 --> 00:02:37,925
(GRUNTS)
Oh, God!
35
00:02:38,360 --> 00:02:39,885
I'll probably be pretty
hungry after this.
36
00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:41,321
It's been a while
since I've eaten.
37
00:02:41,360 --> 00:02:42,805
I can make you
a sandwich.
38
00:02:42,880 --> 00:02:44,644
We could probably make a burrito
out of shit we have here.
39
00:02:44,720 --> 00:02:45,721
Okay-
40
00:02:48,920 --> 00:02:51,810
(SQUEALING)
Oh, no!
41
00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:54,008
Holy Mary,
mother of...
42
00:02:54,080 --> 00:02:56,287
ANNIE: And let's face it.
(SIGHS)
43
00:02:56,560 --> 00:02:57,800
The erections.
44
00:02:57,880 --> 00:02:59,882
Oh, God. Do you remember
the erections?
45
00:02:59,960 --> 00:03:01,962
Erections everywhere.
46
00:03:02,440 --> 00:03:04,408
If the Wind blew.
47
00:03:06,360 --> 00:03:08,601
If he ate certain foods.
48
00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:13,767
If he watched any movie.
49
00:03:16,680 --> 00:03:18,682
If he got sleepy.
50
00:03:19,560 --> 00:03:20,971
If he woke up.
51
00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:22,201
Good morning.
52
00:03:22,280 --> 00:03:23,725
Sometimes,
I swear his erection
53
00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:26,041
knew I was in the area
before Jay did.
54
00:03:26,120 --> 00:03:27,121
Annie?
55
00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:32,280
Everywhere we went,
everything we did,
56
00:03:32,360 --> 00:03:34,761
was another opportunity
to have sex.
57
00:03:35,240 --> 00:03:37,208
Do you think we should be
doing this right here?
58
00:03:37,320 --> 00:03:39,800
Baby, honestly,
I don't think anyone
59
00:03:39,880 --> 00:03:41,291
can tell what's happening.
60
00:03:43,280 --> 00:03:44,964
ANNIE: It's not that
it was just sex.
61
00:03:45,040 --> 00:03:46,610
But we knew that
there was always
62
00:03:46,680 --> 00:03:48,489
more sex just around
the corner.
63
00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:51,241
(ANNIE SQUEALS)
64
00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:53,442
Then, it happened.
65
00:03:55,160 --> 00:03:56,366
Dad.
66
00:03:56,440 --> 00:03:57,487
Mom.
67
00:03:58,320 --> 00:04:00,322
Jay and I
have some big news.
68
00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:03,521
We're in love. We're pregnant
and we're getting married.
69
00:04:04,240 --> 00:04:05,571
- Come again?
- Honey, wait. What?
70
00:04:06,320 --> 00:04:07,367
(STAMMERS)
Are you sure?
71
00:04:07,440 --> 00:04:08,601
Yeah. I took the test
three times.
72
00:04:08,680 --> 00:04:09,680
No, honey. No, I mean,
73
00:04:09,720 --> 00:04:11,370
are you sure that now
is the right time?
74
00:04:12,040 --> 00:04:14,168
You're both very,
very young
75
00:04:14,240 --> 00:04:16,129
and who knows what
the future holds?
76
00:04:16,640 --> 00:04:18,130
(CLEARS THROAT)
Uh, Greg?
77
00:04:18,760 --> 00:04:20,046
Oh. Jay.
78
00:04:20,480 --> 00:04:21,845
Yeah. Where are you
from again?
79
00:04:23,800 --> 00:04:25,290
Mr. and Mrs. Grovner, uh,
80
00:04:25,360 --> 00:04:27,044
I know that we just met.
81
00:04:27,360 --> 00:04:29,761
But when I first met Annie,
82
00:04:29,840 --> 00:04:31,285
I knew that she was the one.
83
00:04:31,520 --> 00:04:33,761
And so I think,
once you get to know me,
84
00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:34,841
you're gonna feel
85
00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:38,203
a lot better about this
moment than you do right now
86
00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:41,610
because I really love
your daughter.
87
00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:43,727
(MOUTHING)
I love you.
88
00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:49,324
Oh, boy.
(CHUCKLES)
89
00:04:51,840 --> 00:04:53,330
Well, goodbye, sex.
(CHUCKLES)
90
00:04:53,520 --> 00:04:54,726
- Dad!
- Walt.
91
00:04:54,800 --> 00:04:56,609
- What?
- What?
92
00:04:58,400 --> 00:04:59,640
They're not right,
are they?
93
00:04:59,720 --> 00:05:01,563
No, of course not.
94
00:05:01,720 --> 00:05:03,085
I don't think.
95
00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:04,401
We're not too young?
96
00:05:04,480 --> 00:05:06,323
JAY: Oh, we're young.
You know?
97
00:05:06,400 --> 00:05:08,562
But we definitely
know each other.
98
00:05:09,520 --> 00:05:10,726
Greg, right?
99
00:05:10,880 --> 00:05:12,405
Yes, I'm Greg.
100
00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:13,600
Look, here's what I think.
101
00:05:13,640 --> 00:05:14,721
They're right.
102
00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:17,167
We don't know
what the future holds.
103
00:05:18,040 --> 00:05:21,089
But I also think that whatever
the world throws at us,
104
00:05:22,080 --> 00:05:23,923
let's deal with it, right?
105
00:05:24,040 --> 00:05:25,041
- Yeah.
- You know?
106
00:05:25,120 --> 00:05:26,804
But what about
the sex part?
107
00:05:26,880 --> 00:05:29,008
Are you still gonna
wanna have sex with me
108
00:05:29,080 --> 00:05:31,128
even when I am big
and fat and pregnant,
109
00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:33,009
and then later when
I'm somebody's mother?
110
00:05:33,080 --> 00:05:34,206
Yeah!
111
00:05:34,280 --> 00:05:35,645
- Yeah.
- Really?
112
00:05:35,720 --> 00:05:36,846
Babe, my dick
can see the future.
113
00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:38,206
That's why we call it
Nostracockus.
114
00:05:38,280 --> 00:05:39,770
(LAUGHS)
115
00:05:40,480 --> 00:05:42,369
What about you? Are you gonna
wanna have sex with me?
116
00:05:42,440 --> 00:05:43,960
Yes, I'm gonna wanna
have sex with you.
117
00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:45,001
- Yeah?
- Yes!
118
00:05:45,080 --> 00:05:47,040
Do you know why I'm gonna
wanna have sex with you?
119
00:05:47,520 --> 00:05:49,761
- My butt?
- Because of your butt, babe.
120
00:05:50,160 --> 00:05:51,446
(BOTH LAUGHING)
121
00:05:51,680 --> 00:05:53,762
ANNIE: We promised ourselves
nothing would change.
122
00:05:53,840 --> 00:05:55,285
That we wouldn't let it.
123
00:05:55,600 --> 00:05:57,204
And even though
it was awkward sometimes,
124
00:05:57,280 --> 00:05:58,770
we made it work.
125
00:05:58,840 --> 00:05:59,966
If you could just turn
a little bit more.
126
00:06:00,080 --> 00:06:01,161
- Yep.
- To the right.
127
00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:02,730
I think we're good.
128
00:06:03,200 --> 00:06:05,567
That's... I'm maxed out.
My stomach's in the way.
129
00:06:05,640 --> 00:06:06,846
You know what?
I'm gonna grab boob.
130
00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:08,046
Yeah, just be careful.
They're really sensitive.
131
00:06:08,120 --> 00:06:09,281
And not in a good way.
132
00:06:09,360 --> 00:06:10,407
Got it. Very gently
grabbin' boob.
133
00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:11,480
Okay, gently.
134
00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:14,046
And here comes the penis.
(CHUCKLES)
135
00:06:14,120 --> 00:06:16,327
That's gonna be
the name of my album.
136
00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:19,210
ANNIE: We were determined.
And often, successful.
137
00:06:19,280 --> 00:06:21,806
Then came the event.
138
00:06:21,880 --> 00:06:24,121
(SCREAMING)
Motherfucker!
139
00:06:24,200 --> 00:06:26,487
You're doing an amazing job, babe.
You're doing great!
140
00:06:26,560 --> 00:06:27,686
Tell her
she's doing great!
141
00:06:27,760 --> 00:06:29,160
He's crowning,
if you'd like to see.
142
00:06:29,360 --> 00:06:30,486
Yeah.
143
00:06:34,080 --> 00:06:35,320
Wow!
144
00:06:36,800 --> 00:06:41,089
That is one
incredibly versatile hole.
145
00:06:42,280 --> 00:06:43,850
You're tellin' me.
146
00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:46,651
ANNIE: From that moment on,
everything was completely different.
147
00:06:46,760 --> 00:06:47,921
No two ways about it.
148
00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:49,040
(BABY CRYING OVER MONITOR)
149
00:06:49,840 --> 00:06:51,001
Oh, I'll be back.
150
00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:52,650
ANNIE: Not that
we didn't try.
151
00:06:52,720 --> 00:06:53,881
(BABY CRYING)
152
00:06:54,840 --> 00:06:56,046
Got it.
153
00:06:56,120 --> 00:06:57,963
And if one
made it difficult,
154
00:06:58,040 --> 00:06:59,929
two made it
almost impossible.
155
00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:01,806
Honey,
(JAY SNORING)
156
00:07:02,080 --> 00:07:04,526
let's try to have
sex next weekend
157
00:07:04,600 --> 00:07:07,729
when my mom comes
over for lunch, okay?
158
00:07:07,840 --> 00:07:10,366
I'm gonna do you
like a fucking...
159
00:07:11,080 --> 00:07:12,684
(SNORING RESUMES)
160
00:07:14,440 --> 00:07:17,364
ANNIE: Now, do you
remember the last time
161
00:07:17,440 --> 00:07:19,169
your husband saw you naked?
162
00:07:19,240 --> 00:07:20,765
- Jay.
- JAY: Yeah.
163
00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:22,160
I need a little help here.
164
00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:23,611
I may be late for my thing
if I don't get in here
165
00:07:23,680 --> 00:07:25,680
and take a shower right away.
Can we switch places?
166
00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:30,371
(SNEEZES)
167
00:07:31,360 --> 00:07:33,044
ANNIE: You know,
don't even think about it.
168
00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:37,648
The big question is, how the
hell do you get it back?
169
00:07:47,680 --> 00:07:49,603
JAY: All right, guys!
Let's get goin'!
170
00:07:49,680 --> 00:07:51,762
Clive, if you wanna wear your
uniform, you gotta get changed, bud.
171
00:07:51,840 --> 00:07:53,808
Uh, one minute.
This is really important.
172
00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:55,120
What are you workin' on?
173
00:07:55,200 --> 00:07:56,770
It's my video
yearbook presentation
174
00:07:56,840 --> 00:07:58,330
for graduation on Monday.
175
00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:00,084
JAY: That is super
impressive, man.
176
00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:02,961
- Where'd you learn how to do that?
- It's really easy, Dad.
177
00:08:03,040 --> 00:08:04,040
Hey, save it as something
178
00:08:04,080 --> 00:08:05,570
other than "Video 1"
for me, will ya?
179
00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:07,529
It's fine. It's Video 1.
180
00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:09,284
Hey, Clive. I asked you
to do something, right?
181
00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:10,640
Don't condescend to me.
182
00:08:10,760 --> 00:08:12,800
It's time to go to school.
I'll meet you in the car.
183
00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:15,766
Nell, are you ready?
184
00:08:16,320 --> 00:08:17,321
Later.
185
00:08:17,920 --> 00:08:19,001
JAY: All right, gang!
Let's go!
186
00:08:19,080 --> 00:08:20,127
Wait, honey. Hold on!
187
00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:21,761
I'm going!
188
00:08:21,840 --> 00:08:23,365
I'm going, too!
189
00:08:23,480 --> 00:08:26,484
Mommy packed me two kinds of sandwiches.
Jelly and peanut butter.
190
00:08:26,560 --> 00:08:28,244
- Oh, yes, honey.
- Wow.
191
00:08:28,440 --> 00:08:30,681
Bye, honey. Good
luck with your game.
192
00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:32,808
- NELL: Good luck at work!
- Thanks, baby.
193
00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:34,245
JAY: Clive, buckle up
your sister, will ya?
194
00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:36,203
- Honey, did you pack all of her stuff?
- Yeah, yeah, of course.
195
00:08:36,280 --> 00:08:37,725
Don't forget to
stop by and grab...
196
00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:40,485
Light bulbs.
I am on top of it. Hey.
197
00:08:41,920 --> 00:08:43,126
It's gonna go great.
198
00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:44,531
God, is this actually
happening?
199
00:08:44,600 --> 00:08:46,443
Am I gonna sell the blog for money?
Like, real money?
200
00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:47,561
Is that possible?
201
00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:49,040
It would be amazing.
For everything.
202
00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:50,809
CLIVE: Dad,
I can't be late again!
203
00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:52,920
- Yes! I'll be right there, guys!
- CLIVE: Let's go!
204
00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:54,803
Yes, Clive! I heard...
205
00:08:55,800 --> 00:08:58,451
Is it just me or is the big
one becoming kind of a dick?
206
00:08:58,840 --> 00:09:00,171
Don't say that.
Seriously, babe.
207
00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:02,368
No, I'm just sayin'
he's acting like a dick.
208
00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:03,566
Don't say that.
209
00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:05,564
Hey, we should have
sex sometime soon.
210
00:09:05,680 --> 00:09:07,569
- Oh, I would love that.
- Yeah, me, too.
211
00:09:07,800 --> 00:09:08,800
Maybe Thursday.
212
00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:10,842
Fantastic. 'Cause it feels
like it's been a long time.
213
00:09:10,920 --> 00:09:12,126
- It has, right?
- JAY: Yeah.
214
00:09:12,560 --> 00:09:14,961
The last time was when we got those
towels from Bed Bath & Beyond.
215
00:09:15,080 --> 00:09:16,809
- Oh, that's right. That was a while ago.
- Yeah, the linen sale.
216
00:09:16,880 --> 00:09:18,481
Look, we can't talk
about this right now,
217
00:09:18,520 --> 00:09:19,726
because we both
have someplace to be.
218
00:09:19,800 --> 00:09:21,200
Not the right time.
Gotta get goin'.
219
00:09:21,240 --> 00:09:22,890
It's just been so hard to find
the moment with the kids.
220
00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:24,769
At the end of the day, we're
just both so exhausted.
221
00:09:24,840 --> 00:09:26,240
- You know?
- Oh, just tell me about it.
222
00:09:26,280 --> 00:09:27,770
Maybe one of these nights,
we'll have sex
223
00:09:27,840 --> 00:09:29,365
instead of watching
Project Runway.
224
00:09:29,480 --> 00:09:31,005
We'll TiVo Project Runway.
225
00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:32,605
That's probably why
they invented TiVo.
226
00:09:32,680 --> 00:09:34,011
So people could have sex.
227
00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:38,120
NELL: Daddy?
I still don't get it.
228
00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:40,931
Why do we keep having
all of these days?
229
00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:43,321
And then,
going to bed at night?
230
00:09:43,400 --> 00:09:46,085
And then, having
all of these days?
231
00:09:46,160 --> 00:09:48,322
And then, going to bed
at night?
232
00:09:48,920 --> 00:09:51,844
Well, uh, that's
sort of what life is.
233
00:09:52,160 --> 00:09:53,969
When will it end?
234
00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:56,281
It won't.
235
00:09:56,400 --> 00:09:57,606
Well, it'll end
when we die.
236
00:09:57,680 --> 00:09:58,806
Don't do that, buddy.
Okay?
237
00:09:59,400 --> 00:10:01,368
Won't I get bored
of doing this stuff
238
00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:03,920
again and again and again?
239
00:10:04,040 --> 00:10:05,121
No.
240
00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:06,690
But you and Mommy
are bored.
241
00:10:08,200 --> 00:10:10,202
Well, that's what
happens with marriage.
242
00:10:10,280 --> 00:10:11,281
Who are you?
243
00:10:12,440 --> 00:10:13,601
(CHUCKLES)
244
00:10:14,640 --> 00:10:17,291
Dad, (STUTTERS)
Nell's doing it again.
245
00:10:17,360 --> 00:10:20,728
Hey. Nell, get your finger
out of your butt.
246
00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:23,203
Is anyone gonna
clean her finger?
247
00:10:24,720 --> 00:10:26,290
Hey! Stop! No!
248
00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:27,600
- Nell!
- CLIVE: No. Stop.
249
00:10:27,880 --> 00:10:28,847
Do you mind if I join you?
250
00:10:28,920 --> 00:10:29,921
I don't mind!
251
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:31,729
CLIVE: No! Stop. Stop!
(LAUGHTER)
252
00:10:32,200 --> 00:10:34,567
As you know, Piper Brothers
is the world's number one
253
00:10:34,640 --> 00:10:36,404
toy and child
product brand
254
00:10:36,480 --> 00:10:37,970
in the zero-to-four
age range
255
00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:39,644
for over 50 years.
256
00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:41,961
We're looking to bring Piper
Brothers into the future.
257
00:10:42,040 --> 00:10:43,769
And a big part of
that is developing
258
00:10:43,840 --> 00:10:45,604
the Piper Brothers
online community
259
00:10:45,680 --> 00:10:48,081
in a way that's befitting
of the Piper Brothers name.
260
00:10:48,160 --> 00:10:49,571
But also in a way that says,
261
00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:51,520
"This is not your grandfather's
Piper Brothers."
262
00:10:51,920 --> 00:10:54,082
But in order for us
to do that, we need content.
263
00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:56,242
Hey, everybody! Annie!
264
00:10:56,520 --> 00:10:57,646
- Hi.
- Hank Rosenbaum.
265
00:10:57,760 --> 00:10:59,762
Such a pleasure.
Thank you so much.
266
00:10:59,840 --> 00:11:01,683
I've heard so much
about you.
267
00:11:01,760 --> 00:11:03,171
- Please, sit down.
- Thank you.
268
00:11:03,240 --> 00:11:05,004
Can I get you anything?
Coffee? Finger sandwich?
269
00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:06,804
Sliced pineapple?
270
00:11:07,280 --> 00:11:09,282
No, no. I'm fine with just water.
Thanks.
271
00:11:09,760 --> 00:11:12,491
Oh, well, I just wanna stick
my head in and say hi
272
00:11:12,560 --> 00:11:14,562
and to tell you that I'm a
big fan of what you do.
273
00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:16,688
Thanks. That's really
nice to hear.
274
00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:18,091
We think you have
brand potential.
275
00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:19,565
The model
Piper Brothers mother.
276
00:11:19,640 --> 00:11:20,840
HANK: We really
believe in you.
277
00:11:20,920 --> 00:11:22,365
And I always say
that belief
278
00:11:22,440 --> 00:11:23,680
is the only metric
that matters.
279
00:11:24,440 --> 00:11:27,205
We didn't bring you here to wow
you with incredible numbers
280
00:11:27,280 --> 00:11:29,044
because numbers
are really just
281
00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:31,600
an algorithm for
passion and values.
282
00:11:31,680 --> 00:11:33,648
It's like I was
telling my wife, Schlomit,
283
00:11:33,720 --> 00:11:37,247
I think I found the voice
of Piper Brothers' values.
284
00:11:37,440 --> 00:11:39,408
(CHUCKLES)
Yeesh!
285
00:11:40,880 --> 00:11:41,881
Thanks!
286
00:11:42,040 --> 00:11:43,166
Are you sure
we can't get you
287
00:11:43,240 --> 00:11:44,890
a finger sandwich
or a slice of pineapple?
288
00:11:47,560 --> 00:11:48,800
I'm okay.
289
00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:51,804
There are certain content
guidelines we'd like to discuss.
290
00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:53,804
- Oh, how do you mean?
- Little things.
291
00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:55,484
"Do you remember
the first time"
292
00:11:55,560 --> 00:11:57,085
"your husband
saw you naked?"
293
00:11:57,160 --> 00:11:58,207
Right, um...
294
00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:01,005
"The erections? Do you
remember the erections?"
295
00:12:01,160 --> 00:12:02,571
(CHUCKLES)
No, I remember that part.
296
00:12:02,640 --> 00:12:03,801
"Erections everywhere."
297
00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:05,570
That's an unusual
post for me.
298
00:12:05,640 --> 00:12:07,563
It's a great post.
I enjoyed it.
299
00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:09,608
But what we're looking
for from you
300
00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:12,803
is your authentic,
wholesome voice.
301
00:12:12,880 --> 00:12:14,211
It's the kind of content
that Piper Brothers
302
00:12:14,280 --> 00:12:15,486
mothers are so hungry for.
303
00:12:15,560 --> 00:12:17,722
Look, I love
being a mother.
304
00:12:17,840 --> 00:12:19,524
And I love writing
about it.
305
00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:22,368
Well, we will make you
a meaningful proposal.
306
00:12:22,440 --> 00:12:23,771
And we're very excited.
307
00:12:25,040 --> 00:12:26,326
Should we have
some pineapple?
308
00:12:26,640 --> 00:12:27,641
(LAUGHING)
309
00:12:28,480 --> 00:12:30,687
We can have someone
get you some pineapple.
310
00:12:30,840 --> 00:12:33,207
MAN: Band's coming to the
Los Angeles area tomorrow.
311
00:12:33,280 --> 00:12:35,965
Meantime, here's the new single.
It's called Spank Me.
312
00:12:36,160 --> 00:12:38,128
I swear to you, man.
313
00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:39,964
I think I am in love
with this girl.
314
00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:41,605
- Max, that's big news.
- Yeah.
315
00:12:41,680 --> 00:12:43,091
It's, like, we...
316
00:12:43,160 --> 00:12:44,889
I don't know.
We just connect.
317
00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:46,530
Like, we have these
really long, like,
318
00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:49,444
super intense
conversations. You know?
319
00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:52,683
About religion,
and snowboarding.
320
00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:55,247
And then, like,
out of nowhere,
321
00:12:55,320 --> 00:12:57,721
she'll just text me
her boobs.
322
00:12:59,040 --> 00:13:01,360
She just texted you a picture
of her boobs out of the blue?
323
00:13:01,720 --> 00:13:03,324
Oh, buddy. Good for you.
(CHUCKLES)
324
00:13:03,640 --> 00:13:05,608
- Enjoy this time.
- Thank you, dude.
325
00:13:05,720 --> 00:13:06,846
- That's amazing.
- Yeah.
326
00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:08,763
I once sent Annie
a picture of my dick.
327
00:13:08,840 --> 00:13:11,411
She was at a PTA meeting.
It was horrible.
328
00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:13,000
Did you go full dick?
329
00:13:13,040 --> 00:13:14,166
Yeah. I...
330
00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:15,361
Oh.
331
00:13:15,520 --> 00:13:17,000
For a man, I feel like
it's dick or...
332
00:13:17,040 --> 00:13:18,485
That's kind of
your only option.
333
00:13:18,560 --> 00:13:19,641
Yeah, I avoid my dick.
334
00:13:19,720 --> 00:13:21,449
I usually just do, like,
335
00:13:21,520 --> 00:13:22,885
you know, the sexier
parts of me.
336
00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:25,843
Um, like, part bag,
part leg.
337
00:13:25,920 --> 00:13:26,967
You know?
338
00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:28,849
I'll go undercarriage.
So...
339
00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:30,166
I'll have my friend,
Doug, come over
340
00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:31,571
and we'll just
knock it out real fast.
341
00:13:31,640 --> 00:13:34,484
Your friend comes over and
takes a picture of your balls?
342
00:13:34,560 --> 00:13:36,085
Yeah. Yeah.
You know Doug, right?
343
00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:37,690
- Your neighbor?
- Yeah.
344
00:13:37,760 --> 00:13:39,489
He's actually a really
good photographer.
