Original subtitles

Of all the people you fucked‐‐my mother?

Hey, somebody had to! Oh, you piece of shit!

Take your stuff and get the fuck out!

Fuck you! Hey, double fuck you!

[laughs] And in New York,

that's considered pillow talk!

[laughter, applause]

Hi, folks. I'm your tour guide Rita,

and we'll be seeing little vignettes like that

being played out from improvisers

like Billy and Janet over there.

[crowd whooping]

Very nice. Very, very nice.

So here's a fun fact about my life.

My life partner Kiki moved out

since I adopted a family of rats that I keep as pets.

Fuckin' hate my life. I'm gonna fuckin'

blow my brains out when I get home.

Fuckin' Trump voters. Trump voting pieces of shit.

Fucking homophobic pieces of shit.

Fuckin racist. Home‐schooled

fuckin' Sarah Palin

is their beauty icon. Fuck you!

What's more important, right?

My life partner or my rat family?

[laughs] Okay, let's give it up

to these two dipshit improvisers, right?

[cheers and applause] Yeah, dipshit improvisers!

[laughs]

Okay, now, movin' on...

Well, as I've said to many a first date,

welcome to the bottom. Just when you think things

couldn't get more degrading,

we are improvising for tourists outside.

I hope my face doesn't get too chapped.

I'm getting new head shots after this.

New Tinder pic?

No. I'm over Tinder.

Too many nice guys. I'm so sick of nice.

No, these are for work. I saw an ad for free head shots.

Hey, do you wanna get some too?

You know, I would, but I prefer using the head shot

where I'm still at my original goal weight.

Sure, people are surprised when I show up

and I'm no longer 11,

but I still have hope in my eyes.

Besides, I have plans later.

Food or TV related?

Both, girlfriend. I am curling up

with my snack blankets to watch

the Lifetime movie to end all Lifetime movies.

They are doing a male reboot of "Thelma & Louise."

Ah! The reverse "Ghost Busters'ing" has begun.

Isn't it comforting to know that at no point

someone at Lifetime was like, "Maybe people

"don't wanna watch two men going around beating up women

until they drive off a cliff together"?

Oh, next bus.

Oh. Time to dance for more evolution deniers.

And you can take all your fuckin' shit,

you cheatin' pig! Hey, it's not my fault

that your father eats pussy like he was starving!

Hey, fuck you! Fuck you!

[driving punk rock music]

♪ ♪

LOUIS: Thelmo? THELMO: Yeah, Louis?

LOUIS: I'm getting a real knack for this shit.

Beatin' up bitches, I mean. [woman screams]

This is bad for women.

Well, signature cocktail, I did it.

I installed your new Soda Stream showerhead.

Your dream of carbonated showers to jazz up your mornings

has become a reality. Hey, babe,

I need a breather from the Sweet Snack Blanket.

Can you grab the Savory one from the bedroom?

You're welcome. Yeah, the soda syrup attachment

was a nightmare to hang, but...I did it.

[women screaming] When's dinner?

Uh, America runs on Dunkin,

I'm starting to feel a little taken for granted

and, you know, not really listened to.

Mm‐hmm. Exactly.

Don't you feel the new "Rocky Horror's"

so much better than the old one? The one with Laverne Cox?

They're deleting the original. Did you know that?

[women screaming] Yeah, yeah, great.

THELMO: I don't recall ever feelin' this awake‐‐

chainsawin' women's legs off! [women screaming]

NATE: Hey, nice pictures.

Thanks. I got new head shots.

Not bad, right? Yeah.

And they were free. Free head shots?

What'd you have to do,

Promise not to have sex with a photographer?

Pull a reverse Coco from "Fame"

and just keep putting on more and more clothes

while you cried?

Hey, Billy, autograph one for me.

Once you make it, I'll hang it on the wall.

Aw, thanks, Nate. You got it.

That'll be the only time Billy's ever hung.

Ooh, snap, snap, Joe Papp,

public theater, water tap,

if he hollers, let him go,

Laurie Metcalf, Margaret Cho.

There you go. Billy, I'm always

in your corner. I'm sure you're gonna make it.

Yes, doctor, the swelling is gone,

but I'm afraid so is most of the filler!

Being as thin as I am, I'm worried

that my skin might crepe.

Okay, I'll text you a picture, but call me back.

[click]

Oh, I'm sorry, dear.

You know how difficult it is

to get a doctor to call you back.

So where were we? We were talking about

how my mom puts herself first,

second, and third.

