Original subtitles

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY LIONS GATE ENTERTAINMENT

[BET YOUR BOTTOM DOLLAR PLAYING]

[BET YOUR BOTTOM DOLLAR PLAYING]

♪ EVERYBODY WANTS TO BE SOMEONE ♪

♪ FAME AND FORTUNE IS A LOT OF FUN ♪

♪ YOU CAN BET YOUR BOTTOM DOLLAR ♪

♪ I'M-A GONNA BE THE ONE

♪ YOU CAN BET YOUR BOTTOM DOLLAR ♪

♪ BABY, IT'S A-GONNA COME

♪ OTHER GUYS, THEY TRY TO PUT ME DOWN ♪

♪ BURST MY BUBBLE, TREAT ME LIKE A CLOWN ♪

♪ YOU CAN BET YOUR BOTTOM DOLLAR ♪

♪ I AIN'T GONNA WEAR NO FROWN ♪

♪ 'CAUSE FROWNING'S JUST A SMILE THAT'S HANGIN' ♪

♪ UPSIDE DOWN

♪ IT ISN'T EVERYDAY THAT YOU GET THE CHANCE ♪

♪ TO SHINE AMONG THE STARS

♪ YOU GOTTA SHOW THE WORLD JUST WHAT YOU GOT ♪

♪ AND, BABY, JUST WHO YOU ARE ♪

♪ EVERYBODY'S GOT A DREAM INSIDE ♪

♪ FEEL IT GROW, IT'S KIND OF HARD TO HIDE ♪

♪ YOU CAN BET YOUR BOTTOM DOLLAR...♪

Man: IRA, PLEASE, DON'T GET STARTED ON BRIAN.

HOW LONG HAVE WE BEEN PLAYING POKER AT HIS HOUSE?

I DON'T KNOW. 2 YEARS?

2 YEARS.

IN 2 YEARS, HOW MANY TIMES DID HE TELL US

WE'RE ON HIS NEXT SHOW?

WELL, HE NEVER ACTUALLY SAID THAT WE WERE--

HE HAS IMPLIED IT

AND HINTED AT IT MANY TIMES.

WELL, WE DON'T KNOW THAT HE'S NOT GONNA HIRE US.

WOULD ERNIE, OUR AGENT, BE AVOIDING US

IF BRIAN, OUR SCUMBAG,

HAD SHOWN ANY INTEREST IN HIRING US?

MAYBE HE DOESN'T WANT TO PUT ANYBODY ON HIS STAFF.

MAYBE HE'S JUST GONNA HAND OUT FREELANCE ASSIGNMENTS

OH, DON'T BE SO DESPERATE.

IRA, WE HAVEN'T WORKED IN 8 MONTHS...

AND I HAVE A WIFE.

ALL RIGHT, I-- DON'T SAY IT.

Woman: ARE YOU ON YOUR WAY TO YOUR CARD GAME?

Man: YEAH, WHAT'S UP?

BRIAN'S SHOW WAS PICKED UP.

I WANT TO FINISH MY BOOK!

DO THE SHOW FOR ONE SEASON,

AND YOU CAN FINISH YOUR BOOK DURING HIATUS.

DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING LEFT FROM THE ADVANCE?

NO.

YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS ABOUT THIS.

JUST LET BRIAN KNOW THAT YOU'RE READY TO WORK

AND CALL ME IN THE MORNING.

Man: HAVE YOU EVER WORKED WITH BRIAN BEFORE?

NO, I NEVER WORKED WITH HIM.

I KNOW HE WAS A REALLY BIG FAN OF MONKEY'S UP.

DON'T BRING THAT UP.

WHY?

WHEN YOU BRING UP A SHOW

THAT LASTED 8 EPISODES 2 SEASONS AGO

IT'S LIKE HOLDING UP A SIGN

THAT SAYS, "WILL WRITE FOR FOOD."

GOTCHA.

GOOD.

NOW GET IN THERE AND SUCK BRIAN'S DICK.

I AM ALL OVER IT.

NO, NO, BRIAN,

I'M NOT ALLOWING YOU TO DO THIS TO ME.

I THOUGHT I WAS READY TO COME BACK.

YOU ARE READY, MAN! I GOT YOU 22 ON THE AIR!

THEY WANT A FUCKIN' ANTHOLOGY SHOW, MAN.

EVERY WEEK A NEW FUCKIN' DEAL.

22 TIMES.

AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT'S ABOUT.

MORE SUSPENSEFUL THAN EERIE,

BUT A LITTLE EERIE...

WITH AN EDGE.

EVERYTHING'S GOT AN EDGE.

AND FUNNY, BUT DARK.

HOW DARK DEPENDS ON WHETHER WE GET

SUNDAY AT 7:00 OR THURSDAY AT 10:00.

AND IT'S GOTTA HAVE THIS LOOK.

SOMETHING ABOUT...

DIGITALS AND PIXELS AND DROP FRAMES.

AND WE'LL GET THOSE CHANTING BULGARIAN MONKS TO DO THE THEME.

MONKS WITH AN EDGE.

IS THAT WHAT THOSE IDIOTS TOLD YOU?

THAT'S WHAT I TOLD THEM.

THEN WHAT'S THE DEAL?! WHAT'S THE PROBLEM, BRIAN?

I SAT ON THAT COUCH,

AND I TRIED TO LISTEN TO MY OWN VOICE.

I WAS SPEAKING IN TONGUES.

WHO GIVES A SHIT WHAT YOU WERE SPEAKING IN, BRIAN?!

YOU GOT 22 SHOWS ON THE AIR.

AND I KNOW MELINDA. ONCE A DEAL IS MADE, THE REST IS CAKE.

CAKE?!

CAKE?!

22 EPISODES IS CAKE?!

BRIAN, YOU JUST GOTTA GET A TASTE FOR IT, OK?

LISTEN, YOU'RE A LITTLE RUSTY.

COME ON, BRI! YOU'RE THE MAN!

REMEMBER WHEN YOU USED TO GO OUT IN THE DESERT FOR 3 DAYS

AND COME BACK WITH 2 SHOOTING SCRIPTS?

YEAH, BUT I DIDN'T COME BACK WITH THE EIGHTBALL OF BLOW.

WELL, IF THAT'S THE ONLY PROBLEM.

COKE?

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND?!

FORGET IT! FORGET IT! BAD IDEA! YOU'RE RIGHT!

ALL RIGHT. LET'S TAKE THIS ONE STEP AT A TIME.

ALL THEY NEED BY FRIDAY

ARE STORY OUTLINES FOR THE FIRST 6 SHOWS.

NOTHING?

NOTHING!

YOU'VE HAD 30 DAYS, BRIAN!

GODDAMN IT, DON'T DO THIS TO ME!

YOU WANTED TO START WORKING AGAIN.

YOU SAID THE THERAPY WAS WORKING--

YOU'RE FUCKIN' CENTERED OR WHATEVER KIND OF BULLSHIT!

I KNOW YOU, BRIAN! YOU AREN'T GONNA LIKE FLYING COACH

AND LIVING IN FUCKING HACIENDA HEIGHTS!

2 WORDS FOR YOU, BRIAN: POTATO FAMINE!

[INCOHERENT YELLING]

YOU'RE NOT GONNA LIKE SCOURING ON YOUR FUCKING FRIENDS' BATHROOM

LOOKING FOR MUSHROOMS TO EAT! I KNOW YOU, BUDDY!

WHEN YOU STICK A DARNING NEEDLE UP YOUR ASS,

YOU'RE, LIKE, AT THE VAN NUYS HOLIDAY INN!

YOU OK?

NO. THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU.

I JUST CAN'T DO IT.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

HERE'S WHAT YOU GOTTA DO.

YOU GOTTA GET YOURSELF CLEANED UP,

PLAY YOUR POKER GAME, AND I'LL CALL YOU IN THE MORNING.

AND IF YOU STILL DON'T WANT TO DO IT, I'LL CALL MELINDA.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

WILL YOU GET THE DOOR?

Man: FIRST DAY'S BETS.

YEAH, I'M IN.

UH-HUH.

I CALL.

I FEEL LUCKY.

THAT'S RIGHT. HERE THEY COME.

KING TO THE 3...

10, ACE... QUEEN FOR THE ACTOR...

JACK. LOOKING LOW.

LOOKING VERY LOW.

ACE, 10.

5. I'M IN IT.

CHASING.

I CALL. I'M OUT.

YOU'RE--YOU'RE FOLDING AN ACE, TOO?

BRIAN ALWAYS BEATS ME LOW.

YOU HAD HIM BEAT ON THE TABLE, DUMMY.

I HAD A QUEEN UNDERNEATH.

WELL, THANKS A FUCKING LOT, BENNY.

JESUS CHRIST, BENNY,

THEY'RE DEALT FACEDOWN FOR A REASON.

SORRY. SORRY. SORRY. I'M SORRY.

I'M SORRY.

[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]

HOW ABOUT A CHOCO-CCINO?

I DON'T THINK SO. IT ALWAYS MAKES ME PHLEGMY.

Ira: IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?

HE NEVER OFFERED ME A CHOCO-CCINO.

CAN WE GET A NEW GAME GOING HERE?

YEAH, LET'S GO.

THANKS, BENNY.

I'M GONNA DEAL AGAIN.

IT'S LIKE A DO-OVER.

THIS TIME FROM THE TOP OF THE DECK.

WELL, YOU CAN'T ASK FOR EVERYTHING.

[LAUGHS]

YOU IN, BENNY?

DEAL ME IN. I'M IN. I'M IN.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S ANTE UP, BOYS.

Ira: ARE WE GONNA PLAY THE WHOLE GAME THIS TIME?

GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME THIS TIME, BENNY.

FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.

Benny: TAKE IT EASY.

WE'RE NOT IN HIGH SCHOOL ANYMORE. LET'S GO.

TURN YOURS OVER, WILL YA?

10 OVER HERE. WE GOT A 3 AND A 5.

[LAUGHS] BRIAN WINS AGAIN.

Neal: GOT ME AGAIN.

BRIAN'S TOO GOOD TONIGHT.

Benny: IT'S THE BANK OF BRIAN.

WHAT HAVE YOU LOST, 500?

YOU ARE HOT.Benny: YOU'RE UNBELIEVABLE.

BRIAN, I-- YOU'RE KILLING ME.

YOU ARE FUCKING KILLING ME.

CHOCO-CCINO?

MAY I HAVE MY BALLS BACK?

I'M A LOSER, YOU'RE A WINNER.

THAT'S A NICE SHIRT, BRIAN. WHERE DID YOU GET IT?

ALL RIGHT. I GIVE. I GIVE. I SURRENDER.

I'M ITALYING HERE.

I'M GIVING UP. I GOT BUPKIS.

BUPKIS. IT'S YOURS.

HAVE YOU LOST WEIGHT?

BRIAN, YOU ARE HOTTER THAN HONEYMOON DICK.

CIGAR?

NO, HAVE ONE OF MINE.

YOU WANT ME TO GET THE DOOR?

UH, NO, I'LL GET IT.

UH, DEAL ME OUT THIS HAND.

Benny: HANK'S DEAL.

Hank: JUST HANG ON A SECOND.

BENNY,

I THINK YOU'VE GOT SOMETHING ON YOUR NOSE HERE.

WHAT?

I'D ASSUME IT WAS SOMETHING BRIAN ATE 2 OR 3 DAYS AGO.

HEY, I NOTICED YOU DUMPING HANDS TO HIM, TOO.

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?

YEAH. ARE YOU GUYS LOOKING FOR JOBS OR SOMETHING?

YEAH. WHAT'S WITH YOU, HANK?

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE SUCH A KISS-ASS?

I'M NOT, I GOT SHIT CARDS, ALL RIGHT?

WAIT A MINUTE. IS BRIAN GOING BACK TO WORK?

TYPICAL FUCKING ACTOR. ME. ME. ME.

WHY DON'T YOU SUCK MY ASS, WRITER BOY?

HEY!NOT YOU, IRA.

SOMEBODY WRITE THAT UP FOR YOU? SOMEBODY SCRIPT THAT?

NO, NO. NO ONE HAS TO WRITE THAT UP FOR ME.

NO, I'M A PROFESSIONAL FUCKIN' ACTOR.

I CAN IMPROVISE.

OH, YOU'RE IMPROVISING? YES!

OH, THAT EXPLAINS MY BOREDOM.

WILL YOU ASSHOLES KNOCK IT THE HELL OFF?

JESUS FUCKIN' CHRIST!

I GET ONE NIGHT A WEEK TO RELAX AND HAVE A LITTLE CAMARADERIE.

[OPERATIC ARIA PLAYS FROM A NEARBY BUILDING]

[SIGHS]

Man: HEY, YOU!

HEY, YOU! UP THERE!

YES, YOU!

[SCREAMING]

[SIRENS]

DOWN HERE!

YEAH, YOU!

CHAMPAGNE,

YOU HAVE BETRAYED ME!

AAH!

COME HERE, SHITHEAD!

Second man: FUCK YOU!

STAY.

Woman: HELP ME GET RID OF HIM.

UHH.

OUCH!

[OPERATIC ARIA PLAYING]

BET TO THE HALF.

HUNDRED BUCKS.

[GROANS]

BRIAN, YOU ALL RIGHT?

HEY, YOU!