345
00:13:39,560 --> 00:13:40,607
He works from home.
346
00:13:40,680 --> 00:13:41,681
- And, so...
- ROSIE: Hey, guys.
347
00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:43,250
- Hey, Rosie.
- Hello, Rosie.
348
00:13:43,360 --> 00:13:44,407
New iPads are here.
349
00:13:44,480 --> 00:13:46,767
Ah, thank you. I have
been waiting for these.
350
00:13:46,840 --> 00:13:47,921
How many of those
things do you have?
351
00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:49,001
Two at a time.
352
00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:51,003
One for new music.
One for back catalogue.
353
00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:53,731
I have this complicated syncing
system, but it works out.
354
00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:56,002
Well, what do you do with the old ones?
I just give 'em as gifts.
355
00:13:56,080 --> 00:13:57,081
(PHONE BUZZES)
356
00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:01,048
- Hey, babe. How'd it go?
- They wanna buy it!
357
00:14:01,120 --> 00:14:03,566
That's amazing! What did they say?
Did they make an offer?
358
00:14:03,640 --> 00:14:04,687
They're going to.
359
00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:07,001
They said it would be "meaningful."
Whatever that means.
360
00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:09,208
I think that means
a lot of money.
361
00:14:09,280 --> 00:14:10,725
- Right?
- (SQUEALS) I know!
362
00:14:10,800 --> 00:14:12,086
Well, we have to celebrate.
363
00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:13,840
Slow down. They haven't
made the offer yet.
364
00:14:14,080 --> 00:14:16,048
They're going to. And
that's reason to celebrate.
365
00:14:16,120 --> 00:14:17,849
I can get Sam to cover me tonight.
What do you wanna do?
366
00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:20,042
I don't know. Should we take
the kids somewhere fun?
367
00:14:20,120 --> 00:14:21,800
Like pizza and roller
skating or something?
368
00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:24,811
Totally! I can't wait.
369
00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:26,450
I'll see you
in a couple hours.
370
00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:29,762
Okay, hon. Love you.
371
00:14:29,920 --> 00:14:31,126
(PHONE BEEPS)
372
00:14:36,680 --> 00:14:37,841
(PHONE RINGS)
373
00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:41,122
- Hello?
- ANNIE: Hey, Mom.
374
00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:42,486
What's wrong, honey?
375
00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:44,404
Nothing's wrong.
376
00:14:44,640 --> 00:14:46,324
What are you
doing tonight?
377
00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:52,040
All right,
378
00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:54,481
who's ready for some
roller skating?
379
00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:56,560
Annie?
380
00:14:57,480 --> 00:14:59,482
Clive? Nelly?
381
00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:02,925
Annie, you here?
382
00:15:06,320 --> 00:15:08,084
All right.
383
00:15:08,640 --> 00:15:10,165
Hello.
384
00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:17,961
Hey-
385
00:15:18,120 --> 00:15:19,167
- Hey, babe.
- Hi.
386
00:15:19,480 --> 00:15:20,480
Where are the kids?
387
00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:21,851
They're at my mom's.
(CLEARS THROAT)
388
00:15:21,920 --> 00:15:23,763
Oh, they are? I thought that we
were gonna go down to the...
389
00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:26,161
Whoa, holy shit! Wow!
390
00:15:26,680 --> 00:15:28,682
(CHUCKLES)
Hi.
391
00:15:29,240 --> 00:15:30,241
Wow. Look at you.
392
00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:32,443
- Too much?
- No, it's great.
393
00:15:32,560 --> 00:15:33,686
I was thinking...
394
00:15:33,840 --> 00:15:36,002
Yeah! Yes!
(CHUCKLES)
395
00:15:36,480 --> 00:15:37,970
The kids, um,
how long are they...
396
00:15:38,080 --> 00:15:39,127
They're sleepin' over.
397
00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:40,201
Yes!
398
00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:42,604
- 'Cause I was thinking that...
- Whoa.
399
00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:47,209
Maybe we could celebrate,
just the two of us.
400
00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:48,681
I get it.
401
00:15:48,880 --> 00:15:50,484
That's a great idea.
402
00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:52,961
This is, like, the best
idea you've ever had.
403
00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:54,724
(CHUCKLES)
You look amazing.
404
00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:56,803
- Do you own these underwear?
- Mm-hmm.
405
00:15:56,880 --> 00:15:58,450
'Cause I've never
seen those before.
406
00:15:58,560 --> 00:15:59,560
Come on.
407
00:15:59,600 --> 00:16:03,002
This is so exciting.
I'm so excited right now.
408
00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:04,725
(LAUGHS)
409
00:16:05,520 --> 00:16:06,567
(SQUEALS)
410
00:16:08,480 --> 00:16:09,481
And now you're
on the bed.
411
00:16:09,720 --> 00:16:11,722
This is great.
I love where this is headed.
412
00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:13,849
Your narrating,
it's so hot.
413
00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:15,570
She said, encouragingly.
414
00:16:15,840 --> 00:16:18,730
Get over here and take these
roller skates off of me.
415
00:16:18,880 --> 00:16:21,161
I love it when you talk that
way about your roller skates.
416
00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:25,881
Double knot.
417
00:16:27,680 --> 00:16:28,920
Okay-
418
00:16:39,240 --> 00:16:40,240
Here, maybe...
419
00:16:40,280 --> 00:16:41,645
- No, no, no, I got it.
- Okay.
420
00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:49,442
ANNIE: (GIGGLING) Ooh.
421
00:16:49,880 --> 00:16:51,848
Okay, that should do it.
422
00:16:52,560 --> 00:16:54,528
- And a-one...
- Uh-huh.
423
00:16:54,760 --> 00:16:55,761
(GROANS)
(GASPS)
424
00:16:56,280 --> 00:16:57,964
Ow!
(GRUNTS)
425
00:16:58,040 --> 00:16:59,246
- Fuck! Ow.
- Ow!
426
00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:04,971
That got a lot less hot
real quick, didn't it?
427
00:17:05,920 --> 00:17:07,081
(SIGHS)
428
00:17:08,320 --> 00:17:09,685
(LAUGHING)
429
00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:12,281
Mmm.
430
00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:19,811
- Mm-hmm?
- Mm-hmm.
431
00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:22,088
- Mm-hmm.
- Should we continue?
432
00:17:22,160 --> 00:17:23,400
- Yes.
- Mm.
433
00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:25,321
(JAY GRUNTING)
434
00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:27,041
Mm! Oop...
435
00:17:27,120 --> 00:17:28,724
- Babe. That was like...
- Toothy.
436
00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:30,848
- Okay, just relax.
- Do I not seem relaxed?
437
00:17:30,920 --> 00:17:32,445
No, I mean both of us.
What I'm talking about.
438
00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:33,721
Oh. We'll both relax.
We'll just relax.
439
00:17:33,800 --> 00:17:34,926
If we both relaxed,
it'd be good.
440
00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:36,331
Just...
441
00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:51,330
Sorry. I'm sorry.
442
00:17:51,440 --> 00:17:53,408
- What is happening with us right now?
- I don't know.
443
00:17:53,480 --> 00:17:54,891
I just got
in my head a little bit.
444
00:17:55,000 --> 00:17:56,729
It was just weird for a second.
I'm sorry. Okay, it's fine.
445
00:17:56,800 --> 00:17:58,325
Here's what we're gonna do.
446
00:17:59,240 --> 00:18:00,765
- All right.
- Here we go.
447
00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:02,490
- Let's do this thing.
- It's on.
448
00:18:02,680 --> 00:18:03,841
(BOTH GRUNT)
449
00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:07,841
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
450
00:18:08,920 --> 00:18:09,921
Oh.
451
00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:11,843
- What?
- We have hit boob.
452
00:18:12,160 --> 00:18:14,162
(ANNIE LAUGHS) We've got
a man on second base.
453
00:18:14,600 --> 00:18:16,523
It's a baseball term but it
also means touching your boob.
454
00:18:16,600 --> 00:18:18,762
I know what it means.
Why don't we go to third.
455
00:18:19,520 --> 00:18:20,521
Whoa.
456
00:18:21,160 --> 00:18:22,207
(ANNIE GIGGLES)
457
00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:29,207
- What?
- Hmm?
458
00:18:29,680 --> 00:18:30,681
What?
459
00:18:31,040 --> 00:18:32,690
Too much in my own head.
460
00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:33,880
I think I've been
dreaming
461
00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:35,086
about this moment
for so long Mm-hmm.
462
00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:37,362
When we could, like,
drop everything Yeah.
463
00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:40,006
- And just properly schtup.
- Right, right.
464
00:18:40,080 --> 00:18:42,162
Instead of when
you're like, half conscious
465
00:18:42,240 --> 00:18:43,685
and can't resist,
you know?
466
00:18:43,760 --> 00:18:45,125
You think I wanna resist?
467
00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:47,123
Of course I know
that you wanna have sex.
468
00:18:47,200 --> 00:18:50,283
Sometimes I just wonder if you
wanna have sex that much.
469
00:18:50,360 --> 00:18:53,045
I do. I do wanna
have sex that much.
470
00:18:53,120 --> 00:18:54,884
But sometimes
I just feel like
471
00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:56,962
you know, you're tired
or you're stressed out.
472
00:18:57,040 --> 00:18:58,041
- And maybe...
- Me?
473
00:18:58,120 --> 00:18:59,121
I don't know,
I wonder sometimes
474
00:18:59,240 --> 00:19:00,810
if you're still, you know,
attracted to me.
475
00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:03,167
Are you kidding?
You're a fuckin' sexpot.
476
00:19:03,280 --> 00:19:04,486
You think I'm a sexpot?
477
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:05,721
Instant boner.
478
00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:07,165
That's what I always
say about you.
479
00:19:07,560 --> 00:19:10,166
My wife, instant
boner-giver.
480
00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:11,571
(CHUCKLES)
481
00:19:12,440 --> 00:19:14,329
Tell me more about
this boner of yours.
482
00:19:14,560 --> 00:19:16,562
(GRUNTS)
He's a good guy.
483
00:19:16,640 --> 00:19:18,642
- Proud. Strong.
- Ooh.
484
00:19:18,760 --> 00:19:19,807
Great sense
of humor.
485
00:19:21,600 --> 00:19:23,170
Let's go fuck on
the kitchen floor.
486
00:19:24,360 --> 00:19:25,600
There he is.
487
00:19:29,760 --> 00:19:30,761
You comin'?
488
00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:35,083
(THUDDING, GRUNTING)
489
00:19:36,600 --> 00:19:38,090
(GRUNTING)
490
00:19:41,120 --> 00:19:43,009
ANNIE: I'm so glad
that I mopped yesterday.
491
00:19:43,080 --> 00:19:44,206
JAY: Yeah, totally.
492
00:19:45,440 --> 00:19:48,762
(GRUNTS) Honey?
Babe, babe, honey.
493
00:19:49,440 --> 00:19:50,640
Do you wanna go
somewhere else?
494
00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:52,967
Oh, my God, thank God
you said something.
495
00:19:53,080 --> 00:19:54,570
My knees hurt, like, really bad.
Oh, God.
496
00:19:54,640 --> 00:19:55,721
They really hurt.
497
00:19:55,840 --> 00:19:57,365
I know. My tailbone
is killing me
498
00:19:57,440 --> 00:19:58,726
and I can see
my to-do list.
499
00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:00,286
(PANTING)
500
00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:02,290
- Should we try the couch?
- Yeah.
501
00:20:02,320 --> 00:20:04,163
- Sex on the couch, of course, yeah.
- (CLAPS) Let's go.
502
00:20:04,240 --> 00:20:05,241
Let's go.
503
00:20:09,280 --> 00:20:10,361
(SNIFFLES)
504
00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:16,089
- It'll just be a minute.
- Okay.
505
00:20:17,360 --> 00:20:19,124
(CLEARS THROAT)
Oh .
506
00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:25,165
- No.
- No?
507
00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:27,007
(SIGHS)
508
00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:28,760
(SNIFFING)
509
00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:29,926
(CLEARS THROAT)
510
00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:32,127
Do you have allergies?
511
00:20:32,280 --> 00:20:34,248
Yeah, all week. I've had
allergies all week.
512
00:20:34,360 --> 00:20:36,840
- It's 'cause of the pressure change.
- Oh, is that what it is?
513
00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:41,401
Mmm.
514
00:20:50,560 --> 00:20:52,688
- This used to totally work, remember?
- Totally work.
515
00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:53,881
This was like my move.
516
00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:55,530
You loved this.
517
00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:02,770
Shit, man!
518
00:21:02,840 --> 00:21:04,330
- What is happening?
- It's okay.
519
00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:05,765
Is it possible that
we have somehow
520
00:21:05,840 --> 00:21:06,966
forgotten how to have sex?
521
00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:09,241
- Do not say that.
- Because we used to be great at this.
522
00:21:09,280 --> 00:21:10,611
Yeah, we were. We were.
523
00:21:10,680 --> 00:21:12,330
I was like Shaquille O'Neal
in the sack.
524
00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:13,526
I had that kind of game.
525
00:21:14,075 --> 00:21:15,075
What?
526
00:21:15,099 --> 00:21:16,672
Shaquille O'Neal's a
weird comparison.
527
00:21:16,760 --> 00:21:19,843
I'm just trying to say that I was
a dominant player. Yeah, I know.
528
00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:21,962
- I would've gone with Derek Fisher for you.
- Derek Fisher?
529
00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:23,969
- What? He's a great player.
- Okay.
530
00:21:24,080 --> 00:21:25,889
I feel like we're tryin' to
say the same thing. Okay.
531
00:21:26,040 --> 00:21:28,042
- You were like LeBron James.
- Oh, thanks, honey.
532
00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:31,408
We were like Derek Fisher
and LeBron James having sex.
533
00:21:32,560 --> 00:21:33,846
I'm saying we were
world-class.
534
00:21:33,920 --> 00:21:35,684
And now,
what is happening?
535
00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:36,881
(SIGHS)
536
00:21:37,080 --> 00:21:40,050
I don't know.
I mean, we're older.
537
00:21:40,240 --> 00:21:41,241
(SIGHS)
538
00:21:41,400 --> 00:21:42,481
We're parents.
539
00:21:42,560 --> 00:21:43,925
Yeah, but we're not dead!
540
00:21:44,240 --> 00:21:46,288
I still think about
sex all the time.
541
00:21:46,400 --> 00:21:48,880
I know.
I use your computer.
542
00:21:49,160 --> 00:21:51,083
- Oh, the porn.
- Yeah.
543
00:21:51,480 --> 00:21:53,562
You and I used to watch
porn together all the time.
544
00:21:53,720 --> 00:21:55,404
I still watch porn
every once in a while.
545
00:21:55,520 --> 00:21:56,806
- You do?
- Yeah.
546
00:21:57,000 --> 00:21:59,480
But the quality of writing
has really gone downhill.
547
00:21:59,640 --> 00:22:02,246
I like it best when it feels
like they're really in love.
548
00:22:02,320 --> 00:22:04,448
Yeah, I feel like we're getting
different things out of porn.
549
00:22:04,520 --> 00:22:05,520
Maybe.
550
00:22:05,560 --> 00:22:07,961
I just watch it for the
naked women having sex.
551
00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:09,121
And the porn guys
552
00:22:09,200 --> 00:22:10,645
don't get in the way
or anything?
553
00:22:11,160 --> 00:22:12,685
Don't even see 'em.
554
00:22:12,760 --> 00:22:14,728
They're completely
invisible to me.
555
00:22:15,520 --> 00:22:17,090
Should we watch
some porn?
556
00:22:17,640 --> 00:22:18,766
Eh.
557
00:22:19,800 --> 00:22:21,484
Just feels
kind of depressing.
558
00:22:21,560 --> 00:22:22,607
Yeah.
559
00:22:23,920 --> 00:22:25,684
Do we have any
of that tequila left?
560
00:22:25,985 --> 00:22:27,015
That's a good idea.
561
00:22:27,040 --> 00:22:29,010
- That's a really good idea.
- JAY: Right.
562
00:22:29,080 --> 00:22:30,366
Okay, here's what
we're gonna do.
563
00:22:30,440 --> 00:22:32,647
We are gonna drink some tequila.
Whoo!
564
00:22:32,720 --> 00:22:33,767
We're gonna
pull ourselves
565
00:22:33,840 --> 00:22:35,171
out of this
sad little moment
566
00:22:35,240 --> 00:22:36,685
that we're having
and after that...
567
00:22:36,760 --> 00:22:40,446
We're gonna be Derek Fisher
and LeBron fucking James.
568
00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:41,885
That's exactly
what we're gonna do.
569
00:22:41,960 --> 00:22:43,325
I'm gonna call my mom
and make sure
570
00:22:43,400 --> 00:22:44,970
the kids went to sleep okay.
571
00:22:45,080 --> 00:22:48,562
♪ Karma-karma-karma-karma ♪
♪ karma chameleon ♪
572
00:22:48,800 --> 00:22:51,201
♪ She come and goes ♪
573
00:22:51,320 --> 00:22:53,243
♪ She come and go-o-o-oes ♪
574
00:22:54,800 --> 00:22:56,370
♪ Karma Chameleon gonna... ♪
575
00:22:56,440 --> 00:22:57,601
Hey-
576
00:22:57,800 --> 00:22:58,801
Hey-
577
00:22:59,280 --> 00:23:00,964
Oh, yeah.
I just got that today.
578
00:23:01,040 --> 00:23:02,405
I'm super excited about it.
579
00:23:02,560 --> 00:23:04,562
It's got a higher-resolution
display,
580
00:23:04,640 --> 00:23:05,721
which means more pixels,
581
00:23:06,080 --> 00:23:07,764
and they upgraded the camera.
582
00:23:07,880 --> 00:23:10,963
- What?
- I just had this idea.
583
00:23:11,160 --> 00:23:12,969
Oh, all right.
Let's hear it.
584
00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:16,325
Let's make a porn.
585
00:23:17,320 --> 00:23:18,321
Excuse me?
586
00:23:19,720 --> 00:23:23,008
Let's video ourselves
having sex.
587
00:23:24,160 --> 00:23:25,161
(STAMMERS)
588
00:23:28,160 --> 00:23:30,401
- Absolutely. Yeah, totally.
- Really?
589
00:23:30,560 --> 00:23:33,564
Yeah. The more I think about
it, yes, that's a great idea.
590
00:23:33,680 --> 00:23:35,284
I think it's kind
of hot, right?
591
00:23:35,360 --> 00:23:37,681
Babe, I think that
is a great idea.
592
00:23:37,760 --> 00:23:38,841
Here, cheers.
593
00:23:38,920 --> 00:23:40,251
Look at us.
Annie and Jay.
594
00:23:40,320 --> 00:23:41,446
Send the kids off
to Grandma's house,
595
00:23:41,520 --> 00:23:43,204
make a little porn.
596
00:23:43,280 --> 00:23:44,770
- Mazel tov.
- To porn.
597
00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:45,921
Chug it.
598
00:23:47,840 --> 00:23:48,841
(GROANS)
599
00:23:48,920 --> 00:23:49,921
(CLEARS THROAT)
600
00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:51,001
I mean, drink to that.
601
00:23:53,800 --> 00:23:55,006
Oh, yeah.
602
00:23:55,120 --> 00:23:57,407
We don't even have to watch
it if we don't want to.
603
00:23:57,480 --> 00:23:59,130
Or we could.
Either way.
604
00:23:59,680 --> 00:24:01,045
Okay, honey,
605
00:24:02,120 --> 00:24:03,406
what's our storyline?
606
00:24:03,480 --> 00:24:04,527
- Story?
- Yeah.
607
00:24:04,560 --> 00:24:05,666
I'm not sure the story's
that important.
608
00:24:05,880 --> 00:24:06,961
Yeah. Oh, come on.
609
00:24:08,000 --> 00:24:09,365
I have another idea.
610
00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:11,764
Well, I would like
to hear that idea.
611
00:24:11,840 --> 00:24:12,966
Because you're clearly
in the zone.
612
00:24:13,040 --> 00:24:14,087
This is it.
613
00:24:14,160 --> 00:24:15,889
This is what
we're gonna do.
614
00:24:15,960 --> 00:24:17,291
The Joy of Sex.
615
00:24:17,360 --> 00:24:18,361
We still have that.
616
00:24:18,440 --> 00:24:20,090
Every position, right now.
617
00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:22,242
Oh, I like that.
I like that a lot.
618
00:24:22,320 --> 00:24:23,321
Every single one?
619
00:24:23,440 --> 00:24:24,726
Yep. We're not
gonna skip one.
620
00:24:25,480 --> 00:24:27,130
- Even, uh...
- Yeah. Even that.
621
00:24:27,200 --> 00:24:28,929
- Yes!
- But also...
622
00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:31,244
Totally. It's in the book.
623
00:24:31,320 --> 00:24:33,402
Yay! And we'll video
the whole thing.
624
00:24:33,480 --> 00:24:35,562
You're a genius.
No, I married a genius.
625
00:24:36,040 --> 00:24:37,565
(SIGHS) I need
another drink.
626
00:24:37,640 --> 00:24:38,880
I need to be drunker.
627
00:24:39,200 --> 00:24:40,565
Okay-
628
00:24:40,640 --> 00:24:42,085
- Here I go.
- ANNIE: Get here. Okay.
629
00:24:43,680 --> 00:24:44,920
(BEEPS)
Action.
630
00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:52,481
- Hello.
- Hi.
631
00:24:52,640 --> 00:24:56,042
And welcome to
Annie and Jay's,
632
00:24:56,160 --> 00:24:57,844
A Night With
Annie and Jay.
633
00:24:57,920 --> 00:25:00,161
I'm Jay and this is
my lovely wife, Annie.
634
00:25:00,240 --> 00:25:01,240
And tonight,
635
00:25:01,280 --> 00:25:03,931
we intend to demonstrate
every position
636
00:25:04,600 --> 00:25:05,840
in The Joy of Sex.
637
00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:07,923
Are you speaking
to our students, honey?
638
00:25:08,120 --> 00:25:10,088
Why, yes, I am, Annie.
639
00:25:11,400 --> 00:25:14,210
And this is our dojo.
640
00:25:14,360 --> 00:25:15,600
Our sex dojo.
641
00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:17,170
Our sex dojo.
That's right.
642
00:25:17,240 --> 00:25:18,924
Annie, the book, please.
643
00:25:19,200 --> 00:25:20,770
Here you go, Professor.
644
00:25:20,840 --> 00:25:22,126
Thank you, Annie.
645
00:25:23,120 --> 00:25:24,167
Well.
646
00:25:24,720 --> 00:25:26,529
Wow. Wow. Okay.
647
00:25:26,680 --> 00:25:28,125
Look at that bush.
648
00:25:28,200 --> 00:25:29,201
Well, look at his bush.
649
00:25:29,280 --> 00:25:30,566
I'm talking about his bush.
650
00:25:30,640 --> 00:25:32,244
Is that still his bush?
651
00:25:32,800 --> 00:25:36,009
I can't tell where her
bush ends and his begins.
652
00:25:36,080 --> 00:25:38,242
People were furrier
in the '70s.
653
00:25:39,120 --> 00:25:40,121
Oh.
654
00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:43,127
- "Matrimonial." Mm-hmm.
- That's right. Wow. Hmm.
655
00:25:44,280 --> 00:25:45,645
Matrimonial.
656
00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:48,201
Can we start with something
other than missionary?
657
00:25:48,280 --> 00:25:51,648
Absolutely. We can loop
back around to missionary.
658
00:25:51,760 --> 00:25:53,524
Right. It's not goin' anywhere.
659
00:25:53,600 --> 00:25:56,001
Okay, close your eyes,
my dear.
660
00:25:56,400 --> 00:25:58,482
- (CLEARS THROAT) Say "stop" when I...
- Stop!