That sounds a lot like my daughter.

I mean, I guess she has this high‐pressure job‐‐

Boom! No longer like my daughter.

[laughing] If you knew my daughter,

you'd realize how that is very funny.

So my mom's this big‐deal editor, so what?

Slow down, slow down. Editor? What, for books?

Yeah. My mom runs Veronica Ford.

Oh! Like last week, when I got

into that car accident on the way to our session,

she didn't even pick me up from the hospital.

I had to get a Chore Rabbit. The vibrator?

What? No. It's that app

where you get strangers to do your tasks for you?

Anyway, my mom left me at the hospital

'cause she was closing Steve Bannon's deal

to do a sci‐fi novel set out of Yeshiva.

Wait a minute‐‐You were in an accident in this neighborhood?

Yeah. Right outside your office.

Last Tuesday?

Remember?

I called you from the ambulance and you told me

about your no‐cancellation policy?

Oh, my God. That could have been me.

I was gonna move my car at that moment

for alternate side of the street parking.

I could have been killed.

Right. But you didn't get into a car accident.

I did. Enough about you, Alexis!

I could have been wiped out.

And then what would I have to show for my life?

I need a legacy, and you need to

leave your check on the chair.

[sighs]

What is my legacy?

[inhales]

[loudly] Nam myoho renge kyo!

[upbeat music]

Rental agreement... you like?

Oh, look at you! You dressed up

for Blues Brothers Night also!

Greg is Elwood tonight, because I'm switching it up.

Actually, click bait, I'm dressed for dinner.

We have reservations at Eleven Madison Park.

But I'm about to take a bath.

You should have told me. Oh, I did.

Get changed! I have many surprises in store

for our anniversary.

Arthur, you know my philosophy about anniversaries.

I don't think unmarried couples have them.

It's too arbitrary. What are we commemorating?

Our first date, moving in, anal?

It isn't arbitrary. Today marks the first time

you referred to me as your boyfriend.

Granted, it was to make your roommate

feel bad about being single... Oh, right.

Dead Tooth Lisa.

Ooh! The horrors of the human body.

The 25th was the day you said boyfriend.

It was unforgettable.

And the first time I felt safe.

But, Arthur, I'm about to fill the tub up

with some hot seltzer.

Can't we just take a rain check?

No! God damn it!

This mattered to me as a couple.

I'm your boyfriend, not your assistant.

I was gonna surprise you

with a suite at a fancy hotel,

but I got a better idea‐‐ I'm going myself.

[door closes] Oh...

if he'd led with the hotel suite, I would have rallied.

[upbeat music]

Hey, I said no spicy mustard on my hot dog!

It ain't spicy, pal!

Oh, fuck you! I want my money back.

Fuck you! You're not gettin' it back!

Here in New York, that's considered pillow talk!

[laughter, applause]

Ha ha ha ha ha! Those dumb New Yorkers

are animals!

[laughter, applause]

Speaking of animals, who wants to see photos

of my pet rats dressed up in graduation cap and gown?

Billy, I can't with this today‐‐I need help.

I've already blown up the microwave

and broke my new shower.

Arthur went to that hotel by himself last night,

and he never even called me.

Wait. Are you in an ad?

That's my free head shot.

They can't do that!

Did you sign a waiver?

Well, the photographer asked me for my autograph

in case I ever made it big one day.

I'm an idiot!

I'm an idiot in an anti‐circumcism ad.

JULIE: So you did sign a waiver? Well, yeah.

But then this fucking asshole photographer

sold my likeness to the ad agency.

It's ridiculous! I even gave him

a thank‐you blow job. Ugh! Nothing in New York

is free. Was it good, at least?

How was his dick? Confusing.

And then this waiver is insane.

Listen to this. "This agency can use my likeness

"in all media that has or hasn't yet been invented

"throughout the universe, in eternity,

and whatever else may come after eternity."

The only time Godless Hollywood

ever evokes the afterlife is in its paperwork.

Meanwhile, still no Arthur, and this apartment

is a bigger mess than "How To Get Away With Murder."

I ordered a Chore Rabbit to help.

Mr. Epstein? Todd's ready for you.

All right, I gotta go. Time to play struggling actor

that doesn't know any better.

Ah, the ol' "Sharon Lawrence."

I miss Dennis Franz's ass. Bye.

So you see, as an actor starting out,

this anti‐circumcision campaign,

it could really limit my opportunities down the road.

Do you know what I mean?

Like the Old Spice hot guy in the towel?