I THOUGHT I HEARD THE MARLBORO MAN TALKING TO ME,

BUT IT WAS OVER AT THE HOTEL.

A WOMAN AND A MAN ARE STANDING ON THE BALCONY.

THE LIGHTS IN THE TOWER

FLASH 4 TIMES AT PERFECT INTERVALS

LIKE PAUL FUCKIN' REVERE.

I HEAR A WOMAN SCREAM UP IN THE TOWER.

THE MAN ON THE BALCONY POINTS UP AND SAYS--

"CHAMPAGNE, YOU HAVE BETRAYED ME!"

BETRAYED ME?

DID YOU SAY, "CHAMPAGNE"?

IS ANYONE GONNA BET?

THE MAN REAPPEARS

AT THE OTHER END OF THE HOTEL ON THE FIRE ESCAPE.

THE WOMAN SAYS TO HIM,

"STAY AND HELP ME GET RID OF HIM."

THE GUY KISSES HER AND TAKES OFF DOWN THE ESCAPE.

ARE YOU SURE THIS WAS THE SAME GUY

AND THE SAME WOMAN AS THE ONES ON THE BALCONY?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

HOW WELL COULD YOU SEE THEM?

HELLO?!

DO SOMETHING.

UHH...

BET OR FOLD!

HUNDRED BUCKS.

HUNDRED BUCKS TO IRA.

I'M OUT.

Neal: I'M IN.

[WHISPERING] Come here. Come here.

Come here.

WHAT?

IT'S A TEST.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

BRIAN...

HE WANTS TO SEE WHICH ONE OF US CAN BREAK THE STORY.

HE'S PLAYING WITH US.

JUST LIKE, UH,

JAMES COBURN DID IN THE LAST OF SHEILA.

OH, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE--

I'M TELLING YOU...

HANK AND NEAL ARE GOING TO CUT OUR THROATS IF WE COCK AROUND.

NOW WE CAN DO THIS IF YOU'LL JUST GET INTO IT.

STOP WINNING.

OK, MAYBE--MAYBE IT'S, UH, JUST

YOUR RUN-OF-THE-MILL SEX-FOR-HIRE THING, RIGHT?

HOOKER'S IN THE WRONG PLACE AT THE WRONG TIME.

SHE WITNESSES A POLITICAL ASSASSINATION.

WASN'T THAT YOUR EQUALIZEREPISODE?

YOU KNOW, MAYBE THE HOOKER'S IN ON THIS WITH THE GUY IN THE TOWER.

A VARIATION OF THE PANEL GAME OR THE BADGER RACKET.

MAYBE YOU OUGHT TO STICK TO SELLING ENEMA BAGS.

MEDICAL SUPPLIES.

WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO BE A HOOKER?

I DON'T KNOW, BENNY,

MAYBE HER PARENTS DIDN'T LOVE HER ENOUGH.

SERIOUSLY,

DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU GUYS

THAT A GOOD-LOOKING WOMAN

IN A HOTEL ROOM

COULD BE ANYTHING BUT A HOOKER?

All: NO.

OK, BENNY, SHE'S NOT A HOOKER. WHO IS SHE?

UH, SOMEBODY'S WIFE.

OH, THAT IS EXCITING.

ALL RIGHT, UH... COLD OPENING:

A JEWEL THIEF COMES INTO A HOTEL ROOM, RIGHT?

AND, UH, THERE'S A HUSBAND AND WIFE IN BED. THEY'RE ASLEEP.

THE WIFE LOOKS UP. SHE SEES THE THIEF.

INSTEAD OF WAKING UP HER HUSBAND,

SHE TAKES THE JEWEL THIEF OUT ON TO THE FIRE ESCAPE

AND SAYS, "WE CAN GET RID OF HIM."

"HIM" BEING THE HUSBAND WHO'S ASLEEP IN THE BED.

THEN HOW DOES THAT EXPLAIN THE BALCONY?

OR THE TOWER?

HOW MUCH OF THIS ARE YOU MARRIED TO?

THAT'S IT. I'M GOING TO BELL.

THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT.

YOU KNOW, I GET ONE NIGHT A WEEK TO PLAY POKER

AND HAVE A LITTLE CAMARADERIE,

AND YOU ASSHOLES FUCK IT UP.

ARE YOU COMING?

YEAH, SURE. WHY NOT?

HEY, WHY DON'T WE GO TO THE BIKE AND PLAY WITH THE VIETNAMESE?

IT'S A GOOD IDEA. I DON'T UNDERSTAND THEY SAY EITHER,

BUT AT LEAST THEY FUCKING PLAY POKER.

THANK YOU FOR A LOVELY EVENING, GENTLEMEN.

GODDAMN WRITERS.

Benny: WHO PUT A NICKEL IN HIM?

[DOOR CLOSES]

Benny: BRIAN'S RIGHT.

WHO USES THE LINE "CHAMPAGNE, YOU HAVE BETRAYED ME"?

EITHER AN OLDER MAN

OR AN ACADEMIC OR AN INTELLECTUAL,

NOT SOME GUY RUNNING AROUND THE CHATEAU MARMONT

KILLING AND/OR ROBBING,

KISSING SOME BABE,

AND THEN FLEEING DOWN THE FIRE ESCAPE.

OR...

OR WHAT?

OR...

WHAT OTHER KIND OF GUY

USES THE WORD "BETRAYED"?

A FOREIGNER.

A FOREIGNER.

I GOTTA TAKE A LEAK.

WHO TOLD YOU?

OUR AGENT'S ASSISTANT. WHO TOLD YOU?

YOUR AGENT.

HUH.

YEAH, HE'S BEEN TRYING TO SIGN ME.

I THOUGHT YOU SHOULD KNOW.

THANK YOU.

ANYBODY KNOW WHAT THE SHOW'S ABOUT?

IT'S AN ANTHOLOGY. YOU THINK HE'S ALL RIGHT?

WHAT THE FUCK YOU MEAN HE'S BEEN TRYING TO SIGN YOU?

HEY, DON'T GET MAD AT ME.

HOW DO YOU LIKE IT OVER THERE ANYWAY?

OH, IT'S GREAT. SIGN WITH HIM.

SERIOUSLY, YOU THINK BRIAN'S ALL RIGHT?

IN WHAT WAY?

WELL, IF WE WEREN'T IN SHOW BUSINESS,

THIS SORT OF OBSESSIONAL SELF-ABSORPTION

WOULD BE ABERRATIONAL.

WHAT'S YOUR POINT?

MY POINT IS WE ALL KNOW

WHAT HAPPENED TO BRIAN 2 SEASONS AGO.

YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TENSE AT DEADLINE?

YES, BUT THEY NEVER HAD TO SEND ME HOME WITH A PSYCHIATRIC NURSE.

EVERYBODY WORKS DIFFERENTLY.

YOU THINK HE REALLY SAW WHAT HE SAYS HE SAW?

SURE.

I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE.

WELL, THE NORMAL FIRST REACTION

TO POSSIBLE SEEING A MURDER

IS NOT TO BREAK IT DOWN INTO 4 ACTS.

I THINK HE'S FUCKIN' WITH US.

EITHER WAY, IT'S A LITTLE PSYCHOTIC, DON'T YOU THINK?

WELL, MAYBE WE SHOULD ALL JUST GO HOME,

TAKE OUR MEETINGS WITH BRIAN SEPARATELY,

AND LET THE CHIPS FALL WHERE THEY MAY.

WORKS FOR ME. I'M EXHAUSTED.

AGREED. WE ALL GO HOME

AND LET BRIAN PULL HIMSELF TOGETHER.

IT'S SETTLED THEN.

ANYBODY WANNA GO GET A DRINK?

Hank: WHAT ABOUT THIS: A CRYSTAL-METH LAB

RUN BY A COUPLE OF DISGRUNTLED PHARMACISTS.

Neal: OH, YEAH. THE KIDS LOVE THE WHOLE PHARMACIST GENRE

BLOW ME, NEAL, AND I MEAN THAT SINCERELY.

AT LEAST ABOUT THE GUY ON THE FIRE ESCAPE.

IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE JEWEL THIEF, FINE.

YOU KNOW, THAT WAS JUST AN AREA.

WOULD YOU COME ON?

THEY'RE SPITBALLING DOWN THERE.

I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING RIGHT NOW,

I'M NOT WALKING BACK UP.

I'M NOT GETTING A HEART ATTACK FOR THIS GUY.

NOW WHAT?

WE HAVE TO TALK.

BECAUSE WE'RE NOT PRACTICALLY IN.

HE'S JUST HARD UP FOR AN IDEA.

OH, GOD.

BENNY, HE'S PUMPING US,

TRYING TO GET US TO WORK FOR NOTHING.

IRA, WE'VE BEEN WORKING FOR NOTHING FOR 8 MONTHS IN YOUR LIVING ROOM.

YEAH, BUT IN MY LIVING ROOM, I DON'T HAVE TO ELBOW OUT

A COUPLE OF DESPERATE HACKS FOR THE PRIVILEGE.

IRA, WE'RE A COUPLE OF DESPERATE HACKS!

OH, EVEN FOR YOU THAT'S PATHETIC.

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT WOULD BE A LOT LESS PATHETIC?

A JOB!

LOOK, I'VE GOTTA HAVE THIS.

I GOT A WIFE, I'M LEASING TO BUY,

AND I'M GOING AFTER THIS, WITH YOU OR WITHOUT YOU.

WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?

I SAID IF YOU DON'T WANT THIS,

I'M GOING AFTER IT BY MYSELF

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

NOBODY EVEN KNOWS IF YOU CAN WRITE BY YOURSELF.

I GOT A SPEC.

WHAT SPEC?

I DID A SAMPLE MURDER, SHE WROTE.

I FINISHED IT LAST WEEK.

YOU SCUMBAG.

LOOK, IT'S SOMETHING THAT I DID IN MY SPARE TIME.

YOU SCUMBAG LIAR!

YOU WEREN'T EVEN TALKING TO ME!

WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?

DON'T TRY AND JUSTIFY THIS!

OK, OK, OK, OK. LISTEN,

I'M SORRY ABOUT WHAT I SAID.

I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS WITHOUT YOU.

THEN WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING WRITING A SPEC BEHIND MY BACK?

AND MURDER, SHE WROTE?

JESUS CHR--

ISN'T THAT OFF THE AIR?

THEY'RE DOING 3 2-HOUR REUNION SPECIALS.

THIS IS HER IDEA, YES?

SHE WAS SUPPORTIVE, YEAH.

YEAH, AS IN "I CAN'T BLOW A MAN WHO DOESN'T STAND UP FOR HIMSELF."

THAT'S NOT WHY SHE DOESN'T BLOW ME!

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

TO GET A JOB!

NOW YOU'RE COOKING WITH GAS!

BUT IT'S EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF,

WHICH MEANS, YOU'RE OUT.

MURDER, SHE WROTE. UNBELIEVABLE!

ALL RIGHT, LET ME ASK YOU GUYS SOMETHING.

THEORETICALLY--

EVENING, MR. PETTIFORD.

HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN A WHILE.

UH, DIET COKE, HEAVY ON THE MARASCHINOS?

REMY. WATER BACK.

A LABBAT-ICE FOR ME.

'CARDI, ROCKS.

Brian: WHERE'S BENNY?

HE VOMITED AND WENT HOME.

IN THAT CASE, I'LL HAVE A VODKA AND SAUERKRAUT JUICE.

JIMMY...

YES, MR. P.?

THE WEST-FACING SUITE, FIFTH FLOOR.

DO YOU KNOW WHO'S IN THERE?

NO, I DON'T.

FIND OUT FOR ME, WOULD YOU?

I--I REALLY CAN'T DO THAT.

I--I KIND OF HAVE TO RESPECT THE GUESTS' PRIVACY.

I'M SORRY, MR. PETTIFORD.

I'LL, UH, JUST GO GET THOSE DRINKS.

PUTZ.

I MEAN...

Man: HEY, PHILIPPE...

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

SOMETHING ELSE. SOMETHING...

BIG...

UNDERNEATH ALL OF THIS.

NOW WHAT ARE THE BLINKING FUCKING LIGHTS IN THE TOWER?

AND I DON'T WANT ANY TV BULLSHIT.

AHEM.

PERPETUAL NOVELTY.

PERPETUAL NOVELTY.

IT'S ONE OF THE BASIC IDEAS

IN FORMING COMPLEXITY THEORY.

I'VE BEEN READING THIS BOOK.

THEY'RE THESE PHYSICISTS, BIOLOGISTS, AND ECONOMISTS

WORKING UP IN SOME THINK TANK IN SANTA FE.

THEY'VE BEEN TRYING TO COME UP

WITH MODELS FOR STUDYING COMPLEX ADAPTIVE SYSTEMS.

YOU UNDERSTAND? WE'RE TRYING TO TAKE A SITUATION

THAT WAS HAPPENING,

THAT WAS UNFOLDING IN THE MOMENT,

AND WE'RE TRYING TO FIND A POINT OF EQUILIBRIUM

FROM WHICH WE CAN FIND ORDER IN IT.

WELL, THESE GUYS UP IN SANTA FE

GO ON THE IDEA THAT IN COMPLEX ADAPTIVE SYSTEMS,

ORDER IS HIGHLY DISPERSED.

THERE IS NO SINGLE VANTAGE POINT FROM WHICH

ONE CAN DISCERN THE COHERENCE OF THE BEHAVIOR.