661
00:26:00,560 --> 00:26:01,641
"Flanquette."
662
00:26:01,880 --> 00:26:03,484
- Flanquette!
- Oh.
663
00:26:03,720 --> 00:26:05,609
That is what
I'm talkin' about.
664
00:26:05,720 --> 00:26:06,801
- I feel good about this one.
- Me, too.
665
00:26:06,880 --> 00:26:07,927
Okay. So you see
what's happening?
666
00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:09,240
- That's my leg.
- Yeah, okay.
667
00:26:09,320 --> 00:26:11,209
- But that's your leg.
- Okay.
668
00:26:11,280 --> 00:26:12,281
So, it's like...
669
00:26:12,360 --> 00:26:13,360
Yep. All right.
670
00:26:13,440 --> 00:26:15,160
- Let's do this. Let's do it.
- Let's do it.
671
00:26:19,520 --> 00:26:20,681
(ANNIE CHUCKLES)
672
00:26:20,800 --> 00:26:21,801
JAY: What?
673
00:26:22,240 --> 00:26:24,607
- Come here. Come here.
- JAY: Okay, here we go.
674
00:26:25,400 --> 00:26:26,925
- Hi.
- Hi.
675
00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:29,002
(ANNIE GIGGLING)
676
00:26:30,160 --> 00:26:31,605
- Okay, ready? Okay.
- Yeah.
677
00:26:31,680 --> 00:26:32,681
Go.
Go.
678
00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:41,764
You're amazing at that.
679
00:26:41,840 --> 00:26:42,841
Really?
680
00:26:42,920 --> 00:26:44,445
- Oh, my gosh.
- Still?
681
00:26:44,520 --> 00:26:45,726
Are you kidding me?
682
00:26:45,800 --> 00:26:47,848
You were like a machine.
683
00:26:48,040 --> 00:26:50,202
Like a battering ram.
684
00:26:50,520 --> 00:26:51,681
Thank you.
685
00:26:52,440 --> 00:26:54,204
- Honey?
- Yeah?
686
00:26:54,360 --> 00:26:56,647
Erase that video, okay?
687
00:26:57,480 --> 00:26:58,480
Yeah.
688
00:26:58,520 --> 00:27:00,807
I don't want the kids to ever,
ever, ever, ever, ever...
689
00:27:00,880 --> 00:27:02,450
No, I'll erase it.
No worries.
690
00:27:02,520 --> 00:27:04,045
You don't forget, okay?
691
00:27:04,120 --> 00:27:05,565
I won't forget.
692
00:27:06,880 --> 00:27:07,881
(ANNIE SIGHS)
693
00:27:08,000 --> 00:27:10,162
I love fucking you.
694
00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:12,889
I fucking love you.
695
00:27:21,240 --> 00:27:23,402
(KIDS LAUGHING)
696
00:27:27,800 --> 00:27:29,564
No! No,
not my own son!
697
00:27:30,760 --> 00:27:31,841
Whoops!
698
00:27:42,400 --> 00:27:44,004
So as long as we
get them both down
699
00:27:44,080 --> 00:27:45,844
for thew second naps
by 2:00 - ish,
700
00:27:45,920 --> 00:27:47,843
then the nighttime
is a little better.
701
00:27:47,920 --> 00:27:50,969
Yeah, if we don't get them down
by 2:00-ish we're totally fucked.
702
00:27:51,080 --> 00:27:53,242
Wow. "Totally fucked."
That's nice.
703
00:27:53,320 --> 00:27:54,731
PUNIT: This is just
an expression.
704
00:27:54,800 --> 00:27:56,006
How else would
you describe this?
705
00:27:56,080 --> 00:27:57,206
I would describe
this as...
706
00:27:57,240 --> 00:27:58,810
- Super fucked?...
- A gift of life. You're welcome.
707
00:27:58,880 --> 00:28:00,484
You guys are bouncing the
shit out of those babies.
708
00:28:00,560 --> 00:28:02,005
You're bouncing 'em hard.
709
00:28:02,080 --> 00:28:03,286
Oh, you guys
are doing great.
710
00:28:03,360 --> 00:28:04,850
It's getting
a lot easier, though.
711
00:28:04,920 --> 00:28:06,843
Oh, we're seeing the light
at the end of the tunnel.
712
00:28:06,960 --> 00:28:09,611
KIA: Yeah. You guys should
have seen us a month ago.
713
00:28:09,760 --> 00:28:11,205
I don't even know
who I was then.
714
00:28:11,280 --> 00:28:13,203
Oh, my God.
These are the salad days.
715
00:28:13,280 --> 00:28:16,124
Yeah, it sounds really
intense, but you got it!
716
00:28:16,200 --> 00:28:17,611
So, are you guys
thinking of having more?
717
00:28:17,680 --> 00:28:18,806
ALL: No.
718
00:28:19,360 --> 00:28:21,010
Isn't it crazy
that the boys
719
00:28:21,080 --> 00:28:24,209
are graduating fourth grade?
Isn't that crazy?
720
00:28:24,280 --> 00:28:27,124
And Howard is graduating fifth grade.
When did that happen?
721
00:28:27,200 --> 00:28:29,726
Since when did kids graduate
from fourth and fifth grade?
722
00:28:29,800 --> 00:28:32,007
It used to be
school just ended.
723
00:28:32,080 --> 00:28:33,730
There wasn't a ceremony
for everything.
724
00:28:33,800 --> 00:28:35,040
- Just...
- Ignore him.
725
00:28:35,120 --> 00:28:36,565
- I will.
- TESS: Yeah.
726
00:28:36,640 --> 00:28:38,165
I love your blog, by the way.
727
00:28:38,240 --> 00:28:39,730
Oh, thank you.
728
00:28:39,800 --> 00:28:41,723
Hey, do you think Piper
Brothers is gonna go for it?
729
00:28:41,800 --> 00:28:43,802
- Fingers crossed.
- (CHUCKLES) Yes.
730
00:28:43,960 --> 00:28:45,564
Hey. Good people.
731
00:28:45,640 --> 00:28:46,640
- Hi, honey.
- Hi.
732
00:28:46,680 --> 00:28:47,727
- Hello, you.
- Hi.
733
00:28:50,760 --> 00:28:52,125
You're really wet.
Look at you.
734
00:28:52,200 --> 00:28:53,840
Yeah. I should go put
on some dry clothes.
735
00:28:54,120 --> 00:28:56,168
Oh, um, I'm gonna,
uh, come with you
736
00:28:56,240 --> 00:28:58,322
'cause we gotta talk
about that... About, uh...
737
00:28:58,560 --> 00:28:59,721
- The thing.
- Yes, the thing.
738
00:28:59,840 --> 00:29:01,842
Totally. We have to
talk about a thing.
739
00:29:01,960 --> 00:29:03,007
Thank you.
740
00:29:03,160 --> 00:29:05,208
Jesus. Kill me.
741
00:29:06,680 --> 00:29:08,682
- Hey.
- Hello, pal.
742
00:29:09,000 --> 00:29:10,411
- Gentlemen.
- Hey, Howie.
743
00:29:10,680 --> 00:29:11,681
It's Howard.
744
00:29:12,600 --> 00:29:14,250
Just Howard.
745
00:29:15,000 --> 00:29:16,001
Sorry.
746
00:29:16,160 --> 00:29:17,920
You know what? I just
gave up a Super Soaker.
747
00:29:18,000 --> 00:29:19,411
Why don't you
get in there, bud?
748
00:29:19,520 --> 00:29:20,681
- Oh!
- Hmm.
749
00:29:20,760 --> 00:29:22,091
- Maybe I will.
- Yeah.
750
00:29:22,280 --> 00:29:23,486
I do enjoy Super Soakers.
751
00:29:23,560 --> 00:29:24,846
Yeah!
752
00:29:25,520 --> 00:29:27,921
You can see the difference
in personalities already.
753
00:29:28,000 --> 00:29:30,002
This one loves watermelon.
754
00:29:30,160 --> 00:29:31,969
This one's kind
of an asshole.
755
00:29:32,160 --> 00:29:34,288
I think everyone
had fun, right?
756
00:29:34,440 --> 00:29:36,010
Oh, totally.
It was great.
757
00:29:36,080 --> 00:29:37,206
What about Punit and Kia?
758
00:29:37,400 --> 00:29:38,401
Whoa!
759
00:29:38,600 --> 00:29:40,011
Kinda hate
each other, right?
760
00:29:40,120 --> 00:29:42,122
Sure seemed like it, yeah.
(PHONE CHIMES)
761
00:29:45,800 --> 00:29:47,006
"Enjoyed your video"?
762
00:30:13,200 --> 00:30:15,248
ANNIE:
Where's the pizza cutter?
763
00:30:16,640 --> 00:30:19,291
Babe, do you see the pizza
cutter out there anywhere?
764
00:30:20,400 --> 00:30:21,401
Um...
765
00:30:22,040 --> 00:30:23,041
Yes?
766
00:30:24,080 --> 00:30:25,081
ANNIE: Jay.
767
00:30:26,400 --> 00:30:28,243
Jay, the pizza cutter?
768
00:30:34,400 --> 00:30:35,765
JAY: It's yours.
769
00:30:35,880 --> 00:30:37,325
I have so many
of them. Enjoy.
770
00:30:39,880 --> 00:30:40,881
(CHUCKLES)
Wow.
771
00:30:43,400 --> 00:30:45,164
Fuck me.
772
00:30:47,040 --> 00:30:48,641
Honey, are there any
more plates outside?
773
00:30:48,680 --> 00:30:49,727
Just a second.
774
00:31:00,040 --> 00:31:01,280
JAY: Hello!
775
00:31:01,360 --> 00:31:02,566
ANNIE: Hi!
776
00:31:05,680 --> 00:31:07,091
Hello!
777
00:31:09,440 --> 00:31:10,521
Hello!
778
00:31:10,600 --> 00:31:11,965
- Honey...
- Fuck!
779
00:31:14,640 --> 00:31:16,881
That sweater nice, girl.
780
00:31:17,600 --> 00:31:18,726
Thanks.
781
00:31:20,080 --> 00:31:21,081
I...
782
00:31:22,280 --> 00:31:23,725
Was it... Did I...
783
00:31:25,120 --> 00:31:26,326
Could...
784
00:31:33,440 --> 00:31:35,363
What the hell is going on?
785
00:31:36,160 --> 00:31:37,286
Um...
786
00:31:38,160 --> 00:31:39,161
It's, uh...
787
00:31:42,160 --> 00:31:43,241
When...
788
00:31:50,000 --> 00:31:51,161
(SNIFFS)
789
00:31:51,320 --> 00:31:53,004
You know the cloud?
790
00:31:53,840 --> 00:31:54,840
So what you're saying
791
00:31:54,880 --> 00:31:57,042
is that instead of erasing the video
like you said that you would,
792
00:31:57,120 --> 00:31:58,770
you actually ended up
sending it
793
00:31:58,840 --> 00:32:00,842
to everyone that
you ever given
794
00:32:00,920 --> 00:32:02,763
one of those
fucking iPads to?
795
00:32:02,840 --> 00:32:05,002
- That is not at all what happened.
- No?
796
00:32:05,080 --> 00:32:07,606
Well, technically, yes!
It's exactly what happened.
797
00:32:07,680 --> 00:32:10,763
But it was so accidental,
it doesn't even qualify as...
798
00:32:10,840 --> 00:32:11,841
(GASPS)
799
00:32:13,200 --> 00:32:14,281
Thank you.
800
00:32:14,360 --> 00:32:15,361
Hank Rosenbaum!
801
00:32:15,440 --> 00:32:17,204
- What?
- The Piper Brothers guy!
802
00:32:17,320 --> 00:32:19,766
- You gave him one?
- Yes! I told you I needed one for work.
803
00:32:19,840 --> 00:32:21,444
I put my entire
presentation on it.
804
00:32:21,520 --> 00:32:22,601
You did?
805
00:32:22,680 --> 00:32:26,162
I'm supposed to be the model
Piper Brothers mother!
806
00:32:26,320 --> 00:32:28,004
Maybe he hasn't
seen it yet.
807
00:32:28,160 --> 00:32:30,527
As a matter of fact, Annie, I'm willing
to bet that none of these people
808
00:32:30,600 --> 00:32:32,728
have even noticed that the
video is on there yet.
809
00:32:32,800 --> 00:32:33,921
Except for this text, but...
810
00:32:36,160 --> 00:32:37,446
What text?
811
00:32:37,720 --> 00:32:39,449
I received a text.
812
00:32:39,560 --> 00:32:40,561
From who?
813
00:32:40,640 --> 00:32:41,721
It's unclear.
814
00:32:43,080 --> 00:32:44,320
(SIGHS)
815
00:32:47,680 --> 00:32:50,047
I'm not sure how to hurt
you right now, Jay.
816
00:32:50,200 --> 00:32:51,201
I know.
817
00:32:51,320 --> 00:32:52,840
- But let's take a deep breath.
- Shit!
818
00:32:52,880 --> 00:32:54,041
Come sit down next to me.
819
00:32:54,120 --> 00:32:55,804
Come sit down. Come here.
820
00:32:55,880 --> 00:32:56,961
Let's look at
821
00:32:57,040 --> 00:32:59,327
- what's actually happened.
- Okay.
822
00:32:59,480 --> 00:33:00,720
We made a video
823
00:33:00,880 --> 00:33:03,360
of ourselves having sex
824
00:33:03,520 --> 00:33:04,806
for about three hours,
825
00:33:04,920 --> 00:33:06,331
and it was amazing, right?
826
00:33:06,400 --> 00:33:07,811
- Yeah, no, it was great.
- Okay.
827
00:33:07,920 --> 00:33:10,491
And then you asked me
to erase it and I forgot.
828
00:33:10,880 --> 00:33:12,848
- You forgot?
- I forgot.
829
00:33:13,000 --> 00:33:14,490
And now our video
830
00:33:14,560 --> 00:33:17,723
has been synced
to several devices.
831
00:33:18,320 --> 00:33:21,051
All of which, though, are basically
in the possession of friends.
832
00:33:21,160 --> 00:33:22,844
- Oh, God.
- And acquaintances.
833
00:33:22,920 --> 00:33:24,081
And the mailman.
834
00:33:24,720 --> 00:33:25,767
Oh, God!
835
00:33:25,920 --> 00:33:27,285
Who sent you
that text, Jay?
836
00:33:27,400 --> 00:33:28,481
I don't know.
I don't know, Annie.
837
00:33:28,560 --> 00:33:29,846
Did you call the number?
838
00:33:29,920 --> 00:33:32,890
That is actually
a really good idea.
839
00:33:33,040 --> 00:33:34,769
Oh, my God.
840
00:33:37,240 --> 00:33:39,049
OPERATOR: Your call
has been forwarded...
841
00:33:40,240 --> 00:33:41,765
- Voice mail!
- Okay, oh.
842
00:33:42,920 --> 00:33:44,763
Hi, this is Jay Hargrove.
843
00:33:45,280 --> 00:33:46,486
Could you give me
a call back
844
00:33:46,560 --> 00:33:48,528
at your earliest
convenience, please?
845
00:33:48,760 --> 00:33:51,366
I believe you have
the number. Bye.
846
00:33:53,800 --> 00:33:54,847
That's it?
847
00:33:54,920 --> 00:33:56,410
What the hell else was I
supposed to say to the guy?
848
00:33:56,480 --> 00:33:58,209
"Who the fuck is this?"
849
00:33:58,280 --> 00:34:00,521
I wouldn't call back if someone
left that on my machine.
850
00:34:00,640 --> 00:34:03,644
Okay, we have to get
these iPads back right now.
851
00:34:03,960 --> 00:34:05,121
(PHONE RINGS)
852
00:34:05,760 --> 00:34:06,761
Hello?
853
00:34:06,840 --> 00:34:08,569
- Hi, Mom!
- Hi, honey.
854
00:34:08,640 --> 00:34:10,122
Is there any chance
that you might be able
855
00:34:10,123 --> 00:34:13,388
to come and, um, watch the kids
for us, uh, like, right away?
856
00:34:13,640 --> 00:34:14,721
Right now?
857
00:34:14,800 --> 00:34:16,484
We really need you to,
like, right away
858
00:34:16,560 --> 00:34:17,971
if you could come over.
859
00:34:18,040 --> 00:34:19,530
Why, I suppose.
860
00:34:19,640 --> 00:34:21,688
- Thanks, Mom. That's so great. Thanks.
- (MOUTHING) Annie.
861
00:34:21,760 --> 00:34:22,841
Hold on a second. What?
862
00:34:22,920 --> 00:34:24,524
It might be worth
asking your mom,
863
00:34:25,280 --> 00:34:26,805
um, to bring her iPad.
864
00:34:26,880 --> 00:34:28,484
Are you kidding me?
865
00:34:29,240 --> 00:34:31,004
And could you
bring your iPad, too?
866
00:34:31,320 --> 00:34:33,129
- My iPad?
- Yeah.
867
00:34:33,280 --> 00:34:34,611
- Okay.
- Great, okay.
868
00:34:34,800 --> 00:34:36,520
- What are you not gonna forget?
- The iPad.
869
00:34:36,640 --> 00:34:38,961
So say goodbye, hang up
and then come right away.
870
00:34:39,240 --> 00:34:40,401
Okay. All right.
871
00:34:40,560 --> 00:34:42,608
- Can you hang up?
- Okay, honey.
872
00:34:43,400 --> 00:34:44,606
Okay, hang up now, Mom.
873
00:34:44,680 --> 00:34:46,091
Okay, say goodbye.
874
00:34:46,160 --> 00:34:47,241
Okay, hang up.
875
00:34:47,320 --> 00:34:49,322
- Bye.
- Okay, bye!
876
00:34:50,000 --> 00:34:51,081
Who else
has these things?
877
00:34:51,160 --> 00:34:52,161
Let's think about it.
878
00:34:52,360 --> 00:34:54,840
Robby, the mailman...
879
00:34:55,600 --> 00:34:57,762
Every time you say
"mailman," Jay,
880
00:34:58,080 --> 00:34:59,241
I'm just gonna hit you.
881
00:34:59,320 --> 00:35:00,446
You see, it was Christmas...
882
00:35:00,520 --> 00:35:01,567
I don't give a shit.
883
00:35:01,640 --> 00:35:05,486
Mailman, Robby, Hank,
my mother, and who else?
884
00:35:07,640 --> 00:35:08,687
(GASPS)
Oh, my God!
885
00:35:08,760 --> 00:35:09,761
Clive?
886
00:35:09,840 --> 00:35:11,683
ANNIE: May I see that for
a second, honey? Why?
887
00:35:11,760 --> 00:35:13,762
Just for a second.
I was using that!
888
00:35:13,880 --> 00:35:14,961
What the hell?
889
00:35:15,040 --> 00:35:16,121
I can't take any chances.
890
00:35:16,200 --> 00:35:17,645
Okay, kid!
Come on, Jay!
891
00:35:18,520 --> 00:35:21,126
Grandma's here for
some mysterious reason!
892
00:35:21,200 --> 00:35:22,804
Oh, my gosh!
Is that the iPad
893
00:35:22,880 --> 00:35:24,530
I gave you?
I love that iPad.
894
00:35:24,640 --> 00:35:26,563
- Can I borrow it?
- Why is Grandma here?
895
00:35:26,640 --> 00:35:28,961
Yay! Grandma!
896
00:35:29,040 --> 00:35:30,485
Okay. Grandma's gonna
watch you guys
897
00:35:30,560 --> 00:35:31,925
while Mommy
and Daddy go out.
898
00:35:32,000 --> 00:35:33,411
You guys can order
Chinese food.
899
00:35:33,560 --> 00:35:35,130
- CLIVE: I hate Chinese food.
- Okay. Then order a pizza.
900
00:35:35,200 --> 00:35:36,770
Once again,
enjoy this iPad.
901
00:35:36,840 --> 00:35:38,330
I had to make sure it
was working. Enjoy that.
902
00:35:38,400 --> 00:35:40,846
- Let's go! Thank you.
- What about my iPad?
903
00:35:40,920 --> 00:35:42,046
Thank you.
904
00:35:45,840 --> 00:35:50,448
Man. The construction on these
things is just unbelievable.
905
00:35:50,520 --> 00:35:52,124
Jay! Come on,
Jay, let's go!
906
00:35:52,200 --> 00:35:53,565
Let's go to Robby and Tess' house first!
Let's go!
907
00:35:53,640 --> 00:35:55,085
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Sorry! Got it!
908
00:35:58,400 --> 00:36:00,164
ANNIE: So I'm just
trying to understand
909
00:36:00,240 --> 00:36:02,004
why it is that you
don't erase these things
910
00:36:02,080 --> 00:36:03,809
before you give
them to people.
911
00:36:03,880 --> 00:36:05,041
I have amazing playlists
912
00:36:05,120 --> 00:36:06,610
and people want them.
That's the gift.
913
00:36:06,680 --> 00:36:08,200
The gift is the playlist,
not the iPad.
914
00:36:08,240 --> 00:36:11,687
When I update my music library,
it syncs to their iPads.
915
00:36:11,760 --> 00:36:14,491
I use an app called Frankensync
to sync the playlists.
916
00:36:14,560 --> 00:36:16,403
I upgraded
to this new app,
917
00:36:16,480 --> 00:36:18,005
Bride of Frankensync,
918
00:36:18,080 --> 00:36:21,289
and now, apparently,
it syncs all of my shit
919
00:36:21,560 --> 00:36:24,166
to everywhere 'cause it's
a very powerful app!
920
00:36:24,240 --> 00:36:27,449
How do you forget to
erase your sex tape?
921
00:36:27,520 --> 00:36:29,204
It kept slipping my mind
922
00:36:29,280 --> 00:36:31,362
and then, the next thing
I knew, it went up!
923
00:36:31,520 --> 00:36:33,010
It went up to the cloud!
924
00:36:33,080 --> 00:36:34,525
And you can't get it
down from the cloud?
925
00:36:34,600 --> 00:36:35,761
Nobody understands
the cloud!
926
00:36:36,400 --> 00:36:37,731
It's a fucking mystery!
927
00:36:38,800 --> 00:36:41,201
Look, all that's happened
here is there's been a very
928
00:36:41,280 --> 00:36:42,884
minor syncing mishap.
929
00:36:42,960 --> 00:36:44,200
This is not minor!
930
00:36:44,280 --> 00:36:46,726
And I wish that you would
just admit that you fucked up
931
00:36:46,800 --> 00:36:49,451
instead of trying to convince
me that this isn't a big deal
932
00:36:49,560 --> 00:36:51,164
'cause it is a big deal.
933
00:36:51,240 --> 00:36:52,571
You know what, Annie?
934
00:36:52,640 --> 00:36:54,005
I'm on there, too.
935
00:36:54,080 --> 00:36:56,082
Oh, who gives a shit?
Nobody cares about you.
936
00:36:56,160 --> 00:36:57,889
Nobody wants to watch
you having sex.
937
00:36:57,960 --> 00:37:00,201
You said it yourself.
Nobody cares about the guy!
938
00:37:00,320 --> 00:37:03,001
It's the woman that has to live with
it forever. (CELL PHONE CHIMES)
939
00:37:03,880 --> 00:37:06,201
- Who is it?
- "Guess who?" Smiley face.
940
00:37:06,360 --> 00:37:07,560
- Who the fuck is this?
- Fuck!
941
00:37:08,720 --> 00:37:11,371
It's gotta be Tess.
It's gotta be Tess.
942
00:37:11,480 --> 00:37:12,891
- You think?
- Yeah!
943
00:37:13,000 --> 00:37:16,288
With the whole "XOXO smiley face" thing?
Yeah. It's Tess.
944
00:37:16,480 --> 00:37:18,084
Right, is that really
a Tess thing,
945
00:37:18,160 --> 00:37:21,164
or is that more of like a,
uh, very, very common thing?
