Original subtitles

...72, 72, $72!

$72, 72 bid, 72 bid,

- 75, 75, 75! - Oh, boy.

Is it already the first day of livestock auction season again?

It's the same day every year, Mitchell...

a fortnight after the first ripe tomato comes in.

And seriously? This is what passes for auction-calling these days?

Is it possible you're being a tad harsh?

You know, when you've been at the top of your field...

Greater Bug County Auction-Calling Champ

three years running...

it's hard to see anything but the inadequacies.

It's why Baryshnikov couldn't watch others dance.

What? He was the Artistic Director of...

How long have you lived in this house?!

It's gonna wind up being some pig named Baryshnikov

or some damn thing.

So, how was your trumpet lesson?

It was amazing. Yeah.

Oh, these sessions just have really changed my life.

Technically, uh, not a lie.

Uh, I started taking trumpet lessons two years ago.

But then I noticed the place next door

was offering massages for the same price, so...

you know.

And I felt bad relaxing while Cam was...

solo-parenting Lily.

But... But we were both spending time

with an Asian woman who walked all over us.

You always smell like lavender

when you come back from that place.

Uh, yeah, it's the... it's the valve oil

for the, um... you know,

- the t... the tooting buttons. - Oh.

We should probably, uh, hit the road soon.

High school graduation's in an hour.

It's so humiliating

being the Vice Principal at these things.

It's just a ceremonial position

where you have to sit behind Principal Brown,

politely clapping

while he gets to set the course of history.

Well, it could be fun with my dad giving

the commencement address, though.

I got a peek at his note cards,

and I don't want to give anything away,

but the young kid who boarded the bus

with the hair full of Brylcreem

and a cardboard suitcase full of dreams...

it was him.

Oh, I have to take this. It's Superintendent Pierce.

Hello, good sir. To what do I owe this honor?

Oh, no.

That's horrible.

Principal Brown got into a car accident!

W-Which means, as next in the line of succession,

I get to preside over today's graduation.

You know, this is why senior administration officials

never travel together.

Your glee at another man's misfortune should trouble me,

but there's also something sort of sexy about it.

- Well, power is an aphrodisiac. - Oh.

Maybe later you could be the principal

and I could be the student who's a few credits short.

- Hmm. - A bad, bad boy

who needs to be taught right from wrong.

'Cause I grew up in a broken home,

where social workers and constant fights about money

were just...

Okay, well, now I'm just sad.

Yah! Yah!

Can we switch seats?

I'm right under a vent.

This is not good for my instrument.

Oh, so nice that you're taking this speech so seriously.

When you did Mitch and Cam's wedding toast,

you had your mouth full of cashews.

Yah! Yah! Yah!

Hey, pay attention to your brother.

You got him into karate.

Not on purpose.

I just showed him a few "Pink Panther" movies.

Joe?

Joe?

I-I-I don't want to play

this Inspector Clouseau and Cato game anymore.

It's not that I'm scared.

It's just, I-I'm a little busy...

- Aah! - Aah!

He's a little psycho.

Which we must never show him, by the way.

And sorry if I'm distracted.

It's cut day at CalArts.

Half of the class isn't being asked back.

Manny, my mother's intuition

tells me that you have nothing to worry about.

It's just so cruel.

I'm halfway to a playwriting degree

and a minor in mask-making

and they're just gonna throw me out on the street

with no way to support myself?

As a wise man will say in about two hours...

"Be grateful for the rocks life rolls in your path,

for one day, you'll see them as stepping stones."

I had that in my "maybe" pile.

Trust yourself, Jay.

Oh, God. It's an e-mail from school.

I don't think I can read this in front of people.

Yah!

Let's go, Joe!

Ay!

Ay!

I did it!

I did it! Yes!

Did my mom bribe Sensei Ron?

I knew you could do it, Joe!

My mother's intuition told me

that you had nothing to worry about.

