Original subtitles

* [Music]

[heavy breathing]

[moaning]

[Russian sex talk]

[climax noises]

[screaming]

*[dramatic, suspenseful music]

[screaming]

[louder screaming]

SALLY: Bad dream?

ALEX: Awful...

SALLY: Meat cleaver again?

Been having the same dream for weeks...

ALEX: How do you know?

SALLY: You talk in your sleep.

**

CHARLIE: What's the matter huh?

CHARLIE: Yeah...What's the matter?

[cursing in Russian]

CHARLIE: Oh I'm sorry, did I do that?

ALEX: [curses in Russian]

CHARLIE: (laughing) Not bad, yourself?

ALEX: [curses in Russian]

[laughing]

ALEX: [speaking Russian]

ALEX: I can't believe this guy man.

ugh look, Charlie, I'm going to fucking kill him.

SALLY: Did Charlie spray you again?

ALEX: I'll hang him.

SALLY: Ah that poor guy.

He hasn't been the same since his wife left him.

ALEX: Yeah. Neighbour from hell and you feel sorry for him.

ALEX: Ah, briefing. There is, oh,

securities commission is going to tighten regulations.

How many fucking more regulations can we have?

We are over regulated as it is, we can't do anything anymore.

What happened to those days when we could just trade and...

...regulations, I hate regulations.

SALLY: You know that researchers claim that um

recurring dreams are indicative of a guilty conscious...

ALEX: Excuse me honey! Can't you see I'm busy here?

Free shipping on nearly 60,000 online items

with no minimum purchase required.

The offer which includes most electronics...

ALEX: [mumbling] [loud utensil tapping]

ALEX: [mumbling] [loud utensil tapping]

ALEX: Honey.

What's the matter with you?

SALLY: Nothing.

ALEX: [mumbling]

ALEX: [mumbling]

SALLY: Uh are we still going to the movie and dinner tonight?

ALEX: Hmm?

SALLY: We're supposed to go to dinner and a movie, remember?

ALEX: Hmm.

Sure, tonight why not.

ALEX: FedEx expects to move nearly 60 million --

packages on its busiest day.

ALEX: [mumbling]

* [suspenseful music]

ALEX: [mumbling]

ALEX: Morning, Carly.

CARLY: Morning, Alex.

Two messages for you, nothing urgent.

ALEX: Thank you.

[office background noises]

BILKNER: Oh-

Alex, good morning.

ALEX: Sorry. BILKNER: How are you?

ALEX: Very good, thanks, good morning.

BILKNER: Always hard at work, this guy.

GRETCHEN: He certainly is.

BILKNER: You've been with us six months now?

What do you think of Miss DeSatto's performance so far?

ALEX: Great. Amazing. Very serious.

BILKNER: Good. This guy's our top man.

You can learn a lot from him.

ALEX: Thank you Stan. BILKNER: Oh you're welcome, you're welcome.

By the way Miss DeSatto, um

your attire is totally inappropriate for our office.

**

DENTON (TV HOST): [Tarzan yell]

I'm Denton Dangerous, your rock 'n' roll fitness instructor,

I want you to beat your chest,

to be the best that you can possibly be.

How do you do this, you follow my instructions.

We use dynamic tension

like the lions and the tigers in the jungle,

because that's exactly what you are,

you've got to be the king of your jungle,

you have to practice everyday,

you have to train everyday.

Number two,

you have to find something that you like to do,

so that you will in fact, train everyday!

And number three,

if you have to train everyday,

these five things will make you all you want to be.

You have one life to live,

so live it to yourself, with yourself

at your maximum potential.

And remember, beat your chest

because you are the king of your jungle!

[Tarzan yell]

ALEX: Gretch, can I get a coffee?

GRETCHEN: Cream,

no sugar, right?

ALEX: Mm-hmm!

GRETCHEN: Sure.

**

GRETCHEN: Did you know that too much caffeine

can make a man impotent?

No?

GRETCHEN: Here you go.

ALEX: Thank you.

[exhales]

GRETCHEN: You're working late tonight again, aren't you?

ALEX: I guess.

GRETCHEN: Good.

My place... seven.

[exhales]

[phone rings]

SALLY: Hello...

ALEX: Hello - [mutters something in Russian]

Listen, uh I have bad news.

I have this important client coming in and...

and uh --

I'm sorry I know, but -- if --

you can cancel the reservation and then --

we'll go another time okay?

I'll make it up to you I promise you.

[hangs up]

[Sighs]

[Giggles]

ALEX: My wife doesn't let me do this to her.

GRETCHEN: Oh, she doesn't know what she's missing.

[moans softly]

GUEST: But my husband he doesn't seem...

I don't know if it's me or it's him.

But...he's not in the mood - ever.

And so I think...

HOST: Never in the mood in what way?

GUEST: In a sexual way and -- in an emotional way.

And the weirdest thing he'll always watch,

is like those Discovery Channel animal planet movies.

HOST: Mm-hmm! Oh yeah I love watching those too,

I'm sure everybody here does.

GUEST: Yeah - but I think he likes it a little too much.

HOST: In what way?

GUEST: I think he's turned on by animals.

[Door opens]

HOST: Turned on by animals?

Now is this something that is just new, this just...

[Television off]

**

[mumbling]

[moaning]

Oh Gretchen, Oh Gretchen, Oh Gretchen,

[moaning]

oh Gretchen, oh Gretchen baby,

that's it, whoa...

[moaning]

Gretchen...

[moaning]

SALLY: How did it go last night?

ALEX: Hmm?

I scored with a client.

SALLY: And you celebrated 'till midnight?

I'm talking to you!

ALEX: We went for a drink.

SALLY: And?

ALEX: And what?

SALLY: And what else?

ALEX: Dinner.

SALLY: Dinner, great! While I'm here eating cold cuts.

SALLY: Who's Gretchen?

ALEX: Um, she's that girl you met at the Christmas party.

SALLY: Oh, oh yeah, the tall dark haired girl

with the killer body.

The one you danced with half the night.

ALEX: What are you getting at?

SALLY: Your calling out her name last night...

in your sleep.

ALEX: Really?

SALLY: Mmm.

ALEX: It was one of those nightmares.

SALLY: I'm sure it was.

[loud barking]

ALEX: That freaking dog...

SALLY: Would you stop being paranoid.

I've made a very important decision in my life.

ALEX: That stupid dog is up to something! I can smell it!

SALLY: I'm talking to you, God damn it!

ALEX: All right, all right what is your problem?

SALLY: I wanna work.

I wanna do something with my life.

ALEX: (yelling at dog) Ah get lost!

You know what, why don't you go take a walk; join a gym,

I can't stand the dog, it's shitting all over the place!

SALLY: Oh no you just don't get it!

I want a life, I mean I want a real life!

ALEX: What is wrong with your life?

I don't want you out working!

I give you everything you want!

And those stupid shows you are watching

they're just putting those stupid ideas in your head!

SALLY: I don't want to sit around the house all day and do nothing!

ALEX: I don't get it, you got everything any woman would want.

SALLY: Do I really?

ALEX: Yes, you've just never complained before.

SALLY: Oh I have. You just never listen.

ALEX: You know what, I really don't have time for this...

[dog barking]

ALEX: [screaming in Russian]

SALLY: All you care about is making money.

Money, money, money, money, that's all you care about!

[screaming and cursing in Russian]

SALLY: How to make it! How to keep it! What to do with it!

ALEX: That's enough! SALLY: You don't care about anything else.

SALLY: You don't give a shit about anything except yourself!

[screaming and cursing in Russian]

[dog yelps]

*[dramatic, suspenseful music]

ALEX: Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey.

don't do anything rash please.

ALEX: Just remember -

you have a lifestyle a lot of women would kill for.

*[Happy intro music]

HOST: So, do all you ladies work at the same Club?

STRIPPER #1: [speaks in Spanish]

STRIPPER #2: Bitch sit down.

What she's trying to say is come see us sometime.

[audience cheers]

HOST: Does your family know what you do?

STRIPPER #3: Oh God no!

If they knew what I was doing, they'd disown me.

STRIPPER #2: It's just a job, who cares if they find out?