946
00:37:21,240 --> 00:37:22,890
No, it's a Tess thing.
947
00:37:22,960 --> 00:37:24,849
She must just be
joking around.
948
00:37:24,920 --> 00:37:28,049
Except her number is in my
phone so it would say, "Tess."
949
00:37:28,120 --> 00:37:30,487
Well, maybe
she got a new phone.
950
00:37:30,600 --> 00:37:31,931
She probably saw
what it was
951
00:37:32,000 --> 00:37:33,923
and stopped watching it
immediately
952
00:37:34,000 --> 00:37:36,162
because she has so much
respect for our privacy.
953
00:37:36,480 --> 00:37:37,845
This makes perfect sense.
954
00:37:38,280 --> 00:37:39,770
Right. Okay.
955
00:37:39,920 --> 00:37:41,763
Okay, great. It's Tess.
956
00:37:41,920 --> 00:37:43,285
- I'd buy it.
- Yeah.
957
00:37:43,360 --> 00:37:45,442
She picks up the iPad, sees
there's a sex tape on there,
958
00:37:45,520 --> 00:37:48,330
pushes play, it's us,
immediately stopped it,
959
00:37:48,400 --> 00:37:50,129
- 'cause she respects us.
- Yes.
960
00:37:50,200 --> 00:37:51,964
Then she went out and got a new
phone and a new phone number.
961
00:37:52,080 --> 00:37:53,081
Yeah.
962
00:37:53,160 --> 00:37:54,525
So do you think that means
Robby has seen it, too?
963
00:37:54,600 --> 00:37:56,762
Well, if he's seen it, you're gonna
have to get a new best friend.
964
00:37:56,840 --> 00:37:59,047
We're just gonna cut Robby
and Tess out of our lives?
965
00:37:59,200 --> 00:38:02,647
Yeah, that's right. And if the
mailman has seen it, we're movin'.
966
00:38:09,760 --> 00:38:12,206
(GASPS) Wait.
What if it's not Tess?
967
00:38:12,280 --> 00:38:13,964
Okay, look. We're just
gonna feel this out,
968
00:38:14,040 --> 00:38:15,201
and if it doesn't
seem like it's her,
969
00:38:15,240 --> 00:38:17,163
- we just don't say anything at all.
- Okay? Of course.
970
00:38:17,240 --> 00:38:19,561
No, no. They do not need
to know about this. Okay?
971
00:38:19,680 --> 00:38:21,125
Babe, it's gonna be
pretty easy
972
00:38:21,200 --> 00:38:23,168
to tell if they've
seen it or not.
973
00:38:23,840 --> 00:38:25,001
(DOORBELL RINGING)
974
00:38:26,520 --> 00:38:28,648
(MUFFLED TALKING)
(RINGING CONTINUES)
975
00:38:30,800 --> 00:38:31,881
Hey!
976
00:38:31,960 --> 00:38:33,246
- Hey.
- Hey!
977
00:38:33,720 --> 00:38:34,721
What's going on?
978
00:38:36,320 --> 00:38:37,446
What's going on
with you?
979
00:38:38,080 --> 00:38:40,731
Nothing. Nothing.
Just hanging out.
980
00:38:41,480 --> 00:38:43,005
It's our anniversary,
actually,
981
00:38:43,080 --> 00:38:45,242
so Marta took Howard
to a movie
982
00:38:45,320 --> 00:38:46,526
and we're just, uh,
983
00:38:46,600 --> 00:38:49,410
hanging out,
watching some...
984
00:38:50,560 --> 00:38:52,642
Hey! What are you
guys doing here?
985
00:38:52,720 --> 00:38:54,085
- Hey.
- Hey.
986
00:38:54,240 --> 00:38:56,811
We're so sorry to
drop by like this
987
00:38:56,880 --> 00:38:58,325
on your anniversary
and all.
988
00:38:58,440 --> 00:39:01,091
Yeah, why didn't you guys mention
it was your anniversary?
989
00:39:01,280 --> 00:39:04,489
- Uh, cause it's our 12th anniversary?
- Yeah.
990
00:39:04,560 --> 00:39:08,121
Like, who cares, right?
So... (CHUCKLING)
991
00:39:08,240 --> 00:39:09,401
You guys wanna come in?
992
00:39:14,880 --> 00:39:15,881
Or not.
993
00:39:17,400 --> 00:39:18,686
What were you guys
watching?
994
00:39:22,120 --> 00:39:23,690
(SIGHS)
Um... (CHUCKLES)
995
00:39:25,120 --> 00:39:27,361
- This is really embarrassing.
- Yeah.
996
00:39:27,520 --> 00:39:29,124
Just tell us what
you guys were watching.
997
00:39:29,200 --> 00:39:31,320
- Yeah. It's not a big deal.
- What were you watching?
998
00:39:33,440 --> 00:39:34,805
Okay, all right,
all right.
999
00:39:34,880 --> 00:39:36,644
We're watching the first
season of Breaking Bad.
1000
00:39:36,720 --> 00:39:38,370
TESS: It's really
embarrassing
1001
00:39:38,480 --> 00:39:39,561
how far behind we are.
1002
00:39:39,640 --> 00:39:41,080
- ANNIE: That's a great show.
- Yeah.
1003
00:39:41,120 --> 00:39:42,531
You guys really
are far behind.
1004
00:39:42,640 --> 00:39:43,801
- That's all right.
- Don't tell us what happens!
1005
00:39:43,960 --> 00:39:45,007
Hey, while we're here,
1006
00:39:45,080 --> 00:39:46,764
remember that iPad
I gave you?
1007
00:39:47,000 --> 00:39:48,047
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
1008
00:39:48,800 --> 00:39:50,131
I need that back.
1009
00:39:50,760 --> 00:39:51,886
Oh, uh...
1010
00:39:52,280 --> 00:39:54,044
Okay. Oh, was that why you...
1011
00:39:54,160 --> 00:39:55,400
Is that why you
came here
1012
00:39:55,480 --> 00:39:57,482
to our house,
to get your iPad back?
1013
00:39:59,160 --> 00:40:00,400
- Well...
- Um...
1014
00:40:02,320 --> 00:40:04,084
I have some stuff on it
that I need.
1015
00:40:04,160 --> 00:40:05,844
What? Dirty pictures
or something?
1016
00:40:06,480 --> 00:40:08,244
(CHUCKLES) You guys
make a sex tape?
1017
00:40:09,120 --> 00:40:10,485
Did you guys watch it?
1018
00:40:13,680 --> 00:40:15,125
I was kidding.
1019
00:40:16,480 --> 00:40:18,323
(QUIETLY)
What the fuck?
1020
00:40:19,160 --> 00:40:21,367
And then Jay received
this text that said,
1021
00:40:21,480 --> 00:40:24,848
"Loved your video. Thanks
for sharing. XOXO."
1022
00:40:24,920 --> 00:40:26,888
And you thought
that was from me?
1023
00:40:26,960 --> 00:40:28,200
Well, it sounded like you.
1024
00:40:28,320 --> 00:40:30,920
I don't think if I'd seen your sex
tape, I would have done "XOXO."
1025
00:40:31,400 --> 00:40:33,004
I was hoping
it was you...
1026
00:40:33,080 --> 00:40:34,491
Because if it wasn't me,
then who is it?
1027
00:40:34,560 --> 00:40:35,846
No, I get it. I get it.
1028
00:40:36,000 --> 00:40:38,844
Um... Could we back up
for just a second?
1029
00:40:40,240 --> 00:40:41,890
So you taped yourself
having sex for three hours?
1030
00:40:42,000 --> 00:40:43,161
Yes.
1031
00:40:44,200 --> 00:40:45,645
Why did you do that?
1032
00:40:46,200 --> 00:40:47,565
Never mind.
1033
00:40:47,840 --> 00:40:50,127
- Who has sex for three hours?
- We did.
1034
00:40:50,200 --> 00:40:53,044
That's the length of the movie Lincoln.
You did the full Lincoln.
1035
00:40:54,240 --> 00:40:56,371
Well, guys, I'm sorry,
you know,
1036
00:40:56,380 --> 00:40:58,023
but I'm not the one
who sent that text.
1037
00:40:58,040 --> 00:41:00,327
- God, this isn't happening.
- Oh...
1038
00:41:00,400 --> 00:41:02,641
Oh, okay, uh, (SIGHS)
who else has these things?
1039
00:41:02,720 --> 00:41:05,007
You guys, the mailman...
1040
00:41:06,200 --> 00:41:07,486
Hank Rosenbaum.
1041
00:41:07,560 --> 00:41:09,483
- Piper Brothers guy?
- Yes!
1042
00:41:09,560 --> 00:41:10,925
Oh, the guy that wants
to buy your blog?
1043
00:41:11,000 --> 00:41:12,843
And who's very concerned
about my image.
1044
00:41:12,920 --> 00:41:13,921
Okay, I'm an idiot!
1045
00:41:14,000 --> 00:41:15,525
- No! Come on!
- You messed up.
1046
00:41:15,600 --> 00:41:16,601
No.
1047
00:41:16,760 --> 00:41:18,000
He is. Let him have that.
1048
00:41:18,200 --> 00:41:19,361
I would have killed you.
1049
00:41:19,440 --> 00:41:21,329
Oh, I mean, if you had thought
about it for a second,
1050
00:41:21,400 --> 00:41:23,846
you'd know to just
password-protect your shit.
1051
00:41:23,960 --> 00:41:25,007
I would have killed
you in your sleep.
1052
00:41:25,080 --> 00:41:26,366
Or just fucking delete it.
1053
00:41:26,440 --> 00:41:28,010
Oh, my God. Wait!
1054
00:41:28,080 --> 00:41:29,161
- Wait a minute!
- What?
1055
00:41:29,240 --> 00:41:30,969
My sister is his florist!
1056
00:41:31,040 --> 00:41:33,247
Oh, my God, do you think
she knows where he lives?
1057
00:41:33,320 --> 00:41:35,368
Yeah, I think she's been to his house.
She's his florist!
1058
00:41:35,440 --> 00:41:36,441
Hold on.
What's the plan here?
1059
00:41:36,520 --> 00:41:37,806
We're just gonna show up
at this guy's house?
1060
00:41:37,880 --> 00:41:39,689
Yeah! And we're coming with you!
1061
00:41:39,760 --> 00:41:41,250
Oh, my God. It'll be a fun night!
We have a sitter!
1062
00:41:41,360 --> 00:41:43,010
- I'll call Rochelle.
- Yeah!
1063
00:41:45,080 --> 00:41:48,402
Hey, my sister thought the every
position thing was a great idea!
1064
00:41:48,480 --> 00:41:50,369
You told your sister?
What is up?
1065
00:41:50,440 --> 00:41:52,880
TESS: Big supporter of you. Well,
I thought she'd be thrilled.
1066
00:41:52,920 --> 00:41:53,921
Hey,
1067
00:41:54,520 --> 00:41:55,521
iPad.
1068
00:41:55,600 --> 00:41:57,284
Yeah, yeah.
Boy, what a mess.
1069
00:41:57,360 --> 00:41:58,930
No. Can I have it?
1070
00:41:59,720 --> 00:42:00,721
Huh?
1071
00:42:01,680 --> 00:42:03,523
- The iPad.
- Yeah.
1072
00:42:04,240 --> 00:42:05,526
You came over here
to get it.
1073
00:42:05,600 --> 00:42:07,364
I need the iPad, please.
1074
00:42:07,440 --> 00:42:08,720
What if I can't
get it right now?
1075
00:42:08,760 --> 00:42:10,000
Just give me the iPad.
1076
00:42:10,080 --> 00:42:12,208
- What if I just erase the video myself?
- Dude.
1077
00:42:12,280 --> 00:42:14,481
Okay. You're gonna have to
give me all that music again.
1078
00:42:14,560 --> 00:42:16,927
- Dude!
- Oh, fine! Jeez!
1079
00:42:21,520 --> 00:42:23,124
Did you just pull
this out of your pants?
1080
00:42:24,880 --> 00:42:25,881
Yeah.
1081
00:42:26,040 --> 00:42:27,371
I feel like a second ago,
1082
00:42:27,480 --> 00:42:29,687
you said you couldn't
remember where it was.
1083
00:42:30,280 --> 00:42:31,486
I forgot.
1084
00:42:32,920 --> 00:42:34,160
Fair enough.
1085
00:42:35,000 --> 00:42:36,604
It's an easy mistake to make.
Okay.
1086
00:42:41,960 --> 00:42:43,291
TESS: So, what are we
gonna do?
1087
00:42:43,360 --> 00:42:44,885
ROBBY: Yeah.
What's the plan, gang?
1088
00:42:44,960 --> 00:42:46,883
Should we pretend
we have a flat,
1089
00:42:47,000 --> 00:42:48,764
and none of us
had our cell phones?
1090
00:42:48,840 --> 00:42:51,286
We knock. You're like, "Hank!
What a surprise!"
1091
00:42:51,360 --> 00:42:53,328
TESS: Yes. And then I
jump in and I say,
1092
00:42:53,400 --> 00:42:55,289
"Hi. I'm your
florist's sister, Tess."
1093
00:42:55,360 --> 00:42:56,850
Feel like this is just
1094
00:42:56,920 --> 00:42:58,888
a super weird way
to spend your anniversary.
1095
00:42:58,960 --> 00:43:00,669
For a 12th anniversary,
I think it's pretty solid.
1096
00:43:00,694 --> 00:43:01,430
ANNIE: You know what?
1097
00:43:01,480 --> 00:43:03,528
You guys stay in the car.
It's our mess.
1098
00:43:03,640 --> 00:43:05,210
We can go clean it up.
Right, babe?
1099
00:43:05,280 --> 00:43:07,169
I think we'd really like
to be part of the plan.
1100
00:43:07,240 --> 00:43:08,571
Let us participate.
1101
00:43:08,640 --> 00:43:09,926
Guys, we're gonna be
in and out up there.
1102
00:43:10,000 --> 00:43:11,286
We're gonna knock
on the door.
1103
00:43:11,400 --> 00:43:13,289
Yes, it'll be a little
awkward at first.
1104
00:43:13,400 --> 00:43:15,164
But I really think
it'll be fine.
1105
00:43:18,400 --> 00:43:19,890
Okay, so this is what
we're gonna do.
1106
00:43:19,960 --> 00:43:22,406
I'll distract him, you say you
have to go to the bathroom,
1107
00:43:22,480 --> 00:43:25,165
and then you search the house for the iPad.
Good? Okay, let's go.
1108
00:43:25,240 --> 00:43:27,368
Annie. Annie, can you
hold on one second?
1109
00:43:27,440 --> 00:43:28,601
Get up here.
That house is huge.
1110
00:43:28,680 --> 00:43:30,364
We'll tell him
you have diarrhea.
1111
00:43:30,720 --> 00:43:32,165
First of all,
that's embarrassing.
1112
00:43:32,240 --> 00:43:34,641
And second of all, who tells
someone that they have diarrhea?
1113
00:43:34,720 --> 00:43:35,960
Food poisoning.
1114
00:43:36,040 --> 00:43:38,327
Okay. How about I distract him
and you have the food poisoning?
1115
00:43:38,400 --> 00:43:39,447
Uh, no. I am not gonna
have food poisoning.
1116
00:43:39,520 --> 00:43:40,965
You're gonna have
food poisoning.
1117
00:43:41,040 --> 00:43:42,644
The person who
forgets to erase
1118
00:43:42,720 --> 00:43:44,131
the sex tape
has food poisoning.
1119
00:43:44,200 --> 00:43:45,565
It's in the book.
1120
00:43:48,640 --> 00:43:50,608
- Annie!
- Oh...
1121
00:43:50,880 --> 00:43:52,166
Well, I'll be!
1122
00:43:52,240 --> 00:43:53,651
Hank? Hey!
1123
00:43:53,720 --> 00:43:55,563
- What a surprise.
- This is so crazy.
1124
00:43:55,640 --> 00:43:56,766
You live here?
1125
00:43:56,840 --> 00:43:59,605
I'm sorry. I'm lost.
You two know each other?
1126
00:43:59,680 --> 00:44:01,728
This is Hank, honey. Remember
I was telling you about Hank?
1127
00:44:01,800 --> 00:44:03,006
Hank Rosenbaum?
1128
00:44:03,080 --> 00:44:04,206
Hank Rosenbaum!
1129
00:44:04,280 --> 00:44:05,406
This is my husband, Jay.
1130
00:44:05,480 --> 00:44:07,642
Jay. The famous Jay.
1131
00:44:07,800 --> 00:44:09,802
In the flesh. It's a
pleasure to meet you.
1132
00:44:09,880 --> 00:44:11,086
- Likewise.
- ANNIE: Wow!
1133
00:44:11,160 --> 00:44:13,686
What a crazy coincidence,
honey. Right? Wow.
1134
00:44:13,760 --> 00:44:15,569
We were just randomly
in the neighborhood.
1135
00:44:15,640 --> 00:44:18,325
We've been knocking
on doors trying to, uh,
1136
00:44:18,400 --> 00:44:20,164
collect money
for a charity.
1137
00:44:20,240 --> 00:44:21,321
What charity?
1138
00:44:21,400 --> 00:44:24,244
- Uh, it's for, um... Charity for...
- For kids.
1139
00:44:24,320 --> 00:44:27,005
Yeah, for kids
that have, um,
1140
00:44:27,080 --> 00:44:28,320
oversized...
1141
00:44:28,480 --> 00:44:29,527
- Kidneys.
- Kidneys.
1142
00:44:29,840 --> 00:44:30,887
JAY: They got these
1143
00:44:31,480 --> 00:44:33,050
enormous kidneys.
1144
00:44:33,160 --> 00:44:34,207
It's so sad.
1145
00:44:34,240 --> 00:44:34,762
You have to see it.
1146
00:44:34,787 --> 00:44:36,187
ANNIE: So we're just
trying to help them out.
1147
00:44:36,240 --> 00:44:38,049
(WITH BRITISH ACCENT)
"Hey, Dad. Da."
1148
00:44:38,120 --> 00:44:40,088
"What is this bulge
in me back, Da?"
1149
00:44:41,320 --> 00:44:43,721
"That's your kidney, son.
Get on with it."
1150
00:44:43,800 --> 00:44:45,564
They're, uh,
British orphans.
1151
00:44:45,640 --> 00:44:48,484
Yeah, so we're just out to try
to raise some money for it.
1152
00:44:48,600 --> 00:44:52,241
Anyhow, would you possibly
want to contribute?
1153
00:44:53,360 --> 00:44:56,045
Yes. Please. Come in.
I will get my checkbook.
1154
00:44:56,120 --> 00:44:58,600
Thanks. That's just
so generous of you.
1155
00:44:58,720 --> 00:45:01,485
Hey, do you think that Jay
could use your bathroom?
1156
00:45:01,600 --> 00:45:03,967
- Because he has diarrhea.
- Oh.
1157
00:45:04,280 --> 00:45:06,567
Food poisoning. He has
the shits, as they say.
1158
00:45:07,520 --> 00:45:09,966
Oh, sure, it's right
down the hall. Go crazy.
1159
00:45:10,120 --> 00:45:11,121
Thank you.
1160
00:45:11,400 --> 00:45:12,401
Mmm.
1161
00:45:12,520 --> 00:45:14,921
Oh, well, come on in and
make yourself comfortable.
1162
00:45:15,000 --> 00:45:16,081
Oh, thank you.
1163
00:45:21,920 --> 00:45:24,207
Wow! It's a really
lovely house.
1164
00:45:24,280 --> 00:45:25,850
Oh, thank you.
Put on some music.
1165
00:45:25,920 --> 00:45:27,888
Sure. Wow!
1166
00:45:28,000 --> 00:45:30,128
(HEAVY METAL BLARING)
Shit! Fuck!
1167
00:45:31,400 --> 00:45:32,640
What the fuck?
1168
00:45:36,120 --> 00:45:37,963
Would you like
something to drink?
1169
00:45:39,320 --> 00:45:40,321
What?
1170
00:45:40,480 --> 00:45:44,201
I'm sorry. Let me turn
this down so we can talk.
1171
00:45:44,320 --> 00:45:45,731
(MUSIC VOLUME DECREASES)
1172
00:45:45,960 --> 00:45:47,803
Can I get you
something to drink?
1173
00:45:48,680 --> 00:45:49,920
Sure.
1174
00:45:50,080 --> 00:45:51,445
Schlomit and the kids
are away,
1175
00:45:51,560 --> 00:45:53,847
so I'm just spreading
my wings.
1176
00:45:54,000 --> 00:45:55,923
Drinking some scotch.
1177
00:45:56,000 --> 00:45:57,001
Ah.
1178
00:45:57,080 --> 00:45:58,844
- HANK: Fifty years old.
- Yeah.
1179
00:45:59,120 --> 00:46:00,690
The good stuff.
1180
00:46:04,840 --> 00:46:06,922
Here's to our
bright future together.
1181
00:46:07,680 --> 00:46:09,011
Whatever it may hold.
1182
00:46:17,400 --> 00:46:21,166
Wow. That's a really,
uh, interesting painting.
1183
00:46:21,240 --> 00:46:22,446
Do you like it?
1184
00:46:22,520 --> 00:46:23,646
Yeah.
1185
00:46:24,080 --> 00:46:25,650
I had it commissioned.
1186
00:46:26,600 --> 00:46:28,921
It's a moment from
the movie The Lion King.
1187
00:46:29,080 --> 00:46:32,004
Except it's me
in place of Rafiki.
1188
00:46:32,160 --> 00:46:34,128
So, that's me
1189
00:46:35,120 --> 00:46:37,361
presenting Simba
to all of the creatures
1190
00:46:37,480 --> 00:46:40,086
from the Pride Lands
to behold.
1191
00:46:42,160 --> 00:46:44,003
It's beautiful.
1192
00:46:44,160 --> 00:46:45,491
Thank you.
1193
00:46:46,120 --> 00:46:47,246
You know what?
1194
00:46:47,320 --> 00:46:49,240
I'm gonna put on something
a little more festive.
1195
00:46:51,720 --> 00:46:54,405
(HIP-HOP SONG PLAYING)
1196
00:47:01,640 --> 00:47:02,641
(PANTS)
1197
00:47:02,720 --> 00:47:04,484
(GROWLS)
1198
00:47:06,040 --> 00:47:07,451
(DOG SNARLING)
1199
00:47:08,200 --> 00:47:09,247
Hi.
1200
00:47:09,920 --> 00:47:11,809
(GROWLING)
Hey, hey, little guy.
1201
00:47:15,280 --> 00:47:16,281
(BARKS)
1202
00:47:16,440 --> 00:47:17,487
Stay.
1203
00:47:18,120 --> 00:47:19,201
Stay!
1204
00:47:24,520 --> 00:47:25,646
Sit!
(SNARLING)
1205
00:47:26,520 --> 00:47:27,521
HANK: You seem,
1206
00:47:27,600 --> 00:47:30,126
I don't know,
nervous.
1207
00:47:30,360 --> 00:47:32,488
It's just a little awkward
showing up at your house
1208
00:47:32,560 --> 00:47:34,528
and asking you
for a donation, is all.
1209
00:47:34,640 --> 00:47:36,324
I'm glad you're here.
1210
00:47:36,640 --> 00:47:38,642
I could use the company.
1211
00:47:40,760 --> 00:47:42,000
Wow!
1212
00:47:42,960 --> 00:47:44,086
I know.
1213
00:47:44,480 --> 00:47:45,720
(DOG SNARLING)
1214
00:47:58,520 --> 00:48:00,488
No, no, no!
Please! No! No!
1215
00:48:00,560 --> 00:48:02,085
No! Stay!
1216
00:48:02,160 --> 00:48:03,161
Heel!