And if she bribed Sensei Ron, who else did she bribe?

Did I even deserve this?

Do you remember when grocery shopping was boring?

I really don't.

As a parent, you don't get

a lot of good, clean, guilt-free victories.

That's why it's hard not to feel

pretty damn good about ourselves today.

Because this afternoon,

we are going to watch our daughter Alex graduate...

With honors!

...from the world-renowned Caltech.

♪ When the Caltech Beavers face you at sports ♪

♪ Prepare to relinquish the ba-a-all ♪

Their best minds weren't focused on the fight song.

Yeah.

I just can't stop smiling

at this picture of Alex in her cap and gown.

It's so surreal that one of our kids

could do something so amazing.

I love you both.

So, you two, grab champagne and flowers for Alex.

We'll, uh... We'll get some cigars to give to Jay.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

It's Skip Woosnam. Have you seen him since he fired you?

Once, at a listing.

I tried to pretend I was a 3D cutout of myself

to avoid talking to him.

But you know what? Today I want to talk to him.

I think I'll let ol' Skip know

I have a daughter graduating from Caltech.

No, honey, we are not the kind of parents

who make ourselves look good by bragging about our kids.

Then why did we even have them, Claire?

Are we really not gonna crow about it

when one of our kids finally does something we can be proud of?

I love you both very much.

I'm comfortable being the hot one.

Another record month?

Well, thank you!

You're the greatest butler on Earth.

Ohp! I gotta run.

- Phil? - Skip!

You son of a gun. How the hell are you?

Great, great. Business is better than ever.

How about you?

Did you, uh, finally get real cutouts?

I don't know what you're talking about. Mine are so realistic and 3D,

you must have been laughing at one of them like an idiot.

How crazy is it we ran into each other shopping, huh?

Say, how are your kids?

Terrific. Yeah.

June just, uh, took a job at the Container Store.

Impressive. I have a kid that's interested in space, as well.

- Considering a job at, uh... at NASA, actually. - Oh.

Yeah, he, uh, looks like he's got the right stuff.

No, I... it's... I was talking about my daughter.

- Oh. - Hey, Dad. Dad, guess what.

The twins started kicking the second I picked up booze.

They're my kids, right?

My other daughter.

Okay, I'm doing a little thing about

following your dreams in mine.

Do you have anything like that in yours?

I say "follow your passions."

Okay, yeah. That's different enough.

Okay. Something fishy's going on over here.

I'm gonna go shake some trees, see what falls.

Looking lovely today, Vice Principal Tucker.

Cut the choirboy act, Pitkowski.

Oh, you don't like the way I'm talking to you?

Well, who are you gonna complain to?

No one!

Because I'm the acting principal,

clothed in immense power!

Wait, what is... Nope!

I bend faster.

"Jay Pritchett, Owl Killer"?!

What the hell is this?

The year was 1972.

I landed a whale...

every closet on a Carnival Cruise ship.

To make the numbers work,

I needed a lot of cedar fast and cheap.

I ended up cutting down a forest that happened to be

the last habitat of the Golden Speckled Owl.

You know, nobody talks about all the mice I saved.

Nope!

Just the owls.

Are you all planning some sort of protest?

Well, that ain't happening on my watch.

Now go take your seats!

"Owl Hitler"?!

What the hell is this picture? I never strangled an owl!

Is it too much for Dylan to let me know where he is?

My water could literally break any minute.

Am I okay sitting here,

or am I in a SeaWorld splash zone situation?

Claire, your old high school nemesis Ashley Walls,

did she have a daughter?

Uh, I don't think so. Why?

Well, that woman over there looks just like Ashley, but it can't be.

She looks half your... beauty.

Ashley Walls.

She outdid me at everything.

Homecoming Queen, Field Hockey Captain,

and the summer before we went away to college,

she beat me out for an internship

at Pritchett's closets.

Claire?

- Hi. - I... want to say...