STRIPPER #4: I told all my friends,

the girls they thought I was a tramp,

but the guys...mmm, they were all over me! Hey!

[audience applause]

AUDIENCE: Take it off! Take it off! Take it off!

HOST: Ah Reverend? Ah Reverend, Reverend!

REVEREND: Ah yes.

HOST: What do you think of the choices

that these young ladies have made?

REVEREND: I think you've turned this place

into a den of inequity,

a palace of perversion...

[boos, hollering]

[laughing]

REVEREND: God made tools for Adam and Eve.

[boos, hollering]

[applause and cheering]

(dramatic music)

SABATINI (on phone): Yeah, yeah, alright.

I'll catch you next week, Okay?

Yes, yes, yeah, yeah!

Jesus, yes, yes I will!

Hey!

[fan blowing]

Okay, alright, alright, alright for Christ's sake,

I'll get you next week.

Yes I'll take care of it next week, okay?

Bye!

Bitch!

ALEX: So you are a private detective?

SABATINI: Yeah!

ALEX: Is this a front or something?

What are you doing in a dump like this?

SABATINI: I have two ex-wives to support, alright?

Any other questions?

ALEX: Yeah, why is this fucking fan on, it's freezing man.

SABATINI: Atmosphere! So, what's your problem?

ALEX: I'm having an affair.

SABATINI: You call that a problem?

ALEX: I think my wife knows about it!

SABATINI: Oh that is a problem!

Somebody rat on you?

ALEX: Not exactly, can you please turn this off!

SABATINI: All right - chill.

SABATINI: So what about her? Is she...

ALEX: Having an affair? SABATINI: Yeah.

ALEX: (laughs) I don't think so,

she's been acting really, really strange lately.

SABATINI: Well I wouldn't laugh if I were you.

You know when a woman's pattern changes,

it's good to be suspicious.

Trust me.

ALEX: Yeah I think you're right.

Why else would she be acting this way?

SABATINI: So any idea how she found out about your --

you know, fooling around?

ALEX: Apparently, I talk in my sleep.

You know I've been having this nightmare for the past month

where I'm making love to this most beautiful woman

which I think is my lover, and then,

she turns into my wife.

SABATINI: What?

ALEX: When my wife realizes that she's not the intended recipient

of my amorous advances,

she takes this meat cleaver and than hacks me to death,

my head and there's blood everywhere!

It's like terrible man!

SABATINI: Holy shit.

ALEX: But you know what,

I have a feeling that she's trying to kill me.

SABATINI: It's only a dream for Christ's sake.

I mean sometimes a guilty conscience can play tricks.

ALEX: You know that from experience do you?

SABATINI: All right, what do you want me to do?

ALEX: I want you to follow her everyday wherever she goes

and I want you to report to me on a daily basis.

SABATINI: Okay, You're looking for divorce ammo?

ALEX: No, no, no, no, I'm not looking for divorce ammo,

I don't want a divorce.

It's gonna look bad, especially at work.

Besides, you know she's a good cook and housekeeper,

so I don't mind keeping her at home.

SABATINI: But you don't love her.

ALEX: No I have a new lover who appreciates me for what I am.

SABATINI: Oh, so you've got two?

ALEX: Neighbour's wife.

I had an affair with her and then she had

enough of me and him both

and then she took off with that Denton,

that fitness freak that got the show on TV?

SABATINI: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah I've seen him.

ALEX: My neighbor, soon as he found out about it,

he went berserk,

and he's been out to get me ever since.

SABATINI: Okay, now does your wife know about all this?

ALEX: Uh, I don't think so.

But her look tells me, like, she knows more than she lets on.

And you know what, she accuses me of being into weird things.

SABATINI: Oh yeah? Like what kind of things?

ALEX: I don't know if I should tell you this.

Do you people take oath of secrecy or something?

SABATINI: I'm a professional.

What's the matter with you?

ALEX: I'm into feet.

You know she tells me that she hates that foot thing

and that I'm sick, that I need help,

I just can't get it up without foot play.

Just the thought of a beautiful woman's foot

getting squeezed into a tight,

high heeled stiletto just drives me fricking nuts!

SABATINI: I get the picture. No boner without the toe rub.

Listen, have you considered a marriage councillor?

ALEX: Do you want my money or not?

SABATINI: Of course I want your money,

but why don't you just divorce her and get it over with?

It's easier that way. ALEX: No!

I don't want to give her half of my money!

Hard earned money man! EMPLOYEE: Hey!

SABATINI: Take it. What?!

EMPLOYEE: Phone call from Wilma.

Tell her I'll call back.

ALEX: Who was that?

SABATINI: Ex-wife number two.

See what I mean, give her half, get on with your life!

ALEX: I didn't come here for a fucking lecture!

Listen I have best of all worlds and I want to keep it that way.

I want you to follow her and see what she's up to.

Because I'm afraid that she's going to poison me

or you know hack me to death or even worse.

SABATINI: All right.

I'll take it on, but this one sounds really, really messy.

So I think uh...five grand ought to clean it up?

ALEX: Five grand? SABATINI: Yeah.

ALEX: Really?

SABATINI: All right, all right, let's make it four.

Two now and two when we wrap, how's that sound?

SABATINI: That's Sabatini.

ALEX: Sabatini? Okay. SABATINI: Yeah.

ALEX: Okay, here you go.

Mr. Sabatini, there's my phone number there.

SABATINI: What the hell is this?

ALEX: Five hundred bucks deposit.

I'll give you the rest when I'm satisfied.

SABATINI: I got rent to pay!

ALEX: Oh tough.

SABATINI: All right, all right, all right,

we got a deal, what the hell.

ALEX: Make sure you call me. SABATINI: Yeah, yeah.

ALEX: Everyday.

SABATINI: Oh, just one other thing.

Let me see your wallet.

ALEX: What for?

SABATINI: I.D., let me see your wallet.

ALEX: Hey, wait, wait, wait, what are you doing man?

SABATINI: Gas money.

ALEX: Make sure you call.

SABATINI: Ciao, Ciao.

Have a nice day! Asshole.

WOMAN: Hey.

SALLY: Hi, can I see the manager?

WOMAN: Oh, Lulu's in the back but she's busy.

I'm Wanda, can I sell you something?

SALLY: Uh...

WOMAN: Shy are we?

You wanna surprise your hubby with something nice?

You wanna try something on?

SALLY: No, no not really...

WOMAN: Here, live a little! Check these out!

SALLY: No, no, no not really.

He's not into that.

WOMAN #2: No? What's he into?

SALLY: Feet?

WOMAN #2: Ah foot fetish.

No problem. Lots of guys are into that.

WOMAN: Here, check these out...get him HOT!

SALLY: My God, how do you walk in these?

WOMAN: With this.

SALLY: You know what, it's just um, this isn't going to work.

We're actually, we're not really getting along these days. So...

WOMAN #2: If your old man can't get it up for you...

you're going to have to take a look at yourself in the mirror.

Look how you're dressed.

SALLY: Ah...Well, it's not that simple. Um.

Actually I just came here to apply for the sales job.

WOMAN #2: Uh huh honey. I don't think so.

You have to dress up here all the time.

You have to be an exhibitionist, at least a little bit.

SALLY: You're right.

WOMAN: Sure you don't wanna buy these?

SALLY: No, no thanks again. Thank you.

[Camera clicking]

**

SALLY: Um, is there a manager here?

BOUNCER: See the bartender right over there.

SALLY: Yeah...Thank you.

BOUNCER: No problem.

BOUNCER #2: You wanna be a cute one.

SALLY: Thank you.

BARTENDER: Hi there, can I help you?

SALLY: Hi, I'm here for the job?

BARTENDER: Okay, well, you have to talk to Sisco.

Let me just get you a form so you can fill it out.

SALLY: Thank you.

BARTENDER: Here's the form.

SALLY: Thank you.

SALLY: Oh, short form, name and number.

BARTENDER: Easy. SALLY: Yeah, it's easy.

D.J.: Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen.

Welcome to Club Utopia,

where pleasure is our business!

For this afternoon's pleasure,

first lady is our vivacious, lovely Coreen!

COREEN: That's me.

[clapping]

*[GIRL ROCK MUSIC]

SALLY: (gasp) This is a strip club.