1217
00:48:04,920 --> 00:48:06,365
I was hoping that
we would get a chance
1218
00:48:06,440 --> 00:48:07,566
to get to know
each other.
1219
00:48:07,640 --> 00:48:10,564
Mmm. Me, too. What a
wonderful coincidence.
1220
00:48:10,640 --> 00:48:12,210
There's no such
thing as coincidence.
1221
00:48:12,280 --> 00:48:13,645
That's what Schlomit
always says.
1222
00:48:14,840 --> 00:48:16,285
Oh, is this your family?
1223
00:48:16,360 --> 00:48:18,488
Yeah. That's all of us
at Aspen.
1224
00:48:19,120 --> 00:48:20,406
There's Schlo and, uh,
1225
00:48:20,480 --> 00:48:22,369
my son, Benyamin,
and Sarah.
1226
00:48:22,440 --> 00:48:23,487
They're very sweet.
1227
00:48:24,000 --> 00:48:25,240
(GROWLING)
(SCREAMS)
1228
00:48:27,960 --> 00:48:29,291
No! No!
1229
00:48:29,360 --> 00:48:30,441
Help!
1230
00:48:30,840 --> 00:48:31,921
Hank!
1231
00:48:32,000 --> 00:48:34,082
No! Not my face!
Not my face!
1232
00:48:34,160 --> 00:48:35,161
Help!
1233
00:48:46,440 --> 00:48:47,487
(GASPS)
1234
00:48:48,960 --> 00:48:50,485
I didn't wanna do that.
1235
00:48:51,800 --> 00:48:53,560
Fuck with me, you're
gonna get hit by a book.
1236
00:48:53,600 --> 00:48:55,682
That's what's gonna happen.
1237
00:48:59,040 --> 00:49:00,280
(DOG GROWLING)
1238
00:49:02,480 --> 00:49:04,608
You gotta be
fucking kidding me.
1239
00:49:04,680 --> 00:49:05,886
(GROWLING)
(DOOR RATTLING)
1240
00:49:06,400 --> 00:49:07,640
(GROWLING)
1241
00:49:07,720 --> 00:49:09,404
You know, it's funny.
1242
00:49:09,480 --> 00:49:12,962
When the family's away you find
yourself thinking about things
1243
00:49:13,040 --> 00:49:15,691
that you don't think
about all the time.
1244
00:49:15,760 --> 00:49:16,966
I bet.
1245
00:49:17,040 --> 00:49:19,088
You think about
who you were,
1246
00:49:19,160 --> 00:49:20,207
and who you've become.
1247
00:49:20,480 --> 00:49:21,606
Mmm.
1248
00:49:22,400 --> 00:49:23,925
Would you like to
do some cocaine?
1249
00:49:25,040 --> 00:49:26,121
I'm sorry?
1250
00:49:26,400 --> 00:49:28,528
I'm just doin' some blow
while the family's away.
1251
00:49:28,600 --> 00:49:29,647
Would you like a bump?
1252
00:49:31,480 --> 00:49:34,609
No, I don't think
that's really, um...
1253
00:49:35,120 --> 00:49:36,201
I see.
1254
00:49:36,960 --> 00:49:38,803
I mean, not that
I have a problem with...
1255
00:49:38,880 --> 00:49:40,530
I mean, I do have a...
1256
00:49:41,640 --> 00:49:44,325
Is this some sort...
It's a test?
1257
00:49:44,680 --> 00:49:45,761
(LAUGHS)
1258
00:49:46,240 --> 00:49:48,163
Oh, okay, I see
what's happening here.
1259
00:49:48,240 --> 00:49:51,403
You're thinking about all that
talk about Piper Brothers values.
1260
00:49:51,480 --> 00:49:53,164
But if you think
situationally,
1261
00:49:53,240 --> 00:49:55,481
friendship is
a Piper Brothers value.
1262
00:49:55,560 --> 00:49:56,721
One of the big ones.
1263
00:49:56,960 --> 00:49:58,724
And that's all
that's happening here.
1264
00:49:58,800 --> 00:50:01,451
We're just hanging around,
getting to know one other,
1265
00:50:01,560 --> 00:50:02,925
and doin' some rails.
1266
00:50:03,720 --> 00:50:04,767
Uh-huh.
1267
00:50:05,080 --> 00:50:07,526
But if that's
not your thing...
1268
00:50:09,480 --> 00:50:10,811
Well, uh...
1269
00:50:11,320 --> 00:50:13,288
Okay. Right.
1270
00:50:13,520 --> 00:50:14,960
Better make sure
that Jay's not lost.
1271
00:50:15,000 --> 00:50:17,446
No, no, no! He's fine.
Let's do cocaine!
1272
00:50:18,080 --> 00:50:19,127
Super!
1273
00:50:23,240 --> 00:50:24,241
(BARKING)
1274
00:50:35,200 --> 00:50:36,281
Oh, shit!
1275
00:50:40,320 --> 00:50:41,526
Are you okay?
1276
00:50:42,960 --> 00:50:44,246
(SNORTS)
1277
00:50:46,160 --> 00:50:47,207
Wow!
1278
00:50:47,480 --> 00:50:49,130
(LAUGHING)
Wow!
1279
00:50:49,280 --> 00:50:52,762
See? That's what I'm saying.
We get older and we forget.
1280
00:50:52,840 --> 00:50:55,730
People, they stop doing the
things that they love.
1281
00:50:55,800 --> 00:50:57,962
And for some people,
it could be surfing.
1282
00:50:58,040 --> 00:51:00,042
For some people,
it could be traveling.
1283
00:51:00,160 --> 00:51:01,924
For me,
it's gettin' high
1284
00:51:02,000 --> 00:51:03,650
and listen' to
freakin' Slayer.
1285
00:51:03,720 --> 00:51:06,929
That just, like,
blows my mind
1286
00:51:07,040 --> 00:51:08,610
that that's what
it is for you.
1287
00:51:08,680 --> 00:51:10,523
- But that's your point.
- That's my point.
1288
00:51:10,600 --> 00:51:12,523
'Cause it's so
small-minded of me
1289
00:51:12,600 --> 00:51:14,204
- to assume anything.
- Right?
1290
00:51:14,280 --> 00:51:15,805
Because I don't know you.
You don't know me.
1291
00:51:15,880 --> 00:51:17,769
I don't know you. Yeah.
You know the idea of me.
1292
00:51:17,840 --> 00:51:19,683
The CEO that controls
your future.
1293
00:51:19,760 --> 00:51:21,000
- But that's not me.
- No.
1294
00:51:21,080 --> 00:51:23,651
And it's like you, I'm sure there are
things about you that nobody knows.
1295
00:51:23,720 --> 00:51:25,165
Fuck yeah, there are.
1296
00:51:25,240 --> 00:51:26,924
- Can I show you something?
- Yeah!
1297
00:51:27,960 --> 00:51:28,961
Whoa.
1298
00:51:29,040 --> 00:51:31,247
Piper Brothers, 75 years.
1299
00:51:31,320 --> 00:51:32,765
But very few people
know about that.
1300
00:51:32,840 --> 00:51:33,841
Whoa!
1301
00:51:34,000 --> 00:51:35,240
And there's more.
1302
00:51:38,000 --> 00:51:39,047
Eazy-E!
1303
00:51:40,840 --> 00:51:42,365
I miss him every day.
1304
00:51:42,440 --> 00:51:44,124
That's so touching.
Did you know him?
1305
00:51:44,200 --> 00:51:47,727
Annie, it's like... It's just...
Lotta parts up in me.
1306
00:51:48,080 --> 00:51:49,081
(SNORTS)
1307
00:51:51,560 --> 00:51:52,686
Wake up!
1308
00:51:53,600 --> 00:51:56,001
Wake up, you fuckin'
cocksucker!
1309
00:52:06,880 --> 00:52:07,881
(PHONE BEEPS)
1310
00:52:08,280 --> 00:52:13,081
Siri, how do you perform
CPR on a dog?
1311
00:52:13,200 --> 00:52:16,647
(PHONE CHIMES) SIRI: I found
four places named "Starbucks."
1312
00:52:16,800 --> 00:52:18,131
(GROWLING)
(JAY YELLS)
1313
00:52:18,720 --> 00:52:20,529
(DOG BARKING FEROCIOUSLY)
1314
00:52:24,240 --> 00:52:26,402
What the fuck
is happening?
1315
00:52:28,080 --> 00:52:30,560
(GASPING)
1316
00:52:40,200 --> 00:52:41,600
And then you
become a mother, right?
1317
00:52:41,640 --> 00:52:42,721
And it becomes
about the kids.
1318
00:52:42,800 --> 00:52:44,689
Which is great, because you
want it to be about the kids.
1319
00:52:44,760 --> 00:52:46,160
But then you need
time for yourself.
1320
00:52:46,200 --> 00:52:47,326
That's why
I started writing.
1321
00:52:47,400 --> 00:52:50,449
But it's, like, writing
about Jay and the kids,
1322
00:52:50,560 --> 00:52:51,607
and then it becomes a job.
1323
00:52:51,680 --> 00:52:53,284
But I love my job.
I love my job.
1324
00:52:53,360 --> 00:52:55,761
But I need to work out.
I need to work out.
1325
00:52:55,840 --> 00:52:56,841
It's not even for me.
1326
00:52:56,920 --> 00:52:58,365
It's, like, for
everybody else.
1327
00:52:58,440 --> 00:53:01,125
Because I'll go bat-shit crazy.
Like, crazy, crazy, crazy.
1328
00:53:01,240 --> 00:53:03,720
I ran track.
I ran track in college.
1329
00:53:03,800 --> 00:53:05,564
But, you know,
it's just so hard
1330
00:53:05,640 --> 00:53:06,971
- to find the time.
- I know.
1331
00:53:07,040 --> 00:53:08,451
- To do anything, right?
- It is.
1332
00:53:08,520 --> 00:53:10,522
If you don't do that, then you
just sort of lose yourself.
1333
00:53:10,600 --> 00:53:11,886
Do you want another line?
1334
00:53:12,000 --> 00:53:14,128
No, I'm still enjoying the first
line quite a bit, thanks.
1335
00:53:14,200 --> 00:53:15,531
You are so easy to talk to.
1336
00:53:15,760 --> 00:53:16,761
(SQUEALS)
1337
00:53:16,880 --> 00:53:18,484
I feel like you get me.
1338
00:53:18,560 --> 00:53:21,245
Oh, God, I feel like
we get each other. Yeah.
1339
00:53:21,880 --> 00:53:23,120
Where's your husband?
1340
00:53:24,440 --> 00:53:25,441
(HANK SNICKERS)
1341
00:53:25,520 --> 00:53:28,330
I don't know!
Where is that fucker?
1342
00:53:28,440 --> 00:53:30,283
(BOTH LAUGHING)
1343
00:53:32,440 --> 00:53:34,283
(DOORBELL CHIMES)
(GASPS)
1344
00:53:34,360 --> 00:53:37,330
What was that?
Was that the doorbell?
1345
00:53:37,440 --> 00:53:38,646
There's a lot of
action here tonight.
1346
00:53:38,800 --> 00:53:40,006
Yeah, there is.
1347
00:53:42,960 --> 00:53:44,405
Hey! Okay.
1348
00:53:45,560 --> 00:53:46,721
Can I help you?
1349
00:53:46,880 --> 00:53:50,248
Hi! I'm the mayor,
Robby Thompson.
1350
00:53:50,320 --> 00:53:52,163
- Pleasure to meet you.
- What's happening?
1351
00:53:52,240 --> 00:53:54,083
The mayor?
Oh, not of this area.
1352
00:53:54,160 --> 00:53:56,481
I'm mayor of
a different area.
1353
00:53:56,560 --> 00:53:58,449
Of Thousand Oaks.
1354
00:53:58,520 --> 00:54:01,046
He is the Mayor
of Thousand Oaks
1355
00:54:01,120 --> 00:54:05,045
and I am his First Lady
of Thousand Oaks.
1356
00:54:05,160 --> 00:54:06,321
- Okay.
- ROBBY: That's right.
1357
00:54:06,440 --> 00:54:09,489
And we are out,
just talkin' to people,
1358
00:54:09,760 --> 00:54:12,491
um, spreadin' the word
about Thousand Oaks.
1359
00:54:12,960 --> 00:54:14,007
What word?
1360
00:54:16,120 --> 00:54:17,849
- Uh... uh...
- Whew...
1361
00:54:18,520 --> 00:54:19,601
Great town.
1362
00:54:19,680 --> 00:54:22,365
TESS: It's a wonderful
city to raise a family.
1363
00:54:22,440 --> 00:54:24,488
They have
the winningest, uh,
1364
00:54:24,560 --> 00:54:26,085
Little League baseball
record in the country.
1365
00:54:26,200 --> 00:54:28,931
Nobody gives a shit
about Thousand Oaks.
1366
00:54:29,000 --> 00:54:30,604
I'm sorry, Your Honor.
1367
00:54:30,680 --> 00:54:32,967
"Your Honor." Please. "Your
Honor's" my dad's name.
1368
00:54:33,080 --> 00:54:35,560
(LAUGHING)
"Mr. Mayor" will be just fine.
1369
00:54:39,200 --> 00:54:40,964
(PANTING)
1370
00:54:44,120 --> 00:54:45,121
Hello.
1371
00:54:45,960 --> 00:54:47,724
(GROWLS, BARKS)
1372
00:54:49,040 --> 00:54:50,087
No!
1373
00:54:50,400 --> 00:54:52,129
Sit!
1374
00:54:52,320 --> 00:54:53,321
(BARKS)
1375
00:54:53,400 --> 00:54:54,561
Fetch!
1376
00:54:56,080 --> 00:54:57,161
Fetch!
(GROWLS)
1377
00:55:07,840 --> 00:55:10,320
Anyway, we're out
talkin' to people
1378
00:55:10,520 --> 00:55:11,646
about Thousand Oaks
1379
00:55:11,720 --> 00:55:14,326
and we're collecting
donations
1380
00:55:14,400 --> 00:55:16,767
for the Big Brother
charity program.
1381
00:55:16,840 --> 00:55:18,080
Charity program.
Of Thousand Oaks.
1382
00:55:18,160 --> 00:55:19,161
Of Thousand Oaks.
1383
00:55:19,240 --> 00:55:20,969
What is it with
this new trend
1384
00:55:21,040 --> 00:55:22,565
of late-night
charitable solicitations?
1385
00:55:22,640 --> 00:55:23,761
I don't know.
I have no idea.
1386
00:55:23,840 --> 00:55:25,365
Uh, we definitely
1387
00:55:25,440 --> 00:55:26,601
- accept money.
- Eh...
1388
00:55:26,680 --> 00:55:29,081
But what we really need
1389
00:55:29,160 --> 00:55:31,288
are used iPads.
1390
00:55:32,080 --> 00:55:33,286
That's a really good idea.
1391
00:55:33,360 --> 00:55:34,691
It's a great idea.
1392
00:55:34,760 --> 00:55:36,125
- It is?
- I mean, really inspired.
1393
00:55:36,200 --> 00:55:39,329
Yeah. I'm sure they
could really use that.
1394
00:55:39,440 --> 00:55:40,601
Well, I have one.
1395
00:55:40,680 --> 00:55:41,681
- Oh!
- No.
1396
00:55:41,840 --> 00:55:43,920
(ROBBY AND TESS CHUCKLE) Yeah.
I have one right here.
1397
00:55:44,720 --> 00:55:45,926
(JAY GRUNTS)
(DOG YELPS)
1398
00:55:49,560 --> 00:55:50,971
You actually
gave me this.
1399
00:55:51,040 --> 00:55:52,644
I haven't had a chance
to look at it yet.
1400
00:55:52,720 --> 00:55:54,802
Oh, I don't need it.
Just give it to 'em.
1401
00:55:54,880 --> 00:55:56,041
Do you mind
if I just give...
1402
00:55:56,120 --> 00:55:57,201
God, no. Give it to 'em.
I don't care.
1403
00:55:57,280 --> 00:55:58,320
It seems like a good cause.
1404
00:55:58,360 --> 00:56:00,169
Thank you. Thank you.
This worked out great.
1405
00:56:00,240 --> 00:56:01,241
- Nice to meet you!
- Have a good night!
1406
00:56:01,320 --> 00:56:02,924
- Good night!
- Remember Thousand Oaks!
1407
00:56:03,000 --> 00:56:04,843
- Hi, I'm the mayor.
- iPad!
1408
00:56:05,080 --> 00:56:06,081
(DOG BARKING)
1409
00:56:06,160 --> 00:56:07,366
There he is!
(BARKING)
1410
00:56:08,640 --> 00:56:10,483
Ariel! Hakuna matata!
1411
00:56:10,800 --> 00:56:11,801
(WHIMPERING)
1412
00:56:12,120 --> 00:56:13,167
Go play.
1413
00:56:15,880 --> 00:56:17,803
Jay. What the hell
happened to you?
1414
00:56:24,520 --> 00:56:26,488
I had an epileptic fit.
1415
00:56:27,200 --> 00:56:28,645
In your bathroom.
1416
00:56:28,720 --> 00:56:29,846
But your dog saved me.
1417
00:56:31,800 --> 00:56:34,849
Because, in addition
to diarrhea,
1418
00:56:38,320 --> 00:56:39,810
I'm also an epileptic.
1419
00:56:40,120 --> 00:56:43,124
Oh, my God.
Are you okay?
1420
00:56:43,200 --> 00:56:46,329
We gotta go. It is
time for us to leave.
1421
00:56:46,400 --> 00:56:48,368
This is when we should
get the hell out.
1422
00:56:48,440 --> 00:56:50,966
Now. Just now is when
we should leave.
1423
00:56:51,040 --> 00:56:53,168
'Cause, you know,
this is... Yeah.
1424
00:56:54,480 --> 00:56:55,601
I did a little cocaine.
What?
1425
00:56:55,680 --> 00:56:56,681
What?
1426
00:56:56,760 --> 00:56:58,091
- Just one line.
- Just one line.
1427
00:56:58,160 --> 00:56:59,366
- One what?
- A bump.
1428
00:56:59,840 --> 00:57:01,251
- What?
- She did a line. So?
1429
00:57:01,320 --> 00:57:02,526
Honey, let's just...
Okay.
1430
00:57:02,600 --> 00:57:04,329
Thank you so much
for your hospitality.
1431
00:57:04,440 --> 00:57:05,521
You've been so amazing.
1432
00:57:05,600 --> 00:57:06,761
This is your cocaine straw.
1433
00:57:06,840 --> 00:57:08,251
No, no, no.
Please. Keep it.
1434
00:57:09,160 --> 00:57:10,400
Thank you.
1435
00:57:20,040 --> 00:57:21,849
(JAY CLEARS THROAT)
1436
00:57:25,920 --> 00:57:27,081
Okey-dokey.
1437
00:57:27,160 --> 00:57:28,969
Thank you so much
for helping
1438
00:57:29,040 --> 00:57:30,121
with our charity,
1439
00:57:30,200 --> 00:57:33,727
but Annie and I need to get
movin' on those kidneys.
1440
00:57:33,800 --> 00:57:35,484
Oh, I completely forgot.
1441
00:57:35,560 --> 00:57:36,891
I need to go get
my checkbook.
1442
00:57:36,960 --> 00:57:38,610
Thank you so much.
1443
00:57:40,000 --> 00:57:41,081
What?
1444
00:57:41,560 --> 00:57:43,403
"Just one line"?
1445
00:57:43,520 --> 00:57:45,284
- Who are you?
- What was I supposed to do?
1446
00:57:45,360 --> 00:57:47,488
Cocaine? That's the answer
to that question?
1447
00:57:47,560 --> 00:57:50,404
He offered and I didn't
wanna seem judgmental.
1448
00:57:50,480 --> 00:57:51,686
It was peer pressure.
1449
00:57:52,640 --> 00:57:54,051
I was distracting him.
1450
00:57:54,120 --> 00:57:56,327
With cocaine? What is this?
Fuckin' Scarface?
1451
00:57:56,400 --> 00:57:57,686
Are you giving me shit?
1452
00:57:57,800 --> 00:57:59,848
- Is that what's happening right now?
- Yeah!
1453
00:57:59,960 --> 00:58:02,167
- Mm-mm. No, I don't think so.
- Annie.
1454
00:58:02,240 --> 00:58:05,289
Annie. How is it that I get
mauled by an attack dog,
1455
00:58:05,360 --> 00:58:06,964
I barely escape
with my life,
1456
00:58:07,040 --> 00:58:09,850
you're in the living room
doing blow with your boss,
1457
00:58:09,920 --> 00:58:11,843
and somehow,
you're mad at me?
1458
00:58:11,920 --> 00:58:13,649
- What did I do?
- Oh, What did you do?
1459
00:58:14,320 --> 00:58:16,971
You didn't erase
the fucking video, Jay!
1460
00:58:17,040 --> 00:58:18,644
I told you, Annie.
I forgot.
1461
00:58:18,720 --> 00:58:21,451
"I forgot." "I forgot." I've
heard you say that. "I forgot!"
1462
00:58:21,560 --> 00:58:22,766
Okay, fine!
I didn't forget!
1463
00:58:23,800 --> 00:58:26,531
I made a conscious decision
to keep the tape.
1464
00:58:26,600 --> 00:58:28,489
And I was gonna
keep it forever!
1465
00:58:28,560 --> 00:58:30,449
Because I had on video
1466
00:58:30,520 --> 00:58:32,727
what was one of the
greatest nights of my life.
1467
00:58:32,800 --> 00:58:34,643
And so I wanted
to keep it.
1468
00:58:34,720 --> 00:58:36,245
For myself.
1469
00:58:36,600 --> 00:58:39,888
And for my own
personal reference use.
1470
00:58:39,960 --> 00:58:41,325
Yeah, you wanted it.
1471
00:58:41,400 --> 00:58:43,209
But I specifically didn't
want you to keep it
1472
00:58:43,280 --> 00:58:44,850
because I didn't want it
to get out and guess what?
1473
00:58:44,920 --> 00:58:46,968
It did! It did immediately.
1474
00:58:47,040 --> 00:58:48,724
That part was a mistake.
1475
00:58:48,800 --> 00:58:50,290
I wanted to save it
for myself
1476
00:58:50,360 --> 00:58:52,010
and then the fuckin' app...
1477
00:58:52,080 --> 00:58:53,206
Stop talking
about the app,
1478
00:58:53,280 --> 00:58:54,930
'cause this is just
typical of you.
1479
00:58:55,000 --> 00:58:57,731
You do whatever the hell
you wanna do all the time,
1480
00:58:57,800 --> 00:59:01,202
and I do everything.
I do everything.
1481
00:59:01,280 --> 00:59:04,250
I hold this shit down,
is what I do.
1482
00:59:04,320 --> 00:59:05,606
Clearly, you should not
do cocaine.
1483
00:59:05,680 --> 00:59:07,170
Maybe I should do
more cocaine.
1484
00:59:07,240 --> 00:59:09,811
Because I've never done it
before and I kinda like it.
1485
00:59:09,880 --> 00:59:11,120
I'm fairly certain
the answer
1486
00:59:11,200 --> 00:59:12,611
is not for you
to do more cocaine.
1487
00:59:12,680 --> 00:59:15,331
This sex tape.
This night.
1488
00:59:15,400 --> 00:59:16,686
This is the kind of thing
1489
00:59:16,760 --> 00:59:18,649
that reveals a lot
about a person.
1490
00:59:20,840 --> 00:59:21,921
Oh, really?
1491
00:59:22,000 --> 00:59:23,126
Reveals a whole lot
about a person.
1492
00:59:23,200 --> 00:59:24,326
You know what?
Just shut up.
1493
00:59:24,400 --> 00:59:25,447
I tried not to say it!