IN OTHER WORDS,

THERE IS NO MASTER NEURON IN THE BRAIN,

NO MASTER CELL IN THE DEVELOPING EMBRYO,

SO WHAT APPEARS TO BE ORDER IN A SYSTEM,

IS MERELY THE OUTCOME OF COOPERATION AND COMPETITION

AMONG THE AGENTS IN THAT SYSTEM.

WHO--WHO PUT ON THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL?

ANYBODY HERE KNOW FRENCH?

Brian: WHY?

I'M OUTSIDE, OK?

I'M BY THE FIRE ESCAPE,

AND THERE ARE THESE 2 VERY SUSPICIOUS FRENCH GUYS, OK?

AND ONE OF THEM SAYS TO THE OTHER, JUST...

BEAR WITH ME, IT'S...

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

"HE MUST STILL HAVE THE DESIRED PASTRY WITH HIM."

AHEM, EXCUSE ME. UH, MR. P.

YOU GUYS KEEP WORKING,

I HAVE TO GO TO THE PHONE.

Hank: WAIT! BRIAN, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

BRIAN?

Neal: NICE FUCKING WORK, BENNY.

YEAH, WHAT'D YOU DO?

FIND A FRENCH-ENGLISH DICTIONARY IN THE JOHN?

YOU SAID EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

WE'VE GOTTA GET THIS GUY GROUNDED.

OH, IS THAT WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO, HANK?

LOOK, MAYBE BRIAN SAW SOMETHING, MAYBE HE DIDN'T,

BUT HE'S BECOMING COMPLETELY DELUSIONAL.

I THINK WE GOT TO GET HIM HOME,

AND--AND--AND CALL HIS SHRINK.

Neal: YOU'RE RIGHT.

I MEAN, IF BRIAN CRACKS UP AGAIN,

THERE MIGHT NOT BE ANY JOBS FOR ANY OF US.

I'LL GET RIGHT TO THE POINT.

I WANT YOUR STORY.

GEE, YOU WORK FAST.

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'VE GOT A STORY?

EVERYBODY'S GOT A STORY,

IT'S JUST THAT NOT EVERYBODY CAN TELL IT.

HOW DO YOU KNOW I CAN TELL IT?

I'LL TELL IT.

DOESN'T SOUND LIKE MUCH FUN FOR ME.

THERE'LL BE SOME MONEY IN IT FOR YOU.

HOW DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?

I LIVE JUST UP THE HILL FROM HERE.

MY BEDROOM WINDOW LOOKS STRAIGHT ACROSS AT THE UPSTAIRS TERRACE.

AND?

I SAW WHAT WENT ON UP THERE TONIGHT.

AM I CONFUSED OR JUST OUT OF MY LEAGUE?

Benny: HIS SHRINK WAS APPLEFIELD.

Hank: WE'VE GOTTA CALL DR. APPLEFIELD.

[WHISPERING] Guys, guys, guys, guys. Guys!

Steven Spielberg up at the--

Steven Spielberg's up at the desk.

Oh, my God, that's Spielberg.

IRA: That's not Steven Spielberg.

Shut up. It is.

I'm telling you it is.

My cousin Gary look more like Spielberg--

Anything I say is not--

I know Spielberg. He goes to my temple.

Whatever. Whatever.

THE WAITER DID TELL YOU WHAT I DO, DIDN'T HE?

NO.

NO WONDER YOU'RE BEING SO CAGEY.

YOU MUST HAVE THOUGHT I WAS A BLACKMAILER OR SOMETHING AWFUL.

I WRITE AND PRODUCE TELEVISION SHOWS.

MMM.

NO KIDDING.

I SAW WHAT WENT ON UP THERE TONIGHT.

IT STARTED TO GIVE ME AN IDEA FOR A SHOW.

[SIGHS]

YOU KNOW, I THINK MAYBE--

YOU THINK MAYBE WHAT?

CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS SOMEPLACE ELSE?

WHERE?

THERE'S A BAR ACROSS THE STREET THAT I LIKE.

I'M A LITTLE OLD FOR THAT PLACE.

PLEASE.

CAN WE JUST GET OUT OF HERE?

LET ME GET MY COAT.

IT'S NOT SPIELBERG.

I'M TELLING YOU IT IS.

NO, IT'S NOT SPIELBERG.

ARE YOU HAPPY?

ARE YOU SHOCKED IT'S NOT SPIELBERG?

Hank: LOOKS LIKE RON SILVER.

LOOKS LIKE RON SILVER?

YOU'RE WRONG ABOUT THAT, TOO.

WHERE THE HELL'S BRIAN?

SHOULD I GO LOOK FOR HIM?

WHY? SO YOU CAN TELL HIM THAT THE LATVIANS

ARE PLAYING DOMINOES IN THE MEN'S ROOM?

I'LL GO FIND HIM.

I'LL GO WITH YOU.

HI, CONNIE.

GOOD EVENING, MR. P.

UH, WE COULD GO UP TO MY PLACE.

Ira: WOULD YOU TWO KNOCK IT OFF?

Neal: WHERE THE FUCK DID HE GO?

MAYBE WE OUGHT TO JUST GO HOME

AND CALL HIM IN THE MORNING.

Hank: THE WAY HE'S BEEN BEHAVING?

WITH HIS HISTORY? LISTEN, HE'S GOT A BAGFUL OF PILLS,

AND I HAPPEN TO KNOW THERE'S A GUN IN THE HOUSE.

A GUN IN THE HOUSE?

WE WENT SHOOTING AT THE RANGE TOGETHER ONCE.

WHEN DID YOU GO SHOOTING AT THE RANGE?

WE'RE GOING UP THERE.

NO, REALLY, WHEN DID YOU GO SHOOTING AT THE RANGE?

I WANT TO KNOW.ENOUGH WITH THE RANGE.

MAYBE WE JUST BETTER GO ACROSS THE STREET.

[R&B MUSIC PLAYING]

SO...

SO...

SO, WHAT WENT ON UP THERE?

CAN WE GET A DRINK FIRST?

STOLI, ROCKS.

AQUAVIT.

DADDY.

TRACY?

NO. CARLA.

I'LL HAVE AN AQUAVIT.

SHE SEEMED RELIEVED.

LET'S START AT THE BEGINNING.

WHAT WERE THE LIGHTS IN THE TOWER?

WELL, YOU'RE THE EXPERT,

BUT IT SEEMS TO ME THAT THAT PART OF THE STORY

WON'T MAKE ANY SENSE UNLESS YOU START AT THE BEGINNING.

WHERE AT THE BEGINNING?

WELL, DON'T YOU USUALLY START OFF

WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER? WHO SHE IS.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL PRETEND I'M EUGENE O'NEILL FOR A SECOND.

WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

NEW JERSEY.

GREAT. WHAT WERE THE LIGHTS IN THE TOWER?

BRIAN. BRIAN!

MAYBE WE SHOULD CALL THE POLICE.

BEFORE WE DO THAT,

HAS ANYONE CHECKED TO SEE IF THE FRONT DOOR'S LOCKED?

NEAL...YOU'RE THE MOST ATHLETIC.

I'LL CHECK UPSTAIRS.

I'LL COME WITH YOU.

I'LL CHECK THE POOL.

Hank: YOU UP HERE, BRIAN?Neal: BRIAN?

HEY, BRIAN?

I WOULD'VE SWORN HE TURNED THIS THING ON WHEN WE LEFT.

[RINGING]

BENNY, WHAT DID YOU DO?

Neal: WHAT THE FUCK?!

WELL, WHAT KIND OF SCHMUCK BURGLAR'S

GONNA STAND HERE AND WAVE HIS ARMS?

Neal: COME ON, BENNY, MOVE IT, MOVE IT. HURRY.

[SIREN WHOOPS]

OH, SHIT!

OH, MAN!

[SIREN]

[LATIN RHYTHM PLAYING]

THIS IS REALLY GREAT.

SHH. I LOVE THIS SONG.OH!

LET'S TALK.

OK, SHOOT.

AREN'T YOU FORGETTING SOMETHING?

WHAT?

ARE YOU THE ONLY ONE WHO GETS TO BE

ALL BUSINESS AROUND HERE?

OH, YEAH, WELL, HOW 'BOUT THIS?

IF I USE WHAT YOU TELL ME

AS AN "A" STORY IN AN EPISODE,

I'LL GIVE YOU 500 BUCKS.

HMM. AND HOW MUCH WILL YOU GET PAID FOR THE STORY?

WELL, IT'S KIND OF COMPLICATED.

I HAVE AN OVERALL DEAL,

AND THINGS LIKE STORY PAYMENTS

GET CHARGED AGAINST IT.

HMM. SO HOW MUCH WILL GET CHARGED AGAINST IT

FOR MY STORY?

[VOICE ECHOING] AFTER ALL, IT IS MY STORY.

IT HAPPENED TO ME.

IT WAS A VERY UPSETTING EXPERIENCE.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

SOMEBODY'S A LITTLE TENSE.

I DON'T KNOW WHICH ONE TO TAKE.

WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOUR SYMPTOMS?

DISORIENTATION, HEADACHE,

OBSESSIVE THINKING.

DO YOU FEEL PANICKED?

STRANGELY, NO.

OH, THIS ONE WILL KNOCK YOU OUT.

THIS ONE YOU HAVE TO TAKE EVERY DAY FOR 3 WEEKS

BEFORE YOU GET ANY RESULTS.

THIS ONE--OH, THIS ONE'S A HYPNOTIC.

POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS, HAPPY HAPPY, JOY JOY.

I HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT.

A WOMAN WITH A SECRET...

AND A PHARMACOLOGY DEGREE.

WELL, ONE NEEDS TO STAY UP ON THESE THINGS,

DOESN'T ONE?

OR, IN THIS CASE, ONE NEEDS THESE THINGS

TO STAY UP.

AREN'T YOU GONNA WRITE THAT DOWN?

ONLY A REAL HACK WRITES DOWN HIS OWN BON MOTS.

OTHER SIDE EFFECTS INCLUDE SHORT-TERM MEMORY LOSS.

THIS IS NICE.

AND YOU ARE?

HER PARTNER.

EX-PARTNER.

WHAT HAVE YOU GIVEN HIM?

NOTHING.

DON'T WORRY, I'M NOT A COP

OR A REPORTER OR ANYTHING.

I KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

WELL, MAYBE YOU AND I CAN TALK LATER.

I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU. I WANT TO TALK TO HER.

LATER.

NOW.

WOULD YOU EXCUSE ME FOR A MINUTE?

GET OVER HERE.

GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME, OK?!

JUST RELAX.TOUGH GUY.

TRYIN' TO SHOW OFF IN FRONT OF HIM?

I'M NOT GONNA SHOW OFF IN FRONT OF HIM.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?

YOU'RE SUPPOSE TO PLAY NICE IN FRONT OF STRANGERS, OK?

YOU JUST CALM DOWN.

I'M THE ONE GOIN'--

YOU MEAN ALL OVER TOWN?

I THOUGHT I MADE IT PERFECTLY CLEAR.

I AM THROUGH WITH YOU.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE THROUGH WITH ME?

MAYBE YOU'RE THROUGH WITH ME, YOU'RE NOT THROUGH WITH THE STUFF,

AND THAT'S WHAT I'M HERE TO PROTECT.

TAKE A LOOK IN THE MIRROR.

YOU'RE A LOSER, AND I DON'T WANT

TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M A LOSER?!

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?! YOU'RE CALLING ME A FUCKING LOSER?!

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. YOU WANNA GO WITH HIM...

I'M NOT GOING WITH HIM. WE'RE JUST TALKING.

YOU GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME!

DON'T MANHANDLE--[THUD]

OW! FUCK! OK, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

YOU WANNA GO WITH HIM?

JUST DON'T TAKE ANY OF MY SHIT.

YOU'RE HURTING ME. LET GO.

EXCUSE ME.

FAMILY BUSINESS. STEP OFF.

UH, BEFORE WE DO ANYTHING,

I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I AM REPRESENTED BY BURT FIELDS.

HAVE YOU ALREADY SLEPT WITH HIM?

SO WHAT?!

THINK THEY ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS?

DESK SERGEANT SAID THAT THEY DO.

COME ON, GUYS, PLEASE. HANG AROUND WITH ME, PLEASE?

WHAT DO YOU THINK'S GONNA HAPPEN?

YOU'RE RIGHT NEXT DOOR TO A POLICE STATION.

I KNOW, BUT IRA'S CAR IS PARKED UP AT BRIAN'S.

HOW WE GONNA GET BACK?

BENNY, THE DESK SERGEANT WILL CALL A CAB FOR YOU

WHEN THEY'RE READY TO LET IRA GO.

OH, COME ON, GUYS, PLEASE.

PLEASE JUST STAY AND WAIT.

LISTEN, WE'RE TIRED.

WE NEED TO GO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED TO BRIAN.

YEAH. BESIDES, YOU'RE THE ONE

THAT OPENED YOUR MOUTH TO THE SECURITY GUY.

I KNOW, I KNOW. BUT HE'S GONNA BE SO PISSED

WHEN HE GETS OUT.

YOU GUYS PROBABLY NEED TO TALK.

WELL, DITCHED THOSE TWO.

WE GAVE 'EM OUR STATEMENTS. THEY'LL BE FINE.