- Ashley? - Yes!

- How are you? - Good.

Hi. Ashley Walls-Carnegie.

Phillip Humphrey Dunphy.

So, what have you been up to, Ashley?

Uh, well, I'm a personal injury lawyer.

- Mm. - I have a buddy that makes bank from that.

- Oh? - He's not a lawyer.

He just tries to get nice cars to hit him.

Yeah, he's just kidding.

No, I'm not, Mom.

- In fact, I've ac... - Here, have a candy. Hmm?

That was rude. I just ran into my old health teacher,

and she said she always expected

to see me pregnant at graduation.

- Congratulations. - Oh, thanks. Twins.

Sorry, I'd be a lot happier about it

if I could track their father down.

Candy.

Oh, look... it's your brother, Mitch.

Now, he was always a little uptight, wasn't he?

Well, he was in high school, but now he's just the most...

Okay, you have one job today, young lady,

okay, to be supportive.

If your dad makes a joke, you will laugh.

If he makes a speech, you will what? Applaud.

Right. I-I-I'm gonna go find my seat.

But it was great catching up with you, Claire.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

No one would blame you if you mentioned

you had a daughter graduating from Caltech today.

Yeah. Honey, the moment has passed.

I'd need a pretty good reason to just go waltzing over there...

Oh! She dropped her program!

Yes!

Hey, Claire, you know how you're my go-to gal...

- Busy. - Hey, Phil.

You know how you're my go-to guy on stuff?

Huh.

I suppose against all odds, we've become best friends.

Sure.

So, apparently, some of the students are angry

that I'm giving the commencement address.

- Why? - Who knows why their sick minds do anything?

Gotta say though, it feels good to be hating hippies again.

Anyway, would you mind giving this place a sweep?

See if you notice something suspicious.

Consider it done.

Hey. What do you got there?

You kids got something under those robes you want to show me?

Manny, you passed the cuts,

so why aren't you in a better mood?

You bribed my dean to get me past the cut, didn't you?

I would never do something like that.

Oh, bravo!

If Lisa Wagner pulled out that performance,

maybe she wouldn't be driving back to her parents' house

with a trunk full of handmade puppets

and a suddenly very uncertain future.

I didn't bribe anyone. I don't know why you're talking such crazy things.

Because I saw you bribe Sensei Ron.

Wait. You bribed Sensei Ron?!

So this is just a lie?!

Are there others?

Who the hell even am I?!

Oh!

Oops.

Oh, my God!

Nice try, kemosabes.

Oh!

Mm! Mm!

Hey. Ash. I think you left your program.

Oh. Thank you.

Wow, it's wild to think

where all these kids are gonna end up, right?

I mean, there's so many great schools.

In fact, our...

Oh. Is something wrong?

Our daughter joined ISIS.

Oh, God!

The government said she's not an American anymore.

There's a van always parked in front of our house.

Oh, God. I'm so sorry...

Did Claire tell you our daughter's a genius?

...and so, graduates, look to your left

and to your right.

It's a simple key chain with a tiny cowboy hat charm on it.

If you see it, please pass it forward.

All right, and now on to our commencement speaker.

He is a pillar of the community,

an entrepreneur and closeteer... Mr. Jay Pritchett.

Commencement.

"C" for "courage,"

"O" for "opportunity,"

the first "M"...

Disaster had struck.

But did I panic?

No.

No one chooses to be a wartime principal.

But we're the ones history remembers.

Pick one, they all said...

closets or blinds.

Mitchell, he's tanking my graduation.

I'm cutting him off and moving right to the in-memoriam section.

Well, that would be less depressing.

Yeah, the problem is, the band just walked out in solidarity.

- Here. - W-What?

Mitchell, you can't have an in memoriam without music.

That's just a bummer.

- Take it! - Oh.

Hoot all you want, but that Brylcreem kid was me!

Yes, hi, thank you.