1494
00:59:25,520 --> 00:59:28,126
This kind of thing,
a crisis,
1495
00:59:28,200 --> 00:59:30,441
reveals who someone
really is deep down.
1496
00:59:30,520 --> 00:59:33,205
And you, you can't think
about anyone else but you.
1497
00:59:33,320 --> 00:59:35,687
Okay, that is... Jay does
what Jay wants to do.
1498
00:59:35,800 --> 00:59:37,609
You have to go
to a concert
1499
00:59:37,680 --> 00:59:39,091
three nights in a row.
1500
00:59:39,160 --> 00:59:40,161
For work?
1501
00:59:40,240 --> 00:59:42,481
But that's my job, Annie.
We're a team.
1502
00:59:42,560 --> 00:59:44,642
And part of what I do
on that team is I work.
1503
00:59:44,720 --> 00:59:46,561
That's what makes me
a good teammate, isn't it?
1504
00:59:46,600 --> 00:59:48,887
I don't just wanna
be a teammate!
1505
00:59:51,440 --> 00:59:53,249
Why did we stop
having sex?
1506
00:59:53,880 --> 00:59:54,881
What?
1507
00:59:56,040 --> 00:59:57,480
Annie, it's not like
we just stopped.
1508
00:59:57,520 --> 00:59:58,681
No, you know what I mean.
1509
00:59:58,760 --> 01:00:00,842
It's just, like,
why did...
1510
01:00:00,920 --> 01:00:04,402
When did we stop
needing to be close?
1511
01:00:04,800 --> 01:00:06,131
When did I become
so annoying?
1512
01:00:06,200 --> 01:00:07,281
I don't know!
1513
01:00:10,000 --> 01:00:11,843
I think the coke
is wearing off.
1514
01:00:12,000 --> 01:00:13,682
That's a bummer, man.
I was having a blast.
1515
01:00:13,706 --> 01:00:14,706
Really?
1516
01:00:16,160 --> 01:00:17,650
We really gotta find out
who's been sending
1517
01:00:17,720 --> 01:00:19,563
these fucking texts.
1518
01:00:19,880 --> 01:00:21,245
(CREAKING)
1519
01:00:23,400 --> 01:00:24,731
Are they...
1520
01:00:25,000 --> 01:00:26,001
(MOANING)
1521
01:00:26,160 --> 01:00:27,889
JAY: They're having sex
in our car.
1522
01:00:28,800 --> 01:00:30,370
It appears that way.
1523
01:00:33,840 --> 01:00:35,001
(ROBBY SIGHS)
1524
01:00:36,160 --> 01:00:37,161
(SNIFFLES)
1525
01:00:37,360 --> 01:00:38,407
(CLEARS THROAT)
1526
01:00:39,960 --> 01:00:41,610
- Sorry, guys.
- Yeah, sorry.
1527
01:00:41,680 --> 01:00:42,727
I'm not even gonna
ask if you guys...
1528
01:00:42,800 --> 01:00:43,961
Yes, we watched the video.
1529
01:00:44,040 --> 01:00:45,280
You said you weren't
gonna say anything.
1530
01:00:45,360 --> 01:00:47,249
I know we weren't gonna say
anything, but I can't lie to Jay.
1531
01:00:47,360 --> 01:00:48,407
And besides, we just
1532
01:00:48,480 --> 01:00:50,881
skimmed it because
we didn't have time.
1533
01:00:51,080 --> 01:00:52,445
Oh, my God!
1534
01:00:52,760 --> 01:00:55,411
Annie, there is nothing
to be ashamed of.
1535
01:00:55,480 --> 01:00:56,766
He's right.
There's not.
1536
01:00:56,880 --> 01:00:58,882
At first, yes,
I thought there was.
1537
01:00:58,960 --> 01:01:01,008
But now, I've seen it.
And there's not.
1538
01:01:01,080 --> 01:01:02,923
No, it's the most natural
thing in the world.
1539
01:01:03,440 --> 01:01:05,249
I think this might be...
1540
01:01:05,320 --> 01:01:07,482
No, it definitely is
1541
01:01:07,600 --> 01:01:09,602
the most embarrassing
moment of my life.
1542
01:01:09,760 --> 01:01:12,001
Oh, no, no, no. You should
not feel embarrassed.
1543
01:01:12,080 --> 01:01:14,606
If anything,
you should feel proud.
1544
01:01:14,680 --> 01:01:15,886
Yeah, your body's insane.
1545
01:01:16,000 --> 01:01:17,001
- Oh, my God.
- Okay.
1546
01:01:17,080 --> 01:01:18,366
Truly, I admire you
for it.
1547
01:01:18,600 --> 01:01:20,329
I can't believe that
you let him watch it!
1548
01:01:20,400 --> 01:01:21,686
I'm sorry.
1549
01:01:21,760 --> 01:01:24,445
He wanted to watch it. I wanted
to watch it. Just a little peek.
1550
01:01:25,000 --> 01:01:27,890
But then, we got very
involved with it.
1551
01:01:27,960 --> 01:01:28,961
We got really
wrapped up in it.
1552
01:01:29,080 --> 01:01:30,081
Oh, my God!
1553
01:01:30,200 --> 01:01:32,089
Oh, great dick,
by the way.
1554
01:01:33,800 --> 01:01:35,006
Yeah. Thank you.
1555
01:01:35,120 --> 01:01:37,168
Honestly, the whole thing
was a big turn-on.
1556
01:01:37,280 --> 01:01:39,282
- Oh, my God. (ANNIE SCOFFS)
- We noticed. Yes.
1557
01:01:39,600 --> 01:01:41,682
Guys, could I have
the iPad back, please?
1558
01:01:47,280 --> 01:01:48,361
- Really? I mean we...
- Dude!
1559
01:01:48,440 --> 01:01:50,124
Okay, fine!
1560
01:01:50,560 --> 01:01:53,006
There you go. You're
obsessed with that thing.
1561
01:01:57,480 --> 01:01:58,720
(SIGHS)
Wait.
1562
01:02:00,120 --> 01:02:02,361
We shall never speak
of this night again.
1563
01:02:02,520 --> 01:02:03,567
Absolutely.
1564
01:02:03,640 --> 01:02:04,801
Of course.
1565
01:02:05,840 --> 01:02:06,921
(ANNIE SIGHS)
1566
01:02:07,000 --> 01:02:08,809
I need a bathroom
and an aspirin.
1567
01:02:08,960 --> 01:02:10,120
- Yeah, yeah.
- Oh, of course.
1568
01:02:10,160 --> 01:02:11,241
- Come on in.
- Please.
1569
01:02:12,640 --> 01:02:13,766
(ROBBY YAWNS)
1570
01:02:13,840 --> 01:02:15,001
- Dad. Mom.
- Hey, pal.
1571
01:02:15,080 --> 01:02:16,127
Hey, sweetie.
Hi, Marta.
1572
01:02:16,640 --> 01:02:18,608
- Howard is study.
- I was. In my room.
1573
01:02:18,680 --> 01:02:20,170
Annie, Jay.
1574
01:02:20,240 --> 01:02:21,605
What a surprise,
you guys.
1575
01:02:21,680 --> 01:02:23,284
We were
just out, uh...
1576
01:02:25,000 --> 01:02:26,001
gettin' a drink.
1577
01:02:26,880 --> 01:02:28,450
Celebrate the ol'
anniversary.
1578
01:02:28,520 --> 01:02:29,931
Here. I'll get you
an aspirin.
1579
01:02:30,000 --> 01:02:31,286
ANNIE: Okay. I'm gonna
use the bathroom.
1580
01:02:31,560 --> 01:02:32,925
Want a shirt?
1581
01:02:33,080 --> 01:02:35,480
- Yeah. That'd be great. Thanks, bud.
- I'll get you a shirt.
1582
01:02:35,680 --> 01:02:37,364
Get outta my way!
(CHUCKLES)
1583
01:02:38,880 --> 01:02:40,006
(HOWARD SIGHS)
1584
01:02:40,120 --> 01:02:42,521
So, here we are.
1585
01:02:44,160 --> 01:02:46,083
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1586
01:02:46,240 --> 01:02:48,368
Did you receive
my text message?
1587
01:02:53,680 --> 01:02:54,886
What?
1588
01:02:56,560 --> 01:02:58,847
Yeah. You know, you really
should be more careful, Jay.
1589
01:03:01,040 --> 01:03:02,041
Wait, are you...
1590
01:03:02,120 --> 01:03:04,043
No. 'Cause
you're just too...
1591
01:03:04,120 --> 01:03:05,246
Is this a...
1592
01:03:07,960 --> 01:03:09,724
Stop babbling already, Jay.
1593
01:03:09,800 --> 01:03:11,802
I think we both know that
I already own your ass.
1594
01:03:12,360 --> 01:03:14,727
You own my ass?
1595
01:03:14,880 --> 01:03:16,086
What, do I have to
spell it out for you?
1596
01:03:16,160 --> 01:03:18,003
I have your sex tape.
1597
01:03:18,560 --> 01:03:19,800
You're fucked.
1598
01:03:21,160 --> 01:03:22,207
(CHUCKLES)
1599
01:03:24,120 --> 01:03:25,485
- I got news for you.
- What?
1600
01:03:25,560 --> 01:03:26,561
I got the iPad back.
1601
01:03:27,240 --> 01:03:28,730
- You got the iPad back?
- Yeah.
1602
01:03:28,880 --> 01:03:31,565
That's fantastic, man. Good effort.
Look at me.
1603
01:03:32,040 --> 01:03:33,485
Do I look like a kid
who knows how to make
1604
01:03:33,560 --> 01:03:35,961
a simple copy of an
MP4 or do I not?
1605
01:03:38,880 --> 01:03:40,450
Yeah, you do.
And look at you.
1606
01:03:40,520 --> 01:03:42,090
Runnin' around
trying to collect up
1607
01:03:42,160 --> 01:03:44,481
all your iPads
before time runs out.
1608
01:03:44,560 --> 01:03:46,403
Why didn't you
just remote wipe them?
1609
01:03:48,200 --> 01:03:49,406
You can do that?
1610
01:03:51,760 --> 01:03:52,761
Fuck!
1611
01:03:53,320 --> 01:03:54,321
Fuck me!
1612
01:03:55,320 --> 01:03:56,810
I almost murdered a dog.
1613
01:03:58,680 --> 01:03:59,681
Yeah.
1614
01:03:59,800 --> 01:04:01,689
But I already uploaded
your sorry-ass video
1615
01:04:01,760 --> 01:04:02,966
to a site called YouPorn.
1616
01:04:03,240 --> 01:04:04,765
Should be up by
tomorrow morning.
1617
01:04:04,920 --> 01:04:06,888
And sadly, the only one that
can take the video down
1618
01:04:06,960 --> 01:04:08,610
is the original poster
and that's me.
1619
01:04:08,920 --> 01:04:10,649
Okay, this is a...
1620
01:04:11,760 --> 01:04:13,569
I got it.
This is a joke, right?
1621
01:04:13,760 --> 01:04:14,841
You're joking.
1622
01:04:15,440 --> 01:04:17,329
You didn't put...
(CHUCKLES)
1623
01:04:19,280 --> 01:04:20,486
- What do you want?
- Hmm.
1624
01:04:20,680 --> 01:04:22,011
You want an Xbox?
1625
01:04:22,280 --> 01:04:24,282
- You can get me an Xbox?
- Do you want an Xbox?
1626
01:04:24,600 --> 01:04:26,284
- Like, the new Xbox?
- Yeah.
1627
01:04:26,560 --> 01:04:27,686
What do I look
like to you, Jay?
1628
01:04:27,800 --> 01:04:29,211
A fucking idiot? No!
1629
01:04:29,320 --> 01:04:31,891
I want $25,000 in cash.
1630
01:04:33,120 --> 01:04:34,645
$25,000?
1631
01:04:34,760 --> 01:04:38,765
Howard. First of all, I don't
have $25,000 just sittin' around.
1632
01:04:38,840 --> 01:04:41,241
And besides, what are you
gonna do with $25,000?
1633
01:04:41,320 --> 01:04:42,685
I'm gonna buy a horse.
1634
01:04:42,920 --> 01:04:44,763
Yeah, I'm gonna buy
a motherfucking horse
1635
01:04:44,840 --> 01:04:46,285
to keep my bitches happy-
1636
01:04:48,120 --> 01:04:50,122
I think it's time for me to have
a little talk with your parents.
1637
01:04:50,320 --> 01:04:51,321
Try. Go ahead.
1638
01:04:51,520 --> 01:04:52,760
I'll lie.
1639
01:04:52,840 --> 01:04:54,444
They're gonna
believe me. Not you.
1640
01:04:54,960 --> 01:04:55,961
Oh...
1641
01:04:56,040 --> 01:04:57,724
And don't you dare
tell Annie about this.
1642
01:04:58,400 --> 01:04:59,731
I'm gonna tell Annie.
1643
01:05:00,320 --> 01:05:01,401
Okay-
1644
01:05:01,480 --> 01:05:03,323
But before you do,
just think about
1645
01:05:03,400 --> 01:05:04,925
these three words
for me, all right?
1646
01:05:05,080 --> 01:05:06,684
School. Email. Blast.
1647
01:05:07,400 --> 01:05:08,481
(ROBBY GROANS)
1648
01:05:09,640 --> 01:05:11,881
Man! I need some
ice cream. Who's in?
1649
01:05:12,000 --> 01:05:13,081
(IMITATES A CROWD CHEERING)
1650
01:05:14,160 --> 01:05:15,241
(QUIETLY)
Deal with it, Jay.
1651
01:05:15,280 --> 01:05:16,805
You're fucked!
1652
01:05:17,080 --> 01:05:19,048
ANNIE: I got just so much
pressure inside me.
1653
01:05:19,600 --> 01:05:20,761
Good talk, pal.
Seriously.
1654
01:05:20,920 --> 01:05:22,001
ANNIE: Honey.
1655
01:05:22,080 --> 01:05:23,764
Let's go home
and keep calling
1656
01:05:23,840 --> 01:05:25,729
that number until
someone answers.
1657
01:05:25,800 --> 01:05:27,689
I just wanna know
who's sending these texts.
1658
01:05:27,880 --> 01:05:28,881
ROBBY: Uh-Oh.
1659
01:05:29,360 --> 01:05:30,885
Uh-oh. Wanna do
the thing?
1660
01:05:30,960 --> 01:05:32,405
Wanna do the four-flavor
thing?
1661
01:05:32,480 --> 01:05:34,482
- Yeah, let's do that thing.
- Yeah.
1662
01:05:36,400 --> 01:05:38,926
Robby, there's no easy way
for me to say this,
1663
01:05:39,000 --> 01:05:41,321
but your kid is trying
to blackmail me
1664
01:05:41,400 --> 01:05:42,845
for $25,000!
1665
01:05:43,360 --> 01:05:45,567
Jay, can you hear
yourself right now?
1666
01:05:45,720 --> 01:05:48,724
I mean, look. You've had
a stressful day, right?
1667
01:05:48,840 --> 01:05:51,286
Howard's just a kid.
He's not your problem.
1668
01:05:51,480 --> 01:05:53,289
When you wake up,
you'll realize that.
1669
01:05:53,360 --> 01:05:55,010
Would you just go
check his computer, huh?
1670
01:05:55,280 --> 01:05:56,327
Check his phone!
1671
01:05:56,720 --> 01:05:57,721
- For me?
- Jay.
1672
01:05:58,440 --> 01:05:59,801
I'm not gonna look
at his computer.
1673
01:05:59,920 --> 01:06:01,365
Because there's nothing
on there.
1674
01:06:01,720 --> 01:06:03,404
He told me
and I trust him.
1675
01:06:03,520 --> 01:06:04,881
This is Howard
we're talking about.
1676
01:06:06,200 --> 01:06:07,326
- I gotta go.
- Okay.
1677
01:06:07,520 --> 01:06:09,249
Get some rest, all right? I'll
see you at school tomorrow.
1678
01:06:09,360 --> 01:06:11,522
Oh, shit.
Right, graduation.
1679
01:06:11,600 --> 01:06:12,965
- I forgot.
- Oh, and, hey.
1680
01:06:13,080 --> 01:06:16,846
I just wanted to say one more time, man.
Great tape.
1681
01:06:17,040 --> 01:06:19,520
I mean, I had no idea
that Annie was so flexible.
1682
01:06:19,680 --> 01:06:21,250
- Robby. Robby.
- Yeah?
1683
01:06:21,320 --> 01:06:23,766
Maybe we should just stop
talking about this now.
1684
01:06:24,120 --> 01:06:25,281
Yeah, yeah! Fair enough.
1685
01:06:25,360 --> 01:06:27,931
- Another time. Yeah.
- Or, you know, never.
1686
01:06:28,640 --> 01:06:29,926
Another time.
1687
01:06:30,840 --> 01:06:32,444
Mom, thank you so much
1688
01:06:32,520 --> 01:06:34,409
for coming by
on such short notice.
1689
01:06:34,560 --> 01:06:36,483
Oh, of course,
honey. Of course.
1690
01:06:36,760 --> 01:06:37,841
Oh.
Thank you.
1691
01:06:37,920 --> 01:06:39,968
Annie. Is everything
all right?
1692
01:06:41,240 --> 01:06:43,163
Yeah, yeah. It's fine.
1693
01:06:43,320 --> 01:06:45,926
And you and Jay?
You're okay?
1694
01:06:46,240 --> 01:06:47,685
Yeah, I think so.
1695
01:06:47,960 --> 01:06:49,880
You sure you don't wanna
tell me what's goin' on?
1696
01:06:50,080 --> 01:06:51,081
Yes, I'm sure.
1697
01:06:51,160 --> 01:06:52,844
Maybe some other time.
1698
01:06:53,480 --> 01:06:54,481
Never.
1699
01:06:55,080 --> 01:06:58,084
There's some things that I
really wanna share with you,
1700
01:06:58,200 --> 01:06:59,247
and then,
there's some things.
1701
01:06:59,320 --> 01:07:01,129
That you should die
just never knowing.
1702
01:07:02,280 --> 01:07:03,611
- Okay, sounds good.
- Okay.
1703
01:07:08,200 --> 01:07:09,201
(CLICKS)
1704
01:07:13,800 --> 01:07:15,131
- What are you doing?
- Jesus Christ!
1705
01:07:15,200 --> 01:07:17,851
Hi. You can't keep
doing that to me.
1706
01:07:18,280 --> 01:07:21,841
What are you doing, Jay?
1707
01:07:23,360 --> 01:07:24,964
I have really good news.
1708
01:07:25,200 --> 01:07:26,361
Great news.
1709
01:07:26,800 --> 01:07:29,929
I remote wiped
the mailman's iPad.
1710
01:07:30,000 --> 01:07:32,844
I erased his iPad
from my computer.
1711
01:07:32,920 --> 01:07:34,490
- You can do that?
- Yes, you can.
1712
01:07:34,960 --> 01:07:36,041
We did it.
1713
01:07:36,200 --> 01:07:37,884
(SIGHS)
So, yeah.
1714
01:07:37,960 --> 01:07:40,480
In a way it would've been nice to
have that information earlier.
1715
01:07:40,560 --> 01:07:43,006
In another, more
important way,
1716
01:07:43,480 --> 01:07:46,529
it's great news
that we have
1717
01:07:46,600 --> 01:07:48,807
remote wiped
the mailman's iPad.
1718
01:07:48,880 --> 01:07:50,041
Yeah, it's good news.
1719
01:07:52,640 --> 01:07:53,721
What's the bad news?
1720
01:07:55,040 --> 01:07:56,087
What?
1721
01:07:56,160 --> 01:07:58,003
$25,000?
1722
01:07:58,200 --> 01:08:00,362
Where we gonna get...
We don't have $25,000!
1723
01:08:00,680 --> 01:08:02,961
- We're not giving it to Howard!
- We're not. It's insane.
1724
01:08:03,160 --> 01:08:05,686
(SIGHS) We're gonna let
this little freak show
1725
01:08:05,840 --> 01:08:06,966
just post it up
on the Internet
1726
01:08:07,040 --> 01:08:08,690
for the entire world to see?
1727
01:08:09,000 --> 01:08:11,526
People that we know?
People we don't know?
1728
01:08:11,600 --> 01:08:12,961
God, my gynecologist
is gonna be so.
1729
01:08:13,000 --> 01:08:14,490
- Disappointed in me.
- Okay.
1730
01:08:14,560 --> 01:08:16,927
The deli guy's gonna see
what we did with the salami!
1731
01:08:17,000 --> 01:08:18,480
Babe, can I say
something that's gonna
1732
01:08:18,520 --> 01:08:20,124
sound kinda crazy,
but just go with me?
1733
01:08:20,240 --> 01:08:21,844
All right? I've been
watching a bunch of
1734
01:08:21,920 --> 01:08:23,001
these videos online,
1735
01:08:23,160 --> 01:08:25,242
and you cannot
really tell
1736
01:08:25,320 --> 01:08:27,561
who these people are.
Mostly.
1737
01:08:27,640 --> 01:08:28,880
And I'm sure
that they all have
1738
01:08:29,000 --> 01:08:31,128
somebody that they don't
want seeing their videos,
1739
01:08:31,200 --> 01:08:32,440
but they make them anyway.
1740
01:08:32,520 --> 01:08:34,204
Like this one video I saw,
1741
01:08:34,440 --> 01:08:35,771
"Corn-fed Cowgirl
Gets Milked."
1742
01:08:35,880 --> 01:08:37,723
There is no way that she
wanted her boss seeing that
1743
01:08:37,840 --> 01:08:41,640
because what happened there
seemed very personal.
1744
01:08:42,200 --> 01:08:43,406
- Your point is?
- My point is,
1745
01:08:43,480 --> 01:08:46,802
if our video went up there,
God forbid,
1746
01:08:46,880 --> 01:08:49,087
does anybody even know
that it's us?
1747
01:08:49,160 --> 01:08:50,969
And if they did,
1748
01:08:51,720 --> 01:08:53,802
does it really matter
that much?
1749
01:08:55,400 --> 01:08:57,050
I mean, it might.
1750
01:08:57,400 --> 01:08:59,482
The coke-bender Hank
Rosenbaum might not care.
1751
01:08:59,560 --> 01:09:01,688
But the CEO of Piper
Brothers Hank Rosenbaum,
1752
01:09:01,760 --> 01:09:02,966
he might.
1753
01:09:03,040 --> 01:09:04,087
Honey.
1754
01:09:06,480 --> 01:09:07,561
(SIGHS)
1755
01:09:10,080 --> 01:09:13,004
Hank Rosenbaum
has an 11-inch
1756
01:09:13,080 --> 01:09:15,208
double-sided dildo
in his nightstand.
1757
01:09:17,080 --> 01:09:18,730
Is it made by
Piper Brothers?
1758
01:09:20,160 --> 01:09:21,446
Look, my point is,
1759
01:09:21,600 --> 01:09:25,650
maybe everybody has an 11-inch
dildo in their nightstand.
1760
01:09:26,960 --> 01:09:29,122
- That's a beautiful metaphor, honey.
- Thank you.
1761
01:09:29,360 --> 01:09:30,805
I thought of it just then.
1762
01:09:32,040 --> 01:09:34,202
Maybe we don't care
so much
1763
01:09:34,280 --> 01:09:36,089
about what
other people think.
1764
01:09:37,920 --> 01:09:38,967
I have an idea.
1765
01:09:39,320 --> 01:09:41,448
What? We haven't even
seen this video yet.
1766
01:09:41,600 --> 01:09:42,931
There's no chance
I'm watchin' it.
1767
01:09:43,000 --> 01:09:44,684
- You don't have to.
- I'll watch it.
1768
01:09:44,760 --> 01:09:46,250
And at least,
then, we'll know
1769
01:09:46,320 --> 01:09:48,243
what we're actually
dealing with.