YOU KNOW, HANK, SOMETIMES YOU SCARE ME.

PARDON?

YEAH, YOU KNOW, ALL YOUR KUMBAYA HORSE SHIT

ABOUT "IS BRIAN GONNA BE OK?"

BUT WHEN IT COMES TO IRA,

WHO CAN'T DO ANYTHING FOR YOU--

I DIDN'T NOTICE YOU STICKIN' AROUND.

YEAH, WELL, I NEVER PRETENDED TO BE IRA'S PAL, DID I?

HOW OLD ARE YOU?

29.YEAH? I'M 44.

YEAH? REALLY?

IS THAT WHEN THEY GIVE OUT THE HYPOCRITES LICENSES?

ON THE DAY YOU TURN 37,

ALL OF A SUDDEN YOU REALIZE

THAT OTHER PEOPLE ARE NOT WHAT'S IMPORTANT.

REALLY?

YOU LEARN TO PUT YOUR FAITH IN INSTITUTIONS.

IT'S THE OPPOSITE OF EVERYTHING

THAT THE CULTURE TEACHES YOU.

IT'S NOT THE WIFE, IT'S THE MARRIAGE.

IT'S NOT THE PLAYER, IT'S THE TEAM.

THERE ARE CERTAIN INSTITUTIONS

THAT MUST BE PRESERVED, EVEN IF THEY ARE DAMAGED.

AND WHAT INSTITUTION DOES BRIAN REPRESENT?

SYNDICATION.

SO YOU'RE NOT A HIPPIE. YOU'RE HARRY LIME.

THAT'S ANOTHER GREAT THING ABOUT TURNING 37.

YOU STOP BEING INDIGNANT.

OH, I'M NOT INDIGNANT. I AM IN AWE.

GO, MY SON, AND SIN NO MORE.

LET'S GET OUTTA HERE.

COPS GIVE ME THE CREEPS.

OH...

DID HE KICK ME?

YOU HIT THE PLANTER WHEN YOU FELL BACKWARDS.

THERE WAS A WOMAN WITH ME.

YEAH. SHE SAID YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO CALL THE COPS.

WHERE'D SHE GO?

SHE HUSTLED SUGAR RAY OUT OF HERE.

DID SHE SAY FOR ME TO WAIT?

WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE, A KIOSK?

[HORN HONKS]

GET IN.

[CAR BACKFIRES]

[ENGINE DIES]

[CAR STARTS AGAIN]

[GROANS]

WHY THE HELL DID YOU HAVE TO TELL HIM

THAT YOU SLEPT WITH ME?

I TOLD YOU, I THOUGHT IT WOULD GET RID OF HIM.

WANT A DRINK?

GOT ANY VODKA?

STOLI?

FINE.

COZY.

YOU KNOW, I THINK I FIGURED OUT

WHAT I WANT FOR MY STORY.

OK, HOW MUCH?

I WANT CREDIT.

OH--[GLASS BREAKS]

LOOK, IN ORDER TO GET YOUR NAME ON SOMETHING

YOU'D HAVE TO ACTUALLY WRITE IT...

AND YOU'D HAVE TO ACTUALLY HAVEA NAME.

YOU CAN HAVE ANYTHING ELSE.

BOY, I'D HATE TO SEE YOU WITH A CRAB LEG.

[GIGGLES]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

RUN SILENT, RUN DEEP.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

THEY'LL GO AWAY.

[FOOTSTEPS]

[CAR DOOR SLAMS]

WHAT IF IT'S YOUR FRIENDS?

WHAT IF IT'S YOUR PARTNER?

LET ME SEE THAT.

[SIGHS]

THE SAFETY'S ON.

[CLATTER]

WHOA! UNH!

DANNY!

JESUS CHRIST, MAN,

I THINK YOU BROKE MY FUCKIN' ASS!

WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOIN'?

I WAS WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

DON'T YOU EVER OPEN THE DOOR?

HOW'D YOU KNOW I WAS HERE?

I SAW SOME SHADOWS IN THE BEDROOM UPSTAIRS.

YOU GOT A WOMAN UP THERE?

GET THAT FUCKING GUN AWAY!

GUNS ARE DANGEROUS.

LISTEN, I GOT AN IDEA.

HOW 'BOUT I CALL THE NETWORK UP

AND GIVE THEM SOME OUTRAGEOUS BULLSHIT STORY?

THEN I THINK I COULD BUY YOU ANOTHER WEEK.

THAT'S NOT AN IDEA, DANNY.

WHEN YOU HAVE THE OUTRAGEOUS BULLSHIT STORY,

THEN YOU'LL HAVE AN IDEA.

[SIGHS] LOOK...

DON'T SAY ANYTHING TO THE NETWORK JUST YET.

WELL, I HAVE TO TELL 'EM SOMETHING.

OR ELSE YOU DO.

I'LL FIGURE OUT SOMETHING.

I BELIEVE IN YOU, MAN.

AND I BELIEVE YOU BELIEVE IN ME.

YEAH, COURTNEY, I WANT YOU TO GET A COUPLE NUMBERS FOR ME.

I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT TIME IT IS, ALL RIGHT?!

OK, I WANT YOU TO GET ME DR. JERRY APPLEFIELD.

GET HIS SERVICE.

QUIT YAWNING. QUIT YAWNING.

WHAT THE HELL'S GOIN' ON, GUYS?

HOW COME YOU AREN'T PLAYIN' POKER?

IRA'S IN JAIL.

WHAT?

HE PUNCHED OUT ONE OF THOSE SECURITY GUYS.

HOW THE HELL'D THAT HAPPEN?

WELL, HE THOUGHT THE GUY CALLED BENNY A JEW BOY.

WELL, FUCK HIM.

WHAT'S GOIN' ON WITH BRIAN?

WHO'S HE UP THERE WITH?

BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF US.

HEY, WHO REPRESENTS YOU GUYS?

[MAN SOBBING]

KNOCK IT OFF, WILL YA?

I'M SORRY.

[CRYING]

YOU'RE MAKING IT VERY HARD FOR ME

TO PRETEND I'M NOT HERE.

I'M NOT A SEX JUNKIE.

CONGRATULATIONS.

NOBODY WANTS ME FOR ME, YOU KNOW?

EVERYBODY WANTS ME 'CAUSE I GOT THIS FREAK DONG.

WHAT?!

YOU KNOW, I SUPPOSE I'M WEAK

'CAUSE I GO ALONG WITH IT, RIGHT?

BUT YOU KNOW, I GOT TO MEET ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE

I NEVER WOULD'VE MET OTHERWISE, YOU KNOW?

INTERESTING PEOPLE. AND IT TOOK ME PLACES, YOU KNOW?

NOW LOOK WHERE IT'S TAKEN ME.

IT'S LIKE HAVING AN ALBATROSS HANGING BETWEEN YOUR LEGS!

TELL ME SOMETHING, MAN,

WHAT'S IT LIKE TO HAVE A PENIS

THAT YOU CAN'T SIT ON?

LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHY, EXACTLY,

BUT I'M NOT COMFORTABLE DISCUSSING THIS.

YOU THINK I'M COMFORTABLE?

COME ON, I GOT A MEDIUM-SIZED FOREST CREATURE

IN MY PANTS!

HEY! I DON'T WANNA HEAR ANOTHER WORD

ABOUT YOUR DICK! OK?!

OK. ALL RIGHT.

LYMON'S GIRLFRIEND--

THIS UNBELIEVABLE-LOOKING BLACK CHICK NAMED, UH,

CHAMPAGNE--

OK, WELL, SOMEBODY MUST'VE TOLD--

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE SHE WANTED TO TAKE ME

UP IN THE TOWER OF THE HOTEL

TO, UH, SHOW ME THE VIEW, RIGHT?

WELL, NEXT THING YOU KNOW--UNH!

IF ONLY WE HADN'T BEEN LEANING

UP AGAINST THE LIGHT SWITCH--

CHAMPAGNE, CHAMPAGNE-- WHAT HOTEL WAS THIS?

LOOK, I'VE DONE 2 PORNOS, OK?

THEY SAID I WAS JUST ANOTHER 13-INCH COCK.

NOW I'M SELLING PLUMBING FIXTURES.

WHAT HOTEL?

THE CHATEAU, UP ON THE STRIP.

THE ONE WITH THE TOWER.

YOU WERE IN THE TOWER TONIGHT SHTUPPING?

MAKING LOVE.

AND YOU WERE BUMPING THE LIGHTS ON AND OFF?

WE WERE SUPPOSED TO GO TO LYMON'S ROOM

TO PLAY PICTIONARY, RIGHT?

BUT YOU GOTTA BRING LUBRICATION.

LOOK, LET ME GIVE YOU A TIP ABOUT STORYTELLING.

START AT THE BEGINNING.

THE REAL QUESTION IS

WILL THE NETWORK LET US RUN THE SHOW?

YOU TWO? MM-HMM.

FRANKLY, NO WAY.

AND NONE OF THAT'S GONNA MATTER BECAUSE IF THE NETWORK

DOESN'T HAVE SOMETHING TO SEE BY FRIDAY,

THERE IS NOT GONNA BE A SHOW.

MM-HMM.

BUT I GUARANTEE YOU GUYS THIS--

IF I CAN GET ANOTHER ONE OF MY CLIENTS

TO CONFIGURE HIS DEAL

AND TAKE THE JOB THAT BRIAN'S DOING RIGHT NOW OVER,

THEN YOU TWO WILL BE ON THE SHOW

AT NO LESS THAN SUPERVISING PRODUCERS.

SO, BASICALLY, WE SHOOT BRIAN IN THE NUTS.

I LOVE BRIAN. DO YOU LOVE BRIAN?

WE LOVE BRIAN. WE'RE NOT GONNA SHOOT HIM

IN THE NUTS.

DON'T YOU CARE ABOUT BRIAN?

HANG ON A SECOND. WAIT A MINUTE.

I LOVE BRIAN, TOO.

HE'S JUST LIKE A BROTHER TO ME.

YEAH, WELL, HE'S SICK. HE'S SICK, YOU UNDERSTAND?

YEAH.

DANNY... YES?

COULD YOU EXCUSE US FOR A SECOND?

YEAH.

IF YOU DON'T MIND, WE JUST WANT TO--

OH, YOU WANT ME TO--OH.

APPRECIATE IT.

HANK, THIS IS NO TIME TO TAKE THE HIGH MORAL GROUND.

LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.

IF DANNY WERE TO HAND US A COUPLE OF STAFF JOBS,

DON'T YOU THINK HE'D WANT US AS CLIENTS?

YOU THINK HE'S GONNA FUCK US?

WE'LL KNOW HE'S FOR REAL

IF HE WANTS TO SIGN US.

[NO AUDIO]

WELL, I NEED TO KNOW WHAT YOU GUYS ARE GONNA DO.

AND THERE'S ONE MORE THING,

AND IF IT'S A PROBLEM, WE'LL SHAKE HANDS

AND GO OUR SEPARATE WAYS.

IF YOU GUYS TAKE THE JOBS,

I EXPECT TO BE YOUR AGENT.

WHAT'D I TELL YOU?

I KNOW. I KNOW. I KNOW.

LOOK, I KNOW YOU'RE STILL PISSED.

THIS ISN'T LIKE YOU.

SAY SOMETHING.

THE GUY IN THE CELL WITH ME

HAD A 13-INCH SHVONTZ.

OH, MY GOD.

NO, YOU IDIOT.

HE WAS THE GUY IN THE TOWER

AT THE CHATEAU MARMONT TONIGHT.

NO. YES.

THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.

UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE.

OH, MY GOD. SO, WHAT HAPPENED?

OK, YOU READY FOR THIS?

BIG BOY LEAVES HIS GIRLFRIEND ON THE BALCONY

WITH THIS FAG ENGLISHMAN,

TAKES THE FAG ENGLISHMAN'S BLACK AMAZON GIRLFRIEND UP TO THE TOWER

TO SHOW OFF THE ARTILLERY PIECE.

HOLD ON. HOLD ON.

THE ENGLISHMAN IS GAY, BUT HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND?

A SHEMALE, YOU KNOW? TRANSSEXUAL?

AND GET THIS... ITS NAME IS CHAMPAGNE.

CHAMPAGNE? CHAMPAGNE.

OH, GOD.

SO HE'S PUSHIN' AND PUSHIN',

AND THEY'RE LEANIN' UP AGAINST THE LIGHT SWITCH.

PRETTY SOON THE FAG ENGLISHMAN SHOWS UP,

GOES BAT-SHIT NUTS.

[DRAMATICALLY] "CHAMPAGNE, YOU HAVE BETRAYED ME!"

OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD!

I HOPE THIS IS A 10:00 SHOW.

Brian: THAT'S YOUR STORY?

Woman: THAT'S MY STORY.

SOUNDS LIKE ANOTHER BAD TV EPISODE.

YOU'RE JUST BEING TOO MUCH OF A PERFECTIONIST.

WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK

YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THE PROCESS.

REALLY?

WHERE YOU GOIN'?

LOOK, YOU ASKED ME WHAT HAPPENED.

I TOLD YOU.

IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT,

THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT.

BUT I WANT YOU TO STAY.

AND YOU'LL BEHAVE?

OK.