Oh. Yeah, he was definitely hot.

Yeah. He was really hot.

Oh, did you go to Yale?

Yeah. Did you?

I did! Hey!

Whoa! Well...

since you're a fellow Yalie...

Oh, my God, thank you so much.

I really appreciate anything that you can do.

I'll let you use my phone. I'm sorry.

To call a lawyer to get you out of your contract.

But good luck, 'cause that shit is airtight.

You're not gonna help me out here?

What's that expression, that...

No. What the fuck?

Why are you being such a dick? Hey, it's not my fault

you signed something without reading it.

Okay, so let me get this straight.

Your ad agency tricks broke actors

into becoming your models? That is so sad.

Oh, but nothing's sad about needing free head shots?

They're like 40 bucks. Or blow the photographer.

Eew! Villain.

Fine! We'll have to

figure this out another way. Yeah?

Yeah. And by the way, great ad agency you have here.

I seem to forget the episode of "Mad Men"

where Don Draper books the big anti‐circumcision campaign.

It's inspired an entire movement!

Men march down the streets

being vocal about how bad they feel about their cocks.

Oh, good for you.

You've given Reddit users something to do outside.

Well, on the plus side, the "Nobody Asked Me" campaign

is more exposure than you'll ever get,

you sad 40‐year‐old waiter.

I'm 36, and the joke's on you,

because Olympia Dukakis didn't get her big break

until she was 64!

You're just embarrassing yourself.

Says the 40‐something in skinny jeans.

38, and they're slim fit. And I'm calling security.

Good! Call security. What do I care?

I'm the fucking anti‐circumcision guy now!

Fuck you! This isn't over.

I couldn't agree more. Hey, fuck you!

Hey, fuck you! Fuck you!

Fuck you.

[pop music]

Perfect! What's perfect?

That sexy‐ass scene in "Cocoon"

where Don Ameche and Wilford Brimley

do a water ballet? No, you asshole

with a stereotype attached.

No, I'm finally using Facebook for the way it was intended.

Sharing that sexy‐ass scene from "Cocoon"

where Don Ameche and Wilford Brimley do a water ballet?

No! I'm linking to a fake page

to get revenge on this guy.

"Recovery group for Yale sex offenders,

"and founder and president Todd

has gone 13 days without an offense!"

Why not kill him with kindness?

When they go low, you go high.

It always works.

Send him an Edible Arrangement. Ooh! Blind item.

I once had an edible arrangement with Clive Davis.

Holy shit! Todd must have seen the page.

He just wrote back. "Bad move, old waiter.

You're punching above your weight."

[gasps] But how is that possible?

I‐I mean, who's above your weight?

Matthew, you make Peter Tolan and Milo Yiannopoulos

look like the best we have to offer.

JULIE: Who is it? It's Rick from Chore Rabbit.

Wow, already? That was fast.

I just ordered you. Well, you know,

we're not "chore turtles."

[laughing]

Let's take a look around.

Wow. Uh‐huh.

[clicks tongue] I know, it's pretty bad.

But my boyfriend's usually the one who cleans,

and I'm the...well, I'm the funny, arty one.

You hush. You don't ever have to apologize to me

or explain yourself to me.

You ask...and I do.

And I want nothing in return.

Wow, amazing!

If I remembered your name, I would thank you personally,

so...instead I say, Rabbit, where have you been all my life?

[laughing] Waiting for you to call,

Choremistress.

So the first thing is, um, my showerhead is broken,

if you don't mind taking a look at that.

I've been having to use the ladies' room at Red Lobster

and wipe down my privates with a wet nap.

The ol' "Sharon Lawrence," right? I get it.

And then I have some laundry as well,

and I'm actually kinda hungry.

Is there any...rule against ordering more than one Rabbit?

No, that's fine‐‐just push multiply on the app.

We're here to serve only... you.

[inhales and exhales shakily]

[light piano music]

Ms. Ford. Veronica.

Veronica. Veron‐‐Well, it's very hard

talking to you like this.

I start every day upside down.

It gets the blood out of my heart and into my head

where it belongs. Alex!

Spin me!

Ohh...

Be gone!

Officious little queen.

Okay, so what is wrong with my daughter?

You told my assistant that she may be at risk

of harming herself or others?

Yes. And as a mental health professional,

I take my duty to warn very seriously.

Alexis was at risk of harming millions of potential readers

when she refused to give you my book proposal.

By the way, I have a book proposal.

I'm gonna stop you right there.

Actually, I have more to say. Actually, no, you don't.