BARTENDER: Okay, I'll be right back.

BARTENDER: He'll be right out.

SISCO: You!

Take off that fucking hat!

Follow me.

BOUNCER: Hey. SABATINI: Hey.

BOUNCER #2: What's up dude? SABATINI: Yo man.

*[GIRL ROCK MUSIC]

SISCO: Turn around.

Well, you're not the usual type.

Take off those glasses.

Hmm, some men may like you.

SALLY: Thank you, uh Mister...

Sisco - just Sisco, sit down.

SALLY: That is the shortest application I've ever seen.

SISCO: Well you have a problem with that?

SALLY: Oh no, no, I just thought it was funny.

I've never seen it that small.

SISCO: Funny huh?

Well let me tell you the rules of my club.

Number one, you don't touch the customers, they don't touch you.

Number two, you don't touch yourself, not down there!

That is strictly forbidden.

Okay? SALLY: I would never...

SISCO: Number three...

DANCER: Sisco, I need next week off.

SISCO: Can't you see I'm busy? Wait your turn...

DANCER: Well fuck you! I need next week off or I quit!

SISCO: Fuck you, fuck me, wait...just wait your turn.

You're not here to pick up men, you are here to entertain.

DANCER: All right fine. I'll pack up all my g-strings

and I'll go home!

SALLY: Do you need to talk to her?

SISCO: You just shut up... SALLY: Sure.

SISCO: Oh, if you are late, I fine you.

Now I run a clean operation here.

No, no fooling around. Is okay, you understand that?

SALLY: Yeah...I think so...

SISCO: Okay good.

DANCER: Good! Are you finished now?

SISCO: Yes I'm finished, and so are you! You're fired!

Fuck off, get the hell out of here. DANCER: You prick! Fuck you!

SISCO: Fuck you! Get out!

SISCO: Now uh, you have experience, yes?

SALLY: Not really, no I don't. I didn't...nope.

SISCO: Uh, you'll learn quickly.

I'll start you on the day shift.

Twenty dollars a dance plus tips alright?

SALLY: Twenty a dance?

SISCO: Yeah and you have something to wear?

SALLY: No, you mean like a uniform?

SISCO: A uniform. (laughs)

SALLY: Well I thought that you guys provided them.

So I didn't, I didn't bring anything.

SISCO: Oh well...

[knock on door]

FELICIA: Hey...

SISCO: Oh, oh, oh, uh, uh, um...

FELICIA: Felicia?

SISCO: Yeah, uh Felicia, I want you to meet, uh,

SALLY: Sally...

SISCO: Sally, I'm sorry Sally,

I'm terrible with names... you know.

Here the girls come, girls go, they're coming and then they go.

Well um...show her around and good luck.

FELICIA: Okay.

SALLY: Okay thanks.

SISCO: Yeah, go, go, go, go.

SALLY: Okay thanks, bye bye.

SISCO: Yeah, yeah, send over another batch.

REBECCA: Hey how did it go with that guy last night?

TAMARA: Fuck you, none of your business.

Actually, if you must know, it was pretty good...

JEZEBELA: Same guy?

TAMARA: Yes it was the same guy. [making kissing noises]

FELICIA: Hey guys, Jezebela, Tamara, Rebecca, this is Sally.

TAMARA: Ah newbie! Sally? That name sucks.

We'll call you, yeah Selena!

That's a great name for you...Selena.

SALLY: What's, what's wrong with Sally?

JEZEBELA: Honey, you never use your real name

in a place like this.

SALLY: Oh you don't?

JEZEBELA: Nope.

TAMARA: So where's your gear?

SALLY: I don't have any.

TAMARA: You got nothing to wear?

SALLY: No.

TAMARA: Here.

Try this on, never been worn.

You can pay me later.

SALLY: Isn't this a little revealing?

(laughing)

SALLY: This is crazy.

I applied for the waitress position, not the stripper.

JEZEBELA: You're joking...right?

SALLY: No I'm not. I just want to get out of the house.

REBECCA: Easy misunderstanding.

Yeah.

FELICIA: Happens all the time.

TAMARA: Come ere you.

So uh, Sisco never asked you

what you were applying for right?

The waitress position was filled yesterday,

but if you want to make a lot of money,

you're in the right place.

SALLY: It's not money I'm after.

TAMARA: Does your husband know you're here?

You know what I find interesting about you Sally?

Knowing what you know now,

you haven't made any effort to leave.

You'd really like to try this.

That's what I think.

What would your husband do if you worked here as a dancer?

SALLY: He'd kill me.

TAMARA: They all say that.

My Ex started calling me a slut when I started dancing.

He was fucking my best friend at the time.

Anyways, whatever. Let's get you looking good.

[Loud club music]

CINDY: Yeah sure, I've seen her.

Got the same picture in a frame I bought last week.

SABATINI: She's gotta be here somewhere.

CINDY: Can I get you anything?

SABATINI: No thanks I'm fine.

[Loud club music]

SISCO: Excuse me sir.

That's the ladies dressing room. You can't go in there.

SABATINI: Oh sorry I was looking for this woman.

I saw her come in here.

SISCO: You saw her come in?

I'm seeing you go out.

Steve, show this gentleman the way out.

STEVE: And stay out man!

SABATINI: Assholes!

TAMARA: You look hot! SALLY: Whoo! Whoo!

SISCO: You! SALLY: Yeah, uh Sally.

SISCO: Yeah Sally, you forgot to show me your license.

SALLY: Oh I'm sorry, yeah sure.

SISCO: You can't dance with a driver's license!

You need a stripper's license!

TAMARA: Aww Sisco... she doesn't have one.

SISCO: Nobody dances without a stripper's license,

they'll fine me,

they'll take away my liquor license,

they'll take away my club! TAMARA: How was she supposed to know?

SISCO: Will you shut up!

Get a license or get lost!

TAMARA: Hey don't worry about him, he's a jerk.

He has rules to follow.

SALLY: Oh that's okay, I'm not cut out for this line of

work anyway.

Here's your panty set, and uh...

TAMARA: If you change your mind...

SALLY: You have a great day.

Bye.

TAMARA: Bye.

GRETCHEN: Where were you last night, I missed you.

ALEX: Home with my wife.

GRETCHEN: That's too bad.

ALEX: She's knows about the two of us.

GRETCHEN: So what's she going to do, divorce you?

Come on, loosen up a little bit. Been so tense lately.

[door bell rings]

[background music]

SALLY: Hi!

WOMAN: You again!

SALLY: Yeah I changed my mind. WOMAN: Great.

Let me see those shoes. WOMAN: Yeah!

SALLY: Oh great, what else do you have?

REPORTER: It is believed that most of the weapons

are being smuggled in from Pakistan.

Where there is continued support for the insurgency

against US lead forces.

In Iraq, a massive explosion in downtown Baghdad

killed 27 and injured dozens more.

This the third deadliest attack this week.

Bringing the death toll close to one hundred.

*[heavy bass music]

ALEX: What are you doing?

Go get me some hot chocolate!

SALLY: Hi honey... here's your hot chocolate.

[screams]

SALLY: Guess I'll be sleeping on the couch tonight, huh.

ALEX: Psycho!

[mumbling]

[Birds chirping, nature sounds]

[laughing]

[slurping]

[reading aloud]

SALLY: Oh my God, you gotta hear this,

the Chinese wang?

was 6.6388 Wednesday, but here's this,

Thursday it was 6.6472

and not much has changed in a year.

so that sucks... or maybe that's good...

SALLY: Oh here we go, the Israeli shekel,

did you know they have shekels in Israel?

Well let me tell you what the currency is,

cause I know you're interested.

Ah 3.36...Wednesday, and then...

[crackling heat]

...Wow. Can you believe that?

SALLY: Honey?

Would you like a sandwich before you go?

[cursing in Russian]

Oh honey! Oh my God,

you know that thousand shares you bought at ten cents each?

They're now fifty bucks a share!

We're rich! Oh my God!

It's fantastic, I can't believe it!

[laughing]

SALLY: Wait wait, you can't go yet,

I gotta to tell you more stocks. Wait!

[laughing]

ALEX: What the hell's so funny?