OK, MAYBE I'M NOT A WRITER,

BUT IT SEEMS TO ME THE PROBLEM IS

THAT YOU'RE MISSING THE MAIN CHARACTER.

WHAT MAIN CHARACTER?

THE MAIN CHARACTER ISN'T SOMEBODY OVER THERE.

IT'S SOMEBODY HERE WHO SAW SOMETHING

AND CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT

AND IT'S DRIVING HIM CRAZY.

TELEVISION IS NO PLACE FOR LITERARY SELF-PORTRAIT.

BULLSHIT.

DO YOU EVER ACTUALLY WATCH TELEVISION?

DO YOU?

SOMETIMES.

FUCK TELEVISION.

WHAT WOULD HITCHCOCK DO?

YOU'RE MY MUSE.

OBVIOUSLY, THERE'S NO TV SHOW IN THIS,

BUT IT GIVES US A HUGE STRATEGIC ADVANTAGE

OVER THOSE 2 SHITHEADS.

ALL RIGHT, WE GOTTA COME UP WITH A STORY FOR BRIAN.

HE STILL NEEDS A STORY.

WE'LL HAVE HIS UNDIVIDED ATTENTION,

BUT WE GOTTA COME UP WITH A STORY.

BEFORE WE START...

WE GOTTA TALK ABOUT OUR PROBLEM.

IT'S BEEN IN THE ROOM STARING AT US EVERY DAY,

LIKE A--LIKE A GOITER.

ALL RIGHT... YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT THIS?

FINE.

WHAT YOU DID SUCKED.

WE WERE PARTNERS FOR 8 YEARS.

YOU CHOSE TO FUCK THAT UP.

SO EVEN IF WE DO WORK TOGETHER,

LET'S FACE IT,

IT'S NOT GONNA BE LIKE IT WAS BEFORE.

I'M SORRY THAT YOU FEEL THIS WAY,

BUT IT'S NORMAL FOR A GROWN MAN TO BE MARRIED.

WHAT?

NOT EVERYBODY WANTS TO SPEND THANKSGIVING

AT THE TRACK.

IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK THIS IS ABOUT?

WELL, DON'T MAKE THIS ABOUT THE MURDER, SHE WROTE,

BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT THAT UNTIL TONIGHT.

YOU'VE BEEN PICKIN' ON ME

EVER SINCE I GOT HOME FROM MY HONEYMOON.

ADMIT IT. YOU HATE MY WIFE.

OH, REALITY CHECK, BENNY.

EVERYBODY HATES YOUR WIFE.

YOU REALLY DON'T KNOW THAT I KNOW, DO YOU?

KNOW WHAT?

AT YOUR BACHELOR PARTY--

A PARTY THAT I SOMEWHAT HELPED TO ORGANIZE--

WHILE EVERYONE'S UP FRONT WITH THE GIRLS,

YOU'RE IN THE BACK ROOM WITH THAT COCKSUCKER FINGERMAN

STABBING ME IN THE BACK.

FANTASY BASEBALL?

FINGERMAN WAS THE ONLY ONE

WHO HAD A CHANCE TO OVERTAKE ME.

HE NEEDED ONE MORE BIG STICK,

YOU MADE SURE HE GOT GRIFFEY.

YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT A FUCKING ROTISSERIE LEAGUE, IRA.

NO. YOU'RE WRONG.

LOOK, THERE'S ONE THING IN LIFE THAT I'M GOOD AT.

FOR 4 STRAIGHT YEARS I DOMINATED THAT LEAGUE.

THAT BOTHERED YOU, DIDN'T IT?

BOTHERED YOU ENOUGH TO TRY AND RUIN IT FOR ME.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

I SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE IT, BUT...

IRA, I-- I GOTTA TELL YA...

WHEN THINGS AREN'T GOING YOUR WAY,

YOU'RE KIND OF AN ASSHOLE.

AND WHEN THINGS AREGOING YOUR WAY,

YOU'RE A HUGE ASSHOLE.

IT'S AMADEUS. WHAT?

THE GUY IN THE CELL, ME, IT'S AMADEUS.

A GIFTED MAN DESTROYED BY THREATENED, JEALOUS MEDIOCRITY--

THAT'S WHAT BRIAN SAW.

THAT'S THE THEME OF THE STORY!

WHAT ABOUT THE GUY WITH THE SCHLONG?

AH...WE'LL MAKE HIM SOME KIND OF ODDBALL GENIUS

LIKE...LIKE RAIN MAN, ONLY NOT RETARDED.

NO. NOT A GENIUS. TELEKINETIC.

THE GUY IS TELEKINETIC.

BUT IT'S SOMETHING THAT'S PASSED DOWN

GENETICALLY, LIKE SCHIZOPHRENIA.

I DON'T THINK SCHIZOPHRENIA

CAN BE PASSED DOWN GENETICALLY.

NO, NO, NO, NO. THE POWER, IT'S PASSED DOWN GENETICALLY,

BUT IT SKIPS GENERATIONS.

IT'S--IT'S--IT'S THIS RECESSIVE GENE

THAT--THAT'S ONLY FOUND IN THIS ONE FAMILY.

RIGHT, RIGHT, OK, OK.

WE'RE AT THIS FAMILY REUNION--

NO, LIKE, UH, IT'S AT A CHRISTENING,

OR A BRIS WITH A BABY--

A NEW BABY COMES INTO THIS OLD-LINE FAMILY

IN SAN FRANCISCO.PITTSBURGH.

NO, NO, NO. SAN FRANCISCO,

AND THERE THIS BIG HOUSE ON NOB HILL

AND A MATRIARCH-- UH, A RESPECTED, POWERFUL--

STANWYCK IN THE BIG VALLEY.

I'M TELLING YA, THIS IS TOO GOOD FOR BRIAN.

WHERE'S THE FUCKIN' CAB?

I RODE ON ONE ONCE.

Brian: WHAT IF THE GUY WATCHING IS A PRIEST?

OH, YEAH...YEAH. THAT'S GOOD.

THE PRIEST DOESN'T REPORT IT RIGHT AWAY,

'CAUSE HE'S NOT SURE WHAT HE'S SEEING.

YEAH.

IF HE SAYS ANYTHING TO THE COPS,

HE'LL JUST SOUND LIKE THE VOYEUR HE REALLY IS.

THE GUY WHO COMMITS THE MURDER [GASPS] HE CONFESSES [GASPS]

TO A PRIEST. [GASPS]

WHAT?

ISN'T THAT A KIND OF A REACH?

THAT HE HAPPENS TO CONFESS

TO THE ONLY WITNESS TO THE CRIME?

[MOANING]

OHH, NOT IF--[PANTING]

NOT IF THE PRIEST

IS THE ONLY WITNESS THAT HE CONFESSES TO THE GUY

TO SHUT HIM UP.

OHH! JESUS!

CHRIST! YOU'RE INCREDIBLE!

Neal: THANK YOU.

THANKS. YOU KNOW, THAT'S MY BMW OUT THERE.

DID YOU-- DID YOU SEE THAT?

ALL RIGHT, OK, UH...

ALL RIGHT, SECOND SEASON OF OUTER LIMITS,RIGHT?

THERE'S THE ONE WITH THE GIANT ANTS,

AND THEY ALL HAVE FACES LIKE MARIO CUOMO.

YOU KNOW, I'M NOT MARRIED TO THIS NOTION,

BUT WHAT ABOUT SOMETHING THAT'S NOT BASED ON A TV SHOW?

ALL RIGHT, FINE.

TWILIGHT ZONE.

DEVIL EPISODE.

ALL RIGHT, IT'S A DARK, RAINY NIGHT,

THE GUY PULLS INTO A MONASTERY,

THE MONKS, THEY'VE GOT THIS GUY PRISONER, RIGHT?

AND HE TURNS OUT-- HE'S THE DEVIL,

BUT THE GUY LETS THE PRISONER GO,

AND HE'S GOTTA SPEND THE REST OF HIS LIFE

TRYING TO RECAPTURE THE DEVIL.

IF WE'RE GOING TO RIP SOMETHING OFF,

LET'S AT LEAST RIP OFF A FEATURE, FOR CHRIST'S SAKES.

FINE. FINE. EVEN BETTER.

UH...MAYBE SOMETHING FRENCH, HUH?

WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE WE'LL GET FOR SUPERVISING PRODUCER?

WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT IS?

15K A SHOW.

REALLY? TIMES 20.

YOU GOTTA FIGURE WE'LL DO AT LEAST 3 SCRIPTS EACH.

THAT'S LIKE ANOTHER 70K RIGHT THERE.

WHAT ABOUT THIS DEVIL IDEA?

HUH?

D-D-DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE OFFICES ARE?

I--I--I HEARD THEY MIGHT BE IN THE SAME BUILDING AS SPELLING,

WHICH'D BE GOOD BECAUSE THAT MEANS WE COULD HAVE LUNCH

AT MARIE CALLENDER'S.

WHAT? IT'S THE GOOD ONE. THE ONE ON WILSHIRE.

WILL YOU TRY TO FOCUS?

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, UM...

OK, UH, THE LAST DETAIL, BUT IN SPACE.

DANNY SAID NO STRAIGHT SCI-FI.

ALL RIGHT, THE LAST DETAIL IN THE WASTELAND.

THE LAST DETAIL MEETS MAD MAX?

DEPRESSING. SUCKS.

HOW ARE YOU GONNA DUMP YOUR AGENT?

I THINK I'LL JUST HAVE MY LAWYER FAX HER.

THAT IS BRUTAL.

YEAH, I KNOW.

HA HA HA HA. HA HA HA HA HA.

YOU'RE GOOD. YOU'RE GOOD.

I--I GOT STUFF TO LEARN.

HA HA HA.

CAN WE HAVE SOME COFFEE HERE?

Woman: AND THEN...

AND THEN...

AND THEN THEY CHANGE PLACES.

[BRIAN'S VOICE MUFFLED]

WHAT?

WHO'S CHANGED PLACES?

THE KILLER AND THE PRIEST.

OHH.

THEY'RE DOPPELGANGERS.

AND AT THE END,

THE PRIEST IS IN HIS BEDROOM.

HE'S BACK AT THE RECTORY,

SITTING IN A CHAIR...

LOOKING OUT THE W-WINDOW...

ONLY IT'S NOT THE PRIEST.

IT'S THE KILLER WEARING THE PRIEST'S VESTMENTS.

HE--

[SIGHS IN EXASPERATION]

WHAT DID YOU STOP FOR?

WE WERE DOING SO GOOD THIS TIME.

WE WERE DOING GOOD, WEREN'T WE?

WE WERE DOING GREAT. GREAT STORY.

SO...GET BACK DOWN THERE.

WELL, THAT'S ONE STORY.

I'LL BE A DEAD MAN

IF I HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS 22 TIMES.

WELL, THANKS A LOT.

I--I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT. OH.

YOU'RE FANTASTIC, BUT...

LET'S FACE IT. WE'RE INVOLVED BECAUSE IT'S FILLING A NEED.

I NEED TO BE OVERSTIMULATED TO BE CREATIVE.

THAT'S ALWAYS BEEN MY PROBLEM.

I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

IT'S JUST US, AND IT'S GOOD.

THIS TIME. BUT YOU'RE ONLY ONE STORY.

BY EPISODE 6, WE'LL DO A STORY ABOUT DOPE DEALERS

OR SATANISTS, AND I'LL BE DISCOVERED DOWN AN ALLEY

WITH A NEEDLE IN MY ARM OR FUCKING A GOAT.

I'M NEVER GONNA MAKE IT.

OK, OK.

WELL, LOOK, I THINK WE'VE DONE ENOUGH FOR ONE NIGHT.

LOOK, YOU TAKE AN ATIVAN, GET A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP,

AND WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING,

YOU'LL WRITE OUR STORY,

AND EVERYTHING'S GONNA LOOK A WHOLE LOT SUNNIER.

[SIGHS]

Benny: THE OLD LADY PUSHES INTO THE ROOM WITH HER WALKER, OK?

AND THE WHOLE FAMILY PARTS, SO THAT SHE CAN VIEW THE KID.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. WHEN SHE LEANS OVER THE KID,

WE'LL PING-PONG CLOSEUPS.

THE OLD LADY SEES SOMETHING IN THE KID'S EYES.

OK, ALL RIGHT, AND SHE TURNS TO THE FAMILY

AND SHE ASKS THEM TO PART

SO THAT SHE CAN, YOU KNOW, HAVE SOME ROOM,

AND SHE REACHES IN, AND SHE PULLS OUT A, UH...

MARBLE.

A TOOTH.

SHARK'S TOOTH.

A BEAR'S TOOTH.

Both: A WOLF'S TOOTH.

OK, SHE PUTS THE TOOTH DOWN IN THE CRIB,

AND WHAM! IT GOES FLYING INTO THE KID'S HAND.

THE KID HAS THE POWER.

THE KID HAS THE POWER, THE OLD LADY HAS THE POWER.

OH, JEEZ.

YOU KNOW THEY'LL TRY TO MAKE US

SHARE AN ASSISTANT, DON'T YOU?

FUCK THAT NOISE.

WE'LL EACH GET OUR OWN ASSISTANT.

MM-HMM.

ABOUT THIS DEVIL IDEA... WHAT IF...

WE...

YOU KNOW, I COULD GET CAR INSURANCE NOW.

I COULD, UH...

HOW 'BOUT THIS...