1770
01:09:52,080 --> 01:09:53,206
(SNIFFLES)
1771
01:10:01,480 --> 01:10:02,641
(SIGHS)
Here we go.
1772
01:10:03,800 --> 01:10:04,881
(TAPS KEY ON COMPUTER)
1773
01:10:05,760 --> 01:10:06,807
(CHUCKLES)
1774
01:10:27,320 --> 01:10:28,321
(CLICKS)
1775
01:10:46,080 --> 01:10:47,764
We gotta get this thing
off the fucking Internet!
1776
01:10:47,840 --> 01:10:48,921
Why? What?
1777
01:10:49,000 --> 01:10:50,240
I saw it! That's us.
1778
01:10:50,320 --> 01:10:51,845
That's definitely us.
Very clearly.
1779
01:10:51,960 --> 01:10:54,042
- That camera's fuckin' amazing.
- Oh, my God!
1780
01:10:54,120 --> 01:10:55,201
Remember that thing
I told you about porn?
1781
01:10:55,280 --> 01:10:56,964
About how you see
right past the guy?
1782
01:10:57,040 --> 01:10:58,565
Well, I saw him
and it's me
1783
01:10:58,640 --> 01:10:59,926
and it's fucking horrible!
1784
01:11:00,000 --> 01:11:02,048
It's like the worst picture
of yourself ever.
1785
01:11:02,120 --> 01:11:03,804
Except you're fucking
for hours.
1786
01:11:03,976 --> 01:11:04,976
What about me?
1787
01:11:05,000 --> 01:11:06,081
You? You're a fucking
sexpot
1788
01:11:06,160 --> 01:11:08,208
I've told you this.
Total wank material.
1789
01:11:08,280 --> 01:11:09,645
And now you're gonna be
in the fucking cloud!
1790
01:11:09,720 --> 01:11:10,846
- Oh, my God.
- We have to do something.
1791
01:11:11,000 --> 01:11:12,604
We need 25 grand
to pay off Howard.
1792
01:11:12,680 --> 01:11:14,409
Hell no! Fuck Howard!
I have another idea.
1793
01:11:14,600 --> 01:11:16,250
Okay. You said it
was on YouPorn, right?
1794
01:11:16,520 --> 01:11:17,760
We're gonna be on it.
Jesus Christ.
1795
01:11:17,840 --> 01:11:19,080
I know, honey. We're not.
Relax, okay?
1796
01:11:19,160 --> 01:11:20,366
The Internet is not
a free-floating thing.
1797
01:11:20,440 --> 01:11:22,647
It's on a server
somewhere.
1798
01:11:22,720 --> 01:11:24,563
It's not like
it's an actual cloud.
1799
01:11:26,240 --> 01:11:27,287
You knew that, right?
1800
01:11:28,040 --> 01:11:29,041
Yeah.
1801
01:11:30,000 --> 01:11:31,729
Look, we find
a business address.
1802
01:11:31,880 --> 01:11:33,405
It's probably in
the Valley somewhere.
1803
01:11:33,480 --> 01:11:34,970
Most porn companies are.
1804
01:11:35,040 --> 01:11:37,281
We're like 20 minutes from the
porn capital of the world.
1805
01:11:37,360 --> 01:11:39,044
Well, then what do we do?
1806
01:11:39,200 --> 01:11:40,645
I don't know. I mean,
1807
01:11:40,720 --> 01:11:43,371
it's probably just
a few guys with computers.
1808
01:11:43,720 --> 01:11:44,721
We'll beg 'em
1809
01:11:44,800 --> 01:11:46,006
or bribe 'em or something.
1810
01:11:46,400 --> 01:11:47,731
That's a great idea.
1811
01:11:48,240 --> 01:11:49,446
What do we do
with the kids?
1812
01:11:49,600 --> 01:11:51,045
We can't call
my mom again.
1813
01:11:56,920 --> 01:11:58,081
(CAR ALARM CHIRPS)
1814
01:12:11,560 --> 01:12:13,085
Up here, make a right.
1815
01:12:17,640 --> 01:12:18,846
I think this is it.
1816
01:12:21,920 --> 01:12:23,251
Hello? Open up!
1817
01:12:23,640 --> 01:12:25,881
Hello! Is anyone there?
1818
01:12:26,040 --> 01:12:28,611
This is the last time I'm gonna ask.
Is anyone home?
1819
01:12:28,880 --> 01:12:30,609
Hey! Hey, bud!
1820
01:12:30,760 --> 01:12:32,967
Hey! How's it goin', man?
1821
01:12:33,160 --> 01:12:34,764
We're just having
a little adventure.
1822
01:12:34,920 --> 01:12:36,001
What's the adventure?
1823
01:12:36,120 --> 01:12:38,327
It's kind of, like, what?
Like, a scavenger hunt.
1824
01:12:38,480 --> 01:12:40,323
You know what it is?
It's a game.
1825
01:12:40,560 --> 01:12:42,289
- Uh-huh.
- And it is called,
1826
01:12:43,440 --> 01:12:44,965
- Breaking and Entering.
- What?
1827
01:12:46,840 --> 01:12:48,808
(ENGINE ROARING)
(TIRES SQUEALING)
1828
01:12:53,600 --> 01:12:55,011
JAY: Okay, great.
1829
01:12:57,640 --> 01:12:58,801
Shh.
1830
01:13:08,760 --> 01:13:09,966
(CREAKS)
1831
01:13:15,360 --> 01:13:16,566
Hello?
1832
01:13:16,640 --> 01:13:17,971
NELL: Hello?
1833
01:13:18,160 --> 01:13:19,969
What are we
looking for?
1834
01:13:20,160 --> 01:13:21,400
That's a good question.
1835
01:13:21,480 --> 01:13:23,130
Yeah, we're not
exactly sure.
1836
01:13:23,280 --> 01:13:26,045
CLIVE: "Central Data Core."
1837
01:13:26,800 --> 01:13:28,361
- ANNIE: This is it.
- JAY: Let's do it.
1838
01:13:35,040 --> 01:13:37,520
I think I might've
underestimated
1839
01:13:37,640 --> 01:13:39,005
the size of YouPorn.
1840
01:13:40,560 --> 01:13:42,642
Yeah,
it's a bit bigger
1841
01:13:42,720 --> 01:13:43,960
than you would think.
1842
01:13:50,400 --> 01:13:51,526
(ALARM BLARING)
1843
01:13:52,840 --> 01:13:55,366
Jay! My God,
what have we done?
1844
01:13:55,520 --> 01:13:57,841
We're gonna go
to jail, Jay!
1845
01:13:58,000 --> 01:13:59,920
- We should get outta here.
- Yeah. We should go!
1846
01:14:00,000 --> 01:14:01,490
(ALARM BLARING)
1847
01:14:05,040 --> 01:14:06,166
May I help you?
1848
01:14:07,400 --> 01:14:09,402
(WHISPERING) Okay.
You guys stay here. Okay?
1849
01:14:09,560 --> 01:14:10,561
Okay-
1850
01:14:11,080 --> 01:14:13,560
May I ask what the
fuck is goin' on here?
1851
01:14:14,200 --> 01:14:16,726
May I ask if you're
the proprietor
1852
01:14:16,800 --> 01:14:19,087
of this institution?
1853
01:14:19,240 --> 01:14:20,685
"Institution?"
(CHUCKLES)
1854
01:14:20,760 --> 01:14:22,764
Yeah. I'm that
motherfucker.
1855
01:14:23,080 --> 01:14:25,731
And you've just made
a very serious mistake.
1856
01:14:25,880 --> 01:14:28,201
Where are you from, huh?
You from Hustler?
1857
01:14:28,720 --> 01:14:30,131
- Um...
- Huh?
1858
01:14:30,400 --> 01:14:31,447
No.
1859
01:14:31,520 --> 01:14:33,488
Which crew you runnin' with?
Xtube?
1860
01:14:33,680 --> 01:14:35,170
Is that it? No?
RedTube?
1861
01:14:36,080 --> 01:14:37,570
- Bangbros?
- No.
1862
01:14:37,720 --> 01:14:39,245
- BangBus?
- No.
1863
01:14:39,400 --> 01:14:40,401
BigBoobAlert?
1864
01:14:41,840 --> 01:14:43,365
- You with BigBoobAlert?
- Nope.
1865
01:14:43,520 --> 01:14:45,409
Where you from, then?
You tell me right now.
1866
01:14:45,560 --> 01:14:46,686
Wait, no, don't tell me.
1867
01:14:46,840 --> 01:14:48,126
- MassageCreep?
- JAY: No.
1868
01:14:48,280 --> 01:14:49,841
- We're not from MassageCreep.
- No, no.
1869
01:14:49,920 --> 01:14:50,921
KungPaoPussy?
1870
01:14:51,080 --> 01:14:52,127
- No.
- No.
1871
01:14:52,280 --> 01:14:53,725
- You from BeaverBong?
- Tugjobs?
1872
01:14:53,920 --> 01:14:55,410
- TrannySurprise?
- Nutflix?
1873
01:14:55,560 --> 01:14:57,403
- No, ma'am.
- LAMONT: RealityKings?
1874
01:14:57,560 --> 01:14:59,562
- NaughtyAmerica?
- Euro-Angels? AsianAngels?
1875
01:14:59,760 --> 01:15:01,728
- SeducedByACougar?
- FuckStarTV?
1876
01:15:02,080 --> 01:15:03,366
- Huh? Those cunts?
- Not us.
1877
01:15:03,560 --> 01:15:05,085
- SubmitYourBitch?
- No, sir.
1878
01:15:05,240 --> 01:15:06,366
- Wankspider?
- No.
1879
01:15:06,560 --> 01:15:07,607
MonkeyCum?
1880
01:15:07,760 --> 01:15:10,200
- Honey, what's that one that Larry runs?
- AThousandCumShots?
1881
01:15:10,240 --> 01:15:11,446
- MonstersOfCock?
- No.
1882
01:15:11,600 --> 01:15:13,090
You with LadyBonersHD?
1883
01:15:13,240 --> 01:15:14,287
ButtholeSandwich.com?
1884
01:15:14,440 --> 01:15:16,602
Sir, we are in no way affiliated
with ButtholeSandwich.
1885
01:15:16,760 --> 01:15:18,000
You one of them
assholes
1886
01:15:18,080 --> 01:15:19,686
from BigTittyCreamPie.com?
1887
01:15:19,840 --> 01:15:20,841
- No.
- ANNIE: No.
1888
01:15:20,920 --> 01:15:22,445
Not Playboy.
1889
01:15:22,720 --> 01:15:24,131
Did Hugh send you?
1890
01:15:24,240 --> 01:15:26,049
Listen, sir. If you could just
give me one minute to explain.
1891
01:15:26,120 --> 01:15:27,326
- I know...
- See, this is the thing.
1892
01:15:27,400 --> 01:15:29,323
You've put me
in a position
1893
01:15:29,400 --> 01:15:31,767
where my only options
are to beat your ass,
1894
01:15:31,880 --> 01:15:33,166
or call the goddamn cops.
1895
01:15:33,560 --> 01:15:35,847
Okay, sir, I see where
you're coming from...
1896
01:15:36,000 --> 01:15:38,207
Actually, I think we should beat
their ass and call the goddamn cops.
1897
01:15:38,280 --> 01:15:40,487
I was thinkin'
the same shit.
1898
01:15:44,920 --> 01:15:47,127
Look, if you want
to kick my ass, fine.
1899
01:15:47,280 --> 01:15:49,965
And if you want to
call the cops, so be it.
1900
01:15:50,120 --> 01:15:52,487
But there is a reason that we
did this, and it's because
1901
01:15:54,320 --> 01:15:57,130
sometimes people do some really crazy
shit to protect their families.
1902
01:15:57,320 --> 01:15:58,651
And that's what happened.
1903
01:15:58,800 --> 01:16:00,370
We did some crazy shit.
1904
01:16:00,640 --> 01:16:01,801
We're really sorry.
1905
01:16:01,960 --> 01:16:03,166
- We're really sorry.
- We're honestly...
1906
01:16:03,320 --> 01:16:04,321
ANNIE: It was for our family.
1907
01:16:04,400 --> 01:16:05,561
You motherfuckers.
1908
01:16:05,640 --> 01:16:06,880
You made a sex tape
1909
01:16:06,960 --> 01:16:09,241
and now you're tryin' to get
it off my server. (DOG BARKS)
1910
01:16:12,200 --> 01:16:14,521
Daddy, can I pet
the doggies?
1911
01:16:15,520 --> 01:16:17,522
No, we can't pet
these doggies.
1912
01:16:17,680 --> 01:16:18,966
What are your
freakin' names?
1913
01:16:19,600 --> 01:16:21,364
- I'm Jay.
- Annie.
1914
01:16:22,200 --> 01:16:23,850
- Annie and Jay?
- Yes, ma'am.
1915
01:16:25,320 --> 01:16:27,209
You the Annie
that writes.
1916
01:16:27,280 --> 01:16:28,327
"Who's Yo Mommy?"
1917
01:16:28,440 --> 01:16:29,521
Yeah.
1918
01:16:29,600 --> 01:16:30,601
(LAUGHS)
1919
01:16:30,840 --> 01:16:32,285
- I love your blog.
- ANNIE: You do?
1920
01:16:32,400 --> 01:16:34,289
- I read it all the time.
- Oh, that's so great.
1921
01:16:34,400 --> 01:16:36,084
I mean, the way
you write about
1922
01:16:36,160 --> 01:16:37,286
motherhood and parenting.
1923
01:16:37,400 --> 01:16:38,640
Your marriage.
1924
01:16:38,800 --> 01:16:41,087
Oh, thank you.
How old are yours?
1925
01:16:41,360 --> 01:16:43,708
Oh, one's 18 months
and one's 52 months.
1926
01:16:44,360 --> 01:16:45,360
Aw.
1927
01:16:45,400 --> 01:16:46,640
Baby, it's Annie and Jay.
1928
01:16:46,720 --> 01:16:48,324
Yeah, well, I'm afraid
Annie and Jay
1929
01:16:48,400 --> 01:16:50,721
- are in deep motherfuckin' shit.
- Shh.
1930
01:16:51,520 --> 01:16:53,329
Baby.
1931
01:16:58,360 --> 01:16:59,521
(SIGHS)
1932
01:16:59,640 --> 01:17:01,529
All you had to do
was email me
1933
01:17:01,600 --> 01:17:03,329
and I would've taken
it down.
1934
01:17:03,520 --> 01:17:05,090
Do you have any idea
how many people
1935
01:17:05,160 --> 01:17:06,650
are makin' sex tapes
out there?
1936
01:17:06,720 --> 01:17:09,530
We get about 1,000
new ones every day.
1937
01:17:09,600 --> 01:17:10,965
I don't need to be
puttin' up sex tapes
1938
01:17:11,040 --> 01:17:12,644
from people who don't want
their sex tapes up there.
1939
01:17:12,720 --> 01:17:14,643
There's no shortage
of sex tapes.
1940
01:17:14,720 --> 01:17:17,087
Okay? You didn't have to
break my fuckin' door!
1941
01:17:17,200 --> 01:17:18,725
We're just incredibly
sorry, sir,
1942
01:17:18,800 --> 01:17:20,211
and we will pay
for all the damages.
1943
01:17:20,400 --> 01:17:21,731
Oh, yes, you will. Today.
1944
01:17:22,680 --> 01:17:24,170
And you will be
incredibly grateful
1945
01:17:24,240 --> 01:17:25,765
that I feel sorry
for your asses
1946
01:17:25,840 --> 01:17:27,410
and that my wife
likes your blog.
1947
01:17:27,560 --> 01:17:29,881
No, we are very,
very grateful.
1948
01:17:29,960 --> 01:17:31,291
Super grateful.
Thank you.
1949
01:17:31,440 --> 01:17:32,521
It is great of you.
1950
01:17:32,600 --> 01:17:35,126
Internet porn gets
a bad rap in some circles,
1951
01:17:35,200 --> 01:17:36,531
but it's not deserved.
1952
01:17:36,600 --> 01:17:40,161
I'm always tellin' people this.
YouPorn is a community.
1953
01:17:40,240 --> 01:17:42,607
A safe, supportive place
where people can go
1954
01:17:42,800 --> 01:17:45,883
to display videos of themselves
ass-fucking each other.
1955
01:17:46,240 --> 01:17:48,208
That's really nice.
1956
01:17:48,320 --> 01:17:49,321
It's wonderful.
1957
01:17:49,560 --> 01:17:51,210
I think so.
1958
01:17:51,760 --> 01:17:52,921
But let me
ask you something.
1959
01:17:53,080 --> 01:17:54,969
Why'd you make the video
in the first place
1960
01:17:55,040 --> 01:17:56,804
if you didn't want
anyone to see it?
1961
01:17:57,040 --> 01:17:58,530
I mean, I know
why you did it.
1962
01:17:58,600 --> 01:17:59,726
But what about you?
1963
01:18:00,920 --> 01:18:03,127
It was my idea, actually.
1964
01:18:03,760 --> 01:18:06,206
I just guess it was something
different, you know.
1965
01:18:06,280 --> 01:18:07,441
Something new.
1966
01:18:07,600 --> 01:18:10,126
Yeah, that's what I thought.
"Something new."
1967
01:18:10,480 --> 01:18:13,643
Let me tell you somethin'. I've
see a lot of fuckin' sex tapes.
1968
01:18:13,920 --> 01:18:15,046
It's not something
people do
1969
01:18:15,120 --> 01:18:16,929
when everything's
goin' great.
1970
01:18:17,440 --> 01:18:19,204
It's what you do
when you've lost track
1971
01:18:19,280 --> 01:18:21,282
of why you're fuckin'
in the first place.
1972
01:18:25,840 --> 01:18:27,080
It's a quick fix.
1973
01:18:27,240 --> 01:18:28,765
But it doesn't solve
anything.
1974
01:18:28,920 --> 01:18:31,321
And a lot of times it just
hides bigger problems.
1975
01:18:31,480 --> 01:18:33,608
Look at Paris Hilton
and Ricky Salomon.
1976
01:18:33,760 --> 01:18:35,330
Pamela Anderson
and Tommy Lee.
1977
01:18:35,520 --> 01:18:37,488
Pamela Anderson
and Bret Michaels.
1978
01:18:37,640 --> 01:18:39,483
Vince Neil
and Janine Lindemulder.
1979
01:18:39,640 --> 01:18:41,642
Janine Lindemulder and me.
1980
01:18:42,080 --> 01:18:45,129
All of these relationships
had bigger problems.
1981
01:18:45,320 --> 01:18:47,721
They all forgot
why they were fuckin'
1982
01:18:47,800 --> 01:18:49,370
in the first place.
1983
01:18:56,640 --> 01:18:58,688
Anyway,
1984
01:18:58,760 --> 01:19:02,162
that'll be roughly $15,000.
How would you like to pay?
1985
01:19:05,120 --> 01:19:06,485
JAY: I think that
went pretty well.
1986
01:19:06,640 --> 01:19:08,449
ANNIE: I know.
He was so nice.
1987
01:19:11,000 --> 01:19:12,490
Oh, my God.
What time is it?
1988
01:19:12,680 --> 01:19:14,921
We have to be at school
for graduation at 9:00.
1989
01:19:15,080 --> 01:19:16,320
We have to get ready,
you guys.
1990
01:19:16,520 --> 01:19:17,681
I gotta gel my hair.
1991
01:19:17,840 --> 01:19:19,649
Come on! Come on,
come on, come on!
1992
01:19:20,840 --> 01:19:22,365
(CONCERT PITCH PLAYING)
1993
01:19:22,440 --> 01:19:25,569
♪ I don't wanna be ♪
♪ so complicated ♪
1994
01:19:25,640 --> 01:19:27,642
Go, go, go!
We got this!
1995
01:19:28,320 --> 01:19:29,321
(ANNIE SHOUTS)
1996
01:19:30,680 --> 01:19:33,206
♪ Down in a new river ♪
1997
01:19:33,280 --> 01:19:36,363
Okay, babes.
Eat up, eat up, eat up.
1998
01:19:37,000 --> 01:19:40,209
Through the thing
and magically, barn!
1999
01:19:40,280 --> 01:19:41,361
Let's see it.
2000
01:19:42,280 --> 01:19:43,281
Pretty good.
2001
01:19:45,160 --> 01:19:46,366
Hairbrush!
2002
01:19:46,520 --> 01:19:48,124
♪ A simple new life ♪
2003
01:19:48,200 --> 01:19:49,201
Okay, let's go.
2004
01:19:49,720 --> 01:19:51,210
CLIVE: But I gotta
get this on.
2005
01:19:51,720 --> 01:19:53,722
(ALL TALKING AT ONCE)
2006
01:19:54,200 --> 01:19:56,328
Put it on in the car.
Go, go!
2007
01:20:00,560 --> 01:20:01,561
Whoa!
2008
01:20:02,040 --> 01:20:03,201
I gotta go backstage.
2009
01:20:03,400 --> 01:20:04,481
Go. Go graduate, pal.
2010
01:20:04,560 --> 01:20:06,369
- We love ya.
- CLIVE: Bye.
2011
01:20:06,760 --> 01:20:08,489
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
2012
01:20:14,480 --> 01:20:16,084
Mommy, I'm gonna go
find my class, okay?
2013
01:20:16,160 --> 01:20:17,161
Okay, honey.
2014
01:20:17,262 --> 01:20:18,095
All right. We'll catch ya after.
2015
01:20:18,120 --> 01:20:19,368
- See ya.
- NELL: Bye!
2016
01:20:24,160 --> 01:20:25,286
Hey, there we go.
2017
01:20:25,360 --> 01:20:26,521
Okay. Oh, great.
Perfect.
2018
01:20:29,160 --> 01:20:30,321
JAY: (WHISPERS)
Sorry.
2019
01:20:32,760 --> 01:20:35,161
(BOTH GROAN)
2020
01:20:36,080 --> 01:20:37,525
- We made it.
- Yeah.
2021
01:20:38,080 --> 01:20:39,320
We got 'em all back.
2022
01:20:41,000 --> 01:20:43,321
I mean, we may have to steal
Howard's computer later.
2023
01:20:43,520 --> 01:20:44,885
But how hard
can that be?
2024
01:20:49,040 --> 01:20:50,246
Hi.
2025
01:20:50,840 --> 01:20:52,444
I don't think
I'm ever gonna be able
2026
01:20:52,520 --> 01:20:54,045
to look at Robby
the same way again.
2027
01:20:54,840 --> 01:20:56,569
I'm pretty sure
the feeling is mutual,
2028
01:20:56,640 --> 01:20:57,800
if that helps at all.
(LAUGHS)
2029
01:21:05,200 --> 01:21:06,565
I love you.
2030
01:21:08,960 --> 01:21:10,121
I love you, too.
2031
01:21:10,280 --> 01:21:11,520
No. I mean it.
2032
01:21:11,720 --> 01:21:12,721
Like, not in the way
2033
01:21:12,800 --> 01:21:14,450
that we say it to
each other all the time.
2034
01:21:15,080 --> 01:21:16,286
I mean, I really love you.
2035
01:21:17,920 --> 01:21:19,570
And I'm also really
sorry about the video,
2036
01:21:19,640 --> 01:21:21,130
if I hadn't said that
already.
2037
01:21:21,560 --> 01:21:22,800
Thank you.
2038
01:21:23,280 --> 01:21:24,486
You hadn't.
2039
01:21:24,960 --> 01:21:26,291
In a way, though,
I'm also
2040
01:21:26,400 --> 01:21:27,640
really glad
that it happened.
2041
01:21:27,800 --> 01:21:28,881
'Cause I was thinkin' about
2042
01:21:28,960 --> 01:21:29,961
what you said at Hank's.