SALLY: Nothing. [laughs]

SALLY: Bye.

SABATINI: Hey good morning!

ALEX: You're freaking me out. What are you doing here?

SABATINI: Surveillance, that's what you're paying me for.

What's the matter with you?

What'd you do, pee your pants?

ALEX: Hey cut the crap! What do you want?

SABATINI: I don't know, give me some money.

I need money. ALEX: I already did.

Yeah, that cheque you gave me hardly even covered my rent

so give me some money.

ALEX: You know I have my own problems!

SABATINI: Like what?

ALEX: Yesterday, my wife was doing this crazy, ritualistic dance,

she freaked me out.

So later she poured a hot chocolate all over me,

so you'd better find out what's going on and fast, alright?

SABATINI: Yeah, got it, yeah. ALEX: Fast!

SABATINI: Yeah, Okay.

ALEX: Shit!

[laughing]

[cursing in Russian]

Hey, nice trip.

(laughing mockingly)

[cursing in Russian]

DENTON: I'm Denton Davis, be right back,

you keep on moving and so will I.

This is called the stabbing motion,

stabbing motion, stabbing motion.

[door bell rings] [screams]

COLOGNE: Hi there, how are you today? SALLY: Hi. Good how are you?

COLOGNE: Excellent, thanks for asking.

Do you have a few moments, I'm just doing a market survey.

SALLY: Um, you know, actually I'm sort of busy,

I have a, I'm exercising.

COLOGNE: How cool is that? Mr. Cologne.

SALLY: That's funny, that's cute.

COLOGNE: Thank you very much,

would you like to try a sample today?

My free gift to you.

SALLY: Um you know what I'm actually just about to exercise so I don't think...

COLOGNE: Well worth your while, I know you'll love it.

SALLY: La Petit Mort.

COLOGNE: I have to talk to marketing about that,

SALLY: Yeah, yeah. COLOGNE: It's a terrible name.

SALLY: Yeah, the little death.

COLOGNE: Death never smelt better, trust me.

SALLY: You're funny. Yeah it smells good actually. COLOGNE: You like that?

SALLY: Yeah it's actually nice. COLOGNE: Would you like to try another sample?

SALLY: Oh I don't know... COLOGNE: There actually yours to keep.

SALLY: Oh really? Thank you, that's really sweet. COLOGNE: Absolutely.

SALLY: Alright I'll give you a second. COLOGNE: Thank you very much.

COLOGNE: Wow, nice place you got here.

SALLY: Thank you, it's right back here.

[comedic musical beats]

EMPLOYEE: Hey,

smells like a sewer in here.

COLOGNE: Every woman's dream,

a box full of perfume and jewellery.

SALLY: Wow...

COLOGNE: All I ask - is that you just simply rate them

on a scale of one to ten on this chart.

SALLY: Okay... COLOGNE: Simple enough?

SALLY: I think so. COLOGNE: Great - let's check it out.

SALLY: Okay okay great!

SALLY: Pearls, pretty!

COLOGNE: You saw those didn't you?

I think they look great on you...Absolutely. SALLY: Yeah.

SALLY: Oh and there's another one, sorry about that.

Is this a flask? COLOGNE: Oh that's mine.

SALLY: Oh sorry.

[laughs]

SABATINI (RADIO): Right, now case the joint.

Check out the bathroom.

COLOGNE: You got a bathroom around here?

SALLY: Yes it's the second door on the right up stairs.

COLOGNE: Great I'll be back. SALLY: Okay - sorry.

SABATINI (RADIO): Check in the bathroom.

SABATINI: The medicine cabinet, check out the medicine cabinet.

SABATINI (RADIO): Aim your camera, idiot!

COLOGNE: I'm aimin', I'm aimin'.

SABATINI: What's in there?

COLOGNE: I don't know, toilet paper and stuff.

SALLY: Oh this is really nice, icy water?

SABATINI (RADIO): Open the drawer, open that drawer.

SABATINI: Yep, what's in there?

COLOGNE: Holy shit look at all the perfume here,

why is she buying perfume from me?

Nothing here man.

SABATINI (RADIO): What's that, what's that?

On the right, yes on the right, what is that?

COLOGNE: This thing?

[exhales]

SABATINI: Hold it up... Insulin.

SABATINI: We're wasting our time here.

She's clean. It's her husband who's nuts.

COLOGNE: This is nice.

SABATINI: Put that back,

what the hell's the matter with you.

Alright let's pack it in, I've seen enough.

COLOGNE: So how we making out?

SALLY: Good, I'm almost finished with the last one.

[bottles fall on table]

SALLY: That's okay.

COLOGNE: So you wanna buy anything?

SALLY: Yes!

COLOGNE: Great... So you married?

*[Comedic music]

[Door opens and slams shut]

COLOGNE: Okay let's go.

Gotta be at the pool hall in half an hour.

SABATINI: I gotta stick around in case her husband shows up.

COLOGNE: Fuck him! I gotta win me some money,

you never pay me.

SABATINI: You know what I don't get?

COLOGNE: What?

SABATINI: We didn't find anything.

She doesn't have a gun, she doesn't have any poison,

nobody calls her, she doesn't call anybody.

You know I kinda feel sorry for her,

I know it sounds weird but...

COLOGNE: Don't get suckered in man!

She could be like one of those Martian fly traps.

SABATINI: Venetian.

COLOGNE: What? SABATINI: Venetian fly trap.

COLOGNE: You into astrology all of a sudden?

*[Happy dance music]

TRUCKER: Hey! What're you here for?

SALLY: Hmm?

TRUCKER: Well I mean what licence are you getting?

Mine's truckin'.

OTHER TRUCKER: Hey me too.

SALLY: Hey me too! Hey, Hey!

Yeah...alright!

CLERK: Mrs. Enitlov! Your stripper's licence is ready!

(truckers laughing)

*[Dance music]

FELICIA: Oh hey!

What happened to you the other day?

SALLY: I didn't have a licence, but I got one now.

FELICIA: Cool!

SALLY: Is Tamara here?

DANCER: Uh, I'll get her for you. Its' Sally, right ?

SALLY: No. It's "Sellina".

DANCER: Okay, Sellina.

*[dance music]

FELICIA: Hey girl, you're up.

JEZEBELA: Yeah I know, thanks.

How do I look?

TAMARA: You sure you wanna do this?

It gets pretty crazy in here.

SALLY: Oh it can't be any crazier than it is at home.

I'm doing it!

D.J.: You know what they say, anytime you go Biblical

there's gonna be an atrocity! Here is Jezebella!

C'mon! Put your hands together fellas!

FELICIA: Hey Danny!

D.J.: Hey what's up?

FELICIA: This is the new girl Sellina.

D.J.: Hey Sellina, just call me D.J. Got your music?

FELICIA: She actually won't be dancing for a couple of days.

D.J.: Well...if you need a slammin' CD baby,

just let me know, alright, I'm your man. SALLY: Okay.

Alright. D.J.: I gotta go.

SALLY: Okay, He's a nice guy...

FELICIA: Married men are the worst. Oh, gotta go.

SALLY: Oh. FELICIA: Good luck.

SALLY: Okay.

*(slow music playing)

HAROLD: Hey!

HAROLD: You're new around here aren't you?

I'm Harold, how about a dance?

SALLY: No thanks, I'm not a very good dancer.

HAROLD: I'll be the judge of that.

SALLY: No really, I can't dance.

HAROLD: You're playing hard to get.

Okay, I'll make it thirty bucks a dance.

SALLY: Are you joking?

HAROLD: Okay forty, final offer...

*(slow music playing)

SALLY: Would you like another dance?

HAROLD: That was great.

But you didn't take your clothes off!

SISCO: Hey didn't I fire you?

DANCER: You fire me everyday.

SISCO: Come here.

You didn't take your clothes off.

I saw he liked you, but you kept your clothes on.

You know, you're here to take your clothes off.

You know, this is a strip club.

You strip, they pay you.

You don't strip, they don't pay you.

HAROLD: Give me some more.

*(hard rock music)

[cell phone rings]

ALEX: What?

SABATINI: I hope you're sitting down.

ALEX: Yes I'm sitting down, go ahead!