WE'RE OUT IN THE DESERT.

MM-HMM-- UH, WASTELAND.

WILL YOU FORGET ABOUT THE WASTELAND ALREADY?

WE'RE IN A DESERT.

NO. WE OPEN UP ON A BLACK SCREEN.

SCRATCH THAT. WE'RE IN THE DESERT.

DEATH VALLEY. NOTHING MOVES.

A COUPLE OF VULTURES WORK ON SOME BARE BONES.

SUDDENLY, [SNAPS] VULTURES LOOK UP.

SOMETHING IS IN THE AIR.

A GOPHER STICKS ITS HEAD OUT OF ITS HOLE.

A FEW FEET AWAY, A CRACK DEVELOPS

IN THE HARD-BAKED SURFACE.

SOMETHING IS PUSHING AT THE GROUND FROM UNDERNEATH

LIKE A CHICK TRYING TO GET OUT OF ITS SHELL.

OK.

THE VULTURES TAKE OFF,

AND THE GOLFER--

"GOLFER"? WHAT--WHY IS--

WHY IS THERE A GOLFER? GOPHER.

GOPHER. GOPHER.

JUMPS OUT OF ITS HOLE AND RUNS AWAY.

THE GROUND CRACKS OPEN JUST ENOUGH

FOR AN INCREDIBLY GROTESQUE...

GNARLED, INHUMAN HAND TO PUSH THROUGH.

AS THE SUNLIGHT HITS THE HAND,

IT SUDDENLY UNGNARLS AND MORPHS INTO A NORMAL MAN'S HAND.

NO, THAT'S EXPENSIVE.

NO, NO, NO. I KNOW THIS GUY JUST OPEN UP A DIGITAL HOUSE OVER ON SEWARD.

THEY CAN DO IT ALL ON A FUCKIN' MACINTOSH.

ALL RIGHT, FINE, OK, GO AHEAD.

AFTER--AFTER THE HAND, THIS LITTLE YODA HEAD,

AND THEN THE REST OF THE BODY COMES OUT,

AND THIS THING MORPHS INTO--

HARRY HAMLIN. HUH?

HARRY HAMLIN. FINE.

SO THEN HARRY...

HAMLIN...

STANDS UP, STRETCHES, TAKES A DEEP BREATH,

TURNS AROUND, AND SEES...

THE LAS VEGAS STRIP BEHIND HIM.

HE'S THE DEVIL.HE'S THE DEVIL.

HE'S JUST ESCAPED FROM HELL. UH-HUH.

THERE'S THE WHOLE FLIP-FLOP ON THE TWILIGHT ZONESHOW.

I GET IT, NO, I GET IT. I GET IT!

OF COURSE! "ESCAPE FROM HELL."

THAT'S OUR STORY.

THAT IS OUR FUCKIN' STORY!

[CAR ALARM]WHAT'D YOU DO?

COOL THAT, MAN. CUT THAT OUT.

TURN IT OFF.

CUT TO: A PAGODA IN THE HIGHLANDS OF EAST FUCKING TIMOR.

AMERICAN GUY, EARLY 30s.

LIVES WITH THE MONKS. VOW OF SILENCE, JUST PRAYS,

EATS RICE BALLS AND CHICKEN FAT SANDWICHES.

THERE'S A PHONE CALL.

HE GOES OVER, HE REACHES DOWN--

HOLD ON, HOLD ON, HOLD ON, HOLD ON.

IF THE MONKS HAVE TAKEN A VOW OF SILENCE,

WHY DO THEY HAVE A TELEPHONE?

A CARRIER PIGEON FLIES UP HIS ASS, OK?

HE GETS A MESSAGE FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER

IN PITTSBURGH.

SHE TELLS HIM THAT ANOTHER ONE WITH THE POWER,

ANOTHER ONE LIKE THEM, HAS BEEN BORN.

[CHUCKLES] OH, BROTHER.

EXCUSE ME?

I DON'T BELIEVE I GOT YOUR CREDITS.

OH, YOU HAVE CREDITS?

BETWEEN US, WE HAVE 19 PRODUCED TELEVISION CREDITS.

OH.

WELL, THAT EXPLAINS IT.

THAT EXPLAINS WHAT?

THAT EXPLAINS TELEVISION.

I SUPPOSE YOU DON'T WATCH TELEVISION.

NO, I DON'T. I PREFER MOVIES.

YEAH, WELL, YOU'RE RIDIN' THE FUCKIN' BUS.

Woman: WHAT ARE YOU DOING, DRIVING IT?

HA HA HA HA HA!

THAT'S A GOOD ONE, LYNN!

Driver: HA HA HA!

WE'RE GONNA GO GET MY CAR.

ALL RIGHT.

SEE, 'CAUSE I THOUGHT DENNIS HOPPER MAYBE PUT YOU GUYS ON BOARD

AND THEN WHEN ONE OF YOU GETS AN IDEA,

THE BUS EXPLODES.

HA HA HA HA HA!

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE IDEA?

[SIGHS] SERIOUSLY?

SERIOUSLY.

WELL, FIRST OF ALL, ALL RIGHT,

YOU DO HAVE THIS NICE LITTLE STORY

ABOUT THIS DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY, FINE,

BUT THEN WHY TART IT UP WITH THIS--THIS TELEKINESIS THING?

GO WITH WHAT IS ESSENTIAL.

THE OUTSIDER WITHIN THE FAMILY, SEE.

YOU KNOW, FIND THE ANTAGONIST

WITHIN THAT SITUATION. THEN...

THE OLD WOMAN.

IT'S THE OLD WOMAN. THE OLD WOMAN--

SHE ABUSED THE HERO, AND THAT'S WHY HE'S SO FUCKED UP,

AND NOW THIS BABY IS BORN,

AND HE KNOWS THAT SHE IS GOING TO DO

THE SAME THING TO HIM,

AND THAT IS WHY HE HAS TO COME BACK.

WELL, THERE YOU GO.

CAN I ASK YOU WHAT YOU DO FOR A LIVING?

UM, WELL, I HAPPEN TO BE

ONE OF THE HIGHEST-PAID SCRIPT READERS IN THE BUSINESS.

I CAN COVER 5 OF THESE IN ONE NIGHT.

I'M AN INSOMNIAC.

SO SOME POOR SCHMUCK IS SITTING HOME

THINKING THAT HE'S ONE YES AWAY FROM SELLING A SCRIPT,

AND IT'S YOUR JOB TO BLOW HIM OUT OF THE WATER.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I SHOULD GET COMBAT PAY

FOR WADING THROUGH THIS CRAP. THAT'S WHAT IT IS.

HEY, HEY, HEY!

IRA, TAKE IT EASY!

IT'S ALL RIGHT, CLAUDE, IT'S ALL RIGHT.

LOOK, IF I DON'T DO IT, SOMEBODY ELSE WILL.

NAZI.

OH, GOOD. GOOD FOR YOU.

SUNSET BOULEVARD.

WHERE THE HELL ARE WE?

EXCUSE ME.

WHERE ARE WE?

SUNSET BOULEVARD.

[MEXICAN MUSIC PLAYING]

IT'S GUATEMALA.

IT'S ECHO PARK.

UH, DO YOU GO BACK THE OTHER WAY?

EVENTUALLY.

WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?

I MEAN, I GO DOWNTOWN,

I GO TO UNION STATION,

SEVENTH AND ALVARADO,

AND THEN I COME BACK SUNSET THE OTHER WAY.

AND HOW LONG TILL YOU GET UP TO THE STRIP?

'BOUT AN HOUR AND A HALF.

COULD YOU FRESHEN THESE UP FOR US, PLEASE?

YEAH. THANKS VERY MUCH.

[SIGHS]

HE CAN'T BE THE DEVIL.

RIGHT.

WHY?

WELL, WHY WOULD THE DEVIL HAVE TO ESCAPE FROM HELL?

IF YOU'RE ESCAPING FROM HELL,

YOU'RE ESCAPING FROM THE DEVIL.

OK, WELL, IT'S NOT THE DEVIL, ALL RIGHT?

HE'S JUST A GUY, RIGHT. HE WAS A ROGUE, YOU KNOW?

IN A PREVIOUS LIFE, HE WAS A BAD GUY, A CRIMINAL.

AN ESCAPE ARTIST.

YEAH! NO, THAT'D BE GREAT.

HE'S LIKE THE WORLD'S GREATEST ESCAPE ARTIST.

THAT'S IT!

I--YOU KNOW? DURING HIS LIFE,

NO JAIL COULD HOLD HIM.

OR DURING HIS DEATH.

UH-HUH. YOU SEE THERE?

NO, THAT'S GREAT. THAT'S GOOD.

YEAH, HERE WE GO.

HERE WE GO. THERE IT IS, YEAH.

MMM.

UH-OH. WHAT?

WASN'T HUDSON HAWK THE WORLD'S GREATEST ESCAPE ARTIST?

FUCK. SHIT!

FUCK. SHIT!

FUCK! NO!

NO, HUDSON HAWK WAS THE WORLD'S GREATEST CAT BURGLAR.

WELL, THAT'S NOT THE SAME THING.

NO, THAT'S DIFFERENT.

WHEW.

[BOTH CHORTLE]

THAT WAS CLOSE.

I KNOW, BUT WE GOT IT BACK, THOUGH.

GOTTA PEE. MM-HMM.

I'LL KEEP WORKIN'.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[RING]

YEAH?

HEY, DANNY, IT'S NEAL.

HOW'S IT GOING, NEAL?

UH, IT'S GOING PRETTY GOOD, I THINK, YOU KNOW?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU THINK?

WELL, YOU KNOW, WE'VE GOT A...

WE HAVE A STORY, YOU KNOW. IT'S JUST, UH...

SPIT IT OUT, NEAL. IT'S BEEN A ROUGH NIGHT.

WELL, I THINK HANK IS GREAT.

YOU KNOW THAT. I THINK HE'S TERRIFIC.

YOU KNOW, HE'S GOT A LOT OF GREAT IDEAS, UM...

AND I THINK WE CAN REALLY WORK WELL

TOGETHER ON THE SHOW.

Danny: NEAL.

ALL RIGHT, LOOK, I'M JUST A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE

WITH US BOTH BEING SUPERVISING PRODUCERS, YOU KNOW?

IT'S SORT OF-- IT STARTS TO LOOK LIKE WE'RE--

YOU KNOW, LIKE PARTNERS.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH BEING PARTNERS, NEAL?

MAYBE IT'LL DO YOU BOTH SOME GOOD.

WELL, I--I JUST, YOU KNOW,

I'VE ALWAYS LIKED TO WORK ALONE,

AND YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY

ABOUT WRITING PARTNERSHIPS.

YEAH, I KNOW, IT'S LIKE 2 GUYS FUCKING THE SAME DOG.

LISTEN, NEAL, ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS

GET A TEASER, 4 ACTS, WRITE OUT THE BEATS,

AND WE'LL WORRY ABOUT THE CREDITS LATER.

OK, YOU KNOW, I DON'T WANT TO TAKE ANYTHING

AWAY FROM HANK, YOU KNOW?

I SAID I THINK HE'S GREAT, YOU KNOW?

AND THE DRUG THING DOESN'T WORRY ME.

I JUST SORT OF FEEL LIKE IF HE'S SUPERVISING PRODUCER

I SHOULD AT LEAST BE CO-EXEC.

HOLD ON.

JENNIFER?

IT'S HANK.

HANK. HANK, I THOUGHT YOU WERE WITH NEAL.

WELL, THAT'S WHAT I'M CALLING ABOUT: NEAL.

HANK, I'VE GOT A CLIENT ON THE LINE

ON LOCATION IN HAWAII.

HE'S ABOUT TO LEAVE THE SET. HOLD ON.

NEAL? MM-HMM?

I'VE GOT A CLIENT ON THE LINE FROM VERMONT.

HE'S JUST ARRIVING TO THE SET,

AND HE'S GOT A CASE OF TSURIS.HOLD ON.

ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM WITH NEAL?

WELL, THERE'S NO PROBLEM.

HE'S BEEN A BIG HELP.

BUT YOU HAVE A PROBLEM SHARING THE SAME CREDIT, RIGHT?

WELL, I DON'T THINK HE'S EVER BEEN MORE THAN STORY EDITOR.

HANG ON.

NEAL, WHAT'S THE BIGGEST STAFF JOB YOU EVER HAD?

EXECUTIVE STORY CONSULTANT ON MONKEY'S UP.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK HANK'S EVER BEEN

ANYTHING MORE THAN, LIKE, STORY EDITOR.

HOLD ON. WHAT ABOUT YOU?

CO-PRODUCER ON THE RECTIFIER.

HANG ON.

Danny: OK, HANK, HERE'S THE DEAL:

YOU GET SUPERVISING, PLUS 5K MORE A WEEK,

NEAL GETS STRAIGHT PRODUCER,

WE'LL TELL HIM IT'S THE SAME MONEY.

IT'S OUR LITTLE SECRET.

I THINK THAT'S FAIR.

[BEEP]

Danny: ALL RIGHT, NEAL, BUT THIS IS GONNA BE OUR LITTLE SECRET.

DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S FAIR?

YEAH, IT'S FAIR. NOW GO TO WORK.

GO TO WORK, HANK.

"CLIENT OF MINE..."

DON'T YOU EVEN SPEAK TO ME.