2043
01:21:30,120 --> 01:21:32,441
You said that
a thing like this,
2044
01:21:33,120 --> 01:21:34,645
like "the video incident,"
2045
01:21:34,800 --> 01:21:36,882
reveals a lot
about a person.
2046
01:21:37,040 --> 01:21:38,326
And you're right.
2047
01:21:39,160 --> 01:21:41,322
And you know what it
revealed about you?
2048
01:21:41,880 --> 01:21:43,609
You are generous.
2049
01:21:43,760 --> 01:21:45,000
You're kind.
2050
01:21:45,400 --> 01:21:46,811
You're imaginative.
2051
01:21:46,920 --> 01:21:48,360
You always remember
what's important.
2052
01:21:48,480 --> 01:21:50,130
You're ready for anything.
2053
01:21:50,280 --> 01:21:52,282
You're a bit of a lightweight
when it comes to cocaine.
2054
01:21:52,440 --> 01:21:55,125
But I think that
is a great quality.
2055
01:21:56,760 --> 01:21:59,161
I just think that
you're really amazing.
2056
01:22:01,840 --> 01:22:03,763
That's why I'm fuckin' you
in the first place.
2057
01:22:04,320 --> 01:22:05,446
Oh...
2058
01:22:08,000 --> 01:22:09,809
You know what this
revealed about you?
2059
01:22:10,760 --> 01:22:13,366
It revealed that
you would do anything
2060
01:22:13,920 --> 01:22:15,922
to get those iPads
back for me.
2061
01:22:16,320 --> 01:22:18,800
And there is no one
I would rather be with
2062
01:22:18,960 --> 01:22:20,530
when the shit hits the fan.
2063
01:22:23,000 --> 01:22:24,161
God, I lucked out.
2064
01:22:26,040 --> 01:22:27,326
I lucked out.
2065
01:22:27,680 --> 01:22:30,160
I fucking love you.
2066
01:22:35,840 --> 01:22:37,285
Excuse me. Public place.
2067
01:22:37,720 --> 01:22:39,131
- Oh, hi, Mom.
- Excuse me. Hi.
2068
01:22:39,280 --> 01:22:40,645
MAN: Good morning,
everyone.
2069
01:22:40,800 --> 01:22:43,041
Let's all settle in
and find a seat.
2070
01:22:43,200 --> 01:22:45,806
My name is Principal
Rodriguez and I would like
2071
01:22:45,880 --> 01:22:47,291
to welcome everyone
2072
01:22:47,480 --> 01:22:50,290
to our fourth-grade
graduation ceremony.
2073
01:22:50,480 --> 01:22:52,130
First up,
I'd like to introduce
2074
01:22:52,200 --> 01:22:54,680
our video yearbook maestro,
2075
01:22:54,840 --> 01:22:56,365
- Clive Hargrove.
- Yeah!
2076
01:22:56,680 --> 01:22:57,886
(CHEERING)
2077
01:22:59,480 --> 01:23:00,970
Whoo!
(WHISTLES)
2078
01:23:02,560 --> 01:23:04,483
This is a video I made
2079
01:23:04,560 --> 01:23:06,722
showing the amazing
year we had.
2080
01:23:06,880 --> 01:23:10,248
Taking pictures and videos
is really important.
2081
01:23:10,640 --> 01:23:12,563
Because it reminds us
2082
01:23:12,640 --> 01:23:14,085
what's really important.
2083
01:23:14,400 --> 01:23:15,890
WOMAN: Aw...
(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)
2084
01:23:16,560 --> 01:23:18,767
and all the amazing
times we had.
2085
01:23:18,920 --> 01:23:22,606
So now I present to you our
fourth-grade video yearbook.
2086
01:23:22,960 --> 01:23:24,962
(CROWD CHEERING)
2087
01:23:30,400 --> 01:23:32,721
You erased the video off
of our computer, right?
2088
01:23:35,000 --> 01:23:36,331
Right, Jay?
2089
01:23:36,400 --> 01:23:38,209
Is it Video 1
or Movie 1?
2090
01:23:38,280 --> 01:23:39,725
Video 1, I think.
2091
01:23:40,080 --> 01:23:41,889
- I love you. Call 911.
- Okay.
2092
01:23:42,560 --> 01:23:44,847
- JAY: It's Video 1.
- No, wait, it's Movie 1.
2093
01:23:45,040 --> 01:23:46,610
No! It's not Movie 1.
2094
01:23:46,680 --> 01:23:47,966
BOY: Wait, is it
the most recent one?
2095
01:23:48,120 --> 01:23:49,921
- CLIVE: Yeah,
- JAY: No! The most recent one.
2096
01:23:49,960 --> 01:23:52,122
- What's Frankensync?
- Hurry, honey, hurry.
2097
01:23:55,440 --> 01:23:56,566
(TIME OF YOUR LIFE PLAYING)
2098
01:23:56,640 --> 01:23:57,641
(YELLS)
2099
01:23:59,000 --> 01:24:00,001
(GRUNTS)
2100
01:24:00,200 --> 01:24:01,804
(EXCITED CHATTER, GASPING)
(ANNIE GASPS)
2101
01:24:05,600 --> 01:24:07,807
It's okay. It was the right thing to do.
He's fine.
2102
01:24:07,960 --> 01:24:09,769
Shit. Are you okay?
2103
01:24:10,640 --> 01:24:12,404
I'm not okay, man.
2104
01:24:12,480 --> 01:24:13,970
Okay. Uh, uh...
2105
01:24:14,040 --> 01:24:15,724
Why doesn't Tess
bring you to the hospital
2106
01:24:15,800 --> 01:24:17,564
and I'll just make sure
your computer's okay.
2107
01:24:18,560 --> 01:24:19,925
- Dude!
- That's insane.
2108
01:24:20,560 --> 01:24:22,403
You take him
to the hospital.
2109
01:24:22,480 --> 01:24:23,970
I will make sure
the computer's okay.
2110
01:24:24,480 --> 01:24:26,084
No, wait,
I feel like I'm being...
2111
01:24:26,160 --> 01:24:27,446
Careful, careful,
careful.
2112
01:24:29,480 --> 01:24:30,720
- Hey, guys.
- OTHERS: Hmm?
2113
01:24:30,800 --> 01:24:32,768
Let's just take
a minute and acknowledge
2114
01:24:32,880 --> 01:24:34,769
that we have a lot
to celebrate.
2115
01:24:34,960 --> 01:24:37,327
Your mom gettin' an offer on her blog.
(PHONE RINGS)
2116
01:24:37,480 --> 01:24:40,086
I'll get it. So why did
you jump off the balcony?
2117
01:24:40,400 --> 01:24:43,085
(STAMMERS) I told you, sweetie.
I tripped.
2118
01:24:43,240 --> 01:24:44,480
That's why
it's very important
2119
01:24:44,600 --> 01:24:46,921
to always use the railings,
2120
01:24:47,800 --> 01:24:50,167
and to label
your videos properly.
2121
01:24:50,320 --> 01:24:52,280
Can I go get some ice cream
with Howard and Marta?
2122
01:24:53,000 --> 01:24:54,047
Um...
2123
01:24:55,280 --> 01:24:56,930
- No.
- Why not?
2124
01:24:57,840 --> 01:24:59,444
Because it's family night.
2125
01:24:59,640 --> 01:25:02,610
And after this I think we
should all go get some donuts.
2126
01:25:02,920 --> 01:25:04,968
And maybe laser tag.
2127
01:25:05,160 --> 01:25:06,525
- Awesome.
- ANNIE: Are you sure?
2128
01:25:06,680 --> 01:25:08,648
You can barely
move over there.
2129
01:25:08,720 --> 01:25:09,801
She's right.
2130
01:25:10,200 --> 01:25:11,440
I'm sure.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
2131
01:25:17,640 --> 01:25:19,404
- Howard.
- Jay.
2132
01:25:19,480 --> 01:25:22,051
We told you,
Clive is busy tonight.
2133
01:25:22,440 --> 01:25:23,805
A moment, please.
2134
01:25:32,160 --> 01:25:34,128
So? I see what
you're up to, asshole.
2135
01:25:34,280 --> 01:25:36,203
I have no idea what you're
talkin' about, Howard.
2136
01:25:36,480 --> 01:25:37,845
With holding Clive.
2137
01:25:38,560 --> 01:25:40,722
Looks like I might have
some moves of my own.
2138
01:25:40,880 --> 01:25:42,166
Might wanna
watch your back.
2139
01:25:42,720 --> 01:25:43,960
Are you threatening me, Jay?
2140
01:25:44,320 --> 01:25:46,482
I ain't payin' you shit,
motherfucker.
2141
01:25:46,640 --> 01:25:47,971
Have you seen what
I'm capable of?
2142
01:25:48,080 --> 01:25:49,969
I jumped off
a fuckin' balcony.
2143
01:25:50,080 --> 01:25:51,320
You do not
want to cross me.
2144
01:25:51,400 --> 01:25:54,483
I don't care anymore. And that
makes me fuckin' dangerous.
2145
01:25:56,080 --> 01:25:57,411
Yeah, boy.
2146
01:25:59,920 --> 01:26:02,446
This is the last copy
2147
01:26:02,520 --> 01:26:04,249
of your stupid tape.
All right?
2148
01:26:04,400 --> 01:26:06,004
I deleted all
of the other copies.
2149
01:26:06,320 --> 01:26:07,401
Why should I believe you?
2150
01:26:08,040 --> 01:26:09,166
Doin' it for Clive.
2151
01:26:09,480 --> 01:26:10,845
To protect him.
2152
01:26:11,080 --> 01:26:12,411
Can't have this
shit out there,
2153
01:26:12,520 --> 01:26:14,170
so I'm makin' a sacrifice.
2154
01:26:15,760 --> 01:26:17,285
Plus, he's kinda
my only friend
2155
01:26:17,400 --> 01:26:18,845
and I really wanna
hang out with him.
2156
01:26:21,440 --> 01:26:23,363
I can respect
that decision.
2157
01:26:23,880 --> 01:26:25,006
Believe me, Jay.
2158
01:26:25,080 --> 01:26:26,411
This is harder to
give back to you
2159
01:26:26,480 --> 01:26:27,845
than you could
ever imagine.
2160
01:26:27,920 --> 01:26:29,365
Yeah. It's a good move,
though.
2161
01:26:30,240 --> 01:26:31,446
(SIGHS)
2162
01:26:32,880 --> 01:26:34,120
Let go of
the fuckin' thing.
2163
01:26:36,440 --> 01:26:37,521
(CLICKS TONGUE)
2164
01:26:39,600 --> 01:26:40,601
I'll be by tomorrow.
2165
01:26:41,960 --> 01:26:44,281
I'll see ya then,
you fuckin' weirdo.
2166
01:26:47,080 --> 01:26:48,889
- ANNIE: That's it?
- Yep.
2167
01:26:49,600 --> 01:26:51,125
That's the last copy.
2168
01:26:51,960 --> 01:26:53,007
Okay?
2169
01:26:53,080 --> 01:26:54,206
(SIGHS QUIETLY)
2170
01:26:55,480 --> 01:26:56,481
Hmm?
2171
01:26:58,280 --> 01:26:59,566
Wait!
2172
01:27:01,880 --> 01:27:03,803
- Just this once?
- Just this once.
2173
01:27:03,960 --> 01:27:05,405
And we don't even have to
watch the whole thing.
2174
01:27:05,480 --> 01:27:07,721
- We can just skip around a little bit.
- Okay? Mm-hmm.
2175
01:27:07,800 --> 01:27:09,211
Hello.
2176
01:27:09,280 --> 01:27:10,281
Hi.
2177
01:27:10,360 --> 01:27:11,646
And welcome...
2178
01:27:13,160 --> 01:27:15,288
I'm glad that we didn't go
fucking roller skating.
2179
01:27:17,320 --> 01:27:20,005
(PANTING)
2180
01:27:22,720 --> 01:27:23,721
(GRUNTING)
2181
01:27:26,520 --> 01:27:28,170
(SHAVER BUZZING)
2182
01:27:32,160 --> 01:27:34,322
ANNIE: (ON VIDEO) Put your
leg between my butt cheeks.
2183
01:27:34,480 --> 01:27:36,767
And then you lick
my armpit.
2184
01:27:36,920 --> 01:27:38,922
- Really?
- Mm-hmm. That's what it says.
2185
01:27:39,080 --> 01:27:40,081
All right.
2186
01:27:40,240 --> 01:27:41,685
Armpit it is.
2187
01:27:48,200 --> 01:27:49,361
How is it?
2188
01:27:49,920 --> 01:27:51,001
It's fine.
2189
01:27:51,200 --> 01:27:52,565
ANNIE: I'm gonna be
so impressed.
2190
01:27:52,640 --> 01:27:53,687
Okay, here I go.
2191
01:27:57,000 --> 01:27:59,207
One, two, three.
2192
01:28:01,000 --> 01:28:02,889
ANNIE: Okay. Good?
2193
01:28:03,040 --> 01:28:05,042
- JAY: All right. Get in there.
- Should I come in?
2194
01:28:06,520 --> 01:28:07,646
- ANNIE: Oh, wow.
- Yeah.
2195
01:28:07,840 --> 01:28:09,126
- Okay?
- Yeah.
2196
01:28:14,360 --> 01:28:16,761
- Yeah, totally, come on.
- JAY: Yeah? Okay.
2197
01:28:16,880 --> 01:28:18,120
Yeah. Of course, honey.
2198
01:28:18,200 --> 01:28:19,565
Oh, my God. This is so cute.
2199
01:28:20,520 --> 01:28:21,726
(ANNIE GIGGLES)
2200
01:28:23,000 --> 01:28:24,047
(JAY SIGHS)
2201
01:28:25,120 --> 01:28:27,043
Thank you for doing this.
This is my dream.
2202
01:28:27,200 --> 01:28:28,804
Always wanted to do this.
2203
01:28:30,200 --> 01:28:32,520
- ANNIE: You got such a great outfit, honey.
- JAY: Thanks.
2204
01:28:33,400 --> 01:28:37,803
♪ Take me out ♪
♪ to the ball game ♪
2205
01:28:38,000 --> 01:28:41,561
♪ Take me out to the park ♪
2206
01:28:42,240 --> 01:28:44,163
♪ Buy me some peanuts ♪
♪ and Cracker Jacks ♪
2207
01:28:44,320 --> 01:28:49,645
♪ I don't care ♪
♪ if I ever get back ♪
2208
01:28:50,760 --> 01:28:55,243
♪ One, a-two, ♪
♪ a-three strikes you're out ♪
2209
01:28:55,400 --> 01:29:02,363
♪ At the old ball game ♪
2210
01:29:02,720 --> 01:29:03,767
(YOU CAN LEAVE
YOUR HAT ON PLAYING)
2211
01:29:03,840 --> 01:29:05,080
You ready?
2212
01:29:06,000 --> 01:29:08,207
Yeah. Totally.
2213
01:29:09,360 --> 01:29:10,521
ANNIE: on!
(YELLS IN PAIN)
2214
01:29:12,080 --> 01:29:13,570
My balls! My balls!
2215
01:29:13,640 --> 01:29:15,320
No, don't touch me,
don't touch me! Please!
2216
01:29:17,280 --> 01:29:19,123
Do it!
(GRUNTS)
2217
01:29:19,600 --> 01:29:21,090
Ow! Fuck!
2218
01:29:21,240 --> 01:29:23,049
Oh, my God! I kneed
you in the vagina!
2219
01:29:25,040 --> 01:29:27,281
Honey, I ran track
in college! I can do this!
2220
01:29:28,600 --> 01:29:30,568
On! Oh...!
Oh...!
2221
01:29:31,800 --> 01:29:33,086
JAY: You stuck the landing!
2222
01:29:39,640 --> 01:29:42,928
♪ Oh, they don't know ♪
♪ what love is... ♪
2223
01:29:43,920 --> 01:29:46,321
JAY: (ON VIDEO)
Yee-haw! Wow!
2224
01:29:49,840 --> 01:29:52,889
♪ They don't know ♪
♪ what love is... ♪
2225
01:29:55,480 --> 01:30:00,202
♪ But I-I-I-I-I-I... ♪
2226
01:30:00,600 --> 01:30:04,047
♪ I know what love is ♪
2227
01:30:07,120 --> 01:30:08,645
♪ Come on, baby ♪
2228
01:30:10,320 --> 01:30:14,291
♪ Let's show, show them ♪
♪ how to do it ♪
2229
01:30:15,920 --> 01:30:17,081
♪ Do it ♪
2230
01:30:17,560 --> 01:30:19,961
♪ Do it, do it, do it, baby ♪
2231
01:30:21,120 --> 01:30:23,600
(UNDONE PLAYING)
2232
01:30:23,880 --> 01:30:26,201
♪ Oh, oh... ♪
2233
01:30:26,600 --> 01:30:29,001
♪ Oh, oh... ♪
2234
01:30:29,400 --> 01:30:31,687
♪ Oh, oh... ♪
2235
01:30:31,840 --> 01:30:34,446
♪ Yesterday just another day ♪
2236
01:30:34,680 --> 01:30:37,160
♪ Just like any other day ♪
2237
01:30:37,320 --> 01:30:39,926
♪ For we going ♪
♪ to change this mind ♪
2238
01:30:40,000 --> 01:30:43,447
♪ Keep around like we've got ♪
♪ mountains of time ♪
2239
01:30:43,520 --> 01:30:45,443
♪ Won't you come and sit down? ♪
2240
01:30:45,520 --> 01:30:48,126
♪ Yes, right here ♪
♪ on the ground ♪
2241
01:30:48,280 --> 01:30:50,965
♪ Tell me the story ♪
♪ of how we met ♪
2242
01:30:51,040 --> 01:30:53,884
♪ Not that I never ♪
♪ let you forget ♪
2243
01:30:54,040 --> 01:30:56,520
♪ I wanna be yours ♪
♪ I wanna be ours ♪
2244
01:30:56,600 --> 01:30:59,570
♪ I wanna do the stuff ♪
♪ in the back of your car ♪
2245
01:30:59,680 --> 01:31:02,047
♪ I wanna be good ♪
♪ I wanna be cruel ♪
2246
01:31:02,120 --> 01:31:05,203
♪ I wanna be the girl that ♪
♪ you wanted in high school ♪
2247
01:31:05,280 --> 01:31:07,806
♪ I wanna be a model ♪
♪ I wanna be clever ♪
2248
01:31:07,880 --> 01:31:10,724
♪ I wanna feel ♪
♪ this way forever ♪
2249
01:31:10,800 --> 01:31:13,371
♪ I wanna be the one ♪
♪ I wanna be the one ♪
2250
01:31:13,440 --> 01:31:17,047
♪ I wanna be the one that ♪
♪ makes you come undone ♪
2251
01:31:17,280 --> 01:31:18,611
♪ Oh... ♪
2252
01:31:19,040 --> 01:31:21,441
♪ Oh, oh... ♪
2253
01:31:21,720 --> 01:31:23,961
♪ Oh, oh... ♪
2254
01:31:24,560 --> 01:31:26,847
♪ Oh, oh... ♪
2255
01:31:27,320 --> 01:31:30,005
♪ You can make me ♪
♪ feel like a girl ♪
2256
01:31:30,080 --> 01:31:32,321
♪ Just shout out ♪
♪ the rest of the world ♪
2257
01:31:32,480 --> 01:31:35,131
♪ Lay your head on my heart ♪
2258
01:31:35,240 --> 01:31:38,289
♪ Or you can just pull ♪
♪ my body apart ♪
2259
01:31:38,360 --> 01:31:40,681
♪ Yesterday, just another day ♪
2260
01:31:40,760 --> 01:31:43,366
♪ Just like any other day ♪
2261
01:31:43,480 --> 01:31:46,245
♪ I think we just ♪
♪ changed this mind ♪
2262
01:31:46,920 --> 01:31:49,161
♪ We've got tiles of times ♪
2263
01:31:49,360 --> 01:31:51,761
♪ I wanna be yours ♪
♪ I wanna be ours ♪
2264
01:31:51,840 --> 01:31:54,810
♪ I wanna do the stuff ♪
♪ in the back of your car ♪
2265
01:31:54,880 --> 01:31:57,451
♪ I wanna be good ♪
♪ I wanna be cruel ♪
2266
01:31:57,520 --> 01:32:00,330
♪ I wanna be the girl that ♪
♪ you wanted in high school ♪
2267
01:32:00,440 --> 01:32:03,011
♪ I wanna be a model ♪
♪ I wanna be clever ♪
2268
01:32:03,120 --> 01:32:05,771
♪ I wanna feel ♪
♪ this way forever ♪
2269
01:32:05,840 --> 01:32:08,286
♪ I wanna be the one ♪
♪ I wanna be the one ♪
2270
01:32:08,360 --> 01:32:12,684
♪ I wanna be the one ♪
♪ that makes you come undone ♪
2271
01:32:12,760 --> 01:32:13,761
♪ Oh, oh... ♪
2272
01:32:14,200 --> 01:32:16,441
♪ Oh, oh... ♪
2273
01:32:16,920 --> 01:32:19,400
♪ Oh, oh... ♪
2274
01:32:19,800 --> 01:32:22,007
♪ Oh, oh... ♪
2275
01:32:44,480 --> 01:32:46,926
♪ I wanna be yours ♪
♪ I wanna be ours ♪
2276
01:32:47,040 --> 01:32:49,850
♪ I wanna do the stuff ♪
♪ in the back of your car ♪
2277
01:32:49,960 --> 01:32:52,566
♪ I wanna be good ♪
♪ I wanna be cruel ♪
2278
01:32:52,640 --> 01:32:55,484
♪ I wanna be the girl that ♪
♪ you wanted in high school ♪
2279
01:32:55,560 --> 01:32:58,166
♪ I wanna be a model ♪
♪ I wanna be clever ♪
2280
01:32:58,280 --> 01:33:00,760
♪ I wanna feel ♪
♪ this way forever ♪
2281
01:33:00,920 --> 01:33:03,400
♪ I wanna be the one ♪
♪ I wanna be the one ♪
2282
01:33:03,480 --> 01:33:07,565
♪ I wanna be the one that ♪
♪ makes you come undone ♪
2283
01:33:07,680 --> 01:33:08,886
♪ Oh, oh... ♪
2284
01:33:09,360 --> 01:33:11,601
♪ Oh, oh... ♪
2285
01:33:12,080 --> 01:33:14,526
♪ Oh, oh... ♪
2286
01:33:14,880 --> 01:33:17,326
♪ Oh, oh... ♪
2287
01:33:25,640 --> 01:33:27,404
(SO MUCH BETTER PLAYING)
2288
01:33:28,680 --> 01:33:33,242
♪ You look so much better now ♪
♪ that you have found her ♪
2289
01:33:33,520 --> 01:33:37,206
♪ So much better with ♪
♪ your arms around her ♪
2290
01:33:37,360 --> 01:33:41,126
♪ In a world ♪
♪ that's all your own ♪
2291
01:33:41,360 --> 01:33:45,206
♪ Never spend ♪
♪ another night alone ♪
2292
01:33:45,360 --> 01:33:53,051
♪ You look so much better ♪
2293
01:33:53,280 --> 01:33:57,171
♪ You look so much better... ♪
2294
01:34:04,880 --> 01:34:09,568
♪ You look so much better now ♪
♪ that you have found her ♪
2295
01:34:09,760 --> 01:34:13,401
♪ So much better with ♪
♪ your arms around her ♪
2296
01:34:13,560 --> 01:34:17,360
♪ In a world ♪
♪ that's all your own ♪
2297
01:34:17,560 --> 01:34:21,246
♪ Never spend another night... ♪
2298
01:34:23,000 --> 01:34:25,571
♪ Alone... ♪
163719
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