SABATINI: I followed her to this strip club in the east end...

ALEX: What the hell was she doing in a strip joint?

SABATINI: Ya beats me, but I go inside ask around

and can't see her I don't know where

I don't know where the hell she disappeared to.

ALEX: What am I paying you for?

Go ahead and find out.

SABATINI: This doesn't make any sense!

Do you think she's got this thing for naked women or something?

Maybe she's turned into a lesbo?

ALEX: Asshole.

CARLY: Well hi there can I help you?

SABATINI: I'm here to see Alex.

CARLY: Oh let me call him for you.

SABATINI: No, no, it's okay, its a surprise.

CARLY: Excuse me. SABATINI: Hey honey.

CARLY: Sir excuse me.

SABATINI: Hello there.

CARLY: Excuse me, excuse me, you can't just come in here.

ALEX: Oh, Carly okay, wow I can't believe it. Okay thanks.

Wow - what are you doing, look...

What the Fuck!

SABATINI: Hey you gotta learn to be nice to me, okay?

Alright? Yes, or else...

ALEX: Or else what?

ALEX: What's that?

SABATINI: Hmm... What do you think of this?

(laughing)

That's cute, that was a cute one.

ALEX: You know what? You're fired!

SABATINI: Oh really? You can't fire me,

no no, I got this. You can't fire me.

Give me the rest of my money, okay,

the rest of my deposit, I'm not going anywhere.

ALEX: With pleasure, I want nothing to do with you again.

SABATINI: Cash, no cheques, alright?

SABATINI: How much you got?

ALEX: Here, where's the film? Gimme the film.

SABATINI: Give me the money.

ALEX: Give me the film! SABATINI: Give me the money! Give me the money!

ALEX: Give, give me the film. SABATINI: Alright give him the film!

ALEX: Okay. [Sabatini laughs]

ALEX: Okay.

SABATINI: Alright Dude, I'm on my way,

I'm going to Club Utopia, have me a couple of drinks,

check out some Chickita's, look at titties...

ALEX: Go ahead, good luck thank you very much.

SABATINI: Thanks Dude. ALEX: Thank you.

[door slams]

*[Loud dance music]

D.J.: Everybody welcome to Club Utopia

where pleasure is our business.

*[Loud dance music]

SABATINI: Shot of whiskey please.

Thanks, run me a tab alright?

SALLY: Hey honey. You want a dance?

SABATINI: Hello... SALLY: Hello.

SABATINI: Ya sure... you're cute.

SALLY: Thanks. Are you on a Safari?

SABATINI: Ya. Good, you're hot babe. Salut!

SALLY: Salut!

SABATINI: You're a real pro you know that? You're good.

SALLY: Oh yeah? Thanks,

it's actually my second day on the job.

SABATINI: No kidding. Wow I'm very impressed.

*[Loud dance music]

D.J.: Comin' to the stage is a girl that can make you rock,

here is Cherry!

C'mon fellas.

[Audience cheers]

SALLY: Is that your wife?

SABATINI: You're kidding right? SALLY: No!

Would I marry that?

Ah, what a nerd.

You gotta see her husband, real asshole okay. SALLY: Oh really.

Yeah, those two belong together.

[gasp]

[coughs uncontrollably]

SABATINI: Gimme my picture back, c'mon, c'mon honey.

SALLY: I'm sorry, sorry.

SABATINI: I know it had that affect on me too.

Those two deserve each other. SALLY: Really?

SABATINI: I'll drink to that.

SALLY: Wish I had a drink right now.

SABATINI: Give me another one. SALLY: Yeah.

*(slow music)

SABATINI: You know what?

Feel like I've been here for hours, what do I owe you?

SALLY: Uh...Three fifty. It's cool.

SABATINI: Three fifty?

SALLY: Yeah, you know what, make it three hundred

if you tell me why you have the picture.

SABATINI: Why?

SALLY: Just curious.

SABATINI: Just curious? Nope, confidential.

I don't know how much money I got here,

I don't know, here you count it,

I don't give a shit,

just take the whole god damn thing. SALLY: That's cool.

Thanks. SABATINI: Yeah.

*(slow music)

SABATINI: Hey, get in.

SALLY: You're smarter than you look.

SABATINI: Get in.

SALLY: I don't go anywhere with strangers.

SABATINI: Honey, you danced naked for me for three hours...

I'm no stranger. Get in!

SALLY: My husband put you up to this?

SABATINI: Whatever, get in.

[car door shuts]

SABATINI: Come in.

So can I get you a drink?

SALLY: No thanks.

SABATINI: Don't worry, I'm harmless.

SALLY: So, what do you want from me?

SABATINI: Uh, I just want to talk that's all.

SALLY: You're working for my husband.

Why should I talk to you?

SABATINI: Well, because I know a lot more about him than you do, that's why.

SALLY: Like what?

SABATINI: He thinks you're out to kill him.

SALLY: What? We've had a couple of fights, but that's it.

SABATINI: Do you have any idea what he's worth?

Stocks, bonds, real estate, savings...

SALLY: I really don't care.

SABATINI: I wrote it down,

nine point seven two million dollars, how's that?

SALLY: What?!

SABATINI: You heard me.

SALLY: Why should I believe you?

SABATINI: Honey, believe whatever you want okay.

But your husband's crazy!

I've had to deal with control freaks like him before.

SALLY: Okay, so why do you want to help me?

What's in it for you?

SABATINI: I don't know... not much...I guess.

SALLY: This is a set up isn't it?

You got a hidden camera around here, is that the deal?

SABATINI: Nothing but T.V.'s, don't worry about it.

Alright, this is no setup.

You know what I can't figure out?

What are you doing with a jerk like him?

SALLY: Hey! Watch it!

He might be a jerk but he's still my husband.

SABATINI: Alright, just trying to help.

SALLY: So, um,

what are you going to tell him?

SABATINI: Oh don't you worry,

your secret's safe with me.

I'm just gonna, um,

get paid, get off the case fast.

Listen, here's my card.

SALLY: Thanks.

SABATINI: If you need any help, you call me, alright?

SALLY: Well, I guess I'd better get back to the club.

SABATINI: Yeah, wanna ride?

SALLY: Um, no thanks, I'll just take a cab.

Thanks.

*(dance music)

SALLY: Hi. COLOGNE: Hi.

COP #1: You sure that's him?

COP #2: Yeah that's him.

He's got a record longer than my dick.

COP #1: That short eh?

COP #2: Asshole.

No arrests. Just tail him for a few days.

COUNCILLOR #1: If the mayor could see us now!

COUNCILLOR #2: You know, councilmen we have to remember

that we're here to defend their moral...

COUNCILLOR #3: You know what councilman, just try

and keep your tongue in your mouth okay?

COLOGNE: Holy shit, look at you.

SALLY: Say, aren't you the um, perfume guy?

COLOGNE: Mr. Cologne, absolutely,

perfumes, watches, what's your pleasure?

Have a seat, have a drink with me.

SALLY: You don't remember me, do you?

COLOGNE: Uh, no, a body like that I wouldn't forget.

Absolutely, have a, have a seat.

SALLY: Sure, yeah.

COLOGNE: Got some world class goods here, you interested?

SALLY: Nah. I'm good. COLOGNE: You sure?

No, no? Let's see what you got, you gonna dance for me?

SALLY: Oh, uh, okay.

COLOGNE: Come on, quick one.

COLOGNE: Very nice.

(laughing)

HOST: I am worthy. I am a good person.

I have something to offer.

I have something to give to this world.

I am beautiful, I'm intelligent, I am educated.

And I'm going to go out there by God -

and I'm not going to let a man tell me what to do.

[audience cheers and applause] You need to take the reins in your own hands...

You need to take control...

SALLY: What are you doing?

ALEX: My friend saw you walking into a strip club.

SALLY: What are you, what are you talking about?

ALEX: Is that true?

SALLY: Yeah it's true, I got a job doing books for the owner.

ALEX: Why do you need a job for?

Haven't we been through this a million times?

SALLY: Because I want to work, is that okay?

Do you have a problem with that?

ALEX: Out of all the work you pick up a job in a strip joint!

SALLY: I don't have a problem with it.