Thank you, Jay Pritchett, everyone!

Wow, I don't know about you, but I feel like

getting out there and taking on the world, huh?

- That's a... - And now, let's remember

those Dolphins we lost this year.

Mitchell, play something. Play anything.

Something with the most gravitas.

You know, for a person who last touched a trumpet two years ago,

I think I sounded pretty good.

I'm done. I'm done.

All right! Wow!

That is a lot of deceased for one year.

We should probably have the police check into that.

And now, before, uh, passing out diplomas,

I would like to make sort of a...

a personal gesture to this graduating class.

As these balloons fill the sky, know that each one of them

represents a student who has personally inspired me

and filled me with hope for a better tomorrow.

What?

Psst! Acting Principal!

Protesters hacked into our sprinkler system.

It's set to go off in five minutes.

We have to postpone the graduation.

And miss my chance of becoming principal?

Not a chance!

Well, no one can read 400 names in five minutes.

Oh, really?

All that training, all those parties missed,

all those auctions attended

were for this moment right here, right now.

Students, hi! When you hear your name,

please proceed to the stage and grab your diploma.

Nelly Abrishami, Allison Acosta, Frieda Alafary,

Scott "The Skunk" Albanese, Jessica Alenick,

Richard Thompson Allen, Lavaria Aminu, Larry Annecone,

Darla Arleto, Daniel Dey Aronson...

I was gonna make it!

And then...

I hit the Polish names.

Czeslaw Wlodaryzack-ck-kowsky.

Wladyslaw Wlod...

nisky? Yeah.

Uh... Oh!

Myra Zarinsky...

Okay, if we steer clear of Dad and Cam, we've got a chance

of blending into the mob when they turn violent.

What the hell is this?

Okay, well, apparently, when those owls

hacked into the sprinkler system, it was school-wide.

They're not letting anyone into the parking structure.

Oh, no!

I hope this doesn't mean we're gonna have to miss

the second graduation of the day.

How lucky is that?

Me cruising by with an Uber fare right when you called.

- So lucky. - Very lucky.

- Very good. - Well, this is you, Gerald.

Let's have today be the day

you stop playing for your dad

and start playing for Gerald.

That... That kind of reminds me...

I'm sorry I lied about the trumpet lessons.

Oh, please. Not the worst part of my day.

I'm realizing now that Principal Brown set me up to fail.

There was no car crash,

just like there was no moon landing.

- Cam... - Flags can't wave in space, Mitchell.

Hey, hey, hey, I was humiliated much worse than you.

It was so unfair.

A lifetime of service out the window.

You think I don't see the faces of owls

every night I close my eyes?

At least you've accomplished something they can tear down.

I'm a fraud!

You see what you did to your brother?

Look at those sad, hurt eyes.

Like a sad little owl.

Well, maybe if you believed in your sons

instead of giving everyone Colombian handshakes.

What?!

I've never sanded down a man's fingers

in front of his family!

Oh, you mean the bribes?

You can't deny it anymore.

Look at this photo on my dean's Instagram.

He's wearing the same watch you gave Sensei Ron.

The superintendent was wearing that same watch.

I-I noticed it when he shook my hand at the end of the ceremony

and said I was a "horrifying disgrace."

You bribed him?!

Is that how I got my speech?

Okay, enough!

I'm sure you would have gotten all these things on your own,

but the world sometimes is very unfair!

And the watches are like an insurance.

Why do you even have so many?

Sometimes I do a little bit of Ambien shopping

and I buy too much of one thing.

Didn't you all wonder

when you got the same fun socks for Christmas?

- Oh, samesies. - I'll be damned!

- I don't have those. - They're fun!

I'm sorry, okay?

But I love you guys so much

to leave your dreams to chance.

I suppose where you grew up,

bending the rules was just a part of life.

It's what you had to do to get by.

Why wouldn't you do that to help the people you love?