I HAVE NO BURNING DESIRE TO SPEAK TO YOU.

OH, FUCK!

MY LAPTOP.

Neal: HUH?

WHERE ARE MY CAR KEYS?

[CAR ALARM CHIRPS OFF]

FUCK!

AHH...

Man: THIS IS DR. JERRY APPLEFIELD'S

CURRENT PATIENT LINE.

REFERRALS SHOULD--

HELLO?

JERRY? BRIAN.

I JUST CAN'T DO IT.

BRIAN, HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU?

IN ORDER TO HAVE SOMETHING,

YOU MUST FIRST STOP WANTING IT.

Ira: ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT. I SAY WE HITCH.

Benny: YOU KNOW, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN FASTER

IF WE STAYED ON THE BUS.

I'D BE BACK IN JAIL.

YOU KNOW, MAYBE IT'S NOT SUCH A BAD IDEA,

YOU HAVE THE OLD LADY BE THE BAD GUY, HUH?

JUST KEEP WALKING.

[MUTTERS]

BANG-ZOOM.

Hank: KARMA.

Neal: COME AGAIN? I DIDN'T HEAR YOU THE FIRST 15 TIMES.

BUT YOU KNOW SOMETHING?

THIS DIDN'T HAPPEN BECAUSE WE WERE IN THOSE PHONE BOOTHS

CUTTING EACH OTHER'S THROATS.

YEAH, IT DID, AND YOU KNOW IT,

AND IF KARMA DOES EXIST,

THEN THAT ASSHOLE WILL RUN DANNY OVER IN MY CAR.

I THINK THAT WHEN WE AGREED TO DO THIS BEHIND BRIAN'S BACK,

WE ESTABLISHED DUPLICITY AS A GROUND RULE.

DANNY WAS SCREWING US.

HOW COULD WE NOT EVENTUALLY TRY TO SCREW EACH OTHER?

YEAH, WELL, IT DIDN'T TAKE US VERY LONG, THOUGH, DID IT?

THERE IS A WAY TO MAKE IT RIGHT.

YEAH, DO WE HAVE TO KILL A CHICKEN?

WHEN WE GET TO BRIAN'S HOUSE,

WE WAKE HIM UP, SIT HIM DOWN,

AND TELL HIM WHAT WE TRIED TO DO.

OH, YEAH, THAT SHOULD CALM THE WATERS.

HEY, PAL, WHEN YOU WERE HAVING YOUR NERVOUS BREAKDOWN,

HANK AND I TRIED TO FUCK YOU IN THE ASS.

AND THEN WE GIVE HIM "ESCAPE FROM HELL."

LET HIM SAY IT'S HIS.

IT'LL SOLVE HIS PROBLEM.

TEMPORARILY.

IT'S AN ACT OF CONTRITION.

IT'LL PUT US RIGHT WITH THE LORD.

AND WHO KNOWS?

MAYBE HE'LL GET HIS SHIT TOGETHER

AND WIND UP RUNNING THE SHOW AFTER ALL.

AND WE WAIT TILL THEN TO TELL HIM ABOUT DANNY.

AND WE FUCK DANNY, AND THE KARMA WHEEL COMES FULL-CIRCLE.

UH-HUH, UH-HUH. SEE WHAT I'M SAYING?

I'M WITH YOU. VERY ZEN.

[BANGING]

[BANGING CONTINUES]

[BRIAN GROANS]

Brian: IT'S NEVER GONNA WORK!

IT'S NEVER GONNA WORK!

HONEY, COME ON.

STOP THAT.

AAH!

NO. COME HERE. STOP THAT.

[SOBS] IT'S NEVER GONNA WORK.

IT'S NEVER GONNA WORK.

COME ON, YOU'RE GONNA HURT YOURSELF.

NEVER GONNA WORK.

IT'S FINE. IT'S OK.

I'M HERE.

IT'S NEVER GONNA WORK.

NO, NO, NO, NO.

IT'S FINE.

IT'S FINE.

IT'S OK.

NO, NO, NO, NO. IT'S FINE.

IT'S FINE.

COME ON, NOW. YOU'RE EXHAUSTED, BRIAN,

AND YOU JUST NEED TO SLEEP.

I'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU.

[GROANS]

JUST GET UNDER THE COVERS, BRIAN.

I'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU.

YOU CAN'T TAKE CARE OF ME.

OH, I'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU. JUST SLEEP.

SORRY.

[SIGHS]

SHIT.

[KNOCK KNOCK]

[KNOCK KNOCK]

[KNOCK KNOCK]

YES?

WHERE'S BRIAN?

WHO ARE YOU?

WE'RE BRIAN'S FRIENDS. WHO ARE YOU?

I'M BRIAN'S GIRLFRIEND.

YOU'RE MIRANDA?

YES.

OH.

I'M BENNY KANOPKA.

THIS IS IRA GOLD-- KANOPKA-GOLD.

NICE TO MEET YOU.

LISTEN, WE NEED TO SEE BRIAN.

UH, I'M AFRAID THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE NOW.

YOU SEE, BRIAN SPENT THE NIGHT IN THE EMERGENCY HOSPITAL,

AND, UM, HE'S RESTING NOW.

EMERGENCY HOSPITAL?

WHAT HAPPENED?

HOW WELL DID YOU SAY YOU KNEW BRIAN?

STRESS, HUH?

THEY HAD TO SHOOT HIM UP WITH THORAZINE.

HOW TERRIBLE.

I JUST WONDER.

THE THING THAT SEEMED TO SET HIM OFF LAST NIGHT--

HE THOUGHT HE SAW SOMETHING OVER AT THE HOTEL.

HE WAS DESPERATE TO FIND OUT WHAT IT WAS.

HE WANTS TO TURN IT INTO A STORY.

SEE, THE THING IS,

WE KNOW WHAT HAPPENED AT THE HOTEL.

THAT'S VERY SWEET OF YOU,

BUT THE DOCTOR SAID THE LAST THING BRIAN NEEDS RIGHT NOW

IS TO START THINKING ABOUT WORK AGAIN.

SO I WILL LET HIM KNOW YOU CAME BY. SO LONG.

HEY--HEY!

Benny: I HOPE HE'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

FUCK HIM. WE'LL NAIL HIM LATER.

LET'S GET A CHEESEBURGER.

HOW COULD YOU GET A CHEESEBURGER NOW?

OH, BOY.

OH, LOOK AT THIS.

SHIT.

GOT OUT OK?

NO. I WAS KILLED

IN A CELL BLOCK RIOT.

WHAT'S UP WITH BRIAN? IS EVERYTHING OK?

NOT EXACTLY.

HE CAN'T SEE ANYONE RIGHT NOW.

HMM.

[FOOTSTEPS]

[CLATTER]

[SHOUTING]

BRIAN?

OH, MY GOD! JESUS.

BRIAN! JESUS!

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?

[SOBBING]

HOW COULD YOU DO SUCH A THING?

I TOLD YOU I WAS GONNA TAKE CARE OF YOU.

I'M GONNA TAKE CARE OF YOU.

FOR GOD SAKES.

[SIGHING]

COME ON.

[SIGHS]

AH, JESUS, THAT IS FUCKING AWFUL.

YEAH, WELL, CAN WE SEE HIM?

NO. NOT FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS.

WE TALKED TO THE DOCTOR OURSELVES.

HE'S ALL RIGHT. THE GIRLFRIEND'S WITH HIM.

OH, THE G-- WHAT GIRLFRIEND?

YOU DON'T KNOW BRIAN'S GIRLFRIEND?

WE DO. LOVELY GIRL.

AH. WELL, IF IT'S ALL THE SAME TO YOU, IF SHE'S STILL UP THERE,

WE'D LIKE TO TALK TO HER.

YOU WANT TO TALK TO HER?

YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK TO BRIAN, HUH?

SO WHAT IF WE DO?

[ARGUING]

Benny: YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED UP THERE. STAY BACK.

I'M NOT FUCKING WITH YOU, MAN.

I'M NOT BULLSHITTING. NOW, STAY--OW!

Hank: JUST LET ME TALK TO-- DON'T TOUCH ME.

Ira: I'M GONNA SMACK YOU. I'M GONNA SMACK YOU HARD.

ARE YOU LAYING HANDS ON ME?

[ARGUING CONTINUES]

JEEZ.

ALL RIGHT. OK.

ALL RIGHT. FUCK IT. LET'S GO. COME ON.

HEY! HEY! HEY!

HEY, COME HERE! COME HERE!

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT!

ALL RIGHT, TIME-OUT, TIME-OUT.

COME ON. THIS IS IDIOTIC.

LET'S BE UP-FRONT WITH EACH OTHER.

TELL HIM, NEAL.

WE'VE GOT A STORY FOR HIM.

WELL, WE GOT A STORY, TOO.

BUT THE DOCTOR SAID NO STORIES TODAY!

WE'RE NOT BULLSHITTING YOU.

HE'S IN BAD SHAPE.

WELL, WHY ARE YOU KEEPING US FROM HIM?

WE'RE NOT KEEPING YOU FROM HIM.

WE'RE PROTECTING HIM FROM YOU!

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?!

MOTIVE.

AHA!

OH, WAIT A MINUTE.

DANNY.

DANNY CAME AFTER YOU GUYS, TOO, DIDN'T HE?

NO.

YOU GUYS BEEN TALKING TO DANNY?

OH, COME ON, IRA. COY REALLY IS NOT YOU.

OH, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? I'VE BEEN IN JAIL ALL NIGHT!

WHAT'D DANNY SAY?

IS IT ABOUT THE SHOW?

SHOW US A GIRLFRIEND AND BRIAN IN A PUDDLE

OF HIS OWN URINE, AND MAYBE WE'LL TELL YOU.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

WELL?

SHE'S IN THERE. WE JUST LEFT HER.

MAYBE SHE WENT BACK TO SLEEP.

SHE'S NOT ASLEEP.

WELL, THEN WHERE IS SHE?

MIRANDA? MIRANDA?

Ira: MIRANDA?

IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?

I'M GONNA CALL 911!

I'M IN THE SHOWER!

COULD YOU GUYS COME BACK LATER?

Ira: OH. OK, SORRY.

WE'RE LEAVING NOW...

ALL OF US.

[FOOTSTEPS]

[GLASS BREAKS, MEN GROAN]

OH...

WELL, WELL, LOOK WHAT YOU DID NOW.

YOU FUCKING IDIOT.

YOUPUSHED ME!

HE WAS TRYING TO HOLD YOU BACK.

WELL, HE LET GO.

SORRY, MIRANDA.

MIRANDA?

YEP, THAT'S MIRANDA.

Hank: WELL, SHE SURE WASN'T IN THE SHOWER, WAS SHE?

YEAH, AND HER NAME ISN'T MIRANDA.

YES, IT IS. SHE TOLD US.

WELL, HANK, WHAT DO YOU THINK

THESE THREE ARE TRYING TO PULL?

YOU'RE PARANOID.

MAYBE I'M PARANOID,

BUT HER NAME IS GEORGIA FECKLER.

AND SHE'S A WRITER.

SO THE FUCK WHAT.

ALL RIGHT, J-JUST TELL ME ONE THING. IS BRIAN OK?

YEAH.

NEAL, HOW DO YOU KNOW HER?

Neal: SHE CAME IN TO PITCH ON MONKEY'S UP.

YOU HAD A PARTNER BACK THEN-- A GUY WITH A GOATEE.

YEAH, WELL, NOW I DON'T.

WELL, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

HEY, WE'RE BRIAN'S-- UH, FRIENDS.

REALLY?

YEAH. AND RIGHT NOW

WE'RE GOING UPSTAIRS TO CHECK ON HIM.

NO, YOU'RE NOT.

OK...

IS BRIAN STILL ALIVE?

YEAH. NOW NO ONE TRY ANYTHING FUNNY.

ARE YOU SCREWING HIM?

HE HAPPENS TO KNOW MY WORK, ALL RIGHT? JESUS.

WHY'D YOU LET US THINK YOU WERE HIS GIRLFRIEND?

BRIAN WANTED TO TALK TO ME ABOUT A JOB ON THE NEW SHOW.

I KNEW THAT HE BLEW YOU OFF.

I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS, OK?

Men: BULLSHIT!

LOOK, 2 MINUTES AGO YOU'RE ALL AT EACH OTHER'S THROATS.

A MINUTE A WOMAN APPEARS, YOU'RE THE ROCKETTES.

HEY, SEX HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.

YOU LIED TO US. YOU WERE GONNA CUT US OUT.

WELL, I DIDN'T SEE MUCH CHANCE

OF GETTING INVITED TO THE POKER GAME, DID I, NEAL?

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

THE REASON YOU CUT US OFF ON THE MONKEY'S UPSTORY

IS BECAUSE I WOULDN'T PLAY BALL.

WELL, I HATE TO BREAK IT TO YOU, BUT THE REASON YOU GOT CUT OFF

WAS BECAUSE YOUR PARTNER WAS A PSYCHO.

HE ACTED THAT WAY 'CAUSE EVERYONE

ON YOUR WRITING STAFF KEPT HITTING ON ME.

I DID NOT HIT ON YOU.

OH, SO YOU WALK ALL THE FREELANCERS

OUT TO LOT "Z" AFTER THE STORY MEETINGS.

IT WAS DARK.