ALEX: Oh I know you don't!

What about if people find out?

My reputation is on the line here.

SALLY: Of course, I'm so sorry, forgive me.

How irresponsible of me.

ALEX: It's these stupid talk shows you watch.

They're putting all that garbage into your head.

SALLY: Give me a break!

ALEX: You know what, we would never have any problems

if only you would try to please me once in a while!

SALLY: What did you just say?

I can't believe what I just heard...

You have been banging your office bimbo

for the last six months;

you haven't even looked at me and you talk about your needs?!

ALEX: Oh, I'm not banging anybody!

SALLY: Oh my God, you're making it worse by lying about it!

You know what? That's it, I want a divorce!

There's nothing left of our marriage anyway.

ALEX: I don't want to talk about it!

*[strange music playing]

[whipping noise]

GRETCHEN: You've been a bad boy.

Oh you sick thing.

You like that?

[choking sounds]

[screams]

[gunshots]

ALEX: You're fucking blind as a bat!

[loud screams]

[bazooka fires]

[massive explosion]

[laughing]

SALLY (VOICEMAIL): Hello, this is the Enitlov residence.

We're sorry there's no one in at the moment,

but if you leave your name and number...

[slams phone]

[dialing phone]

[phone ringing]

[phone ringing]

VOICE-MACHINE: Sabatini here, leave a message after the tone.

I swear I'll get back to you cause I need the money.

(voice machine beeping)

ALEX: Listen asshole! You were supposed to call me

an hour ago...

SABATINI: Oh shit,

I'm here, I'm here, I'm here, I'm here...

ALEX: My wife claims she's doing the books for this strip joint,

and then she wants a divorce? What the hell is going on here?

SABATINI: Strip club, books?

ALEX: How come you didn't tell me that?

SABATINI: Oh shit... I guess it slipped my mind.

ALEX: That makes me laugh!

She's doing books for a strip joint,

she can't even balance her own books, she's always in debt.

Something stinks here Sabatini, you know what?

We're going to pay her a surprise visit.

Meet me there in half and hour and make sure you're not late.

SABATINI: Oh shit!

[clock alarm]

SABATINI: Shut up!

Shut up you piece of shit!

BOUNCER: How's it going sir?

ALEX: Who's in charge here?

BARTENDER: Sisco. Why?

ALEX: Just get him out here.

BARTENDER: Boss, you better get out here.

SISCO: What's the problem?

ALEX: Who the hell are you?

SISCO: I own this place.

ALEX: I don't give a shit!

SISCO: I don't like your attitude!

ALEX: I'm here looking for my wife.

SISCO: You're looking for your wife here?

ALEX: Yes, Sally your book-keeper, is that true?

SISCO: Why don't you go fuck yourself.

D.J.: Let's have a big hand for Ramona, c'mon!

(applause)

*[Dance music]

TAMARA: Hi.

ALEX: Hi.

Tamara.

Alex.

TAMARA: Would you like some company?

ALEX: Sure.

TAMARA: Do you like my shoes?

ALEX: Mm-hmm!

TAMARA: I see that you're married.

ALEX: Separated, sort of.

TAMARA: She couldn't satisfy you?

ALEX: She doesn't like what I like.

TAMARA: Oh, and tell me, what do you like?

D.J.: C'mon fellas, put your hands together.

Let's have a big hand for the lady that's up her. TAMARA: I see we have something in common.

D.J.: C'mon! Give it up!

Tamara, you're up next baby.

TAMARA: Uh, um, I have to go, uh I'm on next,

I have to get ready.

Can I give you my number?

ALEX: Sure.

TAMARA: Call me.

ALEX: I will.

ALEX: Cognac please.

ALEX: Thank you.

D.J.: Hey, Sellina, what's up?

SALLY: There's a guy out there and I don't want him to see me here.

D.J.: Do you want me to get the two Steve's to take care of that?

SALLY: No, no, it's okay, I just,

I'll just stay here for a while.

SABATINI: Alex is out there, did he see you?

SALLY: Not my face.

SABATINI: He came here to check out your story.

SALLY: I know, listen I'm going to go get dressed

and go to Sisco's office, let him see me in there,

and then get rid of him because I have to be on stage soon.

SABATINI: Right!

*[Dance music]

SABATINI: Hey!

ALEX: Oh there you are.

COLOGNE: Yo! Hey Cuz!

SABATINI: Ah Shit!

ALEX: Who's that?

SABATINI: My cousin Eddie, he's a pain in the ass.

ALEX: Your cousin?

COLOGNE: Where's my money?

SABATINI: See that guy over there?

He owes me money, alright, when he pays me,

I'm gonna pay you, now bugger off, take a hike.

SALLY: So, do you have any family?

SISCO: No...I'm here to escape my family.

My wife is crazy, all she wants to do is make babies.

I'm too old to make babies.

SALLY: Oh you're not too old.

No you're young, unless you want that,

if that's something that you want, that's totally,

you know, it's up to you.

SISCO: It's money I want to make, money, not babies.

SALLY: Speaking of money,

what do you think of the Securities commission

tightening regulations.

SISCO: What are you doing here, why aren't you working?

SABATINI: Alex, we gotta get out of here, okay?

Alex! If Sally comes in and sees you with this dancer

she's going to freak out.

ALEX: She's not here. Nobody's even heard of her.

SABATINI: Who were you talking to?

ALEX: The freak - Sisco.

SABATINI: Oh Sisco, well he happens to be the owner, idiot,

okay, he's not going to give out any personal information.

Okay, let's get out of here.

ALEX: Sabatini, as a private dick, you suck.

She's not here, so relax.

SABATINI: That's enough, c'mon honey you're finished.

C'mon pay the lady.

ALEX: I'm busy. Can't you see! Get lost!

SABATINI: Pay the lady!

[angrily exhales]

SABATINI: Here honey, keep the change! Sorry! Love you!

SABATINI: Listen I want out. I'll make you a deal alright?

If I can prove to you that Sally is actually working here,

Give me two grand and I'm finished.

We're even. Fair enough?

ALEX: All right you prove it!

SABATINI: All right, let's do it.

ALEX: But this better not be some kind of trick.

SABATINI: No tricks, let's go.

SISCO: Two days you've been sick?

Well, how come when I called yesterday you weren't home?

Oh, oh, you were out?

Oh, well how can you be sick and go out?

SISCO: It sounds like you're over regulated sweetie.

YOU'RE FIRED!

SABATINI: What do you think now?

ALEX: I still can't believe it!

SABATINI: Ha! Well pay up, let's go!

ALEX: Pay for what? I could have found it out myself anyways!

SABATINI: You know, there's two things,

one you're a paranoid whack job and two, I don't like you.

So just pay me and I'll get out of your hair.

ALEX: Well you leave now, you'll get nothing from me.

SABATINI: Oh you think so? ALEX: Yes!

SABATINI: Well let me show you something.

Look what I got! Ah I got more, aha!

STEVE: Okay guys, break it up, break it up.

SABATINI: Oh look at this, dude look at this.

Woo hot, hee hee!

SABATINI: You got good taste Alex. Nice ass, nice ass.

Oh good, I wanna show you some, he's doing the nasty,

Alex is doing the nasty.

STEVE: Okay, move along. SABATINI: You're such a bad boy.

STEVE: Move along, move it along.

SABATINI: Yeah baby!

*[Dance music]

SABATINI: Just pay up and I'll get out of your hair.

Let's go.

C'mon, c'mon, c'mon.

COP #1: What's going on over there?

D.J.: Up next is uh, Sellina.

SABATINI: Now we're talking buddy.

D.J.: Sellina baby, we're waiting for you.

SALLY: Okay I'm here, I'm here, I'm ready.

D.J.: You're cuttin' it kinda close aren't you?

Where the hell were you?

SALLY: Just go, go, go, go, go...

*[Dance music]

COP #2: Hey, hey, hey, don't jump the gun!

Relax, relax, watch the stripper.

*[Dance music]

SABATINI: Beat it.

Get outta here!

*[Dance music]

SABATINI: Shit!

ALEX: Do you see what I see?

You knew it all along didn't you?

COLOGNE: Hey!

[screaming]

[yelling and chaos]

ALEX: That's my wife! That's my wife!