Thank you, Manny.

You're not welcome. That's not how I feel.

I-It's a speech from a play I was in.

Right after that line,

I light up a cigarette and put my clothes back on.

Yeah, I'm good, but...

now I'll never know if that's why I made the cut.

Okay, stop. Look.

We've all had a terrible day today...

Not me.

Tons of great fares, amazing yoga class...

I-I was building to something, buddy.

But that's one of the great things about being in a family.

We get to share in each other's victories.

And Alex has a huge victory today

that can make us all feel better.

So let's...

turn around this crap day with a nice, feel-good...

Hey, is that Alex?

Oh, my God. Pull over! Back up!

Alex! Honey, what happened? Are you okay?

What day is it?

Not that time is anything but a flat circle.

So... we were done with classes, done with finals,

and, like college seniors since the beginning of time,

we decided to get a little nuts.

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

Our classmate Ashish Chug...

I did it!

...hacked his key card to get us access

to the restricted section of the library.

We decided to read Alister's Last Theorem.

Gottlob Alister wrote a proof showing that zero equals 1.

This rendered mathematics meaningless

and drove him insane.

According to legend, the same fate befalls anyone

who reads and understands the proof.

Good God.

If mathematics doesn't matter,

then no one can be certain of anything,

and I've just wasted the last four...

no, 16 years of my life,

and there's no point in me graduating!

Okay, I can tell that you're very upset,

and you're probably really overtired from finals.

But you are gonna regret it if you don't go to graduation.

Look, I promise... whatever is bothering you,

figure it out after the ceremony...

- After?! - Yes.

"After" implies "before"!

But if one minute ago is the same as zero minutes ago,

then before is now and now is after!

Usually when I hear people talking like this,

we're walking through a Taco Bell drive-through.

Sweetie, half your life is having your mind blown.

I remember when I heard there were more stars in the galaxy

than grains of rice in a box of Uncle Ben's.

No, there are more galaxies

than grains of sand on all the world's beaches.

Okay, I can't lose 'em both!

- I got this! Alex... - Somebody?

"I never knew true strength until..."

"I met a man with no feet."

Wait. No. These cards are not in order.

Wait. Nobody help her right now...

Alex, you're a smart, confident girl.

I know that you're gonna make the right decision.

Did you just put this watch on me?

I have a problem.

I say if Alex doesn't want to go to her graduation,

that's her decision.

- Thank you, Luke. - As long as you know

that whatever's going on here isn't about math.

Yeah, I think maybe you're afraid to leave school.

- What? - Your whole life,

you've always known exactly what you're supposed to do...

study, get good grades, repeat.

Now that's over, and it's scary.

Kind of like if zero equaled 1.

But lucky for you, your dummy brother and sister

have spent time in the real world.

And if we can handle it, you're gonna do just fine.

- You think? - Trust us.

Come on. Let's go get you graduated.

Oh, hold on. That door gets jammed.

- I have to open it from the inside. - Okay.

I got it! Hyah!

- Ohhh! Ohhh! - Ohhh! Ohhh!

Legend Danner.

I still can't get over that commencement speech.

Not a single laugh.

I'll tell you one element he didn't discover... hilarium.

Oh! Oh, oh!

Alex Dunphy.

Congratulations.

Hey!

We don't want to brag, but, uh...

Our kids did that.

Yeah.

Ay, no! No more watches!

When did I order these ones?!

Hey, Mom, guess what!

What, Papi?

My friend Carly got cut from my program,

and her dads funded our new costume department.

I guess bribes don't work.

I got through on my own merit.

- Yay! - That calls for a reward.

What is this?

Ay, Manny, please don't tell Jay.

Oatmeal raisin?

You know what... a true artist

doesn't close himself off to new experiences,

even vile, ill-leavened cookies.

That's the path I have chosen,

to experience and observe everything

in this beautiful pageant we call life.

Aah!

- synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com