WHICH EXPLAINS WHY YOU CRACKED YOUR HEAD

ON MY CAR DOOR AFTER YOU MADE YOUR POUNCE.

JESUS. NEAL.

THAT IS WEAK.

YOU POUNCED ON HER? THAT'S SAD.

SHE IS LYING!

YOU GUYS ARE BEAUTIFUL. YOU'RE ALL FREAKED OUT

BECAUSE AFTER ALL YOUR CARD GAMES

AND YOUR COCKSUCKING, BRIAN WENT FOR ME.

ON MY MERITS.

HEY, WE DID A THIRTYSOMETHING.

WELL...

[SHOUTING, GUNSHOTS]

COME ON! I GOT HER!

OW...

HEY, BRIAN! HOLD HER!

AH...AH...

OH, MY HEAD!

JESUS.

OH, MAN.

[SIGHS]

Georgia: GO AWAY. I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE BRIAN ALONE.

HE'S MY RESPONSI--

BRIAN.

OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD.

"HOW DO I KNOW IT'S VALIUM"?

I KNOW IT'S VALIUM BECAUSE I'M HOLDING THE EMPTY BOTTLE

WITH YOUR FUCKING PHONE NUMBER ON IT.

I'M SORRY, DR. APPLEFIELD.

I--WELL, YEAH, HE'S BREATHING ALL RIGHT,

BUT HE'S COMPLETELY UNCONSCIOUS.

HE'S--HIS COLOR IS NOT GOOD AT ALL.

UH, HIS--HIS CHEST IS ALL GURGLY,

SOUNDS RATHER PHLEGMY.

AND, I MEAN, AS FAR AS I KNOW--

AND I DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT IT--

HE'S COMPLETELY COMATOSE.

I MEAN, THIS IS JUDY GARLAND TIME.

I CANNOT WAKE HIM UP.

Dr. Applefield: YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA BE ABLE

TO STAY WITH HIM FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS?

WELL, YEAH, SURE, BUT SHOULDN'T HE BE IN A HOSPITAL?

NO. I THINK I WAS ABLE TO GET

EVERYTHING OUT OF HIM WHEN I HAD HIM IN THE BATHROOM.

DOES HE NEED ANYTHING SPECIAL?

UH, YOU HAVE ANY GOOD IDEAS FOR A SCRIPT?

HOLLYWOOD SHRINK HUMOR.

HE'LL BE ALL RIGHT IN A COUPLE OF DAYS.

I'M AFRAID IT'S AN OCCUPATIONAL HAZARD WITH THESE GUYS.

IT'S A LOT OF PRESSURE.

YOU DON'T THINK HE'LL DO IT AGAIN.

OH, NO. HE DOESN'T WANT TO DIE.

HE JUST DOESN'T WANT TO WRITE.

I THINK WHEN HE REALIZES

THAT HE DOESN'T HAVE TO TAKE THIS JOB,

HE'S GOING TO START TO FEEL SOME-- SOME IMMEDIATE RELIEF.

ALL RIGHT. WELL, THANK YOU, DOCTOR.

I'LL TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING.

SO HOW'D YOU GET TO HIM, ANYWAY?

I HEARD ABOUT HIS DEAL 2 WEEKS AGO.

MM-HMM.

I KNEW SOMEBODY WHO KNEW SOMEBODY WHO USED TO DATE HIM.

THEY SAID HE DRINKS AT THE CHATEAU BAR.

I'D BEEN SITTING IN THAT SAME COCKTAIL DRESS

EVERY NIGHT FOR A WEEK.

HE THOUGHT I WAS THIS GIRL HE SAW ON THE BALCONY.

I WENT WITH IT.

HMM. WOMEN WHO SIT IN HOTEL LOBBIES IN COCKTAIL DRESSES

IN HOPES OF MAKING MONEY. GEE--

GO FUCK YOURSELF, HANK.

IRA, WELL, WHO THE HELL DID HE SEE UP THERE THEN?

IT WAS A GUY. HE HAD A 13-INCH-- AH, FORGET IT.

IT DOESN'T MATTER ANYHOW NOW.

ALL CONNECTION DISCONNECTED.

AH, WELL, HE'D BEEN DISCONNECTED ANYWAY.

NO, HE WASN'T. HE WOULD HAVE MADE IT.

THINK SO?

DANNY CAME TO US, OFFERED US GIGS.

HE NEEDED SOME MATERIAL TO STALL THE NETWORKS

UNTIL HE FOUND A REPLACEMENT FOR BRIAN.

YOU TURNED HIM DOWN?

WE'RE NOT THAT DESPERATE.

WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?

LATE LAST NIGHT.

AND YOU TOLD HIM NO LAST NIGHT?

YEAH.

THAT'S TOO BAD.

I MEAN, WE GAVE HIM THE IMPRESSION THAT WE WOULD, UH--

IN OTHER WORDS, YOU SAID YOU'D DO IT.

YES, BUT SUBSEQUENTLY

WE EMBRACED A NEW PHILOSOPHY.

SO DANNY THINKS YOU GUYS ARE STILL DOING THE SHOW?

GOOD. THAT'LL BUY US SOME TIME.

WHAT?

BRIAN'S DOING THE SHOW.

CAN SOMEBODY MAKE SOME COFFEE?

HA HA HA. HAVE YOU SEE HIM LATELY?

I DON'T THINK A CUP OF COFFEE'S GONNA DO THE TRICK.

IT'S FOR US, YOU IMBECILE.

NOW, YOU SAID YOU HAD A STORY FOR THE SHOW, RIGHT?

YEAH.

NOW, WHAT ABOUT YOU TWO? DID YOU MANAGE TO COME UP WITH ANYTHING

BEFORE YOU REALIZED DANNY WAS BULLSHITTING YOU?

YES. WE OPEN IN A DESERT. DEATH VALLEY.

WHATEVER. BRIAN'S DOING THE SHOW.

YOU'RE GONNA BE THE STAFF.

WHO YOU GONNA BE?

I'M GONNA BE BRIAN.

WHY DO YOU GET TO BE BRIAN?

OUTSIDE OF HIS SHRINK, WE'RE THE ONLY 5 PEOPLE

WHO KNOW EXACTLY WHAT KIND OF SHAPE BRIAN IS IN.

AND WE'RE ALL WRITERS.

SO WE FRONT FOR HIM.

EXACTLY. BRIAN HAS THIS INCREDIBLE OPPORTUNITY.

HE DOESN'T WANT TO DO IT. WE DO.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

WHY DO YOU GET TO BE BRIAN?

BECAUSE...

I'M BRIAN'S NEW PARTNER.

DOES BRIAN KNOWTHIS?

LET ME TAKE CARE OF BRIAN.

YOU GUYS JUST KEEP BULLSHITTING DANNY.

TELL HIM YOU CAME BY TO SEE BRIAN LAST NIGHT TO GET YOUR CAR.

BRIAN WAVED YOU IN.

HE--HE WAS UP WORKING ALL NIGHT.

HE COME UP WITH 3 GREAT STORIES.

6. WE'RE GONNA WORK ALL NIGHT IF WE HAVE TO.

COULD YOU GO MAKE THE COFFEE?

NO, NO, BUT I--I WANT TO STAY HERE--

Neal: BENNY, WOULD YOU MAKE SOME DAMN COFFEE?

SHE ASKED YOU TO MAKE THE COFFEE.

DO YOU WANT THE JOB OR NOT?

[ALL SHOUT]

JACK-OFF.

BRING ME SOME SWEET N' LOW, TOO.

YOUR TEAM?

LIKE THE '62 METS.

GREAT. YOU'LL FILL ONE SUPERVISING PRODUCER SLOT.

YOU'RE PRODUCER. YOU'RE CO-PRODUCER.

WAIT A MINUTE.

DON'T GET GREEDY.

I COULD GO TO DANNY.

DON'T BE GREEDY ANDSTUPID.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAVE THAT IN CASE I TRY AND FIRE YOU.

WHY WOULD BRIAN GO FOR THIS?

HANK, DO YOU MIND?

WHY WOULDN'T HE GO FOR IT?

HE DOESN'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH WITH THE TORTURE.

HE GETS TO SHARE 45 GRAND A SHOW.

HE GETS TO KEEP HIS HOUSE.

AND HE'LL BE GETTING

THE BEST SEX OF HIS ENTIRE LIFE.

YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T SLEEP WITH HIM.

OH, GROW UP.

Hank: WHAT WILL A PRODUCER GET PER EPISODE?

Georgia: I DON'T KNOW--12?

[CHATTER]

Hank: IRA, LET HER FINISH.

Georgia: OH, BY THE WAY, THAT TIME IN THE PARKING LOT--

BENNY, WHERE'S THAT COFFEE?

[DIALING]

[RINGING]

Man: HELLO?

IT'S BRIAN.

WELL...

IT WORKED.

OH, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL. DO YOU THINK THEY CAN HANDLE IT?

YOU KNOW WHAT'S REALLY GREAT?

I DON'T CARE.

WONDERFUL.

THAT'S EXACTLY WHERE WE WERE TRYING TO GET TO.

THOSE 22 SHOWS-- THEY GUARANTEED?

ABSOLUTELY.

SO WHAT'D I TELL YOU?

IN ORDER TO HAVE SOMETHING, YOU MUST FIRST STOP WANTING IT.

OR APPEARING TO WANT IT.

YEAH, WELL,

WE'LL GET INTO THAT IN THE NEXT SESSION.

BRIAN, YOU'RE FEELING OK?

I'M STILL A LITTLE PHLEGMY

FROM THE CHOCO-CCINO.

WELL, I'LL SEND UP SOME EXPECTORATE.

THAT OUGHT TO CLEAR YOU UP.

BRIAN, ARE THOSE GUYS STILL DOWNSTAIRS?

MM-HMM.

DO ME A FAVOR, WILL YOU?

WILL YOU FLUSH THAT BAG OF PILLS

BEFORE ONE OF THEM GETS INTO IT?

OH, SURE.

AND, BRIAN, I'M PROUD OF YOU. I'LL SEE YOU MONDAY.

MONDAY.

[BEEPS]

♪ NOTHING'S IMPOSSIBLE, I HAVE FOUND ♪

♪ FOR WHEN MY CHIN IS ON THE GROUND ♪

♪ I PICK MYSELF UP

♪ AND DUST MYSELF OFF

♪ START ALL OVER AGAIN

♪ DON'T LOSE YOUR CONFIDENCE, IF YOU SLIP ♪

♪ BE GRATEFUL FOR A PLEASANT TRIP ♪

♪ PICK YOURSELF UP, DUST YOURSELF OFF ♪

♪ START ALL OVER AGAIN

♪ YOUR FACE HAS THAT FULL-OF-DOUBT LOOK ♪

♪ 'CAUSE RIGHT NOW YOU'RE FEELING KIND OF SMALL ♪

♪ BUT SWITCH TO A SUNNY OUTLOOK ♪

♪ AND SOMEDAY YOU'LL HAVE IT ALL ♪

♪ LIFE IS A PARTY, BUT NOW AND THEN ♪

♪ YOU HAVE TO FALL TO RISE AGAIN ♪

♪ PICK YOURSELF UP, DUST YOURSELF OFF ♪

♪ START ALL OVER AGAIN

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

♪ THURSDAY NIGHT, I GOT MY BABY AT HOME ♪

♪ I TURN THE LIGHTS DOWN LOW AND TURN THE TV ON ♪

♪ CHANNEL 27 FOR THE LATE MOVIE ♪

♪ PRETTY GOOD THING, AND IT'S CALLED TV ♪

♪ TV

♪ TV

♪ YOU KNOW THAT SOMETIMES, BABY, IT'S PRETTY GOOD COMPANY ♪

♪ UH-UH-UH, UH-UH-UH-UH ♪

♪ HOLD ME CLOSE 'CAUSE IT'S A MYSTERY ♪

♪ I DON'T NEED A FRIEND OR THE SILVER SCREEN ♪

♪ IF THERE'S ONE THING THAT YOU GOTTA SEE ♪

♪ PRETTY GOOD THING, AND IT'S CALLED TV ♪

♪ TV

♪ UH

♪ TV

♪ I KNOW THAT SOMETIMES, BABY, IT'S PRETTY GOOD COMPANY ♪

♪ I SAID THAT SOMETIMES, BABY, IT'S PRETTY GOOD COMPANY ♪

♪ AHH!

♪ FRIDAY NIGHT, I GOT MY BABY ALONE ♪

♪ I TURN THE LIGHTS DOWN LOW AND TURN THE TV ON ♪

♪ CHANNEL 27 FOR THE LATE MOVIE ♪

♪ PRETTY GOOD THING, AND IT'S CALLED TV ♪

♪ TV

♪ TV

♪ YOU KNOW THAT SOMETIMES, BABY, IT'S PRETTY GOOD COMPANY ♪

♪ UH

♪ I SAID THAT SOMETIMES, BABY, IT'S PRETTY GOOD COMPANY ♪

♪ I'VE LEARNED THAT SOMETIMES, BABY, IT'S PRETTY GOOD ♪

♪ AH-AH-AH-AH

♪ AH-AH-AH

♪ AH-AH-AH-AH

♪ AH-AH-AH

♪ TV

♪ COMPANY

♪ TV

♪ COMPANY

♪ UH-UH-UH...

♪ WHOO!

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CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--