SALLY: Stop it!

COP #2: I said get back!

[yelling in Russian]

SALLY: Stop it! Stop it!

D.J.: Oh...

D.J.: (laughing) Oh shit.

D.J.: Oh that's gotta hurt. (laughing)

[noise and chaos]

COLOGNE: Crazy up in here!

SALLY: Alex is out for blood. He says his career is ruined.

He's suing the cops. Look at this!

SABATINI: Holy shit!

My very own fifteen minutes of fame.

SALLY: He was suicidal last night.

After Bilkner bailed him out,

he said he was going to kill me, strangle you, then hang himself.

SABATINI: He should reverse the order and do the world a favour.

SALLY: How are yo, are you all right?

SABATINI: Your husband won't pay me,

my car got towed away last night while I was in jail,

and I got an eviction notice this morning.

How's that for starters?

SALLY: Well here, take some money, to help you through.

SABATINI: No, no, no, I already owe you for bailing me out, no.

SALLY: No please take it!

SALLY: How much do you hate my husband?

SABATINI: I don't know...how do you measure that sort of thing?

SALLY: No this is serious.

How badly do you want to hurt him?

SABATINI: Well, if I could get away with it?

I'd cut off his balls with a dull bread knife!

Why do you ask?

SALLY: He threw me out of the house this morning! SABATINI: What?

SALLY: Yeah, kicked me out,

threw all my clothes in a bag, keys, told me to get out!

SABATINI: What did you do?

SALLY: I went berserk!

Picked up this butcher knife, right,

and I had it at his throat

and I had him cornered right over the kitchen sink,

oh it was so tempting...

And then I let him go.

SABATINI: Why?

SALLY: Cause he wet his pants. SABATINI: Eww...

SALLY: You know fantasizing about something like that

is one thing,

but when you're actually doing it, especially on your own.

SABATINI: Not so easy is it?

SALLY: I've been dreaming about killing him for so long,

but I need you to help me!

SABATINI: Shhh! What's the matter with you?

SALLY: Well, you hate him as much as I do, don't you?

SABATINI: I guess.

SALLY: Do you love me?

SABATINI: What?

SALLY: Do you love me!

I need to hear that from someone.

SABATINI: Alright...I love you.

SALLY: Good! Then let's do this! Let's do it!

Do you have any idea what it's like to live with that man?

SABATINI: I could only guess...

SALLY: Day after day...month after month...year after year-

I just want to be a normal woman again.

SABATINI: From what I've seen so far...

that is not in the cards for you, alright?

SALLY: You know, chasing him with that knife

was the most excitement I've had with him in years!

SABATINI: Okay listen, we don't have to kill him.

There are other ways.

SALLY: No!

This is the way!

This is the only way. It's so final! So complete!

SABATINI: Listen! I may be a lot of things,

but "killer" is not one of them, alright?

SALLY: Count it!

SABATINI: What's this?

SABATINI: Holy shit!

There's gotta be about twenty grand in here!

SALLY: Twenty-five!

SABATINI: Where did you get it?

SALLY: My private stash.

SABATINI: Can you throw in an extra five?

SALLY: Whatever.

SABATINI: And uh, fifty percent of the insurance policy.

SALLY: Twenty percent. Take it or leave it.

SABATINI: Okay, deal.

Let's kill the son-of-a-bitch.

Poof! Kaputsky!

NEWSCASTER: Alexi Enitlov,

considered one of the top players at Bayfield Securities,

has been arraigned on numerous charges, including: assault,

assault causing bodily harm, and assault on a police officer.

A charge of spousal assault was also laid

when it was discovered that the stripper he attacked

was actually his wife.

He's been released on fifty thousand dollars bail

and is due to appear in court next week.

In the same incidents,

a little known private investigator was charged

with assaulting a police officer, Richard M. Sabatini...

BILKNER: So you had no idea what she was doing?

ALEX: I had no clue.

BILKNER: You know of course,

the securities people are going to revoke your licence.

I'm going to have Miss Desatto here take care of your accounts

until this is cleared in the courts.

[Tarzan yell on T.V.]

DENTON: This is Dennison Denton Dangerous,

your rock 'n' roll fitness coach telling you

to be the king of your own to be jungle.

They say in this life that ignorance is bliss,

I don't know what that means.

[Phone rings] DENTON: How your body works,

if you put too many carbs in your body, you will blow up!

ALEX: Where the hell are you?

GRETCHEN: Hi, listen I'm just having dinner

with a new client...

ALEX: Well I've been waiting here for two hours-

I had a chicken dinner ready.

GRETCHEN: Sorry, you know how it goes, business first.

Okay I gotta go. Call me sometime.

GENTLEMAN: Che bella...

ALEX: [curses in Russian]

SABATINI: Chicken dinner? What an asshole.

SABATINI: Oh God...

COLOGNE: So what's next Dicky?

SABATINI: Don't ever call me that!

COLOGNE: Sorry...Dick.

DENTON: Your shadow will kill flowers...

[cursing in Russian]

ALEX: Not a single fucking piece of chicken breast in this box.

SABATINI: This is the night, let's, let's do it.

COLOGNE: So how you gonna "off" him?

SABATINI: Kill him?

You wanna rot in jail the rest of your life?

We're gonna sprinkle a little bit of this rat poison

in his favourite cereal.

Not enough to kill him, but just enough to fry his brain.

COLOGNE: Sally wants him dead!

SABATINI: She'll get over it.

Then he winds up in the loony bin

and Sally gets his money...BINGO!

COLOGNE: Yeah, so do you.

SABATINI: Nah, I'm doing this for Sally, you know that.

COLOGNE: Yeah, yeah, bullshit.

SABATINI: Don't worry I'll share with you.

Ah you know I always do.

Sex Therapist: And I need you to be open, to be honest,

you know it's your life, it's your sex life,

if you want it to be the best you can be then give us a call.

Now we have a caller from Mississippi, go ahead caller.

Male voice on phone: Dr. Winston? Dr. Winston: Yes?

Male voice on phone: My girlfriend says she won't have sex with me

unless I use condoms.

Dr. Winston: Well, you have a very, very smart girlfriend there.

Male voice on phone: Yeah! but I'm allergic to latex see,

and I get hives on my cock.

ALEX: Hello? Tamara?

How are you sexy? Do you remember me?

The foot guy.

Ha ha, yes! Mhm...

SABATINI: Hey, I need a beer.

Shit...

Holy shit, did you drink all this?

SALLY: Close your eyes. I have a surprise.

SABATINI: Yeah, well I don't have time to play games, okay?

What the... holy shit!

Where did you get that?

SALLY: I got it on sale.

SABATINI: Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you going to do with it?

SALLY: I'm gonna slice Alex up

and make it look like the neighbour did it.

SABATINI: Uh, I think you're over-reacting just a little, okay.

SALLY: This is payback time!

For everything he did to me, for his condescending bullshit!

And you know what I realize?

Is that I'll never be a whole woman while he's alive.

SABATINI: You've been watching too many talk shows, okay?

I think you'd better let Cologne and I look after this,

we'll take care of it, alright?

SALLY: Maybe you're right.

Maybe it might be too messy anyway.

SABATINI: Look what I got. Rat poison.

We're gonna make it look like he committed suicide,

and with any luck, tomorrow morning

we'll be reading his obituary in the newspaper. Huh?

SALLY: Rat poison? It's not too original is it?

SABATINI: It works.

[Door opens]

COLOGNE: Hello? Dick-face, let's go!

Not gonna stay here all night.

SABATINI: Hey, Whoa, whoa, whoa, can't you see that, uh,

Sally's a little tense?

SALLY: You two are basic fuck-ups okay?

If you're going to poison someone, you do it right.

SALLY: My mother's a diabetic.

And I've kept insulin in our house, in case she visits.

COLOGNE: What the fuck is she talking about?

SALLY: I read somewhere that forty cc's of insulin

can kill someone

...without a trace.

COLOGNE: What? SABATINI: Yeah it's true.

I mean, insulin is a natural substance in the body,

it can't be detected.

COLOGNE: What the fuck is this...Medical School?

I'm outta here!

SABATINI: Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute, hang on a second,

I think we're on to something here, alright.