Actually‐‐ Actually,

you're never going to out‐actually me,

so stop.

I only sell titles that dazzle

by authors with buzz: "Dress For the Job you Want

Or the Blowjob Your Boss Wants,"

by Roger Ailes. Rest in power, Rog.

"Oops, If I Did It Again.

The OJ 'What If?' sequel"?

No one knows who you are.

You're in my office, and I don't know who you are.

Well, once my book is published,

everyone will know who I am.

I am going to be like doctors Phil, Laura, and Oz

all combined in a tight little package.

Thank you, Pilates, and strength of character.

Let's discuss strength of character.

You had the nerve to get in here

by lying about my daughter's mental health.

That is a total... cunt move.

I love cunt moves.

I respect them and the cunts that move them!

[whispers] Namaste.

So I'm gonna give you some free advice.

Every famous shrink has a catchphrase.

Keep talking. I'm getting very aroused.

Normal or not normal?

I'm the wrong person to ask.

I have to think about plane crashes to achieve orgasm.

Mm‐hmm.

So do you have a catchphrase?

Yes, of course I do.

I...say a phrase

at the end of every session.

Um...

"That's amore!"

Awful.

Come up with a good catchphrase,

and I'll give you a book deal.

Now, get out.

I've gotta Skype with the Boston Marathon bomber

about his new YA series.

Hey, how's your little feudy‐dude thing going?

Did the internet revenge thing work?

I think so. I haven't heard a peep

outta that asshole since. I'm just glad to have

all the negativity behind me.

Oh, speaking of negativity behind me,

did I ever tell you about the time Gore Vidal came on my back?

Matthew! Billy.

Nate! Oh, this is fun.

Billy!

He put me in another ad?!

Are you fucking kidding me?

I must have a selfie!

Oh, come here, Billy Billboard!

Come to Matty!

Here, Billy! [horns honking]

Here, Billy‐‐ [glass shatters] Aaaah!

♪ ♪

Is there anything else we can do for you?

Maybe just some personal space.

No offense, Rabbit.

I'm used to one person doing all of this for me.

Arthur can do it all.

He's like Justin Timberlake

without having to constantly prove that he's funny.

[funny voice] Sounds like somebody wants to eat

some brown sugah out of the box!

Brown sugahhhhh!

Ha ha ha.

It's coming, honey.

[all giggling, muttering]

Todd, there is a fourth guy here to see you.

You might wanna come out here. Is he coming?

I'm, like, needing it hard and raw‐‐Jimmy Jonny,

Jimmy Jonny, Jimmy Jonny.

Jimmy Jonny‐‐ What is it?

They say they answered your ad.

What ad?

Oh, my God, yes! What the fuck?

Yeah! There's that dirty party boy!

"Tina pass around party bottom needs raw loads now"?

I didn't write this ad. If I had,

the copy'd be snappier.

Then who did? I wanna fuck!

[all moaning]

Old Waiter.

[rock music]

And then I keep trying to drive

since the accident, but I'm terrified.

Well, I have a little saying about fear.

Fear is just something...

not near.

Fear...is not here.

Be not near, fear.

For I am here.

What? No, I'm sorry, Alexis.

Please continue.

No, wait‐‐not continue.

Contin‐you. Y‐o‐u.

Oh, that is good. But part of me wonders

if the accident was just me subconsciously

trying to get my mom to pay attention to me.

That's a very interesting concept.

But seems a little complicated.

Try thinking about that in quick, marketable sentences

like...how would you blame your mother

in a more...pithy way?

Yoo‐hoo, Rabbit.

I want a...

Actually, that sounds good. I want a Yoo‐Hoo.

RICK: Yes, Rabbitmistress.

But I've laid some snacks out for you.

Why don't you come out and take a look?

[sighs] Not a fan of walking to snacks, Rabbit.

Hi. Um...

why don't you come over and sit down

and put your feet on me?

Where are the other Rabbits? I sent them away.

You said there were too many people here.

Well, there's still one too many.

But Rabbitmistress, I'm not a people.

I'm a human table.

Use me as you will.

Now, why don't you get over here,

put your feet on me, and eat your fucking snacks.

[wheezy, shrill whimpering]

[rock music]

Oh, God.

Everybody's got a catchphrase but me.

"Me." What about "me"?

Don't leave me out.

Hey, me, it's me!

Ugh!

Oh, God, please let this be a protest

and not an ethnic parade.

ALL: [chanting] No one asked me!

No one asked me! "No one asked me."

No one asked‐‐

No one asked me!

That's it! [men continue chanting]

Condolences to your cocks,

but I have my catchphrase.

No one asked me.

Wait a minute‐‐Billy?

♪ ♪

You! You!

Our lobby has bedbugs because of those tweakers you sent.

You made me the face of Syphilis.

This isn't even close to being even!

Dude, I'm no longer welcome at the Yale Club.

They think I'm a sex offender. What'd I ever do to you?

Huh? Besides get free head shots?

Oh, my God, I am over you hot actor types

thinking that the world owes you something.

Well, maybe the world does owe me something!

Wait. You think I'm a hot actor type?

What are you doing here?

I was gonna plant this KKK robe

and this...Trump/Pence sticker in your office

so that your coworkers think you're a racist piece of shit

and you get fired.

No way. I was pissed!

No, I mean, I was on the way to the cafe

to do the same thing.

Wait a second. How'd you know where I work?

I might have Facebook stalked you a little bit.

Brilliant idea, the Yale Group thing.

And 13 days since my last offense:

very nice detail.

I may have Facebook stalked you a little bit too.

Looked like you had a fun time in Cabo.

Ah, I needed a vacation from that vacation.

Aw, see, I hate when people say that.

Me, too! That was a test!

You're really fucked up. You know that?

You're really fucked up.

[rock music]

♪ ♪

And here in New York,

that's considered pillow talk!

[crowd booing]

Come on!

[continue booing]

No, no, no, no, no. Stop moving around.

Just relax‐eat.

Uh...oh... That's right.

Too much spicy mustard on the hot dog!

This is not what I wanted.

You know what's next.

[door closes] Your seltzer bubble bath.

I used diet Cola syrup.

Before you get in, I'll put a lemon wedge in

so you know it's not regular Coke.

I don't want a bath. I want Arthur!

ARTHUR: What the hell? Pixy Stix pour!

[choking, yelling]

Arthur, help! This Chore Rabbit

is a doormat submissive into non‐consensual humiliation,

and he's pampering me against my will!

[shrilly] You're a liar!

Hey, get away from my girlfriend, Rabbit,

or I'll treat you respectfully

and insist on paying you for your time.

Come on! O‐Okay. Hey...

How 'bout really quick, you guys just

roll me up in the carpet here and take turns stepping on me?

Not today, buddy. No!

Come on, let's go. [whiny] All right.

Jeez. Um, hey, pal,

what about 200 bucks to let me clean your toilet with my face?

[whispers] I can do that. Find an online community.

Okay... Out!

"Out"! Leave the apartment.

I am leaving the apartment. Okay.

I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.

You were right, I was wrong.

I don't want a manservant.

I want you.

Really? Yes, really.

Oh, thank God.

I tried to enjoy myself alone at the hotel,

but by the second day, I found myself trailing a maid,

helping her turn down beds.

And after she tried to Taser me,

I realized, "I shouldn't be here!

"I'm happiest at home!

Taking care of you."

Remember when you said that our anniversary

was a day that you felt safe

and that you'll always remember it?

You remember that? Yeah.

I...made space in my brain

after deleting the lyrics of a Spin Doctors song.

Anyway, I was thinking,

I feel safe today, now,

and I'll certainly never forget this.

So we just make today our anniversary.

I think that sounds perfect.

[whispers] I blew up the microwave

and both dogs are missing.

Let's make love.

♪ ♪

I'm glad things worked out with you and Arthur.

Yeah, me, too. Although I forgot

what our new anniversary is already.

I'm sure he'll remind me. What about you?

Are you gonna see Todd again? Tomorrow night.

Really? Yeah.

He's not too nice, is he?

He's...the worst.

Oh, Billy, I'm so happy for you!

Just, uh, don't look over there.

What? Just don't look over there.

It's hard to see them together.

Hey, where are you going?

Oh, please, like you've never met a guy with syphilis

who wishes he was uncut!

Oh, you're leaving now too? What a loss!

My friend's dick is great. It's more than great!

Good, now I can spread out.

I can spread my syphilis dick out all over the train!

And I can air out my clitoral hood!

Todd and I made out outside.

You did? Yeah!

♪ ♪

MAN: ♪ Thought it'd be easy ♪

♪ Thought they didn't know ♪

♪ You thought it was the only way to go ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Another way out ♪

♪ Found on the way home ♪

♪ Thought you were living fast ♪

♪ But you were living slow ♪

♪ ♪

La la la la!

Oh, my God!