Honey, give me that.

Give it to me. Thank you.

Listen, I got a plan... listen carefully

COLOGNE: Okay, why do I have to do this?

SALLY: Because nobody will ever suspect you.

Here's cab fare, meet us at the club as soon as you finish.

COLOGNE: No way! No way, we do this fair and square!

Let's pick numbers.

SABATINI: All right, I'll choose a number from one to ten.

Whoever's the closest gets to do it, alright...

SALLY: Seven.

COLOGNE: Three. SABATINI: You win.

COLOGNE: You didn't even pick!

SABATINI: I chose the number. It wouldn't be fair would it?

All right, so you know the plan.

Let's do it.

COLOGNE: Okay, hold on,

this calls for bonus cash or I'm, or I'm out of here.

SALLY: Okay, what do you want?

COLOGNE: Two grand.

SALLY: All right.

SABATINI: You're such an asshole.

COLOGNE: Make it four grand. SABATINI: Aw Jesus!

SALLY: Here, here's six. Just do it!

COLOGNE: Uh, and a trip to Jamaica.

SABATINI: Okay that's it, c'mon, that's it!

Fuck it, I'II do it myself.

COLOGNE: Fuck you! It's my gig.

SALLY: Okay, alright, alright, alright, you got your trip.

COLOGNE: Uh and one more thing.

SABATINI/SALLY: What!?

COLOGNE: New pair of shades. Mine got ripped off.

SABATINI: Jesus! Just do the fucking thing, alright?

C'mon, let's get outta here.

*[Dramatic music]

[loud snoring]

[loud snoring]

[toilet flushing]

[singing]

TAMARA: C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, wake up.

C'mon, give it to me!

[screams and moans]

TAMARA: More! More!

[slap]

ALEX: [yelling in Russian]

COLOGNE: Shit, no fucking breasts.

TAMARA: More, more, more!

ALEX: [yelling in Russian]

*[loud rock music]

SALLY: Hey... SABATINI: Oh hey, there you are.

Listen, you have to wave to as many people as possible,

alright, so they'll remember we were here tonight.

We need a good alibi.

SALLY: Well I'm gonna do a show that no one's ever gonna forget.

SABATINI: Do it! Do it! C'mon!

[screaming]

[yelling]

ALEX: Dirty girl!

ALEX: [Singing in Russian]

[more yelling and screaming]

[painful scream]

TAMARA: Oh my God!

Alex! Alex! Oh my God! Alex!

ALEX: I am feeling bad. I'm sick!

TAMARA: Oh my God!

I need an ambulance!

[hooting and hollering]

*[Loud dance music]

[hooting and hollering]

SABATINI: Where the hell is he?

STEVE: Dude, closing time, you gotta go.

SABATINI: Here, I need five more minutes,

get outta here... beat it.

Jesus! Where the hell were you?

COLOGNE: Wouldn't believe it if I told you.

God, I need a drink.

SALLY: Is he dead?

Cologne, did you kill him or not?

COLOGNE: I don't know!

ALEX: [screaming]

COLOGNE: I stuck him in the ass,

I stuck him in the ass real good.

He was screaming, crawling outta there,

I don't know, who knows for sure.

SALLY: My God, what have you done?

As much as I despised him, I really didn't want him dead!

What have I done?

Oh God, we could all go to jail for this.

This is terrible!

COLOGNE: Ricardo,

you gotta tell her the truth man.

SABATINI: Alright, listen,

we injected him with insulin right,

not, not enough to kill him,

but just enough to put his body into shock.

SALLY: What!? SABATINI: Yeah!

So once his brain is fried, okay then you know,

you wind up with his estate

and uh you and me... we're set for life...

SALLY: But you said you were going to kill him!

COLOGNE: So he lied, big deal.

SALLY: Brilliant! Yes! Sabatini you're a genius!

COLOGNE: Hey... What about me?

I'm the one that did all the dirty work here!

Shit! Shit! Shit! Fuck!

Gotta get rid of the evidence.

SABATINI: What the hell's this?

What the hell's this?

I hope I'm dyslexic,

but what I'm seeing here is a full bottle of insulin.

COLOGNE: What! SABATINI: Yeah!

You idiot! You idiot! You moronic idiot!

What the hell's the matter with you?

Oh shit!

You!

Fabio Fragrance, are you out of your fucking mind?

I'm gonna kill you, I'm gonna kill you!

SALLY: Stop it! Stop it! Both of you, stop it!

COLOGNE: Fuck you, calm down.

Okay, look, can this kill him?

SALLY: Probably.

COLOGNE: Still going to Jamaica right?

[cell phone rings]

GRETCHEN: Hello? I can't talk right now,

Yeah, sorry I'll call you later. Bye.

GRETCHEN: I will see you back at the office?

SABATINI: Oh hey Gretchen, so good to see you.

I've got something I want to show you.

Check this out.

They're cute eh?

Oh, oh look at this one, this one is particularly delicious!

[laughter]

GRETCHEN: You're disgusting!

SABATINI: Of course I am! Oh I like the tattoo on your a--

FEMALE EMPLOYEE: You're a good...

good man.

BILKNER: We're gonna miss you.

(Sally crying)

MALE EMPLOYEE: So long mate.

SALLY: I didn't mean to do it. Oh my God!

I didn't mean to.

SABATINI: This is good.

You know, this worked even better than insulin.

I'm a friggin' genius.

COLOGNE: His brain's like scrambled eggs.

DOCTOR: Are you two gentlemen relatives?

SABATINI: Yeah, we're cousins.

DOCTOR: No, are you related to the patient?

I need to talk to a relative. I have a few questions.

COLOGNE: You think we're related to that moron in there?

SABATINI: Listen, he had a rough night, just ignore him, okay,

no you want to talk Mrs. There.

DOCTOR: Ma'am? I'm Dr. Wayne, this is your husband? SALLY: Yes.

DOCTOR: Has your husband taken any medication

in the last week or so?

SALLY: Um...

Yes!

DOCTOR: Okay, cause according to the lab reports,

he's had strange odour in his blood and urine?

SALLY: An odour?

DOCTOR: Very strange. It smelled like,

I don't want to embarrass you,

but does your husband have a drinking problem?

SALLY: No.

DOCTOR: Because

he ingested what would amount to an entire bottle of perfume.

SALLY: Wouldn't that kill a person?

DOCTOR: Well came close to killing him,

but somehow he survived.

[moaning]

SALLY: Oh my God!

ALEX: Sally? Sally? Sally, is that you?

ALEX: Oh my God! Oh!

I saw the light, I saw the truth!

You want to know what the truth is?

You wanna know?

Work doesn't matter, money doesn't matter,

the only thing that matters is LOVE!

HALLELUJAH!

[preaching in Russian]

ALEX: Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

TAMARA: Sally? I'm so sorry. SALLY: It's okay.

TAMARA: Sally, I'm so sorry.

I didn't know he was your husband

until he was admitted last night.

SALLY: No, it's okay. How would you know?

TAMARA: Sally, I'm so sorry.

SALLY: It's okay.

ALEX: Tamara, honey! Come here baby!

TAMARA: Alex...Sally...

ALEX: Honey, come here.

SALLY: Tamara...honey!?

You're a scumbag!

TAMARA: Oh my God! Sally...

ALEX: You know what? That felt good! Hit me again.

SALLY: Yeah! With pleasure!

TAMARA: Oh my God!

ALEX: Oh! I want a divorce.

Let me sign that frickin' divorce right now!

[screams in Russian]

Hallelujah! I am free!

*[church organ]

SALLY (NARRATOR): Club Utopia. What a wonderful name.

We all somehow got what we wanted...

Now that I'm rich, I bought the club,

and added a fancy restaurant.

I also became a celebrity,

appearing on late night talk shows,

and on the covers of famous magazines.

SALLY: And Alex -

he bought a shoe store to satisfy his foot fetish.

And Sabatini moved into a new office,

...with extra help.

And then he got a surprise visit from a close family member.

YOUNG BOY: Hi Dad!

SISCO: What?

SALLY: Sisco got even bigger surprise.

SISCO: You're pregnant huh? Who's the father?

*[reggae music]